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Oooh, I like this skirt — I’m a fan of a wide plaid in a sedate color ANYWAY, but the different fabric lay on the side solves one of my biggest pet peeves with affordable clothes and prints: the way the patterns line up is often very, very off. (This was my biggest problem with all of the Pleione tops at Costco’s website that readers were so excited about a while ago.) This looks stylish, interesting, and avoids the issue of “how do the prints line up” in a chic way. The skirt is $79, available in regular and petite sizes 0-16 — there are a few matching plaid pieces, like this pretty peplum top for 40% off, if you want more of a look. Pictured: Plaid Pencil Skirt
Psst: I’m invariably hunting through our own archives to see which machine washable work clothes we’ve recommended recently, so I’m going to add a button on our sidebar to make it easier to find.
Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for machine washable work clothes, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear.
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Half Day Kindergarten? says
Our kids (4 and 1) attend a full-time daycare/preschool. We are contemplating moving to a school district that only offers half-day kindergarten (and to make it even better, you don’t get to choose whether your kid is in the morning or afternoon slot — you are assigned). How do families with two working parents make a half-day kindergarten schedule work? Do you just plan to have a full-time nanny as well? Do private kindergarten and switch to the public school at first grade?
Janon says
I don’t have direct experience, but do have a relative in a similar boat. It’s a wealthy area in a very large metro where nearly everyone has nannies or SAHMs. She is a SAHM. Private kindergarten seems like a good option. You could also learn about open enrolling in a different public elementary school. Some schools also bus kids to daycare. You could research that. Wish I could help more. That’s a rough one. I totally trust that you know your area and all that good stuff, but it really rubs me the wrong way. Like I’d worry that no one else in my neighborhood, etc. would have a family with two working parents. In that case, I would want a nanny so that my kids still got to build neighborhood relationships, etc. and didn’t feel different or left out.
OP says
It’s super frustrating because the kindergarten sessions are something like 9-noon and 12:30 to 3:30, so you can’t just get daycare/nanny coverage for half the day — you also need either before or after care! But it’s a very good school district and I worry about all the kids in public kindergarten making friends and then my kid feeling like an outsider if he starts in first grade.
avocado says
I wouldn’t worry too much about making friends. We did private K and our kid had no problem making friends in first grade, even though the kids had all gone to public K together. In our district, elementary school kids are only allowed to interact with kids in their own class at recess and lunch, so they have to make new friends every year anyway. We also put her in a Girl Scout troop where all the kids were in public K at the same school, so she already knew some kids when she started first grade.
Anonymous says
This varies by district. In ours they are in the same class with the same kids from K-6. But two new kids joined in first grade and they didn’t seem to have any problems making friends.
Anonymous says
Our district has pre/post care- day care picks them up.
Redux says
We have a little friend at our daycare who rides the bus to daycare after school.
Anon says
Maybe you’re moving to my suburb. We put our kids in private preschool and kindergarten, which was full day and had after care until 6pm. The other option was using the before- or after-school program (which would put kindergarteners with 6th graders after all of school got out, and only runs til 5:30pm). They moved to public school for first grade and the 5:30pm is a struggle. I’m trying very hard to not go down the nanny route, but I wonder if it’ll make more sense as they get older and start to have after school activities. (We don’t do the park district sports teams, since we can’t make any after-school practices and barely any of the games. I feel bad my kids are missing out, but nothing we can do.)
Join the town’s moms group on Facebook to see the options available. I guarantee there are several two-working-parent households who are figuring this out too.
Em says
My sister’s kids are 4 and 18 months and my niece is in 1/2 day kindergarten 3 days a week. My sister lives in a very small town so this was the only option. Both she and my BIL work full time and the kids are in an in-home daycare the rest of the time. My sister leaves work over lunch 3 days a week to pick my niece up from daycare and take her to kindergarten. The one benefit of it being a very small town is that she can do this within about 30 minutes.
Tfor22 says
This is how it is set up in our school district. “Half-day kindergarten” is more like 3 hour kindergarten, and I just could not make that work. We sent our son to toddler and primary in a Montessori school and then switched to public school for 1st grade. “Primary” in Montessori is pre-K and K.
Em says
Our son is currently in a Montessori daycare that goes up to age 6 and I am considering doing this just to avoid the hassle, even though we have a fantastic kindergarten in our neighborhood.
Anonymous says
My district just switched to full day kindergarten but when half-day was standard, the local daycares all had a kindergarten class. Many also offered a pick up service from the closest schools or parents would pick up/drop off at lunchtime (sometimes with carpooling). So kids had either Daycare AM and K in PM or K in AM and daycare in PM, but that way the daycare spots were filled with parents only have to pay for a half day of care.
Anonymous says
+1, that’s how it worked here before all kindergartens were full day.
anne-on says
Wow, there isn’t a full day K program at all? I thought it was bad enough in the burbs with no public full day pre-K. I’d go private, or use a part time nanny (or au pair if you have space). It sounds so weird, but daycare is SO MUCH easier on working parents (aside from the cost) than school. With full time school you may or may not be able to get after care, and then there are the many many holidays/snow days/vacation days/etc.
PinkKeyboard says
Almost all districts in my area are half day. Most offer half day care through the district so the kids can still bus or a lot of daycares do bussing care. Or there are a lot of private kindergartens.
NewMomAnon says
I did this as a kid – one of the local daycares had a morning kindergarten program, the school bus would pick us up and take us to the public school for afternoon kindergarten, and then we would take another bus to an after-school program. I think public schools have gotten much better since then about providing on-site before and after care, so I’d check how you enroll for that.
AIMS says
I think the prints not lining up is an issue with more expensive clothes too, unfortunately.
Theses shoes are awful. Why are these to go to shoes for pairing with business. Even the Brooks Brothers website does it and it makes no sense – they sell business shoes! Like I get a suit with no shirt – it can look cool – but this just looks stumpy.
Anonymous says
Spouse has been in bed with the flu since Friday. Spouse did not get the flu shot. Guess who did and has been solo parenting twin toddlers (one of whom also got the flu, but a much less severe version because of the shot)?
Lord, give me strength.
2 Cents says
Just wanted to leave you with words of encouragement: hang in there!
Mama Llama says
Try to resist the urge to smother spouse with a pillow. The flu is its own revenge.
SC says
+1. When your spouse is feeling better, he can take the kids one morning and let you have some “me” time. Last weekend, I took some time to get a pedicure and get my car washed by… saying I was going to leave and then leaving.
anon says
Did anyone read the comments on the morning thread yesterday on the main site about money (salary level) and happiness? Some of the numbers that commenters were throwing out as their salaries when they were making SO little (but happier) was more than my salary. I’m just sort of in shock over it and it doesn’t make feel better about slogging through and being miserable only to be making what is apparently so little.
Redux says
I only very rarely venture to the main site anymore. Can you give us the thumbnail version? What were the salaries?
anon says
A poster asked about how much high salary was tied to happiness and pride. There were multiple comments about dropping down to position making $150K or $125 and what a drop off that was (there were also some truly ridiculous numbers that got flamed). I guess I’m just feeling grouchy about my job lately and that conversation seemed really discouraging.
Redux says
Oh wow. LOL, I make half of that. But I work at a non-profit and my friends who went to firms make literally 5x what I do, before bonuses.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I make less than that (govt) and live in a very HCOL area. I cut my salary by about 2/3’s when I moved from biglaw. My salary bums me out because I want more money. I think if I made an extra 25k more, I’d feel comfortable. But mostly because I want my life to feel easier, to save more, and to be able to splurge a little more often. I don’t feel inadequate relative to my husband (who makes more), and I made these tradeoffs because I wanted the job that I currently have and I wanted my nights and weekends back. I do think that money (vs. free/family time) will be a very real consideration when I consider moving on from here, though.
That's me says
I am one of those posters. I make 160K which is awesome, but I used to make twice that and so I cannot lie — it’s a huge pay cut. Also living in a VHCOL, 160K doesn’t get you as far as you might think. Definitely not complaining (the trade offs are priceless) but it really depends on WHERE you live.
Jane says
That’s not helpful. At all.
Janon says
Yes. I rarely read that site. Usually once in the morning when the number of posts don’t take an hour out of my day. That conversation definitely caught my attention. I’m never going to make $2 million per year. And I am 100% okay with that. You know what my partner and I do have: jobs that let us see our child, dinners that my husband and I home-cooked, sleep, time together as a family. That is what our values are at this stage in our lives.
GCA says
+1. I thought it was a genuinely fascinating discussion about the psychology of wealth, but I also thought about it in context of the weekend-thread (I think) discussion about charitable giving. Almost no one here is starving; most of us are professionals with marketable skills; even if we have student loans, even if we’re struggling a little, I don’t think any of us are truly living hand-to-mouth, paycheck-to-paycheck. A little identity crisis tied to whether you make $75K or $150K is sort of a first-world problem.
Anonymous says
It’s not worth worrying about. So many salaries are COL based. I make half of what my BFF makes for a similar job in HCOL big city. I live in LCOL smaller city. Our lifestyles are actually pretty similar – down to the size of our houses and where we vacation. Someone living in London needs to make a lot more money to have the same lifestyle as someone living in Omaha or wherever. The numbers are always relative.
mascot says
Half of the thread revolved around the super high earner who lives in Hong Kong. As for the rest, there are so many variables that go into salary, how people measure success, what people’s expenses are, etc. Plenty of people are making less money than the dozen or so posters who shared their earnings. And half of those seemed to be BigLaw , which makes up a relatively small percentage of all lawyers nationwide so the numbers are really skewed. Comparison is the thief of joy, run your own race and all of that.
Pogo says
I’m not going to read it, because it’ll probably make me angry. Re: the psychology of it, I tend to correlate salary to my worth to company, or my personal success – like getting a good grade in school. So even though I make more than enough for our lifestyle, I still feel like I want MORE, and conversations like this would only increase that feeling for me.
But remember that salary is not a direct correlation to much of anything, but a combination of many other factors. That’s what I try to tell myself.
Anon says
There was actually a thread in there about whether salary takes the place of grades once you graduate. It was interesting and seems pretty accurate.
Anon says
I didn’t read it, though I will for entertainment value. Salary only tells you so much. I’m assuming you’re a mom since you’re posting here. What some of those people have in salary they might want to trade for what you DO have in a heartbeat.
Needs to Try Harder says
Hi All. I’ve posted here before, generally as an Anon, so my story may sound familiar. About 1.5 years ago, my husband and I moved to a small town (about 23,000) people from our decent-sized metro for my husband’s job. I work remotely for the same law firm in our old metro and go to the office once or twice a month.
My issue is that I am having a hard time finding a “look” for my new day to day life. I feel like not going to an office has made me lazy and sloppy. But I also can’t imagine spending too much time “getting ready” to run to Starbucks and pick my child up from daycare. It just seems like a waste of time.
I’m thinking I might be interested in some regular or less regular treatments to up my image/look to both combat this issue and get out of the house/take a parenting break. I already get regular haircuts/color/highlights. What are other things people have done from the neck up to look more put together regularly? I feel kind of silly asking – like I should have learned this all in high school.
Or just any other ideas on a daily hair/makeup/clothes “look” for this life situation?
mascot says
So, I come from a family of women who generally did not leave the house without makeup on. I feel much more put together if I do my face before going out. It can be as simple as some BB cream (spf, yay), under eye concealer and some eye liner/mascara. It takes very little time and looks natural, just smoother and more awake. If makeup really isn’t your thing, how about looking at better skincare or getting regular facials?
I don’t paint my nails regularly anymore, just my toes, but I think that manicures and pedicures look nice.
For clothes, would you like actual casual outfits? Can you restrict the gym clothes to wearing to and from the gym?
Anon says
I was the same as you, but I went from a formal office to a very business casual office with jeans on Fridays. I had no idea how to dress myself and feel pulled together.
Find a blogger whose style speaks to you, and follow their capsule dressing guide. I searched on pinterest and found some images that I liked, then clicked through to their blogs. I found one that felt good to me and followed her blog for a while, but still needed extra help. She offers a seasonal guide to dressing, where she picks out a capsule wardrobe, gives you links to the actual clothes so you can buy if you don’t already have them, and literally spells out what pieces to wear each day (1+7+3+12). Once I did that for a month or so, I could start to do it on my own.
You can do the same for hair and makeup looks, but I keep those pretty minimal. I make sure my hair is cut regularly so it looks polished, and always curl my lashes and put on mascara, but otherwise my morning routine is pretty subdued.
Anon says
Please share your blogger if you don’t mind! In similar situation as OP.
Anon says
I follow a couple – Everyday Savvy, Vivienne Files, the older stuff on Style Your Life, Blissful Mind, but I most like Putting Me Together. Her style is a little more casual, but it’s easy to change the pants into slacks and the cardigans into blazers to make it more business casual. I followed her seasonal challenge and really liked the idea of formulas and “completer pieces” to help me figure out accessories and shoes and such.
Jeffiner says
I second Putting Me Together, its really helped me graduate from just a t-shirt and jeans. Also Wardrobe Oxygen is currently transitioning from an office to working from home, and is figuring out her new style.
Anon says
Thank you for sharing!
EB0220 says
I worked from home for a long time, so I totally sympathize. For me, regular haircuts were definitely #1 priority. I also started getting my eyebrows waxed regularly to keep them tidy and clean up other little hairs on my face. Otherwise, I typically spend about 2 minutes putting on some moisturizer and foundation. And just remember – it takes the same amount of time to put on jeans and an OK-looking top as it does to put on yoga pants!
Anon says
I was feeling pretty down on my looks recently. I’m doing fertility treatments and my weight is fluctuating some so I don’t want to buy new clothes. After reading about it on the main page, I signed up for Rocks Box. I feel less frumpy wearing new trendy jewelry on the regular now. It’s made me more jewelry aware and I’m taking time to wear some of my old pieces now too. The idea is you rent them but you can also buy them. I’ve bought more than I care to admit from my sets. I’ll reply to this with a link for a free month for anyone that wants to try it. Full disclosure, I also get $25 towards a future purchase. The regular monthly fee is $21. You can even wear your box for a few days and send it right back and then get multiple boxes in a month.
Anon says
https://www.talkable.com/x/fS6Y04
AIMS says
I think getting your brows in shape can make a big difference. Maybe try one of the lash serums if that suits your fancy to have a lusher lash line w/o needing mascara. General skincare helps too. I always feel more pulled together when my skin looks good. If a B.B. cream or tinted moisturizer is too much bother, I like the glam glow moisturizer and origins ginzjng eye cream for making my skin look a bit better without makeup. Also, put on lipstick. I go with the Dior LipGlow one because it’s easy to wear and I can put it on without a mirror. Plus it wears off very naturally.
I also think a good shoes/jacket/bag will save even the most blah outfit. So I’d focus my energy on those items and then find a ‘uniform’ you feel put together in. For me it’s jeans and a slightly loose button down shirt. Something about a collar maybe?
Anonymous says
+1 to brows. Also, I swear I am not a shill for them and I don’t sell R&F, but their LashBoost is awesome and really upped my eye look.
Anon in NYC says
Agreed on the brows. If I want to feel a little more put together without also putting on foundation, etc., I find that well-shaped eyebrows with a little bit of brow pencil, mascara, and a sheer lip gloss works really well for me.
Pogo says
Have a hair schedule. For example, on Mondays I will wash and blow dry my hair. Tuesday I usually just do a little dry shampoo to eek another day out of the blowout. Wednesday I will wear it up in one of two styles (sleek ponytail or sock bun). Thursday starts the rotation again. I find that even if I don’t put on a speck of makeup, having ‘done’ my hair makes me feel so much more put together.
If you’re looking for other stuff to get done out of the house: nails, facial and wax.
+1 on accessories. If you’re just dashing out of the house, throwing on a nice trench coat and cute booties with a fun scarf or bag will make you feel put together even if you’re wearing leggings.
And on the topic of leggings, I personally have multiple athleisure wardrobes: one set of clothes I actually wear to yoga and sweat in, one set that are old and threadbare and I don’t mind if the kid spits up on them, and one set that are nice and trendy and do not get sweat or spit up on. The latter is what I wear when wfh, so while it’s still leggings, they’re my NICE leggings. lol.
Anonymous says
Great ideas here! I was also going to say that accessories make a big difference, as does a third piece (like a cardigan) to make me feel pulled together.
legal canuck says
When I am working form home, I wear Make-up, a nice shirt and dark denim (as if I was going to the office on a Friday). I feel more motivated to actually work when I am dressed in that mindset. If I do run out, I usually wear sneakers (not shoes).
GCA says
I work from home perhaps 80% of the time but have frequent videoconference calls, and I second the recommendations for:
– brows and keeping them in order
– accessories (for me, it’s nice earrings)
– putting on my ‘real clothes’ that I’d wear to work at a coffee shop or coworking space, which for me marks the transition from ‘schlepping around the house in PJs’ to ‘work mode’.
Aly says
80% of the way through a two month husband absence. I’m doing okay, if a bit burnt out. Work has, of course, decided to pick up, but that just means taking it home and doing after the kid is in bed. Four day weekend can’t come soon enough – I have family who are taking shifts with the kid so I can do whatever the f I want. Wheeeee to grocery shopping solo!!!!
Mama Llama says
You are an absolute champion! Enjoy your grocery shopping! May I suggest trying to get your family helpers to take the kid out of the house somewhere for an hour or two so you can enjoy TV and snacks on your own couch in peace? (Or whatever you like to do alone at home. I find this to be heaven when I get the opportunity.)
GCA says
You’re killing it!! Are you the poster with a young toddler who asked for advice to get through a 2-month solo parenting stint? Glad you’re surviving ok. You’re almost there. Treat yourself a little.
Aly says
Twas me. I’m pleased to be suriving. Lowering my standards has been sanity saving. Frozen pizza + frozen veggies for dinner is A-Okay in my books now.
Pogo says
HERO. I’m on week 5? or 6? (what is time, even?) of solo parenting, though he comes home on the weekends, thank god. Every night after bedtime I just let out the biggest sigh. And my kid is only 8 months! I had a heart attack imagining doing it with a toddler someday.
GCA says
Go you!! How long does this weekday solo stint last?
I felt it was easier as my kid got older – even though the emotional and behavioural challenges are greater, his sleep got better and better and thus mine did as well! (Caveat: he’s only *just* entered threenager territory – ask me again at the end of the year when I go back to work with a preschooler and an infant. How do people solo parent with >1 kid? is what I want to know.)
Pogo says
I think he has two more weeks? It’s actually been just constant clients and conferences that happened to line up – we’re both normally more like 25% travel.
I was most proud of myself on Monday for getting out with the baby in jogging stroller, since I hadn’t worked out once since the solo stint started.
I really can’t imagine doing it with a baby and a toddler. That seems terrifying.
Aly says
What is time lol – I know how you feel! Once the toddler had toddled off to bed, I’m wiped! But end is in sight. Also, started working out at lunch, so I feel like I’ve gotten me time during the day too.
Anon says
have you done a Cancun resort vacation with kids? I have a four year old and a 1 year old. We’re planning to mostly stay at the resort and do all inclusive, so there aren’t many logistics to worry about.
Still, with the kids, there’s so much to bring. Any advice on what to pack, travel to Mexico, general tips?
Janon says
We just did one. I recommend that once you decide on a resort, you read the TripAdvisor reviews or see if there is a FB fan page. We were part of an FB fan page for ours and LEARNED SO MUCH about logistics, what to pack, etc. The biggest thing I wish I’d packed but didn’t was water wipes for washing my toddler’s face and hands after meals. Also, GET YOUR VACCINATIONS (speaking from experience).
In the time that we’ve returned (3.5 weeks), there have been a ton of travel advisories that have cropped up about Cancun and Playa del Carmen (we were between them). I’d look into those before you decide – if we were to plan something now, we’d pick a different Caribbean destination because of the recent uptick in violence. However, we’re ultra (borderline unreasonably) cautious about that stuff.
All that said, we had a fabulous vacation. I so, so recommend the all-inclusive model for the exact, stress-free reason you mentioned.
FP says
We have gone to Cancun twice with our toddler – the travel warnings do not give me pause at all, and we most recently went within the last 6 months. We usually stay at the Marriott or JW Marriott (they are next door to each other). Not all-inclusive but I found their food and beverage prices to be extremely reasonable and we usually venture out of the resort for a restaurant dinner or two (nothing hugely adventurous – I’m talking about walking down the street).
Also, I’m not sure how adventurous you are about this, but Cancun has most American amenities that you can taxi to – Walmart and Costco. We usually rent a car for one day and do a Costco trip for a case of bottled water and a few bottles of wine to enjoy on the patio after kiddo goes to sleep. Plus a few snacks (chips, crackers, etc). It is not far at all from the hotel zone so I doubt this would take more than one-two hours total with a taxi.
Janon says
Totally fair on the travel warnings. We’re a bit on edge about it because we found out stuff happened close by while we were there and immediately before. That said, we obviously made it home safe and totally felt safe while were there. It was only after we got home and saw the news that we kind of wondered what we had done ;)
biglawanon says
We didn’t do Mexico with tiny ones, but I went to Hawaii with 7 month old twins, two older kids (then 8 and 12), and my husband. We didn’t do an all inclusive, but rented a condo at a resort, mainly because we preferred to cook most of our meals, and have an in unit washing machine.
We’re light packers generally, but I’d avoid bringing large items you simply don’t need. Examples: a pack and play when the resort can provide a crib; bathing devices (I never even used one at home – yes gasp I just put my kids in the bottom of bathtub). Think about whether you need car seats at all – we just paid extra at the rental car agency for car seats to avoid lugging through airports. This let us bring compact strollers. Also clothes needed for a trip like this are really limited – you likely won’t need much aside from swimwear and a few nice sets of clothes, and work out clothes if you plan to do that. I personally would find out what laundry facilities you have access to at the resort, if any – then you can bring even less if there are good facilities available.
Becoming a SAHM says
So I’m wondering…has anyone on this site left the workforce for a few years to become a SAHM? DH and I are decided on this, I’ll be a SAHM later this year for a variety of reasons (financial, HCOL area, his long hours, cost of 2 daycares, etc…). Plan is for me to go back to work in 4-5 years. I’d love to hear from other women who did this and felt like they did it successfully. I plan on keeping up with my professional memberships/networking opportunities, reading business journals so I’m in the loop with trends, etc…while I stay at home. Any other advice? Also…any advice on resigning? I actually have a great job and work for a good company, but like I said, this is the best choice for our family (plus I just want to stay home with my kids!).
Anon says
Good for you! I have no experience. What I can tell you is what an amazing, successful woman who is now an empty nester with a thriving career once told me. Never get all the way out. If there is any way you can do contract work or random projects while being a SAHM (early mornings, naptime, after bed) to keep your foot in the door, it will serve you well. I’m not saying it needs to be every week or every day. But from time to time, maybe even with the help of a mother’s helper. My mother-in-law did something similar. She worked before her oldest child was born, did random assignments at home during her employer’s busy times over the course of many years, and then went back when all her kids were in school. Find a way to keep your foot in the door. That’s something more than keeping up with memberships, etc. Do a little actual work here and there.
Anon says
I don’t like the way “actual work” sounds, but hopefully you know what I mean and it is construed positively!
Anonymous says
Thanks – I know what you mean and this is helpful. It’s definitely something DH and I have talked about! Maybe I can pick up something very PT etc…And my membership actually does have opportunities to do “actual” work on volunteer committees…so that should help a little. But I know what you mean.
BC says
Based on the experience of a colleague, here is my advice: figure out who the person would be that you would like to call in 5 years and say, “hey, I’m ready to come back!” And try to make it happen so that person will say, “Great! How soon can you start?” You need someone with the necessary power, they need to love you, and you need to keep up with that person.
Coach Laura says
I agree with BC’s comments but don’t choose just one person. I had a great boss/mentor who died unexpectedly. Another moved to Hawaii. Another took early retirement. Choose 3-4 maybe and keep up with them. As someone below said, attend the charity functions/auction nights (good way to get out of the house with spouse and dress up, have adult conversations), volunteer at trade events, do some kind of part-time work, network, have lunch with people.
Anonymous says
Plan for the what if’s. What if you don’t go back to work? What if you can’t get a good job? Too many people sunnily assume they will be the exception
Anonymous says
Yes, this would be my advice. I took off a year and a half a few years ago with elementary aged kids. About 9 months in, I started job searching and people were concerned that my skills might be rusty. I had 15 years experience. It took me 9 (soul crushing) months to find a role. If you are planning on 4-5 years, I would be prepared to never get back to your former career— though, of course, much of this will be industry dependent.
Anon says
I say this gently as someone who deals with these cases from the flip side (I do divorce, employment and disability law) What if husband loses job (and the family health insurance coverage)? What if husband becomes disabled? Struggles with addiction? What if husband files for divorce?
It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind but if you haven’t already considered / discussed these possible scenarios with your husband I’d encourage you to. Your career will likely (not absolutely, but likely) take a hit but it seems like you’re aware of that and accept that as a likely outcome. But how will leaving the workforce will affect stability of the entire family unit? What’s the plan if it’s no longer feasible to rely upon a single income for all household expenses? Alimony is rarely granted in my state in cases where women opted out of a good income, and child support obligations etc. are based upon your past earning capacity, not what you’d be likely to earn after being out of the workforce.
If you’re already talked all this through, feel free to ignore my advice. I hope that this works out the way you and your husband intend. I’m sure it must work out for some but since I’ve made a career out of working with those that it didn’t work out for, so my opinions are necessarily shaped by what I see.
Anonymous says
Thanks! We’ve covered all these points except for the divorce question, since our marriage is stable, but it’s something good to talk about.
Tetra says
My mother stayed home for around 3 years when I was a toddler and then went back to a different position in the same company. She networked the heck out of everything, had lunches with all her old colleagues, attended all their charity events, CLEs, etc. She was really intentional about wanting to go back once her kids were in school, and I think her fellow colleagues respected that. It also helped that she had built up a strong reputation before she left. Some of it was probably luck, too — the timing of the market probably helped her.
anon says
I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer, but surely you realize that it’s not that easy to find an employer willing to take a chance on you after you’ve been out of the workplace for 4-5 years. Keeping up with professional organizations and networking only goes so far — if you’re not doing the work, your skills will be rusty at best and employers know this.
So, I’d echo what others have said. If you’re going to do this, find some way to stay ‘in,’ even on a very part-time basis. Is consulting or freelance work an option? Without that, I think you’re going to have a very hard time. Even getting an entry-level position is tough these days.
Looking to our parents’ generation isn’t a great model for getting back into the workplace. Fewer women might’ve been in the workforce in general, but I also don’t think the barriers to entry (or re-entry) were quite as high. Part of the reason why I’ve continued working during my kids’ childhood, even though I would’ve preferred to lean out, was knowing that if I quit, there would be plenty of people lining up to take my place. My industry favors the young and nimble, unfortunately. You can’t get to the mid-career stages without being the young, go-getter first.
Janon says
I totally agree with this. I’d love to lean out now. But I can’t imagine not having something more to do when my child starts school. As much as I’d love to be with her, it just makes sense to keep the status quo and not put my career on total hold. I’ve leaned out a little with reducing my billable hour requirement, having more work from home, and getting off the partner track for the time being. I still feel guilty but we make a big effort to use the dual income to enrich our daughter’s life through travel and other experiences we wouldn’t afford without two incomes. It doesn’t make it better, but it helps rationalize it, I guess.
Anonymous says
I unfortunately have to agree with this sentiment. I have leaned out quite a bit, but I am doing consulting work and keeping my feet in the game. I won’t ever get back to the level I was at when I left my last job, but I’m keeping myself in the game. My own mother had a terrible time reentering the workforce after taking a few years off after my sibling (her third baby) was born and after divorce. She was the rare woman in the C-suite when she left, and she had trouble getting a job, any job at all, for a long time and was very underpaid for about a decade after her re-entry to the workforce.
S says
My friend did this and she took very part time, very underpaid jobs to transition back into the workforce. It worked out just fine but it may be hard to reenter at the level you leave unless you can stay in a bit through consulting etc. as others have said.
Anonymous says
I haven’t done this formally but I was kind of an accidental SAHM for my first kid’s first year. I was supposed to be finished with my dissertation before birth but, well, dissertations sometimes take longer. ;) So I “went back” to writing about 2 months pp, finished in a about 2 months, and then had 9 months before my postdoc started. I tried to be productive but baby was colicky and the transition to motherhood was really rough for me. I did find a support group that was awesome and met weekly, and I tried to be intentional about coffee dates and play dates and music lessons for babies (really for the SAHPs to stay sane), etc…
Things that helped: I lived in a college town and there were lots of people around all the time because of flexible schedules – like students writing dissertations, etc…; knowing that my SAHM situation had an end date.
If I were to decide to stay at home now in my small, highly-class-stratified suburban town I would feel…anxious. There are plenty of SAHMs but none (maybe few) who have professional training or experience, and they are differently religious than me, and I just…don’t know what I would do. I think I would be lonely. SO, my advice is different than the previous responses: Think about what your SAHM life is going to look like. What do you want to do on a day to day basis? Make time for yourself. Yes, this decision is mostly about your kids, but you should think about it as a time for yourself too (i.e., be like my husband, who tells people his 8 weeks of paternity leave when he was primary caregiver for our kid was his “long vacation” GRRRRR).
I agree with all the other posters about making sure your finances and marital stuff is in order, and of course all the advice about keeping your foot in the door professionally. But also be prepared that after 4-5 years you may not WANT to go back to work. That happened to a friend of mine. She had plans to go back when her last kid was in kinder but when that happened she realized she really enjoyed her SAHM life, and the flexibility that it gave her to keep learning (she takes all kinds of lessons!), to work in her kids’ school, and to just be around to manage family life so that it isn’t hectic. During the time she was SAHMing small kids her husband’s job got more stable and his income significantly increased so she doesn’t need to work. Yes, she struggles with personal identity sometimes but is in an area (urban New England) with LOTS of professional women who have decided for whatever reason to be SAHMs so there are plenty of people who are in her situation. And…who knows, maybe after the kids are in college she can go back to her old career or find a new one. Anyway, I am often envious because while I love my job I do sometimes wish for the flexibility her life offers. Grass is greener, etc…
GOOD LUCK to you – and please, keep checking back in here so you can be the person who has a good story to tell in a few years (no matter what you end up doing).
PP Insomnia? says
Has anyone successfully dealt with postpartum insomnia? My three month old is starting to sleep better, but I find that I’m too mentally wired to fall asleep at night (even though I’m exhausted). I’m open to taking medication but I’d also like to keep breastfeeding.
Anonymous says
I think it’s pretty normal. I would have the issue of not being able to go back to sleep since I was so used to getting up multiple times a night. For me I just kept up with good sleep hygiene (no phone in bed) and eventually got back to normal.
Anonymous says
This is normal. Wearing an eye mask at night really helped me. I never used one before kids but it made a huge difference. I was also more sensitive to caffeine post-pregnancy and still can’t drink coffee after 3pm.
Anon says
Have you gone back to work? That helped me get into a better routine, including sleep. I too was so wired during those early months.
EB0220 says
Putting in my usual plug for a thyroid check if you have other symptoms and it hasn’t been checked lately.
Twin Mom Anon says
Seconding this. Seeing my twins sleep better than me at 3-4 months was the clearest indicator that something wasn’t right and led me to get my thyroid checked. Turned out to be an extremely overactive thyroid which then suddenly flipped the other way a few months later.
CCLA says
Anyone care to weigh on on what kind of combo of household help you think might be most valuable? Kiddo #1 (1.5y) is in full time daycare, DH and I both work long hours. We’ve been managing to do (or, at this point, let everything go) on our own with the occasional cleaning service visit, but with #2 on the way, I’m wiped out and barely functioning from nausea, and we’re realizing it’s time to throw money at this.
I’m thinking every other week or even monthly deep cleaners to vacuum, scrub bathrooms, etc. (with none of us home much during the week, it doesn’t get that dirty and we run the roomba), but that what will really be key is someone to help stay on top of the laundry, dishes, and general tidying stuff. In my dreams this person would come about 2-3 hours/day, 5 days/week, but it seems that wouldn’t be enough to entice someone to come out, and that we’d have better luck getting someone over for several hours at a time 2-3 days a week instead. Anyone hired someone like this? Would it be appropriate to advertise this as a part-time housekeeper gig, or would you target local college boards (we’re in a dense urban area)? I’m having trouble articulating what we’re after and wondering if anyone has help like this. Thanks for your input!
yup says
If you had a nanny when #2 comes along, that might solve many of these issues. However, if you’d like to go the daycare route for both kids (this is what we did), we hired a college sitter to come for 3 hours every day, doing a combo of housework (laundry, sweeping, taking out recycling, etc.) and childcare (picking up kids from school and hanging out until I got back home). A college or grad student is perfect for this role, because they’re usually only looking for 10-12 hours a week given their other commitments.
anne-on says
I’d definitely hire a housekeeper/house manager. Someone who can do designated chores – so M/W/F for 15 hours total, 5 hours a day? Perhaps a full 6-7 hours a day depending on your list? That should be enough to deep clean once a week, run laundry/tidy/vacuum on other days, and meal plan/food prep/make freezer meals/run misc. errands on other days.
We manage between my ability to work at home as needed, the au pair managing child laundry/food/errands, and a cleaning crew weekly.
Anonymous says
I posted earlier this week about our situation which we lucked into but has been fabulous.
First, we have 2x/month housecleaning. I have literally never cleaned a toilet in this house and it is the best!
Then, we have someone come at 7:30 to take the big kids to school, then come back to help me get baby ready. Help with the baby is honestly what keeps me sane – because I can trust that baby is happy playing with someone and getting messy breakfast and diapering, etc…while I’m getting myself fed and dressed. After I leave with baby (who goes to daycare at my work), she tidies the kitchen/playroom , puts away laundry, etc…She’s not a real housekeeper – TBH she’s mostly interested in playing with the baby! – but she’s a single mom of 3 so she’s wicked awesome at straightening up and my kitchen always starts off picked up so I can cook in the evening. She’s here between 1.5-2.5 hours per day. If I were going to post for this, I would go the care dot com or similar route and post as a part-time housekeeper (if you didn’t need the help with the kids) or a part-time nanny with housekeeping roles. This would be a great job for a college student who was neat and reliable, or a retired young grandma type who lives in your neighborhood, or even a SAHM mom with school-aged kids who have a different schedule than you.
The final piece of my sanity puzzle is the afternoon college student who picks up the kids from school and supervises their homework and drives to activities. She also sometimes helps with dinner prep, tidying up the kitchen, etc…
All of these components are great, but the best scenario we had was the world’s greatest nanny when the kids were 2 and baby. She was able to use nap times to do serious cleaning of their bathroom, the kitchen was always sparkling throughout, she prepped dinner for all of us, and she did ALL of the kids’ laundry so I just had to keep up with mine/DH’s. But that kind of professional nanny is $$ and hard to find and may be more than you need at this time.
CCLA says
These are all super helpful perspectives, thanks for the input, love this community. I hadn’t thought about having someone help with meal prep, probably because DH loves to cook and handles all of that, but I’m sure he’d welcome the support if we can get someone to assist with that piece. We do want to keep daycare for now, and part of why I’ve been hesitant to move on this is that I realize the answer for what’s best may change when #2 comes (maybe au pair plus limited preschool/daycare hours, maybe a nanny for baby plus preschool for the oldest…too many decisions!), but honestly we need help like yesterday, so I just need to bite the bullet and throw up an ad at a college or care dot com.
Montessori? says
Talk to me about Montessori schools — particularly for a kiddo who struggles with social skills and gets sucked into puzzles. Considering now for my almost 4-year-old due to some other logistical things. Thank you in advance!
Wow says
We love our kids’ Montessori school, but a few friends have pulled their kids out because they were very shy and struggled with social skills and they felt that a play-based school would be a better fit for them. It’s been amazing for my kids but they are pretty outgoing and social to begin with. My 4 year old is doing multiplication and division and reading very well. My suggestion would be to tour the schools and ask to speak to parents with shy children and ask for their candid thoughts. You should also ask whether the school is certified by the American Montessori Society or Montessori International (the latter is much more traditional Montessori, meaning that a child could literally spend hours working on a single thing). That might not the best, given your child. You could also post on a neighborhood list serve with this question.
NewMomAnon says
We toured four different Montessori schools when we shifted kiddo from her large daycare center about a year ago. They vary wildly; don’t expect that two schools named “Montessori” will do things the same way. We toured one that felt very institutional; large classrooms, very student-directed so the teacher was literally just presenting something to a kid and the kid then did his or her own thing; almost every kid was working solo on some task. The classrooms were almost silent and it felt way too structured. We toured one that was very small with a lot of parent involvement, so there was always a high ratio of adults:kid, but the adults weren’t necessarily trained teachers. That one seemed happy, but the required parental involvement meant that it wasn’t very diverse and tended to attract families with one very part-time parent (which is not our family). The one we ended up with probably isn’t the strictest Montessori, but it fit our family and kiddo well – there was lots of opportunity and encouragement of social interaction, lots of free outside playtime, opportunities for imaginative play each day, and then the traditional Montessori “work” periods and “circle times.” The teachers are experienced Montessori teachers, but very loving and interact with the kids a lot.
Anon in NYC says
Agreed on the diversity within Montessori. My daughter is in a Montessori “inspired” preschool, with teachers who have masters, so there is an emphasis on independence, teaching skills, and a real curriculum, but also they have plenty of play time, time outside, time at the playground, and opportunities to interact with the other kids.
Mrs. Jones says
I’d recommend Montessori for that kind of child. Our son flourished in Montessori preschool.
Montessori? says
Belated thanks to everyone who responded; lots to think about!
layered bob says
We are all-in on Montessori and our children attend a very “strict”/traditional AMI school, which is a great fit for them. However it is only for three hours a day, and the rest of the time they are home with me or DH or our nanny. We follow Montessori at home too, but do lots of outdoor/sensory/social play so I am not concerned that their classrooms are more quiet and focused.
One thing to consider is whether you are willing to follow Montessori principles at home – my observation is that the children whose parents are not really sold on Montessori-style principles had a much harder time transitioning to the independence and work cycle, not just when they start the year but every morning. That’s not to say you need to be 100% Montessori all the time, but it is a certain mindset that can be a little different than “standard” parenting best practices.
I do think it depends so much on the personality of the school and the personality of the child, as others have said – definitely tour/visit the school you’re considering. (Although that can admittedly be difficult – our school does not offer tours/visit while school is in session because it interrupts the children’s space and work cycle, so they only have “viewing” days where you can observe quietly from the hallway for a few minutes.
Anonymous says
Has anyone had experience with collaborative divorce model? Husband and I are splitting and I’m considering different options.
NewMomAnon says
Ex-DH wanted to do a collaborative divorce offered by a law firm locally, but I was not at all comfortable with the joint representation model. I wanted my own lawyer so I knew I was getting what I was legally entitled to receive. Having said that – ex-DH and I drew up our divorce paperwork together and split our finances together, after we had both consulted our attorneys. I spent less than 3 hours total with my personal divorce attorney, and I think ex-DH spent even less time with his attorney. This does not have to be a huge legal expenditure.
FWIW, I felt like there three big buckets of decisions – (1) wealth division; (2) child support/alimony/ongoing tax matters; and (3) child custody. Our attorneys spent the most time on the wealth division because our finances were just complicated enough to require some thought (premarital/marital; pre-tax/post-tax retirement accounts; student debt; house; etc.).
Child support is easy; your state probably has a calculator that will spit out the automatic number the court would order. We used that as a starting point, but negotiated a bit because of benefits and tax issues. I found that almost nobody in the family law area understood the nuances of tax as it relates to a dual-earning divorced couple with kids, and I’m pretty sure our child support/alimony/kid insurance/FSA arrangement is not tax-optimized for either of us. But it’s fine and it wasn’t worth fighting over.
My attorney probably spent half an hour advising me on custody, mostly to say, “Here is a range of custody arrangements that are age appropriate for your kiddo, and the judge will not think your concerns about your ex’s mental health rise to the level of reasons to deviate from this,” which sounds condescending but saved me from instigating mutually assured destruction over custody arrangements.
Anon says
The last paragraph sounds very typical for my state. I haven’t done divorce since clinic in law school. But based on that experience and what some friends have gone through in their divorces, it takes an awful lot for judges to veer away from a usual, fairly even custody split.