In my opinion, Madewell has been killing it lately with their accessories. Their clothes aren’t really speaking to me lately, as it seems like all of their sweaters are cropped, but I can’t pass by a pair of shoes or bag made by them that doesn’t catch my eye. This necklace grabbed me when I saw it. It just screams cheerful and happy to me — I love the color combo, the fact that all the beads are the same size, and the gold spacers in between. The length is choker length, but with a 3″ extender option. I definitely think I need this in my accessory rotation come springtime! The necklace is $28 at Madewell. Multicolored Bead Choker Necklace
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Sales of Note…
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Nordstrom – 2,100+ new markdowns!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything; extra 30% off orders $100+
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Kid/Family Sales
- J.Crew – 25-40% off kids’ styles; extra 50% off select sale
- Lands’ End – Up to 40% off your order
- Hanna Andersson – 30% off all kids’ & baby clothing; PJs on sale from $25; up to 75% off clearance
- Carter’s – Rule the School Sale: Up to 50% off; up to 40% off baby essentials
- Old Navy – 50% off back-to-school styles; 30% off your order, even clearance
- Target – Backpacks from $7.99; toddler & kids’ uniforms on sale from $5
- Pottery Barn Baby – Summer sale: up to 50% off
- Nordstrom – Limited time sales on brands like Maxi-Cosi and Bugaboo.
- Strolleria – Free infant seat car adapter with any Thule stroller; 30% off all Peg-Perego gear in our exclusive Incanto Collection
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
anon says
For those of you who use sitters overnight – do you pay a flat rate or their hourly rate (or some combination)? We are using a favorite sitter of ours for 24+ hours next weekend so we can attend a wedding out of town. Kids are 3 and 6 months. She’s a valued sitter who we already overpay because she’s hard to get.
Anonymous says
For elementary school aged kids I’ve paid less for the overnight hours (8 hours at $10, 16 hours at usual rate of $20) but with a baby and preschooler, the sitter isn’t really ‘off’ during sleeping hours in the same way as the baby and/or preschooler could be up at night so I’d be inclined to pay full rate for the 24 hours. Especially if you want her to agree to do the overnight again. Mention the overnight waking factor when offering the full pay so that you can drop the rate when the kids are older and consistently sleeping through the night.
Sf says
We do $100 flat rate for the overnight plus regular hourly rate for any awake hours. Is the baby’s sleeping predictable?
If the sitter will be awake for much of the night, she deserves her regular pay.
NYCer says
This is what we do too.
However, I agree that if the baby generally wakes up in the middle of the night, you should consider using her regular rate over night instead of the flat rate. (Or increase the flat rate to $150 or something.)
SC says
This is what our sitter used to charge.
AwayEmily says
We just moved my 2yo and almost-4yo into the same room. So far, a few nights in, medium success. I could use some advice…what rules/tricks have worked well for other room-sharing families? Do you have guidelines as to when they are allowed to chat and when there’s a hard cutoff? And what happens when one wakes up earlier? We are an OK to Wake clock family, and when they were in their own rooms they would just hang out and rest if they woke up before their clock turned green but now they wake up and immediately wake the other one up too. Maybe I need to just accept this as the new reality? thank you! (PS it is also super cute to listen to them chatting!)
DLC says
Our 8 year old and 3 year old share a room. The rule at lights out is you don’t have to sleep, but you do have to stay in bed and be quiet. The three year old wakes up first, by an hour or so – he will play by himself and let his sister sleep. We make sure there are toys and books for him to occupy himself. If he gets too disruptive, she will let him out of the room and go back to sleep. It’s not a huge deal for us because my husband is usually up by then anyway. But the rule is generally, you let sleeping people sleep (we also have a five month old). Of course, even with all this, the biggest rule for myself is, “Close the door and let them figure it out themselves.” This might be a luxury of having slightly older kids, though.
Anon says
My 5 and 4 year olds share a room & have for years. We generally let them chat/use flashlights to look at books as late as they want, which usually ends up being no more than…20? minutes after lights out. As long as it is amicable chatting and we don’t need to get involved in any way we are cool with that. Agreed it’s super cute to listen to. Sometimes one will really want to go to sleep ASAP and is bothered by the other chatting so we make the other be quiet then, but that is rare in our case.
In the mornings, once one is up the other is up. We have found no real way around this. The FOMO is real. Which is a bummer b/c we know from random circumstances that our 4 year old would likely sleep much later than she does if left to her own devices.
Anonymous says
My 1 year old and 3 year old share a room. At night, they generally chat for a bit and then the 1 year old falls asleep right away while the 3 year old sings for a bit- we had to run some interference when it seemed like she was trying to wake the baby up to hang out with her, but thankfully that phase didn’t last. They also use an ok to wake clock because they are both early birds, but if one wakes up early and the other is still sleeping, sometimes we will try to get the awake one out quickly. Personally I love it- listening to them chat is so cute, and they have some really nice morning time together when they are both awake and reading books in their crib/beds.
Spirograph says
TL/DR: Give it some time, and you’ll figure out what works. We emphasize to the kids that they need to be respectful of siblings’ need to sleep, and if someone is sleeping or trying to sleep, they need to be quiet.
My kids are 3, 5, and 7 share a room. The general rule is that once the lights are out they need to be quiet and in their bed, but we let them have a night light and books. Usually they’ll “read” for 10-15 min and then put themselves to sleep, but sometimes the younger two will get wiggly and get out of bed to play with each other. DH or I will occasionally stay in the room to enforce quiet until the oldest falls asleep, since he doesn’t get nap time and is the most sensitive to lost sleep at night.
I don’t worry about mornings. My kids are sound sleepers and they will sleep through others getting up. The early riser(s) typically make their way to the family room and play with blocks until we start herding them into morning routines.
Gift Ideas says
Any suggestions for a gift for a dear friend with an uphill IVF battle? They just had a failed retrieval and the prognosis is not good. I’m in treatments myself so I know that just being a listening ear and compassionate friend is important, but I’d very much like to get something sent to her house to bring a smile to her face that is not flowers (because those are already en route). We’re in suburban Boston in case that helps. My heart breaks for her.
Anon says
Burdick chocolate!
Butter says
I do love Burdick’s, but also want to recommend a Spoonful of Comfort, which I just got from a friend a few months ago when I was sick for several weeks. Lovely packaging, delicious soup, rolls, cookies, and tea. Was really well done, and now I am a big fan of the company.
Colette says
A nice bottle of wine, unpasteurized cheese, and cured meats. I had a really rough time getting pregnant and found it important to enjoy aspects of life NOT being pregnant after a failed cycle. It helped to recenter my feelings on good things I could do.
Sf says
I found out yesterday that I’m having another boy. I know I should be happy because I had a miscarriage in September and all the chromosome tests for this pregnancy came back perfect. But I also lost my mom seven years ago and am having a hard time letting go of having a future mother/daughter relationship.
I cried. My three year old brought me his favorite stuffed animal. I’m not sure what I’m looking for but wanted to say these words out loud and I’m not sure it’s something I want to talk about in real life (outside of therapy and my husband).
Anonymous says
Give yourself time. And grace. It is okay to be sad. It sounds like you are already doing an amazing job with your first child if he brought you his favorite stuffed animal.
Anonymom says
Sometimes it helps me to remember there is no guarantee that things would have turned out like you imagined regardless. I’d always thought I wanted three kids and for various reasons they’s not possible and it makes me feel better to remember that this imagined future of three kids who are lifelong best friends could very well (if not most likely) never have materialized even if I had three kids. Even if you’d had a daughter your relationship might not be what you’d imagined; you might not share a lot of interests, etc. Try to appreciate what’s great about your reality (though also okay to feel sad about losing the “dream” future.)
Anon says
it is ok to feel the way that you do. in a sense you are mourning something lost/that you will never have. let yourself go through those feelings. i lost my mom 2 months ago and we were very close. i have two toddlers and always imagined that when i became a parent she would come to help me with my kids (she lives flying distance away) because my husband travels a lot, but instead she spent the entirety of my kids’ short lives in a wheelchair and that never happened. i feel cheated and robbed out of that experience, but at the same time i am grateful that she got to witness other milestones because i know many others’ have lost their parents much younger than i did. my point is that it is more than ok to feel the way that you feel. i can honestly also admit that i always imagined myself having a daughter and probably would’ve reacted like you did if i found out i was having a second boy. i also know of others who’ve had the same reaction that you are having now, so know that it is common and you are not alone in feeling this way
Anon says
I’m sorry. I’m sure many women have experienced the same hard feelings. But wow, love the story of your three year old!!
Side note: many moms are not best friends with their daughters and butt heads, despite the best intentions. My MIL adopted a daughter because she really wanted a girl and already had sons, and now her daughter has rebelled and pushed her away and lives on the other side of the world. Even when we “get” what we want, it doesn’t always work out, sadly. I don’t know if this is more depressing but just to say that hey, maybe you will be super close to your sons!
KL says
You’ve gotten some good advice here already. I felt the same way when I found out my second was a boy (he’s 4 now). Frankly, there are still some days when I mourn that I will not have that mother daughter relationship with a daughter of my own. But, I will say that it’s pretty special to watch the brotherly relationship between my boys. And I take some solace in the fact that my husband (and his brother) are both very close to their mother. It’s not really about whether the child is a boy or girl; it’s ultimately more about the individual child’s personality in terms of whether he or she is close to his/her parents. Still, I understand how you feel, and know that it’s not uncommon to feel that way.
Anon says
+1 to all of this. I think I have a better-than-average relationship with my mom, but there is a dramatic, high-conflict element to our relationship that I think is much more rare in mother-son relationships. Sure, in some sense we’re closer than my husband and his mom (we talk more frequently and things like that) but mother-son relationships often have a peacefulness to them that mother-daughter relationship are missing.
And I know a family that had four children because they really wanted a boy (fourth and last child was a boy). The boy grew up to identify as female and now they have four daughters. Obviously most people are not transgender, but it can help to remember there really are no guarantees.
Anon says
Oops meant to be a +1 to the Anon at 11;07 but this is good advice too!
ElisaR says
i had the same reaction as you. now 2 years out i’ve moved past it and I still think about it once in awhile but mostly i’m just too exhausted from life to sit with anymore….. it’s a totally valid reaction to mourn what might have been….
Boston Legal Eagle says
I get this. I have two boys too and sometimes I think about what could have been. Definitely true that there are no guarantees one way or the other but from another angle, I always think about my husband (second son) and how grateful I am that he was born and that if he were born a girl I would not have met my best friend in the whole world and who truly made my life 100% better. I.e. my relationship with him has given me more than my relationship with my parents (who are great in their own way). Of course, again there are no guarantees that my kids will do this for their future spouses but it’s nice to think about!
Anon says
Just remember that your feelings are valid; there are only problems when you handle those valid feelings in counterproductive ways*; and you won’t feel this way forever.
*My mother has said for years that she “always wanted sons,” and trust me, it’s said in a way that is a knock on me for lacking a Y chromosome. Just don’t do that to your sons.
shortperson says
my mom died 10 years ago and it was really important to me to have daughters. so i get it. i have a friend whose mom died a few years ago and was upset to find out she’s having a boy. so first acknowledge that this is normal and there is mourning mixed in with all of it. but really the stuff i fondly remember doing with my mom — reading books, baking, going to museums — i would do with boys or girls. just do things with them you enjoy that keeps the memory alive and you’ll be ok. if you are close with them as they grow you may gain daughters eventually if they grow up to marry women.
Spirograph says
Hugs. If you do get to a place where you feel comfortable talking about it, I think you will find people are very understanding and empathetic. I feel like lots of people have a (maybe unconscious) vision of what their ideal family looks like, and many, many of them have a family that looks different from that ideal. Acknowledging and mourning the dream that wasn’t to be can exist alongside celebration of and love for the family you have.
Anonymous says
I wanted a girl and have two boys (and we are done having kids). So I understand your feeling. But I just have to share that my 4 yo asked me yesterday “How do you choose if you are going to have a boy or a girl?” And when I said you don’t get to choose, he said, “So, you just have to wait and see if they have short hair or long hair?” haha.
Cb says
Potty training from cloth? I’m taking 4 days to try and potty-train at home but what do I do about nursery if he’s not consistent after the time at home?? Send him in pull-ups so he can get them down himself? He can push down his trousers and take off his nappy but not sure if he can do it in a hurry.
Nursery is hippy dippy and I don’t know how rigid they’ll be about reminders so I want to set him up for success if I can.
GCA says
Training underwear and send in many pairs of backup trousers? I think the thick padded training underpants are sufficiently like cloth diapers that kiddo shouldn’t be too confused. That’s what we did with kid 1 who was cloth diapered at home…
Anonymous says
+1 for thick training underwear. It slows down the mess. You can also buy pull-on waterproof covers to go over the training pants, but I gave up on those because they all leaked around my kid’s skinny legs.
Anonymous says
Just send lots of extra changes of clothes. Our kids all had at least one accident a day in the first week or two, then a couple accidents a week for the next month before it stuck. Just make a habit of packing three changes of undies/pants in his bag.
rosie says
Make sure you send extra shoes with the clothes…
Anon says
We just sent our kids in underwear with plenty of spare changes of clothes, plus a cloth diaper for naps. Our (non-hippy) daycare ended up asking for disposable pull-ups for walks before they were reliably able to hold it for the 2 hours they’d be outside away from toilets, with the theory that it was something clearly different from their usual cloth diaper and would be a reminder that they should try to keep it dry.
Also, daycare teachers really don’t want to clean up puddles, so I suspect they will be on top of reminders as needed.
Anonymous says
For reminders, how about a potty watch?
AwayEmily says
Have you asked the daycare teachers? Our kids’ current daycare strongly discourages pullups and just wants you to send a whole bunch of extra clothes/shoes, while their former one required pullup until fully trained. It’s also good to have a very clear conversation with the teachers before starting training so you can tell your kid what to expect while at school (will he get regular reminders? is there a potty seat for him to use? how should he tell his teacher if he has to go?). Also set aside time to chat with them after training so you can inform them of any special circumstances (if he has a “tell” before he has to go, if he does better with regular reminders, etc).
Anon says
What’s the best way to push back on daycare saying your kid has a fever? I don’t know what’s going on, but somehow our daycare is getting temperature readings that are clearly wrong. Twice now, we’ve gotten calls that our kid had a 103 temperature in the ear and we had to go get her ASAP. The first time, we took her home and she was running a low grade fever (100.7 rectally) so even though their reading was clearly off we were fine keeping her home the next day. This most recent time, I got her home and measured her ear temp as 99.1 and rectal temp as 99.7 – neither is a fever. She did appear fussier than normal, and woke up crying once overnight, so we took her to the ped this morning, who also got a normal temperature (98.5 in the ear) and said she has a mild ear infection that should clear on its own (we have an Rx for antibiotics just in case). I want to send her back to school tomorrow – because she seems to be on the mend and ear infections aren’t even contagious anyway – but I’m worried that at the first sign of lethargy or fussiness they’ll take her temperature and send her home with a “103 degree fever.”
I’m a first time mom and they obviously have way more experience with childcare than I do, so I feel weird telling them they’re wrong but….clearly they’re wrong.
XStitcher says
I don’t have any great advice, but you have my sympathy! This happened to us, too. It actually got to the point where I was convinced on those days that they were understaffed for some reason or decided that she was just too much to handle there (she was a happy spitter and was constantly spitting up on everyone and everything). I started having the pediatrician’s office send their summary over showing their temperature readings when I took her immediately after getting the call to pick her up. I also started to preemptively tell them what her temp was at home before daycare drop-off because they started to seem like they were insinuating that I was bringing her to daycare with a high temp. What ultimately stopped this was her moving into the next classroom from the infant room around 10 months. There are more kids and more active kids, and my assumption is that the new teacher just doesn’t have time to be worrying about a little fussiness to be taking a temp constantly. Maybe it is a coincidence, maybe not. We also had a problem where daycare was reporting a temp that was just under the 100.1 cutoff for pickup and still asking us to pick her up. So, I obtained an authorization form for them to give her Tylenol, and when she was fussy and running a less than 100.1 degree temp, they just gave her the Tylenol.
Anonymous says
We had a daycare teacher that would send our baby home for anything (like loose stools in a baby that doesn’t eat solids). She ended up leaving which solved it for us. She left child care. I don’t think she wanted to take care of babies.
But our plan has been to speak to the director next. We have an advantage in that he was our second in the center, so we had a good relationship with the director.
I would start by mentioning that it seems like their thermometer is wrong (said in a nice neutral way).
Anon says
Could you bring a very accurate thermometer with you to daycare the next time this happens? Measure your child’s temperature right then, show that it’s 99.1 or whatever, and ask why their measurements are so far off.
Anonymous says
I have found that specific advice from a doctor that the child can be at school can override the General worry from the daycare teachers that the child is too sick to be at school. I’d explain that you took your child to the doctor, doctor said it was a mild ear infection that would clear on its own and that she was okay to come to school today. If you get another call about a “103 fever”, ask them to wait 30 minutes and do another reading because you noticed last time there was a significant difference in the readings you got immediately after you got her home.
Anonymous says
Does my kid need to wear anything different when he starts crawling (like shoes)? Right now he’s generally in zip-up footies. He’s just starting to crawl.
Anonymous says
Nope, unless day care requires shoes outdoors.
Anon says
Nope, we didn’t do shoes until she was walking confidently.
Anon says
I didn’t start shoes until my kiddo was walking (and walking well). We mostly used grippy socks or barefoot (depending on location and temp) for the cruising stage.
ElisaR says
we loved Robeez… our daycare told me when I should buy real shoes for my son (right when he was starting to push himself up to stand) and i was kinda embarrassed it hadn’t occurred to me but was happy they told me!
anon says
i did not do shoes until my twins started to pull themselves up/it became warmer outside and they started to do more outdoor crawling on playgrounds, etc. they had some knock off zutano booties from amazon that we used this time of year if their feet were chilly, but generally they were barefoot 95% of the time
Anon says
We did socks/footed pjs or booties if outdoors in cold weather until my kids were about to take their first independent steps, and then we bought them shoes. It was helpful to have something soft but weather-resistant once they wanted to walk assisted around playgrounds, so we had booties with leather bottoms for that.
Anonymous says
Posted on the weekend post and got some good responses, but wanted to open it up to the larger weekday crowd…advice on what I (37 year old mother) should wear to Disneyworld next week? Generally I mean – I can check the weather forecast on my own. Are most little girls decked out in Disney gear or in normal clothes? My kiddo is four. Thanks!
ElisaR says
good question! i want to go back on the weekend post and check the answers. i’m not a real “DISNEY” kinda person but i bought a mickey t-shirt at target on impulse for our trip this spring.
OP says
RightI I’m about to pull the trigger on a few cute shirts on Amazon for myself.
Clementine says
I personally wear a combination of altheisure and normal cute casual weekend clothes. Big fan of Athleta/Lululemon skorts with tanks and also JCrew’s 4 inch chino short (not too short, not too long).
Whatever I wear, I do try and make sure they’re:
– unlikely to result in any chafing anywhere
– quick drying (lots of rainstorms)
– Something I’ll be happy with how I look in photos.
– Unlikely to result in a wardrobe malfunction from carrying a small child or going on all the rides.
I let my kid wear prettymuch what he wants. We did buy some disney-ish shirts/PJs/toothbrushes ahead of time and then set them up as a ‘present from Lightning McQueen’ or whatever and that was a huge hit. Also, would much rather pay $2 at Target for a toothbrush than $30 at the Mouse.
Anonymous says
If you do not want to do the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, it wouldn’t hurt to bring a princess dress along in case your daughter wants to wear it.
Quail says
Athleisure. When I was at Disney, there were many people in matching Disney-themed outfits – not my jam, but it does add to the magic. It would have been fun to have some themed clothing but not essential for me.
My almost-four year old boy did not care that he did not have mouse ears or Disney themed gear, but he’s not picky about clothes. I did almost buy him ears though when we were there because when in Rome…glad I spent the money on Cars-themed stuff instead because he loves Cars and wears that all the time, and wouldn’t have worn the ears once home. So probably a know-your-kid situation! And I’d imagine that more girls are dressed up (Frozen dresses seemed popular) than boys.
NYCer says
I would wear comfortable shoes, normal shorts (whatever that means to you – I wear J. Crew chinos or jean shorts usually) and a tank top or t-shirt. I don’t own any Disney t-shirts and wouldn’t buy any for the occasion, but if you want to, you would absolutely not feel out of place at all. I also wear shorts all the time, but if you are more into sun dresses or leggings, you also would not look/feel out of place.
Basically, anything goes… Have fun!
Katarina says
My MIL bought the whole family Disney tee shirts. I never would have bought one myself, but I was happy to have it while I was there, it made it more fun. I did laundry while there so I wore it twice. I don’t get a lot of use out of it otherwise, but I still think it was worth it.
Also, make sure to bring a jacket or sweater and long pants for everyone. I went in March several years ago and, even though I checked the weather forecast, it was colder than predicted, and I needed to make an emergency trip to Disney Springs for warmer clothes.
GCA says
Thanks to everyone who gave me Portland recommendations! We ate our way around Portland with our friends (went to OTTO twice on the kids’ request, the other mom and I hit up Eventide for oysters and wine, and one of my children demolished two donuts in a single sitting), went sledding, did the children’s museum, and watched an unexpectedly good children’s play. For a long weekend with a gaggle of small children on different nap schedules, it was very productive.
Visitors says
Any thoughts on when I’ll feel up for overnight visitors (non-family) after my first baby is born? A friend just asked to visit with her husband 5-6 weeks after baby’s anticipated arrival. Not a friend whom I’d either expect to nor feel comfortable asking to cook or clean, so definitely some entertaining responsibilities required. We do have a cleaning person and my mom nearby to provide help, and husband would be fine to take them out solo to entertain them.
Lily says
No, this is a terrible idea. Maybe when baby is 3-4 months old.
Anonymous says
I’d push it out. But still at least 2 weeks before your return to work. “Can’t wait to see you. Unfortunately, Suggested Date doesn’t work for our schedules. What about Alternative Date instead?’
tk says
In my experience, weeks 3 – 8 are among the hardest with a newborn – they pretty much just sleep for the first 2 weeks. I was barely able to care for self / baby during those times because of sheer exhaustion – I self-imposed a driving ban after I (1) forgot to strap the baby into the carseat (twice) and (2) accidently bumped the wall of my garage when I mixed up the gas / brake petal.
If they aren’t the kind of friends who will help on their own or upon your request, this is a terrible time to add additional responsibilities to your plate, even with mom and spouse around to assist. Agree you should wait a while before hosting guests.
Anonymous says
I agree they are hard weeks. Plus lots of cluster feeding due to frequent growth spurts. So if you’re nursing you have a ravenous baby at your chest most of the day. Also scientifically crying peaks at 6-8 weeks.
Anonymous says
Eh, I’d be fine for a 2 hour visit from non-family members but I wouldn’t let anyone stay overnight. Honestly I wouldn’t have a friend stay overnight until baby was like 6 months old. You’re going to be getting up a ton at night at 5 weeks and you’ll need daytime naps or at least periods of rest. And what if baby arrivesv7-10 days past your due date, which is very possible! Then it’s a 4 week old. And not to be too graphic but you’ll still be bleeding. And if you have a c-section you may still be in pain.
Anonymous says
Friend needs to stay in a hotel. That takes a lot of gall to ask, honestly.
Nan says
If they don’t have kids of their own, they may really just not know/understand what they are asking.
Anon says
+1
NYCer says
I had objectively “easy” babies and I agree. I would absolutely tell them to stay in a hotel.
Anon says
My baby would cry and be fussy for long periods during that time and it’s no fun to have people who aren’t close family watching you struggle to soothe a baby for hours on end. Unless these people are baby whisperers who can actually help take the load off I would push back to 4 months plus.
Anon says
They should get a hotel or wait until the baby is about six months old.
Anonymous says
Hard to predict, but definitely not at 5-6 weeks. They either need to get a hotel or wait to plan the trip until you feel ready–as in, you are already ready for overnight guests at the time when they start suggesting dates, not just that you think you’ll be ready by the time they arrive.
Anon says
I was still a physical mess around 6 weeks. I had an awful delivery, which I would never wish on anyone… but until you deliver you don’t know how it’s going to go or what kind of recovery you’ll need. Push it out. Way out – 3-4 months sounds perfect for a first time mom. Second time around I might be more comfortable closer to 2-3 months, assuming delivery is easier.
Anon says
Missed the detail about them being people you’d have to entertain/wouldn’t expect to be helpful. Add 4-6 months to each of my responses. Hard pass.
CPA Lady says
The only friend I would allow to visit me at that point would have to be someone who had multiple kids who was really really aware of what babies are like and is excellent with them. No way in actual heck would I make the normal stressful exhaustion of waking up multiple times a night to a wailing infant even more stressful by being worried about the baby waking high maintenance house guests. Also, you will probably not want your husband gone to entertain these people while you’re at home alone with the baby.
A good solid age to have people visit would probably be somewhere in the 6-8 month range. That’s when babies are at their cutest IMO.
Butter says
I would add to the chorus with an emphatic no. I still regret allowing relatives to visit us at 6 weeks postpartum, let alone friends. The constant breastfeeding, crazy schedule, and general level of chaos both mentally and physically is a recipe for a disaster. If you’d like to remain friends with them and/or remain married to your husband, I’d do a hard pass.
Visitors says
Thanks, all! I do not like feeling vulnerable around people I’m not very, very close with so agree that it makes sense to hold off. Thanks for the encouragement to push back.
Nan says
I agree with all of the responses so far. If these people don’t have kids, they probably just don’t know/understand what they’re asking, so I think it’s right to assume good, if misplaced, intentions here.
Also keep in mind that the baby could potentially be 1-2 weeks late (as my first was), and therefore that much younger when their trip rolls around. I’d be a hard (but kind) no on this.
Anonymous says
This. Is this a “we’re passing through the area, it would be great to see you, can we stay with you for a night?” kind of visit, or are they coming specifically to visit you?
If they’re coming to visit you, I’d push that whole thing back to 6 months (and probably still suggest staying in a hotel at that point, honestly). If they’re passing through, I miiiiight tell them it’s OK but be very clear that they should check with me the week prior to confirm and I reserve the right to change my mind literally up to the day they arrive.
TheElms says
I went to visit my very best friend from college after her first was born at about 8 weeks (for the weekend from out of town) and still stayed in a hotel.
Anon says
If you’re breastfeeding, at least 3 months. If they want to see the baby, they start getting cute/playful around 4 months.
Knope says
Shopping help! I am attending a wedding at the end of March, when I’ll be about 14 weeks pregnant. Judging by my last pregnancy, that will be the time where I just look larger/more bloated than usual, without an actual bump yet. Any tips on what style of dress I should look for? I’ll be telling people I’m pregnant by then so I’m not trying to hide it, I just don’t want to look frumpy.
rosie says
Congrats! Many people find that they pop earlier in subsequent pregnancies, so honestly I’d probably go for a maternity dress. Body con may emphasize whatever bump you have by that point if you want to look obviously pregnant.
Anon says
+1. You may very well be showing, and I’d emphasize the bump if you’re ready to tell.
ElisaR says
+2. my 2nd experience was so different than my 1st.
Anon says
I know that only children have been discussed here a few times. Is there anyone who has or was an only who also doesn’t have any cousins? I’m an only child and my husband’s only sibling is single and having permanent birth control put in place this week, so our only child will not have biological cousins. We’ve been pretty firmly one and done, but for some reason this “no cousins” thing is really freaking me out. I don’t know why! I have three cousins but am not close to any of them and now only have contact with one, who, quite frankly, I could take or leave. And our child is growing up with a local grandmother, which I didn’t have. I guess it just feels kind of scary to know that once my generation is dead, my kid will have no biological family.
Em says
We are one and done. My sister has 3 kids but she moved away right after she had her first. We see them a couple times a month but I am not holding out hope that they are going to have a super close relationship with my son. At any rate, they have each other and will likely be closer with each other than they would be with my son. My husband’s sister has had fertility issues for years combined with financial issues so it is unlikely he will have any cousins on that side. There is no guarantee he would get along or be close to a sibling if he had one, and having another child we don’t want just to give our son a sibling he may or may not like or be able to rely on is not a good reason to have another kid. I actually did grow up very close with my cousin. She basically lived with us every summer because her mom worked and my mom was a SAHM so she was almost like another sister. She lives 20 minutes from us and our sons are less than 2 months apart, but we see her maybe 4 times a year. She is a flaky and totally obsessed with her husband’s family, so anytime we invite her to do something she already has plans with them. Family doesn’t always guarantee a support system.
Anonymous says
A couple times a month is a lot! My kids only see their cousins 4ish times a year, but they still have a pretty good relationship.
Lily says
Well, when your generation is dead, your kid will likely have kids of his/her own! So it’s not true that they won’t have any biological family. And even if they decide not to have kids, they will likely have a partner. Plus they may partner up with someone who has siblings/nieces/nephews.
I’m an only child of two only children. So I never had any first cousins. I turned out fine!
NYCer says
I am an only child with lots of cousins…none of whom I am even remotely close with as an adult. I wouldn’t worry about no cousins!
shortperson says
obviously ymmv but here’s my take: my mother was an only child with no cousins on one side and cousins on the other side that were estranged due to craziness in my grandparents’ generation. my mother was ok as a kid without cousins but as she became older it she missed the extended family. she married into my dad’s large family and adopted them as her family and had four kids so that we would have a larger family. when she died relatively young it was sad that she had zero family to report it to. my dad’s siblings came to her funeral but there was no one there with no stories of her youth from siblings, cousins, etc. she had lots of friends as an adult but when she was dying there was only one one childhood friend that was involved. that whole branch is dead now that she is and it’s hard on me and my siblings.
obviously this is not to guilt you. i would love to have my kids have more siblings but we just cannot swing more than two. but i insisted on two.
rosie says
Just wanted to gently point out that while obviously biology is a thing, I think there’s still a lot to be said for chosen family. I grew up with my mom’s BFF as my “aunt” (and her kids as my “cousins”) and am closer with her than my aunts and uncles to whom I am related by blood (some of which I have basically gone no contact). I know some people put a lot of stock into doing anything for those to whom you are biologically related, etc., but IME that can lead to toxic behavior in some cases. So totally get that this is scary and sad and I don’t want to minimize those feelings, but want to offer this perspective in case it’s helpful.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Me again. I’m an only child with a cousin who lives far away so I essentially have no relationship with him. I have a small extended family in general, but also live far away from them other than my parents. I mean, I have my problems but I think I turned out ok regardless! I have a great relationship with my spouse and have a few really close friends (a lot of whom are also only children). Do I wish that I had the loving extended family that you see in the movies where they gather for all of the holidays and are best friends? Yes, but that’s not the reality for a lot of people. I know people who are very close to cousins and others who attended family events as kids but now don’t have much of a relationship.
FTMinFL says
Paging Anonanonanon and all of you helpful ladies who offered suggestions for making my LO’s colonoscopy prep and procedure days go smoothly. He did great and we have a path forward! Thank you for your support.
In case anyone searches for something similar in the future, here were the best tips and takeaways from you ladies and from our experience:
1. Flushable wipes and A&D ointment for prep day. We didn’t end up needing the ointment, but I can see how it could have been useful if the clean out didn’t go as quickly.
2. Popsicles popsicles popsicles! LO thought it was such a treat to get to eat as many popsicles as he wanted. He didn’t ask for real food until dinner time.
3. Food party. Credit for this one goes to my little guy: when I told him he couldn’t have what his sister was eating for dinner, he suggested that we make a list of all the foods he missed and then have a food party after the procedure the next day. We had chocolate, chick-fil-a, tacos, black beans, gummy bears, and chocolate-covered strawberries. Having something to look forward to seemed to help him, plus he invited all of the hospital staff to his party the next day and they thought it was adorable!
4. Puzzles and screen time were great distractions during the process, but by the late afternoon after he was “cleaned out” we were able to ride scooters and bikes outside around the block. Between the popsicles and gatorade he was not lethargic like I was afraid he would be.
5. Working from home on prep day probably won’t work. We front-loaded the miralax and ex lax in the morning in the hope that he would be able to take his normal early afternoon nap (he did!), but there was definitely no working when he wasn’t napping.
6. Kids are way more resilient than I give them credit for. My guy is four years old and nothing about this seemed to faze him. He even told me yesterday that, “that day I got to have all those popsicles was really fun!”
Anon says
LOVE No. 6. You’re doing a great job, mama!
Newborn Photos says
Talk to me about newborn photos. How old was your kid when you had them done? Did you and your partner participate (dressed up, appeared in photos)? When did you do a second round, maybe 6 months or a year?
Most importantly, do you think they are worth it?
I’m torn between wanting to capture the tiny newborn phase that disappears so fast, and waiting until he is an older baby to have more active and cute pictures. This is our first so I have no experience as to what’s realistic. Let’s also assume that I’m not willing to do newborn, 6 month, and 1 year pictures. Maybe willing to finance 2 rounds in the first year of professional photos at most, though more likely just the 1 set.
Anonymous says
I would wait until he’s old enough to sit up and smile, and has started to look like himself.
Quail says
We skipped newborn photos with both our kids. A few reasons – 1, did not want to spend the time to find someone trustworthy and had read some article about unsafe newborn photographers 2, newborns are not that cute (IMO), and 3, I did not want to get professional photo-ready. Also, we took about ten zillion pictures of both kids anyways so it’s not like the moment wasn’t captured.
We took family pictures with our first when he was 9-10 months and the pics turned out SO cute. They turned out cute even though he was crying and fussy almost the whole time, which was unusual for him. We’ll do the same with our second. I think babies are cutest 6-12 months anyways (to echo what someone said above), and you can see some personality.
Eek says
I’ve never heard of safety issues with newborn photographers. What specifically was the article warning about?
Anonymous says
Not the person you’re responding to, but some of the poses in very-posed newborn photography are very dangerous if the photographer doesn’t know what they’re doing, and many require excellent photoshop skills to achieve, to edit out the support required to, for example, hold a baby’s head up.
https://apnpi.com/newborn_safety/
Anonymous says
I loved our newborn photos of DD and found the money was worth it. Our photographer was very experienced (like shoots 5 days/week) and they came out gorgeous. We did them on day 9 and I do admit it was exhausting. Then I did a one year old cake smash session. For DS we just did family fall mini-session when he was 2 months and these were done in time for Christmas cards.
Anon says
We paid $100 at the hospital for a photographer to come to our room and take photos. The photographer must have done magic because we all look rested and happy. I love having the photos documenting that moment when everything if filled with hope and before the restless nights took a real toll. There is absolutely no way we would have done it in the next three months, it was all just too hard.
Anon says
I skipped newborn photos, and have zero regrets. However, I’m a decent photographer with a DSLR, so professional photos are more about getting nice family photos than nice photos of just the baby, and I was in NO state to be photographed at 7-14 days postpartum (the recommend window for newborn shoots) and know I would have hated any photos with me in them, so it would have defeated the purpose.
We did a family photoshoot when my daughter was 3 months, and I thought that was perfect timing. I looked great, the baby was smiling and giggling, but still very new, and the photos really captured that tiny, helpless baby stage. We did them again at 9 months, but she was much more grown up then (sitting up, starting to crawl, etc.) and honestly the photos are not great because she didn’t want to sit still for the photographer and cried when we held her down.
If you’re only doing professional photos once or twice in the first year, I would do them sometime in the first 6 months to capture the baby stage, but I wouldn’t do them right away. Babies are (imo) so much cuter once they can smile and are a little more alert.
MomAnon says
I did a low budget set in the hospital with the hospital photographer (I want to say maybe $200, which in my HCOL area is “low budget”). It was sentimental in the moment and in hindsight I’m SO GLAD I did because kiddo was less than 24 hours old, the photos came out great (plain white background, nothing crazy), but those days were a blur and I have totally forgotten what she looked like at that point and these are so much better than my cell phone / how I could have posed her. We did another set for her christening, when she was about 7 weeks old, which I love because DH and I are dressed up and in them, but I look more “myself” than I did in the earlier weeks. Maybe that was $400 for an hour of posed and candid shots in our home. DD also has more of a personality in those photos than a sleeping newborn photo. We did holiday photo of just her at about 6 months (just happened to be the way her birthday fell). This was a “mini shoot” where the photographer charged I think $75 for a 20 minute session. Photos are adorable and the price point was perfect. We did a “family shoot” on vacation in Hawaii when she was about 9 months. I think it was maybe $50 and you bought whichever photos you want – through a phtoographer at our resort. In hindsight, we could have done without those but it was such a fun family vacation I got caught up in the moment and whatever, they came out nice. Then, we did another photo shoot with DH and I thrown in at 1 year at our local park for maybe $400 again. I love all of them and I love how we captured her personality and “look” at the different ages and stages. Plan to do the same with our next kiddo (though his age will be different for the holidays and he will probably be with his sister). I recognize that these may be overkill for some and am not suggesting that you need to do all of this, but wanted to point out different options. Also, in my area, “newborn shoots” with the baby sleeping in a bucket or whatever (adorable!) can run about $1,000 so I feel like I apportioned the funds in a slightly different way and still got a variety of lovely family and baby photos.
Anonymous says
We got them done when both kids were under 2 weeks old. We did lifestyle, though– not posed newborns. I adore the pictures and would redo them, no question. You could look into hiring a budding photographer to take pictures of whichever age you decide is your second priority. Or even ask a friend with a good grasp of photography.
Anonymous says
I would do the newborn photos. And be in them. I didn’t for any of my three kids and I really regret it. It’s just nice to have a great set of pictures from a special time. You may look tired and will still have pregnancy weight but that’s part of it. I vote newborn and 1 year pictures. They are still cute and babyish at one year. Six month pictures are much more variable. My oldest was an early crawler and late sitter so it was hard to get good pictures of her sitting until around 9 months.
Anonymous says
My in-laws gave us a newborn photo session as a gift (photographer came to our house when baby was about 2 weeks old), and I thought it was very silly and not worth it at the time. However, the pictures are adorable and we have a couple of great shots of the three of us together, which we used for our holiday card and have framed. I will say our 6-month old right now is incredibly cute and full of personality, and I wish we could have a photo session now as well. I think if you’re only doing one within the first year, waiting a while is a good idea.
SC says
I didn’t get newborn photos, other than the hospital ones, and I wish I had. Baby was a preemie, and he kinda looks like a sleepy alien in the hospital photos. After we left the hospital, he hadn’t developed his suck/swallow reflex, wasn’t gaining enough weight, and had jaundice. We were going to the pediatrician for daily weigh-ins for 2 weeks, and I was nursing and bottle feeding and pumping, which took up 1 hr 40 min of every 2 hours. So… photos weren’t exactly my priority. But then things smoothed out, and he went through a super cute stage around 4-5 weeks (when he would have been full term), and I wish we had some professional photos of that. Oh well.
We did family photos around 6 months, for Christmas cards, and I love having them.
Anon says
We did the newborn pictures that the hospital offered. They were something like $150 for the digital album, decent quality and just the infant in them. And importantly, I did not need to go anywhere – they came to our room, had a little trunk full of props and cushions, etc. I had no desire to be in any of them. I then did formal 3, 6, 9, 12 and 18 months photos (because my mother did those ages and stages for me and all my sisters, so it’s fun to have the comparison). In order to keep this reasonable, we did photos through our local penneys – with a 2-year membership ($30) and a coupon it’s typically around $75-100 for the digital album and sitting fees are waived. I am also a decent photographer myself, so I took monthly photos for the first year which also came out great. I am not personally a fan of lifestyle photos, so the studio option was preferred for both aesthetics and price.
2 Cents says
We did newborn photos in the hospital because it was an option there and love the 8(?) that came out of that session. Haven’t done any professional ones since and LO is 22 months. (Mostly because we have 5k between 2 iPhones.)
ElisaR says
for me they are not worth it. photos when you start to recognize their face at 8 months or so….. golden!
Anonymous says
I’m really glad we did newborn photos (at about a week old) with both our kids. Both were family sessions that included me and my husband, and our toddler for the second session. I arranged both sessions before the births and did nothing postpartum to prepare for them except put on makeup and style my hair and wait for the photographer to show up. I’m glad I have some photos with my newborn babies where I don’t look like death, and it took some of the pressure of me to capture those early days on camera knowing we already had done really great shots. We also have a family session with a photographer ever fall, so got some “updated” professional shots of our first when he was 7 months and our second when she was 10 months.
Anon says
Those of you who were on the fence about having a second child, what pushed you one way or another? I’m 37 and we have a four year old who is delightful and bright. I’m completely satisfied with this child and I don’t see any need for another. My husband wants to have a bigger family. I don’t understand his reasons very well, I think it’s just how he imagined his life as an adult. He has a hard time articulating any actual “reasons”. We both work and we’re both tired every day. I see very little room for the huge additional work that another child would bring. What did you do?
Anonymous says
Whoever wants fewer children wins.
anne-on says
+1. I think the advice columns call this the two yes one no situation?
We’re one and done, for lots of time and health related reasons, and we’re perfectly happy with that, but neither my husband or I ever felt like we ‘needed’ a big family. If you do decide not to have another maybe some individual (for your husband) or couples therapy to talk about those feelings of loss might be helpful?
Anonymous says
Our second was a surprise, so I can’t help on that, but we just had a very similar conversation as to whether to go for 3. We decided to, and I’m newly pregnant and still crossing my fingers that it was a good choice. :) (I was you in our situation, husband was your DH). I do empathize with their POV– it can be hard to have a “solid” reason, sometimes it is just a gut feeling that your family isn’t complete yet. Or “our kid is so wonderful and perfect, of course I want another!”
It’s not novel advice, but the trick of imagining what you want your Thanksgiving table to look like in 5, 10, 20 years really did help me. I come from a family of 3 kids, so that felt “right” to me. I also knew my DH is a 101% coparent– he definitely does more around the house than I do. And since he was the one pushing for #3, he was particularly motivated to do all the things when baby got here (and now, as I’m wallowing in first trimester nausea and exhaustion).
Our kids are closer in age than yours would be, which I think both helps and hurts. Your oldest would be more independent and capable of helping out, while my first two are close enough in age they really do play together, easing our burden of entertaining them. It also was less starting over for us, as my #2 is still in diapers and my #1 is not a great sleeper.
Imagine you got a PPT– how do you feel? How important is it to your DH for #2– is it a “really really really want” or a “would be nice”? How much would it change your life logistically– would it dramatically tighten your budget? Would you “need” a new house or car?
Anonymous says
A second child doesn’t change your life in the way that a first child does. Age 4 is also great in that they are still close enough in age to play together but at age 4 they are also much more independent. I love seeing the kids play together and the relationship that they have. I enjoy the relationship I have with each child. I have no illusions about lifelong friends as my sister and I are cordial but not close.
Anon says
I disagree that this is universally true. Quite a few of my friends have told me “One is like one, two is like ten.” I think it depends on how easy each kid is, and an easy first does not seem to predict an easy second (and likewise about a difficult first not necessarily predicting a difficult second).
Anonymous says
I have three including one with a significant medical issue so I guess I always think of two as easy?
Anonymous says
Going from one to two was much harder than zero to one for us. But we had pretty boring lives even as DINKs and our first kid didn’t really change our lives much at all. We just threw her in the carrier or carseat and did whatever we wanted to do. It seems like most people find one transition much harder than the other, so if going from zero to one was a huge adjustment for you than adding a second might not be such a big deal.
Anon says
I don’t know if I qualify as on the fence, because I conceived my first absolutely 100% sure we were one and done. While I was pregnant I actually encouraged my husband to get a vasectomy during the “no gardening” period after baby #1, but he didn’t feel ready for that so we waited and then I fell totally in love with my child and with being a mom, so we did end up briefly contemplating a second. We’ve decided against a second for now (oldest is 3) but probably won’t do anything permanent for at least a year or two, if ever. I wouldn’t terminate if I got accidentally pregnant.
The biggest factors for us were:
1) Our lives with one are just so simple and easy, I know that a second child would disrupt that, even if they were objectively as easy as our first (no guarantee of that either, since our first has been a ridiculously easy baby and toddler). My close friends all have 2+ and I just feel like their lives are much more chaotic and stressful than mine, and that they get much less alone time because they often divide up the kids. I’m extremely introverted and need my alone time, and I love that when my preschooler is with my husband, I’m totally alone!
2) My husband and I both love toddlers and preschoolers more than babies and it’s so much fun getting to have adventures and really soak up our child’s preschool years with museum trips, kid’s plays and family vacations and stuff like that. A second baby would mean we’d get to do less stuff with our first, which made us both sad. I know that eventually our kid won’t want to spend time with us, so I like getting to really enjoy her during the years when she thinks we hung the moon, you know?
3) Finances – we could afford two children, but it would involve cutting back on luxuries like travel, and also we would not be able to pay for private college in full for both kids which for some reason is extremely important to my husband (I personally think this is silly, but since I was more ready to stop at one kid, I didn’t fight him on it). Two in daycare would be more than my salary, for reference (although my husband makes quite a bit more than I do).
4) My health – I developed an autoimmune disease after my first pregnancy that would make future pregnancies higher risk for me as well as the baby. I’m way more careful about risk now that I’m a mom and am not sure the health risks of a second pregnancy are worth it, especially since we don’t feel strongly that we wanted a second.
5) No one in my family or my husband’s family is close to their siblings. At best, the relationships are civil and at worst, people are estranged from their siblings or had abusive siblings. So neither of us really bought into the whole “a sibling is a gift to your child” ideology.
6) I don’t really know what the right timing is – 2 under 2 or even 2 under 3 seems unbearably hard to me, but now that we’re rounding the corner of 3.5 and our child is becoming a lot more independent and able to play alone for long periods of time, I can’t imagine going back to caring for a helpless thing who can’t walk or talk and who needs constant round-the-clock attention.
I think it just boils down to “we love our lives now and don’t want them to change.” 98% of the time we’re really happy with the decision, but it can be hard on occasion. I’m in a more rural part of the Midwest where families skew very Christian and very large, so I feel very weird and am worried my kid will feel weird when she’s older. My two best friends also had their first children within a couple months of my daughter and have both already had their seconds, and I was sad for a bit when our families no longer looked identical, even though I knew I was never going to be able to match them exactly (one of them is now pregnant with #3 and wants a fourth). Also, I know this is irrational and stupid, but I worry that people think I hate my kid because I didn’t have a second. That couldn’t be further from the truth, and I would never want her to feel unloved or like we had one and then decided parenthood wasn’t for us.
AwayEmily says
I have two and I don’t regret it but it really was a huge change from having one, for some of the exact reasons you point out. The other day for a random reason my husband and I were out together with just one kid and it was MAGICAL. We got to really connect with him, we were in the moment and not trying to navigate conflict between the two kids or split our attention. And again, I’m not saying I regret having a second kid (indeed, I would have a third if not for various job-related issues) — but there is something (at least in my experience) more joyful and less utilitarian-survival about life with only one kid.
Anon says
People probably habituate to their situation and don’t necessarily feel that magic with one kid versus two. A parent of an only child sees that as their normal. I am friends with a mom who is one and done, and she gets offended when people imply an only child is easy. She says you still put all of yourself into your child. I see her point.
AwayEmily says
I see her point to some extent (your emotional investment is kinda the same regardless) but on average, two kids ARE more work than one kid from a pure logistics perspective. Two kids who can get sick and need to be picked up from daycare, two sets of clothes to put away, two lunches to make, two carseats to buckle, two tiny humans stealing each others toys. I think that’s what I was getting at with my “magic” comment — not that all times with one kid are magical, but when you have fewer logistics to worry about, you have a little more breathing room for that magic to happen.
(caveat that of course there’s a different kind of wonderful magic that happens watching siblings interact)
Anon says
As a counterpoint, I have only one, and I feel that magic Emily was describing almost every day. We’re constantly doing things that would be difficult to impossible if we had more children (in large part because of finances and my own, perhaps lower-than-normal, tolerance for stress and exhaustion, so this is very specific to our own situation and not a comment on what others can/should do). This is not a knock on big families at all, I know there are advantages to those too and many people feel very drawn to a big Thanksgiving table in their golden years. But there are also advantages to having only one and it’s possible to have a strong appreciation for those advantages even without having a second.
Em says
+1 I agree with this. I’m not insulted when people say that having one child is easier. It is…..that’s literally a part of why we did it. Our lives are awesome and we love going places and doing things with our son that would be a nightmare or not possible with two kids.
Anonymous says
Agree with Em. Someone once told me I wasn’t a “real mom” because I only have one child and that was deeply offensive. As your friend said, we put all of ourselves into our kids regardless of how many we have. But saying my life is easier does not offend me at all. It IS easier! That’s a big part of why I only have one. Just look at the week-in-the-life diaries and you’ll get a sense of how much more downtime there is when you’re only wrangling one kid (at least if we’re talking about children under 5).
Butter says
I was firmly on the one and done train – like driving it and inviting everyone to hop on board – for the first 3 years after my first. Then my first got older and easier, my family got smaller (my parents died), and I read “One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child”, fully prepared to have it validate all my beliefs in being one and done. But something bizarre happened: parts of the book ended up resonating with me but having the opposite effect as intended, and I slowly started to change my mind. And then was more open to it and more open to it, and after much discussion with my husband, who was fine either way, decided to give it a shot for a few months and see how the cookie crumbled. Well now I’m due in May, so c’est la vie. So my only tangible piece of advice is to read the book and see where it leaves you, understanding it is just one piece of a much larger thought process.
Anon says
I had the same experience with that book! It did not make me feel better about having an only.
Anon says
DH is an only child; I am one of three. Our first (and currently only) is best described as a lot. If number 2 is like her, we will be done at 2. In a perfect world, I would have wanted 4. I love big families, the boisterousness, loud holidays, the constantly shifting alliances, etc. We got married late and are too old and tired for that many kids. DH is on board for 2 – we’re on the fence about 3 (and by on the fence he’s a hard no and I’m still considering and told him we shouldn’t make any decisions until we’re there – holding out hope that number 2 will be an “easy” baby and such a contrast that it might change his mind). Notwithstanding our very challenging first, we’re willing to go for #2 for a couple of reasons. We have no physically close young family, and are not great about playdates. Our kiddo really seems to like younger kids and interacting with them – I find myself almost daily saying she needs a playmate (preferably one that is not mama!). DH recalls his childhood being lonely, as his cousins were all cross-country. Secondly, family is important to both of us (and we’re close emotionally with our families), and the thought of kiddo being all alone in this world when we kick the bucket makes me unbelievably sad (wholly irrational I know – she could despise her sibling later in life). The next couple of years are going to be brutal, particularly as we’re beginning those life-changing stages of independence and it will feel like leaps and bounds backwards when we get pregnant again, but when I think about what I want my life to look like 10 or 20 years from now, I want to see lots of little (OK big) independent personalities all laughing, arguing, loving, etc. around a holiday table.
anon says
For me, it was the strong desire to give my child a sibling. My brother is one of my favorite people, and our relationship is something I have cherished from the time I was a little girl, through after college when I came back home for a few years and he was still in high school and we bonded as young adults, until now, when he is a great uncle to my son. I know the typical refrain is that you should only have a second child if *you* want one, but for me it really is both – I want another child, but I also want my son to be a big brother. In my mind, it is one of the few (if not only) close lifelong relationships a person gets, especially nowadays with most people meeting their spouse at an older age, and that has intrinsic value. My DH was on the fence, but knew how important it was to me, so he went along with it. I also do the vast majority of the child care/emotional labor that goes along with that, so I know that won’t change, but I accept it for what it is (my DH works much longer hours than I do). It’s such a hard decision and there are no wrong choices, honestly.
Spirograph says
I was never on the fence about having more than one; I always wanted 3 or 4 kids, and am fortunate that circumstances allowed us to have three (DH vetoed a fourth). I don’t think this is a question you can answer with logic or pros and cons. You can probably figure out what lifestyle changes a second child will entail, but you can’t know how you’ll feel about dividing your time, attention, and financial resources. Like I said in my comment in response to the poster who is expecting a second boy — I really think people have a gut feeling about what their family “should” look like, and sometimes you don’t realize how strongly you felt about it until the door is closing on that possibility. It sounds like your husband just feels like he’s meant to be a father to more than one kid, and you feel like you’re meant to be a mom of an only. Someone’s door is going to close, and I hope you both come to be at peace with whatever choice you make together.
Anonymous says
In some cases though, I think your “gut feeling” about family size is based more on what you think you “should” have rather than what you actually want, and the fact that OP’s husband can’t articulate a reason for wanting two children makes me think he falls into that camp. My husband was the same way. He told me when we were dating that he wanted two kids. When we talked about it in more depth, he couldn’t tell me why. Did he think siblings were an essential part of life? No, he hated his sister. Was he sad thinking about small holiday gatherings in the future? No, he’s not into loud chaotic holiday celebrations. Did he think only children were spoiled? No, he knew lots of nice only children and thought there were many other variables involved with respect to spoiling kids. The more we talked about it, the more he realized that he’d just sort of defaulted to two because that was how many children his family of origin had and is also the most common family size in the US (wanting one or three usually invites more questions or comments, but if you say you want two everyone just nods and smiles). In other words, he felt like he wanted that because that’s what everyone else was doing, not because it was what HE wanted. Not the best reason for having a second kid.
Anonymous says
I was on the fence about having a second because I grew up in a large family where resources, specifically time and money, were scarce and felt that I’d be shortchanging my son, who I already knew and desperately loved, if I divided my resources between him and another child. My husband (an only child) felt very strongly about our son having a sibling. I realized it was easy for me to write off my son “needing“ a sibling as I’d had plenty and taken them for granted, so I had to trust my husband when he said he really wished he’d had a sibling and wanted that for our son. So, we have 2 now, and it’s pretty great. It’s not that much harder because we’d already adjusted to a kid routine (we weren’t ever “throw the baby in the carrier so you don’t miss the bar crawl” folks), and our second was an easy baby. Watching our son and daughter’s relationship grow makes me really, really happy, and our family feels full and complete.
Anon 4 this says
I’m not really sure how to ask this or describe it, but after having your first kid, do you ever go back to feeling like your pre-kid self? Kiddo is almost 9 months and I’m just wondering if how I feel now is my new normal. Life is pretty good with kiddo, kiddo is an easy baby, generally hasn’t been sick, sleeps well, and is happy. I’m still pretty exhausted between my job and looking after kiddo and pets, but its mostly manageable most days. I just don’t feel like me at all. I don’t feel as sharp as I did pre-kid, because of an injury that happened late in pregnancy and I’m still working on resolving (basically I just have to wait to heal), I don’t have the ability to do either of my pre-kid hobbies and even if I did I’m not sure time wise I could fit them in. We also moved late in my pregnancy so a lot of my routines have changed just because of that. I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy, but I also wouldn’t say I’m happy. I just kind of am. Its all just very odd to me and I’m wondering if its just part of the adjustment or if this is just normal for me now.
Anon says
Are you still breastfeeding? A huge mental fog lifted for me when I weaned, and I could suddenly think much more clearly.
Anon 4 this says
No I stopped about a month ago, but my period still hasn’t returned yet. I’m not pregnant, I have checked.
Anon says
It sounds like you have had a lot of changes beyond just a baby, and I would fight harder to allow yourself to do things that make you feel like you. That’s actually an important step in maintaining mental health.
I have a toddler who is a year and a half. I feel less emotional now and am sleeping better which helps. I’ve started working out again and being more social now that my daughter is less needy.
One tough thing for me is that vacations and weeekends rarely feel like a break, and days can feel so long. My husband does help, but sometimes I do look forward to the work week so that I have a break from being in mom mode.
Anon says
Yes, but it took me about three years. I also had an injury going into parenthood and it was exhausting. I didn’t feel better until I’d been doing physical therapy and then yoga and pilates for about two years. I finally feel strong and somewhat resilient again. It’s amazing how much of my mental energy poor physical shape sapped. At that time, I ended up on antidepressants because I was feeling the way you described above. They honestly really really helped and it was the right decision for me then to add mental resiliency.
If I had to do it over, I’d seek qualified help sooner and get the drugs sooner. I went to completely useless physical therapy for a year until I realized it was just not helping. I only realized this after I got the ADs and with their help had enough mental clarity to evaluate my life more objectively. I then found a pelvic floor therapist and was feeling better within months, to the point I could start other exercise which finally helped get me out of the slump. By that time, I had lost a whole lot of muscle and it was much harder than it needed to be.
The other thing that helped me much more than I thought it would is getting some household help. I pay a woman $20/hr to come help me pick up the house once a week. It’s a huge mental load off and it’s not terribly expensive. We also have a biweekly cleaning service. It allowed me to get outside with a stroller at least once a week instead of being sad that my life is now THIS.
Anon says
Kiddo is 2.5 – and I started feeling more like myself around 2. Still not sleeping, but other things have improved.
Started really hitting my groove at work again. We stopped bringing the diaper bag or stroller everywhere, kiddo could play independently for short stints, and I think that allowed me some space to start to feel like myself again. We could do spontaneous outings without planning for an expedition. I think getting married killed more of my hobbies than having a baby did, but by the time she was 2 I could start to rebuild those hobbies again with her. E.g., we went on a family ski trip. She’s still too young to ski, and DH doesn’t ski (he stayed home actually), but grandparents watched her there and we didn’t need to lug 8,000 baby things. Kiddo and I can go on walks together (new hobby for me). Kiddo is starting to be interested in cooking, so I am doing more “fun” cooking again and she is helping. She will on occasion (she’s a stage V clinger) deign to independently watch a movie snuggled up in our bed while we’re downstairs and can watch an adult show or have an adult conversation.
GCA says
That is a lot of transitions and changes all at the same time. I will say I started feeling more like ‘myself’ about 12-18 months after each kid. I moved halfway around the world late in pregnancy with kid 1 and had to really work to build new social networks and hobbies, rebuild my career, etc. It took me a full year and a half after kid 1 was born to adjust, and there was some resentment even amidst the recognition that my husband and I had chosen this adventure together. (I’m not a terribly dramatic person and wouldn’t have described myself as miserable, but I wouldn’t have described myself as happy either, at the time.) All this to say – you are not alone, and it is worth carving out the time for some social activities and hobbies for your mental health.
Spirograph says
When my youngest was around 2. All of the things that go into the physical and emotional reality of having children just take some getting used to. I don’t know that I am the same person I was pre-kids, but I feel like a whole person again, rather than A Mom.
Anon 4 this says
So it seems like 9 months is probably too early to feel like my old self or to have figured out what my new normal is. I think part of the issue is that most of the things that made me me before kiddo, outside of work, I just can’t do at the moment. I have a nerve issue in my arm that is exacerbated by lifting kiddo, pushing the stroller, walking the dog, etc. My injury is not likely to get meaningfully better until I can significantly reduce the amount I lift kiddo, which with a 9 month old is not super feasible. Its just hard sometimes, but at least it seems like hard is common at this stage.
shortperson says
i know that a 9 month old is so different from the little baby you brought home from the hospital — but it’s only been nine months. you still have a baby. i had the same impatience, but it will get way better when he’s not a baby. i felt so chained by having to plan around nap times on the weekends and by carrying all. the stuff. you may never get back to your old hobbies but you will find new ones that fit you now. i hit my groove when my kids were old enough to really participate and appreciate things that i like, so now we do them together and they appreciate me!