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I went to college in the South. Technically it was the “mid-Atlantic” region, but south of the Mason-Dixon line. (If I reveal which state, I’m sure there will be a debate about whether this is really “the South” — anyone want to take a guess?) Needless to say, I wore a lot of pastel polo shirts during that time in my life, and they still have a soft spot in my heart. I really like this pointelle polo shirt from Zara. It looks like a good early fall transition shirt, and the khaki and eggplant colors are deep jewel tones. I also like that this has a polo collar, but is more fashion-y. No little-man-on-a-horse logo required. The shirt is $25.90 at Zara and comes in sizes S, M, and L. Pointelle Polo For plus sizes, Talbots has a pointelle sweater that’s on sale for $49.50, is machine washable, comes in four size ranges, and is available in five colors; Macy’s has a pointelle cardigan that comes in 0X–3X, but note that it’s hand wash only. This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 3.28.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Adulting says
Following up to my question posted late yesterday… thanks for the responses and point heard about life insurance. To that end, how do you determine how much is needed (I have an idea – debts + living expenses should surviving spouse be out of work – but is there any hard and fast math?) and should I be using a broker to get a policy or should I go direct? What can I expect from buying a policy – is there a physical and blood work, etc, for underwriting?
Boston Legal Eagle says
We went with a 20 year term, $1 million for each of us. Didn’t do any real math, but just figured this is a nice round number that would hopefully replace our salaries and cover expenses for our kids for the next 15-20 years. I don’t think a broker is necessary – you can google best insurance carriers. You can also get quotes for various companies from policygenius. Yes, we had to do a physical and blood work. Mine was a pain because I had to drive to the clinic, but for my husband’s policy, they came to our house and did everything there, which is super convenient.
Anonymous says
+1 DH and I have $1M each as well. It’s enough to pay off our house, tuition for 4 years of college for each of our kids, and allow the surviving spouse to be off work for a few years. We did not intend life insurance to replace our lifetime earnings or retirement contributions or anything like that, just to ease the financial strain on the other spouse while the family dealt with the loss.
Spirograph says
+1 We each have $1mil as well, plus whatever is offered through our employers, which is around $250k each, I believe. I used Selectquote, and was pleased with the experience. A nurse came to our house for the physical and bloodwork, which was great.
Radical career and lifestyle changes would definitely be on the table if we ever needed to use the policy, so it wasn’t as much about maintaining the status quo, as giving options to the surviving spouse or kids’ guardians.
Anonymous says
We went with $1M. That wouldn’t set me and the kids up for life, but would allow me to take an extended time off work without having to move or change our lifestyle.
ifiknew says
We did $1.5mm for me and $1mm for spouse (mostly because his health numbers came in just shy of being the “cheapest” premium).
We used policygenius, which is like an online broker and I couldn’t recommend it enough for how easy and user friendly it was . I think the rates we got were far better than friends that used brokers and the company that insures you, in our case AIG and Bannerlife are A+ rated and very trustworthy.
Anonymous says
I have $3mm and my husband has $6mm. I highly recommend sitting with an insurance broker to figure out what you actually will need in the case of devastating circumstances. There is blood work and a weight check etc (not a full physical) involved.
Anonymous says
We have much less than most people – only $200k on each of us. Neither of us would want to quit our jobs if we’re widowed and we can each support the family on one salary, so the money is mostly just to hire extra help for the surviving parent and contribute a bit to the college funds. If we both die, our guardians are my well-off parents. If that changes and we have a non-family member as a guardian we would get more life insurance so if we both die our children wouldn’t be a financial burden on their caretakers.
BigLaw Sr Assoc says
Similar, we have $250k each, but we cover all expenses on about one-third one of our post-tax salaries. If we would both pass, $500k would be enough to cover what our kids need.
octagon says
We have 1.5M on each of us, but staggered. We took out 750K policies six years ago when it was just us – enough to pay off the house and have plenty of leftover to take time off and figure out what comes next. Then after kiddo was born we took out a second $750K policy that will cover us through the college years — if one of us dies in the five year period where we only have 750K, that still should be enough to pay for college and there should be plenty of equity in the house to either sell or cash out to take time off.
I strongly encourage anyone thinking about the worst-case scenario to plan for the surviving spouse to be out of work for several months, if not longer. A dear friend was suddenly widowed and there was just no way she could work for at least four months – in addition to the funeral and administrative issues, she needed to be physically present for her kids as much as possible, as well as take care of herself in her own grief. Life insurance and a supportive boss made it possible for her to take an extended unpaid leave without worrying.
Anonymous says
Yes, this. I’m only 34 but have known 2 people die leaving a spouse and children (one was an illness, the other a freak accident). In both cases, working straight through was unimaginable.
CCLA says
I highly recommend looking into long term disability insurance as well. If one or both of you/spouse were to become disabled and unable to work, or unable to work at anywhere near the same earning capacity, and/or unable to stay at home and parent, such that childcare is still a big expense, that disability could be just as financially devastating as loss of life. Some employers provide coverage, but it’s not always great. It is more nuanced than life insurance especially for certain occupations, but well worth the peace of mind in my opinion.
Anon says
Virginia?
Anonymous says
Maryland?
FVNC says
MD is my guess, too! :-)
MD resident says
MD is the only state that fits. Although I grew up in the actual South and MD is pretty different.
A different MD resident says
Another guess for MD. My northern friends and family think it’s the South, my southern friends and family disagree.
EB0220 says
Virginia is definitely The South so I guess MD too. :)
FVNC says
…although, a work colleague in NY recently ask me if I considered Virginia (where I live, and not in NoVA!) to be the South, and was surprised when I said yes!
EB0220 says
Ha, that’s true…NoVA is different but the rest of Virginia is VERY southern. (I lived in Richmond and went to grad school at UVa.) Although having lived in LA, TX, TN, and both Carolinas I will say that VA is its own special breed of south.
Anonymous says
I thought MD at first but pastel polos really made me think VA!
Turtle says
My ATL born and raised husband insists I didn’t go to school in the South, even though I went to school in Virginia. So, that’s my guess.
anon says
ha ha ha ha, I definitely wore pastel polos to college in the south!
KateMiddletown says
MD for sure.
Anonymous says
I’m curious to know what kinds of things you do to help your kids appreciate their privilege. I grew up what I then considered upper middle class, but I would now consider quite wealthy (we went to Europe multiple times per year, my parents paid upwards of $20k/year for me to do an expensive hobby, they paid for my private college in full). I don’t think I was spoiled, in that I was well-behaved and wasn’t demanding, but I definitely took what I had for granted. It was a rude awakening when my parents suffered a temporary financial setback and didn’t pay for my grad program, but I think it helped me grow up a lot and realize that if I want nice things I have to work for them. DH and I are not as well off as my parents, but very comfortable and our kids will want for nothing, especially with wealthy grandparents on both sides. Any suggestions for how to make my kids appreciate how well off they are and not take their parents and grandparents’ money for granted?
Cb says
My kiddo isn’t old enough for this to be an issue but I’ve seen some interesting discussions on the Conscious Kiddo instagram account. I think I’d just expose them to the world – and not in Thanksgiving soup kitchen way. Send them to diverse schools, encourage them to make friends outside their bubble, talk about the news and politics and social justice.
Anonymous says
I don’t have kids yet, but isn’t one obvious solution to just not give your kids everything even if you are financially able? For example, set a clothing budget and don’t just buy them whatever they want. Don’t take extravagant trips constantly. Require that they get a summer job during high school or encourage them to babysit during middle school, and then make sure they set aside some of the money for future college living expenses. Don’t hand them your credit card when they go off to college. Don’t fund grad school.
I don’t think there’s any way to give your kids everything and at the same time teach them to not take things for granted.
OP says
I don’t think it’s quite this simple. Certainly we won’t give them *everything* they want and it’s easy for us to limit stuff like clothes and toys (the grandparents are a different story though…). But we love to travel internationally and aren’t going to stop just because we have kids. School is really important to us, and to the extent they’re willing and able to do academic stuff in the summers, we would want them to do that even if it doesn’t leave time for a job. It’s important to us (especially to my husband) to pay for the best college they can get into so they don’t feel pressured to go to a state school for money reasons. It’s not like we’re going to hand them our credit cards and say “Buy whatever you want!!” but the reality is they’re going to have more advantages than many of their peers, and I’m looking for ways to give them perspective about those advantages without taking them away.
lawsuited says
Split the difference on all this stuff. Re: working, don’t require that they have a part-time job during the school year or a full-time job during the summer, but encourage them to at least work part-time during the summer. Re: trips, go on the trips, but require them so save and budget their own spending money. Re: college, pay for tuition OR living expenses (probably whichever is cheaper) but not both so that there is some correlation for your kid between the school/living choices they make and the money they have to spend.
rosie says
I think these are all very good suggestions, but not enough. I feel in a similar boat to the OP. I babysat & worked summers in high school, but it was very much because I wanted to, not because I had to. I think that is a really important thing to understand–when I went to college, it took me a while to understand that my working at a summer camp doing activities I liked was not the same as my roommate who worked at a drive-through (and looking back, that is something I feel bad about). So while having the jobs and saving money were certainly good lessons for me, they did not really make me confront my privilege. Acknowledging/appreciating/understanding privilege is not pretending not to have it.
(Sorry if this is not super coherent, I am having trouble putting my thoughts on this into words.)
Anonymous says
Let them want for something. Just because you can give them everything doesn’t mean you should.
Anonymous says
Put them in public schools. Don’t join a country club. Give generously and let them see that.
Sarabeth says
Send them to public schools, live in a economically diverse neighborhood.
Anonymous says
Are there even economically diverse neighborhoods anymore?
I grew up in a tiny town where the doctor (like the sole doctor) lived in the same zip code as the guy in an apartment on disability. I really don’t see that anymore, anywhere. Like a neighborhood where no one has a college degree and then one where everyone has multiple degrees. [Or like how our police and firefighters and teachers have to drive in from 3-4 counties over b/c it is just too expensive but we all need civil servants.]
Anonymous says
Yes there are.
Anon says
Yes, I live in one. We have the worst rated school in the district. (Although if you dig into the scores, it’s because our state gives standardized tests in English only, and the majority of the school doesn’t start learning English until first grade and isn’t fluent until much later.) I talked to many teachers and principals and feel confident the teaching is better than most, and the school is just as safe as some of the richer suburbs around us.
Just going to the school isn’t enough though. My kids (and my DH and I) are learning the most common language in our neighborhood and we make an effort to encourage friendships across language and economic barriers. It won’t do my kids any good to play with the kids at recess but then never be allowed to go to their homes and never see parents interacting at the playground.
It’s an effort, but DH and I grew up in rural America and all our relatives are MAGA devotees. We are trying to make a conscious effort to combat those messages for our kids and ensure they have real-life counterpoints to the little bit of garbage they overhear at holidays and reunions (before we shut it down).
Anon in NYC says
By me, yes, there are many economically diverse neighborhoods (and plenty of neighborhoods stratified into uniformly wealthy or primarily less wealthy). The challenge is that an economically diverse neighborhood will often have public schools that have lower test scores, which can be a deal breaker for a lot of people, so people self segregate. It’s not that the schools are necessarily bad, but like the Anon at 10:45 posted, there can be a lot of reasons for the scores that have nothing to do with the quality of the teaching or the safety of the school.
ElisaR says
hmmm not sure what part of the country you live in. I live in NJ and it’s pricey. But we most certainly have civil servants living in the same zip code as doctors!!! I find that “zip code” reference odd — there are probably economically diverse people across most (if not every) zip code.
Anonymous says
In my zip, there are people in the 1%. And when they retire, their income drops, but they are still rich. And there are some people with family $ but not much in the way of income. And some kids just starting out at good jobs (so they have a 3-series, not a 5-series). This is (and yet is absolutely not) income diversity.
The people who work in our grocery store come via the bus from other parts of the city. The manager of the grocery store also does not live nearby. The church has a donated house so that they can house their priest and his family in the neighborhood.
We (big US city) are very wealth-segregated.
OP says
Yes to public schools and no to country clubs (ick). There’s not much economic diversity in our town and even less in our school district. We’re probably better off then most thanks to having two incomes (lots of SAHMs in our area) but I don’t think there are many (any?) kids who aren’t at least middle class.
Anonymous says
This is basically our approach, and it was the approach of my parents. We put a lot of thought into our school district in choosing our house — we have the luxury (oof) of living in a county where the schools pretty much all do a decent job educating their students, but we chose to live in a neighborhood that feeds into schools where the scores are not the best, in part because the ones with the best scores all drew from upper middle class, lily-white neighborhoods.
I traveled quite a bit internationally as a kid, mostly because my parents worked internationally and one parent is from a different country. Since we spent a lot of time in developing countries, traveling definitely opened my eyes to my privilege rather than the opposite.
One of my kids is starting to get really interested in numbers and quantifying things, and I’m a little uncomfortable by him constantly asking me how much our house cost, how much money I make, etc. I don’t want to stifle his curiosity, but I don’t recall ever having these conversations with my parents, and I don’t want to tell him that I make what is really an absurd amount of money in the scheme of things (biglaw mom here) and then have him blab about it to his friends at school. He’s only 5, so I’m probably overthinking this!
FVNC says
I’m glad you asked this question, because I’ve been wondering this too. While my husband and I don’t come from the same wealth you described, our family is very comfortable financially. We’re pretty liberal with treats (ice cream, souvenir from museum, etc.) in a way that I never had growing up, and that is starting to make me a bit uncomfortable.
My kids are almost 5 and ~18 mos, and I’ve started talking to the older one about money fairly openly. For example, when shopping for a friend’s birthday present, telling her that the toy she picked out for her friend is too expensive. Or having her use her piggy bank money to buy treats. And of course the standard working parent line, “you have to go to school because mommy and daddy work so you can have [food/toy/vacation/whatever]”.
Also, our kid attends kindergarten at a majority-minority public school where something like 80% of kids qualify for free lunch so she’ll have exposure to economic and racial diversity which I think will be helpful.
Anonymous says
My parents were wealthy, although maybe not as wealthy as you describe. They did some good things, like teaching me good habits with money, not buying me everything I might have wanted, and encouraging me to earn some of my own money. That’s all fine, but it didn’t give me perspective on my privilege. That’s because I always “knew” that my parents would be able to buy me whatever I needed, that they’d prioritize my education, and that they’d pay for me to pursue expensive hobbies if they could. Even now, as an adult, I know that they’d bail me out in a true crisis, and I will likely inherit a substantial amount of money (no guarantees, obviously)–that gives me a sense of security that I know others don’t have, even when the day-to-day finances are tough.
To be honest, I didn’t have any perspective on my privilege until I began talking to peers with different circumstances in high school and college. And, oh boy, I did and said some cringe-worthy things, but I learned. So, I guess my advice is to put them in situations where they’re around an economically diverse group of people–public school, place of worship, real jobs, etc. Also, volunteering is good, but it doesn’t give you the same perspective unless you have a long-term commitment/engagement with a particular community–in other words, if you’re just a tourist for a day or a week, you probably aren’t challenging your world view.
Anonymous says
This. My family was financially comfortable, but both my parents had a very frugal mindset. This translated to clothing budgets, packed lunches everywhere, and avoiding gift shops, but we had nice family vacations, music lessons, and a horse. Music lessons were contingent on diligent practicing, and my sister had to work at the stable in exchange for the boarding her horse. We learned to be responsible with money, but I didn’t really have perspective on my privilege until I enlisted in the military, and wow was that eye-opening.
We also talk about economic difference, and why we donate money and items through various charities. The church food pantry mission is especially easy for the kids to understand, so I like to have them help shop for food donations, and when they get a little older, they can help with sorting and distribution as well. The basic message is that we are very fortunate to have enough money for everything we need, and some people are not, so we are going to be good neighbors and share with them.
Our immediate neighborhood isn’t economically diverse, but the area and public schools are. My oldest just started K, so I am not sure yet how this will play out. I want to encourage him to have friends from different backgrounds, but I’m not sure how to assist in a practical sense.
Redux says
This is a total side point, but a friend of mine who grew up outside the US once told me that she found it a fascinating cultural phenomenon that pretty much everyone in the US thinks they are “middle class,” *especially* people like your family growing up who were obviously wealthy from what you describe.
OP says
I think part of is also how you define wealth. They were never extremely high-earners…I think at their peak they maybe earned around $150k combined and for most of my childhood is was probably less than $100k. But they live in a very LCOL area and never upgraded their tiny house that was paid off when I was a toddler or their rusty old cars, so basically all their income went into the bank and they amassed a million dollar net worth quickly and now have multi-millions. When I was growing up I didn’t think of us as wealthy because most of my friends had much larger homes and newer cars, and in my expensive hobby I met people who were truly insanely wealthy – like they flew on private jets and had butlers and stuff like that (!). Even now, with a $3M+ net worth my parents would never dream of flying first class because “that’s for rich people.”
Redux says
Oh totally. I used to think of an elementary-era friend as “poor” because she brought her lunch in used paper sacks. Sometimes the paper sack would have a drawing or message on it from some holiday gone by, like a drawing of a jack-o-lantern in November. Meanwhile, she lived in a million-dollar home and her dad was a nuclear scientist. Turns out they were just environmentalists.
But isn’t it funny that “middle class” covers such a giant swath of the population in America? A swath that by any other measure would be called “wealthy”? How very American.
anon says
My plan is to make my son get a job when he’s old enough. A “real” job like at a restaurant, bagging groceries, something like that. I want him to have a boss, learn responsibility, and see real people (not just teenagers from wealthy families) who work in those types of jobs and have to support themselves.
Anonymous says
A number of folks have mentioned the whole “diverse neighborhood” / “bad test scores in school” issue, which I am dealing with now. I’d love to stay in my very mixed, lively, cosmopolitan neighborhood, but the local school would be considered “failing” based on test scores. How can I evaluate to what degree the problem is the population of the school (i.e. being diverse/somewhat poor) versus bad teaching/environment (understanding that there is likely an interplay between the two)? I feel like judging schools entirely on test scores is narrow minded but at the same time feel very unequipped to evaluate schools through any other means.
Anon says
Schedule a visit with the principal. Ask to talk to teachers. Ask very pointed questions, as they’re clearly aware of the rankings and should have specific reasons for why those test scores are low, and specific plans to address those reasons. Most states post demographic breakdowns of their scores (many are linked directly from zillow so you can just keep clicking through to get to them, or you’ll find them on the district website) so you can drill into kids with similar backgrounds as yours to see how their demographic fares on the tests.
Talk to parents at the local playground and see if they know kids who have gone through the school. You’ll get some people who hate it because it’s diverse, but dig into what the underlying problems are. And then ask the principal/ teachers about that. “I heard from a neighbor at the playground that the kids are divided into two groups – rich vs poor – and don’t interact. Can you comment on that?” etc.
Anonymous says
I’m going to explain this as succinctly as I can, and it may come across as rude and judgmental, but I don’t mean it that way: I compared the test scores against the student demographics. I made a BIG assumption that lower income and ESL students would have a lower score as a default if the teaching were ineffective; and the English first language, regular priced lunch students would default to a passing score. So if the test scores showed that a larger portion of the students than I “expected” had passing scores, I chalked that up to effective teaching.
From there, I looked at disciplinary incidents. Violent offenses were obviously a big red flag and I weighed them more heavily than non-violent / property damage type incidents. I also noted the suspensions & expulsions. Then I ran some google searches and read parent reviews (with a grain of salt). I talked to parents in the neighborhood. My kids’ elementary school is rated a 3 or 4 on Great Schools, but all my neighbors love it.
I also recommend reading up on the DOE’s definitions of Focus and Priority schools and how those programs apply to your neighborhood school.
FVNC says
So, we’re in that situation now–my daughter’s school is one of the two “worst” schools in the city, defined by test scores. We basically did what Anon above recommends: met with the principal, took a tour of the school, talked to parents of kids who sent their children there, etc. One benefit of her school being “as bad” as it is, is that there are extra enrichment classes available like music and art, which (sadly) aren’t available at all the city schools. The principal is young and enthusiastic. I’m not super impressed with her teachers so far, but I figure as long as she’s happy, safe, and learning things, it’s fine. Kindergarten =/= AP calc. We’ll see how this year goes, and if it’s good, we’ll continue there for first grade. If not, we’ll look into private schools.
Sarabeth says
All of this – visit, talk to any current parents you can find. I live in an economically diverse neighborhood, and our school is even more so. The test scores are terrible, but they are actually pretty good in comparison to the demographics of the school. The rate of suspensions is reasonable, there aren’t really any actual violent incidents on the annual report. And we knew parents whose kids went there and were happy, so we were comfortable sending our kids there.
No school is a good fit for every kid – but by that token, why not at least try out the one that fits your values?
DLC says
I highly highly highly recommend reading the book The Opposite of Spoiled by Ron Lieber. He writes about how to talk with your children about money and how these discussions are useful regardless of a family’s income. I found it really helpful in terms of framing ideas of allowance, jobs, family giving and privilege. He talked to a lot of families about their strategies, and even though I didn’t necessarily agree with every example he gave, the idea that we cannot put on blinders and keep our kids in the dark about money and values really spoke to me. Another thing he wrote that stuck with me is that he said there are generally three characteristics of “spoiled” children regardless of income level: lack of chores, a lot of material possessions, little to no guidelines or rules.
Spirograph says
But there’s more to privilege than money. My parents were married (at least til I was a teenager), they were well educated, had stable and healthy family relationships, and were physically and mentally healthy. They’re white and nth generation Americans. These are the total accidents of birth that I didn’t learn the significance of, or to appreciate, until I was an adult. I tell my kids how lucky they are to be healthy kids in a loving family, but I dont think you can possibly know what that means until you personally know someone who isn’t.
I don’t think I was spoiled; I had chores, my mom made me work at McDonald’s part time even during the school year, and I had to pay for gas and anything discretionary out of that money. But my co-workers and everyone I ever met were other middle class suburban kids, so it didn’t teach me anything about privilege. I honestly thought I was average.
AIMS says
This. So much.
I think one of the best things you can do is expose your kids to different people, viewpoints, experiences.
Teach empathy. The greatest thing my parents did for me was to make me consider how other people lived, felt, and experienced the world. So many conversations revolved around “imagine you’re…” Sometimes the lessons were geographical, sometimes they had to do with different abilities, whatever, the point was always to step out of my own head and think of how someone else might be living. And obviously where possible you should reinforce it with actual experiences. So yes to volunteering, traveling (and not just luxury traveling), etc. Do it early, before it’s seen as a college resume requirement.
Learning Tower says
Anyone have a learning tower? Worth the $200? Better than using a regular kitchen chair or step ladder? My 2.5 year old likes to try to help us in the kitchen but can’t reach the counter easily. We could probably train her to stand safely on a step ladder or kitchen chair (currently she gets distracted and sometimes loses her balance) but I’m curious if these things are worth the money, or if it ends up just being another piece of furniture to have to deal with. If it makes any difference, we also have an infant who would be able to use it in a year or two.
Clara says
Our kitchen is too small for a learning tower so I can’t speak to that, but this fold up step stool has worked well: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01LYW5BFB/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Anon in NYC says
Same. I really wanted one, but they seem enormous. We purchased this stool when kiddo was younger than 2. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00DK3B3DW/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1
It’s seemingly no longer available, but there are similar ones. It has worked well. We were really paranoid when we first got it and would stand behind our kid so she didn’t tip backwards, but now (at 3) she’s completely fine.
Anonymous says
There are knockoff ones for like $50. I definitely wouldn’t pay $200.
AwayEmily says
My mom got us one of the expensive ones and it’s a bit too cumbersome to be honest. It’s a little too big to just hang out in the kitchen, so we keep it in the dining room, and then have to drag it in whenever we want it. But my daughter has loved using it since she was two. A bonus: when she is helping to cook, she’s much more likely to try new foods (ie, to try a bite of mushroom as we are adding it to the soup). I wish we had gotten a smaller, cheaper one.
As for the chair vs learning tower thing…probably a know your kid and know yourself issue? My kid is not quite at the point where I trust her not to fall off a chair (she is very clumsy, much like her mom) so I need those railings for my own peace of mind.
OP says
Thanks! This is our thinking in terms of trying to get her to be more adventurous with food if she’s helped to prepare it. She’s certainly interested in helping but we don’t have the best setup currently. But we also don’t love the idea of a giant piece of furniture taking up valuable floor space in the kitchen.
Anonymous says
google ikea hack for learning tower. I’m not usually big on ikea hacks as they can be complicated but this one is easy.
Marilla says
+1 to this + my husband put it together and it gets daily use for eating at the counter while I prep dinner, handwashing, and baking together.
FVNC says
I guess I’ll be the voice of dissent and say “yes.” We have a collapsible one that we keep folded against the counter when it’s not in use. Our kids love it, and we’re going on about three years of constant use. It’s one of the better purchases we’ve made in terms of cost per use.
OP says
Just did a search for this and thanks for the tip. Not crazy about how much space these things take up, but not sure if my daughter is ready for the step ladder yet either, since we last tried it about 3 months ago. I think I’ll try the step ladder again and if she still doesn’t seem to have the balance or focus to use it I may get one of the collapsable versions.
lsw says
I was planning on buying one of these, then one day my (at the time) one year old just climbed up on the step stool. I was there and I let him to see how it went. It was great! So, now he just uses the step stool. He can’t (or hasn’t tried) to open it himself, but loves to climb and stand on it. He’s 2 now. We have a cheap Cosco folding stool from Ama z on (I think around $30?). So I’m super pleased I didn’t spend the extra $200.
Em says
We got one with a rebate we received from buying some furniture (it was around $140) and it has more than paid for itself. We do most of our cooking and eating at the island in our kitchen and my 2 1/2 year old eats all of his meals on it and also hangs out and plays at the counter while we are cooking or doing other things in the kitchen.
Anonymous says
I got one and it was a lot bigger than I had anticipated. I know some people love it, but it ended up just being a hulking piece of furniture that was neglected in a corner of my kitchen. By the time I bit the bullet to buy it, my kids were used to and preferred to use the foldable step-stool, so it was not a good purchase. They are capable of balancing on the step-stool now, but it was probably not the safest option for the period of about 18 months – 3 years.
HSAL says
Two step foldable stepladder here. I love it. It was under $30 (maybe the same one lsw mentions) and has come in handy for more than just my daughter, but she’s loved using it since before she was 2. I definitely stayed close for the first couple months, but she was able to get up and down safely very quickly.
SG says
We have one! Got it used from a neighbor on NextDoor for $60. Our kitchen is not large but we have a perfect spot for it in front of a door we rarely use. Our 18 month old loves to cook with me and eats half of her meals there.
Anonymous says
We just used the same Rubbermaid step stool we use in the bathroom from 20 mo and it has never been a problem. Obviously at first kid didn’t use it without us there. Did not occur to me a safer option would be needed as it doesnt”t seem at all unsafe..
shortperson says
we have it. bought the standard one full price and it’s been worth it. kid loves to cook, i can have her and a friend in there and no one falls. we do have a large open kitchen. we also use the chalkboard side.
anonforthis says
I have an interesting opportunity referred by a mentor who thinks it will be a better work life balance and more interesting work. I’m only 7 months into a new role and have a 15 month old, but I feel like I’ve made a big mistake as my firm has little to no flexibility and it’s a strict 40 hours in the office. My firm does not do work from home or part-time and really values facetime and that’s been incredibly challenging with a young child.
I want to negotiate what I need upfront, so that the new firm can decide if I’m a good fit or not, but I’m not sure what is the most valuable of the below:
1) Work from home – How often, how much?
2) Part-time – I feel like working 25ish hours a week might be great, maybe 9 am – 2 pm daily or 8 hours 3x week?
3) We plan to try to have another baby early next year, so I don’t know how to broach maternity leave or another baby, I probably won’t mention it at all, but it is definitely on my mind.
What else should I be looking for? I was in my previous role for 6 years and while I had hesitations about the actual work and facetime culture of my current firm, I didn’t realize how much of an issue it would be until I’ve been here a few months.
I’m really weary of making a mistake again, so want to be thoughtful in this next step.
Thanks in advance.
Anonymous says
“Part time” for a lawyer is way more than 25 hours a week. That strikes me as a wildly unreasonable ask. Don’t you have a billable hour minimum? Asking for 75% of the standard billable hours and 75% pay seems fair, but I’m sure will work out to way more than 25 hours/week.
As far as work from home, why do you want it? To cut down on a long commute time, seems pretty reasonable. But I’m not sure it will get you more time with your kids unless you have a long commute. You can’t work from home and take care of a small child at the same time, especially a mobile toddler.
anne-on says
Anonymous, I hope you didn’t think that for most of us WFH=take care of kids and answer emails on the side. My WFH arrangements simply means I’m not in the office, and that I can flex my hours somewhat, not that I don’t hit my full time hourly requirements. In fact, my company requires you to prove that you have full time child care in order to approve any WFH arrangements.
Anyway – yes, I think WFH does allow you a lot more facetime – I can work at the same table my kids are doing homework at, I can answer early AM emails while drinking my coffee while they eat breakfast, I can duck out for a school run and be back online in 10 minutes, I’m physically close to my kiddo’s school so I can join in the random school activities without the commute, etc. etc. etc.
OP says
This is the OP and that’s exactly right anne-on. I think the 10:39 anon’s response on WFH is why so few companies provide it because that is the perception, despite the ridiculous amount of time people waste in an office chat chatting, grabbing lunch, commuting, etc.
I actually dont work in law so I don’t have a billable hour requirement.
Thank you to the response below, that’s helpful to not ask for PT and WFH. I think I will start with asking for PT and see where the conversation goes.
10:29 says
I definitely don’t think all people who work from home are slacking off and wasn’t trying to imply that at all. I guess it depends a lot on your commute and your proximity to your kids’ daycare or school. I work 9-5 in an office but have no problem ducking out in the middle of the day for school events or to bring a lunch to a kid who forgot one. I eat breakfast with my kids every day. I don’t see how working from home would give me more time with them, unless I kept them at home with me, which would be a non-starter with a toddler (might work fine with an older kid who could do homework after school while the parent worked). That’s all I was trying to say. Obviously if you have a significant commute then work from home can save you a lot of time. But most people I know who have a long commute and send their kids to daycare choose a daycare close to their office, so working from home actually requires them to commute more.
anne-on says
I think it’s the “short commute” and “work 9-5” aspect that doesn’t make a WFH situation valuable to you.
I think quite a few of us here have longer (or unpredictable hours) and longer commutes necessitating leaving early and not arriving home until later in the evenings. I know my husband was very sad during the baby years when it felt like he only saw kiddo for 3o minutes total before he went to sleep at night and worked from home sporadically to try to get some more facetime in.
Anonymous says
I’d ask for either WFH or part time but not both. If you’re working three days a week you will want to be in the office on those days.
Surprised at Anon 10:29’s suggestion that WFH doesn’t buy more time. Assuming you’re not video conferencing everyday, not having to do hair/makeup/professional clothes saves me at least a half hour in the mornings. Also, being able to throw in a load of laundry at lunch makes my life run smoother. Kid is at daycare all day if I’m WFH.
10:29 says
I don’t do my hair or wear any makeup, so I guess that’s part of it. I pick out my clothes the night before and have never taken more than a minute or two to do it.
Anonymous says
But even then drycleaning or laundry for work clothes eats up time. My work clothes are generally not machine wash and dry to halving my work laundry is also a time saver.
CCLA says
Since you’re hoping to have another kid in the near future, I’d also think hard about how part-time would affect any paid leave you’d be entitled to. It may be worth it to stay full time with some WFH or similar flexibility options if it means a significant difference in your eligibility for leave for next kiddo. Similarly, consider timing for new company’s benefits – I wouldn’t ask about this up front, but keep in mind that many companies have a waiting period of a year before leave benefits kick in.
Anonymous says
How clean is your house? If you ran into a friend on the street, would you be ok with inviting them in?
I would need at least 10 minutes to put things away, make sure the bathrooms were acceptable, and just make things a little nicer. I wish our place was in a state where I could just have surprise guests.
Anonymous says
G-d no. My husband is always inviting people (including colleagues!) over spontaneously and it drives me crazy because our house is such a disaster most of the time. It looks ok for about 48 hours after our monthly cleaning service comes…
Redux says
Me too. My heart RACES when the doorbell rings. Often my husband is like, Oh, so-and-so is stopping by. ARGH!
mascot says
It’s clean (weekly cleaning service) which means I am comfortable having spontaneous guests. We have a decent baseline for tidy- kitchen gets cleaned up daily, beds are made, we don’t eat outside the kitchen, etc. We may still want 20 minutes to clear up some clutter that got dumped on the counters, put away stray shoes, and generally pick-up. If we can’t get that, then we just apologize for the mess and move on. I think some of this is letting go of perfect and realizing that people live their lives in houses, not magazine pictures.
Anon says
Yep I’d need about 10 minutes to tidy up and run a quick vacuum to pick up all the tufts of dog hair that accumulate, unless it was within 24 hours of the every-other-week cleaning service.
The kids share one bedroom and the other is a playroom, and both of those are disasters. But we keep the living room pretty clean, and we regularly put dishes in the dishwasher, so it’s good enough for most company. We don’t really do things like spontaneously invite the boss or priest over for dinner (does anyone??) so I’m not talking about that level of cleanliness, and I’m not sure that’d be possible for us to even achieve. But for friends and family and neighbors, we’re good enough.
anne-on says
+1 – with a large, black shedding dog, and a long haired fluffy white cat, my floors are nearly always covered in pet hair. Our couches are no pet zones, so they are neat/tidy, and our kitchen/living spaces are always pretty clean and neat but I’d want at least 10 minutes to tidy away dishes in the sink/take out trash/and run a quick vacuum around the worst pet hair accumulation zones!
SC says
Well…Kiddo’s room is clean because he has to put his toys away. I spent 20 minutes on my laundry this morning, so that’s done. But there’s cat vomit on the living room carpet, last night’s and this morning’s dishes are on the kitchen counter, there are clothes all over the bathroom and my husband’s side of the bed, and we probably have 4 loads of laundry to do. Oh, the litter box needs to be scooped. And there’s a pile of stuff that needs to be dealt with in the laundry room–including a mommaroo piled with DH’s clothes (are they even clean? have I mentioned my Kid is 3?).
I would need 4-6 hours before anyone could come over.
ElisaR says
haha I’m with you! Except instead of a mamaroo we store clothes on the rock and play my son no longer fits in….
yeah i’d need a few hours to make my house guest-acceptable.
Edna Mazur says
This is me. At any given time I would need that much time. My house is usually a complete disaster. Right now the upstairs is OK (kitchen would need at least half an hour, husband made pickles last night). My basement is a certifiable wreck.
EP-er says
Yes, people can come over! If we waited until everything was perfect, we would never have people over.
My husband hates a messy house — it caused tension in our marriage. Sometimes I will look around the house and ask myself “What if someone dropped in!?!” These days I’m mostly okay with it.
My kids are both elementary age. They (usually) put away things before they get a new activity out. We make sure to clean up most nights before bedtime. Dishes & counters are cleaned right after we eat. We have been pretty ruthless about de-cluttering & finding homes for things so we know where stuff goes.
I do feel better with a tidier home.
Redux says
What are your tips for decluttering? My house is usually clean, but often messy. Our issue is Too Much Stuff but I hardly know where to begin.
It causes tension in our marriage, too, but mostly because of some internalized anti-feminist bs that I inherited from my mother than makes any comment about the state of our house a targeted attack on my fitness as a person. My husband knows better than to say, “this house is a mess” because I hear “you are a mess.” I’m trying to shed that, but it’s so hard!
EP-er says
My mother didn’t work outside the house when I was growing up. Her house was (and still is) always immaculate. She is always washing her floors or cleaning the carpet. Plus, she doesn’t know how to sit still. I grew up in with these super high expectations. She taught me how to clean, but not how to maintain the house, because that is what she did when we were gone all day. Fast forward to getting married & having a traveling job: I’m too tired to [pick up clothes/sort mail/ put things away.]
My husband has a single working mom. He learned to pick up as you go. MIL’s house isn’t immaculate, but is always tidy. You know how men don’t see the dirt on the counter? I wasn’t seeing the big clutter in the house. So husband would always straighten up after I went to bed… and he got fed up with it and no one straightened anything for a week. And it all hit me.
So what we do: Everything has a home. Try to always keep the horizontal surfaces clean (counters, end tables, hall tables, etc.) This means processing the mail/backpacks as soon as it comes in the house, with most of it getting recycled. We have a container for each of the kids to store important papers for later. We do the dishes/wipe the counters immediately after eating. One of us cooks, the other does the clean up. If the counters are covered in junk, it is really quick! Laundry gets folded and kids are responsible for taking it upstairs that day. Kids vacuum because it is fun! And I honestly evaluated a lot of my knick-knacks. I get more joy out of having clean surfaces than a silly ceramic turtle. (Okay, I made an exception for the turtle…)
Things really are easier with the older kids. No TV after dinner until homework is done & the house is straightened. Put one thing away before getting something new out. They have chores to help out.
I still don’t dust as often as I should, nor do I clean my kitchen floors as often as I’d like. But I’m okay with that for now. We are at a pretty good equilibrium right now.
Redux says
Oh, thank you for this. You first paragraph rings true for me, too: my mom was a SAHM, and meticulous about her house. We helped clean on the weekends (which I grumbled about) but didn’t do much during the week as that was her purview while we were at school. My mom takes a lot of pride in a clean house (and a lot of shame in a dirty one) partially (I think) because she grew up so poor. They didn’t have much but the kids were always bathed and in starched clothing, and the house was extremely clean.
Fast forward to today, my sister and I are both working moms and our houses are way messier than the house we grew up in. My mother is my sister’s primary caregiver and my sister says my mom comments on the state of my sister’s house every single day (a fact I return to when I am feeling crazy jealous that my mom helps my sister so much). Even though she knows our circumstances and priorities are different from her own, she just can’t help herself from vocalizing her judgment. I know it’s baggage from her own lifetime, so I try to be gentle and remind myself that shaking the judgment from my own head means I won’t pass that on to my kids (my daughter, especially). It’s deep in there though.
Excellent call on cleaning off the horizontal surfaces. I am big piler and need to be better at filing things away rather than stacking them on an end table. My kids are still little so now is the time to create habits regarding putting things away before getting a new thing out, and tidying up every night before bed.
Anon in NYC says
“I wasn’t seeing the big clutter in the house.”
This is 100% me. I will literally work around clutter and still not put things away because I just don’t “see” it. It’s so hard to change!
Redux says
My earlier response got eaten, but THANKS for this post. It resonates with me as the daughter of a SAHM who kept (and keeps) a spotless house. My mom grew up very poor, and I know a clean house and clean kids was extremely important in her family. My sister and I are both working moms and often talk to each other about how damaging my mother’s comments are that equate an untidy house as a moral failing. I’m trying to shake the association for me and especially for my daughter since so much of it is rooted in sexism (in my mother’s experience), but it’s hard to do!
I am so on board with your suggestion of keeping the horizontal surfaces clear. I’m a big piler and am definitely guilty of stacking things on a side table that should be either recycled or filed (there is no in between!). My kids are still preschool-aged so now is a critical time for establishing habits– put Thing A away before taking out Thing B, everything in its place, and tidy-up before bed. Thanks for the encouragement!
AwayEmily says
We try to keep the house in a state where it could be company-ready in five or ten minutes. To accomplish this we do two “speed cleans” (yes we actually call them that), one in the morning and one in the evening. We set a timer and everyone runs around like crazy for five minutes cleaning as much as they can. Usually we divide and conquer so that my husband will do the kitchen and I do the living room, or vice versa. The 2.5 year old is getting in on the action now too (throwing toys in bins, etc).
Upstairs is always fairly clean, except for our room, which (similar to SC’s laundry room) suffers from a husband-piling-clothes-everywhere problem. I have decided to just not worry about that.
Also we have a cleaning service every 2 weeks so we don’t do any substantial “cleaning” between those visits…just some wiping down of the counter and cleaning the always-disgusting area around the baby’s high chair.
anon says
My house is definitely not spotless, but it is put away enough that I have no problems have people over spontaneously. I like having people over more than I care about them judging my clean or not clean home.
That said, I grew up in an embarrassingly messy house – no laundry room, so unfolded laundry in the family room most of the time, dirty dishes on the counter by the sink most of the time, mail all over the formal dining room table, etc. My mom was always super stressed about having company and I never invited friends over. So now I’m adamant about folding laundry pretty quickly, putting dishes in the dishwasher pretty quickly, and not keeping mail on a table and I sort through it at least once a week.
Spirograph says
Our house is usually acceptable – although I wouldn’t be proud to show it off – for surprise guests. We have a cleaner every 2 weeks, but we don’t wear shoes in the house, so we usually don’t need too much spot cleaning in between. Kitchen is very small, so we keep it tidy or it’s unworkable. The kids’ toys are supposed to stay off the main floor, and I can close the shower curtain to hide their scribbles and toys in the bathtub. I wipe the rest of the bathroom surfaces pretty regularly because kids are gross. There are often baskets folded laundry needing to be put away, and too much mail piled on the table near the front door, but that’s probably the worst of it. I definitely spend 10-30 minutes doing some extra tidying and sweeping/vacuuming if I’m expecting someone, though!
Anon says
Our house has a lot of clutter, because that’s just the people we are and the life we live. The house is generally clean – we have a housekeeper every 2 weeks and I spot clean as needed in the meantime. Baby toys are everywhere, but we have a 1 year old who has free run of the downstairs. I generally try to keep the dining room table clear (the kitchen table is a drop zone) so that there is someplace to eat with surprise guests. I generally take the view though that if you’re judging me on the state of my house that you don’t live in, we don’t need to be friends, so I just don’t worry about it. If I know people are coming over, I will make an effort to at least corral most of the baby toys, make sure there is an extra roll of TP in the bathrooms, probably load the dishwasher and sweep up the crumbs around the baby’s high chair, but that’s about it. Life’s too short to let a messy house prevent houseguests.
Betty says
Need a bit of a reality check: I work for a small company and our corporate parent is located a few hours away in a big city. Our legal team has a dotted line to both our company and our parent company (I.e. we report to both). In two weeks, parent company’s legal team is having their annual get together, which is a two hour lunch/ice cream thing behind corporate headquarters. Our small legal team was invited, but we all declined because it is easily a 2-3 hour drive each way (can be 4+ with any traffic), and it does not make sense to drive 4-6 hours for a 2 hour ice cream social. Boss of our small legal department is going because she has a house in the big city. She came back to us today, basically saying that we have to go. Am I/are we being unreasonable in saying that this seems a bit absurd?
Anonymous says
Is it Boston? Can’t you take the Amtrak? Or carpool? I don’t think you were unreasonable in initially declining but I think if the boss wants you to go, you should go.
Betty says
Unfortunately, there is no way to take public transit to the corporate headquarters. Perhaps we could carpool….
Anonymous says
If it’s just an annual thing, I don’t think it’s unreasonable. Can you schedule in person meetings for the day before/after and make it an overnight?
Betty says
Company will not pay for our expenses. This is a trip that is on us.
Anonymous says
But you don’t have “expenses” – gas for a 4 hour roundtrip drive is maybe $20? Significantly less if you carpool with others. It’s not like your company is asking you to buy a hotel or plane ticket on your own dime. You’re freaking out over nothing.
GCA says
I think it’s not unreasonable to go to corporate headquarters once a year, or perhaps twice. I go once a year and it’s in another country, but expenses are typically covered, and kept low by staying with colleagues or stuffing the few overseas employees into an AirBnB (we’re a very small team and we all really like each other). I think your best bet here is to carpool, unfortunately. I’m hoping you like your colleagues enough to spend 4-6 hours in a car with them!
mascot says
Annoying? Yes. Should you go? Yes. Having some face time is a good thing and I think it does all sorts of good for team-building. I work in a satellite office and am located about 4 hrs from my firm’s headquarters. It is expected that I spend time in that office a couple of times a year (my expenses are all reimbursed).
Anonymous says
Yes. Of course you go.
Anon says
I don’t think being expected to go to corporate headquarters 2 hours away once a year is unreasonable at all. Face time is important. Didn’t you say you have other issues with your boss? I think you’re probably projecting those issues onto this.
Anonymous says
My life goal is to have my house is a state where I can have guests over on 15 mins notice. That said, we have a front living room/library space that is toy free and generally tidy so if I do get a surprise guest, I’ll bring them a cup of coffee or tea in there and I can relax about the rest of the house being a disaster.
Anonymous says
for anon 9:50
Anonymous says
What gifts do you get for a second baby? I’m one and done so not sure how much little siblings can reuse the big siblings stuff. The babies are not the same sex, although I’m not sure how much that matters because the older one was a boy and my friend is not the type to balk at putting a girl in a sailboat or dinosaur outfit (I’m not sure she’d put a boy in a dress but she definitely believes “boy clothes” are pretty neutral, and she’s made clear that she doesn’t want frilly outfits for her daughter). My go-to gifts are board books and clothes, but I think she can probably reuse a lot of what she has.
Anon in NYC says
I still think a new outfit or a book would be appreciated, particularly a less common book that they’re unlikely to have. She might have plenty of clothes, but they might be stained, worn, etc.
Another idea might be those Zutano snap fleece booties. They kept my kid’s feet toasty warm even in the dead of winter!
Clementine says
When in doubt, Box of Snacks. Go to Amazon, look up ‘care packages’ and for $20-30 you can get something that is basically a box of granola bars and single serve popcorn and stuff.
Or you can get candy and chips if that’s more their style. Zero effort, you know it’ll be used.
I do like personalized gifts for younger kids though – an embroidered blanket with baby’s name, a personalized beach towel, and a Hazel Village toy with the kid’s name embroidered on it have all been big hits.
FVNC says
Bath toys? Is your friend into personalized gifts? If so, maybe a picture frame mat that has the baby’s name and “birth stats”?
EB0220 says
New burp cloths and bibs (those get pretty gross).
Personalized items (seems like younger kids get less of those).
Babywearing device like an ergo (bigger ticket but babywearing is super useful when you have more than 2 kids)
New swaddle blankets (maybe – you could ask. My older kid still has her A+A muslin swaddle blankets and my younger kid got her own pattern.)
EB0220 says
Sorry, I meant babywearing is useful when you have more than 1 kid!
ElisaR says
for second babies of a different gender I always get a bathing suit in appropriate size (like if the baby is born now I’d buy 12 months for next summer).
I feel like you always need those and you’re less likely to hand them down if different genders.
yeah and white onesies may look white when you wash them and put them away, but 2 years later they are all yellow. Fresh ones are nice!
DLC says
For my second, I did appreciate gifts of new outfits, particularly in the 9 month range. We got a lot of hand me downs (for which I’m grateful), and it brightened my day a little to be able to pull out something that wasn’t stained or stretched out or pilling. I particularly appreciated sleepers (check on preference- I liked zipper ones over snaps, and cotton over fleece), and I also got a really great fleece coat that you could Velcro closed, no buttons or zippers to have to deal with. Also- diapers and Amazon gift cards are always useful.
Anonymous says
My most appreciated gift for our second was bath towels and wash cloths (I liked personalized, but that’s just me). These are the items that (a) get the grubbiest and need to be replaced, and (b) get used for the longest period of time so you also need double.
GCA says
Some suggestions:
– What’s the age gap between the kids – will the first baby’s clothes be seasonally appropriate for the second? If not, maybe some appropriately sized seasonal items. My first is a May baby and my second was born in August, so I appreciated the 6- and 9-month cold-weather wear that people have given us for kid 2.
– A personalized towel (full size, because that’s what will last longest) would be nice, or something else personalized that the second kid can call her own.
– If you’re close to the family and the older kid knows you, perhaps something small for him too – I really appreciated when close friends would bring a book for my son, read to him, and make a bit of a fuss over him. This helped him with the feelings of displacement from no longer being an only child.
Anon says
I need tips for how to better include my in-laws in my toddler’s life. They live long distance, as do my parents, but are wonderful, come to visit and want to be involved. But they are older and less comfortable with caregiving for our daughter when compared to my parents, so this aspect plus my husband generally being the more passive one (vs proactive) means that my husband and in laws defer to me to take the lead on including them. This plays out in big things (planning to visit us) and smaller things (how to engage our daughter during the visit, Skype in between visits). I want them to be included but I am just overwhelmed with a full time job, an active toddler and juggling a newly-diagnosed chronic illness that is running my life right now. Any thoughts on how to be more proactive in including them? My parents just jump in and ask to be included, so they are; in laws need an invitation. If I sat down and brainstormed those invites with my husband, he would execute on it. But I just…can’t. I am tired.
Anonymous says
Invite them. Call them. There’s no mystery to it.
Anonymous says
Can you tell them basically what you said here? “Hey, I think you’re wonderful grandparents and I want you to be involved in our toddler’s life. But I have a chronic illness [or be more vague if you’re not comfortable discussing your health], so I can’t plan things right now. If you want to visit us or Skype can you just ask?” You might have to tell them a few times, but I think most people would then start reaching out and asking to Skype, etc.
Anonymous says
Tell your husband he has to step up and do this.
Anon in NYC says
I really do think you need to give your husband a task list (sorry) AND I think you need to be a little more direct with your inlaws and tell them that you can’t manage the family’s social calendar entirely by yourself anymore and that DH is going to take over the logistics of regular Skype calls and planning visits.
The first item on the task list is to tell your husband to be proactive in setting up a weekly standing call. Sundays at 5pm (or whenever works for your schedule). Tell him that he is responsible for executing those calls – he has to corral toddler, get on the phone with his parents, etc. Tell him that he needs to put this on his calendar, with a reminder set for an hour or so beforehand so that he actually remembers it. And tell him that you’re dealing with enough right now so he cannot expect you to always remind him of this standing call, and if toddler never speaks to his parents again, that’s on him.
Second, perhaps it would be good to have a “family planning” meeting where you look at the next 6-12 months, think about work, trips, etc., and jointly decide on good times for a visit. Then he is responsible for running those dates by his parents and executing on that.
Hugs!
Anon in NYC says
Oh, just jumping back in to add that the reason why I recommend that you be a little more direct with your inlaws is that my inlaws have struggled with hurt feelings / anger towards my BIL’s wife because she used to manage the family calendar and then stopped doing so after they had a kid, without any notice. And BIL never picked up the slack.
I think it’s 100% okay for her to not be managing my inlaws (I don’t plan any events with them myself), but it was a very abrupt change for my in laws who were used to going through her to see them. All of a sudden, she just stopped returning emails or phone calls. It caused a lot of tension (and still does, like 8 years later).
Anonymous says
My inlaws are a plane flight away. We do:
1. regular skype/facetime time each weekend. DH does it and I sleep in that morning or go to yoga. DH calls them on a separate day to actually discuss stuff so the facetime can be kid focused. They read her books and DH follows along with the same book at our house. Or they sing songs together
2. mail – kid loves checking the mail. I keep a book of stamps in my purse, grab an envelope at work and toss kid’s latest drawing in and mail it outside my office. They mail her stickers/coloring sheets or postcards.
Strategy Mom says
Get yourself and Alexa (with the camera/screen) and get them one – my toddler can now video chat the grandparents anytime without my involvement :) We share photos and it clues them in to what’s going on so they can ask relevant questions when they talk
Anonymous says
Any recommendations for a knockoff of the Stokke Tripp Trapp chair? I have one for my oldest (5) and would love one for my youngest (almost 2). Don’t care about color and don’t need it for infant purposes of any attachments. Just want a junior chair so we can phase out the high chair, but don’t have to go straight to a booster seat. I just can’t stomach paying another $200 for a real one.
octagon says
No specific recs, but they pop up on craigslist by me frequently, so maybe check there?
Anon in NYC says
Yeah, I purchased a used one off a local listserv for about half price. Others that I’ve seen as similar, but not necessarily knockoffs are the Keekaroo and the Svan Signet, although I don’t think they’re less expensive.
Anonymous says
We have a Safety 1st one I like. DH ordered it from Amazon Germany. Hauck also has one.
BabyBoom says
I just bought 2 stokkes after going down the rabbit hole of research. We were seriously considering the Keekaroo height right high chair before we went with the stokke. The cheapest we found the keekaroo was $150. Ultimately we decided, based on reviews to just pay the extra $50 and get the stokke. We have been extremely happy (as I am sure you know since you have one!) Other than the keekaroo, I couldn’t find any other knock off that seemed worth the money.
I am thrilled to hear that your 5 year old still uses it.
Anonymous says
OP – My 5 year old still loves it, which is why I am actually needing to get one for the little. I can’t get the bigger one to give it up and move to a regular chair! They are awesome – I can even sit on it when we have relatives over and a full table.
AwayEmily says
We registered for a stokke for my first and then ended up buying one for my second. I figure it’s something we use multiple times every single day so it’s worth the (kind of ridiculous) money. Also, they do last — I had one as a kid and it’s still in great shape (my daughter uses it when she visits my mom).
Anon in NYC says
Yeah, my BFF used one that her MIL had from the 70’s!