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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
CPA Lady says
Well I about had a breakdown yesterday. Apparently my workplace is going to come out with policies for parents whose kids are doing virtual school (though we are quickly approaching the number of covid cases threshold where school is only going to be open part time for everyone). But they are not going to announce these policies until you’ve already had to make a decision about what you’re doing with your kid. The deadline to pick what you’re doing for school was yesterday and they’re not going to announce the policies until at the earliest sometime next week.
So I guess we’re all just picking something blindly that might have major repercussions on us financially and career wise. My childless boss did not understand why I am so upset about this. When I emailed HR to try to get some additional info the head of HR just replied that we have to do what is “best for our families” and then figure out the rest. Except what is best for my family includes my continued employment? Which I can’t make a decision about without all the information? Gah. This is awful. I work for a “family friendly” firm. I guess we’ll see how true that is.
In exciting news, we’re now under contract on that house! Which I may regret if work forces me to go part time, but whatever.
Anon says
Your workplace is setting a deadline for you to decide? Or your school district? I don’t see how your workplace can force you to make a choice.
anon says
It sounds like the workplace may be forcing parents into reducing their hours if they choose the district’s virtual school option.
Anon says
I would hope they are offering flexible hours. Anyway, how do they know if you have household assistance, grandparents, etc. And not all kids of employees will be in the same district, districts will change policies midyear as caseloads change. This seems really suspect and maybe requires discussion with an employment lawyer?
Anonymous says
No an employment lawyer is going to tell you that your employer can implement new work from home policies at any time without notice. Thus is infuriating but not remotely illegal.
CPA Lady says
My workplace is releasing their policies after the school district’s deadline.
Anonymous says
This sounds…insane? They need to (or should) clarify whether you may have reduced hours if you choose virtual school. I am sorry
anne-on says
+1 – this is insane. What if you provide proof of childcare support (nanny, au pair, gamily member, etc.) will that preclude them from forcibly reducing your hours?
anon says
That is some horsesh!t right there. I’m sorry. :(
Congrats on the house, CPA Lady! I’m one of the commenters who told you to go for it. :)
Anon says
This seems really discriminatory. In theory your workplace isn’t even supposed to know if you have kids, although if you get your benefits through your employer they would know if you cover dependents.
Anon says
It’s pretty standard and legal for employers to ban employees from working from home while also caring for young children. I agree it’s crappy not to make an exception in this current crisis but I don’t see how this is illegal or discriminatory.
Anonymous says
It is very common for WFH policies to specify that the employee may not work while also caring for a child.
Anonymous says
It makes a lot of sense — I am not getting a lot (often: any) work done caring for kids, cooking for them, logging them into zooms, etc. Very wishful thinking some days (or it takes 10 hours to get 4 hours of work done). Ugh. 2020 is such a slog.
CPA Lady says
Which makes sense during normal times. But not really now, when vast portions of the country are going to have their kids in virtual school either by choice or through no other options.
At any rate, the school district announced their deadline was yesterday weeks ago and it makes me extremely angry that my work said nothing about the fact that they were going to release policies until after the deadline is past. Because it would have potentially changed my decision. Like, if I’m going to have to go part time, let me make that decision on my own, don’t just tell me that’s what’s happening after it’s too late for me to switch my kid’s school option.
Anon says
Yeah it sucks, I don’t think anyone is disagreeing with you on that. We’re pushing back on the commenters saying this is discriminatory or illegal. It’s very clearly not.
Anonymous says
Exactly.
Anonymous says
We are just explaining to Anon at 9:55 that it’s not illegal and discriminatory for an employer to require that you have child care while WFH. Absolutely agree that it is stupid to enforce such a policy under the current circumstances–this is an argument I am currently making to my employer because I’m afraid all my staff will quit in September.
Anon Mom says
And optimistc me was thinking they’d annouce some sort of paid part-time leave for parents who are primary caretakers of grade school children. Similar to paid parental leave. Hah hah hah.
Of course, I have no idea how they would determine which parents qualified or not, since there is a continuum of the day to day responsibilities someone would have, from someone with a stay at home spouce and help from family to a single parent with occasional paid care.
Which then makes me bitterly think of the studies that have shown that male academics on paternity leave write papers and books and apply for grants, while female academics on materinity leave do not.
And it’s sad and frustrating that women (and men, but mostly women in my circles) who have been long term, valued employees are worried about losing their jobs because of something as basic as the need to be there for their children in a global pandemic when the usually support systems we have are gone.
I also realize that I, and most of my friends in this situation, have it amazingly easy compared to the parents who can’t work from home and don’t have the financial resources built up with one or two high incomes, etc.
Anon says
There’s still the emergency COVID leave from the CARES act, right? We made it work without daycare all summer but it was absolutely miserable, and I plan to take that leave if (when) daycare closes in the fall.
Anonymous says
No your work isn’t going to give you part time paid childcare leave on top of the Cares Actvleave you can already take. Absurd suggestion.
Realist says
Cheering on your comments here, Anon Mom. Jeff Bezos made more than $13 billion in one day during this pandemic. That is more than Iceland’s government spending in one year. America could figure this out and afford it with fair taxes. It is not absurd to suggest that caregivers be given paid leave to get through a pandemic. Almost every other country is doing some form of just that. *Primal scream*
Anon says
+1
I’m so so so tired of everyone saying “we can’t afford that” when income inequality is through the roof because of a lack of basic fairness in taxation.
anon says
“Choosing virtual school” isn’t really a valid basis for a policy, particularly one that forces reduced hours. Do they mean parents who have young children at home and no childcare?
There are working parents with kids who would normally be in daycare but can’t be. Also, parents who choose in person school will inevitably have times when their kid is home from school. (I’m sending my kid to in person school but betting Kiddo will be home for 50% of the school year.) So, the category is under-inclusive if they’re worried about parents juggling childcare and work.
There are parents who choose virtual school but are not responsible for childcare during the day–partners, grandparents, older siblings, paid sitters/tutors, these home school pods everyone’s talking about, etc. And of course, most older kids (middle or high school) don’t need so much supervision. Sure, they might interrupt you a few times, but no more than Debbie down the hall does on a typical day in the office. So, “choosing virtual school” is under-inclusive.
It’s perfectly legal to require employees to make representations that they have adequate childcare to meet their work responsibilities. It’s sh*tty if an employer won’t provide flexibility right now. But honestly, if I didn’t want to go part-tie, I’d probably make the representation, split duties with my partner, and/or hire someone or put the kids in a pod.
Anon says
“Representation” is the word here. Yes, employers appropriately stipulate that WFH cannot be a substitute for childcare. But I have never known a parent who didn’t occasionally WFH for childcare. As long as the work is performed satisfactory, I have never known of any inspections. Employers also reserve the right to inspect WFH facilities (for non-parents and parents) to ensure they are sufficient. I have never heard of such an inspection. (This policy may also be used to discourage an employee from taking on 2 jobs under the guise of WFH).
It’s not the employer’s business what schooling you choose, just that you are able to work free from childcare duties.
Taylorq says
I have heard of insurance and coding companies in my area making in home inspections for WFH employees.
avocado says
What is your district requiring of parents who choose virtual school? Ours is requiring a “learning coach” (read: mom) to supervise each K-5 child during live on-line instruction, visible on camera. Parents are also expected to provide one-on-one supervision during asynchronous learning. It is absolute madness, and I can only assume that the requirement is intended at least in part to reduce demand for the on-line option. The assumption of course is a two-parent household with a SAHM, but even then what do you do if you have three kids in elementary school?
anon says
That’s absolutely insane. How long are the kids (and parents) expected to be on live, on-line instruction? If it were all day, I’d probably just home school and split teaching with DH. I’m pretty sure that, even with several kids, we could accomplish in 2.5 hours total (so 1 hour and 15 minutes from each of us) whatever can be accomplished on a 5.5 hour zoom (the time someone mentioned yesterday).
avocado says
They aren’t telling us the specifics of the schedule for either on-line or in-person instruction until after we commit. It’s a train wreck.
Pogo says
A SAHM I know of 3 kids had this same reaction in the spring and basically stopped doing school. She has a 3yo, 6yo and 8yo. The 3yo was wreaking havoc and getting into everything while she was trying to simultaneously have the other two doing whatever they were supposed to be doing at the right time and place (dialing in to the various Zooms etc when of course, as children, they would have preferred to be playing like the toddler). And she had to of course buy two computers so they could be doing their stuff at the same time. There are truly very few people who could actually pull off this kind of arrangement, even with a SAHM.
It stressed her out so much that after she realized it was highly unlikely she’d be brought up on truancy charges in this environment, she gave up.
Anonanonanon says
Oh wow. our district hasn’t released those specifics (or maybe they have and I’ve missed it) but I will certainly not be present on camera while my 5th grader does online school. I would just…. not do it. What are they going to do, refuse to school him? If they did, I’d just homeschool, which is still on the table for our family if the school’s program doesn’t work for us
anon says
Yeah, like wtf. Also they want teachers to report on parents presence LOL. If this is the option “home school” aka do nothing for a year.
Spirograph says
wait, WHAT?! I can’t even… They can’t possibly enforce that, can they? I mean, what are they going to do, boot the child out of the Zoom room if the parent isn’t there?
Anonymous says
Does everyone at your workplace go to the same district? I am probably being naive, but if they are really aware of all of this, I struggle a little to believe that the policies will be super harmful. I especially think this could be the case given HR’s response to “do what is best for your family”.
anon says
This is a small thing, but I am ecstatic that my daughter’s preschool has decided to host a small, outdoor, socially distanced graduation ceremony in early August. I had been feeling so sad about her missing that milestone (and me, too, if I’m being honest), so this feels like a bright spot in an otherwise crummy month full of impossible decisions.
Anon says
Aw, that’s sweet and great to hear!
Anon says
Not a small thing! I’m so happy for you.
Pogo says
That is very sweet. You have to take the win anywhere these days.
Anon says
someone yesterday was asking for the link for this – in regards to why schools never seem to get anything done, apparently this is how some spend their time: https://www.askamanager.org/2020/07/im-stuck-in-daily-three-hour-zoom-meetings.html
Anon says
Too true!
Anonymous says
I don’t think this problem is unique to schools.
Anon says
For sure.
Anonanonanon says
Sounds like a specific government job I once had.
Administrator says
Yeah, I work in public education and this sounds completely foreign to any of the three districts I’ve worked in.
anon says
I thought my higher-ed environment was too meeting-heavy but it pales in comparison to this. What a massive waste of time for everyone. If you’re meeting, you’re not doing.
Anon says
Oh higher ed is the worst for meetings! I had to just straight up tell my boss I couldn’t attend meeting until I have daycare again because I have maybe 4-5 hours/day to work now and the meetings were filling almost all of them.
Anon Lawyer says
I know everyone on this board likes to hate teachers, but it’s literally a single anecdote of a ridiculous workplace. You can find that about every type of workplace on AAM.
Anon says
I think it’s partly the content of the meetings. My context is one of the least cautious reopenings, and it feels like the meetings are about propaganda, seeing how many awkward euphemisms we can generate, and getting our story straight… when we desperately need to be planning concretely for what’s likely to happen rather than what we have to pretend will happen.
Anonanonanon says
Unsolicited product rec
We’ve hired a COVID nanny which we’re obviously fortunate to be able to do but is also a bit of a stretch financially. Anyway, my biggest adjustment to having a nanny is that my house feels like a disaster at the end of the day, and on my grumpy days I kind of resent coming home from work or emerging from my telework hole to increased housework. It’s not her fault, she’s not hired to be a maid, the house is bound to be messier with people in and out of it during the day, but I hate it.
Anyway, a Roomba did not feel like a financially responsible solution. I read a lot of reviews and settled on a eufy 11S as a robotic vacuum and am pretty happy with it so far! It’s around $200 and definitely worth the price.
Pros:
-Quiet (especially on carpet)
-Entertains the kids
-Doesn’t require wifi or a phone app, it comes with a remote control
-100 minute runtime (it does not program a path, it seems to just wander for 100 minutes but definitely hits everywhere!) Also has a 30 minute “quick clean” option or you can guide it with your remote control
-Works well on hardwood and carpet
-Price.
Cons:
-Pretty small dustbin
-Long charge time (5-6 hours)
-Patterns are kind of random, which isn’t a huge deal unless you really prefer clean-looking carpet lines
Anyway, definitely worth the price and it encourages my kids to keep their rooms clean so the vacuum can visit their rooms.
NYCer says
Obviously everyone has a different relationship with and expectations for their nanny, but FWIW, we have had a nanny for a long time, and she has always picked up the stuff that the kids played with and generally tidied up at the end of the day (or as they go). The house rarely feels like a disaster when we get home from work. I know that this wasn’t the point of your post, but just pointing out that I don’t think it is beyond normal nanny expectations to ask her to tidy up after the kids a bit (put away toys, clean up food off the floor, etc.).
That being said, Roombas are awesome!
anne-on says
So glad you found a good solution!
I would, however, encourage you to talk with the nanny about doing some light housework. It’s not up to her to keep the house squeaky clean, but if she’s not cleaning up after meals/snacks, encouraging the kids to clean up after a task before moving to another one, wiping down counters, running and unloading the dishwasher and throwing some some laundry I’d ask her to start. She can also absolutely have them ‘help’ her put clothing in the dishwasher, fold and put away clothing, etc. Those things sound like a lot but can be done in probably 5-10 minute increments while the kids are independently playing/napping, and are a pretty standard ask for nannies (heck, it’s what I require our au pair to do – clean up after kid mess!) and usually happens in short bursts or during a nap/TV/screen time.
We fell into the trap of ‘sitters are only here to play with the kids and do the fun stuff!!!’ but nannies/au pairs are a long term part of your household and it’s totally reasonable to discuss them doing/modeling/teaching light housework (like they likely would at preschool anyway – my kid came home from daycare MUCH better about promptly cleaning up toys and snacks).
Anon says
Interesting. I also bought a $200 robot vacuum during lockdown and didn’t feel it was worth the money. It needs to be cleaned after every use and got stuck so often that I think it would have been faster to vacuum the whole house with a traditional vacuum. And in our house at least the problem isn’t really that we need to be vacuuming constantly – it’s that there are toys and dishes and papers everywhere, which the robot can’t fix. Anyway we used it maybe 3 times and then our cleaning service returned, to my eternal gratitude.
Anonanonanon says
I really hesitated because I had a bad experience in the past with a different model that required a lot of calls to customer service, cleaning the unit, replacing parts, etc. So far so good with this one, though. It certainly doesn’t replace the Dyson stick vacuum, but I can at least have it do an OK job on the top floor (which was previously neglected) without lugging the vacuum up, changing out the vacuum head from the hardfloor to carpet attachment, and other minor-but-hated tasks.
Anon says
I have a Dyson stick (V11), I haven’t been changing the head or anything and it’s doing a great job on both floors and carpets. Am I doing something wrong?
Anonanonanon says
Mines an older one (V6 maybe? it’s over 5 years old) and the normal head definitely just scatters stuff on my hardwood floors, so I ordered a hardwood floor attachment that works wonders. It’s sort of a big fluffy brush thing that is uniform, no britsles, if that makes sense? sort of like a paint roller? Whereas the main head with it looks like any traditional vacuum head, the plastic cylinder with the bristles that spiral around it and it spins, which seems to just fling stuff around on my hardwood floors but is great on my carpets.
Anonanonanon says
Re: Asking her to clean, she does as well as can be expected for someone with two kids around all day, and she empties the dishwasher once a day (it has clean dishes when she arrives). She is truly engaging with the kids all day (when the toddler naps, she plays board games with my older son, for example) and I don’t want to discourage her from doing so. But yes, toys are usually strewn about and sometimes dishes don’t make it to the sink before she leaves. She has the kids playing outside a lot of the day, which is great, but they track in leaves and grass etc.
She is actually pregnant now and is leaving us in a couple of weeks, so I’m letting it go for now and taking it as a lesson-learned in terms of setting clear and specific cleaning expectations upfront with her replacement.
anon says
Teaching the kids to clean up (and helping them do so) should be one of her jobs. We ask our nanny to leave the house in at least as good of condition as it started in the morning.
IHeartBacon says
If your older son is old enough to play boardgames, he is probably old enough to do some chores. Part of the nanny’s job should be helping to raise your kids to learn to pick up after themselves. I don’t ask my nanny to clean up my son’s room. I tell her she needs to make him clean up his room. I don’t ask my nanny to do my son’s laundry. I asked her to supervise him while he puts his own clothes in the washing machine, puts soap inside the washer, transfer the wet clothes into the dryer, etc. And my son is 3. I’m sure these tasks take longer for her than they would take if she just did them herself, but when we hired her I explained to her that teaching my son to be independent and self-sufficient this way was very important to me. I genuinely believe I will have failed as a parent if my son grows up believing he is allowed to make a mess and some woman is going to come along behind him and clean up after him.
Anonanonanon says
He’s 10, so he does his own laundry etc., but she does not do a good job of reminding him and I did not make it clear to her that that was a priority for me, so that becomes one more thing I have to do before she arrives or in the evenings (remind him, not do the laundry). She was hired as a stopgap measure and ended up staying for 5 months, so I did not set expectations really well and then never revisited them, which is definitely on me and something I will do a better job with when we get a replacement when she leaves us in a few weeks. He is incredibly small for his age (2nd percentile) and has a young face, and enforcing age-appropriate expectations is a problem we run into with a lot of teachers, caregivers, etc.
anon says
Do you have an Alexa or other timer? Set a timer for 30 minutes before the nanny is done for the day. Ask that everyone use that time to pick up so the house is ready for the evening. The nanny can redirect if your 10 yo gets off task, but she should be picking up too. Even the 3 yo should help.
There is no reason you can’t do this now. Just tell the nanny that work has been stressful and that you need some extra help right now.
Anon says
Maybe I’m just not familiar with nanny dynamics, but the tone of this comment strikes me as a little funny. You are the parent, you take on the lion’s share of teaching your kid responsibility. You don’t want your son thinking it’s okay to have someone else clean up his mess…but in a way you are having “the help” handle the less-fun burdens of teaching self-sufficiency… Honestly, a nanny playing board games with a kid sounds like a great way to spend an afternoon to me. You and kid can clean up together when you are done with work
Anonymous says
I don’t have a nanny, but I completely disagree with you. Daycare definitely teaches my kids a great deal about manners and personal responsibility. I’m not sure why it’s any different for ‘the help’ (as you call the nanny) to do it? I don’t think she’s putting this burden solely on the nanny, just saying this is part of the nanny’s job during the hours the nanny is with the kid. The reality is that for working parents most of our kids spend more waking hours with nannies or daycare teachers than they do with us, so the other caregivers have to be involved in discipline, enforcing rules and teaching them appropriate life skills. They can’t be like grandparents who just get to swoop in for a week of vacation and spoil the kid. I think it’s so weird to think that a nanny should only have fun with a kid and then the mom should be the one forcing the kid to do the clean-up.
Anonanonanon says
Anonymous at 1:05 got to the root of some of my heartburn about it. I feel like she gets to have all of the fun with them and I’m left spending the evening cleaning up, asking them to clean up after themselves, etc. At the end of the day though, to Anon @ 12:53’s point, I’m happy he is getting 1:1 attention from her while his sister naps, lord knows he’s short on that with two kids in the house and two parents working full-time.
IHeartBacon says
I completely disagree that my nanny should get to have all the fun with my kid, while the only time that I have with my son on weekdays is spent cleaning up after the mess they made while they were having all their fun. I did not hire her to be my child’s play date. I hired her to be “the help.” To help me raise my kid while I work. To help me turn him into a self-sufficient, independent, productive member of society. She is with him 10 hours a day, which are the majority of his waking hours during the workweek. If she does not help me with teaching him these important life skills during the 50 hours she is with him during the week, then when is he going to get any meaningful lessons during these 50 hours on things like pick up your toys after you play with them? My nanny is not a babysitter, which I consider to be someone who steps in occasionally for a couple of hours so I can have a date night or whatever other errand I may have to run. In a way, even though my nanny on the one hand and my husband and I on the other hand are in an employer-employee relationship, there is also the unique dynamic that to a certain extent, all three of us are co-parenting my child and the more consistent the regular adults in his life are about expectations, the easier it is for him to understand what is acceptable behavior and what is not. I made it clear during the interview process that this is what I expect of a nanny. She was not the only nanny I interviewed, but she was the only one whose personal philosophy about what was expected of a nanny aligned with my own. And, again, I don’t make her clean my house, but I do require her to (a) pick up after herself and (b) make myself pick up after himself.
As for the OP: [email protected]:14 made a great recommendation to set a timer for 30 minutes before the nanny is done for the day where she and the kid go through the house and pick up after themselves. I agree that there is no reason you can’t start this practice now even though she is leaving in a few weeks.
anonymous says
We have one of the fancy wifi-enabled Roombas and love it! Because you can program it to run in different rooms at different times, we have it do the dining room and kitchen after dinner and rest of the house (living room, family room, etc.) in the morning after the kids wake up but before they come downstairs. It can’t run when the floors are full of kid toys, but we make the kids clean up before they go up to bed anyway, so the rooms are clean in the morning. The fancy version we have also empties itself (and will go back to finish if it filled up before the designated area was done). Between the cats and dogs there’s a lot of dirt/fur in our house, so having a daily vacuum is amazing. Yeah, $600 was a splurge, but totally worth it for our household.
Anonanonanon says
The ones that empty themselves seem amazing, this one has a tiny bin and, knowing how much my dyson picks up, there is no way it’s getting everything. A fancy one would definitely move from a “nice to have” to a “must have” if we had pets! Not running on wifi was actually a plus for me, our wifi can be spotty because the router is in the basement of a 3-story row home.
If this cheap one continues to work well I may get a second so I have one on the main floor and one on the top floor.
Administrator says
I have this same Eufy and I LOVE IT SO MUCH! I also love that it has a lower clearance than many others, so it gets under most of our furniture.
Anonanonanon says
Yes! I forgot to mention that! That was one of the reasons I chose it, I wanted it to be able to fit under all of the beds and dressers. I’m pleasantly surprised with how well it navigates tight spaces considering it seems to kind of bounce around
KW says
We’re switching our 3rd grader from public to private school this year, which means: uniforms. Where is the best place to buy uniform basics like white polos, navy shorts, etc. I see they’re sold at Target, Old Navy, JC Penney, etc. We will have to buy certain items from the school, but otherwise, I’m looking for thoughts on quality and price of other options. Thanks!
anon says
I’m not in this boat yet (my kids are a year out from starting at our public school, which requires uniforms) but I’ve heard good things about Children’s Place for uniform basics.
Anonymous says
I can’t weigh in on quality of the uniforms, but Lands End is another option. We’ve been pleased with our non-uniform clothes from there. And if you monitor them, you’ll be able to get 40% off at some point between now and mid-August I’m guessing.
anne-on says
What is the uniform? Any brand of polos/pants as long as they’re in specific colors? I think it depends HEAVILY on your kids body type. I also have a rising 3rd grader with a uniform (collared shirt, pants with belt loops, belt). For tall but slim kids gap or jcrew are your best bets for sturdiness – look for sales and buy then. For polos mine got suddenly picky and requests only the ‘soft’ jcrew ones instead of the traditional woven polo shirts (slub cotton instead of woven or pique cotton). For woven polos I find the gap ones wash and wear better than Old Navy. In the winter we usually layer sweaters over polos and like Gap and Brooks brothers for v-neck, 3/4 zip, or shawl collar sweaters (crew neck sweaters are a bit tight when you layer them over a collared shirt). A ‘good’ price for sweaters is $20-$30/each, but you really have to sale stalk. I haven’t tried Target or Childrens place.
Fwiw, if you can find them on sale, or second hand, Brooks Brothers kids stuff wears like iron and they also run longest/largest if you have a big kid. They and Jcrew are also about the only places you can reliably find navy kids blazers if you need them (we do for the few school pageants/graduation ceremonies/etc. every year). Also the moms usually email/text when places like Jcrew/Gap/Brooks Brothers/Ralph Lauren go on sale – if you follow end of season sales and stock up you can usually get new clothes from those brands for less than you can buy used on poshmark or the like.
KW says
Thank you! The dress code is pretty basic: we will have to buy the skirt/jumper and cardigan from the school, but otherwise it’s a white polo or collared blouse and optional navy shorts or pants. DD is tall and thin – about 4’11” and 85 lbs. Sounds like I should look at Gap or JCrew.
Anon says
Lands’ End with the 40% off sale/coupon
anon says
All my uniforms came from Land’s End growing up. My son is starting in a private school that requires uniforms, and the school actually specified that all uniforms be purchased at a specific store.
anonamommy says
I have been unimpressed with the Old Navy polos — they shrink and the buttons never stay buttoned. The best quality-for-price for polos I’ve found has been the French Toast brand sold through Costco, they usually are available around now through Labor Day. They also make a ponte pant that has held up well.
Anonymous says
I will buy from LE on sale, but I have been very, very happy with the items I have gotten at . . . Wal*mart. Not all items seem to be great, but I have found some really good pieces.
Anon says
At first glance I thought this was one of those donuts you can use in the postpartum recovery period.
Anooooooon says
I am a BigLaw attorney, and mom to two (youngest is under a year). My husband is not currently employed and can’t look for work because of COVID – he is looking after our kids because someone has to. My practice has been BOOMING since COVID, so I am insanely busy and hate the time I need to put in. I planned to go back to work on a reduced schedule but couldn’t because the firm reduced salaries, so now I’m working way more hours for way less money and can’t stop because my husband can’t work. I’m also up for counsel soon so making my hours really matters.
I feel like I am going to break. I am nursing, and it takes time that I’m not billing. We have two kids and two different bedtimes so we’re basically putting kids to bed from 7-8:30 every night. My husband wants my help or attention sometimes and I resent even eating lunch with my family because it is time I’m not billing. I wake up early to do chores. And bill. I bill after the kids go to bed. And I’m still not billing as much as my child-free colleagues. I feel like I should be able to do more because there’s a whole person in our house dedicated to kid-care (at least we’re not both working, I say! though if we were I could afford to go reduced…) But I just hate this situation so much. I hate being in my house but not being present at home. I hate ignoring my kids cries when I want to hug them, or feeling resentful of my husband that he can’t keep them quiet.
We have no family nearby. We aren’t comfortable hiring help (and would have a hard time affording it with only one reduced income even if we were comfortable). It doesn’t look like school will open for our older one in the fall. I’m barely getting by and I hate all this. My house is always dirty and I hate that. I just needed to vent and commiserate. :(
Anon says
You need to hire help. Big Law is grueling in the best of times, it’s impossible with two young children at home. Your husband is a full-time caregiver, but that means he puts in 40-50 hours/week the way a daycare or nanny would. You can’t expect one person to give you 80 hours of childcare, but you need 80 hours to work. Thus, you need more childcare help. If you’re up for counsel in Big Law, you can afford to pay for some childcare, even on a reduced income. You know your “reduced” income is way more than the vast majority of households earn even with both adults working, right? There’s no way to make hiring help zero risk, but there are ways to minimize the risk (and losing your job or your marriage are real risks if you don’t hire help). Pretty much everyone I know who’s hired a babysitter or nanny has had blunt conversations with them about what activities they’re doing and what covid precautions they’re taking. Since you don’t need full time care, maybe your childcare help can look like someone supervising your kids in a public park. If they’re outdoors and not getting super close, the risk is extremely minimal.
Anon says
Agreed! What you are doing is clearly not sustainable and you might really break down or destroy family ties if you don’t find help. If you are resenting even eating lunch with your kids, something is wrong.
mascot says
+1 that you need to outsource. Start with lower expense, higher impact like items like a cleaning service, yard service, prepared meals and/or laundry. There are ways to reduce your risk for these and having someone take these chores off your plate will make a massive difference (cleaning service is a must for my house).
Anonymous says
You need help. Immediately. There’s no reason why you can’t get at a minimum a housekeeper in. One morning a week you sit in a room with the door closed, husband and kids go to the park, and she cleans. Also sounds like husband wants to work? Get some childcare so he has a moment to breath and job hunt. Even on reduced pay you aren’t too poor for this.
Anooooooon says
I mean he wants to work but then we’d need full time childcare, and who can get that nowadays? Everything is closing anytime someone coughs! Even if he got a job one of us would have to take off weeks at a time to watch the kids anyway, based on what I’m seeing my friends do.
Anonymous says
You’d hire a nanny!
Anon says
You would hire a nanny, like every other Big Law attorney. Or send your kids to daycare and hire some additional part-time babysitting help to cover short-term closures, plus the additional hours of care you need. Is there something you’re not telling us about your financial picture? Like you bought way more house than you could afford or you have massive consumer debt? Because it should not be a financial struggle for a Big Law attorney to hire help, even on a reduced salary. That’s why they pay the big bucks.
Anooooooon says
My firm doesn’t pay market. I mean, we’re doing well enough, but I probably make $100,000 a year less than someone at my level at a different firm would. Even if we could swing a nanny, I just don’t know how to get comfortable with the COVID risk there.
anon says
We hired a college student who is taking a gap year as our live in nanny. She’s been living with high risk parents this summer so she’s very comfortable with social distancing and doesn’t engage in high risk activities. It’s not zero risk, but about as low as it gets these days.
Anonymous says
You said “it doesn’t look like school will open for our older one in the fall”… so you were contemplating sending your child back to in-person school but you think having a babysitter or a housekeeper for a few hours per week is too high risk? That’s completely illogical. I almost wonder if you have some untreated anxiety based on how you’re talking about the risks of household help.
Anooooooon says
Wow, that’s rude. I had hoped the whole situation with COVID would be managed better, and that the risk would have gone down by the time school started, and that we wouldn’t currently be in the middle of a second wave of virus spread. It’s not looking like that will happen now, obviously.
Realist says
OP, you don’t have to justify your life or disclose your financial situation to anonymous commentators on the internet. Some of these comments are just downright mean. We all have our own financial pressures and risk tolerance. I don’t know why someone feels they need to attack someone else for having different circumstances/making different decisions. Especially when you said you just wanted to vent and commiserate. I think your situation sounds hard. I think the White House has put all of us in impossible situations. I agree with considering outsourcing as is feasible for your household and potentially dipping into savings to just get through this time, but it is your decision. You aren’t a bad person or a failure that you haven’t figured it out yet. I hope some of the other suggestions on this thread, which were offered in a spirit of helpfulness instead of being cast in the language of trolls, are helpful to you.
Anonymous says
I wasn’t trying to be rude, I was trying to be helpful. Sorry if it came across rudely. I don’t know the specifics of your situation, but I used to work in Big Law and based on my experience there, I think there’s a good chance that not having the hired help you need will negatively impact your career prospects, possibly to the point of you being let go or denied your promotion. The scientific evidence is pretty solid that expanding your “bubble” by one or two people doesn’t put you at a high risk of catching covid, especially if you ask these employees to take precautions like wearing masks in your home and you talk to them about their activities outside your home and hire people who are similarly cautious about covid. It’s your career, your choice, but none of the Big Law partners I know would have any sympathy for a senior associate up for promotion to counsel having her hours suffer because she doesn’t want to outsource the help she needs. Even in the current situation. Life is not zero risk and hiring one well-vetted, trusted nanny or housekeeper is about as low risk as you can get, given the world we currently live in. If you have a health condition that makes you unusually high risk than maybe you can look into getting a doctors note and/or trying to take some kind of medical leave. But if you’re a healthy-ish 30- or 40-something, “I’m scared to hire a nanny because of covid” is not an excuse Big Law partners will accept for not making your hours. It’s just not. I’m just being honest, at least from what I know of Big Law based on my own experience and friends’ experiences.
Anon says
You’re working remotely, right? I would also think seriously about temporarily moving to be near family. That’s our plan for the fall if/when daycare shuts. We’d rent an AirBNB in my parents town, quarantine for two weeks, and then they’d be our primary childcare.
anon says
+1 to nanny (live out or live in) – my friends who are biglaw partners/counsel all have FT nannies. In fact some of them have a second, backup nanny to provide after hours coverage. Several others also have regular meal delivery, and all of them have housekeepers that come at least 1x/week. That’s what biglaw money is for!
Anon says
I stopped nursing earlier than I wanted to because it was just too hard while working, even while working at home. I know a lot of people balance it no problem but it was just this thing hanging over my head all the time and it was making me miserable to to balance it with calls and work I needed to get done.
Anon says
+1
Anon says
Nursing is not always realistic if you have a lot of other demands in your life. Combo feeding and eventually switching to formula completely was key for me.
anon says
Hire help to clean the house. Send your laundry out. Childcare for 2 young kids is more than a full-time job. BigLaw is more than a full-time job. You don’t have time leftover to clean your house.
Anon says
I agree you need more help, and it’s not going to be non-zero risk or cost free and you are going to have to get comfortable with it – dipping into savings, maybe no room for extras, etc. to get through this time that is critical for your job. DH is a SAHD and, like you, because my job (also BigLaw up for counsel or partner next year or the year after) is more than 1 person to handle in terms of childcare, it’s just not sustainable. I think about it as though if we were both working, we would need daycare and a nanny, and asking him to replace both of those is just not compatible. We have been burning the candle at both ends to just get to September when in-person school was going to start, but now that it will not for public school and likely not for preschool we are looking at bringing in help. I wonder if your office is open if you can go in for 1-2 days a week to get uninterrupted focused time (and go in and stay late – max out those hours). And agree you need to add a housekeeper – I am considering bringing ours back once my deals pick up. Ideally you find someone who is willing to do both housekeeping any maybe kid supervision to give DH a break, and you have them come two days a week – one day to clean and one day to babysit. Or you find a high schooler in your neighborhood whose family has been taking a similar risk approach to you all, and have that person come over for 2 hours every day to help pick up toys and watch the kids, etc. and then give your husband some time to either do the heavy cleaning or job hunt.
Anonymous says
My neighborhood list serve has been flooded with college and high school kids desperate for any kind of paying work. What about using someone like that as a cheap option outdoors, even requiring them to wear a mask, for a few hours a few times a week? Maybe having them take the kids on a long stroller walk even? Also, as a fellow big law attorney, I would also be insanely stressed as the unintentional sole breadwinner and would worry about work colleagues/competition, and you know your firm, but my colleagues don’t seem to be judging any parents these days and know everyone’s doing their best. Don’t beat yourself up on that front.
Anooooooon says
Thank you… I know this is true of my colleagues, who are truly fabulous people. But with this being a year that really counts for making counsel my anxiety level is way higher than usual about hours. It was too much with one kid and I knew it would be too much with two (hence the plan to reduce hours), but yeah. It has just been a lot. Thanks for saying that, I need to hear it wasn’t just me being crazy.
Anonanonanon says
1. See above conversation- at least get a Roomba if you won’t hire cleaners!
2. As others have pointed out, you need more-than-full-time childcare. Your husband provides the “full-time” part. You need help with the rest. If cost is an issue, consider some kind of “mother’s helper” (though I guess it’s “father’s helper”) arrangements. Have someone come in the evening (4:30-7:30?) to play with the older kid, or hold the baby, and cook chicken nuggets while your husband takes a break or completes other household tasks. Have them clean up from dinner, get the dishwasher going, and put away some laundry while you two put the kids to bed. These are all things a highschooler would gladly do for $15/hr for 3 hours an evening that I imagine would make a huge difference. Have a frank conversation about covid precautions. If they’re only there for a couple of hours an evening, you can ask them to wear a mask and maybe you can open the windows to increase air circulation. Put out clorox wipes and ask them to wipe down the sink handles etc. that they have touched before they leave. I am high-risk and pretty COVID paranoid, and we have a nanny in the house.
3. Give yourself permission to stop nursing if it is not working for you.
At the end of the day, I’m sorry. This stinks. For everyone. No one can do all of this without help, and help is now a risk, and it is impossible to know what is best for our families because no one has the crystal ball. However, even if it means not meeting your savings goals or even tapping into savings, we save for emergencies, and this is an emergency. This is hopefully one of the worst times we will ever live through. It is OK to throw some money at this to save your family and your job.
Anooooooon says
I had forgotten about Roombas! Maybe that would take me two inches back from the edge of despair… It would probably be more effective if I didn’t have a three floor townhouse (maybe just get three?) but hey I’ll take anything at the moment.
Anonymous says
A roomba is not going to solve this for you. You really need more help on the childcare or household help front. Preferably an evening helper to do both but if you don’t want that, there are lots of lower risk ways to do that like meal delivery or sending out laundry but you can’t keep up the current pace. You will burn out and then neither you or your DH will be employed. Take control of the situation while you can. Covid risk isn’t the only concern. Your mental health matters too.
Anonanonanon says
Haha I posted about my cheaper robot vacuum I got above, in a 3-floor home also and considering one for every floor. Doesn’t fix everything, but it’s nice to feel like some kind of cleaning is getting done while I work.
Anonanonanon says
And yes, my Roomba suggestion was half serious half tongue-in-cheek. But please consider the rest of what I said. COVID is scary and it is real. I’m immunocompromised, I get the anxiety. However, having windows open and a masked teenager in your house to help a few hours an evening is about as low-risk a solution as you will find, and might make a world of difference.
Anon says
Or even have the teenager play with your kids outside. A cleaning service has to be in your house, but I don’t see why a babysitter has to, especially if they’re babysitting for just a couple hours at a time.
Anon says
My husband works biglaw and this is his life. He’s billing constsntly these days and has been busier than ever, he takes breaks here and there but he feels no guilt about seeing the kids for maybe an hour or two a day total. I stay home now as his practice has grown over the years. He gets to about 2100-2300 hours annually. How much are you expected to bill? Can you catch up on weekends?
You need help, if you can’t get help, you should find a different job. It’s not biglaw or bust and this career path is brutal if you want to see your kids. But so so many hugs, we have two kids and similar ages and the first year is brutal. It does get easier.
Anooooooon says
The first year is so brutal. If COVID had happened during my first I don’t know what I would have done. At least now I know that — eventually, one day (though maybe not soon) — the little one will require me to be less hands-on. Otherwise I might be looking for another job, which is sad because I normally love my job.
Hours requirement is 1900, which is typically really hard to meet in my group and that has always been ok. For this reason I’ve never really been a weekend warrior (unless gearing up for trial or something, but it was never my standard practice). But since my practice is hot right now, and the rest of the firm is cold, there’s a lot of pressure to make up for the fact that the rest of the firm is struggling by keeping our billables extra high. I had mat leave this year and ended up coming back early from it because there was just so much need in my group once COVID hit.
I might just go reduced schedule and dip into savings – maybe then I’ll be a rock star with a lower billable req rather than the weakest link where I am now (which is meeting but not exceeding my targets). I don’t think a nanny is a good fit for us but something has to give.
Anonymous says
Are you really billing at a 1900 hours pace right now, or something higher? I don’t think a 1900 hours pace should be taking over your life this way. Especially with the efficiency of being at home. Is there something else going on? Is the anxiety getting to you? Are you billing a lot more than that at the moment? What does your daily schedule look like (with times, etc.)? Maybe we all can help you troubleshoot.
Anooooooon says
You know, honestly I wrote it all out and then sat here for a long time thinking about how if I submitted it people were going to find a way to flay me for trying to go for a run on the weekend or something and would say I should just be using my weekends more to work, or using Instacart/meal service instead of grocery shopping even those I’ve tried those thing and they don’t work for me, and maybe someone would say I’m already sleeping so much what am I complaining about? So while I would like to troubleshoot, I’m not sure I’m thick skinned enough for that today. Suffice it to say I’m just working as hard as I can — I’m sure we all are — and its tiring. But either way my childless coworkers are able to bill a lot more than me, and will be able to do that no matter what, and that is really just its own weight regardless of whether I do my own grocery shopping or not.
3:55 Anon says
I am sorry I offended you. I really was saying that from a perspective of trying to help. Billing is hard. I do it, so I get it. It is all about maximizing your efficiency, and sometimes it can be easier for people who are objective outsiders to help. On another day when you’re feeling less down, it might be worthwhile to let folks weigh in on your schedule. In the meantime, hugs.
Anooooooon says
Nooooooo you didn’t offend I know you were trying to help. It wasn’t you I was worried about – just not everyone in this chain has been very kind or assumed the best. It was a nice offer, I’ve just realized it isn’t helpful for me to troubleshoot with internet strangers who (in general) don’t know all my circumstances/mitigating factors/whatever.
I have pretty good time tracking software and from an efficiency point of view I know I’m spending about 8 hours a week (about an hour and a half a day) pumping, nursing and attending to other kid-related stuff when I’m “supposed” to be working during the day. I also know that 6-8:30 pm (fam time, dinner, and bedtime) and the weekends (when my husband wants a break from being a solo parent so I spend more time watching the kids – there is usually only about an hour where they’re both napping) are hard to find working time. If I was 80% like I intended to be until things evened out with the new baby, my schedule would be comfortable for me, but as it stands I’m trying to always trying to squeeze in just one more hour of work a day, just a few more hours on the weekend, etc… Except today. Today I’ve been inefficient as all get out because instead of working I’ve been having a minor mental crisis.
I’ll try to get some sleep tonight and regroup and maybe tomorrow will be better.
Anon says
Curious how much your firm expects you to bill this year?
Pogo says
It’s so lovely having LO back at daycare. At pickup yesterday he made a point of asking for his last animal cracker – “Because I ate four, so I have one left!” – which was impressive from both a math and delayed gratification standpoint. I can only assume it was one of his caregivers who taught him that.
He also in detail explained the drawing he did and how “[Caregiver] helped me!” It’s so wonderful to hear him interacting with others and learning and growing, instead of constantly being in the background while I tell him to be quiet on my calls. I feel even worse I guess about how much we were ignoring him, but glad he’s bouncing back so quick.
Anon says
So smart! He’s barely 3, right? And that’s great to hear he’s happy to be back. We’re going back in a little over two weeks and I am counting the days like a kid anticipates Christmas! My daughter has had zero interaction with children except for saying hi to other kids at playgrounds since March. I know school will be a little weird at first with masks and distancing, but even with the changes I know that being in a structured classroom environment with a group of kids will be so good for her. Just hoping it sticks for at least a few months…
Cb says
Oh lovely, T is at the childminders a few days a week and it has made such a big difference. The childminders’ son is 8 and T loves big kids, they’ve been playing trains and talking about Thomas for hours. And he makes the childminder breakfast in the play kitchen each morning, and scams snacks from her husband, who is a chef at a very popular Indian chain. Just wish he’d bring home some snacks for us :)
I was a bit hesitant with the idea of a childminder, we’ve always used a big nursery, but we got lucky that there was someone with availability and she really is lovely.
Pogo says
Yes! He goes to a family daycare as well so he has his primary caregiver + her whole family (husband and two teenage daughters). One of the daughters especially is so good with him and he’s always talking about what she helped him do or what she taught them that day.
AnotherAnon says
This has also been our experience with our 3 y/o returning to day care. It warms my heart to watch him recount a sequence of events or solve a problem out loud. One bright spot in this pandemic is that I have been absolved of any working mom guilt. Kiddo is absolutely better off with his peers (and older kids) and trained professionals all day. Go figure. You’re going to have such a big helper brother on your hands when baby arrives!
FVNC says
Same! We relocated to a new city about a month ago, and started our 3 yr old at his new school after he’d been home for three months. It has been perfectly fine, but in the past week or so it’s been GREAT — he is excited to leave the house in the morning and zips into his classroom as soon as his teacher opens the door (not even a “bye mom!”). My 6 yr old is in camp and does complain a bit that it’s not as fun as her old camp “because of the virus” but at least she’s outside with other kids rather than in front of her ipad (although she might prefer the latter, ha).
COVID nanny says
Since it seems like there are definitely people on this board employing a nanny right now, can people share what their sick/vacation policies are?
We were not employing a nanny immediately pre-COVID but have done so in the past. We gave unlimited paid sick time because we didn’t want our nanny feeling pressure to work while sick. I think we would do the same if we were to hire a nanny now, and then 10 days paid vacation. But what do you do if the nanny chooses to fly somewhere for vacation? I’m thinking that we’ll require an unpaid 2-week quarantine (or partially paid w/vacation time) following that kind of trip. What do you put in your work agreement about COVID precautions? Ideally we would like for both our family & the nanny to be following the same rules (things like mask wearing, social distancing, no restaurants) and have good communication if either party does not so that the other can act accordingly. But what would that even mean? Two weeks unpaid if the nanny goes to a restaurant? Or a negative test I guess?
Anonymous says
If you’re so uptight you’d require a 2 week quarantine if your nanny eats outside at a restaurant you shouldn’t get a nanny. That’s insane and unreasonable.
Anon says
I think the vacation policy is reasonable, but the restaurant one is not. Restaurants, especially if you sit outdoors, aren’t that high on the risk spectrum according to most experts. It seems like a slippery slope where it seems like you really want her to just not interact with people outside her household, and if that’s what you want you should phrase it like that, not as “no restaurants.” Even in normal times, vacation is something that people do fairly infrequently, so I don’t think too many people would balk at being asked to quarantine after that.
Anon says
I don’t think you can ask your nanny to quarantine every time she eats at a restaurant. I mean, you can ask, but I don’t think you’ll find someone who will agree because even for someone who takes COVID seriously, a contract clause like that screams uptight and controlling. Rather than putting a list of restrictions in the contract, I think you need to just talk to candidates you’re interviewing and figure out what their life looks like these days. You get a sense pretty quickly when talking to people about how they approach COVID. If someone you’re interviewing talks about having outdoor socially distanced meetups with a few friends while they wear masks, or mentions that her summer vacation was a road trip to a lake cabin where she spent her days hiking and paddle boarding, that seems like someone who’s taking the situation pretty seriously and doing her best to minimize, if not eliminate, her risk. If she mentions hitting the bars and gym every weekend, then that’s probably not the right person for you. Also, quite frankly, the biggest risk likely comes from her household (are her kids in daycare? is her spouse a doctor or nurse? does she visit an elderly parent in a nursing home?) and it’s hard to get a complete picture of that without getting discriminatory. So I think to some degree you just have to accept that having a nanny is not non-zero risk, but is still probably safer than a lot of alternatives.
Anonymous says
You need to hire a nanny who is on the same page as you regarding safety and who is already avoiding restaurants for her own reasons. If you hire someone who is okay with restaurants when you are not, she’s going to go to restaurants and not tell you about it.
Anonanonanon says
^This. We has success asking open ended questions about what precautions people were taking in their personal lives.
Anon says
so we had a nanny pre covid who we still have and i think we got lucky in that we are on the same page re covid. she is being very very very careful and at the beginning was too scared to even get takeout! (we told her that we were getting takeout once a week). i suppose if i was more nervous about what she was going to do during her time off i would ask her to wear a mask, just like daycare teachers are doing
Anon says
Yep I think you can require masks and temperature checks, just like daycares do. I’ve also heard of daycares requiring students and staff to quarantine after travel, although usually it’s a bit more specific like “out of state travel” or “travel to a hotspot.”
Realist says
I don’t think it is unreasonable to ask the nanny to follow your family’s same precautions, including not eating at restaurants. Just be up front about it so that you can both determine if it is a good fit. They need to be trustworthy so you know they are truly committing and can disclose anything you need to know about. Some nannies might be happy to match with a like-minded family if they have health concerns. I think the nanny just has to agree “no restaurants” as I don’t see how a quarantine would make sense for one meal out and a quick test may not be available. For the vacation time, it is hard to imagine a nanny that would agree to no restaurants but would be ok with flying. So the unpaid quarantine seems reasonable if the expectation is laid out up front. But in my mind, you are looking for a nanny who is strictly quarantining on her own, has no desire to go out to restaurant, etc. So that nanny isn’t going to be flying to a vacation destination anytime soon. That nanny also may not exist, but it is not unreasonable to put your family’s health first and ask your nanny to do the same for your and her health.
Knope says
I’ll just speak to how we’ve been handling the COVID expectations issue with our nanny. Realistically, there is only so much control you can exert over someone else’s life. We have just been very clear about expectations for social distancing when she’s with our son, and justified those restrictions by saying that we are worried about exposure since I’m pregnant and my husband has asthma. We also framed our own practices – no restaurants, masks in public, etc. – in terms of “we want to let you know that we are taking these precautions so we can give you some reassurance as well.” I think this makes her more conscious about the decisions she’s making in her own life, and while I can’t guarantee she is practicing social distancing as rigorously as we are, I think knowing that we are worried about it probably makes her more careful. In the end, though, you need to accept some degree of risk if you get outside help.
COVID nanny says
Thanks, all, this is helpful. Just struggling a bit with figuring out nanny interviewing and hiring in these times (and trying to do it on top of taking care of young kids and working ft…although my circumstances are generally very privileged and I know I’m privileged to be able to consider hiring a nanny).
Anon says
You shouldn’t hire a nanny.
We have pretty open communication with ours. I think we’re basically on the same page? We have paid throughout including when nanny got COVID and had to quarantine. She picked it up despite being careful.
Anonanonanon says
Oh my goodness! Is she OK? Did she spread it to you all/are you OK?
Anon says
She is! I should have specified! She’s high so but we were nervous – but luckily was fine and didn’t spread to us because we happened to visit my nearby parents when she was contagious. So kind of you to ask!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1. This happened to a good friend of mine with a trusted Nanny. Fortunately, the friend/her family all tested negative.
Nanny was following distancing/masking in part because she has asthma and high-risk family members, but tested positive (and was asymptomatic) as well as all the others household, likely due to another family member’s 3+ hour visit at some point. Going to assume the family member who visited didn’t mask/distance and the nanny’s family trusted that this person was taking precautions when really they were not. I think the Nanny probably didn’t even think twice that the family member may have been misrepresenting (and likely that the family member visiting didn’t “count” certain outings or something). This virus is crazy.
Anon says
This is not an example of this virus being crazy. It’s completely normal to transmit a virus in the setting you describe (3+ hour indoor visit where you don’t try to keep any distance).
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I meant generally this whole COVID-19 situation, generally. Thanks for the edit!
Help! says
I’m hosting a virtual baby shower (ugh) and our one activity is going to be a trivia game – any ideas for trivia questions maybe about mom and dad (as kids or babies? I dunno)? I’m drawing a blank – this is hard!
Realist says
I think it could be fun to base some questions on childhood antics involving mom and dad, if you have access to the grandparents and they don’t mind sharing some of those parenting memories. Just get the most funny stories and base questions off them. Which parent did X as a child? Mom’s favorite technique to delay bedtime was A, B, C, or D? Mom was almost named what by her parents: A, B, C, or D? In 3rd grade, Dad was obsessed with which cartoon show?
anon says
Depending on the participants in the baby shower, some people (mom, sister, best friend) are going to know a lot more about the celebrated parents, and others may feel isolated by not being able to really participate.
If everyone knows each other pretty well, I’ve had fun playing a game where everyone sends in a baby picture, and then the guests try to match baby pictures to adults. Admittedly, that would feel weird if I’d never met a person and was just seeing them on Zoom.
You could also go for pop-culture references–parents from sitcoms, movies, songs, history, etc.
Jeffiner says
We posted pictures of celebrities who had had a baby recently, and people had to guess the baby name. Everyone had a lot of fun with it.
Pogo says
Guess the animal baby name – like a goose is a gosling, a fox is a kit, etc. That was surprisingly fun at one I ‘attended’.
Trivia about the parents I agree is tough if not everyone knows them as well.
Anonanonanon says
Hi! I hate virtual parties and any kind of party games, even at in-person parties! So, from a grump’s perspective, I agree the celebrity baby idea and guessing the names of animal babies is the least horrific option. I would haaaaaaate games involving people who are on the call. I feel uncomfortable just imagining it.
Realist says
Joe Biden releases a 4-point plan this week for America and point 3 sings to my heart:
“Mobilize American talent and heart to build a 21st century caregiving and education workforce which will help ease the burden of care for working parents, especially women. We’ve seen in this pandemic the immense burdens working parents, and especially women, carry in juggling their jobs and their caregiving responsibilities. We’ve learned anew how hard this work is, and how underappreciated those who do it are. Joe Biden will soon announce a plan to make it far easier to afford child care and to ensure aging relatives and people with disabilities have better access to home and community-based care; to elevate the pay, benefits, and professional opportunities for caregivers and educators; to create millions of good-paying new jobs in these areas with a choice to join a union; and to free up millions of people to join the labor force and grow a stronger economy in return.” https://joebiden.com/build-back-better/
Anonanonanon says
I mean, wasn’t Ivanka going to solve our working-woman childcare woes, too? I’ll believe it when I see it. I don’t realistically see how we’ll suddenly have an abundance of well-paid, unionized, happy caregivers AND have it be affordable for parents without subsidizing it through massive tax hikes on the wealthy that aren’t going to happen.
Realist says
I think the commitment here from Joe Biden, an actual candidate with government experience, can be taken a little more seriously than flippant statements from Ivanka. I’m definitely encouraged that Biden has made this a centerpiece of his campaign. And I think he gets caregiving in a way that most candidates don’t, mostly due to his son Beau having lost his 2-year fight with brain cancer in 2015. To me, one of his strongest traits as a candidate is his empathy for people struggling with personal situations. His empathy seems very genuine to me. I’ll believe the reform when I see it, but I also believe this platform is a real commitment to it.
avocado says
Our A/C died yesterday and it’s 95 degrees out, so our entire family (me, husband, 13 y/o, and large fluffy dog) is crammed into the one small room where we’ve installed an old window unit. Three of us are trying to work while the fourth tries to distract us by making cute faces and sticking her nose in our laptops. I hope the repair guy shows up as promised and can fix the system on the spot. I am going to go insane.
AnotherAnon says
I am so sorry you’re dealing with that. At work I effed up a really simple request and I have a huge project due EOB tomorrow. So I spent the entire morning fixing my little request, while listening to “Lowkey Fk 2020” on repeat. Now I’m getting started on huge project and it’s just a slog. I would like to be transferred to a new simulation, please.
DLC says
Ouch! Our AC broke at the start of the summer, before it got super hot and it was still miserable.
Maybe you all should take turns getting to be the one to make cute faces and stick noses in others’ laptops. :)
Recommendation for nanny agencies in NYC burbs says
Does anyone have recommendations for nanny agencies in the NYC burbs (more specifically – Rockland County, NY, just across the TZ/Cuomo)?
We’re expecting our first child in a few months, and the plan all along has been a nanny. We haven’t started looking yet but want to start dialogs with agencies soon since I’ll need to go back from mat leave in January.
anon follow up says
Hi, I wanted to follow up. I’m the gal who came here last week freaked out because after a long infertility and finally a successful IUI, our doctor told us the baby was measuring small and she was a little worried about it. We had our 8 week appointment today and baby is measuring right on track with a great heartbeat – she described it as “perfect!” I wanted to thank those of you who chimed in last week — I read and re-read what you wrote many times in the last week. Your perspective and wisdom helped this first-timer so much and I really want to thank you. Today I had a different doctor and she said “one move of the finger and the baby is measuring bigger” — which someone here had *already* told me last week and was a refrain in my head. Seriously, thank you. I’m so happy I could barf :0
rosie says
Congratulations, so happy for you!
Pogo says
oh yay!!!!! congrats!
chem now miscarriage says
It’s me, the poster who had a chemical pregnancy at the end of May, immediately got pregnant again – then at my 8 week appointment today, the embryo measured 6 weeks. I know my dates are spot on and my doctor told me to come back in 10 days, but I’m mentally preparing for a miscarriage. I’m just devastated. I’m turning 36, this baby would have been exactly 3 years younger than my first kid and I was so excited. My doctor made some noises about having two miscarriages in a row is troubling and took some blood. I thought I didn’t need to worry about that until it was 3. I just feel so lost and never expected any of this after having an issue-free first pregnancy and getting pregnant so easily this time around.
anon says
Hi dear, I’m the person just above you. I’m so sorry for the fear and anxiety you are feeling. Closing my eyes and sending you a hug, luck, and best wishes.
anon says
It said I submitted too quickly so if this is a duplicate, my apologies, but I’m the person who p0sted right above you and I’m so sorry for the fear and anxiety you are feeling. I am sending you hugs, lots of luck, and best wishes.
Anon says
Hi, probably too late to catch you today, but in case you check back, I wanted to say I’m so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I had a couple of miscarriages before my first, and then dealt with 5 years of secondary infertility before conceiving my second at 36. Don’t lose hope just yet. Please be gentle with yourself and take time to grieve if you need it.
RDC says
Just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this, too. I had three M/Cs and the doctor I had during the first two just kind of shrugged and said these things happen. Changed doctors and when the third MC happened they moved straight to do bloodwork, etc. It turns out my issue was pretty easily fixable with meds and I now have two kids and am pregnant with our third. All that to say – it’s not bad to do the bloodwork, I wish we did it earlier. Whatever you decide I wish you the best during this difficult time.