With my oldest, I was rocking prenatal yoga and spin up until I went into labor. With my youngest, I felt like I was growing a fidgety bowling ball — I needed to take a nap after walking to the mailbox.
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I’d love for Belly Bandit to make these leggings in colors beyond black.
These Maternity Bump Support Leggings are $59.95 and available in S–XL.
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Leatty says
My 4 year old has decided she does not want to go to daycare. Every single morning, she tells us she doesn’t want to go to school, refuses to get ready, and frequently has a meltdown. We’ve tried to redirect, remind her that she has to go to school but that she will have a great time with her friends, etc. I’m tired of having the same battle every morning. She’s also a very spirited and opinionated child (like her mother!). Any words of wisdom?
Cb says
Oh that is so, so hard. Is there a new kid who might be pestering her? Is she fine once she’s there? We had a new kid at nursery who was having a really tough time settling in, lots of hitting and shoving. Every Tuesday AM we heard “I don’t want to go, I have a belly ache….” and it took us awhile to realise the pattern of this kid’s attendance and nursery complaints. Once he settled in, the complaints about nursery stopped.
Leatt says
I guess that’s possible since there are some new kids who have moved into her class. When I’ve asked why she doesn’t want to go to school, she doesn’t have a clear and consistent answer (I don’t want to take a nap, I want to stay home with you forever, etc.) I’ll try again.
EDAnon says
My son (also 4) really struggled when they moved new (younger) kids into his room. They needed more attention from the teachers and messed with routines and it was hard! Time has fixed it. He’s been awesome about going recently but it took a month or more for him to be comfortable.
He is also struggling with one kid his age (not a new kid) but we try to give him strategies for working through that and let him work through it.
Anon says
Is there something in particular that she is bringing up that she doesn’t want to do?
Assuming you’ve done all the ‘normal’ stuff, one thing that you could do is let your kid stay home and truly be bored out of their mind. We tell our kid we don’t ‘charge’ the TV or anything during the day when we’re not going to be home, so there’s no TV or tablet. Pick a rainy day so there’s no outdoor time. If you can spend a lot of time waiting in lines and just… doing the most boring chores you can imagine….
Basically, if there’s no reason that kid doesn’t want to school other than ‘home is more fun’! Try to make home as boring as possible on weekdays.
Anonanonanon says
HAHHAHAHA “we don’t charge the TV” is something I would try to pull. Love it.
Cb says
Haha! I had my son convinced that I didn’t know how to work the TV for ages, so we could only watch TV when daddy was home. Now I tell him that annoying shows (Peppa, etc) don’t work on our TV.
Bean74 says
I told my son Paw Patrol and Mickey’s Playhouse only work on his Grammy’s tv!
Anon says
‘We don’t get that channel’ Also: ‘They don’t make batteries for that toy anymore’. or (what my parents did, ‘Batteries are VERY expensive’.
Anonymous says
We actually refused to subscribe to cable for a long time, in part so we could say that the only channel we got was PBS.
Leatty says
I need to try that!
AwayEmily says
I do a straight-up “No, I don’t like that show, we can’t watch it.” I figure if they get veto power over shows then so do I.
Anon says
I see the appeal…but the only reason to lie to a kid about electronics is because you aren’t comfortable setting and holding a boundary. Just tell the truth – we don’t watch TV on weekdays, I don’t like that show and we aren’t watching it in our house, etc. Let them be mad. At some point they will test – my three year can work a remote and find that we do, in fact, get that channel – and figure out you are lying.
Anonymous says
Ugh. Sympathies. In our house, it’s not helped by DH saying “I hate that you have to go to daycare.” [DUDE: then make enough $ that I can quit my job or do something vs complain about the situation.]
I think kiddo thinks that if she didn’t go to daycare, it would be 24/7 TV and snacks. But I would be fast to fire a nanny who operated like that (but kiddo doesn’t appreciate that at all; a legit nanny would not be like fun sitters who just make sure that you are kept safe on their watch vs someone designed to actually be a parental substitute in rearing you vs just keeping you alive).
Anonymous says
Spitballing, but here are some things that have worked for us:
– respond with: “I know!! I don’t want to go to work, either. How about you go to work and I go to school and do [favorite thing]. Yeah that sounds good. I’m glad I packed you [delicious lunch item] because I’ll have that for lunch. You can stay home and [boring HH per she hates].”
– tell her when I have to do something I don’t want to do, sometimes we dance it off. I got us out of a mega meltdown by saying “I don’t want to work today!!!!” Then playing “I didn’t want to work” super loud on repeat a few times and we danced around until she felt better.
– if this is an option, we carpooled for a bit when it got REALLY bad. We live near daycare so another family swung by and grabbed DD. Somehow getting in their car (we joked that it was the bus) was fine, and getting out of their car into daycare was fine. I took all the kids home at the end of the day and dropped the other family.
been there done that says
I have a 3.5 year old. We went thru this too. Recently changed schools so she is all excited about the new school at the moment. I empathize (I understand you don’t want to go), and then usually what works on the most difficult days is a reward: after school you can (1) have a popsicle; (2) get ice cream; (3) go to the playground; (4) etc. And then you have to follow through or this won’t work anymore. I have to think if I’m making a promise I can’t keep (playground on a day its 95 degrees, etc).
Also I would try to talk about school at a quiet time i.e not right before or after school. I will ask my daughter in the bath about stuff. She ended telling me about a kid who was bad and pushed her (actually the kid pushed her BFF, but the incident upset her). But be warned that while there might be a “reason” a lot of toddler reasons aren’t rational (understatement of the year).
Finally, I started asking my daughter what was your favorite thing you did today? on school days. She will say coloring or painting or they went on a walk or something. I think this helps to focus on the positive.
Anon says
Agree with this, about asking during a quiet time. In the car, bath, or during bedtime seems to be effective for us.
Anonymous says
Granting the wish in fantasy is one of the big recommendations from “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen.” “Oh, yes, wouldn’t it be fun to stay at home all day? I wish I didn’t have to go to work and you didn’t have to go to school.”
Pogo says
We do your #1. Kiddo is always super happy once he gets there, but he thinks “mommy and daddy days” (Weekends) are just better. We agree! So we talk about what fun stuff we will do NEXT weekend, what fun stuff he just did that he can tell his friends about, what he is going to do at school (ours provides a curriculum so we can tell him what to expect), who he is going to see at school, etc.
We also commiserate but state it like, “we have to work, and you have to go to school” because that is how it is. Talk about who is going to pick him up and what they can do when they get home.
Waffles says
No words of wisdom, just commiseration.
My kid picks a fight over something random and ridiculous every morning before camp (e.g., I saw her outfit and she wanted to surprise me, I straightened her pant leg and she didn’t want me to, she doesn’t want to use hand sanitizer before entering the building, etc.). There are often tears, and the day starts off on the wrong foot for both of us. Then, she has a great day at camp. Rinse, lather, and repeat.
Hoping that it’s just a phase and not becoming a habit…
katy says
my nearly 4 year old has been like this for ages. It starts the day off on the wrong foot. Thank you to others for the advice.
I know that he likes school / camp (he is there all day). He is cherful during the day. He usually has a “best thing” of the day. But yeah – you are not alone and it sucks.
So Anon says
My daughter does this when she has big feelings that she can’t nail down. It is her way of discharging those feelings. She will pick a fight with me over something bizarre (to me anyway). I’ve learned that if I can realize what is going on, I can stop the weird fight over her socks not being the right shade of purple by asking if she needs a snuggle.
Anon says
I think this is sort of normal? At least my 3.5 year old has always loved school but recently has started asking to stay home with us and/or grandparents. I think she just didn’t really process that it was an option before. She’s happy once she gets to school and we’re confident nothing “bad” is happening at school, so we pretty much just sympathize and talk about good things she might do at school, and power through it.
FVNC says
No advice, just more commiseration…I’m so glad you posted this, because for the past couple weeks my previously delightful four year old has turned into a whiny, tantrum-y, disaster. Not wanting to go to daycare is the latest source of arguments and defiance, and it just makes the morning so much worse than it has to be. When you’ve spent the morning arguing with a 4 yr old (or ignoring a crying 4 yr old) and then have 8-10 hours of work ahead, but day just feels exhausting. (And his school is marvelous…this is definitely not a school issue!) Good luck, and I hope for all our sakes, this is a short phase.
Cb says
Play date etiquette? I have a 4 year old, with a 5 year old bestie. They play really nicely together so we don’t generally intervene – I work in the dining room, my husband works upstairs so we’re in earshot wherever they are but are mostly here to provide lunch and snacks. They were playing a game where one of the robots said “Shut up, shut up!” It’s not something we say in this house so I asked him to say “be quiet, be quiet” instead. I do also prompt please and thank yous, but am I a mean mom?
Anonymous says
Wait, this whole question is just “is it ok to tell a kid visitor not to say shut up”? Yes. Of course.
Cb says
Ha, you’re absolutely right! I’m stressed about something else and overthinking social interactions :)
Anonanonanon says
No, I think that’s fine. “Shut up” is something that will actually get your kid in trouble in school most likely at this age, so I think that’s reasonable.
Whether I prompt a please or thank you depends on how well I know the kid, how old they are, and how rude they are, and if I care if they think I’m nice. For example, if a kid said “can I have some water?” I probably wouldn’t prompt a please but if they said “give me a water” I might go there. I do make a big deal of complimenting pleases and thank yous and telling their parents about it in front of them if they used good manners.
AwayEmily says
I wouldn’t intervene in that case. I might discuss it later with my own kid to see if he had any questions (“do you remember when your friend said ‘Shut up?’ That’s not something we say in our families, but different families have different rules”). That being said I am generally on the very low end of the intervention spectrum compared to other parents I’ve seen (and definitely compared to my husband), and I only intervene if someone is being physically or verbally hurt. But I’m never annoyed if someone else intervenes with my kid (e.g. to tell her to say “please”) — just like I tell my kid, different families have different rules, and playdates are great ways for us all (including me) to get comfortable with that.
Anonymous says
I would (have have) piped up, saying “hey, guys, use kind words” from another room, which is how I would have dealt with it if it were two of my kids vs a kid and a playdate.
AnotherAnon says
I’m going to gently push back on this. Maybe this kid has older siblings and/or “shut up” is fine to say in his house. I have no problem with the adult in the house kindly saying “we don’t say ‘shut up’ in this house.” I think it’s the adult’s job to point out social norms in a new environment. You certainly can’t expect that of the four year old. I’d argue it’s a little unfair to the four year old for you not to correct his friend. That send the subtle message to your child that “the rules only apply to you: other kids can do whatever they want in our house.” I understand if you feel differently but this is what I’d expect from my parent friends when I’m not around (we’ve talked about it).
anon says
My LO has been using bad swear words (like, not just “shut up”) and really testing us on this. If you were watching him, I’d appreciate you correcting him — so long as you didn’t totally throw a fit and make it worse by giving him tons of negative attention for it. A simple redirection like giving them another phrase is good.
Pogo says
I err on the side of correcting other kids in general, so this would not bother me. It also doesn’t bother me when other people correct my kid on the playground or something. I do it more if it’s like, our goddaughter who I know really well and whose parents we are super close with, but if a rando knocked my kid out of the way on the slide I’d still say something (“Let’s take turns and keep hands to ourself!”)
Spirograph says
Thank you! It drives me insane when parents on a playground hovering over their toddler start loudly, passive-aggressively narrating to their kid about how these big kids are doing xyz and their mom should be doing abc to stop it instead of just saying something directly to my kids in the moment. (Always some normal kid on a playground thing which would not be at all problematic if there weren’t an unsteady toddler nearby.
Not like, beating each other with sticks or something.) You’re the grown up. Be the grown up. IMO, it’s always ok to enforce rules in your own house, or to gently correct behaviors that are not appropriate to the situation.
Anonymous says
I hate the playground dynamics so much. Lately with my little nephew the issue has been his wanting to play with other kids. He runs right up to them and asks if they want to play, they say “yes, I am playing XYZ,” he says “I don’t want to play XYZ, let’s play ABC.” It seems odd and bossy, and sometimes I think it drives the parents to take their kids home sooner than they otherwise would. My own kids were never that pushy so I don’t know how to handle him. Mine would just kind of nicely join in another kid’s game if invited but would not force the issue or change the game right away. His mom is no help, as she is one of those who dumps her exhausting high-energy kid on others whenever possible.
Anonymous says
I don’t think what he’s doing is that terrible or unusual, especially if you’re talking about little kids. He’ll learn that if he’s pushy other kids won’t want to play with him, which seems like a natural consequence. My 4 year old is like this and I don’t think I’m a bad mom. ?♀️ The only way to teach some kids is for them to suffer the consequences and make up their own mind to behave differently.
Anonymous says
This is definitely not a parent-should-intervene situation. Either they’ll play with him or they won’t, nbd.
Anonymous says
So, my friend brought her daughter to a party I hosted last week. She’s 4, it started at 8pm, her child was not named on the invite. Do I really have to start writing “no kids” on an invitation? It feels so rude I’ve always been taught you positively invite people you want not spell out people you don’t. Plus I’m pretty sure she knew I didn’t want kids but just didn’t want to pay a sitter. Which I’m totally fine with, but then please don’t come! No one else brought kids, hers was exhausted and sleeping in the middle of the room, and it really was not the vibe I was going for.
Anonymous says
I would just specify with this one friend next time. Nobody else seemed to get the idea that kids were invited. Did she say anything? Did you say anything when she showed up? “Oh, I wasn’t expecting kids. Let me see if I can find a movie for her to watch/something for her to eat.”
It’d be one thing if she showed up with an apologetic “I’m so sorry, the babysitter cancelled” (but…clearly should have texted in advance to feel out the situation) but another entirely to just roll up.
Anonymous says
Thanks, in my annoyance I hadn’t considered just telling her! She kinda said “oh hope it’s ok she’s here she was so excited” and with the kid standing right there of course I made her welcome. Tiny apartment so no room to put her in to watch a movie.
Spirograph says
I’m 95% sure your friend noticed that she’d misjudged on this, unless she’s really obtuse. I doubt you’ll need to specify in the future, but the way GCA worded it below so that you sound sympathetic rather than annoyed would be a good approach.
GCA says
Honestly, this sounds most unfair to the poor tired kid. It seems like common sense to not bring children to a party that starts at 8pm. So: “Sarah, your poor kid was so tired at my house the other night! I love hanging out with you, but you should’ve just let me know and I would’ve met up with the two of you one afternoon for ice cream [or some other more kid-friendly outing]. You don’t have to bring (kid) to a late-night shindig.” (Subtext: please don’t bring your kid to my late-night shindig, it is not pleasant for the child or for other guests.)
Anonymous says
Yes, this. OP, do you and most of the other guests have young kids, or is this the one person in the friend group with a preschooler? I tend to assume family invites if they’re coming from friends with kids (and I can’t remember the last time I was invited to a nighttime, adult-only party), and I would never try to take a 4 year old anywhere at 8pm anyway because IME 4 year olds are not reliably pleasant to be around at that time.
If you don’t have kids, she certainly should have asked, and you shouldn’t need to specify no-kids on the invite, but I agree that you should probably clarify for her in the future.
Anonymous says
No kids for me (yet, fingers crossed), a little under half the guests have kids.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree that to me, it’s pretty common sense that an 8pm party = adults only. Unless maybe you have teenagers, but definitely not little kids.
Pogo says
1000%
Anon says
Eh, my kid would be delighted to stay up way best her bedtime to go to a party. Even if she eventually passed out mid party it would still be a highlight she’d be talking about weeks later.
To be clear, I absolutely agree an 8 pm party is adults only and I would not bring my child because it is rude to the host and other guests. But I’m not sure “oh your poor kid!” is the best way to address this because she might not feel like it was bad for her kid.
Anonanonanon says
I honestly have no advice on how to address this because I can’t think of how best to do it, but I do want to affirm that you are not wrong, it was a yikes move. I’d call her individually next time and say “hey, I’m letting everyone with kids know that because of the size of the apartment this is a strictly no kids event. I totally understand if you can’t make it with that in mind!”
Anonymous says
OMFG — I would never have brought a 4YO to a party uninvited (and one staring at 8 would be a disaster). What in the world? I get that a sitter can cancel, but at that point, I’d have stayed home or traded off with a spouse for a brief pop-in.
Anon says
Please help me with my strong willed (though probably totally developmentally normal) 5.5 year old. We’ve always had issues with her listening when we ask her to do something, though mostly in the past it’s been more of an issue of her being distracted or engrossed in something else so it was more a case of needing to get her attention. Now she is deliberately not listening when we ask her to do something and the old tactics are just not working (getting down on her level, touching her shoulder, and yes, yelling or losing our tempers). This seems to not be an issue at school, she is regularly praised as being a “first time listener” by her teachers, so we’re thankful for that. At this point we just need new strategies so we aren’t always losing our tempers or things don’t end up in total meltdowns. And we are thinking about the long term, too. How do we address this now so it doesn’t get worse? Thanks for any advice!
anon says
Logical consequences. Give her a warning of what will happen if she doesn’t cooperate. For example, if she won’t put on her PJs, you won’t have time to read her stories before bed. Make sure it’s always a consequence you’ll implement.
(As an alternative, you can shrug and say that she can sleep in her clothes if she chooses. Let her know that she’ll be the one who is uncomfortable all night. Choose your battles.)
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I posted here last week about dropping to 1 pumping session/day and only nursing at wake up and bedtime. It’s only been ONE DAY…and OMG. I feel so much lighter. The real test will be today at the office but knowing I only need to pump once feels so great. Thank y’all for the advice!
Also, DS #2 had a blowout – possibly loose motion – this AM, he was otherwise fine so I think it was too much avocado at dinner (he’s 7 months). I let his teacher know but please send me good vibes, I just need a week where we’re not doing early pick-up and/or going to the ped…
Pogo says
I missed the discussion but I also might drop down to 1 pump. I have a weird emotional attachment to pumping for this kiddo though, I think maybe I feel guilty that I’m generally spending so much less time w/ him than my first?
but omg +1000 to “week where we’re not doing early pick up or going to the ped”. It seriously seems like there is SOMETHING every week.
Anonymous says
Has anyone here thrown a 50th anniversary party for their parents? My parents’ 50th is in two years, so I’m starting to think about it. I guess I’m just curious about a general overview of the party. Time of day, kind of food, number of people, etc. Thanks!
Anonymous says
Is this a surprise or not? If not, ask your parents. My grandparents wanted a fancy catered evening event for around 60 people. Other couples might want a more casual afternoon get-together. No matter what, get it on people’s calendars early and take advantage of the opportunity to make it a family reunion.
OP says
I almost feel like it has to be a surprise otherwise they’d tell us that it is too much money/trouble and not to worry about it. But I know they’d love it. But many of the close friends and family are now spread out as people have retired and all. I have a feeling a lot of them would come, especially with notice, but with traveling so far I feel like I’d have to do a really good job of feeding people and giving them beverages. So cost is a factor, but something that is likely doable especially with advance planning.
Anonymous says
Of course they’ll say that! But you just do it anyway. :) Just ask for their guest list and make it happen. You can start from the number of guests. 50+ and you probably want to do an outdoor BBQ, <20 you could rent a room at a restaurant. I wouldn't worry too much about spending a lot to do a great job at food and drinks to justify travel. People will come because they love your parents, or they'll send their regrets. A promise of a good party alone wouldn't get me on a plane, and a promise of a *bad* party wouldn't keep me from celebrating an important milestone with people who are important to me.
Ep-er says
We had a small party for my parents. We rented a private room at a restaurant for a seated dinner. There were maybe 25/30 people there — mostly a family reunion & a few close friends of my parents. We enlarged pictures from their wedding album and put them up on poster boards. There was time to mingle and visit before sitting down. Overall, it was a really time and meaningful to my parents.
Anon says
Okay, so going off the vibe that your parents will need a surprise 50th, I would take a look at your family and see what seems to hit the mark in terms of a ‘nice’ party.
– I would say that you should identify either a big backyard BBQ type event (catered BBQ if you can swing it) or a restaurant meal. I would find a place with a private room – ask around for recommendations in your area and keep your parents’ preferences in mind. If they have a favorite restaurant, I might ask if they could work with you.
– Normally, I would go with 4PM-8PM, but if you have a lot of people who are within a couple hours’ driving distance, it might be good to do it midday as more of a luncheon party.
– One really touching place to spend a little extra is to have a baker recreate your parents’ wedding cake. I was once involved in a stealth ‘steal Grandma’s wedding topper’ event in my younger days (it involved a friend and I breaking into a china cabinet while mom distracted Grandma) and that cake was really what Grandma and Grandpa loved. (Oh, and all their kids and grandkids in one place).
Spirograph says
We had a lovely milestone anniversary party for my grandparents a few years back. They hosted it at their country club (my grandpa was a golf official and had been a member there for ~50 years, so it was basically their second home), but my mom and her siblings helped pay.
It was kind of like a small wedding, and invites went out months in advance because most family needed to travel. Grandparents’ kids and all their families were all there starting in mid-afternoon; we hung out outdoors and a photographer took pictures, plus there were light refreshments. Then dinner buffet dinner and cake. Decorations were fairly minimal, but family photos and albums were out. A few friends showed up for the dinner part, too, and there was one “friend” table at dinner: my grandparents their surviving siblings, and two or three other couples. 30-something people, total, for dinner.
TheElms says
My dad and his siblings did this for my grandparents 50th. It was a huge party and over 100 guests in attendance, with a catered lunch and cake. I think it ran from 11:30am until 6pm or so. There were appetizers, then the lunch, and then a break for dancing and then cake and champagne around 5pm. Basically it was a wedding but without the vows. It was not a surprise and my grandparents did the guest list and said what food they’d like. The siblings did little surprises like arranging for live music, arranging for a huge tent in the garden (so that people could still be outside if the weather was bad), arranging for parking attendants to help park all the cars of all the guests, getting a professional photographer to document it, and helping some of my grandparents older friends who lived far away attend (I think we arranged for a driver to bring one particularly good friend who could no longer drive). My grandparents loved the little surprises — they were things they wouldn’t have wanted to pay for themselves but added to the overall wonderfulness of the party. I was only 8 at the time but I remember how special the whole thing felt and I remember how genuinely happy my grandparents were to have all their friends there. My vote is you do it, but not as a surprise.
anonchicago says
We threw a 100 birthday party for my grandma two years ago (and yes, she’s still around!). It was a surprise, which I think is a bit risky for someone that age, but her daughters thought she wouldn’t go along with a party for herself. That grandma + my deceased grandpa had a 50th anniversary celebration thrown for them a long time ago that followed a similar format, because they wouldn’t agree otherwise.
They rented a banquet hall at a restaurant and had around 80 people, many of whom I’d only met a few times. It started at noon and went into mid-afternoon, with a buffet and cash bar, a few stories told, and a wall of pictures from her life for people to walk through.
Mrs. Jones says
My parents threw their own party, although the actual invitations came from us children. It was basically like a wedding reception: nice venue, bar, catered heavy hors d’oeuvres, cake, flowers, photographer, speeches. They had 100 or so attendees and told most of them to save the date probably a year in advance.
anonamama says
Yes! We did one for my in-laws a few years ago. 3 Siblings split cost for ~50 guest catered party at a ‘American’ style restaurant on their outdoor pavilion. Grandkids and friends/family. Beer/Wine at Bar Only; Ordered boutineer/corsage from florist. Cake from favorite bakery with their topper; each guest was mailed a pretty piece of stationery to write a memory of the couple on and extra paper provided (got a few of these). Parents provided list so it wasn’t a surprise. The next day, one sibling hosted a brunch for family/out of towners with a slideshow. It is such a special milestone and so nice to make a party out of it. Just thinking about it now, it was so lovely. I didn’t get enough credit for organizing most of it. Ah, life of an in-law.
Simone says
We also did a dinner in a private room at a favorite restaurant for my parents. Two things we did during the event that ended up working out well: 1) we had my parents play a version of the “Newly Wed Game” were we’d asked each parent questions in advance and then at the party the other spouse had to guess how they answered. 2) We invited guests in attendance to verbally share a memory or a few words about my parents (someone even had a poem prepared). We let guests know this would be happening in advance so folks could plan out what they wanted to say.
Allie says
I tried and my parents were a firm no on it so definitely ask them what they want!
Anonanonanon says
Because I’m a financial idiot…
Out of curiosity, how do people buy a house when they haven’t sold their house? The norm in our area is that no one accepts contingency offers, but I wouldn’t have a down payment without selling my house… is there some kind of loan people get that covers the down payment that you pay back when you sell your current house?
TheElms says
We saved 10% to buy a new house, then sold the first house, and used the proceeds from the sale to recast our mortgage on the new house. The market was hot like it was now so it was tricky to get an offer accepted with only 10% down, but we only carried both mortgages for 1 month because our original house sold the weekend it went on the market.
The alternative I think is to sell your original house first and then either do a rent back or move to a temporary living situation while waiting to be successful buying a second house.
govtattymom says
We just did this when we moved from a HCOL area to a LCOL area. Our mortgage approval was not contingent upon the sale of our first house. It involved paying two mortgages for a few months and only worked because we rarely spend money on anything, but it allowed us to buy a new house in this crazy hot market. I also know people who get parents to help financially for this situation.
Anonymous says
I haven’t done this (yet), but I think you can draw a line of credit from an investment account or a retirement account? You don’t have to sell the securities, they’re just the collateral. Or basically do a HELOC?
Anonanonanon says
OK again I’m a financial idiot but the HELOC option seems like what I mean. We could borrow our expected profit, use that for a down payment, then pay on the new house mortgage, the HELOC loan, and old house mortgage until we sell old house, at which case we take that profit and pay off the HELOC loan and only have new house mortgage? In theory, at least?
Anonymous says
I think that’s how it works, your loan officer or bank should be able to help with the details.
Anonanonanon says
Thanks, I’m not deadset on moving but have been keeping my eye on the market for about two years and wasn’t even sure how it worked. It helps to know to ask “is something similar to a HELOC possible?” when discussing with the bank someday. It seems like houses in the price range of our current house are in a bubble but the ones that are our next step haven’t inflated as much, so am considering exploring a bit more seriously.
Anonymous says
Will applying for a HELOC on the old house ding your credit rating?
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, I think they’re called bridge loans and they’re short term in nature and used for this very purpose.
Anonymous says
+1 bridge loans
A very large bank just froze HELOCs, so YMMV on them for this reason.
Anonymous says
We purchased a new home and then sold our first house two years ago. We used savings that we had set aside but were advised that had we planned ahead (meaning not already had a contract on house 2), we could have obtained a HELOC on the first home to use for the down payment on the second home.
Anonymous says
I did this thinking we would keep the old condo as a rental property – though ended up selling. The extra paperwork / fees not really worth it if you don’t actually plan to follow through. (we were concerned about submitting a conditional offer – one of the reasons we did this). Note – I am in Canada – so rules etc. may vary.
– you need to basically prove to the bank that you can support both mortgages. Higher % down payment will make this easy. IME, the bank is “OK” with way more mortgage than is rationale (so not as hard as you think if you are confident that the situation is temporary).
– Alternately some sort of line of credit (e.g. secured by investments or the original for example) might be a cost effective way to do this. A sedured loan will be much more cost effective.
– be careful on break-fees if ultimate you do repay the original mortgage (there are ways to get around this but would be mortgage dependent)
– consider tax implications if you have to designate a “primary” residence (in Canada you pay capital gains on any property that is not your primary residence). A couple months overlap wouldn’t be a big deal…. a year might an issue.
Anonymous says
My 2.5-year-old is obsessed with spitting. He spits out food, he spits out water, he spits just to spit. It happens in our house, outside, at the store, and I’m guessing at school, too (if he’s wearing a mask, he helpfully takes it off first). We’ve talked about it, we’ve done time outs, etc etc. Given the pandemic, it gets awkward really fast if we’re around other people. What else can we try?? I’m sure he’ll grow out of it at some point, but I would like to hurry this along!
anonM says
Ok, this might not be the conventional approach, but here’s two ideas I’d try. What slowllllyyyy and finally worked for us with our LO who purposely peed (for the mom-shamers on here, NO I’m not talking accidents, I’m talking mom-said-no-so-now-I’ll-pull-my-pants-and-pee-on-the-rug peeing) was as calmly and matter-of-factly as possible cleaning it up. He had to walk downstairs with us and “help” put the pants in the washer, had to get spray and “help” wipe up whatever mess he’d caused, had to get wiped up with a cold washcloth, and had to get changed (sometimes he would throw a fit, so this looked more like us doing the cleaning but he had to be next to us and couldn’t play). Timeouts, lectures, etc. seemed to just make the behavior worse. Having to deal with the consequences — along with lots of encouraging the good behavior, etc. etc. — finally seemed to work. It was a REALLY tough stage of our parenting though because it was gross and all I wanted to do was yell or do a time out or something. My suggestion– 1. give permission to go spit all LO wants in the toilet (I’d get daycare’s buy-in on this plan) and then 2. anywhere else LO has to clean it ASAP. It might be an annoying, tedious few days, but if every time LO does this, they have to change their shirt, wipe the area, etc etc it’s way less fun than just spitting in the toilet.
Anonymous says
Ah, the joy of kids, right. My only suggestions are the basics: you spit out food? You must be done. Take away all food. Spit out a drink? You must be done. Drink is gone immediately. No reaction from you—at that age any attention, even bad attention, is good to kiddo. It’s not a game.
And yes, standard rules apply—if kid is underweight, probably need to address differently. But in general no kid will starve or dehydrate. And, respectfully, my kid hasn’t ever been given a drink in a store? Is this just saliva? Harder to enforce, but same stop immediately and leave concept—we have to stop doing this fun thing because spitting isn’t fun. Spit at the playground? Time to leave.
Sending you patience.
Anonymous says
The assertion that no kid will ever starve or dehydrate themself is dangerously false. My kid absolutely will and has done it.
Anon says
I don’t know if this is good parenting but we mostly ignored when my then 3 year old went through a phase like this. We would have stopped spitting at other people, obvi, but ignored it when she did it to us and i think our lack of reaction helped it pass sooner. So gross, even when we’re not in a pandemic. so I sympathize!
Anon says
We’re about to move from our first house – where our kids were born – to a nearby one. Any suggestions for fun or meaningful ways to say goodbye to a house? And I know this is asked all the time, but tips for moving? Kids are 6,5,2. Thanks!
Anonymous says
You could let them loose with a disposable camera or one of those new polaroid cameras, and then put all the photos on a bulletin board in your new house
Anonymous says
I don’t know about saying goodbye, but we commissioned an artist to paint a picture of our house. There are tons of people on etsy who will do this, in all sorts of media. Ours is a watercolor, but I’ve seen cool pen and ink, comic-style, etc options.
Anonymous says
We signed a beam up in a corner of the attic with a sharpie when we left the house where my older two were born. We traced their handprints.
CCLA says
No tips on meaningful farewells, but as far as moving tips, we’ve moved a couple of times with young kids and found it really helpful to take them to see the new place before we actually moved, so they can see their room and know what’s coming. Obv that’s not always possible, but if you can, highly recommend.
Walnut says
We had family photos taken at our house prior to moving.
Anon says
I’ve worked really hard to preserve my childfree friendships. But some of my friends are just… they’re real jerks about kids. And it’s hard and it stinks. I feel like I hear a lot about people who pressure others into having kids but somehow my one circle is… the polar opposite.
And I feel like somehow in one circle of friends in particular, there’s one person in particular who goes out of their way to make us feel like we’ve done something absolutely horrible by having kids. And honestly? It’s become really unpleasant to hang out with that person. They’ve made it SUPER clear that they don’t want to come to my house or do anything where kids could come, so I’m having to get a sitter… and then I’m not available for last minute plans which makes them roll their eyes and say, ‘Ugh. It’s like you let your kids rule your life.’ Which… I mean, there are a lot of aspects to my life, of which my children are an important one.
This weekend, I was hanging out with some neighbors who have kids the same age. And it was… awesome. Totally not stressful, really enjoyable. Our kids played. The house we were in was childproofed. At one point, kids were roaring like a dinosaur and all the adults just kept chatting and periodically redirecting the kids. And like… It was so nice. I actually had fun. We mostly talked about other things, but if we mentioned our kids, it was fine. I didn’t have to censor myself.
So. I’m anonymously venting online because… I always thought, ‘How awful!’ when people ditched their childfree friends after having kids. But sometimes… Maybe sometimes. The person is kind of just being a jerk.
Anonymous says
I hear you.
I think kid people and non-kid people just talk past each other sometimes. I don’t have many childless friends, but I see it with my sister, who is single with no kids and isn’t a jerk, but just forgets that I can’t be as spontaneous as she can. My kids do rule my life. Sometimes I plan to do things without them, but I still have to … y’know… account for their care and feeding while I’m away. Whether that’s with my husband or a babysitter, there’s a step that has to happen, and it makes last-minute plans really difficult. People with kids make plans with me a week or two in advance because they need to, too, and yes, it is so much easier and more pleasant to not get pushback when I say, “oh that sounds great, let me see if I can work it out with DH or get a babysitter” or “I can’t find a sitter, maybe we could just have wine and let the kids run around the backyard?”
Anonymous says
Yeah do not be friends with this person! I don’t have kids I just jumped in today with the party question above, and I would never behave like this! Don’t be friends with people who are mean!
Anon says
Thank you. Honestly, if it wasn’t a circle of friends, I think I might have bowed out politely.
Also – let me just say that a couple of my childless friends are my kids’ favorite people in the world. One friend in particular who – I was a little nervous because she is terrified of babies – is the queen of FaceTiming my kids to show them just weird things she thinks they would like.
And you know what? Even if my kids aren’t around, yes I 100% want to see that dog you met in the park or that really cool street art you found or watch you blow a really big bubble.
Boston Legal Eagle says
It’s ok to have different friends for different seasons of life. Maybe this circle of friends was great when you were all in college or whatever, but they may not fit with your current season. You might be able to reconnect later, but IMO, also fine if you don’t. Also ok to make new friends with people in a similar stage to you. It IS easier to hang out with people who get it when it comes to same age kids.
anon says
+1
AwayEmily says
well put.
anon says
Your friend sounds like a jerk. A clueless one, at that. If anything, she’s forcing you to revolve your life around HER preferences.
Anonymous says
+1
I didn’t have kids until very late, I so was the single no-kids person. I might have been clueless, but I wasn’t a jerk. I had a crazy job for a long time that I had to totally schedule around (and might have things crop up) and to me, kids were like that — something to be aware of in the scheduling and that can create wildcards.
OTOH, if the person is giving you a lecture about how your kids are killing the planet, just no. Unless a robot changes your friend’s adult diaper when she is old and needy, she should be glad that someone somewhere is having kids.
Pogo says
I have several close child-free friends and none of them behave like this.
One of my college friends recently ghosted a group of us, and we wondered if it was because a few of us had kids, but she treated the kid-having and the non-kid-having the same, so I think we just grew apart. I think that could be happening here too and she’s using the kid as an excuse, consciously or not, of how she doesn’t feel you are valuing her friendship?
I mean we have one set of couple friends who are constantly evaluating all their social options and thus never rsvp to anything. They always decide last minute just in case something better pops up. They were like this before kids and after. It’s just who they are. It annoys us but not enough to cut off the friendship! and we don’t give them a hard time about it.
Anonymous says
In this case, it sounds like your “friend” is a total jerk – time to move on. In others, though, if you notice that your child-free friends are pulling away or less eager to make joint plans, I think it can be worth examining the level of effort you’re putting into the friendship. There’s no right or wrong and sometimes friendships will fade away on their own, but sometimes people aren’t going to be willing to stay friends if EVERY conversation is about your kids, you respond to life problems with “now try that when you also have kids,” or, like the poster above described, you bring your kids to parties when they weren’t invited. Absolutely no one should be a jerk to you, though, even if you do all those things.
SC says
I agree that your friend sounds like a jerk. I have a good friend who had a kid young (like 17) and is done raising him. She does not want to hang out with my kid all the time or be an “aunt” figure. Honestly, I get that. But also, she’s not a jerk, doesn’t guilt me about not being able to do stuff, and doesn’t act like she’s allergic to my kid. I text her for a kid-free night out when I have the opportunity. Or she and her husband have come over for drinks, and DH and I set Kiddo up with a movie. She understands that I can’t just meet up for happy hour at the last minute, and that more often than not, DH and I need to entertain before or after Kiddo’s bedtime. We mostly talk about work, books, food, and travel, but we listen to each other talk about our husbands and kids. Also, she has occasionally gone on mini-adventures with me and Kiddo or read a book to Kiddo when he asked because she’s a friend and isn’t a jerk.
sf says
I’m sure this has been asked tons of times before so direct me to former threads if that’s easier:
1) Activities for a 4.5 year old during a 7 hour car trip? My husband will be alone with him. Sticker books and those books where you scratch the black off to reveal colors below are big hits with him. Plus a movie. but anything I’m not thinking of?
2) I’m flying with my 11month old. I bought him a seat. It’s just socal to norcal. just bring all the snacks right? he’s crawling and walking so is not going to be happy, but it’s been so long since I flew…and in times of covid can I not let him crawl around the airport (not sure why that would be related)?
Thanks!
Anon. says
For the car ride: I wrapped up a couple new toys for my 4 year old and it was a huge hit. One right before leaving (after buckled into the car seat) and one midway when I could sense a meltdown approaching. Nothing super special – animal figurine from Target dollar spot. But it was wrapped! and new! And that $1 shark kept him entertained for seriously 2 hours.
anon says
https://www.amazon.com/Write-Wipe-Scholastic-Early-Learners/dp/0545906407
DLC says
My husband had to do a 13 hour solo trip with one of our kids every year from the time kiddo was 1.5 until she was five. His strategy was audiobooks, “daddy” music singalongs, and constant snacks.
DLC says
Oh, also- he sat her on the passenger side of the back seat so that he could reach back and hold her hand once in a while. Apparently that was also key.
CCLA says
Based on a thread here sometime in the last couple of weeks, I bought popits for our kids (2.5 and 4.5) for upcoming trip of similar length, no experience to report but seems promising. So far they’ve done 6 hours no problem with the first half being super early morning (like 5am departure) so combination of nap/music/looking out window, and ipad movies or shows for second half. May also do water wow or sticker books for the older one. May be obvious, but also don’t forget the headphones if you don’t want to hear movie. I think our almost 3 yo is about ready for some, to date we’ve just put the nature documentary (ie not annoying sounds, yay) on that she loves on low volume. We’ve liked the puro ones for our older kiddo, and starting around 4 she was able to adjust them on her own to stay on better.
Anon says
Water wows keep my 3 year old entertained for a while. We also bring tons of books on car rides. She isn’t a huge reader st home but enjoys flipping through them on car rides.
SC says
Scratch art! My son was obsessed with the Melissa and Doug scratch art pads for a couple of years. He also liked the M&D color by number activity pads at that age and entertained himself with one for a full 6-hour road trip.
We haven’t had great success with audio books, but he does like podcasts. The Circle Round podcast is very good. He also likes the National Geographic Greek Out podcast, but 4.5 might be a little young for it if your kid is sensitive.
Pipe cleaners are also great. They keep hands busy while listening to an audiobook or podcast.
For several long road trips, I had a strategy of packing a bag full of activities and stowing it in the trunk. Every time we stopped (every 1.5-2 hours), I let Kiddo choose 2 activities from the bag. That kept him from going through 10-12 activities in 10-12 minutes. If he got bored before we stopped, he could look out the window, talk to us, or ask for music or a podcast.
I used to save screens for the end of the car trip. Once my kid watched a movie or show for a couple of hours, he’d be bored/done with the screen, but not want to do anything else either. Now (at 6.5), he’s happy to play a video game for 8 hours straight, and we just let him.
Mommasgottasleep says
I’m in a rut. What are you having for dinner tonight?
AwayEmily says
Gonna be honest here. My husband is out of town and the kids are having hot dogs. After they go to bed I will make myself one of two things, depending on my mood: (1) cheese plate with Triscuits, sharp cheddar, and apples or (2) nachos. Either way, I will be watching television.
Pogo says
I think tonight is quesadillas? But we have separate adult and kid menus. Adults eat meal delivery service and kids eat what the nanny makes them. I have completely outsourced dinner.
I did make myself a really tasty Mediterranean salad this weekend.
Anon says
Takeout. We’re visiting friends for a long weekend. Tomorrow will be our weekly “order pizza to the pool” day.
Anonymous says
[email protected] Delicious quick chicken ramen to use up chicken + veg.
Anonymous says
Grilled pork chops, Ben’s microwave rice side, lettuce salad, blueberries (local from the market this weekend and SO delish).
DLC says
Corn chowder with poblano and scallions from Milk Street’s Instant Pot cookbook- one of my new go-to cookbook for weeknight dinners.
GCA says
It’s a bit damp and rainy here, so dinner is an instant pot chicken and wild rice soup (chop all ingredients and chuck them into instant pot).
Spirograph says
Sheetpan dinner: chicken thighs & chickpeas. DH and I will eat this in pitas with tzatziki sauce, arugula, and cucumber slices. Kids will eat some deconstructed version of that.
I’ll put the recipe link in a separate reply, it’s one of my favorites!
Anon Lawyer says
Thinking puff pastry pizza turnovers using random stuff in my fridge.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Yellow Curry Thai Pasta (adopted from The Ch*tney Life’s Thai Spaghetti), roasted broccoli, and tofu. I’ll be at a late meeting, so my Mom and DH will handle dinner. DS #1 did not like this meal yesterday, and I doubt he’ll like it today, but we all liked it. Bahahahaha.
Anon says
Joanna Gaines has a “Sandra Lee style” fatayer recipe (aka semi-homemade) that is fantastic – my kids will gobble it up and take the leftovers for their lunch the next day. It’s a Lebanese meat pie – we add baharat/ 7 spice to the meat mixture to add more flavoring – but otherwise it’s a pretty simple recipe.
https://www.popsugar.com/food/joanna-gaines-fatayer-recipe-48093704
ElisaR says
great rec, i am going to try this soon!
Seafinch says
Major rut here and I am normally very organized and love cooking. Our oven was broken until this afternoon so I was vacillating and not planning properly (i.e. not defrosting) and was busy with work.
Just decided to do salad and Costco dumplings with grilled shrimp and grilled broccoli with homemade peanut sauce. It won’t be inspired but it will be nutritious and get the job done!
ElisaR says
slowcooker recipe from skinnytaste: chicken taco chili (dumped it in this morning – relatively little prep_
So Anon says
I dropped my 10 year old off at his sleep away camp yesterday, and I drop by rising 3rd grader at her sleep away camp tomorrow. I have 10 days of kid-free time followed by an additional 10 days with just my 10 YO, and I feel like I need to do a reset on things (parenting/house/me). I have a sense that things need to be tweaked but I’m not sure how/what. I’m not phrasing this well, which is part of the challenge. I feel like I am just looking up and getting my head above water for the first time since Feb 2020. I plan on getting solid sleep while they are away, but I don’t really have much more of a plan than that. Any ideas/thoughts?
AwayEmily says
This is perhaps a bit less Type A advice than this board usually skews, but can I recommend just not doing anything for a few days? Sleep a lot, relax, leave dishes in the sink, just enjoy being alone with no demands on your time and no need to plan every minute. After you’ve done that for awhile I bet you’ll be excited to jump into Doing Things, but it sounds like you really need (and very much deserve) a break first.
Anon says
+1 my parents have started taking our 3 year old for weekend sleepovers and to be honest I haven’t done anything productive with the time yet. I just need to decompress and recover from the burnout of the last year.
Anonymous says
Massive KonMari purge + hire a service to do a deep clean? Start a daily yoga challenge or meditation course? Read a million novels just for fun?
Anonymous says
Use this time on yourself. Not your house. Not your parenting. You. What sets your soul on fire? What nourishes you? What abundant joy can you get out of this time?
For me I’d be looking to do leisurely dinners outside unbothered reading a good book. I’d be looking at pedicures and cheese plates on my deck and going swimming without watching kids. I’d want to meet up with any friends around and take long walks. I’d ask my housekeeper to come and do a deep clean.
No Face says
I would schedule times to meet up with friends, eat food that my kids hate, read a few books, go on some hikes. After a few days, I would do some house organizing because of the state of my house.
Pogo says
Read, listen to podcasts, bullet journal, go The Home Edit on your closets, yoga, run, therapy, drinks with friends. Also research any future trips you might be planning or home updates you need to make – I need chunks of uninterrupted time to do this kind of thing personally, so I save it for kid-free time.
Anonymous says
Catch up with some friends! Do something that would be a) not fun with the kids, but b) if they were around you’d feel bad leaving them out. Maybe do an afternoon at a winery? Hang out at a pool? Fancy brunch? I may be projecting but these are things I’d love to do kid-free with friends.
Anonymous says
I have the house to myself for 3.5 days next week. I’m cleaning out my dresser drawers (won’t take long, I have 3), the linen closet (also won’t actually take long), and one kitchen cupboard that drives me batty. Otherwise I’m making plans with friends, eating take out, and drinking wine in front of the tv.
rakma says
I second the advice to spend some/most of the time resting, maybe reading a good book, going on long walks in nature, whatever fills your cup.
In your shoes, if I really felt like I need a project, I’d make a rotating 6-week meal plan with grocery list so I don’t have to think about dinner as much. I don’t know if I’d opt for a full declutter, but I might see if there were a couple areas I could pare down–maybe my closet and the laundry room that becomes the dumping ground for “things i don’t know what to do with”
Also, if you have been putting off medical appointments, hair appointments, or any other self-maintenance things, can you do one or two of them?
SC says
I recently had 9 days at home by myself. I had during the days, including over the weekend. I tidied the house in the mornings and during breaks from work, but I didn’t do any major projects–just enough to feel like I could enjoy the house without everybody else’s stuff everywhere. Then, in the evenings, when I was done with work, I did things that made me feel happy and relaxed. I went to dinner with a friend one night. I finished 4 books. I worked on a puzzle. I watched the NBA playoffs, a few episodes of Schitt’s Creek, and the Call the Midwife holiday special. I went on a few walks with my audiobook. I took myself to a restaurant and had appetizers at the bar for dinner one night. I ate very simple meals–leftovers at first, then frozen food from Trader Joe’s–so I didn’t have to cook or do dishes.
It was glorious.
SC says
Edit: I had *to work* during the days, including over the weekend.