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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Lana Del Raygun says
Did anyone see the Vox piece about baby-friendly bars? It includes a quote from an Orwell essay about a (sadly fictional) pub:
> And though, strictly speaking, they are only allowed in the garden, the children tend to seep into the pub and even to fetch drinks for their parents. This, I believe, is against the law, but it is a law that deserves to be broken, for it is the puritanical nonsense of excluding children — and therefore, to some extent, women — from pubs that has turned these places into mere boozing-shops instead of the family gathering-places that they ought to be.
ORWELL IS KILLIN IT AS USUAL AND I AM SO MOVED
Lana Del Raygun says
https://www.vox.com/the-goods/2019/8/6/20754738/taproom-brewery-baby-family-friendly-children
avocado says
This reminds me of the time I listened to a family court judge tell a story about a father who took his child to the bar as an example of terrible parenting. After we left the judge’s chambers, I turned to my colleague and remarked that I was glad I wasn’t a party in the judge’s court. I never got the memo that you aren’t supposed to bring your baby to the bar, and neither has anyone else in my neighborhood.
Ms B says
+1. I have two friends with craft breweries and one with a wine bar; all of them are not just kid-friendly, but actually encourage bringing kids during daylight. One of them even has a petting zoo once a year; with beverages, a free video game machine, board games, brewery cats AND a petting zoo, everyone is happy!
Irish Midori says
Agreed. One of my favorite family outings was when a group of friends celebrated Father’s Day by going to a tap house/brewery that had a back outdoor area with a volleyball court, outdoor games, and a stream for the kids to play in. Teaching kids responsible enjoyment of alcohol by example probably sets them up than drinking only in secret, IMO.
Nan says
My theory is the “no babies in a bar” thing is a throwback to when people smoked in bars. Or the people who have this theory are talking about dirty, packed establishments rather than a neighborhood pub? Maybe? I don’t know.
Lana Del Raygun says
I also found this super touching: https://www.vox.com/the-goods/2019/8/6/20755014/postpartum-depression-wipes-warmer-new-mom-products (community for families is becoming my personal hobbyhorse???)
Anonymous says
I loved this. Thanks for sharing.
anon says
Give me your best toy organizing, clutter busting, and book storing hacks. Kids are 2 and 5 and the stuff was all really manageable until a year ago and now it feels like our entire house is a playroom.
We’re in a 3 bedroom condo, so there is no basement/playroom to throw all the kid stuff and close the door. We need a major purge, but when? My dream is to take a week off of work to clean up/throw out and that’s…sad.
Irish Midori says
13″ inch cube storage with a variety of fabric bins and small plastic drawer units (for legos–so.many.legos.) are my decor of choice right now. I currently credit my children 50 cents per day that the roomba can run in the living room and their rooms. Legos that get eaten by said roomba do not generally get rescued. So far it works (well enough). I can handle the clutter better if it’s just not on the floor. We also turned repurposed the old train table to a lego table to at least keep the chaos corralled and off the floor.
Beyond that, I lowered my threshhold for “acceptable.”
Anon says
Your 5 year old should be help with sorting through their stuff and giving away what they no longer use. We do a big purge between Christmas and New Year’s – coincides with the arrival of a bunch of new toys, and with the adults having some time off work to oversee kid’s sorting and take stuff to goodwill.
anon says
LOL– I wish that were feasible with my children. I have 6-year-old twins and they absolutely cannot handle the decisions associated with purging their stuff, even toys they have no interest in playing with. I do it every once in a while when they sleep, the night before garbage pickup. (Our theory is that the twin thing might have something to do with their inability to deal–they share so much that they both have a strong possessive streak that comes out at inopportune times.)
Irish Midori says
Similar story. We get super nostalgic at these moments about everything from teething rings to that rock I once found on a playground. I sometimes “hide” a disused toy for a few months, and if no one asks for it, it quietly goes away. Lately I’ve been promising a yard sale, and to let them keep whatever they make off their stuff, and that’s inspired a much harder purge. The problem is, now I have to actually do a dang yard sale, and I think I’d rather set it all on fire. I’m waiting for a community yard sale, and I’ll have to just suck it up and follow through.
Anonymous says
Yikes. I’d put prices on it all and then just give my kids the sum of all the prices and donate the stuff somewhere else.
Ms B says
We wait until the The Kid goes off for his annual week with the grands and then purge all plastic junk acquired at birthday parties, deflated balloons, regular rocks that do not fit in a single “treasure box”, etc. Toys that do not get a lot of love get put in a particular large Rubbermaid for “storage” and if they do not get pulled out at all during the year, they go off to The Kid’s old daycare if they are in good condition. Stuffies go into the Boon stuffed animal bag (available from the River Site). I am looking at getting a second one.
Sasha says
Get rid of half their stuff. See if that solves the clutter-taking-over problem. Get rid of half of it again. Continue until satisfied with the state of your home.
You can’t organize away the problem of having too much stuff. If your kids are anything like mine, they don’t play with the vast majority of their toys anyway. Just because something is nice and in good condition and they might play with it or read it someday doesn’t mean you need to store it in your home. There will always be another toy and another book. Pare down to the things your kids really need and use today.
anne-on says
Can you have your husband take the children away for a fun weekend day activity and do it then? I echo the above advice, I need to do the majority of the culling with my kid away otherwise suddenly every single book/toy/game becomes precious. You don’t have to purge everything, but getting a start will help, and then you can also get a sense of what IS used more often.
Buddy Holly says
I think the purging is key. If you buy more storage, it just gets filled with more stuff. Find what purge method works for you. Do a little at a time or pick a day. Have child help if they can. If not, throw EVERYTHING in a boxes. Remove what you know you must keep. Next, tell child that you are putting away some toys and ask if they are missing anything. Put back whatever they name. Keep boxes around for a week or two, just in case a dear toy is missed. Donate boxes after that.
SC says
About twice a year, I purge by throwing a bunch of toys into bins in the garage while Kiddo isn’t home, then donate them a few months later. I boxed up 2 bins in May, and he hasn’t asked for a single toy from them all summer. I just give myself an hour to purge, a couple of times a year. I make decisions very quickly (it’s not my stuff). It’s not perfect–sometimes things are missed and “magically” reappear, and I’m sure toys and books that don’t get played with stay. It just gets to a manageable level.
DH and I rearranged our house last month to create a play room. I understand you can’t do that, but if you can make one area the designated play space and create some toy storage there, it will take away from the feeling that the “whole house” is a play room. It also helps if you can create one “safe zone” where the kids are unlikely/not allowed to bring toys and for you to have coffee, read a book, talk on the phone, etc.
Anon says
I try to get rid the toys my child has outgrown before his birthday, which is also right before Christmas to make room for the inevitable onslaught of new stuff. And by “get rid of”, I mean put in a box just in case he asks for something. But to date, he hasn’t asked for anything I’ve put out of sight.
This is what I do for storage: the toys live primarily in the family room and my son’s bedroom. In the family room, I have a cubby thing and a storage ottoman. There is also room in the tv stand. Additionally, I keep a basket in pretty much every room in the house. So if I need to pick things up quickly, I can. The toys aren’t organized, and sometimes we have to look in everyone if he wants something specific, but they are put away. The biggest challenge is what to do with toys that have a lot of small pieces. I keep those out of reach and put away until he asks to play with them.
It definitely takes a conscious effort. I’ve been very vocal in my opposition to a ton of stuff and I think the grandparents have, for the most part, respected that.
lala says
We purge as we clean. Did they get this toy out and play with it for 5 minutes? Did they just dump this and move on? If yes, then it goes to the garbage or donate bins. We don’t make a big to do about it, or ask their input, we just toss it. If they ask about it later we say “it went to another kid to play with”.
We have a 3 and 5 yo and have gotten it down to (1) magna tiles (2) legos (3) duplos (4) wooden blocks (5) doll house (6) dolls (7) hot wheels cars. Each toy type in its own bin. When I write it out it seems like a lot, but it is actually very manageable (maybe due to our house size?). We quickly purge anything that comes into the house that is non conforming, once they stop enjoying it (which is usually pretty quickly).
OP says
Wow, lala! Your list seems really pared down to me, great job!
We seem to have many puzzles, card games, and sets with little pieces like bead making, magnet paper doll things, stamp sets, playdoh sets. Do you keep stuff like that? I am so intrigued by your purge policy.
rakma says
Purge before you purchase organizers. I almost bought a new set of shelving, but did a quick purge of things that were huge and never got used (why did we even have that Peppa Pig castle?) and saved myself the hassle of putting together yet another set of shelves.
Also, I’m seriously considering taking a week off work after school starts, to organize toys, prep freezer meals, and just get on top of life, so I’m with you on the sad Mom dreams.
anon says
I have done this before, and it was MAGICAL. Seriously.
avocado says
I usually take off the week before school starts–the week after would be even better.
anon says
my twins seem to hate each other and it makes me so sad. i know that just bc they are twins that does not mean they will be besties and i’m totally ok with that, but at this stage they either completely don’t notice each other, twin A takes twin B’s toys and twin B sits and cries about it and waits for an adult to fix it, get jealous when one is being held or when they can’t have the other one’s milk or when i have to stop playing with them to go get the other one, and occasionally there are moments of cuteness when they interact and giggle with each other. is this typical for 14 month olds?
Anon says
Gently, they’re 14 months. This in no way means they’re going to hate each other for life. Most 14 month olds don’t really interact with other children, except to grab their toys or cry when the other child has something they want. This is completely typical behavior. If they’re having even a few moments of giggling and interacting happily, I’d say they’re doing very well.
irishtwin says
This is a life-long relationship, and will inevitably go through ups and downs. I’m not a twin but only 14 months younger than my sister. We hated each other in high school (or thought we did). Really, it was probably more about carving out our own identities, separate from each other (we have similar personalities and interests, and as adults have sometimes been mistaken for twins). Now, at age 32, she’s one of the most important people in my life. She’ll be the guardian for my kids if something happens to DH and me.
RR says
My twins are 11 years old. They sometimes seem like best friends who get each other like no one else, and they sometimes seem to hate each other. They are siblings. Yes, it’s a slightly different relationship, but they are still siblings. They love each other, but some days they don’t like each other. So, gently, be realistic in your expectations of them–not just now at 14 months when this is totally developmentally appropriate, but throughout childhood. Being twins doesn’t confer some magical relationship with no bumps. If anything, it can be bumpier because there’s this person who is always around. In the same grade, sometimes in the same activities, experiencing life milestones at the same time. It’s special and fantastic, but it’s also frankly annoying for them at times. It doesn’t mean they hate each other.
AnotherTwinMon says
I have 12 month old twins and this is pretty much how mine interact. I think this is normal. I’m told they’ll have a really close relationship as they get older. They may not always get along and certainly may have different personalities and interests, but they’ll have a really special relationship. I’m hoping that’s true!
Anonymous says
Youve posted about this before and you are still wrong. Your 14 month old twins do not hate each other. Stop saying that. They are behaving in perfectly normal ways.
Anonymous says
Your twins do not hate each other. They’re toddlers, they don’t hate anyone. This is like saying a 6 month old baby hates you. This is normal twin behavior and sadly I don’t think it gets better for a long time (4 or 5ish?). I have a friend with twins whom I see on a weekly basis. They’re almost 3 and they gravitate towards playing with/near each other but then fight like cats and dogs all the time. But then they hate being away from one another. Again, normal. I suggest you find a multiples support group in your area if you are in any sort of metropolitan region. Other twin moms can give you some perspective on these issues.
anonanony says
ha mine are nine months – my girl twin has discovered she can climb and she thinks her brother/boy twin is a good place to climb. what breaks my heart is boy twin just kind of lies there while she clambers all over him, i want him to at least roll away, do something to protect himself. i am also told it will get better when they are five. so yeah um only 4 more years.
but seriously when they both look up and smile and giggle at the same time and i have two sets of cute eyes and two cute smiles shining up at me…worth it.
Shop for me? says
If you had $400 to set yourself up with some decent quality clothing and accessories as a one-time opportunity, what would you choose? I’m pregnant with baby #2 and would like to set myself up for style and ease before she arrives. I have a pretty good idea of my sizing post-baby, so I’m not too concerned about that.
But what are some good investment pieces that will keep me looking “together” and feeling good when I go back to work/back to real life after maternity leave?
Thank you!!
Anon says
I would not buy anything until you actually know your post baby size. I’m not trying to be snarky, but your size post baby #1 can be very different than your size post baby #2.
Shop for me? says
I totally get that. So let’s say I wait until my size seems to have settled- what do you think I should get then?
Anonymous says
I’ll play. Spend it on great shoes. Shoes can make or break an outfit. Anything that’s left over, spend getting your clothes tailored to fit just right.
Irish Midori says
What’s your work dress expectation and what kinds of things do you do off work time? That would help.
Shop for me? says
Business casual at work, dressy for religious weekend events. Thank you!!
anon says
I don’t know; postpartum is such a weird time. Even though I lost the weight relatively quickly, my shape didn’t exactly bounce back right away, either time. My focus was just having enough stuff that actually fit right and didn’t require me to repeat outfits constantly. Everything needed to accommodate pumping/nursing, too. So dresses were pretty much out, even though they are so much more forgiving than pants. What would’ve helped me feel more put-together was a work bag that I really loved, a comfortable pair of shoes, and at least one pair of pants that made me feel sleek instead of frumpy. A good jacket also would’ve hid a multitude of sins, I think.
I also felt 1 million times better after cutting my hair off, but YMMV.
Anonymous says
I’d buy some pants that fit at the time when you go back to work that you can have taken in as you lose weight. Nothing super expensive – maybe BR Sloan’s on sale if it works out. A few shirts to wear under existing blazers. Flats. I wanted nothing to do with heels when I was carrying a carseat around into daycare and stuff. Stretchy dresses.
Also, with respect to pants, I used my belly band a lot in those early months. Way more than when I was pregnant.
Clementine says
I would buy an upgrade trenchcoat with a button out liner, a pair of black block heeled pumps, and/or a professional bag.
For me, it’s all about cost per wear. Outerwear, shoes, and bags are the things I’m willing to spend more on because the cost per wear makes it worth it.
SC says
For maternity leave, I lived in loose, jersey knit sundresses and a couple of flowy skirts with elastic waists.
Before I went back to work, I bought all new bras and underwear (the most important to making me feel put together!), shoes, sunglasses, and some tops from the Ann Taylor outlet. I also had all of my shoes repaired/polished and had a few things tailored. I had not really changed sizes in pregnancy, but things shifted for a while.
Redux says
I had to buy a whole new work wardrobe after baby #2. My body changed in such different ways than with #1, and even though my weight returned to pre-baby weight pretty quickly, I was in different enough shape that none of my suits fit well anymore. I spent maybe $200 at Loft to buy a new crop of pants, skirts, blouses for my business casual office, and then bought a very basic suit at banana. It wasn’t the most glam way to spend $500 but it was necessary to get through the return-to-work period.
If that hadn’t been my experience I would definitely say coat/ bag/ shoes!
CPA Lady says
A work uniform. I work in a business-side-of-business-casual office and I have a sort of uniform.
Summer: sleeveless ponte sheath dresses from old navy and talbots
Winter: BR sloan ankle pants with various tops, though I’m thinking of switching to all thin turtleneck sweaters
On top, if necessary: j crew sweater blazers (2 margot in navy and tan, 1 sophie in forest green)
Shoes: I’m considering rothy’s loafers for winter and rothy’s points or ballet for summer, but I haven’t shelled out the cash yet.
Pogo says
+1, figure out your work uniform and go from there. Some nice ponte sheath dresses, a good quality black blazer, and a few patterned blouses would be my vote, but that’s dependent on my style.
shortperson says
mm lafleur foster pants or some similar stretchy waistband black pants. and an mm dress that you love if you need a dress. personally i have a lot of dresses so my seasonal updates these days are fun blazers.
AwayEmily says
My advice would be to take a cue from what you currently wear the most now and upgrade those pieces. If you love comfy ponte dresses, buying a really nice pencil skirt won’t magically transform you into someone who wears pencil skirts (speaking from unfortunate experience here).
After my second kid I found myself MUCH less tolerant of discomfort. My weight/body shape didn’t change much, but I just no longer had the energy to deal with uncomfortable waistbands or constricting blazers, especially when I sometimes couldn’t get a chance to change out of my work clothes until the kids were in bed.
2 Cents says
I’m giggling at the pencil skirt comment because I just bought one thinking “this will be great!” My PP body did not agree, but my pre-baby body wouldn’t either. Guess I thought the magic of childbirth would mean I could wear pencil skirts and sheath dresses?
Anon says
An assortment of accessories– nice quality jewelry, silk scarves, belts, shoes, that will look fantastic with any black outfit and also adapt to whatever size you are. I had a formal workplace and when things didn’t fit well I just threw on the black dress du jour and added a nice scarf which helped me feel much more pulled together (even though I probably had spit up in my hair).
New@this says
Anyone have suggestions for birthday gifts for a girl who is turning 11? I don’t know her super well so not sure what she likes.
Irish Midori says
Card and money. This is the age where money starts to be more exciting than “stuff,” and she can combine it with other funds to get something really exciting she’s been wishing for.
Anon says
I agree. If you don’t want to do straight cash,you could do a Target or Amazon gift card – everyone can find something they like at those stores. If you know she’s a reader, a gift card to a local bookstore can also be a slightly less impersonal option.
Anonymous says
I’d do Target over Amazon. I think kids that age love to go and buy things at the store. Online purchases aren’t quite the same.
Sasha says
Not to state the obvious, but can you ask her parents? I often get texts from my kids’ party guests’ parents in advance asking what kinds of things she likes, and I don’t mind at all!
RR says
My 11 year old girl would love money, gift cards for books, fancy notebook and pen sets, craft kits, fancy bath sets, age-appropriate costume jewelry, trinket boxes/pouches, etc.
Playing alone says
How do you teach kids to play solo? My 2.5 year old does not seem to have this skill. She’s very extroverted and wants to be where the people are, always. It’s particularly irritating when I’m trying to nurse new baby. TIA
Knope says
My 2.5 year old will play solo for a little while, but still wants me engaged a bit. And by “play solo” I mean play by himself in front of me, not like in a separate room. I think it’s age-appropriate to want adults involved, but you can try to encourage her to do at least some things by herself. Have you tried giving her “prompts” for things she can do solo? E.g., “Can you build a tower with those blocks?” “Is Elmo hungry? Why don’t you cook him something to eat?” etc.
Pogo says
+1 to prompts, they buy me a little solo time.
Redux says
I’m not sure it’s something you can teach, honestly. Part of it is based on personality and part of it on developmental stage. I think it’s completely age appropriate for a 2.5 year old to prefer to be with the people. Is there something that captures her attention that you could put away and bring out when it’s time to play alone? My 2.5 year old can play solo with trucks, puzzles, those water paint books, and sometimes magnatiles. If she’s task oriented you could try giving her a task– line up all your cars in a row on the edge of the rug! — to set her up to work on something solo for a few minutes with you chiming in words of encouragement. Good luck! Baby + toddler is SO HARD.
AwayEmily says
+1 to it being a developmental thing. I think as long as you keep giving her opportunities, she will figure it out eventually. Mine was awful at playing alone at 2.5, and now at 3.5 she is decent at it — not because we started doing anything differently, but because she now has a more complex inner life/imagination, I think.
Anon says
This is probably not helpful for the 2.5 year old, but for your younger one, I think practicing “benign neglect” from infancy can help. My daughter spent a large portion of her infancy lying on an activity mat while her dad worked, and now as a 17 month old she can play pretty well independently with blocks or stuffed animals (not for hours, but in solid 20 minute chunks). It could just be her personality, but I think there are studies that leaving kids to be on their own from a young age helps develop independent play skills (the “benign” part means they’re only left alone as long as they’re happy, and you attend to them if they cry, fuss, etc.)
Anonymous says
+1 as soon as my maternity leave ended I would leave DD playing in crib or pack n play for 10-15 mins if I needed time to get ready in the morning. But I think so much is also personality – introverted kids just tend to be better at independent play.
Anonymous says
+2 yess!! Our motto was “do not engage” starting in infancy to teach independent play. If they’re content doing what they’re doing and not actively seeking your attention, no need to distract them with another toy/book/activity or point out anything. At the 2.5 age, it helps to ask leading questions too: “What do you think mama wants to eat? Can you prepare me a surprise in your kitchen?”; “What else do you think that [car/truck/doll] wants to do/go?”
Another resource: check out BusyToddler.com for lots of easy activities that keep a toddler occupied for a bit and hopefully can help teach independence and concentration. I think she has an Insta too.
CPA Lady says
Janet Lansbury claims it can be taught. But you have to “give your child opportunities” to learn it, which for some kids means forcing them to learn it by telling them you are going to be busy and they have to play by themselves, and then separating yourself from them even if they fuss about it. I have never forced my kid to learn it, and as a result, she never plays by herself except when she’s having “quiet time” (what replaced nap on the weekends once she was 4 ish), and she only plays by herself then because the other option is taking a boring old nap. My sister’s kids both play really well by themselves, and she chalks it up to, as she says “ignoring them a lot”. She’s a SAHM so she has more time with them overall.
CPA Lady says
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/05/stop-entertaining-your-toddler-in-3-steps-2/
Here’s an article about it.
anon says
I think the fact that she’s a SAHM and has more time with them is a big factor though! I think there’s a combination of developmental/age, being taught, and innate personality, but I also think sometimes kids want to be with us after a long day (right when we want to unwind and have to get dinner on the table).
If I’m just busy doing something around the house, I’ve had success setting my kid up with an activity near me. I get out the play doh, or art supplies, or a puzzle. I half-listen as he tells me what he’s making. I praise him effusively when he’s finished. It’s not “playing by himself,” but it’s also not me sitting on his floor moving trains around the track. (Obviously, if you need to talk on the phone or read while you have a glass of wine, this approach isn’t enough. For that, I need DH to intervene or a screen.)
LSC says
Has anyone had surgery to correct a ventral or umbilical hernia? My abdominal muscles separated during pregnancy and have not healed over they last year, so it’s looking like I may have to have it corrected surgically. Freaking out a bit, so I would love to hear about any experiences.
Anonymous says
My aunt just had surgery to correct an umbilical hernia. She’s in her 50’s, so might have a slightly different experience. She had pain following the surgery for a few days to the point of needing prescription painkillers, but weaned to just advil/tylenol pretty quickly. After that she had restrictions on lifting (which I could see being complicated if you have young children). Overall it went well for her, but the recovery did take some time.
Lilyput says
I weighed in at 149 lbs today (baby is 18 months). 3 months postpartum was 130. :(
I know I should exercise and eat better but ouch. Just wanted to share this with someone not irl.
Anon says
I’m right there with you. 12 months postpartum and I haven’t even weaned yet but I’m quickly gaining back all the weight I lost. It’s so frustrating!
Anon says
I’m in the same boat. I was 150 pre-pregnancy and got down to 145 at 6 months postpartum, but am back all the way up to 160 now and am just starting the weaning process, so I feel like I’ll gain more.
Anon4This says
Sigh. Bodies are funny, and this is so different for every woman. Hang in there.
For me, I didn’t lose anything (plus it was really hard to find time to exercise) until I was done nursing/pumping at 12 months. After that, the pounds started to drop and I was also better able to get into a good routine with diet and exercise. I refuse to weigh myself because even with lost weight, I know my body has changed with age and postpartum, and I also have gained muscle from the workouts, so I probably won’t like the number.
Anon says
This is a relief to hear. I’m struggling with my weight pre-weaning and I feel like it’s only going to get worse from here. But maybe there is hope!
Anon4This says
Ugh. Hang in there. For what it’s worth, my body held on to every. single. ounce. of weight to produce milk. I have a lot of other friends/colleagues/family members who were in the same boat and didn’t lose a pound while nursing, but then like me, did drop weight after weaning.
2 Cents says
Still nursing at 16 months and in the same boat. I lost a ton of weight right after the c-section but it’s like I can feel my body hanging on to every calorie as I breastfeed/pump. And I’m still ravenous even though baby doesn’t nurse as often.
anon says
i am scared this is going to be me. i loved what i weighed and how my body felt when i weighed less at like 4-12 months post partum, but now at 14 months it is starting to creep and there is just so much junk in my office and i sit right next to the kitchen
Anon says
The lactation I worked very closely with for months told me that some women won’t lose weight until they’re done with breastfeeding. I think her exact words were, “You’ll lose 15 pounds when you stop nursing and pumping.” Solidarity.
Anonymous says
Please be more thoughtful!! Posting specific weights is not necessary and it is harmful to others. Your horrified high weight is one I haven’t seen since 9th grade.
Anon says
Weight is completely meaningless in the absence of height and bone structure, which she shared nothing about. If she’s 6’2″ she could be a supermodel, if she’s 5’0″ she’s heavy. You have absolutely no idea what OP looks like based on weight alone, and this reaction is super melodramatic.
T says
Omg stop. She could be 4’10”, she could be 6’2″. Someone else’s body has no bearing on yours. I say this as someone who also weighs more than the OP.
Anon says
When is “omg stop” going to be over? I so hate this phrase. It’s so unnecessarily dismissive. I’m not the OP and I agree with your point generally fwiw.
T says
Not sure, when something better comes along I guess. I did mean it to be unnecessarily dismissive, to be honest – obsessing over bodies under the guise of not obsessing over bodies is so frustrating to me.
Anon says
I haven’t seen this weight since — ever? Childhood? But I agree that weight is just meaningless depending on height and body type, so I don’t think mentioning the numbers is offensive.
Anon says
I totally agree. The lower number is one I haven’t seen since I last was starving myself, and the higher number since I was recovering from that. It just reinforces my self-thoughts that I’m so fat and huge that no one can love me. There was no reason to include the numbers.
Anon says
I just don’t understand how a number can impact you so much when the range of normal height varies by a foot or more. A healthy weight for someone who’s 5′ tall is not going to be healthy for someone who’s 6′, and vice versa. I weigh more than OP at her highest and have since college, but I’m tall and feel great in my body. Someone naming a weight at which they don’t feel great in their body is not a judgment on everybody else at that weight. It’s just a number and, in a vacuum, it’s meaningless.
Anon says
Because eating disorders and feelings are not logical. I may know that a number on person A is very different than me, but what I hear is “oh, gross, who can stand to weigh [this number]! It’s way to much and so fat! And you are so gross and fat and unloveable and a horrible person because you weigh [number plus X]!”
I can’t outlogic it. No amount of logic is going to convince my feelings and mental thoughts to go away.
Anon says
That’s like saying “the people asking for vacation recommendations need to pipe down, because I’m jealous I don’t have any disposable income right now.” I realize you feel what you feel, but if you know it’s not logical, don’t criticize other people for perfectly reasonable comments.
Anon says
That is such a false comparison. Not including the numbers would have absolutely no impact on the discussion. The exact same discussion could have been had if the OP had same, “I’m higher than my pre-baby weight, and higher than I was at 3 months postpartum.” The numbers add nothing.
What is the downside to excluding them? How does that hurt you? People have asked that they not be included because they are triggering, and the only response you have is that you don’t care. No one has offered a justification for why the numbers are needed.
Anonymous says
Honestly, the amount of change is somewhat relevant. Could she have used percentages, perhaps? But the amount of weight gain relative to the amount she already weight is relevant. I’m sorry that it’s triggering, but it’s also an objective number. You may just need to learn to deal on this one.
Anon says
Disagree, I think the fact that she gained 20 pounds/increased her weight by 15% is relevant. Obviously how significant it is does depend on her height and frame, but the numbers convey something that just saying “I gained weight” doesn’t. Based on past discussions here, I think if she just said she’d gained weight, people would have jumped all over her and accused her of being worried about 5 pounds that nobody else can see.
anon says
Come on. You don’t know anything about her size, beyond a number. IT IS JUST A NUMBER. IT IS NOT A JUDGMENT ON YOU. Surely you can sympathize with the fact that she’s not feeling great in her body right now?
rosie says
I totally agree that just knowing a number is meaningless, so why bother posting it in the first place (the OP & others responding to her)? I was put off by the numbers discussion. I weigh more than the OP & more than I’d like to weigh. I’d be much more likely to empathize if OP just said she wasn’t feeling great about her body right now at 18 months PP and asked for advice/commiseration.
Anonymous says
The number isn’t meaningless–it demonstrates that she’s gained 19 lbs over the past 15 months, when she presumably expected to lose weight or at least to not gain any. She is allowed to be upset over a 15 percent gain.
IF fan says
It took me a full 2 years to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. If you’re looking for suggestions, the only thing that worked for me was intermittent fasting. (I eat from 1 – 7 pm, nothing the rest of the time). It was easy and the pounds fell off within a month. I was seriously tired of feeling that I had to work out all the time, count calories, etc. I don’t do any of that with IF and it still works amazingly well.
shortperson says
i just started that a few weeks ago on an easier version: i eat 11-630 on weekdays and dont worry about it on weekends. (sunday night is a weekday and friday night is a weekend.) it is slowly working and i can handle it. but i do miss breakfast.
personally i was at my lowest weights in my adult life when each child was about 10-12 months old and then the weight crept back on as they cut back on breastfeeding. i think this is just the new normal in my life and metabolism.
Anonymous says
I take a similar approach to IF when I need to lose pounds. 10 a.m. – 6 p.m. Sunday night through Friday around 6 p.m. It works really well for balancing family meals.
Lilyput says
OP here. Thanks for sharing your experiences. I know I am not alone in this. Good luck to everyone in their journey to getting back to their comfort weight or feeling.
Also, Thanks for the tip about intermittent fasting. It would be an easy thing for me to implement.
shortperson says
for me i think i also got into a habit of saying yes to more things when i was pregnant or breastfeeding. it has helped me to stop and think — would i have eaten this when i was 25? i.e. would i have gotten that pastry with my coffee? no i wouldn’t have. pregnancy and breastfeeding were a nice break from that but they are over. this is just getting back to my life as a short person with a slow metabolism. i am lucky in many other ways.
Anonymous says
Yes, so much this. I was not a junk food person until pregnancy, but my pregnancy philosophy was basically “I’m big and uncomfortable no matter what, might as well have the cake!.” I was pregnant or nursing (my body is the type that loses weight while nursing) and ate whatever I wanted for 5 years… and then I weaned my youngest and gained 15 lbs in a year. I’m tall, so I didn’t have to buy a whole new wardrobe, but I didn’t feel good at that weight. I’m mid 30s, so my metabolism is not what it used to be, and my time and energy available for exercise is not what it used to be either. I have been working to re-establish healthy eating and exercise habits, and I’m getting back to my feel-good weight, but it’s just so much harder than it used to be.
Anonymous says
Are you nursing? Did you nurse? And when did you stop? I walked into my 6 week appointment post-birth the same weight I was pre-pregnancy and held that or a little below that for the remainder of the time I nursed. I had a bit of a grace period post-weaning, and then it started creeping up. All of the sudden when my babe was around 2, I was my heaviest non-pregnant weight ever. And I should mention I was horribly out of shape so no part of that heaviness was extra muscle. As someone mentioned above, I got really lax while pregnant about my food choices and portion size, and then while nursing I could eat like a teenage boy and still be famished. It took some real mindfulness to reel in my portion sizes and get back to positive, whole food choices. I know people have success with intermittent fasting, but as someone who’s struggled with eating disorders, I think the whole thing is a path to that, so I’ve not done that, but I started working out consistently and working on portion sizes and recommitting to water consumption, and that’s all helped. I’m still a bit up for pre-pregnancy (about 3-5 pounds) but that’s my new comfortable, healthy normal and I’m cool with it.
Lilyput says
OP here. As someone here put it, my numbers are not on judgement on anyone. I appreciate everyone who could empathize with my situation, and if you couldn’t, that’s OK too.
ugh says
Comments like this really bother me. Intermittent fasting may be the path to eating disorders for YOU. Please don’t make generalizations about it as a whole. Many of us who do it have never had an eating disorder. I eat plenty of food, just doing my eating window. It is advocated by numerous physicians, not just for weight loss but for overall metabolism, reducing the propensity for diabetes, etc.
Anonymous says
Give it a year, it’ll be debunked.
Leather with carseats? says
Will carseats damage leather seats in cars? Are the seat protectors necessary/ any good? Our tinies are 2 and almost born so we’re going to be dealing with car seats for a while. We’re about to buy a new car and I’d like to get leather because in the long run it seems a lot easier to clean than fabric. I keep cars forever (~15 years) so there are both a lot of kid years and carseat years in front of us. Thanks!
Anonymous says
So..technically seat protectors are not considered safe to use with car seats since they’re an after-market product. That being said, we use them in our Ford Explorer with leather seats because…kids (dirty shoes, pouches, applesauce, vomit, etc…).
anon says
this is not true. they are safe if they are made by the company that makes the car seats and tested with them. the clek ones are considered safe
Clementine says
I use the ones made by Diono with our Diono carseats! Would recommend.
Ms B says
Agree that the protectors are not a good safety choice. We were resigned that one car would be the primary kid car and we have dealt with the crumbs/spills/shoes/OMG what is THAT and the leather seats are not great, but not really any worse than the seat where The Kid’s seat is not placed.
Suggestions here:
Get a good portable vac; pull out the car seat at least once a quarter and get in there to vacuum.
If you are busy, the vac is something that a decent car wash will do for you and well worth the money.
Hard sided cups with lids for kids; lidded cups for everyone else.
No juice boxes, Caprisuns or cupcakes in the car.
All the Mr. Clean Magic Sponges.
Keep old towels in the trunk for mud emergencies.
Keep baby wipes in the car at all times.
AwayEmily says
I’m sure this rule won’t work for everyone, especially if you have a long commute with kids, but we have a strict no food in the car rule. Kids are allowed nothing but water, even on long trips (we stop to eat, obviously — we don’t starve them!). This is mostly because I am super paranoid about choking, but it has had the unintentional bonus of keeping our car relatively clean.
CCLA says
Glad to hear I’m not alone. We have this same rule, for the same reason, and the clean car isn’t the main motivation but is a nice bonus. We do use the mat things for the cleks since they are approved by the manufacturer, but in our other car no mats under the nuna ravas. DH also removes the car seats every time they go to the car wash for interior cleaning, maybe every 6 weeks or so, which helps immensely with keeping things clean.
Pogo says
We have the Munchkin Brica car seat protectors for our leather seats. It was mostly the dirty shoes kicking the seat I was worried about.
Anon says
We take shoes off in the car (because our kid will put them in her mouth, not to protect the seats). But it serves the dual purpose of protecting the seats.
Anonymous says
We have two cars with leather and a car seat in both. Absolutely no damage, and I’ve never heard of anyone who did have damage. Safe or not, you can skip the protector.
Anonymous says
Me! I’ve had damage in two different cars from Britax Marathons. It’s like the base gouged the leather in the back, where the latching mechanism is. I mean, it’s not the end of the world (we’re car eaters, unlike others on this thread, so our cars are a bit trashed), but if you’re tightening down the LATCH system enough, I think it’s a risk on leather. Probably on upholstery too though.
Spirograph says
This is my experience, too. I have 2 car seats and a booster in two different cars with leather seats. The seats need to be cleaned under the car seats, and they have compression dents when I first remove the car seat, but no permanent damage in the 3 years we’ve had the vehicles.
rosie says
I wouldn’t use the seat protectors unless they have been crash-tested with the carseat. The last time I got a new car there was an option to get a special coating on the interior and exterior to help protect everything (I think it was about $500 maybe, called simonize at one dealer and a different name by another). Could be something to ask about.
Anon. says
We have leather seats and haven’t seen any damage from either the Chicco infant seat or the Britax Marathon. I use a seat protector on the seat back to prevent muddy shoe prints but nothing underneath the carseat. I understand the warning against using underneath the seat if it hasn’t been tested for crash performance, but the seat back one doesn’t interfere or even really touch the carseat so I don’t have a concern about it from a safety perspective.
Anon says
Did anyone have babies/young toddlers that refused to go to sleep when their parents are in the room? When did that stop? Starting when she was about 11 months old, my (now 18 mo) daughter absolutely refuses to sleep if DH or I are in her room…it’s like she think parents = party time. Normally when we travel, we get a suite, or if that’s cost-prohibitive, we stick her PNP in the bathroom, which has worked fine. But we want to take a cruise and there’s no option to do that, since cruise bathrooms are tiny and the “suites” are hideously expensive and not true suites (no door between bedroom and living area). Does anyone have an idea when room-sharing when traveling might work again?
Anonymous says
On our recent cruise, there was a heavy curtain between the grown-up bed and the kids’ sleeping area with pull-out couch and pull-down bunk. This was a standard room, not a suite.
SC says
My child is like this to some degree. It’s never worked for us to stay with him while he falls asleep because he just tries to interact with us constantly.
Not sure which cruise you’re going on, but our last one had a heavy curtain that divided the room between the living area (where Kiddo slept) and the bed. That was enough for him to feel like he was in a different room, and we didn’t have any problems.
Another tip from room-sharing is that DH and I go to bed when Kiddo goes to bed (or at least pretend to until Kiddo falls asleep). Making the room dark, saying goodnight, and closing our eyes reinforces the message that it’s sleep time for everyone, not party time. Once Kiddo is asleep, if we haven’t passed out, we can read a Kindle or watch something with headphones without waking him up.
Finally, at that age, it was common for us to have one really tough night, with Kiddo refusing to fall asleep for 45 minutes to an hour. Then it got increasingly easier each night as he got used to the place. So don’t despair if things don’t go smoothly at first!
Anon says
Thanks both about the curtain, I will investigate that.
The “let’s all go to sleep” (and then adults use devices in bed after she’s asleep) trick worked when she was younger, but didn’t work the last time we tried it (a few months ago). However, she’s a lot more verbal now than she was even a few months ago so I think dark room + us all getting in bed + telling her to go to sleep might work better now.
First night is always rough when we travel, we usually have to just let her cry it out at bedtime, which is another reason we like to have her in her own room.
Anon says
On my last cruise (no kids) we got a suite and it had a full regular size bathroom. I know you said the suites were too expensive but I just wanted to let you know it had a regular bathroom and it had a room divider that could be closed between the living and sleeping areas. This was on Norwegian.
Tryingnottobefrumpyintheburbs says
Fun shopping challenge- I want a coat for late fall/winter that I can wear a lot and feel confident in. I do not want another wool coat and I don’t want a puffer coat. I have been secretly lusting over one of those quilted burberry coats that has a belt but I can’t seem to find the one I had in mind and I am wondering if there are other cute options out there. This little search of mine is getting me through a bored with work phase so I will appreciate any and all feedback and suggestions :)
anne-on says
Utility jackets seem to be having a moment this fall. The LLbean one would be my choice, but Jcrew and others also seem to have versions. I don’t love that look personally and find moto jackets fill a similar need along with vests. For ‘warm’ dressy jackets I do love love love my short wool Burberry trench.
Anon says
Any suggestions for a 3 y/o boy’s birthday gift? Budget is roughly $20.
Anonymous says
A play-doh kit.
Anonymous says
Play doh is solid.
Duplo works or a large truck.
Dollar store money works (like $20 in dollar store vouchers kid can spend).
Anonymous says
One of those kits where they can build a train/plane/etc with a kiddie electric drill and plastic screws. My 2.5 year old flipped out with excitement and pride over her first one.
Irish Midori says
Oh, yeah, this was a big hit at that age in my house, too. Also Thomas the Train anything.
Callie says
Stomp rockets (there are “jr” sets on Amazon that go 100 feet in the air as opposed to the older kid sets that go several hundred feet up)
Ms B says
+1. The glow in the dark ones are awesome; if within the price range, extra rockets are appreciated as our trees occasionally eat them.
Anon says
any and all vehicles
Oh yes, and the building things that anonymous at 1:51 mentioned was a hit too.
mascot says
Dress up clothes/costumes were a big hit starting around that age.
Anon says
Can you tell me if I’m overreacting? My husband sometimes disciplines our 17 month old by telling her she’s being “mean” (eg, if she pinches his arm, he will say something like “Ow, stop pinching me, that’s mean!”). I totally agree that the behavior needs to be corrected and she needs to learn to touch gentle touches, but she isn’t being “mean” – she’s clearly not trying to hurt him, and the language feels really harsh. I guess I say things to her like “don’t grab the dog’s tail, that isn’t nice” but that feels different than “mean” somehow. Am I overreacting?
Anon says
I think so. It’s not the word choice I personally would use, but I don’t think this is a battle worth fighting. Let him parent.
anon says
i sort of fall in your camp, but not necessarily bc i think the word mean is overly harsh, but i dont think a 17 month old knows what that means.i even think it would be better to say that it hurts the other person, rather than saying it is mean. it feels more directly related
Anonymous says
I’d probably bring it up and just ask if we can’t change it to “please don’t pinch me that hurts” but my husband is open to parenting discussions/suggestions without getting defensive. Depends on your marriage.
Anonymous says
This isn’t a battle I would pick, but I agree with anon at 1:49 that “mean” is probably lost on a 17 month old. I also don’t think toddlers understand negatives very well. Correcting a behavior by saying what you DO want the child to do seems to work a lot better than telling them what not to do. So, “Ow, stop! pinching hurts! Use gentle hands please” *demonstrate gentle touch*
Anonymous says
Oh yes…I totally forgot this was the age where we had to teach gentle touches. Toddlers literally don’t know HOW to touch other people appropriately. We had to teach DD how to do gentle touches with mommy/daddy/dog/other kids. Usually daycare can help with this as well
Irish Midori says
I think there’s a real difference between “That action is mean” and “You are mean.” FWIW. I cringe when I hear “You are irresponsible” instead of “That was an irresponsible way to handle that” to older kids. Don’t label the kid–they believe labels. Label the action and tell the kid they can do better than that because they are NOT mean/irresponsible/etc.
Toddler smoothie cup? says
What is a good cup for toddlers to drink smoothies? Open cup is too messy. Currently she uses my smoothie cup but it’s absurdly huge for her
Em says
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076MPF5PQ/ref=twister_B07JM1V3S9?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Ms B says
Small lidded Tervis with big silicone straw.
CPA Lady says
We’ve been using “squeasy snacker silicone pouches” from amazon for years. They completely come apart and are dishwasher safe. We have the 6 oz size. They are leak proof enough that I let kiddo wander the house in them.
CPA Lady says
wander the house WITH them. Sheesh.
Anonymous says
We use the Take and Go cups with the lid and straw.
Anonymous says
+1. The straws are a little narrow and harder to clean if the smoothie is thick, but their cheap and replaceable if they get too gucky.
AwayEmily says
This is also what we use for smoothies (I often add a bit of extra liquid to the kids’ version of the smoothies so they work better with the straws).
rosie says
We use Simple Goods stainless cups w/plastic lid & silicone straw for this (bought on am a zon). Definitely not spill proof if they get shaken up and down, but they work well enough for us. The straw does have the little thing at the bottom so it cannot be pulled out through the top.
Suggestions to stop toddler from pushing others? says
Looking for suggestions – I have a 7 week old and a 2 year old (just turned 2 in May). The toddler has had a rough time adjusting to the new baby and has started acting out physically at daycare, on playdates and with the baby. At daycare and on playdates he has been pushing the other kids (he is the instigator) and sometimes at home he will try to hit the baby on the head (most often this happens when I’m breastfeeding). Any suggestions as to the best way to respond? At home we have been trying to not give his behavior any attention, whether negative or positive, and instead giving baby the attention (asking if she is ok, etc). When it comes to playdates, we have been asking him to say sorry (he usually refuses) and if he does it a second time, we say its time to go home. Just wondering how others have handled this behavior? Are there any episodes that anyone recommends for this (maybe a daniel tiger one?)
shortperson says
theres a daniel tiger song “it’s ok to be mad, its not ok to hurt someone” from a relatively recent season
i’m all about janet lansbury so i always recommend her. she would say to physically stop him from hitting the baby but to let him take toys from teh baby and to listen to all of his feelings about the baby. also to not make him apologize.
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2016/04/helping-your-child-say-im-sorry/
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2014/09/surviving-sibling-struggles/
Spirograph says
+1 to this episode of Daniel Tiger, and there are a couple others about being mad. One teaches “take a deep breath and count to 4” and another teaches “stomp 3 times to make yourself feel better.” Also, the episodes right after baby Margaret is born, and is taking up all of parents’ time might be good ones to address the root problem of adjusting to a new sibling.
In addition to ignoring bad behavior, be sure you make time to focus on the toddler, and physically cuddle with him, too. It’s tough when you’re nursing, because you get so touched-out, and babies are so physically demanding, but the toddler needs you just as much as he did before the baby was born, and now he has to share. I think it’s helpful to verbalize to both kids that they sometimes need to wait while you do something for the other. “Baby, I need to help your brother now. You need to wait just a minute.” And then focus all your attention on 2 year old for a few minutes. Then it makes more sense to the 2 year old, and feels more fair, when you need to say “Toddler, I’m feeding baby right now. You need to wait just a minute.”
I remember that things got especially tough when new baby was around 2 months. The novelty of the new sibling had worn off, and the reality of sharing parents had set in and there were LOTS OF FEELINGS. You’re in the thick of it, but I’m here to tell you it will get better. Literally if you do nothing, it will probably get better. I think of it as a grieving process for the older kid. They get angry and express it in all kinds of inappropriate ways (esp 2 year olds. this was my kids’ age gap, too), but acceptance is coming in a few months.
Anonymous says
Husband is going to stay at his parents cabin for two days (he had some work stuff scheduled that isn’t happening and now has two days free). I am unable to go and will be home with kidlets.
Thinks have been rocky as of late, anyone have an ideas for something nice to do for him when he gets back?
Anon says
Isn’t letting him take a solo vacation while you take care of the kids the nice thing? I dunno, I just think he should be doing something nice for you for taking the kids so he can escape to the woods.
anne-on says
Ha, maybe I’m a mean wife, but yup, he should be thinking of nice things to do for YOU or at least taking a kid? Do you get similar kid free time alone btw? I’d push for a weekend away (or a day away, or a night off, or SOME time alone to decompress) when he’s back.
Anonymous says
I’d probably focus more on if there is anything you can do to make his time away even better. Make/pack some food or a fun pastime activity.
Anonymous says
Um what? He’s deserting you and the kids for two days for funsies, he needs to do nice things for you.
Anonymous says
This. You want to be asking for recommendations for a spa for next weekend. Why didn’t he take the kids with him?
Ha says
Yeah, I thought you were going to say — what are some fun things you can do with the kids while he is away. For him, you do nothing.
Anonymous says
Agree with comments that him having two days by himself is the nice thing you are doing. Simplest nice thing to do when he gets back is to make him his favorite dinner or order take out from his favorite place.
Emily S. says
Without knowing whether you perceive things have been rocky between the two of you or rocky with the kids or all of the above, that’s a hard one. If you’re cool with him leaving and feel like you haven’t been your best self with him, I think a heartfelt welcome home is worth more than an object. A date night when he gets home, hopefully recharged? If it’s been rocky bc of the kids, maybe have them make him cards or sneak in a family photo in his luggage with a short but nice note. FWIW, my husband was gone for a week for fun and I didn’t feel the need to do anything nice for him when he got home but I also didn’t feel like I deserved nice things from him when he got back. We’re partners, I just took the baton for a while and knew there would be my time to hand off the baton on the future.
Worriedanon says
Normal or should I seek help? I am very concerned/anxious about social interactions / making friends / bullying for my kids. My oldest is 3 and seems to be totally socially adept, so this isn’t a worry about something in particular just generalized concern about how kids can be mean and worry about his feelings getting hurt or his potentially getting bullied some day when he starts school. Does everyone worry about these things, or should I try to get some help to stop worrying about them? I don’t want my own social anxiety to impact my kid.
Anon says
I think you should seek help. It’s one thing to have sort of a generalized “I want my kid to fit in and be well-liked” worry, but you say you are “very concerned/anxious’ and that doesn’t sound normal to me. Fwiw, kids will absolutely be mean to him, he will get his feelings hurt, and he may even be bullied at some point. It’s part of life, he will handle it.