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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
I'd rather be reading a book says
So I’m 28 weeks pregnant with (quite high risk) twins, and am having an absolutely terrible time being efficient at work. I know I should be working efficiently to get things in a good place in case I go into labor early or need to go on bed rest, but, in reality I’m highly distractable and reading way too many news articles online. Thoughts of the babies and my shooting-pains aching back are compounded by the fact I’m really not enjoying my job much these days – I have a newish boss who I just don’t connect well with, and it seems like all the fun parts of my job are being taken away, and more and more bureaucratic form writing is being added in (which, is not my strength, and which I then of course get chastised for not doing correctly. My admin used to help with such things, but she moved 9 months ago and HR is completely dragging their feet rehiring). I look at my to-do list for the week, and literally none of the items on the list look fun. I should probably give context and say that I’m early 40’s, these are my first and very long awaited babies, in mid-level management, and up to now I have had a really good career, generally enjoyed it, and had excellent relationships with my bosses and coworkers. Any advice on how to force myself to get some work done until I go on leave? And, how am I going to be able to leave my sweet babies to come back to this? (Or do I?)
Anonymous says
Do the absolute bare minimum. Take every single second of leave. Then decide if you want to come back. If you can go out on leave pre-birth without it taking time away post birth, get your doctor to write a note and do it.
Pogo says
+1000000
Anon says
This high-risk twin mom says lean ALLLLLLLLLLL the way out. Do what you need to do to stay employed and just focus on keeping those babies in as long as you can. You aren’t going to fix your org’s problems or sink your career in these next 8-Ish weeks. The last few weeks before leave weren’t great with my low-risk singleton or high-risk twins – most people just muddle through to the end, so cut yourself a break. Maybe ask your MFM to put you on modified bedrest so you can at least work from your bed?
You can do it.
Anon says
The last part you don’t need to figure out yet. You will go on leave and probably should be lining up childcare (like getting on daycare waitlists or considering a nanny) but if you change your mind, you can try to extend your leave or stay home. Some people are well suited to being a stay at home parent and many people aren’t either due to personality or short or long-term financial situation, but you don’t need to decide that now.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Just do what you need to do to get through these next few weeks. Your company would be in serious trouble if they tried to fire you now, so just keep that in mind. You don’t have to love the work, just get things done. If you can do most/all of it from home, definitely do that. As for coming back, take all the leave you can, come back and reevaluate then. Taking care of newborn twins is going to be HARD. Line up someone to help you at home now, even when you’re on leave, if you can.
anon says
All the hugs. I know we’re not supposed to say it out loud, but I had a hard time focusing at work during both of my pregnancies. Of course you’re distracted and not at your best, particularly given the circumstances in your workplace and the fact that you’re in the midst of a high-risk pregnancy. Do the bare minimum that you can manage, take the leave you need, and try not to worry about what happens after you give birth. You can decide then whether to find a new job or quit altogether.
Anonymous says
This is completely normal. Hell I’m not pregnant and at this point in the pandemic, having a lot of trouble focusing on work. Just phone it in as best you can for now. Wait and see how you feel about going back to work – I didn’t love my job when my son was tiny but was frankly desperate to get back to work because taking care of a newborn wasn’t a lot of fun and full of anxiety for me. Keep your options open and cross that bridge when you come to it.
anon says
in your shoes, I’d go on leave as soon as I could. I live in a state with good leave laws (California), so state pregnancy disability leave before the birth doesn’t take away from state bonding leave after the birth. I’d ask when my OB wanted me out on on leave and follow her advice.
Anonymous says
+1 to all who have commented so far. In my healthy singleton pregnancy, I was pretty slow and distracted at work from 32 weeks onward. Just get through this time as well as you can, and then worry about your job once you near the end of your leave.
Anon Lawyer says
Same. The funny thing is there was one day where I had a burst of energy and finished the one thing I knew I wanted to get done before leave – then I went into labor that night, three weeks early. But yeah, otherwise, pregnancy brain was real for me.
OP says
Wow, thank you all so much. I felt this huge release of guilt and self blame reading your comments. And you’re right – I’m not going to ruin my career in the next 8 weeks or fix all the problems at my org, and I’m not going to get fired. Ha, after reading a few of your comments I got up, did some stretches to help my back, and now actually feel motivated to get a task done:-P I think reframing things as “what’s the least amount I can do today?” will actually be really helpful, rather than being annoyed with myself for being unproductive. I’m definitely taking all the leave I can, and lining up help for when the babies come, and daycare! And I think my doctor open to putting me on medical leave before the birth – I’ll ask about that next week. Thank you!
Anon says
as a fellow twin mom if you can afford a night nurse and then a nanny i highly recommend it. also – worry about going back to work when that time comes. i personally could not wait to go back to work. i was losing my mind being at home, but everyone’s experience is different. one day at a time. do whatever you can to keep those babies in for as long as possible
Anonymous says
This. Go off at 32 weeks not 36. You really want to make it to 38 weeks if you can (assuming medically allowed).
– get a night nurse or post partum doula
– get a nanny for back to work. So many less colds when they are small and you can leave when they are in pyjamas.
– BF if you enjoy it (I enjoyed bonding with one baby at a time), but don’t worry about pumping – sleep and supplement with formula.
Anonymous says
As the mother of one child I heartily agree with thee recommendations.
Twins says
Another fellow twin mom. I also strongly recommend a night nurse, if you can swing it. After an extremely tough pregnancy, I needed to recover – emotionally and physically – from a really hard pregnancy during a really hard time at work, and getting real, actual sleep helped. I had PPD/A with my other singletons, and I had NO post partum issues, which I credit to being able to actually rest and recover.
But also, give yourself a break during the pregnancy. A twin pregnancy is HARD. Full stop. I tried and tried and tried to push it, but was much happier and healthier when I just acknowledged that I was more tired and struggled more than I did with the singletons. Work isn’t going anywhere in the next 8 weeks. Slow and steady at this point.
Congrats!! Twins are the absolute best.
Uncle says
How do I get my kid to stay in bed overnight? Dying over here, folks.
3.5 years old. Bedtime is a battle – we have ALL the routines. She gets in bed like a champ, tucked in, good night… perfection to that point. 15-30 mins later she’s yelling for us, yelling she has to go potty, she needs this or that, you name it. If she opens the door and we see her (we try very hard to not go in ourselves unless we see she’s being unsafe on the video camera), she wipes away the tears and then is smiling. The process of getting her back in to bed at that stage is a hot mess. The kid knows exactlyyyyy what she is doing. We’ve tried the “i don’t care if you’re in your bed, but you cannot leave your room” shtick, but last time we did that she played in her tent until about 11:30pm and we intervened finally. She has a Hatch light that is losing it’s effect by the day (she was so good with it for so long… sob). That’s problem #1.
#2 is that 1-2 nights per week she find her way to our room and climbs in around 2am. We’re either both so deeply asleep we don’t notice, or only one of us notices and just gives in because we’re exhausted, it’s 2am and if we suggest going back to her bed at that time she full on tantrums.
The household is riddled with transitions and stress. New preschool, new nanny, I’m in IVF protocol and a basket case 40% of the time (thanks, hormones, miscarriages and general related chaos). I know the regression must be linked to all of that in some way but ohmigod. HALP.
anon says
I’m sure this is a terrible practice, but we always laid down with our preschoolers. One had anxiety and would work herself into a frenzy if left alone to fall asleep. If we stay and cuddle they are asleep in 5-10 minutes and sleep better the rest of the night. I just read news on my phone and ignore her while the kid passes out.
If you really don’t want her in your bed for the middle of the night, you could consider a sleeping bag next to your bed. She can come in to be near you, but needs to sleep in her sleeping bag so as not to disturb your sleep.
NYCer says
+1. I find it easiest to just lie down with our preschooler for a few minutes while she falls asleep.
No advice for middle of the night. For whatever reason, my kids never really went through that phase.
DLC says
Yeah, we would just lie down with our kids too. I got a lot of leisure reading done this way.
And we also had our kid bed down on the floor for the night wakings.
Boston Legal Eagle says
You’ve probably already done this, but drop her nap – this should make her more tired at night. Our then 3.5 year old used to stay up so late and come out constantly, but now with no nap, he’s down by 7. For coming to your bed – I’d also recommend the cot or sleeping bag next to your bed approach.
buffybot says
I just want to offer my empathy. Also have a 3.5 year old and while he is sometimes a good sleeper (at his grandparents, for instance, I swear he gets into bed and Does.Not.Move until 7 am), we often go through phases like you describe, down to the Hatch that has minimum efficacy.
The other night he popped out of bed so many times in a 10 minute period I sternly told him “GO BACK TO BED” and he had the Absolute Gall to say, “Mommy, whaaaaat’s the magic word?”
Anyway I don’t have a silver bullet, but these are the things that help us: No naps. God, no naps. As much physical activity as we can manage. We got a planetarium light that puts stars on the ceiling. My husband reads chapter books in a soothing monotone. I occasionally sing a song while stroking his hair. I echo the other commenter that staying with him helps — we often sit in his bed for 5-10 minutes while he falls asleep (head to feet so we can get out without disturbing him). We sometimes let him play with a Transformer or similar fiddly toy in bed while he waits to get sleepy. And then on the periodic occasion he comes into our bed, we sometimes let him and we don’t feel bad about it — he falls right back to sleep and our bed is big enough. We try not to make it a habit but I honestly don’t mind the snuggles occasionally. It is hard! But I think about how my husband also has insomnia and we both stay up later than we should with our screens, so this is a Human Problem more than a failure of parenting.
OP says
But….. did you say the magic word? Dying over here at that comment. How can something be so amazing and terrible at the same time!? My kiddo would 100%say something like that. Honestly, her traits are ones that I love and will serve her very well later in life – persistence, negotiation, and frankly some humor (what’s that about an apple and tree??)… but yikes.
She does still nap – sometimes. Never Sat/Sun but Mon-Fri with the nanny she “goes down for a nap” meaning she sleeps some days and others she chills in her room. I’d bet she naps 3 out of 5 days, but yesterday she didn’t sleep, and last night was terrible. I don’t think she was overtired at bedtime, but who knows. We’ll focus on the “naptime” for sure.
Anonymous says
Does she still nap? If yes, stop that ASAP. It sounds like she’s either not tired, or overtired.
Realist says
At this age our pedi said that staying in bed needed to be more rewarding than leaving it. Your attention is a reward, even if it is you shouting “go back to bed.” So they either get something for staying in bed or they lose something for getting out of it, or both. My pedi suggested little figures that they like to collect. They start with 3 or whatever and then lose one every time they come out. (We gave one free pass for a bathroom break.). Even several years later we style sort of use this strategy. If they are having trouble sleeping the dog will come lay down with them. If they keep getting out of bed to tell us they can’t sleep, then the dog stays with us. We also use sleep stories on the Calm app, but I’m not sure that would have worked at age 3.5, but it might for some kids.
Pogo says
major solidarity. We even engaged a sleep consultant, which helped, though mostly in the sense of a hard reset. We had a big family meeting about how important sleep is, how we’re starting a new plan for sleep, etc. We took out all the toys and distractions from his room and put up a gate which could be shut to keep him in there if he kept popping out. When he’s really stalling on bedtime I threaten to shut the gate again, and sometimes I do it. We’ve had some success with a sticker chart.
But agree that no nap means he is OUT in a few minutes; with a big nap he’s up til 9 sometimes. We can’t force preschool to keep him awake, though.
Anon says
um, I posted yesterday about my 3 year old twins. i love my kids, but wow this age is tough. for the first 3 months after turning 3 they were delightful, but about a month ago a switch turned and while I still love them, honestly, parenting them right now is mostly not fun bc the threenager moments are outweighing the sweet moments by A LOT. mine are still in cribs, but i know we need to switch them to beds soon and i am petrified. one of mine when she gets hysterical ends up vomiting. my kids were such good sleepers as babies. my dad was visiting last week and had many comments on how I was so great when my kids were babies at just putting them to sleep and now apparently i’m not…
Boston Legal Eagle says
Ugh, your last comment – that is so annoying that your dad said that. It is NOT your fault – kids are who they are and their sleep (or lack of) is no reflection on you.
Anon says
appreciate that. he claims he is leaving the parenting to the parents, but has lots of “ideas”
Anonymous says
You don’t ‘need’ to switch them if you don’t want to. Mine all got big kid beds as their 4th birthday present. Have to earn them by staying in crib when side is off (converts to toddler bed), for a month before their birthday. twin Bed for birthday and keep crib in house so they know you are serious about it going.back if they don’t stay in bed.
Anon. says
Regarding #2, I would challenge you to think about co-sleeping if you’re open to that.
FWIW, my almost 6 yr old still comes to our bed a few nights per week, and we have given up carrying him back/scolding etc, as it disrupts our sleep more than his. We added another blanket and pillow so that he doesn’t steal ours (we each have individual blankets, European style). After much frustration, I now try to enjoy the cuddly kid – it won’t last forever.
And anecdotally, I was the same until well into elementary age, and then some day decided I was to big to sleep in my parents’ bed.
Anon says
I think the biggest thing with kids is consistency- whatever you choose to do commit to it 1000% and stick with it. The reason gambling is so addictive is the intermittent reward- you never know when you’re going to win so you keep trying.
So, if this is the time period of your life where you cuddle your daughter to sleep and let her come in at 2 am, that’s totally fine!! If it’s not, then every single time she steps foot out of her room you need to calmly and quietly (ideally even silently) bring her back to bed. Every. Single. Time. It suuucks but will get better. (But also, the first option is totally an option!)
octagon says
We totally walked this road. It’s miserable, I’m so sorry. What finally worked for us was a combination of things: sight, sound, smell.
Sight: Cloud b ladybug star light nightlight that projects stars on the ceiling. For several nights, I spent 15-20 minutes after lights-out imagining constellations with kiddo, talking about stars in the sky, etc. Helping him learn how to imagine on his own. The light goes out after 45 minutes (we have another nightlight in the room.)
Sound: classical music playing through a bluetooth speaker.
Smell: Lavender pillow spray before bed.
We did all of these things to help “cue” bedtime. After a couple of tough weeks, kiddo seemed to understand that these things helped transition to sleep. Even if he would wake up in the middle of the night, he could ask us to do any or all of the three things to help him get back to sleep. It was a glorious morning one day when he announced that he’d woken up, turned the stars back on himself, looked at them on the ceiling and went back to sleep.
Good luck!
Anon says
No advice, but my 4YO is still in our bed almost every night. Some nights she starts in her bed, some nights she sleeps in a sleeping bag on our floor, some nights she is so overwrought at bedtime she just starts in our bed. As someone else said, it is far less disruptive for us to let her sleep with us than for us to get up and put her back in bed, and I imagine that she will not still be sleeping with us in college. So I just try to enjoy the snuggles and know that this will not last forever and one day I might sleep through the night again.
Anon. says
I commented about my 6 yr old above, and yes – some day we’ll catch up on sleep, no?
Alternatively, I am secretly dreaming of the day when my kid is a teenager and I will run into their room at 6am in the morning screaming “Wake up, wake up, wake up!” as loud as I can and jumping on their belly. I’m only half kidding, LOL.
busybee says
I swear I am a reasonably intelligent person, but FMLA befuddles me. My understanding is that it allows for 12 weeks of leave. I am due in late October and my doctor wrote on the medical authorization that I would be incapacitated for 6 weeks. Does that mean my employer will only approve me for 6 and not 12 weeks of FMLA? Should I ask the doctor to write 12 weeks instead?
Anonymous says
No. FMLA can be used just because you have a new baby. You do not need to be medically incapacitated. It’s available to dads and for adoptions!!
The 6 weeks May tie into your eligibility for disability pay, that really depends on your state, company, and how your leave is paid or not paid.
Anonymous says
Agree that the doctor note is for short term disability, not FMLA. FMLA is totally separate, and you can just take the 12 weeks. My experience with STD, though, was that I couldn’t claim until the baby was actually born. You typically get 6 weeks for a routine v* birth, but more if you have complications or a c-section.
busybee says
Got it, thank you!
Pogo says
Correct. Though your state, employer and insurance will all impact how this works in practice.
You can certainly go out on leave earlier if your doctor determines you are disabled, however most employers will run your FMLA concurrent to your STD, meaning you’d lose time w/ the baby after so that’s why most people “work up til the end” in states with no paid leave or for employers with no paid leave.
Here is and example how it worked for me, in MA where we have paid FML and for an employer with 4weeks paid leave + STD: 1 week STD pre-birth, FMLA and STD kicked in on birth; paid by STD for 6 weeks; then 6 weeks paid under MA paid PML; then 4 weeks paid under parental leave. However, your employer can (as far as I know) dictate you how stack the different leaves. You could also use vacation – which would never run concurrent with any medical leave – to extend your ability to take leave throughout the rest of baby’s first year.
I’ve never heard of an employer letting you stack FMLA + STD, but I suppose it is possible.
EP-er says
I was able to take my paid STD (5 weeks bed rest + 6 weeks post delivery) then 12 weeks unpaid FMLA, then more time unpaid “Dependent Care Leave.” I could have used my vacation to get paid, but preferred to work part time while being paid full time when I returned. It definitely eased the transition! My large fortune 50 company has since added paid parental leave since I had kids. I sometimes find working frustrating, but we still get (some) decent benefits.
anon says
If you’re in California, PDL and CFRA don’t run concurrently, so you can take your 4 weeks before and 6 weeks after (or more, if needed) disability and then start your 12 weeks of CFRA bonding leave. It may have gotten more generous since I last checked—this could be out of date.
Anon says
DH and I are traveling out of town soon without the kids (wish it were a longer more fun trip but it’s for a family event) for a few days. We’ve never been a flight away from the kids before. The logistics are hard – kids’ are splitting time between 3 sitters because that’s all we could do. All have watched them before. Obviously will be leaving contact info, cash for food, etc but any tips on things I should think of that I’m not? Kids are 4.5 and 2.
Anonymous says
They need to know who the doctor is, where it is, how to call, how to call after hours etc.
anon says
Google for examples, but you should leave a note authorizing the caregivers to access medical care for the child in case of an injury or illness.
Anon says
100% this. I was staying home with my siblings at 16 and did not have this (and in the pre-cell-phone days) and it was a disaster trying to get my sister treated for a broken wrist in the middle of their trip. Eventually we got one faxed, but it was a good 24 hours later and prior to that it was a patchwork of visits to family friends who were doctors and willing to at least evaluate, do xrays, etc. without it.
Pogo says
Does this need to be notarized?
Anon. says
Doesn’t hurt notarizing, and including copies of IDs of parents and caregiver.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I’ve done this – it doesn’t need to be notarized but definitely should be signed. Chances are your pediatrician practice may have the requisite form, or you can add the babysitter(s) to your existing information.
anon says
Decide in advance how often you’re going to check in, both with your kids and with the people watching them. Your kids might like having a touchpoint with you, or they might find it really upsetting and unsettling. Here’s giving you permission to NOT do facetime or video chats with the kids if you’re only going to be away for a couple of days.
Spirograph says
We have a list of info taped inside one of our kitchen cupboards. In addition to contact info for us, grandparents, family friends/neighbors, doctor, dentist, etc it has our address, the kids’ birthdates (with year), a note about allergies, etc. Basically anything a medical office or emergency responder might ask, but someone might not know or blank on in a stressful situation.
Realist says
+1, but make it in bold letters and put it on the fridge and email it to the sitters. In big bold letters at the top put “Emergency: Call 911”. People panic and forget. Agree with all this basic info plus health insurance information.
Anonymous says
We just left our kiddo overnight with grandparents, but also had to split between both sets of grandparents.
I perhaps went overboard, but we have a 2 year old, so not as communicative as your 4.5 year old. I did a daily schedule for each day. In this, I also included “insider tips” for things that perhaps are not obvious to grandparents who are only used to date night/daytime care. E.G., “turn wearable blanket inside out when putting on kiddo, as he will unzip it and then play with his feet instead of napping” and “if you put him down for a nap and he doesn’t seem to be sleeping, there is a chance he has made a dirty diaper that needs changing.” I also emailed YouTube links to a very straightforward car seat installation video and video how to open our baby proofing on the kitchen cabinets (which always seems to trip up my mom… it’s just the safety 1st magnet locks). I also did a “faqs about the house”. Where are the backup, backup diapers, where is more toilet paper/paper towels, where is the wine corkscrew; batteries… stuff like that. I think they looked at the car seat video and none of the rest.
Anon4this says
I’m looking for a gut check please. I’m planning to go to a wedding in Denver in a week, flying there from an east coast city. It is a dear friend and I’m very excited to go and see her and other dear friends that live states away that I haven’t seen since before March 2020. The wedding is partly indoors, partly outdoors. There will be about 100 guests in attendance, most will be flying in, and everyone has to upload proof of vaccination (picture of your vax card) to be allowed to attend. I’m about 20 weeks pregnant. OB has no concerns about me attending. No kids allowed including fully vaxed kids. I’m planning to go alone. Husband (also fully vaccinated) and unvaccinated kid are staying home. Obviously there is some risk associated with me going because I could get a breakthrough infection and bring it home, but its not completely nuts for me to go or is it? (As a family we’ve been very cautious since the beginning of the pandemic and we are privileged to both work from home and have a fully vaccinated nanny. I wouldn’t be going to this wedding unless it was this person. )
Anon says
I’ve been extremely conservative and I would go. I would certainly wear a high quality mask in the airport and on the plane, but I think at this point, it’s going to be only marginally more dangerous to do all this than the drive to the airport alone.
Anonymous says
I would go
AwayEmily says
We are quite COVID-cautious and I would go (and I’m also 20 weeks pregnant!). This seems as safe as it could be given that it’s a big event, and it’s obviously a really meaningful occasion for you. There are risks, yes, but it seems worth it, and your friends are amazing for being so thoughtful about minimizing those risks.
There are also things you could do around the edges to minimize risk, e.g. wear a mask during the indoor parts, wear a mask at home after you get back until you get the results of a PCR test, etc. But on the whole: this seems like something worth doing.
Anon says
Similarly Covid cautious. In your shoes, I wouldn’t go – solely because I’d be worried about it and that would take away from my joy.
If I did decide to go, I would wear my mask unless eating/drinking.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I would go. Wear a mask when traveling, and try to wear it as much as you can for the reception, especially the indoor part. Plan to get tested right when you get back and maybe a few days after as well.
Anonymous says
I would go. Worst case scenario, you bring home a breakthrough infection, is there some reason to believe your unvaccinated child or husband would get seriously ill? I think many of us have gotten used to overestimating some of these risks. You could wear a mask when inside if you want to be extra careful.
Anonymous says
You have to balance the risks and benefits. The only part of that equation you can crowdsource is identifying potential risks and benefits. No one else can tell you how you will weigh them. To me, no wedding would be worth the risk of a breakthrough infection, pregnant or not. For you, the benefit of attending this particular wedding seems to outweigh the risk.
Anon says
agree with this.
anon says
I’d go, but completely avoid any indoor maskless activities. Sitting indoors for the ceremony with masks is okay, but I’d pass on any indoor meals or happy hours where masks would be off.
I strongly believe that quantity of covid exposure affects the likelihood of a breakthrough infection and, if it does happen, the severity of the infection. Indoors + no mask = high risk of a high dose of exposure.
Anonymous says
I would go to this unless one of your unvaxxed kids happens to be high risk. Absent that, I would go. Full stop. Enjoy!!
Anon4this says
Thanks for all the thoughts. I know that I’m the only one that can weigh the risks, and I have, but I also feel a bit like I’ve become trapped in my bubble of not doing anything because we have been so cautious that my weighing of the risks might not be entirely logical / reasonable. Its helpful to know that some folks would go and some folks wouldn’t (and why not).
Anon says
earlier this week i was catching up with a friend and she told me she is pregnant. she lives in the U.S. she also told me that she just returned from a trip to italy and is planning another trip to portugal and was potentially going to also fly to south africa. her doctor told her that since she is vaccinated, she should be fine if she wears a mask as much as possible. i personally thought she sounded nuts, and was also surprised that was the advice from her doctor. i’m not pregnant though have two unvaccinated kids and would not go on a trip to any of those places.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
GO!
I consider myself COVID-Cautious but not to the extend of folks on this board. I’m now in the “Control what we can, but can’t go back to 2020” camp. FWIW – DH and I went to his childhood friend’s wedding. It was a can’t-miss for him. The childhood friend is a MICU nurse who had been working through the pandemic. They mandated vaxxes for all attendees. We masked through our travels, for most of the wedding, etc. Masked around the house when we came back until we got our negative PCR results. I highly encourage the latter – the masking/PCR when returning gives peace of mind.
Anonymous says
I’d go and mask at anything indoors
Anonymous says
What app or something do you guys use to coordinate logistics schedules with your partner? We both have varying work schedules where we have to be physically at work and we need to coordinate who does the drop off and pick up for both kids. Why we usually do this on Sunday, we don’t have a shared calendar or whatever that we confirm the schedule on.
We both have Android phones and Gmail, And often share calendar invites for other, bigger events but I’m wondering if there’s a better way.
Anonymous says
I’m team paper calendar in our mudroom. We also default who does what – DH drops off, and I pick up. If there is an exception, then we each put it on our work calendar.
Anonymous says
Same–paper calendar all the way. Shared/multiple electronic calendars are a nightmare to keep track of.
Anonymous says
+1. I spent most of my career coordinating electronic calendars. I have zero interest in doing this with DH, even over a beer haha. A paper calendar works well for us, and I enjoy picking them out each year. Ours is in the kitchen.
Spirograph says
Same with the default drop-off and pick-up and work calendar for deviations. If this changed day-to-day for us, I’d color code it on my weekly fridge calendar.
We share our personal google calendars, where we put things that are farther out or come in over evite, but also use a regular wall calendar in the kitchen and most importantly a magnetic whiteboard weekly calendar on the fridge. It has standing weekly activities (eg: Kid #1: sport practice at 6 on Tuesday), meal plan including who’s cooking that day, and then in red, anything that’s a one-off. Each Sunday, I cross-reference the wall calendar and and google calendars and transfer anything relevant to the fridge so it’s right in front of our faces.
anon says
We are Google calendar users. We also share it with our au pair so she has the same info about where and who is responsible when.
Pogo says
We invite each others’ work calendars if we have anything outside of childcare hours (7:30a-6pm).
anon says
Magnet 7-day calendar on our front door (high traffic area of the house). Colored marker for everyone. It’s unsightly but whatever. It keeps us organized.
anon says
We also invite one another to our respective work calendars, marking all personal things as “free time” but even that gets a little busy on the calendar. So for things like dog walker, house cleaner, etc, which are generally recurring dates and times but sometimes change, those definitely benefit from the magnet calendar over the outlook calendars.
Anonymous says
We do invites to work calendar when we have specific conflicts with pick up / drop off. For example I get an early meeting request, as soon as I accept it I send an invite to DH saying: DH doing drop off today. DH does the same. This helps of keep track of where we are going off schedule where generally I do drop off because I go downtown and Dh does pick ups because he is still WFH. we often do a quick text in the afternoon to discuss pick up.
Because the invite is in your work calendar it surfaces conflicts quickly. Fortunately our logistical conflicts are pretty rare and we have generally solved by me doing WFH so we can trade off or whatever at the last possible second.
EDAnon says
I write up the plan for the next week every Friday morning based on my calendar. I give it to him and he fills in his schedule. From there, we put our days on our work calendars.
If we have conflicting early meetings or whatever, we negotiate based on priority. Neither of us have jobs with strict start/end times. Both of us work from home most of the time. When we were in the office all the time, we split it where one did drop off and one did pickup and we only scheduled the exceptions.
Canadian outwear question from yesterday says
Canadian friend –
Rain suit + fleece would be fine in the snow if you only get a week of snow a year (e.g. would be fine where I grew up in Vancouver). I would be skeptical if you are somewhere really cold like the prairies / Quebec etc. It is also more pieces for the kiddo to get on himself at daycare vs. snowsuit.
YES MEC toaster suits hold up well for hand me downs. They fit large – LO who is tallish wore the 18 MO size for his second winter and until actually almost 2.5. It looks great. We switched to a size 3 pants + coat toaster at ~2.5 YO (when we toilet trained) and it lasted him until end of snow season at 3.5*. The jacket looks great. The pants look a little worn at the knees, but this kid played hard through the entire pandemic and including twice daily wear outdoors at all day preschool last winter, some bike crashes and “lockdown Christmas” where we literally spent hours everyday at the park skating and sledding in sub zero temperatures because there was literally no where else to go! Money very well spent for our family when you consider cost per wear (vs. say the cute gap sweater I can wrangle him into one time). They also go on sale at the end of the season (about 30% off). For toddler sizes I liked the Sorel boots we had last winter. My sister always liked Kamik for her kids. Just getting into bigger sizes now so I guess I should get on that ASAP.
*where we live that basically means daily wear from November 1 – April.
Anonymous says
PSA: A small NYU study indicates that if you get vaccinated while pregnant, you can pass some immunity to your newborn.
TheElms says
I’m hoping that the booster will be authorized for pregnant people for this reason. I’d love my newborn to have some protection via me getting a booster (especially because I’ll have a toddler in preschool who may or may not be vaccinated by Feb/March. I feel like there isn’t much information on a timeline for the 2-5 year old set).
AnonATL says
Same! We are trying for #2 and would love to be able to get a booster while pregnant.
Anon says
Good to hear! I also know a couple people who had the shot while breastfeeding and blood tests showed their babies have antibodies. I think the actual research is more inconclusive/sparse on that situation, but it’s promising anecdata for a nursing mom like myself
Anonymous says
Burnout help needed. I am WFH for the foreseeable future and so is my husband. Work is insane. Because Zoom has replaced travel, I now have the “capacity” to handle three times as many projects. Where I used to have one major meeting at a client site a month, with prep time beforehand and no other work during the actual trip, I now have multiple such meetings per week, often on the same day as four or five smaller meetings. I have three times as many clients all demanding my exclusive attention and immediate turnarounds. We lost most of our support staff, so I am having to perform administrative functions myself. Our accounting department is incompetent. My boss is telling me to prioritize, then demanding that I drop everything for matters that are neither important nor time-critical. School is back in person, but the kid is struggling for a variety of reasons and every evening and weekend is basically nonstop he11. My husband is blaming the kid issues on my faulty parenting. When I suggest that maybe I should quit my job to focus on parenting he tells me to suck it up and deal. The pandemic has taken away all of my coping mechanisms–yoga, kickboxing, HIIT classes, practicing music in an empty house. I finally blew up yesterday and said something that was absolutely true but I shouldn’t have said out loud. I am at the breaking point.
Anonymous says
Okay a few steps: one. Stop killing your self at work. Tell your boss no and don’t do it. Just don’t.
Two: this is horrific “ My husband is blaming the kid issues on my faulty parenting.” Just book marriage counseling.
Spirograph says
+a million to both of these.
For the telling boss no, thing, I would share your calendar and say something like “I have major client meeting coming up on Tuesday and am reserving that entire day for last-minute prep, documentation, and follow-up. I am blocking this time for focused prep on Monday, and will be setting ‘do not disturb.’ I will process emails once per hour, and prioritize urgent client requests. I will get to all other work on Wednesday, and here is my prioritized list.” If your boss tries to give you “urgent” fly-in work, be very clear that if you drop everything to get this done, XYZ is what will suffer. Don’t try to squeeze it in.
I’m trying to give your husband the benefit of the doubt that he is also stretched thin and lashing out, but what he’s saying to you is really not OK.
IHeartBacon says
This.
Anon says
Awww, sending you so much love and sympathy.
Please take a sick day, use it to get out of the house and get a breather and then strategize about work and home. I know when I’m burned out I tend to ruminate/worry without really putting a plan in place so that’s your first priority.
If you’re at the point where you’re seriously considering quitting then I’d encourage you to place as many boundaries and limitations at work as you possibly can. You work your normal working hours and not any more. Document your prioritizing to your boss via email and just repeat ad nauseam. “If I drop everything to do this task, then I will be unable to complete X and Y. Would you like me to do this task?” When he inevitably tells you to get it all done, “Given the lack of support staff and demands on my time, I’m unable to get all of these tasks done within the allotted time. What would you like me to make sure is completed?”
Focus on having positive interactions with your kid. Aim for 10 minutes a day where you do something they enjoy without any parenting. It can be anything- if they like video games, sit and watch them play video games. The important parts are that they get to choose, it happens every day regardless of how the rest of the day is going and it’s enjoyable time for both of you. Heck, give this to yourself via alone time and once you get in the groove with your kid and yourself give it to your husband.
Baby steps. You’re a great mom who’s in a horrible situation. You have a great kid who’s in a horrible situation.
Anonymous says
1. Decide what you can do at work and do it. Ignore everything else. What will they do? Fire you? Sounds like you’re essential.
2. You can do yoga and HIIT in your living room. Log off work at a reasonable hour and do it.
3. Practice an instrument over lunch if you want.
4. Outsource anything you can (I’m not LVK but desperate times)
5. I’m sorry you kiddo is struggling. Prioritize one on one time and rest.
I realized last year: no one can save me from burnout but me. No one is coming with a row boat and a helicopter. If I need a break I have to say “I need a break. Here’s what I propose.” I know this is exhausting and I feel for you, but you have to advocate for yourself if you want things to change.
anon says
Your last paragraph is 100% true, I’ve learned from painful experiences. People will keep piling on even when you’re breaking. It’s not fair but that seems to be how it shakes out at both work and home until you just refuse to play.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 million to this. You have to find ways to get into a headspace where you can be the best advocate for yourself. DH is NOT an instagr*m husband who is always booking hotel nights for me to get away, but if I say “I need to do ______.” it can happen.
Also, I started taking a day off a month in June to help with burnout. Some of the days I ended up having to deal with some home-management ish, but it was still “relaxing” to do that without juggling work.
octagon says
This internet stranger gives you permission to drop some balls at work. Let your boss know, but set your boundaries and enforce them. Log off at the end of each day. Make tradeoffs clear to your boss but don’t try to juggle everything. Think about it: you are not able to do everything they want you to do. To do everything, they need to hire more staff. The longer you try to do it all, the less obvious it is as to how much additional help is needed.
Depending on your relationship with your boss and company culture, you could even signal that you are feeling indications of burnout and need to take some days to refresh.
And OMG your husband, your kid issues are NOT a result of your faulty parenting. I’m sorry.
Anon. says
Yes – Drop the balls at work. They are very unlikely to fire you. At this point, they need you more than you need them. The talent market is tight and you would be difficult to replace.
Anon says
That’s a lot of stress! I would take some time off, even if it feels hard to do – just think of it as an F you to your boss if it helps you actually pull the trigger – and spend hours doing things that help you recharge and get perspective: depending on what you like, time in nature, talking to friends about your worries, journaling, yoga.
Sorry you feel blame from your husband. I would want to rip his head off. Stay strong and remember all you do for your family.
AwayEmily says
Totally ignore this if it’s unworkable for you right now, but when I’m in that burnout mode then I prioritize sleep over everything. Work problems, kid problems — they are all more manageable if I am getting sleep. What this ends up meaning is that I sacrifice other things. For me it’s usually laundry (there are piles everywhere), cooking (lotta hot dogs for those kiddos), and exercise. But for you maybe it’s something different. Anyway I know this doesn’t get at the root of the issue and it’s jut a band-aid but sleep is kind of magic.
Pogo says
I agree with everything others have said but this SO resonated with me: “Where I used to have one major meeting at a client site a month, with prep time beforehand and no other work during the actual trip, I now have multiple such meetings per week, often on the same day as four or five smaller meetings”. Back when I travelled, I had huge chunks of time to read and work on the plane, and no one was bothering me for stuff while I travelled. Now I’m just on zoom calls 9 hours a day.
Block your calendar for lunch and for times to actually get work done. It doesn’t always work, but it really helps.
Spirograph says
I thought I’d commented earlier but it seems to be missing? First, I’m really sorry, this is tough. And your husband’s response is not OK. I’m sure he’s stressed too, but that’s a hurtful way for him to handle it. Have you told him that in so many words?
Anyway, if these smaller meetings aren’t client-facing, I would drop them. Tell your boss you are skipping abc meetings, blocking time for prep work and will be setting yourself to “do not disturb” so you can focus. You will process IMs and emails once per hour (or whatever interval works for you), and will prioritize client requests. If boss asks you to drop everything and work on [whatever], be very clear with what is going to slip. Do not work 5 extra hours to get everything done by the same due date, say “I can do X for you by tomorrow, but that means Y is getting pushed to next week.” Stick to your guns on this. My peer did this and coached me on it, and my boss from having unrealistic expectations of last-minute work to being fairly reasonable, and it’s amazing.
I’m with you on lack of support staff, I’m in a similar position right now and it suuuucks.
Dry feet at school? says
Prompted by the rainy weather here-
For those with kids in elementary school and beyond- do you send your kids to school with and extra pair of shoes and socks on days when they wear their rain (or snow boots)? My fourth grader wore her running shoes to the bus stop today and they were soaked by the time she got on the bus, which I imagine is going to be uncomfortable. (Maybe? She seems to have a high tolerance for these things). So now I’m wondering if i ought to send her with extra shoes or if she should keep an extra pair at school? I feel like the last winter she was in school – 2019!- she said they just wore their boots all day. When I was that age we had cubbies for extra shoes, but our school isn’t letting kids have lockers this year. Just wondering what other folks do.
Anonymous says
This is why I used to send my kid to school in waterproof hiking shoes.
OP says
This is a great idea!
Any recommendations?
Anonymous says
Keen, North Face, Merrell.
Anonymous says
My oldest wears rain boots + packs sneakers. My K kiddo wears boots and I pack shoes but 80% of the time she’s in her boots all day.
anon says
My experience is that schools don’t allow much time or space for changing footwear. If I felt like my kid was going to get soaked, I’d send her in rainboots and not pack anything else because it won’t get used anyway.
Io says
I send sneakers in. The kids aren’t allowed to participate in dance or gym without proper shoes. And we walk or bike to school, so weather proof footwear is important!
Boppy Lounger recall says
https://www.boppy.com/pages/loungerrecall
Mm says
Dang. This was one of the few baby items I held onto when purging, I loved it so much. Thanks though!
Anon says
i personally never used this product, but i know people LOVE them. i also think that sometimes these incidents happen when people keep using a product past it’s intended timeframe – like once your kid can roll or move, they don’t belong on a device unstrapped at all. they also should always be supervised.
Anonymous says
Yes. We only ever used this for supervised newborn naps or for the baby to hang out and watch me while I folded clothes. Like literally the baby sleeps while I sit there reading/watching tv.
Pogo says
That’s exactly what I used it for and nothing else. It very clearly states on the tag that they shouldn’t sleep in it. I never even left baby out of my sight in it. I’m actually kind of surprised it lasted this long not being recalled, though.
Anon Lawyer says
That’s what I did too but I remember reading somewhere that you’re actually supposed to take the baby out of it as soon as they fall asleep because they could suffocate even if you’re sitting right there watching. I doubt that is likely – it sounds like these deaths happened with babies who rolled onto their side or front – but I think that is probably technically proper usage even if I could never bear too wake my newborn up while I was trying to pump or whatever.
anon says
This sounds like caregiver error rather than product error. It’s made very clear that babies should not be sleeping in these, they are not a substitute for actual human supervision, and they should not be used if baby can roll. We are keeping ours.
Anonymous says
I have a 4 y/o in pre-k and 7 month old twins. DH wants to hire a PT nanny (only for the twins, to be clear). Do these exist? I think what we’re actually looking for is a mother’s helper? We need someone to watch the twins about four hours a day. If s/he could do some light housekeeping that would be a plus. Do I just look on care dot com and sitter city? Sorry, I know this is discussed a lot but in my area everyone does full time nanny/day care or stays home. I could ask some of the other pre-k moms I guess.
Anon says
there is such a thing as a part-time nanny/babysitter. they can be hard to find and sometimes you have to pay a higher hourly rate. to me a mother’s helper implies that a parent is always there to help with the kids. so like i might feel comfortable hiring a 12/13 year old to be a mother’s helper, but i definitely would not leave them with my kids while i was out and about
Anonymous says
For 7 month old twins it is not reasonable to expect light housekeeping as well as childcare unless it’s like “arrive at 3, kids get home from daycare at 4.”
Anonymous says
So I think depending on how flexible you are with the hours, this could be great for a college student. Yes, look on care and sittercity, but if there is a local FB group, that’s where I’ve had the best luck. In terms of what you’re looking for, I think it would be a lot to care for twins and do light housekeeping. If your twins are ok nappers, you can ask the person to do some tidying/kid-related chores while they’re asleep. Just be clear if you want non kid stuff — like unloading the dishwasher, folding towels, etc. — to make sure you’re on the same page with the person you are hiring.
Anonymous says
This. It’s a very popular job for college students in nursing/psych/teaching jobs. Can be a little tricky to work around their work term schedules but usually lots of notice so we could accommodate. A number of lawyers I know have this for their afterschool care – like 3-6 each day and sitter starts dinner.
Pogo says
I have this. My PT nanny started w/ us when she was on break after finishing her master’s program and worked at a kids’ camp during the day. She now works at a school and is done at 3pm, so works 4:30-6ish for us. During her master’s program she worked for another family 4-6 hrs/day.
AwayEmily says
Not quite the same thing but we hired a 2-hours-per-day after-school sitter for our kindergartener. Honestly, it was not easy to find someone. I posted on a local parents group, on Care.com, sent the word out to people I knew, and finally ended up finding someone via NextDoor (a photography grad student who’s also a former nanny). We ended up paying $25/hour, which is a lot but worth it because we really like/trust this person. It’s a tough enough market that all the promising leads I found ended up being the result of me actively reaching out to people, rather than people responding to my ads.
Realist says
If you are flexible on hours I would look to pair up with a family that needs PT for after school and then you take some morning/early afternoon hours. That allows the nanny FT hours/pay between 2 families. Agree that you can’t expect light housekeeping, you only expect the nanny to basically leave the place as good as she found it, and even that might not be possible every day if her hours don’t overlap with the naptimes.
FVNC says
Does anyone have any products they actually like from Sensy?
I know, I know…mlms are awful etc., but I’d like to support a woman I know with a purchase. I’m thinking I’ll get some laundry detergent or multipurpose cleaner…that is the least expensive and also consumable. Any favorite scents? Anything that’s not too overwhelming (we use “free and clear” no scent detergent typically). I hate “stuff” so buying a “warmer” (??) for $$ seems ridiculous since it’ll end up in the trash.
Anonymous says
No this is not a mother’s helper. Mother’s helper is the 14yr old in the neighborhood who does dishes/folds baby clothes or conversely plays with your kids while you cook dinner. You need a qualified pt nanny or babysitter. It’s unreasonable to expect housekeeping while caring for 2 babies.
Travel Woes says
Any tips from Moms who travel? Does it get easier with time?
I’m an engineer with a fairly hands-on job. It requires traveling to customer sites occasionally to test, support installations, etc. I’ve been in this role for about 10 years.
I returned from maternity leave after having my daughter in early 2020. Covid put a pause on travel then. As some projects of mine are picking up there are more travel demands coming my way. I made my first week long trip last week and have several more trips in the works.
It was extremely hard to be away from my daughter that long. My husband was strained as I am normally both pick-up and drop-off due to his work schedule & commute time. He was great about helping me video chat with her almost everyday but I still missed her so much.
I’m wondering if there are other resources that could help me feel more connected with other Moms who travel for work (ex. books or podcasts)? This website really helps me feel connected as I don’t know that many working moms in real life. Most of my coworkers (all guys) look forward to travel to get away from family.
Is this a sign I need to look at making a move to a role that doesn’t require travel? My current job is suppose to require less than 20% travel.
It gets better says
It was your first trip since you had your daughter. Of course it was hard! It will get a lot easier.
Pre-COVID, I traveled almost every 4-6 weeks for a week at a time, leaving my 2 year old and 7 year old with their father. I loved it actually – I work remotely and this travel was an important part of my job to check in with my team, join important meetings, etc. Here’s what we did to make it easier on everyone:
1. Yes, you miss the kid(s) and they will miss you! But it’s also a valuable experience to teach resilience and self-sufficiency for all. I will tell you my DH became so much more involved in day to day scheduling, camps, classess, etc. when I was traveling. We FaceTimed every day for a few minutes and over time, we actually went to every other day which allowed me some breathing room for team dinners or events, and my DH flexibility in his schedule. For me, travel is/was an important part of my job and I didn’t want to give it up. Also, if roles were reversed, and DH had a job that required about 20% travel, no way would he feel guilty about it. So I decided I wouldn’t either :)
2. We hired a teacher from our son’s daycare to do drop off and pick up while I was traveling which was a lifesaver. She could also help with bed and bath time if DH had a work event that same week.
3. Meal planning – the weeks I would travel, DH and I would figure out a meal plan in advance to save him time while I was gone and he could just execute. Not that he couldn’t do it by himself, but it just gave him one less thing to think about and plan for while I was gone.
4. Disposables, take out, etc. basically just accept that the weeks you’re traveling, lessen the other “asks” on DH – we used disposable plates, bowls, etc. to save on dirty dishes. Got more takeout that week. Scheduled housework for the weeks where both of us were at home and could take turns watching kids, etc.
Over time, it worked for us and I for one, while I love being remote, can’t wait to resume some business travel.
Anon says
Post again in the morning for more responses. In some ways as she gets older the travel might feel nice to have some alone time and a nice way for DH to bond with kiddo. Obviously everyone feels differently but i haven’t spent a night away from my kids since October 2019 (thanks Covid) and the idea of spending a week away even for work sounds heavenly. Granted my 3 year olds have been very very challenging lately.
Eager Beaver says
I think the honest answer is it depends. I have friends and colleagues who loved it after a period of adjustment. The logistics got easier, but the emotional part just never got better for me, and I moved to a role in my org without travel. There’s not a right or wrong answer.