Framing The Idea of “Work” With Your Kids (Or, the “Mommy Needs to Work” Discussion)
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As a working mother, do you think a lot about how you frame the idea of “work” with your kids? Did you need to have a special “mommy needs to work” discussion? Do you find that it’s important to you to frame it differently than, perhaps, your partner does? Do you do it as a reaction to mom guilt, a feminist statement, or some other lesson you’re trying to share (e.g., find work you enjoy! — or, we must earn money in order to live)?
This came up for us a while ago. My husband always likes to tell our eldest how sad he is to leave him to go to work. After a while, my son turned to me and asked, “Mommy, are you sad you have to work right now?” And I thought about it a beat or two and then said, “No, honey — Mommy likes her work. I’m always sad when I’m not with you but I like what I do, and it brings a lot of value to Mommy’s life.” (Or, you know, something vaguely coherent in that same vein.) Maybe I’m just being defensive because I work from home, or because my son sees a lot of playmates whose mothers’ don’t work. But the more I started thinking about it, it seemed like there were a lot of valuable lessons to impart — work can be fun if you find the right work. Or, yes, work can be fun but it is also important to earn money because things cost money, like toys… and underpants… and shelter… and food.
I’m apparently not the only one thinking about the “mommy needs to work” discussion because Amazon has a TON of books. I haven’t read any of them — any reviews, ladies?
- Mommy Goes to the Office (My Working Mommy), by Gulden Mesara-Dogan
- Mommy Works, written by Nerissa Bilan Hochenberg, illustrated by Edgar Bilan
- Mommy and Daddy Work to Make Some Dough, written by Jennifer Lynn Pereyra (at least, I’m assuming this one isn’t about baking)
- Oscar the Pig: Mommy Goes to Work, written by Megan Calhoun
- Mommy Loves You All Day Long, written by Barbara M Ristaino
My son is still very little – all he knows is mommy leaves, and then she comes home. DH is a SAHD, so there isn’t the difference of how mommy talks about work and how daddy talks about work – but I would imagine that in a few years we may be having the “why doesn’t daddy work/why does mommy work” – because we’re the only family our children will know who have arranged things this way. We will probably stick with the “mommy and daddy both looked for jobs, mommy found one that takes care of the financial needs of our family, and daddy takes care of you! if daddy finds a job that takes care of the financial needs of our family, mommy will take care of you.”
I think as adults we tend to over-think this a little bit. My mom was a working mom and I never once questioned if she loved me, or if she would rather be at work than with me, or if work was more important. Mommy just went to work. Our family was different because most of my friends’ moms didn’t work, but I never questioned why – at least not until I was in my teens. I think if a child is used to mommy going to work, they don’t think about it as much as we do – except perhaps in situations like Kat’s, where one spouse talks of it often and the other spouse does not.
My child has only ever known life with two full-time working parents. It doesn’t seem to really bother him that we have to work or that we leave him to do so. I’m a lawyer so I explain that I help people solve problems. DH is in life safety so he helps people keep buildings safe. We get paid for the work we do, that money helps us buy things/go places and we like our work because we like to help people. Neither of us have any real guilt about choosing to have careers and be parents simultaneously.
One of the nice things about my daughter going to daycare and then full-day preschool is that almost all the moms are working moms, so it is just completely normal for her that I go to work. I don’t get any questions about it (and she’s 2.5, so I get questions about everything!).
I think the bigger issue here is that there appears to only be one book when you put “daddy goes to work” into amazon. So if it’s not an issue for dad to figure out how to explain this, why is it an issue for mom?
I’ve been having this conversation frequently with my preschooler. He attends a preschool where he is one of the few kids who attends after school care, because most of the kids have SAHM. So I get a lot of “why don’t I get to go home at 2:00 dismissal like [friend]?” So far, he hasn’t continued the conversation beyond my response that the friend’s mom or dad doesn’t work and my husband and I do. I do try to keep it gender balanced even if I know the mother is at home.
I like the idea above about explaining being a lawyer as someone who helps people solve problems. My kid has no idea of what I do, in contrast to my husband who has a job that little boys understand and get excited about.
I had a good annual review the other day and thanked my support team – my husband, my babysitting parents, my MIL who came for a week during spring break. I also thanked my first grader for being good and focused at his job of growing and learning so that I could stay focused at my job. I’ve very lucky.
I’m so not looking forward to the judge-y comments from my inlaws as one of the conferences I’m running happens to fall on my son’s bday. I need to be there, its a huge opportunity for me, and cupcakes at school can be outsourced (and goody bags done before I leave).
Does my husband get questions about his work? Nope, but there are a ton of SAHMs in our area, so even in daycare there are a lot of people using it as their ‘gym and grocery time’. Sigh. I keep trying to remind myself its good for him to see a working mom (and for the younger women I work with, and for our family and myself) but its hard at times like those.
I also recommend Mommy’s High Heel Shoes. It’s been one of my kids’ favorites for years.