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When I was pregnant with both kids, dresses were the easiest thing to reach for. In the colder months, I’d pair them with a comfortable and supportive pair of maternity tights.
This pair of maternity tights from Assets by Spanx has a lot of positive reviews, and I can see why! They feature underbelly support, a comfortable control top, and a soft, matte opaque fabric for a sleek, polished look. The non-binding waistband also won’t dig or pinch — always a good feature, but especially when your belly is changing every day.
Right now, it looks like they are only available in black, but hopefully Assets will add more colors soon.
These Maternity Terrific Tights are $18 at Target and available in sizes 1–3 (4 is currently out of stock).
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Leatty says
Please tell me it gets easier to be a dual income family with kids. I have a 4 year old and 1 year old, and this year has nearly killed me. Within the last 6 weeks, my entire household has had COVID and a nasty upper respiratory virus, and my 1 year old has had an ear infection and currently has a double ear infection and hand foot mouth. Kids have missed so many days of daycare, we have no local family, and I’m so burned out at work that I’m having a difficult time getting everything done, let alone proving that I’m ready to be promoted within the next 6 months. I’ve never wanted to be a SAHM, but I seriously find myself considering it just so life isn’t quite so hard.
Anonymous says
Yes. You’ve all just had Covid!!! It definitely gets easier than that.
Anon says
It is hard. It gets easier but I’ve found that I needed to reprioritize when in the survival mode it sounds like you’re in. It is worth it to keep working but no sugarcoating around it.
Anon says
um, even if you were a SAHM, i don’t think covid + upper respiratory virus + ear infection + hand foot mouth would make life easy. yes you wouldn’t have the work pressures on top of it, but so many sicknesses and sick kids sounds horrible. we are also a dual working family, though i work part time and our nanny was out last week due to a covid exposure and our twins have entered a really difficult stage and DH said it was the worst week for him since March 2020. while i’m sure some people are wonderful SAHM, I myself am not patient enough and am so grateful our nanny was able to come back today. so honestly, for me, i think in some ways being a SAHM would be harder (unless i could also afford childcare). hang in there!
Anonymous says
Also don’t be a hero. This is plenty enough reason to have taken leave.
Walnut says
Girl, same. All the same. How many stinkin’ rounds of RSV and hand foot and mouth can go through a single kid get in six months???
Did my two year old reset his immune system to zero, because this feels like the first six months of daycare all over again.
Clementine says
Oh my goodness, this is my first go with Hand Foot and Mouth… The baby just… didn’t sleep? Screamed? Didn’t want to be picked up, didn’t want to be put down…
That + a random ‘is it allergies or do I need to get older kid COVID tested’ cough that started around midnight is meaning that I straight up told my boss I’m out today. No work from home while wrangling screaming kids, just a Sick Day.
Walnut says
The sores all over the back of the mouth sound like hell – my kid has all my empathy. Also, beware – parents can get it too.
So Anon says
I got HFM when my youngest was in K. I was miserable. – Signed, someone who had her tonsils out as a teen due to chronic tonsillitis.
anonM says
Hand Foot Mouth was the worstttt. Worse than flu. Also, heads up, if it’s on their hands/feet, the nails really might fall off in a month or so. I thought baby had just smashed his hand in a door and then I connected the dots.
Anon says
Ugh, don’t tell me this as we were just exposed.
Anonymous says
Yes, I got HFM from my son. My doctor had no idea what was wrong and sent me to an oral surgeon who wanted to do a biopsy or something. (I declined). My son had had a very mild case with no obvious sores, so I didn’t realize that is what he had, or I would have figured it out sooner.
OP – hugs to you. It really can’t get much worse than what you’ve been dealing with. I can’t imagine dealing with the standard daycare illnesses during COVID. My son is 9 now and it is exciting enough at this age. We also all just got done with COVID and it is just logistically difficult even with mild illness. (If I never have to talk to the NYC Test and Trace Corps again, it will be too soon).
Anon says
i understand the frustration of feeling like you’ve worked really hard for so long and are ready for a promotion, but would it be the end of the world if your promotion took another year. (and yes i would give the same advice to my husband or any male). certain stages of life we prioritize family over career and visa versa. maybe you still will be able to get promoted this year, but it sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself which is making an already challenging situation worse
anon says
This, exactly. You’ve had a rough year. In the grand scheme of things, waiting an additional year for a promotion is NBD, even though it feels that way now. And if that promotion comes with more responsibility, do you even want that at this particular time, when you’re already fried? Kids aren’t tiny forever, and this is a very hard stage.
anon says
Just wanted to offer sympathy. Is FMLA or some other sort of temporary leave (maybe a month?) an option?
Pogo says
+1 I’ve seen too many people try to power through COVID and it drags out their recovery. Just take the leave. That’s what I’ve told myself I’m going to do if it hits us.
Leatty says
I took a few days off when I had COVID, but didn’t take a longer leave because we all had fairly mild cases. We’ve all since fully recovered from COVID, now it is just every single daycare illness we are getting in a row. Neither of our back up care options will provide childcare for sick children thanks to the pandemic. If I thought the world wasn’t designed for two-working parent households before, I’m definitely convinced now.
Anonymous says
So first, yes, things eventually hit a rhythm. The past 18 months have been chaos for everyone–working and nonworking parents.
But beyond that, I’d like to throw it out there that being a dual working family where both parents have traditional 8-5 (or beyond) jobs is a completely different animal than a family in which one or both parents have a more flexible or less full time job. Your choices don’t have to be dual working or full time SAH parent (or the stereotype SAHM with a side MLM gig).
I live in a town with a big mix of working parent configurations. It’s a town with a very high median income but seeing how families do it is super interesting to me. Here are some examples of families in the mid 6 figures (350-600k) where at least one parent is “super present” during the day:
– Husband is in finance, wife worked in marketing for a few years until they had kid #2. She was fully SAH for a year, had one more kid, then got into real estate- buying, renovating (some DIY, some more project management), selling.
– Husband is a tennis pro at a local country club, wife is a real estate agent. Wife outearns husband by easily triple, maybe 4x.
– 4 kids (5/8/10/12) Wife is a partner at an MBB firm. Husband has a job at a local engineering firm but is extremely flexible and i think may even be officially part time. They have an au pair that is sort of a 3rd part time parent. Wife is president of the PTO and on a charity board; husband coaches at least 5 different sports teams. Husband cooks family dinner every night (or preps it and then leaves to coach).
– 3 kids (5/8/10) Family owns insurance agency. Husband is president. Wife is largely SAH but also does some of the
– 3 kids (3/8/10): husband and wife are investors in a local crossfit gym; husband is also a midlevel sales guy and wife also has an interior design business. Wife was largely SAH (I’d say maybe 5-10 hours/week working on gym related stuff) for about 3 years over all the kids.
– 2 kids (3/5): husband is in finance (insurance?), wife is a pediatric ER physician’s assistant who works 3 12s a week, one is always a weekend. They have a nanny 2 days/week. Mom is moving to a new role soon and she’ll be working 8-12 5 days/week managing a clinical trial for the hospital she’s been working at doing primarily case management from home.
– 2 kids (6/9): husband is a contractor, wife is a pharmacist. Wife had been off shifts when the kids were younger (something like 12-8) and a few years ago took a role working from home in healthcare tech. They are both full time but have always had extremely flexible employers or jobs that lend themselves to flexibility. Kids were in full time preschool (9-4) and did a few days of extended day in elem but not much else.
– 3 kids (3/5/8): husband is senior management at a tech firm, wife was in tech but left to open consulting practice. Both work from home and wife also has a landscape design practice (I hired her to design my garden beds and had no idea her “real job” was in tech!).
– 2 kids (7/9): he’s a government employee, she’s ex Big Law and opened her own part time practice. She’s got a lot of flexibiity in what she does and when; he has approx 10 million days off per year. The kids went to daycare 9-4 and do aftercare now 3x/week. The mom is Queen of Carpool for all the kids’ sports. I think they must seriously do like 12 sports.
– 3 kids (7/9/13): dad is in pharma, mom worked FT in pharma until her youngest was 3 in increasingly part time roles and said literally “f*ck this, I’m missing the kids grow up.” She stopped working and was immediately bored. She went back to work part time as a contractor and when the pandemic hit, she quit. She started a neighborhood learning pod and ran it for all the families in the neighborhood with nobody else to help watch the kids during the pandemic (we paid her, but that’s not why she did it. She offered to do it for free but we all protested immensely). Then when schools started to open but did not allow parent volunteers, she signed up to be a building sub and was the “eyes in the school” for all the parents who were freaking out about returning safely. She was like…super PTA mom and let us all know when the teachers needed help, and how. I think the school principal is ready to name a wing after her.
(this woman is my neighbor and my hero! She’s also an ivy league educated woman who apparently gets job offers regularly, so no fears of a career ending choice. I’m also insanely jealous of her garden and well behaved children)
– 3 kids (2/4/8) husband is a director of FP&A kind of guy at a firm, wife owns her own chiropractic business. Wife doesn’t practice anymore and instead owns/manages runs.
– 4 kids (18 months, 2.5, 4,5) wife and wife are both dentists and own their own practice with a few other dentists as staff. They are extremely present for their kids and have fostered then adopted four kids 5 & under. They have a family assistant (sort of like a nanny or au pair; part time and live out). One kiddo is special needs and I know one of the parents is at least part time work / part time caregiver for this child alone.
Anyway, those are just examples off the top of my head. We also know families that have a full time SAH parent, often the mom. As the kids get older (eg. 3+) the mom is increasingly bored and ready to go back to work. Of them women I know, most have been able to get back into a role that works for them now, even if it wasn’t the role that they left.
anonM says
Thanks for this. Anyone else want to add some others? Bonus points if the marriage seems happy. I’m severely lacking in models of this working mom life — most of my close friends are having a very very hard time with it and/or divorcing. This has me brainstorming and inspired that maybe we CAN do this. Thanks!
Anonymous says
It gets easier. Toddler years are rough, I imagine, even for SAHM because you have to keep up with them all day and they are non-stop!
For me: Neither of us is hyper-present all week, but we have family dinner together most nights and lots of weekend family time. Three kids, youngest just started K this year, so all early elementary. HHI is in the range Anonymous listed above. We’re happy! We’re running the same rat race as everyone else, but we’re on the same team and are happy with our partnership amidst the chaos.
Me: middle-management at a large global company, hybrid schedule with decent flexibility although I certainly work more than 40 hours most weeks.
DH: Fed gov has many more days off than I do, reliably works only 40 hours, also has reasonable flexibility, but has a 30-60 min commute. On the plus side, his job is 100% in office. If he’s not there, he’s not working.
DH ends up picking up more of the odd days off than I do, assuming he doesn’t have a can’t-miss meeting. In a pinch, I can wfh with a mildly ill kid watching TV on the couch. Kids do aftercare, but due to covid restrictions that still isn’t a full 9 hours of care each day, so we split drop-off and pick-up, and adjust our work hours accordingly.
RR says
It does get better. This is a short season in life. Mine are 13/13/8 now, and it’s still chaotic in different ways, but there’s so much difference when they can feed themselves, dress themselves, wash themselves, move about the world without dying if you take your eyes off them for a second, help around the house, manage aspects of their own schedules, etc. You do add teenage drama and fighting about homework, but I will take that over the constant hands-on stress of littles any day. Just hang in there and do the best you can each day. I promise that over the years it all works out–your kids are fine, you still progress in your career, etc. Even if you feel like a mess some days, months, years.
EDAnon says
It does get better! It’s still hard, but I found by the time my youngest was 2-2.5, things got a lot easier. Less illnesses and more autonomy. But that many illnesses does just suck and there is nothing to do but wait it out. And if you have six months until promotion time, that means you have many weeks that your kids likely won’t be ill.
Mrs. Jones says
Ugh I am sorry! This is a lot. Gentle suggestion that you might want to talk to your ped about ear tubes. That nipped our son’s ear infections in the bud.
Anonymous says
I’ve been wearing swing tees or tunics over skinny jeans as my uniform for a long time now, but it’s feeling pretty dated. What’s a fresher version of this? Cusp/plus size, want to draw attention away from the waist. Thanks!
Anonymous says
I’m traditional sizing but this is me too. I feel like everything accentuates the waist right now.
buffybot says
Hi all —
Looking for resources for dear friend/family member who is considering alternatives for building their family. In particular, they are starting to consider the process for adoption and/or gestational carriers. Does anyone have any known resources in NYC or the tri-state area generally for agencies or services related to either? This is definitely solicited — they came to me because I went through a few years of fertility treatments and so were wondering if we had started to consider these options, but hadn’t quite gotten there so didn’t have any firsthand knowledge.
Thanks!
Clementine says
A friend used to work for PP in the greater NY area and told me that they considered Spence Chapin to be the most ethical adoption agency around. They go out of their way to make sure to educate birth parents on all their options – even the non-adoption options.
Anonymous says
“Gestational carriers?” Wow, that’s pretty dehumanizing. I understand you didn’t make up the phrase, but are you sure you want to use it? It’s straight out of The Handmaid’s Tale. I suggest you help them explore adoption.
buffybot says
I understand the strong emotional reaction but your ire is misplaced. That’s actually the preferred terminology in this field of medicine/alternative reproductive technology as there is a recognized difference between surrogacy and gestational carrier, which is why I’m using the more precise term.
I don’t have personal skin in this game as I’m just trying to help someone understand their options. If you don’t think adoption isn’t also an ethical minefield, then I don’t know what to tell you. It’s possible to take many different routes to build your family, many of them potentially exploitative – but I also believe it’s possible to do this in a thoughtful, compassionate way.
Anonymous says
No, my ire isn’t misplaced. We just disagree that calling a woman a “carrier” is dehumanizing.
Anon says
She’s a woman who is willing to go through a physically and emotionally arduous 9+ months (let’s be real – postpartum is a bear so it’s more like a year and a half) so that someone else can raise a child. Do not reduce her to a machine.
Pogo says
I have heard both used, and I think I am just more familiar because I have been in the ART world for 6? 7? years now. I could see how the term is triggering, in the same way women who miscarry are thrown off by a provider mentioning their “spontaneous abortion”.
Anonymous says
Or me being a Habitual Aborter. There is a diagnostic billing code for that.
anon says
Adoption has plenty of issues on its own.
Anonymous says
Is this a new phrase? Is something wrong with “surrogate”?
Anon says
technically surrogate refers to when the woman carrying the baby has a genetic connection to the child, whereas gestational carrier is when the woman carrying the baby has no genetic connection. i could be wrong, but i think in this day and age most are gestational surrogates because we now have the technology for that, but we did not always.
Anonymous says
I’ve never heard of surrogate used in that way before. Surrogacy always referred to the woman carrying the baby irrespective of whether it was her egg or a donor egg.
Completely agree that ‘gestational carrier’ is dehumanizing to women. Just because it’s standard medical language doesn’t mean it isn’t dehumanizing.
Anonymous says
I mean, much medical terminology is kind of *intentionally* dehumanizing, is it not?
anon says
No. Speaking as — I am assuming — the only person in this conversation who has been a surrogate and hung out in these communities for years, it goes like this:
Traditional surrogate: pregnancy where the surrogate provides an egg as well as gestation and birth
Gestational surrogate or gestational carrier: Where the surrogate carries and births a baby using the genetics of the intended parents or a third-party donor. The terms are used interchangeably. And no, no one has ever objected to one term over another in my many many years on surrogate forums. There are many ways for surrogates to be commodified or mistreated, but the terminology isn’t where that happens, and pretty much every surrogate I know uses one or both terms largely at random. GS is maaaaybe more common in usage, but it’s hard to say.
GS is more common in the arms-length agency setting, or even where one friend carries for another. TS is more common in the familial setting — one sister carrying for another, usually. But it’s complicated and incredibly nuanced and personal, and speaking for myself, I have zero time for anyone who hasn’t been there telling me I’m calling myself the wrong thing, because I know what my experience was like, and how extraordinary and fulfilling it was.
To the original OP, I don’t have any intel about surrogate agencies in the area, but I know all the major NY fertility clinics will have extensive experience with surrogate pregnancies, and may have recommendations for agencies they are familiar with. They may also want or suggest specific lawyers for the intended parents or, more commonly, specific providers to do the required psych screenings and counseling for intended parents and surro and partner and children, if any. The clinic is a good place to start.
Anon says
For adoption, they’ll need to think through whether they want to do domestic infant adoption, domestic foster care adoption, or international adoption. None of them are easier than any other and they all have their pitfalls.
For domestic infant adoption, Spence Chapin and the Barker Foundation both have solid reputations. The biggest downside (for the adoptive family) is that a mother can decide to keep her child after all and the adoptive parents are left childless. (The laws on this vary by state – some birth mothers have 30 days to decide, etc.)
For foster care adoption, many states won’t place children with an adoptive family unless that family has also been a foster family, and fostering children is hard work, and fostering with the intent to adopt if parental rights haven’t already been terminated can be heart-wrenching. The children will likely have experienced trauma. (Tell your friend to watch the movie Instant Family with Mark Wahlberg and Rose Byrne. So, so good.) This process should be started with the social services office in their home county. Children whose parental rights have been terminated and are available for adoption can be seen at adoptuskids.org.
International adoption is expensive and subject to whatever’s going on geopolitically in the world (e.g., China halted international adoptions in January 2020, trapping families who were in-process, and the program appears unlikely to reopen as political tensions remain). The US only has adoption treaties with about a dozen countries (countries that ostensibly have their stuff together enough to be certain that children aren’t being trafficked), so there isn’t the whole world to choose from and each country has its own requirements for income, health, etc. Children available internationally are commonly healthy older kids who were taken from their parents for the same alcohol/drugs/abuse/neglect reasons as American kids or younger children with severe medical needs. (The days of rows of healthy infants waiting in cribs are largely gone.) Holt and Madison are two of the biggest in the field with the most countries to choose from. Waiting international children available for adoption can be seen by creating a free account at rainbowkids.com. (The website looks a little homemade, but it’s legit.)
Good luck to your friend.
Anonymous says
If considering international adoption, be aware of the possibility for reactive attachment disorder.
Clementine says
I mean, that’s possible with any adoption, not just international. Lots of examples related to Eastern European orphanages where they basically had no contact with humans, but… attachment challenges (including RAD) are something that is very common in children who are raised separately from their biological/natural/first families.
Blanket statement is that attachment is really important and I recommend learning about it extensively before adopting.
Snoo in DC? says
DMV-area moms, if anyone is looking to sell a Snoo in the next few months (between now and November or so), I’m on the market — I’ll register a burner email if anyone is interested in getting the ball rolling. TIA!
anon says
Mostly a rant, but please share your advice if you have it. I was solo parenting all day Friday and Saturday, followed by a birthday party for my daughter yesterday. Not ideal, but timing-wise, that’s the only the thing that remotely made sense. I am so exhausted and the week has just started. Then I’ll be solo parenting again Thursday through Sunday. I hate it, my husband knows I hate it, and the situation is not going to change. I don’t even have tiny kids anymore, and I still find it difficult to be on 24/7. I resent my husband’s job SO MUCH this time of year. It’s not like I don’t have a job of my own to do, you know? So much of the online advice about solo parenting is geared toward SAHMs, and while that is definitely its own brand of hard, I can’t relate to much of the advice. (Most of it has the flavor of “I am so grateful my husband works so hard and makes a living for us! This is my duty as a wife and mom!” That has, uh, less power when you’re bringing in a chunk of the family income, too, and need to be mentally coherent at your own day job.)
Anonymous says
How is/are your kid/kid(s)? Advice will vary if you are talking about an 18 month old or a 5 year old (you’re probably not talking about a 10 year old!).
anon says
They’re 6 and 11. Old enough to have some independence, but there are always school projects, homework, lessons, etc. It’s not intense in the same way as solo parenting with tiny ones, but I find the hours very long and lonely.
Anon says
I wonder if there is an older teen in your neighborhood or a student at the closest college who would help sit with the kids while they work on their homework/do some light housework for you for $15-20 an hour so you can get a break? If you don’t know anyone personally I’d check c@re dot com or if there is some sort of nanny/babysitter agency in your area.
My spouse has some upcoming three-day travel and I decided I am going to take those days off rather than try to juggle a big law workload and a baby. Obviously that isn’t an option every time if your spouse travels a lot, but maybe an option once in a while?
Anon says
i do a lot of solo parenting and hate it too. on the weekends it is the worst. i find having plans that involve other adults make it much more tolerable so i have someone to talk to. we are still only socializing with people outdoors due to covid.
Anonymous says
Draw on your village. I’d totally do a playground meet up or something for a friend in need.
So Anon says
It is really hard to solo parent and work full-time. My biggest advice is a mindset shift: accept that for those stretches, it is all on you (or you to get your kids to do). It is really really hard. What saves me is to prepare and plan ahead as much as possible. This means that I have very little downtime because I spend “downtime” doing things that I can see need to be done for the week ahead. I spend at least one day per weekend getting ready for the week: prepping lunches, dinners, making sure any sports uniforms are ready to go, school supplies are on hands, errands are run. This follow-up to this is that I have to take care of myself: sleep as much as I need so that when I am up, I can be getting stuff done; exercise so that I have stamina, and eat to support both of those. I spend most of the weekends on my feet, and love Mondays for the chance to actually sit for more than 15 minutes. The other part of the mindset shift is to lower expectations – both for yourself and your kids. It is totally ok to allow more screentime, paperplates, eat out, whatever you need to get through those stretches.
Also – I second getting another set of hands if possible. I have a college-aged babysitter who picks up my kids 2x per week. She picks them up from school and hangs and entertains my kids (10 and 8) while I wrap up work, run errands, prep dinner, run, whatever.
Allie says
When my husband used to travel for work a lot I had him in charge of 100% of dinners while he was away – he could cook in advance and leave food in the fridge and freezer or figure out delivery (including what would be ordered and the logistics) but he had to set out the plan to me before leaving. It REALLY helped take something off my plate and feel like we were both taking on part of what needed to be done while he was gone.
Anon says
+1. Leaving you to solo parent while working means that more has to go on his plate. I solo parent 3-5 days each week and work a 50 hr/week job, and it’s exhausting. A few things HE owns to make it manageable.
– He is fully in charge of food and meals and grocery shopping. He plans the meals for the week, makes sure the groceries are in the fridge before he leaves, and preps things ahead of time if he can.
– He is in charge of arranging babysitters. If there are competing sports practices while he’s gone, he arranges the carpools. If he can’t be the second parent, then he’s in charge of finding someone to help.
– He manages the cleaners. I do not clean at all. So they come biweekly and he coordinates with them if they need to switch times or days (after checking with me on my work schedule.) I do not have enough time in my week to spend it scrubbing toilets or changing the sheets.
– He programmed as many appliances as possible to take that off my list. The washing machine/ dryer have one-push buttons so the kids can do their own laundry. The coffee maker automatically runs in the morning. The garage door automatically closes itself at 1030 each night so I don’t have to check. Etc.
In addition, we do a weekend babysitter or playdate around once a month – like 4 hours where I get the house completely to myself. (Arranged by him.) Usually I just sit in silence, or sometimes I’ll do a little project. But it’s my time to relax and reset.
And we have routines for everything. Checklists are everywhere in our house. We have the school-ready checklist by the garage door so kids can check themselves before leaving. We have the bed time routine taped to the bathroom mirror so they pick out their clothes the night before. We have the “formula” for lunches so the kids can pack their own after dinner. We have a massive family calendar so we all know the plan for the day.
Good luck. It’s so hard to solo parent but you’ve got this. Ask for help when you need it, and make sure everyone in your house is contributing. My 6 year old’s closet is a complete disaster, but at least he can wash his clothes and find clean shirts in the morning. Fruit roll-ups may make it into a lunch or two each week, but at least I know they’re also adding an orange or banana.
anonM says
Even without a partner who travels, this is great! Fostering independence and contribution to the household. Parenting goals. I’m sure to you it’s exhausting, but I’m really impressed as the mom of two toddlers!
Anonymous says
Am I the only person who thinks solo parenting is easier than joint parenting? If your spouse is gone, you don’t need to spend time listening to them talk about their day or deal with their messes or worry about their being lonely while you get stuff done. You can just power through the essentials with the kids and be done with it. You don’t have to put full meals on the table and can get away with things like cheese and crackers for dinner. This is not a statement about my spouse’s capabilities and needs–it’s just that an extra person around inevitably creates more demands and more mess.
Anon says
Honestly it has never even crossed my mind to worry abut my husband being lonely while I do chores. If he’s so lonely surely he can join you, or he’s too busy doing other chores to be lonely?
anon says
I don’t find it easier overall, but I will say mentally sometimes it’s easier than the debates over who does what. I just do it all, and don’t have to feel annoyed/resentful if he doesn’t do something I think he should. Ugh.
Anon says
why are christmas and hannukah pjs/outfits already being advertised everywhere? i know each year things get earlier and earlier, but school barely just started.
Anonymous says
I don’t understand what is going on with seasonal merchandise and clothing these days. Our Target has Halloween and Christmas decorations out, but at the same time it seems that retailers have barely begun to carry fall clothing and there is no snow gear to be found, despite the fact that I used to have to buy it in August before sizes sold out. I don’t know whether to buy everything I know I’ll need the moment I see it because it will sell out, or to wait for sales.
anon says
Same! I assume some of this is pandemic-related, but I don’t want to look at Christmas stuff in September! Meanwhile, I’m not seeing a ton of true fall clothes for kids. Lots of tee shirts in fall colors, but not really what I’m looking for.
Spirograph says
Because with all the supply chain problems, you’d better order that stuff now to be sure to have it by December. :)
Pogo says
ha, accurate. As someone deeply involved with the supply chain issues for my job.
Cb says
Yeah, I always wait too late with Christmas PJs and miss out, which is a shame b/c my son really loves them. I did just order his Halloween accessory (he wants to be a wolf, ordered a knitted wolf hat off etsy and calling it a day) and I’m glad I did because they are handknit and have a lead time. If he changes his mind before Halloween, that’s his hat for the winter.
EDAnon says
This is what I heard on NPR this weekend. Additionally Hanukkah is early this year.
Anonymous says
My kindergartener has been in school for 3 days and has already been flagged as a Close Contact for COVID. We are in a high vax state in a town with an indoor mask mandate and a teacher vax mandate. UGH.
FWIW, it was the the girl that sat next to my kid on the first day of school then was out the next two days (she had a belly ache and the nurse said to get a covid test). Her mom called me and told me as soon as she got the result. We did rapid test on at and sun and both were negative.
Our school is doing a test-and-stay program this year so kiddo can go to school and will be nose-swabbed daily until Thursday, along with 8 other kids in her class. Fingers crossed that this new program works because I will LOSE if all 3 of my kids have to stay home and quarantine for the next two weeks.
Pogo says
Ugh, I am so sorry. I am terrified of the whole family coming down with it – I’ve been hearing of more breakthrough infections recently.
Anonymous says
You know…I’m not even terrified of our family getting it. I’m terrified of one kid getting it and the others having to quarantine, then eventually getting it, then having to sit out another 10 days after the last day of symptoms. with 3 kids that could easily be a month of staying at home playing the waiting game.
Anon says
wow! i’m impressed with the protocol that your school has in place. hope your kiddo is ok!
Anonymous says
True, state of MA and a well funded school district FTW. We didn’t get called this AM so I assume that means she tested negative (nurse told me they’d swab her first thing before she even went to class).
anon says
Also in MA. I think there are a number of districts doing this. In my town they had an exposure and did test-and-stay. None of the kids tested positive and all is good now a week+ removed from testing ending. Under previous protocols, basically the whole class would have isolated for 7-10 days. So much better and – knocks on wood – so far is working.
Anonymous says
Yes, your district’s policy seems to strike a great balance between safety and keeping kids in school. Our district defines exposure as being within three feet of an infected person for more than 15 minutes and doesn’t even notify parents if there was an infected child in the classroom unless their own child meets the definition of exposure. This will not end well.
Anonymous says
OP here. The school sends a note if there is a positive case, and close contacts are notified, but like you, unless you are a close contact you don’t know if there is a positive in your class. It’s HIPAA.
Also, our schools do pool testing. They did it last year and had a 90% participation rate (and the 10% that didn’t had logical reasons- mostly SPED kids in their own classrooms for whom it would be overwhelming. Also a couple teachers that opted out but were vaccinated and tested weekly separately but didn’t want to be stuck missing work if they got flagged in a positive pool).
Anonymous says
HIPAA does not apply to schools, only to health care providers. HIPAA and FERPA do not preclude notification of classmates of infected students.
EDAnon says
I am also super impressed!
No Face says
I’m impressed too.
Cb says
Not sure if they ship to the States, but UK moms – I ordered from Lindex and the stuff is gorgeous. Not much more than H&M, with way better patterns and colours for boys. Got an amazing raincoat with woodland creatures, dinosaur leggings with soft linings to them, PJs with the cuffs, thick joggers. Most things are organic cotton and really soft.
Anon says
I read this as you bought a raincoat with woodland creatures and dinosaur leggings for YOURSELF…and I was jealous. WFH for the past 18 months may have dulled my fashion sense a bit. And my reading comprehension.
Cb says
I WISH they came in my size. I could rock some dino leggings for WFH days!
Anonymous says
I bet you could find some from LuLaRoe.
Anonymous says
Look at ModCloth
Feeling Like a Cow says
Looking for some sane voices to reassure me that formula is great and I don’t need to put myself through pumping hell even if we’re in the middle of a pandemic and I might be giving her some vaccine antibodies (and any great pumping at work tips you have!).
I’m towards the end of my maternity leave and have been lucky enough to exclusively breastfeed, while pumping one bottle a day for Dad to give. Pumping sucks and I am not looking forward to doing it 3+ times a day while at work. I’m planning on committing to it for the first month I’m back so I can really get into a routine and then evaluate how I feel about it. Logically this sounds like a good plan and I know formula is great. However, in looking for tips I’ve been inundated with the “breast is best, make huge sacrifices to make sure you’re still breastfeeding your toddler” crowd so emotionally I just need some reassurance that it’s not selfish to stop pumping if I despise it.
Anon says
Formula is great! Your husband can feed!
Also, not doubting breastfeeding has some benefits for immunity, but DS has been exclusively formula-fed and has been at daycare almost two months now and been illness-free. (Fingers crossed.)
rakma says
Formula is great! It’s a marvel of modern science! Kids do great when they’re drinking formula and when they’re drinking breastmilk. It is not selfish to take care of yourself, and if that means stopping something you hate, then by all means, stop doing the thing you hate.
The only thing that got my through pumping was having something enjoyable to do for myself while I was pumping. I did not read email or do work while I was pumping, I listened to podcasts and read books. Those 20-minute pumping sessions were the most ‘me time’ I had during my kid’s first years, and if I was trying to work and pump I wouldn’t have made it a week.
Anonymous says
Formula is a fantastic choice. My best friend had to switch to it unexpectedly and it’s been a godsend for equality in their marriage and her stress/sleep levels. All the stated evidence-based claims for formula being superior are extremely overblown if you live in a country with clean water and you are not food-insecure. There are almost no differences between formula and breastfeeding for most mothers in the U.S.
If you got vaccinated during pregnancy, you already gave your baby some antibodies and they’re thought to be at a higher level than the ones that will get through in breast milk. Plus, the antibodies aren’t stimulating a T-cell response or any other mechanism for promoting strong immunity – antibodies will fade over time and there isn’t anything you can do about that. Go with formula!!
katy says
How old is you little one? How long do you realistically want to keep nursing when at home? It sounds like you are looking for permission not to pump?
If I had a second I WOULD NOT PUMP AT WORK and would switch to day / night nursing only once I was back at work. (8 months with first one). If I was going back at 3 months, I would probably be more motivated to pump to keep supply up for the weekends. (THIS IS MY PERSONAL CHOICE – NOT a Dr. recommendation).
MYuderstanding is that the antibodies benefits are a result of the presence of breast milk, not the quantity of it. Can you nurse morning / night and just pump once for relief during the day??
Also – I just want to say that I totally see you. This is a tough personal choice, that not withstanding the clear logic that all kinds of ways feeding your baby are great, it feels like a huge deal to cut back on nursing. You are not alone.
This is a very personal choice
Anon says
so i had a lot of guilt stopping pumping, though i always gave some formula from the start because i never made enough milk (twins). one of my best friends is a pediatrician, and told me that a lot of the breast is best is nonsense and she showed me studies that it makes the biggest difference in premies
Anonymous says
Pumping and BF are too different things. I exclusively BF baby #1 and loved it. No bottles unlike like 4 months because I was too lazy to figure out pumping. On the twins, they were early so I pumped, BF’d and combo fed. They are all fine. Combo feeding is fine. You can do that with or without pumping.
Consider going back to work and just pumping twice a day for the first month (I think it will be uncomfortable and a huge hormonal shift to wean entirely), then drop to just pumping at lunchtime. If you are also nursing morning, after work and evening, then you can continue like that for as long as you want. I didn’t pump at work (long mat leave) but from friends, pumping just at lunchtime didn’t seem like near as much a hassle as pumping 3x a day.
Walnut says
Breastfeeding and I were just not friends, so I pumped and gave formula. I hung up pumping at the end of my maternity leaves each time and have no regrets. I give you permission to start dropping pumping sessions today (starting with that god-awful 3AM session!!)
Allie says
I did a mix of pumping and formula once I went back to work and it was SO MUCH better for me than trying to exclusively pump. I never even tried to exclusively pump – I just pumped twice a day for 20 mins each time and supplemented the rest with formula. You could do that – just decide how much you want to pump and give your kid formula for the rest from the jump.
SC says
Formula is a great choice! I had a similar experience–exclusively breast fed and pumped during maternity leave, then returned to the office and gave pumping a try. Honestly, in some ways, pumping at the office wasn’t as bad as at home. I was sitting at my desk anyways, so I didn’t feel quite so tied down while pumping. I used the time to do low-energy tasks.
But it was hard in other ways, especially because I was in an office culture where our schedules were not respected and saying, “Excuse me, but I need to pump now,” would not have been taken well. My lack of pumping led to drops in supply, and by the time my baby was 6 months old, we were relying on my freezer stash a lot. By the time he was 7 months old, he was exclusively formula fed.
EDAnon says
I had to use formula but still it’s great! Your kiddo will be healthy and fine. My kid’s are smart and sweet and healthy at 3 and 5.
CCLA says
Saaaame! Formula saved my mental health, and I’m so grateful for posters here back in those days sharing their support for formula feeding as I struggled mightily. I can’t speak to the Covid specific environment as my kids are 5 and almost 3, but both in daycare since infancy and rarely ill (and super smart and all around awesome or course)…both exclusively formula fed after 1-3 weeks of v little bf success.
blueberries says
Fed is best!
The breast is best marketing assumes that women don’t matter. We do, not just inherently, but our happiness, stress levels, and well-being matter more to our babies than the modest benefit of breastfeeding for families with reliable access to formula and clean water.
If you haven’t already, check out the Atlantic’s coverage of breastfeeding.
Anon says
I encourage everyone to look up the science of sleep deprivation. It’s… not cutesy fun “Oh, I miss sleeping in! I’m a walking zombie!” It has profound effects on cognition, emotional regulation, and stress.
Pogo says
Pumping does suck. It’s the worst. Do whatever makes you feel good, because baby will be fine either way.
For me that meant continuing to pump some and supplement w/ formula, because logically I knew I could stop but hormonally I was very attached. Also I have serious clogged duct issues. So I’m now tapering slowly on my pumping which I hope with help with hormones and clogs.
I would for sure get down to 2x a day asap, then 1x a day if you really want to keep doing any pumping at all. I tried to do 3x a day and lasted like a week, it’s brutal
No Face says
I love breastfeeding and HATE pumping. Now that I am completely past that stage, I think I wasted too much time and effort on pumping.
I don’t remember the timing now, but for baby #2 I switched to pumping once a day at work so that my supply didn’t completely fall off. Then I completely switched to formula after a certain point.
If a #3 unexpectedly appears at some point, I would nurse during maternity leave and then wean completely for work.
Anon says
From a scientific perspective, the benefits of breastfeeding are overstated. Breastfeeding is a proxy for so many things that affect children’s development that you’re really just picking up on cofounding effects. One of the biggest ones is free time: parents with crazy long commutes, hard working schedules, stressful jobs, etc. have a hard time making EBF work after maternity leave.
All formulas are not equal. We used Similac’s normal formula, which is basically milk and a lot of nutrients. The ones that have corn syrup as their primary ingredient should be avoided unless your kid has an allergy necessitating it. Get it from Costco – free shipping and the cheapest per-ounce price around.
Clementine says
As somebody who has both 100% breastfed a kid until almost age 2 and 100% formula fed the younger 2 kiddos (with 0 guilt because it wasn’t an option to BF) … they’re both great!
You know what? All of them are healthy and happy. All of them are weird toddler eaters who will refuse to eat foods that I know they like (no spaghetti sauce! unless I call it ‘dip’ and put it on the side of penne and let the dip it). None of them have massive food allergies. All of them had ear infections.
Somebody said recently: it’s no longer liquid gold if the price is your sanity.
PistachioLemon says
+1
Mrs. Jones says
I hereby give permission to stop pumping. I hated every second of it and if I had another baby, I’d wean before going back to work.
Anon says
Formula is fine! I pumped exclusively since birth (supplemented with formula for any shortages) and it was really, really hard. I forced myself to commit to it for at least three months. It made it easier for me to make it to the three month mark when I had that goal in mind, and I’ve actually kept two sessions a day (once in morning at work, and once after baby is in bed), although I’ll probably cut those out at the 4-5 month mark.
My pump sessions at home were actually the hardest ones to do (both in terms of when they happened and having to make sure I wasn’t on-call for the baby when I pumped). Pumping at work was a nice break for me when I could just take fifteen-twenty minutes and not think about the job. If I could have, I would have gotten rid of all my at-home pumps and just kept my work ones.
My only regret is that formula is expensive, and I’m cheap, but otherwise, it’s SO NICE to not have to manage the milk. I just brought water and powder on a trip this weekend and didn’t have to mess with refrigeration or anything.
Anon says
Formula is great, use the formula. I BF and Pumped for my first 3 kids for a full year and I regret never using formula, because it came at the price of my sanity and sleep. The “immunity” benefits were BS for us: my first was never sick, my second two are sick ALL THE TIME. My second had so many ear infections in his first year of life I lost count (and then he got ear tubes). I also had PPD/A.
Now I have medication and therapy and am freeing myself of formula guilt for baby number 4. Our plan is to start formula right away. I will still BF some, and pump if I want, but I want formula to be an option from the beginning so I can fully enjoy my last baby’s first year without being a tapped out sleep deprived monster.
PetiteMom says
Please tell me there are advantages to the family including myself to be a full time working mom with a young kid. I feel so drained after this weekend. Yesterday I just met a stay at home mom friend and I feel so jealous of the “me” time she has. She has free weekends to do fun things (as opposed to chores and kids activities), time to see her friends for lunch/coffee, time to exercise and cook healthy meals, time for her kid so that it is all calm and peace at home. If I didn’t work, we would not be able to afford to move into a good school district area when our son starts kindergarten. A good education has been a goal and priority for us. I realize I cannot have it all: provide the best education we can for our son and also have free leisurely time. Do you ladies have designated me time? If yes, how does it work? What helps you avoid being resentful? I know I would benefit more by having working mom friends but again I have no time for that!
Lily says
Do you have a partner? If so, schedule 1-2 dinners with your friends every month and your partner can be on kid-duty. Then you can reciprocate when he/she wants to do the same. I like to schedule the dinners for after bedtime so I’m not sticking my husband with dinner/bath/bedtime on his own, but sometimes I go earlier and he’s fine with it (and I reciprocate). Date night with partner is harder – do you have local family or a trusted babysitter?
Can you do a workout class during lunch during your workday? It’s easiest if you WFH, but I used to do non-sweaty workouts during lunch when I was going into an office (there were workout studios within a few blocks, and I’d take a 45 min class so I was back within an hour).
Cooking healthy meals – this is all about prepping in advance. Can you set aside an hour on Sunday (during nap?) to do this?
Anonymous says
I just have to laugh at the idea of non-sweaty workouts and meal prep taking an hour.
Anon says
Yoga?
Anonymous says
I sweat even in non-hot yoga.
Anonymous says
My office, back when there were offices, had lunchtime yoga 3x per week. It was glorious. I kept baby wipes in my bag just in case, but usually a full change of clothes (including underwear) was sufficient to get through the rest of the day.
NYCer says
When we were in the office, I used to do barre class for 45 min at lunch time twice per week that would qualify as non-sweaty (at least non-sweaty for me).
rakma says
If I were a SAHM, my house would not be clean and peaceful everyday, I would not be a calm and present parent, and I’d still probably hate cooking dinner. Knowing that about myself is enough to remind me that what works for other people does not work for me.
I also found things got easier schedule wise once my kids hit full time school age. This is not everyone’s experience.
I don’t have designated ‘me time’ because what DH and I need week to week varies. Our kids go to bed pretty early, so I use after bedtime to prep for the next day, exercise and read/do hobbies. I don’t always do all of those things every night, but I can usually manage most things most nights.
Anonymous says
Definitely not everyone’s experience. I loved being a working mom until my kid started elementary school.
Anonymous says
The only advantages I can see to a two-income household are financial, and the disadvantages for both spouses are many. If I were a SAHM all the chores would be done during the week and my husband and I would both get to relax all weekend instead of dividing and only half-conquering the household work. Our home would always be perfectly clean, neat, and well maintained, we’d always be ready for guests at the drop of a hat, and my husband wouldn’t be able to complain that we don’t entertain often enough. If I hadn’t wasted all that money on law school and child care and had just become a SAHM, we’d have come out about even financially. If I weren’t WFH right now, our house wouldn’t be too small. If I were a SAHM, our kid would be 1,000 times happier and I would be 1,000,000 times less stressed. The only real reasons for me to work are a little bit of financial security in case something happens to my husband’s income and to prevent my husband from resenting me for not contributing financially. Maybe if we hired a nanny and a cleaning service life would be better, but that would eat up even more of my salary.
Spirograph says
I disagree that the only advantage is financial. I believe my marriage is much better for the fact that DH and I both have careers and contribute relatively equally to household income. Being able to relate to each other on the career-parenting juggle, on the daily office/boss frustrations, etc, gives us a way to connect that we wouldn’t have if we were talking past each other about “domestic engineering” vs office politics. My kids think it’s normal for both mom and dad to work, for both mom and dad to clean and cook dinner, etc, and that’s worth the added stress of juggling, to me. I have a fair amount of dedicated me time, now, but this wasn’t always the case when my kids were babies. Everything has a season.
To your point, though the financial advantage is significant. I outsource a lot, and am glad to have the money to throw at cleaning, yardwork, etc rather than needing to spend my own time and energy on it constantly. The thing I can’t outsource, or at least feel bad about outsourcing, is being present for my kids at various activities. That didn’t become an issue until elementary years, and I’m still learning to navigate it.
This calculus is different for everyone, though. I’ve had bad moths where I felt many of the things you say above. It always passed, but if you feel this way consistently, maybe a change is right for you.
Anonymous says
The financial advantages for me are just not that great. Most of my salary goes to child care and paying off law school. I could have made more money if I’d gone into biglaw, but I couldn’t live that way. So why am I bothering with this nonsense at all, except to keep my husband from being resentful? I think you would have to be earning six figures before you even broke even as a working mom with student loans and child care expenses.
Anonymous says
Oh, and my law school loans are very small compared with most.
So Anon says
The period of time during which you are paying a huge portion of your salary is relatively limited compared to the overall length of your career. Assume your kids are 4 years apart, you will be paying for full time childcare for about 9-10 years with 1-2 years of paying for two kids with full time care. If your career is 30-40 years, then it is 1/4 of your career that you are paying for a large amount of childcare. I would also argue that it isn’t a 1 for 1 reduction from your salary, but should also be viewed as coming out of your partner’s income as well. If you were to step out of the workforce entirely for that 10 year stretch, it is difficult to pick back up with that career and you will lose a large portion of income during your prime earning years. If you take the longer view, then staying in the workforce is absolutely worth it. (And this doesn’t even take into account the underlying assumption that you and your spouse will be healthy and married for the entirety of your career.)
Spirograph says
Yes, like I said, calculus for everyone is different. I make plenty of money for it to be worth it for me. It was close for a bit when baby #2 was born, but sticking it out — albeit with a reduction to 80% for a year to keep me from completely burning out — set me up for my current job. White-knuckling through rough spots protected future earning potential, and I truly believe I would be less-happy as a SAHM right now.
I think a lot of this might be regional, too. Dual income families are incredibly common in my area, so I have lots of friends to relate to and don’t frequently encounter the grass being greener for SAHMs with lunch and coffee dates and clean, company-ready houses.
Anon says
what if your husband feels the way you do and he wants to be a SAHD? also- at some point you will stop having student loans? if you are the anon from above then perhaps if you can make room in your budget you should hire a cleaner
Anonymous says
By the time we are done paying for college, I will have 15 years left in my career. Until then, all the money I bring in goes to law school, child care, and college tuition. If I didn’t work, our EFC would be much lower and we wouldn’t have to pay much of anything for college. So out of a 35-year career I actually get to see the salary from 15 years of it.
And however you want to view it, all of this comes out of my salary because we wouldn’t have to pay for it if I didn’t have law school loans and a job. My husband gets to work whether I stay home and take care of the kids or put them in day care. We only put them in day care because I have a job. If I didn’t work, we’d get need-based aid for college. Etc.
Anon says
i actually think being a SAHM with kids not in school seems so so so hard. when i spend a day with my 3 year old twins i don’t really have time to do chores (especially now that they’ve stopped napping) bc the second they are playing independently one needs to go potty, etc. ask me again in 3 years when they are in elementary school, but right now i’d rather work
Anon says
Totally agree. I find it very difficult to do chores on the weekend when I’m home with my daughter and my husband is working — not sure how being in that situation the whole week would make it easier.
Pogo says
This. Once they’re in school – I mean, duh. They’re gone 6 hours a day and you’re not working. So you’d have SO much time. But I do not want to be home with a 1 year old and 4 year old, thankyouverymuch. You have the opposite of free time.
RR says
There are, of course. Money, personal identity (if yours comes from career). And there comes a point when your kids think you are really awesome because of what you do. And if nothing else, they see a working mom modeled. My kids know that our house is really different from that of a lot of their classmates, and they’ve generally always seen it as a good/cool thing. Dad does all the cooking, meal planning, and grocery shopping in our house. Both parents work. They know Mom makes more money.
But the pros and cons for you personally are really all that matters.
anonM says
How old are your kid(s)? I hope there are advantages to two FT working parents. My work is not very conducive to part-time work, or I’d probably do that. But I like to think part of why I’m doing this is because I don’t want my daughter to go through tons of schooling and then feel like she HAS to quit because of the demands on working moms. A few thoughts/suggestions on “me” time. If you have a partner (that is active in parenting/willing), it helps to do concrete trade-offs. Some weekends we trade off – one gets up early with the kids while the other sleeps in, but then the early-riser gets a nap. I also find that if we split nighttime duties — one does baths/pjs, the other does kitchen cleanup, then I have more quiet time after the kids go to bed, rather than spending my energy still cleaning after bedtime. I did buy a spin bike to exercise at home, which takes way less time than going to the gym, and I’m hoping is more sustainable for me. I’m not as good about friend time, but am trying to put more effort into that. Right now my “book club” has turned into working mom club and I feel very lucky to be able to talk about work and parenting with them — even if we only actually get together once every other month or so. I also do my best to avoid too much on the schedule — we don’t do swim classes or anything like that yet (1.5 and 3.5) because their daycare is already structured enough. On weeks DH travels and I’m doing it solo, I really stick to a routine to the point it’s boring but at least I have time in the pm to relax. We basically don’t do anything after daycare hours besides hang out at the house and do easy easy meals.
So Anon says
Sorry to be the dark cloud – but one of the reasons to continue to work is that you don’t know what the future holds. I have been divorced for two years, and I am so grateful that I continued my career. Having the ability to support myself and my kids allowed me to walk away from a bad marriage without having to worry about keeping a roof over our heads and insurance for us. Child support/alimony is by no means guaranteed. My ex left his lucrative career to work an hourly wage that is not above the federal poverty line for a family of four. I support the three of us on my own. Also, a few years ago, I would have scoffed at the idea that I would be divorced. It was both a slow burn and then a sudden event that ended the marriage.
Anonymous says
Yeah, that is just about the only reason I keep slogging away.
anon says
This is a legitimate reason, and I’m not sure why it’s so taboo to discuss. I’m seeing this semi-firsthand after my BFF’s marriage blew up spectacularly about a month ago. Nobody, including her, saw that coming. Thank goodness she has an income of her own.
Pogo says
I’ve posted before but there is a widow in my local moms group who is struggling so so much from not having a career and having very little financial literacy. It is the saddest thing, and it’s morbid but I keep working because in addition to enjoying my career I don’t want to be totally SOL if something happens with my husband or marriage.
anon says
YUP. Also a good reminder to make sure you have great life insurance.
Clementine says
Yep. This is why I work. I have a great marriage, but I remember how hard it was when my parents got divorced right when my mom had decided to go back to school. She figured it out but I also see that she’s 65 and even being frugal and smart and a good career, she still has major worries about retirement.
Anon says
And it’s not just divorces / bad marriages – what about sudden illnesses? Disability? Drug addition? Hell, even an unexpected job loss? One working parent leaves the family pretty vulnerable. Having to deal with the trauma and grief over (death, disability) etc. while ALSO trying to re-enter the workforce with a blank or outdate resume, plus do all of the parenting – no thanks. It’s hard with two working parents, but I watched how much my mom struggled through a bad marriage when dad became disabled and then an alcoholic to ever make myself that dependent upon another person.
Anon says
Agree there are benefits to keeping both careers active, but some of this can be mitigated by proper life/long-term care insurance
anon says
You’re modeling for your kids that it’s not just Mom’s job to keep the household chugging along. Does that matter to a 3-year-old? No. But I sure am glad that my tween son is seeing very clearly that men have to contribute, too.
For a number of reasons unique to us, it would be very, very bad for our marital dynamic if one of us stayed at home.
Anonymous says
I don’t like the “modeling for the kids” argument. The cost to my sanity of that modeling is awfully high.
Anon says
Yah, I see the point about modeling that women can do anything, etc, but I’m currently a SAHM and my husband is a nearly-equal partner in running the house. I do the bulk of chores, logistics, etc while he’s at work – but honestly, having three kids means most of that time is spent on active childcare – but when he’s home we split the work. He cooks dinner and cleans up most nights.
Anonymous says
Just FYI my husband is a stay at home parent during the summer at this life stage (teacher and with tiny kids/covid is not working camps due in the summer). It’s absolutely not all calm and peace. There is so much screaming and fussing. He’s an emotional wreck by the end of the day. He is someone who needs to work for his own emotional health. Ymmv but that might apply to you too. It’s nice to get some chores and errands done but it’s not worth it for us for longer than a couple months at a time.
Anon says
Get ready for my not-popular opinions here:
Many women are not cut out to be SAHMs. Some love it! Others get bored, and when they get bored, make people’s lives miserable. What do you do when you are intellectually bored? That’s going to be your life as a SAHM.
Life isn’t perfect. Your husband could commit adultery, walk out, get laid off, fail to get promoted, be in a field that gets outsourced to India in ten years, or die of cancer. I know SAHMs, late 30s, whose husbands have died, and they have to figure out how to develop a career with almost zero work experience.
Retirement is tough. While it seems like there is “enough” money, unless your husband is rolling in dough, you’ll have a hard time affording college and retirement on one income.
Your social circle might become really narrow. I think a lot of women struggle with the SAHM circles and end up really missing having relationships, if even just work friends, with a variety of groups.
Anonymous says
My job is intellectually boring now that I am too experienced to do the actual work for which I was educated and have to be a manager. I’d rather be a bored housewife than a bored and stressed manager.
anonM says
Anonymous, I think you have your answer. If you’re OP, I think you mentioned education. I’d talk to local parents where you could afford to be a SAHM and see what they say about the schools. The “good school” trope is often coded racism/classism/etc., and the schools labeled “bad” are often just working class. My husband and I both went to a “bad” public school and it was truly a very supportive and overall great place.
(Check out the Nice White Parents podcast – eye-opening!) Maybe you can find a more affordable area with a still good school and then step back from your job.
Anon says
+1 I would absolutely not sacrifice my sanity and family’s wellbeing on the altar of “the best” education. In fact, we live in a public school district that has a “reputation” (mainly because it is 80% non-white) and we LOVE our teachers and schools. Kids with involved parents can thrive anywhere
AwayEmily says
Yeah, the phrase “good school” sends up giant red flags for me, too. I think if your kid has a known issue, and a particular school district is good for that issue (e.g. there is a school district around here known for handling IEPs really well), then it may make sense to make choices based on that. But just “test scores” or whatever is almost always nothing but a proxy for race/class. Kids succeed academically because of parents, not schools. FWIW my kids’ elementary school is “ranked” 1,950th out of 2400 elementary schools in our state. It is not a “good school” by these ridiculous rankings, but our experience so far has been wonderful.
Anonymous says
This comes across as very smug. I can tell you from firsthand experience that it is detrimental to any child’s education to attend a school with discipline problems and violence and kids working below grade level. We praise nonwhite parents for getting their kids out of these schools, so why do we vilify white parents for wanting to do the same?
I agree on special programs. Our suburban district is fantastic for average kids and special needs, but does a terrible job of serving gifted learners. There is no differentiation and they teach the same math in fifth grade that I learned in second grade in a Title 1 school.
EDAnon says
There is a huge gap between “not a good school” based on test scores and discipline problems and violence. I went to a not good school that was not violent or dangerous. The two things are not synonymous.
Anonymous says
I think your friend is anomaly or lying to you lol. I’ve written about this here a lot. I had a good career and left to be a SAHM 3 years ago. DH works a “big job” and is away 6am-5:30pm everyday. Works weekends at least once a month. Still read this board. My kids are 2 and 4.5. The older one is in morning preschool during the school year. I am with my kids ALL the time. The only “me time” I get is 1-2 night time meet up with friends a month. I do get laundry done during the week. Our meals are healthyish but not fancy because I have a 2 and 4.5yo to watch. I do not get a lot of cleaning done during the week because…shocker…I’m doing childcare! Which means not ignoring my kids while I clean. It’s like when my mom suggested I could start day trading because I don’t work. I do work! I’m watching and entertaining and feeding and cleaning up after kids.
The only friend I have that is who you described has a nanny :) so yeah the nanny watches the kids in the afternoon while she works out and cooks fancy meals.
All that being said I love the adventures I go on with my kids. We spend a ton of time outside and explore a lot of fun places. But I’m busy doing that…not meeting up with friends or having a perfectly clean house or cooking gourmet meals.
Anonymous says
My SAHM friends all have older kids now, and they definitely have time to get things done and work out and read novels while their kids are at school.
Anonymous says
That’s great for them! But many SAHPs are also helping take care of elderly parents or fill their days with volunteering (which our society has a need for). We will be homeschooling…so I won’t get the elementary school break but that’s ok. Alone time isn’t everything. And DH and I find alone time when we truly need
EDAnon says
Why don’t you reassess when your kids are older then? It gives you more time to figure out the right arrangement for your family. You will have paid off more of your loans. You can figure out what you want to save for college. Look up the FAFSA rules for income and assets and figure out what you will have if you leave the workplace in 5-7 years from now.
But also, you sound super unhappy in your job. I love my job. I help people and help my community. I also make good pay. My husband was a lower paid attorney and was unhappy about it. He also didn’t want to manage people. He went and got another attorney job that pays more. He left government for in-house.
Pogo says
Yeah, that’s what I said above – once they’re in school, sure, I get how you’d have time to get stuff done during the day and free time. But under school age, where is this magical free time? Especially when you have a baby napping and an older toddler or preschooler NOT napping (so it’s not like you can just let them free range on the playground for hours).
Anonymous says
What does a typical day look like for you? My kids are 3, 6 and 8 and a couple of solo days with the older two just so different than a day with all 3 or even just the 3 year old.
If they get home at regular times, could you put them in aftercare or get a neighbor kid to come hang with them? Can you assign your older one to make dinner? My 8 year old made a full hot breakfast for me this weekend, and cleaned up after. It was a parental milestone.
Do you have neighborhood friends you can send them off to for a bit? Could you schedule a fun activity for the three of you (local attraction daytrip? In my house my kids would LOVE to go to an amusement park or sporting event over the weekend), and/or arrange a playdate for one of the kids? If your kids have low maintenance friends, what about having a kid over to entertain your kid(s)? My oldest (8) and our neighbor friend (9) spent 6 hours together yesterday between our house and theirs, outside, and only came to bother me for food.
If you are overwhelmed with activity pickup/dropoffs, do you have/ can you find other families to carpool with? Each of my kids has a couple of friends in each activity that I could bum a ride off of in a solo parenting situation.
As my kids have gotten older, I’ve worked to find activities we all like together: trips to the beach to sit and veg and read, go to a local museum, hiking, biking, that sort of thing. Absent the kids, what would you want to do with your time? Can you include them?
Anon says
For those of you who had a tubal ligation during your c section, did that change recovery? If so, any tips? My doctor has been strangely silent on this and I want to make sure I know what to expect!
RR says
No, it didn’t. I had a c-section with my twins, and a c-section with tubal with my third. No difference in recovery. Just an extra 10 minutes at the end of the c-section.
OP says
Thanks! Good to know!
Anon says
do your kids own rain boots and rain coats and if so, when do they wear them? (i’m writing from rainy houston) but since my kids go from the car at home into school, i’m wondering if these are necessary/useful? can you wear a rain coat with a car seat? like i feel like if it is rainy enough to warrant that type of clothing we wouldn’t be walking outside? i can see how they make total sense if you live in more of a walking city
Anonymous says
If it’s really raining and not just drizzling, raincoats are necessary even to run from the car into the school. Rainboots are not necessary unless you are really walking around in the rain.
anon says
are raincoats carseat safe?
Ashley says
Depends on the coat. Look up the carseat coat test (probably not the right name). The idea is to buckle in with the coat on. Then unbuckle and slide kid out without adjusting the straps. Remove coat, then buckle back in (with straps at same tightness as before). If the straps are tight enough, the coat is safe. If they’re too loose, not safe.
Anonymous says
My kids wear them to school and preschool on rainy days. They go outside at recess, wait for the bus, etc.
Anonymous says
I live in Portland so yes my kids have rain boots. (My husband growing up in the NE did not.). They wear rain boots a lot of the time outside from October-June, since it rains most days and there are a lot of puddles and mud. They still wear sneakers of course to play outside, but it’s nice to have boots too. My elementary kid does bring them to school because they play on muddy fields a lot (school requests boots). Preschooler just wears at home since that play area is covered. Raincoats if they are true raincoats (thin) should be car seat safe. We tend to just wear waterproof winter jackets since usually it only rains here if it’s also pretty chilly (get thin-ish winter jackets with zip in fleece liners, don’t use the fleece liner if it’s not that cold). We get a lot of drizzle obviously so you need something waterproof to wear outside. Under 4 I recommend a rain suit.
Anon Lawyer says
Also in Portland. Do you buy the Tuffo rainsuits? I was trying to decide whether they were worth it for my almost 2-year-old and if I could get away with buying a size 3T and hoping it lasts for 2 years . . . . (I scored on some used Boggs at a consignment store so I’m feeling pleased about that.)
Anonymous says
We used a Columbia one in first 24 mo then 3T size.
Anonymous says
And now I’m trying to figure out if I know you :)
Anon Lawyer says
I got her a Columbia one last year and it was good so maybe I should just get another one.
And probably, since Portland is a small town! I grew up here, moved back about 3 years ago, work remotely for a law firm in D.C., and live in N. Portland for what that’s worth. :-)
Anon says
Yep, we have a full rainsuit and boots. We play outside in all weather (barring thunder/lightning/hail). Playing in the rain is fun! I don’t send my kid to school in them, though. An umbrella works fine for the short walk from car to door. There are outdoor schools here where they do kit their kids out in all weather gear but those all seem to be for stay at home parents or people with nannies.
Anonymous says
This. Super confused by the notion that people don’t go outside because it is raining.
Cb says
We live in Scotland so we have raincoats and waterproof trousers. My kiddo goes to a forest school type setting though so is out in all weather. He should have wellies but he HATES wearing them so I haven’t bought the next size up and just deal with soggy sneakers.