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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
My 3.5 year old transitioned up to the next room in daycare. She has been coming home talking a lot about Peppa Pig. We’re big Daniel and Elinor fans here, so she hasn’t had any prior exposure to PP.
It’s a Kindercare, so we get pictures throughout the day. The other day, you could see kids sitting around a TV monitor in the background of a picture of my daughter doing arts and crafts, so there are indications they’re getting screen time, but I always want to give the teachers benefit of the doubt first.
If this really is happening, I don’t love that she’s getting screentime during the day and I’m paying for it, but need some perspectives before discussing with the director. COVID restrictions are in place so limited access to teachers.
anne-on says
It may very well be to help keep the kids quiet/contained while they have fewer staff/less mixing of classes due to Covid. My son is in grade school but they’re also showing tv/movies during lunch to encourage the kids not to talk/move/interact as much while they have their masks off (lunch rooms are closed so they all eat in their classrooms, or now, outside). I don’t love it either but I totally get why it makes sense and is a safe approach right now.
Jeffiner says
My Kindercare used to utilize screens when they combined classes at the end of the day. The morning teachers leave, and others have to clean up, and the screens help keep the kids quiet. When I mentioned it, my center was willing to discuss options about preventing screen time for my daughter, but I’m ok with utilizing screens.
My mom is an elementary teacher, and she says they show something like Wild Kratts or Dino Dana during lunch because the kids have to stay in their classrooms.
Cb says
Ooh, I’d be pretty uncomfortable with this as well. Sometimes my nursery does Zoom calls with a twin school in Ghana and they’ll occasionally watch short video clips about something they’re interested in (volcanoes erupting when they are building volcanos in the garden) but Peppa Pig??? I’d go in with a general curious query and see what they say?
And don’t let your kid watch Peppa! It’s so stereotypical and obnoxious, and the snorty noise is gross.
Anonymous says
I’d def ask the director about it. My day care always did TV at pick up time which I understand makes their jobs easier, but it made my job way harder (my kids were just a nightmare at pick up because of it). I asked the director about it and she was not happy to hear it was happening and now it doesn’t.
Anon says
I would definitely ask because of the photo with the screen. But just want to point out that kids can learn about TV characters from other kids without actually seeing the show. My daughter has Peppa Pig clothes and we donated a couple Peppa Pig books to her class so I’m sure we’ve introduced some people to Peppa. She learned about Paw Patrol from her soccer class and they’re definitely not using screens there. So I wouldn’t read too much into your kid talking about Peppa.
GCA says
This – kids pick up more than you might realize. We’ve never had Netflix so never watched Paw Patrol, PJ Masks or Octonauts, but at that age my older kid discovered them through friends via character t-shirts, toys, books, stickers and imagination games: ‘You’re Catboy and I’ll be Owlette!’ I’d casually inquire with the director anyway.
OP says
Yes, for sure. The reason I pause is because she seems to know a lot about it, much more than she would if just talking about it with a friend. Books are a possibility, but she said they watched it – all coming from a 3.5 year old though so that’s why I’m treading lightly.
Another caveat is that the director’s daughter is in the same room, so if it’s happening, I’m very much assuming the director knows.
Anon says
Oh if she says they watched it, they probably did. 3 year olds definitely make up tall tales but (at least in my experience) tend to report mundane happenings pretty accurately. I wouldn’t assume the director knows just because her kid is in the room though. Some kids that age refuse to tell their parents anything about school. ( I have one of them.)
GCA says
Oh gosh, if she said she watched it, that’s your question right there for the director – “We were very surprised when Susie came home saying she watched Peppa Pig the other day! I didn’t realize the preschool room did TV. Can you tell us more?” Polite and curious but neutral.
anonamommy says
We definitely have noticed an uptick in screentime at our pre-k class. I think that they are now showing like an hour of shows during the “rest” time. Based on what DD says it’s educational, mostly, and I’ve decided it’s not a battle I want to fight. Everyone has had a really hard year and we’re only there another 2 months. If I had another year, I probably would raise it.
Anonymous says
I would just ask what they do. Our daycare used to do about 30 minutes of screentime during a lunch/nap transition, and I was fine with that. It was a small place with mixed ages, and I think they had to keep the toddlers happy while dealing with the infants.
FYI I kind of love Peppa Pig. Their accents are so cute.
Anon says
I like it too. There are some things that bother me like the weird fat-shaming of Daddy Pig but for the most part I find it very charming. I don’t get the hate for it. Also I REALLY like that they don’t sing. So many kids shows including Daniel Tiger have little jingles that get stuck in your head so I appreciate that Peppa doesn’t.
Spirograph says
Yeah, my 4.5 year old seems to be getting a decent amount of screen time at school this year, including playing Subway Surfers on a tablet, and I’m not happy about it. However, I decided to let it go since he’ll be done at the end of this school year and frankly watching a screen at daycare is better than him watching a screen at home where he’ll interrupt me when the show’s over. The teachers are stretched because of the covid restrictions, and a lot of the group activities they used to do during transitions — eg, while the teachers are setting up for lunch or nap — just aren’t possible due to the health policies in place. (My daycare is way behind the times and still not letting kids play on the playground because of a misguided belief that it would need to be sanitized between classes.) If I had 15 preschoolers and couldn’t let them all play together doing blocks or something, sitting them on carpet squares 3 feet a part and throwing on an age-appropriate TV show is probably how I would distract them while I prepped the room for the next thing, too.
To be clear, you absolutely can ask the director about it. You can absolutely express a preference for no screens. But you might not get an answer you want right now… and then what is your next step? You still have at least a year left before K. Do you want to search for a new daycare?
Anon says
Not letting the kids play on the playground is bonkers!!! I thought mine was bad because they’re still strictly against class mixing so the mixed age playroom for the kids who don’t nap is shut. I really wish they’d designate a day for each class to use it so the kids could at least get some time in there. But keeping the playground closed is another level.
Cb says
That is totally bonkers. Surely outside is much much safer than inside? And thoughts and prayers for the teachers trying to entertain kids in such a restrictive environment.
Anonymous says
Could you approach it as you want to know how much screen time she got at school so you give less at home on days there was school screen time?
Anon says
It sounds like I may be spoiled and/or mildly unreasonable, but I would not be okay with any TV at daycare. If it was a home daycare I might feel differently.
I want to limit TV time to home.
Anonanonanon says
I’m on this team. I might be OK with a clip about something they’re learning about (say they decide to talk about the cicadas that are everywhere and the teacher plays a short clip of a cicada coming out of its shell or the noise they make, sure!) but it should NOT be a substitution for the childcare I am paying a lot of money for. Especially something like Peppa Pig which is pretty well-known for being a show that people have strong opinions about.
Anonymous says
Same. Our center uses screens occasionally for educational things, but I would be pretty angry about sitting the kids down in front of a TV show. I’m also kind of confused why Covid would necessitate this. Covid has led to smaller class sizes but the same number of staff, so if anything they should be able to give kids’ more attention, not less.
anne-on says
I would imagine covid means no mixing of classes. At the beginning/end of the day when my kiddo was in daycare it was pretty common to send the kids back/forth between adjoining classes to keep the numbers within the state ratios.
Anonymous says
Yes. They also minimized the presence of “floaters” a lot this year. So where before you might have an extra adult come in and help with a transition, allowing the teacher to continue leading a large group activity (which is already tricky with the distancing rules), now you need to corral all the kids and keep them 3-6 feet apart from each other while still leaving the two teachers free to set up lunch or whatever.
Anon says
Ah I see. Ours is definitely not mixing classes but has never done that kind of mixing as far as I know. We’re not there at the beginning of the day so maybe it used to happen then.
Anonymous says
Oh gosh they’re trying to keep the kids 3-6 feet apart at all times? That seems like an exercise in frustration. Ours only tries to enforce distancing when the kids are maskless (meals and naps) which makes sense to me and seems a lot more practical since they can space out the chairs and cots and the kids are supposed to stay in the chair or on the cot.
anonamommy says
In our specific situation, DD’s lead teacher lost a parent and a sibling to Covid a few months ago. A teacher in another room lost her spouse. You never know what burdens someone is carrying — yes, it is work, but this has been an inordinately trying year for everyone, and devastating for some. I’m fine giving some extra grace.
Anon says
My frustration would be with the director/staffing levels, not the individual teachers. I understand why TV would be used more frequently at a home daycare where the provider doesn’t get a break (this is part of why we didn’t use a home daycare), but major centers like Kindercare are supposed to be staffed such that teachers get regular breaks, and you pay commensurately, so that would really annoy me. But it’s an annoyance directed at the director or corporate, not at the teachers.
CCLA says
We had a situation in June when care reopened and older DD came home telling us about a show they were watching. I asked the director and teachers, and they assured us it was 10-15 minutes a day, something topical to what they were learning about, and that it helped the teacher corral the kids while she sanitized an area. That was fine and seemed reasonable, especially under the circumstances, and even now as restrictions ease up and they may not need to do that, I’d be fine with that amount, but I’m with the other posters that more than that is not something I’d want to be the norm.
Pogo says
I feel the same way – though I guess mostly grateful that we don’t have any screen time at ours! I think in some ways our super restrictive govt rules help because class size is max 10 – so I think it’s fairly easy for the teachers to corral the class between activities? And they do get outside time. Non-nappers are required to stay on their cot for some time, looking at books (that is what kiddo has reported, and a teacher confirmed, so I believe it). That’s when the teacher takes her long break/lunch while an assistant watches the napping kiddos. I feel spoiled now tho!
And our home daycare does use screentime as an emergency which I was fine with. She would put the tablet on with Sesame Street on the rare occasion one of the babies was losing their sh*t.
Anon says
I too would not be ok with any TV at a daycare, though I can see how it’d be necessary at one that was thinly staffed. There is so much more to early childhood programs than keeping children safe while their parents are at work.
A daycare with a sufficient number of skilled staff shouldn’t need TV and should be focused on helping the children grow and thrive. TV is a tool for parents to get a break sometimes, not for a daycare to avoid their main work.
Anonymous says
The thing is, unless you ask about it or your daycare explicitly says they don’t use it, you can’t assume they are not doing any screentime. I would never have thought to ask, but a friend who had a bad experience in her first daycare gave me the idea to ask the question. Otherwise I would have never known our center did use it a bit.
I also agree that this year is weird for many reasons that can be hard to understand from the outside. My son is in 3rd grade, and when his school was hybrid they were watching movies during lunch. It seemed like kind of a long period of time, and I think it was related to the inability to do lunch in the cafeteria, which means teachers have to cover lunch instead of having that be part of their legally mandated breaks. Or something. Now that they are open 5 days and eating outside, it has vanished.
Anonymous says
Yeah I have to wonder how many people just don’t know that their daycare uses it.
anonn says
Ours uses way more than we’re comfortable with, I know this because we have cameras and I watch her room all day long. It’s mostly during the transition time after snack and meals so the teachers can clean up, mop the floor etc. and then from 5-6 when parents are picking kids up and the room is already cleaned. lots of Blippi, Fancy Nancy, Daniel Tiger. Also the preschool curriculum they use has a lot of videos. We really hate it, but we realized recently we like other things about the daycare more, so we’re living with it. We’re on the waitlist at another center, when I asked them about screen time they were almost confused, she said they do a movie day every once in a while. But that center would add 40 min to our commute every day, so we’ll probably stay where we’re at.
pregnancy vaccine timing says
Anyone done the research on when to get vaccinated in early/mid pregnancy? Where I live (not in the US) drs recommend getting the mRNA vaccine not before 13 weeks, to avoid any risks to organ development from running a fever. What’s not so clear to me is, is everything in the 2nd trimester considered ok? I’m wondering what “good” weeks are, to possibly have a fever. It seems maybe later is better, but I also have some work events in my 2nd trimester that will involve interacting with lots of people, so need to balance risks. (And yes, I asked my dr, but he just shrugged). Thanks!
Anonymous says
I’d get it week 13 if you’re going to events with lots of people!
Anon says
My doctor (in the US) told me it was even fine to get it in the first trimester and that they recommend getting it asap.
Anonymous says
I had a 102-degree fever for 48 hours after vaccination, so I’d be hesitant to get it during the first tri.
EDAnon says
I also got a high fever 101.5 which I would not have wanted to have in the first trimester. I would get it at 13 weeks or so, though I don’t know. It’s so hard. I didn’t even drink coffee while pregnant (and I LOVE coffee). Whatever decision you make, the risks to the baby should be low.
Anon says
+1 I believe the conventional advice in the US is to get it ASAP, especially if you have any increased Covid exposure like kids in daycare or working at an office. If your kids are with a vaccinated nanny and you WFH and are being extremely careful about where you go and who you see, I can understand putting it off. But otherwise pretty sure the risks of Covid far outweigh the vaccine.
Anon says
I got first shot week 13 which worked out to second shot week 15. My doctor was actually fine with week 12 I think? She wanted to avoid the high fever possibility before that.
I’m very high risk and my doctor is a bada** high risk obgyn. She’s very risk-oriented for this reason (both avoiding risks – and taking appropriate ones), so I felt good about it.
OP says
Perfect, this is exactly the type of info I was hoping for. I didn’t mention it in the first message, but I’m also high risk, with mono twins. And fortunately working from home. Best of luck to you!
PP says
wow, that’s exciting but also I can see why you are taking each risk seriously! I thought this timing felt very comfortable for me! I actually liked that my second shot fell early second tri because it did knock me out a bit. She also had me take tylenol. best of luck to you too!
Anon says
Congrats from a mom of 4yo mono-di twins! If yours are mono-mono I’d want to aim for as early as is safe for the vaccine, since you’ll end up inpatient at some point.
Katala says
I think there is just starting to be a critical mass of babies born whose mothers were vaxxed in the second tri. This isn’t exactly what you’re asking – I was out of the first tri before I could get it – but my understanding is the earlier mom is vaxxed, the higher the antibodies in baby’s bloodstream when they’re born. That info was based on getting it early 3rd vs. late 3rd though. There could be a U curve where there is an optimal time before delivery to get it, in terms of protection for the baby after birth. If you’re going to be in public that seems like a very good reason to get it at 13 weeks to give you the longest runway to build antibodies before those group events.
Anonymous says
Speaking of daycare transitions, my daycare told me they want to move my son up to the older toddler room when he turns 2 (in about a month). How should we prep him for this transition? A big reason is that in the 2+ room, they all wear masks. So we’ll be starting to practice with masks at home. But anything else we should do? Thanks!
Anon says
I think that you’re on the right track. Along with that, I would practice what it looks like taking it on and off for snack or drinks. My daughter needed help with getting it on without assistance in the beginning. Sometimes the teachers forgot how young the kids are and will just say, “okay, masks back on!” and your kid will hesitate to ask for help
anonymommy says
My son is transition-skeptical, to put it nicely. I’d find out as much as you can about the new room and start talking about that. Teacher’s name, which of his “friends” will be moving up a room with him, etc. Our new daycare has been really great with the upcoming transition — he’s gone half-days to the new room to start getting him comfortable. (Our daycare is super covid-careful, so if they’re doing this, I would think most daycares would be ok with this very limited, short-term mixing of classes). I’m sure some kids wouldn’t need that, but for my son it’s been a nice way to ease the transition.
Anon says
Does anyone else with two little kids (sub age 5) feel like raising small kids is 90% terrible? It’s like intermittent reinforcement because sometimes it’s so joyful and meaningful but a lot of the time it’s just dealing with screaming, tantruming, comaining, eating, caretaking etc. It’s not fun a lot of the time and I feel like I’m doing something wrong that it’s not
Mary Moo Cow says
I did feel this way. I was ardently following Janet Lansbury and reading the “How to Talk…” and “Siblings Without Rivalry” and “All Joy and No Fun…” and observing other people and thinking, what am I doing wrong?! Why don’t these books just work like magic?!
Time and constant repetition of the strategies that worked helped. Now that my kids are almost 4 and almost 6, there are more good days than bad. DH just got home from a long weekend away, and I was pleasantly surprised how much more fun and easier it was then when he would go away when they were, for example, 2 and 4. One surprising thing that has helped is seeing my therapist about relating to my older kid. Maybe it is just venting to someone other than DH, or someone who has older kids and has perspective, but it really has helped me stay calm when DD flips out about not getting her way. I was on the verge of meeting with a parenting coach, but I reached out to my therapist instead, and she was happy to help. If you have a therapist, he or she might be a good first step.
OP says
Thank you, this is super helpful and makes me hopeful. Mine are about to turn 2 and 4.
Anon says
I am not the earlier poster but this is really speaking to me. We have three kids and I feel like my oldest sucks up about 70 percent of our parenting energy most of the time. She’s just so much harder – she’s in kindergarten and more likely to tantrum than her 4 yo or 2 yo siblings. I hate that. I think Dh and I both need somewhere else to vent.
Anon says
My kindergartner is completely draining me this year…and I have a 3-year-old and a newborn. The middle child has gotten pretty emotional/defiant because I don’t have the bandwidth to be patient with him when the other two are so high needs right now (and also, age 3). I definitely think my oldest is a “spirited” child
Katala says
4 and 6 was infinitely easier than 2 and 4. So much so we decided to have a 3rd!
AwayEmily says
I felt this way about the baby stage. I’m mostly okay once they get to ~3 but I had two under two and was just overwhelmed and sad for a lot of those years. To some extent I think the best way is just to push through. Babyhood — and even little-kid-hood — is such a small part of the whole thing and it’s okay to be like “eh, this part isn’t my favorite.” I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, just like I wasn’t doing anything wrong by not liking the baby stage. It will get better!
Anon says
“I was sad and overwhelmed a lot of the time” — this definitely describes where I am at with a baby and toddler. Some days I feel like someone is constantly screaming in my face even though I’m doing everything I possibly can to meet their needs. It’s so hard to stay calm and positive after the 10th time my kids freak out. I know my kids are awesome little people but it’s still so draining.
CCLA says
Yep, ~3 was the inflection point for me with the older one (kids are 2.5 and 4.5). I did not like the infant stage, and I have never looked back and missed when they were tiny babies. You don’t have to love every minute of it or every stage of it. I’d say I noticed a big difference around 2 with the younger one (likely b/c they play together a lot and big sis is super responsible so I worry a little less), and I expect it to get even better as she gets a little older and better able to communicate her needs and regulate her meltdowns. Older DD is mostly super fun to hang out with now, other than the fact that I detest pretend play.
Anonanonanon says
Just seconding I really do not enjoy the day-to-day most days. I don’t make it into my whole personality or anything (not directed at you, directed at wine mom “har har I’m hiding in the pantry from my kids with wine at 2 PM and filming it!” culture) but yea, it’s not the most enjoyable aspect of my life most days. I sort of define parenting as when you’re with them you can’t wait for a break and when you get a break you miss them and can’t have fun
exhausted anon says
Yes, and we only have one 3 year old let alone two…My daughter is VERY high energy and going through this phase where she does not seem able entertain herself. It is A LOT. You are exactly right about the intermittent rewards/joy. After a day of multiple playgrounds, messes, constant interaction, I got a spontaneous bedtime hug and kiss, but man, I am tired, my back hurts, etc. I am also an “old” mom (40+) so not helping.
Spirograph says
I had three sub-5 at one point, and yes, it was 90% terrible day-to-day. The 10% + any sanity-saving sleep or hobbies I could squeeze in got me by. Please know you’re not doing anything *wrong* if you’re not enjoying two littles. No one enjoys it all the time, or even most of the time, probably. There are strategies that might help occasionally, but kids are kids. The throw you a new curveball every time they catch you patting yourself on the back. It’s just something you have to get to the other side of. I enjoy my kids at least 50% of the time now. :)
Boston Legal Eagle says
I have a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old and yep. I feel this. When the little one was younger, my older one was more difficult – the 5 year old is much easier now and he can understand and be somewhat reasoned with (most of the time), but now the younger one is hitting that tantruming irrational stage. And yes, when he is being a charming 2 year old, it is delightful, but it’s not that way all of the time. You’re not doing anything wrong. This is just the stage. I find that my kids are better outside than being cooped up inside, we try to do most of our activities outside now that the weather is good.
Anon says
Solidarity. My twins are just full of boundary testing and lack of impulse control (but also hilarious and charming) and it is just so draining.
So Anon says
I think I blocked most of that time from my memory, which is to say that I felt the same way. My kids are a bit older now (7 and 10), and it is sooo much better. I also want to weigh in that the last year has been 100% hard as a working parent. From my perspective, if you take the normal hard of parenting kids of any age, it has been dialed up multiple notches from the pandemic. Everyone has been impacted in one way or another, and I think all of our bandwidths to deal with all things have shrunk. And our bandwidths shrunk not because we are doing/did anything wrong, or that there was some system out there to save us that we didn’t discover, but because this was legitimately tough. It is going to take time to know if we can take a deep breath and then take a deep breath. Layer parenting little ones on top of that, or parenting at all, and it feels like we need a collective break from life. All this to say, you’re not doing anything wrong.
CPA Lady says
I think there are different ages that different people enjoy parenting. There is nothing wrong with you.
I enjoyed the majority of the baby year and then really struggled through the toddler and preschool years. Whenever some gets all sappy and heart-eyed about how “they’re only little once”, I privately think “GOOD! because I couldn’t do it twice.” I remember posting on here at the time that I felt so weird and different from other moms of littles because they all wanted to take more time off to spend with their kids while I felt like the less time I spent with my kid the better and more patient mother I was able to be.
That said, early elementary school age is just as amazing as I thought it would be and totally makes up for the cesspool that was the toddler years. It is seriously so great. There is so much more flexibility and being able to do things spur of the moment (vs having to schedule around nap time, pack a diaper bag, etc.). She can make her own sandwich. She can read. She is in the process of learning how to wash her own hair. We can have conversations that make rational sense. When she plays with friends, they run off and do their own thing for the most part. Traveling with her isn’t a nightmare any more. She still gets mad and has crying tantrums but they are so much less frequent than they used to be. I’m sure we’ll start having to navigate the drama of interpersonal relationships soon but thankfully that’s not really been a thing yet. It’s super awesome.
Friday says
DH and I just talked about this today. We have a 4 y/o and twin three month olds. DH asked me if it was terrible that he prefers the company of the four year old. I said no, but remember there was only one of him and he was easy most of the time. Even then the newborn stage was hard. I love the twins dearly but babies are just not my favorite. My MIL and SIL’s look at me like I’m a psychopath when I say this. Fortunately I have a few girl friends who have acknowledged that newborn to three years is hard for them too. Of course there’s nothing wrong with loving the newborn or toddler stage either. I just personally don’t.
Anonymous says
I’m definitely here right now. Last week took DD to the pediatrician for her four-month checkup; I had to fill out a depression screening and was not surprised to see that my score was in the problematic zone. It’s hard. We are potty training the toddler and on Saturday he started peeing in the kitchen while I was unloading groceries, narrowly missing all our fresh fruit, while the baby screamed for her next meal. I thought I would love having small kids, expected to have three or four, etc etc. Now I’m focused on surviving the next couple of years, and making the best of it that I can. I’m hoping it gets better.
Anonymous says
It depends on their ages. But in general I feel like it’s 30% magical/fun/enjoyable, 30% routine/boring/mundane, and 30% terrible. 10% god awful lol. But In general the highs are higher and the lows are lower. I found a newborn and a 2.5 year old god-awful but also sweet and magical. 1 year old and 3 year old in a pandemic was more fun but draining. And now a 4yo and an almost 2yo is MUCH easier and more fun. DH and I were talking about how 3.5-4 was a huge turning point for our DD in terms of maturity and also her understanding/doing so much.
My kids are really teaching me patience and emotional control that was NOT modeled in my family of origin so that’s actually one of the harder parts for me. I’m really trying to break the cycle and not just explode when I’m frustrated or it’s been a hard day. When they’re both crying/upset and just want mommy it’s very stressful. And of course I get touched out. But I feel a lot of pride when they learn new skills or display wonderful emotional maturity or help out without being asked (my 21month old randomly collected his dirty clothes and put them in the hamper!!). So overall it’s a net positive. I do look forward to when they’re less physically dependent on me but I dread dealing with friend drama/bullying/academic issues/etc…
Pogo says
Ha, DH and I just talked about this last night. For him it’s needing to ask like 7 times for the 3yo to do something (anything) and that it requires cajoling, bribery, trickery, reverse psychology, etc to do the simplest thing like putting on shoes. We share best practices in the evening after the kids are in bed, which helps (“I ask him if undies go on my head, or on the teddy bear, and then he laughs and agrees to put on undies”) us learn from each other and commiserate. We also try to tell each other cute things he said or did that the other person may have missed because we weren’t with him, to balance it out.
We both lose our patience about 100 times a day. Solidarity.
Anonymous says
I really needed this thread today. 3 kids under 6 here and I’ve been feeling like a particularly terrible mom lately— overall just burned out and exhausted. And the more I feel that way, the more I lean on DH to do hands on child care, but I’m not resolving that new free time with things that actually make me feel better (scrolling social media instead of exercising). Then I get even crankier with the kids because I’m in a bad mood. It’s a rough cycle.
Anonymous says
Mine are 3/5/7 and just recently parenting is fun. Pandemic aside, all 3 are potty trained! Nobody naps anymore (except mom). Nobody wants a stroller, but if we need one, they all take turns pushing and riding. My 1st grader is getting good at sports and is fun to watch her learn real things at school now.
My 5 y/o had a great dance recital, just learned to read and tells hilarious knock knock jokes. She goes to K next year and I wish I had another 6 months with her because she is my “spirited child” and I think we just finally got our groove- she has mellowed somewhat with age, and DH and I have figured out how to work with her instead of against her.
My 3 year old is kind and friendly and plays well with everyone she meets. She’s like a human golden retriever. She still has an epic tantrum every once in a while but my other two kids roll their eyes with me and DH. We are a team! They all have likes and dislikes and friends and can be mildly helpful around the house when not fighting like cats and dogs.
But 3 years ago when I had a newborn, a toddler and a PKer, I was 30lbs heavier, ate and drank too much, slept not at all, looked like a hot mess in clothes that didn’t fit and cried a lot. I was probably depressed. I had bad hips and threw my back out. Omg I forgot all of that until now. IT GETS BETTER!
Anon. says
Yup. Nearly 4 and 16 mo-old here. We toasted on Sunday night with friends (who have 3 6 and under) to making it through the weekend. Because weekends are not remotely relaxing right now. Personally, so much is driven by sleep deprivation too. We had a bad sleep night Friday night and ALL of us were so much crankier Saturday as compared to the next day when we got decent sleep. I started a 5-year Journal specifically to write down the adorable things they say because I need to capture those happy moments to make it through the 90% of suck.
Anonarama says
Has anyone had any luck repelling ticks without using DEET? My daughter is too young to use it, but it’s tick season again and she picks them up just playing in the yard. Lots of sites online push that essential oils will work, but I’m a bit skeptical.
Anonymous says
What do you mean too young for DEET? You can use it on 2 months and up. If you don’t want to, picaridin or treat clothes with permethrin. Do not rely on essential oils to prevent serious disease.
Anonymous says
This.
Anonarama says
I thought there was an age limit, but I’m definitely not seeing that online now. We didn’t need to worry about it last year so clearly I’m remembering something wrong. Thanks!
Anon says
You may have seen Canadian data, they have more specific guidance about what concentrations to use for children than the US.
Anonymous says
Don’t use Permethrin if you have cats. It is toxic to them.
Anon says
Is getting the yard treated an option? That seems easier than having to spray your kid every time they want to go in the yard.
Anon says
We do oil of lemon eucalyptus-based spray (not lemon eucalyptus, must be OLE) and wondercide on the yard, plus tick tubes and a deer fence. OLE has credible evidence of its effectiveness and is one of the ingredients recommended by the CDC. I think there may be an age limit based on lack of testing (??). If you want something stronger permethrin is better than Deet and you would want to spray it on socks/shoes or clothing.
Anon. says
Picaridin is our repellent of choice.
Anonanonanon says
I have this highlighter and I like that it’s not glittery and that it doesn’t need my fingers or a sponge. It’s particularly effective on webcam (people will text me like omg you are glowing today) but IRL no one has ever commented.
bridesmaid says
I’m bridesmaiding in a July out-of-town wedding that will include (at least two of) the bride’s anti-vax relatives. I’m fully vaccinated, as is my +1. We have a toddler who of course hasn’t been vaccinated and will be staying home over that weekend, and I’m newly pregnant. The bride does not know that I’m pregnant; when we spoke about this last time, she said that she knew it was touchy but didn’t want to put her parents in a difficult position with their siblings, and that she expected that immunocompromised people would likely decline the invitation anyway. (I know pregnant people are at greater risk for complications, per CDC… does that make me immunocompromised?)
I don’t know what to make of this or how much I can/should push for her to require vaccines (or masks for the unvaccinated), or if it’s too far to say forget it, I’ll stay at home — something I don’t want to do, but I really, really don’t want to bring COVID home to my kid or to catch it while pregnant. And I guess the anti-vaxxers may say sure, sure, we’ll wear masks, but then promptly ditch them at the first opportunity. My OB urged me to think hard about whether being there is worth the risk. I guess I’m not clear on what the risk is at this point. FWIW, this wouldn’t be a casual cancelllation: this is my best friend from college, and the wedding has already been delayed once.
What would you do?
Anonymous says
I would go. I don’t think there is a risk if you are fully vaccinated. But your options are very clear- you can go or you can not go. You cannot push for her to require vaccinations or masks. If you don’t go I would tell her it’s because you’re pregnant.
Anon says
I don’t think you’re immunocompromised now that you’ve been vaccinated – there’s no reason to think a pregnant person wouldn’t make an effective response to the vaccines the way that, say, a cancer patient might not. You could also get a test to see if you made antibodies to the virus. That said, I would not go to this wedding in your shoes. The pregnancy that makes you higher risk and the unvaccinated toddler at home are both reasons IMO. We’re avoiding indoor, maskless situations with unvaccinated people until our entire family is vaccinated. With vaccines for kids hopefully less than 6 months away, it just feels like it’s not a risk worth taking at this point. I would feel differently if the situation were indefinite.
Anon says
And yes, I would tell her about the pregnancy if you decide not to go.
Anon says
I think if you are vaccinated that you are safe to go. It’s unfortunate that there will be unvaccinated people there but by then, most people who want a vaccine should be able to get one.
Anonymous says
Why don’t you talk to your doctor about what the risks are to you? It doesn’t seem like there is much risk since you are fully vaccinated, and apparently there is now some consensus that vaccinated people are unlikely to transmit the virus (part of why CDC changed their mask guidance again). My assumption is that you, as a pregnant person, would be at high risk if you contracted the virus, but your risk of contracting it is very low since you are vaccinated. But I’m not a doctor. I do agree you can’t tell her what to do – you can go or not go.
Anonymous says
I’d go. The CDC or my state’s health dept (can’t remember which) is saying you don’t even have to quarantine after being around a COVID positive person if you have been vaccinated. To me, that means the risk to a vaccinated person is extremely low.
Anonymous says
Adding to my last comment (re: low risk b/c no quarantine once vaxxed) could you get the bride to tell you who the anti-vaxxer’s are so you can steer clear of them and make sure you are 6 ft away?
Anon says
I disagree with the advice that you can’t talk to her about potential precautions she can take. You certainly can’t “tell” her to mandate masks or anything else, but if it were my best friend and there were something I could do that would her comfortable I would much rather she suggest it rather than just flat-out declining the invitation (this applies to non-Covid stuff too – like if something were a financial hardship for one of my bridesmaids I would want to know so I could potentially help, rather than just not having her there). Of course if you tell her “I’d be comfortable attending if you do X” and then she does X, you should really go, so think through this carefully before you discuss with her.
Anonymous says
Sou def to me like they’d already discussed the issue.
Anonymous says
I would not go. Nine fully vaccinated members of the Yankees’ 50-person traveling party, which had an overall vaccination rate of over 85 percent, caught the virus. If there could be that many breakthrough infections among a mostly vaccinated group, I’d hate to see what would happen at a wedding full of unmasked antivaxxers.
Anonymous says
I believe the vast majority of the Covid positive Yankees are asymptomatic, so it’s not as scary as it sounds, but I would also not go to the wedding.
Anonymous says
Only one of whom had minor symptoms. The rest were only caught because of constant testing. This is not a reason to doubt that the vaccines work
Anonymous says
Not doubting that the vaccines work–they do seem to work mostly as advertised. But someone is going to be the one with the breakthrough symptomatic infection, and especially if I were pregnant and had an unvaccinated child at home I wouldn’t want it to be me.
Anonymous says
+1. People are equating very effective vaccines with zero risk to vaccinated individuals and they’re not synonymous. The vaccines are amazing! But the risk to vaccinated individuals is not zero and the pregnancy and the unvaxxed toddler at home are both reasons to not want to be a breakthrough case.
Anonymous says
My understanding is that they all had the J&J vaccine, which is less effective, and I think it is also possible some lied about their status.
Anonymous says
Yeah they had J&J but I don’t think they lied. It was the organization announcing the # of breakthrough cases and I’m sure the organization had proof of the players vaccine status.
Anonymous says
I guess my perspective is a little different because I know several people who tested positive for Covid after being fully vaccinated, including one who had to be hospitalized, but I don’t think the vaccines are a golden ticket to risky behavior while Covid infection rates remain high. To be clear, I’m not at all suggesting the vaccines don’t work – there is lots of data the mRNA vaccines are over 90% effective and they clearly work on a population level and are driving down infection rates as more people get vaccinated – but the risk to a vaccinated individual is not zero or close enough to zero for me to be comfortable with it if I were high risk, which a pregnant woman is. The CDC’s job is to address population level health not individual health, e.g., they clearly believe vaccinated people can remove their masks indoors and the population can contain Covid infection rates, which is all well and good, but is cold comfort to the unlucky vaccinated individuals who will get severely ill and/or die along the way. If she needs an answer now, I would decline and explain you’re newly pregnant and that changed your risk calculus. If she can wait, maybe you can give her a response closer to the date? Things could be substantially better in July if people keep getting vaccinated. I’d probably be comfortable doing this if infections in the US drop below 10k/day which was Fauci’s original benchmark for dropping masks indoors (given that we’re currently more than three times that, I think a lot of the recent decisions are politicized).
Anonymous says
+1. If you OBGYN is asking you to think hard about the cost/benefit analysis, I would either press about what they think of the risks or assume that they’re asking because it’s risky and not go.
Anon says
Ohhh, this is a tough one. I think the options are to go or tell her you can’t go because of your pregnancy. I don’t think you can push her to require vaccines and I doubt she could effectively do that anyway (and I’m very pro-vaccine.) Personally, I would probably go and do my best to limit my exposure by standing far away from people and wearing a mask at the reception. But it isn’t an easy call, and you have to do what you feel comfortable with.
Anon says
I second talking to your OB and maybe pediatrician to find out what the risks are, so you can better weigh them.
Given how close you are, I think it’s a good idea to tell the bride you’re pregnant, what your OB has advised, and talk about precautions. There are a lot of options—-could be you skip the wedding, maybe your OB not wanting you around unvaxxed people is enough to uninvite the unvaxxed relatives (it sounds like they’re obligation invites rather than people close to the couple), maybe you can be seated far away from the unvaxxed guests, maybe they mandate masks during the ceremony, which is easier to police than the reception, and you leave before the reception.
A good friend will be understanding of you skipping the wedding if you need to based on medical advice, but will also work with you to see if there is a set of precautions that could be sufficient for you and workable given other constraints.
anon says
I might consider going if it were outdoors and I felt ok avoiding the known anti-vaxxers, but if inside, I would not. I would also tell her in either case.
Anon says
If your OB urged you to think hard whether it’s worth the risk i feel like that’s the doctor version of telling you not to go. I personally would tell my friend i was pregnant and that my OB said not to go
Anonymous says
I wanted to share a funny story since I don’t think my friend posts here. If she does, hi friend!
My friend has a 4 year old girl and 2 year old boy. They take baths together and have a favorite fish toy.
The other day, while in the bath, the 4 year old girl said “mommy, where is the f@cking fish?” Shocked, mom said “what did you just say?” 2 year old boy responded “she said, where’s the f@cking fish!” And of course, mom was rolling laughing while trying to explain that is not a nice word…
Anonymous says
lol, When my daughter was about 3, she cheerfully emphasized her brother’s complaining about bedsheets with, “yeah, sheets are stupid as f***!”
(Seriously, though, I thought the F word was “fart” until like… middle school. I’m still not sure how my kids learned it so young)
Boston Legal Eagle says
We’re trying really really hard to emphasize the “r” in “fork” for my 2 year old because when he says it, it sounds like something else…
Anonymous says
My daughter used to call watches “clocks” and leave out the “l.” Especially terrible when she was talking about Daddy’s watch.
Anonymous says
hahahahaha
Jeffiner says
Hahaha. I was telling my husband how I burned my mouth on my tea the other day, and my 6 year old asks “Did you say owie?” I said no, so she asked, “Did you say sh!t?” Haha, no, sweetie.
Anonymous says
My son doesn’t pronounce his r’s very well. I bought him some new summer clothes recently, and he keeps telling everyone about his “new sh!t, new sh!t!”
Party Animal says
DS will be starting preschool in August, a week after he turns 3. His new school says all kids must be fully potty trained and able to toilet independently. He does well with #1, but is just not there with #2. I know August is a long way off. Everybody I talk to says he’ll potty train when he’s ready…but I need him to be ready by August. What do I do?
Anonymous says
Potty train him in July.
Anon says
+1. Just do it. Both my kids had to potty train by three for preschool. It was fine. There may be some accidents in the fall and the school will understand (clearly they know what they’re doing here, ours does) but I’d probably take a couple days off work and spend four or five days just concentrating on this – it will pay off in the long run!
Also not sure what this “he’ll potty train when he’s ready” business is? That sounds like a recipe for delayed training and years of accidents! You need them to be somewhat ready to potty train, but kids aren’t driving this process usually, you can be!
PP says
Also sorry if that sounded harsh. My advice would be different if he were just turning 2 or even 2.5. But yeah, this is the exact same as my kids school and people just make it happen!
Anonymous says
I think your advice might be different if you had kids who had frequent #2 accidents, like daily, when you are training.
Party animal, this honestly played a part in which preschool we chose. There was a Catholic school that was really hard line about it – if your kid has an accident you have to come get them in the middle of the day – and we picked a different school.
Anonymous says
PS – this is not to say you shouldn’t try and that he won’t be ready by August if he’s doing well with #1 right now.
Anon says
Our ped was very firm with us that at 3 we should still wait until kiddo was “ready.” For us, it was fear not the number of accidents, but she really discouraged us from forcing potty training even though it means we’re missing out on activities we/kid really wanted to do.
Anonymous says
That’s nice, but if day care requires it, and you need day care, not really an option.
Anon says
“Daycare” doesn’t normally require it since they take kids of all ages. I think it’s much more common for preschools and there are still plenty of preschools that don’t require it.
Anonymous says
My kid trained when she was ready. It was right before 3 and took like one day and no accidents since. So I do think it’s easier if you wait until they’re ready
anonymommy says
I do think this is kid-dependent. Some kids will fight it more if they feel pushed. And, if it’s limited to problems with #2, you might want to try miralax. Check out Janet Lansbury podcast “Problems with Potty Training, Constipation, Bedwetting, and Preschool Policies (with Dr. Steven Hodges).” You might not agree with all of what he recommends, but it’ll at least give you some comfort that waiting until 3 is fine. (We tried for the second time at 3, and it was not easy, so it really depends on the kid. Wish I’d heard this podcast earlier!)
Cb says
It’s a long way off, so I think just stress a really consistent routine. But I’m not actually sure my kid poos at nursery. He goes home and heads straight upstairs for some “privacy!”
anon says
Also – my daughter was terrified of going #2 and somehow worked her body (in response to my threats about school) so that she only went at home. So that can happen too.
Anonymous says
+1. Making sure kid is “regular” and that the regular poops are at times we are home has fixed this problem. Not sure what we will do when we start going places in the evening again.
Able to control #1 and not #2 could absolutely be a sign of constipation. (if it hurts to go you will obviously try to avoid it, but you can’t do that forever = accidents).
Anon says
This was us last year, except then preschool didn’t open (but we didn’t know that in the summer). We had a failed potty training attempt in February (everyone was crying, epic disaster) so we backed off completely (despite DD showing all the signs of readiness). And then I think I took memorial day weekend, talked about it for up to a week, showed her the pretty undies, and then swapped her diapers for underwear (being pantsless was an issue for her) and spent the weekend doing lots of laundry and it finally clicked later than week. I think between June and August we had maybe one accident every other week, usually because she was overtired, or distracted, or we forgot to remind her to potty, but all in all she would have been ready to go to school by then.
KH says
Tell me about your favorite international trips with kids – places, ages, activities. My babe is only a few months old so we’re not planning anything soon, but I’d love something to daydream about!
Anonymous says
Tuscany at the beach and hiking in Austria have been two of my favorite.
Kinder hotels dot com has a lot family friendly hotels in Europe. Martinhal in Portugal is next on my list post-pandemic.
Anon says
My main advice is go early! (Covid permitting). Babies and little toddlers don’t have strong opinions so you can pretty much just cart them along to whatever you want to do. We did a Caribbean vacation (Turks and Caicos) when DD was 10 months old and it was one of our favorite trips ever. We stayed on an amazing snorkeling beach and took turns snorkeling while she napped, when she was awake we went out to eat and chilled at the pool. It was very relaxing and since the main thing we want to do at the beach is snorkel, the baby didn’t even limit our activities. We did an all inclusive in Mexico when she was almost 2 and it was a lot more stressful – she was running around everywhere, couldn’t sit still for meals and just generally was tantrum-y and difficult. She was also scared of sand and water at the time so we didn’t even really spend any time on the beach or pool except I swam once or twice solo after she went to bed. I also got a massage during one of her naps – definitely take turns with your DH doing solo activities during naps and early bedtimes. (She also had RSV – caught it at school but didn’t get sick until we were in Mexico – which definitely did not help but I think 2 is just a hard age for travel in general.)
Our only trip to Europe with her so far was Paris when she was 14 months. It was fun, but the jetlag was rough and we ended up having to eat in a lot of touristy restaurants because the real restaurants don’t open until 7 or 8 pm, after toddler bedtime. Our best meals were when we just went to a food hall for bread and brie and macarons, honestly should have just done that for every meal :) She was still at an age where we could pretty much do whatever and she would go along, so we took her around a lot of museums in the stroller and walked along the Seine and we all loved playing in the Jardin du Luxembourg.
I’m currently daydreaming about Portugal, Italy, Iceland, and a Norwegian Fjord cruise for family travel – we hope to do at least two of those in 2022, assuming vaccines for kids show up on time and variants don’t wreak havoc. We’re also supposed to go to Banff this October if the Canadian border opens to tourists (I would normally save a hiking destination for an older age, but husband has a work trip there and I couldn’t pass up the chance to go).
In terms of BIG bucket list trips the two things I most want to do are safari and Antarctica but we’re waiting on those for a while. I’m hoping we can do safari for my 40th birthday when she’ll be 7.5. I think for Antarctica a lot of the boats require kids to be 10 or 12.
TheElms says
Safari at 7.5 is totally doable if kid is a rule follower. I went at 11 and my aunt/uncle took their kids when they were 10, 7 and 3.
Anon says
Awesome! She’s currently pretty good at following rules, as much as a 3 year old can be I think, and she loves animals and generally does so well with travel, jetlag, long flights, etc. so I have hope we can do it, but of course we’ll have to see what her personality is like at that age and if she’s enthusiastic about going. It’s so expensive and such a long trip that if she isn’t really excited about it, I think I’d want to delay it.
Anonymous says
Your mention of Banff reminded me of what was supposed to be a romantic dinner overlooking Lake Louise on our honeymoon. There was a big extended family group with probably a 4-year-old boy who was all dressed up, and they were determined that every possible combination of family members get their photo taken with this boy…RIGHT in front of our table. Those who weren’t in the photo were standing directly behind us, breathing down our necks for our table (like, before our drinks even arrived). So, we didn’t actually get much of a view of the lake, but we got a great view of this poor kid scowling at the camera, LOL. If Victor’s parents, grandparents, and aunts are reading this, hi!
Anon says
Hahaha poor Victor and poor you!
Anonanonanon says
We’ve never taken the kids out of the country and were planning last summer (before…. everything) to take the kids to Quebec to dip their toes into the experience. We thought Quebec City and Montreal would be nice because they feel pretty European (especially Quebec City- cobblestone streets etc.), speak a different language, use different money, different food traditions, stamp in their passports, etc. that could be fun for the kids without the jet lag, time, money, and general inconvenience of a flight across the Atlantic. I’m looking forward to doing that when the border reopens. We wanted to get a feel for whether they cared about being in a different country or not before investing in flying them to Europe.
Anon says
We did Montreal and Quebec city with a 16 month old and it was great. I mean, as great as anything with a nap-hating 16 month old is? But it felt European/different enough and it was a short plane ride from DC with no jet lag!!!
HTX says
This was my 1st international trip at about age 5 or 6 — definitely a way to ease in to the idea of a foreign country with another language & customs!
katy says
Anywhere that you can get a house as a home base. The two “big” trips we did with kiddo (other than local-ish beach / family visits / rent a place for a week, hit a hotel within driving distance) were California (7 months) and Italy (22 mo). If i could do it again i would do somewhere more ambitious for the first trip.
First it is a know your family: are you super schedule focused. With a non-mobile kid you can basically have a grown up trip (ok maybe not Michelin star dining* or theatre unless you have a baby sitter). LO loved MOMA (bright colours) and then slept though the back half of the museum. I was OK nursing in public. No one bats an eye if you bring pouches out in a restaurant. We picked louder restaurants in San Fran, but nothing family friendly. We also rented a house in Monterrey.
* on both trips we did actually have LUNCH at a restaurant that had or previous had 1 Michelin star…..
As the kiddo gets older, what will they eat becomes a more important question. Italy was great because everywhere has plain pasta with cheese and prosciutto and melon or a charcuterie plate. We also rented a house there so we had a home base and could do some meals ourselves, doing day trips each day. Also Italians LOVE kids and will go out of their way to help a family (eg. carrying a stroller with a sleeping kid in it up cathedral steps). Be prepared to keep kiddo up late in cities. Friends with a 3 month old shared the house with us. They did much smaller excursions as they were more schedule focused and i think enjoyed being in a city more than the remote house.
Obviously there are kids all over the world and food is available for kids everywhere, but i would imagine traveling in say Thailand with a 2 year old that is a decent eater as long as foods aren’t combined would have been a lot more stressful. I had friends that did Japan with an 8 month old with great success – they wore her in a back pack at lots (See San Fran above – she didn’t really eat a lot of what they ate).
Because of COVID we haven’t done any real travel post 2.5, but i would imagine once they are no longer willing to be strapped in a stroller, hitting cool markets and museums wouldn’t really be worth it. Our next international travel (with 4 year old by the time it will be practical for us) will likely be to beach-type resort. Europe would definitely be focused on smaller towns and somewhere we can rent a place.
Bottom line: If you like “city travel” do it before they turn 2!!
Anon says
We’ve also taken a toddler to 1 star Michelin places for lunch! Some of them are surprisingly casual. We took our dog to one once too, lol (this was pre-kid when we treated our dog like a kid and took her everywhere with us).
Anonymous says
Portugal and Paris. Both trips between 18 months and 2. We found great parks everywhere, which was a different experience than prior vacations. And the kid was at an age where we could linger at restaurants and he was willing to try new foods. In both places, we had problems of accessibility. In particular, we had a kid that hated baby carriers but loved sleeping in a stroller. So great memories of the kid sleeping through the Louvre, but frustration in getting into the Louvre. Same problem exploring castles in Portugal. I was hoping to take my child to Italy next, as I have heard that it is a better experience with children but Covid thwarted that plan.
anon says
We also did both Portugal and Paris with kids between 14 months and 22 months and they were both great.
Jeffiner says
We did a ring road tour of Iceland when my daughter was 7 months old. She wasn’t crawling yet, so she didn’t mind sitting in the carseat or just being carried around. One of us sat in the back to talk to her/provide toys/provide bottles while the other drove, and we either wore her or put her in a stroller when we got to a destination. We didn’t hike on glaciers with her, but that was the only excursion we had to pass on. It was an amazing vacation.
We went to Rio when she was 18 months (went to Summer Olympics), and Ireland when she was 4. I think its fun when planning a trip to work in playground visits and kid-themed attractions with the adult museums or tours. In Rio her favorite thing to do was walk up and down stadium steps, but we did a lot in Ireland. In Dublin we did Dublinia and the Zoo for her, evensong at Christ Church Cathedral for us, and a guard at the Natural History Museum let her (us) go upstairs to the closed section to see the dodo bird. In Killarney we met her soulmate on a playground, and they ran around together for hours. She was the best behaved member of an hour long manor house tour, because we had promised her a ride in a horse cart afterwards.
Anon says
We do something similar. We were just in Asheville and did something that interested the adults (Biltmore, Blue Ridge Parkway, etc) each morning and a playground every afternoon. We usually spend more time in a destination than we would have pre-kid so we don’t feel rushed and can see it well with only half of each day devoted to the kind of sightseeing we want to do. If you have the time and budget, I think that’s the way to go.
PistachioLemon says
We had good luck with a 1 and 4 year old in Spain because it’s 6 hours ahead of the East Coast, but everything in Spain is so late that we never really had to transition them!
Anonymous says
This is what we do. We go to Europe to visit family every year and don’t bother with a full time zone transition because it makes it so much easier. Kids go to bed at 10pm so we can go out for dinner in the evening or visit relatives, they wake up like 9am ish which is enough time for a morning activity before lunch around 1-2pm, then afternoon activity or nap time, then dinner around 7:30pm.
Anonymous says
I had grand plans to do this, but it doesn’t work if you have kids with a circadian rhythm that’s very tied to daylight. My kid sleeps when it gets dark and wakes when it gets light. It’s generally a good thing for travel, but it means we can’t keep her on an artificial timezone.
Anonymous says
It works pretty well in late June/early July which is usually when we go (right after older kids are out of school) because it is usually light until like 9pm at night. also bring a travel blackout curtain with us for the bedroom window.
Reflection says
For those of you with older or adult kids, is there anything you wish you would have done differently in terms of work/life balance, whether staying more focused on your career, making a career change, or spending more time with your kids when they were little?
I’m have an infant and a 2.5 year old and am thinking through some potential life changes, and would love to have perspective from those who have made it through (or even to!) the elementary school age years. It seems like everyone I work with is either childless or in still in the daycare years.
Anonymous says
My three are in elementary school. I wish I worked less when they were younger. 5 years goes by in a blink of an eye. In another 5 years my oldest will be in high school. I wish I had treasured the wonder of an impossibly slow walk and stopping to inspect a snail more often. And I wish I had spent more time taking care of myself when I was in the exhausting baby/toddler phase. Basically split the extra work hours I did between kid time and self care so I was able to be more present when I was with them.
I wouldn’t have changed my job or anything, but I put in a lot of time doing ‘extras’ that meant I looked great at work but missed out at home. It was hard to step back because I was working in a field I really cared about (environmental law) and I saw an opportunity to make a difference. But the difference I made with the extra effort doesn’t make up for what I missed out on with those extra Saturday afternoons at the office.
avocado says
My daughter is now in ninth grade. The day care years were great. But I wish I had either left the work force when she started elementary school or insisted that we hire an after-school/summer driving nanny. I spent several years of my life trying to cobble together a patchwork of subpar child care solutions, pick up the slack myself, and handle most of the transportation while working a moderate-travel job with a long commute. My daughter hated it, and it forced me to half-a$$ things at work in a way that caused a tremendous amount of stress and limited my career. Now that we’re through most of that, I’m having a hard time leaning back in. I don’t think my sanity or my career will ever recover.
Anonanonanon says
This is such a great point. Childcare gets MUCH harder when they hit elementary school. I had to have backup upon backup upon backup and it was not cheap or easy or reliable.
My area does have daycares that will take elementary kids to school and pick them up. That was essential. It was also essential to be aware of their snow closure policy and their holiday schedule. Having one place that could do drop off/pickup, handle weather days and teacher workdays, handle holiday breaks, and–most importantly–handle summer, was well worth the cost. Most importantly, I learned after a few years that it was just MUCH less stressful for my son to know that no matter the weather/schedule, he was going to the same place every morning. The year I spent patchworking it was really stressful for him.
Summer care especially can be difficult to find. I live in an area where working women are not uncommon, but finding care in the summer that actually covers an entire working day can be tough!
Anonymous says
Thanks for this. We are having a summer nanny for the first time this year. I just set up the homepay.com account and got a little freaked out by the expense. But if I’ve learned anything over the last year, it is how much I need adequate childcare to remain sane.
Anon says
+1. I leaned in quite a bit during the daycare years, and I’m happy I did. Childcare was consistent, they don’t remember whether we made the 2s room costume parade, and they were happy with any activity we planned. Now my kids are in elementary and both DH and I are looking for ways to lean out, at least through the rest of elementary and middle school.
These years are HARD – childcare is so spotty, yes, but this is when they’re forming who they are as a person. We don’t allow travel sports (neither one is going to get a scholarship from sport ability, why ruin the family’s entire weekend for months of each year) but we do encourage house leagues, instrument practice, clubs, etc if they’re interested. And of course we want to encourage friendships and independence. Our kids are willing to talk to us on long solo walks – so a few times a week, we split up the kids and make sure each gets 1:1 time with a parent to chat about anything. We’ve had some really fun and really important conversations that I wouldn’t give up even for a $50K raise.
I don’t know if I’ll lean back in for high school (possibly? especially once they can drive?) or if we’ll want something else at that point. But these next 4-6 years are the key times, for us, to be home and present as much as possible.
Anonanonanon says
My oldest is almost 11 (how?!) and my younger one is a young preschooler, so I’ve both lived it and am in it!
I was a single mom when my older one was young and didn’t have much choice but to be career-focused for both of our sakes. Honestly, I regret how guilty I let myself feel. He recently commented how annoying it was when I picked him up from extended day earlier than usual when he was little because it interrupted his playing (omg! I was trying to be a good mom and see you, kid!). If I could go back, I’d tell myself to run that errand before picking him up without feeling guilty, grab those groceries while he’s in daycare, etc. He was well cared-for and having fun and I shouldn’t have pressured myself to always try to pick him up ASAP. Their minds don’t really notice if you pick them up at 5 or 5:45. Evening is evening.
There is so much he just doesn’t remember! I’m glad I took trips with him, because those experiences resulted in pictures that he enjoys looking back at. I’m happy we have those for him to remember that we did things together! The times I couldn’t afford trips, even just having pictures that capture what he was like at that point (is there a hat your kid insists on wearing every day? A toy they won’t leave home without? they love hearing about that stuff when they get older, because they won’t remember!)
My son doesn’t remember that I had to work every Christmas Eve while he went to the only daycare around open that day as a drop-in. He does remember that every Christmas Eve we had cookies and watched muppets Christmas Carol. I’m happy that I created small traditions like that that he will always remember.
Lastly, I wish I hadn’t put so much pressure on myself about things like screen time and video games. There are days where we both would have been much happier and ended the day on a higher note if I had admitted I was tired and grumpy and let him watch a couple of movies while I rested next to him or got chores done instead of trying to power through and getting/acting frustrated when he made doing so difficult by acting his age.
Career-wise, I don’t regret “leaning-in” when he was young at all. Honestly, evenings with small kids seem to largely be a wash when it comes to quality time no matter what, at least in my experience.
So Anon says
I could not love your comment more!! I agree 100%.
Anon says
I feel this on the screen time. Thank you for mentioning it!
Anonymous says
My son is almost 9, and in terms of work/life balance, I don’t really have regrets. I probably have a less intense job than many people here – it’s pretty standard 40 hrs a week, with occasional evening events – and my husband is a teacher, so he’s home a fair amount. That definitely helps. Also, my husband was unemployed until our son was about 2 months old, so I didn’t feel like I had a lot of choices to begin with – I was the breadwinner and keeper of the insurance. Anyway, I don’t regret working or the amount of time he was in daycare.
I regret is that I didn’t start taking antidepressants sooner after my son was born – I was seeing a therapist but she was discouraging it for various reasons. I also wish I had worried less in general, especially about stuff like how long he would sleep, if/when he would be fully potty trained, learn to ride a bike, etc. I wasted so much energy focused on stuff that works itself out eventually, regardless of how much you screw it up. The problem is, often there IS something you could do to make a situation better – e.g., the right bedtime, the right sleep training method, the right potty training timing or bribe or whatever – but there is no way to know what it is without trial and error because every child is different. (Experts sell books by conveying a high level of confidence and certainty in their advice, but real life children often defy expectations). I spent a lot of time worrying about whether I was making the right choice, and often feeling guilty about the choices I made, but only hindsight could provide any clarity.
anon says
I feel like when my kids were toddlers there was a bigger need for quality time (and consistency) than quantity. They did just fine in daycare and had early enough bedtimes I could get some stuff done after they fell asleep but when I was with them I had to be 100% with them.
Now that my kids are older I feel like quantity is starting to get more important that quality. They’re a lot more independent but they just want me there (around when they’re doing homework, at the games and recitals, at school functions etc) and kind of keep score if I’m not.
fallen says
I worked my butt off when my DD was little. there’s def a part of me that wishes I had savored time with her a bit more (for my sake, not hers – I feel closer to my DS because I spent more time with him when he was little), but 95% of me is SO glad I leaned it like crazy because it allows me now to have a professor job (academia) that I think is prefect in every way as far as career fulfillment, working with people i love working with, money, and flexibility/time with kids go – although I wonder if I could have gotten the same outcome working 10-15% less hard. I don’t know if I would have been able to get this type of job if I didn’t push extremely hard during grad school. One regret I do have is not having a nanny and prioritizing self-care more. I did this differently with younger DS and it makes parenting so much less stressful and I am infinitely happier /have a way better marriage/am a better parent. So overall I would have pushed just as hard I think but gotten more help and prioritized my happiness/sanity more.
Anonymous says
Yes. Mine are 3/5/8 and either DH or I have been part time since my oldest was 3.5. I regret nothing.
I would never advise people to step fully out of the workforce but heartily suggest looking and flexible options. It took me getting fired/laid off after an M&A deal for our family to figure it out but we now make $300k -$350k between the two of us with one of us working very part time vs the $450 we made both working FT.
Anonymous says
Most families (I suspect even most of the ones represented here) aren’t going to make that amount with two full time salaries, let alone a full plus a part time salary!
Anon says
Yeah I kind of did a doubletake at that. Making over $300k with one partner working part-time is extraordinarily rare. It’s great that you found something that works for your family, but it’s not really something people can easily emulate.
Anon says
Yeah I read this board like “oh yeah I relate” then errrrrrrrrr….. the music stops. So many times. Ugh. I am just not in the same stratosphere! Holy cow.
Anon says
See the thread above re the challenges of the baby/toddler years. I think when kids are little you want time to both slow down and hurry up and it’s easy to look back with rose colored glasses on how you wish you’d done X, but it’s not so easy when you’re in the thick of it. I’d lean in then to be able to pay for more childcare and lean out if needed during the elementary years. That being said every person is different, every kid is different and everyone’s life circumstances are different.
Anonymous says
Shopping help! I have a 7.5 year old 1st grader. Size 6x is too small. A 7/8 fits pretty well. 8 is too big.
She’s extremely muscular, build like a tall soccer player/skier. True skinny jeans and Bermuda shorts don’t fit. Shorts that run short are too short on her (she has a pair of 10 slim denim shorts from Justice that she put on and I wouldn’t let her wear them out of the house because she looked, well, *hot* in them and that’s just gross).
For tips, 6/6x is too short for her.
What are your 7/8 year olds wearing? She likes sporty stuff so we have Patagonia baggies and some athleta shorts that work, but she also wants slightly less casual stuff for school. A cute pair of jean shorts and a non graphic non sleeveless top would be ideal.
Anonymous says
Is the problem that everything is too short or that everything is too skinny for her muscular legs? If the former, try Gap or Old Navy slim sizes. If the latter, try Old Navy regular sizes.
And don’t let her shop at Justice at all. That stuff is not appropriate on any child.
Anonymous says
Sort of both. She’s 90% for height and muscular. She can’t rock bike shorts (though my other daughter is built differently and totally can). Shorts that are the right length and leg opening are enormous in the waist. She recently got a pair of size 7 girlfriend jeans from the gap and we cinched the waist all the way in. I would buy more of those but they only come in one color!
We do a lot of gap skorts. The justice shorts came from a bag of hand me downs and I didn’t even know she had them! They were absurd.
I think mainly, stuff from my default gap/old navy/target isn’t working so I’m looking for other brands or stores to try. What works best has been athleta and under Armor and Patagonia type stuff but it’s so casual.
AwayEmily says
Have you looked at Target? They have such a range of stuff, including tons of different denim shorts of all different lengths. Maybe order a bunch of shorts/tops, try them on at home, and then return the ones that don’t fit to your local store.
anon says
My daughter (2nd grade) only wears leggings and bike shorts. She’s tall and thin as a bean pole so the bike shorts aren’t tight on her (she’s a size 10), but I don’t think they’re any different than leggings . Old navy, Target or TCP.
Anonanonanon says
Would skorts be a good option for her?
Zara has some wide-leg pants for girls right now that are on-trend and super cute. Ignore the crop tops they are trying to sell for whatever reason. They also have a cute striped dress and those ugly-but-on-trend sandals Gen Z is wearing right now. H&M has elastic inside the waistband so you can focus on getting shorts long enough and worry about tightening the waist after the fact.
DLc says
I buy my nine year old pants and shorts from the boy’s department. I find the cuts are roomier, the pockets deeper and they are better made than most anything in the girls’ section.
Also when my kid was 8 she could wear certain XS women’s tops of mine. I certainly didn’t expect her to be poaching from my closet so young!
Anon says
My 7.5 yo wears size 7/8 Old Navy and Target jean and poplin shorts. We usually have to cinch the waist in with the hidden elastics. She also wears a lot of jersey dresses, usually from Primary, Target or Old Navy.
I’m not as much of a stickler for avoiding short jean shots as some, but I don’t think she ever looks exposed. Her jean shorts and a t shirt seem pretty age appropriate. Some are shorter. Some are longer cargo style.
I don’t let her wear bike shorts as shorts. They only go under dresses.
Anon says
I think your DD is probably a size 10, but needs the waist cinched with the inside elastics.
Anonanonanon says
Back to my skorts suggestion, I just got a Lands End catalogue in the mail featuring several cute skorts for girls!
Daycare economics says
Help me understand the economics of daycare. I recently learned that in non-covid times, our most beloved daycare teacher also worked nights at a big box retail store to make ends meet. How is it that I pay $$$$$$ and yet teachers make so little?
Anonanonanon says
Rent, IT infrastructure, legal counsel, cleaning supplies and cleaning professionals, contracts to serve hot food, multiple shifts of staff, extensive administration requirements pertaining to recordkeeping etc. that have to be maintained to be prepared for inspection (which means at least one person responsible for that), building maintenance (some states cite a daycare for chipped paint, for example), playground equipment maintenance, supplies and equipment, required ongoing trainings and certifications for staff, the list goes on
Childcare workers are certainly underpaid but I also think most daycares don’t have a big profit margin. It needs government support.
Anonymous says
Also, insurance. Their liability insurance rates are HUGE.
Anon says
For a nonprofit daycare:
Rent, health insurance for educators, low ratios mean that a lot of staff are needed, costs of staff that aren’t in the classroom all the time (floaters/subs, administrators, cleaners, food prep), can’t count on spots always being filled, so have to pay teachers based on an income stream that’s less than full capacity (because you can’t lower pay just because there are fewer children that month), upkeep/improvements, buffers for unexpected expenses and loss of income (hello, three month closure at the beginning of the pandemic).
Excellent daycares will often have professional development time, parent teacher conferences, paid time off, and paid sick leave for teachers, not to mention mandated meal and rest breaks, which means a lot more staff are necessary in order to keep within ratios (especially if the center aims for better than mandated ratios) because each teacher is out of the classroom for a fair amount of time.
I live in a VVHCOL area with astronomical rents/home prices, so even people who make what would be good wages elsewhere have to pay a large % of income for housing or have very long commutes and still pay a lot for housing. If a big law associate can only afford a modest apartment, it’s that much harder for someone who is well paid for early childhood education.
Anon says
We paid $400/week for our infant, and while we usually used 10-11 hours each day, we had the option for 12 hours. So we were paying $6.66/hour. Since the ratio is a minimum of 4:1 that’s $26/hour for each teacher in that classroom, less if they have a few extra floaters in there like ours did. Our place provided all food and snacks, so that also comes out of the $26/hour, as well as rent, insurance, cleaning, and supplies. Plus the director and assistant director spread over everyone.
I understand that’s the most extreme case and ratios get a little better in the older classrooms, but then I think about the mounds of paper, supplies, crafts, toys that my kids went through in those rooms. And the increased need for cleaning supplies. They don’t offset but it’s not that much of a savings when it’s 10:1 like the 3s room was for us – we had 2 teachers and 2-3 floaters in that room but they also did things like field trips to the local fire station or the local splash pad, and basically ran a preschool with phonics and math curriculum all year long.
Anon says
+1 We also paid about $6.70 an hour for infant care in a classroom with a 4:1 ratio (many states are 3:1). It’s pretty logical to me that if they’re bringing in $20-26/hour/teacher the teachers aren’t actually going to make all that much.
Anonymous says
The economics of day care are impossible. Just like K-12 education, day care (and K-8 before/after/summer care) needs to be treated as a public good and funded or at least subsidized by taxes.
Anonanonanon says
Yes. Unpopular opinion probably, but don’t talk to me about free college for all until we have universal childcare.
Anonymous says
Right there with you re. college.
Anonymous says
I don’t think it’s unpopular on this board! I feel exactly the same way and I feel like a lot of the people who are pushing hard for free college before universal daycare are low key sexist Bernie bros. They’re both to the left of me policy wise but one of the big reasons I found Elizabeth Warren so much more palatable than Bernie is that she made childcare availability and affordability such a big part of her platform.
Aunt Jamesina says
I think a lot of them are also people in their twenties so they feel a big sting from student loan debt, but haven’t yet hit childbearing years.
EDAnon says
I oversee (like the director reports to me) the child care at my work and labor costs are extraordinary. We have to subsidize it to make it work. We give our child care teachers that same pay, time off, benefits, etc. as any other employee. To do that and make the ratios is impossible. Plus, they have all the overhead staff mentioned above. And they don’t pay rent/utilities/etc. I am amazed that child cares that are not institutionally-affiliated exist at all.
And daycare teachers are non-exempt from FLSA which means OT for any extra time, hence their huge stress when you’re late.
Anon says
+1 My university daycare is heavily subsidized and doesn’t pay rent or utilities. I know they give their staff better pay and especially benefits compared to other daycares in our area (and they charge more tuition), but I’m still confused as to how any place that isn’t subsidized and has to pay rent could even break even. And most daycares are trying to make a profit.
anon says
For those of you who have flown recently, how have you handled sitting next to people? (I just realized that the practice of not selling middle seats has ended.) I will be flying in June with two vaxxed and two un-vaxxed (both kids). Do I sit me + two un-vaxxed or one vaxxed (middle) + one unvaxxed (window)? My 12 y/o (other vaxxed) will be about 4 days shy of full protection, but has historically sat next to the window because he gets airsick. Or am I overthinking this?
Anonymous says
It depends on the plane configuration. If I were flying with 4 kids, I’d do
Window kid kid adult aisle kid kid
Or
Kid kid aisle kid kid
Seat adult aisle
If they are on a plane anyway I don’t think the location matters all that much
Anon says
I’m flying in June and bought premium economy (2-4-2 config) so kid and I have a row to ourselves. I’ll definitely put her next to the window. I would try to keep the unvaxxed kids more protected from strangers but I guess it depends on how bad the airsickness issues are.
Anonanonanon says
No way to know without a crystal ball. I’m super cautious about this stuff but you’re overthinking it. Unless you have the ability to test everyone in the rows in front of and behind you before you make your decision, there is no way to know what’s best.
Anon says
Sure, you can’t know anything with certainty but statistically window seats are safer because you have close contact with a smaller number of people, and the closest contact on planes is the person in the adjacent seat so if you’re in a window seat with a family member in the middle seat you avoid the closest contact with mom-family members.
Anonymous says
This. I’d focus your energy on making sure that the kids have good masks (or double cloth masks), and not worry about the arrangement. There was very, very little documented transmissions on airplanes the past year with mask mandates in effect, and I believe masks are still required for air travel.
Anonymous says
If there is another adult, I’d do two rows of
aisle adult + middle vaxxed + window unvaxxed
If you are the only adult I’d do
aisle adult + middle unvaxxed + window unvaxxed
aisle stranger + middle vaxxed + window vaxxed airsick
Friday says
I’m probably not evaluating the risk correctly but I’d let airsick prone kiddo sit by the window.
Anonymous says
I think you may be overthinking it from a epidemiological risk perspective because regardless of who is next to you, people will still be in front of and behind you. I had to fly last year when middle seats were still being blocked off, and it was somewhat cold comfort when someone was immediately in front and behind me. Turn the vents on and do what works best for parenting.
Anonymous says
I think there were some pretty thorough studies that blocking middle seats reduced transmission so I feel like the takeaway is that having someone next to you is riskier than having someone in front of or behind you. That said, you certainly can’t get the risk to zero regardless of what you do and it’s probably not that high even if you paid no attention to the seating arrangements, so she may well be overthinking it.
Anonymous says
My in-laws put on Peter and the Wolf this weekend and my kids LOVED it (they love audiobooks). But my husband and I actually liked it too (we hate audiobooks). Does anyone know if there are similar kinds of things out there, where it’s like half classical music performance and instruments play the animals? Google didn’t lead us to anything good.
For those that haven’t heard it, I highly recommend.
Anonymous says
Carnival of the Animals is another one.
Anonymous says
There’s a Leonard Bernstein NY Phil recording that has BOTH of these on the same CD. It is the roadtrip CD of my childhood and my kids love it too.
Yup says
Dan brown wrote a children’s book called wild symphony that has music that accompanies each page. My kids loved it. The Houston symphony also did a performance of it that we could watch virtually and it was one of my favorite pandemic things we did.
Anonymous says
I loved Peter and the Wolf as a kid – we had the one narrated by Lorne Green. My son is terrified of it.
Katala says
If you heard the David Bowie version, nothing is going to come close, sadly.
katy says
Very cool. I am bookmarking this and people’s replies for future road trips.
I just did a google search and I am pretty sure i have found the ones we used to listen to on road trips on cassette. It was music + a story that related to either the composer or the meaning of the specific piece of music. We had an entire series, but the most memorable was “Beethoven lives upstairs” and I think one about Mozart’s magic flute? I remember being entertained – but my standards were pretty low…. we did LONG roadtrips with no radio reception and i got very carsick.
https://www.amazon.ca/CLASSICAL-KIDS-BEETHOVEN-LIVES-UPSTAIRS/dp/B00000212L
Do you wise ladies think that this might work for a not-quite 4 year old?
SBJ says
I loved this series! My favorite was Mr. Bach Comes To Call. There’s also Tchaikovsky Discovers America, along with the other two you mentioned. I’ve been meaning to look for these for my 3 & 5 year olds, so yes, I think they’d be great for an almost-4 year old.
Another classical music one to try is The Soldier’s Tale, narrated by Roger Waters. My kids didn’t seem to get into it, but it’s Stravinsky music.
Also, not a classical music option, but I highly, highly recommend Story Pirates. It’s a podcast that has both a running story as well as performs stories written by kids (embellished / adapted by the Story Pirates team), and also interviews the authors. They often have guest stars (Kristen Bell, Julie Andrews, among others) and honestly, it’s so great. My kids love it and my husband and I do, too. It’s funny, it’s engaging, and it totally encourages my kids to come up with their own creative stories. We’ve even submitted stories (terrible ones!) and got the sweetest personalized response back. I love it so much.