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It always seems like Olian has about a zillion iterations of this dress — right now, Nordstrom has four. Which is good, since each dress only has one size left. (XS, S, M, L.) Funny, funny. This tank top version is perfect for summer (and is available in L); the longer-sleeved versions are marked down to $68-$84. I’d wear the sleeveless one with a cardigan or blazer for work; it’s $128. Olian Maternity Dress Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines.Sales of note for 3.28.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase; extra 50% off sale
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- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
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- Zappos – 37,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – 50% off entire site
- Hanna Andersson – 30% off all swim; up to 30% off HannaJams
- J.Crew Crewcuts – 40% off sitewide; 50% off select swim; 50% off kids’ styles
- Old Navy – 50% off Easter deals
- Target – 20% off Easter styles for all; up to 30% off kitchen & dining; BOGO 50% off shoes & slippers for the family;
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
NewMomAnon says
Sigh. The Monday after a long weekend is bittersweet – I’m glad to have the use of both my hands again, but I miss my kiddo and there is a mountain of work waiting for me.
Carine says
My husband and I call these “Miss you Mondays” or #mym when we’re trying to be cool like the kids these days. I enjoy drinking tea while it’s still hot in the quiet of my office, but definitely miss my girl. Good luck with that mountain of work!
Announcing says
I realize this is a personal decision, but was wondering if anyone would be willing to share insight on when they publicly announced their pregnancy and why they chose that time? We originally planned to wait until 12 weeks because of the miscarriage risk, but the wait is killing me (my husband is on board with whatever I decide, but he would prefer earlier for the same reason). I suck at lying and am super over having to hide it and everything that goes along with it (plus I am 7 weeks and already starting to show). Due to several personal ties to work, I will need to tell work whenever we decide to tell our family and friends (or risk them finding out from someone else). Luckily I don’t anticipate any negative impact from work (my work is pretty steady so I won’t be passed up for projects or anything like that). I think I am going to shoot for 10 weeks, but would love to know if there are any considerations I am missing?
HSAL says
I told people in two stages, pretty much based around who I would also tell if I lost the pregnancy. So family/close friends in the 6-8 week range, extended family/public announcement at 13 weeks. I think people are usually pretty good at not sharing the info – it would be a real jerk move for someone to tell your workplace before you’re ready to do so.
anon says
Not in my family – as soon as I told my parents, my mother posted it on Facebook. So my sister found out that way, instead of me telling her personally. It IS a jerk move, no question!
Announcing OP says
Yep, my parents and sister already know. It’s already been established that my MIL will tell THE ENTIRE WORLD when she finds out, so I had to take that into consideration. I’m trying really hard not to be bitter about it and am planning on secretly telling my very discrete close friends before her. I totally think she should know before them, but since she can’t refrain from making this about her, I’m not willing to do that.
ANP says
We were in a similar situation — I have an awesome relationship with my in-laws but recognized early on that they’d be incapable of keeping such a secret, so rather than burden them with it we just waited until the time when we didn’t care if the world knew.
I waited until 13 weeks with my first two b/c of the miscarriage risk — and also because I have some work/personal life overlap that also made it a bit complicated to tell one set of people before the other. For #3, I showed a lot faster and had changed my thinking on this topic a bit — I realized that I’d want people to know already that I’d been pregnant if I did in fact have to share the news of a loss, so we told folks at about 10-11 weeks. In all instances, my very best girlfriends knew in the first six weeks. This is, I realize, a completely personal decision but that’s just what worked for us.
HSAL says
Wow. I can’t even imagine that. No more info for you, Mom. Ever.
anon says
Yep. She also posted updates about my labor on Facebook. So if I have another one, she doesn’t get to know until the kid is out.
RDC says
I didn’t have as much personal / work overlap so I was able to take a phased approach. I think it went something like 8 weeks – immediate family, 13 weeks – work and close friends, 20ish weeks – Facebook announcement (which I had mixed feelings about, but it seemed weird not to post something). If you’re comfortable telling early, I actually think there’s a benefit to telling work earlier (even before 10 weeks) since those early weeks were so rough (IME) and it’s doubly hard when you’re trying to hide how bad you feel. If you have supportive colleagues they’ll probably be sympathetic.
I hate to mention it, but I previously had miscarriages and actually was glad I had told people at work, since I personally needed some time off to recover both physically and emotionally. Colleagues were super kind and understanding (sent flowers and casseroles) and it was much better than telling them something vague like a “medical procedure.” A surprising number of female colleagues shared that they had gone through the same thing. This is obviously a very personal decision though, I only mention it to say that the downside of announcing early (everyone then knowing I had miscarried) ended up not being as much of a downside as I imagined it.
NewMomAnon says
I told family immediately, and close friends at around 6-8 weeks. I was hoping to tell work around 16 weeks, but I was seriously showing at 13 weeks and was finally outed by my secretary. In retrospect, I don’t know why I wanted to wait so long to tell – I think the main s*te here had convinced me that I was supposed to wait as long as possible to tell. If you are close enough to your colleagues to have overlap between work and personal life, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell work earlier.
I think one concern is that if you have a miscarriage and work knows, they might expect you to have another pregnancy soon and you may miss some opportunities as a result. But consider this – you may really appreciate some flexbility both during early pregnancy and if you have a miscarriage. I have a colleague who had multiple miscarriages, and she had couple “off” years at work as a result of the stress/fatigue/general sadness. The office knew what was happening and was very supportive.
We “told” FB with the 20 week ultrasound pictures.
quailison says
I guess I’m a wait-er – I told my family and inlaws at 10 weeks, but I would have waited until 14 if we hadn’t had an in-person opportunity when we were at my inlaws for a reunion. Told friends/work/school at 14, and put on facebook at 30 weeks. I’m quite private about what goes on my facebook as I have friends who cross personal/professional groups – no belly shots, and even now I don’t put many baby pictures up (but that’s also out of a concern for baby’s privacy).
Part of my rationale for waiting to tell our families was that we had pretty much convinced them we weren’t going to have kids (by choice) in response to their pestering. I know it sounds weird, but if I’d lost the pregnancy early on I might not have told them because it would alert them to the fact we were trying. In retrospect this sounds odd, but at the (hormonal) time it made perfect sense.
Announcing OP says
That doesn’t sound odd at all. I have been super annoyed by all the pressure to have kids (almost to the point that I react negatively toward it), and no one except my sister knew we were trying, so I am very sensitive to people knowing that I am pregnant. I completely understand your feelings.
quailison says
Also, this didn’t happen to me, but I’ve heard you can have some early bloating that feels like you’re showing, and your clothes don’t fit, but that then goes away. So tell if you want but maybe you won’t be outed by your belly so soon!
LC says
I also took a phased approach. We told immediate family (my mom and my husband’s parents) pretty much as soon as we got the positive test. I also told two extremely close friends. (We had been undergoing fertility treatments, and all of those people knew about that.) I told my boss at work at 8 weeks once we’d had two confirming ultrasounds. I was really nervous about doing it, but I felt so miserable that I was afraid he’d think I was either sick or slacking. I asked him to keep it under wraps from everyone else, and he respected that. I also told my two brothers around 8 weeks. After 13 weeks, I started sharing the news with co-workers and friends. But I never did any sort of Facebook or other public announcement; I just shared the news as I saw or spoke to people.
Jen says
We told parents/immediate family at 12 weeks (wanted to wait until the NT scan); I told my boss around 15 weeks or so because I was starting to show a bit AND we were going to be at a conference together where we would normally be sipping wine together and I would not be :). I told my broader friends/FB/the world around 16 or so weeks.
I probably would have waited to tell “the world” until the 18 week gender scan but we found out the gender very early and so we announced early.
I did actually tell ONE friend very, very early on because she told ME that she was pregnant and due 2 months earlier…i couldn’t help myself. She kept her mouth shut.
octogon says
I’m trying to navigate this now, and it’s complicated by the fact that we will see my family at 10 weeks. They are huge wine drinkers and will question me if I’m not drinking. I’d love to wait longer, until after the NT scan, but basically will be out to both families at 10 weeks. Will probably tell close friends shortly after that, and wait another month or so for work.
Katarina says
We generally told family as we saw them, both because it was hard to hide and nice to tell them in person when possible.
profmama says
I had the same problem: a family reunion at 8-ish weeks, before I felt ready to tell anyone (esp. since I was AMA). I stressed about it so much before the gathering because I knew there’d be lots of drinking, and suspected that everyone, esp. my SIL would be on my like link if/ when they noticed I wasn’t drinking.
Turned out to be no big thang. I was able to pull ‘I’m too tired’ one night, and to discretely switch glasses with my husband another. I also took a tiny sip here & there to throw them off the scent…
When we announced more than a month later, everyone was shocked!
(For real, because later I asked my SIL if she suspected, and told her how stressed I’d been, and she said she’d had no idea.)
Clementine says
Timely, since I ended up having to tell work on Thursday. I was the one who realized that because of staggered vacations, I had to tell my management team either at 15 weeks or like 21 weeks.
I told my sister and best friend right away because I knew I’d need their support no matter what. I told people on a need-to-know basis- one day at work I was concerned I would actually pass out at my desk so I told a coworker I knew could keep it under wraps, my dentist, a friend I was running a 5k with just in case something happened, etc.
We were waiting to be able to see our parents in person so ended up telling both sets this weekend at 15 weeks. Well, we haven’t told my father and stepmother yet. She finds out right before I’m emotionally prepared to hire a skywriter because she is SO that person who will IMMEDIATELY post on Facebook and tell EVERYONE- plus the woman has zero tact.
I am almost all the way public pregnant – I told a stranger who helped me move something today ‘Thanks for helping a pregnant lady!’ and it was actually really nice to just not be hiding it anymore.
Anon says
I also found it very hard to wait. Mostly because I was so excited (we’d been trying for almost two years) but partly because I was paranoid. We ultimately waited until about 14 weeks to tell non-family members (we were waiting for Progenity test results) but my big boss figured it out a few weeks before that and I almost broke down and told her because I was afraid she would be upset that I was “lying” to her. That said, she remembered pretty quickly that even though we’re “friends,” as my boss she couldn’t push me to disclose the information, and stopped asking questions. When I told people, two partners (the big boss and another one, both of whom I’ve worked with a lot over the past two years) had guessed, but the other partners were surprised–which supports the idea that the extent to which you are showing might be all (or mostly) in your head.
Two other things that helped–(1) I would introduce one new outfit into my wardrobe each week that had a little more give but wasn’t clearly maternity wear so that I could be a little subtle while weeding out dresses that I didn’t think hid the baby bump; these are all things that I expect to be able to wear through the end of my second trimester; and (2) I told a first-year associate who I am friendly but not super close with, just to get it off my chest. #2 obviously requires that you trust the person not to spill the beans, which I think is probably easier with a “close acquaintenance” than your best work friend, who might be too excited to keep quiet. :)
Walnut says
My boss and two closet coworkers were actually the first people outside of my husband to know. I was practically falling asleep at my desk and feeling completely braindead, so having their support was EXTREMELY helpful early on. Parents/siblings were told around 12 weeks and I told my director was informed around 18 weeks. Everyone else has found out through the grapevine.
Anon says
I actually told my boss and supervisor first (I have a pretty physically active job with scheduled hours and needed my boss on my side if I needed coverage). Because of family experiences, we decided to wait to tell my MIL, who we thought would take a miscarriage very hard. (I honestly think it would have been harder on her than on me). So we began telling people about week 14. I sent out a single email to colleagues /work people (they are gossipy and it would have been impossible to tell them in person). Friends have been a combo of in-person, calls and emails.
I called family members (and made it clear to each who I needed to call next to try and keep them from posting or getting ahead of me) in a single evening.
Honestly, we’d considered waiting until the 20 week anatomy scan since there would still have been a chance of defects being caught then that we would have felt okay not continuing with the pregnancy, but that is so far after most people tell that it seemed weird.
MomAnon4This says
Wow! Just found out a friend is coming to my area in August, hopefully… to begin to parent a newborn born here then that she and husband will be adopting! It will be their first – what to give for her, husband, baby, is a caring gift for the birth mother appropriate? All suggestions welcome!
I’m an ‘experienced’ mom of 2 but I don’t want to dump my old stuff on a long-awaited hoped-for 1st kid… wow!
Carrie M says
That’s awesome news for your friend, and she’s lucky to have you thinking of her!
Two thoughts. One: support her while she’s near you caring for the newborn. A friend recently adopted from another state, and she had to stay at a hotel for a few weeks to wait until the adoption could be finalized by the court. She was so anxious the whole time that the birth mother would change her mind, and she was so anxious trying to bond with and care for a newborn – so stressful on so many levels! I’m sure anything you can do during that time would be a huge help – whether it’s bringing meals over, offering to hold the baby while she showers or naps….all the typical stuff for a mom with a newborn.
Two: if she is driving back home, maybe she would want to take a car full of hand me downs! I’d offer them to her and see what she says. My friend was so scared that the adoption would fall through, so she didn’t want to go crazy buying a bunch of things. She definitely appreciated hand me downs.
ETA: I don’t think giving the birth mother anything is appropriate. Let your friend navigate that relationship (if there will be one) after the birth.
Meg Murry says
Or depending on how far you are from her home, you could offer to let her use your hand-me-downs while she is in your area, so that don’t have to pack up and move a pack and play, swing or bouncy seat, stroller, ergo, changing pad, newborn size onesies, etc – they could use yours while in the area, and the bright shiny new ones while at home – or not at all if they stick around your area for a while.
Depends on your dynamics with your friend and if you are done having kids (and therefore passing on things) or planning more (and only want to loan) but I’d probably take some pictures of the baby stuff and say “congrats! You’re welcome to borrow any of this baby stuff while you are in our area, and if you like it and have a way to get it back home you can take it with you when you go! So excited for you and your family!”
TBK says
I don’t know, I agree that giving something to the birth mother without input from the adoptive mother might be awkward, but I could see asking your friend if she thought the birth mother might appreciate [x] (where [x] is something soothing that would feel good to someone who had just given birth — a basket of bath items, for example). I can’t imagine how hard it must be to go through pregnancy and childbirth and then not be a mom. You wouldn’t want to undermine your friend in any way (who might be sensitive to anything that recognizes her child’s other mother — and who likely has insight on the birth mother’s situation that might inform what would be a good idea and what wouldn’t), but if the friend is up for it, a token of recognition for the birth mom might be appreciated.
For the friend, YES DUMP USED STUFF ON FIRST BORN BABY!! I took ALL the used stuff anyone would give me. Happily. I mean, give a new gift, too, but baby things are made to be handed down. Also, if you felt any difficulty bonding with your own kids as newborns, it might be helpful to share that. I know I felt for weeks like we were just babysitting ours, like someone was going to come at any minute and take them back, and I honestly didn’t feel very bonded to them until they were more like a month or six weeks. I also felt like it was a complete mistake to have them and that I was not going to be able to handle caring for them. I remember feeling at the time that it must be so hard to be an adoptive parent. I knew in my heart that we would be able to care for them because they were our babies and people seem able to care for their own babies, and I knew I would love them. But I remember thinking how much harder it would be if you didn’t have that reassurance in the back of your mind, and that I hoped adoptive parents who had no biological children knew that that feeling was just being a new parent and several of us biological parents really didn’t fall head over heels in love right there in the delivery room.
EB0220 says
I did it! I erased my 3rd pumping session from my Outlook calendar and moved my 2nd session a bit later. My baby is 11 months and my freezer stash is good. Excited to start the process of pump weaning but sad, too.
Msj says
Congratulations! My kids are the same age and I just finally weaned off the pump last week (took about 1.5 months to move from 3 to 0 sessions). I am down to my last 50 oz of frozen milk but am finding formula to be so freeing (mixing it with the frozen while they used to the taste).
EB0220 says
Congrats to you, too! I am reading correctly that you have been pumping for multiples? If so, WOW! That is fantastic. I am hoping to make it to 1 yr without giving her formula. I’ve started giving her a little cow’s milk here and there so she is used to the taste, so I figure I can top her off with that if my freezer stash runs low toward the end of the month. I will probably wait until she turns 1 to start dropping the other pumping sessions. I’ve never gotten much from the 3rd one, anyway.
Jen says
Congrats! I weaned at 9 months and by the time I made the call, getting the baby to nurse was such a hassle that I was DONE. I had a limited supply left and she bit/fought me the whole time. We did one last session, and I was teary and sad and then the next AM I had some slight discomfort so tried to get her to nurse one last time…and she did. She ate, fell asleep, and that was the end of my weaning and I felt much better after that *true* last time and celebrated with a big glass of wine that evening.
Thoughts says
Dang – my comment got erased!
Do you mind sharing how much you are pumping per day? I’m so impressed that you haven’t had to supplement at all! I generally pump between 15 and 22 oz a day, but my guy eats between 28 and 30 ozs. I did have a freezer stash, but he ate through it during my first month back. I’ve always felt like I was able to pump a fair amount, and have wondered how many ounces mamas who don’t supplement are able to produce.
Regardless – congrats on reaching a great milestone!!!
sfg says
Not the OP, but I am always curious as well – I typically pump between 15 and 19 oz/day and through last week, my baby was taking between 15 and 20 oz during the workday (3 or 4 bottles at 5 oz). I asked a similar question here last week because I thought perhaps my baby was being a bit overfed, and based on the responses, we are experimenting with 4 oz bottles during the day so I have a better shot at keeping up.
JEB says
I used to pump around 36 ounces per day, at a time when my baby was drinking 21-24. Now she drinks around 30 ounces per day. Thanks to illnesses, work stress, period starting, etc., I’m down to around 20-24 per day, so I’m currently supplementing with my freezer stash. Baby is just over 7 months, for reference.
It seems that everyone is so very different when it comes to pumping amounts. And even though my supply was well-established (I started pumping the first week, due to various issues), I find that it is very susceptible to any number of environmental and physical changes. It can be frustrating! I’m hoping to make it a year, but some days that seems like a long shot.
EB0220 says
Hi! I nurse baby around 8:30, just before daycare dropoff. Then I pump right at 12 oz between 9 am and 5 PM. She has 2 or 3 bottles of 4 oz each. She has two snacks and lunch at school. They are working on the cup and she now takes one of the bottles from a cup over the course of her eating times.
I had zero freezer stash for a while around 6 months. Around 9 months, it started getting easier, as she started eating more finger food.
Liz says
Congratulations! I am finished pumping as of today! Baby is 13 months now. Feels great to have my time back!
AEK says
I would do whatever you’d do for a girlfriend having a baby— which probably means gifts for the baby (will there be a shower?) and, for bonus points, some food for the parents during the first weeks of parenthood. For my two cents, although I think it’s a lovely instinct, it would be strange to gift anything to the birth mother when your friend is to be the child’s mother.
ETA: This was meant for MomAnon4This
Famouscait says
What is your favorite brand of travel wipes? I tried using a package of Target brand travel wipes over the weekend (we use the regular ones at home) and I hated them! They were folded up so small inside the package, I couldn’t get them unfolded with one hand and ended us using about half the package for one measly diaper change.
anonymama says
I just use costco wipes, and when they get about 3/4 of the way down, they become “portable” and go into the diaper bag.
Famouscait says
Brilliant.
mascot says
We had a couple of those hard sided wipes cases, both big tub and small travel (Pampers I think) that we just re-filled with the Costco wipes. Best wipes ever, we still have some on hand even though diapers are long gone.
ANP says
Just had my baby this weekend and came home to the Lands End sale catalog in our mailbox. Given that the scale tells me I’ve lost 0 lbs since my last prenatal appointment (which I find to be impossible since my kid weighed almost 8 lbs at birth), please tell me it’s a bad idea to order clothes right now — even though they’re super cheap and I’m dying to think about wearing real-people dresses, skirts and pants. Help!
NewMomAnon says
Congrats! I wouldn’t go crazy buying new clothes because you will likely shrink out of them, but you will want some comfy maternity leave clothes – washable t-shirts (with stretchy v-necks necks if you’re nursing), lounge pants or skirts with elastic waistbands, and maybe loose open cardigans? Spit up and blow outs happen, clothing changes are a must. I also bought a couple sizes of cheap jeans so I could have something to wear while I was shrinking, but since it’s summer, you could totally do elastic waistband skirts.
Dresses are great if you aren’t nursing. Look for ones that don’t cling to your tummy; they will be more forgiving if the weight sticks around longer than expected. If you are nursing, it’s hard to find a dress that works on the fly.
Carrie M says
Congrats, ANP!! I would normally say don’t buy anything, but I’ll be an enabler today: buy a dress or two to help transition back into a non-maternity wardrobe. It’s the summer, it’s hot, a new pretty dress would make me feel like a million bucks even when covered in spit-up and sleep-deprived. But I would hold off on pants and skirts. I think dresses are more forgiving (particularly LE). Enjoy all the newborn snuggling!!
quailison says
Yay! Congrats! I’d second Carrie’s suggestion for dresses. 5 months postpartum I’m getting by with the new jeans and pair of shorts I bought in my new size – and then I got some fun, cheap, nursing-friendly tops in hopes that by next summer I’ll be back in some of my old stuff and can get rid of this summer’s tops if I want.
anon says
Congratulations! I think the LE v-neck/sleeveless fit & flare dresses could be nursing friendly.
anon says
I feel you! I also, according to the scale, lost just a pound or two three days after having my 8.5 lb baby. I think it’s all the water you drink in the hospital – – have never been so thirsty!!!
NewMomAnon says
I feel like I’m going to explode this week – I’ve been struggling with a part-time work arrangement that isn’t working, and made a proposal in FEBRUARY for a different arrangement (basically, I work M-F 9-5, but am only paid very part-time and not eligible for benefits, and keep getting push back that I should be available more hours). HR hasn’t been returning my calls, and finally scheduled a meeting with me and my two supervisors for later this week. I exceeded my goal hours last month, and several people who aren’t in positions of power have told me that I should go in guns blazing and demand to be ramped up to 80% time so I’m eligible for benefits, but part of me still thinks I’m going to be fired or told that my hours are too inconsistent and they want to ratchet me back even further.
And in the mean time I’m expected to work my butt off on a big project, and had partners e-mailing me all weekend (including on the 4th of July). This part-time things stinks….I feel like I’m expected to be available full time (lawyer full time, including nights, weekends and holidays) but not paid for the personal sacrifice.
Anyway….that’s my rant. Not sure how I’m going to make it until that meeting.
BeenThere... says
NewAnonMom, I was in your same position about 3 years ago — upon my return from maternity leave, I sat down with partners and we agreed upon 9-5 schedule. It never really worked in my practice group (corporate/M&A). I struggled for about a year and was frustrated all the time. Despite the agreement, I was staffed on deals that required 24/7 attention. I tried to get staffed on different projects that didn’t require that time commitment. At the end of the day, the situation did not work for me. I left the firm 2 years ago and it was the best decision I have ever made. I don’t mean to be a Debbie downer, but if you are in a practice group or work for partners that don’t respect the arrangement, it’s time to move on or work for different people. Unless everyone is on board, this will be a constant battle or partners will stop sending work your way.
Anon says
Ugh. I haven’t been there (yet) but from everything I’ve heard, BeenThere… is right–if the partners aren’t behind the arrangement 100% it won’t work. Which causes me great angst because it basically means that I need to find new partners to work for. (Which I have been working on since before I found out I was pregnant, but I’ve got a long way to go to fill my plate.)
Although the concern is normal, I would try not to worry about being fired–it sounds like your practice group is sufficiently busy that they can’t afford to lose you, plus your lawyer-bosses are probably sufficiently risk-adverse they wouldn’t do that.
I want to agree with your colleagues who say you should demand to be put at 80% (not having benefits must suck) but it is likely going to make it even harder to be unavailable nights and weekends. (Of course, if you don’t feel you have that time now, it probably doesn’t matter.) Would you be willing to move to a 4 day a week schedule at 80% even if it meant more availability on the remaining evenings? From what I’ve heard, it can be easier to get partners to respect your schedule if you can say “I am not available on Fridays” or whatever your day “off” is. Or does child care require the 9-5 schedule?
NewMomAnon says
I’ve got daycare available M-F from 6:30 am to 6 pm, so I can work up to about 5:45, take a break for an hour and a half while I feed kiddo and put her to bed, and then hop back online until whenever. And I’m happy to do that, but NOT at significantly part-time pay. Weekends are harder, because I don’t have child care and my kiddo doesn’t let me sit on the couch and redraft documents while daylight is wasting. So my weekend hours are largely limited to an hour for nap time (and that is inconsistent) and then evening hours, all of which will be done remotely.
While I would love to take Fridays off, I work for a lot of different people (like, everyone in my large regional firm) as a specialist, so taking one day off a week was hard. I think Mondays might be easier to take off? I really would just rather work M-F 9-5, do evening work as needed from home, and have that respected as 80% time regardless of the hours I bill.
Anon says
Any mothers of twins here? I have 4 month old twins and I think I’m going to lose my dam*n mind. I’m generally a pretty positive person but this sh*it is hard. They were sleeping from 8 to 3 or 4 consistently but over the last few weeks have seriously regressed in their sleeping habits (probably the dreaded 4 month sleep regression). Now one is waking up at 1 and then again at 4 and then wanting to get up at 5:30. I think my other guy would sleep through but he’s being woken up by his brother. It’s like a cruel joke.
I’ve been scaring myself a bit lately because I’m just running out of patience. When they cry for the 6th time at night and I’m exhausted I get mad, sometime like really mad. I’ve never felt like I’m at risk of hurting them or anything I just feel bad that I get so angry when I’m supposed to be “enjoying this time”. Last night I went to grab my cell phone off the night stand in a jerky fashion and didn’t realize it was plugged in (it was dark). Knocked the lamp and everything else off and scared the crap out of my husband who now thinks I’m a psycho.
I think I need to stop fighting it and just give in to the fact that Zoloft is in my immediate future (not sure if you can take antidepressants while breastfeeding though).
Anon says
I get like this and I haven’t even had my baby yet, so I’m sure it is in my future. I have moderate anxiety with mild depression and was on Lexapro before we started trying to get pregnant and it helped IMMENSELY with these feelings of uncontrollable rage. I have plans to go back on Lexapro ASAP after I deliver because I don’t want to be a psycho ragey mom (like my mom had a tendency to be). Definitely talk to your doctor. I’ve known people who were on BF friendly anti-depressants, although I don’t recall what they were off the top of my head.
Anon says
Good to know that the Lexapro helped with your ragey feelings. Maybe I just need to throw in the I don’t want to be on anti-depressants towel. I was on them for a year a while back and they made a big difference.
Thoughts says
My guess is that – one year from now – you’ll regret having or acting on ragey thoughts or feelings towards your babies a lot more than you’ll regret having to go back on antidepressants.
You are tackling two babies right now. Fight the mental battle of not wanting to be on anti-depressants when you (a) regularly get 8 hours of sleep, and (b) have more time/energy to devote to whatever your other non-drug form of self-care happens to be. You don’t have time to devote to great self-care now, so for your and your babies’ sake, I strongly urge you to take advantage of the extra help now.
MomAnon4This says
I’m on Lexapro and breastfeeding. I was on it during pregnancy, too. There’s psychiatrists and therapists who specialize in mom issues and post-partum, so try and see one of those specialists along with a generalist.
Also, I know you’re breastfeeding… but your kids *might* need a healthy semi-happy semi-slept Mama more than they need breastmilk – something to consider. Whatever you do is RIGHT for you and for them.
Anon says
Only one of my guys actually nurses, the other one could never figure out how to latch. Maybe if he were the only baby I would’ve had time to teach him, but with two it was just impossible. I mainly just pump and bottle feed. I pump usually morning and night so they each get around 2 pumped bottles per day. I feel like my pumping routine is sustainable and I like knowing that they’re getting a little bit of breastmilk. Were you mentioning breastfeeding because of the anti-depressants or because I’d be up more at night?
mascot says
There is a reason that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. Hopefully they start sleeping again soon. The hormones and the lack of sleep probably aren’t helping your moods, but if you think that something more is going on, then it probably is. There are medications that you can take and breastfeed. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your doctor and ask for help. So much of this time isn’t all that enjoyable if we are speaking honestly. I wasn’t much for the infant stage. Some people love that stage. I was a much bigger fan of the 6-18 months stage and then the 3+ stage.
Anonymouse says
I have 14 month twins. It was so exhausting the first few months and mine never did sleep through the night until really late. Is it possible for you to go to sleep earlier? Have your husband take them a few nights a week until 5:30 when you can nurse them? He can feed them a bottle during that time unless you are really against bottles. You need solid chunks of sleep. I can just say – it gets easier. It really does. You are in the existing stage so just figure out how to exist. If that means taking zoloft or something else, fine. I spoke with a therapist when they were around 6 months and she said that exhaustion can have very similar effects as depression or anxiety; we worked on ways to increase sleep and outsource anything that could be. And it’s ok if you don’t love this time. I’m more of a toddler person, myself, and think they are a lot more fun walking around than they were when they just barely rolled over. If you want to talk, you can email me leewells2002 at the yahoo.
Lorelai Gilmore says
I think it would be worthwhile for you to talk to your OB or a therapist if you have one. That ragey feeling might be sleep deprivation or it might be PPD. Either way, it sounds like you need support. Babies are so hard and sleep deprivation is just awful. There’s no shame in reaching out for back-up.
More immediately: Can you ask your husband/mother/a paid baby nurse to handle “night duty” with the babies for a few nights in a row, so you can get some good, uninterrupted sleep? Can you split the twins up so that they are not in the same room and don’t wake each other up? I
Another twins mother says
6-month-old twins here. It gets better. Babies are exhausting. I don’t miss any part of the first 3-4 months. It took me a long time to enjoy my babies. Even now, most of the time I’m in survival mode and I love them best when they are sleeping. Hang in there.
Buckeyeesq says
I have 8 month old twins. It gets better, but don’t get down on yourself now and, frankly, if you need Zoloft and it’s not compatible with breastfeeding, then quit breastfeeding. Your babies will be fine. Is your husband doing any of the nighttime work? I felt bad because I was on maternity leave and my husband had to work, but he ended up taking on a lot of the night time crying fits because I was too tired between waking up to pump and waking up for feedings to do much else, and I would get irrationally angry (like walking in to the nursery and yelling at a crying baby angry) if they cried when they weren’t “supposed” to. The closer I could get to a three hour stretch of sleep, the better I felt and the better I treated the babies. Also, I know sleep-training is a loaded subject, but if you haven’t tried crying it out yet, think about it. We did around 4-5 months, and now the kids generally go to sleep at 7 and sleep til 5. If you have family in the area, see if you could get your parents or his parents to watch the kids for an overnight, or if you don’t have willing family and can afford it, try a night nurse. Even just one full night of sleep should do a lot to recharge you.
Lots of people told me to cherish the tiny-baby time because I would miss it when it was gone. I bought into those statements a little at the time (although in the back of my mind I was filing that advice in the same slot as the common refrain, “It’s lucky they’re your first babies, you won’t know any difference between having one and two” — response, “Do you think I’m a moron? I indeed know that I’m making enough milk for two babies, changing double the diapers, washing double the clothes, and having double the opportunities to lose sleep at night, you idiot”), but we’re now beyond the stage where I can rock them to sleep or they fall asleep in my arms (two of the things I vaguely remember enjoying, on occasion, during the first several months), and I can say with certainty that I don’t miss it. You couldn’t pay me to go back on maternity leave and have to spend 24 hours a day with them. I love them a lot, but I love them a lot more now when I get at least 8 hours around adults everyday and the babies generally sleep through the night and hold their own bottles. They’re giving back now, instead of just taking and it’s a lot better. You’ll get through this–not loving all parts of being a twin mom doesn’t make you a bad mom.
nb says
I laughed outloud at “you couldn’t pay me to go back on maternity leave” because I feel exactly the same way, and I only have one – who I love dearly, but after a 5-day holiday “vacation” with him I was very excited to be back at work today.
pockets says
Have you thought about sleep training? I sleep trained my daughter when she was 4.5 months. They are definitely old enough and getting a solid amount of sleep is essential to my mental health.
anon says
I’m 4 months PP and I started Zoloft almost exactly a month ago. My OB said that the studies showed that a minimal amount, if any, is released in breastmilk. Zoloft has been a game changer for me – I had/have many of the same feelings you describe (and I only have one) and I’m doing a LOT better. I take it after my last session at night in an effort to try to minimize excretion. However, if it weren’t compatible with breastfeeding, I think I’d wean and take it anyway – in combination with therapy, I am much better equipped to deal with the frustrating side of my infant. Good luck with your decision.
Msj says
11 month twins here. Twins are awesome but the first four months are insanely difficult. Others have weighed in on the antidepressants, but I will add to the chorus of a) getting help at night be it your husband or a night nurse and b) looking into sleep training. I tend to be more ‘crunchy’ in many things but we did CIO at 4-5 months and it was a game changer. It doesn’t work for everyone or every baby but it’s so worth it for your sanity.
TBK says
Oh man, I hear you. I gave up bf-ing after three weeks and gave up pumping at 12 (I never had enough for one baby anyway, never mind two). Stop listening to anyone who tells you to enjoy this stage. This stage is HARD. It’s really going to get better and it probably will get better soon (like by six months). Mine are 15 months now and it’s amazing. I wouldn’t give up having twins for anything. But the first 12 weeks I really thought I was going to lose it. And I was home with them full time for the first 11 months and I was SO SO SO happy to get back to work!
I don’t know if you’ll need to give up bf-ing (either so you can take meds, or to make it easier for your husband to take some night duty), but I know I went through some intense guilt when I gave it up. There’s just this assumption that it’s what you’ll do (and if you talk to other professional women, or read things written by or geared toward them, the assumption is there, too). I found the website Fearless Formula Feeder to be extremely helpful. (Avoiding Kelly Mom was also enormously helpful.) Good luck! It really does get better.
Anon says
You need sleep and sleep training. Too bad if people think it’s terrible — f them. Twins are MORE than twice the work. Go read the sleep chapters in Bringing Up Bebe and realize that an ENTIRE country of babies are sleeping through the night at three months (and no one in France breast feeds).
There are about a thousand studies that sleep deprived people are just as (sometimes more) dangerous behind the wheel than people who are drunk. Would you let someone who is drunk care for your babies? No! Would you watch your babies if you were drunk? No! (You’d hire a babysitter for those nights.) So why are you putting yourself and your babies through the equivalent of you downing a fifth of vodka night after night after night?
Sleep train the babies or accept that each day will be worse than the last.
NewMomAnon says
*hugs*
I was prescribed Zoloft by a psychiatrist who specializes in pregnancy-related mood disorders – she pointed me to a website (maybe LactMed?) that showed that Zoloft was the preferred br*feeding antidepressant because of how little is excreted. It has been helpful.
But honestly, the only thing that lifted the angry, sad postpartum fog was sleep. I waited WAY too long to do it, and was kind of embarrassed when I realized that it wasn’t really that big of a deal. It’s a few nights out of more than a hundred nights you’ve already spent with your kiddos. The nights they cry will be less than 5% of their lives to date, and by the time they are a year, it will constitute maybe 1%. Which is just to say – don’t make it a big deal. Babies are super flexible at this age, and they are bonded to you by now. It will be life changing for you and a mere blip in their baby minds.
Sam says
I’m late to this thread, but I have an almost-5 month old who was sleeping fine (2 wakeups only) and now has switched to waking up every single hour. I am so exhausted I could cry. And yesterday a friend asked me if I’m enjoying this time and I said “NO. NO I AM NOT.” So – you are not alone.
Baby clothes says
My little girl is three and a half months old. She is very tall and skinny. She outgrew her newborn clothes lengthwise, but she definitely can’t fill out her three month old clothes. They look massive on her!
Any clothing brand suggestions for a tall and skinny baby? Gap Kids falls off of her. Carters seems to be the best fit so far. Gymboree is also pretty huge in her.
Thanks!
CHJ says
I find Hanna Andersson to fit well on my skinny bean. They are a bit expensive for infant clothes, but sometimes you can find them at Costco. Gerber and Carters were also our go-to’s for smaller clothes. Gap clothes didn’t fit him well until he was over 12 months.
Momata says
Carter’s (available at Costco) and Gerber fit my string bean of a kid the best. I don’t always like the quality of Gerber though.
anon says
Agree agree agree. Carters works for my string bean and Gerber is both usually too short and also not very soft compared to Carters.
AEK says
My guy is skinny too. Kissy Kissy (pricey, boo) and New Jammies have both worked well; I agree that some Carters is cut trimmer too (particularly the footie pjs— the onesies are all over the place, IME).
JEB says
Ralph Lauren is long and lean. Kinda pricey, but I’ve found a lot of good items at our local consignment store (in a wealthy Northern Virginia neighborhood…it’s a gold mine for baby clothes!).
pockets says
Buckeyeesq’s post above inspired me to start this topic: what did you actually miss about the newborn stage? For me, it was the ability to strap her into the carrier and go about my day while she snoozed. And that if I put her down in one spot, she stayed in that spot until I came back and moved her. That’s about it.
NewMomAnon says
I miss being able to strap the baby into her car seat carrier and take her to my hair cut appointments or out to breakfast with friends. And the way she used to snuggle and throw her arms across my chest when she fell asleep – now she sprawls on her back with her arms out to each side and whacks me in the face.
But yeah….mostly, I don’t miss the newborn days. Although I think if I had a second kid, I wouldn’t be so stressed out and it might be a little more fun. What I now know is that it is hard to mess up a newborn if you’re trying to do the right thing.
mascot says
Staying in the spot I put him was a neat trick. And while I don’t miss diapers at all, newborn diapers were a breeze compared to what happens next.
anne-on says
When I’d nurse him and he’d doze off with the happy/drunk look on his face. And the fact that as an infant he was supremely portable and easy to take in his car seat out places. That’s….about it. I much prefer having a talking/interactive/potty trained toddler. Even when he’s having a meltdown I can usually work out what it is about and calm him down. Plus hearing an unprompted ‘i love you mommy’ is the best.
anonymama says
Being able to sit and eat while holding the baby without having to move everything on the table 2 feet away/out of baby-reach. Also, being able to hand baby off to anyone else to hold without him screaming (we are entering the separation anxiety phase now…). And when they would actually lie down when getting their diapers changed, instead of rolling over and squirming away (or reaching down and grabbing their poop-covered junk…) And when they could be easily distracted from something dangerous/inappropriate (here’s a toy!) instead of having a single-minded determination to eat the remote control, even when you hide it behind the cushion.
JEB says
I miss her sleeping on me, which is ridiculous because during the newborn days I constantly cursed the fact that she would only sleep on either me or my husband. Now it’s very rare, and I cherish it when it happens. It’s funny the things that are so frustrating early on that you end up missing!
I also miss dining out without any issues, since she’d sleep soundly in her carseat carrier. Now she wants to grab everything (her reach is shockingly far) and gets bored/fussy halfway through the meal.
meme says
I’ll be the lone dissenter who generally liked the newborn stage with all my kids. I love the time (on maternity leave) to just enjoy my baby without millions of looming deadlines, snuggly, sleepy, super-portable little babies, newborn baby smell, funny facial expressions, first smiles, and time to just sit and stare at them. I didn’t like the sleep deprivation. But my kids were pretty mellow. I had a few harder weeks with the fussiest one, and needless to say I preferred the calm, non-fussy parts.
anon says
We didn’t have a baby who would willingly hang out or sleep in his carseat, like many of the other posters. But he would nap on our chests for the first couple months, and let us rock him to sleep for a nap or after his nighttime feeding, and I miss that a LOT. A little over 3 months, I realized he hadn’t napped on me in weeks and tried to get him to do it one last time before I went back to work… and he refused. Just went into hysterics. Broke my heart. Now, 4.5 months, he won’t even let us rock him. Straight into the crib it is, and I miss it so much!!