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Anon says
My daughter’s daycare has these black rubber-like tiles on their outside playground. Her legs are marked/dirty from being outside on them. I can’t seem to get the black off. I’m using regular soap and a washcloth. I’m scrubbing fairly hard, but it’s not coming off. Any tips on what I can use to get her legs clean?? She looks dirty all of the time.
anonM says
baby oil? Or asking school/other parents if they’ve found a trick?
anon says
Maybe coconut oil?
Cb says
I’d use an oil to remove it. Almond or apricot oil, I like the Trader Joe’s one, rub it on before she gets in the bath and then gently scrub it off.
Anonymous says
I’ve gotten similar marks off with an oily eye makeup remover.
octagon says
I seem to remember micellar water working around that age. Or baby wipes.
Anon says
Following since I have bike grease on my calf that will not come off?! I rented a bike in another town and they must use different chain lube or something – this stuff is like a tattoo.
Anonymous says
For bike grease, hand cleaner from the hardware store will do the trick.
anonM says
Just registered my rising Kindergartner for aftercare and half day care through the Y at my local elementary school. I’m having mixed feelings and some guilt about it. I’d love some reassurance that the kids have fun at these things, and it isn’t just more sitting/school?? (DS struggles with sitting/listening at preschool, so just feeling nervous about how long he’ll be there, and maybe some leftover guilt about how my mostly SAHM could pick us up right when school got out, mixed with “I could theoretically pick him up early since I WFH most days” guilt???). I know not everyone has this convenient option so I’m not sure why I feel so conflicted!
Cb says
I’m here with reassurance! My son hated wraparound for the first month or so, I think because he realised all his pals have SAHMs and were going to the park. But he loves it now. He gets to bond with other nice adults, plays outside all afternoon, and meets some cool big kids.
If I were to pick him up, we’d just have to hurry home and we’d probably rely on screens. Maybe drop one afternoon a week if you wanted a bit of a compromise? T goes to breakfast everyday, and aftercare 3 days, which we’ll up to 4 next year. It’s a nice compromise, having 1-2 days where he can go to the park.
anonM says
We are doing 3 days too! OK, thanks so much, really appreciate that.
Cb says
I think it’s a nice balance, lets you do an activity during the week if you want to. We’re having to drop the Tuesday as it was a faff, but I lobbied hard for keeping the Friday (noon release every Friday) because he needs that friend and parent time, and we need that social time (all the parents go to the park and chat). I’ve got 6 weeks of Friday teaching in the spring, so I’m going to be begging all the grandparent / friend favours, but I feel like I’ve got time to build up that goodwill.
Anon says
I think 3 days per week is probably ideal! We tried to send my daughter five days with early pickups (4-4:30), because that was what we’d done in daycare and what worked best for our work schedules, but it turned out to be very hard. She was frequently engaged in play and didn’t want to leave when we arrived, but she also cried about having to go to aftercare and begged us to let her stay home. We switched to only three days but never pick her up before 5 pm on the days she’s there. It’s harder on us but seems much better for her.
Anonymous says
If they have lots of free outdoor play time, aftercare can be a great way to get the wiggles out after a long day of sitting in the classroom! Also keep in mind that if you didn’t need aftercare, there is a 90% chance that your kid would beg you to let him go to aftercare with everyone else because kids always want what they don’t have.
Anon says
Exactly, the grass is always greener.
Anonymous says
My kids love aftercare. It’s like a built in playdate and they like meeting kids in the other classes. They hate being the last ones picked up though so I try to pick up at least 15 mins before the end time as much as I can.
Anon says
Don’t feel guilty. I have a rising kindergartner that we registered for aftercare specifically because we thought it would be fun for her. We have local grandparents and I work part time so we definitely don’t need it, but we thought the chance to play with friends every day after school was important for her. There’s no way I could arrange that many play dates. My kid also has trouble sitting still but that seems like even more of a reason for play-based aftercare, so she has that time to run around and be silly. I would only worry if your kid seems very introverted and/or overwhelmed by noise, which is not my kid and doesn’t sound like your kid.
Cb says
And even if they are, a good aftercare accounts for it. Ours has little book nooks, art stations, and dens built for kids who just want chill time. It’s not fancy (the dens are made of grocery delivery boxes and it’s in the school cafeteria) but they work hard to make things fun for the kids.
Anonymous says
We just did this last year. I had the same fears: it seemed like a lot of sitting. I’m happy to report my kiddo loved it! They do fun stuff with them most of the time: games and I think they can go to the playground if it’s not too hot or raining. I think your kid will be fine.
Spirograph says
My kids love aftercare. YMMV, but ours is definitely *not* more sitting. The kids have myriad things to choose from: indoor / outdoor sports, playground time, crafts, various “clubs” that rotate every month (gardening, drama, sport, etc), in addition to typical indoor toys like building materials, car tracks, foosball. Frequently at least one of my kids will ask to stay later when we show up for pickup. Lots of SAH parents in our school still use the aftercare on the “clubs” days twice a week. It really is essentially a built-in playdate.
Anonymous says
Very similar experience here. Aftercare is truly my kids fave part of the school day, aside from recess (and half of extended day is more playground time!). Our school doesn’t allow kids with a SAH parent in extended day, though.
Anon says
How do they verify it? I feel like the line of SAHM is so blurry these days – most SAHMs of school age kids seem to do some kind of paid work, even if it’s not very many hours per week or they’re not earning very much money from it (e.g., freelance writers/photographers/designers without many paying clients).
govtattymom says
My daughter absolutely adores aftercare! It has been a great addition for our family. We didn’t do aftercare last year and it was a bit of a mess. Even though we were both WFH we frequently struggled with meetings popping up during the late afternoon or days off from school. Daughter has made super close friends and loves the outdoor play. It’s also nice for her to have two groups of friends! I think you’ll love it.
anon says
Reporting with 1 year of Kinder under our belt…my ADHD kinder LOVES aftercare. Two of her close buds go and she made new friends. If we get her “too early” she complains that she was busy playing. We use it Mon-Thurs.
I also felt guilty, having grown up as a “bus rider” but really she loves it and it’s what we needed with our job situations.
Anonymous says
We are aftercare dropouts, but it’s because they enforced a mandatory 30 minute quiet time for homework (even for kindergartners who didn’t have homework) before they released them to play. The school day in our area doesn’t end until 3:45, so with the 15 minute snack time and the homework time, they were sitting until 4:30, which was around the time we wanted to pick up, so there was essentially no play time. If they had been able to play right after having snack I think it would have been great.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My older son also loves aftercare. A lot of his friends are in the same program and it’s basically one big play date. Not sure about your area, but around here most kids are not just hanging around outside after school so it’d be pretty boring for him to just be home, or to constantly have to arrange individual play dates (with who? They’re all in aftercare!)
GCA says
Same! Aftercare is one way that my kid hangs out with his friends from earlier grades who are in other classes this year, and how he connects with schoolmates in different grades.
Anonymous says
Mine loves it. As others mentioned they have lots of different options and what I particularly love is that a kiddo can pick one thing and do that all day if they love it (whether that’s jump rope or playground or playing checkers). There’s no enforced anything.
Fallen says
We did aftercare with my oldest, and there are so so many pros that I have zero second thoughts of doing it with my youngest despite WFH with a flexible schedule. Here are all the great things:
1. She made a ton of friends there bc it is with a bunch of other schools. I think it generally helped her develop social skills.
2. She does homework there so something I never have to stress about.
3. They have so many activities there. She tried a bunch that she didn’t love so I never ha had to be the one driving her to then. She also discovered she loved swimming and is now in a great swim team at the Y (plus no driving since is at the aftercare – otherwise it would be 4 days a week of driving there) and she discovered karate (she is now an orange belt). These are 2 activities she wouldn’t have tried if it wasn’t for the aftercare. She also learned she hated soccer, basketball, etc so i never had to do the painful travel teams to figure that out
3. It’s a built in play date! She recruited a bunch of kids of SAHM to join her and they all say they prefer it to bring home :)
4. I can do my work/working out/prep their dinner and then when I pick them up I am fully present for the 4-5 hours between when I get them and they go to bed vs having them watch a show while I am wrapping up work/cooking/etc
5.
5. When Covid was high, we didn’t have her go for a month. She complained every single day for us to sign her back up.
I currently do a mix with her (she only does it on her swim days) and drive her to other activities (or she walks for the ones close by), and I am planning to do the same for my youngest (3-4 days a week)
Anonymous says
The grass is always greener. My kids don’t do it but beg to, other kids do it and beg not to.
anon says
If this makes you feel better, my daughter LOVES the Y program at her school. To the point where even when we’re working from home or have the day off and could be with her in the morning, she begs to go anyway so she can hang out with her friends. It is definitely not more sitting like at school. They have full reign of the gym and playground, and my kid often walks out sweaty from her after-school play time. It’s been a nice way for her to expand her friendship circle beyond the people in her immediate class. I sometimes have those guilt pangs, but then I have to remember that it’s my own reaction, that is not at all related to how SHE actually feels. It’s OK to feel conflicted. I also grew up with a SAHM and it’s been a long process to reset my norms and expectations about how things are going to go, so I have a lot of empathy for you!
DLC says
I think fun depends on the other kids there and the program, but I’m sure there will be lots of opportunity for your kid to get his energy out.
I get the guilt, though, especially as summer rolls around and I see the endless possibilities for mommy/child time.
I tell myself that it’s better to have the care and pick up my child early on occasion than to not have the care and always have to be rushing to pick up.
Anonymous says
I think that there are some parents of children with autism here (and perhaps others have family members with autism). Has anyone ever encountered this? My daughter has been pretty even-steven for a long time. She was late-diagnosed with autism (ASD-1) at age 10 and has ADHD (working on meds, so far none has helped and she is requesting meds to help her feel less scattered and overwhelmed at school). Maybe it is puberty (but that started years ago), but this year, she has just plummeted off a cliff in terms of her ability not to be overwhelmed with emotions (but nothing in her life has changed otherwise — same house, same city, same middle school) and it’s like every day she may get so distressed at school that she comes home and just has to stim for hours to wind down (we try to take long joint walks with the dog and talk as we walk). One teacher and one class have been nightmares all year long, so I am hoping that summer brings a reset, but what if this is something more fundamental in her wiring. Which professional even deals with this? She recently got off the waitlist for an OT, who I hope will be helpful, but now I’m questioning how she will fare in all-day summer camps or if it is really safe or wise to let her be home by herself (not all day, but for a few hours here and there). There is no roadmap, but the child in my house often changes drastically from day to day and even hour to hour. When this isn’t happening, she is just super-competent and wanting to take steps towards adulting (or being a competent teen).
anon says
Does she have an IEP or 504 plan at school? Is there an option for her to have a break in her day in a quiet space, like the library or a resource teacher’s room? Can she get a plan to avoid any triggers in her day (e.g., a noisy cafeteria or passing sooner in the halls to avoid crowds)? She sounds super stressed and like something has to change for next year.
My very rigid daughter (not diagnosed but possibly on the spectrum) does best in the summer. She loves day camps with lots of outdoor time, small groups, and relaxed schedules. She becomes the best version of herself over the summer. I hope your daughter gets a good break this summer.
Anonymous says
My daughter also gets overwhelmed by the noise and chaos at school. Getting her into an advanced academic program with smaller classes and kids who want to be there has been a game-changer. Our school also has a quiet room where any student can go, and they will put use of this room and other decompression strategies in a 504. Anyone can sign up to have lunch in the library. So definitely worth checking out options.
Anonymous says
OP here — she has an IEP, but the teacher in the one problem class has constantly refused to follow it, has ignored e-mails, has been in conferences and made promises and then failed to honor them, etc. He is very irritated at having a student on the spectrum. At the end of the day, the IEP is a piece of paper and even in a small school, the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing (or doesn’t care or can’t fix). She’ll never have this teacher again, but OMFG what a nightmare it has been for her (and our family has been left to pick up the pieces).
Anonymous says
There will always be one problematic teacher/class. For next year’s problem teacher, you can try getting more assertive with the school to enforce the IEP or have her transferred to another class. If you engage an advocate they can either accompany you to meetings or give you the magic legal language to use yourself to get what you need. Ultimately your goal is to get her to where she knows how to cope with these issues so she can survive in college. OT can be part of that. Also supporting her in self-advocacy as she matures.
Anonymous says
When do I need an advocate and when would it make sense to just get an attorney who does special-ed work? I feel like for the next time, I am going to come in with the equivalent of a large-enough hammer that there won’t be a second next time.
I feel like schools understand things like kids with limited vision needing Braille or large text books, the ability to use canes, accommodations in gym, etc., etc., but a kid with austism is just asking too much. OTOH, when kid needs to leave the room because she’s having a meltdown (internal vs hitting or throwing things or being disruptive), there is a problem (and next year, due to school security requirements, there is no ability to step out into the hallway for 5 minutes and finish your cry and try to get yourself together because a door once closed stays closed). I just want to scream and quit my job and hire a tutor to homeschool, but that’s not going to happen.
Anonymous says
I think the answer depends on what your issue is, how much perceived firepower you think necessary to solve the issue, how willing you are to put the school into adversarial mode, how much you can spend, and who is available with the best history of working successfully with your particular school.
Anon says
” (and next year, due to school security requirements, there is no ability to step out into the hallway for 5 minutes and finish your cry and try to get yourself together because a door once closed stays closed)”
A special ed advocate can absolutely get this as an option for your kid.
Everything is on the table in an IEP. It’s legally enforceable and the school will enforce it when you start bringing in a lawyer/advocate with a lawyer backup. It’s a lot, and it’s trash they put you in this spot, but you can do it.
Anonymous says
Have you considered outdoor adventure day camps? In our area there are various ones that focus on kayaking, rock climbing, and a combination of these plus environmental science. The camps are geared specifically to the middle school age group and tend to attract a quirkier clientele. The physical activity and outdoor time might be just the ticket for the summer.
Anonymous says
Farm camp is a huge hit with my kiddo for these reasons.
So Anon says
Yes, this is something that OT can help with. I have been through OT with my oldest and am now starting with my daughter, who is 9. For us, OT helps by allowing the individual to identify their own feelings and the signals that their bodies are sending (interoception). For example, my son was not recognizing that he was becoming agitated and he would not clue in to those feelings until he was at a boiling point. Then they identified what he needed and how to address those needs at an early point. So I highly suggest going forward with OT. They should be able to help get to the core of the issue versus addressing the behavior.
There are days where my kids are not able to identify and/or address those needs for whatever reason. In those situations, they often need to stim or fill their own buckets in whatever way. As long as they are not permanently destroying things, I let them stim away. Sometimes that is stim is turning off all the lights in the room, watching a video that they know well and have a snack. Sometimes it is handing upside down on the swingset in the backyard.
Anon says
any suggestions for books appropriate to read to 4/5 year olds about the concept of things not being fair and how to handle. like, it’s not fair she got a bigger piece of cake, or her piece has more sprinkles, or why did she get pink and I got blue, etc. totally get that it is normal and age appropriate for kids to get upset about these things (also i swear whoever created multipacks with items in different colors did not actually have kids of their own), but books tend to help us process emotions in our house
Anon says
No book suggestions, but this is why we stopped using the IKEA kids dishes and cups, because I couldn’t deal with the fights over preferred colors.
Anonymous says
I didn’t get a chance to weight in on yesterday’s thread, but wanted to just put in a quick reminder that even if you think parents are too quick to jump to diagnoses and medication these days, there are some kids for whom medication makes a massive difference to their family. My 6-year-old is definitely not on the extreme end of the scale, but starting on medication has still meant:
-no more phone calls from the principal or trips to the guidance counselor because she can’t control her behavior in class
-a reduced number of notes from her teacher about behavior and on track to get a B or A in peer interactions instead of a D or F (for a kid whose academic grades are all As)
-not getting kicked out of afterschool activities because she can’t wait her turn or listen to directions
-being able to respond to frustration/disappointment in age-appropriate ways, e.g. not pulling her friends’ hair at a playdate when she’s upset
-a reduced number of violent outbursts (hitting, kicking, biting scratching) to her parents and siblings
So basically, I get the anti-meds viewpoint, but sometimes all the therapy in the world is not enough and meds can help get kids to the point where they can actually use the coping strategies they’re being taught instead of just lashing out at the world.
Anonymous says
Co-sign.
I have a kid who needs thyroid meds. No shame, no judging, no try harder.
Why is it so different for my other kid who has a similar need but for a condition that is in the DSM?!
Anon says
It’s different because it’s the brain. If your thyroid isn’t working, it’s pretty clear what the cause is and what hormone/medication needs to be prescribed to replace what is missing in your body. Mental illnesses are not at all as straightforward, and it’s trial and error what medication and external supports work best. Changing your environment/inputs will not improve a non-functional thyroid, but they might improve a mental condition (or at least the symptoms).
I am in agreement that medication is an important available tool. But mental health is complicated and I don’t agree that it’s “just the same” as a concrete physical illness.
Anonymous says
Before starting meds for thyroid, diabetes, heart conditions etc, doctors absolutely often recommend diet and lifestyle changes, and when those don’t help or don’t help enough, then meds are a reasonable option. And also often require extensive trial and error with different medications and dosages to find the right combination of improvement with tolerable side effects.
ADHD means my brain doesn’t respond to dopamine and other similar brain chemicals in the typical way. My high blood pressure means my cardiac system doesn’t respond appropriately to stress. Both need treatment by a combination of lifestyle adjustments and medication. Most mental symptoms are also tied to physical triggers. Theres no dividing line between physical and mental, it is a spectrum.
Anon says
I think you are proving my point…for complicated (or environmentally-exacerbated) physical illnesses like type II diabetes and heart disease it’s prudent to try many other things, either in addition or before medication. But so often in these threads on ND the only advice given is “take medication” so 1) the poster doesn’t get any other advice/strategies to help in the meantime and 2) shuts down any conversation about what else could/should be tried.
It’s not shame and judging, it’s recognizing that the frantic pace of modern life and technology are stressing out our bodies and minds and we need to look hard at changing the environment for our kids (too).
Anonymous says
Eh, I don’t agree that the advice is usually just “take meds.” Even the posters who say their kids take meds also discuss parenting strategies. It’s just that some posters seem to engage in the magical thinking that they can parent their way out of anything if they just try hard enough with the right “strategy,” potentially to the detriment of some kids who really need medication to make their lives less of a constant miserable struggle to cope with a world that their brains weren’t built to handle.
AwayEmily says
Did we read the same thread? There were tons of different proposed non-meds approaches, ranging from therapy to identifying triggers to book recommendations. Maybe it’s true that “so often in these threads the only advice given is “take medication”” but that certainly wasn’t the case yesterday. I feel like commenters were helping the OP build a toolkit and meds were one of many possible proposed tools.
Anonymous says
Please, let’s not stigmatize mental illness further. It’s OK to seek help, including medication, if you or your children are struggling. I would not be here, and thus neither would my children, if not for mental health medication.
If working out and eating vegetables and taking essential oils and prayer cured you, AWESOME. Please do not shame those of us who need to rely on medication to survive.
Anonymous says
I think that because there is such a stigma against medicated children, very few parents try meds as a first resort. Almost always when I see these posts, the parent has listed a lot of things they have tried and meds are suggested as an option *because* other changes don’t seem to be helping.
I strongly doubt that any parent on this board is unaware of the general idea that screen time can be detrimental and meds can be overprescribed.
Anonymous says
Thank you for this. I logged back in last night to read more responses and was a bit saddened by some of the comments that appeared to suggest those of us posting looking for help simply aren’t parenting right, or our tolerance for behaviors is too low. One of my son’s behaviors is bolting – which is terrifying and not normal, and I didn’t realize that it was an extremely common behavior in ADHD and ASD until I started seeking therapy for him. So please, please understand that those of us seeking professional help are doing it out of purely love for our children and concern that their behaviors will harm themselves or others. We are not looking for a ‘quick fix’ to difficult kids.
I too used to roll my eyes as a POOPCUPS at those parents who claimed their children were 2E and were pulling them out of public school or getting them IEPs/504s. Just please have some kindness and trust that we know our own children.
anon says
I also was disheartened by those comments. When we say our kids’ behavior is extreme, please believe us. Therapy has been fine for my son’s ADHD, but the medication? Game changer. We still deal with more ups and downs in behavior than with a neurotypical child, but I hate to think of where we’d be with school, social life, and home life if we hadn’t started meds at age 8. Trust me, this was a kid who was struggling HARD and paying the price, even if he could mask it sometimes (not consistently, though).
Just … please cool it with the judgment and telling parents that their kids’ behavior “isn’t that bad” or “pretty normal for that age.” Most of us are around plenty of kids of similar age, enough to know what seems harder than normal. It was really hurtful when I confided in a close friend that we had an official ADHD diagnosis and even though the rest of the conversation was fine, she tossed in some heavy judgment about “other kids on medication,” and I shut down. Little did she know that we were already starting a medication trial and were grateful for the lifeline.
Anonymous says
This. I stopped reading when I got to that part of the conversation. When you have a kid who has tantrums and meltdowns and you manage to get through that phase to the other side, it’s easy to overlay that experience on what the OP yesterday wrote. It’s not the same. There’s neurotypical tantrums and meltdowns, and then there’s the extreme version that may indicate the need for intervention, including pharmaceutical intervention. As a parent, it’s really easy to see the difference when you have a normal level of exposure to other similar-age kids, but hard to describe in a way that captures the certainty that it’s different. Trust parents.
Anon says
Yes, trust parents, and OP said (and reiterated it here today) that she doesn’t want to try meds at this time. It’s okay to say they helped your kid! It’s great that they are an option. But she seems to be looking for different/more.
Anonymous says
Not to mention that there is some evidence that medication as a child may help overall development so you’re less likely to need meds as an adult. It is very hard to develop useful and healthy coping skills when your brain is fighting every step, but once established, those habits can sometimes allow for a decrease in medication. Developing those skills as a child makes all of life easier.
Anonymous says
It’s not just coping skills. Methylphenidate has been shown to cause lasting physical and chemical changes in the brains of children but not the brains of adults. https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-medications-may-cause-long-term-brain-changes/
Anon says
I was incredibly pissed off by some of the responses from parents of neurotypical kids jumping in with “oh, that’s normal and my kid does that. Just give them a snack and some TV.” Not all opinions are equal/valid, please stop expressing yours when you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Original OP- you’re a great Mom. Please keep searching for a diagnosis, resources and ways to help your kiddo and give yourself a ton of credit.
Anon says
No one was saying she isn’t a great mom. Even the OP isn’t sure meds are right for her kid, so what’s wrong with offering other practical suggestions that could help? This is an anonymous online forum. You don’t really know this person or kid either.
Anon says
+1
Anon says
I hear your point. It sounds like your kid has had much more intense and more frequent and widespread challenges than the kid discussed yesterday (who has long, intense but non-violent outbursts at home a couple times a month).
Anonymous says
I am the OP and I agree. The whole reason we are hesitant is not because we are anti-med but because we aren’t sure it’s the right tool for this specific job. We have never once gotten a call from the school. In kindergarten, we had one incident where she had some attention seeking behavior and got an email from the teacher (she got bored and was cutting her clothes (?!) in school). Once in the beginning of K the bus driver had to talk to us about her behavior on the bus.
Both of those were a full year ago. Everything else in public, during the daytime, is in the realm of a “squirrelly and young kid” that episode find generally acceptable. She has friends. She does playdates and activities. She’s not the social butterfly or the “I play all the sports” kid that my other two are but we are pretty sure that’s personality.
Anonymous says
A few things would have me considering meds in your shoes. 1) It sounds like you have tried everything short of medication and the meltdowns are clearly distressing to your child and family because you are posting here looking for solutions. 2) I would suspect that the meltdowns are caused at least in part by restraint collapse. Medication can mitigate the stress of having to hold it together all day at school and reduce the occurrence of evening meltdowns, even after the meds have worn off. 3) Sounds like there is some ADHD defiance going on there too.
Medication sounds like a close call for your kiddo at the moment. You have to recognize that there are costs, benefits, and tradeoffs either way. In this case the meltdowns may just be the cost of holding off on medication. The #1 lesson I have learned about parenting is that you can never have it all and you can’t parent your way to perfection. There is no magic parenting strategy that will ensure perfectly behaved children who eat a variety of nutritious foods, never demand sugar, fall asleep instantly, and stay asleep all night. There is only good enough, and you have to decide for yourself exactly what good enough means. For some families that would be more peace plus meds. Perhaps for your family it’s no meds plus twice-monthly meltdowns.
Anon says
Restraint collapse is very very normal in 6 year olds though. It’s hard to adjust to school. If this was a 9 year old I’d agree, but I think a lot of people here seem not to realize how normal it is for neurotypical kids to completely occasionally lose it when they’re hungry and tired.
Anonymous says
Totally agree with Anon 1:01.
Snickers even has an entire ad campaign based on people not realizing they are hangry. 6 is so young to manage emotions and hunger/thrist. And at least in our house, there has been a pretty clear line between periods of increased screen time and kids showing more impatience, less resilience to changes and bigger emotions. I hate that they get iPad time in school too.
Anonymous says
Oh, I agree entirely, especially once yesterday’s OP posted more details about the type and frequency of meltdowns.
Updated Fairy Tales says
Someone was looking for less se*ist fairy tales for kids a few weeks ago, and I don’t know if you’re still looking, but The Outspoken Princess and the Gentle Knight would probably fit your criteria.
Santa Fe Suggestions? says
Traveling to Santa Fe this weekend for a friends’ get-together. Any suggestions? We already have tickets to the O’Keefe museum but otherwise pretty flexible.
Anonymous says
– ten thousand waves – we did a soak (rented one of the outdoor pools for 2 hrs) and a really great dinner
– I liked meow wolf a lot
– la dolina is a great casual breakfast/bakery spot
– personally the wait for la choza made it not worthwhile to me, but it’s a famous Santa Fe style restaurant. it was very good but we waited like an hour
– my in laws took us to Museum of Contemporary Native Arts and it was really neat. would definitely recommend. there is also a market where native vendors sell their art – like high quality, beautiful art in the main plaza. they rotate throughout the week. we got some beautiful gifts and one piece of pottery there
ElisaR says
yes 10,000 waves! There were 6 of us and we rented a hot tub area for an hour or two and it was SO fun. We also ate there (lunch) and it was delicious. it was a really unique place.
we didn’t make it meow wolf but heard great things. other than that we shopped on that main street and ate wonderful dinners. we did dinner at the shed, pink adobo and one other italian spot that was non-remarkable.
we also did a hike at santa fe canyon preserve where we saw a huge snake on our trail and just got to be outside for a bit.
Anonymous says
There’s so much great stuff there. In addition to things already mentioned, I like the International Folk Art Museum, and Bandelier National Monument is cool if you are willing to make the trip. (Maybe not worth it for a short weekend.). The SF opera is also legendary, but I’m not sure if their season has started yet – they perform outdoors.
OOO says
I went on a girls’ trip to Santa Fe last year and it was fabulous! We went to Ojo Santa Fe spa for a day and got massages, and soaked in their many soaking pools. Meow Wolf is really fun and best experienced while high. Dinner at Sazon was excellent. If you have a group of 6 or more look into Red Mesa Cuisine private chefs to make a meal for you at your vacation rental.
Death and Kids says
DD is 5. We’ve thankfully not really had to confront death head on. She knows the word, knows bugs and pets die but that’s kind of it.
FIL passed away quite young, dropped dead when I was 8.5 months pregnant. It’s still pretty raw, tbh. We were all very close. This morning DD was killing time before going to school and found a photo album, one that she’s looked at a millions times before but this time she started asking questions. She knows FIL as Grandpa and he’s Dad’s dad, and we do talk about him a fair amount. She knows he’s not around and she’s never met him, but honestly, and probably shame on us, we’d never really talked about his death with her until this morning.
She asked where he was (he died and he’s in heaven), how long it takes to fly there (you can’t fly there), if grandma gets to see him at least (no) and how did he die (he got very, very sick, qualifying that not everyone who gets sick dies – this is where I’m nervous about a repeat conversation). The conversation had to end abruptly, which honestly she seemed totally fine with, but I’m expecting it to come back up and would like to be better prepared.
Any tips? DH and I are what I would call spiritual (both reformed Catholics) and don’t go to church, so she’s not getting any of that side of it. Unsure how best to handle. TIA.
Been there says
This is so hard. Don’t be surprised if you get a lot of follow up questions or if she’s talking about it a lot. I try to answer as honestly as I can as my 4 year old seems to sense when I’m BSing or avoiding a question (I learned this the hard way). It actually seems comforting to him when I say I don’t know something.
The hardest part for me is when they start asking about their own death. So maybe start thinking about how you want to handle those questions because they are tough.
Anon says
oh yes, or my other favorite is we will be facetiming with my 75 year old dad and my 5 year old will ask how old she herself will be when my dad dies, or will ask me if 5 year olds can die, and i do answer honestly, but also say that it usually does not happen
Anon says
My 5 year old is obsessed with speculating about when my parents will die. For a while she had a phase where she would flippantly say “oh they won’t be at [event] because they’ll be dead by then” even for things that were happening in the next week. It was kind of morbidly hilarious. I don’t think she has any real concept of what death means though. We have been lucky to not lose any family or pets since she was born.
anonM says
First, so sorry for your loss. My dad died before I had my first child, and it is really hard. I’d encourage you and DH (and maybe MIL) to talk about your approach together. For me, I really want my kids to grow up hearing stories about my dad. It’s still painful, but I like that they know about him. The kids also know, unfortunately, about other death of friends/family that have happened since then. We try to keep it simple (“their body stopped working”) and reassure the kids that they are safe. This really varies by person, time passed, grief journey, etc., but for my mom she says it does help that she feels comfortable brining my dad up in front of us and the kids. The kids know my mom feels sad and misses him sometimes, and I’m ok with them understanding this. When I have cried in front of them I tell them that even grown up have big feelings, and sometimes we too feel two things at the same time, and it is tricky. Maybe you can create your own family tradition to honor FIL. Some ideas based on what I do and some friends do to honor their late parents – a favorite meal or activity (like fishing) on their birthday/death anniversary, a special garden, continuing a family baking tradition, etc. We also have a Christmas ornament with his photo, so every year when we put our tree it gives us a reminder to pause and share stories/grief, in a way that is manageable and also not some big surprise. It might help you and DH, too. Again, so sorry for your loss.
Anonymous says
I think you handled it just fine. It’s always kind of a shock when they ask questions like this. +1 to answering honestly, in a way that’s age appropriate. Sometimes I have to say “let me think about the best way to answer that honestly for you.” And then I take 30 seconds to collect my thoughts. My oldest started asking around age 4. He was super interested in what physically happens to your body and the concept of a soul (or whatever you want to call it) still kind of confuses him at age 6. TBH I don’t know how to explain it other than in the religious terms I was raised with, so that’s what we do. He asks me often if I believe all the stuff I’m talking him and I kind of have to dance around whether I do or not because I’m still working it out. But I try to be honest and matter of fact. I’m sorry for your loss btw.
Anon says
Just a big hug.
I have a parent who died when DS #1 was almost 3 and I was pregnant with DS #2. Like you, we were all close, and DS #1 spent a lot of time with my parent, even when we lived out-of-state. DS #1 is the same age as your DD, and sadly already knows death is part of life.
Recently, I’ve posted on my teenage nephew that ended his own life – while we didn’t give DS #1 details on how it happened we do talk about how cousin is gone, and we’re sad.
We have lots of pictures of nephew and my parent around the house, and talk of good memories and how we miss them. I’m of a faith that believes in afterlives + reincarnation so I do mention this – like we talk about if nephew is hanging out with my parent and our old dog, etc.
Anon says
death is a frequent topic of conversation in our house (insert face palm emoji) as my mom passed away when my 5 year old twins were 1 and we have pics of my mom around the house and I like to talk about her to keep her memory alive. we are jewish and so don’t believe in heaven, but also aren’t super religious. generally with almost any question, i first turn it back around and ask what they think (this was a suggestion from their preschool teacher to get more information from them about what they know/don’t know and works for many topics, like where babies come from, etc.) so like when they ask where she is now or what she is doing i’ll say that i honestly don’t know because we can’t ask her, but we could imagine what she is doing, and then sometimes they will go off and say like maybe she is living in a land filled with tulips and jelly beans (my mom’s favorite things) or sometimes they move onto “well whats for lunch.” upon realizing and understanding more about the finality of death each twin has experienced some new separation anxiety issues. we talk a lot about how grandma dies because her body stopped working, talk a lot about all the things we do to keep our bodies healthy, etc. so of course one day there was the comment “well grandma must have not done a very good job taking care of her body” (which is the opposite of true – my mom died of a brain tumor she had absolutely no control over), but i think it is a bit scary for kids to think there is no control. i generally try to be as honest as possible without fear-mongering and try to stick to answering what they actually ask and keeping it brief
Anonymous says
I actually think it’s less scary to avoid creating a sense of control over death. For the little ones the least scary explanation is “grandma was very old and her body stopped working so she died.” I also think that it’s fine for kids to have unresolved questions. We adults certainly do!
Anon says
I’m the person you are replying to and in my mom’s case she wasn’t actually that old, so i think that might work with some kids/scenarios, but we are already past that
Anon says
Sorry for your loss. I think what you said is basically fine. We say “they got old and their body stopped working” to avoid the fear of dying while sick. To kids, everyone is old so I don’t think it really matters if the person who died was in their 50s or 80s, even though to us someone in their 50s isn’t really old.
OP says
Thanks, all. This gives me lots of things to think through and some good phrases to lean in on. We’re usually Team Honest but when you’re caught off guard, sometimes you don’t know which version of honest is the right one. This is also being tested real time as I’m currently pregnant and also having to explain that babies don’t come out of mommy when she throws up or out of her belly button (oof. still working on that answer if you have any suggestions). We’ve nailed how the baby gets in my belly but sometimes it’s just a bridge too far for a bedtime discussion, or a discussion in 3 minutes before we have to scurry out the door to school, as it may be.
Kids are great. DH was caught way off guard by this conversation in the moment and I know it dragged him down initially, but he has since texted me today that he’s really happy she’s curious, talks about him and frankly really wishes she could meet him. We wish the same everyday.
Anon says
We told my 5 year old that a baby comes out the vagina. I don’t recall a lot of follow up questions.
Book says
for the life part, rather than death, It’s Not the Stork is a great book for that age
Anon says
+1 for It’s Not the Stork. It’s become one of my 5-year-old’s go-to bedtime books…not sure what to think about that, but it’s factual and honest while still being entertaining.
Anonymous says
I think it’s better to keep discussing it as it comes up – when a pet or grandparent dies – so that it’s not super scary and confusing when it is closer or more sudden. A child in our community (same age as my youngest) passed away suddenly and I was glad we had discussed it before so it wasn’t a massively scary new idea. My brother passed away before my children were born and it gives my parents a lot of joy to be able to talk about him to my kiddos.