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- I think I suffer from mom rage…
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- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Cb says
My son’s BFF is 15 months older, and started school this year, and we had a playdate this week and the oneupmanship was intense. His bike was bigger, he rode with pedals rather than a balance bike, he was faster, he would always and forever be older, he had every toy my kid had and more. My son didn’t get annoyed by it but at one point he turned to me and whispered “I think he likes to show off his tricks…”
Is there a way to gently correct or redirect? They spend a lot of time together and really enjoy each other’s company, but it was a bit sad to watch? I have to remind the BFF of his please and thank yous all the time and he seems to take that in stride so I think a gentle nudge would be fine.
anon says
I … sort of think this isn’t your problem to solve? Sounds like your son takes it in stride and doesn’t really care. I think this is a fairly common dynamic when there’s an age difference (yes, even 15 months can be a lot at that age) and it’ll sort itself out in time.
Anonymous says
+1 Kids solve kid problems
Mary Moo Cow says
I would not intervene. Your son seems to have a good handle on it: I’m surprised he noticed and could articulate it so calmly, as not many adults can do that. As long as your son isn’t annoyed, and is showing you that he knows what’s up and doesn’t care, I would let it go. If he complains or doesn’t want to spend time with the BFF, then you could offer coaching on how to handle it, but for now, I think leave it alone. He’s learning how to deal with annoying people and doing so remarkably well.
Cb says
Thanks everyone, I had a sneaking suspicion I was being overly sensitive to it.
My son is such a little old soul and pretty independent. He explained after I told his pal to slow down for the 3rd time “If you tell him 4 times, I think he’ll remember.”
Anon says
Your son is hilarious and wise beyond his years :)
Anonymous says
I don’t think you do anything about this. Normal kid stuff you son is handling fine.
Anon says
Yeah don’t intervene. If your kid were upset it would be a different story, but he’s not. This is very normal behavior for 4-5 year olds.
Anon says
Being “the best” is a common stage at ages 5/6. You can speak with your child afterwards and help reframe it for him, or if you are standing right there when a comment is made you could say something (“You sure do go fast! Kid likes going fast, too!”) but otherwise I’d let it go
Anon says
I would not really worry about it. I had a similar friend relationship at that age, and it was fine. My mom tried to fix the situation by pulling me out of situations where I was competing with said friend. For example, my friend was more athletic than me, so my mom “forgot” to sign me up for gymnastics one semester. I was actually upset about that whereas I was not upset about “competing” with my friend when I was 6.
I would only start being worried about your kid’s feelings if this relationship continues into middle and high school– feelings can actually get hurt at that age.
Anon says
Hey, thanks for this comment. I’m the anon below you, and it’s good for me to hear your perspective as a kid. Their kid is a stronger athlete, and the parents are super, super competitive. I get tired of sitting through several seasons a year with them. When I have signed up my kid for something individually, they inevitably find out and put their kid in the same class. But the kids love each other. They play together for hours and ask for each other constantly. They don’t fight when they are together, so I need to remember to just grit my teeth and let it all go.
Anon says
Oh man, this is harder as a parent than it is as a kid. We are tight with a family who has a son the same age as our 7 year old son. The kids do a lot of activities together. The other family uses language that tends to reinforce the kids’ skills over the enjoyment (it’s subtle, but coming out of a baseball game, the other kid’s mom will often say “you hit an awesome homer!” and we try to say stuff like “Wow! didn’t you have a great time playing with your friends!”). Or, if the kids both come out of basketball, we will be inclusive in our praise of the kids (“didn’t the kids play great today?!”), and they will say “did you see X’s goal?” as though both kids didn’t just play.
For better or worse, it manifests itself in the kid’s language all the time with all the “Did you know I can [XYZ] SO WELL?” It honestly drives me up the wall, but doesn’t seem to bother our son (yet). My approach is to ignore the kid’s conduct (it’s not really his fault, he’s definitely being conditioned to talk like this), and check in with my kid periodically. I also often ask him if he’d prefer some separation in activities from the other kid, but so far, he’d rather have his buddy than go without him. I honestly think I hear these one liners more as an adult than he does as a kid. Also, when I feel myself getting really frustrated with the kid, I just try to remember that it’s the parents who are driving this. Also, when I’m not really irritated, I feel bad because ultimately they are doing a serious disservice to their kid with all this dang praise. It’s hard to hear that type of praise constantly your whole life, then jump into real life where it doesn’t exist.
Spirograph says
hmmm. I disagree that it does a disservice to kids to recognize their individual actions in the context of a team sport. My first question after a game/practice is “did you have fun?” and the coaches on our kids’ teams have a constant refrain that the most important thing is to have fun, which I really appreciate. But after fun, teams are also about skill development and being a good sport. The coaches are still trying to teach them things, and many kids (including mine) get a lot of satisfaction out of growing their skills and celebrating that with their team.
For any kid I’m talking to post-game/practice, I try to comment on one team dynamic thing and one individual thing. Not necessarily scoring – it could be sportsmanship, technique, a heads-up play, etc. I make it effort-focused (esp if they’ve been focusing on a particular skill), “I can tell you’ve been working on X” rather than “you’re so good at X.” Yes, intrinsic motivation is key, but everyone likes to be seen. To me, the fact that the world won’t be their cheering section when they’re adults doesn’t mean I need to forego praise now.
Anon says
Absolutely, I don’t disagree, but I also make an effort not to praise my kid’s skills in the presence of other kids. We do a lot of skill talk in the car on the way home with our family only. I also absolutely don’t praise my kids to other parents with kids on the team. My husband and I do that privately. I guess I just don’t see the value of talking up my kids to other parents?
Spirograph says
Oh yeah, that’s silly if they’re talking to you alone. I assumed this was a conversation in front of the kids, which I always treat as an opening for the kids to chime in, not really directed to me at all. This is a standard part of post-game/practice talk on my kids’ teams: Coach praising kids & giving constructive feedback, parents praising their kids, parents praising other people’s kids, kids praising each other.
GCA says
So – my thinking on this is a little bit gendered. I was just listening to a couple of podcasts with amateur athletes who are competing at a similarly high level in individual sports. Podcast guest A was incredibly competitive and aggressive, lots of oneupmanship, just self-aware enough to recognize that snapping at other competitors and blocking them off/ dogging their heels was kind of a jerk move but did it anyway. Not a word about what he has given to or received from the sporting community. Podcast guest B was a woman who within five minutes, started talking about her relationships with her community and how they push her and make her a better athlete. After my initial revulsion I finally put my finger on my emotional response to guest A. It was pity.
Not every dude is prone to toxic competitiveness, but I think this is the water that men are socialized to swim in from birth. I really wanted the (white, male) host to call Guest A out on his BS. But how does a fish know water is wet?
Cb, most of this sounds like normal kid competitiveness, *and* also it can evolve into toxicity later on if it’s not balanced out. But I feel like all you can control (insofar as you can control the environment for your kid) is encouraging a healthy mindset for your own kid. Your son sounds incredibly wise for his age. He’s handling it fantastically well. I would continue to encourage him in thinking this way.
Cb says
He’s really a lovely soul. We got a video from nursery where someone was playing Christmas songs on the cello in the nursery garden. He and his pals were playing superheros but then he broke off from them and came and stood next to the cellist and accompanied her. His friends were still playing but he knew what he wanted to do, and it really struck me how he’s not particularly concerned about what his peers are doing.
Anonymous says
how old are they? This is literally all kids do at recess in kindergarten. My kids were h3ll bent on cartwheels in K because so-and-so could do a better cartwheel, run faster, was already reading harry potter in 3 languages, etc.
Anonanonanon says
I just want to echo those who said your son handled this so well! I love that he recognized what was going on and could articulate it, good for him! I 100% wouldn’t worry about him in this instance, he seems to have this well under control.
Anon says
my 3.5 year olds lately have been refusing to clean up toys. it has always been part of our routine that we eat dinner, play a bit, clean up and start the bedtime routine. i’ve tried moving the clean up earlier in the day, i’ve tried things like how the faster we clean up, the more time we will have for stories (kiddos don’t care), i’ve tried timers, races, things like “you pick up the blue toys and i’ll pick up the red toys” etc. but kiddos are very anti clean up. any tips? also how to handle when one kid cleans up but the other doesn’t (this happens on occasion as well, but mostly no one wants to clean up)
Anon says
Commiseration. Yesterday I spent 12 hours asking, telling, cajoling, setting up a race, a toy pick up dance party, threatening and yelling in an effort to get my 4.5 YO to pick up her toys, and she finally decided to do it at 10PM when she was ready, after throughout the day repeated time outs, toys in time outs, electronics taken away, being sent to her room, etc. So I have no advice other than try to get kiddo to clean up before moving on to a new activity (which, as you may have guessed, is unsuccessful the vast majority of the time in my house). Or have the housekeepers come, as my kid is terrified they will vacuum up her toys and thus will deign to haphazardly throw them into piles the morning they come.
Anonymous says
Wow this is insane to me. Clean it yourself, have less available, and move on. 12 hours of hounding a 4 year old about cleaning until she’s up, exhausted, cleaning at 10pm. Shocking.
Anonymous says
lol at you
Solidarity, 9:35 Anon
Anonymous says
This is honestly the craziest thing I’ve heard since that lady who didn’t wash her kids when they were dirty.
Anon says
I’m with Anon 10:34…often, you just need to give your kid an out. My kid and I are both the type to dig in our heels, and when kids feel backed into a corner some will double down to “save face.” I try to find a way to allow my kid to gracefully change his mind (humor helps!)…maybe even “boy, you sure don’t want to clean up! Let’s have a snack/read a book/go for a walk and then try again” (I had great luck last week snapping my kid out of a similar situation by taking him for a walk around the block; when we returned he was totally pleasant and agreeable.)
Anonymous says
Honestly most nights it just doesn’t happen. I have had success with “if the Lego’s aren’t put away tonight they don’t come out tomorrow “ but it’s so much hassle for me to remember I usually don’t bother.
GCA says
Our house rule is: If the toys are left out and not picked up, they have to go on vacation for a few days to get a break. (There’s definitely some wishful thinking here too – I would like to go on vacation for a few days to get a break.)
Tea/Coffee says
We do something similar. If I ask you to clean up, and you don’t, then I guess I have to. And you may not like it when Mommy cleans up (bwahahahaha). My kids both know that Mommy cleaning up is a good sign your stuff is going, at minimum, for a very long time out.
I do find that I have to sit with them, otherwise they get distracted, but I just scroll on my phone or do something else in the room.
This weekend we did have a massive meltdown from the 6YO, which resulted in Mommy cleaning up, which means that 1, he’s lost multiple christmas gifts (will get them back eventually) and 2, I managed to toss a bunch of the “random kid flotsam and jetsam” that accumulates. Normally they will clean it all up and then we just wind up with piles of randomness.
Anon says
At 3.5, you carry on with the routine of having them help you, but you do most of it yourself. Pack some toys up if it’s more than you can clean up in 5 minutes – not in a punitive way, but in a way that recognizes you all are overwhelmed by the mess and want to keep it manageable.
This is a tricky age and they are YOUNG so do not stress about them never picking up again. My biggest parenting regrets are about making mountains out of molehills; get the cleaning down, even if only one kid helps, and move on. You can set a boundary – we have to clean up before watching a show/etc – but do not bribe, cajole or fight your kids for a whole day, it will only make you all miserable.
Mary Moo Cow says
I just wrote in to Megan Lehay about this issue. My kids are 4 and 6 and clean up has gone from bad to worse over the years. DH and I tried everything you tired and more: throwing toys away that are left out, reward charts, positive reinforcement when they do clean up… nothing sticks. Not even throwing away toys. I’ve given up, pretty much.
OP says
can you please report back if you get a response?
Mary Moo Cow says
I did! She recommended a family meeting at a relaxed, low key time (like Saturday morning breakfast) and say something like, “toys are getting left out and we’re stepping on them. What can we do to solve the problem?” Let the kids give input. She tagged a therapist and they both said this is pretty common problem, and a solution is to make sure everything has a place and that the kids clearly understand where things belong and when they are expected to clean up.
This … hasn’t exactly worked. Kids have shrugged when we ask what ideas they have and we have a set of cubbies with clear bins that just get dumped and the contents get thrown back in whatever bin is nearby the night before the house cleaners come or when we yell at the end of our ropes.
anon says
Gah, this sort of soft, touchy-feely gentle parenting approach has done exactly ZIP for both of my kids. I’ve had more luck with a) giving the kids a very specific task (put the Barbies in this box); and b) reminding them that when toys are picked up, we can move on to the next activity.
Anonymous says
Have these people ever actually met kids? I know zero kids who would come up with their own solutions or meet clearly set expectations without constant nagging and close supervision.
Anonymous says
The only other game/tactic I can suggest is what my son’s preschool did. The teachers would say, “I’m going to close my eyes and rest for a few minutes, and when I open them I’m going to clean up all of these toys by myself. I want to do every bit of it alone. I can’t wait to clean this up.” etc etc. Lay it on thick, and keep it going the entire time. Or you could say when I go in the other room. For some reason the kids really enjoyed the reverse psychology game (and they knew it was a game). My son also responded somewhat well to using a dustpan or net to scoop things into.
OP says
thanks all. glad to hear it is not just us. my twins have now started switching my tactics onto me – so like “mommy why don’t you clean up the green toys and sister can clean up the brown toys and I’ll stand here and watch to see who can do it the fastest”.
Anonymous says
Seems like a win, if they actually do it. I don’t have twins but have 2 little kids and definitely count it as a win if one of two helps me clean up at any given time.
Anon says
Honestly we don’t force our 4 year old to pick up toys anymore. It’s always been a much bigger priority for me than DH and with Covid and disrupted childcare and some other stressful things going on in our lives right now, it’s just not a battle I have the bandwidth to fight right now. I know it’s not great but these are weird times. She’s helpful with clean up at preschool according to her teachers.
Anon says
So a couple questions – how much is there to clean up? I usually require clean up between activities. For us, evening clean up takes maybe five minutes. If it takes much more than this, I can see why the kids might be a bit overwhelmed.
Is cleaning a fun thing to do in your house? Every Saturday the kids (3.5 and 5) help me clean their rooms – change sheets, etc. But it’s fun. We put music on and we put lavender oil on their pillows after the room is tidy. Once again, maybe 15 minutes of cleaning.
If one kid cleans up and the other does, then the kid who cleans up gets something fun – ten minutes of special time alone with you or, in our case, a monkey ride on Dad’s shoulders triumphantly around the kitchen.
AwayEmily says
A couple of random ideas, many of which you may or may not have tried already.
First, and I’ve mentioned this here before, we have a big “carrot” before bedtime — “Fun Time,” in which the kids (3 and 5) go totally nuts in their bedroom jumping on the Nugget/mattress on the floor, both parents get involved and pretend to be monsters/horses/etc, we do lots of roughousing, they LOVE it. But Fun Time can’t happen until/unless everything is cleaned up, pajamas are on, and teeth are brushed. Usually, warning that “if X doesn’t happen, we won’t have time for Fun Time” is enough to hurry them along.
Second, we try to make it a family thing by putting on a song (usually “Shake it Off”) and everyone helps.
Third, both kids but especially the three-year-old needs SPECIFIC tasks. He seems to be incapable of just figuring out on his own what needs tidying but if we say “can you put all the pillows on the couch” or “can you put all the Magnatiles back in the bin” then he does it no problem.
Fourth, I accept that the adults are going to be doing 80% of it. Even when the kids are being super cooperative, they inevitably get distracted by, like, an interesting piece of lint on the floor. We all clean for the duration of the song and I call it a win if everyone did at least ONE thing and nobody protested too much.
Boston Legal Eagle says
“Fourth, I accept that the adults are going to be doing 80% of it.” – this is me. The kids cleaning everything up themselves in not a hill I’m dying on now. Some nights, they help with spraying the countertops or the recycling (my 3 year old is really cute and likes to carry the little recycling bin down), sometimes they put away a few trains, etc. but husband and I do most of the heavy lifting. And I’m ok with that now. There are a few things that we ask them to do every night, similar to EA I think: clear their plates, hang up their coats and keep boots downstairs.
OP says
1, 2 and 3 used to work really well. now in terms of #1, they really do not care. until age 3.25 they loved cleaning up! suddenly my kids are PETRIFIED of our alexa so i’ve had to stop using it to play music and for timers, but i’ve also been trying to keep my phone away more but maybe i’ll try music again on my phone. appreciate the suggestions and the recognition that it might be 80% of it done by the adults at this stage
DLC says
With my preschooler, if he refuses to clean up and wants to play instead, i sit him on a step and say, “When you’re ready to clean up you can get up.” Works most of the time ish. Like he will eventually say he’s ready and put away half the things. Something about letting him be “ready” seems to do the trick with him. (This is more box text i learned from a preschool teacher.) Of course once in a while he is just as happy to sit there- like once he sat on the step for three hours. Nothing works 100% of the time. When my ten year old gets irate that her siblings aren’t cleaning up, I acknowledge that it’s tough to do all the work, and thank her for being a responsible family member, but I’m sure it’s cold comfort.
Anon says
We have recently instituted the Montessori school rules at home. Our kid is 3 and has done a semester of preschool, so we sat her down one night and said, “we talked to “teacher” and she taught us the rules of school. We’re going to do it at home now. We play with one toy (or one game) at a time and when we’re done we put it away.” We remind her constantly if she tries to move on to a new activity about the rules (e.g., are you done with this puzzle, let’s put it away like at school). She loves school and her young teacher, so I think that helps make it seem cool. Like someone said, it’s often the parents who actually do it, but we at least try to instill the idea. We also tidy things at night so that it looks the same to her every morning.
sg says
3.5 is hard, one thing that works (most of the time) for our 4-year-old is a game I learned from SimplyOnPurpose (Instagram) and I choose one toy as the special toy, whoever cleans up the special toy gets to choose a treat/surprise for everyone who helps clean up. It works 60% of the time?
anon says
My kids are still not very helpful, but I recently re-did our morning and night routine charts and made sure both had a “pick up toys” square. That usually gets them to at least put away a few toys before leaving for school and before bed. They love that chart!
Clementine says
This isn’t a solution or a hack or anything, but it’s something that helps me reduce my personal reaction to my kids doing this.
My big picture goal is to raise kids who have functional life skills. Part of that is learning how to clean and make your space functional. I want to raise kids who know how to both clean AND tidy. I personally didn’t learn how to keep tidy until I was an adult. I’m teaching them a life skill – even when I’m doing 90% of the work.
I don’t need them to love this, but I also need them to know how to do it and create good habits. I make it easy for my kids to clean up after themselves (legos/magnatiles/cars/brio track/etc. goes in clear bins, everything else in big baskets), and there’s usually ‘first you will help with pickup and then we can do (desired activity)’. Sometimes, when they say, ‘I don’t want to!’, I tell them honestly that cleaning is not my favorite, but I do it so that nothing gets broken, the dog doesn’t eat anything, and we have a house that we can find things in.
Also, my solution for tiny legos that they don’t pick up? Kids’ sized snow shovel.
Mary Moo Cow says
Yes, this! This is why I wrote in to Megan Lehay. I was convinced that if I didn’t find a solution to the problem right now they never learn how to do it and create good habits. I’m hoping that by modeling being really neat (DH) and relatively clean (me), then they will move in with someone for whom they want to be a better person and reach way back to what they saw me and DH do and copy that. Because nothing else seems to motivate them.
Anonymous says
Gently, your kids are 3.5. You have a solid 14 more years still to instill habits. I’m not saying don’t try, but it is going to be a process, so pace yourself for the long haul.
Anonymous says
At 3.5 I would definitely still help and just do it together. One thing that’s been working well for us (3.5 and 6.5) is up set a timer for 10 min and get very excited about how much we can get cleaned up before the timer goes off. 3.5 will help a lot but does get a little distracted. 6.5 looooooves it and always wants to set more timers to do more cleaning up after.
Anon says
I have been in the same job since before I had kids. Some days I cling to my reputation/established credibility when I feel like I can’t be super employee all the time due to my family needs. I’m not contemplating a new job and scared about leaving that comfort zone. Can anyone speak to the experience of starting a new job with kids in tow for the first time? did you just mentally commit to like 6 months or a year of your job being priority 1 until you build up some “credits”?
Anon says
should say “now contemplating.” oy. :)
Allie says
No – you downgrade your reputation. Really. I’ve started two high pressure jobs with very young kids and I’m just not going to be as stellar as before. I do well – I work super hard – I just cannot make the impression I did before kids and that’s fine.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My therapist gave me some great advice when I started at my current company with a then 4 month old, and not entirely by choice (was laid off from old job) – the job gets me as I am and who I am is a parent who has responsibilities outside of work. In a lot of ways, it’s easier to start off this way, as the company doesn’t have an impression of you pre-kids and post-kids (regardless of whether you work actually changes!), it’s just you as you are. And if that means setting boundaries and putting your family first a lot of the times, then so be it. That doesn’t make you a worse worker, no matter what greedy jobs try to tell you.
Anonymous says
This. I started a job when my oldest was 18 months (he’s 5 now). I did a lot of “I won’t be able to X”: work til 10PM, come in on a weekend “voluntarily”, travel unnecessarily, etc. For about a year I was really worried I’d be fired, but my boss loved me. If you do choose to make a move, I’d encourage you to set those boundaries in a respectful way. I think that will make you and your colleagues happier in the long run.
Anne-on says
I switched jobs twice after my son was born (though I waited till he was in preschool as I just did not have the bandwidth before then). Both times it was a big discussion with my husband about how he/our sitters would need to be ‘on’ more for the first 6-12 months while I traveled more and worked harder to learn the company and grow my network. When I moved jobs recently I also talked a bit about it with my son to explain that mommy might be working more/traveling a bit more and why. Both times it was to take a ‘next step’ in my career (to get to a level or a join company that was important to me and wasn’t a possibility previously. There were definitely some growing pains for my husband as he was used to me being the ‘on call’ parent but overall I think it was really good for my marriage to – it proved to me he could/would ‘step up’ for my career.
Honestly though, if you can’t/don’t want to job hunt I totally get it. I look at working with young children as a marathon and every year I work with kids in school is a win to me.
Anon says
I have 2 kids and switched jobs 8 months after my first maternity leave and then switched again 6 months after my second maternity leave. Both switches were lateral moves but with a pay raise. I improved quality of life both times (butt in seat / long hours > butt in seat / regular hours > wfh / regular hours).
The hardest part about switching when with young kids is lack of PTO days but they slowly accumulate. My husband would also have to take the reign on sick days in the beginning. With covid and daycare closures, it’s a tough time to change, but if you start applying now, you likely won’t start until the spring and hopefully we’re in a better place by then.
With both moves, I appreciated the fresh start. It’s almost what I needed to get motivated about work again after the first tiring year of babyhood.
Anon says
For those of you with toddler who is a constant mess/whining, how do you not lose your sh*t? Have had almost No childcare this month, stressed to the max at work, and my toddler has been a mess (constant misbehavior, whining) and I finally lost it this weekend (cried/yelled in front of kids, but not at them). I am having the hardest time with regulating right now and welcome any tips.
Anonymous says
Honestly, give yourself a break. If you have been doing this with no breaks for a month and just finally cried in front of them, you are doing great. My SAHM cried a lot when we were little. It honestly didn’t even occur to me that getting upset in front of, but not at, your kids was a real problem. (I can see how yelling would be scary but everyone has feelings.)
Anon says
+1 you’re doing great.
TheElms says
We all lose it from time to time. That looks different for different people. I’ve definitely yelled at my toddler in the last couple months but I also just find myself not wanting to spend time with her because her behavior is so hard to manage. They are far from my finest parenting moments. I apologize to her and move on. Mostly I try to walk away faster now. As long as whatever she is doing isn’t likely to result in head trauma, a high likelihood of a broken bone or a burn (latest awesome toddler trick is that she can defeat the child proof locks on the stove!!!!) . I just go in another room and lock the door for a couple minutes and then when I go back out I try to lean into the craziness for a few minutes. Also there is definitely more bribery with videos / TV than ever before.
anon says
You’re doing fine in a situation that sucks. Here’s my practical tips. (1) take it outside. Kids are about 15% less annoying not in your house. Be outside. Eat outside. (2) physical exhaustion. Long walks. (3) Add water. Baths. Baths with bubbles. Baths with food colouring. Baths with bath fizzies. Baths with lego. (4) Massive praise for when toddler speaks in a normal voice. (5) Giant roll of paper taped to the floor for colouring and stickers.
EDAnon says
I think losing it in front of your kids is okay sometimes. They don’t need some false impression that you’re perfect. Parents are human. It’s about talking to them afterwards to help them understand what happened and making it a priority to be a stable presence in their life most of the time.
Anonymous says
Agree. And, honestly, I haven’t met a kid yet where being calm 100% as a parent leads to the best result. Sometimes they just need to know you’re serious. Now that my child is a little older (6), I can tell her “Kiddo, I have asked you to do this three times, and I am getting very frustrated. I don’t know what to do without using my mean voice.” And then she knows I am serious. But maybe I’m scarring her for life. She can work it out in therapy, I guess.
DLC says
This is so true. There are some great practical Tips but also- I think kids need to see that everyone has moments, and it’s how we recover and do better that is important. Modeling imperfect behavior and recovery gives kids tools for resilience too, I think. I hope.
But sometimes when it gets to be too too much i sit in the bathroom and read corporettemoms.
Anonomous says
Yup – I snapped at my kid this weekend and she started crying. I apologized and explained that sometimes mommy breaks the rules too (no screaming in the house). We talked about how sometimes she misbehaves and that mommy did this time too. And even if we misbehave, we still all love each other and accept apologies. I know this was the right thing to do, because it was so hard to put on my good mommy voice and have this conversation when I was still boiling about the original misbehavior!
EDAnon says
These conversations makes a HUGE impact on my 5.5yo. He beats himself up a lot for mistakes. Working through my mistakes with him helps him develop those skills. And I have seen it working.
And yes to your statement about how the conversation also helps YOU be better. We are all learning!
Anonymous says
PS – I posted above that you are doing great, but I was just reminded that my SAHM had 2 other strategies (other than tears) that used to crack us up. (1) she used to sometimes announce that at 5pm she changed her name, and she was no longer Mommy (so could not respond to whiney MOOOOOOMMMMY cries). She usually changed it to Aloysius or something equally exotic. (2) I’m not sure if she actually did this or just told us about how her mother used to start singing “There is a happy land, far far away” at key moments.
Oh and also, another Mom rule I endorse – in games of tag, Mommy is never base.
Anonymous says
For those of you with kids on the autism spectrum, what sorts of activities actually work? I feel bad when my kid just can’t function in an activity that seems like it should work and I’d love to have a drop-off activity and not helicopter, but my presence in case of a meltdown is often the cost of admission (and I feel costs growth and independence since meltdowns are low-occurrence (maybe annually? but odd (but quirky vs dangerous or rule-breaking) behavior and atypical gait is a given)). Soccer and swimming haven’t worked out so well for us. With COVID, social skills groups aren’t meeting.
Anonymous says
It will probably depend much more on the adults in charge more than on the type of activity. Something like Girl Scouts or YMCA sports, where the emphasis is on participation and youth development, will probably work best. Have a real conversation with the leader or coach describing your child’s needs and how to handle meltdowns, then do a trial class/practice/meeting before committing. An activity where parents regularly rotate volunteer duties will allow you to develop a relationship with the coach or leader and see for yourself how your child relates to the group.
There is a girl with high support needs autism in our Girl Scout troop. She needs her mom there to facilitate her participation one-on-one, so her mom became an assistant leader. She is very much a part of the troop, and the girls have learned to see and appreciate her as an individual. The troop leader set clear expectations about inclusiveness with the other girls from the very beginning. If your child has low support needs, with some searching you should be able to find a program and a leader or coach that is able to deal with one meltdown a year.
anon says
In our area, parents or under-trained college kids are the coaches for Y sports, so I wouldn’t necessarily recommend that approach. They’re ill-equipped to handle my kid with ADHD, is all I’m saying.
No Face says
My kiddo is currently in ballet and it is a good fit. It’s relatively quiet and everyone stands in their own space because of COVID.
I just found a nonprofit that specializes in group activities (like sports and martial arts) for kids with autism. I was thrilled, because it seems like it would be a good place for my kiddo to try out sports. I’ve searched for autism resources many times and I found this group for the first time despite them being around for years, so keep hunting.
So Anon says
It really is going to depend on your child. I would find an activity that plays into your child’s strengths. My 10 yo autistic son struggles with proprioception, so anything that is dependent on eye-hand-foot coordination is a real struggle. However, he thrives in a chess club because chess has defined rules. He is in his school band playing the trumpet (defined keys rather than the sliding thing with the trombone). During warmer weather, he and I run together and he is in a running club. It is not competitive at all and focuses on being outside and moving his body. There is an outdoor nature club that he enjoys.
Anonymous says
Does no one have cold ankles these days?
So Anon says
For the months of January and February, I prefer all of my pants to contain the words “fleece lined” and be able to be tucked into very warm boots. Exposed skin is just a recipe for me being miserable.
GCA says
+1 i am not friends with ankle pants for ten to twelve weeks of the year
Anon says
I wear ballet flats and sneakers without socks through Midwest winter. I find that if the rest of me is bundled up I can have my ankles uncovered and be fine. Just a quirk of my body, I guess. Honestly a hat is by far the most important thing for me. If I have a warm hat that fully covers my ears and I’m moving even a little bit, I can be comfortable down to ~25 or 30 degrees without even a coat.
anon says
I’m jealous! My feet get cold so easily, and when they’re cold, so is the rest of me.
Cold and Pregnant says
My ankles are so cold! I can’t find any maternity dress pants that aren’t “ankle” length, which to me is like 3 inches above my ankle because I am tall. If I could, I would choose full length pants all the time, but apparently pregnant people hardly need dress clothes at all and can’t be picky. (I have another rant about maternity coats… so many people told me to just wear a regular coat unzipped. It has been in the single digits here- I need to at the minimum be able to zip my coat!)
Anonymous says
If it’s cold enough that bare ankles would freeze, these pants will be too thin to wear anyway.
Anon says
I was wearing bare ankles in 15 degree weather last week, so apparently not mine. But my feet are always warm, so as long as the rest of me is bundled up I feel fine.
Anonymous says
Question for this group – does anyone have a child who is just an incredibly slow eater? If so, how do you handle this so that you are not at the mercy of 75+ minute mealtimes, while balancing trying to not rush your child/give them a complex about having to rush to eat?
For background – our 2.5 year old is a pretty decent eater and not very picky. Sometimes he eats food at a normal clip (finishes a meal in 30 minutes), but about 1/3 the time, at 45 minutes after serving him his meal, he’s only taken a few bites. Sometimes he comes home from school with his lunchbox mostly full because, per his teachers, he just wanted to talk to friends, sing songs, or point out what everyone else was eating (“Liam’s eating a sandwich! CeCe’s eating cucumbers!”). It does not seem to matter if it is a food that he loves vs. a food that he is iffy about. At about 30 minutes, we will ask him if he is finished. He often says “No, I am still eating.” (and then eats a few more bites). It also doesn’t seem to be a delay tactic because he doesn’t want to eat, we (and his teachers) are in agreement that he would simply rather be singing a song than eating. But then he is staving later (on the days where he’s only had half his lunch).
I know that most Americans (myself included) likely rush through the meals and don’t stop to savor and enjoy our food. We currently have about 30-45 minutes to eat in the morning, he has an hour at school, and 45-60 minutes for dinner. Our child seems to have high sleep needs, and he’s not up until 7:15 in the mornings, so it’s not like we’re up at 5:30 and can fit in a 2 hour breakfast. I guess part of me feels like it shouldn’t take 60 minutes to eat a banana and a small bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, and would appreciate the wisdom of this group. TIA!
anon says
Not saying this is the best strategy, but we just cut them off after a certain point and they’ve learned over time they need to eat or they’ll run out of time. My two are also high sleep-needs, so they get up at 7:30 and we have to leave for school at 8:20, which means whatever they can eat by 8:15 is their breakfast for the day and after that they have to wait for school breakfast at 9:30. Ditto for dinner, we all sit down at 5:30 and they are cut off at 6:15 in order to be in bed at 6:30. We will provide reminders throughout the meal that if they want to eat they need to do it now and will often set a timer at the end so they know it’s almost time to move on to whatever is next.
In our case, my kids are growing steadily on their curves and don’t have blood sugar issues or anything, so if they don’t eat more than a few bites of a meal we don’t worry about it. When they’re actually hungry they will steadily put food in their mouth, but when they’re only a little bit hungry they’ll eat a couple bits and chatter and look around and we just let that happen.
Anonymous says
This sounds like it could be a symptom of ADHD. Obviously age 2.5 is much, much too early to be thinking about ADHD, but it’s worth keeping in the back of your head in case other signs appear in a few years.
Realist says
I borrow a strategy from a previous daycare. When there has been a reasonable amount of time for the meal but they are still eating, I set a timer for “quiet eating time” for 5 minutes. You must do nothing but eat during that time. No sound effects, dancing, talking, etc. Just sit quietly and focus on finishing your meal. The meal is over when the timer goes off. If you are full and done before the timer, that is fine. If you start doing something besides eating and break the rules (start singing or whatever), then you are also done with the meal and no more food.
For CPA Lady if you see this says
If you see this, I wanted to respond to your post last week…
I Left public accounting myself this summer after a horrible busy season that was the culmination of realizing that my advisors and partners weren’t hearing what I had been saying I wanted from my career for the last 2 years. I was white knuckling it through March and barely made it through April. I could not bring myself to care, and every task added to my plate would send me into a cycle of rage, annoyance and fustration. I thought I wouldnt be ready to leave public until October. But in june and july the thought of the next busy season and being a manager would send me into near anxiety and panic attacks. I left in August, just a week after my promotion to manager went into effect and my crappy bonus hit my bank account. (10% raise to just over 90k for manager promo and a 4k bonus after a year the firm made a killing and i knocked it out of the park on clients? Next tier after B4 and a hcol city) I could have gone for a higher title and more pay than what I ended up taking. What I did get was more money to be an analyst than I was going to get as a manager at my firm, and my life back.
My job just wrapped up year end. I worked through the holiday last week and a weekend. I took a long weekend this weekend and taking off this week to make up the extra days I worked.
If you’re excited about this new job great, and the pay raise sounds great! If public accounting is still the right choice for you, awesome! Theres alot of great things about working in PA and it can be really fulfilling work. But it can be brutal and stop being the right fit for you, even when your firm is great and overall a positive place to be like mine generally was.
I was feeling the same pressure of How Things Are Done in This Industry when I was trying to leave my job. The pressure to stay is intense. The wisest advice and what I told myself to get through those last few months was that no one else except for me knows what’s best for me or my career. You need to put yourself first. And if thats having an honest conversation with someone at your job and turning in your notice before or during busy season, then you do that.
What happiness and mental wellbeing are you willing to sacrific for other peoples opinions? To me three more months of toxicity, stress and maybe someone not bad mouthing yourr choices at the next happy hour does not sound worth it…
I left in the summer, in the off season, with 2 weeks notice and I still had the partner I worked closely with for 4 years tell me I was making a mistake by leaving. Look out for yourself first. In the meantime – mentally move on from your job until you do leave and therapy if you are able to.
Anonymous says
I had two rounds of interviews over the summer for an internal (same org but different unit) position I was really excited about. I thought the interviews went well, and the hiring manager said she’d be in touch soon to schedule the final round. Then I never heard from her so I just assumed I didn’t get the job. Well, surprise! She just reached out to schedule the final round interview. But I don’t think I want to proceed anymore for two reasons: For one, in the intervening time, I got a new manager and he and I have really clicked. The problems with my job and the unit I work for persist, but life is much more tolerable with a manager who has your back and I’m hesitant to leave a good manager for an unknown one. The second reason and the reason I’m asking advice here instead of the main page, is that my childcare is more unreliable than ever before (today is my 10th day of daycare being open since the week before Thanksgiving), and I really just don’t see how I can learn the ropes and give the new job the attention it deserves when I barely have childcare.
I’m obviously not going to share the first reason with her, but would you share the second? Or would you just say a vague “My circumstances have changed, and I’m no longer interested in pursuing this opportunity”? I know being vague is usually the standard advice in situations like this, but part of me thinks employers really need to start hearing about how pandemic daycare and school closures are costing them valuable employees.
Anonymous says
I’d only mention the second reason if it is truly the dealbreaker — if she said, “we understand and would be totally willing to work with you and here is how we’d do it…” what would you do then? would you move forward or would you still be saying no?
Anon says
I’d go through with the next interview and then make a decision after that. I don’t see a downside to getting one more interview’s worth of information before making your decision. And then if you get offered the job and need to decline it, you don’t have to give any reason at all if you don’t want to.
Anon says
For an internal role, you may want to ask a trusted advisor. In most places I’ve worked, if you apply for an internal role, you are 100% expected to take it if you are offered. You can negotiate, sure, but they understanding is that you’ll take it in the end.
In response to her question about the final interview – I’d reply “Excited to chat, my availability is X. As an aside, I’ve had some changes in my personal circumstances over the last few months and would like to talk through them with you. Do you anticipate enough time in this meeting, or should I schedule a separate discussion?”
Then you can talk about childcare issues. Just explain that your childcare has been unreliable for the last few months – you’re working through it as best you can, but as you’re sure she’s heard from other parents, options are still limited right now and sometimes you [have to put in hours at nighttime/are working with a toddler at home, which means you have to ruthlessly prioritize/can’t make scheduled mandatory meetings/etc]. You normally like to hit the ground running at full speed on new roles, but in this case your attention might be divided for the next several months. What are her thoughts on how that will impact the transition timeline? How has her team addressed similar issues with others? Etc.
You’ll get good info on whether it truly is a dealbreaker for you and how understanding she’ll be, and she’ll get the info needed to take you out of the running herself if she’s worried. But you’ve done it in a clear and professional way, without burning any bridges or raising any internal flags.
Anonymous says
What did your toddler transition to from milk bottles? I’d ideally like something non plastic but haven’t found one that seems good for milk. We’re using contigo metal for water but I don’t know how that would work for milk since I don’t clean the straw that much admittedly…
Anonymous says
Thermos Funtainer. Cleans up well in the dishwasher, straws are replaceable.
Anon says
+ 1 we only use for water but the straw and spout are super wide compared to other bottles so it’s easier to clean.
Anonymous says
Take n’toss straw cups. Yes, plastic, but my kid couldn’t figure out straws with valves. The straws are very easy to clean.
anon says
Same, take n’ toss or the munchking 360 cups. We use metal for water (kids Yeti – super easy, it can all go in the dishwasher. Heavy, but so far holds up well). But, for the transition period, the take n’toss don’t worry me too much. Later, I’ll do what I do for the 4yo – he gets a Munchkin Splash Toddler Cups with Training Lids. I highly recommend AVOIDING Munchkin Click Lock Weighted Flexi-Straw Cup – I had them leak, found them hard to clean and assemble, etc. etc. But mainly the leaking ughhh.
Straw cups says
Same. We like these a lot and you can buy replacement silicone straws for them online, which has been helpful since our kid likes to chew the plastic ones.
anon says
Take n’toss as well, until my kids figured out how to drink from open cups ~2.5.
Anonymous says
Munchkin 360 stainless, although you’d need to be ok with the plastic in one of the top pieces.
Anon says
We use the Munchkin stainless 360 or the Think baby straw cup. The think baby straw isn’t terrible to clean but I agree, straws are gross and annoying to clean. Pura kiki is stainless, if you don’t mind a soft spout. My kid bites them off.
Anon says
We use the Avanchy silicone straw cups and EZPZ mini cup as an open cup (but it looks like they have a straw lid too).