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I think ponte is my favorite workwear material. It’s comfortable and breathable, and even when it’s low priced it still disguises well as high quality. Usually I’ll find it in a blazer or a dress, but these pants seem to be a real jackpot. They have a lot of elements that I really like in pants — high waist, elastic band (woo!), cropped length, and of course, black. I also am completely in love with pintucked creases. They lengthen the leg and add interest but don’t need ironing. At $168 at Shopbop, these are a little pricier than what I usually allow myself, but for all of the listed reasons, I think I need to own them. Ponte Pintucked Pants A plus-size option is from NYDJ at Zappos. Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear.Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
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Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Play dates for school-aged kids says
When my kids were little, they were in daycare. We didn’t really do many play dates b/c they spent all week with their “friends.” On weekends, we’d get together with our friends and family, some which had children who’d also come over to play.
Now that my kids are in school, in a public school coming from neighborhoods our kids can’t walk to (our ‘hood seems to be mainly people with much older kids or babies and not much in between), they can’t really meet up with their friends. And many friends go home (to mom or a nanny) after school or stay at the school’s after school program. I am wondering if I am going to be the playdate intermediary . . . forever?
At their age (8 and 9), I was in a dense NE suburban neighborhood where I could roam unsupervised and find tons of neighborhood kids to hang out with (so I was used to not hanging out with my BFFs, any handy kid was OK and going to a BFF’s house was special and likely parent-assisted b/c they never seemed to live conveniently).
So, what works for you? What are good ideas? What can make this a little more organic for the kids and less a just another mommy task?
One thing that works is having friends over for a movie on Friday while the parents stay for wine. We invite the parents we like with kids our kids know (not necessarily BFFs). On Friday we’re too tired for anything else.
Anon says
I agree, it’s so hard! I wish my kids could just go out in the neighborhood after dinner and just come home at dark. It just doesn’t seem to happen anymore, and I think that’s a big detriment for our kids.
Is there a neighborhood park you can “frequent” so they can get to know local kids? Otherwise I’ve noticed that playing in the front yard makes a big difference. As families go on an evening walk, my kids will yell hello from their bikes and then the family stops to talk. And many nights, we’re the walking family who makes an effort to stop and talk to any family with close-in-age kids. As my kids get older, we also let them ride bikes themselves without us, and just tell them to stick together and be home by X time. The oldest has a phone watch so I know they can call if they need us.
I’ve also worked with the PTA to schedule after-school playdates. (Need to get out of the house? Drop-in playdate at Smith Park, Thurs at 6:30-7:30pm!) The turnout is never great, but in the fall and spring you will get a couple families who will show up at a park at the same so the kids can play together.
Anonanonanon says
Not to derail the thread, but what kind of phone watch do you use? I’m looking for something similar for my 8 year old. Can it make or just receive calls? Now that I have two kids it would be nice to be able to drop him off at sports practice once in a while (and stay close by, of course) instead of sitting there outside with the baby.
avocado says
For sports practice, does he need to be able to call you? If practice ends at a scheduled time, you should be able to come back and pick him up at that time. We have been dropping our kid off for practice since she was around 6, most of that time without a phone. Even now that she has a phone, she doesn’t like to take it with her to practice because she’s not allowed to use it and she’s afraid it will be stolen from her bag. If something urgent comes up (which almost never happens) she calls from the facility’s landline or has a coach call or text a parent.
Anonanonanon says
It seems to vary whether or not they actually go until the scheduled time. It also rotates locations, in some of the fields the lighting is sufficient to keep going after sundown and in others it’s not. Sometimes the coach calls it when it gets dark and other times they don’t, it just seems to depend (also if it’s cold, etc.). Around here parents don’t seem to drop kids off and leave, at least in our sport, though they may carpool and the driving parent stays for the practice.
avocado says
Ugh, that would drive me nuts. My kid’s sport is indoors and parents are strongly encouraged to leave. Also practice is so long that very few parents have time to stay.
Anon says
We have Verizon, so the GizmoPal2. It’s not perfect, but it works. You can program up to 4 numbers that can call the watch or be called by the watch. The biggest downside is that we set it to “quiet” during the school day. That means that the watch just blinks a bit with an incoming call so my kid doesn’t see it, it doesn’t vibrate or anything. And the battery life is not as advertised, we need to charge it every night. I also don’t love that it doesn’t display the time, it just announces it with a button push.
I think we should probably upgrade to the Gizmo Gadget now that she is older, so maybe some of this would be fixed. But it was a good basic phone watch for $5/month when Kiddo was small, our home life went through some turmoil, and it changed daily who was picking her up from school (or if she was riding the bus). It helped to be able to call her and tell her where to go, or to use the GPS to find her if communication wires got crossed. In fact, I’m likely getting one for Youngest Kiddo next month when school starts so he can feel Big Like His Sister.
Anonanonanon says
I don’t have any advice but I am interested to hear responses. My son is 8 and I feel stuck in the same predicament. He attends before/after school care at an off-site program (where he also does summer camp), and is in a sport for a good chunk of the year, so weekdays are generally a no-go. A lot of the moms where we live don’t work (which is surprising for a DC suburb) and don’t want to get together on weekends because “that’s the only time we have to spend as a family!” Once or twice a friend’s stay-at-home-mom has offered to pick up my son from the car line and have him over after school, but I always feel bad because I can’t reciprocate.
I think (and hope) we’re getting past the age where it’s necessary for the parents to like.. sit there during a play date or even be present for it. This school year I’m going to try to be a bit more aggressive in terms of scheduling things (things always seem to be “we should do blah blah blah” then never materialize). I’m going to offer up activities where the other parent doesn’t have to come. For example “(Son) wants to see (movie), and we’re planning to go at 2:00 on Saturday. He would love if (friend) joined us. If he’s free, we’d love to pick him up, bring him to the movie, grab some pizza after, then bring him home!” Now that kids are out of carseats etc., I think it’s less of a production to take them somewhere for an activity.
avocado says
Definitely not necessary for parents to stay for play dates at this age! Just the opposite–parents often appreciate a little kid-free time to get things done. Your movie idea is perfect. And I totally agree re. car seats, although it’s helpful to have an extra backless booster on hand for the shorties.
Anonymous says
Parents don’t need to stay for a play date beyond nursing days!
Anonymous says
No, but I like to have fun for me, too. I know some of the grownups well and feel that we don’t need to supervise at this age but can go relax and unwind by ourselves elsewhere in the house or outside on our deck.
So a mix of drop offs and come hang and just bring your kids with you so they can entertain themselves.
lawsuited says
Re: feeling bad for taking another mom up on an offer of an after-school playdate. You may not be able to reciprocate in kind with after-school playdates, but you can certainly show your appreciation in another way. Maybe pick up some bagels or a bottle of wine for the other mom. Or ask if there’s some other errand you can perform for her on your way to pick up your kid that would’ve been tricky for her with kids in tow (pick up drycleaning, etc.) Or send your kid to school with the “afternoon snack” for him and his friend so that the other mom doesn’t have to make it for them after school. Or offer to have her kid over for a sleepover when the other mom and her spouse would like a date night. There are a lot of ways moms can help each other.
Anonymous says
Great suggestions! Also, having your child over to keep her child busy might be a bigger help for her than you realize.
Sydni says
How do you all get the contact info for other parents to arrange playdates? I’m always dropping off and picking up at times where I don’t run into other parents and my boys seem unable to get a phone number or e-mail from their friends or give them mine. When they were little I tried mommy groups and classes, but never clicked with the other moms who were mostly stay-at-home and wanted to get together on weekdays. My husband and I had kids well before most of our friends did, and our siblings with kids live in other states, so there are no built-in friends around.
avocado says
My kid is 11 and our challenges are similar. A few of her friends live in our subdivision, but over a mile away and in her peer group it’s not the norm for kids just to walk over and knock on each other’s doors. They are all busy, high-achieving kids who play travel sports and have a lot of family commitments, so schedules require lots of advance coordination. We are in transition from arranging “hanging out” with the other parents (we are no longer allowed to call it a “play date”) to having the kids arrange things on their own via text. Even when the kids do the actual communicating, parental involvement is required for schedule approval and transportation. The school friend group spends a lot of time together during the school day because they tend to be in many of the same classes, have lunch together, and participate in the same activities. The sports friend group spends several hours a day together at practice, several days a week. Both groups also constantly interact by group text.
One of the moms in the school friend group arranged a summer book club that has been going strong for several years. Meetings are held at the same time every weekend, with hosting duties rotating. Whichever kids happen to be in town that week show up to discuss the book for half the time and goof off for the rest of the time. Other successful get-togethers have been meet-ups at the neighborhood pool, movie nights, and cookie-baking. Sleepovers are very popular, but I detest them because they invariably turn my kid into a whiny, sleep-deprived mess for the next three days.
We are either friendly with or genuine friends with the parents of most of my daughter’s closest friends. With those families, once in a while we get together with the entire family and often it’s just the kids. Family get-togethers are usually at the pool, a restaurant, the museum, a minor league sports game, a concert, etc. rather than at someone’s house. Our house is tiny and not really suited to hosting social gatherings. Sometimes we’ll go out to dinner with another family and then one family will take both kids home for a sleepover.
One easy way to let the kids spend tons of time together is to send them off to summer camp with a friend or in a group.
Anonanonanon says
OK I LOVE this book club idea! I mean, the idea of actually organizing/implementing it myself stresses me out so I wouldn’t, but I think it’s such a cute idea!
Anonymous says
I wish we didn’t call “busy with travel sports” “high achieving.”
Anonymous says
I read it as two separate descriptions of the kids: 1) high-achieving and 2) busy with sports. I agree they’re not synonymous.
avocado says
Yes, that’s what I meant. The point is that they are choosing to spend a lot of their free time on academic and extracurricular pursuits. E.g., one of her friends studied to win the spelling bee and also starred in the school play. He is a busy kid.
Anonymous says
Or kids are just busy — if you have >1 kid, you are often just zooming around even if they do precious few activities. They need new sneakers, have to go to the dentist, need haircuts, etc. The tasks never end.
To wit: we live across the street from a family with 4 kids and a SAHM. They are never around. They are always somewhere doing something and it is more acute in the summer, so I haven’t seen them this month. In theory, the youngest 2 could play with my 2, but that has happened all of one time.
It doesn’t help that I work, but even if I stayed home / worked from home / worked PT, I’d be in the same boat.
anon says
I struggle with this too but from a slightly different angle. I feel like my 6 y/o gets plenty of play-with-friends time at summer camp and in his after school program, and selfishly, I don’t want to be bothered with play dates on the weekend. We are not quite ready for him to roam the neighborhood without supervision and most of the neighborhood boys are several years older and are into things that we are not ready for him to do yet (video games, four wheelers, etc.). The one kid his age is nice enough, but we just do not click with the parents. And because we also have a preschooler who wants to do everything her big brother is doing, whenever my son does have a friend over, we still have to supervise because she is in the mix. I try to enforce playing outside as much as possible when other kids are over so I don’t have to get involved as much, but mostly, I feel guilty at the number of times I say no to my son about playing with other kids on the weekends. I know once he is a few years older and can roam, it will get better, but for now, I just feel like a jerk for making him hang out with just us on the weekends.
Anonymous says
I have had success taking mixed-aged kids on baby hikes (more like a walk in the woods on a flat-ish trail) and having snacks. Everyone can walk, right? And having a task (and then snacks) helps. So you can spend time with your family, not have to overly supervise, and they get to bring along a friend.
#selfishly trying to get more exercise for me while keeping my kids off the TV and from messing up the house
MNF says
Not sure if you’ll read this but when I was a kid, I used to go home on the bus with my friends and my parents would pick me up after work. My mom worked from home sometimes, so friends would come home with me other days. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I realized that these were not play-dates, but rather child-care. (I always went to J’s house on Mondays after school, and J always came to my house on Fridays after school). Maybe there are other moms you could trade days with?
Anon says
Following. And also wondering – does anyone’s husband ever worry about these things? I feel like I am the only one ever thinking about play dates or how to get some kid-free time or even talking to other parents about realistic plans that involve both our kids. I feel like if I didn’t do this we would never go out and our kid would be friendless. I grew up like the OP and was finding my own playmates by the time I was 6 but this isn’t how it works anymore I guess. This constant struggle to arrange kid’s social life is draining.
AIMS says
Can we talk about light sleeping babies? My youngest (6 mos.) is the lightest sleeper in the world. He will wake up from a bird chirping at the window. He’s okay at night when my older kid is asleep but during daytime when she’s around this means that his naps are 20-45 min. long nine times out of ten. Is this just how he is? Will he grow out of it? We have a white noise machine and try to put him to sleep in the back bedroom where it’s quitest but would love any other tips.
Anonymous says
Maybe some soft music, too? We have a crib aquarium in addition to a white noise machine that kiddo falls asleep to. You’d probably need something different than the aquarium because it only plays music for 30 minutes and then auto shuts off.
Leatty says
He might still grow out of it. At his age, my daughter was a horrible napper. She typically only napped twice a day for 20-30 minutes each, and she’d wake up frequently during the night. Now, at 13 months, she sleeps so much harder. At daycare, she naps 1.5 hours (even when other kids are awake and moving around), and at home, she will nap for up to 3 hours. We don’t vacuum upstairs when she is napping, but we otherwise go about our business.
Pogo says
+1, I agree with this.
Also, white noise. It may be purely a placebo but if I’m worried about something waking my son I will set my phone to play “baby sleep white noise” on repeat next to his crib – so it never shuts off during the entirety of his nap.
Anonymous says
Have you tried leaving him alone for a few minutes if he wakes up after a short nap? At that age my son would often wake at the end of his 40ish minute sleep cycle and fuss a bit, but if I left him alone–could take up to 10 minutes, but he was really only half awake–he’d go back to sleep. (It took me a while to figure this out – finally the daycare provider tipped me off).
AwayEmily says
It may be just how he is…my first took mostly 40-minute naps until she was 9 months or so and daycare basically trained her into longer ones. My 6-month-old regularly sleeps for at least an hour at a time, and we didn’t do anything different with him.
BUT in terms of things to try in the short term…I don’t know what white noise machine you have, but we have both the Dohm and the LectroFan and the LectroFan is a *lot* better at masking noises (especially loud sudden noises like dishes banging, toddlers screaming, etc). You can turn it up louder than the Dohm, too.
Carine says
Do you have the regular LectroFan, the micro, or the Kinder? Do you keep it on for the duration of the nap or all night? With our older kids we just used the Sleep Sheep on a short timer but the baby seems to sleep very lightly/wake much easier and might benefit from something more. Trying to figure out the best option for a white noise machine.
AwayEmily says
We have the regular LectroFan (one for each kid) and we keep it on during all naps and throughout the whole night. I am a big fan — we travel with it as well. I do think it can become a pretty powerful sleep cue, which for us is mostly a good thing — our kids hear the white noise and they are OUT. It was super helpful when my son transitioned to daycare. The first couple of days he was having trouble napping, and then we asked them to put some white noise by his crib and that day he slept for two hours (and has been fine since). But I can see that if you needed your kids to be able to take naps in different places/situations, it could be annoying to have to drag white noise everywhere.
AIMS says
We have a lectrofan but I haven’t noticed a huge difference. It actually puts me to sleep more than him but maybe I need to play around with the settings.
Carine says
Thanks!
lawsuited says
It’s pretty great that your LO is napping in a crib at 6 mo. After the 4 mo sleep regression until about 8 months, our LO wouldn’t stay asleep past one 40 minute sleep cycle unless he was in the ergobaby carrier. He slept like a dream in his crib at night from 5.5 months with very minimal sleep training but daytime naps were another story. At 8 months, when we decided he had to start napping in his crib, he still woke up after 40 minutes but we left him in his crib until he fell asleep again or until he’d been in his crib for an hour whichever was first. (He naps in his crib really well now, even at daycare.)
Anonymous says
I’m sure some of you wise ladies have been here and can provide advice. I have a close friend who had her first baby within a month of me having my first. We’ve been talking a lot since we got pregnant and in some ways she’s been a great source of support. But she’s so…competitive is the word, I guess? I hear a lot about how her baby is hitting every single milestone early and why isn’t my baby doing X yet and aren’t I worried etc. My baby doesn’t seem behind on anything significant (and her pediatrician has expressed zero concerns) but talking to this friend makes me feel really badly about my baby’s development and my parenting. I have tried changing the subject but lately it feels like every conversation is just her bragging about her baby doing everything under the sun. Any advice? It’s getting to the point where I feel like I have to distance myself for my own sanity, but that bums me out, especially because I don’t have many mom friends.
Lana Del Raygun says
Ugh, I’m sorry. I know this is cliche, but it sounds like she’s feeling insecure. Have you tried asking her to cut it out, either a light-hearted “Hey, it’s not a competition” or a “Listen, Angie, I feel like lately you’ve been comparing Molly and Polly a lot and it’s really bumming me out”?
Anonymous says
+1 to this. If you are at the point of being ready to distance yourself, I don’t think you have much to loose.
Anonanonanon says
Ugh that is honestly the worst. It’s one thing to be proud of your kid, but turning everything into a competition is insane. Especially things like sitting or rolling over… let’s get real, in the grand scheme of things is that even really brag-worthy?? It’s just obnoxious. I don’t have a problem with “omg (little one) is sitting up now, I can’t believe our babies are growing so fast!” but turning it into a competition is just the worst.
I don’t blame you for wanting to distance yourself. Lana’s advice is definitely the mature and healthy way to go, but I’m not going to lie, I’d probably do a slow fade out of this friendship
ginger hb says
We had two sets of friends like this. One stopped doing it after a while because the milestones become less linear or less obvious as they get older (for example, when and how fast kids develop speech is all over the place). The other keeps it up and, frankly, we rarely see them. Yes, it can be a bummer but it’s necessary for our own sanity.
BPS says
+ 1 to this, too. With time being more precious now, I find me and DH are fine just saying “No, don’t want to hang out with them” vs. worrying about keeping up appearances. It’s liberating.
BPS says
Hey Anon! I have a 8 month old, and I cannot stress the importance of cutting out/minimizing this kind of interaction for your own mental health. Also, maybe try to re-direct to NON-baby things – like “haha okay enough kid talk…how are you?” It sounds like she’s projecting her own insecurities on you. And there is SO MUCH VARIATION on babies and how they grow. My son is ahead/early on almost all milestones, SUPER active, throws down solids like a boss (for now), but is sooo slow to gain weight. Like not even on the curve, and the doctor doesn’t care as long as he’s gaining.
Not the same, but relevant — I have a really close friend who has a daughter about a year older than my son, and anytime I’d ask her anything, she’d brush it off like it was never a problem or challenge for her – breastfeeding, sleep training, etc. She even acts like giving birth was not a big deal when my husband and I drove her to the hospital and I remember her IN labor and IN pain (which is NORMAL!!!!) It is only when her husband says things to me or my husband about their daughter when we realize she’s glossing over and a little full of sh*t.
Anon in NYC says
I think it’s hard as a first-time parent to an infant to just be chill about these things. I struggled with comparing my kid to others when she was really young because the milestones are so obvious: rolling, sitting, crawling, talking, walking, etc. Of course, I wasn’t so obtuse as to constantly talk about it or put another infant down for not doing something that my kid could do.
And really, comparisons never stop. One of my friends kids woke up multiple times a night until she was 14 months while my kid was sleeping through the night at 3 months. But her kid is fully potty trained and mine refuses to poop on the toilet. So really, it’s all a wash in the end.
Since this is a close friend, I’d ignore her comments. Or, if I was feeling really snappish, I’d say something like, “her pediatrician says she’s perfect, so I’m not concerned.”
Anon says
I would take these comments as coming from two places: (1) she probably has some anxiety about doing everything right so that her baby hit their milestones and (2) she probably is wholly amazed at everything her baby is doing. I wouldn’t take these comments as competition so much as venting. She is both enthralled and anxious. To the extent you can turn the conversation around, I’d focus on how fun it is to experience these milestones and what milestones she is looking forward to next.
lawsuited says
A lot of new moms really cling to milestones for a sense that their baby is fine and they are doing a good job as moms. My bet is that your friend falls into that camp. She gets a lot of comfort and satisfaction from the fact that her baby is meeting milestones, but if she hasn’t been on the other side of that then she may not realize that asking another mom who’s baby is not meeting milestones as quickly about milestones constantly is stressful for that other mom.
Either have a kind and open discussion with her about why discussing the milestones of your baby is important for her so that you can uncover whatever is going on, or say something along the lines of “I don’t really like talking about milestones with anyone but my pediatrician. I really love talking about other baby and mom things with you.” Don’t just chuck your friend – people you already know and like who are going through the same experience you are as a new mom are really not that easy to find.
GCA says
Lots of good advice already: 1) it really is about her own anxiety or insecurity, 2) many parents gloss over the difficulties or have parent amnesia about how hard things are. I know it’s easier said than done, but please don’t feel bad about your parenting or your child’s development! These milestones aren’t really within your control, and in the grand scheme of things a few months’ difference doesn’t really matter. If it helps, you could just sort of drift away for a few months (you have a good excuse – hey, working families are busy!), then check in again. Or stick to socializing in a group rather than one-on-one for a while.
And who knows – if it makes you feel any better, karma might bite back. Eg. my now 3yo was…not the greatest sleeper. 2-4 wakeups a night, literally didn’t sleep through the night till 20 months. And then turned around and boom! was potty trained in a couple weeks at age 2. (I fully recognize we just lucked out on that front, but it’s very tempting to ‘brag’ about it to people who gloated about their kid being a good sleeper early on!)
Anonymous says
Just needing some words of encouragement this morning. I’m 6 months pregnant and feeling miserable already. My weight has really been skyrocketing the past month, despite eating the same. I’m getting pretty gnarly stretch marks already, and my whole body hurts. I can’t sleep and the heat is killing me, especially commuting on the subway. Two of my four work-appropriate maternity dresses just shrunk in the wash, so it’s only Wednesday and I’m repeating outfits. I just waddled to my desk feeling like I crawled out of a swamp.
Trying to exercise, do prenatal yoga, stay super hydrated. But I just feel a mess. Is it true some women have mega growth spurts in the second trimester and then slow down in the third? I don’t see how I can continue to grow at this rate. How are there still three months of this?
Anon says
Yep it’s true. I gained about 20 pounds in the second trimester and lost two in the third. It’s pretty common for weight gain to slow down or even stop towards the end. Unfortunately your belly keeps getting bigger no matter what the scale says.
Mama Llama says
Totally normal! I have nothing but sympathy for you, having just gone through this myself. And like Anon above, I also had much more weight gain in the second tri than the third. I hope you feel better soon, and if not just remember that this doesn’t last forever.
If you’re looking for suggestions here are a few ideas that might help. (If you’re just looking to vent, please disregard.)
– Getting some kind of maternity support band for you hips and/or belly can really help with pain in the back, hips, and pelvis. I’ve used the Better Binder and the Sirola belt with good results. For upper back and shoulder pain try a self-massage with a Theracane, which I have found works shockingly well – even better than a massage from a therapist.
– Is there any potential for telework or increasing your telework? Even avoiding the sweltering subway commute one day a week was huge for me.
– Get online and order replacements for your dresses, and maybe one extra. Is there a dry cleaning delivery service accessible to you? If so, try to get on a rotation with your work clothes, and don’t worry about repeats as long as everything is clean and reasonably work appropriate.
– Exercise and yoga are great, but there could be times when your body needs extra rest more than activity. Or maybe just floating in a pool somewhere. Be kind to yourself!
– For sleep, do whatever you need to do to try to get more comfortable. For me, that meant moving into the guest room with a selection of gigantic pregnancy pillows and a fan. In my first pregnancy I felt guilty about wanting to sleep apart from my husband. This time around it was like, see you in 5 months dude.
Lana Del Raygun says
Ugh I feel you! I have a sweaty commute too and it’s pretty terrible. Can you bring a bottle of ice water and sip it very slowly?
Em says
I gained 49 pounds in the first two trimesters and one pound in the third. I lost all but 15 pounds within the first month of giving birth. The last 10 hung on until I weaned a year later, but my body was basically back to normal by 18 months (I lost a cup size in my b**bs, but otherwise everything mostly went back in place).
Anonymous says
Seriously, what’s the deal with the smaller b**bs?
–very small to begin with
Em says
Same! I went from a B cup to an A cup, but was unfortunately in denial/clueless and wearing my old (now too big) bras for months.
RDC says
Yes! I went from barely A to … nearly concave. If only I were joking.
lawsuited says
I feel you. My hourly mantra is “this is my last pregnancy. I will never be pregnant again.”
Pregnant women are free to abandon their usual dress codes in the summer. The heat is so rough. Ice water in a Swell bottle should help on your commute.
Schedule regular pre-natal massages to help with your body pain. Although the effects are non long-lasting it adds to my sense of well-being because someone is taking care of my body while my body all but abandons me to take care of my baby.
Lana Del Raygun says
Also, are you commuting in cooler clothes and changing in the office? That’s what I’m doing (at least for shirts) and it makes a big difference to how cool I am on the bus and to how I feel when I actually get it. Here’s one: http://us.asos.com/asos-maternity/asos-design-maternity-t-shirt-with-give-me-your-seat-print-in-black/prd/9811121
Pogo says
This is a good idea. I had a summer baby and the hardest thing for me was all the extra sweating from my bra. I would totally commute in a stretchy sports bra and t-shirt that you can sweat through, and then change into a real bra and outfit at the office.
And telework if possible.
AwayEmily says
Yes it is true! In both my pregnancies I gained the vast majority of my weight in the second trimester. I think my first pregnancy I gained 1 pound in the last 3 months. Second pregnancy it was maybe 5 pounds. And it was not a result of any conscious restriction — I was just super hungry during the second trimester, and less hungry later on. So, trust your body.
rosie says
Hugs. Can you pick up a few more warm-weather items that you can wear to work (maybe check Old Navy for good deals)? Maybe getting a little wardrobe refresh would help.
Anonymous says
No advice but just want to say I am in the same place with a similar friend whose kid is a month older than mine. We’ve slow faded but I still see a lot of stuff on Facebook that makes me roll my eyes. They were bragging about reading chapter books to him at three months and they put him in a convertible carseat just after a year (for a small-to-average sized toddler).
Anonymous says
Ha wait how do you brag about reading chapter books TO your kid? How is that in any way the child’s accomplishment? Congrats, your kid can lie there and be read to?
GCA says
OMG, dying. Hey, I read the Economist out loud to my baby when he was 6 weeks old. In my defense I was a little bored on maternity leave and it happened to be lying around. I also read him all the baby sleep books we’d bought in a vain attempt to lull him to sleep.
Sarabeth says
Totally. I read my kid victorian novels at that age…because they were relevant to my academic work and I was desperate to keep using my brain while on maternity leave. She sure didn’t know the difference.
Anon at 10:15 says
LOL, thank you! This makes me feel much better :D
Anonymous says
Seriously! I read my daughter A Gentleman in Moscow when she was a newborn because that was what I was reading and content doesn’t matter at all at that age, but I would never act like she was gifted because I read her an adult book.
Walnut says
I’ll be honest, I didn’t read to my newborns, but I sure did expose them to the back seasons of literally every show on Bravo.
BPS says
Oh I read to my baby (not chapter books), used the hell out of my kindle app (for myself), and SO MUCH TV. I came back to work caught up on EVERYTHING. A friend and I joke that we both became die-hard fans of “The View” during mat leave. Like, I HAD to watch it.
Lana Del Raygun says
I generally don’t like slogan-y maternity t-shirts (please slap me if I ever refer to myself as a “preggersaurus”) but I just found one on Asos that says “GIVE ME YOUR SEAT” in huge letters and I’m kind of mad I didn’t get it in time for this weekend’s long bus trip. :P
Anonymous says
I think 9:19 Anon needs it for her commute! And maybe then change into work clothes at work? I definitely played the pregnant card at work over the summer late in pregnancy. Flip-flops around the office when I wouldn’t see clients, more casual breathable dresses, etc. I think arriving and then changing during your third trimester combined with an insanely hot summer after a subway commute is more than 100% acceptable.
GCA says
oh my word, I needed that shirt yesterday. Apparently I don’t look pregnant from the front. Or the side. At 37 weeks. At least, not to people on the subway staring at their phones.
PS: get a large container of baby powder now…not for the baby. For yourself. Apply to prevent boob sweat/ thigh-chafe before those sweaty commutes.
Anonymous says
People staring at their phones is the main culprit. I’ve started tapping on the shoulder of whatever 20-year-0ld man is sitting in the courtesy seats and saying “Could you please offer me your seat? I think I may be more pregnant than you are.”
rosie says
While I agree that it is deplorable how many people take seats (including the courtesy ones!) and then become oblivious to the world around them, a gentle reminder that you cannot see every reason why someone might need that seat. I would generally do a loud “can someone let me sit down” if someone didn’t quickly get up on her (let’s face it) own.
Anonymous says
Just laughed out loud. I so wish I had the guts to do that when I was pregnant.
lsw says
Oh man, that one is so good. I’m also not generally slogan-y at all, but I did pick up a “world’s okayest mom” shirt after giving birth.
Lana Del Raygun says
LINK: http://us.asos.com/asos-maternity/asos-design-maternity-t-shirt-with-give-me-your-seat-print-in-black/prd/9811121
AIMS says
I always wanted to make some equivalent of a ribbon to communicate to people that “yes, this person is pregnant and you should definitely give them your seat.”
Anonymous says
This is the only thing about being pregnant that is better in the summer than the winter – coats make it really hard to tell. I used to strategically unzip mine when I got on the subway so the belly was fully visible.
Anon says
I love how the UK gives you a “Baby on Board” button for the tube so there is no question and people have to give you a seat.
Carry me says
My daughter is almost 2.5 and recently she wants carried/picked up all the time. I’m 8 months pregnant so it’s hard to do and I know I shouldn’t baby her but if I say no she has a total melt down. She looks so pathetic and sad standing there crying with her arms up and I feel so bad saying no. Any ideas why she is acting like this all the sudden and what I can do to stop it? I’m worried she is in for a rude awakening when baby comes.
Anonymous says
Mine does the same. One thing that can work for me is to try to distract her/turn walking into something silly (a race, say tickle crab is going to chase her, ask her if she can hop on one foot). Sometimes that’s enough if you make what you want her to do seem like a game. Per all the books you can also try giving her a choice, such as “I know you want to be carried but I can’t carry you. do you want to walk, or go in the stroller? or do you want to hold mommy’s hand, or her purse?” That strategy has not worked as well for me because my kid is just like “uh I already don’t you I don’t want to walk.” final suggestion is maybe she just wants some extra hugs/love, so if you get down on her level and give her some hugs maybe you’ll be more successful at distracting her with strategy one.
anon. says
This. I wouldn’t just say no. How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen talks about this a lot – it gets recommended a lot on this board, for good reason. Distract and make it fun. It takes a small amount of mind energy but a lot less emotional energy. “I’m going to march like a dinosaur! Hope you’ll join me!” “I’m going to go find hide behind this door, maybe you can look for me!”
Anonymous says
I told my son at about that age that the doctor told me I wasn’t allowed to pick up big, heavy boys any more. It actually worked — he takes the doctor’s advice much more seriously than his parents’!
HSAL says
Pretty much the same for us. My daughter was a little older than that at the end of my pregnancy, but she understood that I couldn’t pick her up or get down on the floor with her. So we substituted her sitting on what was left of my lap, or bringing her toys to the ottoman so I could play with her toys while sitting on the couch.
Anonymous says
Similarly, I told my 3 year old that I have an owie and the doctor says I can’t carry anyone right now. (True – was given a lifting restriction of 20 lb and he’s 40.). He got it right away and yells at me on the rare occasion when I HAVE to lift him for safety reasons. We do get the “I can’t walk!” when he doesn’t want to go somewhere, like to the kitchen in the morning, but he doesn’t ask to be carried. We do a lot of animal-walks (can you run like a zebra, if you can’t walk?). And a lot of seated snuggles.
Anonymous says
Say no every time. Spend more time cuddling sitting down.
Anonymous says
+1 I bend down to my child’s level and hug them.
Discussing Parenting Styles with Partner? says
My spouse and I are trying to decide if we want to try to have a kid. One thing that I’m nervous about is that I can foresee us having different parenting styles based on how we were both raised and how we both treat our cat currently (for example, I can envision him being more lenient on rules and wanting to spoil the kid more, whereas I think I’ll likely be more strict on maintaining schedules/rules and want the kids to understand they can’t have everything they want and that’s okay).
Are there any websites, books, or other resources we could check out together that would help us have productive conversations about what we envision our parenting style to be and how to bridge differences (if it turns out we do have different ways of approaching parenting)? In short, how did you approach this conversation with your partner? Any advice?
Or, am I overthinking this? Is a lot of parenting determined by the kid’s demeanor, such that trying to coordinate on parenting styles now is not helpful? Thanks!
oil in houston says
you’re not over thinking this. there is a reason why the majority of divorces happen when kids are under 2. Getting aligned on core values and behaviours is very important. My advice would be, talk, talk, talk. Read parenting books and discuss what resonates with you, both in terms of what you would or wouldn’t do, and try to find common grounds. Of course, this can be done during pregnancy, but finding out how you will deal with differences is important.
as far as deciding whether to go for it or not, the key thing is to both be willing to talk about it and find a common way, the details can come later imho.
good luck
Anonymous says
Is that really true about the divorces before age 2? Anecdotally I would say the most common times I’ve seen are when kids are in preschool/early elementary school or after they’ve left home. The latter is actually a big fear of mine because I feel like DH and I don’t have much in common anymore besides the kids.
CPA Lady says
I think it’s smart to have some general ideas about what you do and don’t have in common (big ones I would say are religion discipline, and very loosely how child-oriented you are willing for your life to become– if you have multiple children, it will by default become very family and child-oriented. If you both want to live your lives the same way you have, that needs to be a clear priority. You don’t have to have an only, but it makes it easier). I don’t think having different styles is the end of the world, as long as you trust you partner to not endanger your child. If you feel the need to control how your partner parents, that is going to harm your marriage.
That said, a lot of it is really personality-of-the-child specific. You say you can guess what it’s like to parent, but you won’t really know until the kid is there and you are so exhausted you can barely function.
I think a lot of men don’t know how to deal with big emotions in small children. Our child has had frequent tantrums from age 1-almost 4. While our responses have changed based on her age, my husband typically reacts to tantrums with frustration and irritation which always escalates the situation. I treat her with empathy, which frequently deescalates the situation and gives her the language to talk through her feelings. He’s the hard-a$$ and I’m the softy. But by watching each other’s different styles, we’ve both learned from each other. I’ve learned from him that our daughter needs specific routines and boundaries with very few options to deviate or she will endlessly negotiate and whine. He has seen me deescalate a tantrum and knows that how he reacts does not help the situation, and is working on it. It’s always changing, and the biggest thing that helps is the ability to roll with the punches without getting too rattled.
ginger hb says
+1 for this. IME, it’s more important to be on the same page with your lifestyle and decision on how many kids to have than to worry about specific parenting styles. I’m a way different parent than either of us expected, and I think that’s due to our kid and circumstances and I know it will continue to change. But the ability to just roll with things and talk through them and learn is the most critical in my mind.
Mama Llama says
I think it’s great to think and talk about this stuff in advance. However, working stuff out in advance is going to be naturally limited because there’s so much that it’s impossible to know until you’re in it. It’s not just the kid’s demeanor, although that is huge. You could both feel very differently about things once you’re in it. You or the child could have medical issues that impact things. You could have life events like losing a job or a parental illness that change your circumstances.
I think the most important thing is to look at you and your partner’s general character. Are you good at being flexible when circumstances call for it? Are you good at reaching compromises when you disagree? Are you good at managing your emotions? Are you both committed to equal distribution of labor in your household? Are you on the same page about consulting with outside experts for tough problems? Do you communicate well about difficult subjects? One book that you might read together that flags some potential conflict areas is How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids.
Everlong says
Agreed with oil in houston, talk a lot.
You’re not going to know how you’ll respond until you actually have a little person to parent. I am much more lenient on many things than I would have expected, and my husband is more authoritarian. The most important thing for us was to agree to never undermine each other in front of the little people. If my husband tells them to do something or gives guidance I don’t agree with, I support and back him up regardless of if I agree, and we discuss later.
We also agree on different rules for different caregivers. We both do a lot of solo parenting and while he doesn’t love that they get more TV on my watch, for example, we agree that each of us has to do what is needed to survive. So far, the kids adapt well between us, but that might be temperament or it could get harder as they get older.
Finally, I try to remember that my husband is just as much a parent as me, so while I don’t agree with everything, I want an equal partner and therefore my opinion cannot and should not always trump his. We talk about this, too in that a few weeks ago he did something that I thought was foolish but kept my mouth shut. When it ended poorly, he tried to tell me it was my fault, too, because I didn’t stop him. (It was trivial!) I told him that I bite my hundreds of times a day and I can’t win because if I told him everything I don’t agree with, we would be a disaster, but then I get blamed when things go wrong. He recognized that, we laughed, and moved on.
It’s just communication and it doesn’t end with one conversation.
Anon says
There are several marriage-prep books that list out discussion questions “before the ring”. You could buy/ check out from the library and just go through the child-specific sections together.
It’s easy to have theoretical discussions before there’s a real kid in play, so don’t take it as gospel. It’s meant to focus more on your philosophy – many vs few kids, religious vs not, private vs public school, strict vs permissive, helicopter vs free range, all those items.
As a woman, you should pay close attention to whether he’s going to actually take ownership of stuff related to the kid. If he does a lot of “whatever you think” or “you’re the mom, you get to decide” then consider it a potential red flag and probe more. You want a partner who will take the lead in researching medicine doses at 12am, not one who will roll over and say “whatever you want, babe”. You want a partner who is going to read parent books (or do research somehow) if you run into a problem with the kid, not one who will get frustrated and then look to you to fix it. Look for a guy who is going to be a true partner, not just a babysitter.
Sarabeth says
This is great advice. I would much rather be coparenting with someone who has a different parenting philosophy but takes parenting seriously than someone who just doesn’t think it’s his job. You can negotiate the former, although it might involve some tough conversations. The latter can be crushing, and I’ve seen it happen to way too many of my friends.
Pogo says
“You want a partner who will take the lead in researching medicine doses at 12am” + a million to this!
lawsuited says
You’re smart to be thinking about this. I will say that you can’t really know what kind of parent you’ll be until you have your kids – I was completely wrong about what kind of parent I would be (I thought I’d be the disciplinarian and I am actually more lenient with my son than my husband), but discussing your biases about parenting now rather than unpacking them for the first time in the middle of the night because you disagree on whether your child should have Tylenol is smart. I think you could start with talking about 1) what parenting styles you saw in your family growing up and whether they were effective/ineffective and why you think they were effective/ineffective and 2) about child and parenting behaviour you see currently amoung friends and family or even in public and what you like/don’t like about the. These conversations will be more organic than reading and discussing a book together, but will reveal a lot about your deeply-held beliefs and biases about family life as well as your feelings about issues for current parents that didn’t exist when you were kids (eg. what do you and your spouse think when you see toddlers playing with iPhones at a restaurant? How do you feel about your spouse’s co-worker Fred taking paternity leave?”).
Anonanonanon says
I think it’s a very good plan to make this effort, but it is also SO HARD to have these conversations before you’re actually parents… because it’s a “you don’t know what you don’t know” situation. My first marriage failed over this, we thought we talked it all over but honestly our expectations/priorities etc. really changed once it was a reality. I think it’s all very kid-dependent, but I also think there’s other conversations outside of parenting style that are important to wade through.
I’m re-married now and we just had a child together, and it was a lot easier to have these discussions because there had already been a child in our home full-time for a few years. It still wasn’t possible to discuss everything, but here’s some things I’d suggest. I’m sorry it’s so long, but I have a failed marriage’s (followed by one where we have had literally 1 small argument since our 5-moth-old was born) worth of experience to draw from:
-Scheduling expectations. My husband and I agreed that he would do drop-offs and I would do pickup, for example. We shifted our work schedules accordingly. The expectation is you check with the other person if that is going to change, no “assuming” it’s OK. It sounds small, but it was important to us that we each felt a time crunch/the burden of shuttling kids to or from childcare. It wouldn’t be fair (and I knew it would lead to a lot of resentment in me) if only one of us was bound by daycare hours.
-Sick days, appointments, etc. I actually started a new job after our baby was born, and even if I hadn’t, my husband has way more PTO than I do. Because of that, we decided he handles “well” visits/checkups/dentist appointments. We do NOT “keep score” when it comes to sick days, those are handled on a case-by-case basis. We just go with whatever makes the most sense. If one of us has an important meeting, that one goes to work that day. It doesn’t matter who covered it last time. Luckily (knock-on-wood) we haven’t found ourselves in a situation where we both have commitments that can’t be missed or done over the phone on the same day.
-How much does he get to weigh in on decisions that involve your body? My husband and I felt that breastfeeding, birthing preferences, etc. would be discussed, but in the end were my call. Because it was my body. Along those lines, if you do get pregnant, discuss expectations for hospital visitors. Again, in my current marriage who/when was my call (since I was the one in the hospital bed as a patient) but in my first marriage it was a VERY contentious issue.
-Parenting load in the early days is a big one. If you choose to BF, consider having him get the baby up, do the diaper change, and then pass baby over to you to feed, then put baby back down. It was really important to me that my partner was waking up with me while I was BFing. (once he was back to work I was a bit more lenient on this if he had something important the next day). I just knew how easy it was to glare over at your peacefully-sleeping partner while seething with resentment, and I didn’t want that for us. It was helpful to establish this beforehand.
-Strengths when it comes to the mental/emotional load of parenting. Is one of you really good at researching/scheduling, and can handle scheduling daycares/summer camps/activities/coming up with a list of pediatricians? Is one of you organized and can handle staying on top of diaper/cream/shampoo/etc. inventory? Who will handle buying the clothes/rotating the ones a baby has grown out of? Of course this doesn’t all have to be decided ahead of time, but if you find that YOU would be the go-to for all of this, it’s something to consider.
-Are you on somewhat the same page in terms of the role different family members will play? Ie is he assuming his mom will watch your baby full-time, and you’re definitely not OK with that? Also, if you have a sister-in-law with kids, maybe talk to her about her experience with that family from that perspective (if you have that sort of relationship)
Again, I’m sorry this is so long, but these are things I wish I had known to think of before my first marriage, and things that REALLY made a difference the second time around.
anon says
x1,000,000
This is all fantastic advice.
Anon in NYC says
YES. IMO so much of parenting really comes down to how you and your spouse treat each other and resolve conflicts. You need to have an equal partner while also playing to your respective strengths.
OP says
Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has replied so far! This is all incredibly helpful and you’ve all brought up lots of things we can discuss that I wouldn’t have thought of myself. You’ve also helped me see that some of the most important thing to focus on are not necessarily our parenting styles towards the kid (save for the big stuff like religious upbringing, etc) and more how we envision dividing the parenting “work” between ourselves. This makes a ton of sense. Thank you again.
Pogo says
Not sure if this is possible for you, but hang out with friends or family with young kids. Afterwards in the car, debrief with your partner. Don’t let it become parent-bashing, but talk about how you see others interacting with their kids and what you do and don’t find acceptable.
For example, we visited a friend with a newborn and after I said, “Wow, I can’t believe Baby is already in her own room! I always thought we’d keep baby with us til he was a few months old.” Or “Your sister has such amazing patience with her kids. I would have taken away the whiffle bat at the first sign of sibling-torture.” This allows you to discuss with your partner if you’re own the same page about things you might never have thought of.
No screens says
Long time lurker, first time poster. Excited to be joining this community, as I’m currently pregnant with my first.
Question: have any of you adopted a no screen time policy at home with your kids? Not talking about limited screen time, but no screen time (exceptions would be made for Skype calls with grandparents, as I view that differently). DH and I would like to do this, e both grew up watching a lot of TV as a kid and found it pretty pointless, and I’m strongly swayed by spending time with my nieces, who literally cannot sit in a restaurant without a phone or Ipad. I have mentioned this idea to some mom friends IRL, who get very defensive about their use of a screen (and some of the comments yesterday on the screen thread echoed some of the comments I have heard IRL). So I don’t ask such questions anymore, and thought I might try to get some feedback here.
Is this just a pipe dream or is this possible? And for anyone who has done this, how old are your kids? I see it being pretty easy with very young kids, less so with older children.
Anonymous says
It’s definitely possible. I, however, gave up on this after having two kids, and needed something to entertain the oldest while I had my hands full with the baby. Here’s what we do currently, if helpful: We pretty much do no screen time during the week (other than skype/facetime with a traveling parents or relatives). During the weekend, the older son gets to watch some TV while the younger one naps (mostly so the parents can get stuff done in the house). I wish I had done a better job of enforcing quiet time for the oldest during his brother’s nap time, but I’m not too fussed about that much screen time. We sometimes also use phones or computers to research the kids’ burning questions or watch cool videos on youtube (think, clips about machines, animals, etc.). I never bring out screens during meals (at home or restaurants) — IMO it’s important for kids to learn to sit still and participate in the conversation, or otherwise be able to deal. I’m not rigid though — I suppose if we were at a formal restaurant or a wedding or something where they had to sit around for an inordinate amount of time without an adult being able to properly attend to them, we would let them zone out with an iPad. We certainly do that on plane trips.
oil in houston says
we had 0 screen time until 2, apart from skype. Then we’ve gradually relaxed the rule and let watch little nursery rhymes on youtube, but still no TV at almost 4.
we’ve only ever let her watch youtube in a restaurant once, and that’s because there had been a major kitchen issue and food took 1h45 to get to us….
octagon says
Same. We were steadfast about no screen time until 2 except Skype and FaceTime with family.
We now do maybe an hour each on Saturday and Sunday — only educational programs like Daniel Tiger and Sesame Street. They are clearly “special” and there is zero room for negotiation. I was pleasantly surprised to notice very positive developments and behavior changes as a result of modeling Daniel Tiger.
If you want to do zero screen time, it will be easiest if you just don’t have a television in your house (or only one in your bedroom) and don’t keep phones or iPads present in everyday life. And when you talk to other parents, keep your tone light – oh, we don’t watch television, but Little Johnny loves to color! And don’t stress if your kid sees screens at other houses.
Anonanonanon says
I think it is incredibly early to make any decision about this. It’s all going to depend on your child’s personality, what your schedules/lifestyles are when kiddo is old enough to be considering screen time, etc.
FWIW, we have a “no screen time during the week” policy. My son was able to do sticker sheets/play quietly with dino figurines/ etc. at restaurants… but that’s just his personality type. It’s not because I’m a stellar parent or did anything special. Also, sometimes parents do screentime at restaurants for the sake of those around them.
This is honestly one of those things (like “i’ll only feed my kids organic food” or “they’ll sleep in my room until 1 year old because AAP says so” or “I’ll definitely breastfeed until they’re 3”) that’s really easy to “decide” ahead of time, and then feel immense guilt over when it doesn’t work out. I’m cautioning you because I don’t want you to set yourself up for feelings of failure if things don’t go according to plan.
LH says
“Also, sometimes parents do screentime at restaurants for the sake of those around them.”
This bothers me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with parents who want to give their kids screen time for whatever reason, but the idea that parents have to keep a child absolutely silent is a restaurant (or plane or other public situation) is off-putting. Kids make noise! Assuming you’re not at The French Laundry, there’s nothing wrong with a kid being a kid during the meal. And I think learning how to behave appropriately at a restaurant (without being glued to a device) is important.
Lana Del Raygun says
+1000,000
Anonanonanon says
In a perfect world I agree, but I also got lucky with a kid who behaved well in restaurants etc. so I really try not to judge families who may have children who are naturally more.. boisterous.
Anonymous says
And that’s why people don’t like kids at restaurants! You want to teach your kids to behave without screens by all means! Please! But if “kids bring kids” involves being loud whiny disruptive and out of their seats, you need to leave.
lawsuited says
I’m glad you feel this way, but a poster over on the main page a few weeks ago complained about a kid being noisy on a airplane and the comments on that thread convinced me that the societal expectation is that parents use every possible tool (including screens) to keep their children quiet around other passengers.
Our toddler still has zero screen time so when we fly with him we rely on a soother (which he otherwise wouldn’t use except at night) and an endless stream of 5 minutes activities to distract our toddler from the fact that he desperately wants to walk around. A 5-hour flight with my darling child has become my definition of hell. We don’t eat out because our toddler cries and tries to launch himself out of the highchair so he can go exploring and my husband or I have to walk around the restaurant with him while the other eats. We will go to a restaurant for a friend/family celebration, but are prepared for one of us to leave with our toddler while the other stays and pays the bill.
Anonymous says
I think you are right about this. All of it.
LH says
I don’t let cranky anonymous internet commenters dictate how I raise my child. There are certain things parents should not let kids do on planes – kicking the seat in front of them is one that comes to mind – but I don’t know why normal toddler or kid talking/laughing/playing is something we feel like we need to hide with a screen. We all grew up before there were handheld devices. Lots of us traveled on planes and our parents did their best to entertain us and keep us well-behaved and sometimes we weren’t perfect and everyone just had to deal. I don’t know what it’s any different now.
(Not judging parents who choose to give their kids screens because they want to. I just don’t like this idea that my child has to be seen and not heard when she’s in an airplane seat that I paid good money for. I’ve been on planes with drunk adults who were way louder and more disruptive than a happy, squealing toddler or even a crying baby, for that matter.)
CPA Lady says
Agreed.
Parenting is a magical, yet exhausting grind at the level that is not possible to understand until you’re in it for a while. You have full responsibility for a small, helpless, irrational, emotional person whom you love desperately but who is constantly asking for thing after thing after thing, wheedling you, whining, talking, and touching you every moment of your waking and sometimes sleeping life for years and years. You get no vacation from your responsibility. It’s wonderful and it’s worth it, but sometimes you need a freaking break and you can’t hire a babysitter. You need to make a phone call. You need to talk to another adult. You want to eat your dinner in peace. You need to take a moment in another room so you don’t scream your head off with frustration. Screen time is a coping mechanism and the lesser of two evils sometimes. I completely agree with Anonanonanon that this is a really hard line to take before you truly understand what you’re getting into. It’s doable. People do it. You can probably do it. But don’t set yourself up for disappointment. The easiest children to parent are the ones who aren’t here yet.
anon says
+a million to this:
“You have full responsibility for a small, helpless, irrational, emotional person whom you love desperately but who is constantly asking for thing after thing after thing, wheedling you, whining, talking, and touching you every moment of your waking and sometimes sleeping life for years and years. You get no vacation from your responsibility.”
Thank you for articulating so perfectly the source of my frustration right now as we go through a difficult phase with our kids!
As for screen time, I would not overthink it. My older child was like a moth to the flame with screens and needs to be reigned in from time to time. My younger one does not care a thing about it and sometimes I wish she would because it would be the only way to get her to sit still for 30 minutes.
GCA says
+1 — this. “This is honestly one of those things (like “i’ll only feed my kids organic food” or “they’ll sleep in my room until 1 year old because AAP says so” or “I’ll definitely breastfeed until they’re 3”) that’s really easy to “decide” ahead of time, and then feel immense guilt over when it doesn’t work out. I’m cautioning you because I don’t want you to set yourself up for feelings of failure if things don’t go according to plan.”
I think no screen time is definitely possible with a younger child, but you do have to commit to a no-screen-time-*for yourself* policy as well. In other words, lead by example and stick with it. At the same time, you may have to be a little bit more flexible depending on the context and the child’s personality. And you may end up having to bend over backwards a bit to avoid coming off as judgmental or superior simply because of a no-screen-time rule; I think most families will understand and respect your choices, but some will get defensive because they’ll view it as a comment on their own parenting decisions.
Anon in NYC says
Yep. 100%. We did no screens until 2 because it was easy for us to do that. But we do screens now, and it’s not the best thing but also not the worst thing ever.
LH says
I had a similar philosophy before my daughter was born (we also view Skype differently than TV/phones). We’ve already relaxed our initial goal (to never have her see screens at all), because she’s been in the presence of TV very briefly at other people’s homes and has seen us using our phones and computers. But so far we haven’t used the TV or phone as a way of entertaining her and we hope to get to age 2 without doing it or doing it super rarely (like on international flights only). She’s only 6 months now though, so we’ll see what happens. I feel more relaxed about it than I did before she was born.
Mama Llama says
One thing to consider is social ramifications. My kiddo has never had the easiest time socially, and around age 3 she really liked to be able to talk about TV characters with her daycare classmates. We do limited screen time, but I’ve always been happy to give her that commonality with her peers. I was raised with very limited media access, and I definitely remember my general awkwardness and social weirdness being exacerbated by not knowing anything about Star Wars or Ghostbusters or whatever the kids were into at school, so perhaps I’m extra sensitive to this.
anon says
Same. My mom never let me watch TV and I remember being at summer camp and we were doing an ice breaker where we had to name an actress from our favorite show that we would like to look like or something like that. I completely froze because I didn’t know any. It was just another moment that showed how different and isolated I was at a time that was already very difficult for me.
Anonymous says
This is agood point. TV wasn’t explicitly banned in my house but I spent most of my time with my mom, who never watched TV, so I didn’t either. And they never took me to movies. I felt very socially awkward about it. The first show I ever watched was Friends in 5th or 6th grade, so I missed all the shows and movies aimed at kids. When my husband and I met, it blew his mind that I’d never seen Sesame St.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Just a note on older kids – from talking with coworkers who have grade school and up kids, a lot of assignments and tests are now online so I would imagine it’s impossible to be completely screen-free when they’re older than 5 or so, unless you homeschool or do some other sort of alternative schooling.
Anonymous says
Yes! At our local elementary they submit assignments electronically beginning in first grade.
Lana Del Raygun says
I personally think this is a terrrrrible idea. I have done a lot of tutoring and all my students have a harder time with actual problem-solving when their assignments are online. I think there’s an implicit pressure to SUBMIT THE ANSWER NOW that they don’t feel with a worksheet or a plain textbook + notebook, but whatever it is, it makes math harder.
Artemis says
It’s possible to draw the lines wherever you want, you just have to be ready to enforce what you believe is right for your family and realize that, as with so many things in parenting, it will be hard. It doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing.
For example, my kids get screen time at home. Pretty limited, and varies with season or time of week, but they get it and I don’t worry much about what I do allow. Netflix shows, family movie night, etc.
Our hard and fast rules:
No TV system in the car, and only screentime in the car for road trips over 3 hours (we have books in the car, even for the non-readers to look at, and play cheesy road trip games and have a kids’ radio station).
No individual tablets or phones or computers for the kids except for airplane rides (we use our old phones). No video game systems in the house (hence, if they go to friends’ houses and want to play, I have no problem with it, that’s the only time they get it).
No electronic entertainment of any kind at restaurants or events (I still bring coloring and puzzle books of varying age levels to restaurants or events that lean adult).
Sometimes my kids complain and whine about what they don’t get compared to their friends. They’re going to whine about that no matter what the subject is, all kids do. I’m not saying it isn’t hard, I just think that what you see with your nieces doesn’t mean you have to be a zero-screen-time household. My husband and I call ourselves the “old school” household :P.
Artemis says
And just to be clear, we don’t walk around Judgey-mcjudgerpants about other families and their screen time policies. When my oldest asks why we don’t have a video game system, we say something like “we decided that doesn’t work for our family”. When he asks why the neighbors think it’s ok if we don’t, we say “different families, different rules–other grownups get to decide what works for their families and every family is different”.
I will admit to being judgey about screen time at restaurants, like what you see with your nieces. Sorry :).
GCA says
Ha, I am also appalled at my nieces (4 and 1) literally being unable to eat. a. meal. without the iPad, especially given the number of adults typically present (grandparents, parents, live-in nanny all at the same time…different country, don’t ask).
I’m guessing nearly all of us here grew up in the era before individual screens/ electronics were widespread. What did you all do for entertainment? I still remember my parents allowing us to bring a book to restaurants and grown-up sit-down Events like wedding dinners where we were expected to be seen and not heard. Worked fine from age 5 or whenever my sister and I could read on our own.
Anonymous says
I never did anything in a restaurant except sit there and eat. Once I could read, I was allowed to bring books on long car trips or if we had to go to a fancy event like a wedding. But never for just an ordinary dinner out at a local restaurant.
Anonymous says
We always brought books to restaurants!
Anon. says
FWIW, I also think that going out to eat is more prevalent now than it used to be. Yes, I grew up in an era without individual screens, but my parents also didn’t take me out to eat until I was a much older child. And, respectfully, I don’t know that anyone remembers every occasion they ate out and peacefully sat in their seat. It makes me think of my mom, who claims she potty trained my brother and me in one weekend. Nope.
I have a lot of compassion for “good for you, not for me.” I almost never let my kids have screens at tables, but sometimes I do. For example, I was desperate for social contact when I had my second and my husband was traveling, so I’d take them out to eat at fast casual places. My older toddler got a screen and my baby sat in his car seat while I sipped wine and enjoyed not having to clean up after kids. We have good friends and we used to eat out together on the weekends, and if adult talk/eating bleeds into the multiple hour mark, we’ll pull out screens. Zero shame in my game. My older son is now an adventurous eater with awesome restaurant manners (we really do eat out a lot). I just….won’t judge someone else for what they have to do.
Anon at 11:46 says
I’m not saying I never had a meltdown in a restaurant as a toddler, I’m sure I did and was removed, but I have memories of going to restaurants from the age of about 3 without toys or books or any other distraction and just having to sit there for the meal, whether I liked it or not. We didn’t have multi-hour long meals or go to fancy places though. And we ate out 2-3 times a week from the time I was in preschool (and maybe earlier, but my memory only goes back to that age).
My personal opinion is that kids won’t learn to behave unless you teach them to behave. And yes, teaching them to behave will include some interrupted meals. But if you deal with the interruptions for a little while, you’ll eventually have kids that can sit in a restaurant without distractions.
lawsuited says
We are following the pediatric society’s recommendation of zero screen time before age 2. He sees screens sometimes in public places, but that’s it. From age 2 to 5, we plan to use screen time for air travel only to limit disruption to other passengers (which we don’t have to worry about when travelling by car). Once he’s in school we’ll have less control over screen time, and will re-evaluate then.
Legally Brunette says
My kids are 3 and 5, and have no screen time at home. Exceptions are: long (more than 3 hour) plane trips, once a month Skype calls with family, and any screens they might see at school on occasion. The TV in our house is never on (I personally stopped watching TV a few years ago).
DH and I felt very strongly about this when I was pregnant, for very similar reasons that you describe. I was a latch key kid who wanted a ridiculous amount of TV growing up, and I also have lots of kids in my extended family who are overly reliant on gadgets. I also felt that we have a limited time with them at home and I wanted them to do other things rather than screens.
It’s worked out very well and to be honest, I haven’t found it to a big deal. When my younger kid naps, my 5 year old will do puzzles, read, or listen to kid podcasts. When the kids are sick at home, we will do much of the same. And importantly, they have each other so they are never bored. They know everything about Frozen and Star Wars, but they just learn about it through books. When we go to a restaurant they just color or chat or do some other activity. Also, notably, they have never asked me to watch TV. They know it exists and that other kids watch, but it’s not something they seem to care about.
I don’t broadcast this IRL because as you say, some people get very defensive about their decision to use screens. And like I said, I watched a ton of TV and turned out perfectly fine. :) But personally, I’m very happy with our decision.
OP says
Thank you! This is exactly the perspective I was looking for. It’s good to know that it is possible, even with a child “as old” as a five year old. How do you handle it when you visit grandparents or friends who have their TV on? And when do you think you might introduce screens?
Anonymous says
Surely by letting your kid watch TV? You can’t be telling other people how to live.
Legally Brunette says
My philosophy is my house, my rules and similarly their house, their rules. So when my nieces come to visit I ask them not to bring their iPads because we are a no screen house, but when we go to their house and the TV is on my kids will watch TV there and I’m not about to say anything because that’s just rude. But we only see my nieces twice a year so it’s not worth getting worked up over.
Not sure when we will introduce screens, perhaps when they start asking and/or when we feel it’s necessary to do schoolwork. I’m certainly not saying they won’t ever look at screens, but for now we’re happy with how things are. Congrats on your pregnancy!
Wow says
Kudos to you, LB. This is impressive, and in retrospect I wish I had done the same.
Lana Del Raygun says
Are you willing to cut your own screentime, at least around the kids? My niece and nephew always want to see what grown-ups are looking at on their phones, which would make it a lot harder to draw that kind of line.
PregLawyer says
This. Also, if you want to get all those wonderful photos and videos of your precious bundle, your iphone is going to be out in force. Our first got introduced to phones because we were taking videos of him. Then he wanted to see the videos on the phone. Then he wanted to see what else the phone could do. Personally, I think it’s virtually impossible to cut out all screens from their lives.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, this so much!! We like to take (a lot) of videos and photos of our son and now he definitely notices and wants to see them. He loves looking at videos of himself :)
AwayEmily says
I would also suggest going onto Google Scholar and actually reading the research on screen time — I think people often see it as a very black-and-white issue (screens are great vs screens are evil) but the reality is much more nuanced. There have been a lot of fantastic studies of the effects of screen time on all sorts of outcomes, from behavior to weight to academic performance. The short version is: screen time isn’t all bad, what you watch matters, and how you watch matters. So, I would strongly recommend searching out some of this research for yourself, perhaps focusing on the outcomes that matter the most to you, and using that to help inform your decision about how to raise your kid.
AIMS says
This. I focus a lot more on how we do screen time. No shows with ads, no ipad or phone generally, etc. My daughter watches PBS shows that are age appropriate, not manic and that teach kindness, for lack of a better word, and we usually watch with her and then talk about it. It’s actually been great for a few different issues (yay for Daniel Tiger). We generally don’t do ipads/phones in restaurants because we do just fine with crayons, books and a magna doodle but I can think of at least 2 occasions where a phone and youtube saved us from a bad meltdown after we ordered. And you can’t police other people. We came home from a visit to some cousins with her talking about SpongeBob and I am not going to tell them that they have to turn off their tv and prevent their kids from watching whatever when we visit. I think having good family relationships is more important than doing only what I approve of at all times. So I just said we don’t have that show and we forgot about it in a day or two.
Anonymous says
+1 from me too. I followed the recommendation about no screen time before 2 for my oldest, but it went out the window once the 2nd and 3rd were born.
At home, TV is for weekend mornings and keeping the older kids quiet and still while I’m putting the baby to bed if I’m solo parenting. I DVR PBS shows so we have a constant library of Daniel Tiger, Mr. Rogers, & Sesame Street. We do family In public, I consider my phone a tool in my toolbox that I’ll pull out when it’s the best thing for the job. 95% of the time, crayons, books, etc will keep the kids happy, but I’m not going to die on the no-screens hill and subject the other people in the plane/restaurant to a tantrum that I know I can stop with youtube. It is a rare, rare, tantrum that sports highlights, space shuttle launches, or song clips from Disney movies can’t quell.
Also, my preschoolers LOVE watching video games, especially when DH or I lets them direct us choose-your-own-adventure-style. I’m not saying this is a good way to spend hours and hours, but it’s fun for all of us, pretty interactive in the grand scheme of screen time, and there’s actually some research suggesting that video games help with various problem-solving skills. *shrug*
Anonymous says
Knock yourself out trying! I think it’s a great goal. I assume you will be cool with giving up TV too then right? And you and your husband won’t be pulling out your phones to play? Right. Sure.
Sensible limits work without your kids hating you and you deliberately cutting them off from connecting with their peers about pop culture.
Sarabeth says
It’s possible, for sure, and we are pretty close to it. I’ll add two things, though:
1. it’s also possible to have screen time in moderation without allowing screens at restaurants, and
2. not having screen time won’t magically make your kids sit still through restaurant meals.
My kids have very limited screen time (none for the 2 year old, 1 hr/week for the 5 year old) and have never in their lives been allowed to use screens in restaurants or elsewhere in public. But they can still be holy terrors at restaurants, and we’d probably get to eat out more often if we bent this rule.
To other comments – my husband and I don’t watch TV at all ourselves (I legit don’t understand how other people have the time!) so that’s not an issue. We try very hard, and are mostly successful, at not using our phones while we are at home and our children are awake. It helps that we get paper subscriptions to several newspapers and magazines, so we don’t have to go online for news and reading material.
And yeah, I think you can’t tell other people to turn off the screens in their houses (although you can make your own decisions about whether you want to bring your kid over there). At least in our social circle, parents all ask if it’s ok to show movies/TV on playdates, and I usually ask them not to, in part because my 5 year old is sensitive and will freak out unpredictably at “scary” parts of movies. But screens are out in the world, and you can’t actually keep your kid from having any interaction with them. They are in doctors’ waiting rooms, and airports, and the back seats of taxis, and a surprising number of restaurants, etc. Kids can understand just fine that screens happen outside of the house, but not inside.
Anonymous says
Threadjacking off this – if you do no screen time at all, do you never use your phones or computers at home? Because my 4 month old is already super interested in my phone and whenever I’m using it near her she wants to grab it and look at it. I’m all for putting phones away during family meal times, storytime and other family “quality times,” but nursing is really boring and reading my Kindle is way easier than reading a physical book, and my iPhone is the primary way I take photos of her. Do other people really put their devices away 100% of the time they’re with their kids?
Anon Anon says
We do some TV time but for the most part, no, I don’t use my phone in front of the kids. I do use it to take pictures, but I never made it a practice of showing the pictures so it’s not something they think to ask for. We’ll do a quick video or picture sometimes in selfie mode, and then it goes away. I never keep the phone where they can reach it so it’s a non-issue. They’re almost 3 and almost 1. I actually started reading paper books over a Kindle when they’re awake for this very reason.
In House Lobbyist says
Yes to the paper books! We wanted our kids to know that we were reading books and not just playing on our phones and tablets. So I try to keep at least one paper book that I am reading around them and read others on my Kindle.
Spirograph says
Nope. My husband and I have some pretty heated debates about how much phone use in the presence of other people is appropriate, but it’s a non-zero number for both of us. We agree on no phones at the table when someone else is sitting with you, or when we’re doing things that are supposed to be family time. If it’s just downtime where everyone’s doing their own thing in proximity of each other, he’ll often be scrolling through reddit on his phone. We’ve gone through fits and starts of putting our phones in a box when we get home, but it hasn’t stuck well.
I haaaaaate the ubiquity of smartphones, but they are not going away. Teaching modern etiquette associated with phone use is very important to me, and I don’t think the answer is NO PHONES EVER, because that just isn’t what life looks like anymore. Not super relevant for a 4 month old, but I make a point to tell my kids that I’m putting my phone away because I don’t want it to bother or distract me while I’m playing with them, eating dinner with the family, etc. I also make a point to wait for a pause in a conversation and ask whether it’s OK for me to look up XYZ on my phone rather than just pulling it out while someone is still talking, and to tell my kids what I’m doing on my phone if I’m doing it in their presence. “I’m reading an email from Henry’s mom on my phone. She wrote me a letter about how much fun they’re having in New York.” “I’m reading the news on my phone so I can learn about what is happening in other places.” “I’m looking up the recipe for how to make XYZ for dinner” etc etc. if it’s not something that makes sense to my kids (eg, “I’m reading a blog about work fashion and parenting!”), I generally save it for after they’re in bed.
In House Lobbyist says
We do limited screen time but its more for special occasions. I am not opposed to cartoons/Disney generally but we do try to watch a lot of Planet Earth and other type documentaries. I travel a fair amount and so movie night is a treat for them when I am gone. Limited screen time was a blessing when my 4 year old broke her arm last year and we had to be at the hospital for 5 hours because she was in the middle of lunch when she fell out of tree house and youtube clips of princess movies were a big hit! She hadn’t seen most of the movies but just the song clips kept her so happy. I find that they whine a little when I say no tv but they get over it easier than if I give in and let them watch just one show. I am completely addicted to my phones (work and personal phone) so I have had to severely limit my use around them too and it is hard for me! I do have to fuss at grandparents who want to keep the tv on 24/7. I have started making them turn off Disney/Cartoon Network and watch Discovery or the History Channel.
Anonymous says
Looking for advice, especially from those of you who leave near your parents or in-laws: How often do you see you them?
My mom is feeling neglected and not entirely unjustly but I’m not sure what kind of expectations to set. Weekdays are a blur of wake up, get kid ready, drop off at daycare, go to work, pick up kid, go home, eat dinner, play for 30-60 minutes, bedtime routine for her, unwind for an hour, bedtime routine for me. Weekends are our chance to do what we want and my mom grates on my nerves enough that I don’t want to promise her a certain amount of that precious free time. Furthermore, my dad (they’re divorced) lives with us and while she’s doing her best to be amicable, she gripes about him to me and I have very little patience for it.
But at the same time, she’s not a terrible person either. She’s retired and doesn’t have a solid grasp of time–she’ll think it’s been three weeks since she’s seen us when it’s actually just been one, etc. And she calls or Facebook messages often enough that I don’t have a lot of opportunities to initiate contact, more often just reply. I’ve tried explaining that we’re not ignoring her, just busy, but I’m beginning to feel like I’m gaslighting her.
Help.
LH says
Does she drive? Could she get the kid at daycare early one afternoon per week and watch her in her home? And then visit with you briefly when you go to pick her up? Most grandmas I know (my mom and MIL included) want more time with the grandkids even more than they want to see their own kids ;)
OP says
She is disabled and can’t drive or watch the kid by herself. My stepfather is helpful but he works full time.
Anon Anon says
We have 3 sets of grandparents within 15 minutes. One set takes care of kiddos while we’re at work, so they’re pretty well integrated. Another set claims to want to see us frequently and we try for once a week. The third set sort of pops in and out with frequency and don’t put pressure on it, so we see them probably every 2 to 3 weeks. For the second and third sets, we make seeing them work for us. I very much feel like we’re the ones with 2 FT jobs and young kids, so they work around us. I joke that we have visiting hours from 5-7PM during the week when I’m solo parenting. If you come at 5PM, you bring dinner. If you come at 6PM, you just hang out. Set 3 usually fits into this slot. With set 2, we tell them when we’ll be around just hanging out and they come by in those time slots. Sometimes, we’ll initiate meeting them for a meal when we’re going out to eat anyway.
I’m not sure if this is helpful, but it’s what we do.
Anon says
I think this is a common problem right now, where grandparents retire and then pin most of their social hopes on their grandkids. And do a lot of “scorekeeping” with the other grandparents and with their friends on Facebook. They also tend to forget (or don’t know) the realities of two working parents – your time as a family is pretty limited and your first priority has to be parenting and bonding and enjoying all in the few hours you get.
We both have divorced parents, so none of the 4 “sets” feel like they see the grandkids enough. But our life is like yours – no real time during the week and busy on the weekends. We make an effort to skype each set once a week (usually during dinner so the kids are captive) and then we TRY to see them each once every two months, which still means 2 family visits a month for us, and that is getting harder as the kids get older and into sports/ teams/ friends.
I don’t have much advice but I’ll be following.
Wow says
It would be a kind gesture on your part to invite her over on the weekend for a meal or to the park/playground/whatever excursion you’re doing with your child (or ask her to bring over the meal!). Not every weekend necessarily, but often enough. I agree with others that you shouldn’t set up the expectation that you visit her all the time, but what’s the big deal if she comes to your place for two hours on a weekend? Yes, your time is precious but she’s a grandma and it’s perfectly understandable that she wants to spend more time with her grand kids. And tell her that you don’t want to hear her griping about your dad.
anon says
Yeah, and grandkids benefit from having relationships with their grandparents. So it’s not just for her, its for your kid too. Would it be helpful to set a certain day every x amount of time to see her? So you go see her for dinner every other Thursday or the first Sunday of every month or whatever frequency makes sense to you? That way she knows what to expect and she knows she’s a priority. Or could you video chat with her, even though she is in town? My kid and husband video chat with my MIL for about 45 minutes each Sunday evening.
AwayEmily says
Yes to setting a certain day/time. We’ve instituted a standard Sunday morning activity with my mom (20 minutes away), and it’s worked out great because the kids get excited, we can plan around it, etc.
OP says
This is what I hope to do but I’m trying to figure out what would be a realistic frequency to set for scheduled visits while still allowing for (a) enough free time for us on the weekends but also (b) not being so far apart that a cancellation is a huge problem.
Thanks to everyone who has already replied and hoping to hear from others as well!
Anon in NYC says
I agree that inviting her to join in on a family activity is a good way to fit in quality time without also having to actively make separate plans with her. So a playground, lunchtime, perhaps something like a sports practice.
Does she refuse to visit your house because of your dad? That would be a challenge.
If she’s physically disabled / can’t really leave her house, I also agree that a standing facetime call would be a good option. It’s really hard for me to squeeze those in with family on weeknights, but it can be a good option for the 20 minutes right after we’ve gotten home and I’m scrambling to get food ready for dinner.
OP says
She doesn’t refuse, but she’ll try playing games like, “I’ve been really nice to your dad so while he’s gone I think I deserve a visit” instead of just asking to visit, and asking if he’ll be home when they want to come over. I’m more than willing to make sure she sees her grandchild without my dad around all the time (at our house or hers), but obviously I don’t want to open the door to discussions about him which inevitably lead to her airing old grudges.
Sarabeth says
If your stepfather is around on the weekends, and you’re comfortable leaving your kid in his care, I would seize the opportunity to drop kid there for 2 hours and go to the gym/Target/whatever.
Pogo says
Not sure this would work for you, but we have my parents over on a weeknight that someone is parenting solo. So last week I was out of the country and my husband had my parents over one night, this week he’s gone so I had my mom come last night.
They aren’t actually “helpful” in watching my son, but will sit in the living room while he plays and I unpack his daycare stuff, get his dinner ready, etc.
On weekends, our top grandparent activities are 1) church + brunch or 2) cookout/dinner at our house. Almost every weekend we do one or the other.
Anon says
I have to confess one of my biggest mom insecurities: I can’t cook. I can boil water to make pasta and can throw a few things in the slow cooker to make chili, but beyond that, my cooking skills are pretty limited and my attempts at learning haven’t yielded the best or most edible results. It’s just one of those things that I don’t seem to have a knack for, and as a working mom, I don’t have much time to devote to learning at this point in my life (neither does my husband, unfortunately).
It doesn’t usually bother me but I’m realizing that my 7-month old is going to start eating more “real food” soon (we’ve been feeding her jarred purees), and I’m panicking a little bit. I want her to develop good eating habits and I want her to eat good, healthy food, yet I feel unprepared to provide her with that due to my limited cooking abilities. When we’re eating at home, my husband and I usually survive of prepared salads with some protein thrown in, pasta, and the occasional organic frozen pizza/TJ’s entree.
Does anyone have any advice? Are there any other “can’t cook” moms out there? How do you handle feeding your kids?
rakma says
Healthy nutritious food doesn’t need to be fancy or complex. Our kids eat what we eat, but usually deconstructed. So I’ll make tortellini with a light cream sauce with peas for the adults, kids eat plain tortellini with a side of peas and probably blueberries because they will always eat blueberries. When you’re having salads with protein, you can substitute steamed veggies (I love the bags that go from freezer to microwave and are done in 4 minutes) Both my kids supplemented dinner with pureed fruit/veggies until they were about 2. Also, if we’re really stuck, scrambled eggs for dinner is always a hit with my kids.
If you really want to expand your cooking versatility, you might want to try one of those meal kit deliveries. I found that the 3x/week box was good for us to do on weekends (I can’t handle a new recipe on a weeknight) and it was also less stressful if Saturday’s lunch turned out to be a bust. The cooking methods aren’t too complex, but it might give you some new ideas.
Anon says
I rely heavily on this post. The blogger said it was for daycare lunches, but we actually use it for dinners. Pre-kids, we used to eat out all the time so this helped us start eating at home more. I like the “formula” aspect to it as it helps me feel like I’m covering all the right bases.
http://blog.jaclynday.com/post/58700859537/toddler-lunch-planning
Childhood food is a staple for a reason. Most people don’t cook full-blown meals on a daily basis, esp not working people. Things like PBJ, chicken nuggets, rotisserie chicken from the grocery store, frozen entrees, grilled burgers, deli meat sandwiches, spaghetti, or mac and cheese – those are popular because they are some of the easiest foods to prepare and have a higher success rate. Add a bag of steamable frozen veggies, grain or fruit, and a glass a milk, and you’ve got yourself a balanced meal.
Pogo says
+1 we follow something very similar for our kid! And I miss Jaclyn Day. Her blog was so great.
Mama Llama says
Yep, my kid is very picky but we follow and entree + fruit + vegetable formula. Entrees are pasta, PBJ, baked beans, pizza, chicken nuggets, pancakes or waffles with peanut butter. Fruits are varied. Veggies are microwaved frozen peas or corn or fresh cucumbers, avocado, or carrots. She will usually have a yogurt or a piece of cheese too. It’s not a ton of variety, but it’s reasonably healthy and quick to prepare.
Anonymous says
I think there was a recent Week-in-the-Life post from a mom who considered herself not a very good cook. You might check back there for some ideas.
One thing I’d mention is that either steaming or roasting veggies is a fairly foolproof way to make veggies taste good. To steam vegetables, get one of those steamer baskets, put in a saucepan, add some water to about the bottom of the basket, add bite-sized pieces of broccoli/brussels sprouts/cauliflower florets/sweet potatoes etc., cover and cook on medium to medium-high heat for about 10-15 minutes, depending on the kind of veggie. Take out, melt on some butter and sprinkle with salt. It’s pretty hard to overcook these.
Likewise for roasting, cut veggies into bite-sized or slightly larger pieces and put on a cookie sheet, drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper and roast in the oven at 400 degrees for about 15 minutes (asparagus is really good this way; roasted potatoes, even cut up into smaller pieces will take much longer to cook this way, usually about 45 minutes to an hour). When the weather starts to get colder, I love making roasted root vegetables: chopped up potatoes, sweet potatoes, onions, carrots, parsnips, and garlic.
lala says
That was me!
I am not a good cook, and do not care to try and be one. We make very simple meals (protein plus veggie plus carb), a lot of nuts, hummus, fruit, raw/steamed veggies, rice in the rice cooker etc. We don’t keep much processed food or sugar in the house, so I would say we are a pretty healthy family.
I really don’t think kids need complicated/cooked meals to be healthy, just put simple healthy food on their plate.
Anonymous says
My mom couldn’t cook and didn’t have the time for it. (Dad was not in the picture.) We did a lot of semi-home made meals — frozen entree plus rice and a veggie, spaghetti with jarred sauce and a salad, etc. I’ll be honest that I wasn’t super excited about meals at home as I got older, but they were always simple, balanced, and got me the nutrition I needed. All this to say that I have never been picky at all, love new foods, and was a healthy athletic kid. My sister was the same. My anecdata says your kids will be totally fine even if you’re a “can’t cook” mom!
yup says
Gently, a frozen entree is generally chock full of sodium and not healthy. OP, you are a better off making very simple meals than doing the frozen route (it will also be much cheaper).
OP, I was like you about 15 years ago, but I was in a better position in that I didn’t have kids yet so I could make a lot of mistakes with cooking and had more time. Cooking really takes practice. You’re going to make a lot of mistakes and throw food out, but over time as you do it more and more, you will get better I promise. If I had a dime for every meal I threw out when I was younger….
Recipes are your friend. Follow them to a T, don’t deviate whatsoever. I really like Blue Apron but that might be too complicated, I think there are other meal delivery kits that are simpler (maybe Sun Basket?).
Kudos to you for trying to do something about this. I tell all of my expecting friends that the number one you can do for your child is learn how to cook. No need to be a professional, but you spend so much time at home in the early days, and take out gets old and is not healthy. Figure this out now, lest you be like my friend with 6 year old twins who feeds her kids pasta and frozen foods, and that’s it.
Anonymous says
Well my single, full-time-working, side-hustling mom got her kids fed and sat down with them for dinner every night. There might have been a little extra sodium but we were objectively healthy kids and ate better than a LOT of my friends did in the 90’s. Sorry, but couldn’t let this one go because I am fiercely defensive of my mom.
Anonymous says
+1, I thought that was super judgey and was not asked for. Frozen entrees are not generally “not healthy,” and if I had time to cook Blue Apron I would not have kids. That ish takes like an hour.
Anonymous says
I also think standards for what constitutes “good food” have changed a lot since the 80s & 90s. My parents were good, conscientious parents and money wasn’t an issue for our family, but they took me to McDonald’s regularly because they liked it and it made me happy and it was fast and easy. I was by no means the only kid in my class who had fast food regularly. There just wasn’t the same stigma about it that there is now.
Anonymous says
Get off your high horse. Frozen entrees are like every other food – there are good ones and bad ones. Is it ideal as a dinner every single day? Of course not, but few foods are. It’s better than fast food or junk food, that’s for sure.
And don’t be so smug about your ‘friend’ (that you’re making fun of on the internet…) with picky kids either. Plenty of 6 year olds only eat pasta and hot dogs. I was one of them even though my parents introduced me to lots of foods as a toddler. I eat everything as an adult. It’s just a phase some kids have and it has very little to do with parenting, despite what smug moms like you think. Most kids grow out of it.
CCLA says
Echoing above that healthy can be non-fancy. We roast veggies and make meat in the instant pot for 22-mo DD, and have done this for awhile. This may or may not have resulted in her preferring to eat squash and spicy chicken every day, but I guess things could be worse. We add greens to the squash if we have time. I am firmly not a cook, DH enjoys it and takes most of that load, but when he’s tied up I can manage to drizzle pre-cut squash with olive oil and roast in the oven. Also, I know you said husband doesn’t have time to learn either, but this is one of those areas where the responsibility tends to fall on moms by default, so don’t forget this is DH’s problem to solve too!
shortperson says
you might want to start with the weelicious cookbook
Em says
Blue Apron. I had moderate cooking skills and my husband had about your level of cooking skills and we are both pretty good cooks from doing Blue Apron for a year. Bonus, we also eat 3 times as many vegetables as we were before we started Blue Apron. We get the 3-day plan every other week, and save the recipe cards and repeat recipes or do a lot of meat + veggie + starch on the other days, but even those meals borrow heavily from things we learned from Blue Apron. We tried a few other recipe kits, and found that Blue Apron had significantly more veggies than the others, so we are pretty loyal now.
LH says
My husband does all the cooking. I can cook, but hate doing it (except baking). He makes really simple meals but they’re relatively healthy. We usually eat baked fish or sauteed chicken with a side of roasted or steamed vegetables and an instant rice or baked potato for starch. It is a bit boring and repetitive, but it’s easy and relatively healthy. We also eat out at least a couple times a week and even though restaurant food isn’t generally so healthy, I think it’s fine because we eat pretty well the rest of the week.
Anonymous says
I do love to cook but time is a problem so we have a lot of quick pantry “meals” that work. I have to send lunch to daycare for my toddler and when we don’t have appropriate leftovers I do things like:
-canned chicken
-canned beans
-frozen corn or peas
either individually or some mix of those together. If I have leftover rice, that works well in there too.
We also keep mandarin orange cups around so there’s always a fruit. We also keep frozen fruit on hand (mango, strawberry, mixed berries) and he’ll eat those semi-thawed.
Quick meal/snacks –
-leftover oatmeal with raisins, peanut butter
-banana and peanut butter
-scrambled egg, recently started to make with shredded zucchini
J says
Pre-kids (when I watched way too much tv), I watched tons of Food Network. Both it and the Cooking Channel (or whatever it is called – we don’t get it in our cable package these days but it is a sister network of Food Network) taught me so much. I really like Barefoot Contessa, Pioneer Woman, and in small doses, Rachel Ray and Bobby Flay. The Kitchen is good. I’d really recommend having some of these on in the background while you do chores or making a point of picking one to watch regularly on DVR. You’ll learn lots of random, basic, helpful things.
Shorty says
Looking for recs for work appropriate maternity clothes for shorter ladies. For context, when not pregnant, I almost always wear petite clothing and am about 5″2. Last time around, I ended up shortening a few dress, but they never looked exactly “right.” Any suggestions would be helpful.
Thanks!
Anonymous says
ASOS has some cute petite maternity dresses!
GCA says
On the casual side of business casual, the Old Navy dolman-sleeve dress featured here a few months back runs short on me (5’4) (or perhaps it’s my giant belly?). Link to follow.
GCA says
https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=196762002&rrec=true&mlink=5050,12413545,onproduct1_rr_1&clink=12413545 If you poke around on the site you may find it in other colors as well – I have one in black and one vibrant orangey-red.
Anonymous says
As a heads up, I ordered this and found it veeerrry bodycon on my curvy preggo body. I didn’t feel comfortable wearing it out with friends and definitely would not wear it to work. Obviously this is not the case for everyone– I can see this being appropriate on someone with much smaller hips/butt than me.
shortperson says
i am 5’1″ and actually found it not that hard. normally non maternity clothes make me look pregnant but that was not an issue with maternity clothes! i had to get all pants shortened of course. i mainly wore isabella olivier and loft.
AIMS says
I think Loft has a few options. I was a big fan of their petite maternity pants.
Tired... So Tired says
My husband and I both have relatively “big” jobs, and we have a 10 month old, 3 year old, and 5 year old. I am a income partner in Big Law, and so, I cannot easily take a day (or even a morning) off without having to make up the hours another time- particularly given that I returned from maternity leave at the beginning of the year and had to ramp up. (Also, my husband decided to get another advanced degree, and so, I was solo parenting a lot during the first half of the year while trying to come back from maternity leave, which did not help the billable hour situation.)
From June until the end of August, we will have had various company staying at our house for over 30 days- all my husband’s friends and family. In addition, my husband’s department has an annual BBQ that was foisted upon us last minute (for the second year in a row) where we have between 35 and 50 people at our house. The BBQ was two weeks ago, and I ended up doing the majority of planning and shopping- because he was tired. I did 100% of the clean-up.
As an aside, my husband determined that we should buy a lake house get-away, and we bought a fixer upper in November that we have now largely rehabbed. I agreed to making this purchase, but this is not “my thing”. The lake house is not relaxing for me at all because it is difficult to deal with the busy 10 month old there- as compared to our larger and safer house in the city where I can take him for walks easily and go to the park. My husband has shown that he would like to go there every weekend where it is remotely possible- even if only for a few hours. I told him after this past weekend that it is not relaxing for me to go there and watch our three kids as he deals with projects.
The next round of company comes next Wednesday, and I had suggested getting a babysitter for a large portion of Saturday to just unwind and to not have the kids in tow. (I feel as though all I do is work, childcare, and entertain folks in my home, and I am exhausted.) I had offered a few suggestions of things that we could do… including just life maintenance items and even going up to the lake for the day without kids. My husband has just refused to indicate whether he would be interested in this.
This morning I pressed him on the topic, and he indicated that he did not want to get a sitter unless we had plans, which we do not. I told him that was fine, but I am not going to the lake this weekend with the little guy. Then, I said that if he planned to go with the older kids that he should let me know because I might still get a sitter for a couple of hours so that I could go catch-up on work. He totally snapped at me and told me that I was being negative and punitive. I told him that since he has refused to plan anything that I wanted to make it clear as to what I would not want to do this weekend.
We rarely fight. And, I feel a little blind-sided by this. I am just so tired. I had a difficult pregnancy, and I basically went for over a year without sleeping through the night. I just wanted a day off. I fully understand that I am very lucky to have the resources to potentially hire someone to give me a day off. But I did not think that this was a controversial request to have one day where I was not completely beholden to work and children (or guests).
I do not really need advice. I just needed a place to vent. I feel tired and sad, and I needed to just tell someone. Anonymous internet strangers seemed like the easiest place to vent, because I love my husband and my life. I just need a break.
Anonymous says
You love your husband and rarely fight because you do everything for him. You aren’t a child. You don’t need his permission to get a babysitter. Hire one. Make him take all the kids to the lake. Leave when he throws a last minute party. You should be fighting!!!!!!
anon says
THIS. Good lord. Hire a babysitter and leave. You can take a day off whenever you want to (work deadlines permitting). I promise.
Anonymous says
+1,000 and then some
Anonymous says
definitely hire a babysitter and/or foist kids on your husband and say you need a day off. bigger picture though it sounds like you guys maybe need to have a talk about how you’re coping and how he can do a better job pitching in and not making things more difficult for you inadvertently. To give him the benefit of the doubt, it sounds like he really might be clueless to the extent to which you’re carrying an unreasonable burden in your household and you need to just tell him.
Sarabeth says
I’m sure he has redeeming qualities, but your husband is not coming off well in this story, at all. I think the only thing you can do about it is set limits on what you will do and let him deal with picking up the slack. For example, in the case of the company BBQ, you would be totally within your rights to refuse to organize it. He can deal with it, or he can learn to say no when the company asks if y’all can host. Likewise, you can tell him that you need a day off from childcare this weekend – he can take care of the kids, or you can get a sitter, but you are not available.
mascot says
+1. Also, I’d make it a condition of hosting any company function of that size that they provide a caterer/bartender/clean-up. If they don’t like that, they can find another free space. It’s not an unreasonable ask.
shortperson says
i am a biglaw associate with two kids (baby and preschooler) and we have a babysitter every sunday afternoon for 4-6 hours. sometimes more. it is necessary to our mental health. that way i can rely on getting work done or having personal time without fighting about it. we would also never throw an event at our house without hiring someone to do the cleanup. we have regular housecleaning and we hire extra for special events. we are just not going to deal.
BTanon says
Wow wow wow. You are doing SO much – please make the executive decision here that you guys need to hire more help. At a bare minimum, you need a few blocks of babysitting asap to recharge (which absolutely counts as “plans” in my book). Longer term, consider what else you can outsource. Some good suggestions have been posted by others here already as well as on prior similar threads. There’s a reason why it’s a recurring theme on this s!te.
I’m going to speculate that your husband’s sense of what home life “should” be like (eg. constant hosting friends, BBQ hosting, lake house projects) may be skewed by what his workplace peers are able to do with stay-at-home wives and/or full-time housekeepers. Whatever the origin of the unrealistic expectations, what you are describing is really incredible and truly unsustainable – as a team, you guys can decide to say “no” way more frequently, hire a LOT more help, or some combination thereof. The current state is just bananas.
Anon says
If this was me I’d genuinely be on the verge of a breakdown and in desperate need of some downtime. Just reading your post made me exhausted for you! Please take care of yourself and hire a babysitter. If DH would not like you to hire a sitter, then have him watch all three kids and you go to a coffee shop for th afternoon to relax and get done what you need to on your laptop. I hope things calm down a bit for you!
Eh says
Ok, this is going to be critical. I want to be gentle but feel it is more important in this instance to be direct. If you do not want that, you might want to skip this.
1) Your husband’s friends and family in your house for over a month is too long. This is part of why you are tired and sad.
2) You did not have to plan and shop for your husband’s work event. Are his legs broken? No? Then he can go to the store. Don’t do his tasks for him. And damn sure don’t do 100% of the cleanup. Did he just sit around and watch you clean up after his party that you threw for him? Don’t let him do that!
3) Good job on telling him you don’t want to go to the lakehouse and manage three kids by yourself while he is tinkering around. That sounds awful.
4) The round of company coming on Wednesday should get a hotel. “I’m so sorry, we’ve had some things come up, and you’ll have a much better time if you stay at the Marriott nearby.” You do not have to elaborate further.
5) Get the babysitter for Wednesday. Make your own plans. If your husband won’t commit to the plans, his loss. Get the sitter. Go to a spa.
lsw says
I echo all of this. You are also a superwoman; I can’t believe you do all this. Tell him you need him to do more.
Spirograph says
I echo all of it, too.
Hugs, the first year is so hard. The first year of the third child is so hard. And I did it with smaller jobs and way less family visiting than you’ve described! You need and deserve a break, and your husband needs to step it up. This is absolutely a situation where you need to put on your own oxygen mask. It sounds like you have money to throw at babysitters and hotels, so please take advantage of it and give yourself some mental health time.
PregLawyer says
Please help with my crazy 3 year old. We are having major issues at night with him right now. He will fight going to bed and will scream at us at the top of his lungs trying to get our attention. He takes off his diaper; stands at the gate at his door yelling “something’s wrong with me;” asks for hugs; asks for us to rub his back; says he had a bad dream when he wasn’t actually sleeping; lies and says he lost his favorite stuffed animal; etc.
He also will do this in the middle of the night, sometimes for up to 2 hours at a time. We have a gate across his door so he can’t leave and we ended up taking the light bulbs out of his overhead light last night so he can’t turn his light all the way on (he has a nightlight). We go to him and try to soothe whatever is bothering him, but then it turns into him literally clinging to us and preventing us from leaving. I’ve tried laying down with him — he says “bye bye” after a few minutes, I leave, and then he freaks out all over again. We’ve tried being stern with him; we’ve tried letting him cry it out. Nothing seems to work.
There’s a lot of change going on right now, so we think it’s a transition thing — new room at daycare; 5 month old baby sister; potty training. But we simply don’t know how to deal with it. And we’re EXHAUSTED. When he starts screaming he wakes up the baby, who already still nurses twice a night. And we can’t switch off, because when he’s yelling it’s impossible for one of us to sleep.
Has anyone dealt with this before? Is this “normal,” or does this rise to the level of getting a doctor/therapist involved?
AwayEmily says
I’m sorry, this sounds really hard. One thing that helped a bit when my 2.5year old was having bedtime trouble is to talk during the day about how if she needs to cry at night, that’s okay. She can cry as much as she needs to. And that sometimes Dada and I got sad in the middle of the night too. We also talked about things she could do when she felt sad at night (make a nest in her bed, think about the zoo, etc). These talks didn’t, like cure her overnight but “normalizing” crying did seem to reduce the severity and frequency of the bouts.
EB0220 says
My daughter was like this around 3. We finally figured out that she would initially just be amused by our reactions to her request and then she’d get herself completely worked up. That’s when we’d get the yelling/crying/stalling out of control situation. What we finally landed on, courtesy of my husband, was that we give her whatever she’s asking for but we don’t engage with her otherwise. For example, in the “before” world, it might go something like this:
Kid asks for a glass of water. Parent ignores her. Requests escalate and end in sobbing.
or
Kid asks for a glass of water. Parent explains that she already had one glass and doesn’t need another and that she needs to lay down already. Kids makes multiple additional requests, increasing in loudness and frequency. Again ends in sobbing.
New version:
Kid asks for glass of water. Parent gives kid glass of water without making eye contact or speaking, then leaves the room.
or
Kid asks for back pats. Parent pats back for one minute without eye contact/talking then leaves.
She still gets up once or twice occasionally, but just as often she doesn’t get up at all. I think the bedtime drama is her feeling insecure and attempts to deny or ignore just escalate that feeling. Also, if we fight it in some way, that’s interesting to her and she keeps doing it. If we give her what she’s asking for without comment, it’s totally boring and she quickly realizes she might as well just sleep.
Not sure if this will work – parenting is such a “throw spaghetti against the wall” type thing – but worth a try!
Frozen Peach says
Yes, thinking about this as fundamentally about bids for attention helped us. So we were attentive parents, but we minimized the amount of emotional or other attention kiddo was getting. We also talked about “play quiet”– our 3 year old daughter knows that if she wakes up in the night or early morning and can’t sleep, she’s allowed to play quietly in her room. This morning she woke around 5 and by the time I went in at 7 she had created an entire doll hospital. I worry that she doesn’t get enough unstructured playtime because she always wants to be with us when we are home. So this is great!
We also got some immediate relief from the Okay to Wake owl before the novelty wore off. Hang in there. It will pass. You may also be in a “wonder week” that will just end fairly soon. SOLIDARITY.
EB0220 says
My 3 year old recently CUT BANGS for herself when she woke up before the rest of us. She did such a good job that I didn’t notice until we were eating breakfast and I thought to myself “She sure does look grown-up today.” Yay for unstructured play but next time I’m hiding the scissors!
Anonymous says
That’s hilarious. Maybe it’s her future career!
AIMS says
This is more or less what we do when our 2.5 y.o. asks us to cover her or give her water 15 times. If we stick to it, it gets boring for her really quickly and she stops. The problem is when she says something really funny or charming and we linger or laugh, but I’m okay with that.
Also: I totally used to cut bangs for myself as a kid when I woke up early. More than once and always only half a bang at a time “so no one would notice.”
Nanny with breast cancer says
We just found out that our nanny who has been with us for 4 years — since my oldest was 4 months — has breast cancer. It’s at least stage 2 but we are waiting on further tests for more precise diagnosis and a treatment plan.
I love her like a family member and I’m devastated. I’ve been crying on and off at work the last two days. I thought about telling my colleagues, but I’m worried they won’t understand since she’s not a family member.
Our nanny seems to be in a state of shock (understandably) and really worried about how she will handle treatment. Her husband has Alzheimer’s on top of everything. We know she will need surgery, chemo, and radiation, but no idea how long treatment will take.
I want to let her know that we are there for her and will support her through this. I’d love for her to return to work after her treatment, but I don’t want to pressure her to make plans or commitments before she is ready. Advice on how to handle the situation? I’m having a hard time facing the prospect of searching for a replacement. We love her so much and hoped she would stay with our family for many years to come.
AIMS says
I’m so very sorry. I think statistics are in her favor but that doesn’t mean it will be an easy road and this is obviously very stressful. I would imagine that one of the things she is currently worried about it is finances – how will she work, pay for medical costs, etc. I’m not sure what “we are there for her and will support her through this” means to you but I would try to figure this out and talk to her about what you are able/willing to do and then make a plan for going forward.
Another way you may help is if you have any doctor recommendations to make. It’s been my experience that one of the “perks” of being in the “professional” class, so to speak, is you often know doctors and other people who can recommend a great doctor or the “best” hospital or the like. Sometimes that’s not necessary. Sometimes it makes a huge difference.
paging summa travel says
Saw your post yesterday – you could fit two carseats in the back of a Kia Soul, but the rear facing ones will be a squeeze for grown-ups. If you have one of each, I would put the rear facing one behind the passenger. FWIW, I now have a turbobooster high back and a turbobooster low back in mine. My third child sits in the middle, which is not the most comfortable, but he’s skinny (and tall, so no longer in a booster), and I don’t use it for long distances.
thank you notes for interview says
I am meeting with 9 (!) people in an interview next week, flying in and out the same day. How long of a window do you guys think I have for email thank yous?
GGFM says
The sooner the better. To me, they get harder to write the longer I wait, and having also been on the receiving end, it seems normal to receive them right away, and a little strange when it’s a week later. I say Monday morning at the latest.
anon says
I’d send them out that night or the morning after you get back. Do you know who you are meeting with already? Go ahead and pre-draft something to make it a bit easier.
And, this is my own pet peeve for sure and maybe a law thing, but I always think it’s a nice touch to thank everyone you meet with, not just the partners. As a senior associate, I’m taking time away from day as well to do the interview, write up the evaluation, etc.
Anonymous says
That night would be ideal, the next day is ok, anything longer than that is unacceptable.