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My sister-in-law has the best taste in kids’ clothes, and my son is the very lucky recipient of his hand-me-downs (or should I say, my husband and I are, as she has saved us so much money). My mom and mother-in-law would always talk about how “back in the day” (aka when they were raising kids) it was so hard to find cute clothes for little boys. Now I think there are TONS of cute things for boys, but my absolute favorite place to shop if I want to SPLURGE is Miki Miette, which I found through my sister-in-law. Each season, I try to buy my son at least one thing (or more, if I catch a sale), from this brand. I put him in it when I know he’ll see a lot of friends and relatives, or for a special-ish occasion, because he looks so darn cute in it… and then when he’s about to outgrow it or the season is about to change, he basically will wear it every day. Haha. A bonus is that the material is incredibly soft, so I know he will look adorable and also be comfortable. This shirt is $39 and is available in sizes 3M–8Y. Manu Pullover Onward
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Cb says
Are your kids participating in climate strikes today? Schools in my city just allowed everyone off today and we’ve had a steady stream underneath our office window for the last 45 minutes. Our nursery is right on the march route so I suspect naptime was a wash with all the music and excitement.
Anon says
I think it’s a bigger thing in Europe than in the US but I could be wrong about that. Our local public schools have a few kids that are participating but it’s not a huge event.
GCA says
Most Boston-area public school systems are allowing students to participate with a parents’ note to excuse their absence!
Anonymous says
NYC schools are allowing kids but not teachers to participate. My son’s elementary school is doing some related activities; I think 2nd graders are making posters about conservation and walking around the block.
Anonymous says
Ok, so my mom just sprung on me that she is moving from 2 hours to 1.5 miles away. In a month. This is a complete mixed bag: on one hand, she’s great with my kids and it will be nice to have another local set of hands. On the other hand, we don’t get along and she is now 100% in my bubble- same town, already asking for help with 483749275 things and she’s not even here yet, already planning to come over “just to pop by” etc.
I know that this is overall a good thing, but I’m hoping y’all can help me think about some of the “good” that helps outweigh the known, which is that she will be constantly in my business, in my kids business, we will be constantly asked for help/favors (already: needs help picking up random junk she found on curb alert, wants my DH to move around stuff in the house she’s renting before she moves in, wants DH to sign up to come over and shovel her driveway all winter, wants DH to paint her bedroom, etc).
The good:
-help with childcare- date nights, weekends, maybe the occasional sick day as her work schedule is fairly flexible.
– easy one night sleepover visits withy kids (now they go for a few days at a time)
– when we visit it doesn’t have to be her staying at my house for 2-3 days
-when my siblings visit, they can stay with her and swing by to see my kids vs having to move into my house for a while
– more grandkid time, of which she can’t get enough. I have 3 so she can have as much as she wants ;) (I’m the only one of my siblings with kids and it will be that way forever).
What else? The other side of my pro/con list is a lot longer right now as she currently lived near my (single, handy, 37 year old) brother and he does a TON for her. My DH is super handy but also super busy and we outsource 99% of home chores. Mom can not afford that. I suppose we will just send over a handyman but…she’ll feel slighted.
Anon says
Who cares if she feels slighted? Sending her a handyman is a huge favor.
My parents are moving 0.8 miles away from me next year. We get along pretty well, although they can be a bit overbearing. I’m pumped for all the childcare help, free babysitting for weeknights/vacations, not having to use precious PTO to visit them, not hosting them in my house when they visit, and for my kids to have a close relationship with them, which I never had with any grandparents. I think most of those things were already on your list, but they are huge pros imo.
Anonymous says
Oh and before you think I’m being a (really) huge brat, the other thing is that her new place is super temporary and she doesn’t have a clear plan for after. So I’m 90% sure she will push hard to move in with me which is a hard hard no. We have space but it is not for permanent house guests.
anne-on says
Is the issue for her housing finances or inclination (I WANT to/Expect to live with you vs. I don’t have enough money to pay for my own housing)? I’d address those in vastly different ways, but being crystal clear on boundaries and expectations to start can help. Good luck! We have no local family and ‘buy’ all of our help (sitters/camps/au pair) so even though I have a very fraught relationship with my parents I’m jealous in a way ;)
Anonymous says
Well, both? we live in a. Very expensive suburban town. She can’t afford to live here, full stop. She has some back channel deal with an ex high school boyfriend’s kid who lives in my town but is going overseas for a year. She’s basically paying carrying costs on their place and playing groundskeeper. They will be ex back, though, and she’s back to living nowhere. She owns a condo one state over and has put it on the market (! Also news to me).
But there just aren’t places to live in my town/immediate area for 65 year old single women, so she’d have to be looking a few towns over for apartments etc. even then, they are out of her price range for what she wants (2BR, garage). She could find something in her price range maybe an hour away. At which point why? Then she’s in the middle of nowhere vs her home state (my brother and her siblings all live there) or us.
Anon says
She’s a grown woman and this is on her. You are not responsible for her unilateral decisions.
Address this with her NOW. Just tell her that while she isn’t sure of her plans, it is on her to make sure this is affordable and living with you is not an option.
rosiee says
So she is going to be living somewhere because she’s the groundskeeper but is planning to have your husband do all the house/yard stuff? Boundaries.
blueberries says
Set boundaries, now, before she moves so you don’t end up hating her a lot.
-Don’t do for her what you’re not doing for yourselves (do you have time to get free stuff from around town?)
-decide what services you’re willing to pay for for a little bit and indefinitely
-shut down that popping by if you don’t like it
-tell her these boundaries clearly asap
-she lost any right to not have her feathers ruffled when she informed you (didn’t ask!) that she was moving to your town shortly and had a ton of expectations for you
CPA Lady says
Completely agree. My difficult but helpful mom also moved very close to me from several states away earlier this year. Up front boundaries were KEY. Temporary discomfort for long term gain. The podcast “Spiritualish” had a five part series on boundaries that you might find helpful if you don’t know how to set boundaries.
I think we get into this head-space that because “it’s family” people are allowed to treat us any way they want. Nope. The earlier you can set ground rules the better.
I will go out of my way for friends and family, and definitely will do almost anything I can in an emergency situation, but I will not completely disrupt my busy life to keep my retired(!!!) mom from being inconvenienced. And she knows that and is good with it. We had a few incidents of her testing the water (e.g.the time she was flying in from a vacation and expected me to pick her up from the airport at 2 a.m. on a weekday- haha, no, you picked that flight, you can drive yourself home), but I think we’re both happy with the arrangement as it stands.
If you’re feeling resentful, that’s a sure sign that you don’t have appropriate boundaries in place.
LadyNFS says
Second this re: not asking. My in-laws, with whom we already have a fraught relationship, abruptly announced that they were moving to our city from several states away (granted, they have more than 1 child here, though we have the only grandchild). A year later, they announced that they were moving to our neighborhood within said city, appox. 1 mile away from our home and slightly further away from their other children. Thus far, other than not having their unannounced visits for days at a time, during which we were expected to drop everything, not much has changed. We took the position that since they did not discuss their moves with us beforehand (which, admittedly, they did not technically need to do, I suppose, as we are all adults and they can live wherever they please), they cannot have any expectations re: living near us. We didn’t specifically discuss it with them, but we decided ourselves to have firm boundaries, and as a result, we probably see them once every 4-6 weeks for a few hours at a time. We politely decline their repeated requests to babysit because we’d rather use our non-toxic paid help or my local family. It’s actually worked out better than when they lived far away, because we would end up with these lengthy, extended visits, and now we don’t get any attempted guilt trips for failing to visit them in their former home state. Your relationship with your mother sounds much better than this, so figure out your boundaries early on, and stick to them. You can communicate them to your mother as they arise, since again, she didn’t discuss this with you when making her decision and can’t really “hold” you to any expectation.
Anonymous says
Congrats! Your mom is giving you an opportunity to learn how to say no.
IHeartBacon says
Ha! So true.
ElisaR says
just another thought – i’m lucky to still have both of my parents, but I have friends that would give anything to have their mom close again. Parents are older…. they won’t be around forever. Try to enjoy it and think of the benefits your children can get from a close relationship with the older generation. (and of course create appropriate boundaries to keep your sanity).
My parents live 2 miles away from me. They are 73 years old and I have never been asked to do anything besides pick up their mail when they travel…. a handyman can help with your mom’s needs and if she feels slighted that is on her.
Sarabeth says
I get the complexities here! I think one strategy that might help is to set up a structured schedule up front. Does she want to hang with each kid once/week after school? Host a regular Friday sleepover? Come over for dinner every other Sunday? Brainstorm stuff that works for you and be proactive about setting it up. In your shoes, I’d build in lots of opportunities for her to see my kids without me having to be there. I’d also probably try to have those take place in her house as much as possible, to minimize the dilemma of overstaying her welcome.
For handyman stuff, if she can’t appreciate you sending someone over to help, that’s on her.
So Anon says
This is my strategy! My mom lives close-by and we have a set schedule. She picks the kids up every Friday from school. She and I have coffee once per week at Starbucks to catch up. In addition, at least once per month, she makes dinner at her house on a Sunday afternoon and we go over to her place.
I am newly on team “All Boundaries. All the Time.” With a local mom who is not great with boundaries, and an EX who does not understand boundaries at all, it has been a big but very necessary change in my life. I find that I need to state things very clearly. For example: it’s not ok to just pop-by the house. Do not share information about me with my ex when you see him at the grocery store (this has led to an information diet for my mom on some things). No, I do not want even one glass of wine before getting behind the wheel. Start early and often to save yourself in the long run.
IHeartBacon says
This is such a great idea to set up a schedule.
AnotherAnon says
My mom has slightly better boundaries and planning skills than your mom, but I’m in a similar situation. Last year she moved from 4 hours away to 8 miles away for her job. She drives me bonkers, but it is great to have someone who can help you out with childcare for date night. Also my kid majorly loves her and asks to spend the night all the time. Second the boundaries advice above: make it clear she will not be moving in with you when this fizzles out. Try to find someone who can be a listening ear for all your frustrations about her, and then keep reminding yourself of the positives. Seems like this will be a short-term situation. Good luck!
Ms B says
Please keep the replies coming on this; I have a similar situation on hand, although my parents have been threatening their move from halfway across the county for over 18 months and just now are starting actually to take steps for that to happen. My parents can afford a reasonable home not far from us and I actually expect that my dad will be looking for projects to do at OUR house, just to get him away from my mom (which is how my parents have stayed married over 50 years), but it already is clear that they have very different expectations about how this will play out than we do.
We have boundaries in place, but having them 1000 miles closer involves a whole different set of issues than dealing with visits once or twice a year. Advice definitely is welcome!
Moms man says
Boundaries! My situation is different becuase my mom actually lives with us, but be clear about what you can and can’t do. Discuss with your spouse first, then present a united front.
My husband is extremely handy, but we don’t have time for big projects. Just be upfront. “Paint the room? We don’t even have time/energy to [thing you outsource] anymore! I can help you find a handyman though. My treat as a housewarming gift.”
Do you want drop bys or no? If you don’t, “hey just let me know when you want to come by.” Straight forward and kind always. Managing her feelings is not something you can do. If she feels slighted that’s okay.
Ultimately though, it is so wonderful to have her around.
Nan says
FWIW, my relationship with my mom improved immensely when I moved closer and no longer had to stay in her house for days at a time just to visit. It’s so much nicer to be able to see parents and then go back to your own living space.
Anon says
Yes, this! I love my parents but want to kill them after visiting with them for two days straight. Seeing them weekly, or even a couple times a week for a couple hours at a time sounds much better to me.
Anon says
This – my inlaws are local (~20 minutes) and can be difficult, so we often meet them out places because then we can just leave (vs. feeling like a hostage in their house or rude to kick them out of our house, which, don’t get me wrong, I’ve done when they overstayed our welcome (kids are great for creating excuses), but easier to just ask for the check and go).
Emily S. says
Boundaries but also flexibility to change. My in-laws moved from an 8 hour drive to a 10 minute drive when we had our first kid. DH and I thought long and hard about what boundaries were set in stone, what were flexible, how often they would see us, etc., and after 4 years, it’s changed a lot. When they see us is much more fluid. I didn’t want them to have a key until I lost my key at a kids’ birthday party and had to call them to let us in the house bc DH was out of town. Our lives have changed (2 kids now, and FIL has since retired), so the boundaries have changed. So, be open to the possibility that while a rigid schedule might work for some families, it doesn’t for others. Clear communication, honesty, and quick responses are key factors in this relationship that should never change, thou (from my perspective.) For example, FIL would have my kids at his house all day every day if he could. I used to waffle on the invite and maybe not text back for a few hours or say, “we’ll see about next weekend,” but I’ve learned it leads to confusion, hurt feelings, and on my part, more emotional work of decision making and communicating. So now I respond right away with an enthusiastic “yes” or “no that doesn’t work for us today.” I hope this is overall a positive change for your family!
Also, for your specific situation, how much is your brother wiling to help? Could he make the drive every few weeks to spend time with mom or do chores? Don’t write him off unless and until you’ve had conversations with him and your mom (individually and as a group so there’s no hiding or misunderstanding.)
anon says
My in-laws are local, and we get along well. With respect to boundaries, we have all agreed to a guiding principle–“You can ask, as long as you’re OK with me saying ‘No.'” So, if FIL calls and wants to stop by on his way home from work, sometimes it’s a good time (maybe even a great time, if he can distract Kid while we get dinner ready), and sometimes it’s not. If in-laws ask for a ride to the airport right after we drop Kid off at daycare (near their house), it’ll probably work, but picking them up in the middle of the bedtime routine is a no-go. Similarly, we could call today and ask if they could babysit on Sunday night, and they wouldn’t feel obligated to rearrange their whole life, and we wouldn’t be upset if they said “no” (FYI, they probably wouldn’t do it because they’re as busy as we are, but they wouldn’t be upset we asked).
Where sh*t goes wrong is when one side makes requests and then feels slighted when the other side says “no.” The requests may be ridiculous (repaint my house for me) or may seem like no big deal (pick up some stuff on the curb), but there’s no real way to appreciate how much even a minor request is going to stress out another person when you don’t know the details of their schedule and what they’re already dealing with.
Anon says
Any other suggestions for great boy clothes? We have family pictures coming up and am looking to get something new for my three boys (ages 6, 3 and 1). Thanks!
AwayEmily says
Not a specific suggestion but when we did our family photos a few months ago, I dressed my then 16-month-old in a button-down shirt — it was cute but now looking at the photos I wish I’d chosen something a little more fitted that showed off his adorable toddler belly, since it is one of my favorite parts of him.
Ms B says
I heart the boy clothes at Janie & Jack. Overpriced, but the cuteness factor is high.
Anon says
I was just looking online at lord and Taylor for my girls and saw nothing i liked but sooo many cute boy outfits. Old Navy has a family matching page which can make this easy
lsw says
My favorite brand for my son is Mayoral.
Anonymous says
I have always had luck with The Gap, and second hand stores like Kid 2 Kid for basics for photos. You could also try contacting a local photographer who offers a “wardrobe option” to rent. The last kids photo session we did offered the wardrobe option so I didn’t have to buy and the clothes were super adorable and really fit the style the photographer used. She care rolling out with an entire cart of various sizes and we got to try on before the photos. Like glamour shots for kids ha.
shortperson says
zara has some great options for photos
Anon says
Primary has similar striped sweaters at a slightly lower price point ($25 full price, but they have sales/rewards program).
Anon says
Did a pregnancy test “for fun” this morning (we did it once this month, way too late, but I was more than a few days late so I thought why not) and apparently that time was the charm (and I must ovulate later than I thought I do which explains why the past 9 months of trying for number two were wholly unsuccessful). Just called my OB to get in to confirm next week, but man am I excited (and scared and nervous and freaking out about my not wholly irrational fear of miscarriage and whether I’m going to a be a repeat 9 months of HG). I thought the second time would be less worrying, but I’m almost more worried, maybe because I am better informed? I have so much to do today at work and I am so distracted!
ElisaR says
congratulations, what a fun and exciting development!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Congrats! Sorry to hear about the HG, hopefully you don’t get that again. And FWIW, my second pregnancy felt like it went by a lot faster and I had less time to worry because most of my time was taken up with either work or a very active, emotional toddler. So, there’s that :)
anne-on says
Congratulations!! Also, if you know you get HG (and I did as well) I’d be proactive with getting on meds/talking about those options sooner rather than later. I could soldier through with just me/work/pets to deal with but I’d imagine it will be much harder to deal with how incapacitated you are if you already have a child. I’d also prep your partner that if you have HG again they will need to step up A LOT and maybe also think about child care if you simply can’t deal with the evening routine some nights?
OP says
Thanks and agreed. Diclegis was my saving grace last time and it took forever to fight it out with my insurance company to get on it. I asked DH when he remembered it starting to get really bad, and I think it was around week 6 or 7, so here’s hoping.
rosie says
Diclegis is now available as a generic. I had a difficult time getting it last pregnancy — had to show that I tried Unisom & B6 already, lots of back and forth with my dr office/insurance/pharmacy — and this time it was no issues and a $10 copay. Hope if you need to get it, you will have a similarly easier experience. And congrats!
Anonymous says
It’s covered better by insurance now! My OB told me this and mine was fully covered.
OP says
Good to know, thanks! I couldn’t take the unisom last time because it would knock me out for 12+ hours (and I can’t be unreachable for 12+ hours for my job – as it is I wake up to boatloads of emails at 8 hours), but something about the extended release in the prescription form made it OK.
IHeartBacon says
Congrats! ???
Anonymous says
Congratulations! I was more worried at the beginning of my second pregnancy as well. I took a deep dive into statistics about miscarriages and the “1 in 4” stat does not apply if you had a previous live birth. There’s also stats out there on the very low miscarriage rate for multiparous women and seeing babies heartbeat. I’m an information is power person so all this comforted me.
Anon says
That’s interesting, because most of the women I know who’ve had miscarriages have had previous live births. Among my friends it seems to be the most common between the first and second child. My MIL also had two between my husband and his sister. I realize that’s not a lot of data, but the stat is surprising to me based on my anecdotal experience.
OP says
I’m higher risk due to some clotting factors, and my mom had two between me (1st kid) and next sister (2nd kid), but then none between 2 and 3. She also went on hormonal birth control between 1 and 2, which isn’t advised nowadays with the clotting issues we have, so that likely contributed, but it makes me irrationally (rationally?) worried. My (laissez faire French) OB (who I adore) is sort of like, eh, you can’t really prevent it outside of the things you would do to normally take care of yourself, so don’t worry about it, but I am by nature a worrier.
Labor Partner says
What info or advice would you give someone’s birth partner?
Our third kid is going to be induced on Monday and my husband is wondering if he can drop me at the hospital and take the kids to school. I thought he would stay with me until the baby was born, but then he asked what he was going to do there and I was kind of at a loss. For reference first two kids came super fast (one emergency c-section, the second came thirty minutes after we arrived at the hospital after I labored at home while partner slept) so my husband doesn’t have a lot of reference on his role during a longer hospital labor. Plus his father was sailing when he was born so I’m sure he has some archaic image in his head that the father paces the waiting room while the wife labors by herself with the nurses and doctors. I would love to give husband some concrete suggestions on how to be helpful and supportive or some articles to read – he does better when he knows what is expected of him. How was your partner helpful during labor?
Anonymous says
No no no! First of all the hospital may not start your induction if your partner is not there. Obviously in emergency situations they will but since this is scheduled they may not. Secondly, if you had a fast birth before your induction could go quickly. Really it probably will go quickly. Those 24-36hr inductions are usually first time moms. Not all inductions are long, especially for third time moms. Or what if they do start the induction and you need an emergency c-section right away?
To answer your question, my partner didn’t do much until I was in transition both times. After 5-6 cm I had some back rubs to speed things up. He gave me sips of water (bring a water bottle with a straw). He went out to get water and jello. During transition he get me wet washcloths for my neck cause I get really hot, then held my hand and counted through contractions with me. Then yelled for nurses both times when baby started flying out.
Annie says
OMG no. You need a patient advocate and if it’s not going to be your husband you need to line someone else up (family, friend, doula). It may all be fine, but what if it isn’t? Someone has to yell for a nurse, ask questions of a doctor, etc.
Anonymous says
No stop it come on how much are you going to coddle him.
“After you drop the kids off you’re coming to the hospital. I don’t know what you’ll be doing except being there supporting me during labor. Which is 100% a thing you must do and I can’t believe you’re even asking me this.”
CCLA says
Unless he’ll be gone for an hour or so right after dropping you off and not much more,I’d nix that if you have a good other option for getting the kids to school. Things can change so quickly in labor, though with an induction you should have some time before things start to get moving. DH spent both of my labors in the hospital for hours (24 and 14) with me and honestly, we both slept (yay epidural) most of the time. When we weren’t sleeping, we played cards, talked, took walks around the ward before the epidural. It was nice to have someone there to pass the time, and more importantly it was calming for me to have him by my side. If you’re not getting an epidural, I would imagine there is a lot more active support he could give you like massage etc. He also handled any requests I had that didn’t need a nurse.
Anonymous says
He wasn’t. And that is no knock on him at all. I love him dearly. The best thing we did during my third birth was get a doula. It helped my husband be calm without yelling at all the doctors and nurses to get me drugs, and helped me not be bitey with him for touching me or talking to me wrong. His job was to drive to the hospital, which he did really well and it involved a lot of speeding, then cut the cord when it was all done. What role do you want your husband to play in the labor?
Anon says
Yeah, seconding that inductions can be very fast. Mine was less than 12 hours start to finish and I was a first time mom with a Bishop score of 0 (my OB described my cervix as Fort Knox). It will typically go fast for a third time mom, especially if you’ve had fast births before. I’d be surprised if you don’t have a baby in your arms in 4-6 hours.
My husband wasn’t very helpful during the pushing phase – I remember getting really mad at him because I felt like he wasn’t encouraging me (he says he said something and I yelled at him to shut up – I honestly have no memory of this but assume his relocation is more accurate than mine). He also took a nap in labor, which I remember being kind of annoyed about even though I had an epidural and was comfortable. But overall I was so glad he was there. He was a big source of support early on when we were discussing the plan with the doctor, and the on-call doctor surprised me with a different induction plan than my OB and I had talked about. And I can’t imagine him not being there for the actual birth. He saw our daughter come out, which pre-birth I would have told you was never happening, but both he and I are so glad he witnessed it.
Anonymous says
My DH took a nap during my 6 hour labor, only 4hrs at the hospital. I can’t even. I mean there’s nothing he could do and I wasn’t in a ton of pain yet, but seriously.
Anonymous says
I was induced with #2. They started the IV if fluids at 8am, the pitocin around 9 and the baby was born at noon. The last hour was the real laboring.
I would say DH can drop you at the *hisptial* then take the kids to school and come back. There’s at least an hour of paperwork/cervical inspection/setting up.
anon says
I was induced with baby #1 after my water broke. I only labored for 4.5 hours. (Admittedly, baby was premature, and I’d been on bed rest a month because I was already effaced and dilated at 31 weeks.) It goes fast. My husband hadn’t done much to prepare beforehand, but he showed me videos and kept me calm while we waited for the Pitocin to kick in, held my hand during labor, and did some skin-to-skin contact with the baby while the doctor stitched up a tear. (I got a few minutes of skin-to-skin contact before the umbilical cord was cut but was worried I was going to drop the baby during the stitches because that part hurts.)
Anonymous says
Just chiming in that my induction took 5 hours (first time mom).
Anon says
I… question the wisdom of missing a child’s birth, or really hurting your partner emotionally (who has been the one with the baby inside of her for nine months), because you, um, (checks notes, rechecks notes) want to take the kid to school?
Seriously, get a family friend to do that. His butt needs to be parked next to you. After nine months, that’s not negotiable.
OP says
Thanks for all this! A lot of these stories made ma laugh out loud. I guess I don’t really know what I want him to do- I don’t have a birth plan or anything and I don’t like being fussed over- I just have a vague feeling he ought to be there. After our talk last night, he spent the day at work today googling “birth partner”, so guess it is sweet that he is trying to figure it out too.
Irish Midori says
It’s okay not to be logical about this. I tried to be a hero with my first, and told husband “sure, go on to work” while I was STILL IN THE DELIVERY ROOM, because, logically, there was nothing for him to do. But I’ve regretted that ever since and plan to give myself permission to be “high maintenance” this time around. You tell him, look, maybe it’s not rational, but birth is important and stressful, and I really want you to be there just to be there.
Anonymous says
Ok I am taking a deep breath and hoping this doesn’t spark drama. I would like to hear from those that have had experience with their own kids or acquaintances not just peoples opinions. My son is 3 turning 4 in December. If we lived in our prior school district, the age cutoff would be December 31 and he would start Kindergarten next year. We have moved to an area where the cutoff is September 1, so he is scheduled to start Kinder in 2 years. He is extremely verbal and social for his age though I’ve not had a formal assessment. His preschool has a private kindergarten program and the teacher there says he is ready for kindergarten next year. His pediatrician recommended school psychologist testing but the public school system we are in doesn’t offer it until first grade. Basically we could put him in private kinder next year and then “test” him in to first grade the following year. For any moms that are into MBTI, he is my ESTJ child. Conscientious, responsible, outgoing, extremely verbal and logical. That said, he may not be emotionally ready. He wants to learn quickly and when he doesn’t, he gets angry at himself and others. My FILs opinion is that boys are not as mature, so why not just wait and let him mature. Thoughts?
shortperson says
we just pushed our daughter ahead and she is super excited and ready for K academically and emotionally (although not prepared on how to deal w mean girl behavior). i think it was the right choice for her, and she was totally on board. but in a private school that allows it, she is the youngest in her class by quite a bit with a bday that misses the [public school cutoff by a few weeks. so be forewarned he will likely be the youngest by a lot. my kid does not like being the youngest but she prefers it to doing another year of preschool and doing K next year. she experienced some bullying at the beginning with kids telling her she should be in TK although it has waned.
Anonymous says
Wait. Not even a question. He’s not even close to the cut off. If you push to start him early he will always be much younger than his peers. Do the private k program if you want, and then put him in public k. If it turns out that your child is one of the tiny tiny percentage of truly gifted children who cannot be served in their age assigned classroom, he can skip a year. But he probably isn’t.
Anonymous says
Misunderstanding? He will be 3 months younger than the cutoff if we push him. Cutoff is September 1. His birthday is December 1.
Anonymous says
No I understood that. I think that is not even close.
anon says
Yeah, 3 months is actually missing the cutoff by a lot. I would not send him to kindergarten early.
Anonymous says
100%. 3 months in 4/5/6 year old world is really a lot.
Let me put it to you this way – my youngest is a December baby. Prior to my oldest (3 year gap) starting school, I was really sad she was a December baby and wouldn’t start kinder until she was nearly 6, and, gah, what would she do in pre-K an extra year, etc. etc. (For reference, my oldest is a March baby, so there was no question in my mind that she would just start at 5… but read on). Honestly, now that we’re into school (1st grade now), I may have held back my oldest and I definitely will not push forward my youngest. And they are smart, verbal, girls (which most people will tell you mature faster than boys at this age). (1) School is very different now than when we were young, and (2) all of your child’s peers will be a year to potentially 2 older than them. Do not do this to your child. Unless you’re raising Doogie Howser (in which case, don’t even send them to regular school frankly), just send them when the district says.
RR says
But remember that 3 months younger than the cutoff makes him 15+ months younger than some of his peers.
Anon says
More than that – a lot of boys with summer birthdays are held back, so he’d be ~18 months younger than some kids.
AwayEmily says
I don’t understand the question. Just keep him in his preschool (or “private kindergarten” or whatever you want to call it, I can’t imagine it’s really that different) until he’s old enough for public school. You can decide at that point (which, if I’m reading this right, is two years away) whether you want to “test him in” to a higher grade (which sounds kinda silly to me if we’re talking about five-year-olds but whatevs). Is there a decision you have to make now? Aren’t you just continuing to send him to the same place?
Anonymous says
You’re convinced your child who is currently three is just too smart to go to kindergarten like a normal child. I think that is silly
Anonymous says
I tested as off-the-charts gifted as a child and am very glad my parents didn’t let me skip a grade. I wasn’t emotionally ready for college until I was 18, even though I was capable of learning calculus in middle school. School isn’t really about academics until middle school, and by then the classes are differentiated and there are accelerated tracks for gifted kids. So far it appears that my preschooler is also gifted (although I realize gifted testing is somewhat controversial at this age), and she will be starting school on schedule at 5.5. There’s no way I would push to start hear early, even if she’d been the oldest and would have been starting K at almost 6.
OP says
This – my parents switched me into a more difficult private school in 2nd grade rather than let me skip grades. My aunt skipped multiple grades and it really messed her up from an emotional and social perspective. DD seems to be as smart as, if not smarter than me, and I test at the genius level, which scares the bleep out of me for her, but I would never let her skip grades.
Anon says
Obviously not the OP – form problem.
Anonymous says
Idk why you’re insistent on jumping the gun. She doesn’t have to skip multiple grades. You’re essentially pushing to skip one at the start anyway.
avocado says
There are not always accelerated tracks for gifted kids in middle school.
Anonymous says
Well then you need to find another school. But that’s a bridge you cross later, when your kid is well into elementary school and still far ahead of their peers. At 3 years old, the line between precocious and gifted is very blurry, if discernible at all, and numerous experts have told me it tends to even out with many precocious three year olds being developmentally typical by 1st-2nd grade.
Anonymous says
Counterpoint, I skipped a grade and it was fine. It probably helped that my district also had a good gifted program, so I found my tribe there. I wasn’t one of the popular kids, but I had friends, and any social issues were more related to having an obnoxious know-it-all personality than being younger. I got a reset when my family moved after 6th grade, and middle and high school were no more or less scarring than for anyone the “right” age for their grade. I do think I could have used a gap year before starting college, but I still turned out ok.
To me skipping a grade is different than starting K early. First of all, the kid is old enough to test, secondly, they’ve already been observed in a traditional academic environment. K is always going to be an adjustment year, so adding potential age-related social and behavior challenges is a lot. It’s also worth mentioning that there are a lot of other and better ways to serve very smart kids than just advancing them in the same school curriculum designed to make very excellent sheep.
So Anon says
I would trust the teacher’s recommendation. The teacher sees kids in this age range every day and has a better pulse of where your child falls than most others. My youngest is very close to the cut-off, and I realized that either she was going to be the youngest or the oldest in her grade. Both come with challenges. For the oldest, they will be the first to get licenses, hit 18 etc. I was always one of the youngest in my classes and I did not have age-based challenges in school, college or law school. My daughter is thriving as a young 1st grader.
Anonymous says
He won’t even be close to the oldest starting normally.
Anonymous says
I think it’s much more of a toss-up when kids are on the border. He’s not; he’s 3 months from the cutoff and many boys are held back, he will be squarely in the middle age-wise (especially for a boy) if he starts at the normal time.
anon says
Right, exactly. So why send him early?
Anonymous says
My fall girl missed the cutoff by 8 days. We considered private K. We ended up not, and she started K this year and is just in such a better place.
She could have done it last year, but she is killing it in K this year. The extra year was great.
With boys, I think you have to think carefully before pushing. In my area, the cutoff is 9/31. Many parents of mid/late summer boys hold the kids back. So if your son were in my district, he’d be 18+ months younger than some of the other boys in his class. We have friends that sent their (very ready!) July boy on time and are having a tough time now that he is in 3rd grade. His peer boys act much older because they ARE older. He is acting age appropriate but at least here, the age he is acting is more like a 2nd grader.
I’d ask what the incentive to push him is. If you feel he’s unchallenged, try to find a good PreK or transitional K program.
Anonymous says
I would say also that my girl was academically beyond ready. She was starting to read last year. She started K this year reading like I did in like, 2nd grade. She can write well and do basic math. Four weeks in and she’s perfectly challenged and learning new things. But we are in a very strong school district.
Socially/emotionally, she was perfectly fine last year, but still very…meek? Now she’s confident. Her teacher emailed me out of the blue saying what a lovely kid she is and that she is “always the one I can count on to model the correct / good behavior”.
SC says
Yeah, the fact that the trend is to hold other kids back is a real thing and has downhill effects on kids who are young for their class. DS is 4, and his birthday is in late April. The cutoff at our school is Sept 1, so he’s 4 months away from the cutoff. Last year, he was the youngest in his “3-year-old” room. There were several kids in there who turned 5 before he turned 4. When we started going to 5th birthday parties in the spring, I realized why he was so behind his “peers” verbally, emotionally, socially, athletically, etc. He was a full year younger!
At the school’s recommendation, we held DS back from pre-K this year. So, now he’s the 4-year-old in the 3-year-old room. I dropped him off this morning for the first time in this room (usually DH’s job), and it was clear in less than 5 minutes that he’s bigger and more verbal than many of the kids there–because he’s 6-12 months older.
Anyways, if the trend in your area is also to hold back kids, and especially boys, your son may easily be 12-18 months younger than his peers if you rush him ahead. That will matter when it comes to the ability to adhere to a teacher’s behavioral expectations, for social/peer interactions, and athletic ability (even if he’s not going to play varsity sports, it stinks being the smallest and least coordinated in regular PE and recess).
Everlong says
Thank you. This comment singlehandedly makes me want to stop researching private K for my 2 kids who miss this cutoff by 2 – 4 weeks.
anon says
IMO, having been one of the youngest in my grade, the social/emotional differences really start showing up around 3rd or 4th grade. Your son might be fine for awhile, but eventually being significantly younger than classmates WILL catch up to him.
FWIW, I have a son who is right in the middle of his class, age-wise, but is simultaneously socially immature while being academically ahead of the curve. Trust me, I lose a lot more sleep about the social/emotional piece than whether he’s being adequately challenged in class.
Anonymous says
I have twins who will also be 3 in December and are extremely verbal and social (at their 2.5-year appt our ped said they talk like 4-year-olds). And it’s true that they are much more communicative than all the other 2-year-olds in their daycare class and do a good job interacting with the preK-4 kids on the playground, etc. They also know the alphabet, can spell a few words, and can say what the first letter is of many words. That being said, they are below-average on gross motor skills and low to average on fine motor skills, and I would much rather they hang out in preK longer to get better at those things than be tossed into a more structured education system at 4.75.
Anonymous says
I would wait. The preschool’s K program is unlikely to be exactly the same as the local public school’s (or the school in your former district) – the local school’s curriculum is designed for kids in the age range corresponding to their cutoff date – so just because they think your son is ready for their program doesn’t mean he will be ready for public K. You could certainly do the private K for a year instead of another year of preschool if you think your son would do better in the preschool’s K program, but then I would follow that with public K, not testing to try to get into 1st grade. I doubt your child would think it odd to do “kindergarten” twice at that age. Finally, it doesn’t matter that much. At least in my experience, kindergarten and 1st grade are not that different.
Anonymous says
PS – I say this as someone who is used to NYC public schools, where red shirting is very rare/difficult and the cutoff date is 12/31. The schools are set up to accommodate kids from 4.5-5.5 in K. So that affects my perspective.
AwayEmily says
Just in case anyone else is reading this and thinking “am I the only one with a non-gifted child??”
My 3.5 year old is totally average. No teacher has ever told me (explicitly or implicitly) that she is gifted. The only systematic compliment I have received about my child is “she is very kind to the other kids.” She is 3.5, does not know all her letters, has no idea what most words start with (and is annoyed when I tell her), talks like a 3.5-year-old, and is also a total klutz like her mom. She’s easily distracted, she loves books but would rather watch Daniel Tiger if given the option, and she can’t seem to count past twelve despite months of trying. She is the most amazing kid in the world.
Anon says
Aw I love this! Being kind is so important. My 1.5 year old also seems very average, at least verbally and cognitively. Probably slightly above average on fine motor skills and below average on gross motor (walked at 17 months and still falls down a ton a few months later). I also think she is the best kid ever. I was identified as gifted in K, and not sure it did me any favors in life. Honestly, I think being average intelligence with good social skills and a good work ethic is a lot better for life and career success than being gifted.
Anon says
Replying to myself to add that I also think that how well preschoolers know things like numbers and letters has a lot to do with how much parents emphasize and drill it. My best friend’s 20 month old knows all his letters. Is he very smart? Probably, but his parents also spend many hours every week working on him with it. I taught my kid a couple letters and then gave up because it’s totally boring and I would rather do other things with her. As long as she meets kindergarten readiness standards when she’s 5 (and I assume preschool will prepare her), I don’t really care what she learns when.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I love this, thank you! I have no expectations that my 3.5 year old is “gifted” – I truly hope that he (and baby brother) grows up to be kind, hard working and able to form relationships. I was never identified as gifted but I did really well in school, got into grad school and got into a “prestige” profession. I also have a lot of anxiety and perfectionist tendencies. My husband was more of a type B, average kid, but really kind and works hard without letting work consume him. I hope my kids turn out more like the latter.
For the OP, I think cut-offs are there for a reason. Sorry, you didn’t ask for opinions, but I think that absent really unusual circumstances, I wish there was both less red-shirting and less pushing kids who don’t meet the cut-off. I knew a few kids who were pushed early and almost all acted immature and eventually burned out from too much academic pressure.
Anonymous says
Very kind to others is high praise! My mom is a gifted education specialist and the #1 thing she tries to teach her students (and tried to me and my siblings) is that it is better to be kind than smart.
My kids are good at some things and not as good at others, but nothing makes me smile like watching my son go give a hug and a high five to the smallest kid on the team after the 5th time tiny kid gets bowled over, or my daughter go hold hands with the new girl in class to help her join in.
AwayEmily says
Aw, love this. Both those examples are so sweet; your kids sound amazing.
GCA says
I love this. I love that your daughter is consistently called kind – you must be doing something right!
RR says
My daughter is a late August birthday, with an August 31 cutoff. So, she beats the cutoff by days and started K at 4 years old (almost 5). I am definitely glad I started her. She’s academically ready. But, she is so young. She starts each year more immature than her classmates. There are kids in her class more than a year older than her. It’s more than academics. So, while I am glad we started her, I definitely would not push to start a December birthday early.
Anon2 says
The research is very clear that the later a child starts formal learning, the better. Ideally children would not start schooling until 6 or 7…and here we are in America proud of pushing our kids to read at age 3 or 4. Definitely hold him. Give him as much free play time as possible and read tons and tons of books.
Seafinch says
100% agreed. We have opted out of the free junior kindergarten for four year olds and my current 3.5 year old is at home with an Au Pair (or me on mat leave) and we do not teach anything. She has picked up a fair amount from her siblings but despite us making no effort whatsoever to teach letters or counting, her doctor says she is miles ahead developmentally (converses at a six year old level).
Anonymous says
I would wait. Preschool and k are very different. My oldest thrived in Pre-K and was very “ready” by any measure. He did not like K. He does not like sitting still. He lamented for the entire year how boring K is and how much he missed preschool. And his birthday is in April, so he was right in the middle age-wise.
I would never push a boy into K early. Let him have the extra year of less structure and more physical movement. For my daughter, who likes to sit and do more mental than physical things, like puzzles, coloring, tracing letters, “reading” picture books, etc, I would consider it, but my boys need to literally run.
avocado says
I have a different perspective than most. Our daughter missed the birth date cutoff by even more than your son, and we opted to send her to private K at age 4.5 and enroll her in first grade the year she was supposed to go to kindergarten. We started investigating this option when she was 3.5, but went into it with the understanding that we’d keep an open mind and only push her into first grade if she was truly prepared at the end of private K.
Our school district offers virtually no gifted services and will not allow grade acceleration (except for letting kids who have completed a grade in an accredited program elsewhere enroll in the next grade), so this was really our only option to meet her educational needs. She is now a twelve-year-old eighth-grader and is taking two courses at the high school next door to her middle school. Many of her eighth-grade peers, including some of her closest friends, are 18+ months older than she is. I firmly believe that she is so much happier and more successful, both academically and socially, than she would have been if we’d held her back until the traditional age. She does a club sport where age and grade are not terribly relevant.
The only real downsides are that some of the other the kids who are smart and also 18 months older might have a slight advantage on standardized tests (relevant for high school admissions etc.), and that we don’t get as much time with her before she leaves home.
avocado says
Adding: It’s important to keep in mind that gifted kids are not “special,” “bright,” or “smart,” and that grade acceleration isn’t really the best way to meet their educational needs. It’s just the only option available to many families, including ours. Ideally you wouldn’t accelerate a gifted child and would instead enroll him in a full-time gifted program.
Anonymous says
I’d be curious to hear your perspective on this in 10-15 years. I went to an elite engineering school with a lot of kids who had skipped grades or been vastly accelerated, and now 10+ years out of college, I feel like there’s almost an inverse correlation between how accelerated someone was in high school and how much career success they’ve achieved. That’s not to say that the prodigies are failures but more just that being labeled as “normal smart” may be better for a kid’s future success than being labeled a genius. I realize this is just one data point, but my husband has a PhD in theoretical math and is now a professor at a top school. He took AP Calc as a senior in high school with about a third of his high school class. He feels that it was much better for him academically to have a slow build – high school was less intense than college was less intense than grad school – so he didn’t burn out early, and much better socially to be with his same-age peers. I took calculus (and aced it) as a high school sophomore, but burned out on math and science by college because high school had been so intense for me. I also struggled socially, because I wasn’t in classes with my age peers and I had nothing in common with the college students I was taking classes with. From talking to friends and college classmates, it doesn’t seem like this story is terribly uncommon.
It’s too early to say how our kids will do academically, but we both feel strongly that we will encourage our kids to take honors and AP classes in high school if they’re capable of doing well in those, but we will not accelerate wildly or skip grades. If they’re bored in school and need enrichment we’ll find ways to do that outside of school.
Anon says
We moved into an area with the reverse situation when i was a kid. Moved from a 9/1 cut off to a 12/31 cut off. My sister has a fall bday so she started kindergarten based on the new cutoff. This was one of the “perks” of the move. She was fine for kindergarten and even first grade but then the emotional differences became much more apparent. My parents regret not holding her back. I have 2 kids with May bdays with an August 31 cut off and I’m considering delaying kindergarten for them bc i really don’t want them to be the youngest in the class
Anonymous says
This is interesting, because to me, May is waaaay before a Sept cut-off! My son has a late Aug birthday for a 9/1 cutoff and we might hold him. I’m in favor, my husband is opposed, but we have 2 more years to figure it out. My brother has a July birthday and my parents held him (definitely the right decision), but I wouldn’t even think of redshirting for May. That said, this proves the point others are making that OP’s son could be 18+ months younger than classmates.
Anonanonanon says
WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE WEARING THIS TIME OF YEAR.
It is mid-September but it is still going to get up to 90 degrees where I live next week… but is down in the upper 50s/low 60s most mornings. I was raised in the South and have very ingrained ideas regarding what we can and cannot wear after Labor Day but honestly how do you dress for a 35 degree fluctuation? ugh.
AwayEmily says
are you me??? I am so confused by this weather. I’m freezing in pants on my 8am bike ride to work and then am SO HOT on my 4pm bike ride home. I guess we just wait it out and wear a lot of cardigans in the morning?
So Anon says
I cannot figure out how to dress myself or my children. Its in the low 40s in the morning and mid 70s in the afternoon. I refused to wear a jacket this morning because I knew I would forget it at work this afternoon. My solution? Layers. All the layers – except for winter jacket. Real winter will be here in New England soon enough. I refuse to wear a winter jacket in September.
anon says
This time of year is so hard to dress for! Midwesterner here, where we are used to radical temperature swings, and the solution is layers. And planning for the time when you’ll be *most* uncomfortable. I’d almost rather be a little chilly than boiling hot, so I am definitely still wearing my summer clothes, just with a jacket or layering cardi in the morning.
Emily S. says
Right? Today I’m in jeans and a short sleeve blouse. I was chilly with a light jacket on walking in to work, nearly sweating on a park bench in just my blouse at lunch. I was raised in the Deep South and was used to wearing shorts until Thanksgiving and now live in the just-south-of-mid-Atlantic. I’ve lived here for 7 years and I still feel like I have no idea what to wear every September and March. I have curated a wide selection of jackets and coats.
Anone says
We have our first 4 hour road trip with our 2.5 year old. Talk to me about how to use her Amazon tablet, is everything on freetimr available without wifi? Any apps or anything in particular I need to download? I find this tablet so clunky and hard to use! Tia!
octagon says
I absolutely hated the Fire tablet. The only way I could figure out to hide Freetime was to download shows from Prime/Netflix and then put it in airplane mode. On WiFi, Freetime pulled in dozens (hundreds) of shows, most of which are not appropriate for a young toddler and there is no way to remove them. After a year with the Fire and trusting that kiddo could responsibly handle it we upgraded to an ipad and it is just SO much better. Not just programming and parent options — battery life is easily triple what the Fire was.
At that age my kid loved games too – Endless Alphabet, Toca vet/doctor, and the Daniel Tiger games were big hits.
Anonymous says
Anything you want to access without wifi you need to predownload. We usually download some books and videos (Daniel Tiger) from Freetime, some Netflix shows, and some apps and then put it in wifi mode. That means there’s only a limited amount of things to scroll through and it’s all things we chose.
Op says
Weve signed up for PBS channel on Amazon which has the entire Daniel tiger seasons rather just season 1 and 2 available on freetime, is there a way to get this on her tablet? How do you get Netflix shows on the tablet? Is there any way for her to watch peppa pig on her tablet?
Anonymous says
I specifically did not buy the Kindle kids edition to avoid Freetime and this problem. On the regular kindle, you can download some Prime videos and use them offline for 2 weeks (or something) but honestly i always forget how to – it is confusing. They used to have a lot of PBS shows; more recently it has been more Amazon originals.
CCLA says
Any recs for travel insurance providers? DH and I are going away sans kids, want coverage in the event one of the kids gets seriously ill and we need to change or cancel.
CCLA says
Solved! Turns out credit card has great travel insurance benefits.
Anonymous says
For Netflix download the app in parent mode and then transfer it to her profile. You can download shows to watch offline on up to 2 devices per account, I believe.
No idea about Peppa Pig, sorry. For DT, does the PBS app work or is your access only through Amazon?
Anonymous says
My 17 month old’s daycare teachers told me they’re stopping her from finger-sucking at school (except at nap time). Apparently they’re doing this by physically removing her hand from her mouth if she doesn’t take it out when they tell her to. Does that seem harsh to anyone else? I know kids who are 3-ish and still sucking thumbs/fingers may get teased, but I didn’t realize it was a problem at this age. They told me they’re telling her to clap her hands instead, but that doesn’t seem to me to serve the same purpose at all – she claps with delight when she’s happy, the finger-sucking is definitely a self-soothing thing when she’s tired/hungry/overwhelmed. I know I’m probably an overprotective first time parent, so just want to get other perspectives on this.
Anonymous says
This sounds fine as long as they’re doing it in a gentle encouraging kind of way. There’s a difference between snatching a child’s hand out of their mouth vs guiding it out and gently saying “yeaaa! Let’s clap our hands.”
Anonymous says
We recently started a bedtime routine for my 2-month old, but it doesn’t seem to be helping him go to sleep. We start at 9 pm with changing into PJs (and sometimes a bath), a bottle, snuggles, a book and/or song, and putting him down when he looks sleepy. However, he wakes back up fully in the bassinet and we have to rock him some more, sometimes with more milk, and this can go on for an hour or two. He usually stays asleep by 11:30. Are we starting too early? Too late? Any advice? Thank you!
NYCer says
One anecdote for you… When my baby was 2 months old (also the age we started implementing a bedtime routine), we generally started her bath at 7 or a little after, and she was asleep by 8:30 (with a bottle after the bath). She stopped night feeds at about 10 weeks. She had pumped breastmilk at night. Maybe try moving the start of the routine a little earlier? Now she is 7 months and we start bath around 6:20 and she is asleep by 7 (still with a bottle after the bath). Much more efficient these days!
Anon says
I think it’s hard at that age to have a true successful nighttime routine. But good on you for trying! The book The Good Sleeper talks about specifics for each stage of babyhood sleep. Maybe check that if you are interested
Anonymous says
I don’t think a routine will do any good at this age. A 2 month old has no idea what the significance of a bath or book is, and it seems like it’s possible it’s waking him up. I know baths always woke my daughter up at that age. I would just put him down into the bassinet whenever he looks sleepy and you consider it a reasonable bedtime (I think at that age it was around 10 pm for my daughter, because she was only sleeping 8 hours max, and her dad and I wanted her night to be from 10 pm-6 am, not 7 pm to 3 am).