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Anonymous says
Has anyone had a kid do PT for toe-walking? We just had an evaluation and go tomorrow for a first session (recommendation was 1 hour/week). Kid’s toe-walking isn’t related to anything physical. It seems to be a sensory-seeking thing that autistic kids do, so IDK if this makes it easier or harder to address? Ped was concerned that toe-walking could make her achiles tendon shorten and it also affects her gain (not to the point that she stumbles, but I’m surprised that she manages as well as she does). PT also may want her to wear a brace at night to let her legs stretch out.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Hi – I’m a toe walker and my DS #1 is, too. Not related to Autism. My parents had it evaluated (in the late 80’s-early 90’s) and there wasn’t much they could do except just…remind me to walk heel-toe. I don’t have any issues that I know of, and wearing heels has always been relatively easy for me. Caveat that I was not an athlete.
Anonymous says
Yeah there’s actually a lot more that can be done!
Anonymous says
Yes. We did 6 months of PT and are on month 8 of leg braces, with home PT exercises. Going in to get new braces next month (kid is outgrowing them). She is not autistic and has no other issues; doctor says its basically habit now, and we’re just trying to break her out of it. Insurance won’t approve more PT. Kid is in mid-elementary and I wish we had addressed the issue earlier but we were advised to wait for her to grow out of it, and then the pandemic happened. The night braces did nothing for us.
I think the most helpful thing has been standing on a wedge for 20 minutes every evening — she gets screen time so she’s happy to do it.
Anonymous says
About two weeks in a marching band that practices corps-style marching will cure it. Not even kidding. “Squash the grape!”
anon says
My friend’s 13 year old still does this so i’m glad you are taking it on. They never found a reason for it (though to me she very much reads ASD more generally so I suspect they just missed it and the parents aren’t particularly motivated to get a diagnosis which is a different story) but I worry about the long term effects for her; I saw a tiktok a few months ago with a 30 year old excoriating her parents for not better addressing it because it has caused her ongoing foot/leg/heel pain.
anon says
If you’ve used melatonin to help your kid sleep, how long did you use it for, and was there a deciding factor that helped you determine when to end use? When you ended it, did the kid go back to being difficult to get to sleep? It’s made a big difference for my kid and the idea of ending it fills me with fear! :)
Anonymous says
Why would you end it?
OP says
Because I thought you weren’t supposed to use it for more than a few weeks?
anon says
My pedi told us we were fine to to use it for months on end. It was all about dosage. Call your pedi and ask.
Anon says
I am skeptical in light of the advice my sleep neurologist has given to me as an adult patient. Is melatonin actually a lot safer or less dependency forming for kids than for adults? The dose my doc had me on as an adult was already the lowest one commercially available.
Anon says
I think this is something where reasonable doctors disagree. My neuroendo is very ok with (I would almost say enthusiastic about?) melatonin use in anyone who struggles at all with sleep. He told me long term melatonin use is safer than any other sleep aid, including even very occasional benadryl use. He’s VERY anti-benadryl and sent me all this scary info about benadryl and dementia. Any time you put any medicine or supplement in your body you’re messing with the way things “naturally” are but lack of sleep is linked to a whole host of physical and mental health problems (including also dementia) and so if you can’t sleep without a sleep aid, it’s kind of like what is the least bad option and in his opinion it’s melatonin. At his suggestion I’ve taken 1 mg nightly on and off for years. I don’t take it every night, but I probably take it more nights than not.
I also read a book about the science of sleep and he said most elderly people don’t produce enough melatonin and should be on a supplement. I know that’s different than middle aged adults and kids, both because their bodies are different and because “long term” in the elderly is a much shorter window of time. But there are definitely people out there for whom long term use is actually helpful.
Anon says
Can you step down to a lower dose and see how it goes?
When you’re ready, if she has anxiety about ending it, you could try a placebo (e.g., a tic tac) and see how she does when she thinks she’s still on melatonin.
NYCer says
I have never used Melatonin for kids, but I was going to suggest the same thing. Not sure how old your kid is OP, but could you give them another vitamin (or a tic tac like Anon suggested) and say it is Melatonin?
OP says
Kid is 3 so has no idea what it is. He thinks its just a vitamin. The anxiety is mine! Its my understanding that you aren’t supposed to use it indefinitely. Placebo doesn’t seem useful here because he doesn’t know what it is.
Anon says
Yeah, especially if your child doesn’t have an attachment to it, I would taper off (don’t go cold turkey because it will be harder on both of you). I don’t want to fear monger, but I wouldn’t want my kid on it long term. There’s no long term studies showing what impacts it has on kids who use it continuously. My ped had no problem advising we use it short term, but didn’t want my kids on it for longer than a week.
Anonymous says
If nothing else my anecdata is that it is habit forming. My daughter is 9 and one of her friends has been on it since 5/6. She can’t sleep without it. Her mom really regrets using it as a crutch for so long.
Anon says
It can be habit forming in the psychological sense, i.e. the child thinks they need it to fall asleep. It’s not habit forming in the physical sense, the way Ambien or something like that is habit forming.
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/09/06/well/mind/melatonin-dependency.html (“Melatonin is not addictive, according to sleep experts and psychologists. There is no evidence that you can become physically dependent on the supplement, and you typically won’t develop withdrawal symptoms if you stop taking it. But if you’ve become convinced that taking melatonin is crucial for sleep, experts say, you still may struggle to kick the habit.”)
Anonymous says
Yes, mentally habit forming is what I meant.
Anon says
I think of it as a “reset” for my kids, and use it to get them back on track, but do not use it continuously for the same concerns.
I used it when my kid had anxiety about not being able to fall asleep during COVID. She would get stressed about COVID, and after a few sleepless nights, started to get anxious about not being able to fall asleep. We used it continuously for a week or two, and she got over the fear of not being able to fall asleep. For my son, he gets off schedule really easily, so I’ll give it to him when he can’t settle (after vacation, daylight savings time changes, etc.).
If you want to wean them off just to see how it goes, you can start by giving half the dose, then give a multi-vitamin at bedtime for a while for a placebo effect.
Anon says
I’ve used it during travel and quit cold turkey once we got back to our home timeline. But in your situation I would taper.
Anonymous says
Sigh, we’ve been using for a few months after cutting the pacifier (pretty late at almost 4) since kiddo has had to totally relearnnhow to fall asleep. We use a tiny amount, 1/4 mg or less, but it has a huge impact. Currently in trying to reduce bit by bit but it’s hard when we are already doing less than a quarter of a pill. I ABSOLUTELY notice if we don’t give it to him though- takes 45-60 min to fall asleep vs 5-10 min.
Anon says
You might ask your ped. Mine is fine with long term use of a small dose like that. Some people don’t produce natural melatonin as well as others.
Anon says
Anyone have kids who love origami? Any recommendations for books or other origami gifts? My 9 year old nephew is super into it right now! I got him a basic origami book on Amazon for his birthday earlier this year…I was hoping to get something for Christmas too. Thanks!
EP-er says
What about a page-a-day Origami calendar? I love those, because they are the gift the keeping, but are also consumable. When I give them for gifts, I like to write extra notes on random days — like birthdays, Pi Day, whatever.
Anonymous says
My daughter likes the book “Kawaii Origami: Super Cute Origami Projects for Easy Folding Fun.” If he’s into Star Wars, there is a Star Wars origami book.
Anon says
Regular poster but going Anon because I think I need a sanity check. DS is almost 5, and in a transitional kindergarten year at a private preschool. He’ll do public Kinder next year, and has kids going to 1st grade in his class, and those that will do Kinder again like him.
We had his parent teacher conference yesterday…and basically he just wants to play all the time. He doesn’t show interest in reading, because he just wants to play with friends (at home, he loves to snuggle up with a book). He doesn’t want to do art or handwriting, because he’d rather…play with friends. When he knows the answer and isn’t called on, he gets upset.
On the flip side, when he DOES do the work he’s…great, has a great relationship with the teacher, etc. His actual nuts-and-bolts on understanding and demonstrating knowledge is good. I’m a little…disappointed that he isn’t showing more of an interest in the actual “work” part of schoolwork. Not because I’m a tiger mom but because I want him to enjoy learning vs. see it as not fun. Has anyone else had this experience? Do they grow out of it? Or is it just way too early and am I overthinking?
Anonymous says
Enjoying school is not at all the same thing as enjoying learning. Elementary school is not set up to make learning fun, especially for kids who are on the advanced end and really aren’t learning anything because they already know what’s being taught. My concern here would be that the school isn’t meeting his needs, not that he doesn’t actually enjoy learning.
Anonymous says
Is this his first year of preschool/day care? What’s the format? Worksheets?
Anon says
Nope, he’s been in some type of preschool/daycare since he was 4 months old. This is the first year in this particular school. The format varies – worksheets, activities, etc.
Anon says
This is 100% normal. 4 is way too young for formal schooling – I firmly believe our system is set up for kids to fail. They’re designed to play! They want to play! School should be play-based until ages 6-7. Don’t even get me started on the entire concept of homework in kindergarten.
Anon says
This.
Aunt Jamesina says
Yup. And many countries don’t start formal schooling or reading skills until 6+. Many kids who will go on to do well in school are not ready to start formal schooling at 5. Instead we’re trying to start it earlier than is developmentally appropriate for many and making kids dread school.
Anonymous says
With the early birthday cutoffs and redshirting, kindergarteners are now age 6.
Anon says
That’s… not true? A few are 6 at the start of the year. Most aren’t. Many turn 6 during the school year, but that’s always been normal and isn’t caused by redshirting. I was one of the youngest in my class (June birthday with an August cutoff) and still turned 6 before the school year was over. There are still a handful of kids in every class who turn 6 the summer after K.
Anonymous says
Some are but many are not. My oldest just missed the cutoff so she turned 6 a month after school started. My youngest turned 5 three weeks before school started. There is redshirting in our town to be sure but the vast majority of kids are 5 when school starts.
AwayEmily says
Maybe in some places, but when my daughter started kindergarten she had several 4-year-olds and zero six-year-olds in her class (she was a bit over five).
Anon says
This is really regional. My kid started K as a 4 yo based on our end of September cutoff. She wasn’t 6 yo until a little way into 1st grade.
I’ll add that kindergarten was extraordinarily hard for her socially and emotionally. She’s always been very far ahead academically, but really struggled with such a structured day and not having enough time for self directed play. It was an incredibly hard year. She cried nearly every day about how much she hated school.
Anonymous says
Does the teacher seem concerned? He’s not in kindergarten. I know it’s “transitional kindergarten” but….he’s still in preschool. Kindergarten is next year. Kindergarten will teach him to read and write.
I would concerned about abnormal behaviors, mood swings, issues listening to teachers, that sort of thing.
FWIW my daughter is 4, turns 5 in June, and is going to K next year. She spends all day coloring and being a kind friend at preschool. She knows letters and stuff but many other kids don’t. It’s fine! They will all be fine.
Anon says
Teacher doesn’t seem concerned and is sure he’ll continue to improve. The two things that stuck out to me are that:
1. He has a BFF and doesn’t like when BFF plays with others/doesn’t want to play what DS wants to play…I’m not too worried because I’ve seen DS play with others and he mentions other classmates a lot.
2. Often times directions have to be repeated to him – we struggle with this at home too (“eat over your plate”, “sit straight while you eat”, etc) so I think it may be an age/personality thing.
Anon says
He’s in Pre-K. Totally normal.
Anon says
This is all totally normal.
Anonymous says
I posted about my 4 y/o above. She’s my youngest. None of my children would listen to “sit straight while you eat” :).
Let the kid play. He’s got a lifetime of school ahead of him!
Anonymous says
He’s a small child? Of course?
Anonymous says
He sounds fine. My son doesn’t LOVE school because it interferes with his busy schedule of video gaming, but he understands he has to do it and isn’t upset about having to go every day. He’s never loved it, but such is life. He loves parts of it (even if they are just the social parts of it), not every second of it, which is much of how I feel about my job, being a mother, and most aspects of my life. I don’t think this is because he’s super advanced or bored, I just think it is because sitting and practicing handwriting is never going to be more fun than chatting with his friends. He does excel at math and I think he is legitimately somewhat bored there, but again, I don’t think that is the worst thing in the world.
Anon says
He’s 4 and in pre-K. The expectation for him to be doing any academic work is insane. He’s totally normal. (My girl who is 5 in a couple months is the exact same way, fwiw.)
Anon says
This sounds like mostly a maturity thing. I recall my brother being just like this. Make sure he’s getting lots of time for self directed play outside of school.
I will add that my brother did turn out to be partially resistant to some of those things (e.g., art and writing) because he was behind on fine motor skills so those activities felt hard. He eventually got some OT and caught up, but there was a barrier there.
Anon says
This is going to be very unpopular, so I’m also going anon. I think US schooling is really hard on 4 and 5 year old kids, especially boys. My son was born 1 week after our school’s Sept. 30 cut off, so he’s always been one of the oldest in his class. I’m so, so, so thankful his birthday fell when it did. He was not really ready to sit and engage with his classroom until 1st or 2nd grade, and he had a very, very active classroom in K and 1st. I think he would have absolutely struggled if he was in the grade ahead, which he would have been – but for literally being born a week after his due date.
I hear a lot that people say their younger kids are “academically ready” to start K as a 4 or 5 year old, but I think that’s true of most kids who grow up in privileged areas (which is true of most people on this board) — and many are not socially/physically ready until a little older (and sometimes it doesn’t come out until later). I will likely hold my August born son based on watching my older son mature.
Anonymous says
This is spot on. One of my daughters is the youngest in her class and she struggled early on because she just couldn’t focus/Pat attention like the other kids. It’s not ADHD, it’s being 17 months younger than the red shirted kids in your class!
FWIW if we’d held her she would have been bored. We struggled with this and went into it knowing she’d have these kids of issues.
Anon says
I don’t think that’s unpopular. I think many people here wish early elementary was more play based.
Anonymous says
This is consistent with most of the comments in the thread!
anon says
I agree with you 100%. Too much is expected from kindergarteners today. Just because they’re able to do the academic piece doesn’t mean they’re socially or emotionally ready to sit still all the time, be quiet, etc. Besides, playtime IS learning.
Aunt Jamesina says
100%.
Anon says
Ha! My very unpopular piece is that I’m going to hold a neurotypical kid who – at 5 – meets the baseline expectations for entering K until he’s 6. Honestly, he’s just not ready to sit still yet.
Anonymous says
I don’t get the problem? He’s a wee small child not even in kindergarten yet of course he’d rather play? Play is learning.
Anonymous says
This. Also, teachers often are required to or feel pressure to cite areas for improvement during parent-teacher conferences, which can lead to things that aren’t actually much of an issue being presented as problems.
Anonymous says
+1 – so much this! Especially at th ebeginning of the year
anon says
Agree. The only negative feedback I got about my 2nd grader was that she needed to share her math ideas more. LOL. What the heck does that even mean? I’m not sweating it, at all. I sort of get it, but this isn’t a literature discussion.
Anon says
Yes, our preschool teachers always give one area for improvement and it’s sometimes hilariously specific. Like I remember one time when my daughter was 2 they were like “she’s not great at using a fork, but she’s good at using a spoon and a knife.” Or they pick something that’s really common and not a problem, like a 3 year old “could be better at emotional regulation” (what 3 year old couldn’t?!)
We’ve never done anything about the “problems” and they’ve always magically resolved before the next conference.
Cb says
SKIPPING! That was our feedback, that my son needed to work on skipping and add more detail to his drawing.
Anonymous says
My 5.5 year old is squarely at the bottom of the distribution curve in his public kindergarten class. He was in Montessori half day/half day play based care until this year. Tbh I expected him to be ahead of his peers. And yet his teacher is not concerned at all. He’s making strides and we will continue to evaluate his progress. All that to say I think this is normal but I also had to let go of my preconceived notions and anxiety about it so you’re not alone.
anon says
Breaking news, young child wants to play instead of doing worksheets! This sounds totally normal and appropriate and there shouldn’t be worksheets at that age anyway. Let the kid be a kid.
Anonymous says
How do you deal with travel sticker shock in your spouse? Our daughter desperately wants to go skiing. Reliable snow requires at least half-day drive, so this means a weekend trip. The most economical and logical option is going to cost us what is objectively a sizeable chunk of change, but we can afford it and giving our daughter this experience is a very high priority for me. My husband also prioritizes experiences in theory, but he doesn’t think lift tickets “should” cost more than $50 per day, etc. etc. and is balking at the cost. He has a history of enthusiastically agreeing to vacations and then freaking out about the cost once we’re actually there and wrecking the trip. He once even had a meltdown about spending $5 for a bag of ice at a campground. All-inclusives are better because the money’s already been spent, but he still grumbles about add-ons. I don’t want to give up and just never go anywhere or do anything, but I also hate the idea of spending a ton of money on a dream trip that he will ruin with his complaining and penny-pinching. How can I get him to relax and let us enjoy a special experience as a family? Going without him is not an option.
Anonymous says
My dad used to be like this when I was growing up, and I’m not totally sure how my mom talked him out of it but he eventually got better. I think partly we did lean into things that were all-inclusive or already paid for so he didn’t have to worry about unexpected extras along the way. They also got a timeshare and he got really into playing the points game. It made him feel better to feel like he was getting a good deal or a special rate, and then he relaxed a bit more.
Anon says
Kudos to you for recognizing that special experiences are worth spending on. I’m also a skier and I have never, ever regretted the drive, hassle, and expense, not when I’m whipping down the mountain with snow falling around me and my husband whooping behind me. I love the enthusiasm your daughter is showing for this experience!
As for your husband, that part is trickier and I don’t really have any advice. I have a friend who is similar – always paranoid about the price, much more inclined to sit home on the couch for fear of spending a modest amount (and for the record, she’s comfortable financially, so it’s not a matter of truly lacking the funds). She and I have talked about experiences and what’s “worth it” and she always agrees in theory that she wants to “loosen the pursestrings,” but she struggles to execute and spends 50 of 52 weekends a year at home and then complains on Monday about feeling sluggish and lazy. Long story short, it’s really hard to figure out how to work with people who are in that mindset! Are you sure you can’t leave him at home?
Anonymous says
I can be your husband. What works for me is to set a budget for vacations. Say, $5k. Then do what you want under that budget. Money is already spent in my head.
My dad had a rule of “always spending all the vacation dollars” so my mom didn’t get stingy. I stole it.
That would mean the last few days of vacation we’re the best- water parks, ice cream, boat rides, whatever was left in the budget.
Anonymous says
I have tried setting a budget, and he still gets sticker shock over the price of restaurant meals and activities.
Anonymous says
I think you need to work through this with him in therapy then.
For me, I basically do a $0 budget for trips and pay for things in cash (or a debit card linked to the vacation account). If we set a $5k budget, we spend $5k. Whether that’s $4500 on lodging and $500 on sunscreen or $500 on lodging and $4500 on food. Money is spent.
EP-er says
Skiing is just expensive — there’s no way around that! Are you talking about just going once this winter or multiple times? Look at going at off peak times – so not New Years, MLK, President’s Day. How old is your daughter? There are discount lift tickets for 4th & 5th graders in a lot of states — ours is called Cold is Cool. Pack sandwiches for lunch…
But that doesn’t address your husband’s issue, which will still be there even if you try to reduce costs. Can you set up a savings bucket just for the trip? Then you have the money set aside & earmarked exclusively for this trip — it might be more obvious that this money is just for the trip rather than coming out of your general funds. And I think you talk to him ahead of time about the plan and the budget and once you both agree to the budget stick with it. And when you are standing in line for the chair lift and he grumbles, remind him that he is on board with this trip!
Anonymous says
Also on the east coast there’s a great deal for 4th/5th graders in New Hampshire (to ski, not residents).
https://www.skinh.com/passport
Kids under 7 ski free at most big resorts.
OP says
Exactly, skiing is just expensive! We are aiming for just one weekend trip this winter, and lift tickets are the biggest line item. I’ve figured out how to economize on lodging, meals, and equipment rentals but it is still a lot of money. I think it’s worth it.
Anonymous says
Not your question but we are skiers and If you are on the east coast I have lots of thoughts on budget skiing vs vacation accommodation skiing.
Anonymous says
We are in the mid-Atlantic. I have no issue with budget skiing for a day trip but in recent years our little semi-local ski hills have had virtually no snow. When I was single and lived in a snowier climate I had a discount season pass for weekdays and weekend evenings and I’d just pack a sandwich and go whenever I felt like it, but weather does not really allow that here.
Anonymous says
Where are you going? VT/NH/ME? Vail?
OP says
WV because we can drive there in half a day. But it is so expensive that I would be willing to drive farther to get a better experience if it were cheaper.
Anonymous says
If you share a little more detail- where you are coming from (MD? Pittsburgh? Jersey City? The mid Atlantic is pretty big!) and your daughter’s age I can share some ideas. I would probably balk at spending $$$ to ski in WV too.
Anonymous says
VA, young teen.
Anonymous says
4th and 5th graders ski free in WV
https://www.goskiwv.com/2019/10/18/passport-program/?gclid=CjwKCAiAjs2bBhACEiwALTBWZTjRcMN6Df9LpnvFeKL7VrswHqvPT2OLDCi5Q7Cu-PGd-oBrYDQsjRoCf9cQAvD_BwE
Anon says
If you happen to be talking about Snowshoe, I have a promo email in my account for $45 lift tickets to celebrate the beginning of the season. If you plan to go more regularly, buying the base Ikon pass the spring BEFORE you want to ski saves a ton. We do one big trip per year, and several snowshoe trips on the Ikon base. It works well, and last time I priced it, it cost the same to buy the Ikon base pass preseason than to pay for lift tickets for one prime weekend if purchasing in-season.
If you stay off mountain and cook at home, it works out. Same with the poster below who buys gear off seasons at the ski swaps. You just have to do most of the leg work pre-season.
OP says
And PS I would love your budget ski tips.
Anon says
Yes, same. We are a family of 5, and all of us (including our 3 year old ski). I plan trips 12 to 18 months in advance and save a ton. Still not “cheap,” it is our favorite thing to do as a family.
Anon says
How???
TheElms says
Would specifically budgeting for travel help? We have a specific pot of money in an account that is for travel. It gets added to after we’ve met our higher priority financial goals (emergency fund, paying down our mortgage, saving for retirement, saving for college for kids). We have agreed plans on how much we need to save for each of those things to reach the goal we have for each thing and so when there is extra money (usually from a bonus or a raise) it can go in the travel pot and we know we aren’t compromising the higher priorities. We also each have some individual fun money in the family budget and sometimes we contribute that to travel if its something we want to do and the travel pot is a little short.
OP says
The issue with budgeting is that he doesn’t want to spend any money until we have enough in the bank to pay for retirement + college right now, even though those things won’t happen for years. Being on track with savings is not enough for him; he wants the absolute certainty of $$$ in hand. He also freaks out when the market goes down.
Vicky Austin says
Yeah, that’s a serious anxiety response and I think intentional treatment is warranted.
anon says
This is definitely more severe than being budget-minded.
Anonymous says
That’s beyond “has trouble spending on vacation.”
anon says
This was me. Then we got a financial planner, who was more of a money therapist, and she showed me how we are really in a good spot. I was hoarding cash, literally, and so afraid to spend.
I grew up in a house that was squarely middle class but some of my earliest memories were of my parents fighting over money after we were in bed. They had three little kids and it was the early 90s, so, as an adult and parent now, I totally understand why those fights occurred but it was burned in my brain, when then fed habits.
This isn’t about skiing or experiences. This feels deeper. Maybe a therapist or good financial advisor would go a long way.
Lily says
You can’t change him but you can set boundaries. I would tell him that you are not willing to put up with his extreme and unreasonable anxiety about spending money and won’t tolerate him guilting your daughter about spending money. Do you work outside the home? How do you pool money/split expenses? What if you paid for the vacation out of “your” money?
You need to stand up for your daughter and stand firm on this one.
Anon says
I agree with this. Maybe you need a conversation that’s something like “I’ve planned this trip for our family and DD is really looking forward to it. We can comfortably afford it, including the extra costs of food and incidentals when we’re there, and it’s important to me that a vacation feels enjoyable and relaxed for all of us without discussion of cost. If that doesn’t feel doable to you, I understand, but then we need to talk about DD and me going solo. I would love for you to join us and I hope you will, but if you feel too anxious about the spending, then we’ll need a different plan.”
Anon says
Why is going without him not an option? Nothing wrong with a mother daughter trip, especially if he’s going to complain about cost and ruin the trip for everyone.
This probably isn’t the most mature solution but I’ve shut down DH’s complaints about vacation costs (which were less extreme than your husband’s, but still putting a damper on our trips) by telling him point blank “This is why I work. I’d much rather be a stay at home mom with time to pursue hobbies and volunteer work while the kids are in school. But I work and since I work we can afford these nice trips. If you refuse to let me spend money on this stuff, I’ll quit my job.” He really doesn’t want me to be a SAHM so that shut the complaints down fast. At this point we’re pretty much don’t ask, don’t tell about vacation expenses, which works for both of us.
OP says
We have had some success on recent vacations where I take our daughter to do activities while he sits in the hotel or beach house, but he actually enjoys skiing and is not going to agree to my spending a lot of money to take our daughter without him.
I relate so much to your “this is why I work.” I would love to be a SAHM, and I think that if I’m going to have to work we should get to enjoy some of that money. My husband does not agree and thinks my salary should all go into savings that we will never touch.
Vicky Austin says
My husband is like this sometimes. He’ll spend time putting together a spreadsheet of how we can optimize our financial life and save my whole salary, and then be grumpy when I don’t want to give up my weekly coffee shop treat to make it happen. And I posted here a while ago about the snit he got himself into when I said I needed maternity clothes. I don’t have a great solution, but I’m here with you in this weirdness.
anon says
I don’t fully understand why saving an entire salary is a goal. To what end? No amount of money will ever feel like enough to someone who has severe money anxiety (or is just plain cheap). You can still live well below your means, save enough, and still enjoy life a little. I’d be LIVID if my spouse grumped about the small ways I treat myself, like buying a weekly latte. Not picking on you, Vicky. I’ve seen this happen in my circle of friends, and it’s always the guy who has unreasonable expectations about how money is earned and spent.
Anonymous says
I think for a lot of people saving one salary feels like insurance against one spouse’s losing their job.
Vicky Austin says
All good, anon – I don’t fully understand it either!
Anonymous says
You two have a fundamental mismatch about what money is for and what should be done with it. Have you and your husband had any in-depth conversations with each other were you got curious (not defensive) about your different spending/saving styles, where they came from, how tied you are to them, and what’s underneath them? Do you understand where his money beliefs come from and why, even though you don’t agree with them or want to adopt them for yourself? Does he understand where your money mindsets come from and why, even though he doesn’t want them to govern how he lives?
Anon. says
I have a similar conversation with my husband whenever he starts getting focused on vacation spend. This is why I work. We can support our family, pay the mortgage on one salary – that means the other is for extras. We have followed his career across the country, through multiple moves so my career is decidedly the “other” in our case. Extras are vacation and weekend getaways and good wine. In my case it is totally empty threat because he knows I have zero desire to be a SAHM, but usually the reminder to him is enough to get him out of that headspace. I also make a habit of calling him out when he’s being aggressively frugal about vacation spending with a reminder that we are also doing all the responsible things saving for retirement, college etc. We can objectively afford to spend the money – and probably lots more.
Anonymous says
Therapy. This isn’t a budget issue or a planning issue it’s an emotional issue for him and a marriage issue for you, because his money anxiety is interfering with your life.
SC says
I think you handle it different ways depending on what stage of planning you’re in. Right now, he hasn’t agreed to go skiing because it doesn’t seem worth the cost to him. That’s a valid point of view, even if your daughter really wants to go and it’s a high priority for you. So, at this point, listen to him, talk about your priorities (he needs to listen to), and figure out if there’s a compromise available.
Once he’s agreed to a trip and a budget for that trip, he needs to STFU and not complain about costs. Budget should include incidentals, and of course when you’re a captive audience, those are going to be more expensive.
Anon says
Based on other comments he’s not being reasonable though. Telling her they can’t take a trip until retirement is fully funded when they’re decades away from retirement?! It sounds like he has financial anxiety and I don’t think catering to his anxiety is the right solution here.
Anon says
+1. It would be one thing to have a honest discussion about whether the family budget can actually afford skiing (everyone knows it is truly expensive), but clearly the anxiety runs deeper than that here. It seems that even if OP won a raffle and got a free ski trip for the whole family, her husband would probably complain about the cost of gas. That’s a real issue that needs to be addressed for the health of the family.
SC says
Yeah, I started a reply soon after the initial post, got interrupted by work, and then returned and posted before reading OP’s updates. Clearly, there need to be discussions that focus on financial anxiety and their entirely mismatched expectations on how to spend one person’s entire salary, not the price of skiing.
FVNC says
I think I’m naturally inclined to lot like your husband when it comes to vacation spending and have had to really work to get over my anxiety around spending money, especially for vacations we can objectively afford. In particular, I agree with your husband about lift tickets — they definitely *shouldn’t* cost more than $50! But they do. (And I get it; I grew up skiing in Utah at places where lift tickets were around $28…when prices eventually rose above $40 and then — gasp — $50, it seemed like SO much money. But that was like 20-30 years ago.) So, if he likes to ski, this is what it costs. I’d prioritize ensuring he’s not making these comments about cost around your daughter so he at least doesn’t ruin her trip.
There are some alternatives that I’m sure you’re already aware of: discount lift passes at local ski shops, season passes, half-day passes. Skiing the few remaining independent mountains (plug for White Pass in WA state…not sure of east coast equivalents). But yeah, it’s just an ungodly expensive sport these days.
Anonymous says
We are a family of 5. We own all our own gear. DH and mine is nice. The kids all ski on second (or 3rd/4th/5th hand) skis bought at a local ski swap, handed down from friends, or handed down from siblings. My 3 girls are 4-9 and ski on 80s, 110s and 130s but and we have kids skis 80-155 in our garage right now. I also have seven pair of ski boots 17.5-26 in the attic. We loan to friends what we don’t use and once the youngest outgrows the skis we sell or give them away.
We have done Epic passes for the past 3 years. This year it was just over $1200 all in for 5 passes (northeast local, we don’t fly to ski yet). My 4 year old is free. My 6 year old is $40 for the pass. My 9 year old cost $370.
We do day trips within 1.5 hours and when we make a big ‘do of things, I rent an airbnb cabin that’s ~30-45 min from the mountain. We don’t stay slopside- ever.
Sometimes I’ll take the older two for a two day trip and stay at a cheap hotel with a pool and free breakfast for<$180/nt. I pack food for the lodge but we also always buy hot food- Mac and cheese, soups, etc.
I would say we ski easily 15+ Days, maybe more like 25 per season. This winter I’ve taken Fridays off and my 4 year old and I will be daytripping to NH to get some turns (falls) in since she doesn’t have PK on Fridays.
anon says
This sounds amazing.
Signed,
Someone who lives 10 hours from the nearest ski area and struggles to find outdoor activities in the winter, lol.
Anonymous says
Is it cold but flat where you are? What about ice skating or hockey? I’m in Mass so everyone here has a friend or neighbor with an outdoor rink. Kids skate, parents drink wine by the fire pit and b*tch about the cold.
There’s also sledding and cross country skiing.
Also, my kids all play indoor basketball.
anon says
Would totally be on board with ice skating. It’s hard to time with some of the weird freeze-and-thaw cycles we seem to get nowadays. Yay climate change. In 2020, we had a record amount of snow. In 2021, we had barely any. My kids got to play outside in the snow … once. Makes it very hard to plan any winter activities, that’s for sure.
anon says
It’s the weird freeze-and-thaw cycles we seem to get anymore that throws everything off and makes it hard to count on any ice and snow activity. It’s one of the clearest effects of climate change that I’ve noticed. In 2020, we had a record amount of snow. In 2021, hardly any. My kids got to go sledding exactly once. It was eerie, how little snow we had.
Anon says
Yeah, the weather makes it tough. I’ve been wanting to take my kid ice skating for a while, but my city only has an outdoor rink and last winter we literally didn’t have a single weekend day with a high temp in the 30s or 40s. It was either bitterly cold or 50+ degrees and sunny and the rink was shut because the ice was melting.
We also had almost no snow last year. We did some “sledding” in our yard after getting like an inch and a half. But it was a weird winter for sure.
Anonymous says
I am really struggling today and needed to tell someone. My twins are not sleeping due to illness and teething and I’m exhausted and DH is losing patience. Advice welcome but I mostly need a nap or to win the lottery.
Anon says
Ugh, that sounds rough. Hang in there – this too shall pass.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I’m right there with you on the struggle bus. Big virtual hug.
Aunt Jamesina says
I’m so sorry! We’ve had RSV and Covid in our house in the past two months and now two funerals that will require travel and schedule disruption this week. I’m worn out and sad and just… bleh. I hope your husband is shouldering his part and not losing patience at you!
Anon says
I have twins and a singleton, and I’m just here to validate that the twins are one million times harder than the singleton when it comes to sleeping issues. There are no silver bullets, and I look back at periods that I literally don’t know how we survived. Go back to any offers of help you used to have and cash them in. Do anything you can to sleep. I’m so sorry.
HairTroubles says
Dry Shampoo recommendations? The recent voluntary recall on unilever dry shampoo makes me think I should switch to something a little more “safe”. I have sandy colored straight hair that gets greasy if I wash it too much. So I currently end up using an dry shampoo almost daily. I know I could play chemist in kitchen but I’m wondering if anyone has some off-the shelf go-tos they’ve had good luck with.
Vicky Austin says
Normally I’d recommend Not Your Mother’s, but I believe they’ve also been accused of having whatever the recall ingredient is and haven’t seemed to do anything about it, so I’m watching with caution.
anon says
I mean … I am far from a purist about beauty ingredients, but dry shampoo has never been great. I remember buying one that literally listed butane as an ingredient and being kind of horrified that I put that on my scalp. Can you style your hair differently on the second day, thus not needing the dry shampoo?
OP says
Good point! It’s not so bad when I can work from home and just keep my hair up. But when I’m going to the office and want to wear my hair down, that’s when dry shampoo is convenient.
Anonymous says
I believe the danger was in the propellant, so the kinds of dry shampoo that are in little powder dusters (sorry, I’m not sure what the term is — like a container with a brush on one end, and the dust sprinkles out as you brush it through your hair?) are fine.
Anonymous says
try the R+Co dry shampoo mist! It’s different from a traditional dry shampoo, so you have to get the hang of it and figure out how to make it work for you. but it’s a nice alternative.
GCA says
I don’t like the scents or propellants in many dry shampoos, so I use a little bit of cornstarch-based, no-talc baby powder and brush it through my hair. But the longest I go without washing my hair is two days, tops, because I typically work out nearly every day.
CCLA says
Since the recalls (and check out the expanded list, which is not yet officially recalled but a lab found elevated levels in more brands), I’ve gone back to my high school ways of using a large makeup brush and whatever face powder I have on hand. Way before that I used to use baby powder, which is easier to blend if you’re blond. Like another poster says though, look for no talc, which is basically corn starch so that should also work. I am now on the lookout for powder based non-aerosol ones but in the meantime this is working. I did like “powder play” which was a little thicker/stickier than a normal powder but a good thing to add to the rotation. Currently eyeing the bumble and bumble post workout spray which appears to be non-aerosol.
govtattymom says
I love moroccanoil dry shampoo! I use the one for light tones and it doesn’t darken my hair like other products.
Anonymous says
It’s not a dry shampoo, per se, but I love Aveda’s Rinseless Refresh spray.
Anonymous says
Klorane non-aerosol
AIMS says
Question about sending invites. I am generally on team “reach out to both parents when possible” (as opposed to default to mom to schedule play dates etc). But what do you do on kid party invites? Email whoever is “Parent 1” on the class list? Send to both, which basically means inviting the same kid twice?
AIMS says
To clarify – I am talking about stuff like Paperless Post, where you have to list one name and one email per guest; not a group email list where I would obviously include everyone I had contact info for.
Anon says
Just sending to whoever is listed as “parent one” is fine.
But honestly I don’t feel bad about defaulting to reaching out to moms for setting up a play date. I’m a mom and it’s more comfortable for me to text other moms. If DH were doing the reaching out, he’d contact the dad. I have a problem when schools and doctors offices default to always calling moms, but socially I think it’s normal for women to try to connect with other women.
Cb says
Oh that’s tricky. My instinct is to send it to both but then does that mess up your RSVPs? I think you should email paperless post and tell them it’s 2022, you should able to put two email addresses.
Anonymous says
We just do both and it’s really not so hard to track the rsvps.
DLC says
Can you just send the link out to people? I’ve received paperless posts where a parent just texted or emailed me the link. I guess it depends a little on how much work you want to do to include both parents.
At my house it’s always best to send an invite to both of us.
DLC says
Oh also wanted to add, I’ve learned that just because there are two parents listed, it does not mean that they are together or even on speaking terms… which certainly other people’s battles are not my concern, but it seems a shame that an invite might not get a response because it was sent to the wrong parent for that weekend.
NYCer says
I would just send the invite to Parent 1. Or to the parent you know better for the ones that you know.
Anonymous says
Presumably Parent 1 is the one who is in charge of such communications, so send to Parent 1. Do not send to both parents because that can cause confusion or multiple RSVPs.
Boston Legal Eagle says
In my younger kid’s daycare class, we send out a link since we’re not allowed to get the families’ personal emails. So both parents get it. For my older kid’s class, we send it to everyone listed on the teacher’s emails/directors, so both parents (or whoever is on the email list) get it there too. It hasn’t been an issue for RSVP purposes for us yet – I presume the parents speak to each other about birthday parties when they accept, so there wouldn’t really be a double accept in most cases.
Anon says
Yeah I’m jealous of everyone who has a class list and can send an evite. We have to send paper invites and I’m sure they get misplaced.
IVF says
I just wanted to thank everyone for commenting on my post yesterday. I tried to reply but my computer was being wonky.
Someone asked me for more information- been trying for around 5-6 months, my numbers are all good although AMH is low end of normal. I haven’t had uterus / fallopian tube tests yet but I dont have any risk factors for blockages and I have normal periods without pain so I doubt that’ll be an issue (but we are going to check soon). Husband has borderline numbers on a few measures of quality, but overall super high sperm count. I guess because I am 36 that’s why the rec for IVF was made.
After I wrote that post my H apologized for reacting to my reaction of being sad and angry but he still doesn’t really think how i feel is appropriate. Personally, I dont think anyone can tell anyone to feel a certain way.
Ironically, SIL messaged me this AM thanking me for giving her space and for being a sounding board for her in the past, and vented to me about a few extended family members being overbearing (one of the reasons why I wasn’t so worried about texting yet is because she had told me before she was worried about being overwhelmed post-delivery, so I knew my messages wouldn’t be missed). Now that I know she is happy I really dont care how H feels about my private reaction in my own home.
Also, I have tried to search this site but it seems like my searching isn’t working. When I search “IVF” In the toolbar any posts that come up do not show any comments about IVF? I must be doing something wrong.
anon says
Thank you for the update! What city are you in? We can offer recs for great RE’s, if you’d like — this place helped me find a new clinic when I needed to move on from my first RE.
Also, and this isn’t for everyone but I got the rec here: the subreddit /infertility has SO MUCH INFORMATION. Factual. None of that baby making/baby dust woo sh it. I was actually able to read their Wiki and then have some matter of fact conversations with my RE #1 (who I felt in my gut was going down a wrong path but what did I know, as the non-doctor). I honestly didn’t even know what Reddit was until that was suggested here. Just something to think about. I would be there’s a topic “Low AMH” that will lead you to some very good information.
And, agree: DH should not be telling you how to feel. Feel it, girl. This sucks.
Been there says
I have no idea how to search the site unfortunately. With this additional information, I would ask your doctor if you’re a candidate for other options such IUI (lower success rates but cheaper and much less invasive). We ultimately ended up needing IVF, but IUI is so much easier logistically that it might be a good starting place if you’re feeling overwhelmed.
Is your doctor a Reproductive Endocrinologist? If not, I would seek one out. If so, maybe get a second opinion? I’m not a doctor but having spent several years in the infertility world I don’t understand your doctors advice to go straight to IVF in your situation.
Been there says
Also, this is a very much YMMV thing, but I found it helpful to do overtly kind/helpful things from a distance for someone who was pregnant or had a new baby. The key for me was *from a distance*. Sending gifts, food, card, all good and made me feel better about my internal anger and jealously. Baby showers and showing up to help in person were a no go for me at a certain point, which is sad but if you get it, you get it.
Also, if anyone on this board tells you that no one is getting pregnant “at you”, you have my permission to scream and throw your computer out the window. Least helpful advice ever.
IVF says
Thank you especially “if you get it you get it”. Yes it’s much easier for me to support from afar. I have been having panic attacks thinking of the holiday events where I have to FAKE HAPPY. Hours of stress. Nope nope.
Anon says
i sort of get the doctor’s advice since husband has some quality issues, plus age, and i think it depends on how many kids OP expressed a desire to have, how imminently OP wants to get pregnant, etc. I will say that we did one round of IUI and got lucky, but if it hadn’t worked our plan was to go straight to IVF bc I wanted to be pregnant ASAP and it seemed like the odds weren’t really that much better with IUI and I was tired of wasting time (and we were lucky in that our insurance covered a lot of it)
Been there says
I agree and ultimately made the same decision. But since the poster said yesterday that she is was really upset by the prospect of having an invasive procedure, I thought it was worth mentioning that there are other options.
Boston Legal Eagle says
For searching, do site:corporettemoms.com “[topic you’re looking for]”
On the IVF front, your feelings are valid and you’re right that husband should not be telling you how you should and shouldn’t feel, especially in this situation.
Anonymous says
You could try a couple rounds of IUI, but IUI only has a success rate of 10-15%. If it doesn’t work then I would start IVF fairly soon. I also had low AMH and ovarian reserve at 34 and DH had low sperm count, motility, etc. IUI didn’t work for us so we did IVF. I had a healthy baby at 35. Later we tried for a second with the remaining embryos but they didn’t stick. I recommend the online course from Fertility IQ.
NLD in NYC says
For searching try: ivf site:corporettemoms.com/
Regarding IUI vs IVF: depending on your insurance you might need to do IUI first if you don’t have any major issues like endo before jumping to IVF. I also want to join in the chorus to validate your feelings. While TTC there were four (4!) pregnant colleagues in my office. I cried nearly every morning before going to my desk (they were all a few cubes away from me). You can be happy for others and still grieving for yourself.
anon 4 this says
Hi. This sucks tremendously, and I am happy you came here to chat. I just read through your update and additional comments. Can you get a second opinion from the doctors? Is this a specialist or an OBGYN? In my own experience, the OBGYN did some preliminary testing for me, but referred me to a specialist. My friend’s OB did an IUI for her. (Much less technical without the sperm treatment they do at the specialists). I think OB’s can kind of throw spaghetti on the wall in terms of options, prognosis, for fertility whereas a specialist can walk you through a lot of specific information. You can try a lot of variations on IUI with different medicines and such; if this is a route you want to try before IVF, and the numbers look like there’s some hope, the right doc can navigate a path for you. With an ‘unexplained’ diagnosis, in 4 years I had 9 iui’s and 3 pregnancies. Keep us posted!
Aunt Jamesina says
I missed your thread yesterday, but I’m so sorry! Infertility treatments can feel very daunting and isolating. What helped me was to give myself permission beforehand to get off or stop the train if it got to be too much. I guess it sounds trite, but I really just tried to take it one week at a time and not try to anticipate what was next because it feels like such a nonlinear process and I didn’t want to get my hopes up. We had a very similar medical background (and age) as you and your spouse and we did two IUIs before we moved on to IVF. I think I “needed” to try IUIs to sort of warm up to the idea of IVF, and I really did feel less daunted by IVF after having a few months of going through IUIs. In a weird way, I felt empowered once we started the IVF process because it felt like we were doing everything we could to have a baby.
As for your husband, I think it’s worth talking about how much more infertility treatments will affect you personally and physically and time-wise compared to him. No matter which partner has underlying medical issues to be overcome, you’re the one who has to go through so, so much more.
IME, it was hard for my husband to intellectually understand why some pregnancy announcements were hard for me, but he never tried to downplay my feelings. I’ve used the “I realize you don’t get why I’m feeling this way, but I need for you to listen to me and to offer your support as my partner” line in other scenarios where he has trouble understanding.
Anon says
Embarrassed to ask this but how often should I bathe my 12 week old baby? I’ve heard so many different answers. My daughter hates the bath, and I don’t love it either since she cries the entire time.
Anonymous says
What I gathered was — as often as you feel like, and whenever she’s dirty. So like if she got milk all over her, or if she had a blowout, that may require a bath. But other than that babies don’t need regular baths, especially if they hate them!
Anonymous says
I don’t think you should be embarrassed to ask this! My oldest had eczema and could only tolerate one bath a week in the winter. My twins need a bath daily at 21 months, but at 12 weeks I could squeak by with 3 or 4 baths a week. As for the crying: is the water too hot? Too cold? Does she want to be held/more secure? She may just not be used to it, but that takes time and more baths. My oldest didn’t love bathing til he was about 3. Tbh I could have put more effort into making it “fun.” My twins have toys, bubbles, and each other for entertainment.
Anon says
We washed the neck folds and diaper area regularly, but only did the whole baby as needed. By 12 weeks she liked to splash in the baby tub while I showered so that was our usual routine.
Anonymous says
Don’t be embarrassed. For my babies I only did a weekly full bath. My kids have super sensitive skin and couldn’t really handle more than that. I wash face, hands, and feet more often/as needed because those areas get dirtier/end up in baby’s mouth. I also make sure their bottoms get nice and clean with diaper changes. My babies didn’t really have rolls, but if yours does, consider wiping those areas more often with a damp washcloth because they can get stinky. Just because it’s a cultural norm to give a daily bath doesn’t mean it’s really necessary. Dermatologists agree that washing baby skin too often is not beneficial and often counterproductive. I still only do baths 2-3 times/week for my 6 month old and toddler (while obviously washing up any dirty areas as needed).
My group of friends largely does about the same as me, fwiw.
Anon says
We made bath time “special daddy time” to help with the crying. He put on his swim trunks and got in the bath and holds them while he washed them, then handed them out to me for drying off. The kids loved the warm of being held and getting his undivided attention, he liked the special thing “only” he could do, and I loved getting a few minutes to sit and breathe. Total win. It continued as they got older – he didn’t get in, but he sat there while they played and helped wash hair and dry off.
Now in elementary and starting to do things on their own, he’s still the one who monitors and helps them with shower/ bath time. He decides what the schedule is. He taught them (cheaper by the dozen book-style where he taught them clothed in the living room) how to turn the shower on and off and how to make sure everything is washed, and he brushes hair afterwards. It’s all his job, and I don’t have to spend any mental energy to make it work.
An.On. says
We started out with minimal baths (~2-3x week) but kept adding more and more because our kid had very dry skin and eczema, so now we’re doing a bath nightly. Not sure if this is going to be helpful to you, but when we started, our kid would be awful in the bath, but we have heat lights in our bath, and once we started turning those on, most of the problems stopped (also we had a portable changing table, so we undressed and dressed them right there). If your baby is crying coming out of the bath, maybe try heat lights or heated towels?
Aunt Jamesina says
We wiped down her folds daily but typically only bathed once per week at that age.
DLC says
Bathe the baby as often as you feel like you want to. I always just spot cleaned my baby because actually bathing them just seemed like a lot of work. I did love the newly washed baby smell, but even still it was once a week at most. Sometimes we couldn’t even remember the last time we had a bath.
Anonymous says
Your pediatrician might have a specific recommendation. We did a lot of wipe-downs /sponge bath but honestly bathed our babies infrequently, once a week maybe? We had eczema prone babies. As soon as we could hold them more upright, like propped in your hip (4 months? I forget, around when they can sit assisted) we showered with them, which they liked a lot more.
Holiday cards? says
Where do you all order holiday cards? Not feeling inspired by Minted’s or Shutterfly’s offerings this year.
anon says
Usually Shutterfly or Mpix.
Anon says
I typically use Minted because a portion of the proceeds go to our public school, but I’ve used Simply to Impress for birth announcements in the past and was pleased with them.
Anon says
Vista print
Anonymous says
+1 Vistaprint. Generally more affordable and customizable (you can remove the logo from the back). I’ve been using them for over 10 years and always get compliments
Anon says
We use postable because our addresses are saved through their site.
DLC says
I use Mixbooks because they are very customizable. I like to put a family newsletter on the back and Mixbooks is one of the only sites where I can adjust everything to fit all the text I need to. (I imagine VistaPrint might be similar)