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This is my husband’s new favorite shirt. When out for a Costco run, he came back with two of them, and then after wearing one of them he ordered the other colors online. Right now, only the black is available online, but I’ve seen the others at the stores. These are lightweight, wash well, and feel nice. The price can’t be beat! Currently they are $7.99, but the regular price is $9.99. Men’s Ultra Lux Polo We made it to Friday! What are some of the cute things your kids have said or done this week?Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
With all the $2,000 dresses that are featured on the main site, I am just so charmed by the inclusion of an $8 Costco shirt that is deeply loved.
Happy Friday!
ElisaR says
I agree – it sounds like this recommendation is actually endorsed by a human and not just selected by someone doing pretend online shopping.
HSAL says
Yes to this. It’s so nice to get the scoop from people who have actually used/worn suggested products.
Lyssa says
IKR! My husband can be pretty picky (OK, snobbish) about clothes, but we did just get a Costco membership. Wonder if I can sell him on this? Hmmm.
Pogo says
hahah these are my FIL’s favorite shirts. They buy everything at Costco.
Artemis says
Me too! I do love some of those $2k dresses but never gonna happen. Aaaaaand I have a ton of clothes myself from Costco . . tshirts, shorts, joggers, jackets, swimsuits, pajamas . . . I have yet to be disappointed.
Em says
Costco does have some great clothes! My husband bought a ton of knock-off North Face jackets there to have embroidered with their company’s logo and everyone LOVES them.
So Anon says
Looking for recommendations for a new couch. The last one I bought was from Restoration Hardware, and it started to look worn quickly, despite the lack of use (pre-kids and I was in biglaw so I wasn’t home much). Any recommendations on brands that are comfy and durable? We do not have an IKEA close.
AwayEmily says
We have the IKEA Kivik sectional and it still looks brand-new after five years of hard use from two toddlers. I know you say you don’t have an IKEA near you but they now do surprisingly affordable shipping to a lot of places. Our closest IKEA is several hundred miles away, and so we had a ton of stuff shipped last summer (including an entire outdoor furniture set). The shipping charge was a flat fee of $45, and it was a good way to stock up on a bunch of random ikea stuff we needed.
Anonymous says
This. I check the shipping for my main item and then just keep adding random stuff until it bumps to the next cost bracket, then take out a few things. Washable slip covered sofas are clutch for me with 3 kids.
Anonymous says
Is it the fabric or the cushions? I would try getting them restuffed if they cushions are all sunken in. That really gave new life to my old sofa.
Anonymous says
This is a thing!??? Thank you!
Anonymous says
Yep, it was around $300ish? Upholstery companies will offer that service. Any sofa with softer/comfier cushions will sink down over time. My R&B sofa was in great shape except for the cushion fill, which looked sad and deflated after 5 years. Took the seat cushions for a fill and it still looks great almost 5 years later.
Anne says
Our Room and Board couch is two kids and several years in and still going strong. Great customer service and made in the USA.
CCLA says
We love everything we have from room and board…our next couch will be from there for sure, and all other furniture (tables, upholstered chairs, nursery furniture) we have of theirs is going strong a few years in. Also can’t beat their service.
Anonymous says
I just got a R&B sofa and while I love it, the fabric has started to pill after less than a year. Granted it did get a TON of use while I was on maternity leave, but I’m still pretty disappointed for how expensive it was.
FVNC says
I’ve posted on the main s i t e about my enduring love for Sherrill couches. As I’ve said over there, the only “problem” is that I can’t justify replacing my now-12 yr old couch, even though I’d love to redecorate a bit, because it still looks brand new.
ElisaR says
we are working with an architect on a mudroom and the initial design had the bulk of the wall dedicated to hooks. I had her change it to a big closet. What do you all think a family would use more? A closet or hooks? (keep in mind we are in a house built in 1930 with virtually no closet on the first floor and have been making do with 2 over the door hooks on our basement door.) My boys are 3 and 1.5 years old.
I always doubt myself when I change something that a professional chose to do
Anon says
I would much prefer hooks in a mudroom, but we have a coat closet in our first floor formal entryway. If you have no coat closet, a closet is probably more useful.
AwayEmily says
We have a system where we have one hook for each person, and that’s where we put our two or three “most used” coats (or purses or hoodies or whatever). All our other stuff gets hung in the closet. This has cut down on clutter substantially compared to when we only had the closet. So I’d say maybe you don’t need a whole wall, but try to find room for at least four hooks.
anne-on says
Can you do 3/4 hooks/bench and 1/4 closet? Oh, and TOTALLY do a bench for shoes if you can. We have a small coat closet and a large piece of furniture similar to this. The cubbies and hooks are SO key to keeping that area clean. Closet is for out of season coats/jackets/shoes, and we try to limit 1-2 jackets/pairs of shoes to the armoire. Cubbies are also nice (big, deep ones!) for sports equipment, helmets, snow boots, etc. as they get bigger.
https://www.potterybarn.com/products/livingston-entryway-tower/?catalogId=41&sku=1159434&cm_ven=PLA&cm_cat=Google&cm_pla=Furniture%20%3E%20All%20Entryway%20%3E%20Hall%20Trees&cm_ite=1159434&gclid=CPC-tMnJ1-ICFQGvyAodL3EDlw
ElisaR says
oh yeah our shoe situation at the moment is completely out of control and that’s one of the main reasons for this addition.
Workmom says
We have a wall of hooks with shelves/cubbies above them, and I like that a lot. It keeps the floor clear but still allows a space to set things down.
Anonymous says
Our mudroom only has hooks (6 for the two toddlers, 6 for the two adults) and it works great. We keep the most-used coats out there and put all the others in a closet elsewhere in the house. Other things that are key for reducing clutter are bins for hats/scarves/mittens (if you’re in a cold climate) and bins for shoes. In an ideal world I’d have a set of these for each family member, but with limited space I’d prioritize shoe storage.
Anonymous says
My garage enters into the laundry room so we use the front door more. In the front porch, we have a hook and small basket for each person and a bench. Most used coat/sun hat etc goes there. The front hall has a closet with all the other coats on hangers and shoe racks.
I like having both as I think they serve different purposes.
ElisaR says
yeah I wish both was an option! i’m going to try to do both in the mudroom but not sure which to prioritize. Thank you everyone for your input!
Anonymous says
Hooks above a bench with cubbies is what I would implement if I had space for a mud room. My kids will hang their coats on a hook by themselves, but they’re much less reliable with hangers. I’d still want a closet for coats I’m not using regularly, but it doesn’t need to take up a whole wall.
Hooks also might be best to keep people moving through the space quickly and efficiently. My 1940s house has a coat closet that you can’t get to when the front door is open, which makes a big traffic jam when the whole family’s coming in at once.
EB0220 says
If I could design something I would do a big shoe storage bench with hooks above and then cubbies mounted on the wall above that. Also – get large hooks that have a lot of space between.
ElisaR says
the plans have a window over the bench…. the window is obviously taking up some of that space that is valuable…. maybe we can tweak that with a smaller window up high and hooks below
Anonymous says
I guess it depends on how big your mudroom is. Mine is a glorified closet with cubbies, hooks, and seating. Adding doors or a closet would make it seem small. We also have a closet downstairs, though. Really I would just do what *you* like.
Anonymous says
Could you do a closet but set it up with hooks, shelves and bins inside? We had a 1920s house with an oddly small (like, 12″ deep) closet and that’s how we used it. It was great because it was all the benefits of the mudroom hooks with the added bonus of being able to shut the door and make the mess go away.
Anonymous says
I love this idea and you can see an example of a “hidden mud room” from younghouselove in their current house. What I hate about mudrooms is having everything out in the open.
Ifiknew says
I have a one week old who wakes to nurse every hour and nurses for half hour. I can’t remember this with my older daughter, I seem to remember her waking every 2 to 3 hours. He also requires bouncing and shushhing to get to sleep and I am so beyond tired. I try to rest when u can during the day but it’s my h harder now with a toddler. Is this just how it goes or anything I should be doing at this point? We have a snoo but it hasn’t made a difference at this point.
Anon says
I think some babies are probably just naturally like this, sorry. I will say that my daughter was a great sleeper but she woke every 30-45 minutes for her first 3 or 4 days of life. She was big at birth (9 lbs) and just wasn’t getting full on colostrum/early milk. The nurses kept urging me not to supplement because she didn’t meet the medical definition of malnourished (she was right around the 10% weight loss limit) but it was clearly hunger that was waking her up. As soon as we started supplementing with formula, she started sleeping 3-4 hour stretches and within a month was doing a 6-7 hour stretch. Something to consider trying if you’re open to it.
Anonymous says
Have you seen a lactation consultant? Can you hear him swallowing milk? Nursing for that long at one time and so frequently makes me think of one of my twins who had a lip tie. He wasn’t get a lot of milk at each session so he was constantly wanting to nurse.
If he likes bouncing, I’d like him nap in a carrier or wrap sometimes. The skin to skin comforts them at this age. That allows you to still do quiet activities with toddler like read a book or color or paint or playdoh.
ElisaR says
that cluster-feeding phase can be brutal. I went through the same thing – I think it’s fairly typical. My only advice is….. 6 weeks! It gets better at 6 weeks. I know it feels like a world away right now.
OP says
He was checked out by the lactation consultants at the hospital and our pediatrician and both said he had a great latch :/ I’m worried I’m not producing enough but he’s having tons of wet and poop diapers so ugh, I’m not sure. He’s so sleepy that I’m not sure if he’s actively sucking or swallowing.. So maybe that’s the issue?
Anonymous says
To keep them awake long enough to feed enough to sleep for a longer stretch, I stripped them to their diaper to feed, then sometimes express into their mouths as they were nursing to motivate them. Then change their diaper after they finished on the first side to wake them up enough to feed on the second side. Keeping a cold facecloth nearby to wake baby up with is also handy.
Feeding was usually a two person job whenever DH was home. I would have him tickle baby’s feet or use a cool cloth on his head while i was using both hands to hold baby in the correct position for nursing. It gets easier after a couple weeks. It’s still early days yet so just take it one day at a time.
Anonymous says
Keep a cold facecloth nearby to dab his face and keep him awake. Or tickle his feet or change his diaper. Keeping a newborn awake long enough to get a solid feed into them is tricky sometimes but it usually pays off with a longer sleep. Often I would let them finish one side, change diaper then do the other side. Or if they feel asleep after the first side, let them doze on the nursing pillow for 10-15 mins then wake them up for the second side. You should be able to see/hear the ‘suck,suck, swallow’ pattern and hearing the little ‘gulg, gulg’ noise as he’s swallowing. Hang in there, it gets easier as each day goes by.
ElisaR says
I’m sure you’re producing enough. I only made milk on one side due to surgery I had years ago and that was enough. So if you have 2 functioning ones I’m sure you’re likely good. The advice you got here is good, tickle the feet to keep him awake. But know that this feeding every hour or 2 is ok. It’s normal. In fact, it serves a purpose. By him constantly feeding on you it makes you make more milk so he will be well fed as he continues to grow. It’s totally natural and totally brutally exhausting.
Anonymous says
If he has enough poopy/wet diapers then your supply is just fine. If you want to give formula or pumped milk, then do, but it sounds like b-feeding is going well and normal for you. Giving a few bottles of formula a day will start the supplementation cycle (you skip a feeding while dad gives a bottle, body makes less milk, cycle repeats). This is totally up to you though and however you feed your baby is the right choice. FWIW my daughter was a huge cluster feeder and day 8/9 after birth was the worst. Literally on my b**b for 5hrs straight. It’s just your supply increasing. The relationship with every nursing baby is different so just because he’s unlike your daughter doesn’t mean there’s something wrong. But I’ve totally been there and I commiserate with you! The first 2-4 weeks are HARD. Hang in there!
Pogo says
Mine definitely had this stage. So much cluster feeding. I added a pumping session in the morning after his first feed and had DH give him that bottle around 9-10 – and I would go up to bed before that to try and get a couple solid hours of night time sleep. The pumping also helped my production, I think.
It is possible he is falling asleep during feedings. It just took time for mine to get past that. Hugs! I accepted that my life was to be camped out on the couch watching Netflix and nursing for almost the first 2mos of kiddo’s life. And see above re: trying to get one longer block of night time sleep.
GCA says
If he’s actively nursing every hour and has enough dirty diapers that unfortunately sounds normal – I’d be more concerned if he wasn’t eating. (My first was jaundiced and too sleepy to eat very much for the first few days, which made the jaundice worse.) I’m sure he’ll outgrow it soon as he gets more alert. Can you wear him in a wrap? Some babies are soothed better by the closeness and motion.
Anonanonanon says
Are you against trying a bottle? Either of pumped milk, formula, or a combination of the two? If he chugs the bottle and then sleeps for longer, you’ll have that evidence to help you figure out what’s going on. If it makes no difference, then you know that too.
When my daughter was born her latch and my supply were fine, but she kept falling asleep during nursing. They had me give her a bottle and came back later to ask how many mL she’d had and I was like “um…. the whole 2 ounces”. After that she BFed like a champ, it was like it clicked for her.
AwayEmily says
+1 to this and despite what fearmongering people on the internet will sometimes you, if your supply is fine (and if he is making tons of dirty diapers then it almost certainly is) then skipping a feeding will not tank your supply. I spent so much needless time worrying about that…I wish for my own mental health I’d taken some bottle breaks (either pumped or formula) in the first couple of weeks and let myself get some sleep.
Anon says
I agree skipping a feeding here or there is fine, but just also noting that you don’t have to skip a feeding to bottle-feed. You can offer a bottle immediately after every nursing session to “top him off.” I supplemented formula for the first 6 weeks of my daughter’s life and that’s what I did.
anon says
Just adding: nipple confusion before three weeks is a myth. I would 100% try pumped milk, and TBH, if it were me, I would just add formula. Fed is best and you NEED some sleep.
Pogo says
+1 see my response above. Ped actually told us to start a bottle at like 5 days because he had lost so much from his birth weight – so I added the pumping session and the bottle feed in the evening. I also used formula to supplement sporadically in those first couple months – when I really needed a break I’d sleep with earplugs in and tell my mom or husband to give him whatever he needed, even if it was a bottle of formula. I never went more than 2-3 hours without pumping or feeding, though, in the first 2 months (however when you aren’t sleeping AT ALL, a 3 hour stretch is heaven!)
GCA says
+1. Do not believe a thing about nipple confusion, at least that young. We supplemented both kids at birth for a few weeks to prevent/ treat jaundice, and I was fearmongered into using an SNS tube and syringe system for my first – so much hassle, so much crying over spilled milk and him not latching. I’m still traumatized. We used bottles and size 0 teats with kid 2 from the start, both formula and pumped milk, and she was fine. To the point where she refused the bottle when she first started daycare at 3 months, but that’s another story!
Also, if substituting a bottle of formula or pumped milk for a direct latch, you don’t necessarily have to pump every single time baby eats. I found that to maintain supply in the early months (after the initial first weeks of engorgement), I just had to make sure to empty the breast every 3 to 4 hours or so.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
THIS THIS THIS. That tube and syringe thing was SO stressful, in addition to DS having a tongue tie.
Wish we had just used bottles and formula while waiting for my milk to come in. To be fair, I think there is such limited research on lactation (because we hate women and their bodies in this country, sorry in a MOOD TODAY) – when DS was born in 2017 I was taught about nipple confusion in the breastfeeding class offered by a very well-respected and clinically strong source, and then months later I remember hearing it’s a myth.
I do think all babies have preferences, and mine LOVED his bottle that first year way more than nursing!
Anonymous says
Adding another anecdote that n*pple confusion wasn’t an issue for my infant either. She started out with bottles (some formula, some pumped milk once mine came in) in the NICU and transferred to nursing after a few weeks after she figured out the whole nursing thing. I pumped maybe every 3-4 hours during the day and closer to 5-6 hours at night and my supply ended up fine. She’ll be 4 months next month and hasn’t had any formula since she was about a month old. She both nurses at home and takes bottles at daycare / occasionally from DH like a champ.
Anonymous says
Whoops 4 months old next week.
Anon says
So I will be the dissenter and say that I started formula in the hospital on day 2 of my daughter’s life and I do think it resulted in a bit of nipple confusion. Her latch was never great or well-established, but the first day she did nurse at the breast and then after she had the bottle (which she took to completely and immediately) she wasn’t enthusiastic about latching onto my bare breast. BUT it all turned out fine. I just used a nipple shield when I nursed her, which mimics a bottle much more closely. It was no big deal, made nursing much more comfortable for me, and I successfully nursed her until she was almost 2. So even if you do experience nipple confusion, there are solutions.
Pogo says
I forgot about the shield! I used it too at the advice of the LC at the hospital, though then the ped nurse told that it could reduce the amount LO was getting so I should wean him off it (all at the same appointment where we were told to add a bottle…I am surprised I didn’t burst into tears of confusion and stress right there!). I ended up only using the shield for 3 weeks but it did help a lot. I remember being so stressed and upset about it, but he ended up nursing like such a champ. Every kid has their own challenges as a newborn!
Anon says
Pogo, for what it’s worth the research that says shields reduce milk transfer is all really outdated and not based on the thin silicone shields available today. It’s a common myth that’s still repeated a lot but my ped said it wasn’t evidence-based, and when I looked up the studies myself they were all 30 years old and the shield technology has changed so much I kind of take them with a huge grain of salt.
shortperson says
get a snoo! you can buy used on CL now and resell for almost as much.
Anon says
She said she has a snoo
shortperson says
youre right i missed that. then i dont know.
Anonymous says
My tip – use a yoga/exercise ball to put him back to sleep if he needs bouncing/shushing. That way you at least are sitting down. We had to do this for the first 6 weeks for my daughter. Can your DH or someone at least put him back to sleep after feeding? Employ ALL the sleep aids like white noise and babywear if possible. Is your toddler home or in daycare? Can family/friends entertain your toddler while you focus on the baby?
TheElms says
Hang in there! I have a sleepy 2 week old who was big at birth, almost 9lbs, and lost 10% in the first few days in the hospitals s my milk was slow to come in. I’ve been feeding and pumping and now supplementing with formula to help her gain weight. She was not gaining despite having the correct number of wet and dirty diapers. I find a cold washcloth to the armpit works well to wake up a sleepy baby. As does tummy time before starting to feed, and burping mid feed or between sides. I can’t strip to the diaper because being cold burns calories and we need to conserve calories for weight gain. I feed first then pump and then if she is hungry by the time I finish pumping I give her what I pumped. If she is hungry after that but before 60 minutes or so pass I give her for formula. I don’t seem to have any milk for about 60 minutes after pumping. My supply is slowly increasing but it is such hard work. I basically get about 30 min breaks if all goes well and slightly longer breaks at night because mercifully she seems inclined to sleep at night most nights so far. It is so hard. But everyone promises me it will get better, so hopefully we can hang in there together. We did have one night where she nursed pretty much constantly from 10 until 3 am and then I gave formula and she was out for 4 hours.
Pogo says
Hugs, it does get better – see above for my very similar story :) We didn’t get my LO back above birth weight for over a month. I think part of it was that he was born such a big baby but my husband and I are relatively normal-sized (ped said “maybe he’s adjusting to his genetic potential”). So he did fall off the growth charts initially but he has since maintained. I really credit my ped with being calm and really responsive in that first month, or I would have gone off the deep end between the lack of sleep and worry about weight gain. I also advocate a good LC and weighed feedings – knowing that he was transferring milk and gaining weight helped SO much in those early weeks. Every ounce was a cause for celebration.
Anonymous says
It could just be the personality of the kid. For my second baby, though, it meant he wasn’t getting enough to eat – did not gain weight at all for a few weeks. As soon as he started getting enough to eat he was MUCH easier to settle, stayed asleep longer than an hour, and ate less frequent. Still never as good a sleeper as his brother though. For him/us, getting enough to eat meant supplementing, but that is not the case for everyone.
Anon says
Basing this question on the thread from Wednesday (and countless others) about husbands who don’t pull their weight regarding home/childcare and emotional labor. What advice would you give a younger person about how to feel out how a potential partner would be regarding these issues, prior to marriage/kids? Books to read, conversations to have, things to look out for?
My much-younger sister (23) and I had a heart-to-heart the other day about whether she is going to continue a relationship with her generally awesome boyfriend. They would be long distance for at least two years, as they are entering graduate programs in different cities. She does want to have kids eventually, and doesn’t want to commit to a long-distance relationship if he is someone she doesn’t see herself marrying and having kids with in the future.
Her concerns:
– He’s a self-professed feminist and generally nothing about this has given her pause, but she did say that they had a conversation about hypothetical future kids’ last names and he was pretty set on them having his last name (for no particular reason, just that he’d always imagined it that way). This really rubbed her the wrong way, as it would me, to be honest.
– They haven’t had a chance to live together (they’d be open to it, but circumstances haven’t really allowed for it), so she doesn’t have a great sense of how he would be in terms of sharing household tasks, etc. Due to graduate school, they won’t have the chance to do so in the near future. Also, in his family, the women are strong, capable, and career-oriented, but also responsible for the vast majority of childcare and emotional labor and household management (like, his Mom basically won’t let anyone help cook or clean). My sister would want a much more egalitarian set-up.
FWIW, my DH grew up in a similar manner (MIL was a stay-at-home parent doing cooking, cleaning, and basically around-the-clock care for DH’s sister, who had severe disabilities), and I would say we are pretty equal partners. He couldn’t cook when we met, but now does half the cooking and all of the grocery shopping, though I do the bulk of meal planning, for example.
Thoughts?
Anon says
Hmm, so I’d probably tell a friend that the name thing would give me pause too. But when I think about it, it was important to my husband for the kids to have our last name (though he would have been fine with me keeping my own name) and he’s an incredibly equal partner and in many ways the “default parent.”
I wouldn’t worry too much about the upbringing thing either. My husband’s mom worked but she still did 100% of the housework and childcare that wasn’t outsourced (my FIL is basically the worst human I’ve ever met, for this and many other reasons). My husband didn’t know how to turn on an oven when we met and now cooks the family dinner every night, does lots of baking with our kids on the weekend, will make me cookies when I have a bad day at work, etc. I really think as long as someone is willing and able to learn and do stuff around the house, they don’t have to be a domestic expert when you get married.
I think talking through these issues is more helpful than anything else, although I know that’s hard before you have kids because you can’t really anticipate everything kids will entail. One thing that I think is really helpful and is very indicative of how he’ll parent is: will he take all the paternity leave his company gives, and will he do it concurrently with her mat leave or is he open to doing it afterwards and being the workday childcare provider while she works? Will he be open to taking unpaid leave if necessary, assuming they can afford it? My husband took a long paternity leave after my leave, and that really set the tone for equal parenting early. I would absolutely balk at a man who says he might not take paternity leave because it would hurt his career or that he’d want it to overlap with my mat leave so I was home to help him. I would have major hesitation about a guy who said those things. One of my friends’ husbands said he’d take paternity leave, but he wanted part-time daycare to be on the table because he wasn’t sure he could “handle” being home alone with a baby all day every. That, my friends, is what you’d call a red flag. And indeed, he does nothing for the kids.
Anon says
And since I realized they’re starting grad school, perhaps an even better question is: When it comes time to look for full time employment, will he actively seek out a company that offers generous paternity leave, even at the expense of other interesting opportunities?
Em says
I watched that thread closely but didn’t chime in even though I had lots of thoughts on it. I do think there are relationships where there are red flags that someone won’t be a good partner when you have kids. As an example, my BIL is a super unhelpful partner who feels my sister should do the majority of the parenting but it was obvious that he would be this way before my sister married him because this was how he grew up and he voiced, multiple times, that he thought this was how a relationship and parenting should be. I think a lot of time it is a crap shoot, though, because parenting changes people. It is easy to say you are going to do something before you have kids (I was a judgey a-hole about screen time before I actually had a toddler) but it is totally different when the little people actually arrive. I probably shouldn’t have married my husband based on his background (grew up in a small town with very traditional beliefs, his grandmother believes and voiced to us that the woman’s job is to “raise the kids”, neither his dad nor his grandfather has ever changed a diaper/done laundry/cooked a meal), but he is a great father and partner. He does half the cooking and more than half of the hands-on parenting, despite the fact that my job has much more flexibility and requires less time than his does. He does almost all the baths and takes our son to most doctor/dentists appointments and extracurricular activities. I do almost all the “emotional labor” stuff, such as scheduling appointments, our budget, keeping track of our calendar, meal planning, but I would say overall we are usually 50/50 on household work. I think the most important thing is that a chose a nice, respectful guy who cares about me enough to pay attention to my needs and do the work that needs to be done if I am struggling. He is terrible about paying attention to scheduling, but respects me and our child enough that if I tell him our son has a doctor’s appt/class/etc. he will put it on his calendar and get it done without me having to nag him, because he recognizes it is important. He can also recognize if I am stressed about something and take the initiative to ask how he can help and follow through on whatever I tell him. I didn’t carefully choose to date someone who I thought would be an equal co-parent, though, I just chose someone who cared about my needs. The rest was really luck.
Anonymous says
You’re line about choosing a nice, respectful guy who cares about your needs is SO important. I wanted to put this into words but you did it better – it all comes down to respect. If your spouse respects you, appreciates you, then they more than likely pull their weight.
Anonymous says
I met DH when I was 23 and were LD for close to two years so I’d say:
– Does he live on his own now? Is his apartment tidy?
– does he do all his own laundry and dishes?
– can he cook? When they get together in the evenings, do they share grocery shopping, cooking,cleaning up?
– are they expressly talking about marriage?
– I expressly told DH that my career would be just as important as his and I expected him to take time off after each of our kids – he was fine with that.
– DH was okay with the kids having both of our last names but I picked going with just his. This point wouldn’t have been a deal breaker for me at all though. He didn’t care if I took his name or not. I added his name but it would have been a possible deal breaker if he was pushy about me talking his name.
– financial priorities – we agreed that travel and excellent childcare was a priority but driving new cars wasn’t – no right or wrong answer but an important consideration
– on the long distance stuff- do they have a schedule on which they will see each other? We tried to never go longer than 4 months (transatlantic long distance). This is about his commitment to making the relationship a priority and I think that carries over into making the family a priority down the road.
– how is he in bed? Someone that always makes sure their partner is well satisfied will often be concerned with their partner’s happiness in other areas.
Quail says
+1 to all of this. Great things to consider.
On the long-distance point – do they do summer internships in their grad programs? If so, is he committed to finding a mutually-advantageous city so they can live together then, even if it means limiting his potential internships? Same thing for post-grad school – have they decided where they want to live long term, and are there equal career options for both of them? What happens if she gets an awesome opportunity outside of the plan, and vice versa? I was long-distance with my spouse even after we got married (we were married at 24, during graduate school for both of us) and it was always understood that he would follow me where I got a job/post-doc as I had less flexibility, and that we would mutually decide where to spend our summers. And that was decidedly not in keeping with how his family of origin did things – as is much of the way we live our lives now – so I wouldn’t put too much stock in how they behave vs. what he’s telling her in words and actions.
Anonymous says
I could tell that my partner would pull his weight because he lived like a competent grown man when I met him. When I came over he could cook me dinner, he changed his sheets regularly, washed the dishes, etc. It wasn’t like he was a slob or having his mother come over to clean for him (one of my friend’s husband’s mothers would serious bring him dinner every night and take his laundry home – as a 30 year old . it should not be shocking that he’s not an equal parent). Granted when you’re younger it can be harder to suss out, but I would expect that a 23 year old could cook and clean. Another factor is what are their plans after grad school? What if they want to live in different cities – who has to compromise? Also, my husband would babysit his nieces and nephews and was a good uncle, which probably does not apply here.
Irish Midori says
This. When we met, DH had a house that was always clean and well-maintained, and cooked his own meals (and cooked for me when I came over). That instantly put him on my “marriageable” list. I can buy myself flowers and jewelry, but a man who does the dishes and laundry and fixes the ceiling fan when it doesn’t work? That’s a partner.
Anonymous says
I definitely don’t have all the answers, but a few thoughts:
My husband is definitely an equal partner – in fact right now he does more around the house than I do, and he does more than half of the daycare dropoff/pickup. (We have one child who is almost 4 months old so I spend a lot of time nursing her, part of my workday is less productive due to pumping, etc.) Yet he did have a preference for kids to have his last name, I think mostly because it’s just what is traditional so it’s just what he was used to. (Though it ended up being a non-issue because I decided to change my name when we married.)
DH and I started out long distance, got engaged about a year later, and we didn’t move in together until a few months after that. Even so, the transition to living together went quite smoothly. I think we were able to sort of practice living together by having some longer visits while we were long distance. It’s not the same as actually living together, but we were able to sort of practice how we would divide up some household things. It probably helped that we were both in our early 30s, so we had enough experience to know what we were looking for. Maybe your sister’s experience would be different, but I still think she can learn a lot if they make a point to spend a lot of time together during their semester breaks.
Your sister does have time on her side. Even if she ends up staying with her boyfriend for 2 years, then they move in together, then after maybe a year she realizes that he’s not the person she wants to marry, she will only be 26. She would still have plenty of time to meet someone else, marry, and have children. Not that this would be an ideal path, but all wouldn’t be lost if she bets on the wrong horse now!
Anon says
So, I’m admittedly biased because I would have missed out on my wonderful husband if I’d followed your rule, but I wouldn’t exclude a 23 year old for not knowing how to cook and clean. It’s definitely a failure on the part of his parents, but I’m not sure how much to blame the guy himself, especially if he went from parents’ house to a college dorm and is only living fully independently in the last year. A much bigger issue is his attitude, and whether he expects his female partner to do domestic tasks that he doesn’t know how to do or want to do. My husband was fine eating pasta and frozen meals when I met him, but when I said, “hey, this isn’t how I want to live and I’m not doing 100% of the cooking, so you’re going to need to figure it out,” he stepped up. He has a way more flexible schedule than me and now does virtually all of the cooking in our house, because we both like to eat as soon as I arrive home from work. Sometimes I make pancakes on weekends and that’s about it.
Basically, I completely agree with the person below who said 23 year olds are trainable and how you set the tone in your relationship from the beginning is way more important than what skills they had before they met you.
Anonymous says
I’d ask point blank how he sees the division of household labor on specific tasks, or what he thinks of the statistic that women in dual-career partnerships still end up doing the majority of housework and childcare. There are tons of books and news articles that could be the basis for the conversation.
However, I don’t think screening is the right approach. IMHO, the key to an equal relationship is taking proactive approach to setting up the division of labor, early, the way you want it to continue. 23 year olds are still learning to be adults! They’re trainable. A nice guy and self-professed feminist will probably not intentionally push back on attempts to get him to do his part, but it’s easy for anyone to develop expectations that their partner will continue to take care of the things they’ve “always” done. So if girlfriend/wife does all the cooking, cleaning, and mental/emotional labor when they first get together, and 5 years later demands help when a baby comes along, that’s going to require more work to correct. Specific to kids, going back to the comments a few people made about paternity leave earlier this week, a man who takes paternity leave and is the primary caregiver for several weeks or months is going to have a better appreciation of caregiving requirements and be more competent at them.
My husband and I met at 22 and married at 25, and we had a lot of really traditional ideas about gender roles and division of labor. He wanted me to take his name, and I did. We both expected that I would be a SAHM when we had kids, but instead we are on similar rungs of the career ladder. We’re pretty equal partners; leading me to believe that hypotheticals from a 23 year old are necessarily a life blueprint. At least in my case, they weren’t indicative of my husband being unwilling/unable to pull his weight at home.
My DH couldn’t cook when we met, but he’s gotten decent at it and does half of meal planning, shopping, meal prep, and cleanup. He is not great at cleaning outside the kitchen, but he hired our housecleaner. He hates laundry, so our compromise is that I wash and fold and he puts it away. He’s great with the kids and probably does more hands-on care than I do. He has ADD, and struggles with future planning unless it’s something that holds his interest, so our compromise there is that he does vacation planning and I do mundane stuff like scheduling/telling him to schedule home mx and doctor appts.
CPA Lady says
“However, I don’t think screening is the right approach. IMHO, the key to an equal relationship is taking proactive approach to setting up the division of labor, early, the way you want it to continue. ”
I could not agree with this more.
23 is somewhat of a blank slate when it comes to functioning in the adult world. They should not make the mistake of treating moving in like “playing house”. I think as long as they are pro-active about setting up household labor division from the beginning, that will be immensely helpful with setting a good precedent for when kids come along later. And something to remember is to communicate proactively. The times of biggest friction in our household labor division have been when we’ve been using an old system despite a major change in our situation and have not taken the time to re-work the plan. So tell her that whenever there’s a major change (new job, different commute, significant travel, new kid, different school, etc) they’ll need to proactively look at their division of labor and see if any changes need to be made.
Also, this might be horrifying to some of y’all, but supplementing with formula on purpose was really helpful in not being 100% the primary parent/baby’s only source of comfort from the beginning. As was going on a 3 day girls trip when the baby was 6 months old and leaving her with DH with no instructions. It really helped him gain confidence in himself and his parenting.
Anonymous says
The last name thing would give me pause. I thought it was a really interesting discussion too. My husband is a completely equal partner (sometimes I suspect he pulls a bit more than his weight…), despite growing up with a SAHM who is clearly pretty shocked at how much housework and childcare her son does. This did not necessarily happen overnight- one time he told me that it used to annoy him when his mom would leave dirty dishes in the sink for long period of time (yes I completely flamed him for that comment, and for not doing the dishes himself. Ironically he is now largely in charge of washing dishes in our house, because I didn’t like having my giant pregnant belly bump against the sink and that pattern continued after our kids were born). Some things I think that helped after we had our baby: He took off/worked from home for six weeks after the baby was born. So when I was losing my mind or struggling, he could step in. I also had very little childcare experience myself (I never babysat growing up), so we were pretty equally clueless and I in no way felt any claim to knowing the “right” way to do anything baby related. To be fair though, this is how it is in most of my friend’s relationships too- our husbands pull their weight, mine is not some magical unicorn. Growing up my mom did absolutely everything- breadwinner, big job, housework, childcare, etc, and my dad did nothing but complain. I know she is envious of that aspect of my relationship now, but it was a good model for what I absolutely did not want.
Anon says
How do you wash your young toddlers’ hands? We’ve just been using a wet washcloth before and after meals but our 14 month old is starting daycare soon and at daycare they wash hands at a sink when they enter the room. I’d like to start a similar practice at home to minimize how many daycare germs we bring home (though I realize it’s unavoidable to some extent). My friends are telling me to get a learning tower but I think they’re hideous and don’t want one cluttering up my kitchen. Can I just use a step stool at a bathroom sink? Any recs? She isn’t walking yet and doesn’t stand that well either (she will stand up to get a toy she wants but if we try to force her to stand up when she doesn’t want to, she’ll just sit back down). But I’m hoping daycare will get her in the habit of standing at the sink for hand-washing.
CCLA says
At that age we mostly used a wet cloth, too, unless they were really gross rather than just messy. We introduced a stool around 18 months though she wasn’t quite tall enough to comfortably reach with it until closer to 2, which is also when we started enforcing post-daycare hand-washing due to new baby. Before the new baby we didn’t care much about the germs. Faucet extender is also helpful.
Anonymous says
Step stool at bathroom sink or kitchen sink depending on what’s closer. Usually I soap up my hands then rub them over hers and hold under water to rinse. I like the Ikea bekvam step stool which is wood so paintable to match your decor.
Anonymous says
We held her over the sink and washed one at a time with soap. Around 18 months she could do it herself or with assistance so a step stool and faucet extender in the bathroom is fine.
Anon says
This.
Em says
I love our learning tower but getting one for the purpose of washing hands is insane – those things are outrageous and we don’t even use ours to wash hands. We just hold our son over the sink.
Anon Lawyer says
Any thoughts on nanny share v. daycare for an infant who will be starting at about 4 months old? In my city, it seems like nanny shares are more expensive than most daycares – probably an extra $500/month – but I’m starting to wonder if that’s worth it. I’ve been touring daycares, and while many of them are perfectly pleasant and seem to have caring, engaged staff, it just seems like a bummer for the little babies who don’t get as much attention and for the older ones who don’t have as much room or opportunity to get taken outside, etc. Does that stuff not matter so much for babies?
AwayEmily says
Probably the majority of people on here use daycares (me included), and there isn’t any evidence that daycares are any better or worse than nannies in terms of child outcomes (see Emily Oster’s books for more on this). There are pros and cons to each. That means there’s no wrong answer, so my recommendation would be to do whatever feels best and most comfortable for you, your work schedule, and your family. sounds like your intuition is pushing you towards a nanny share, and if that’s the case then go for it!
Anonymous says
I think this is an unpopular opinion around here, but I agree with you that more attention is good for infants. We went with a nanny for the first year+ for that reason. We toured a lot of great daycares (including the one we ended up using when our DD was a bit older) and I found it depressing how many babies were just lying on mats or Boppys staring into space. It’s not going to kill them, of course, and the staff at all the places we visited seemed attentive and loving, but with a 1:4 ratio they just couldn’t give much attention to a baby who wasn’t screaming their head off. Once they’re a year-ish, they’re crawling or running around, playing with all the daycare toys, “talking” to their buddies, etc. and generally entertaining each other a lot more and I felt a lot more comfortable with daycare.
Anonymous says
We did nanny share until age 2 and then switched to daycare. Daycare ususally means kids will be sick more often in the first year whereas that might be a bit better with a nanny or nanny share. You’ll still get some sickness if you eventually switch to daycare or whenever they start elementary school but at least it won’t be when baby is still waking up at night to nurse and you’re trying to ramp back up after mat leave.
A good quality daycare will get kids outside lots. Ours takes the kids for a walk to the nearby lake walking trail everyday and sometimes they bring seed to feed the ducks and they have two playground for play outside in addition.
CPA Lady says
FWIW, I thought daycares were basically cold war orphanages before my kid started in one. She’s been in it since she was 12 weeks old and she’s 4.5 now and it has been an amazing community. She has good friends and I have a group of moms friends who have been there watching our kids grow up together for the past almost 5 years. And they take her outside twice a day. And they never cancel because a single teacher is sick or wants to quit. The guaranteed coverage is great.
If money were no object it would have been great to have a nanny for the first 18 months or so, and then switch to daycare once they are old enough to begin to interact with peers.
Spirograph says
Having used both, it’s 6 of one, half dozen of the other. To me, daycare is more reliable and mentally easier because I’m not managing relationships with an employee and another family. Staffing ratios for infants are 1:3 in my state, and our infant classroom had 6 babies, two full time regular teachers, and often an extra “floater” to help. I was not worried that my baby wasn’t getting enough hands-on attention.
Anon Lawyer says
Hmm, it’s 1:4 in my state and the places I’ve toured have been very strictly at that ratio . . . I think I’d feel better with your situation.
Spirograph says
Yes, 8 infants in one room seems like a lot, and might give me pause. Our center’s infant rooms were lovely, and the program included outside time, water play in the summer, and plenty of snuggles. Like CPA Lady says above, daycares can foster a really nice community. I enjoy every chance I get to reconnect with the parents from our previous daycare, and I love that we run into parents we know all over town.
Anon says
But at the same time, you don’t have to start at 3 months to get that community. We started at 16 months and daycare has still become a great community for us. If OP is more comfortable with a nanny initially, it doesn’t mean she’s forgoing a daycare community forever.
Pogo says
Our state is 1:3 as well. 1:4 would give me pause.
Anonymous says
I’ve had basically every flavor of childcare. In an ideal world, costs considered but not the main factor would be:
3 months-12/15 months: nanny or nanny share withnone other similar aged baby only
12/15 months-3- daycare OR part time “moms morning out” + nanny or nanny share
3-5: preschool + part time nanny
If there are siblings, that changes things like convenience factor and cost- nanny + preschool May be more cost effective or at least neutral vs daycare x2.
Anonymous says
My 3rd and last little girl turns one in 5 days. I of course in true parent of 3 kid style haven’t gotten her anything.
Of course she won’t know, but the siblings will.
What are some good memento-y type things I can get her that aren’t dependent on Etsy or other customization? Or…clothes I guess? Maybe a picture frame?
Siblings got her stuff already.
Anonymous says
Jelly Cat stuffie plus a set of classic children’s books (or just a couple favorites) and write a note inside the cover.
Anonymous says
That’s what the big sisters got her ;)
Emily S. says
Maybe not “stuff,” but celebrate the day and take some pictures? Then she’ll have the pictures to look at later in life and see that y’all celebrated her day (and you could frame one for her room.) Bonus points if you get her to wear a crown/headband/other ridiculous baby birthday gear. I don’t remember what I got my youngest for her 1st bday (and it was only a year ago) but I remember her face when she ate cake and every now and again I look at the pictures from her party. I wish I had some fantastic posed pictures of her with Big Sister (goal for this year’s birthday!)
Anon says
Agreed with Emily S.! Speaking from the POV from someone who loves looking at her first birthday photos because my parents put me in a (now) ridiculous dress and hat, and lots of funny photos with me and family members. Someone gave me a little trike and my parents decided to stand me up in the box the trike came in. My head is barely poking out and it’s one of our fave photos from the day. Obviously I remember nothing from it haha