This post may contain affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
This may seem like an odd recommendation, but about four years ago, one of my older son’s babysitters gifted us this New York City Sanitation Department garbage truck, and I have to tell you, it has been one of the most played-with toys by both kids. It has buttons on top that you can push, and it lights up and says silly things like “I love the smell of trash in the morning” that will drive parents insane. If you’re looking for a gift for a truck lover, do consider this one from Daron. (The company has a whole line of New York City vehicles — we just got the FDNY ambulance because my younger son is into ambulances.) The truck is $15.34 at Amazon and is eligible for Prime. Daron New York City Sanitation Department Garbage Truck This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Cb says
Very cool but very annoying!
What gifts are you most excited about giving this year?
We have a 3-in-1 microscooter that I think my 16 month old is a bit small for but I had some store credit that was expiring so I figured I’d go for it. Grandma bought the Green Toys Recycling Truck as my kid is obsessed with any sort of vehicles.
AwayEmily says
Like every toddler in history, my almost-3-yo is obsessed with trucks, fire engines, buses, etc, and loves to pretend to drive. So I found a surprisingly cheap ($8!) pretend steering wheel on Amazon for her. It has lights and sounds, which I am sure will be annoying, but hopefully worth it.
avocado says
I am most excited about giving my almost-12-year-old the Lego Saturn V rocket. I bought it as a surprise before she knew it existed, then she saw it in the store and asked for it, and now I think she has forgotten about it so it might even be a surprise. I am so glad she is a space nerd like me–it gives me an excuse to drag her poor dad to a million aerospace museums and to have cool space toys around.
AwayEmily says
this is so cool; your daughter sounds awesome. and it makes me very excited to have kids at the age where we can BOTH get joy out of their presents!
CPA Lady says
My 4 year old wants to be a dentist when she grows up (???) and I got her the play doh dentist set. And a pink sleeping beauty princess dress because she loves that stuff too and we’re going to Disney in a couple months.
Pogo says
Dentists make good money. Tell her to go for it!
Anonymous says
My 4 year old wants to be a scientist when she grows up, because she really likes one of our books that talks about seeing tiny things through a microscope and scientists fighting germs. So, she’s getting a kid microscope and a dress-up lab coat.
My boys are getting new hockey sticks. The 2 year old asked for “a hockey stick like [big brother] so we can play hockey together!!”
Anon says
What book is this? I want to get it for my girls
Anonymous says
What are Germs? (Very first lift-the-flap questions and answers)
It’s available on @mazn, I’ll post the link in a second.
Anonymous says
https://www.amazon.com/Germs-First-Lift-Questions-Answers/dp/1474924247
Cate says
My kids are 2 and 3 and obsessed with jeeps, so I got them a powerwheels jeep to drive around in together. Price per kid is really pretty reasonable since it’s a joint gift, and I think they will have a lot of fun! It’s also not something they’ve asked for, so I love that it will be a complete surprise. That’s their big gift from Santa.
Anonymous says
For some reason this made me think:
Beep! Beep! Sheep in a jeep! Sheep in a jeep on a hill that’s steep!
AnotherAnon says
OMG best gift! We got a Power Wheels when I was 6 (so my brothers must have been 3 and 2) and it was hands-down the best, most played with gift we’ve ever gotten…except for the trampoline.
Pogo says
I’m excited to give kiddo a custom photo book I ordered called “Where is Mommy?” and it is pictures of me on a business trip and also dogs that I’ve seen on a business trips. DH can read it to him when I’m gone, and he loves dogs (who doesn’t) so I just included those to show him I get to do fun things on my trips, too. Like see dogs.
I had fun writing the text like, “Sometimes mommy has to go visit the customer, because the customer is sad.” or “sometimes mommy has to visit the vendor, because he made an uh-oh.” Because that is fundamentally true in language he can understand!
Spirograph says
This is adorable!
Anonymous says
Hahaha. Why are my clients always so sad?
Pogo says
In my case it’s because we never deliver products on time. I can’t blame them.
JTX says
My 5-year-old has been begging for a Wonder Workshop Dash Robot like they have in his STEM class at school. I can’t wait for him to open it up – he’s going to be so excited. [Side note: Highly recommend 3camels for tracking prices on Amazon – delayed buying this gift to see if the price would go down, and it dropped significantly.]
My 3-year-old’s #1 gift is going to be an overpriced, plastic Slinky Dog that he saw at Disney World. He asked for it, we said no, and he STILL talks about it. I managed to find it online and I think he’s going to be super happy about it (even though it is an objectively terrible toy).
Anonymous says
We already did this since it was for Chanukah, but my preschooler keeps stealing our kitchen tools (spatulas etc) and hiding them in his room, so we got him his own at the grocery store! Best $5 ever. He’s thrilled.
Helping a friend says
I have a close friend who went in for her 8-week appointment two weeks ago and found the baby was only measuring 6 weeks. She’s going back for a follow-up today and expects to get more bad news. I know a number of you have had similar experiences…any suggestions on what to say/do to best comfort her? We don’t live in the same area.
rosie says
Sorry for your friend . Hope the news is unexpectedly good, but understand being realistic about it.
In terms of what to say, understand that this is the loss of a child/promise of a child. Say you are sorry. Don’t say it was meant to be, she can try for another, “so and so had a stillbirth, at least you weren’t that far along,” at least you can get pregnant, etc. (I am sure that you would not say these things, just mentioning out of an abundance of caution!) If she talks to you about the medical options she has–typically you can wait and see if your body miscarries on its own, you can take pills to trigger this, or you can have a surgical procedure (d&c)–don’t keep asking questions, look it up on the internet for yourself. Just because she wants to share some of the details doesn’t mean she wants to explain to you exactly what is supposed to happen when she inserts the pills, for example. (Remember the ring theory, she dumps out on you, you dump out on people less impacted.)
As for what to do, send a thinking of you card. I really appreciated getting a sympathy card for my 11-w loss, but I know not everyone would feel that way. And food. Meal delivery service, seamless gift cards, etc.
OP says
This is such a wonderful, detailed response, thank you. And I actually did consider saying “at least you know you can get pregnant” so I’m really glad you pointed it out that it’s not a great thing to say (which seems obvious to me now, argh). I will definitely send her something (a card or snacks) if things don’t go well today.
anon says
One of my friends sent a white bouquet of flowers after my miscarriage and d&c. I really appreciated that gesture because it acknowledged the reality of the loss in a way that most people brushed over. Also, just keep checking in with her. I felt really upbeat a few days after my d&c but the grief didn’t really hit me until later.
anon says
I was going to say flowers as well.
Anonymous says
+1. I would have really appreciated a card and flowers after my loss. Something to acknowledge that it was a big deal to me.
KW says
I read an article recently that explained that our natural instinct when someone relays bad news to us is to try to comfort them by relating to them or making them feel better because their discomfort makes us uncomfortable. For example, “I know how you feel; I’ve had a miscarriage too” or “at least you weren’t very far along; you can always try again.” And while we mean well, by doing that, we take the focus off of them and put it on us, which makes the other person feel worse. So the best thing to do is just listen and offer comments such as “I’m so sorry” and “that must be really hard for you” because the other person really just wants to be heard.
KW says
Here is the article if anyone is interested:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-to-help-a-grieving-friend_us_5aa9801fe4b0004c0406d2fb?ncid=engmodushpmg00000003&fbclid=IwAR31swDSP4f_rADl5uxwLLheEYwgGuP1dUwOcDapTcSXv9vnOfYf_euhiCk
Anonymous says
The same thing happened to me– I measured too small and there was no heartbeat, and I had a follow-up a week later where it was confirmed I was miscarrying. It was so devastating– we had been trying over a year at that point. I would recommend seeing if she has that followup and touching base in a small way that day. If she is miscarrying, it might be really painful (mine was, I did not need a D&C but it physically hurt) and she might need some company or small thoughtfulness while she goes through that process.
anon. says
Know your friend. I love some of the recommendations here, but my friend did NOT want flowers – something about it just didn’t sit right with her and I think she would have thrown them out. I sent her a huge box from Dylan’s Candy bar instead.
rosie says
I agree flowers are very much a know-your-friend thing. Flowers are not a death thing in my culture (Jewish), so would not have been appreciated. Plus sometimes flowers wilting & dying can be sad.
Anonymous says
This happened to my sister in law. I sent her a large box from Godiva, which she really enjoyed. My husband (her brother) and I took turns reaching out to her to see how she was doing. Sometimes she wanted to talk, sometimes she didn’t. But I know she really appreciated how we showed up for her and made it apparent that we supported her. I didn’t know anyone that had gone through this and also had no idea what she would want but I spent a lot of time reading online resources and it was very helpful.
GCA says
Simultaneously, I find this truck delightful and think it would drive me batty! (I have at least one of those little vehicle fanatics you describe, and it looks like baby sister is headed the same way, from the way she watches big brother play with his trucks and trains.) We’re doing the same gifts we do each year (magazine subscriptions, some replacement clothing, photo books for family), except we’re getting a proper junior loft bed (with twin mattress) for the big kid. But I am irrationally excited about planning all of our 2019 travel in advance!
Cb says
That sounds like such a great strategy. Where are you headed in 2019? We’re going to Berlin in the spring and then going to the US to see my family next Christmas and I’m already excited! I want my kiddo to hang out with his little second cousins – they’re all within a year so I can’t wait to see them in a little pack.
GCA says
We are headed to: the White Mountains (indoor water park + hopefully still enough snow to go snowshoeing or xc skiing) with another family; Colorado in summer; Asia to see my family at Christmas (1st very-long-haul with two kids – ulp). Only the first is ‘vacation’, the rest is to see family. Also toying with the idea of London in the spring to see friends + coincide with a work trip! I would also love to visit the Azores! And Berlin! And Japan! Ah, daydreams.
Pogo says
We also need to plan 2019 travel! We were thinking of doing Croatia with my in-laws, since they’ve never been, but it’s such a pain to get to from the US.
What are you Berlin thoughts, Cb? It’s the only city I haven’t been to in DE but I could easily tack on a trip to a work trip and have the family meet me. I’ve just never pulled the trigger!
I also really want to do the Azores, since it’s so close to the US and the flights are cheap.
Cb says
Super excited for Berlin. We’ve rented a flat in a neighborhood with lots of parks / kid cafes / children’s museum. Just planning on having a mellow time and doing a few solo activities.
Anon says
I’m looking for some advice on how to deal with resentment in my relationship.
My husband and I have two kids, ages 2 and 5. He is an equal partner at home, doing his fair share of housework and childcare. We have similar jobs in terms of hours and schedule, but his job requires some travel (a few times a month for a few days at a time), whereas I rarely have to travel for my work.
I often feel that my husband resents me because I don’t “acknowledge” how much he does in terms of childcare and around the house, especially when I take a night to do something with friends or an activity after work. This feels really unfair, especially given that he travels regularly at which point I am doing 100% of everything.
This week has been especially busy, partly because of all the holiday activities – last Friday I had dinner out with girlfriends, yesterday I had a work holiday party (from which I got home at 6), and tonight I have another get together with girlfriends. This is a lot more after work stuff than I normally have going on, but ’tis the season.
My husband was also out of town for work this week for two days. Last night as we were discussing my going out tonight, he said to me “Do you feel sad that you never get to see the kids?” I was hella offended by this comment and it felt extremely judgy and passive aggressive, not to mention unfair. I tried to press him and ask if there was something he wanted to say, but he said he “didn’t mean anything by it” (what?!).
Anyway, I feel like this is relatively common for us. Even though he doesn’t come out and say it directly, my husband acts like he believes he does more than his fair share at home (and I disagree). On top of this, his approach to this problem is very passive aggressive so it’s hard to have a conversation and address the issue because he won’t really acknowledge when he makes a dig or just sullenly mopes around the house.
Anyone with experience or advice/strategies for how to deal with this?
CPA Lady says
I would be tempted to ask him if he feels like he never gets to see the kids with all the traveling he does, but that would be petty and unconstructive.
I would just address this head on in a calm manner at a calm time. “Luckily” my husband traveled enough that he knew it was a massive burden on me. But until we started clearly communicating what we each needed, there was a ton of resentment. Even though he traveled a lot, he still needed time to go have fun by himself when he was at home. He has a long standing Friday night outing with his buddies. It was rouuuugghhh when he would get home from being out of town Mon-Fri and want to go out with his friends. But he started handling bedtime before he went, which helped immensely. And then I started asking for everything I wanted even if it seemed extreme. You both need to ask for everything you want. Whether or not it is possible to make that happen is another matter, but I think both of you need to say what you want. Is he being a martyr because he travels a lot? And he feels like he can’t ask for more time “off” from the family and so resents you for getting time off?
AwayEmily says
We’ve had similar issues and have tried a bunch of different approaches (many not particularly healthy). I’d say the thing that worked best for us was to start from the point of both of us talking through what we’d like our ideal schedule to look like, in terms of childcare vs. time off, etc. So we each state what we’d ideally like, and then figure out a way to get there. I think the benefit of this approach is that it gets you away from arguments about what you ALREADY do, who does more, who does less, etc, and instead focuses you on making a plan for the future together.
lawsuited says
Honestly, gratitude is free so I’m my household we give it out in spades. Thanking my husband for unpacking the dishwasher, even though it’s one of his usual jobs, takes nothing away from me and makes him feel happier about doing the task so why not? You and your husband are both feeling unappreciated for the contributions you make, so the problem is solved if you both express more gratitude for those contributions. You’re both working hard, you both deserve to be acknowledged, so do that for each other. Saying “thank you for handling bedtime with the kids alone tonight” isn’t an admission of guilt on your part, it’s just a thank you.
Anon at 9:58 says
Jinx!
Anon says
I have to thank my husband for taking out the trash or he will literally never do it (and it’s the only household chore that’s “his” apart from the fact that he takes care of (our admittedly difficult) kiddo all day). It drives me bonkers because I don’t think you should need to be thanked for doing your job (I certainly don’t) but that’s just the way he’s wired, and saying thank you is a lot better than having to nag him to do it.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We do this too. We try to remember to thank each other for cooking, cleaning, etc. even though those are things that need to get done and do get done every day. Words of affirmation is one of my top love languages, and it may be your husband’s as well, even if he’s not saying that in so many words.
It’s so so hard to feel like you’re not doing more than your partner when it comes to small kids because you’re both probably working at 150% – there’s just a lot of work. And it’s easy to take it out on the only other adult present because you can’t really take it out on the kids or your boss or whoever. I think recognizing this will help, and acknowledging that you both feel overworked right now. It will probably also help to let him know that his comment hurt you – he may not have intended it to, but you were hurt, and you need to tell him that explicitly. Not in an accusatory way, more just about how it made you feel.
Anonymous says
This may sound silly, but one thing that really helps with my husband’s resentment is our practice of thanking each other for everything on a daily basis, which was originally his idea way back when we were dating. He thanks me for making dinner, I thank him for doing the dishes. Thanking me forces him to think about and appreciate all the things I do, and hearing me thank him makes him feel appreciated. It also sets a great example for our child.
anne-on says
+1 to doing this as a matter of course. It feels a little silly (thanks for unloading the dishwasher! no, thank YOU for making dinner) but as our kiddo gets older he’s obviously noticed and absorbed that we thank people for the things they do to make our lives/house run. And I think it is SO sweet now that he’ll thank me for doing things for him (making ‘a yummy dinner’, ‘buying me a soft new sweater’, etc.). Plus I didn’t think I needed to be thanked…but it is nice to hear my husband acknowledge and thank me for handling dinner/etc.
Anon says
I am your husband! We also have a 2 and 5 year old, and both work 40-45 hour/week jobs, and are very committed to equally shared parenting. But he almost never travels and I travel weekly.
Two things here. First, I agree with you that he is being obnoxious. I am VERY keenly aware that my husband ends up doing more than 50% of the overall parenting due to my travel. I consciously do more than 50% while I’m at home, but it still doesn’t balance out.
Second, I’d make sure that in your discussions with him, you aren’t framing the travel as a vacation for him. My travel is worth it to me for the career opportunities it opens up – I am in a career and job that I love and the travel, at this stage, is a necessary part of that. But I’d much rather be at home with my family than staying in a hotel two night most weeks. I do end up with free time, which I use to exercise and call friends, but it’s not freely chosen leisure time. And I miss my kids while I’m gone!
That doesn’t mean that your husband shouldn’t be stepping up more while he’s home, and he certainly shouldn’t be giving you a hard time about getting out of the house yourself. But I think some clearly expressed sympathy for the ways in which travel is hard on him might go a long way towards making it possible to have a productive conversation about it all.
Mama Llama says
Your second point is especially good. In our family my husband is the one who travels, and I am the one more likely to go off and do social or community activities. Being left on your own with the kids feels the same no matter what the other parent is doing, but I try to keep in mind that my husband’s work travel isn’t fun for him, and make sure he gets additional time to do the things that are fun/restorative for him. It’s in everyone’s best interest for neither of us to burn out!
Anon in NYC says
Yes. I think the second point is really worth emphasizing. Your husband doesn’t have to parent or do chores on those days, but he’s not really getting a break in the same way that a night out with friends is a break. AND, if he is the sort to not ordinarily have hobbies or get dinner with friends on a semi-regular basis, he also doesn’t have an outlet, so it feels (to him) like he “never” gets a break but that you do.
All that said, none of that excuses his passive aggressive behavior, and I would be having some aggressive conversations with my husband about that dynamic.
EB0220 says
I agree with others that gratitude is free so you might as well. Even if my husband is just pulling his weight it costs me nothing to say thank you for whatever it is. My husband does a lot of chores that I hate (like cooking) and so I am really grateful that he takes on those things so I don’t have to! Also – maybe I am reading this wrong – but was your husband’s comment an attempt at commiseration….not like “Oh YOU don’t see the kids that much” but more like “I don’t see the kids as much as I’d like and I think you might be in the same boat, does that make you feel bad?” I don’t know….just a thought.
mascot says
Gratitude goes a long way in our house too. We try to recognize/thank each other for doing little things that make each other’s lives easier. Hey, thanks for picking up item at the store or turning on the dishwasher before you left for work.
I also know how much it means to get “atta girls” in other areas like my job or from a trainer at the gym. Nobody likes doing housework and we all know how hard parenting can be. My kid is never going to thank me for being a disciplinarian, but it helps so much when my husband “sees me” and lets me know he’s on my team.
Mama Llama says
I think the most important issue here is the passive-aggressiveness and refusal to discuss issues like an adult. You’ll never be able to resolve anything if you can’t even discuss it. Have you ever had an explicit discussion about communication? Have you considered marriage counseling?
Pogo says
It is judgy and passive aggressive and there is something else going on here. I would push him on it, maybe at a time when he is not grumpy already. It’s important for him to come out and say it if he feels the parenting is unequal.
If he doesn’t really feel that way, why did he say it? Tell him it was hurtful and if he didn’t mean it, he shouldn’t say it.
Been there done that says
I posted about something very similar a few months ago, but of course now I can’t find that link. I’m in a very similar situation as you, my husband travels during the week so I’m on 100% duty with the kids, and I like to go out with my girlfriends and have fun and I usually do that on Friday evenings when he is back home. Husband will sometimes make snarky remarks like yours did and unlike me, he has no desire to hang out with friends — he just wants to spend time with the kids and me on the weekend. Some people responded that my husband isn’t having “fun” while traveling and that if I want to hang out with folks, maybe stick to weeknights when he is not around and hire a sitter so that I can preserve weekend time as family time.
I don’t know if I completely agree with this advice because why can’t I also go out once in a while on a weekend? But I’m passing it along to the extent you find it helpful.
Anon says
I’m the OP and just want to say thank you for all the thoughtful comments & advice! I really appreciate the ideas and the perspectives from those who’ve been on the other side.
Anonymous says
This truck is adorable, but the batteries would be coming out for sure.
anon says
+10000 My LO got a couple of trucks for his birthday and I couldn’t stand the noise so I took out the batteries. I think he was a little disappointed at first, but he seems to still play with them. One would randomly make noise when no one was holding it.
Anon says
I’m so irritated by my husband. I ordered and wrapped all of the kids presents except for one – an out of print video game which he said he ordered. Well, he didn’t order it (surprise!) and now all the cheap copies are gone or won’t be there by Christmas, so he tells me he’s going to order one…for $200. So of course, I had to jump on the Internet and found one for $50 for pick up at a local store – which I am making him do.
Why is everything such a clusterf ck unless I handle it?
Anonymous says
I know we always say that husbands should take on some of this stuff themselves, but it’s not always realistic to expect them to pitch in on every single task. My husband is a terrible shopper, hates shopping, and freely admits both of these facts. I hate putting up decorations and he loves it. So I do all the shopping and he does all the decorating. The lights don’t get strung exactly the way I’d do it and the tree is a little messier than I’d like, but it just happens and I don’t even have to think about it. In return, he doesn’t have to think about shopping. Is there some other task your husband could take full responsibility for?
Eh says
I really very much disagree with this. It’s not acceptable for men to claim “oh I’m so bad at that” and then dump it on you. It’s absolutely realistic to expect any adult to be able to handle a normal adult task. Beyond that, her husband TOLD HER he was ordering the item and then didn’t. He just ignored the task, dumped it on her, and then she had to scramble to handle it. It’s absolutely realistic to expect husbands to do what they said they would do.
Anon says
I agree with Anon at 10:11. Some people (especially those with ADHD, whether diagnosed or not) really can’t handle open-ended organizational tasks like this with lots of options. I do all that stuff for my household, but my husband does a majority of the cleaning, grocery shopping and pet care. Dividing up tasks rather than trying to split every task equally has made us much happier.
Anon says
The OP’s task was not open ended; there were not lots of options. The task was specific– order the videogame. The husband said he would do it. He did not do it. So these responses are fair but are not addressing the OP’s problem.
Anon says
“Order the video game” has options – from what store/site? At what price? For what console?
I know this may be shocking to people who don’t struggle with things like this, but there are people that genuinely have trouble with tasks like this, or at least require so much hand-holding that it’s easier for the asker to just do it themselves. My husband has absolutely had problems with instructions as simple as “order X game.”
lawsuited says
I have found that delegating one discrete task (order out of print video game) to my husband within a much larger task (buy and wrap gifts for everyone) that I’m handling never works well. Because I’m handling the larger task I’m keeping track of sales, shipping deadlines, the dates we gave to give various gifts, and what is done vs. outstanding, and I have a system for doing that. My husband doesn’t have those systems, so it doesn’t happen and I guess I’m not surprised. BUT, my husband takes care of the planning, grocery shopping and cooking for Christmas Day (with help from his sous chefs). If he asked me to take care of one of the discrete tasks within that like the cranberry sauce or something I would probably forget to go out and buy the cranberries because he was doing the rest of the shopping.
lawsuited says
I do think it’s nuts that he told you he’d ordered it when he actually hadn’t though. Lying about that is weird, irritating and in this case very inconvenient.
anon says
I don’t know, but I hear you. If my husband manages to mess up the one gift I’ve delegated to him (a $50 Amazon gift card for his mom, to be given along with other stuff that I thoughtfully selected and bought for her), then I’ll know it’s intentional this year!
Also Anon says
Because some people won’t/can’t actually manage to get their s#^t together, and they are typically paired up with people who are adept at managing their own lives as well as others.
And because the later group of people realizes that it’s not worth the repercussions if the ball is completely dropped, because of the financial or emotional fallout, that they pickup the slack, and reinforce the behavior of the former group.
Also because the ‘ball droppers’ think its so much easier for ‘the rescuers’ to fix things, it just makes sense to drop the ball.
JTX says
This sounds very irritating. We try to avoid this by having one person taking complete and ultimate responsibility for each “department.” Meaning, I buy all the kids’ gifts. My husband can certainly give me ideas or input, but I don’t want to have to bother with coordinating about who’s ordered what, how much it cost, when it’s arriving, etc. I will wrap all of the gifts because I enjoy it and I’m a superior gift wrapper. Similarly, he handles all car and home repair type stuff. I have no idea when my car is due for an oil change or when we need to change the AC filters – that’s not my department. I keep the family calendar and handle all kids’ scheduling, including medical appointments and school and social obligations. He is responsible for making sure all monthly bills are paid. I buy all kids’ clothes, shoes and assorted sundry items. He handles the yard. I do the grocery shopping and keep track of what household items need to be restocked. And so on. Some of these departments arose naturally and some we had to discuss, but it just doesn’t work well for everything to be a shared responsibility.
That’s not to say we don’t share responsibility for some things. We do, but those tend to be things that just have to be done by someone and neither of us cares all that much about how they’re done. Like washing dishes, vacuuming the floor, paying one-time bills like medical bills, etc. We do coordinate to make sure that stuff is done, and it changes day to day who takes care of that stuff (depending on work or personal obligations). But once someone has said they’ll do something, that’s pretty much it. We might remind each other tasks need to be done, but we don’t criticize each other about how they are completed.
It seems like one of the problems here is that you asked him to do a task but still felt you were ultimately responsible for making sure it was done. If I asked my husband to help buy gifts, I have no doubt the same thing would occur (I would get mad because he bought the wrong thing for the wrong price) – so I don’t ask my husband to do that. I also have no doubt that if I purchased an AC filter it would probably not be the same one my husband would have selected – and since he’s particular about that, he doesn’t ask me to do it (this is a real example, ha). If you are not okay with someone doing something differently than you (and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing), don’t delegate it. If you feel like you are responsible for an unfair amount of the housework or mental load (which is significant when you have kids), or if you feel like he is being willfully helpless, that’s another discussion. But that would hopefully result in him being responsible for more departments, not more individual tasks.
AnotherAnon says
I just wanted to throw something out there since I pile on the “my husband is driving me crazy” here often. I ordered Seven Principles for Making Marriage work, read it (actually doing the exercises is my next step), and DH and I went for a long walk last weekend. We were able to discuss some issues calmly and without fighting. It was really nice. Of course we are far from where we were before all the resentment started, but we’re trying to make our way back there. Us saying thank you to everything doesn’t really work but YMMV (I do try to acknowledge that he does a lot around the house and to help with the kid). +1 that discussing how we would like to see our ideal day/schedule go has helped immensely. That took the blame out and allowed us to problem solve as a team.
TL;DR – if you’re struggling in your marriage, don’t give up. It takes a lot of work but you can get there. You don’t have to be miserable.
Anonymous says
Ladies, do you have any tips on getting through the paranoia of the early days of pregnancy? I’m six weeks along and waiting until next week to hear the heartbeat. In the meantime, whenever I go a few hours without feeling any symptoms I get worried. Any advice?
Mama Llama says
What helped me was the “today, I am pregnant” mantra. You can’t control the future, but your best information is that right now, you are pregnant.
rosie says
+ a million to “today, I am pregnant”
& gentle congratulations to you, anonymous
anon says
I bought the kind of pregnancy tests that can tell you how pregnant you are and peed on them when I got worried. It was probably stupid and definitely expensive, but it helped in that pre-doctor appointment time frame. I don’t remember exactly what kind they were, but there was a little screen that said “2 weeks pregnant” or something like that?
Anon says
This makes no sense to me. Hcg levels can take a long time to go down after a miscarriage so not sure what peeing on these sticks really does.
rosie says
Yeah, I would not waste time/$ & risk potentially freaking out over nothing with these. I don’t know that there really are any reliable quantitative urine hcg tests. And even if there are (or if you get quant blood tests), the number is only relevant in relation to your previous readings. That is, you care about doubling times/ratios. So it’s not like you can say that an hcg of XXX is equal to Y weeks pregnant with any degree of certainty.
Anonymous says
The only advice I have is that lots of people don’t have symptoms at that point. (Hopefully this isn’t seen as insensitive, I really don’t mean it to be)…but there might come a time, like when you haven’t had a reprieve from the nausea for 8 weeks straight, when you long for the days of a symptomless pregnancy.
Anon says
And lots of people with healthy pregnancies don’t have symptoms ever. I never felt nauseous and had no way of knowing I was pregnant except that my boobs immediately got huge (and I imagine if I’d lost the pregnancy it would have taken them a while to return to normal anyway). On the other hand, my BFF had a missed miscarriage and continued vomiting daily until the appointment when they told her there was no heartbeat. So, gently, don’t read too much into symptoms. They’re not that correlated to the health of the pregnancy.
Lyssa says
I don’t have any advice, but I’ll let you know that it’s definitely normal. My main symptom was sore b00bs, and I pretty much spent the entire first 12 weeks constantly jabbing myself in the chest just to confirm that they did indeed still hurt.
It’s easier once you start feeling the baby move.
anon says
No tips. I remained paranoid until I heard my LO cry for the first time and I had a textbook pregnancy.
Anon says
Same. I think this is not the norm, but for me it got worse when I could feel movement because I’d worry if she went an hour without moving (which they definitely do, especially towards the end). And I felt like I’d be more to blame if something went wrong at that point (btw, an assumption that wasn’t entirely unfounded because when I had an ultrasound at 41 weeks and they didn’t like what they saw of the baby’s movement the nurse said to me in an accusing tone of voice “You didn’t even notice your baby had stopped moving?” She hadn’t “stopped moving” and she was fine – although they sent me for induction that day – but that nurse’s words would have been unbelievably cruel if she hadn’t been ok.)
When my baby came out, my first words were “Is she alive? Is she ok?” Then I finally relaxed a little when they said yes. Then you get to worry about SIDS.
Mama Llama says
What a horrible thing for a nurse to say! Wow!
Anon in NYC says
Same. My OB actually suggested that if the anxiety was overwhelming that I speak to someone about it. I never did, but in hindsight, it might have been worth it.
ElisaR says
i don’t have any advice but i spent the entire 40 weeks completely freaked out and scared something would happen. it’s normal…. and once the baby is here you will continue worrying for the rest of your life!
Anonymous says
I don’t think it’s normal to spend 40 weeks freaked out and scared. Definitely see a counselor if that’s how you are feeling. Are there moments of worry or upset? Sure, but it shouldn’t be a dominate emotion for months on end.
rosie says
Small complaint. We need to make our plans for MLK & Pres Day long weekend travel (we had coordinated 1 weekend would be to my grandfather, the other weekend to my ILs). Of course it’s only right after I book the hotels for seeing my grandfather that my husband says that the other weekend won’t work for his family…not that I haven’t been asking him about that for weeks. It’s all refundable (except for my time, ugh).
Handoff says
Sounds like your husband gets to spend his time changing the bookings, not you.
AnotherAnon says
+1 I think you get to be upset about this and then, once you’re not as upset, you can cheerfully say to your DH “It seems like it would be easier for you to coordinate the visit to your family since my effort failed. We need a date and a place to stay. Let me know if you need help!”
rosie says
Meh, not even that upset. I think I just need to get him to commit to when we will visit my grandfather & make those plans (I’m worried FL in the winter will book up fast) and let the pieces w/his family fall where they will, to minimize the impact on us of inability to commit on their end. And he will at least book the plane tix, we just need to find the time to do it. Thanks for listening to me vent!
Sick Baby says
I’m looking for some advice on next steps to take for a sick kiddo. My 12 month old was sent home from daycare on Monday afternoon with a 102 fever. We gave tylenol/ibuprofen, fever came down, put him to bed. Tuesday morning the fever was back, so I took him to the doctor.
Pediatrician said he just has a cold, the fever is not alarming since it is responsive to tylenol/ibuprofen. The ped also said that the number of the fever (102) is not alarming in and of itself; rather, the fact that the fever responds (lowers) after tylenol/ibuprofen indicates to them that it’s not a respitory infection and is likely just a cold. (This is my second kid but first time I’ve heard that tidbit.)
That was all fine, but he’s still had a fever off and on every day since then. We are now on our fifth day of fever with congestion, fifth day out of daycare (super neat, my office is thrilled). I know the ped said it’s just a cold, but I’m considering taking him back to the doc this afternoon. I guess my question is: would you just keep riding this out, giving OTC meds? Or would you go back to the ped even though he went on Tuesday? Sorry for such an inane “my baby is sick what do I do” question, but it’s been a week, we’ve been to the doctor, and I don’t know what makes sense at this point…
Pogo says
I would absolutely call the ped again and ask to chat with a nurse. Just frame it as, “hey we were in on Tuesday and we’ve been following the doc’s orders, but the fever is still here. Shouldn’t baby be improving, or is this expected? When would we expect fever to dissipate?”
They may or may not ask you to come back in, but always chat with the nurse! It’s what they are there for!
Anonymous says
Yes. Call and ask if you should come in. This is why I love the Kaiser advice nurses, but any office should be able to take a call. If yours doesn’t take calls or doesn’t call back or if you have trouble getting in same-day, and your insurance covers urgent care at a reasonable fee, you could go there to get a second opinion. At 5 days of fever I would definitely be back, at minimum to rule out an ear infection or strep (uncommon in little kids but what do you know, mine had it around that age even though I’ve never had it in my life).
Anonymous says
If your instincts tell you something is not right and your doctor brushes it off, get a second opinion. Pediatric urgent care if necessary.
Signed, the mom who learned this the hard way
Coach Laura says
+1 and the pediatrician who advised waiting was very embarrassed after we spent 8 days in Children’s Hospital. The fever, on the third day, was said to be a 3 day virus and a 5 day virus on the 5th day. Then a physician family-member said get to the doctor ASAP whereupon the kid was sent by ambulance to Children’s.
Anonymous says
Just coming here to report that sexism is alive and well here in the legal world, in case there were any doubts. Just coming to vent after spending a week of being mansplained in negotiations and having my reasonable push-back on demands from the other side of the table for drafts over the holidays attributed to my status as a mother. Now off to turn a credit agreement for these b*stards.
Anonymous says
or the opposite…. I assumed you wouldn’t come to the board meeting (that you just finished writing the entire presentation for) because you have stuff to do with your kid (21st of December). I mean obviously I would rather NOT work during the holidays but that has nothing to do with having a child and everything to do with being a person who only sees family when she travels to see them.