My favorite purchases are elevated basics that make you look twice. Here’s a beautiful silk charmeuse top I can see wearing all summer long.
This soft, elegant top has a relaxed fit, subtle sheen, and dolman sleeves. You can wear it tucked or untucked thanks to the curved hem and side slits. Wear it alone with your favorite bottoms or with a suit for a little extra elegance.
Banana Republic’s Bliss Silk Dolman Top is $120 (but check for frequent sales). It comes in white (which looks more cream on my screen) and black. It’s available in sizes XXS–XXL as well as tall and petites.
Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear.
This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Sales of Note…
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Nordstrom – 2,100+ new markdowns!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything; extra 30% off orders $100+
- Eloquii – $39 select styles; 50% off select styles
- J.Crew – 25-50% off wear-now styles; extra 50% off select sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything; 50% off women’s dresses; extra 60% off clearance
- Loft – 60% off sale styles
- Lands’ End – Up to 40% off your order
- Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale: Extra 50% off markdowns
- Zappos – 26,000+ sale items (for women)! Check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kid shoe brands on sale.
Kid/Family Sales
- J.Crew – 25-40% off kids’ styles; extra 50% off select sale
- Lands’ End – Up to 40% off your order
- Hanna Andersson – 30% off all kids’ & baby clothing; PJs on sale from $25; up to 75% off clearance
- Carter’s – Rule the School Sale: Up to 50% off; up to 40% off baby essentials
- Old Navy – 50% off back-to-school styles; 30% off your order, even clearance
- Target – Backpacks from $7.99; toddler & kids’ uniforms on sale from $5
- Pottery Barn Baby – Summer sale: up to 50% off
- Nordstrom – Limited time sales on brands like Maxi-Cosi and Bugaboo.
- Strolleria – Free infant seat car adapter with any Thule stroller; 30% off all Peg-Perego gear in our exclusive Incanto Collection
Another name Q says
Taking suggestions on sister names for Emilia. Preferably easy to pronounce in Romance languages. Thanks for helping me brainstorm!
Anonymous says
Elena, Charlotte, Julia, Margaret, Melinda, Alexandra, Rebecca… there’s a huge list of classic-sounding girl names that would work. I guess some threshold questions are whether you want the names to rhyme or not, start with the same letter or not, and consider how they go with your last name.
AIMS says
Are there constraints on sister names? Does it have to be another E or EM- sound?
I like the name Nina a lot. Eva is also pretty if somewhat popular.
Aurelia is beautiful but may not be universally easy to pronounce.
Valentina is lovely and not too common, I think.
Katerina or Catelina? Paloma? Esme?
OP says
I’m leanings towards not another E name, though we seem to be pretty drawn to those!
Anonymous says
Norah, Marianna, Marina, Katrina, Clara
NYCer says
I am not sure what you are looking for in a sister name, but here are some that sound good to me:
Charlotte
Caroline
Julia
Natalie
Willow
Melanie
Piper
Anon says
How about Fiona?
Anon says
Ha I know an Emilia and Fiona sib set. Preschoolers in my area are very familiar with Fiona the famous hippo, but I’m not sure that’s true everywhere (we’re pretty close to Cincinnati and many kids have seen the hippo in person).
Personally I like names that don’t sound match matchy so I’d avoid -ia and maybe even -a endings. I like Charlotte.
Anon says
Margot
Madeline
Estelle
Carolina
Colette
Juliette
Sabine
Anonymous says
Friends have an Emilia and a Henry, which makes me think of H names for you. Helen, Harriet. I also like Juliet and Margot quite a lot. I would avoid anything that ends in “a”.
Anon says
I love naming threads!
Names that come to mind that are easily pronounced in Romance languages: Laura, Nina, Ann(e) or An(n)a, Marie or Maria, Emma / Emilie / Emma, Caroline / Carolina, Katherine / Katrina.
Anonymous says
Claire!
Anonymous says
ooooh Claire would be excellent with Emilia
Anonn says
Nadia or Natalia
Anonymous says
Ana.
Anon says
Beatrice
Francesca
Adele
Mathilda
Juliet/Julietta
Allegra
Ada
Cora
Noemi
Natalie
Anonymous says
I love the name Noemi. We know a Noemi and a Naomi and my poor six year old cannot keep them straight.
MK says
Agree. Love the name Noemi
anon says
I have an Emily and I’m pregnant with Abigail (Abby). I’m biased but think they work nicely together! Also, if you think you know me, shhhhhhhhhhh.
AwayEmily says
I am an Emily and always wanted to name my kid Abby! (my husband vetoed).
Anon says
My #1 tip is think about all possible nicknames, even ones you don’t plan to use. Friends had an Emilia they planned to call Emmy, and named their second daughter Maya. Emilia got nicknamed Mia at preschool and it stuck and now they have Mia and Maya, which is confusing and more cutesy than they wanted.
NYCer says
Oh man, that is unfortunate! I am not sure how they could have predicted that though. I have never heard Mia used as a nickname for Emilia.
Anon says
Really? It’s super standard where I am. Google also seems to think it’s one of the top five or so nicknames for that name… it comes up in nearly every search result for nicknames for Emilia. I would at least Google every name’s nicknames and make sure none of them clash.
NYCer says
Guess I live under a rock? Truly never would have associated those two names.
Anonymous says
See, e.g., Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi, Princess of Genovia
Anonymous says
Looking for some real-life examples of what dinner/bedtime schedules work for your family when your kids have evening sports practice. My child is 8, usual bedtime is 9 PM. If she’s not in bed by 9, My husband and I both work at home, we can stop working at 5 PM most days but it can be a scramble when we’re trying to get something out or on calls right up to 5. The nights we struggle the most are
Anonymous says
Oops, not sure how that posted. Starting over:
Looking for some real-life examples of what dinner/bedtime schedules work for your family when your kids have evening sports practice. My child is 8, usual bedtime is 9 PM. If she’s not in bed by 9, she is tired for school the next day. My husband and I both work at home, we can stop working at 5 PM most days but it can be a scramble when we’re trying to get something out or on calls right up to 5. We have child care help until 5:30 PM, so getting ready for practice is not the issue. My husband and I both attend practices – I coach the spring sport and he coaches the fall sport. The nights we struggle the most are when we have a practice at 6 PM, for which we need to leave the house by 5:30. So we are rushing from work to practice, and then we’re not home from practice until about 7:40 PM. And that’s where it’s a challenge to make dinner, get our child showered, and get into bed. I feel like when I was a child with this kind of schedule, I ate McDonald’s in the car on the way to practice and my parents might have eaten dinner after I went to bed. But that doesn’t seem like the right path in this day and age. Thoughts?
AIMS says
I think you need to have dinners that take no time to make when you get home. That can meet frozen gnocchi from TJ which is ready in under 10 min or something that you make ahead and reheat or just frozen pizza. I don’t think you should start cooking when you come home unless it’s just poking a chicken breast or something else prepped ahead that will take no time. Since you WFH and have help, I would try to have dinner done during the day or do something pre-made (any you or a supermarket). Lots of hands off ideas that you can use that you can spend 10 min on at lunch to prep and leave simmering until ready and then reheat.
I would also have your kid shower while dinner is prepped so that when you’re done with eating, they can just wind down and be in bed by 9.
ElisaR says
we struggle with this too. I have done a grilled cheese for the car ride to sports the last few weeks.
Anonymous says
My daughter had practice until 8:00 or 8:30 most nights for years. I would cook dinner while my husband did pickup and have it on the table when they walked through the door. In your situation I would have the non-coaching parent stay home and cook dinner.
Anne-on says
I’d have your child shower as soon as you get home while you ‘make’ dinner. I’d 100% make those crockpot, breakfast for dinner, leftover, sandwhich nights (basically something super easy that doesn’t take long to prep or eat). I’d focus on getting protein and some veggies or fruit into your kid – frittata with veggies or fruit on the side, a quesadilla, tacos with shredded rotisserie chicken from the store, frozen pancakes with turkey bacon and fruit, etc.
Anon says
If practice is once a week I think snacks or fast food in the car is fine, but it’s probably not great to be doing that multiple times per week.
I’d look into things you can make ahead and one parent can stick in the oven while other parent is at practice…casseroles, lasagnas, baked chicken and fish.. things like that, so dinner is on the table when kid and sports parent walk in the door. Starting to cook when you get home at 7:40 when your kid has 9 pm bedtime does not seem very practical to me.
Anon2 says
I have three boys and right now we have little league Monday-Wednesday evenings (sometimes not ending until 7:45!) I am a big proponent of family dinners, but I relax that during this short season.
On these days, I skip the after school snack and give my kids dinner around 5pm (or earlier if they are starving). Usually something whipped up from a freezer or Mac n Cheese box or leftovers. Then after practice, they can have a bowl of cereal or a similarly heavy snack and head to bed. Sometimes my husband and I will eat our dinner while they have the snack, but if it’s too rushed we eat after they are in bed. Depending on how dirty they are, the bath immediately upon returning home, or after the snack immediately after getting in bed. We do lights out anywhere from 8:30-9:30pm.
Personally, I would not have both parents attend every practice, since you mention only one of you coaches per season. This would allow one of you to stay home, catch your breath, and prepare for the dinner/bedtime rush. Right now my husband and I both go to the Monday night game, but only one of us goes to the practices (bringing the siblings so the at-home parent can actually get things done).
GCA says
Is there any particular reason both parents attend practice even when one is not coaching? Otherwise I’d have the non-coaching parent stay home and make dinner or a large snack. Sandwich/ granola bar in the car on the way to practice, sit-down dinner afterwards. Or the other way round.
We have a slightly different routine because a) I have early risers who need to go to bed on the early side (8-8:30) and b) we prioritize dinners as a family. The 8yo has evening activities 2 nights a week. Usually we have a hastily assembled sit-down ‘dinner’ around 5:30 before practice at 6:30, then get home at 7:40 and do a snack (fruit, cereal) & shower before bed. And we divide and conquer – one parent goes to practice/ scout meeting/ dance class, the other stays home.
Anon says
not sure if childcare help is at home or somewhere else, but how about child eats dinner before practice and big snack after? pack dinners night before or during lunch to eat in car? i honestly don’t think mcdonalds or panera or whatever once or twice a week for kids and parents is so terrible. it is 1-2 meals out of the 21+ meals per week
Anonymous says
Thanks, all. I appreciate the suggestions and the light bulb has come on that we may have too many non-negotiables in play. The good news is that these evening practices should wrap up by mid-June, so I have some time to work on resetting expectations before fall sports begin!
Anonymous says
Too many non-negotiables is often the problem. You can have both parents watch practice OR a homemade dinner OR an early bedtime, but certainly not all three of the above and possibly not even two.
Anonymous says
background: My kids are in PK, 1st and 3rd. We try to eat dinner around 5:30/6 most nights and I don’t have a moral objection to eating in the car.
Kids get off the bus @ 3. Snack and relax, get stuff ready for sport.
For sports that are 4-5, they’ll have a big snack before and dinner after (eating around 6)
For sports that are 5:30-6:30 (3rd grader) we try and have dinner ready by 5:20 so she can have part of it on the way to practice and the rest after.
For sports that are later (eg. softball games are 6:15-8pm) she eats before.
We try hard to have portable and/or fast dinners on nights when we know there will be issues with sports. Eg. have leftover hamburgers planned ready to warm up and eat on the way. Today we’re having leftover chicken chopped up with veggies and orzo.
For my 3rd grader, she showers every night but quickly on a late sports night. She’s in bed by 8:30 and lights out by 9. She gets up at 6:30 for a 7:15 bus.
My 1st grader is in bed at 8 and lights out no later than 8:15.
Anonymous says
On those nights I’d have the nanny feed kid a sandwich at 5, and then when you get home kid gets cereal and you reheat something for yourselves.
Anon says
My kid is 5. We only do one weeknight activity currently, although we’re likely adding more next school year. Activity is from 6-7 (away from home ~5:40-7:20) and we eat beforehand. We really need to be starting the bedtime routine by 8 pm, so there’s not much time afterwards, and we all like early dinner. DH and I ate around 5:15-5:30 even before we had kids, which I know is unusual.
AwayEmily says
I would feed her a super easy, portable if necessary dinner before practice, then a heavy snack after practice. So, before practice she can have a bowl of pasta or a PBJ or some pizza, plus some fruit or veg (apples, carrot sticks, etc). Then after practice, a heavy snack (an energy ball, cheese and cracker) before heading to bed. I think it’s totally fine to have snack-ish dinner a couple of times a week. And missing family dinner a few times a week is also fine (especially since the reason you’re missing it is that you are spending time together in a different way!).
NYCer says
This is what I would do too. Dinner at 5, and a snack or a bowl of cereal after practice.
I also am not sure why both parents need to go to practice, but it sounds like you have your reasons. Tbh even if one parent skipped practice, I would still probably stick with the same plan of kid dinner before practice and a substantial snack when you get home.
Anonymous says
I WFH M/W/F. Kids are 6, 2 and 2. 6 year old does bjj M/W 5-6PM. 6 year old comes home at 3:30 – gets a snack. I log off at 4:30 and we head to bjj. He usually brings another snack. DH picks up the twins at 4:30 from day care and heads home. Usually there’s something in the crock pot. If not, twins eat leftovers or dad cooks us all breakfast for dinner or something easy. 6 year old and I get home at 6:30. He showers, I eat with DH, he eats after (he prefers to eat late). OR …I shower all 3 kids then put twins to bed while DH and oldest eat together. I eat after. It’s a moving target and I’d like to do better but…it is what it is. If you only have one, I’d be fine with picking up dinner on my way home. I could do that but the twins can’t wait that long and honestly they eat as much as an adult so it’s easier to batch cook for them.
DLC says
My oldest (11) plays basketball 1-3x a week, with a variety of practice/game times. (Our other kids are 6 and 3)
On days with activities, I usually make dinner in the morning- either something from the freezer (soup) or pasta salad that keeps in the fridge, or something in the InstantPot.
4:30pm – kid gets home (on own), gets a snack. (Some days she has online therapy from 4:30-5:30) Husband picks up two other kids and is home by 5:00/5:15p, he does whatever other meal prep necessary
5:30-5:45p- eat something- the dinner that I made already or just a sandwich.
5:55p- out the door. Practice is either 5 minutes away or 15 minutes away. She is usually late to the latter and we just accept that.. One parent takes her, other parent stays home with other kids and has a more leisurely dinner. If I’m working, my husband takes all the kids with him to practice. If i’m off work before practice is done, he just drops the oldest then comes home with the other kids and I pick up the oldest from basketball.
Oldest is home from practice usually by 8:30p. Eats another snack if still hungry. Shower then in bed by 9:30p.
If it’s a Friday night game, we often go out to dinner afterwards.
There was a Lazy Genius podcast episode called “How to Eat Dinner when You are Never Home.” And her first tip was look at the day and figure out “when” and “where” people/child/parents are going to eat, then figure out the “what” afterwards. That framing really helped me think through how to get everyone fed.
Anonymous says
I am curious about why both parents are going to practice. What I’ve noticed is that there is an inverse relationship between parent involvement and athlete happiness and engagement. When both parents (or even one parent after about age 6) watch every practice, it’s usually a sign that the parents are overinvested in the sport and are coaching at home, etc. The kids of the drop-and-dash parents are usually happier and stay in the sport longer.
Anon says
This has a grain of truth to it, but isn’t universal and it depends on the sport. I was a figure skater and after a certain level moms were expected to stay and 95% of them did. Mine didn’t, because she had a job, and it negatively impacted me because she wasn’t in the network of moms who played a role in show casting. Doesn’t sound like OP’s kid figure skates but if it’s a sport like that where almost all parents stay, I don’t fault her for doing so. It can be hard to buck that peer pressure and it doesn’t make her a helicopter mom.
Anonymous says
Thank you in advance for reading my novel. We are trying to get help with our 1st grader and have been going in circles. I am hoping someone might recognize some of these behaviors and can put a name to the issue, which we can then use with a therapist.
Our daughter is a young, fidgety first grader who occasionally has the personality of an energetic 6 year old boy (that sort of annoying, run around type behavior). She was screened for ADHD at our request. She technically meets the criteria but only on her worst days– and even then it’s sort of subjective (eg. when DH filled out the parent version of the screener, she met the criteria, when I did it she didn’t, and it had to do with our perspective on “occasionally” vs “often”). She did not technically meet the criteria based on her teacher evaluation, nor was she flagged by the school. I consulted with the SPED department and they told us they took a look at her records and spoke with her teacher after we asked and she “might be a borderline case but we see no reason to intervene.” This is in a district where they are fast to flag kids with attention issues.
So with that as background because I have come up with “ADHD meltdown” in my googling and that’s what the first therapist suggested, the actual behavioral issue we have at home is that when she is tired (and it’s worse when she’s tired and hungry) she has uncontrolled, wildly inappropriate for her age, “fits.” They aren’t really tantrums, exactly– it’s like her entire prefrontal cortex stops regulating her control. She gets fixated on fighting back with whatever is being asked of her (this will typically be something like eating dinner, taking a bath with her sister instead of taking one alone, doing a chore, really anything she objects to in the moment when she is in one of these moods)…and then it takes a nosedive. She will do things that seem to be attention seeking, like start throwing the food off her plate onto the floor, or kicking the bathtub, or taking a toy and banging it against the wall– stuff she knows she shouldn’t do but seems to be doing it for the reaction. This goes on and on for up to several hours. She gets this sort of glazed look in her eye and the whole time it’s like “just ahead and f*cking try me”. She has never been violent towards anyone, but will throw things, slam doors, stomp, etc. Cooling off doesn’t help her.
We’ve done PCIT for ADHD style meltdowns, we’ve read The Explosive Child…I feel like those are both things that give us techniques that can occasionally help but are not targeted at the exact problem. DH and I are at the point where we are not-so-jokingly considering wearing body cameras because she’s truly like Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde. 80% of the time she’s a regular, awesome, extremely bright and fun kid. 18% of the time she’s really squirrelly and fidgety and can be hard to transition from one activity to another. 2% of the time, and ONLY when tired or tired/hungry and/or tired and has to pee she acts like a child with severe, uncontrollable behavioral issues. The two therapists we’ve seen so far (one virtually when this really got bad when she was 4 during COVID, and one we’ve seen live for about 8 months) focus this on inattention but they don’t really grasp the severity of her meltdowns and give us techniques that would work with someone who had some grasp on their own self control.
What works to bring her out of the meltdowns [can take 30 minutes to several hours] is to get her so distracted she forgets she’s having a meltdown. That’s it. No other technique we’ve been given or have attempted works. When we attempted the “ignore it” approach she became dangerous to herself for attention (started walking into walls, bouncing like a pinball in the hallway and nearly fell down the stairs). We try to lean into it with silly, and it is like pouring gasoline on the fire. I’ve gotten really good at seeing them coming and getting her fed and focused on something so she doesn’t have time to get wound up, and this helps tremendously. It also works when I make it about me (“I’m really upset. I need to calm down. Any ideas?” If she’s not completely over the edge she gets distracted helping me and in the process it gets her calm too). Also, this ONLY ever happens with me or my husband. She never acts like this with grandparents or babysitters (but will have a full meltdown when we return if one was brewing).
So, I’m not really asking for help, because I know we need professional help, but I am not having luck with the professionals we’ve found so far. Her ped offered to put her on meds for adhd (neither her teacher nor we think she needs them right now) and suggested melatonin to help her go to bed (this was a hilarious fail, it tripled the problem because she felt EXTRA tired but couldn’t fall asleep so had these meltdowns like 3x per week!). The therapist we are working with means well but I think she’s solving the wrong problem because I’m not able to explain how utterly irrational she gets.
There is a little boy in her class at school who acts basically exactly like she does when she’s having a meltdown and I wish it were appropriate to ask what his behavior is called. He has a full time para and she’s amazing.
AIMS says
Have you tried consulting a behavioral specialist? I’m not sure if that’s the right title but what you’re describing sounds a lot like what a friend’s child was going thru and they made a lot of progress with a behavior professional. One of the things they focus on is trying to head of the problems before they happen and address them when they are *not* happening and it seems to be effective.
Anonymous says
Seeing the train wreck coming is our #1 defense :). We are getting to be masters. Our kiddo is also really good at self reflection and will say things like “When I get like that my brain just stops telling my body to do the right things.” She’s in one of the two inclusive classes at school and it’s been really good for her to see how other kids are working through stuff in school and she’s even brought tips home.
Anonymous says
Read Brain Body Parenting. It changed the way I parent my child who is like this. Also, big hugs. This is really really hard.
Anon says
This sounds very similar to my 6yo who was diagnosed with ADHD at 5.5, though she will also have meltdowns at school, with grandparents, and with babysitters. Like you kid, she’s operates at basically two ends of the scale and nothing in between; she’s either brilliant and charming and helpful or lashing out in a way that is not common in NT 6yos. I don’t know how helpful our experience will be, based on what you said you’ve already tried or ruled out, but what has helped us the most was PCIT and medication, along with a 504 plan at school.
PCIT strategies definitely don’t work great when she’s already completely out of cope for some reason (exhausted, hungry, etc) but work well against the reflexive/defiant refusal to cooperate with simple requests (“Please get your lunchbox out of your backpack and put it in the kitchen.”) and sometimes much more complicated requests (“Please move to a different part of the room from your sister.) and I think get her more accustomed to cooperating rather that automatically refusing. We also currently have “no hitting” as our PCIT house rule (e.g. hitting anyone gets you an automatic 3-minute timeout), and again when she’s in major meltdown phase that doesn’t help, but it definitely does give her some reason to try to rein in her hitting impulses, which helps keeps things from escalating.
Re medication, she started on Intuniv 3.5 months ago and it’s been life changing. We didn’t want to do stimulants if we could avoid it (worried about our already skinny kid dropping off the growth charts), but the Intuniv seems to lower her baseline reactivity enough that she’s much more able to cope with small frustrations or demands. It’s not that she doesn’t have massive meltdowns still, but we’re at maybe 1-2 per week, rather than daily.
The 504 plan doesn’t have a lot in it, but basically we’re able to put in strategies that keep her from escalating at school and she’s a lot better at home when she’s not spending a good portion of her school day in the escalated/tantrum state.
Anonymous says
Thanks! We did/do PCIT and it sort of just told us that what we were doing was right on track, so in a sense it was very helpful. We use all of those strategies at home and they are effective, but her normal home behavior really isn’t ever the issue. We have other kids, they can all be punks, we parent all a bit differently.
She has come a long way and it’s really only the massive meltdowns that we can’t deal with, which is why we are hesitant to start meds. She used to only melt down maybe once every 6-8 weeks, or longer, but in the past few months it’s been weekly or more. Never more than once per day, and only ever at night, at home, with parents. Once she had one in the car after a long ski trip (but it was bedtime). We think (hope!) it’s tied to growth and might mellow out but…man if it doesn’t I need a vacation.
Anonymous says
Melting down at home with parents is common. They use up all their energy holding it together with others all day, and have nothing left at the end of the day when they reach their “safe” space.
Anon says
For my family, the massive meltdowns were reason enough to start meds. My kid (and those of others I know) says she really don’t like getting out of control and having meltdowns, and meds are a tool that (in combination with other strategies) helps her feel like she has more control over her emotions and impulses. We also found that her sleep needs went way down after starting meds (despite increased sleepiness being a potential side effect), which seems to be because she is way less exhausted when she has chemical help to hold it together at school.
I totally get that meds are not right for all kids/families, though. We’re not medicating my inattentive-type ADHD kid because it’s not yet at a point where it’s interfering significantly with her daily life.
very anon says
Thank you both for sharing. I could have written all of this. We are currently looking at starting PCIT and getting a neuropsych eval as well as OT. The level of patience and planning required to manage our son’s behavior is almost a full time job – which has started to lead me down the path of scaling back at work when I really don’t want to, but my husband has identified that he lacks the patience required (one part of my plan is to work on this in therapy with him as well, but I do appreciate that he owns it/recognizes his weakness). I
I am following closely. School has been great so far with accommodations we haven’t even asked for (letting my son sit at a chair instead of on the rug because he fidgets, aftercare lets him hyperfocus on his Legos for 2+ hours which calms him down, etc) so not even sure we need a 504 (yet). But his teacher said his blurting and impulsiveness will affect him socially next year – it’s like his brain and body are both going a million miles an hour, he can’t wait to answer questions, can’t wait his turn, can’t sit still. Academically he is on track for all subjects except math where she says he’s advanced. So not even sure what accommodations we’d ask for! Just want to help him not have these insane meltdowns (which we refer to “going gremlin” – it’s like his alter ego takes over and he can’t be reasoned with/spoken to/comforted).
Anonymous says
I’m the OP. I’m not sure how your school works, but at ours, there are 1-2 inclusion classes per grade. My kid is in one this year and I’ve asked for her to be in one next year. It’s got the main teacher and two full time ABAs in there, one dedicated to each of the two boys with pretty severe behavioral issues, and a class size of 18. Our district shoveled money into socio-emotional learning this year so our elem school has a new “feelings teacher” that works with all the grades but does an extra 1-2 sessions per week with my kid’s class. She came home recently with a “coping strategies toolkit” that she was absolutely beaming to show off and honestly, it’s already gotten good use.
My kid also has been given accommodations without a 504 and I asked her teacher (who is basically Ms Honey from Matilda) about how to make next year successful, if we needed anything documented, etc. She told me she recommended my kiddo go in a class with one of the “new school” style teachers as the training younger teachers get now is very focused on SEO, behavior modification, etc. which would benefit my kid. My older two had the more “traditional” teacher (and loved her! she was amazing!) and I’m pretty sure we won’t have her next year.
very anon says
Good point on placement for next year. We also have a Miss Honey-esque teacher this year who I’ve heard is absolutely the best teacher for my kid to have, but I totally see your point if he got an old school/traditionalist. So having something documented could be helpful for that – thank you!
We have a LICSW on staff at school who comes in and does socio-emotional learning and sent home a similar kit. My son ripped it up in frustration during a tantrum once, but when he’s in his right mind, he totally gets it.
Anonymous says
I am curious as to why you don’t think meds are warranted. The severity of the meltdowns would have me interested in trying meds.
Anonymous says
OP here…because they don’t happen that often. Historically maybe every 1-2 months or less. Recently 1-2x/week, though idk if this is just a period of growth for her. Putting her on daily meds for that is something we are not quite ready for at this point before ruling out other interventions.
Anonymous says
In your shoes, I’d suspect that she is suffering in other ways that will only become apparent once you start meds.
anon says
Frankly it sounds more like AuDHD than just ADHD innatentive type to me (which is what my kid and some others on the board have) – low support needs ASD, innatentive ADHD, and high IQ which allows the kid to ‘mask’ until they can’t any longer OR until they are over stimulated. You don’t have to pursue a diagnosis to learn about how to deal with overstimulation in ASD kids. Maybe read up on it and see if it sounds like it fits and try the suggested approaches to see if they help.
Fwiw – ADHD innatentive type and ASD are HUGELY underdiagnosed in girls and look much different.
Anonymous says
OP here, and that wouldn’t surprise me at all. That also describes DH. They are very rigid/inflexible, often inattentive, really literal, notably socially awkward sometimes but not to the point they have issues with friendships but it’s not something that comes easy to them. Never tested her IQ but I would bet it’s extremely high. I have 3 kids and they are all bright/get good grades but this one is clearly above and beyond.
So….with that said, any recommended resources on what to read up on? Because I’m here for it!
anon says
I’d suggest reading up on ‘PDA’ type autism and the AuDHD personality (the autism can mask the ADHD and vice versa so its a difficult diagnosis). One thing to note (and you seem to have found this) is that the Dr. Becky style approach simply won’t work. We focused on creating a safe sensory space (soft bean bag/sensory swing/a soft blanket over the head on the bed in a pinch) to allow the child’s system to ‘reset’ for a bit. If we interrupt it just amps things up. When my child was smaller (6-7) I’d set a timer and check in a 5/10 minutes which was usually enough to allow for a reset.
You also may want to look into ADHD and hunger/thirst issues – it’s not uncommon for folks with it to not ‘feel’ the hunger or thirst cues and then get SO hungry/thirsty they melt down. If you’ve ever seen your spouse hyperfocus on something and ‘forget’ to eat or ‘not feel hungry’ all day long only to eat a huge meal when they do finally eat something it’s similar behavior. ADDitude magazine has been super helpful for us.
Been there says
I could write something very similar about my bright and often sweet 8 year old. We similarly found the pediatrician’s surveys vague and their offers of medication without a medical basis frustrating. We did a multi- hour psychological evaluation (friend’s kids have done ones spread over multiple days) that included parent- child interviews along with a number of surveys and tests that were much more thorough than the ped’s. I am hoping this gives us more concrete answers- still waiting to meet with the psychologist. While waiting for testing we tried mightier (video games with bio feedback that helps kids learn to calm themselves down) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Neither of these approaches have been a magic bullet but a couple months in, we have fewer DEFCON5 “tantrums”- which is what the CBT calls them.
Anonymous says
The medical basis is the diagnosis based on observation of the child which includes your observation. There’s no blood test for ADD
anon says
+1. If only it were that easy.
AwayEmily says
No advice but wanted to say that you guys sound like amazing parents for (1) methodically trying so many different approaches, (2) realizing that it’s not something she’s doing deliberately and (2) being aggressive in trying to get her help (including asking on here!). She’s lucky to have you.
Cb says
My son’s bestie is like this to a T, and it’s exhausting for mom and dad, and so hard for the little girl. When it happens, you can tell that it’s not that she’s naughty, she’s just in an another state. No advice, but just a note of solidarity.
Anonymous says
Thanks. We had that breakthrough when she was 4.5. She’s not doing this *at* us. She’s not her right self when this stuff happens, so we try really hard not to take it personally.
anon says
You talk about ignoring her behavior or trying to be silly as different approaches for calming her down, but what about using an old-fashioned time out? It sounds like you’ve tried everything, but I’m just curious. I haven’t read The Explosive Child.
Anonymous says
OP here. These are beyond the concept of Time Out. We do encourage her to take some time for herself when she’s starting to get worked up. But these meltdowns are, as another poster said, DEFCON 5. The only thing she has never done is be violent, but if it ever went that way it would be really, really bad.
anon says
If she is never violent, why is it DEFCON 5?
You mentioned below that her triggers are being tired and hungry, and that the only thing that helps is distraction. I would just give her a fruit leather, sit her in front of the TV, let her calm down for 20 minutes, and then try to talk about it afterward so she understands that freaking out is not okay and other actions to take instead. Because this behavior is so infrequent, you wouldn’t have to do this every night, just once in a while when the alternative is hours of emotional venting.
Anonymous says
I’m guessing you aren’t one of the parents that has a kid like this. It’s not that easy ;).
EDAnon says
I agree with 2:39. My kid is calmed with fruit snacks and Wild Kratts. So to others with hungry, tired kids, it is a great strategy! A psychologist recommended it to us! Because all kiddos this age still meltdown when tired and hungry.
But this sounds like it goes beyond the typical “losing it” at the end of a big day.
Anon says
Not OP, but I have a similar child/ren and if left alone they will absolutely destroy the place. Everything knocked on the floor, toys thrown down the stairs, a hole in the wall from kicking it, etc. In the throws of a tantrum I cannot leave my (strong) kids alone. And like OP, I know they are not trying to be “bad”, they literally cannot control themselves. Piling on additional consequences (or punishments) will not help; they are not in their right mind, and my job as parent is to stay physically present to try to prevent harm until they calm down.
That’s not to say we “permit” this, btw; we do make changes like cutting screen time or extra activities or allowing more rest time. It’s not a punishment and we don’t even verbally connect it with the action, but these general lifestyle changes help regulate our children overall.
very anon says
My son has destroyed the back of his bedroom door from throwing things at it. I have had some success reading to him while holding his body so he can’t hurt me or himself, and reading calms him down. But otherwise, once he goes gremlin, it’s over. He just sobs and sobs, yells at us. It is so hard to watch. We can’t always give in to his demands, either – he needs to take his medicine, take a shower, go to sleep, etc. So the tantrums become unavoidable unless we’ve carefully planned his day to avoid ANY triggers whatsoever (we’re successful at avoiding all triggers about 6 days a week usually – but that one day, it’s a nightmare).
anon says
I don’t view time out as a punishment. It’s a way to help the child calm down, understand they need to change their behavior, and begin again with a fresh start, which seems to be the exact problem the OP is trying to address.
Anon says
Ok, but leaving my children alone will not help, it will only allow them to spiral further. I didn’t really connect the dots with my punishment statement – I was anticipating the normal follow up questions of “well if they destroy the room you can just take away screentime! And ground them! Then they’ll learn!” and it doesn’t work like that for my kids.
Anonymous says
Can you talk more about her triggers? Some people do better and worse at different times of the day. One of our twins really struggles in the morning so he has chores assigned in the evening. The other one is bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning so he has morning chores (unload the dishwasher). At age 6 their chores were more minimal and were parent guided/supported.
If you know her triggers, I would work hard to avoid those. That avoids the battle before it starts. Make sure she is getting sufficient sleep (we talk about the value of resting our bodies and eyes), limit screen time (especially youtube), and make sure you have balanced snacks available if meals are delayed for some reason.
How much outside time for free play does she get? Our kids do much better on the days they walk to school or have free play time outside in the garden afterschool or after dinner. Lots of scheduled activities and having to be ‘on’ all day between school and an afterschool program can be really exhausting for kids
I would also think about how responsive you are to her legitimate concerns. Really hearing her before a meltdown can help. In our family, 6 years old would be too old to force a bath with a sibling. We are not shy about nakedness (DH is European) but we allow the kids control over who and when they are seen naked unless there is a medical reason. We also have a child who really struggles with eating meat because it comes from animals. He can chose to be vegetarian when he is older but for medical reasons at the moment, he has to eat some meat. We’ve worked with him to find foods in textures that work for him (hamburgers or meatballs but not steak, chicken sausage instead of pork sausage etc) and don’t ask him to eat it every day because it works better for him to eat a larger amount 2-3 times a week vs a smaller daily amount.
Anonymous says
Always night time, always when she’s tired. When she’s tired and hungry it’s even worse. Her trigger seems to be “control” eg. when asked to do something she doesn’t want to do.
we already treat her sleep as a medical issue (eg. prioritized above all else).
Anonymous says
Being a kid is rough – they spend all day doing what other people tell them to do – go to school, eat this, wear this etc.
If it’s just one evening a week that doesn’t really sound like ADHD. Is it a certain day of the week? Can you switch to simpler meals or reduce chores or switch to bathing every second night to reduce triggers?
6 is still so young and school is really exhausting for them at that age.
Anonymous says
School should not be exhausting for kids at any age. If it is, there is something going on (maybe just bad classroom management).
Anonymous says
For an introvert, school can be amazing, but also exhausting. And that’s not looking at the mental effort from behaving and learning and just experiencing that’s constantly happening.
I was always exhausted at the end of a school day. Not in a bad way necessarily but definitely drained. Even now when I’m WFH, I’m mentally worn out if I have harder work or more meetings.
Anon says
The best way for young kids to rest and refresh themselves is through outdoor time, movement and unstructured play. The way to mentally exhaust them is to make them sit still inside for hours, do worksheets or watch a screen, and “follow directions” all day. Which one of those sounds like school?
It’s exhaustion from having to keep themselves in control, restrained and following someone else’s agenda for eight hours straight, especially as lunch time and recess are cut.
Anonymous says
OP here. She’s nearly 7. It happens in summer when school isn’t in play. She does get plenty of rest and downtime.
I have other kids and know a LOT of kids this age; this is not normal. It’s just a question of articulating it properly to get at the issue(s) so we can find more things that work. We have already found a lot, including the very obvious “keep her fed, slept, and empty of urine.” I learned from another poster today that she may not feel hunger cues as acutely which was super enlightening.
Anonymous says
What’s the care arrangement in the summer? Daycamps can also be tiring like school with different rules and kids to adjust to each week.
If she’s almost 7 it’s inappropriate for you to force her to bathe with her sister. If she wants to, that’s one thing, but you are forcing her to be naked around her sister when she doesn’t want to. That’s not a control issue, that’s a respecting her issue. Maybe teachers/grandparents/babysitters listen to her wishes more and that’s why there is less reaction. You mention having other kids. Does she get weekly one on one time with you and DH individually? If she’s stomping and slamming doors when she is mad and not physically attacking people, I don’t see how that is DEFON 5.
Anonymous says
Summer is super laid back. No all day camps. Neighborhood pool, half day camps that she picked and has friends at (and we never force them to go), laid back swim team which she loves. On days she isn’t feeling swim team she just doesn’t do it.
Anon says
this describes one of my 5 year old girl twins almost exactly. our struggle though is she will get violent (scratching, biting, hitting, kicking) and do destructive things that she knows she shouldn’t be doing. for me the thing that works best with calming her down once she is there is bringing her into our guest room where there isn’t much to harm, and letting her cry, pound the floor, throw pillows, etc. while i sit with her and try to empathize with how she is feeling. the struggle is that i often solo parent and so when it’s just me with both kids this is hard to do. or if the other kid has had her own type of meltdown earlier and i’m running low on patience. the other problem is that DH is still very much learning how to calm her down in these moments so really she needs me to help. she once had a meltdown with our nanny of almost 5 years but she was sick and overtired and just wanted mommy and she ended up sobbing hysterically, throwing art supplies all around our screened in porch and then falling asleep on the table. please report back with whatever you figure out bc this really is my kid too.
Anonymous says
You can’t parent your way out of ADHD.
Anonymous says
Not the OP, but thanks everyone for the replies. I have a 7-year old with a lot of overlap to the behavior of the OP’s child, except that he does get violent (hitting, scratching, spitting, throwing things at us) when he is mid-tantrum. Now that he’s getting older and stronger, it’s a real problem. He’s perfectly lovely 90% of the time, but the meltdowns really seem disproportionately unreasonable for his age.
So Anon says
I echo the others that you are doing an awesome job. I don’t have a ton of time so I just want to throw out a few ideas/thoughts. This sounds a lot like my daughter who was just diagnosed as autistic/ADHD. Her intelligence helps her to mask but the meltdowns are truly epic. What I/her team have found is that she struggles with identifying the feelings in her own body, so she does not see the dysregulation coming. We are starting OT to work on strategies to be able to identify the feelings, triggers and to help with the sensory aspect. Kiddos like this are typically not flagged by the schools or their teachers because they do not struggle in school. If you haven’t already, I would look for a neuropsych that specializes in girls because they understand that the presentation of these struggles look very different in girls v. boys.
Anonymous says
+1 to all of this, but I’d rephrase the “do not struggle in school” part. They merely appear not to struggle in school, when in fact they are invisibly putting in much more effort than other kids to get those As.
Anonymous says
Surprised at the number of people who think a 6 year old child should be medicated or has ADHD or Autism because of some door slamming and stomping around when tired and hungry, especially where it’s a weekly to monthly thing.
AwayEmily says
The responses are trusting this parent to know that her kid’s behavior is reason for concern and offering suggestions. The OP has other kids (and I’m sure knows many other kids) and says that this behavior is unusual and concerning. I believe their assessment — they are clearly a thoughtful, considered parent. And people are giving a range of options, some of which include medication, and the OP can take or leave those suggestions. That’s how an open advice forum is supposed to work.
Anon says
I didn’t read it as a criticism of Op, who seems very thoughtful about this. If anything it seemed more critical of those who are criticizing Op for not already medicating.
I will say that while this behavior sounds fairly extreme for a neurotypical 6 year old and I would share OP’s concerns, somebody always has to be to be at the top and bottom of the bell curve in any metric (behavior, weight, academics, etc) and the fact that somebody has other, easier kids and knows tons of easier kids does not mean a child has a medical issue or needs medication. Just speaking as someone with an apparently neurotypical kid who is probably up there above the 95th percentile in terms of certain challenging behaviors. As my ped likes to say “normal” and “typical” are not synonymous when it comes to child development.
Anon says
+1 And there are many environmental components that may exacerbate behavioral issues, whether neurotypical or not. Medication can absolutely be a tool in the toolbox, but it doesn’t need to be the primary one, and since these parents have gone through the rigamarole of diagnosis without clear answers maybe other strategies could help.
(And I’m going to say it…screen time is a huge factor these days. Especially for kids with ADHD, certain media can further rile up their thoughts and hamper their impulse control and executive functioning. I’m not directing this at OP, but moreso speaking to the general point – we have had loads of screen time convos on this board and loads of challenging behavior threads, and I wonder what the Venn diagram is…)
AwayEmily says
Very fair point — I guess I read it as an implicit criticism of OP because I felt like it was also minimizing their concerns by referring to the kid’s behavior as just “some door slamming and stomping around when tired and hungry.”
anon says
I completely agree. It’s clear from all these comments that the pharmaceutical and therapy industrial complex has replaced common sense parenting.
Anonymous says
As a counter, I was raised by amazing parents and all the common sense available. I did well in school, but invisibly struggled everyday, to the point that I was throwing up from stress in high school and hiding it.
You know what would have helped… if my parents had known that I showed all the signs of ADHD as it presents in intelligent school-driven inattentive-type girls.
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult and until after I had ulcers from the amount of coffee I was drinking to self medicate. One low dose of a nonstimulant-type ADHD drug daily and I drink nearly coffee and get more work and chores done with less stress. The drug has FDA approval for use in children with ADHD and adults with high blood pressure (but strangely not for ADHD in adults).
Anonymous says
I’m the OP. As we learned more about our child, My husband believes he has had adhd all along. He’s the one pushing to help her understand her brain because it explained so much when he figure it out.
So Anon says
I’m not even sure what “common sense parenting” means other than to cast judgment at parents that are seeking to help their children or whether we are supposed to aspire to the ranks of those with “common sense.” Either way, I see a load of parents, mostly moms, on this board who are paying close attention to their children and doing what they can to ensure that their children do not struggle needlessly.
Anon says
A lot of moms on this board are very anxious to put a label on their kids.
Anonymous says
OP says there is a borderline ADHD diagnosis and the child is doing well in school. To me that’s a red flag–kids with ADHD who manage to keep it together during school tend to be underdiagnosed. The suffering these kids endure just to get through their day, when other kids breeze through with ease, is heartbreaking and invisible. If the child actually does have ADHD, a trial of the right ADHD medication will be revelatory. If the child does not have ADHD (or the med is not right for the child), the medication will not help.
anon says
This is simply not true. A trial of medication will not prove if a kid has ADHD. Reasoning like this is why so many children are overmedicated from a young age.
Anonymous says
I am not saying that a trial of an ADHD medication is a diagnostic mechanism. I am saying that if a kid with ADHD gets the right medication the parents and the child will be amazed by how much better life is. Life for families with a kid with untreated ADHD is so incredibly difficult and you don’t even realize how much better it can be until your kid is properly treated.
I am also pointing out that a trial of medication is just that–a trial. If it doesn’t work you try another or stop medicating.
Anti-medication stigma causes so much needless suffering. Not all difficult kids have ADHD, and medication won’t help all kids with ADHD. But stigmatizing parents who get their children the medication they need to have a productive, happy life discourages many parents from trying a treatment that may be appropriate and life-changing for their children.
Anonymous says
A trial of medication is a reasonable way to assess if a kid has ADHD or not, so long as it is in combination with other evaluation methods. There is no way to ‘prove’ it one way or the other.
And also if a medication helps a kid sleep better, melt down less, be less drained at the end of a standard day, be generally happier, etc, does the diagnosis matter. If a med helps, it helps.
Anonymous says
OP is not just describing stomping around and door-slamming. She is describing violent behavior that is potentially harmful to her child (slamming into walls, falling down stairs, etc.). That’s not caused by screen time.
Anon says
She has specifically said her child is never violent, so I have no idea why this behavior is considered so extreme.
Anon says
+1 my kid is younger but until recently had similar meltdowns much more frequently. It really doesn’t sound that weird to me, if the kid isn’t getting physical.
Anonymous says
I see there are lot of responses but honestly our kid’s therapist understands “meltdown” as what you are describing. And I recently learned from said therapist that this behavior is actually still within the normal scope for an 8 year old unless it’s happening many times a day for lengthy periods – ours is most but not all days, again happens when tired/sick/physically uncomfortable. After much work with our child the root issue is anxiety. You could explore whether that is at issue for your child. Most of the tactics we use are not ones that we use DURING the meltdown. My husband’s own therapist suggested to him to think of child having a meltdown like a drunk college student – has a great vocabulary and seems like you could argue with them, but not logical and won’t follow the rules of argument.
Anonymous says
Maybe you can’t ask directly about the boy in her class, but couldn’t you ask the teacher and para about the strategies they use in the classroom for those specific issues because those strategies might help at home?
Cb says
How involved are you with your kid’s school? I work fulltime and travel a lot but try to hit 30-40 volunteer hours per year.
I answer the call for volunteers shout outs when I can (mostly, I want to be manual labour), and am heading up the active travel group, mostly because I need to channel my rage against car drivers productively. Somehow I’ve gotten roped into doing the talk to incoming parents about how to get their kids to school without running other kids over…, working title “don’t park like a p—“
Anon says
I was not involved in daycare at all. I joined the PTA my first year there but didn’t feel like I was making any difference to the kids or teachers and the other parents were quite cliquey. That school year was cut short by Covid, and then I never signed up again because I didn’t enjoy it and didn’t feel like I was doing any good. I think I’ll be a lot more involved in elementary school but TBD. It seems like in elementary school there are a lot more volunteering opportunities where you work directly with kids and I think that’s what I’d enjoy more and be good at.
Cb says
It’s funny, I’m the opposite. I’ll prep the school uniform bank (Scottish state schools = uniforms) and run the travel survey, but I don’t want to interact with children who are not my own.
I also HATE meetings, but am happy to do the analysis/tech side of things.
Anon says
I wouldn’t mind doing stuff like that either, although I do think I’d prefer to interact with kids. Daycare PTA was really nothing other than monthly boring meetings and then voting to endorse everything the director said. I didn’t see how we were adding any value to the school and tbh I still don’t even really understand why the daycare PTA needed to exist. It seemed to have no impact on teachers or kids. Managing the uniform bank and travel surveys definitely seems useful!
Anonymous says
Both DH and I are medium level involved. One of my kids’ BFF’s mom’s is Very Involved [and also works full time], so I told her to reach out when they need help. BFF is the 4th and last of their kids to be at the school.
I’m on a few committees but run/lead none of them. I’ll probably take over the book fair when my oldest and her BFF graduate since BFF’s mom has fun it for 8 years and I have two more kids to go. DH and I both have volunteered for daytime events when possible. I’m a room mom for one kid, which is super easy. I’m probably over 40 hours/year but it’s really low key stuff. I don’t mind collecting $$ for a teacher gift or whatever.
anon says
I have a tendency to hover, so I’m very involved at home and help them on homework and summer review, but leave school to be their space. They don’t need me there. I do always attend performances, award ceremonies, etc. But don’t do field trips, field days, holiday parties, or regular volunteering.
Anon says
Not very involved. I see it as free labor and let the SAHM do it. I am very involved at home
Anonymous says
+1. My oldest started kinder last year and I attended a few PTA meetings. It quickly became apparent this was a part to full time job for most of the parents. I have a job, so I quietly bowed out. I also don’t chaperone because my kid behaves worse when I’m around, not better. Maybe in a couple of years I’ll volunteer with the PTA, but I kind of doubt it. I feel like my time would be better spent as a CASA or reading to kids or something like that.
Anonymous says
Nope. Our school has different volunteer opportunities for moms and dads and I refuse to participate on principle. My kid doesn’t want me in her space anyway. I get my dose of people taking trivial things way too seriously by volunteering at church instead.
Anonymous says
Is that a public school in the US?????
Anonymous says
Yes. Moms are allowed to bring in a crockpot of chili for the teacher “souper bowl” luncheon, be the room parent, or volunteer to help with reading in the classroom on a weekly basis. Dads are theoretically permitted to do all of these things but are also offered a program called “WatchDOGS” where they come volunteer in the school for a single day. Working moms are not allowed to be WatchDOGS.
Anon says
That is awful… omg!
I live in a politically conservative area but our schools have mostly moved away from mom and dad language in favor of “your grown up” to be more inclusive of step-parents, grandparents etc. I can’t imagine a volunteer opportunity explicitly for dads only.
anon says
Firmly in the give money and wish list items camp. Need snacks for the teacher’s lounge – I’ll order something delivered! Silent auction – I’ll bid! I join activities within my kid’s classroom (facilitated by room parents) but school-wide we are in the money > time phase.
EDAnon says
I am similar. I would call us moderately involved. My husband or I go on all field trips and we come to all concerts, presentations, etc. during the day which eats up any volunteer time.
So we give money or pay for snacks and such.
AwayEmily says
I’ve gotten involved this year. My kids go to a Title I elementary and a lot of the parents are really struggling just to make ends meet and couldn’t volunteer even if they wanted to, so I feel like as someone with more resources (both time and money) I should step in. I don’t have a lot of time or desire to do in-person stuff (and those seem covered by SAHPs) but I’ve volunteered to take on more of the financial aspects that I can do from home after the kids are in bed — reaching out to potential donors, handling the accounts, etc. I suspect I’ll take on a bigger role as my kids get older — right now only one is in school (1st grade) and my second starts K in the fall. I don’t love it, honestly, but I don’t do a lot of volunteering otherwise so I figure this is my contribution. And the people seem nice so far.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
One of BFFs (has a rising 2nd grader!) has put it similarly – She and I grew up with volunteerism being a cornerstone of life as a teen, college student, and through adulthood pre-kids. The school volunteering is an easy dovetail to fill that need/desire for now.
GCA says
I’m in the same camp. Kids in a Title I school, also money > time. We do bits and pieces of financial & direct support of school classrooms and teachers: direct cash donation rather than the pizza night fundraiser, send kiddo to book fair to buy a book for himself and one for the classroom, and give wish list items for classroom. Oh, and the occasional school committee meeting to speak up for teachers when the teachers were in acrimonious contract negotiations (they eventually reached a not-ideal-but-ok agreement – phew).
Anonymous says
I do a little volunteering, although mostly just for big events like the fall festival fundraiser, etc. At my son’s school, most families have 2 working parents and/or are recent immigrants with few resources, so I don’t feel like I can just assume SAHMs. However, it is still really gendered – many more women volunteer than men – which bugs me. But my husband is a teacher and also kind of asocial (he’s hardworking but uncooperative), so he’s not keen to sign up. To be fair, I am also somewhat uncooperative and don’t love group projects. But I have found that it is a good way to meet other parents, and I want more friends, so I plan to try to do more when my son switches schools next year.
Anonymous says
PS – I do not volunteer during the school day, and I’m not even sure that is possible at my son’s school except for things like chaperoning field trips
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Preschool/Daycare: This year, I was room parent for DS #1’s kinder class (~12 kids + low key families – pretty easy/fun stuff, mostly just managing the whatsapp and putting together sign-ups for parties/class gifts). The PTO meets only a few times a year, and I’ve attended virtually. I always venmo/donated to efforts for DS #2’s class.
Next year, as DS #1 matriculates into public K, I do plan to volunteer regularly – not as a PTO chair/officer (maybe later on once I get a better flavor for things), but I do want to contribute time AND money.
Plus, I live in a red state and there are some very tough and ugly things conservatives are doing to our majority BIPOC, very large, urban school district in a blue city that will have chilling impacts, so I want to have close line of sight to implement/push changes and resistance where I can.
Anon says
We regularly buy snacks for the classroom and counselor, and my husband and I occasionally volunteer for events like field trip chaperoning or the book fair. I won’t do anything that involves planning or meetings because I have more than enough of that at the office, but I’m happy to show up and do tasks, and it has been a delight to see my kid in their environment (and they LOVE it).
LittleBigLaw says
I think I need a career coach. For about a year now, I’ve been bouncing back and forth between fantasizing about stepping back at work to spend more time at home and wanting to really lean in and accomplish something meaningful with my legal career. I don’t know what I really want, but I’m clearly not happy with my current situation. Any recommendations for someone that can help me get unstuck and figure out a path forward?
A says
I am in the same boat and haven’t moved forward with a coach yet, but recently joined the Law Mamas Jobs Group on Facebook. There is a lot of conversation around coaches and several recommendation threads there.
Anonymous says
We have a child who is bright but over the years, slowed down considerably by the COVID years, it seemed that everything was not plain vanilla. After testing and evaluations, she has autism and ADHD (combined type, so stimming is a constant and kiddo will always need the gross motor release of recess it seems). She gets mostly Bs with Cs in math in regular school and is heading into high school. We are about 3-4 years behind where we should have been with getting her identified and any sense of what therapies / accommodations she needs. Public school so far, but we have pulled her out at least several times a week since getting off the waitlists for in-person OT, speech, and PT, along with an autism-friendly psychology for therapy. It’s getting to be too much to manage and it’s not going well — school doesn’t seem to care about working with other providers, the IEP is largely ignored due to staffing and turnover, etc. Most private schools won’t take a kid with an autism diagnosis (fearing the worst). The one that will is . . . largely not aimed at kids who might be capable of work and college. What would you do? Have kiddo struggle in a large public high school? I guess I’m worried what the world looks like when she is 19 and maybe our limping-along hybrid system will be what works? IDK what to do if she starts high school in the fall and it’s a nightmare — Plan B seems like it will limit her to being a dependent-on-me adult when I think she could be much more than that. We are in a good-sized US city and for family reasons won’t be likely to leave it even over this (but if there are summer programs for kids like this or gap year programs, would consider that even if I have to relocate for a season or year).
Anon says
i would fight hard with other private schools to let her in if you can afford it. idk what area you are in, but near me a lot of the schools that are technically affiliated with a religion but aren’t actually that religious have had to adapt to be more accepting/accommodating of kids with differences
Anonymous says
I don’t know what good fighting for admission to a private school is. If they don’t want your kid there, they will not treat her well even if you badger them into admitting her, and they will always be trying to find ways to get you to withdraw her voluntarily.
OP, I’d try to find a private educational consultant; ask the therapist for referrals first. There is one near us who knows everything about the public and private schools and which are the best fit for which issues. We live in a very backwards, anti-education area but there are still several private schools in town that would be a good fit for your child. They just aren’t ones most people would even know existed.
Anon says
What are her strengths? When is she happiest? What do you see your kid growing up to be?
I feel like kids who aren’t traditional achievers do best when the find an environment that plays to their strengths, be it art, music, technology, etc. If you can find her a safe haven for her to grow in her strengths while also working on the skills she needs, you’ll likely have the best fit. There’s always homeschooling with supports or online programs. There may also be public magnet schools or career based programs. I don’t know what is in your area, but even the right teacher-mentor at a public high school might make all the difference.
Anonymous says
My husband and I are both permanent WFH. He is on Zoom all day and is extremely loud so I can hear everything he says. I have noticed that he is constantly talking about himself, where he grew up, etc. I never hear him ask anyone else about themselves, or other people talking about themselves. And he seems to be spending more time talking about himself than about the work. This is weird, right? It seems so self-centered and irrelevant.
An.On. says
Your husband may (or may not) be annoying to other people, but don’t let it be annoying to you. You don’t know the other side of his conversations, maybe it’s how they all talk to each other. As long as his professional life is going smoothly I would just tell him to keep it down and let it go.
Anon says
It’s weird but it’s also not really your business. I also think men can get away with this much more easily than women can.
Anonymous says
Is this the only setting in which your husband does this, or is this his normal pattern?
If he only does it at work, and he’s in a job where building connections and relationships is key, then this may be his way of doing that.
If this is who he is in general, I’m guessing you’d have noticed this pattern in other settings as well?
Anonymous says
He is a software developer. He does it in other settings, but it’s just more noticeable when it is going on all day very loudly.
Anonymous says
So in general, his conversation tends to be holding forth about himself rather than showing equal interest in other people.
From what you know of him, is this because he actually is self-centered and not particularly caring? Or has he never learned the skill of having a back-and-forth conversation that draws another person out? If it’s the former, that’s a character flaw that i’m sure you’re experiencing in your marriage. If it’s the latter, it’s a skill set he can learn. Either way, he has to be motivated and invested in order to change, and you’d need to discern whether this is a change you want to talk with him about.