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If you’re going to be at the end of your pregnancy during the winter months like I was, having a maternity winter coat is important. I went for a long time zipping my regular coats up over my stomach, but at the end it just wasn’t possible. After buying a maternity winter coat, I liked having the extra room to grow instead of smushing myself into my pre-pregnancy coats. One added bonus of a maternity winter coat is that it was easier for people on public transportation to see that I was pregnant, so they would offer me their seat. I love this coat by Kimi and Kai. I like how the zipper extends up the collar so you can zip it at different intervals to create different looks. I am partial to the red, but it also comes in black and camel. It is $228 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XS–L. ‘Mia’ High Collar Maternity Coat Two more affordable options (that also have a wider size range) are from Old Navy (XS–XXL, $69.99) and Motherhood Maternity (1X–3X, $50.99). Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines. This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.14.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – Mid-Season Sale: extra 40% off; extra 20% off sale styles; 40% off new spring styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 40% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50-60% off select styles; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – 40% off dresses; 30% off your purchase
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Cyber Spring: 50% off everything & free shipping
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time; 30% off select shoes
- Talbots – BOGO 50% off everything, includes markdowns (ends 4/14)
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Buy 3+ get 30% off forever favorites
- J.Crew Crewcuts – 30% off your purchase
- Old Navy – Up to 70% off clearance; sales on shorts and polos
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event; BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture;
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anonymous says
I had a late February baby in Michigan and never bought a maternity coat. I ran so hot during pregnancy that I could just wear regular coats unzipped, plus scarves.
Anonymous says
Same! And I was January in Chicago. That said, I did a lot of baby wearing through the winter months since it was easier than pushing a stroller through slushy snow and then up a subway staircase (plus shared body heat kept the baby warm). Some companies make maternity coats that accommodate baby wearing and would have been money well spent had I discovered it earlier.
anon says
I did well with a double breasted, non-maternity coat. As I got bigger, I just stopped buttoning the bottom set of buttons below the belt. There was enough fabric to keep the bump covered because it was double breasted.
Legally Brunette says
This coat is lovely. Both my kids were born in the Boston winters and since I walked to work every day, I swore by my maternity coat from Pea in the Pod. I tended to run hot so it wasn’t actually super warm, but it was very stylish and I got lots of compliments. It was worth it to get something I loved and fit me well since I wore it every day.
I really love this coat and the color.
AwayEmily says
I got a hand me down maternity coat from H&M and adored it. Related: H&M is a good source for less expensive maternity coats (you may need to order online, though — their maternity selection in stores is usually pretty slim).
SC says
I am moving soon! I cleaned out my garage yesterday, and I have a decent-sized box of maternity clothes, including some work clothes, pants, sweaters, and a light coat. They’re mostly a size large, and they’re mostly petite/hemmed for a short stature where length is an issue. (Pre-pregnancy, I was 5-2 and around 175 lbs, size 14-16.)
If anyone would like these and is willing to pay for shipping, they’re yours. I can create a burner email to get the shipping details. Otherwise, they’re going to Goodwill this weekend.
shortperson says
my area has a crisis shelter for homeless pregnant women. (not one that steers ppl away from abortion, this is for later term pregnant women.) i am giving them my old maternity clothes and newborn clothing. instead of goodwill you might consider something similar in your area. i worried that maternity clothing would get miscategorized at goodwill and not go to its best use
HSAL says
Yes to this – all my maternity and baby clothes went/are going to the local center for victims of domestic violence.
Anonymous says
I’ve looked a little bit. The pregnancy centers in our area all seem to be the kind that steer people away from abortion, and donations are accepted more generally through the churches or larger charities that support them.
Our local women’s and children’s center does not accept used clothing–apparently, they’re not set up for it, don’t have the space and the sorting of donated items is just too much for them. They maintain an Amazon wish list for donations of items they need. I attended a lunch at which their director spoke/fundraised, and she emphasized that any donations they’re not actively soliciting really adds to their operating expenses.
SC says
That was me.
Anonymous says
You could also try your neighborhood “Buy Nothing” group. My area has one on Facebook. A majority of the entries (understandably) relate to maternity and children.
FVNC says
If you’re a member of any FB parents groups or “buy nothing”/yardsale groups, I’ve seen maternity clothes — including my own! — snatched up very quickly.
anon says
Any suggestions for how to help a 5 yo work on emotional regulation? I understand that it’s a common issue for this age group. We’d love to do what we can do help our DD make progress in this area, both to improve her day-to-day and to improve ours.
Anonymous says
123 Magic really helped us around that age on the discipline side. Also, naming your feelings, modeling how you want them to handle those feelings and process them, and heaping praise on them when they show awareness.
Anonymous says
Try the book, the Whole Brain child, which has a lot of coverage on emotional regulation.
Connections says
Just curious – has anyone ever leveraged their parents’ connections for job searching? I’ve always firmly avoided this (except for some college internships) but now I am in my late 30’s, well established in my field with an advanced degree and looking for the next thing. My dad has a ton of connections in a field that somewhat relates to mine and I’m wondering if it’s weird to explore those. Am I naive to have been avoiding those connections before now or was I right all along?
Anonymous says
Yes of course! That’s how I got my first two jobs. Leverage any connections you have!
Anonymous says
As long as it’s networking and not him pressuring someone to give you a job, I say go for it.
Anonymous says
I’ve leveraged my FIL’s/husband’s connections several times. I got my first job out of college because he passed my resume to someone, and that turned into my first lawyer job out of law school (because they liked me, not because FIL had any influence over that hiring). At my current firm, the boss who put out the ad and interviewed me was all about qualifications, but then my connection, through my husband, to the managing partner was important to him.
anon says
these people are part of your network, so it totally makes sense to leverage your connections. just because you use a connection does not mean that you do not get a job based on your own merit. it might just mean that instead of your resume sitting in a pile of hundreds, that a human actually looks at your resume. you will still have to be interviewed and then selected for the job. most jobs are found through networking.
Anonymous says
I used to be wary and feel this was unfair, until I realized that that is what everyone does! Do you know how many boss’s relatives and friends I’ve had to train and work with? Play the hand that you’ve got.
Turtle says
I was “too proud” to do this for a while. Then I got in the working world and realized everyone else does it too. I kick myself for not taking advantage of his network a whole lot sooner.
Also, ditto to the comment above about using him for “networking” your way in for a meeting or initial interview, but not pressuring to actually hire you.
KateMiddletown says
Not to stir the pot but pretend you are a mediocre white man and that’s how any of them find their first jobs. (Sorry, I’m still bitter from last week’s garbage fire.)
BigLaw Sr Assoc says
I get your hesitation, but I think you are naive. I would do this in a second if I could.
Impostor Syndrome says
Anyone have tips on what helped them push back a bad “Impostor Syndrome” flareup? I’m starting on the partnership trek, which feels like a crap shoot under the best of circumstances, and can’t get my head in the game. I’m horrible at talking myself up, which seems to be a necessary, but not sufficient, element of this next step.
Thanks!
lsw says
Do you have a mentor or trusted friend you could ask to put down in writing what they think you really excel at in your career? Like a bulleted list or maybe a pretend recommendation letter? Or maybe your spouse can do this?
Another trick I’ve tried before interviews is reading over my resume and making sure I am repeating things in my head like, “I raised revenues 25% in this period” not “I was able to raise revenues” or “I succeeded in raising revenues” – basically talking about it in very straight terms without extra language (if that makes sense; I feel like I’m not explaining this well). The discomfort I feel in doing that shows me I need to work on taking ownership of my successes and being fearless in talking about them. It has helped me keep phrases like “I was able to” and say “I did” which feels so much stronger in an interview or other setting.
I struggle with this, too.
Spirograph says
I was hoping there’d be more responses, because I also struggle with this. Along the same lines, I try to ruthlessly edit things like “I think” and “I believe” from my vocabulary when I’m stating a fact or what I believe is the best course of action. Sometimes it gives me a little internal boost, but in any case it makes me sound more confident.
Good luck, OP!
anne-on says
Asking for your positive thoughts – I’m interviewing at firm for a position that would be the next step up in pay/title and would be an amazing opportunity to lead an entire region. Sounds like there is another internal candidate but without the specific experience I have in the area. Second interview this week and I’m nervous but hopeful!
lsw says
Good luck! One thing I try to remind myself about interviews at this point in my life is that I *know* the stuff. Take a couple deep breaths, pause and speak more slowly (unless you’re not a nervous fast-talker like me, YMMV), listen to Eye of the Tiger or You’re the Best Around right before you go in…. you got this!
Anonymous says
Good luck, sending you good vibes!!!!
anon says
Where’s the non maternity version of this coat? I love it!
anon says
It’s expensive but I feel like Mackage sometimes has shapes like this – or was it the red you liked?
PregAnon says
36 weeks pregnant and I was surprised when my midwife asked about my birth control plans. Talk about the last thing on my mind!
I was on the pill for the better part of a decade, and was lucky to get pregnant immediately after stopping. We definitely want to have more kids (thinking at least 3), and DH is 40 so we’re eager to have kids close together. I don’t want to get pregnant immediately, but think I’d be comfortable being pregnant again within a year.
I’ve read Taking Charge of Your Fertility and based on that and other research, EBFing is very effective birth control with certain caveats (only 6 months, no supplementation, etc). Of course we all hear anecdotes but it seems to me that the science supports this. After that 6 month period, I’d be comfortable with natural family planning – taking temp, charting mucus, etc.
No desire to go back on the pill or use barrier methods. My midwife was not on board with this plan. She dismissed EBF as effective birth control and said I need to wait a year to get pregnant again due to “nutrients” in my body.
Just curious as to how others approached this. Obviously if at 6 weeks once we can start being intimate again, BFing isn’t working out, we’d reevaluate the plan.
anne-on says
I…tend to agree with your midwife? My brother and I are ‘Irish twins” 18 months apart because my mom also believed the 6 months EBF=no fail BC. And there are LOTS of studies that show healthier outcomes for mom and baby if you wait at least a year in between births (nutrients, is dumbing it down, like A LOT). I believe the WHO recommends anywhere from 18-24 months currently.
I went with barrier methods until I was OK going back on hormonal BC. I know not everyone loves hormonal BC but I think barrier methods are probably your best bet.
Mrs. Jones says
+1
Pogo says
+1 Your midwife might be woo-woo about the nutrients (although I’m not sure, I haven’t researched extensively – that could be a real thing) but appropriate spacing predicts better health outcomes for both mom and baby. My OB also immediately asked me what I wanted to do for birth control.
I also anecdotally know Irish twins from EBF moms, including a friend whose milk dried up at like 3 months PP because she was pregnant. So she was unable to continue her BF relationship with her first, which she regrets.
Cb says
Nothing substantive to add as we’re one and done but I remember when we were leaving the hospital, the midwife realized she hadn’t had the birth control talk with us and had to crouch down and whisper the information to us so she could discharge us. I definitely wasn’t expecting that.
Anonymous says
Breast feeding is not effective birth control. Use condoms unless you want to get pregnant immediately. Tracking your fertile window doesn’t work terribly well when your cycle is off.
Anonymous says
If BFing has any efficacy as BC, it is because you will not want anyone to touch you while you are BFing.
Anonymous says
cosign.
Anonymous says
I EBF and got my period back when my son was 6 weeks old. Agree that condoms are a good idea in this case.
Anonymous says
PS – don’t condoms sound easier than charting and tracking temps anyway? That always gave me insomnia in the early morning.
Another Anonymous says
+1
My period returned within 2-3 months postpartum when I was EBF, and based on non-temperature based signs from TCOYF, I was ovulating. I wouldn’t trust EBF for BC.
Anonymous says
Also, I think it would be REALLY hard to track temps when you’re in the middle of the infant slog — don’t you have to track at the same time everyday right before you get out of bed? So getting up an hour before to soothe a child could throw that off.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I didn’t get my period back until I fully weaned (not EBF) but we still used condoms every time. I didn’t want to go back on hormonal birth control because I knew we’d be trying for a second within 1-2 years, but I wouldn’t rely exclusively on BF to prevent an earlier pregnancy so condoms it was. Any reason why you wouldn’t just do this until you’re ready? Especially since you seem to be pretty fertile.
Anna says
Could you combine from the beginning — natural method but draw a conservative zone of risk and use barrier during that zone?
Knope says
I think it’s a pretty big assumption that you’ll be able to EBF, no supplementation for 6 months, and even if you can, every woman is different and you could absolutely start ovulating within that period anyway. There is some research showing that it’s best to wait at least a year before getting pregnant again, but you could accept the risk – I’d just recommend reading up on it so that you’re informed.
Anonymous says
So I was similar to you but had gone off the pill a couple of years before TTC due to incompatibility with migraines. DH also was 40 when we had #1 although I was only 32.
We relied on a combination of informal tracking (my cycle has always been the textbook definition of regular!) and barrier methods. Pregnant right away when we wanted. And EBF. My period came back at 6 weeks pp (I HATE people who can not have periods while EBFing. Having bodily fluids from all parts of my body was awful.) Anyway. About the second cycle in I was completely back to regular and trackable. But I didn’t feel like gardening until baby was 6 months? Still, we continued with the informal tracking + cond*m strategy. Until I miscalculated because I wasn’t paying attention (sleep deprivation…) and I got pregnant a couple of months before we were planning to start again. #1 was 14 months old when I got pregnant so they are exactly 24 months apart. It was fine. It WAS hard on my body, though, and I had to give up BF-ing #1 sooner than I would have liked just due to pregnancy exhaustion (I think he was 17 months?). Obviously I don’t know if there is long-term damage but I do know that WHO recommends 2-3 years as optimal spacing between pregnancies for mother’s health.
All that to say, be really careful since you are known to be fertile, and make sure you are *really* OK with putting your body through pregnancy so close together, especially if you also plan to breastfeed. And I say this as someone who had the easiest pregnancies (I would go so far as to say I really enjoyed being pregnant and BF-ing). Not even to consider what it’s like to have 2 under 2 or whatever.
And a post script…After #2 we were OK again with informal tracking + barrier. And it was fine for years…until I miscalculated again. (Actually, I think I had some travel + stress that messed me up that month.). And we have our lovely #3 surprise, when DH was 48. :) And then he finally got snipped and now we don’t worry too much.
Aly says
So, my experience is different. I EBF for six months then continued to BF my kid until 18 months. I only got my period back at 14 months and could not get pregnant until I stopped nursing. Honestly, I did not ovulate at all. I was tracking temps/mucus at this time. I may be the unicorn that the EBF people are talking about. However, I also used barrier methods for the first year, when I wasn’t comfortable getting pregnant. Then it was a hard realization that in order to get pregnant, I needed to wean.
Anonymous says
This was me. I didn’t use bc because I knew I wanted another kid soon after #1. After #3, I’m still EBF and haven’t gotten my period (I was this way with my previous two as well), but we’re sure we don’t want another, so we’re using c*ndoms until DH gets around to getting snipped.
AwayEmily says
This was me too, at least after baby #1. I finally got my period when I dropped all pumping sessions (at about a year).
Anonymous says
I EBF until 9 months with both my kids and got my period back the month after I stopped. So, I think people are on all sides of the spectrum and younjusy wont know.
FWIW it took me 8 months to get pregnant the first time
And one month the second time. So make sure you wait until you are really Ok being pregnant!! I was shocked, but ok, when I found out it worked on the first try. I would have been terrified it if had happened any earlier.
Anonymous says
It is not terribly uncommon for couples to conceive as soon as they are medically cleared to engage in gardening parties again. Happened to a family member–baby #2 was conceived six weeks after the birth of baby #1. She was EBFing at the time.
Anonymous says
This happened to my aunt although she was not EBF. They had fertility issues and a lot of trouble conceiving #1, so were not doing anything to prevent.
Anonymous says
There’s a lot of science that says getting pregnant <18 months after your first delivery is bad for your health and risky for the second baby (much higher risk of preterm delivery, etc.) Obviously people ignore this, but it’s what the evidence says. EBf is not birth control nor can you be sure you’ll do it. You need real birth control.
Anonymous says
Worth thinking about now! I am pregnant with my third (earlier than expected) because we did not think about this enough. Fatigue and uhh passions take their course. Better to have a plan now.
you know me says
Definitely get something where you don’t have to think about the day or time.
I recommend ring, patch, or Mirena.
signed,
a mom with 3 kids, 2 who are 14 months apart and yes I was breastfeeding and on the mini-pill that is only 97% effective if taken correctly all the time and who the heck can do that when you’re working full-time and the baby in your room doesn’t sleep through the night but apparently there’s enough time for a quickie?
HSAL says
You need to put that title on one of those personal cards some moms have to give out on the playground and at daycare and such.
AwayEmily says
This is all really interesting. For those of you with multiple kids…did your periods come back at about the same time both times?
Also, has anyone here gotten pregnant post-childbirth without having their period first? I know it’s biologically possible but most of the “oops” babies I know happened after periods started again.
As far as recommendations go: I agree with barrier method until you’re ready to try for real again.
FVNC says
“For those of you with multiple kids…did your periods come back at about the same time both times?” For me, yes — a couple months after both kids fully weaned (so, between 12 and 14 months postpartum, if I remember correctly). It really is interesting to hear how different everyone’s body works!
Spirograph says
Mine came back about the same time with respect to nursing/pumping schedule. Once I cut back significantly, my period came back about a month or so later, around 10-12 months. I definitely had at least one period before I got pregnant again each time.
Sarabeth says
Not personally, but this happened to two women in my postpartum support group (out of about 15). I don’t think those numbers represent the overall odds, but it definitely is possible!
anon says
You need some form of birth control. Counting on EBFing to work as BC is taking a huge gamble, as you don’t know when you’re going to start ovulating again.
Anon says
Correct. See friends of mine who had 3 under 18 months (non-IVF twins and then a surprise 3rd because “you can’t get pregnant with EBF!”)
Anonymous says
Oh hi, I was you when my doctor brought this up during my first pregnancy. As it turned out, the combination of EBF, zero interest in s3x, and imperfect condom use for a year worked fine for us, I got pregnant right around a year postpartum as “planned.” We are using condoms now until my husband gets fixed. I was on the pill for ~10 years and really like not doing that anymore.
I charted and temped before my first was born, but I’m pretty sure TCOYF even says that temping only works if you are taking the temp after 5 hours of sleep. I wasn’t getting 5 hours of uniterrupted sleep for a long time after my baby was born, and never started temping again. You will likely have a lot of irregular cycles at first even if you are EBF, so you won’t really be able to rely on your charts for several months. NFP with an infant is not a reasonable plan.
Assuming you’re a healthy woman with unlimited access to nutrition and medical care, your outcomes will probably not suffer too much with close spacing between kids, but anecdotally, my body just felt run down after back-to-back pregnancies & breastfeeding in between. Even aside from the sleep deprivation and stress of toddler + pregnancy. There’s a reason for these recommendations.
Anon says
If you end up with a C-section for whatever reason, it is strongly, strongly, strongly recommended that you wait at least one year after delivery before getting pregnant again (risk of scar rupturing, etc.). I will tell you that for us personally with a very difficult colicky baby with sleep issues, I can count on one hand the number times we did it pre-1 year PP (we are just so. tired.). We use condoms because I can’t be on hormonal birth control for other health reasons, and due to the fact that our frequency is so infrequent that anything more intensive is just too much work. Plan to start trying for #2 at about 16-17 months PP.
KateMiddletown says
I’d use barrier methods (condoms) until your cycle is predictable enough to use NFP during EBF, if that’s what you’re comfortable with. Otherwise, you’re rolling the dice, as they say.
Anon2 says
Check out the Marquette Method of NFP – super straightforward and objective for the postpartum period. You do have to pee on a stick every day, but there is no temping, and it is 98% effective with perfect use. Also, anecdotally, my cycle returned at 15 months pp after kid #1 and still hasn’t returned at 12 months pp with kid #2 (breastfeeding). Oh and I am generally super fertile – pregnant my first month not preventing with both kids – so breastfeeding and NFP can both work.
Anonymous says
To delve a little more into the possible science of not getting pregnant too closely together, my doctor told me that while it was obviously my choice, for the optimal health of the mother he did not medically recommend children closer than 18 months apart. FWIW I had twins so this was a little exacerbated, but the way he explained it was that when you are pregnant, your body is prioritizing the child– if you are low on iron, the baby is probably NOT low on iron. It’s like a tiny parasite that takes what it needs and you get the nutrients left over. So he talked about some studies showing that close-together pregnancies can be related to things like osteoporosis later in life because your babies were sucking all the calcium out of you (this is a generalization, this talk was two years ago). The gap in between lets your body build itself back up to normal vitamin/mineral levels.
And I will add another point on the anecdata chart of knowing someone who got pregnant 3 months after baby #1 and it dried her milk up immediately. No more EBF. So depending on how much you prioritize that over close-together kids, I’d take that into consideration.
Postpartum anon says
I’m a few weeks postpartum and I am getting sick of wearing my maternity clothing. Anyone have any suggestions of some “loungewear” that would make me feel a bit more pulled together and positive about my postpartum bod? TIA!
Anonymous says
I got some Old Navy “rockstar” high rise jeans in a size up. They were super stretchy, quite comfortable and super cheap. I don’t like spending money on new clothes as my size fluctuates postpartum, but it was easy to pull the trigger on these.
Anonymous says
Agree with this. High rise jeans work great post partum and they’re in right now. I hit up some cheapo stores – Forever 21, Target, even Walmart for a few things to tide me over. Check out the blog for “Get Your Pretty On” which suggests how to get out of a mom rut and provides updates on the latest trends to keep you looking cute and out of yoga pants 24/7.
GCA says
+1 to the Old Navy Rockstar jeans one size up. I also like Athleta leggings and joggers, regular size or one size up.
Anonymous says
An expedition to Old Navy or Target or similar is in order. You will feel loads better just having something that fits!
ChiAnon says
I’ve mentioned these before for post-partum, but Madewell Roadtripper jeans. Super comfortable, and were the only jeans I felt comfortable in for at least 6 months after the birth of my last baby.
Pogo says
My fall PP look was Zella high-waisted leggings, patterned button downs from J Crew, and a chunky open-front sweater. Pair with booties or cute ballet flats and I felt like a real person, and the button-down and open-front sweater worked for nursing. Pattern on the shirt hides spit up.
KateMiddletown says
I can’t wait to buy my first pair of high-waised Madewell jeans PP. I’m not sure how long it’s going to take me to get up the courage to go clothes shopping again after baby.
For work-appropriate stuff that’s relatively cheap, I’ve hd luck w/ J Crew Factory/Mercantile while I wait to get back into my real clothes.
Anonymous says
My definition of loungewear doesn’t include jeans :). I’d look for athleisure–high-waisted leggings from Lulu would be my base.
anon says
+1 Or Old Navy if you don’t want to pay lulu prices. I’d get some leggings you feel comfortable in and a cute, comfy hoodie.
AwayEmily says
Same –I didn’t put on jeans for at least six months post-partum. Yeah, go to Target and Old Navy — they have lots of cute jogger-style lounge pants.
Anon says
Can we talk about 4 year old tantrums? They usually come when kiddo is exhausted or frustrated and I used to give her “time in” and offer a hug and extra kindness, but that hasn’t been working. The tantrums are also bigger and badder. She’ll just cry and scream for longer, really testing my patience, making it harder for me to be empathetic. Help.
Anonymous says
After a couple weeks of awful behavior by my almost 3 year old combined with lots of solo parenting, I was out of patience on Friday evening. My child was having yet another tantrum, and I (not yelling) told her exactly how sick I was of them and how sad and frustrated they made me. I was also in tears. Not my proudest moment at all. But guess what, we had a wonderful weekend with hardly any tears (by anyone). I do plan to be patient and empathetic going forward to the best of my ability. But I also can’t say it didn’t work to change her behavior.
Anonymous says
I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world for your children to know how their behavior makes you feel. We are all imperfect humans.
Mrs. Jones says
+1
anon says
Also +1. It’s important for kids to know that their behavior has consequences (including affecting the emotions of the people around them), and it sounds like you told her that in a relatively calm, adult way, and without withholding affection, which is awesome.
Anonymous says
Ive had the most success with structural changes. I’ve really been focusing on not letting her get so exhausted and simplifying our routines. As a bonus, I’m much more relaxed and patient when the daily routine is simple.
Anonn says
Solidarity. My 4 yo has been a mess of tantrums the last couple months in a way she never was at 2 or 3. She’s also added a dose of extreme language to every one of them — “so I’ll NEVER get to play with [x] again?” (when a toy is taken for the typical 24-hour toy time out) or the dagger-to-the-heart totally unprompted sob of “so you don’t love me anymore?” She’ll swing from, “I hate you. You’re a mean mommy and I’m never going to snuggle you again” to “I love you, Mommy” with cuddling in a matter of minutes. It’s emotionally exhausting for us as parents to be consistent and explain the same consequences we’ve always had, that we love her no matter what, but that doesn’t mean our actions don’t have consequences, and to be empathetic to her fluctuating emotions. I broke down and asked Dr. Google and apparently the huge emotional swings are totally developmentally normal for a 4 yo. No tips or tricks for getting through them, but wanted you to know that you’re not alone.
anon says
Recently, quoting a song from the new Muppet Babies show helped my kid come down from a massive meltdown. It goes “big angry feelings never last that long.” I sang it a little and then asked how we could make the big angry feelings go away. The answer was go to the playground, which fortunately was feasible at that time.
OP says
Any tips on how to simplify routines? I feel like I’m going to my grave wondering how to get the kids to bed earlier.
Clementine says
IME, the only way is to lower your standards.
Give them fewer baths or showers or give them quicker dinners or read them fewer books or don’t clean up the kitchen before you put them down. That’s the only way I’ve found.
Alternately, figure out a way so they’re eating dinner at 4:30/5 on the dot so the entire process is earlier. Not shorter, earlier.
rakma says
After dinner, we do the dishes, but the other things I like to do to prepare for the next morning happen after bedtime. I found I was spending too much time finding shoes and packing lunches when the kids really would rather have 15 minutes of my undivided attention, and I can get it done faster after they’re in bed anyway. This allowed us to bump up bedtime by almost half an hour, which we really needed this fall.
For bedtime, everything happens in one room, right now the master bedroom/attached bath. PJs, washing up, brushing teeth, the whole routine from going upstairs to getting into beds happens right there, for both kids at the same time. It makes use of the fact that the little one wants to to exactly what her big sister is doing, and we keep all of the bedtime supplies in one place, lessening the running around the house.
Also, bath 2x a week, not every night, and the big one gets one book, only one book ever, then lights out. (we read plenty during the day!)
Anonymous says
How old are the kids?
Anonymous says
For us, it means after care pick up at 6, Home at 6:20, dinner at 6:45, bath at 7:15, book at 7:45, light out at 8. No screens or tv. It’s not always perfect but if I add anything more it falls apart.
MomAnon4This says
This. It’s automatic. It is tough because it limits the playtime that they have with you or other adults in your house, but they’re so much happier when they are playing. And you get that hour of 8pm back!
H13 says
The best thing we do is put have our five-year-old sleep in the next day’s clothes. Eliminates the struggle the next morning and cuts down on laundry. I can’t wait to be able to do the same with our 1.5 year old.
I also agree with lowering expectations, fewer baths, etc. Our biggest hangup is dinner prep.
Anonymous says
I’m always confused when people say this. Do your kids wear soft leggings and sweatshirts only? It seems so uncomfortable to sleep in denim or anything with buttons or zippers.
H13 says
Honestly, he exclusively wears sweatpants or joggers in fall/winter/spring or elastic waist shorts in the summer with a t-shirt or long sleeve shirt. No buttons or zippers on anything.
rakma says
Yup, DD only wears elastic waistbands due to fit issues and also, it’s easier for using the bathroom at school.
Anon says
My kid sleeps in “tomorrow’s clothes” in the sense that we leave her in her PJs all day unless they are leaving the house. It’s starting to end now that she wants to play outside during the day and is big enough to do so not strapped in a stroller.
Anonymous says
My rule is that if it takes more than 15 minutes to put it on the table it isn’t an option. Which means leftovers Monday, pasta Tuesday, something I’ve premise wed and Thursday and take out pizza Friday (or homemade, stamina depending). We do a lot of eggs/omelette, pasta with veggies, a stir fry with chicken and veggies I cut up over the weekend, and sometimes after bedtime I’ll do a sheet pan meal for the next day and bake it all from like 8:30-9:25.
MomAnon4This says
Also this. A lot of hot dogs, chicken nuggets, pasta. veggies usually are microwaved from frozen or, not gonna lie, applesauce.
H13 says
Do you and your partner eat what they eat? My struggle is that my husband wants a meat and lots of veg with every meal. He won’t do just pasta or pizza for dinner. He is willing to do the shopping/cooking but it means dinner isn’t on the table until 6/6:30. We’ve got to find a way to do better prep.
Anonymous says
Sunday- roast a big manly meat and enough veg for sun and mon. Tuesday- chicken and veg stir fry he chopped Sunday. Wed freezer meal. Thursday supermarkets chicken and salad
KateMiddletown says
I first heard this idea when Mitt Romney was running for president, and his mom used to do that for their family, apparently. I think it’s genius!
KateMiddletown says
Putting kids to bed in their clothes for the next day (ugh threading.)
anon says
This is hard. Here’s what works for us:
– We eat around 6 p.m. On the few nights when we have to eat later, it throws everything off.
– Kids don’t get baths/showers every night.
– Reading time is built into evening playtime, rather than the bedtime routine.
– I’ve greatly simplified our weeknight meals. That is not the time to experiment with new recipes. Or even follow a recipe. ;) Our goal is to have something nutritious, but relatively simple. My brain is DONE at 5:30 p.m.
– I have no issues with putting my kids to bed while they’re still awake. I know some parents won’t leave the room until the child is asleep, but we just … don’t do that.
– We don’t do TV/screens on weeknights. Not because I’m morally opposed, but because it actually makes the transitions harder for us, not easier.
Pogo says
+1 to all of this.
My only struggle is that I can’t get family dinner done for 6pm. So LO eats at 6, then goes to bed, and then we eat. I want to get us all eating at 6 but I’m going to have to fully embrace meal prep the night before or on the weekend.
EB0220 says
I write about this a lot on my site (morning, evening, work morning, bedtime, cleaning etc), but a few thoughts:
– I find it really helpful to have dinner that requires zero prep. Either crockpot, Rotisserie chicken or my husband starts something to be ready by 5:30 (he works from home when not traveling)
– OR I like to cook something simple that the kids can help with
– Limit after-school kid activities to once a week
– Grocery pickup
– Zero shopping whatsoever during the week
– Frequently do wipe downs or quick showers/baths. I usually wash their hair and trim nails once a week on Sunday.
– Get some hydration and nutrition on the drive home to give yourself energy
– Empty dishwasher in the morning if it feels like too much at night.
– Clear bedtime routine and I stay on the kids to go through the steps. If I give them leeway they just go off the rails.
– Rules around bedtime (each kid gets 1 book and 1 song) to ward off arguments/stalling
– Their Remi clock goes on promptly at 8 and starts playing music, so everyone knows that it’s time to get in bed then
– I usually have a babysitter put them to bed one weekday evening a week just for a break
It is a really hard time of day and I’m always working on it.
CPA Lady says
Kid gets bath 2x per week, and bath is not part of bedtime routine. It takes place directly after dinner in lieu of an evening activity.
The key for us is to be incredibly rigid and consistent and not give in to any requests.
Bedtime begins when timer goes off at 7 pm on the dot.
Kid goes into room and goes potty and brushes teeth.
Puts on tomorrow’s clothes (dress)
Picks out book.
Book is read.
Water bottle is filled and handed over to child once child is in bed.
Three songs are sung.
Kid gets 4 hugs and 4 kisses per parent because she is 4 years old.
Sound machine on, lamp off.
Shut door.
At this point it is approx 7:20.
I have no clue what to do with more than one kid.
CPA Lady says
ALSO, if kid messes around, dawdles, or pitches a fit, she will lose either book or songs or both depending on how she’s behaving.
The good thing about being a hard a$$ is that you don’t have to do it too many times before your kid gets the idea that you’re serious. She rarely loses book or song time.
Anonymous says
yup, this is our consequence for dawdling and other misbehavior, too. I always like to frame it as: Bedtime is at 8:00, no matter what. If you take too long doing xyz, or spend 10 minutes throwing a tantrum, there isn’t enough time left at the end for all your stories and songs.
AwayEmily says
+1 on having a consequence for dawdling. Ours is that she doesn’t get to put her animals to bed (usually she sings them a song and tucks them in).
EB0220 says
+1 My kids get a max of 2 books but could get zero if their nighttime clock turns to “Sleep” before they’re done with everything else. FWIW they don’t get extra books because that just doesn’t seem to work well for them!
Anonymous says
Here’s what “works” (I use that term loosely) for us with kids ages 5, 3, and 2:
Home no later than 6, kids play until dinnertime. One parent makes dinner, the other has kid duty as needed
Family dinner by 6:30 (half hour, max).
Bath/shower: optional, and joint/assembly line style. They get bathed if they’re filthy, or otherwise at least ever 3rd day.
If both parents are home, one of us takes the 2 year old and does PJs, teeth, stories, songs and bed. Goal is to have him in bed by 7:30, and he’s super chill about it these days and doesn’t resist. Meanwhile, the other parent supervises bedtime routines for the older kids. We have routine charts for them that include
– PJs on
– Use bathroom, brush teeth
– Lay out clothes for tomorrow
– Clean up your toys (if toys are already all put away, they can have an extra story instead)
Each kid gets to pick 1 book, but we read to both together.
Head on pillow, blanket on, then we sing one song for each
Hugs & kisses, lights out
Goal bedtime for the older kids is 8. They share a room, and frequently stay up for at least another half hour quietly chatting with each other, singing songs, etc. As long as they stay in their respective beds and aren’t being loud, I usually leave it alone.
If only one parent is home, the older kids are left unsupervised for their bedtime routine at first, which often means they just don’t do it, and this pushes their bedtime back by 20-30 minutes. No screen time on weeknights, it only leads to tears and tantrums when I turn it off.
We often do dinners that need attention from the chef, but nothing that can’t be complete in 30-40 min.
Often at least one kid “helps.” Whoever gets home first will start dinner. We run the dishwasher at night, and I empty it in the morning while the kids eat breakfast. This really only saves 2-5 minutes in the evening, but somehow makes everything so much smoother. I also make sure the kitchen and table are totally clean before I leave in the morning, so dinner prep can start immediately. After dinner, we load up the dishwasher, but leave any pots and pans until after the kids are in bed.
We do not currently have any evening activities. We also don’t grocery shop during the week, except to the extent we can do it without impacting the evening routine– I might grab a gallon of milk during my lunch break, or husband might shop if he gets out of work early, but we do our shopping on weekends or after the kids are in bed. Grocery stores are very peaceful at 9pm!
Anonymous says
More bedtime advice requested! My 3.5-year-old is really not interested in going to sleep most nights until 9 or later. We put him to bed at 8:15, but it takes 45 minutes + of crying, cajoling, threatening, cuddling (we’re clearly not doing a great job with consistency and discipline here) until he’s asleep. He takes a 1-2 hour nap at preschool (usually closer to 2 hours). He shares a room with my nearly 6-year-old. The older kid just started kindergarten and would probably be asleep by 8:15 or earlier if it weren’t for his younger brother riling him up. Last night they were both asleep by 8:30, but they had a really active day and the 3-year-old only had a 1-hour nap. I think my two options are (1) put older boy to bed first (hard if solo parenting, and both boys are really not into this idea) and/or (2) try to get preschool teachers to have him take a shorter nap. Thoughts?
AwayEmily says
Do you think he’s tired but not sleeping at 8:15 or do you think he’s legitimately not tired? Could you give him a flashlight and some special books he’s only allowed to read at night?
Anonymous says
I think it’s usually that he’s legit not tired. When he’s really exhausted from the day, he does go to sleep. I like the idea of the flashlight. I’ll try it out, although I wonder if it will be another source of wildness among him and his brother….
Anon says
This is what worked for me – flashlight and tons of books. To start, let him pick out 3-5 books from the kids section of your local bookstore as his “special bed books”. Tell him he can stay up as late as he wants, as long as he’s quiet and stays in bed. There will be a week or two of shenanigans with the flashlights (take away one book at a time as a consequence) and then it’ll settle. My younger will sometimes be up until 10pm, but he’s quiet and his older sister in K can sleep peacefully in the next bed over.
Anonymous says
Or maybe a “permanent” clip-on light of some sort to reduce shenanigans.
H13 says
Are you open to dropping the nap? I would either work to drop it and move bedtime up or limit it especially since it is impacting your older son’s rest.
Anonymous says
Put them both to bed at 7:30.
Anonymous says
My kids would need to stay up later if they were still napping that muck at 3.5. My 5 y/o dropped her nap just before 3 and prior to that was up until 9. Now she’s consistently ready for bed at 7:45.
SC says
FWIW, my 3.5 year old is also still napping at preschool, and while we still try to put him in bed between 8 and 8:30, he often is still awake at 9 or 9:15, and even later (i.e., past my bedtime) on a few occasions. On the weekends, if he skips his nap, he happily goes to sleep at 7:30, or even earlier. So…yeah, the naps are the key factor for us. I’d prefer it if Kiddo didn’t nap at school and went to bed earlier, but (a) I think the nap probably helps him regulate his behavior for the rest of the day, and (b) I doubt his teachers/the director would be open to that since he’s still falling asleep during nap time.
Twin parenting books for toddlers? says
Any suggestions for twin parenting books after the infant stage, i.e. toddlers/preschoolers?
I know all the usual ones for singletons, but looking for something twin-specific, if there are any!
anon says
Oh my h3ll.
Fall outerwear has says
Need a good fall jacket for my 5 y/o (size xs). More than a hoodie, but less than her winter jacket. Fall in New England.
I feel like a fleece is the right answer? Or similar? She had a really cute knit jacket the last 2 years but it’s too small now.
AK says
Fleece or quilted down/faux down (“puffy jacket”)?
Here’s some options at Target (not providing links as I don’t want this to go to m0d):
Girls’ Solid Puffer Jacket – C9 Champion
Girls’ Down Puffer Jacket – Cat & Jack
Girls’ Long Sleeve Fleece Jacket – C9 Champion
Or while I was looking, a cute peacoat?
Girls’ Faux Fur Collared Pea Coat – Cat & Jack
Anonymous says
Puffer seems too warm? She hx a down puffer for winter.
Anonymous says
We just got one of these for our almost-three year old. We like it. https://www.columbia.com/girls-rain-zilla-jacket-1582891.html
Wind is a thing for us, so we didn’t want a fleece. However, we’ll probably still end up with a fleece for in the car seat during the winter months.
EB0220 says
We like fleece. LL Bean, Patagonia and REI seem to be pretty windproof.
Fall outerwear for girls? says
Need a good fall jacket for my 5 y/o (size xs). More than a hoodie, but less than her winter jacket. Fall in New England.
I feel like a fleece is the right answer? Or similar? She had a really cute knit jacket the last 2 years but it’s too small now.
Anonymous says
Do any of you have an au pair without having a separate, private suite for them? Trying to decide if having the au pair in our guest room on the first floor (where s/he would be using the only bathroom on that floor) would give everyone involved enough space and privacy. We are introverts, but trying to decide if we can get over it, given all the pros of having an au pair in our situation. Tell me your success stories?
anne-on says
You’ll probably get more responses tomorrow, but I’d say yes, au pair if you can possibly swing it is so worth it for parents of school aged kids when both parents work. We have our au pair in our only guest room with an en suite bath, and it is worth having guests have to deal with the twin in my office/sleeping bags. We also don’t have family come visit all that often.
I am a big introvert, but really almost all of the girls we’ve hosted were happy to spend more time with us in the beginning but very very quickly made their own groups of friends or would happily disappear into their own rooms with the bigger US netflix library ;)
If you haven’t already also check out aupairmom.com, lots of great advice.
Anonymous says
This is what I was hoping to hear! Thanks for the link. I may post again tomorrow morning for more input.
ER says
We have a small house. Our au pair shares a bathroom with the kids and any guests that we might have at the moment (and we have a lot). It is not a problem at all.
I am an introvert, but from a large family where we had lots of houseguests, and having someone else share my space doesn’t bother me at all. Nevertheless, our au pair really does not want to spend any times in the common spaces outside of her working hours. She’s either out of the house with friends or in her room video chatting with family.
Things that we have had to “get over” — my toddler wanting to use “her” potty while our au pair takes a long shower. Our au pair likes to use bath and body works products and I can’t stand the smell. Our au pair is crazy clean and leaves every space cleaner than she found it — but if she didn’t, it would drive me absolutely crazy.
FWIW, we specifically looked for an extroverted au pair with the hopes that she would make friends easily and spend her “off” time out of our house.
DO IT! Having an au pair has been lifechangingly awesome for our family.
Anonanonanon says
“We specifically looked for an extroverted au pair”… that totally would not have occurred to me, but now that I’ve read it it’s a “duh!” moment for me! I was thinking introverted so she wouldn’t want to hang out with us, but an extrovert who would want to use her spare time to go out and about makes a lot of sense!
Anonymous says
Motherhood maternity bounceback line. Like maternity pants, but instead of a panel that’s designed to expand (and expand . . . and expand. . . ), it’s a panel with very very light compression. Comfortable enough for all day wear but still holds you in. I love them and may never go back to buttons and zipper. And they are reasonably stylish!