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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
I wore my regular spanx tights up to about 5 or 6 months, and then I liked H&M Mama tights.
Can anyone speak to the growing pains their marriage experienced after a baby (if it did)? I feel like I keep having the same conversation with my husband over and over again about how I need more support from him, and it’s making me so sad that he can’t just step up a take responsibility for things. Honestly, I’m feeling kind of scared for our future right now, but I also don’t really trust myself to know if what I’m expecting is reasonable, if this is just something that all couples have to work through, or if we really have a serious problem. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this IRL because I don’t want to bad mouth my husband. Anyone been there? What did you do?
(former) preg 3L says
So sorry to see this…
I was just coming here to post that I’ve finally decided to ask my husband for a separation. He treats me like sh!t and I’ve finally had enough. (TBH, this was partly a pre-baby problem, too.) Any advice?
Newly pregnant says
No advice on either question, but hugs to you both.
Meg Murry says
I don’t have any advice except to say good for you, I know this is hard for you, but I think it will be the best in the long run, even if it sucks in the short run.
If I’m remembering your story correctly, I’m really proud of you for taking this step. No advice, but hugs to you… I’m sure it will be hard, but I don’t know anyone who has regretted ended an unhappy relationship once the dust settled.
Big hugs to you. I have a friend going through a separation right now w/a 15 mo old. Lean on your network as much as you can, and try to take the high road when you can (my friend is not doing this, and it’s causing her professional and personal problems). I hope things can work out for you and husband — if that’s your ultimate goal — but if not, remember that what you’re doing is right for you and your daughter.
+1 to the hugs.
You might try posting this on the main C****te site as well for additional advice and support.
I would not bother. Their advice is terrible. I think the regular site is full of bitter old spinsters.
They’d probably tell you you are a terrible wife and that your husband is probably cheating on you.
Well, I will say that I’m anon @ 12:16pm and I don’t have children yet (and we aren’t trying), but I read both sites because I find wisdom and value in both places.
And FWIW, I think I know (former) 3L from a previous handle, and I would say that (1) she’s a good wife and mother and (2) she deserves better than her husband. I have no idea if he’s cheating on her or not, and that actually doesn’t change my response to the situation one iota. She deserves better.
It’s more that I find the advice on Corporette is incredibly blaming on the individual asking for advice (How dare you ask for advice on your marriage/kids??? Everything you do is wrong!! Be happy things aren’t worse!!) or it encourages really bad or stupid thinking (Of course the men prevented you from getting a promotion! It has nothing to do with you never reaching your billable target and no one liking you where you work!!).
I find it incredibly painful most days. I’m not sure if those people are just spiteful or just incredibly unrealistic.
Meg Murry says
Based on previous comments, if your husband has any kind of anger issues ever, I’d recommend having the baby out of the house and telling him with someone else there (or possibly waiting in the hallway for you if you want privacy but backup). I might be paranoid due to a book I recently read, but better safe than sorry.
DH and I went to counselling every second month for the first two years post baby. If there was a hard issue that we needed to get through in between we booked an extra session. It was good to have a safe space to talk about tough issues.
Outside therapy – I found that I could only deal with one issue/change per conversation or nothing would happen. He got overwhelmed with too many requests in one conversation. E.g. when I realized I could not manage work + all pick ups and drop offs, I let him know that I would do all drop-offs but he had to do at least three pick-ups per week. It was up to him to figure out how to adjust his schedule to make that happen (3 days a week he now teleworks for an hour before baby and I are up in order to be able to leave in time to make daycare pick up). Discussion about alternating who makes dinner was left for a week until he adjusted to new pick up/drop off routine.
Also, treat baby care like any household task that has to be shared. Make a list of all parenting and household tasks and split them up. My husband always takes out the garbage/deals with recycling but I don’t feel guilty about this because I fold all the laundry and put it away (he can’t stand matching up tiny baby socks). On baby stuff our nighttime routine was one parent does bath and the other does books – every night we alternated, no exceptions.
I’m a big fan of John Gottman’s books in general, and we found “And Baby Makes Three” to be very helpful. He talks about the difficulties he and his wife went through after baby, and even though they were both professional marriage counselers and researchers, their marriage struggled a lot during that time. We went to a class based on the book that was very helpful.
My husband and I are definitely in survival mode as far as our marriage goes. We try to take advantage of the good days when they come and enjoy them as much as possible.
Meg Murry says
Have you made specific requests as to what kind of support you need from him? And when he does do something to support you/the household, are you non-critical of it?
My husband and I have a “no critizing the way the other parent does it so long as it gets done without breaking anything” rule. As an example – usually he is in charge of loading the dishwasher, I unload. He washes towels, I fold and put away. But if the role gets swapped for some reason – he has extra time so he also unloads the dishwasher, I throw in a load of towels, etc – I’m not allowed to criticize that he doesn’t stack the spoons in the drawer the same way I do, and he can’t complain that I didn’t do something right with the towels – as long as we didn’t break the dishwasher or do something completely wrong, done is good enough.
Another major change in communication with my husband and I is that we also try to do as little “mind reading” as possible. For instance – he has meetings certain nights of the week that he needs me home for. I know what nights of the week they are, but sometimes there are pre-meetings, making them early. Instead of him saying “I have a meeting at 6:00 on Monday” requiring me to read his mind that means “I need to leave the house by 5:30 and I need to shower before that so you need to be home by 5” we have since changed our communication so that he says to me “I will pick up the kids but I need you home by 5:00 and you’ll need to plan something for dinner”. And I do the same for him – don’t tell him what time *I* have a commitment, but rather, what does *he* need to know and do. Its a little bit more of ordering each other around (so we try to add, “can you please be home at 5:00” instead of demanding) but we are both direct, no nonsense people so we prefer this to dancing around “politely” but not clearly communicating and then stewing about it when the other person didn’t interpret it properly.
Last, if the support you need is in doing things, can you see if you can outsource some of the work? That is a big theme around this board – none of us are super human, and sometimes it is worth the cost of a cleaning person to keep you sanity. In my case, my therapist actually put it to me that way – “You keep talking about how much you and your husband fight about cleaning the house, and then you pay me to come here and talk about it – would you be further ahead if you paid someone to clean instead of paying me, or would you just fight about something else?” It was an interesting perspective shift, and very very true.
“– don’t tell him what time *I* have a commitment, but rather, what does *he* need to know and do.”
– this is great advice – going to work on doing more of this in my house.
Meg Murry says
It really makes all the difference, especially being late really stresses my husband out. We’ve tried to shift to this form of conversation as much as possible – don’t do mental math yourself on when we have to do X,Y,Z – talk it out outloud so you can see where you are or aren’t on the same page. As in “Ok, your cousin’s wedding is at 3:00 in [city] so we need to leave by 2:00, right” “No, 1:30 to give us some buffer room if there is traffic” “Ok – can you get the kids dressed or do I need to?” etc
As opposed to the many many times before when we just said “the wedding is a 3:00” and he was ready and fuming at 1:30 while I was still running around thinking we were leaving at 2:00, and I had gotten the kids ready on my own when he could’ve dressed them while I dressed myself.
Along the same “life-hack” vein – I don’t put appointments in my calendar from 3:00-4:00 if that’s the actual scheduled time – I put in the time I need to leave so I know that actually I am busy from 2:15-4:45, with travel time, and put 3-4 in the description, not just 3-4 in the time block. Makes my calendar so much easier for me to actually keep track of my day.
Carrie M says
Love that life hack! This is also a source of stress for us. I will definitely try this tip out!
My husband and I use this when the other spouse has to do a chore they don’t normally do – we say “What was your vision with this?” It started as a joke about cooking, because I was never thinking the same thing when husband said, “can you get started on the curry for tonight?” but we use it for everything now (setting up a piece of furniture, laundry, fixing something around the house etc).
Instead of just saying, ‘start on the curry’ he has to say, “prep the bell peppers, onions, and garlic; bring up the can of coconut milk and the spices on the middle shelf” etc. It really opened my eyes to how differently we see the same chore sometimes!
hoola hoopa says
+1 million to all of this.
Regarding making explicit requests: IME, if everyone’s on the same team, the problems and frustrations can feel huge but the solutions can be pretty minor.
I also only ask for what I need. He does the same. I’ve seen others fall into the cycle of asking for more than they need, the partner knowing it and not meeting the full request, which pushes the other partner to request even more, and so on. I know that he’ll be there when I need him, so he knows that if I’m asking I really do need him.
I also live by the mottos “When you’re wrong, admit it. When you’re right, shut up.” and “A marriage works best when both partners give 100% of what they can at the moment, not 50/50.” No keeping score.
I always make sure that I tell my husband every single day that (a) I love him, (b) I appreciate him, and ideally (c) give an intimate touch. It’s so easy to get caught up in the hurricane of parenthood that I realize I’ve gone all day without even making eye contact with him! Day after day of that takes a toll.
For me, simply finding out that this is A Thing That Happens made it so much more manageable. It’s easy to feel like it’s just your marriage (so clearly you’re doing it wrong), when really it’s normal and common. When things hit rock bottom for us (about 4 months after baby #1 was born), we had a heart-to-heart when one of us asked if the other wanted a divorce. That opened the door to us both saying that we absolutely wanted to stay together, which was an important step for us because then we had the insecurities out of the way and could work together to figure out what we each needed. We got through it and have a very happy, albeit hectic, marriage.
We’re working on this too. It’s hard, and it probably doesn’t help that I am tired and hormonal from being in my third trimester with baby #2! My husband is generally willing to help out, and we probably do split things roughly 50/50, but I sometimes get frustrated by feeling that I am the one arranging everything (e.g., I notice when we are low on diapers and make sure the kid doesn’t go naked, I make doctor appointments, etc.). This particularly bothers me when I think, he’s letting me take care of this because I am the woman, and this is how he thinks it is supposed to work. We’ve had some discussions about all this, and I think there is a bit of the man/woman role problem at play, I/we realize (a) we’re not going to solve that overnight, and (b) I am just better at keeping all these things in my brain and organizing, so I should play to my strenghts and delegate more. It still sort of bothers me, but I’d rather tell him, for example, what he needs to do to get dinner on the table when I’m working late (which is most days, because I’m a BigLaw junior associate…) than to stay up late the night before to make sure it’s ready to go. Often, I tell him that he will need to take the kid to the doctor on x day, so let me know if he foresees any conflicts, or, the laundry needs to get done tomorrow night, or could he please vacuum the living room while toddler and I take a nap on Saturday. He is generally willing to go along with this. It’s not perfect, and it makes me feel a bit overbearing and nagging, but it’s better than the alternative, and we are getting better and better at this whole thing.
Overall, I would say try to give yourself and your partner a break — being a parent of a young kid and working full time is incredibly difficult! It makes you realize how weird our modern American society is that we are expected to deal with this all gracefully and without any external support.
I think it’s fine for one partner to do most of the mental organizing as long as everyone recognized that it counts as work. Ie, the mental effort I spend calling to make a doctor’s appointment, ordering the next size of shoes, etc all needs to be balanced out by my partner doing more of the physical work. Or doing SOMETHING.
I think this is normal. Or at least, I hope it is. Are we talking responsibility like helping out with the kid(s)/around the house, or responsibility like being emotionally invested in your family’s happiness and security? If it’s the first one, is your husband trying, but just not doing the things you hope he would? If it’s the second one, are you sure it’s not the first one that you have taken as a sign of the second (not to minimize if he really is checked out, but there is a difference and at least for me, sometimes it’s hard to see in the moment).
I’ve found my husband is usually willing to help, he just lacks initiative, and I am not always good at communicating what I need, because it’s obvious and he should just know! ie I was incredibly frustrated that he’d get up and be out the door in 20 minutes when I’d perpetually struggle to get to work on time… now we have a deal that husband gets kidlet dressed with shoes and socks before he leaves. Same with drop off/pick up: I felt like it was so unfair that I had to do the longer commute both times, but after I finally said something about it, DH does pick-up every day. With housework, I also have to be very explicit: “After son goes to bed, please put the dishes away before you start [whatever].” If I don’t specify a deadline, he’ll get absorbed in some other activity until midnight and then figure the dishes will be there when he gets home from work the next day, and I’ll be bitter in the morning that I was responsible and folded laundry instead of [whatever] while he played video games.
Another thing that helps me… I’m not saying this works all the time, but when I want to scream, I take some deep breaths and try to remember that husband has a full time job and not enough hours in the day, too. He’s doing the “big stuff” right – he loves our son, he’s supporting my career goals, etc. We’re both overwhelmed and doing the best that we can; sometimes things just don’t work out quite right, and as long as we’re all safe and healthy, maybe I just need to let some things go.
Also, date nights. I know it’s easier said than done, but get out of the house together and talk about something other than family logistics. When you’re constantly stressed, it’s hard to remember that you used to enjoy each other’s company and have things in common other than the adversary that is life with a small child. Remembering that you love each other is so.important. We’ve started treating a monthly date night like an immutable appointment, and it’s made a big difference for us.
That was a novel. Sorry!
ETA: It’s really helpful to know that lots of people struggle with this! I only have two girlfriends who will talk candidly about the strain kids have put on their marriage … I always suspect a lot of people are just putting a brave face on things, but then I wonder if I’m just trying to make myself feel better. It’s good to have more honesty around.
Thank you everyone who posted I really appreciate hearing all your perspectives. Spirograph, your ETA is so true, and the reason why I wanted to post. All my friends with babies just seem like happy perfect families that, even if I know that’s an unrealistic outside view, it’s easy to feel like I must be the only one sobbing in the kitchen every couple of weeks.
Meg Murry says
You are definitely not the only one sobbing in the kitchen every couple of weeks. Even with all the work we’ve done to communicate better and run our house smoother, there are definitely still tears on my part and slamming doors on his.
Parenting is hard. Life is hard. Anyone who says it isn’t is lying to you or to themselves.
(former) preg 3L says
Yeah, this confirms to me that asking him to leave is the right decision for me. I’m crying in my office (with the door locked, while I’m pumping) daily.
(Former) preg 3L, if you are who I think you are (and had a prior commenting name), I think you’re making the right choice (for what it’s worth). I don’t have any specific advice, but I’m sending good thoughts and wishes your and your daughter’s way. I’m often amazed at how strong I can be for my kids’ sake – I know you’ll be strong when you need to be, as well.
(former) preg 3L says
Take care of yourself through this process. Whenever I’m not sure how much I should put up with from a partner, I think about what I would want my daughter to do if she was in the same situation. If I wouldn’t want her to live like that, then it’s not right for me to let her watch me live like that. You show your daugther how she should be treated by a partner by how you allow yourself to be treated.
This is excellent advice. The “Baby Makes Three” book recommended earlier is excellent and has helped our marriage immensely, but even still, there is much in this advice that I need to work on.
Also – if both of you are legitimately making an effort (as opposed to one of you just not caring), try to focus on how you can help each other even more. If you out-serve each other, instead of keeping score of the many ways your life is so much harder, it sure makes both of you more motivated to try. Not to mention, life more pleasant. This is what I am struggling with most right now, so I am giving this advice to myself as much as to anyone else.
In House Counsel says
Spirograph, I also concur w/ your ETA comments. During the first year of my daughter’s life, I often wondering if I was the exception with feeling that my once solid marriage seemed so much more fragile. Marriage is hard work and kids compound that (esp if you have a terrible sleeper and two working parents hanging on by a thread). The best advice is to not keep score (which is easier said than done) and to explicit in your expectations when asking for help (funny how things that seem obvious to me are not to my husband).
Luckily we’ve hit a better balance and hopefully will be able to similarly work through issues as they are sure to arise when #2 joins the family at the end of the year.
I’ll second what others have said: be as specific as possible in your requests for support. I learned the hard way that, for example, asking my husband to “help with the baby” 20 minutes before we’re supposed to leave the house means very different things to me and hubs (me: change diaper, pack bag, dress baby; him: playtime!). What seems obvious to you may not be obvious at all to your husband, and vice versa, so say what you need, explicitly, rather than leaving room for interpretation.
Another thing I learned: finding a way to tell my husband about the baby’s needs, e.g., the importance of napping, without sounding like I am lecturing him. Because I am the primary caretaker of baby during the week, I know a lot about our baby that hubs just didn’t at the beginning. My “helpful explanations” sounded to him like criticism that he wasn’t more present, which in turn made him feel guilty and defensive, and…commence downward spiral. Now, I’m more mindful of my tone when talking to him about things like sleep, food, etc.
These things sound so simple, but it took us the better part of the past year to figure out that miscommunication and misinterpretation were at the root of most of our arguments. Hormones and sleep deprivation do not help; try to be nice to each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt.
Full disclosure: my husband and I had some very high highs and very low lows — e.g., in the middle of one argument I asked if he was going to leave me — so you’re not alone. Keep talking to each other, keep communicating, and eventually you’ll figure out what works for your new family.
To echo some of the other commenters: in our family I am much more organized about things than my husband (he’s always late, never knows what’s on his calendar, etc). He’s a very warm and involved parent though. Regarding logistical stuff (I need you to do X at Y time) he is completely happy to do anything I ask – but I have to ask. He will not realize it on his own. This makes me feel overbearing and nagging, but that is completely my problem – he does not feel like I’m nagging when I do this. So with this method, everything gets done, he is happy, and I am happy except for the completely unfounded guilt about ‘nagging’.
I am so happy to read this whole conversation. Love hearing others’ perspectives, both for the advice and knowing I’m not the only one. Erin, I think there’s a chance we are married to the same person.
Same deal. Husband shows no interest in baby related stuff (now he wants out of birth and parenting class) and keeps wanting to do evening things (dinners, concerts etc) even though he knows I’m tired. Also keeps saying he wants more kids after this one despite not being useful. gaaaaah
Oh my goodness, we are going through pretty much the same thing. Some days are more or less fine and then others I find myself wondering why I am with someone who gives me so little support. When I get together with my best friend, who has two little ones, our first question to each other is, “How do we feel about our husbands today?” Two things especially irk me these days: (a) the fact that he doesn’t wake up at night when our daughter cries, so I could be awake with her for hours in the middle of the night while he is blissfully sleeping away (to be fair, not really his fault – he can’t help that he is a heavy sleeper, but it means I can’t rely on him at all at night), and (b) when, after a long day, I come downstairs after putting our daughter to sleep and find him sitting on the couch watching @$#%@^ football when there are dishes to be done, daycare lunch to be packed, laundry to be folded, etc. etc. The worst is when I come downstairs on nights like that and find him actually asleep in front of the @#%^#^$# football. When he has been getting a full nights’ sleep for months. Yeah. It makes me want to kick him. Or kick him out. But in general he is a kind and loving dad and is supportive of me, so I try to be patient.
Hugs to both of you!
Yes we had plenty of growing pains after marriage… I automatically had this intense bond with my baby and it took my husband a long time to catch up. I just consistently expressed how I was feeling (overwhelmed/ insecure… the whole range of emotions that come with being a mom) and told him what I thought he could do that would be helpful. It took us 3 years and baby # 2 to find our “groove” in parenting. We are 50/50 partners now but with great flexibility. I don’t keep track and know there are weeks or months where it will be 70/30 (or worse) but then again the coin flips and there will be times where I need him to carry the boatload of responsibilities. Having 2 working parents is tough, but communication is key!
As for seperating… it happened!… it stunk. I told him to move out and had a list of what I needed to happen in order to consider him moving back in. Through lots of counseling we made it! Being without him for a while gave me time to think and prioritize. It also made me certain that the way he was treating me was not acceptable in any way shape or form. Now I have my boundaries, he knows them, and he knows he cannot cross them at any point if he wants the marriage to last. The separation was 5 years ago, and honestly I can say it was awful at the time, but it was what our marriage needed. I have little to no resentment 5 years later. It took him about 6 months to get it together, and about a year before we were “not separated”. Best of luck!
two under two says
I would love to know what your list was. I am in the process of separating from my husband. I have asked for the separation, and I absolutely want to stay married to him, but there have been some really destructive things going on inside of our marriage and “staying and working it out” is making it worse right now. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life – but I feel like I am stuck in the breakwater and keep getting knocked over by wave after wave without enough time to actually get back on my feet in between each one. I feel like I can’t see in front of me three days, much less the long haul of this marriage to figure out what I even need.
My list was very specific to situations we were dealing with in our marriage (which included anger issues, depression, and infidelity):
-He goes to individual counseling at least once a week (which did taper down in time)
-He takes medication recommended and works with his psychiatrist instead of against him
-We go to marriage counseling every other week
-No contact with former co-worker ever / no contact with any females that are not family online (this became more flexible over time as he rebuilt trust)
-We discuss emotions / problems that arise without blowing up at eachother – using tools learned from marriage counseling
-He needed to spend more time each week being a caregiver for our daughter and building a better relationship with her (she was 1 at the time).
This list wasn’t developed right away but over time. I probably started with a much longer list of everything that bothers me and “I can’t handle” but then was able to really think about what really needs to change for me to stay in this relationship. The biggest difference makes for us are him taking care of his mental health, and how we communicate with eachother- everything else fell into place after that over the next few years.
Thank you for posting, Greenie. I think we are married to the same person and I hope my situation works out like yours. He moved out 9 months ago (which I have not admitted to anyone). Working on finding a marriage counselor and not crying every night.
Sorry to hear that… I just kept reminding myself that either way it will get better. I will either end up independent and able to focus on myself without having to constantly recover from and clean up someone’s constant destruction OR he will do the work necessary to change and grow. A good counselor does wonders! Don’t make any rash decisions, change takes time, but stick to your guns about what is important to you.
I had good luck with the opaque black maternity tights by Berkshire. I found them on Amazon after buying some horrific ones from Destination Maternity (they chafed and wouldn’t stay up). These were inexpensive but did the trick. I also cut slits in the waistband of non mat tights and wore them on my hips below the bump. That worked well, but I prefer over bump support in general
Frozen Peach says
Monday morning threadjack– my life has turned topsy turvy all of a sudden, and I want to tap the collective Corporette wisdom about it. A few months ago, a recruiter reached out to me out of the blue about a dream job in my hometown (I currently live in a faraway state). I interviewed, then we found out we’re expecting…then they offered me the job. I disclosed when I accepted, and negotiated a decent leave. Now my husband and I are packing all of our earthly possessions and moving across the country while I’m pregnant. It’s all very exciting but also a bit overwhelming.
What is your advice for me? How do I kick ass at a new job while pregnant (the start of my second trimester neatly coincides with my first day of work) and otherwise do my best to make sure that the pregnancy doesn’t sabotage my start, survive the move, and generally do this with grace and dignity? Also, maternity wardrobe? My last workplace was business casual, and my new workplace is business formal, so a good number of my old work staples won’t be appropriate anymore. I cope with anxiety by reading, so any suggestions for working mama / professional development books are most welcome (LOVING Balance Is A Crock, Sleep is For the Weak).
Maddie Ross says
Do you cope with anxiety by reading about your situation/learning about it, or use reading as an escape? I ask because for me, reading about being a working mom and just the mechanics of pregnancy and child-rearing made me super tweaky. But I can give good advice about escapist reads to distract from it all! (And I can add that things that sounded crazy hard about childbirth and the first few weeks/months didn’t feel as life ending to me when I was actually in the thick of it.)
Frozen Peach, I don’t have a lot of specific advice, but you can do it! I had a pretty similar situation–got pregnant before starting my clerkship and started the clerkship during the second trimester. The good news is that, for me at least, the second trimester was not all that hard physically, so I was able to work hard and make a good impression before becoming a tired whale. I generally made an effort to just be super disciplined, because there was a lot to get done before I was due, which left me with good habits for getting work done after baby was born, and some capital in the office. I found being on top of the things I could control to an extent (sleep, diet, exercise, getting the damn house unpacked) made me less anxious about all the rest. I would make an effort not to dwell much on your pregnancy in conversations with your new colleagues (depending on who they are and their interests, of course), because you’ll want to be known as a great lawyer, not as the pregnant person who they’ll have to pick up the slack for in six months. Once they like you and realize you’re a good team player, they’ll be more willing to help you out when you are a zombie new parent.
I’ll put in a plug for (good quality) thigh-highs during pregnancy. I had a few pairs of maternity tights but got the same look from thigh-highs without being constricted around my waist.
(former) preg 3L says
OMG YES. Thigh-highs. I had completely forgotten, but they were amazing!
Thank you all for sharing your experiences above… and many hugs/good thoughts to those of you who need them.
Re the Assets tights, Target has them online.
Also, for anyone looking for maternity jeans, JCrew’s maternity matchstick jeans are an additional 40% off but not final sale, making them worth trying for me for sure: http://bit.ly/1sZUH4T
Have any of you ladies ever tried the MuTu system to heal diastasis recti? My fourth kiddo is three months old and my core still feels incredibly weak (though I have improved from a four-finger wide gap to a two-finger one). I came across the MuTu system (during a late-night BF session of course) and it looks really promising. Various blogs / online reviews are positive. Wondering if anyone has any real world experience with it? Or other suggestions of ways to improve core weakness?
No, but someone recommended a routine in the comments of the exercise video post that I was going to try out.
If you try it and have success, please report back. I’m currently pg with #3 and had full 5-finger, pelvic-to-rib split after #2, so I’m preparing my plan.
FWIW, I did find a physical therapist with experience, which was really helpful. The one-to-one was very helpful, but her exercise recommendations were similar to these: http://www.redbookmag.com/health-wellness/advice/abs-exercises-post-pregnancy#slide-2 Essentially core exercises that don’t involve ‘folding’ (I’m sure there’s a technical term), so that you can keep the muscles together while you exercise.
(former) preg 3L says
I paid $7 on a m a z o n for Lindsay Brin’s Core Firing Sequence and so far, it’s simple and quick enough that I’m doing it every other day. (It’s like 30+ minutes when you download it, but the “Weeks 1-3” exercise sequence is only about 8 minutes long.) It was recommended on here for diastasis recti.
Not sure you are still reading, but I actually purchased the system. I have not done a whole lot with it since it helped me realize that my DR was actually a lot smaller than I thought it was. The exercises are good, and lots of people get great results if they do them regularly. There is a Facebook support group that is really dynamic. The only thing I don’t like is the crazy emphasis on alignment, barefoot shoes, etc. I am not sure that I actually believe any of that. Just not enough science for me.
I loved Seraphine maternity tights. Wore them to death and they lasted well without sagging throughout my pregnancy. At the end they had one or two holes in the toes but by then it didn’t matter anymore. I preferred over-the-bump for everything, so they were perfect.
I’ve had really good luck with ASOS maternity tights. The ankles are nice and snug so they look better than most of my non-maternity tights.
o_O what else have you bought there that has been okay? I’m eyeing a nursing dress from them but at 50 I want to be assured that it is quality. I find their items and their sizing so hit and miss and half the time I am too lazy to return stuff.
Not the previous poster, but I ordered a maternity pencil skirt from them and really liked it. The material was not great (i.e. in a non-maternity situation I wouldn’t go out of my way to wear that fabric again), but the skirt looked nice and felt good, the length was office appropriate, and the price was right. I was actually a bit sad after the baby was born and I couldn’t wear the skirt anymore.
Here is a link to a skirt that is similar to mine (mine was also a floral print, but slightly different): http://www.asos.com/ASOS-Maternity/ASOS-Maternity-Exclusive-Pencil-Skirt-In-Floral-Print/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=4407075&cid=5813&Rf900=1573&sh=0&pge=0&pgesize=36&sort=-1&clr=Floral&totalstyles=24&gridsize=3
I got this very similar one and it was love. Lots of compliments. Very comfy.