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Sales of note for 12.5.23…
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Nordstrom – Holiday sale up to 50% off; 5x the points on beauty for a limited time
- Ann Taylor – 40% off your purchase & extra 15% off sweaters
- Banana Republic – Up to 40% off select styles; up to 40% off sale styles
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- J.Crew – 40% off your purchase with code
- Lands’ End – Up to 70% off everything; free shipping (readers love the cashmere)
- Loft – 50% off your purchase with code (ends 12/5)
- Summersalt – Up to 60% off select styles & free scarf with orders $125+ (this reader-favorite sweater blazer is down to $75)
- Talbots – 40% off your regular-price purchase; extra 50% off all markdowns
- Zappos – 34,000+ women’s sale items! Check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kid shoe brands on sale.
Kid/Family Sales
- Crate&kids – Free shipping sitewide; up to 50% off toy + gift event; free monogramming for a limited time only (order by 12/15)
- J.Crew Crewcuts – 40% off your purchase with code
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- Walmart – Up to 25% off top baby gifts; big savings on Delta, Graco, VTech, Fisher-Price & more
Anonymous says
Strong butt plug vibes
AIMS says
I’ve been seeing s*x toys in so many unexpected places lately (Nordstrom/saks, etc.) that my first thought was “huh, here too?!”
Anonymous says
This a super annoying phenomenon. Why do these things come up in searches for completely unrelated stuff? Anyone who wants to find them can find them. I do not need to see them when I am searching for clothing or, true story, yogurt.
Anon says
Honestly, people at these companies are pushing their sexual fetishes on unwilling viewers and I hate it. It’s way too tolerated. Keep that sh*t within the confines of your own bedroom with willing partners and leave the rest of us out of it.
HSAL says
Target really threw me.
Anonymous says
That is an item I did not need to know existed.
AIMS says
Not sure if I am asking for advice or a book recommendation, but need help dealing with a personality trait in our kid that we can’t quite figure out how to handle. Maybe just need to figure out what to even call it? She gets very quickly put off if you try to help her get better at something that doesn’t happen for her immediately. So for instance, she can swim but she is not a strong enough swimmer to swim independently without adult supervision and she will shut down when we try to help. She asked us to sign her up for swim class because she loves swimming but when we put her in a swim class that was for her level she refused to participate because she “already knew everything they did”and said that it hurt her that we put her in that class and it’s been a year and she still talks about it. Same with reading – when we talk about working on her reading, she gets mad and says she already knows how to read. She seems to think that you don’t need to work on things once you “learn” them but then gets very frustrated when she isn’t able to do what she wants or when her friends start to pass her by because they are practicing and she’s not. I know this is something we need to work on but she often shuts down when we try. She still can’t ride a bike without training wheels as a result is just example of how nothing happens when we stop trying with her. How do we deal with this? I feel like there are tons of books for talking to kids about tantrums but I don’t even know what to call this and whatever we are doing doesn’t seem to be helping this particular issue.
Mary Moo Cow says
How old is she? Has this come up at school (like, in parent-teacher conferences?)
AIMS says
She’s 7. Hasn’t come up in school but mostly because she gets by fine with what she does know. I just see her get frustrated or not do things she seems like she wants to do because she doesn’t want to fail at doing them and she doesn’t want to ask for help learning. Think saying I don’t like to dance when it’s really I don’t know how to dance.
anon says
Lack of flexibility in thinking. Our oldest has this trait. All I can say is, you have to tune out the noise about them being frustrated, etc. Keep trying, and eventually, the skill does click. I don’t know how old your kid is, but at some point, they start being somewhat embarrassed by their limitations and seem more innately motivated to learn and practice. Kiddo has a therapist for ADHD and the therapist is adamant that we should not accommodate the inflexibility. It is absolutely exhausting, however, and we go through stages when we push a little harder and when we back off a bit. This also can be an anxiety-driven thing, so it may not hurt to get a professional opinion on this.
Anonymous says
I’m like this and I’m 37. What helps is having a neutral third party teach stuff. You can also read about the closed mindset, but nothing I’ve read helps with parenting strategies for kids who already have a closed mindset.
Anonymous says
The “growth mindset” book is incredibly frustrating for this reason. All about how a growth mindset is necessary for success, zero practical advice for fostering a growth mindset in a child naturally inclined in the other direction. Just explaining to kids that they should have a growth mindset is useless.
AIMS says
Thank you. I think you’re right about neutral third parties. She loves learning one on one with a music teacher and she did much better in one on one swim lessons. It’s a good strategy, just can’t really afford to only do tutors/one on one instruction. She’d do great as a privileged child on the aristocracy 150 years ago, I guess. Still good to remember that as an option where possible!
Anonymous says
I don’t enjoy having this quality, but I’ve done a fair amount of work to combat it, with mixed success. I will say, as an adult, I can recognize when I’m feeling “I don’t like this because I’m bad at it” and either push past it or decide whether I want to continue. I’ve also learned not to ask DH to “teach” me stuff because we end up in huge fights ;)
Cerulean says
“She’d do great as a privileged child on the aristocracy 150 years ago”. Hahaha, omg, this is me to a T. I hated anything I wasn’t immediately good at (soccer, multiplication tables, mini golf…). The upside is that once my stubbornness blew up in my face in high school, it has actually served me well in a lot of ways, particularly as a woman. The flip side is a strong sense of justice and passion and a strong voice once I was able to break through and figure out the things that made me tick.
Anonymous says
This is very similar to my kid. She truly believes that if you are smart and deserving you don’t have to work at anything, ever, and that if you have to work you are dumb and don’t deserve success. So she quits everything when it stops coming naturally. I think this is a common ADHD trait.
Anonymous says
As the ADHD trait, it’s not exactly when it stops coming naturally or requires work, it’s when it stops providing dopamine. If its still rewarding, I can push through and work hard to improve, but when the next boost of dopamine isn’t going to arrive until after a month of grinding practice, I struggle to make myself do that practice. Her reasoning for it is the explanation she has come up with because she doesn’t understand how her brain is responding.
Anon2 says
I’d call this perfectionism + first child personality (maybe a little anxiety mixed in, but in general this is very common). I think your oldest is around the age of mine (7)? He is very much like this, as was I as a kid. If he can’t immediately be good at something, he shuts down, and does not take coaching from parents. (He does seem a bit more willing to take advice from people who aren’t his parents.)
Some things, like riding a bike, are not life skills and I’d let those be. Either she’ll get to a point where she is internally motivated to learn, or she won’t. My son has a lot of natural aptitude for baseball, for example, and it does frustrate me that he doesn’t show as much effort or commitment as his teammates…but that my issue to handle. I can encourage but he has to decide if it’s important to him.
For other things that are important to you, like reading, maybe you need to incorporate it as part of your schedule (on weekends we all sit and read after lunch), or make other things (like screen time) contingent on having done her 15 minutes of reading. Let her choose whatever book at whatever level she wants – it’s still practice and confidence boosting.
Lastly, and I’m sure you’ve heard this advice all over but just in case, be really sure you are praising the effort and process and not the end result. No “good job”s, etc.
Anon says
Yeah I think this is pretty common.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree, that perfectionism/anxiety/first oldest child plays into this. My older kid is somewhat like this. FWIW, we outsource most skill learning to others – swimming, bike riding, skiing, etc. I think it helps him to see me and my husband make mistakes and keep practicing, even though we’re adults and in theory know things.
As for reading, is it an issue with school? If not, then I wouldn’t bother trying to force her to read if she doesn’t want to. My kid can also read but doesn’t really read for pleasure at the moment. We read to him but that’s about it.
AIMS says
Thanks all. None of these are issues at school. But our school is not very high pressure academically. She’s at grade level with everything. I think I just worry because she is starting to think of herself as someone who isn’t good at these things as her friends get better because they are trying and she gets left behind. It’s a weird mix of know it all and low self esteem that I want to help her address.
AIMS says
Oh and yes, she’s definitely a slightly anxious oldest child.
Anonymous says
Bribery is the only thing that comes close to working with my kid, and even that doesn’t work very well. She’ll scream the entire time she is supposed to be practicing the thing, lie about having done it, try to negotiate, etc. just to get the prize.
Spirograph says
Can you get around it a little by not using those words like “work on” or “practice”?
I realize this doesn’t fix the underlying problem, but for my kid(s) like this, I just say “hey will you read me a story?” or “let’s play catch!” (and then proceed to give pointers about stepping with the opposite foot “to be able to throw even farther”) without explicitly stating that it’s practicing anything.
AIMS says
This is a good suggestion. She is very clever and usually knows what I’m up to when I try to do this but it still works sometimes when she just want to cuddle and read together and I need to lean into this more.
Anon4this says
I’m 40 and I’m like this but I’m significantly better than I was as a kid and I also see it in my 4 year old. At least for me its a vicious combination of being anxious about not being good at something and being a perfectionist who was very afraid of making mistakes and being teased / laughed at so it was better not to try at all. I pretty much didn’t like/didn’t do anything that I wasn’t good at or didn’t come naturally to me from about age 8 through my early 20s, which is a great shame in retrospect. After college I consciously forced myself to try a few things that I found hard and was not good at (but which I thought I could like theoretically) for at least 6 months. I picked a couple sports, a drawing class and a volunteer project. Initially the deal with myself was I just had to go, and it did work. It was exceedingly hard in the beginning, but it got easier over time and I actually liked the process of getting better. I realize now that I needed to learn how to learn something new and what it felt like to learn something news and to realize that those feelings are normal, don’t last, and aren’t reflective of my worth as a person.
Thinking back to when I was a kid (8-12ish was probably when it was worst for me), I think it would have helped to hear over and over again: that some people find some things easy and other things hard – and probably explicitly for me that I was lucky because I found a lot of things to be easy but some things are still going to be hard and that’s normal and ok. It is ok to find something hard and for it to be a struggle to get better. Struggling doesn’t mean you are bad, or a failure, or that you will be bad at the thing forever. People will still like you and be your friend even if you’re not the best at the thing. It is ok to do things that you are just “good” at and not the “best” at. It is ok to try and not be able to do the thing and have to try again (and again and again).
I think individual teaching without other kids to see me struggle and potentially tease me for it later would have helped a lot too, but I realize that won’t always be an option. For some things a third party was best. For example, my best friend’s dad taught me to ride a bike without training wheels and it was just him and me and best friend who cheered me on (not on her bike but on foot racing along side me so I could be faster). And I really loved reasons so it was helpful if there was a solid reason for why I had to do something I was struggling with.
I’ve tried to implement some of these things with my 4 year old but it is very much a work in progress, in part because I think she is too young. The one that does seem to be taking hold and helping is that its ok to struggle with something and that she can try again next time and we will always love her.
anon says
Oh man, this resonates so much. :( :( I’m 42 and have only learned in the last five years that it’s okay to do things that I suck at, just because I enjoy them and get something out of them (e.g., running).
AIMS says
Thank you for this. It’s really helpful. Will be borrowing this script.
Anonymous says
For me this is absolutely the most difficult aspect of parenting. My daughter is incredibly smart and quite talented in a couple of non-academic areas, but absolutely refuses to put any work into anything because she can’t stand not being perfect. She does well without trying, but could be a real superstar if she just put in the tiniest amount of work. I worry about her having regrets later on (I didn’t work hard in high school and college for different reasons and have huge regrets) and also about her ability to survive college and a job because she cannot stand doing anything that isn’t easy.
AIMS says
I can relate to the perfectionism bit myself. It took me a very long time to realize that it was worthwhile to do things even if they weren’t going to always be perfect.
Anon says
My 5 year old (only child) is like this. It’s really hard for my husband, who has a very different personality himself and is convinced we’re doing something wrong with our parenting that caused this. I accepted long ago that it’s just personality and it’s not our fault, because I have a very similar personality.
Echo what others have said, that we pick and choose our battles and generally do better when someone not in our family is in the teacher/coach role. My husband is currently trying to teach our child how to swim and it is NOT going well.
Anon says
I would highly recommend finding a family therapist, not just for OP but for all the posters chiming in with similar experiences. This kind of perfectionism and anxiety can be a real source of lifelong pain, as many of us know, so it’s worth investing in early change.
Look for a good fit, a counselor who understands growth mindset, beginners mind, etc, but also go into therapy with a real willingness to change your own attitudes, not just looking for tips.
Anonymous says
In my observation therapy can’t really help with this, especially with kids, unless it’s something very targeted and practical like CBT and the person is 100% on board with making a change. No little kid is going to have the right attitude for therapy to be helpful.
Anon says
Play therapy and art therapy can help kids work through things that don’t show on the surface. But I mostly meant talk therapy for the grownups. Understanding and overcoming this kind of perfectionism is a core part of DBT. Even if you might not be interested in the therapy for yourself, do it for the kids.
Anonymous says
I’m generally a big proponent of therapy, but I don’t agree it’s the right solution here. To me, it feels like you’re telling your kid “your personality is wrong: we’re all going to therapy to fix your personality.” At least that’s the message I would have heard as an anxious/perfectionist child.
Anon says
Yah, I don’t disagree that therapy may be able to help some kids here (like poster above who never tried anything new for 20 years)…but I’m also chuckling, in light of last week’s hot thread on therapy being recommended every time a parent asks a question ;)
AIMS says
I understood the therapy suggestion as being for the parents to stop putting pressure to do more on the kid who is probably fine.
And thank you everyone for all the feedback and sharing of your own experiences as both kids and parents – it’s giving me a lot to think about.
Anon says
so i posted a similar post a few weeks ago and everyone basically told me it was genetic and part of who she is and nothing i could do to change it. i have twins and it’s amazing how the birth order stereotypes even play into that a bit. this weekend swimming finally clicked for my 5 year old twins and we talked a lot about how practice makes progress vs. perfect and how even mom and dad are still learning and there is no way to do something perfectly. we also talk A LOT about how people learn to do things at different times ( a lot of things come easier for one twin than the other, which is hard, but there are some things twin B can do that twin A can’t and it is important for both of them to talk about how the each learned to do different things first. it also helps that even though things don’t necessarily come easily to twin B, what she lacks in innate skill she makes up for with enthusiasm and willingness to practice, which then rubs off on perfectionist prone twin A) for swim, perhaps try individual one on one lessons (yes i know they are pricey) rather than a group class. for reading, ask her teacher for suggestions and then ‘blame’ it on the teacher. I also know that one of my kids’ friends goes to OT to help with this issue, but i would consider therapy. I plan on pursuing therapy for this for twin A once we get off the waitlist for the therapist who is located close to our house
Anonymous says
Hi, is your kid me, 35 years ago? It’s actually really encouraging to see from the responses here that this is a very common phenomenon. Two things that I think would have helped me a lot:
*Learning from someone other than a parent, as others have suggested. I don’t think it has to be 1:1. I actually figured out more about how behind I was in something like tennis when my dad finally stopped teaching me and put me in a group lesson.
*Being in a school with high, individualized expectations. I went to a public school that didn’t bother to push the kids who were already at mastery. I think I would have done much better in a place that kept challenging me.
anonamommy says
My 7yo has strong tendencies like this too. We have embraced the “progress not perfection” mindset and emphasized that little things help you make progress even if you don’t realize it. For sports we talk about building blocks – that you have to be really good at the very basic skills before you can master the more advanced skills. That no one is born knowing everything. Rock climbing and martial arts are great because there are levels of progression that are more obvious than in some other sports.
We watch a lot of American Ninja Warrior – both because we all like it, but most of the contestants fail at some point, even if they’ve been training for a year. It’s a good example of how people keep working at things to improve, but even still things aren’t always perfect.
We lean into silly examples. Once at the playground we saw a small kid just learning to walk. I said to my kid – wait, you didn’t always learn to walk? Or run? How did you learn? How do you practice? Are you better at jumping now than you used to be? Are you a faster runner now than you were when you were 3? Things like that to help make the connection that movements are a skill, even if they don’t realize it.
And we talk A LOT about how everyone has things they are good at and things they need to work more at. My kid is great at math and reading, but her friend is great at art. So her friend works harder at reading and she works harder at art. Basically drill in the same concepts in lots of different areas of life and hope to g*d that it sinks in.
anon says
How did you respond when she refused to participate in swimming? It sounds like she was trying to pull some sort of guilt trip on you. I’d stay out of it and put it back on her. I’d probably say something like:
“Look, I did my best and signed you up for the recommended class. I can’t control what they cover, but I know that teachers often start with review to make sure everyone has basic skills. If you don’t show her what you know in the first class, then they’ll likely drop you down to an easier class. Kids who show that they know all the skills in the class can get promoted to the next class. You’ll have to go swim if yo uwant to move to the next class. There’s nothing I can do.” If she complains more, I’d say “I’m sorry if you think it’s too easy. That means it should be easy to show her that you know these skills.”
For reading, I’d say something like: “Did you know that even adults work on their reading? Adults can choose to study reading (literature) at universities and get a masters or even a PhD in reading. So you’re telling me that you know everything that they’re teaching about reading at to adults at a university? That’s just silly. Everyone can get better at reading with more practice. I studied science in college so, while I’m good at reading, I’m not even the best reader out of all adults.”
Really, she sounds like she’s smart and just being manipulative. I’d stop letting her get away with it.
Anon says
I don’t think this logic would work on most 7 year olds.
Anon says
I use this with my 7 yo. Kids certainly can understand that you need to pass a test to move to the next level. That’s the same as school and video games.
I also think it’s worth making sure kids know adults have to learn stuff too and practice. My daughter’s piano teacher, a professional pianist, often plays his practice piece for her so she can hear it get better week-by-week. That isn’t a concept that should be too hard for a kid.
AwayEmily says
Maybe this is terrible advice but what about mostly ignoring it and seeing if it resolves on its own? I increasingly embrace this strategy with my own kids and it works more often than not. And I think there’s a decent chance that it will click for her, especially as it seems that there are some “natural consequences” of seeing her friends be able to do things she can’t.
Obviously this is much smaller-scale but my kid would not learn to pump on the swing. He kept demanding we push him, well after he turned 5, and my husband was getting so annoyed, and wanted us to refuse to push him til he learned. But I was like “eh, he’ll get there.” And he did! It took him a lot longer than the other kids but eventually he realized he was missing out and figured it out himself. Same with a lot of random stages my kids go through…there was the “demanding rather than asking nicely” phase, the “rile up your sibling for no apparent reason” phase, the “I refuse to clean my room” stage….usually they fade after awhile even if we don’t do anything specific to address them.
Esquinkle says
I feel a bit silly for even asking this question, but I’ve gotten some good ideas here in the past. We’re hosting a joint bday party for our kids, 4 and 6, in our backyard. We’ve got space and a big trampoline. There will probably be around 10-14 kids ranging from 2-7. If it were a smaller group, I’d be fine with just “trampoline and amuse yourselves.” But I feel like maybe I should be organizing an activity of some sort (or even if not an organized activity, maybe having a specific set of toys to spur play)? If anyone has done a low-intensity activity that was enjoyed by these ages (or even an idea of a separate activity for either the littles or the bigs), I’d appreciate it! No real theme to the birthday (I’m trying to relish what may be my last low-key birthday) but the kids are super into pokemon and dinosaurs.
AIMS says
I don’t know if you want to outsource this but we just went to an outdoor party with a magician and everyone was enthralled.
Alternatively, you can do an art project where everyone paints something on a small canvas or decorates a tshirt (like the baby shower onesie station but they keep the shirt), and whatever you chose can also be a party favor.
I would limit the number of kids on a trampoline at one time to avoid collisions.
Anon says
I would do ~30 minutes for trampoline / free play (and I’d put out some toys that your kids normally play with in the yard – here that’d be scooters and sports equipment), ~30 minutes for party games (piñata, pin the tail on the donkey, musical chairs, water balloon catch, whatever) and then ~30 minutes for pizza / cake.
TheElms says
Rent a bounce house with a water slide, if you have the space and are likely to have good weather. Just went to a 4 year old birthday party with this and the kids (siblings were invited so the age range was about 2-6) were in heaven! The 2 year olds did need more help in the bounce house and on the water slide but generally the 6 year olds were lovely and happy to help. The family did bounce house and slide with no water, then pizza and cake, then turned on the water. It helped keep everything a little more sane and gave kids who didn’t want to do the water an option to bounce/slide before everything got wet.
Anon says
+1 we have an inflatable water slide that was a Covid lockdown purchase and it’s a huge hit with kids in that age range.
Anonymous says
I very much want to rent an inflatable waterslide for an all-ages party but my husband thinks it’s too silly. :(
Anon says
yea i feel like you need something because (and maybe i’m a safety nut), because there should not be so many kids jumping on a trampoline at the same time. i’d have some kind of craft that involves stickers and coloring, maybe beach balls for kids to toss around or different bubble apparatuses, i’d say some kind of water play, but i’d be nervous about the big kids mowing over the little ones. we went to one dinosaur themed party where they hid refillable eggs (referred to them as dinosaur eggs) and kids went on a dinosaur egg hunt. you could have white paper bags out for kids to decorate with dinosaur stickers, markers and crayons before the hunt
Anonymous says
You’ve gotten a lot of good suggestions but wanted to share a small one I discovered. I put party hats and stickers out on a table for younger siblings to decorate at my oldest’s 5th birthday party. They were a huge hit with all the kids, not just younger siblings.
Anonymous says
My son loved pinatas at those ages, and in hindsight, I kind of wish I had done a birthday party with the theme of just breaking things, because the kids would invariably want to bash the pinata to bits after it was open. So I would do a pinata. I would also set up some stations for active play and/or maybe do a low-key scavenger hunt. Water guns and something to shoot at other than other kids could be a hit -e.g., a painting that will be destroyed or erased by water. A ball area with targets to throw at. Balloons tied to trees that they need to try to pop (if the 4 yr old won’t freak out). A baking soda/vinegar volcano is also fun and can be done over and over.
Anon says
Counterpoint I just went to a 5 year old birthday party with a pinata and there was so much crying. Some kids were scared to hit the pinata, some kids were upset that someone else was the one that broke the pinata open, some kids managed to injure themselves trying to hit it. I think the kids I know are probably more sensitive than average, but it seemed like way more trouble than it was worth, at least at this age.
Fallen says
Lots of greats suggestions here! Wanted to add our experience with 4 year old bday party. We rented a bounce house, had Mickey visit, pizza, cake, and adult drinks. Kids had a blast for a several hours (party was 4-7 but most people didn’t leave til closer to 8). Would have added a piñata for the future.
Esquinkle says
So many great suggestions, everyone! It really felt like a silly question but all of these answers have reaffirmed my gut feeling but also given me a structure to tackle it. I like the idea of a few little stations – I thought the bounce house might be a bit superfluous with a trampoline, and my worry with sprinklers/water play is that it might be a pain for the parents (so the timing suggestion by TheElms was great). Thank you everyone!
AwayEmily says
You could also consider buying a bounce house. My SIL just got my kids one for a joint birthday present (they are 1, 5, and 7) and she said it was $150 from Sams Club (Bestway Wonder Hoops). We set it up for a memorial day BBQ and it kept 9 kids entertained for three full hours. It’s not as fancy as the rental ones but I’m so glad we have it and I’m going to break it out every time we have people over this summer!
Mary Moo Cow says
If you have Bluey fans, play Pass the Parcel! Your choice if it’s Lucky’s Dad’s Rules. :)
I second an activity. For two birthday parties, we’ve rented an water bounce house and the kids play with it for a while, but not all at the same time. We also set up bubbles, reusable water balloons, have a swing set, and end the party with a pinata. Most kids stay in the bounce house, but a group of kids rotates through the activities and then, having one activity at the end to bring them together and end the party seems to make everyone happy.
Esquinkle says
My first comment got eaten, but thank you everyone for all of the suggestions! It helped me reaffirm my gut feeling but also provided lots of helpful ideas as to both activities and structure. I like the scavenger hunt idea, the arts station idea, and possibly we’ll get into water play but only after the food (I was worried that water play is a pain for parents). Pokemon hatch out of eggs, right??? Thanks again, community!
anon says
For my 6 yo last year I got a few doctor sets and set up a veterinary clinic with clip boards with medical reports (internet print outs) to be filled out by the pretend veterinarians. I used a pop up tent and a few small tables as exam tables. The kids who wanted to pretend would stop by that center to play during the party. It was a big hit.
Anonymous says
We went to a party that had Target’s ceramic dinosaurs available for painting. Fun and about $5/dinosaur– inexpensive compared to a lot of party entertainment.
Tea/Coffee says
Sorry this is late!
I am normally on Team Pinata. Until this year, when a guest (not even a little little kid) was hit by a flying tootsie roll pop and wound up with a serious goose egg. And scared holy heck out of all the adults bc why is someone suddenly scream-crying?!?!
I would do a super low key scavenger hunt. Put tiny things and non melty candy… that age is easy just go to the dollar store.. into easter eggs. Scatter across yard. Let them loose. This is a good thing to do early on, so that they can trade all their little treasures. I actually dis this for 9YO and they were seriously seriously into it.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I’m going to send a note to my PCP but would love some anecdata.
I got on a very low-dose SSRI (generic for zoloft) in February 2021. I was post partum (DS #2 was ~2 months). I’ve been on it since and it’s helped immensely. For Reasons, I’ve decided to go off of it, coordinated with my PCP, and have stopped taking it as of last week.
Everything is fine anxiety-wise but I’m definitely having very vivid dreams (which I read as a side effect of going off of one), which wake me up 2-3x/night despite being in deep sleep otherwise.
On top of that, it’s my first cycle without a SSRI and…I’m PMSing SO HARD.
I’m wondering if anyone has had a similar experience, and if so, how long did it take to get to a new baseline?
Thank you!
Isabella says
I get crazy crazy dreams when I miss doses of my SNRI! They are usually worst on night 2 and 3, and then mellow out.
Anonymous says
Nothing to add on the SSRI, but I get very vivid dreams around that time in my cycle. It could be a bit of a double whammy. Might help when you transition to a different point in your cycle.
Anonymous says
How did you decide which preschool to send your child to? I live in a a big city with a ton of options within walking distance (e.g., among others a French, German and Spanish immersion school (3 separate schools), there are 2 different forest pre schools, a regular Montessori school, a Spanish immersion Montessori school, a coop school where families contribute a lot to the school, a huge multi location school, and two very “prestigious” schools, multiple schools run out of local churches, etc.). I’m interested in how people start thinking about education decisions for their kids.
Anonymous says
I just needed a place that was going to be safe, kind, and open when I needed. Since I work, that meant day care not a pre school only program none of which offer real full day hours. And I wanted outdoor time. Preschool isn’t an educational decision for me, anywhere is fine.
Anonymous says
Outdoor time, low teacher turnover because that’s a proxy for quality in so many ways, and the overall vibe of the place.
Anonymous says
+1 on teacher turnover and also word of mouth/speaking to other parents. Cost and location/ease of dropoff factored in. Ours also offers a private Kinder and a school age summer program, so that option is nice.
I would go with your gut and don’t stress. I’m also in an area with so many amazing options, I’m sure our kiddo would have done great anywhere. Likely the same is true for you.
Anon says
These, plus “they provide food” were my top reasons to choose the preschool that school I did, and I’ve not regretted the decision once .. I’ve had at least one of my kids there since 2014 .
I wasn’t thinking on this intentionally at the time, but it’s also been enormously beneficial to be a mixed-income school and very open to kids with disabilities so my kids have had the benefit early on of learning to live in a world with other people who experience the world differently than they do.
Anonymous says
Play-based. No “assessments” or worksheets.
Anon says
Wow, that sounds like a wealth of options! Immersion schools and forest schools don’t exist where I live, but they both sound cool.
We defaulted to the daycare run by the university my husband and I work at, both because it has a reputation as being the gold standard for care in our small college town and because it was convenient to our work (pre-pandemic). We kept our daughter there until kindergarten rather than moving to a “preschool.”
My daughter just graduated and we absolutely loved it. The big pros were wonderful teachers and low staff turnover, a very fun play-based curriculum that somehow managed to teach my kid quite a bit of academic stuff, lots of extra adults around due to all the college students doing their student teaching in the school (not a big deal once kids are 3+, but nice for babies and toddlers), field trips/presentations about interesting university things, and racial/ethnic diversity. The big cons were cost (it’s the priciest option locally, and infant care cost almost twice as much as undergrad tuition at the university) and lack of socioeconomic diversity (virtually every kid has a faculty parent).
Anonymous says
Wow on the cost! Our university day care was the cheapest option and also the highest quality. The cost was about equal to in-state undergraduate tuition.
Anon says
To be fair, in-state tuition here is very reasonable. We paid about $18k/year for infant care and $14k for preschool age. I know that’s low to many people here who live in VHCOL cities, but I live in a very LCOL area and this is definitely the most expensive daycare option I’m aware of locally. There are subsidies available for low income families but even with the subsidies it’s not cheap for our area.
Anonymous says
We factored in cost, convenience, and the feel/academic philosophy/values of the place. We are in Brooklyn and in a neighborhood where many families have two working parents, but still found a surprising number of preschools didn’t offer full day coverage or summer coverage.* Then cost was a limiting factor for us. We also wanted a place that would work with both my and my husband’s commute, as we split drop off/pick up and use public transit. Also, we were looking for a place that had a UPK contract for 4-year-olds so our son could stay there for 2 years and the second year would be free (ish). We picked a co-op that we (a) thought would be cheaper and less work than it was, and (b) had a teacher and a philosophy that we really liked.
*In general, I think the line between daycare and preschool is really murky, but we happened to be looking at preschools right at the same time NYC rolled out universal pre-K, which shifted the business model for a lot of daycares. I think many now have UPK contracts, but at the time it was very new and our son’s did not. My son’s daycare used to have more older kids enrolled, but UPK changed that dynamic. And now there is free 3K in some areas. So YMMV depending on local conditions.
OOO says
We chose the preschool that is closest to our house, which is a nature-based school at a church. Fortunately it has been a great fit for DS.
GCA says
In order,
1. Location and hours, i.e we need full time care because spouse and I both work full time. Is it open when I need it, or does it end at 12:30/ is it closed on a ton of holidays in addition to federal ones/ etc. For my one-car family, is it transit-accessible or within reasonable walking distance in case the parent on pickup duty does not have the car?
2. Teacher experience, as with any childcare situation. I’m looking for peace of mind – is my child safe and has their needs attended to.
3. Play-based, lots of outdoor time.
For other families this calculus might be different – for instance if they want a more faith-based program or they want their kids to pick up a heritage language, or if they have more time flexibility than financial flexibility, etc.
Spirograph says
Assuming you have many options with open slots that are safe, welcoming, and play-based with good indoor and outdoor space, my most important criteria were practical: proximity to home/ease of commute, hours available, and cost. I did select a Spanish immersion home daycare at first, but when we needed to make a switch (my very active 2 year old boy would have been the only toddler with a bunch of infants after the older kids the previous year headed off to kindergarten, and I thought he needed kids to play with) we didn’t seek out another immersion environment.
I had zero interest in a co-op because I didn’t have time to meet the parent involvement requirements.
anonamommy says
For preschool we made logistics a huge consideration. We picked the one that was closest to our house and had the best hours (they were open 7:30-6, where most others were 8-5:30). They did not close except for federal holidays and a one-week summer break. (Depending on where you are, there may not be backup care options for small children if your center closes more frequently. It was nice to not have to use vacation time for spring break or Christmas break, for example.) They provided meals and snacks – we just had to provide bottles for infants and diapers. It was shabbier than some others we toured, but the only regulatory infractions were more administrative in nature (nothing that called to question the overall safety of the facility, more like one teacher was 2 weeks overdue on her epi-pen recertification). The teachers had long tenure and the kids seemed happy on the our visits ahead of selecting it. It was play-based but the kids all came out of pre-K reading, so it worked out well.
busybee says
I didn’t view it as an educational decision so much as a practical one: location, hours, cost. I rejected one because the teachers were clearly uninterested and another because the director seemed really scatterbrained and disorganized. From friends whose kids have gone to both, turns out my instincts were right.
I would have rejected any that used iPads, worksheets, or computers, but none we toured used them.
Anonymous says
I made a spreadsheet and sent emails/calls to my top 10. I looked at online reviews to see what the general vibe was, although reviews of preschools aren’t very thorough. I asked other parents I knew in the area for input. Figure out which have hours that work for you (a lot aren’t really full day, mine has both a preschool curriculum and daycare component built into the same program), and what price is in your budget or preference (some are going to be very expensive). if you want to pick a language school, are you going to try to pick it up a bit at home or will you continue lessons/schooling into elementary? If not, they probably won’t retain much language later. Are all of the vacation schedules similar (some are closed very often).
Also, can you even get in or is there a waitlist? Do you have to pay to be on the waitlist?
For the family involvement one, do you actually want to spend your time and money on that? Or does it just sound nice?
How are the teacher ratios? Do they provide any food or do you have to provide everything? How often do they move kids between classrooms? For 3+, do they have any extra enrichment opportunities onsite (soccer, dance, music, etc)?
Then you can do tours of your top ones. Some people like corporate, some people like crunchy. Are any religiously affiliated? Are you ok with what they teach and require?
Anon says
Although we didn’t have as many options as you, we decided to send our kid to a Montessori school. The major inconvenience is that our school runs on a typical school year schedule, but I think it’s worth it for us. Montessori is not for every kid, but I am a convert to the method and ours has absolutely excelled in the environment. I know she has learned so much there that I don’t think she would have gotten at the less structured daycare she previously attended. The first five years are extremely important for development and you’re not wrong to consider educational quality as a factor.
OOO says
You are traveling with a toddler for a weeklong trip. Which option would you choose?
Option A: Flight to destination and return flight that has one layover
Option B: Nonstop flight to destination and back, but flights are late pm/early am respectively so must stay at a hotel near the airport on the arrival and departure days only
anon says
I would prob do the layover, but I have traveled with my 3-year-old a ton and know that he’ll handle the vagaries of the flights more easily than he would the multiple changes in sleeping location.
Anon says
+1
NYCer says
+2.
HSAL says
Option A, assuming it’s not an insane layover.
Mary Moo Cow says
Me, too. Shopping for snacks at the Hudson News, window clings at the gate make it bearable and much less stress than two nights in hotels on either end of the trip.
Anonymous says
Depends on the length of the flights and the destination/origin/layover cities.
Anonymous says
Yup. Like. Just tell us the actual flights.
GCA says
+1
OP says
DTW to CHS. Nonstop flight is 2 hours, which would be perfect if the flight times weren’t awful. If we opt for connecting flights there are layover options that aren’t crazy but of course it increases the chances of flight delays, missed flights, etc.
Anonymous says
I would take the direct flights and just deal with getting to and from a normal location hotel at the inconvenient times. No reason to drag out a 2 hour direct flight.
Anon says
Those flight times are pretty bad. I would do the layover, but I have a kid who is an excellent traveler but high sleep needs and we try not to schedule flights that early or late except when we can’t avoid it, e.g., overnight flights to Europe.
GCA says
Ouch. I would do the direct flight, I don’t think the layover is worth it for such a short flight. Actually, an airport hotel could be part of the adventure (never underestimate the small joys of a random Hampton Inn with free breakfast and a pool, for a 3yo!).
GCA says
But I would say it also depends on kid age. Traveling with a 14mo is VERY different from traveling with a 3yo even though people might use ‘toddler’ to refer to both; with my kids, for a younger child I would do the layover (more hassle in the middle, possible running with a stroller through the airport, but avoid sleep disturbances) and for an older child I would do the direct flight and hotel/s as part of the adventure.
Anon says
Definitely kid-dependent. Mine is almost 6, and we still avoid flights that early or late. She’s a seasoned traveler and a pretty easy kid in general by now, but she needs a lot of sleep and we all are much happier when she gets it. It also depends on your kid’s schedule. Mine is a night owl, so a 6 am flight (which would involve waking up before 4 am even if staying in airport hotel) would be a lot worse for us than landing at midnight. But I know for a lot of kids it would probably be the opposite.
I actually sort of feel the opposite way, that it was easier to do crack of dawn flights when she was really little and could still kind of nap on the go at random times (now there’s no way she’s sleeping on a plane during the day time). But YMMV.
anon says
I’m pro direct flights with toddlers, but anti sharing a hotel room with toddlers, so would go for option A. But also I have been known to leave my house at 4am to get to the airport for a morning flight or drive 3 hours home after landing at 8pm local time/2am Europe time after returning from Europe to avoid hotels, so…
Anon says
Option A.
Getting to, into, and out of a hotel room will require travelling to said hotels, hauling stuff in and out of car or taxi (including car-seat), unpacking, setting up a bed in a new and different location, repacking everything in the morning while under time pressure … twice !! … is way more hassle than one layover on a day you were otherwise going to lose most of due to travelling anyway.
Anon says
Agreed.
Anonymous says
+2.
Toddlers says
Has anyone had a toddler who was consistently following directions at daycare and responding to adults when spoken to suddenly stop doing that? My 3 y/o’s daycare told me that’s been happening for a couple of weeks. No major life changes have happened at home or school, so I can’t think of an explanation for a behavior change. 3 y/o doesn’t always listen the first time I say to do something at home but I thought that was kind of normal at this stage? Idk what I’m looking for here, maybe advice, shared experiences, or commiseration.
anon says
Could they have fluid in their ears?
Anonymous says
I hate to say it but I need more info: is this willfully disobeying instructions or simply not being eager to put toys away when playtime is over? The latter is super super common and not your problem when it happens at school – probably just an fyi. Also, have your confirmed he can actually hear the instructions being given?
Toddlers says
We have a doctor appt in a few weeks and I’ll ask about hearing issues. He generally doesn’t seem to have issues hearing though.
And I suppose it’s a mix of willfully disobeying (not wanting to wash hands when it’s time to do so, etc) and being reluctant to put toys away when the teacher says it’s time to clean up.
ANON says
Yes, my now 4 year old went through something similar. The only possible thing I could attribute it to was that I switched jobs and now work from home, but I’m not convinced that is the cause/correlation. I think some 3 year olds just really lean into the independence phase of this stage of child development. Like you, I was surprised with the feedback I was getting from daycare but they really just wanted me to be aware. I think he has gotten better recently but will always have a bit of a strong personality. This is my second child FWIW.
Clementine says
Ugh, it’s both developmentally appropriate AND a major bummer.
Children at that age learn ‘control’. They learn that they have full control over their bodies – the biggest ‘milestone’ with this is potty training. They then start thinking – what else can I control? If I can really control my body, can I control other people? Can I control what I do and do not do?
Toddler defiance is a thing, but it’s also tied to a really critical developmental step they need to take. We want them to learn that they can’t control others but they can impact others. We want them to learn that they are the boss of their body, but that there are times and places where we follow directions.
In absence of illness/major stressor, I’d work through it.
Anon says
It happened a bit later for us, but when my daughter was 4 she went through a phase of being disobedient and rude to daycare teachers. They complained about it to us (a lot), we didn’t really do anything beyond reminding her that she should listen to adults and treat everyone with respect, and it seems to be better now. But yes, pretty normal, I think, and ultimately daycare’s problem to solve unless your child is doing something way outside the normal range of behavior.
Anonymous says
Ymmv, but my kid does this when she’s constipated or otherwise uncomfortable (and right now, at almost 3 yo, the constipation is due in part to her wanting to be in control of her body, so she’s withholding).
Anonymous says
Both my kids do this if they need to go to the bathroom. One of them also if he is physically uncomfortable in any way (hot, something hurts, etc).
DLC says
What water bottles are people liking these days for kids? Our current rotation of water bottles are all falling apart so we need to restock for the summer and there seem to be many more options out there than I remember.
Our daycare requires the spout/mouthpiece be covered.
I also don’t really want to spend a small fortune on something that at least one child will likely lose at some point.
Mary Moo Cow says
Thermos Funtainer, always. My 5 year old has the 12 ounce with straw and my 8 year old has the larger one with mouthspout. I’ve, for better or worse, trained my kids to like super cold water like I do, and I hate cups that sweat and leave water stains, so Funtainers only in our house.
Anonymous says
How old are your kids? We’ve really liked the Thermos funtainer, although the button to open them can get pretty gunky with sand. We’ve had two since last summer, and they’re still going strong other than the outside being a bit scuffed up. I think my kid had enough thumb strength for the button starting around 20 mos.
AwayEmily says
I really like the plastic Contigo ones. About $12 each and available via Target pickup. We lose them with some frequency but they do hold up — we still have one that’s going strong after five years of near-daily use. We’ve never had any mold issues. We wash them in the dishwasher and use them only for water, never juice or milk. I ‘m sure there are “better” ones out there but these hit the sweet spot of quality and affordability for me.
Fallen says
Pricey but we love the yeti tumblers!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I just bought DS #1 a bubba water bottle to leave at school/camp for the summer, which they will wash there. It was $9 on Amaz*n. It has a push button and open spout, no straw or anything. DH and I happen to have that same brand of coffee tumblers which are 10+ years old, and while we don’t use as much as our Yetis, they are excellent at their job.
Otherwise, my kids have Camelbaks (~12 oz?) with straws.
anon says
Just ordered a Thermos Funtainer to try out, hoping to love it and toss all of the others. It was the wirecutter rec as well.
On the chopping block
– Contigo plastics – sweat and leave water marks, feel like you cant get them clean
– Various Zak! ones from target, outsides are chipping off, piece that covers the straw has broken off, bottoms are no longer flat…
– Yeti – not going to toss it but it’s double the price of all the others, so I’m not stocking them for 3 kids
Anonymous says
Another vote for Funtainer. I especially like that it’s easy to buy replacement straws.
NYC says
We are firing our nanny and at a loss regarding what to tell our almost 3 year old. The nanny has been with us for a little over 2 years and has a good relationship with our child (although both my husband and I work from home and are involved throughout the day so she may not be as strongly bonded as she might otherwise be if we were away often). We are firing our nanny due to lies she has told us.
Has anyone been in this circumstance? We are debating telling our child that the nanny needs to take a break from working for awhile to help her family and new nanny will be joining instead. Given our child is in a “why?” phase, I’d appreciate advice!
Spirograph says
I’m sorry your nanny lied to you, that sounds stressful.
Granted my child was younger when we fired our nanny, but I don’t think you need to answer the “why” beyond “Nanny isn’t going to take care of you anymore because dad & I decided we want [new nanny] to take care of you instead.” why? “because that’s what we thought would be best for our family” why? “because we really like [new nanny] and think she’ll do a better job than [outgoing nanny], and we love you and want you to have a nanny that does the best job”
In case it helps: we made childcare changes around this age with all three of my kids, and aside from occasionally expressing that they missed the old teacher or friends, they really took it in stride. As long as what you’re moving on to is also A Good Thing, IME, kids don’t get too hung up on what used to be.
NYC says
Thank you! Both for the advice and reassurances.
Anon says
Paging Cb — I submitted a week in the life! I used a burner e-mail so let me know if you didn’t get it!