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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 105 Comments · by

Everyone Thursday: ‘Siren’ Teardrop Earrings

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Monica Vinader Rose Gold Siren Small Nugget Drop Earrings Blue Lace Agate Women\'sI bought myself these lovely little blue lace agate/rose gold earrings a couple months ago, and I always get compliments on them. They’re the perfect little addition to an outfit — they have a blue glow about them and they look nice against my dark hair. (I think they’d look great with anyone’s hair, for that matter, but Monica Vinader also has a gorgeous green Amazonite pair in a different size and shape.) They’re not too big and not too small — they’re a little dangly for work, as there’s movement in the hanging bit. They’re $195 at Nordstrom. Monica Vinader ‘Siren’ Teardrop Earrings Two lower-priced options are here and here. (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)

Kid/Family Sales

  • Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
  • Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
  • J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
  • Old Navy – 40% off everything
  • Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs

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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!

Comments

  1. Momata says

    Potty training question (truly, this s!te’s FLEECE TIGHTS)! 3yo daughter has been pee trained for about two weeks – no accidents. As with many kids, she won’t poop on the potty. For a while she was just going in her underwear. Then she was saving it for when she got a diaper at nap (home only) and at bedtime. Now she hasn’t gone for two days. I am upping her fiber and fluid intake but was considering putting a diaper on her after dinner instead of at bedtime so she has some time to do her thing. Thoughts? TIA!

    • mascot says

      Once we figured out what the poop schedule was, we did whatever we could to encourage staying on that schedule and making it less stressful. Sometimes a warm bath relaxes them and then you can have some time for sitting on the potty. If she’s not quite ready, then use a diaper a bit longer. It’s slow going, but they will get there.

    • TK says

      I heard somewhere (this site, probably) that having her put on a diaper then sit on the potty to get used to the idea of pooping into a toilet can sometimes work.

      But don’t take potty training advice from me. Took little TK to the zoo last weekend on our first out-of-the-house-in-underwear outing, and he demanded to go into the bathroom 8 times, didn’t actually use the toilet even once, and then he peed in his underwear after I put him in his car seat to drive home.

    • bluefield says

      It takes time. My almost 3 yo is completely trained (no accidents) except for overnight, and for a while (at least a month) she would poop every morning in her diaper. She still does it on occasion, although most poop does make it into the toilet, usually without any prompting. Two weeks is a really short amount of time, I think you just need to wait it out.

      I wouldn’t change the diaper habits. Diaper as normal – you don’t want to make it seem like it’s OK to go in the diaper (obviously don’t shame her but going in the diaper should be at best neutral, not something you aim for). Two days isn’t that long.

      Warm baths did help with getting her to go on the toilet.

    • Anonymous says

      Feed her probiotics and prunes, put a diaper on her and sit her on the potty with the diaper on.

      • EBMom says

        Second the probiotics and prunes. Warm prune juice can get things moving for her.

    • Pigpen's Mama says

      Can her feet touch the floor in her potty (are you using a toddler potty or an insert)? I read that dangling feet make it harder for some kids to poop because they can’t brace their feet.

      • Momata says

        They can. She uses a toddler potty on the first floor and has an insert on the toilet on the second floor but can brace her feet against her stepstool. She just likes to poop standing in a corner. I’m not worried about the time – I’m more worried that she is retaining / refusing to poop, and then will have a painful BM and then will retain more.

    • Anonymous says

      1) Try making the potty private during poop times (most mammals will hide when they need to poop and toddlers are no different.)

      2) Try putting something in front of the potty for her feet. Squatting is more ergonomic. (Wish the Squatty Potty guys made baby potties!)

    • Anon says

      We trained earlier (happy sedicnd birthday! A potty seat!)! So our experience may not be directly relevant, but once we had a rough idea of her schedule, we had a bathroom party. As in, she sat on the toilet and we read books, heck even watched a full Daniel tiger once. She eventually did her thing and we CELEBRATED!!!

      Of note, she was almost immediately poop trained but took a few weeks to understand the “have to pee” feeling. She also would run in a corner to poop (diapers or not) so we had that hint.,,

  2. NewMomAnon says

    Talk to me about suits. In life before child, I always owned a couple suits that made me feel like I had authority. My best bets always seemed to be J. Crew and Ann Taylor. But since having a kid, I have just….struggled with suits. I don’t know if it’s the new body shape (bigger hips, wider ribcage, 10 lbs heavier than my highest pre-baby weight), or if it’s changing styles, or if I have evolved to a stage in my career where I don’t need the suit for authority anymore, but every time I put on a suit, I feel like I’m wearing a costume. They never fit quite right; the waist is a bit big, the pants are too long (I know, tailoring), the knees don’t hit in the right place (how is this a thing?) so the break falls wrong across my shoes, the jackets are huge in the shoulders or can’t button across my ribcage or the arms are way too slim.

    Is there an alternative to suits for times that a lawyer would usually wear a suit (I don’t visit courtrooms; this would be for client meetings and networking events only)? Or are there other brands I should try? I used to be a slim petite, and now I’m a less slim, but still small busted petite. I bounce between size 6P and size 10P, depending on the brand and cut.

    • AwayEmily says

      Suits from Loft (not sold as suits — sold as separates, but same material) have a bit more stretch to them and are less boxy (I know exactly the feeling you mean about suits sometimes feeling costumey).

      I am also a small-busted, narrow-shouldered person and I’ve found that blazers from H&M fit really well. Often I will do a cream H&M blazer, a silk button-down, and black trousers. It passes well in most “suit” environments.

      • NewMomAnon says

        I have a couple really nice blazers that fit well, and a couple pairs of pants/skirts that fit well (and go with the blazers but aren’t matching suit pieces) and I’ve been wondering if I could just start rolling with that ensemble instead of trying to find matching suits.

        • AwayEmily says

          for what it’s worth, I give you permission! Wearing a collared button-down under the blazer (instead of a shell, which I would normally due for a suit) makes it feel a bit more formal/brings it closer to suit territory, as well.

        • HSAL says

          100% yes. I don’t have your body type but I’m also not a suit person – I absolutely think jackets and suiting-type pants and skirts are fine for meetings and networking events. If you were in court I would tell you no. Go forth and separate.

    • bluefield says

      Could you try a more high end brand? I find that my Lafayette 148 clothing always fits well and makes me feel put together. It’s designed for an older woman (I’m 33) and might be more forgiving to a body that’s carried a baby. It is also more expensive so may be tailored better and made with quality, more forgiving fabrics.

    • anne-on says

      So, I would NEVER had suggested this prior to having kids (and being in my mid-30s), but Brooks Brothers really makes some great suits for that size range. Also, their red fleece line is miles ahead of JCrew in terms of quality, but roughly the same price, and much cuter than ‘traditional’ brooks brothers.. Seriously 70% of the work clothes in my closet are now from them. I obviously wait for sales when possible, but I highly suggest checking them out.

      • NewMomAnon says

        Thank you! I’ve always been intimidated by Brooks Brothers, but maybe I should check them out. Also, stores wanting to attract women should reconsider the use of “Brothers” in their name. I assumed it was similar to Tom James, in that they mainly do high end men’s suiting but have added a women’s line as a half-hearted accommodation. Good to know that’s not the case!

        • anne-on says

          If nothing else, the in-house tailors are AWESOME and very reasonable. Having someone right there when you try things on to let you know what can/can’t be tweaked is a huge benefit to me.

        • Pogo says

          +1 to Brooks Brothers and tailoring.

          However I will note that depending on body type, their cut might fit you as is, because it is more forgiving (so it can be tailored). I know this sounds like it would make for a higher frump factor, but I can wear an untailored Brooks Brothers size 8 and it just lays well in a way that most other brands don’t. I might have to go up to a size 10 in Ann Taylor/J Crew, and *then* it actually feels boxy and frumpy because the cut just isn’t right.

        • TBK says

          Well, it was all men’s for a long time. Then they half-heartedly added women somewhere in the 1990s, I think. And they’ve been expanding since. But I’m not totally sure why they should drop “brothers” since it’s an iconic brand.

          • SC says

            Yeah. And I always think of company names with “Brothers” in them as being equivalent to “& Sons.” So, I think of it as trying to project an image of family business/ quality/ conservatism more than “we are for men.”

    • Famouscait says

      I don’t know if this would be appropriate for your work, but I have been feeling similarly. I’ve been searching online for good dresses with long or 3/4 sleeves. And not just a plain, boring dress that you could put a blazer over, but one that looks like it stands on its own, if that makes any sense. I’m waiting on three to arrive from Dillard’s Antonio Melani line. Here’s an example:

      http://www.dillards.com/p/antonio-melani-playing-favorites-mila-square-neck-sheath-dress/506231662?di=04741998_zi_black&categoryId=894&facetCache=pageSize%3D96%26beginIndex%3D0%26orderBy%3D1

      • H says

        I love this! People would definitely ask what was up if I wore this in my business casual office. But I really do like it.

    • AEK says

      What about the dress-with blazer suits? Or skirt suits generally? Otherwise, I frequently wear black or navy woll trousers (why do I hate that work) with a blazer. I like high neck style rather than traditional lapel blazers for that look. (I like button up with high collar but these days there seem to more zip styles and collarless versions). For me, it’s neater and you don’t have to worry so much about what to wear underneath.

    • POSITA says

      Have you tried getting a new bra? I know it sounds crazy, but everything slid south post kids. Pushing the ladies back into the right spot really helps jackets fit better.

      I’ve also been working on my core strength to fix my posture. Pregnancy did a number on how I carry myself, which affects how structured clothes like suits fit.

      • NewMomAnon says

        I didn’t have much by way of bust pre-baby, and am even more diminished now…it’s one of the big challenges for all clothes. If clothes fit in the shoulders and waist, there is SO MUCH fabric in the bust; buttons and necklines gape open, things wrinkle and hang in odd ways. Banana Republic used to be the only store that I couldn’t shop due to lack of bust, and now it’s almost every store. It would take a significant and uncomfortable amount of push-up in a bra to fix the issue, so I’ve opted out of serious bras. I’ll take my wireless, unpadded bralettes, thank you very much.

        • GCA says

          What size are you? I’m 5’4, so not true petite, and anything from a 28C (real, correct size*) to 32A. I probably have similar proportions up top, and I’ve been wearing Coobie one-size bralettes for two and half years now. And I don’t really wear button-down shirts as they hang so oddly. How about sheath dresses? Or jacket + shell + suiting pants?

          *THANK YOU to whomever suggested reddit’s ‘a bra that fits’.

    • shortperson says

      im a similar build and since baby i’ve moved my work wardrobe almost completely to mm lafleur. their washable dresses are very forgiving on my stomach and i find some of them formal enough for any lawyer-with-client situation, often with their “jardigan.” i have multiple “sarah”s and “emily”s.

    • Butter says

      Tailoring. I can’t live without tailoring now. Nothing fits right off the rack, and it.drives.me.nuts. Pants make me rage-y. The extra fabric in the bust kills me, as it is sooo unflattering.

      My biggest win so far has been a visit to Trunk Club. Stylist picked out clothes (I told her I wanted nice basics for a professional work wardrobe) in sizes that 90% fit me. I tried everything on, chose to keep about 30% of what she’d pulled. Then the tailor came over and pinned everything – hems on pants taken up, hems on dresses taken down an inch, waists taken in on pants, pockets sewn shut on pants (they always stick out on me and it drives me nuts), and busts taken in on dresses. Took about 20 extra minutes, and less than two weeks later I received all of my perfectly tailored items in the mail. Beyond hemming I paid for the rest of the tailoring, but the ease of having it all in a one stop shop was priceless to me.

        • Butter says

          Chicago has one, I’m not sure if there are others. Sounds like Brooks Brothers and Nordstrom have tailors on hand as well? I think I’m going to refuse to shop anywhere without one going forward.

          • EBMom says

            Thanks for the response! This might almost be worth a mom-only weekend trip.

    • ChiLaw says

      Wow! I have had the same change. I used to love suits for “yes I am an attorney” (I look unfortunately young, like I still get carded). And now they feel like I’m wearing someone else’s clothes.

      Things I love: dresses with interesting necklines/seaming + sleeves. What Would Alicia Florick Wear? I will try to reply with links.

      If, for work, you do need to wear suit-like-things, may I suggest a sheath dress + jacket? For me, dresses are much easier to wear than pants.

    • P says

      I have seen a few of the female partners at my firm wear toppers (is this the word for a blazer that hits mid-thigh?) with their suit pants and I love the look. I’m tall but it seems to work for the shorter women too. I just splurged on a black, bracelet length Eileen Fisher topper from Nordstrom in an interesting fabric that I think will go with a lot of the pants in my wardrobe. And I won’t have to get it tailored like I would with a fitted blazer.

      I am really flat on top so I hear you on the frustration with sheath dresses. Plus they are always too short on me.

  3. HSAL says

    My kid isn’t into PB&J. She’s 15 months and likes peanut butter when I’m standing in the pantry eating it off a spoon (whoops), but only ever plays with a sandwich. I usually just use one piece of bread and cut it in half so she has two small sandwich squares. Is it the bread? She likes grilled cheese, but we don’t eat anything else with plain bread. Should I cut it into bite-size pieces? I tried that awhile ago and she wasn’t into it, but I could try it again. She likes quesadillas – maybe on a flour tortilla? I realize this is a weird question but I would love to be able to give her PB&J for weekend lunches.

    • bluefield says

      I think 15 months is young for a sandwich. My daughter only really got sandwiches at around 2. Now PB sandwiches are her favorite (don’t tell her about J).

    • AEK says

      Peanut butter on crackers? There are some decent whole-wheat options if you care about that. We also do peanut butter on waffles and English muffins, which somehow are more exciting. You can do it open-face style— messier, yes, but maybe better results.

    • NewMomAnon says

      I started noticing at that age, my daughter would eat the peanut butter off the crackers/bread whatever, but wouldn’t eat peanut butter in a sandwich. So I started giving her bowls of peanut butter for breakfast instead. Worked like a charm. Now she’s starting to understand that peanut butter is good on things (graham crackers, apples, etc). It’s actually been a great relief to have at least one high protein, minimally processed food that she would consistently eat through the picky toddler years.

    • anne-on says

      Sandwiches are tough at that age. I totally gave my kiddo mini bowls of peanut butter with a spoon for breakfast with cheerios/fruit on the side. I’d also suggest using sandwich thins, my 5 year old still really won’t eat regular sandwich bread, its just too much/too thick for him.

    • Mrs. Jones says

      My kid will eat PB on toast and J on a separate piece of toast. Not together though, for some reason. He’ll also eat PB on apple slices.

      • PhilanthropyGirl says

        For under-2s, I find toasting bread seems to make it easier for them to eat. This is exactly how we did “PB & J” until just recently when kiddo made the move to sandwiches. I still cut the sandwiches into small pieces.

    • Anon says

      My kids deconstruct everything I give them. Deli meat sandwiches are immediately pulled apart, the meatballs are separated from the spaghetti, etc. PBJ looks like it should be deconstructed but can’t easily be done, so they won’t touch it. So I serve it pre-deconstructed. Bread cut into small squares, side of PB, side of jelly, side of fruit. Then let them dip away. About the same level of effort on my part, way more likely for them to eat it.

    • anon says

      My son won’t eat it with jelly. He sometimes prefers openface too. Anyway we eat peanut butter with a spoon every day for breakfast. (My mother used to call this a peanut butter lollipop). Why not just give it to her separate from bread? As long as she eats both the nutritional value is the same. I do get that it is messy.

    • H says

      Try peanut butter on fruit. My LO loves pb on bananas and apples, but he usually eats the pb first, and then the fruit.

    • HSAL says

      You guys are awesome. I’m going to try crackers or a deconstructed sandwich – she’s not a great dipper but it’s probably time to work on that more.

    • Anononymous says

      We do peanut butter mixed into greek yogurt as a snack. We haven’t done it, but one of the kid cookbooks we have suggests peanut butter on a tortilla with slices of fruit (bananas or grapes) instead of a sandwich. We’re still at the cracker stage of sandwiches (cracker/hummus/covered with a bit of turkey so fingers don’t get too sticky), but you mentioned quesadillas, so it is an option.

      Watched an 8 month old eat a cream cheese sandwich at the Brooklyn Children’s Museum over the weekend, but she was the youngest of three, so she probably had lots of modeling. But it is possible!

  4. sippy cup tips? says

    I feel overwhelmed. When did you start? What did you use? Am I understanding that some people say sippy cups are now bad for some reason?

    • AEK says

      We skipped sippies for straws and the the suctiony kind. Kiddo got it right away.

      Straw cups with elaborate valves are as “bad” as sippies— something about teeth and speech. (See http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20080212/so-long-sippy-cups-hello-straws#1)

      Our favorite no-spill, but non valve cups are:
      https://www.amazon.com/Nuby-2-Pack-No-Spill-Straw-Colors/dp/B003N49ML8?th=1
      https://www.amazon.com/Thinkbaby-Thinkster-Bottle-Natural-Orange/dp/B004XV11D2
      https://www.amazon.com/Wow-Cup-Kids-Innovative-Drinking/dp/B00AOFZKCE?th=1

      He started with these, which were great b/c of handles:
      https://www.amazon.com/Wow-Cup-Kids-Innovative-Drinking/dp/B00AOFZKCE?th=1

      Don’t sweat it! Buy one each of a few different kinds and see what works!

    • H says

      We started around age 1 (when they say bottles should stop). We just used, and still use at age 2, the inexpensive munchkin ones you can buy anywhere. I haven’t heard they are bad…but I have started buying simpler ones that don’t control flow so we can transition to a cup.

      • PhilanthropyGirl says

        I started around the same age. We started with the ones with the rubber sippy spouts – but my chewer would destroy them in a matter of days.

        We switched to Nuby’s – cheap, available anywhere – and they’re the only sippies I’ve found that don’t leak.

    • NewMomAnon says

      Prolonged use of spouted sippy cups could have the same detnal consequences as prolonged pacifier use. My pediatrician recommended something like the Miracle 360 cup, which is a non-spouted sippy, for long-term use. Once upon a time, Amazon had these with handles, which was great for an early sippy cup user. I would avoid the similar product from Avent; I found that it leaked and was hard to put together.

      But for the transition from bottle to sippy, I would recommend a soft-spouted sippy cup like the Nuk or Munchkin Latch. Both are available at Target or on Amazon. They are more similar to a bottle, so the transition should be easier.

      • October says

        Yes, go with the Miracle 360. It took my LO a while to really get it down (but I think part of that was that he just wasn’t very thirsty as a 6-8 month old who still got most of his calories from nursing). But he’s great at it now. You do have to stay diligent on washing it out every day, but I think that’s the case with all cups.

        • October says

          …now that I think about it, maybe we didn’t start until closer to 8-9 months? I don’t know, sleep-deprived brain! But he really started getting the hang of it around 12 months.

      • HSAL says

        They still have 360 cups with handles, which is one of the ones we used. We started with the Nuk trainer cup and are now using the 360 cups and hard spouted sippies interchangeably.

        A note on the Avent cup – it does leak and is a pain, but it doesn’t really serve the same purpose as a sippy. You don’t suck the liquid out, you just press down with your upper lip and it lets the water flow more. It’s more of a transition to open cups. I’ve used it when we wanted to make sure the kid was getting enough liquid, since she seemed to struggle a bit with all the sippies. We just made sure to use water it in.

    • CLMom says

      If your child is in daycare, check their requirements. Mine did not accept sippy cups with straws.

    • ChiLaw says

      I’ve always used the Munchkin Miracle 360 thing — it functions a lot like a regular open cup, and once I read somewhere (#science) it doesn’t have the same problems as traditional sippy cups. They only leak when thrown very hard.

      • Edna Mazur says

        These also don’t have those stupid crevices that other sippy cups have that you can’t reach while you are washing the cup and are impossible to clean. Nice smooth scrubbing surface. Love these.

    • Katarina says

      I used straw cups. An advantage, to me, is that the kid can use any cup with a straw. Mine also had an easier time learning on them. I started offering some water around 6 months. My first picked it up around 9 months, and my second around 12 months. I tried some traditional sippy cups with my second because he was having trouble, but he figured out the straw cups first. At 12 months, I transitioned away from bottles to straw cups for milk, and transitioned to whole milk.

      • AnonMN says

        +1 we go straight to straw cups so that we don’t have to worry about the sippy cup issues. We have liked the Think Baby cups. We start around 6 months for exploring/water, but then start pushing it for milk, etc around 11 months. My first took to it right away, my second is still using a bottle primarily at almost 12 months.

    • sippy cup tips? says

      Thank you! Sounds like we have some time to get started. It was one of those things where someone asked me, “Is he using a sippy cup yet?” and of course I had good old-fashioned mom guilt of, “Should he be? Did I miss the boat? What do I get?” Thanks, sleep deprivation, for making me feel like this was some major emergency today.

    • PEN says

      We started with a doidy cup at 6 months. Now, the two year old drinks from a regular cup like a champ. The one year old is stick mostly using the doidy. The boys have straw cups for water while out and about.

    • anon says

      I think straw cups are supposed to be better for developing the mouth muscles you need for speech than a traditional sippy? (Vague memories). We started with a playtex cup that I think has been discontinued. It was just something basic that we got as a handmedown – not a straw cup. At some point after 1 year (maybe much older – really not sure) we bought some tuperware-type cups with plastic straws. They have no valve and are therefore not at all tip-proof, but we just use them at mealtimes with milk. My son couldn’t figure out how to use straw cups with a bite valve when he was younger. The OXO straw cup is more spill proof and is what we left at daycare.

  5. Pogo says

    Moments like t his is when I truly need the hive…

    I found out today (literally one day before planning to announce my pregnancy, at least to HR) that I’ve been identified as a “high potential” young person in our org, am likely about to get a promotion (at the very least, I’m getting moved up one level on chain of command), and will be given much more visibility in general because they want to groom me for management some day. I’m excited, but a bit nervous.

    I know *legally* my pregnancy won’t change any of this, but I’m still worried that when I tell them I’m pregnant that I’ll be given less excitement (because I’m going to be gone for 3 months or more, maybe they think I’m never coming back?) or that this will affect the reorg – it moves my project responsibility away from the guy I would have delegated to and skips me over him, if that makes sense.

    Talk me down. It’s all going to be fine, right? I should still ask for all the maternity leave, because if they really value me they’ll be happier if I’m gone for 4 months instead of forever? I can Have It All (jk, I know that’s not true)?

    • TBK says

      How long until you’re officially given the promotion? If you can, I’d wait to announce until after you have that in hand. Also, I’d be really explicit about talking about plans for when you get back from leave — like planning something for October if you expect to be back in September. But you have at least one kid already, right? I suspect people are less worried that women won’t come back if they already came back after the first kid.

      • Pogo says

        Nope, first kiddo. I’ve just been on here forever because it took us two years to get something in the oven :P

        Good point about explicit plans for return. I go back and forth on that because at 14 weeks post-kiddo is my biggest trade show of the year where I planned to launch my product. I was going to commit to be back for that. However, that also assumes everything goes according to plan while I’m gone (ha!), so I sorta don’t want to commit to that and then come back from leave to find out no one did anything while I was gone.

        So sometimes I think, screw em, I want to ask for 16 weeks off and someone else can launch the product if it’s ready.

        They also totally have the legal right to tell me they won’t hold my job for more than 12 weeks in which case this is all moot because I’ll be back. But I was going to ask about extended leave.

        • TBK says

          Yeah, no reason to set yourself up for either missing the show you’d committed to doing, or coming back and falling flat because your coworkers assumed you’d be able to pull together a launch on short notice with an infant at home. Also, if it’s your first kid, it could be harder to predict how you’ll feel at 12 weeks. I agree with other commenters who say do what you need to do. It’s your baby. There will always be other work opportunities, but unless you’re planning on a Duggar-type family, you only get a very few moments of time to be a new mom.

        • Famouscait says

          As you say above, it took you “two years to get something in the oven” so might your general intent to get pregnant be somewhat obvious to them? I mean that as a positive thing in this situaion. And congrats on all fronts!!

          • Pogo says

            Haha, I think it’s obvious, but they’re all men. They probably have no clue.

        • GCA says

          Congratulations!! Well done you!

          One specific point about 12 vs 14 vs 16 weeks postpartum- unless you are having a scheduled c-section or induction, you don’t really know when baby will arrive. He or she could be early, or bang on due date, or two weeks late. So you can’t really count on x event being y weeks after baby! In other words, don’t even factor the launch thing into the decision – just ask for 16 weeks if you need to.

          • Pogo says

            Excellent point. Two weeks late and my 3-month FMLA would cover me through the launch anyway (I’m definitely not doing LESS than 3 months!). Also if I had a NICU stay or something, that would throw it out the window, too.

            Thanks guys! It’s so reassuring to hear from people who’ve been there, done that.

    • Butter says

      Awesome news. Congrats – you earned it! Now take it. Maternity leave has nothing to do with this, and shouldn’t interfere with it. I know it can feel like you’re inconveniencing the world, but really you’re not. You’re great at your job, and will continue to be when you come back. Definitely ask for maternity leave, and make it clear you intend to come back and continuing to kick — when you do.

      • Betty says

        Just want to echo the sentiment that it feels like you’re inconveniencing the world but you’re not: 3-4 months can feel like a huge stretch of time, but it can go by in a blink for you and your employer. Truly, it is barely a blip of time, and the amazing (clearly!!) things you have done will make the time you spend out of office barely register on anyone’s memory in the long-term. Take your leave and know that you will be a great, and probably better, employee when you return from leave.

    • rosie says

      Congrats, Pogo! This is something you have earned (and the mat leave is, too, for that matter–separate issue though). It will be fine. If your gut says to wait to tell a bit longer to announce, that’s totally fine. I was planning to announce but then had my review scheduled for a few days later, and I did not think it would really matter, but erred on the side of being overly cautious and gave it a little more time. You announce when you are ready.

    • EB0220 says

      Lots of good news for you lately, congrats! I don’t know your firm, but I had something similar to this happen. I was invited to participated in a high-potential leaders’ program at my company. I got pregnant about 3 months into the year long program. I went out for maternity leave right before the end. I had a great experience and it hasn’t affected my advancement at all.

      • FTMinFL says

        Another positive story – I got a big promotion plus commensurate raise and bonus while I was on maternity leave. It is easy to look at the situation like you are at the mercy of your company – “what will they think? what will they do to me?” – when, in reality, the company may actually be thinking that it needs to do whatever it takes to keep you. Clearly you are valued! Congrats!

    • TK says

      Congratulations! Smart management will congratulate you on the pregnancy and figure out how to work around your maternity leave. Wait until they officially offer this to you – if you can – then talk in only positive terms about how excited you are to do that job, take leave, then get right back to work.

      By doing a reorg with a promotion for you, the company already values you and wants to do what they can to keep you around, so this is a tell them rather than ask permission situation … “I’m so excited for this opportunity, I need to let you know that I’ll be out of work for 14 weeks around __ because I’m pregnant but there’s plenty of time between now and then to plan for my absence and return. On that note, I’ve been thinking about [something awesome related to product launch … ]”

      For the launch – can you commit to being there for that day, even if it’s only 12 weeks after Little Pogo is born – then return to leave or at least to some kind of part-time ramp up back into full time? I did something like this – came back for a single day for a court hearing at 7.5 weeks PP, back on leave for another week or so, then part-time weeks 9-11 until I returned to full time.

      • Butter says

        I did this as well (came back just for day of major project launch event), then scaffolded my re-entry. It was fine. I also asked for a raise 6-8 weeks after returning from maternity leave (and got it). No shame in my game!

  6. Anonymous says

    Congratulations to you! That is awesome news – truly. I’m sure you deserve this and don’t lose sight of that — pat yourself on the back big time for this recognition.

    I will happily talk you down. It IS all going to be fine! You should definitely act as if your pregnancy, maternity leave, and new (expanded) responsibilities at home as a mom have no bearing on any promotion or future plans the organization has for you. It’s just a temporary pause. I know workplace discrimination is real, but I also think many of us self-sabotage a little (hard to help, we’re exhausted and sometimes don’t WANT to stay on the same fast track after babies).

    If this promotion is what you want, you CAN do it. And they SHOULD (and probably will?) make accommodations for you to take on these new career responsibilities and become this rising star while respecting any limitations you may have on your time and energy because you’re pregnant and a mom.

    Just own it — others will follow your lead. Or better yet, follow their lead. They see something in you and you need to focus on that. If they want to groom you for management, that’s likely something they see as at least a 5 year time horizon — maybe a lot more — and your maternity leave doesn’t need to be anything more than a temporary speed bump on that timeline. Four months is really not a big deal in the long run.

    You can do it!

    • Pogo says

      Thank you – your point about self-sabotage is a good one. I have no proof that they’d see me differently as a mom, I’m just concerned based on you know, the patriarchy.

      I agree that it’s a long timeline – 5+ years – so this really should just be a blip. Thanks for keeping it in perspective!!

  7. Anonymous says

    Boss has been not so subtly pulling back from some of his more high-profile things, and explicitly pushing me forward in his place (e.g., just pulled me into a meeting on his big annual event saying “you’ll be taking this over soon so you should be in the loop”). Very much have not heard him or anyone else say he was leaving, but…? Maybe moving to another position within our organization? He’s only about 5 or 6 years older than I am, so I’d thought I’d have to switch jobs if I wanted a promotion. Maybe not.

  8. RDC says

    Hi ladies! Hope I’m not too late for today’s thread.

    How do you bring up big-picture parenting questions with your spouse? There are a few things about my husband’s parenting style I would like him to change, but not sure how to bring it up in a way that’s not “you’re doing it wrong.” I read parenting books (and the discussions on this s!te) so I feel like I’ve picked up approaches that he has not. E.g., the “happiest toddler on the block” approach has been super helpful in heading off tantrums, but hubby hasn’t read that so he attempts a distraction approach (let me pick you up and swing you around), which doesn’t work. He thinks by saying things like “toddler is sad!” We are actively encouraging him to feel sad. Likewise, hubby may not respond to toddler’s requests (more milk) and ignores toddler’s protests (saying no to hugs etc) and I feel like that undermines our attempts to get toddler to use his words and that we should respect his autonomy.

    The only non-accusatory way I can think to approach this is by saying “I’ve been reading this interesting book..” but that puts the burden on me to accurately summarize and convince hubby it’s the “right” approach. I’ve tried suggesting books or articles but he usually doesn’t read them. Any other suggestions for how to have these kind of talks?

    Basically, I want us to be on the same page about how to approach these issues, since they’ll only get more challenging (e.g. when the need arises for disciplining toddler) but not sure how to have the conversation, especially since I acknowledge coming into it feeling like my approach is the “right” one (or at least the more informed?).

    (Hubby is a great dad, but I think just hasn’t put a lot of thought into these issues / is much more about being the “fun” parent.)

    • mascot says

      My husband isn’t one for picking out or reading parenting books. He will watch videos if I find them and will read articles if I send them to him. Part of this is personality driven. I’m a lawyer so I think problems are better solved by research and books. He’s much more of a hands-on person who doesn’t read the instruction manual first because he’s got a knack for figuring things out. Sometimes he has to remind me that I’m the only one reading these books and I should focus on the child in front of me and how he’s acting rather than expecting everything to play out like a hypothetical. Sometimes I have to remind him that he’s never done this parenting thing either, what we are doing isn’t working, and maybe we should seek outside assistance/information. Our childhood experiences are some of our biggest influences for how we parent so talking about what you liked/didn’t like/how you felt when your parents did x sometimes allows you to see what you want to do. It’s an ongoing conversation and ever-changing. The conversation tends to work better when we ask open ended questions and share tips for what worked. Each person will do things with their own twist though so you have to be really careful not to say you are wrong here. You both are on Team RDC Family and both want what’s best for the child and sometimes just saying those things out loud helps.

    • Anonymous says

      I approach it as

      1) this is what I want to do as a parent (respect autonomy, respond promptly to requests to encourage language, consistent approach to tantrums),

      2)we both need to be consistent in these approaches – it’s not fair to me or to kid if you always are the ‘fun’ parent and I’m the rule setting parent – it’s not healthy for our family dynamic or our marriage. I need to get to be the fun parent sometimes too – it’s not fair if all the weight is on my shoulders.

      3) the approaches I’m suggesting are what feel comfortable to me and are research based. If you would like to try different approaches, I’m open to a discussion but you need to take the responsibility to research those alternatives – it’s not my obligation to find different approaches.

      • JEB says

        This makes so much sense. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’m in a similar boat as OP. My husband is a great father, but I’m the only one who reads about development, parenting, etc. Thankfully he’s receptive to my parenting suggestions, but I’m keeping all of your above-suggested language in mind for the future!

      • Anon academic says

        Not OP but have same issue. I like the idea of this approach but it seems a litt le confrontational and confrontation is what I’d like to avoid. Do you literally say it like this and if so how is it received?

        • anon says

          This would not go over well with my husband because there is an underlying assumption that he would not agree to, namely, that only research-based approaches to parenting are acceptable. He is not super receptive, but he is also not trying to be the fun parent or something (more the opposite).

          For me it would probably work better – maybe, this causes a lot of conflict for us – to open up a dialogue about what our big picture goals are – e.g., to raise a child that is self-sufficient, can express his emotions, be empathetic, honest, whatever – and see if we can find agreement there first, and then explain why I think x approach is a better way to achieve that.

    • ChiLaw says

      What about something like taking a big step back, and talking about why you think it’s important to be on the same page?

      Loving parents doing their best is already a great start. So you’re starting from there, and that’s great!

      So the next step is to figure out how to verbalize why it’s important to be on the same page w/r/t tantrums: to make your lives easier, to give your kid predictability, to model cooperative relationships, etc?

      With that agreed on, I’d say, “well, the book I’m reading says blahblah, so do you think we could do that as a united front?”

    • Another BigLaw Parent says

      Adding in another perspective: This is an area where my husband and I recognize that I do way more emotional laboring than him. I’m in several mom facebook groups, read the comments here, and if I have a question/issue I see coming down the pipe, I research it before it’s a big issue (e.g., potty training, nightmares, etc – normal predictable developmental milestones). We have a running joke that I give him the “cliff notes” version.

      We have regular conversations as those issues come up, once kiddo is in bed, so we can talk about the various approaches. For example, when kiddo started delay tactics and bedtimes + was afraid of the dark and bedtime got pushed back to 10 pm (!), we the exhausted parents strategized about how to correct. I said, well, from what I’ve read, here are the biggest reasons why this happens, and here are the two or three different approaches that people take. I think we should do X and see how it goes. What do you think? Once we reach consensus, I usually say at the end, “you’re welcome for the cliff notes” and we both laugh at that.

      In the moment when he is being inconsistent with an approach we’ve agreed on, I tend to do what the posters above who frame issues in a way of “I want to be consistent in teaching X” and then explain how his approach and my approach are inconsistent and ways to reconcile. I try very hard not to do this in front of kiddo, who is now old enough to eavesdrop and comprehend. But if I’ve done that too many times to the point I’m nagging or just insisting my way is the right way, husband is good about pointing this out. So back to the bedtime example — he would give as examples a few nights where I was not home for bedtime and say, “when it’s just me, I do X and this is what kiddo does in response.” I also try to be conscious about praising him for the things he does better than me that I want to emulate, or when different approaches both work for us but get to the same overall goal, I say “I trust your judgment” and let it go.

  9. Savannah with a toddler says

    Any advice for where to stay and what to do with a toddler in Savannah? We are adding a weekend in Savannah to a week-long trip we’re doing in Charleston this spring with my sister’s family – Savannah will just be me, hubby, and my (at that time) 22 month old son. Trying to decide where to stay and what to do with only about 1.5 days of site-seeing time (we’ll drive down midday on a Friday, leave town midday Sunday). It’s my first time to this part of the country (closest I’ve been is Atlanta or southern Virginia/DC area), and it’s likely going to be the only time I’ll be there for another decade or more (if ever). Any advice/recommendations for specific kid-friendly hotels? Or if we were going to do a small condo thru VRBO, any thoughts on neighborhoods that would be most convenient? We’ll have a rental car, but not likely to have a giant stroller, just a little umbrella stroller and a carrier. Budget-friendly is important. Thanks for any tips!

    • mascot says

      Sav Local here- It will be plenty warm for outside activities (it’s 70 here today). Spring is really lovely; when are you coming? I’d recommend staying in the Historic District so you can walk most places. There are plenty of mid-priced hotels so you should have options, including places that include breakfast. Activities: there are lots of green spaces in the squares, ride the free water taxi across the river and see container ships up close, Forsyth park has a great playground, the train museum and outdoor children’s museum are really fun, several forts to tour (Pulaski and Jackson), carriage/trolley rides, and Tybee Island for the beach (about 20-30 minutes from downtown). Tourism is a pretty big industry here so the vast majority of restaurants are kid friendly. I’m happy to make recommendations if you have preferences.
      As an FYI, Charleston and Savannah are close as the crow flies, but it will probably take 2ish hours to drive between them.

  10. Amazon Fire? says

    Does anyone have an amazon fire just for their kid to watch movies or play games? We are about to take a family vacation that will involve a full day of air travel both ways. I’m thinking of getting an amazon fire for the kids to share. Or maybe it is better to get each their own? We have amazon prime and netflix, and my kids are past the point of stickers and snacks being a sufficient distraction (3 and 6). Any other good distractions or entertainment for a long day of travel?

    • mascot says

      If you can swing two, I’d do that. That way they can each play games/watch their own shows. Kindle FreeTime app is good. Kids need lots of memory and a good case so I’d look at the kids version with an expandable memory slot and bumper case and worry less about screen resolution.

    • anon says

      We don’t have a tablet but bring along our laptop and let my son watch videos we have downloaded with headphones. I can see how this might be hard with 2 kids though. I am a firm believer in its okay to watch video all day if traveling. Audiobooks are good too but we use them mostly in the car.

    • TK says

      We do. Saved our life on a cross country airplane flight right after Christmas. Super easy to download movies from Netflix or Amazon, decent battery life. Very cheap too, as I recall, so I’d get 2.

    • Anon says

      Go with 2. We have ancient iPads that we use exclusively for the kids’ apps and movies, but they’re getting super slow. As they die, we’ll switch each kid over to the Fire. I’m especially excited for Android’s kid controls.

      We do a lot of international travel. New “active” things are what gets us through, and that way I know they’ll have age-appropriate stuff at our destination. We plan on one “thing” per hour of travel, not including the movies. Mine are 4 and 2, so we pack each one their own backpack. We include their ipad and headphones. Then we also might include a new stuffed animal, a mini sticker book, a coloring pack from the dollar spot at Target, some new reading/ picture books, flash cards, a quiet creation toy (like playdough or those wax-coated strings, ours are usually the Bendaroos brand), a new Toob, a craft kit from Oriental Trading, and some magnet dress up dolls or activity set. Plus a couple rounds of pre-packed snacks like fruit snacks or snack cakes or animal crackers.

      I also pack a couple new things in my suitcase so I can switch out for the travel back home.

    • EB0220 says

      I really love the kids fires. We have one for each kiddo. It’s really hard for them to share on the airplane, difficult to split the sound, etc. I would definitely recommend them for air travel and would definitely get 2.

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