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Every year, I talk about how you might not need a maternity coat, depending on where you’ll be in your pregnancy. If you’re going to be heavily pregnant during the coldest months of winter you may want to consider getting a coat like this.
This one has a clever design — once you have your baby you can take this insert out and turn it around so that it covers your baby while you’re wearing him or her. So, it covers your bump and then covers your baby. When you’re not wearing your baby, you can remove the insert entirely. (The hood is also removable.)
This machine washable coat comes in gray and black in sizes XS-XL and is $170 at Nordstrom; note that Amazon has it in an khaki green as well. Modern Eternity Madison Quilted Maternity Puffer Coat with Faux Fur Trim
Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Anon in NOVA says
I had never heard of this brand. It looks like they offer a similar concept in other coats, too (“concept” being the removable panel). It looks a little silly, but totally worth it to have a coat that’s still functional after you lose the bump.
Bloom says
I know this has been discussed but please refresh me on how everyone handles the “floaters” at daycare. Each of my kids has main teachers that I know and plan to give cash gifts. However there are several “floaters” who cover the couple hours before pickup and there are so many I’m not sure how to go about acknowledging them for the holidays. Some we see often, some once or twice a week, some are regular but just started last month, etc. Not even sure I know all their names!
Momata says
I give gift cards to the regular teachers and send in brownies and a nice note to all.
CPA Lady says
I’m giving my kid’s main 2 teachers $50 each, and the main floater $30 (I usually do $25, but my kid is obsessed with this girl, so I’m bumping it up a little). All the other floaters who float in and out but are not consistently there are getting $0. FWIW, I live in a LCOL and pay $830 a month for daycare.
Spirograph says
Are they true floaters? At my daycare, everyone has an actual class to which she’s assigned, but some shift around early or late in the day depending on schedules. So I just figure the ones I occasionally see in my kids’ classes will get cash gifts from the parents in their “real” class. We are bringing an edible gift for the entire staff to share, in addition to individual gifts for our kids’ teachers. I also kind of figure that with 3 kids, we’re going to have everyone on staff as a teacher at some point, so I’ll hit them all over the next few years! :)
Em says
This is how they do it at our daycare too. The floaters are the teachers from the class below my son’s current class and we have given them generous birthday and goodbye gifts, plus we get an edible holiday gift for everyone to share, so I am not getting them individual holiday gifts. I’m not sure what I would do if they were true floaters.
Anon says
Ask the director for the name of the regular floaters in your kids class and give them a card w/$10.
Anon says
I do gift cards for the main teachers, then bring in coffee/breakfast for the entire building one morning in the last two weeks of the year. I try to telegraph when I’m doing it and ask around to make sure no other parent is doing the same. There are 4-5 of us parents who do this, so everyone gets roughly a week of free breakfast as a thank you.
Anonymous says
Ugh. I need a warm maternity coat so badly but $170 is not in my budget.
Anonymous says
I got my maternity coat from Old Navy and it worked great. Also check out ASOS, they had some cute ones when I was pg.
ChiLaw says
Same! I got mine on sale or with coupons or something and it was in the $30-40 range.
Anon says
Also check out salvation army and goodwill. I donated mine (same concept, with the removable panel) at the end because I didn’t have any winter-pregnant friends and couldn’t stand to look at the coat after 4 years of preg/baby wearing.
Anononymous says
If you already have a zip up coat, check out Make My Belly Fit. They sell zip in panels/zipper adapters. Worked really well for baby carrying! (Wasn’t pregnant during the winter.)
Katala says
I think this is the coat I bought and it wasn’t worth $170. It’s fine, but not the greatest quality though it was a lifesaver the winter I was pregnant in NYC. I wouldn’t use it not pregnant/babywearing, so my vote is find one <$50 that's maternity and sell/donate after.
Anonymous says
Pea in the Pod is running 40% off their outerwear (most of which is about $200 without the markdown). Most of it’s pretty lightweight, but the “Textured Maternity Wrap” plus a scarf is getting me through DC winter so far.
CLMom says
I have a nearly 14 month old at a large corporate center walking distance from the office. Her primary teacher mentioned that my lunchtime visits are becoming tough for my daughter. When I leave she fusses for several minutes afterwards. I don’t doubt that fussiness happens, but I think it has more to do with my daughter being exhausted having to wait to nap so long (up at 6, nap at Noon). I don’t want to respect the teacher’s opinion and observation, but essentially encouraging me not to come at my lunch break did not sit well with me. I want to see her at lunch, but am I being selfish visiting? If it truly is worse for my daughter to see me mid-day, then I won’t. But I can’t (read: don’t want to) imagine that is true.
Anonymous says
I’ve heard that many daycare providers find mid-day visits hard because the kid has to get over saying good-bye to the parent twice. I’m not sure how much that’s true vs it’s disruptive to the daycare provider and how much the kid gets used to parent coming for lunch only.
Does your visit delay her nap? What do you do when you’re there? If you’re there for 15 minutes and sh’s upset for 15 minutes and naps later then it may not be worth it. If you’re coming and eating lunch with her and leaving again, I think I could see that as different. Because she can process that you’re there for lunch only.
CLMom says
I do not interfere with naptime. Generally I am there around lunchtime and the little bit of playtime that allows for the teachers to clean up lunch/kids and setup for naptime. Some days I have a quick pop in of about 10 min, and other days I’m there more like 30 min.
Meg Murry says
Yes, I also wondered if the teacher was postponing her nap until you arrived at noon, and that was also part of the problem – perhaps she would start the nap or lunch earlier if she wasn’t waiting for you.
I think it’s worth asking whether the problem is more the mid-day visit, or if it’s more the timing of it. I know some of our daycare teachers also take their lunch breaks when nap time starts, and a floater comes in, so I could also see it being a hassle if your leaving coincided with when the favorite teacher was supposed to be out of the room leaving a floater who isn’t super familiar with your daughter to deal with the fussiness.
If you have the flexibility in your schedule, would it be worth asking if the problem is noon, and would it be better for all if you took an early lunch and visited at 11 or 11:30? Our daycare has quiet hours/naptime from 12:30-2:30, and they’ve asked parents to avoid unnecessary visits or drop-off/pickups during that time if possible.
But I do agree with everyone else that separating 2X in one day could be rough once separation anxiety has kicked in. And once she gets a little older, what is fussiness right now could quickly turn into full on wailing tantrum as she gets closer to age 2.
Anon says
Unfortunately, she’s probably not making that up. It is upsetting to toddlers to have to say goodbye twice. My daycare has events in the late afternoon on purpose so parents aren’t dropping in and leaving during the middle of the day. It’s disruptive not just to the child, but to the whole class.
EB0220 says
I think it’s true. In my experience, after they turn 1, it’s much harder on them to see you in the middle of the day. I almost never visit at lunchtime for this reason, and I’ve found it to be true with both of my kids. I can’t handle the meltdown that always happens when I leave.
Anonymous says
This is totally true. It’s incredibly hard on the child to see a parent midday, after they’re about 11-12 months old.
MSJ says
For that reason, even when I’m working from home, I try not to let the kids see me during the day. As much as I want to give them a quick hug, it makes it much harder for them and their care giver. It’s getting better now they’re almost 2.5
TBK says
Yep. When I work from home, I don’t go back down to the kitchen until the kids have gone to their room for nap. And then I try to hide myself away once they’re awake. So I still only see them at 8:30 and then again at 6:30, even though I’m there the whole time.
Anon in NOVA says
ooooo I really, really, wish I had something different to say than everyone else, but I think they/the daycare are correct. I know for my child that would have been very upsetting and confusing for him. Something about their little brains just can’t understand why you’ve shown up and are then leaving without them, almost like they’re afraid you’re leaving them there forever or something. I can’t imagine how tough it would be to cut out the midday visit if I were in your shoes, but if it’s upsetting your child and they aren’t old enough to understand, it may be right :(
Momata says
I’m sorry to say it – but the teacher is right. My husband works in the same building as our kids’ daycare. He has to sneak by when he has to walk by for meetings, and hide during fire alarms. It’s hard for the kids to say goodbye a second time.
GCA says
Sadly, it’s probably true. I stopped mid-day visits to my son’s infant room probably around 10 months when separation anxiety began to emerge, and definitely would not drop in to the toddler class without good reason! Morning drop-off is hard enough. Or was, until he understood what “Mommy will come back to pick you up after your snack and playtime” meant.
avocado says
Unfortunately true. I hated volunteering at my daughter’s day care because she would get upset when the event was over and I had to leave.
CLMom says
Thank you, everyone! There’s consensus. And, as much as I’d rather have another answer, at least it’s resoundingly clear.
Silver lining: If I’m not going to visit mid-day, then perhaps we can put her in a less expensive daycare a tad further away…
Anonymous says
I’d be cautious about daycare changes unless you’re saving a ton of money. Close location still makes pick up and drop off easier plus she’s settled there and you don’t know how well things will or won’t go at the next place.
If she doesn’t love it there now or it would mean huge difference in dollars, think about a change. Otherwise I’d leave it, especially if you think you might change for preschool or something around age 3-4.
Walnut says
I switched my son’s daycare for a cheaper and slightly further location at 1 year. Transition went perfectly fine.
Walnut says
FWIW, we timed it around a vacation and then gave both sets of grandparents an opportunity to spend a week with him if they preferred. By the time the switch was made, three weeks had passed, which softened the change.
Anon for this says
How would you handle this situation? We had a family event yesterday that consisted of pictures in the morning, lunch at a restaurant immediately after, and then a religious event in the afternoon (spanning from 10 am to 4 pm). I was told the time of everything on Friday and realized this would mean my 9-month old would go the entire day without a nap (he wakes up at 7:30 and takes two naps a day around 10 am and 1 pm). The timing of the naps are flexible, but the naps themselves are not, as he completely melts down when he gets tired (and he won’t nap in a baby carrier/car seat anymore). I told my mom we would go for pictures and then skip lunch so we could get at least one nap in and would meet up afterward for the religious event (which was the primary purpose of the family event). She told me I was being ridiculous and selfish (religious event was for my niece) and that my baby should be able to go one day without a nap. I suspect her position is partly because my sister doesn’t have any sort of schedule for naps or bedtime for her kids – they can skip naps if they don’t want to take them or they are inconvenient and go to bed whenever they want (her 3-year-old usually goes to bed anytime between 9:30 and 11:30 pm), so I think my Mom thinks this is a normal sleep habit for babies/children. I debated bringing my baby and letting him be a complete terror the entire time, but I knew he would have been miserable and my gut was telling me to do what was right for my kid. Should I have sucked it up and brought him?
pockets says
No. Your mom is being unreasonable, not you. She doesn’t remember how hard it is to wrangle a cranky, nap-deprived 9 month old. Your compromise seems reasonable (there may have been other reasonable compromises, but yours is still reasonable). The 9 month old takes precedence, not the adults.
Anon in NOVA says
You did the absolute right thing, in my opinion. You technically don’t have to justify it, but that’s when I used to pull the “he’s seeming a little under the weather, and if he misses sleep he ALWAYS ends up getting sick” card with family. Then they’re put in the position of saying they’d rather have you at lunch than have the baby get better.
It stinks, I’m sorry. Every family is different. My child was always one who HAD to have his naps and whose schedule could not easily be interrupted (he’s 6 now, and bedtime is still a hard and fast thing in our house). I know other families where their kids can stay up until 10 or 11pm and sleep late the next day and be over it. Not mine. you know your child and family best, and your only responsibility is to do what you need to do for your immediate family.
Also, in terms of the “selfish” accusation.. it seems a lot more selfish to bring a screaming baby to a lunch for someone else’s child than to quietly not attend to not disrupt the event.
mascot says
Nope. I think you handled it as well as you could. We were very protective of our child’s sleep schedule and didn’t make many apologies for it. If people don’t understand, then that’s on them. A 3 year old’s tolerance for flexible naps and bedtimes is completely different from an infant’s- these can’t even be compared. I think grandparents sometimes forget what day to day life is like with small children which leads to these rose-colored gaps in memory/reality.
TBK says
My kids are almost three and we still can’t 100% count on skipping nap (some days *they* now skip nap, but I can’t impose that on them). I cannot imagine expecting an infant not to sleep!
Kelly C. says
No, you did the right thing. You knew what was best for your kid and you did that. That is what a good mom does. Your mom should have done the same for you–i.e., done what was best for you by supporting you and realizing that it would not be great for you to have to deal with an overtired 9 month old. Good job on standing up for your son. He is not old enough to do it himself.
Delta Dawn says
You did the right thing. Every baby and child is different, and you know your baby best. Your mom should have understood that, but since she didn’t, you did the best you could– and I would have done the same.
avocado says
Another vote for you did the right thing. Did your mom really want a cranky, fussy, sleep-deprived baby during the lunch and religious event?
P.S.: This is the opinion of someone whose baby didn’t even have a nap schedule!
Meg Murry says
The only way I could see this being selfish would be if you had somehow RSVP’d for an expensive lunch that had already been paid for before backing out and saying “nevermind, we’re skipping lunch for the kid’s nap”, or if they had somehow make accommodations for the lunch just for you and your family and you then skipped the lunch.
But being told on Friday that you were expected to be somewhere from 10 to 4 that weekend with no naps for your kid isn’t selfish on your part -it’s selfishness or thoughlessness from your mom (or whoever planned it).
If it helps, I tend to phrase these things in a way that lets them know I’m not skipping the lunch to be selfish on my part. Something like “I wish we could join you for lunch, but trust me, if kiddo goes all day with out a nap we will all regret it by 1 pm, and I don’t want to subject the rest of the family to an overtired kid. So we’ll take him home after the pictures and then meet you back at [the church or wherever] at 1:00”.
The other thing you could consider in the future if you only have the one kid and a partner who is coming to the events is to have you stay all day for the family event (when it is your family, and partner stay all day when it is their family) and have the other parent do the kid duty of taking the kid home for a nap and coming back. That is what we often do – I’ll get a ride with my mother to help with set-up and then a whole family event and stay for clean-up afterward, and my husband will bring the kids only for the time that they really need to be there and make an exit with them when they are done being capable of being in polite society – and vice versa when it is an event for his family.
Pogo says
Why should you be required to bring your child to anything? The baby is not going to remember it! It’s cute to have them in the pictures, I suppose, but really not the end of the world if baby is absent, especially from the actual religious ceremony part.
Pogo says
Ah I read that slightly wrong – I thought you went to everything but only brought the baby to part of it, leaving baby with a sitter or other relative the rest of the time. Either way, I think you’re not being selfish.
Katala says
What?! No, it’s crazy to expect a baby to go all day without a nap. You absolutely did the right thing. That’s like saying you’re selfish for needing to feed the baby. Sleep is a physical requirement, especially that young. Good for you for standing up for your kiddo.
TBK says
Twin A was very sick last week/weekend (better now) and so all rules went out the window, including for Twin B: lots of Elmo and Spot the Dog videos, meals were snacks eaten in the living room, snacks were all the “good” stuff like Cheezits and Annie’s fruit bunnies, B discovered A’s cup had Pedialyte in it (i.e., very sweet) and decided he would drink only from A’s cup, no real clothes only pj’s, no limits on LeapFrog usage (including using LeapFrog while also watching Spot on TV), 24/7 mommy presence. A was all better by yesterday afternoon and B had a very difficult morning settling back into the old routine. I could hear the screams from outside as I was leaving the house this morning. Sigh. It was rough having A sick, but it was SO NICE having a few days without B screaming.
Anonymous says
That makes for a rough Monday. At least B was easy to deal with when A was sick.
I had no idea that there were Spot the Dog videos! DVD or Youtube?
TBK says
We find them on YouTube. My MIL has them on DVD. The YouTube videos are a little bootleg sometimes, but there are plenty of decent ones, too. The animation is really low grade but the kids LOVE them. There are most of the books but also a few longer features, like a 40 min one where Spot goes to the carnival with his grandparents and a half hour Christmas one.
Anonymous says
Thanks! I love youtube because of chromecast – so excited to look for Spot.
ChiLaw says
Oh we had a similar week (though with only one kid) — Daniel Tiger from sunrise to sunset, if you’ll eat anything you can have it, including popsicles for dinner, etc. etc. This morning, when we had to shift gears back to the real world, kiddo was *not* pleased.
TBK says
Yep. Tis the season for sick kids, I guess.
avocado says
Internet hugs, and props to you for convincing them to drink Pedialyte. That stuff is nasty!
TBK says
Oh, Twin A who actually needed it drank precisely zero ounces. Twin B, who is totally healthy, was sucking it down. And that stuff is not cheap. He’s back to water and milk today. And not happy about it.
Def anon for this says
Hello ladies!
I’m on my second month of TTC, and it’s been 7 years since I last (accidentally) conceived, so everything’s fuzzy.
I’m somewhere between 8 and 10 DPO (I use those tests that give you the solid smiley for 48 hours.. i got the smiley 10 days ago but I guess it could have actually happened anytime 48 hours after that?) but am 1 day ahead of my expected period. Anyway, I’ve had an usual burst of energy starting yesterday. I woke up wide awake at 5am and had a very productive day, and feel the same way today. Did anyone experience a burst of energy as an early pregnancy symptom? or should I take the fact i’m not exhausted to mean better luck next month?
mascot says
Everyone’s symptoms are different, sounds like you are within the window for testing so go do that- good luck
Anonymous says
No I was tired right before I tested positive, but I tested positive on 10 DPO (I think the earliest you can test). So I would test tomorrow morning with your first bathroom visit!
EB0220 says
My symptoms were extreme thirst and muscle fatigue…bodies are so weird.
October says
Yep, extreme thirst all the way. And I never had any br**st soreness.
Pogo says
Doesn’t hurt to test!
My earliest symptoms were period-like cramps and sore boobs, which is totally unhelpful as that is also symptomatic of PMS.
CHJ says
Go test and report back!
Def anon for this says
Thanks ya’ll. I know everyone is different, I guess I was hoping for a “duh obviously you’re 100% pregnant I have magic eyes that see inside your uterus congratulations” or something. Feel some twinges today, but of course that could be PMS (WHY do they make the symptoms so similar?!) I’ll test tomorrow morning and let you know.
Anon for this says
You guys. A few weeks ago after a slew of pregnancy announcements and a few too many drinks (like, 2 drinks. hah!), I told my husband that we should try for baby #2 that evening. I’m SO relieved that I’m getting my period. Waiting a few more months, like our original plan, just makes so much more sense from a financial standpoint (and for me, job standpoint). Whew.
ChiLaw says
LOL similar situation here, except I caught myself before snuggling up and telling him we should try. Sober light of day says, yeah, let’s think a little harder before we try.
PhilanthropyGirl says
Oh I get it. After a baby shower this weekend and a volunteer stint the infant’s nursery at church, the baby fever is serious. We actually started trying a few months ago, and then I accepted a new job that starts Jan 3. I was a bit relieved when that cycle started – although not so excited about postponing TTC a little longer.
lsw says
Favorite teething necklaces – stylish(-ish) preferred! I saved a few Amazon links from Kat’s post a few months ago, but if anyone has any favorites, let me know! Looking for something to distract my nursing monster from acting like he’s swimming laps while eating.
Momata says
I know I posted this before — but I took one of those Angel De@r lovies and basically stuck it under my br@ strap so kid could fidget with the “body” part of it. I really think this helped kid form an attachment to the lovie which in turn helped kid use the lovie to self soothe.
lsw says
Love this idea. Thanks!
Anon says
Ugh. We’ve had a mostly very nice weekend with my in-laws. However, during a (very respectful, very polite) discussion of some current events, my mother in law made it very clear that she sees homosexuality as a “choice,” that people who “choose” that “lifestyle” are immoral, and that gay marriage is fundamentally wrong. I’ve always really liked her, and we get along well. I’ve always known that she has very socially conservative beliefs, but I’ve never heard her say her feelings on it so clearly.
Putting aside all other considerations regarding her stance on this topic, we suspect our older child might be gay, though she has not come out to us. It makes me extremely sad to think my child would lose a special person in her life, and that likely, the relationship between my husband and his family will become strained at best. We do not live in the same geographic location, and there are a few other complications in the relationship, but we’ve always worked hard to keep the families close largely for the sake of our kids. Not looking for any advice, just looking down the road, and feeling sad about what this may mean for our family, as well as for all the kids out there who have gone through something like this in their own family .
Anonymous says
That’s really hard. To give you some hope, my Dad was always against same sex marriage until my cousin got married. When I asked why his views changed, he said “So many people aren’t able to make marriage work so more power to anyone who wants to try.” Basically, time and personal contact may help her change her views. At least you have some geographic distance and your child has the benefit of your love and support.
Arm yourself with info from mainstream organizations so you can make ‘neutral’ reference to things that may persuade her. For example, the AMA removed homosexuality from the list of mental disorders. In Canada, you can get married in church in the United Church (combination Presbyterian/Methodist) and in a couple years the process will be complete for marriages in the Anglican Church (Episcopalian in US).
TBK says
Small correction – I believe the Anglican and Episcopal churches split over the gay marriage issue. It’s been a huge source of division in the Anglican/Episcopal church worldwide and it’s my sense that the Episcopal Church has become increasingly an explicitly liberal church, mostly coming out of this specific issue. No one whose conservative views come from a certain view of Christianity will view the Episcopal Church as either neutral or persuasive.
Anon in NYC says
Hugs. That’s really hard. I’m sorry.
CPA Lady says
I was raised in a very conservative household and was anti-gay until one of my best friends came out to me. At which point I realized I was wrong about a lot of things. So it’s not like what’s going to happen is set in stone. If things do turn out the way you think they will, that’s sad and unfortunate and you can deal with it then. But they may not! People can change their minds, thankfully.
Pogo says
Hugs. This does sound very sad, but I think what is always most important is that you and your husband are supportive and loving.
Anonymous says
I grew up in a very conservative community and my b!tchy go-to about “lifestyle” has been, ‘Huh, as a straight person I can’t imagine choosing to be gay. And I can’t imagine a gay person could choose to be straight.’ Also I like implying that the only people who could possibly imagine being gay is a choice are bise><ual. (I try not to bust that one out too much as I worry it is bi shaming.)
Anecdotally, my family reports that anti-gay sentiment has skyrocketed in their area since November. Maybe things will change and people will go back to keeping their mouths closed.
Meg Murry says
Did your kids hear this conversation (or similar statements from MIL or other family members)? Or perhaps overhear it? And did they hear you refute MIL or otherwise shut her down, or here you just ignore her?
My husband and I have been trying to figure out how to toe the line between ignoring when my in-laws say something that we don’t agree with and changing the subject, vs shutting them down or letting them know we disagree. For them, it’s usually something about race or religion (or inappropriate references to “foreigners” or disparaging remarks about immigrants or calling someone a “terrorist” etc) rather than sexual orientation, but it’s still awkward and frustrating.
For you, I’d work on coming up with a 1-2 line answer that shows you disagree but don’t want to talk about it anymore. When my in-laws are expressing an opinion that we disagree with (like your example that homosexuality is a choice) we’ve found that a statement like “Well actually, I don’t agree, but I don’t think we are going to change each other’s minds about that today, so lets move on, shall we?” at least shuts down the topic. I think it also makes a difference whether they are at your house or if you are at theirs – we’re a little firmer with my in-laws when they are at our house with something like “We don’t make hateful statements like that in this house” when my FIL says something especially bad, whereas we are a little more “let’s just agree to disagree and move on” when we are at their house.
However, our situation is a little different since we live only a few miles away from my in-laws and see them multiple times a week – and my husband does more of the shutting down than I do. Since you also say you don’t see these relatives all that often, I think it’s possible to show your kids that you’ll support them even if their grandparents do not and not worry too much about them losing grandparents they don’t actually see all that often. Does it stink? Yes. But I wouldn’t borrow trouble right now – perhaps your MIL will learn to hold her tongue soon, or perhaps you won’t see them very often in the future. In the meantime, continue cultivating positive relationships in your kid’s lives, and perhaps encourage them to get to know others in your community to act as local surrogate grandparents.
TBK says
I would also add that depending on your kid’s age, it might be helpful to let it slide with the grandmother there and then later ask your daughter an age-appropriate follow up. Like “I felt uncomfortable when grandma said that being gay is immoral. It always seemed to me that people just love the people they love. What did you think?” Hopefully that will open up a conversation with your daughter while letting her know how you feel, and that you’re there to listen to her feelings. You can also model for her how to disagree with what someone says, or even feel hurt by a stance they have, but still love them and be loved by them. This is a complicated feeling to have and it can be helpful to kids to know that it’s okay to love grandma but also dislike some things about her.
Anon says
My grandparents were conservative and anti-gay until I came out to them, at which point they rapidly switched to being excited that their grandchild was getting married and asked about my wife every time we talked. Other conservative fundamental relatives probably don’t approve, but came to our wedding, interact pleasantly with both of us, and are excited about the impending birth of our child, even though I’m not the biological mother.
So lots of anecdotes, but in my experience people react really differently to gay people as an abstract concept versus someone they love finding a partner that makes them happy.