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Sales of note for 9.10.24
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Disney says
I have to be in Orlando for work in February, Wed-Fri. DD will be just shy of turning 5. I think we’re set on going early – maybe the Saturday before – and doing Disney, then sending DH and DD home on Wednesday when I go to the conference. I haven’t been since I was 10. What’s the best way to do this so that we get the most efficient itinerary, reservations, the right speed passes or whatever they’re called? From observation of other friends going, planning seems like such a chore that I have no bandwidth for. Willing to pay to get a really great experience for those few days. Any suggestions?
Anne-on says
How much money are you willing to throw at this? Genie passes are the new ‘fast pass plus’ system so I’d definitely spring for those if you have any MUST do rides/experiences. The points guy website has a good breakdown on whether or not it’s worth it. For the very top of the line, no expenses spared, experience you can do a private tour, booked through disney (on top of your park tickets). This is true walk on access, with a private guide, transport, etc. and you can hand the entire day’s logistics over to the guide for a (very) steep cost.
I don’t necessarily know that it is something I’d pay for with a 5-yr old who may be just as happy with a trip to bippity boppity botique and a princess meet and greet but YMMV. Eitherway there are LOTS of travel planning agencies and I’d highly suggest using one. From my visits/family trips, I’d suggest you ID the park you plan on spending the most time in and picking a hotel that offers the easiest access to that park. I personally like the Beach and Yacht club club level as the pools are great, and the boardwalk is fun BUT the direct access is only to Epcot, my family with girls only stay at hotels with tram access as they spend the most time in Magic Kingdom. This may not matter if you’re locked into the conference hotel but good to know.
Anonymous says
I would start by following some Disney groups on facebook (Walt Disney Tips and Tricks is a good one) and consider a Disney travel agent (though they’re only really helpful if you’re booking your park tickets and hotel reservation through them). It was a LOT more work than I expected, and it wasn’t all the kind of stuff that you think only people with too much time on their hands do. They’ve made it so you really have to plan a lot to not end up waiting in line at everything all day. Short of it: buy your park tickets and park reservations (they’re different) at least 3-4 months in advance; if you care about sit-down dining options, know that you have to strategize and book them 60 days out (at 6am naturally); and plan on getting Genie + for each of you (it adds up, feels ridiculous on top of pricey park tickets, but is totally worth it). Other than that, I’d let most of it go but maybe take a couple of days to plan out your top 4-6 rides at each park. including figuring out which to prioritize for Genie+. I swear, I’m not a disney nut, we just went in April.
Anon says
This. I hate planning but it’s totally worth it if you’re spending that kind of money. Our friends with kids at similar ages went the week before us, refusing to use a planner or make advance plans, and they had a miserable trip because they were in lines constantly and still missed out on some of their must-see items. It’s truly set up that you HAVE to plan ahead, esp if you have young kids.
Use a (free) Disney planner who will make your reservations for you and remind you which days you need to do which things. If you’re trying to get into the boutique or dinner with Cinderella in the castle or Tusker House, you’ll want the agent to be up early to book it for you on the right day. My planner asked us to pick which parks on which days, and our top 4-6 items at each park. Then she was able to suggest the right hotel, which tickets made the most sense, and create a rough itinerary for us, including which dinner and (then-fastpass, now-Genie) reservations we needed on which days. She then helped book all of that on our behalf.
Our trip was great – we saw and did everything we wanted, and even had flexibility to do a few things twice. And when our kids ended up falling in love with the Small World ride, we sent the planner a quick email and she gave us a few suggestions on what to change. We ended our last day at MK riding that dumb ride about 10 times and then sitting right underneath the fireworks for a “backwards” view that was breathtaking.
EP-er says
There are many travel agents who specialize in Disney. We have used one in the past, even though I used to be a 4x/year Disney person — it was terrific. She was up at 7 AM getting into the reservation system for us and keeps up on the latest news and changes. She made recommendations based on ages of the kids & interests. It take s the “such a chore” part out of the equation. No fee to you, but they get some perks at Disney when they go. I am happy to pass along her name, if you are interested in going that route!
OP says
Yes, please!!
EP-er says
I worked with Cathy for several years, and then she started doing this as a retirement job. She just got back from a trip. Tell her Jennifer sent you:
cathy(dot)pinkleton(at)simplyenchanted(dot)info
Anonymous says
I will be the semi-dissenting voice that our travel agent was awful. I think it was because we had already booked our hotel (through DVC points) and she only got commission on our park tickets (which we made clear when we first reached out). That would have been fine if she’d been clear that she wouldn’t do even half of what agents usually do, but it was almost worse having her pretend that she was helping but to do everything late and half-a$$ed. So make sure it’s clear what you’re getting when pick an agent!
Mrs. Jones says
Using a Disney travel agent is smart. Definitely stay somewhere on site, with monorail access.
Anonymous says
I would disagree here, I guess. Staying on site felt really optional to me. Yes, you get shuttle buses or the monorail (way more $ to get monorail access) and they were great, but the mark up for on site property is insane and I’m not convinced it’s worth it. You get early access hours which can be great, but again, was it worth a $2000 mark up? Not for us. Depends on your family, budget, and priorities, like everything else.
Anonymous says
IME the shuttle buses are way slower than driving and parking. The monorail would make more sense, but those hotels are $$$$$$.
Anonymous says
I was really unhappy with the shuttle buses in the morning to get to the parks. I thought they were fine at night to get home (including staying for fireworks).
anon says
Get a Disney travel agent.
anon says
If you’re looking for a recommendation, look up @yourdisneysidekick on the ‘gram.
Anon says
Welp, I’m going to pull the trigger and become a SAHM. I know this is a blog for working women but has anyone here done this? Anything you wish you’d known going in?
anon says
Congrats! I haven’t done paid work in ages, but I still read and post here regularly.
For me, it’s been important to connect myself to the community and to have an identity in addition to parent/homemaker/spouse. For me, that’s maintaining my law license, serving on a nonprofit board (related to kids, but very different skills and responsibilities than caretaking), making friends whom I see without kids, and a few other things.
Anon says
A couple people here have done it! I hope you keep reading and checking in. I’m leaning towards doing that in a year when my kid starts K.
Anon says
I’ve basically done this since Covid has forced a hermit homeschooling life on my immune-compromised family. I still work a few hours a week and keep up my license, but at this point I’m more SAHM than working mom. It is not ideally what I would be doing but it is what it is.
Anon says
Realized I didn’t give advice, so I will add that. I would think about your goals. If you want to go back to work at some point, you need to think really hard about your path to do that. If you can stay active in your field in some way (like maybe doing some work with a trade association, or a small bit of freelance if that is an option) you can maybe keep some doors open that would otherwise close. I echo the comments on setting very clear expectations with your partner. You should also have good life and disability insurance on the working partner.
If I had known that Covid would change my career so drastically, I would have considered asking for a post-nuptial agreement that committed to something like alimony or a lump sum settlement. I don’t really think I need that in my partnership, but you never know. We have lost 6 figures from my income in the past 2 years. The hit to my career has been a lot and I’m starting to see that it would take me awhile to build back up to where I was and where I was headed. Since it happened gradually and not as something we intentionally decided, we never really had that discussion. For seemingly two years, my child’s return to public school seemed imminent. It is only recently that we realized that everyone has left us to fend for ourselves, so we had to adapt. So you can’t plan for everything, but I would at least try to cover the more common contingencies, like death, disability and divorce.
HSAL says
Oh hi, Me From Last Year.
I quit when my oldest went to K and my twins were 3. I had spent the two prior years working part-time at a firm and my entire career before that had been in state government. My family and closest friends were floored – no one would have ever guessed I would ever be a SAHM. Even I was surprised. The general rule seems to be “quit because you want to stay home with your kids, not because you don’t want to work.” But I totally admit that for me it was at least 75% wanting to quit my job, and I was too entitled to go back to work full time, and didn’t figure I’d find a part-time job making the same money.
All that to say I love being home. My twins were in preschool three mornings a week, which for me was key – I didn’t want them home all the time. But I surprised myself with all the activities I wanted to do with them. Zoo, museums, playgrounds, etc.
I went inactive with my law license because I didn’t want to deal with CLE. I doubt I’ll go back to being a full attorney. I didn’t work at all this year, am planning to sub for preschool next year, and will sub for elementary once my twins start K. Beyond that if I can find a super flexible job, great, if not that’s fine too. I started a dance class last fall because I wanted to do something that was just for me, but honestly I didn’t need it. I do recommend making sure you have time carved out for you from the start, and you can see if you need it or not.
I was nervous about having everyone home for summer but it’s honestly been fine. They’ve all done some camp stuff but normally we just hang out, go to the pool, and have summer fun.
One thing I don’t like is that my kids have started to comment about how my husband works but I don’t. I don’t have a great response, I just tell them I worked in an office for a long time and for now they’re my job.
Post a burner if you want to chat more!
Anonymous says
SAHM here – I just say “daddy’s job is to make money, my job is to take care of you guys and the house”. They do know lots of other mothers work for money
anon says
Man, I wish I lived in an area where more moms work. Honestly, part of the reason I’m still working is that my stepkids’ mom is a SAHM and all the moms in our neighborhood and at their schools are SAHMs, and it is very clear to me from their comments that they assume that women quit their jobs after having kids. I mostly work because I want to, but it truly is also in part because I want them to have at least one example of a different choice in their lives.
OP – no advice here other than to give yourself grace to reconsider the decision if you find it’s not right for you, and also that you don’t have to “do” SAHM in any particular way. You can become queen of the PTA, but you can also…not. You can homeschool but you can also…not. Don’t feel like you have to “earn” your SAHM status via super-intensive parenting.
Anonymous says
Hi yes me! Former career lady followed the main site since grad school then jumped over here. I left my job 4 years ago (crazy to think about!!). I followed my moms advice (she stayed at home 7yrs before returning to work) and got out of the house every morning by 9 or 9:30am. We still keep a rough schedule of morning activity/lunch/rest/play outside at home. Playgrounds, library, etc…I got linked up with a local moms group exclusively for SAHPs that had weekly play dates by age and other meetups. Google “mom group” + your area, also look on Facebook. It was wonderful to be with people going through the same stage as me and 4 years later I’m still friends with these women. If you are Christian with young children I recommend MOPs. I am still aggressively friendly with other mothers because being lonely as a SAHP sounds miserable to me. Don’t be afraid to ask for peoples numbers! I have so many more friends now than as a working mother and a much bigger community I can depend on. These women help me out like delivering meals with a new baby or emergency childcare.
Some moments or days will be really stressful or hard or long, especially if you have a baby plus toddler, but work can be too. I definitely had to adjust to the new schedule and there was a lot of “soooo what do we do now?” In the afternoons at first. Resist the temptation to sign your kids up for every paid activity/little gym/music class. You’ll eventually fall into the rhythm of this slower pace of life.
I did find I had to buy some more toys/craft supplies since my kid was formerly playing mostly at daycare and only home nights/weekends.
Im not an expert at self-care but I do think taking a walk at night or getting your nails done on the weekend can help a lot with the “I’m with the kids all the time!” Feeling.
My biggest tip is to get outside for long periods of time. Your to-do list will melt away and most kids are happier outside and usually eliminates sibling rivalry. We hike (3yo and 5yo) at least twice a week.
Otherwise – have fun! It’s the best decision I ever made and I like my kids so much that we’ll be homeschooling.
Anonymous says
I pretty much echo what HSAL said. My contract ended in March of 2021 and we took placement of infant twins, so I’ve been BUSY, but I’m pretty surprised how much I enjoy not working. It’s not that I have more free time (I have less) but my time is my own. I’m more likely to say yes to some big messy project or my oldest skipping school. I no longer feel guilty for not answering emails in the evening. I will probably go back to work soon – my twins will start full time preschool this fall – but I’m going to be very picky about what kind of job I take. I hope you love it!
anonM says
I’ve scaled back, but if that hadn’t been an option I was really considering this. So, good for you on knowing yourself and your family and doing what makes the most sense to you. I will say, having seen my family members dealing with this, I’d really look at what you have in place in the event of death/divorce (assuming you’re married/partnered), etc. And what you and your spouse really expect from each other — like do you still expect your partner to help with kiddo bedtimes? Are you considering homeschooling? Do you have a pre/post nup or do you need one? Does your state limit/prohibit alimony (in at least one state I know of, it is limited to 3 years)? What about partner’s career – if it is the type of career where moving up means moving geographically, you might want to have that discussion now so that no one is surprised based on what they assumed would happen. This is all stuff that is so individual, so I’m truly not trying to cast any judgment on, just bringing up some things that I’ve seen play out poorly.
Anon says
+1. Based on what I’ve seen, the key seems to be a really clear conversation with your spouse. The happiest marriages seem to have been clear that staying at home was in place of daycare/after school care, but it was still a shared load for nights and weekends. And equal “not on kid duty” time for both, as in they both have time to workout, to volunteer, to be with friends, to have nights off from kid bedtime.
I think men in particular seem to assume that a partner staying home means they get a free pass to go all in on their work/personal needs, because the partner is fully on house and kid duty. They assume it means they can stay at work until 7 and then go out for drinks afterward, meet the guys for golf on the weekend, and they’ll still come home to a sparkling house and a cheerful wife and well-behaved kids. You’ll want to be very clear on your expectations on both sides, and make sure you’re aligned. I’ve heard a lot of the venting and resentments and frustrations (from both sides) when you’re not.
Kids Goggles? says
I’ve bought cheap, name brand, and in-between googles and I can’t find any that really work for my kids (ages 7 and 4.5.) Every pair lets water in. What are your favorite brands of kids googles?
Anon says
My 4 year old likes these. https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B094X6D178
She’s not really putting her head under yet though, just splashing around, so it’s possible they’re not airtight when submerged.
Anonymous says
Same. We have 2 we like. Eversport, which is totally an inexpensive Amazon brand (I think we got 2 pair for $15). And a new pair of TYR. The TYR were recommended by a relative and his wife who were both competitive swimmers. So far they’re holding up, but they are only about 4 weeks old.
Anonymous says
My kid loves his Eversport goggles: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B07NWDW12V?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title
Anon says
Speedo glide (we’ve used both kids and junior goggles). I think generally the key is that the straps need to be tight, and in my experience they tend to loosen pretty easily, so we make sure to check the fit every few wears.
Spirograph says
We get the speedo 3-packs from costco. I’m not sure they’d hold up to swim team, but they’re totally adequate for general playing in the pool, diving for rings, etc.
Anon says
pet peeve: when they sell packs of 2, i wish they would offer them in the same colors! i have twins and don’t like listening to the fighting, nor do i always like purchasing 2 packs
Beach House Meals says
Extended family get together at the beach house this summer. My spouse and I are responsible for two of the dinners for about ten people. Any winners that come to mind for this situation?
Anon says
It’s expensive, but cooking lobsters for a group is pretty easy – all the work is in the eating not the cooking.
Pasta is easy if your group isn’t too health conscious.
“Build your own” is good for a group – could do pizza, tacos, sandwiches etc.
anon says
We do family beach vacations a lot. Easy ones are chili, tacos, or spaghetti. Kid friendly and easy to make for a big crowd. If you want to get fancy I like a huge filet of fish with garlic butter and a nice salad. Crab boils are fun but super messy to clean up ime.
Anon says
A few that worked for us last summer, with very picky eaters:
– Taco bar (build your own tacos, lots of different toppings, at least two proteins (we did shredded chicken and ground beef, but if you have vegetarians, I would have roasted sweet potatoes too, we have also had shrimp in the past as an option).
– Build your own “pizza” with store-bought prebaked flatbread crusts, jarred sauce (De Lallo) and, you guessed it, multiple topping options. We also cooked a few zucchini and tomato and BBQ pineapple ones using hello fresh recipes, and we were able to turn them out pretty quickly between the oven and the grill.
– burgers and hot dogs on the grill are usually a standby, with a pot of corn boiling and a salad.
– BBQ pulled pork (made in the crockpot) or I like to do pulled pot roast sandwiches (how sweet eats) also in the crockpot
– Frozen lasagna, garlic bread and salad (either stouffers or make it in advance, freeze it and bring in your cooler)
– My mom usually does a thanksgiving style meal of a small turkey or turkey breast, mashed potatoes, gravy, salad, canned cranberry sauce, but she also likes to hang out at the house by the pool rather than go to the beach so she is there to keep an eye on it while it cooks, so YMMV.
Anon says
Walking tacos. Easy to adapt to almost any diet or level of pickiness. Regular Fritos are gluten free! Get a bunch of individual bags of Fritos chips (enough for every person times at least 2). Can also do Doritos. Make a giant batch of ground beef with taco seasoning. Have various toppings like beans and rice, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, sour cream, salsa, avocados, cilantro, onions. You take a bag, crunch up the chips, and add whatever toppings you want. Eat it with a plastic fork. Minimal prep, minimal cleanup, minimal whining.
Pulled Pork Sliders. Make a batch of pulled pork in a slow cooker while you’re out for the day. Serve with Hawaiian rolls and a big vat of made-ahead or pre-bought potato salad or baked beans, plus chips and fruit.
Anon says
At least in CA Costco has some huge delicious marinated tri-tips that you could grill.
NYCer says
I think a taco bar is always a hit for things like this.
Anonymous says
https://www.familyfreshmeals.com/2014/06/best-crockpot-bbq-chicken.html
I’d probaby do 1.5 of the recipe for ten people. Maybe double if you want leftovers or have lots of adult eaters. My family of three (two adults one small child) usually gets 2 meals out of one recipe plus leftovers for lunches. Serve with buns. Would be good with a lettuce salad, cut fruit, grocery store potato salad, grocery store cole slaw, and/or chips.
Anon says
Turkey chili is easy and popular-can do sides of cornbread and sliced watermelon, and have toppings to add like cheese and avocado. The Smitten Kitchen skillet chili recipe is easy and not too spicy.
I also really like a big piece of salmon for a group (and most kids I know like salmon). Can bake in the oven with a mustard/brown sugar topping or even more delicious smoked on the grill. Brown rice and a green veggie are a good side. If you’re not a confident rice cook, I love the frozen microwaveable rice available at Trader Joe’s or most grocery stores now.
Anonymous says
The Cookie and Kate brown rice cooking directions are foolproof and easy.
Anonymous says
Back from a long weekend extended family vacation (husband’s family). It was really fun, but I was a little bummed that out of a group of 8 adults and one toddler, I was still responsible for watching my kid about 80% of the time (my husband did about 20% and no one else lifted a finger). Oh well, as they say, vacations with small children are just parenting in someone else’s house.
Anon says
This has been my experience with traveling with extended family as well. My parents are super hands-on with childcare when they visit me but we took a trip together when my DD was almost a year and it was really unfun for me because I did essentially 100% of the childcare. They acted like they were doing me a huge favor by watching her for 15 minutes a day so I could shower, which is so different than they behave at home and so different than how they indicated the trip would go. It gets a LOT easier when your kid is 3-4 and doesn’t need so much hands on supervision. And grandparents are generally more interested in spending time with older kids too, because it’s more fun and less of a chore.
Anonymous says
You need to have a chat with your husband, but as far as the extended family is concerned, this has also been my experience. I feel like they all have the attitude of “this is my vacation, too!” which I get but also COME ON. Help a little! It’s 2x as hard to be somewhere else with a toddler than it is to be home with them (out of routine, noise/chaos, lack of childproofing, etc).
Anon says
My husband wasn’t on this trip. I agree OP should talk to her husband about the 80/20 division.
Anonymous says
Sorry that comment was for the OP.
Anonymous says
It also gets better when/if kiddos have cousins to play with. Then they entertain each other.
Anonymous says
This reeks of entitlement.
Notes from the other side: I have a younger SIL and BIL who just don’t watch their toddler and preschooler whenever we are in a family group situation, even at the pool, assuming that this is their break time and the other adults are on duty. I really resent having to be on constant alert to run after their kids and keep them from jumping in the pool or running into traffic because they haven’t made a specific handoff. So please don’t be my SIL. They are your kids and ultimately your responsibility. I am happy to watch your kid for a while if you ask me to, but on vacation I also need a break. I have kids and am tired too.
Anon says
But none of the other adults had kids and her husband didn’t do 50% either. Obviously nobody is obligated to help out with kids other than their own and I didn’t hear the OP say that but it does suck to get invited on a family vacation and then not to get to participate with the adults because even your husband isn’t helping, to say nothing of the other adults who could see that you haven’t gotten any kind of break.
Anon says
+1 I also feel like grandparents often misrepresent how much of a help they’ll be on vacation (I’m the Anon above who had a terrible vacation with my parents and then-baby). I don’t think they owe me childcare on their vacation, but then they shouldn’t have suggested taking a trip together with the promise that they’d help out a lot. I also think grandparents are pretty different than aunts/uncles. At least in my family the grandparents are a lot more directly involved in childcare.
Anonymous says
It’s no big deal, and I didn’t say anything about it or ask anyone for help. It just would have been nice if someone had said “Oh, Timmy’s playing with his cars? I’ll hang out with him for a bit if you want to go take a shower/grab a sandwich/etc.”
Anonymous says
I am the one with the SIL and BIL who dump their kids on everyone else, and I think you should ask! Just don’t assume that other people are going to step up and take your kids off your hands for the whole time, get your husband to take his turn, and don’t expect that you will be off duty the whole vacation. Honestly, I think you are doing pretty well if other people are watching your kids 20% of the time, but do ask if you want help.
Anonymous says
Oh, sorry, missed the fact that your husband only watched the kids 20% of the time! He definitely needs to do more, and then ask others for some help.
Pogo says
This has been my experience as well. Once I re-adjusted my mentality that the grandparents were not actually going to “help” then it made things less frustrating at least.
As for your husband: Negotiate time for each of you to do things, and then book it so you can’t back out. I will schedule a spa day on vacation, for example, and he’s on duty that day. I also always bring our jogging stroller and will literally just say, “[Kiddo] and I are going on a run. See you later.” Usually I do this first thing because my in-laws don’t wake up til 8 and then have a 3 course breakfast, meanwhile my kids have been up for hours. DH will either watch the kid I’ve left behind, or he’ll get motivated to join me as well with the older one riding his bike. Truly, the jogging stroller has saved my sanity on so many vacations, I don’t care that it’s a beast to pack/carry on a plane/etc. That thing comes with me everywhere.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This was me visiting my in-laws a few years ago with my then just one toddler. FIL spent most of the time chatting with my husband and the other adults around, while I chased the toddler in largely un-childproofed homes. I think this year will be slightly better as my kids will be older and at least can bring iPads to these family events. But we wouldn’t do a family vacation with them. Whereas my parents actually do help out and take on watching the kids while we vacation together, so we’re happy to do a trip with them every year or so.
Anon says
This is why we take vacations with my family but not with DH’s family. My family (and it’s 10 adults to 1 kid) generally take over watching my kid (and pass hand-offs among themselves), but my inlaws don’t help at all with the kid and in fact are like adding two extra kids the way they bicker. So, childcare is not the only reason we see my inlaws rarely, but it’s definitely a factor.
Anon says
The comments are interesting. Your husband should have been involved, that’s not cool. It would be nice if someone lent a hand but I wouldn’t expect anyone else to help out – they’re on vacation, too. Maybe that’s just my family’s culture, though.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think it is cultural, and also a greater awareness once you become a parent, especially to small children, of just how much relentless work it is, even if you’re on “vacation.” So I can see a young relative not being at all aware that parents of young kids may need a break and a helping hand, but I would hope that grandparents would be somewhat more aware? And 8 adults entertaining one kiddo for a few hours doesn’t seem like that big of a burden to me, and helps to build a relationship with that child.
LadyNFS says
I agree with the other commenters, and I would feel the same level of frustration as you. I think a lot of this comes down to family dynamics and culture. In my family, I grew up traveling with my mother’s side of the family. Think 4 sets of adults and lots of kids (cousins). The kids all played together, but there was also an expectation (whether formalized or just ingrained in their family culture) that everyone got time “off.” I mostly remember my aunts, uncles and cousins from these trips, rather than my parents. Family gatherings were the same – the kids are “scooped up” and cared for so the parents can be adults and relax. With your family, yes, it’s your vacation too, but why go away with them if no one is going to pitch in? (And what uncle / aunt doesn’t want to take the kids for ice cream, swimming, play, or do some special outing to spend time and give parents a break?! Again, I’m sure a lot of this is cultural). Fast forward to today. The same family (my mom’s) often gets together and still travels together (or we did, pre pandemic). While I am the only cousin with little kids right now (ages 4 and 2), I hardly care for my children when we are all together. Someone will walk one in a stroller, someone will put baby down for a nap, another will throw a ball outside, solicit help in the kitchen, this past weekend some of my cousins even took my kids to a local playground during a family gathering . Contrast to DH’s family, where that’s not their culture or expectation. One time at a family gathering I mistakenly used the bathroom without an official “hand off” and upon my return found my new walker on un-childproofed stairs. Tons of other adults around, no one watching or cared. That’s on me because I had different expectations and now I know better. Anyway, suffice it to say, I know I am lucky, but in some families it really takes a village, and this attitude is a big part of why I do and will continue to do things with one family vs. another. It’s why we travel sometimes travel with my parents on vacations. I don’t expect nonstop childcare from them but I know that DH and I will have some dinners or free afternoons / mornings while they occupy my kids. And, as other cousins start having kids I fully expect I will give them a break (or my kids, as the “older cousins” will) so that everyone gets a break and I can snuggle and play with their littles. My unsolicited advice – travel without this family, find a resort with childcare or kids’ camp, and actually enjoy a vacation.
anon @ 11:47 says
The official handoff is important for safety, especially around water and stairs and other dangers. I hate that my SIL and BIL do not hand off, because in effect it means that I am watching the kids like a hawk 100% of the time even though there are a bunch of other adults around because apparently I am the only one who cares whether they drown or fall down the stairs. I chased down their toddler running towards the pool without a puddle jumper three times in the space of an hour last weekend. No one else even noticed, and each time she would have jumped in and sunk.
Around a pool, the standard safety protocol is that there is always supposed to be a designated adult who is not drinking and is not doing anything but watching the kids the entire time. You are supposed to rotate this responsibility. If you just wander off to the bathroom without putting someone else in charge, you are taking an awful risk. Everyone thinks someone else is watching the kids and that is how terrible accidents happen.
anonM says
LadyNFS, I really agree here. I feel very lucky to have family members that love children and try their best to help us out during trips, weekends, etc., and it makes a huge huge difference. A first it was hard to accept that help because the cultural messages I got a lot was “don’t dump your kids on others” so I didn’t know how to accept a loving offer to watch a toddler for an hour so I could actually rest. I want to do my best to pay this forward when my kids are bigger. I’ll just add to OP that for our family that is NOT like this, I’ve found they do enjoy and take pride in helping when we do ask for a clearly-defined event, like date night. They’re great at 2 hours if I ask, plan it in advance, and let them feed the kids easy stuff and treats. When I learned that I couldn’t expect them to just swoop in at the right time and offer to help, but that they never turned down short babysitting, it helped alot.
Anonymous says
This–it’s a husband problem, not an in-law problem.
Anonanonanon says
I think a common theme in these scenarios is that you express resistance to going because kid is little, parents/in-laws say something along the lines of “but we’ll all be there! more hands!” and then, as you put it, you’re just parenting in a different location which is also one without your usual infrastructure, and you’re using money/PTO to be there. It can build resentment. Been there, don’t blame you.
Anon says
Yes. this.
Help says
My first baby was born in July. Every since she started daycare in December , one of us is constantly sick (and extremely so). I’ve had Covid, two stomach bugs , three awful colds, and am now on day 8 of some sort of awful virus while she has HFM disease. I haven’t been able to work and have absolutely no voice. Has anyone been through something like this ? I know kids get sick a lot starting daycare but I’ve never heard of a parent getting this sick this often and I’m so depressed over it. Before being pregnant I was pretty healthy , usually one or two illness a year. My doctor is addressing each thing individually but not coming up with a reason on why i keep getting so sick
Anon says
Yes, it’s pretty normal. It’s usually more seasonal, but Covid has disrupted the normal seasonality patterns. My daughter started daycare in June 2019 and was sick basically non-stop from September of that year until March 2020. Croup, RSV, flu (despite vax) and multiple colds that turned into horrible ear infections for her. I caught pretty much all the viruses, although I didn’t develop the secondary ear infections. The good news is that after the first winter it’s normally so much better. My daughter is 4 now and may have to go to the doctor this week for a non-Covid cough that just won’t go away, but that would be her first visit since March 2020. She gets maybe 4-6 mild colds per year now and I only catch about a third of them.
Anonymous says
+1. My kid started daycare in December 2020 and only had a mild cold or two until things started opening up here in May 2021. Her ped didn’t believe me when I said I thought she had RSV last June because it’s not something that used to circulate as much that time of year. It was pretty much nonstop sickness in our house until May of this year. Flu hit the whole family hard in March/April.
NLD in NYC says
No advice, but I feel your pain. I also felt like I hardly got since before DS and now it’s harder to shake illnesses. Maybe is the lack of sleep affecting our immune system.
Anon says
You’re just exposed to way more bugs when you have a kid in daycare. My doctor told me that getting sick after exposure to a virus isn’t evidence of a weak immune system. That’s normal. If a cold takes you forever to shake or always develops into a secondary infection like bronchitis or a sinus infection, that’s a sign that your immune system isn’t working as well as it could.
Anon says
Hi– I have been going through the same thing and posted here about it a few weeks ago. From talking to different mom friends and working parents in my office, the general consensus seems to be that the daycare illnesses are way worse now than they normally are due to Covid/getting rid of masks/etc. DS was sick for most of January with various colds that turned into a severe double ear infection. Croup in March. A long cold in April that turned into pink eye for DS and bronchitis for me for most of May. Covid and covid quarantines.
The advice on this board to me was also that the odds of me continuing to be as sick as I was for longer seemed slim. I’m happy to report that after being sick for the majority of May, we haven’t had any illnesses other than a runny nose in a month. I’m sorry you’ve been through all of this– I know I was ready to quit my job a few weeks ago I was so upset about it, and I think your feelings are normal and valid. I hope you start feeling better soon and have a few illness-free weeks to recharge.
Anon says
Non-stop sickness for the first year was totally normal pre-Covid.
Anonymous says
I think the fact that these illnesses aren’t following their old seasonal patterns is what’s making people feel like things are worse now.
Anne-on says
This. Pre-kids I never had pink eye/ear infections/bad colds/etc. My first 2 years with a kid I had all of the above and my personal favorite – pink eye so bad that I had mucus coming out of my tear duct (yuck). Kids are walking germ factories. It all evens out after the first year or so but I remember nearly quitting so many times during that period before my (also a mom) supervisor reassured me this was normal, would get better, and she wasn’t dinging me for taking sick time.
Anonymous says
This is what happened to me. I was sicker than my daughter for the first two years of day care.
Spirograph says
It does sound pretty normal, but since you don’t feel like it’s normal *for you* I would make an appt with your doctor for a full physical with bloodwork, especially if you haven’t had one since you gave birth. Very specifically say that you have been getting sick way more often than usual for you in the last 6 months, and you just want to rule out any underlying factors that could be impacting your immune system.
Anon says
This… even something as simple as a vitamin D deficiency can make a difference to immunity (but you’d really need to be tested since a hundred other things can too).
Anon says
If something feels disturbingly off, I would encourage OP to look into chronic illness communities, especially post-viral ones like Long Covid and ME/CFS to see if anything resonates. Twitter is probably the easiest place to browse what people are saying, although I think ME has several online foundations and advocacy groups with info that might be helpful.
Anonymous says
Yeah I’m afraid this is pretty normal. You get exposed to different germs than your normally would through kids. My husband’s first year teaching high school was also our son’s first year in daycare and it was not fun. But since then he very rarely gets sick. Hang in there, it gets better. The first year is just really hard.
For you, you are probably run down due to back to back illness and parental exhaustion (e.g. sleep deprivation). I don’t think there is a magic solution, but it won’t always be this bad. You’re not doing anything wrong. I had not vomited at all since I was 12 until my son was in daycare – it broke a 24 year streak!
Anonymous says
PS – you probably have HFM too.
Anon. says
Yep, this was my thought when I read the post. HFM manifested in both my husband and I as a miserable flu-like virus complete with fever and feeling very rundown.
Help says
Ugh I know I suspect that too. It’s been horrific. Thanks for the commiseration. I truly don’t know if I can make it another year I am feeling the same way like I need to just quit. But I am the breadwinner too so that’s not really an option. I also am dealing with pink eye too – funny some of you mentioned that. In the very rare days I feel healthy I have soo much to catch up on. It just feels impossible. I knew there would be challenges obviously I just didn’t anticipate me being so sick being one of them
Anon says
i have 4 year old twins. they just did their first year of preschool (with masks!!!) and i have had quite a few pretty bad illnesses, and I am sick again now (hooray). it sucks. and it’s like i’m constantly in survival mode and can never get ahead
Pogo says
Echo all of the above, and also – it *is* possible your body has changed postpartum. I never got sinus infections before kids, and now I seem to get them every time I get a cold. Another mom friend had the same experience – obviously total anecdata, but she ended up with a sinus infection so bad she had to go on prescription painkillers, steroids, and two rounds of antibiotics – first time dealing with this in her late 30s, no history of issues. Advocate for yourself with your doctor if you think more aggressive treatment is needed for any of the illnesses.
Much of these started as garden variety daycare colds, but just because they started as that does not mean you are not legitimately sicker!
Mary Moo Cow says
Ugh. I’m sorry. This was my husband with our first child. He was low-key sick or had a distinct cold or bug for about her first 9 months of daycare. It did get better in her second year, and it did get better when he made an effort to exercise, get good sleep, take a vitamin D supplement, etc.: all the things that you are too exhausted to do when you are sick but know you should do. I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel for you soon!
Anonymous says
Is this possibly regional with the post covid increase in illnesses? We’ve had a few things here and there for sure (been in daycare for a year) but nothing like this. About to switch daycares and I’m nervous it could become worse although I spoke to a fellow parent there specifically about this and it hasn’t been their experience either.
Anon says
I think it varies based on the kid. Some kids just don’t catch as much. But it doesn’t mean the kids who do have damaged immune systems or anything like that, there’s just a lot of variability. Also anecdotally if you were a daycare kid yourself you’ll fare better yourself with kids in daycare. I never went to daycare so I think I had never caught a lot of the standard little kid illnesses and had to go through them all the first year my kid was in daycare.
Anonymous says
My first was born in February (2017), attended day care from six weeks old and, excepting ear infections before tubes, very rarely got sick. My twins were born February 2021 and everyone in my family has been sick, either together or separately, since September of that year. This week it’s fevers from teething molars. My oldest, DH and I have pretty good immune systems. I’m sorry but I think this is just the way it is now. Definitely ask your doctor if you feel like something is off with you.
N.J. says
Unfortunately it’s normal. My kid will be 4 in August and our whole family gets sick every 6 weeks or like clockwork, first the toddler, then me, then my husband. It’s been this way since she was a baby. Only thing I can suggest is try to get rest when you can and make sure to check vitamin D levels-mine were super low and that can contribute to a crappy immune system.
Anonymous says
Pregnant with baby #3 but really want to treat myself to some creature comforts in terms of maternity/postpartum wear (best nursing bras, most comfortable maternity undies, etc). Are there any must haves you’d recommend for this mama who’s ready to really GO FOR IT when it comes to treating herself to be comfortable?
Anon says
I really liked everything I got from Kindred Bravely and will probably order anything maternity/postpartum from them first for a subsequent pregnancy.
Anon says
Yes! Don’t bother with Am@zon or target dupes like I did. Kindred Bravely has sales so if you are not pressed for time I’d wait until the next sale. But I’d pay full price again too.
My fave is their under bump underwear, the sports bra (which I used for nursing and pumping with my Willow), and the Cotton organic nursing bra (no clasp!). I didn’t like their hands free pumping bra as much because I think I ordered too small of a size and it always felt too tight on my breasts.
Anonymous says
Pregnant with #2 and I’ve found that it’s oddly hard to find some of my previous favs (like I was fine before with one favorite pair of shorts but now with kid laundry I really need more of my own stuff to lessen the laundry frequency and no one sells ones like it anymore). Ill be interested to see the responses here. I’m considering madewell jeans, they’re expensive but seem great. I also had some excellent finds doing stitch fix last time, to my surprise. That’s less under garment wear obviously. The real treat for me postpartum was having like 10 bras from kindred bravely so I always had ones to switch into (half the night style, half regular style).
OP says
Which kindred bravely bras? I was about to pull the trigger on the nighttime bras, any others to add? Thanks!!
Anonymous says
I just did the main nursing ones and the sleep ones but didn’t get them until postpartum and I’ll admit they were tight at first but after a bit they were just right (and actually too big at the end of nursing). Do you have any go to maternity recs? I’m basically living in target/old navy wardrobe which is… fine
AwayEmily says
Target “mid-rise drapey maternity joggers” are the BEST both for pregnancy and post-partum (and beyond, tbh). They’re comfy enough for lounging but you could also get away with wearing them to the grocery store. My third-baby-treat-to-myself was to buy 4 pairs so that I always had comfortable pants to wear when I got home from work.
OP says
Ooh thank you, I’ll check them out!
Weaning says
My daughter is 7 months old and I have been breastfeeding (pumping at work) and supplementing with formula. The past couple of weeks I have been feeling down and not clear. Thinking this has something to do with less demand for breastmilk and I’m thinking about weaning. Any thoughts or advice? I have a call into my obgyn.
Anonymous says
Is your period coming back? Maybe it has to do with that if you think it is hormonal.
Pogo says
yeah, if you are dramatically decreasing nursing your hormones go kinda whack. You might be in the middle of a long, weird cycle.
Scilady says
Several thoughts here (as past breasfeeding mom of 2). There are several things that might make you feel down and not have the clearest thinking. I honestly didn’t feel as clear of thinking as pre-baby until 18 months after my children’s births. I think hormone swings can cause a lot of mental fog, besides the new parent mental fog. Is there a chance that you could be getting your period? Are you getting more or less sleep? Once I started getting more sleep, because baby was sleeping through the night better, I actually felt worse for awhile before my body adjusted to the new normal (and then baby changes again, it’s a viscous cycle). Also have your eating or activity levels changed? I am also prone to Vitamin D deficiency (and am convinced the northern hemisphere generally is) so I take that supplement daily. Also, if you started baby on solids, they may be consuming a little less breastmilk from you which could change hormone levels as well. Hang in there! And definitely discuss iron/ thyroid levels/ vitamin D with your doctor as well.
Mary Moo Cow says
I also felt some mild depression or moodiness when my babies moved more reliably into solid foods and didn’t want to nurse as much. I remember that happening from about months 7-11 with each one, and when my second baby just stopped nursing at 11 months, I was pretty sad for a week or so. I think there is a hormonal component to feeding, and if the experience doesn’t line up with expectations (like, I planned to nurse for another month but baby was done), it can led to feeling down and foggy. I just gave myself room and time to live with my feelings and sometimes, that meant leaving baby with DH so I could be by myself.
Anonymous says
Just need to rant into the void briefly to get something off my chest. We have a week between school and camp and need childcare. I arranged for my mom to take the kids for a few days and told my husband he should talk to his parents about taking the kids for an overnight at the end of the week. So my mom would have them for 2-3 days and my in-laws would have them for 1-2 after. Everyone lives within driving distance but not exactly next door to each other. Of course, he didn’t talk to them and now they feel left out. But also they decided to leave to go to their weekend house early and are now “unavailable” when in reality they are retired and could easily come back to spend two days with their grandkids and then go back, too. This is a 2.5 hr trip they make almost every week in the summer so it’s not difficult and requires no planning on their end as they are fully retired. Instead, they are making my husband feel bad and saying we should all come to them for the holiday weekend, and never mind that we have a full day of work on Friday and weekend plans to cancel to drive both ways in peak holiday traffic. I think we are just skipping the guilt and not going but I needed to get that off my chest. I am refusing to feel bad as none of this is my problem and it’s fine, we all get along and they will get over it and blah blah blah… but ugh!
Anonymous says
Sorry, this sounds really frustrating… but since your husband didn’t talk to them ahead of time, I don’t think you can hold it against them that they’re not changing their plans about when they go to their weekend house. They probably want to get there earlier in the week to avoid that peak holiday traffic!
Anonymous says
Just hire a sitter or take the week off like everyone else has to.
OP says
Taking off work is impossible due to work reasons, but childcare isn’t an issue as my mom can have the kids. Vent was just that my husband didn’t do his part and now in-laws are sulking that they don’t get to spend time with their grandkids and my point is just that if you want to spend time with them, it ain’t too late! This really isn’t that dramatic. We have a family where everyone wants to be nice and help out, which I do appreciate! I just have an intense work week and don’t have the bandwidth to navigate the emotional aspect of this for everyone.
Anon says
Okay, but where’s the blame for your husband for not asking before his parents made other plans?
Anon says
You have nothing to feel guilty for at all! And I say that as someone who is insanely jealous of you for having semi-local grandparents who are willing to help with things like this.
startup lawyer says
This would drive me nuts too. My husband is generally on top of things but he, like the rest of this family, are just TERRIBLE with communication and then will be flustered because the planning doesn’t work out because there wasn’t enough advanced notice. 100% of the time.
Pogo says
omg, this sounds exactly like something my inlaws would do. They are fully retired but everything revolves around their schedule.
Anon says
So they should be entirely revolved around your schedule instead? I find this attitude that retired grandparents need to be available at the drop of a hat very entitled. They’re grown ash adults, they get to live their lives.
Spirograph says
I don’t get entitlement from Pogo or the OP, just some frustration (which is really understandable), but I agree with this. As a working parent, I would love it if my fully retired parents were a reliable childcare backstop. But as a daughter and (I hope) future retiree… retirement is about not being beholden to anyone’s schedule but your own! I’m glad my parents are living their best life. My mom is really helpful if she has enough advanced notice, but a week out, she’s likely to already have plans, and good for her.
At least in the OP’s case, this sounds like an honest communication fail on her husband’s part and everyone needs to just say “too bad it didn’t work out this time” and move on instead of getting hung up on hurt feelings about who should adjust their plans.
Anon says
Not pogo but it’s the mixed messages that annoy me. If you say you want to be backup childcare and then aren’t available when you’re needed, that’s frustrating. If you just want to drop in and play with the kids when it’s convenient for you, that’s fine but you should be upfront about it.
Anonymous says
+1. People here love to complain that grandparents don’t provide enough child care. People also love to complain that the grandparents give the kids juice or let them watch TV. The level of entitlement is ridiculous. I don’t expect my parents or in-laws to be available to provide child care whenever I want, on my terms. I gratefully accept the help they do offer and let them do things their way as long as they follow the basic safety rules (car seats, bike helmets, water safety, etc.).
Anon says
It’s not necessarily the same people complaining about the separate issues. I do agree that if you want grandparent childcare you need to be hands-off about anything that isn’t a critical safety issue, but I don’t think that’s the issue here.
Pogo says
Oh I don’t mean as backup childcare. They don’t offer for that, which is fine (not their job). I mean like, they demand we visit for Grandma’s birthday, but then the weekend that works for us and the other families with young children is when they want to be doing some golf tournament. I read into OP’s comment about them being hurt that they were “excluded” at the same time they didn’t make themselves available to be involved. You can’t have it both ways.
OP says
Along these lines.
I wasn’t complaining about the lack of childcare by my in-laws. I was just venting that they are giving my husband a guilt trip for not being asked to help out and not getting to spend time with their grandkids when they could, in fact, spend time with their grandkids. We are fine either way so it isn’t an issue of getting free childcare. Nor are they even doing anything specific like a golf tournament or anything else at all actually – there are no plans with friends or reservations out or tickets to see anything – they are literally at home no. 2 spending time together, which is fine and lovely, just pointing it out to say that there is nothing stopping them from being in home no. 1 if they wanted to be with the grandkids this week.
Also, fwiw, they do all sorts of things I am not wild about when with the grandkids that I never say anything about. The last time we had an extended stay together my kids ate popsicles for breakfast courtesy of grandma but I got to sleep in so I just smiled and said “how fun!” None of this is coming from a bad place! Everyone means well and everyone will move on. Sometimes I think we all bring way too much baggage to every little post. The whole point was just to just get it off my chest.
Anon says
This sounds like a husband problem, not an in laws problem. He didn’t ask in time. They made other plans, as is their prerogative. They don’t need to give that up just because your husband messed up.
Anon says
But then they shouldn’t be giving her husband a guilt trip about it! They’re entitled to spend their time how they want, but you can’t be both busy and mad about being excluded.
Anon says
Yeah this be annoyed at husband but the in laws guilt you need to let roll off you-life is too short. If they say anything explicit I’d respond that you’re also disappointed that they aren’t getting time with the kids and then switch topics.
Anonymous says
I am really surprised it seems like there are now a lot of SAHM posters. It makes me think differently about the advice and posts.
Anon says
I wouldn’t say a lot. I think there are one or two anons who comment and one regular poster who have become SAHMs in the last few years. I would guess 98%+ of people actively commenting here currently work outside the home. I’m also not sure why a SAHM couldn’t give advice about sleep or eating or potty training or travel or whatever else we regularly discuss, and I imagine the SAHMs are not weighing in on the threads about careers and work-life balance. Personally, I really appreciate their perspective. I definitely appreciate having a community that is very pro-working mom, but I don’t think having a few SAHM readers takes away from that and like having perspectives from the other side too. The vast majority of working moms I know, me included, have been tempted to stay home at some point so hearing firsthand about the experience is valuable.
Anon. says
+1
Spirograph says
+1
Also, I think people are pretty up-front about being SAHM if it’s relevant. Even among working moms, there are challenges specific to professions or career level or whatever if you’re talking work-life balance issues.
Pogo says
agree, people almost always say something to that effect.
Anon says
Yeah totally. I have a 9-5 fully remote job with extreme flexibility and a ton of vacation time and I don’t contribute to most of the work threads because I can’t begin to understand the demands of parenting in big law.
Anon says
this comment rubs me the wrong way. i am not a SAHM but appreciate their insight. also, this is where the ‘mommy wars’ come from. why do you have to be a working mom to offer suggestions on which goggles to buy or which sandals are best for kids
Anonymous says
Yup. It reads very SAHM-shamey to me. I’m not a SAHM but I don’t like this kind of division. We’re all moms, there’s lots of common ground.
Anon says
+1 Also, right now, there are literally 4 responses to the question about whether there are any SAHMs, and one of those says she is still working part time. I don’t see an inherent problem with SAHMs being on the board. My SAHM sister has great kid product recs, because her kids are older and she spends more time researching things than I do (I’m a law firm partner and so is DH)! Presumably, they will respond when they can be helpful and not respond when they don’t have the right perspective, just like everyone else on this board.
Anon says
I think this is fair but I doubt the intention was to be shamey. I get the emotional issues. I don’t know if I’d even want to be a SAHM because it has never in any way been an option for me. When I see those questions I do have a pang of “wow, even on this site for working women, the SAHM option is considered better.” Which, yeah, a me issue and I’m fine with the posts but I think it’s probably more about our baggage about working than shaming SAHMs.
Anon says
I mean, I’d quit tomorrow if I won the lottery. That was definitely the majority opinion on the thread a few weeks ago. But I’m not offended reading about SAHMs. I’m not a SAHM because I don’t want to be financially dependent on my husband. SAHMs are either independently wealthy and don’t have that issue (in which case, yeah I’m jealous but lots of people have things I don’t) or they’re in a situation I wouldn’t choose to be in. Neither is upsetting to me to read about.
Anon says
I’m not upset either per se but I just think it hits differently when it’s not a choice you made but rather circumstances that you sometimes feel guilty about.
Anonymous says
Eh, I think the perspective of SAHMs who started out as working moms is still useful, especially when the question is about becoming a SAHM.
Anon says
Agree.
Anonymous says
Are you unwilling to take advice from someone that no longer works? That woman could have worked for years before choosing to become a SAHM. Must we Do we provide a resume to justify our response?
anonM says
SAHMs also often re-enter the paid workforce, so what, do we bar SAHMs permanently or just while they SAH? How many hours of PT work qualifies? *rolls eyes*
Anon says
Advice on potty training needed! My son (was 3 in February) picked up on going #1 with amazing success. Like 0 accidents since we tossed diapers 3 weeks ago, and waking up from naps and nighttime dry pretty consistently. #2 is another issue however…did ok at first, then had a few accidents and now seems to be holding it (resulting in tummy troubles!) What have you all tried that helped? We’ve upped fiber intake a bit and have tried to sit on the potty after meals etc.
Anon says
I would recommend a laxative that makes it basically impossible for them to hold it. Many people use Miralax but that did nothing for us and we had to get a prescription for lactulose from the ped, which worked like a charm. After a nightmare pee training experience (holding issues), we had a breeze poop training with the laxative. We started having her sit on the potty every night after dinner, got success on the first day and had I think three accidents total while she figured out how to listen to her body’s signals and we tweaked the laxative dose. We tapered off the laxative once she was fully trained, although we continue the post-dinner poop time. It was a breeze. I can’t imagine doing it without laxatives though.
AIMS says
I wouldn’t give laxatives to a kid that doesn’t need them, personally (if he’s holding it and needing it, fine, but not just as a method of training). What worked for us is having everyone talk about it. Older sister always announces it and we tried to do the same (regardless of whether we did it or not). At first it took forever. We just read books a lot and eventually just moved a potty in front of the TV. If it’s any consolation, this is a normal thing to have problems with. I have a friend whose son would hide and poop behind the curtains in her living room! They finally just put a potty there and eventually he made it over to the bathroom.
Anon says
If he’s having tummy troubles from holding it, a laxative is medically necessary.
CCLA says
Big time bribery. My youngest was doing great for #1 and withholding #2, mini m&ms weren’t cutting it so I held up a giant lindt chocolate bar and told her she could have the whole thing if she went and didn’t fuss about it. That was over a year ago and she still remembers. She did it, and of course she didn’t eat the whole thing, got tired of it after half. We bribed maybe a couple more times and then said look now you learned and no you don’t get a treat every time anymore. To be fair, that was my more pliable child…the older one didn’t accept any bribes, but worth a shot to go big and try.
AIMS says
This made me laugh. I totally forgot but we did give candy for going (I think regular M&Ms – two for no. 2, 1 for sincere effort). Made big sister very invested in her brother’s success as she got to share in the bounty. “Are you sure you don’t have to go right now???”
Which dyson’s vacuum? says
Finally decided to splurge on a proper vacuum…which Dyson’s model do you recommend? No pets but I do have a baby. Looking for a model that is easy to use and doesn’t take up too much space. Thanks!
Anonymous says
Our Dyson is useless. Buy a trad’l vacuum and a trad’l dustbuster.
Anonymous says
+1. I do like the Dyson rechargeable stick vac for quick cleanups, but it does not do nearly as good a job as my ancient Oreck. I have not heard good things about the full-sized Dyson vacs. I would look at Miele and Oreck.
Anon says
+1 we have a Miele. It is great. We bought it at our local vacuum cleaner store, which also does repairs and cleanings. Reddit has a vacuum cleaner subreddit that is helpful if you have time to look there.
If you want a cordless vacuum, I have read good things on the subreddit about the LG one, which I’m considering buying in addition to the Miele.
Anonymous says
We have the v10 cordless. Do you have hardwoods plus area rugs or wall to wall carpet? If I had carpet I’d get the plug in one. But we love the new cordless ones and use it almost daily because it’s so light/easy.
Spirograph says
+1. We also have the v10 and keep it easily accessible to the kitchen/dining room for near-daily use (my kids are still not yet capable of eating without making a mess, especially if the meal involves rice, shredded cheese, or anything that crumbles). I know it takes only an extra 3 minutes to plug in a traditional vacuum and wind the cord after, but the stick vacuum feels so much easier. Hardwood+area rugs.
Mary Moo Cow says
I splurged on a Dyson and then bought a Ninja a year later. Dyson just didn’t cut it. The Ninja is lighter, easier to maneuver, and picks up as much or more stuff: even pet hair. If you really want to splurge, the former HGTV magazine editor recommends a Miele. (Also, man, am I leaning into 40’s suburbanite by pining for a vacuum.)
anon says
We inherited a dyson from my MIL who didn’t like it. That thing is way noisier and heavier than our shark. It does have marginally better suction, but I reach for our shark every time.
Anon says
I have a v6 motorhead that is 5 years old that I use on hardwoods and rugs downstairs, and I would absolutely recommend the cordless stick one if that is your layout. I have a 10 year old multi-floor dyson corded upright that I use for the carpeted upstairs. The upright obviously does a better job than the cordless, but frequent weaker vacuuming (particularly when kiddo was in a see it eat it crawling phase) far outweighs infrequent deeper vacuuming for the downstairs. For carpet, I prefer the upright because it takes less arm strength to push it through the pile, if that makes sense (the cordless stick isn’t really self-propelled as much). Other things I like about the dysons I have include the dustbin I can empty (vs. bags I would have to replace) and washable filters (vs. having to keep filters on hand). When the upstairs one eventually goes, I will likely replace it with a dyson ball. I’m already eying sales to upgrade my 5 year old stick this year or next.
Things to consider: what is your floor type like (carpet, hardwood, rugs)? How long will it take you to vacuum? My dyson can cover the whole first floor before the battery runs out. If it didn’t, I would “size up” to get one with a longer runtime or a second battery. Realistically what is your plug layout if you go corded? Do you have a preference on filter? For the dyson sticks, if you’re not doing carpet, I recommend buying back a few model years to save on cost assuming your other requirements are met (e.g., I bought the v6 on super sale when the v8s were just coming out).
Anonymous says
Wow I could have written most of this, but my upright is a cheap Orek. And I would suggest replacing your Dyson v6 battery if you haven’t already as that may get you a longer run time. The only thing I would add is that if you have mostly hard floors you may want the special Dyson head for them (ours is the fluffy or something). I found the regular brush head can’t pick up big debris like cheerios, which we have a lot of on our floors. Newer Dyson brush heads may not have this issue. I really love the Dyson and when the ancient v6 we have dies, I will absolutely buy a new one. It is ideal for a cluttered apartment with mostly hard floors.
anonM says
Tineco PURE ONE S11 TANGO Smart Stick/Handheld Vacuum Cleaner × 1 is amazinggggg so far! Just got it, but man is it so handy.
Anon says
They look so old fashioned but I loved my Riccar for an upright. I’m using a Miele canister now because we have different floors then when we had the Riccar, but I loved that vacuum so much. I think we had one of the lower end Riccar Supralites–it was only good for basic carpet vacuuming but it did that job like a dream. I still needed a handheld vacuum for cushions and crevices to supplement the Riccar, and the Bissell pet hair eraser is the best one in that category IMO, even if you don’t have pets.
Every time I have done the research on vacuums the conclusion is that Dyson is not worth it and most people are happier and/or get more value with something else.
Anonymous says
We have both a Dyson DC18 Slim corded upright and the cordless V8 stick vac— I love them both!! We use the stick vac on our hardwooded kitchen and living spaces almost daily but keep the upright for our carpeted rec room and the occasional suctioning of vacuum bags for sweater storage.
Incidentally, the DC18 is almost 15 years old (was one of my first big purchases when I got my own apartment…hah) and it’s still going strong. My parents have a newish ~5 YO Dyson Ball that I don’t think works as well as my older model.
For the stick vac, our V8 is a beast / workhorse and we have not had battery issues (yet…knock on wood). Don’t know if the newer models (V10, V11) with their bells and whistles (dust sensor) are worth the premium.
Anonymous says
Just a “first world, not a real problem, I am jealous/envious vent” – DH and I decided yesterday to see if any friends were in town this next weekend and wanted to come over for a very casual 4th of July BBQ. I texted some people to see who will be around. One of my friends (who was at the beach this past week on a family beach trip) texts back that they won’t be able to make it because they’re headed out of town on Friday leaving on a last minute, week long beach trip. This last minute trip will be the 7th trip that my friend has done this year. She has two kids – 5 and 2.5, and 5 of these trips have been week long family trips; the other two have been long weekend trips, mostly of them have involved a plane ride and two have been international. I also know, because she asked me for my opinion on the area they’re traveling to, that they’re headed on a week-long trip in August.
How do people have this much time to plan vacations, let alone take them? Friend is a SAHM and her husband works 100% remote, but I know (because we have discussed this before) that he doesn’t have like 8 weeks’ vacation or something crazy. I feel like DH and I struggle to plan and go on one date night a month, and we only have one kid who is super well behaved and local grandparents who love to babysit. It’s times like these where I would like to be able to have a part time job and have all of my life admin and planning items better under control. Again, this is not a real problem in the grand scheme of things. Just one of those times where I look at someone else’s life and wonder how they heck they have time to do the stuff they do and become somewhat envious. Rant over….
Pogo says
If he works 100% remote and she’s a SAHM… she’s just watching the kids in another location while he works, presumably?
We do take at least 3 weeklong vacations each year, but they are somewhat on ‘autopilot’ because 1 week is visiting inlaws in Florida, one week is on the Cape, and then 1 week is Maine. So in terms of planning it’s not starting from fresh like, “hmm, how does one plan a trip to Morocco”.
Spirograph says
Yeah, I would bet the husband is still working during at least some of these trips. I’m working on a family trip to visit in-laws this summer, even though it looks like vacation to my friends who just know I’m not home.
SAHM + kids not yet in school + 100% remote job sounds like the ideal situation for maximizing trips! We also have a few autopilot vacations that we do each year, and weekend trips are nbd to plan, especially if you are signed up for travel alerts about last-minute fares & deals (which I bet this family does, from what you described). If I get an alert that there’s a great deal on flight+hotel in Seville this weekend, all I need to do is a quick google of “what to do with preschoolers in Seville” and pick one or two things. I’m impressed the mom has the stamina for frequent plane travel with a 2.5 and 5 year old, but I bet it’s one of those things that gets easier with practice. #goals :D
Anonymous says
OP here, and yes, it’s definitely differing priorities, as planning even a “fantasy” trip is my friends hobby. I just am jealous of these organization skills my friend has to get this all together to actually have it happen. It took us a solid month of every other night discussions to plan a family trip earlier this year and I found that exhausting and stressful (I find travel planning very stressful, but not traveling itself) and that was just booking a hotel and a direct flight. There are just too many choices and DH and I both worry that we’re making the wrong choice.
Out of genuine curiosity if you get one of these last minute flight alerts…. How do you get all of the stuff done that you’d normally be doing in that time? Grocery shopping/ laundry/ house projects/going to Costco? This is what I don’t get… our only time to do these things is on the weekends, and that also when we do any sort of family activities with our kid.
Anonymous says
And to clarify, I’d want 100% of house projects, laundry, and have a truly spotless house etc. done before I leave on a trip and feel like I’m barely getting that together now. So, I can’t even fathom having my life so together that all these things are constantly done that I can take off for a week every month. It’s less the vacation itself and more just how is one so organized in their life that you have the ability to plan all of this vacation and also have all the other stuff in your life done to be able to take this? Working even my reduced schedule at a biglaw office and only having one kid and I still don’t feel like I have time to do this!
Anon says
Yeah, I travel a ton (I’m the Anon below with 7 trips this year) but I plan everything super far in advance. I do not understand how people – especially parents – can just pack up and go at the last minute. It sounds so stressful to me. Also honestly I think I get as much or more joy from the travel planning and research, so going last minute doesn’t make much sense because it would rob me of that joy, lol.
Anon says
I mean, at least for me the price is extra chaos the next week or two. You’re probably relying on slapped together meals and takeout and your laundry definitely isn’t folded. I don’t think it’s always worth it.
(I’m also someone who can’t stand working from a “vacation” location. I have way too much fomo to be happy sitting with my laptop while my family has fun exploring a new locale).
Pogo says
I have our cleaners come while we are gone so we come home to a clean house.
I put together a Whole Foods order to arrive when we get home so we have food for the next week.
We don’t have pets.
I have been known to pack dirty laundry if we are going somewhere with laundry in-unit. And on the return, I always wash everything before packing so we come home w/ as much clean already (this is mostly for the kids – like, favorite jammies or shorts or whatever that I know will be an issue).
The biggest issue was our veggie garden. Husband set up automatic watering, but the critters knew when we were gone and would feast, or stuff would rot on the vine. The yard in general looks like a hot mess when we get back even from a long weekend (bc to your point, we’re not doing much on weeknights in terms of weeding/mowing/etc). Anyway we gave up on the veggie garden so at least this summer we’re able to do a lot more trips (several long weekends in addition to our weeklong trips). In my dreams we have landscapers, but DH isn’t on board yet.
Anon says
Pogo, I wish it was as easy as outsourcing to landscapers. We paid $3k for professional landscaping of our front lawn last fall and they haven’t delivered on any of their promises to maintain it for a fee. Most of the flowers they planted never bloomed and they designed it poorly and runoff from the roof has completely washed away several large patches. We weed and mow and do our best to maintain it at a minimum level, but it honestly looks sooo awful and I’m sure no one would guess we paid thousands for professional landscaping just a few months ago. Landscaping seems to be one of those things where there are a few good ones but many bad ones out there, and all the good ones aren’t accepting new customers, at least not in our area.
Anon says
Ok, anon @ 2:25, one difference may be that my house is never spotless, 100% of house projects are never done, and laundry is never finished when we are at home so we just have different standards!
Anon says
Same.
Anon says
My house is also never spotless and my house projects are also never done, but it still seems really stressful to me to go out of town last minute. Also how does this work with kid activities, close friend’s birthday parties, milestones like recitals and performances? My kid is only 4 and not doing much compared to some kids, but already we need to be pretty choosy about vacation dates to avoid missing stuff my kid would be really disappointed about missing.
NYCer says
I would pick a family vacation over a friend’s birthday party 100% of the time. Especially with a preschooler, who may or may not be friends with said birthday boy/girl in 5 years (or even next year!). Same goes for most kid activities at ages 5 and 2.5. YMMV.
Sure, I would try to plan around recitals and performances, but aren’t those like 1-2x per year?
Anon says
I guess it depends on how many kids you have and ages. My one 4 year old isn’t in many activities and only has a few performances per year but if you have two or three elementary age kids with a few activities each it could be a lot. It also happens all this stuff is scheduled at really inconvenient times for us (mid-December and early May, right at the end of the university semester when we most like to travel because summer and Christmas prices are higher) but that’s probably an issue that’s more specific to us.
Anon. says
Yep. We travel reasonably frequently and put together a long weekend with about 2-weeks notice with two little kids. The laundry wasn’t done, the house wasn’t spotless and there are projects that got left midstream. That’s the sacrifice of quick vacation. As to the organization of planning a trip – I think that’s a maximizer versus saticficer issue for you. Did we pick the absolute perfect flight and hotel, probably not but we picked good enough options and then we move on to the next block of decisions and don’t look back.
Spirograph says
Yes, it definitely gets complicated once you have kid activities in the mix, which is a big reason we don’t do more spontaneous weekend trips. As for all the normal weekend running around, though, it just doesn’t get done. You order pizza or do what I like to call “pantry Chopped” until you have a chance to go grocery shopping, and slowly work through the great laundry mountain over the next couple days. I dislike coming home from vacation to a messy house, but not enough to pass up a vacation!
I think there are different vacation personality types — planner and spontaneous (and many people somewhere in the middle). I suspect the venn diagram of people who like spontaneous vacations and people who feel stressed out if they can’t get all their errands done at the time they originally planned has a small overlap. For people in a situation like OP’s friends, with one parent SAH and one 100% remote work, you can flex that errand time a lot more than a couple with two traditional work schedules.
Anonymous says
If there is a SAHM in the picture, she can get all the house chores and grocery shopping done during the week, so everything is ready for a spontaneous weekend getaway.
Boston Legal Eagle says
This much traveling and planning of travel and being away from routines would stress me out, honestly. But maybe for them, it’s much more of a priority than say, having a set routine, doing mostly the same local things on the weekends and more casual playdates, as it is for us. Maybe it’s because I just had a nightmare plane delay, but travel, especially flying, is not all that fun for me and I don’t prioritize planning lots of trips. Even driving somewhere means packing all the things and being away from the normal home things.
Mary Moo Cow says
I feel you. DH recently told me, politely but firmly, that I should stop complaining about how much vacation other people have because he’s tired of hearing about it. Charitably, I will think of that as him reminding me that comparison is the thief of joy. I work for state government, so you would think that I have no room to complain, but… my vacation time is spoken for with about a week in the spring (road trip to visit family) and summer (a full week at the beach) and the occasional three-day weekend to tackle a home project. I, too, look at other people taking three weeklong vacations a year and pine for a part-time or no job. (I also wonder how they fund these vacations! And DH reminds me that different families make different financial choices.)
Anonymous says
Soooo. You have two week long vacations a year? What are you whining about?
Anon says
I think it’s maybe less about the total time and more about how it’s spent? I know when I lived far away from family I was jealous of people who could actually take actual vacations because I had to use most of my vacation time visiting family.
Anon says
I’m your friend. I have 5 weeks vacation and a week off at the winter holidays. We use pretty much all of that for vacation, so ~5 weeklong trips and a few long weekends. I also work remotely so have flexibility to work from a different location although we don’t do that much. I make less than I could but the vacation time is worth a lot to me. We put all our disposable income towards travel. We drive 20 year old cars and basically never buy “stuff.” Our home is fine but very modest for our income level. I think a lot of it is just how you prioritize. Most of my friends travel less than we do but have bigger homes and much newer cars.
Anon says
And I will say that 2022 and 2023 have been/will be crazy in terms of travel for us. I’m doing 7 real trips (3 international), plus several long weekends this year. But that’s a combination of pent-up vacation time and money because we didn’t travel much the last two years, and also trying to get in as much travel as we can before our kid starts K in 2023 because the school schedule will limit us considerably. I think a lot of people are traveling a lot more than normal this year after not traveling much in 2020 and 2021, so I definitely wouldn’t assume this is her normal pace.
Anon says
Obviously he’s working while they’re on these trips.
Anonymous says
Just a thought – there may be some underlying family issue resulting in needing to get away – needy local relatives, cheating, etc. I’m not trying to stir the pot but only saying this because I’ve experienced the need myself based on one of these reasons.
Anon says
Just focusing on the pet about yourself – I also struggle with making date plans and it feels too tiring sometimes. But what works really well is if I take a few hours one night when I’m in a good mood to do some research (like making a list of five restaurants with nice patios or two beaches that I want to go to) and then blocking times on my calendar and confirming my parents or a babysitter. It doesn’t actually take that long and maybe a conflict will come up, but can be a good way to make things happen and give you something to look forward to.
With vacation, I’m trying to do more weekend trips within a 2-hour drive. If I hear someone went somewhere fun, I’ll ask for details and basically just copy it – maybe there is a cuter or cheaper cabin in the nearby mountains but reality is I’m never going to do that research and figure it out so if my friend went to one that’s good enough, just book it and go.
Anonymous says
The trip may not be as well planned as your vacation. I have friends that go on well planned trips. I have learned that although I love traveling, I do not care for the planning process. For an upcoming trip overseas, we are prioritizing deciding upon a few key sites and will then pick hotels. I will not have a detailed itinerary. We will certainly miss out on something but we will also be able to have time to relax and add things to our itinerary as we receive recommendations while in the country. I used to spend months planning a vacation and it was never worth the time and effort to me. YMMV
Anon says
I actually enjoy the planning process, but I still think with kids you should never overschedule yourself and should err on the side of having an empty itinerary vs. an overpaced one. Since having a kid we do more beach vacations where there’s no planning except choosing the destination and the hotel. Even for cities in Europe where you may need advance ticketing for museums, etc., we never plan more than one thing per day and only started doing that much recently with a preschooler. I would so much rather find myself with too much downtime in a European city with good food and pretty streets than be rushing tired, jetlagged kids from one pre-scheduled activity to the next. I think this attitude is a large part of why I find family travel more enjoyable than many people seem to.
Double Career Counseling? says
Has anyone done couples career counseling (or more like 5- or 10- year planning) with a career counselor or maybe someone like a life coach? I feel like DH and I could really use some time set aside to focus on our goals as a family and look up from the rut that both of us seem stuck in. We’re most likely to follow through if we have appointments with a third party and some sort of objective framework to get us started. Planning our careers would be a big part of it, but really looking to go beyond that and getting on the same page together for what we both want our lives to look like in 5 years, 10 years, etc. We’re in a moment that precedes some big career shifts/decisions for both of us and I would like to get on the same page.
Does a thing like this exist? Please let me know if you’ve done something like this. And please drop a link if you know someone who does this over Zoom that you would recommend. I’ve considered couples counseling but I don’t quite think that is what I’m looking for.