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Boston Legal Eagle says
Just throwing this out there if anyone else has a month full of early releases and days off:
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/reminder-from-your-childs-school-tomorrow-is-a-super-partial-laughable-early-dismissal-day?fbclid=IwAR2r15w2iPJChjB7pjh8MlpGg8q63_IXQCULqWPqdrkf1n3s4x52rRu-VDQ
Cb says
12 PM release every single Friday.
When we were still in the city and I was resisting decamping to suburbia, I would say “I WILL NOT live in Town Y”, the big town halfway between two major cities where I could work (jokes on me, I work in neither!). We’ve since decamped, and I realise that unlike our lovely coastal village, Town Y has a full day on Friday. And is closer to the airport to boot.
GCA says
11:15 early release every (!) Wednesday, BUT our school system is full of middle-class working parents and the aftercare program is large (but still not large enough, they are having trouble recruiting staff) and has good hours…
Anonymous says
What is the point of even going to school if they are letting them out 3 hours later?!? They will spend all that time taking attendance and lining up and do zero learning.
Cb says
This is my objection to the Friday 9-12. I’d like it more if it was some sort of enrichment day, where they did outdoor learning, art, PE etc and we could send them in gym clothes instead of uniform.
Anon says
Eh it’s super inconvenient for working parents, I get that. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing for kids, especially in elementary school. Half day K is a thing, and that’s every day not one day a week. American kids generally need more time for play and outdoor activity.
GCA says
Yeah, I don’t mind it because kiddo is still getting outdoor playtime (as in – it’s light enough out for aftercare to take them outside to the school playground) and interacting with his friends in a non-classroom setting. 45min class blocks are plenty for a 7 or 8yo’s attention span, I think.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Every Wednesday?! That is something… That’s basically what we’ve got this month, but luckily back to regularly scheduled programming in Dec. (besides the holidays of course, ha). Our school aftercare program fills up quickly too and if you don’t make it in K via the lottery, you’re out of luck as spots don’t really open up in later grades.
anon says
My mind is blown. That’s what, 3 hours of school? And it happens WEEKLY?
We have a monthly early-release day, but it’s only shaving off one hour from the school day and after-care starts immediately on those days.
Anonymous says
My kid isn’t in school yet, but ours is 1 pm every single Monday for elementary schools. And the district canceled aftercare with like a month’s notice before school started this year because they couldn’t find staff. I am dreading having to deal with all of this.
Anonymous says
Monday is the worst day for this. Why not Friday?
Anonymous says
Probably because teachers don’t want to do prep work or training on Friday afternoons.
Anonymous says
How does this satisfy instructional hours requirements for state and federal funding? Surely 3 hours is not enough to count as a full day.
Our district has added a lot of days off to the calendar, yet maintains its draconian attendance requirements the rest of the time.
Anon says
I don’t really know the details but I know our district has some sort of waiver with respect to the state’s minimum instructional time based on being a high-performing district.
TheElms says
I had this as a kid until age 12. It was my favorite thing. I realize it was hard for my parents from a childcare perspective, but often by Friday I was just exhausted from the week and it was really nice to go to school (school started at 8:30 I believe) and be done at Noon. My recollection was that after 4th grade we still had time for Language arts (45 min), Math (45 min), Science or Art (1.5 hours) and a morning homeroom (15 min) and the remaining time was a bathroom break I think or passing time so we could walk to the science or art room. So it was worthwhile from a school experience I think.
Pogo says
This is SO spot on.
Last week he only had 3 real days of school, this is another week with a half day, which is different than the “early dismissal” on the 23rd. Luckily last week he did those 2 days at a local indoor sports place and for the half day, they do have extended day where they take them to a movie. On the 23rd I’ll try to pawn him off on relatives.
Anonymous says
I always forget how crazy fall is. We have no school on Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashanah (2 days), Indigenous Peoples’/Italian Heritage Day, Election Day (that one is a PD day for teachers), Veteran’s Day, plus a half day for parent teacher conferences.
Anon says
Our schools don’t do early release except in emergencies, and there are camps for the planned days off. I’m not really sure why, because I live in a small city in a red state and our area leans very traditional with most families having a working dad and SAHM, but for whatever reason this aspect of working parenthood has not been as hard as I expected. Although next school year there’s a day off for a solar eclipse, which is really amusing to me. It’s probably a teacher workday that would have happened anyway and they just chose this date for it, but it feels like kind of a reach to be like “there’s an eclipse, kids can’t go to school!”
Anon says
my kids have 2 hours and 40 minutes of school every friday prior to a one week vacation, so they are off the week of Thanksgiving, which means this Friday they get out at 11:40. It is SO annoying.
Anonymous says
Our district does professional development as half day weds vs full days. It’s a pain but once you are in the system and have it figured out, it’s nice for the kids to have half a day home to play.
Aftercare does field trips on the half days, some kids do bday parties then vs the busy weekends, and in our neighborhood kids just all play outside for a few hours.
So Anon says
I feel this deeply. And now that I have one in middle school and one in elementary – the oldest gets on the bus at 7:15, youngest on the bus at 8:15, oldest gets home at 10:30 and youngest is home at 11:30. Moral of the story is that it feels like I get about 30 minutes of actual worktime on those days.
Anon says
Anyone have a snorkel mask to recommend for a kid? We’re going to the Caribbean soon and although my 5 year old is not yet swimming independently, she’s comfortable putting her face in the water with goggles on so we’re hoping she can do some rudimentary “snorkeling” while being held by an adult.
Anon says
We got a full face kid snorkle mask off of Amazon. The biggest game changer was practicing at an indoor pool with no waves or wind several times before we left. She got tp Mexico and was chasing fishes everywhere even as a young 5 yo.
Anon says
BTW, our 5 yo was in a life jacket, so not held by an adult per se, but able to paddle around with an adult nearby.
Cb says
We went to Hawaii when I was a bit older and I had a boogie board with a mask embedded into it (like a viewing pane) and I could see everything under the water. It was really cool and had a much lower dunking risk than I’d imagine a snorkel to have.
anon says
Out of curiosity, how long did your kids stay attached to their lovey? My 7 year old is still pretty attached to hers. She never leaves the house with it, but still carries it around the house and sleeps with it. Just wondering when she’ll grow out of it. We live in fear of something happening to it!
Anonymous says
I am 40 and sleep with mine.
TheElms says
I thought I might be the only one!
Pogo says
I sleep with a stuffed dog my husband gave me earlyish in our dating career, which he brought back for me from France. The kid’s call it “Mommy’s doggie”.
Anon says
In my 30s and still sleep with my baby blanket. I now use it to prop my head/neck in position so I don’t wake up unable to turn my neck. It’s a blue and white crochet blanket so it looks fine enough folded at the foot of my bed.
HSAL says
41 and same.
Anon says
I still have the satin edging off of my old baby blanket.
Anon. says
I finally stopped sleeping with mine when I went to college. I still have the satin edging somewhere – the crocheted blanket was in absolute tatters.
Anon says
i honestly took mine everywhere until i was 12, when i lost it at someone’s house during a sleepover and that was the end of it.
anon says
My sister slept with her lovey literally until she got married at age 26, lol. That’s probably an extreme case, but I really wouldn’t worry about it. Nothing wrong with having a comfort object.
GCA says
My 7yo had no interest in loveys, but my 4yo inherited mine and is fairly attached to it and each of the approximately 17 other stuffies on her bed (we have a moratorium on any further stuffie gifts). When she was a tiny toddler she used to walk around the house with her arms full of stuffed animals, which was hilarious until she brought the entire entourage to our bed one night. But they don’t leave the house except for travel…
octagon says
7 yo still highly attached to it. It was a gift from my late MIL, so if something ever happens to it, both kiddo and DH will be devastated.
Pogo says
My 5yo is still very attached to his lovey. We also live in fear.
EB0220 says
Mine is still pretty attached to hers at 8. That’s why we have 4. :) They are mostly interchangeable except for 1 of them, which is a year or two newer and thus looks a bit different.
Anon says
yesterday i had what felt like a sad parenting moment. we live in Houston and took my 4.5 year old twins to a new to us playground and there was a sign on the gate with a picture of a gun with an X over it instructing people not to bring guns into the playground. my girls wanted to know what the sign said and what a gun is…
Anonymous says
Oh yeah def time to be teaching them what a gun is! Can’t teach gun safety without it and gun safety is an essential.
Anon says
well they don’t go to other people’s houses without us yet. i suppose they could see one at a park? how am i supposed to teach them what a gun is? find pictures on the internet and show it to them?
Anon says
Don’t they see toy guns and stuff? Maybe I’m a bad parent but my 4 year old has been aware of guns for quite some time…
Also even if you’re in the house, are you always in the room? Long before my kid had drop off play dates, she had play dates where the mom and I would hang out in the kitchen while the kids played in a basement playroom or something like that. Gun awareness and safety is important in that situation.
Anonymous says
Yes.
OP says
ok so apparently i’m behind and need to teach my kids about guns. suggestions for how to do this in an age appropriate way?
Anonymous says
When they ask about the sign “that’s a gun. Guns are scary things that can really hurt people. If you ever see a gun, don’t touch it and find a grownup!”
OP says
that is what I said yesterday, but I still don’t think they’d know what a gun is if they saw one on the street. should I do something further to educate them?
Anonymous says
Next time you see a cop, point out her gun (also point out how it looks different from her taser).
Pogo says
This. “It’s never OK to play with it, never touch it, tell a grownup immediately.”
Fwiw says
My four year old doesn’t know yet either, so you aren’t alone. Ugh.
Anonymous says
Idk, we taught kids that guns are tools. Not every gun is one that is used by a roving loon. Police carry them. Soldiers carry them.
We have lots of dangerous tools around our house that the kids know about and stay away from.
We don’t have guns but some people do. They are tools and not for kids. You don’t touch them and you tell a grow up if someone wants you to. Just like chainsaws and lawnmowers and nail guns and all the other dangerous stuff we have around the house.
SC says
Keep the message simple. (1) This is what a gun looks like. (2) Guns are dangerous. They are tools for some grownups but never for kids. (3) If you see a gun, don’t touch it and go find a grown-up.
We taught Kiddo when he was 4 years old, when we were having playdates and sometimes the kids would go play or watch TV in another room while the parents talked in the kitchen. He turned 5 right after Covid started, but we reminded him of these rules recently now that we’re doing playdates again.
Anonymous says
Addendum: If you see something that looks like a toy gun or that someone tells you is a toy gun, you still assume it’s real, don’t touch it, and find a grown-up.
Emma says
Advice needed re: traveling with a 3 month old. We will be visiting my grandfather over the holidays because he is not well and it might be his last chance to meet his great-granddaughter. 4 hour flight, and we will be staying in a hotel, and we will need a rental car once we’re there (not a walkable area). I have never traveled with the baby. Can I gate check the car seat + base + stroller frame? We have the Uppababy Mesa/Vista. I don’t need a seat for her, right? And for hotels, how do I handle sleep? She’s in a bassinet but naps in her Pack’n Play in the living room during the day. Any hotels have a pack’n play option? Do I need to bring that too?
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m not sure about the rest of the travel, but most of the hotels that we’ve stayed at have provided either a small crib or pack n play for babies/young toddlers, so you shouldn’t need to travel with that. You can call ahead to confirm.
Anon says
yes you can gate check all of those things, which is what i would recommend. just make sure you have a travel bag for them. You do not need a seat for her. Most hotels have cribs so I would call the hotel and tell them you will be traveling with a baby and ask what they have for babies to sleep in
anon says
If you purchase an airplane seat (or get lucky enough to get a free seat) for the baby, then you can put the car seat base in your bag and just gate check the stroller. This will avoid the risk of damaging your good carseat. Otherwise, you can gate check the bucket seat, but risk damage.
If you don’t want to gate check your good seat, you can get a Cosco seat for cheap for the trip so you won’t have to worry about damage to your good seat.
Ashley says
I would not take the car seat base. The Mesa can be buckled directly into a car without a base. Not as convenient on a day to day basis but this is what we do on trips to avoid lugging around more stuff.
Ashley says
Also FWIW I would buy the baby a seat on the plane if cost is not a huge factor. It’s so much easier to just have a place to put the baby (in the car seat) so adults can snack, take a bathroom break, etc.
Pogo says
Agree, we never travelled with the base. At 3mo, I do think wearing baby in a wrap or Ergo will be fine, but if you are able to get seated next to an empty seat, you can bring the car seat on the plane and this frees up your hands. I have always had good luck asking the gate attendant nicely about reseating – tho I have status and last two times I flew w/ a lap infant, I gave up my upgrade to be back in coach so I think that helped too.
I personally am fine w/ hotel PnP’s. Call ahead to confirm what they have.
TheElms says
When we travel with the Mesa we do not bring the base. Learn to do the seat belt install and once you have it down its very easy – I can do it in about 30 seconds now in a variety of cars. If you are travelling outside the US you’ll need a locking clip for the seatbelt but in the US, seatbelts lock.
Anon says
Hotels have pack n plays but they tend to be gross. We brought our own most of the time. We usually managed one checked suitcase with the PNP and all our clothes.
You don’t need an airplane seat for the baby but if you could afford one I would highly recommend it. In addition to being safer, it will be much easier on you. At that age most kids will nap well in their bucket seat.
Yes you can gate check the stroller and car seat if you’re not using it on the plane, and it’s free.
anon says
I’d invest in an Uppababy Minu travel stroller now and bring that with you instead of the Vista. We brought the Vista on our first trip and it is way too heavy to travel with. With adapters, the Mesa will plug into the Minu and you can use that for travel. (You will need a travel stroller. We put off the purchase for too long because it seemed stupid, but it really isn’t!) Definitely don’t bring the Mesa base. You also don’t need to buy a seat on the plane, but you can always ask if there is any extra seat and they may let you have it and you can put the Mesa in that seat then. If there isn’t a seat, then you should just bring your soft carrier and a backpack on the plane. Many hotels have Pack n Plays, but yeah, they don’t tend to be the cleanest. You should bring your own sheet or invest in a travel crib. We like the guava lotus. We also like the Slumber pod tent in hotels. You can also check out the travel tips on Extra Petite for flying with a newborn. I think she had some good tips. Good luck!
Anon. says
Yes, gate check or just regular check the stroller and car seat – it’s free either way. My preference for that age was baby wearing in the airport.
Nearly all hotels have some kind of crib option. Bring your own pnp sheet. Depending on room size/layout, we often had baby sleep in the bathroom as it was darker and allowed us to stay up watching TV etc.
Marshmallow says
We traveled at two months old with the same stroller/ car seat and it worked out great. Yes, you can gate check and at that age we found it helpful to bring the stroller to the gate. Make sure you get the Vista travel bag and register it! An airline snapped the frame on our stroller seat, but we were using the Vista bag, and they immediately shipped us a new one with minimal fuss.
Agree on buying a seat on the plane for baby if you can– it’s so much easier to be able to put them in the car seat on the plane. Remember to keep baby tightly strapped in the car seat on the airplane for breathing and sleep safety, and take them out at least every couple of hours to stretch (that second part is unlikely to be a problem– our kid never napped longer than that even under the best circumstances!). I also suggest a baby wrap or soft-structured carrier for the airport. My baby loved to be worn and the wrap came in so handy during an airplane delay when she just wanted to be held.
Do not bring the Mesa base, you can strap it right in to the car. We brought the Vista bassinet attachment and she slept/napped right in the bassinet, plus at that age it’s still a useful stroller attachment. Most hotels will give you a Pack N Play or similar. I haven’t used them often but have never found them to be gross. They do sometimes just fold a regular sheet in there instead of a crib sheet, so you might want to bring your own Pack N Play sheet so you can be assured it fits correctly and doesn’t have any extra fabric.
Look up MamaVa pods or nursing rooms in the airports you’ll be traveling through. Whether nursing or bottle-feeding, they can be a lifesaver. Don’t pack bulky bottle warmers or ice packs– any airport coffee shop, or the flight attendants, will happily give you hot water or ice. Do bring some extra zip sandwich bags to make impromptu ice packs with said coffee shop ice. If you’ll need to warm a bottle, a thermos might be handy for hot water, but I usually just got a half-full coffee cup and dunked the bottle right in there.
Anonymous says
In that situation we gate checked the bucket seat and used it without the base. Many hotels have pack n plays, but we didn’t have one available and the 3 month old, non-mobile baby slept on the floor (of the bathroom… don’t laugh, it was his best night of sleep up to then).
Alanna of Trebond says
The Uppa Baby needs to be dismantled to go through security, BTW. Not like smaller strollers like the yoyo.
Airport pumping says
DC area moms, any intel on pumping rooms at either DCA or BWI? Which would you rather?
Lil says
DCA has several in the recently renovated concourse area and I thought they were quite nice( between B&C).
anon says
BWI has the Mamava pumping pods. I don’t know how often there’s a wait for them, though.
Sarah says
Does anyone have a recommendation for a romance book in which the female lead has a postpartum body? I’m finding that my (3 years…) postpartum body is making me feel less-than or that I’m out of the game and think maybe reading a book about someone overcoming that insecurity would help.
Also interested in any personal experiences about romantic relationships in a postpartum body!
Anon for this says
If you haven’t yet read the book “Come as You Are” I found it very good for inspiring myself postpartum. I will also say that while I was very hesitant to “garden” postpartum due to my body changes, my partner was just very excited to get back into it.
Things may end up feeling different. Definitely talk to your OBGYN if you have dryness issues and are nursing – I used a cream for awhile my first postpartum and it helped a lot. Also a good lubricant is your friend. Additionally, I paid for out of pocket pelvic floor therapy and that did help me as well.
Anon says
+1 to come as you are.
For fat (but not postpartum) romantic leads, I liked one to watch and the author Olivia Dade.
romance reader says
If you have a reddit account, i recommend searching this on the RomanceBooks sub! Or making your own post. There are definitely books out there for you and that community can show you where to find them.
Kids Messenger says
For those of you with older kids, do your kids use facebook messenger (the kids version) to message with classmates outside of school hours? and what age did that start? DD is in 2nd grade and at least five of her friends are on the kids messenger and have chats going. I know I’m not ready for that now, but wondering when I need to be.
Sidenote: mom I was talking to had given her daughter her old phone to use. It’s “only connected to the internet.” I feel like that’s the last thing I’m going to get DD? DD is smart and suggested that maybe I let her have messenger but she could set one time a week to check it and reply to friends. I told her that would be a great policy… in a few years.
Mary Moo Cow says
My oldest is in 2nd grade and I’m a hard nope on messenger. Thankfully it hasn’t come up for us; no one in her class (that I know of) has it and at a birthday party over the summer, there was major judgement against the parent of the one child who brought a cell phone. Many parents in our school have agreed to the “wait until 8th pledge” and phones aren’t allowed in school, period. So my poor kid might not have even kids messenger until she’s in 8th grade (and by then it will be lame.)
Anonymous says
Oh, wow. Our school district is the opposite. Beginning in sixth grade they are required to use apps on a cell phone or tablet.
Anon says
Well a tablet is different than phone? I think a kid could have an iPad for school with only school apps, but still not have a cell phone.
Mary Moo Cow says
Yes, they have iPads and chrome books, but they live in the classroom and are only used during technology class or a specific classroom activity. I meant personal cell phones, which are not allowed.
anon says
These requirements baffle me. Is there any research supporting the idea that “educational apps” and requiring screen time is beneficial in any way? All the research I’ve seen indicates the opposite. Yet schools seem to love them. Are they just being lazy or is there actual empirical research to support their use?
Anonymous says
In the case of our school they are mostly just being lazy. For example, the foreign language teachers have the kids play on Duolingo during class time.
Vicky Austin says
I suspect it’s because technology is heavily subsidized by federal and state governments in the wake of COVID-related learning loss and as an effort to be modern and connected. I’m an auditor and our main clientele is local school districts, who are receiving unbelievable amounts of money for Chromebooks and the like. Some of these are chronically underfunded rural districts who are finally getting any money at all; I’m not surprised they readily spend it after decades of tattered textbooks.
But I too have seen zero research that it is beneficial for kids. I’d be interested to read further.
Anonymous says
Yes. My oldest is 9 and she started when she was 6 during COVID.
I can see all of her chats in my own version of messenger. I approve all her friends. She mostly plays the games with friends, including chess m. They sometimes plan playdates.
I’m not sure what you don’t like about it- if it’s just the chatting/social media aspect or a security thing. When she started she used the amazon fire tablet. Now she uses an old “internet only” phone that is linked to my phone (when it rings, mine rings). It has a password she doesn’t know. She checks it out and can use it for a set amount of time.
I like the chat function of Roblox way less since I can’t monitor it.
OP says
I think what bugs me is that I spend a good portion of my day fielding texts from friends. And I feel like that’s going to be her life for years. I kind of like that right now she’s not connected to her friends after school? I’m not worried about security, I do think that for this social media generation I’d like to delay it as much as possible. She also has two younger siblings at home so that colors my response
Anonymous says
I posted above- I think it’s fine to say no. She’s not missing anything.
It’s also fine to say yes and set boundaries. My kid has some friends that are on alllll the time (I can see how often they message her). One isn’t. Maybe 15 minutes/day (or a total of 2 hours/week). I like being able to say “talk to BFF about a playdate and let me know what works” and let my 9 y/o sort it out via messenger.
It’s also HILARIOUS to read the texts. It’s one of my greatest joys. FWIW my daughter knows I read them and doesn’t care. They are texting cat jokes, stickers, and axolotl facts, not state secrets at this age.
I’m hoping it teaches responsible usage. And also, I don’t hate that she plays chess online with classmates :)
Anonymous says
By “only connected to the internet,” she probably just means that it has no cell service. This is a very common way to give a kid a device without having to buy one. Internet access does not necessarily mean unfettered access to the WWW.
Anon says
That’s how I interpreted it too, and I think that’s a normal first step as far as kids and phones go.
EP-er says
We let my daughter start using Messenger in 2nd grade, but that was only because of the pandemic and there were no good ways to socialize with friends! I will say that as a parent, I don’t mind it too much. You approve friend requests and a get a summary of who they talked with. There are silly stickers and games to play with friends. We let that one self regulate (see pandemic) and it hasn’t been an issue at all. In fact, two/three years later, she hardly ever uses it.
Anonymous says
Yes- oldest uses messenger. Younger kids use FB messages so I can approve who they talk. They even on stormy days then even video call the kids next door to ask if they want to come out and play. Very handy for Canadian winters where you don’t want to spend 15 minutes getting on your snowsuit only to find the kids next door are not home. They started with FB messenger in grade 2.
Anonymous says
Kids aren’t here yet so no current advice, but speaking a bit from experience.
I grew up when AIM was huge. My parents were super against it and they were among the only ones. They were also behind the game on cell phones (summer between 6th and 7th grade – so 2006), texting (didn’t have it til 2009 and in high school ), and smart phones (2013 when I was already in college). It definitely “othered” me.
The only thing I was not super late adopting was Facebook which I also got in high school in either 2008 or 2009. I was probably only 6 or so months behind most people getting an account and only got it then because I made an account without permission. I never had MySpace and didn’t get other apps or social media until I got that smartphone in college.
My parents were oddly strict about other things too – I didn’t listen to current pop music at home til I was in middle school, I wasn’t allowed to watch PG-13 movies until I turned 13 or R rated movies until I was actually 17. I was also young for my grade (August birthday).
There’s a lot of content I don’t want my kids consuming but I also can’t fight a one-family culture war and don’t want my kids totally left out or othered because they’re the only ones who can’t chat with friends after school or don’t get a reference from a currently popular song. I don’t know how to strike a balance. I definitely tend to be a bit strict about many things, but dont know how to approach pop culture, technology, and the like without being a Luddite. On the flip side, over my dead body is my child having access to TikTok or anything like that because “everyone else is allowed to”.
Anonymous says
No and I don’t use FB products but have been thinking of doing something like this for my second grader who just switched schools and misses her friends. But part of the reason I haven’t is because it would need to be so locked down. Recently at a play date the kids got a hold of an unlocked iPad and googled “n*ked b*tts”.
Leatty says
PSA – Hanna Andersson is having a 50% off sales for pjs.
If you’re like me and placed an order late last night, you won’t be able to get a price adjustment or cancel your order. Instead, you’ll have to place a new order and return the package you receive. So rather than adjust my order by $40, HA will lose an additional $14 on shipping. Ugh.
Anonymous says
Thanks for posting! Just bought ahead for our matching family pjs.
other tech question says
Same parent, different question (I’m seriously questioning my relationship to technology or how I parent around it after a weekend away with a couple families). Our kids are in 2nd and 1st. We were traveling to a farm for 48 hours where the kids would be bunking together and every other kid had brought an ipad. My kids don’t actually have ipads – just kindles – although they can sometimes use mine. Am I way out of touch here? It was kind of a bummer for me, but it also made parts of the evening easier, so I get it. But when do individual ipads become a thing? And when do they get brought on vacations like this?
anon says
While iPads are the norm, we haven’t gone down this road of having individual devices for our kids, who are 8 and 12. They get plenty of screen time, trust me, so I’m not a total purist. They have access to a Kindle Fire on vacations and long road trips. TBH, this is partly a selfish decision on our part to not want yet another tech thing to monitor and control. Screen time (TV) is hard enough.
anon says
I also should mention that our school district starts Chromebook usage REALLY early, which I already don’t love. They have zero issues with picking up technology and using it, which seems to be a common argument for allowing ipads and such.
AwayEmily says
Yup, this is our take, too. We don’t have any. Also, I don’t like the way my kids behave when they use individual devices. We don’t even let them play with our phones any more, largely because it seemed to turn their whining WAY up.
That being said, I have friends with kids who clearly have healthy relationships with devices and use them for all sorts of cool stuff, so I think it really varies by kid/family. And like anon at 10:39, our kids get lots of TV screen time — just not devices.
OP says
Yeah, we aren’t anti-screen time (we love movie night – we watch TV when on road trips or kids are sick or its a saturday morning or whatever) – the individual Ipads was what really threw me. There were four girls sharing a room and they were all sitting on different bunks with their own ipads.
Also, honestly, ipads are expensive. I don’t trust my kids not to break them! I really don’t want to add that to the things I have to worry about.
Seafinch says
Exactly this. We have Kindles for our annual 16 hour summer road trip. They don’t get them any other time (9,6.5, and 3). The 13 year old got a Kindle for her tenth birthday which is heavily restricted (and she finds lame anyway). She occasionally gets access as a treat to my old Pixel without a SIM card. She is like a junkie with devices. It’s awful and her father and I disagree about how to manage it. He wants total prohibition and I lean to intermittent access to help her learn responsible use but I waffle and struggle.
Anon says
My kid is on the lowish end of screen time overall I think, but we got her own tablet when she was almost 3, and have used it when traveling ever since. It makes life easier on all of us for her to have her own device and not be sharing ours. We got a kids Fire over iPad because it seemed less breakable. But I don’t see an iPad as being any worse.
That said, on a vacation with friends we encourage her to play with the friends, and any screen time (except in transit) is usually done as a group and not individual. Eg the kids might all watch a movie together, but we wouldn’t break out the tablet except for the plane ride there and back.
NYCer says
+1. My kids both got their own iPads around age 2.5 when they started being able to watch shows when traveling. Both my family and my husband’s family are long plane rides away, and iPads are life savers for us on the plane.
Anon says
There was an article in the Atlantic a while ago by Arthur C. Brooks about how you’ll get the most benefits (mental and physical) from an active, adventurous vacation. He makes the point that lounging around with a book or screens can be nice, but that for true restoration of body and spirit, active vacations are the ticket (you can save books and screens and naps for other times). I take that to heart these days. Screens can be used in moderation in life, but on vacation, they are not going to be the main entertainment for my kids, especially if we’re somewhere that offers unique opportunities that we can’t get at home (like snow/sledding/beach).
Anon says
That guy sounds insufferable. We travel a lot and although we limit screen time except in transit, it makes vacation a lot more relaxing for all of us to have some limited screen time in the mid-afternoon and/or early evening. Trying to have a screen-free vacation would be a recipe for stress and unhappiness for all of us.
And I know books aren’t the same as screens, but literally the most relaxing and restorative vacation I’ve ever been on in my entire life was a small ship Caribbean cruise where I read >1 book per day. Different people recharge their batteries in different ways. I enjoy hiking and swimming and do some of each on most of my vacations, but they simply don’t recharge me the way reading a book with a beautiful view in the background does.
Anon says
If it doesn’t work for you, you don’t have to follow his advice, but it doesn’t make him “insufferable.” His tips can be really great for the many, many people who complain about vacation not being relaxing. Personally, I grew up vacationing with extended family members who loved to sit around and do nothing day after day. I loved them and couldn’t understand why I left vacations with them feeling dull and lazy and restless. It wasn’t until I started putting in the effort to design active vacations that I got the best of both worlds – the family time AND the restoration I needed from my job. Brooks’ advice was basically tailormade for me, although I saw it years too late…
Anon says
It’s insufferable to tell people there’s one right way to vacation. Human beings are different and we have different interests and needs. I’m not telling anyone they have to be reading on vacation. If you don’t like reading and enjoy being super active, great! You do you. But (at least the way you described it) he’s telling people that a vacation must be very active to be restorative. I strongly disagree and find it insufferable to try to tell someone else what relaxes them.
anon says
I don’t get this. Can’t you have both? I really enjoy an active vacation and then settling down in the evening with a book. And what in the world is wrong with a nap during vacation, especially if you’re already worn down and burned out?
Anon says
Lol, he doesn’t say you can’t read a book in the evening or take a nap if you’re exhausted – the article is more an argument against spending the ENTIRE vacation “doing nothing” on the beach. We all know people who book an all-inclusive and say “my goal is to do nothing for six days!” Brooks argues that that will bring fewer benefits than a vacation with more activity and with more adventurous components (like snorkeling, sailing, etc.)
Anon says
Well you described it badly then.
“He makes the point that lounging around with a book or screens can be nice, but that for true restoration of body and spirit, active vacations are the ticket (you can save books and screens and naps for other times)”
… that is literally saying don’t read or nap or watch a screen if you want “true restoration of body and spirit.”
Anon says
I think you’re trying to be obtuse and defensive rather than to understand that the author obviously wasn’t literally saying never nap. You don’t have to follow his advice! No one is forcing you to! You can nap ALL day if you want to.
Anon says
I’m not trying to be obtuse. The article as you described it sounded extremely self-centered and condescending, like his way of vacationing is the only right way. I haven’t read the full article. Perhaps you described it poorly.
Personally I think it’s weird to say that lying on a beach at an all-inclusive for a week isn’t relaxing. It’s not my favorite kind of vacation, but it’s definitely the most relaxing trip you can take with young kids, and I know many people who pretty much only do that. I don’t think they’re lesser than me because they don’t want to do active vacations. It just seems weird to be so invested in the “right” way to vacation. 🤷🏻♀️
Anon says
Nothing. Nothing is wrong with a nap on vacation.
Anon says
We bring tablets on vacation for transit time only. Airports and car rides mostly. The kids will read some of the time or do other activities, but tablets are great for filling those really long flights and travel days.
I wouldn’t let my kids on their tablet at a house where cousins or friends are available to play. Nope. (Except I have let a kid watch something when she’s left out because she’s much older or younger than the group and eventually gets frustrated with the social dynamic.)
Anon says
+1. When cousins are there, it’s time for board games or hide and seek or hours at a time at the lake. Screen time can happen in the car or back at home.
Anon says
+1. If there are cousins or friends there isn’t any tablet time (but I’m okay with them watching TV or a movie as a group)
GCA says
I wonder if you just have a bit of a mismatch on tech values / expectations with the other families? My kids do have their own devices (kindle tablets – we have no actual tv screen, when we watch movies as a family we do it on DH’s large work monitor) but we limit usage to less than an hour a day. Most of the time when we travel as a family or with close family friends the point is to spend time with them, so we bring books, card/ board games, and/ or set up a family movie night on the AirBnB tv screen or something like that. If the kids have been playing together all day and are at each other’s throats (it happens!) I have the tablet as a backup, but it’s not a default.
OP says
I think we do have a mismatch – but these are the parents we’re closest to in the grade so it really threw me! Also interestingly it was all ipads. Our kids have the kindle tablets and those are truly different I think – they can do a lot less on them.
The kids WERE really well behaved while individually chilling with their individual ipads…
Anon says
Close friends and good travel companions are not at all synonymous. I hate traveling with my best friend, and I’ve had great trips with people I’m nowhere near as close to emotionally.
Anonymous says
Yeah I think your whole posts amounts to you just don’t like their method. Which is fine! I wouldn’t vacation again with a family that used screens like this.
Anonymous says
I responded to you above. My kids are 4-9 and do not have their own anything. We have a fire tablet and an old internet only phone. They share them and the devices live in my bedroom and are password protected, so they can use them only when they ask/I unlock them.
Mary Moo Cow says
My 2nd and K-er do not have tablets and I don’t plan to get them their own tablets anytime soon. If we take a road trip, we set up the DVD player in the car but also play car games and listen to audiobooks. At our destination, the ipad only comes out to facetime or play music and we save screen time for TV, usually a movie in the afternoon so we’re out of the blazing sun or in case of rain. We also bring card games, toys, and plenty of books so there is stuff to do that isn’t TV or tablet. My sister’s kids, around the same ages, have had their own ipads for years and use them on every road trip, but not so much on vacation. I wouldn’t say you are out of touch or that you need to reexamine your parenting with technology values, but just that different families have different rules and if you don’t want to adopt them, you don’t have to.
So Anon says
The pandemic changed things for my family on this front. It quickly became a true need for each child to have their own device that they could operate without my intervention. Even last year, when they were in 3rd and 5th grades, we had a week of remote learning where everyone had to have their own device. Now, my kids bring their devices on vacations because they can zone out for a flight or drive and I can blissfully read my own book (or drive the car).
Anon says
Yep! Mine is younger and doesn’t need a device for school, but being able to read a book on the plane while she watches tv on her own device is so great. It was a major game-changing moment in parenthood for me when that happened.
Anonymous says
Is it the fact that kids had individual iPads or that they were using them in a self-directed fashion? We have two (2nd and preK) and caved for travel this summer and bought two kindle fires , but keep them and dole them out for approved shows at approved times, which is usually 20 min from 5:40-6 pm but not j vacation with friends sometimes included while the adults were cooking fancy dinner together. They can’t access them whenever they want.
OP says
Uh maybe both because they were using them for a lot more than watching preapproved shows. Whereas kindle all my daughter really does is watch her favorite shows, they were surfing youtube, playing games, etc. and glued to the ipads all weekend.
This was also more like… hours of Ipad, not short times. A few times.
Anonymous says
Individual ipads can make vacation much more relaxing for both parents and kids. I don’t see any issue with letting the kids have some individual downtime, especially if they are bunking four to a room. My kid and I both find it exhausting to be around other people all day and need some solo decompression in the evening. Screentime for the kids also means that the adults can sit back and have adult conversations. I don’t allow screentime on vacation during the day or during group activities, though.
anon says
This is kind of where I fall, too. Usually on family vacations the shared ipad only comes out for plane flights or drives over 4 hours. But I also keep it in reserve for when the kids are exhausted from not getting as much sleep at home, lots of stimulation, etc. and just need 30 minutes of downtime before dinner.
SC says
My 2nd grader has his own tablet. We bought it for him for his 7th birthday, but he was hogging my iPad before that. He uses it at home, mostly on the weekends. I prefer it to him using my phone or laptop. (The iPad has since died.) Kiddo uses the tablet for a few games and a color-by-number app. He’s not interested in TV or movies. When he’s sick, which is a lot lately, he watches a YouTube streamer play a specific video game–DH screened the channel first.
We take his tablet on trips for long car or plane rides, but once we arrive, we usually have stricter rules around it than at home. The exact rules depend on the trip and who we’re traveling with. On some trips, especially with family or friends, we say no tablet so he can enjoy the trip and the people we’re with–we did that during a week at Disney World and also on a recent 48-hour cabin-camping trip. (Never mind that the no-tablet rule was not enforced once he got sick during the camping trip.) On a trip to the beach, we let him play on the tablet only at the end of the day while the adults made dinner. And on a trip to Chicago, we spent most of our time seeing the sites but let him have the tablet during the little bit of downtime we had, when it was just the 3 of us and there wasn’t much to do (in hotel rooms, with only a few small toys packed).
Anonymous says
I am a little confused. Your kids also have individual tablets. Are you just envious that the other family was willing to pay the extra $$$ for ipads instead of Kindles?
Anon says
Yeah I feel like trying to draw a distinction between iPads and Fires is really just to make yourself feel better. A tablet is a tablet. Of course any tablet can be used to excess, and maybe the usage of it was a bigger issue than the fact that they had it.
octagon says
We had a similar experience with close friends this summer. Our philosophy on tablets is that they come out for travel or on sick days, or for limited use educational apps. Kiddo is 7 and uses an ipad in school, so it’s not like he doesn’t ever get to use it. But if there is literally anything else to do, the ipad stays off.
Our friends handed their kids ipads whenever they asked for them, the kids were totally uninterested in playing outside. They wanted to be in their own worlds with their ipads and headphones. My kid wanted to look for bugs and get dirty and … he did it by himself. At bedtime the other kids watched shows on their ipads until they went to sleep, which was bright in the shared bedroom. I get it, different families do things differently, but it was a bummer of a vacation when I thought the kids would really create some shared memories. We won’t travel with that family again.
FWIW, the FB group Parenting in a Tech World is really helpful for navigating different tech uses.
Anon says
Any recs for Uniqlo heattech dupes for toddlers? I am looking for thin legging like bottoms he can wear under his normal pants during the winter.
I really like Uniqlo’s because they are thin, don’t add a lot of bulk, and easy to layer, but cost $12.90 each and looking for something a bit cheaper (adds up when you buy multiple…).
Anonymous says
I don’t have a specific product suggestion, but we typically have the kids layer their pajama pants under their pants in the winter- smooth, close fitting, and bonus they fuss less about getting dressed because they don’t have to get cold changing out of pjs.
OP says
This is brilliant. Thanks for the idea!
Anon says
Land’s End has base layers in toddler sizes
AwayEmily says
My 4yo got RSV two weeks ago and is now otherwise fine but still has a sporadic cough, and sometimes pretty bad coughing fits (usually at least once a night and a few times during the day, especially when he goes into the cold). The pediatrician took a listen and said it’s nothing to worry about and will go away eventually, but I’m wondering whether your any of your kids had this and if so, (1) how long it lasted and (2) if there was anything that helped alleviate it in the meantime. We’ve been giving him spoonfuls of honey. I feel so bad for him — it’s obviously uncomfortable and affecting both his sleep and play.
Anon says
Not my kid, but my husband had RSV four weeks ago and is only just now recovering from the cough. I know it stinks but two weeks is really not that long in the post-viral cough world.
A humidifier at night might help.
startup lawyer says
Yes, my 3 yo had RSV about 4 weeks ago (onset of symptoms). Recovered about a week and a half ago and he still has a cough. For night, I elevated his crib mattress and gave him a bigger pillow and that helps.
Anonymous says
My 2-yo and I both coughed for about 3 weeks after RSV. Our initial symptoms weren’t bad, but we got awful ear/sinus infections after the initial RSV symptoms resolved, and this is gross, but it took a LONG time to clear all that out.
Ashley says
My 4yo is ~4 weeks in to the post-RSV cough, and although it has gotten some better, it’s still hanging around. I am ready to be done!!
anon says
Yeah, this is common, unfortunately. Second what everyone else said, but I wanted to rec something we just found last month that actually seems to work. I got children’s OTC “cough syrup” from Wellements in a fit of desperation, and maybe it’s just wishful thinking, but it did seem to help more than plain honey, even though honey is the main ingredient in it. They have a night time formula, which did not seem to get my 3 yo to sleep any faster than the daytime formula, fwiw, but both seemed to damp down the coughing at least for a bit.
Anonymous says
Caveat that this is from when I was growing up, but I used to get a lingering cough after every single illness that would not go away for 4-6 weeks. It was brutal and like your son’s was bad enough that it interfered with sleep, being active, etc.
When I was in my early 20s I saw a new PCP and she gave me an albuterol inhaler and it was life changing. I start using the inhaler when a respiratory illness onsets and I haven’t had a lingering cough like that in 15 years. She basically told me the lingering cough was an unusual presentation of asthma (which runs in my family). Your son might not be old enough for an inhaler but potentially a nebulizer may help. So that’s my two cents!
Anon says
Yes I had childhood asthma and a long cough after every respiratory illness was how it was diagnosed. I actually thought it was a fairly common presentation of asthma, not am unusual one. That said, it’s normal to have this happen occasionally, particularly after RSV which is always fairly serious and was much worse than normal this year. Just keep an eye on it and raise it with the doctor if it keeps happening.
AwayEmily says
Interesting! When my husband took him to the pediatrician, they had him use use an albuterol inhaler while there to see if it helped (it didn’t). I wonder if they are being more proactive nowadays.
AwayEmily says
This is all so reassuring for putting his cough in context and giving me some ideas to deal with it while we wait it out. Thanks, all — I feel a lot better.
Isabella says
LB still isn’t fully recovered from RSV, but his pediatrician told me the cough would be the last symptom to clear up and might linger 4 weeks after everything else, ie, 6 weeks from onset (for us).
If there’s any wheezing or rattling, it’s s more likely worth checking for asthma or a secondary bacterial infection.
Vicky Austin says
My dad’s trick for this was wearing a gaiter/buff/scarf over your nose when out and still recovering, so you breathe warm air and don’t irritate the throat so much – but I seem to remember you live in the Northeast so you’re probably already doing all of that!
AwayEmily says
Yes! The 4yo actually had the brilliant idea to wear one of his old cloth masks when he goes outside.
Anon says
My 3 year old mostly has coughing fits at night. He gets them with most respiratory illnesses. We had RSV last week and it was brutal with the constant wake-ups. We give him an inhaler as needed.
anon says
Knowing that we have a long winter ahead, I’d like to get my older kids a (joint?) gift of an active toy that can be used indoors. Kids are in late elementary and middle school, which is a bit trickier. We already have a gymnastics mat that gets used quite a bit. We have a decent-sized playroom to store said item. As a kid, I loved over-the-door basketball hoops, but my kids aren’t super into basketball. Any brilliant ideas for things that would appeal to older kids?
Anonymous says
Rock climbing wall and crash pad?
Anonymous says
I would not do this because the kids will get bored of it very quickly and then you’ll be stuck with it. Better to buy a membership to an indoor rock climbing gym where there is some variety and challenge.
Anon says
Disagree – the key is to teach your kids how to change the holds themselves (you need a special wrench) and then they can make their own endless variety. Designing routes is a very fun creative exercise. We had a climbing wall in our backyard in the early 90s (we made it ourselves) and we never got bored.
Anon says
What about the game The Floor Is Lava? We don’t have the actual game, but my kids pretend this all the time.
Anon says
Her kids are a bit old for that I think. It’s more of a preschool/early elementary thing.
Anonymous says
I know this is insane but we are seriously discussing putting a climbing wall in our formal living room. Our biggest reservations is the crash pads would take up a lot of floor space.
Anon says
my friend in MN has some kind of gymnastics bar for her kids which they love. on the instagram kids eat in color that her kids seem to love
Anonymous says
Those gymnastics bars are not safe for kids over about age 4 or 5. They are very tippy.
Mary Moo Cow says
My sister is installing a climbing wall and ropes in her playroom for her elementary kids. I think it will be amazing and I’m already bracing for the complaints or comparisons. If I had the space, I would do something like that.
Anonymous says
Am I the only person who doesn’t like to encourage active play indoors? At any age it gets them all riled up. Past early elementary, they are too big and crash into walls. I back the cars out of the garage and let them roller skate or play ball or floor hockey in there. Or bundle them up and send them outside no matter the weather.
Anonymous says
Indoor putting set?
anon says
Do you have space for a ping pong, foosball or air hockey table? I have many memories of winters spent in our basement playing ping pong, foosball was my husband’s family game.
For less space, something like a DDR mat, rockband, or even an oculus or other VR headset – there are a handful of golf and music games that get you moving.
Anon says
My kids are early elementary, but we get daily use out of our doorway mounted equipment. We have two bars and a swing, trapeze, and rope ladder that we trade out at various points.
Anon says
Do you have space for one of those aerial silks that hang from the ceiling?
NYCer says
Ping pong table?
Anonymous says
Air hockey or foose ball table
Anon says
My kids are late elementary and middle school, and we’re getting them a combo of a fooz ball table (not enough room for ping pong or we would have gotten that) and one of those doorway pull up bar things. Our basement hasn’t been used as a playroom for a while, so we’re changing it into a hangout/ workout space. Two mismatched couches and a TV, an old school garage fridge, a microwave (for pizza rolls), and now adding the fooz ball and pull up bar and yoga mats. Next year we’ll likely add a weight bench or something, maybe a large bean bag or something.
octagon says
Bowling if you have a long hallway that could work. And honestly, a video game that involves the whole body would be a decent solution here too, like some of the Wii Fit games.
Anonymous says
Your kids may be too old for this but we have a Bosu ball I use for exercise (the half-yoga-ball thing) and it gets a TON of use with early elementary kids- especially paired with a giant bean bag chair thing as a crash pad. When we have friends over the later elementary kids use it too. Requires a lot of space.
IVF says
Hello, I recently was advised to do IVF and it’s been stressing me out. I dont think we’ve been trying that long, I wasn’t expecting that type of advice. It made me feel defective while everyone else i know managed to do this just fine. At the same time it feels like ages and ages, it was boiling hot outside when we started trying and now it’s cold. We haven’t told many people about this so I feel very alone. My husband is really confused as to why I’m so stressed out about this. His brother recently had a child and my husband was upset when he asked me how I felt about them having a baby and I said I wasn’t that happy for them right now because it is painful for me. We got into a fight about it because he’s upset with me for being so sad and angry about a lot of things right now. This is true, i am sad and angry right now, as I have to face IVF and my job has been incredibly stressful and hard. I dont even know WHEN I could do it with my work schedule, I’m scared, I don’t want such an invasive procedure, I’m worried it won’t work, I am exhausted. I feel unsupported and ya, I am unhappy.
I dont really know what I’m looking for here, support/advice? I hate that every holiday event with his family will now be centered around their baby, and everyone will be so excited and happy and I am dying inside. I just want to get to January.
Anon says
lots of hugs. trying for a baby brings out lots of feelings and impacts each person in a partnership differently. why were you advised to do IVF? if you disagree with a doctor you could always get a second opinion. check the success rates of where you are doing the IVF. the cost can vary, but each office does it a bit differently. my sister switched practices and said the experience was night and day and successfully got pregnant with the new practice. idk if this is helpful anecdata, but everyone i personally know who used ivf to get pregnant (and it is A LOT of people- like most of my friends), successfully managed to get pregnant, with the exception of one person who had significant significant health issues (needed an ostomy bag, etc.), and so they ended up using a surrogate.
Anon says
I think you’d find a lot of support from an IVF community, be it in person or online. Your feelings are normal and common, but those who aren’t going through it themselves may have trouble identifying. If I were you, I’d try to find a safe space to vent/joke/commiserate.
Been there says
I’m so sorry, infertility is really awful. Fwiw, we did IVF and while I had the same initial reaction that you did, I’m so so grateful for it. It’s okay to grieve the idea of how you expected your grow your family. Take things one step at a time and get a second opinion if you want to try other options first. I also found that learning more about the actual process and hearing from people (online as I didn’t know anyone in real life) who’d be through it was enormously helpful and made it feel less overwhelming.
I also think it’s totally normal to have trouble being happy for other people’s pregnancies and babies right now. You’re in pain. Give yourself the freedom to feel however you feel.
Anonymous says
There are some relevant details missing from your post (how long you’ve been trying; what testing you had done that led to an IVF rec; your age; etc.). But I have thoughts as someone whose been through it recently.
1. With fertility stuff, you should always seek a second opinion if you aren’t comfortable with the doctor’s recommendation. I would recommend you do that as a first step.
2. Also, you should express your preferences to your doctor! If they are recommending you skip straight to IVF, there’s probably a reason for that and you should hear them out. But it doesn’t mean you have to do it – you should talk to your doctor about the pros and cons. If you prefer to try less invasive methods first, that’s almost always an option. There will likely be a trade off and I have found the trade off is usually time to pregnancy – less invasive methods may have a much lower success rate per cycle, so it could take many more cycles to have success.
3. For what it’s worth, IVF wasn’t an option for me based on my specific fertility issue. I did 11 IUIs over 15 months. Even the nurses doing my IUI were judging me for doing so many IUIs, which was brutal.
4. That period was an incredibly long and painful slog for the reasons you cite above re: your SIL. I had to postpone having kids for a few years for health reasons. Some of my friends had 3 children in the time I was dealing with health issues and then infertility! I felt incredibly angry and isolated – it was like the people I cared most about were all moving on without me and starting a happy new chapter in their lives while I was stuck in the worst chapter of my life.
5. I found that therapy really helped. Pregnancy announcements were painful but not because I wasn’t happy for them – it’s because I was sad for myself. My initial reaction was to avoid being around babies/pregnant friends, which I did for a while so please give yourself permission to skip family events / excuse yourself as needed.
6. Over time I found that spending time with my pregnant friends and their kids made me feel better. It reminded me of what I was working towards myself, and it was a real possibility I would not be able to have children at all, so I wanted to build strong relationships with the children in my life.
7. I am also in a really intense job and I was able to make it work. Most fertility doctors have appointments very early in the morning which can help minimize the disruption with work. my doctor did regular appointments between 6-8am. And then I only needed a few hours off intermittently for the IUIs. If you use Reddit, the infertility subreddit is great and there are likely other folks on it with similar jobs who can offer tips on how to schedule with your particular career.
Good luck! This is a hard season in your life and while it will not get easier you will be able to push through it.
Anonymous says
This is all really good advice. You’re not alone, OP.
anon says
Check out the podcast Be There In 5, she has a series on IVF after an ectopic. Also, I think it’s totally fair to bail on the holidays this year and take space for yourself. I’m sorry your husband is on another page about this – he should totally be your support now.
Anonymous says
This is so hard, I’m sorry. It’s totally fine to feel angry and sad. And you’re not defective!
I struggled to get pregnant for over a year the first time we started trying and had two miscarriages. The first miscarriage sent me into a deep depression, which i don’t think DH really understood until the second miscarriage. That one really affected him, I think because he allowed himself to be invested and excited. He kind of broke down one day at work and ended up sobbing in the bathroom, which he only told me about much later.
All of which is to say… I think you need to keep talking with him and being honest about how you feel. I also think it’s helpful to recognize that this is a journey, and your DH’s starting point will be different from yours. It will be really important for him to step up and help you research doctors, attend appointments, etc. I think he’ll start to better understand how you feel as it all becomes real.
Vicky Austin says
Oh, my heart just goes out to you. I’m sorry you’re sad and struggling and your husband isn’t seeing your side of it. Can you tell a friend so you have somebody to lean on about this? Can you fit therapy into your life right now?
Pogo says
Hi there, you will definitely find some good advice searching the archives from this s1te re: IVF – how to travel with IVF meds, how to work on schedules to align retrievals and transfer w/ key deadlines if at all possible, even one badass lady on here who did her retrieval under low sedation so she could be in court later that day (not recommended, but just to say, you can do it).
IVF is just hard, there is no easy way out, no shortcuts, and no way to frame it that makes it easier. I wish I hadn’t expected it to work quickly – for some reason, I thought since it was “science” it would just proceed like textbook, and surprise, it never does. It felt like every month we had to wait was an eternity. I do think the nurses try to be really upbeat and positive, and they didn’t prepare me for all the potential complications. They also weren’t super understanding about my work schedule, and I had better luck speaking directly w/ the doctor on that point.
Good luck – I wish more people talked about how hard IVF is. Michelle Obama is one of us tho!
Anonymous says
That’s not bada$$. It’s malpractice.
Huh? says
What? How can you possibly say that?
I was completely awake for my egg retrieval (my clinic at the time’s practice, which I did not like). I certainly didn’t go back to work that day, but I wasn’t sedated and I could have worked if I’d needed to.
Anonymous says
It’s the sedation. You would seriously appear in court after being sedated?
Anonymous says
If they did it under twilight, then the effects would pretty much worn off by the time she was cleared to leave.
Anonymous says
Every time anyone in my family has had “twilight,” they are a mess the rest of the day. And don’t they tell you not to drive afterwards?
Anonymous says
I would? I was sedated. And then I woke up? I had my retrieval
At 7am. I easily could have been in court a noon.
anon says
We went through IVF due to secondary infertility. Unfortunately, it was not successful for us. My #1 recommendations to you are to get counseling/therapy/etc. for yourself (I actually would avoid online boards as they really stressed me out) and that your husband needs to come to all the doctor’s appointments during the initial phases so that he hears directly about what the process involves and the success rates for you. My husband was sort of checked out until our first failed cycle and didn’t understand why I was so stressed; once he’d heard all the information directly from the doctors he had a much better grasp on how physically hard it would be for me and what the odds were, and therefore why it was so stressful. Like, does your husband understand how many doctor’s appointments are required and how hard that can be to schedule with work? Does he understand that you’ll do multiple injections daily? Mine just didn’t know that and was much more supportive once he did.
anonBoston says
I’m among the chorus of people who are also in IVF. I’m actually about to come off an 8 month break to pick it back up in January. Where are you located and are you open to connecting with live people from this s i t e ? Just an option. Having someone in your circle who understands what you’re going through is something that helped me significantly. I’m in Boston and would be happy to meet, fwiw.
My advice? Be angry. This sucks. It’s awful. It’s unfair and lots of people you’ll want to understand won’t, and that person might even be your husband at certain times. Every baby, pregnancy announcement and movie plotline involving someone getting pregnant cut deeply. Feel the feelings because they’re so raw and real.
This community has been super helpful, right down to the minutiae of treatment decisions, second guessing my RE, but also helping me navigate a should I / shouldn’t I situation with taking a promotion in the midst of IVF transfers. Lean in to whatever community you have or come to find. We’re here if you want it to be this one.
An.On. says
I’m so sorry. I didn’t have IVF, but I know your experience of trying and not succeeding and being frustrated and sad and angry, and my husband definitely did not understand what I was dealing with. He’s said stuff that makes it clear that he had a very different experience of TTC than I did, and sometimes I want to shake him for being so blase about it. I agree that you should look for a friend or confidante that you can share your feelings with.
Anonymous says
My husband is having a vasectomy in early December. How many days after do I need to give him a free pass at life, lol. Thanks!
Anon says
Mine had one on Friday morning. He slept all of Friday afternoon. He spent Saturday doing yard work (carefully) and packed and flew out for a work trip on Sunday morning. He was a bit sore and more tired than usual on Saturday, but didn’t lie around at all.
Anonymous says
24 hours max
Anonymous says
Two, if you’re generous. My husband was pretty fine afterwards.
Anon says
Maybe a day or two. When my husband had one we had two sick kids. He ended up volunteering to wrangle and sleep with the toddler like 8 hours after the surgery to no ill effect.
OP says
Thanks! He’s having his on a Friday mid-morning. He’s blocking the entire weekend, and (despite the fact he is a wonderful person), I feel like he’ll take it ;) But I like knowing what to expect.
GCA says
Mine had some rare but minor complications (hematoma) and had to slow down for a couple of weeks, unfortunately!
Anonymous says
I’d heard that it was not a hard recovery. DH was out of commission for 3 full days and it took him over two months to feel totally better- he was sore “like a giant bruise” for a over a month. He also ended up buying different, more supportive underwear after. Just FYI that if it takes longer to cut him some slack.
EDAnon says
I agree. My husband never plays up illness (opposite problem here) and he took two days to recover and then several weeks of being cautious, including longer than expected inability to lift things.
As a note, it was mentally hard for him too. Made him feel old. Sad that we weren’t having more kids (even though we didn’t want more). Sad that this stage of life was permanently over. Some men aren’t the best at talking about feelings so know some down time may be processing time.
TTC #2 says
Anything you do to cheer yourself up when you get your period while TTC? I need to mix up my sushi and wine ritual. It’s only been a few months and I have a great kiddo but…still sucks.
Vicky Austin says
How about a hard workout? Take your sushi and wine to a hot bath? I was told to avoid cookie dough ice cream because of the salmonella risk and somehow it’s all I want; how about that?
Anon says
No real advice, but commiseration.My first took longer than desired and in hindsight I am grateful for the timing and try to remind myself that I will probably feel the same way when hopefully I do eventually get pregnant with #2. Also, I allow myself to feel sad. Sounds a bit counterproductive but I acknowledge my disappointment and sadness, frustration at myself for getting my hopes up and sit with those feelings. Then I can usually feel better.
anon says
You may hardly remember this moment in a few years. Things take time. It’s okay.
An.On. says
Caffeinated beverages, hot baths, bagel with lox, thai iced tea
Anon says
Wait you can’t drink Thai iced teas when you’re pregnant?
Devices in Schools says
Specific to technology in school only, do your districts have 1:1 programs where each kid receives an iPad or Chromebook and if so, what grade does that start in? how much are your kids on them during the school year?
Our local district is 1:1 with ipads starting in kindergarten. yes, kindergarten. I despise it. it comes home daily with my 1st grader and we’ve chosen not to allow him to use it home, which works for us. he seems to use it a lot during the day and even talks about what he watches on YouTube Kids which really grinds my gears since he’s never watched YouTube other than on his school issued iPad.
HSAL says
Ours used them in K, but they didn’t start coming home until 1st (and only on rare occasions). I don’t love it but she really is learning so I won’t complain too much.
Anon says
Our county is 1:1 starting in K, but in the lower grades they seem to mostly use it for required assessments. The kids don’t bring devices home.
For my 4th grader, they use it for nearly all math tests and for some other mandatory assessments. They also have required time every day on Reflex, which is basically a dressed up version of flash cards for multiplication and division facts. I have my kid do extra Reflex at home since it’s focused enough that I consider it studying, not screen time.
If they watch videos at school (and they do regularly in both science and social studies) they are usually 2-5 minutes in length and shown on the smart board. Just enough to add to the lesson without actually being the lesson.
Anonymous says
1:1 in first. iPad in K, new this year is Chromebooks starting in 1st (previously it was 2nd). They don’t come home. We’re a little more relaxed about screens, but I have mom friends who feel the same as you – it is very valid. The positive I try to remember is that, like it or not, their lives will include a lot of technology. This is a foundation for that. (I’m not saying it is a winning argument, just a positive!)
Anon says
Is it a positive or a negative? My 75-year-old MIL learned how to use an iPad in two days. I don’t think kindergartners need to practice daily.
Anon says
Yep chrome books in K, but they live at school. I don’t love it.
Anonymous says
Our kids get them in K but it’s up to the teachers how they are used. My oldest got and used one in K, I think on Fridays, and mostly for reading Epic books.
My second hardly ever used one in K. Her teacher said it wasn’t working for the class.
Now they are in grades 1&3. The 3rd grader is on it most days for short periods. They write stories the type them up or can read books on them in spare time. They are starting to learn how to research online as well. My 1st grader uses it for RAZ kids.
Mrs. Jones says
Yes kindergarten. The chromebooks didn’t come home till maybe 4th grade though.
anon says
Yikes. My kid is still in preschool and am shuddering at the idea of iPads daily in K. It sounds like teachers and admins have gotten really lazy. Sorry not sorry
EP-er says
iPads were issued to every kid from 3-8 grades, pre-pandemic. When the pandemic hit, they distributed them to all students K-12. So far, they haven’t gone back to the old timing.
We weren’t a personal iPad family before this – we had a family one we all shared. It is working out okay outside of school — we count it like screen time, just like the TV.