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Sales of note for 3.28.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything plus extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off 2+ items; 40% off 1
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- Lands’ End – 10% off your order
- Loft – 50% off everything
- Nordstrom: Give $150 in gift cards, earn a $25 promo card (ends 3/31)
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item; 25% off everything else
- Zappos – 37,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – 50% off entire site
- Hanna Andersson – 30% off all swim; up to 30% off HannaJams
- J.Crew Crewcuts – 40% off sitewide; 50% off select swim; 50% off kids’ styles
- Old Navy – 50% off Easter deals
- Target – 20% off Easter styles for all; up to 30% off kitchen & dining; BOGO 50% off shoes & slippers for the family;
Sales of note for 3.28.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything plus extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off 2+ items; 40% off 1
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- Lands’ End – 10% off your order
- Loft – 50% off everything
- Nordstrom: Give $150 in gift cards, earn a $25 promo card (ends 3/31)
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item; 25% off everything else
- Zappos – 37,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – 50% off entire site
- Hanna Andersson – 30% off all swim; up to 30% off HannaJams
- J.Crew Crewcuts – 40% off sitewide; 50% off select swim; 50% off kids’ styles
- Old Navy – 50% off Easter deals
- Target – 20% off Easter styles for all; up to 30% off kitchen & dining; BOGO 50% off shoes & slippers for the family;
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Cb says
Oof… I flew home yesterday and my husband and sleeping son collected me at the airport – he and my husband had gone out for dinner and then he fell asleep as soon as they got in the car. It was only 630!
When we got home, I woke T up and got him out of the car at home and he started screaming, kicking and flailing. This went on for 15 minutes, while my husband and I tried to hold him and keep him safe, and then he ran to the potty. I was sitting on the floor, trying to calm him and keep him from banging into anything and then he put his forehead against mine, nuzzled me and crawled into my lap (luckily post potty) and said “Oh mumma, you’re home, I missed you! How are you lovely mumma?” with no recollection of what happened. He said “Oh it’s time to do what we do best” and cuddled up on the sofa for his story.
He’s had night terrors occasionally but never that badly? I grew out of these, hopefully my kid will too?
Boston Legal Eagle says
My older son gets what I think are night terrors occasionally. It’s usually when he passes out right away after getting in bed, and happens a few hours after. He wakes up crying, screaming and shaking – and always has to use the potty. He’s always fine the next day so I think it’s the combination of being extra tired + bad dream + needing the potty overnight. Hope your son is ok!
GCA says
Oh – I am late to this thread and it’s late at night for you Cb, but this only ever happens to my kids when they wake up and need to use the potty. I don’t know if it’s even the sensation of needing to go – but kid 1 especially would wake up in the middle of the night and freak out, and then calm right down after using the potty. This sounds a little like that to me.
buffybot says
This might not be what you want to hear but my child is a BEAST when woken up from a nap (which is part of why I am glad he hardly does it anymore). Obviously we try to avoid it if at all possible but once in awhile it can’t be helped. The screaming, kicking and flailing is not uncommon, and the worst “tantrum” he ever had was in the middle of the night one night where he fell out of bed and screamed for 45 minutes straight. I really thought he’d broken something but it was just pure rage at having his sleep interrupted.
Anyway, I this this is (unfortunately) pretty normal. I don’t know any adults who act like this, though, so I assume we grow out of it — although I do have some significant concerns for the teenage years if he ever learns to sleep in.
Anon says
+1 this sounds like an interrupted nap/niht’s sleep more than a night terror – they’re a little different. Night terror’s come from nowhere, whereas here he was woken up. But it’s not an always thing for my kid and does pass, so I wouldn’t worry too much!
NYCer says
+2. I wouldn’t worry about it. Very common to be unhappy after being woken up.
Cb says
The worst! It was clear that he couldn’t register our presence at all and then the long sigh and waking up. He’s not a tantrum-er so we didn’t even have a baseline.
Anon says
This sounds like a meltdown, not a tantrum. They’re pretty different and some degree of blacking out or not processing what’s going on around you can definitely happen with a meltdown.
Anonymous says
My kids were awful at waking from late naps, which sounds like the issue here. I learned to mostly leave them alone to get through the angry feelings. Late naps (including inadvertent car naps, ugh) are the worst.
Anon says
You woke him in the middle of his REM cycle. This is not a night terror. I’ve seen kids do this before. (Though 15 minutes is a long time.)
Unless it happens again I’d assume it was situational.
First time home owner says
I need help prioritizing some purchases! Context: I tend to prefer higher-priced and higher-quality goods when feasible and my husband HATES spending money, comes from a first-gen immigrant background, and has absolutely no idea what things should cost. It is super fun buying things as a couple!
I want to get: a swing set, patio furniture, a home elliptical, and bikes for the whole family. What would you prioritize and what’s a normal amount to spend?
I’ve priced out some Cedar works swing sets and my husband is horrified and sent me some $500 plastic Little Tikes ones in response. I don’t really know if I should be spending $500 or $5k on a swing set. We can technically afford an expensive one but I don’t know if it is the best use of our money this summer. Kids are 4.5 and almost 1.
(The additional note is that our very, very kind neighbors have a great swing set and issued an open invitation. Now our kids spend about 2 hours a day in their backyard but I don’t want to overstay our welcome.)
Anonymous says
I mean there are so many options between 500 and 5k? https://www.homedepot.com/p/Backyard-Discovery-Caribbean-All-Cedar-Swing-Set-1606029com/303000515
Anonymous says
Get the bikes now. Your kids can play at the park and make friends. Little Tikes is fine for at home and in a few years, you won’t feel bad when you give it away.
anonM says
I totally get this frugality, and have similarish-aged kids. My two cents, in priority order:
-playset – about $1,500 for playset PLUS mulching/border around it (I was not planning to mulch, but it got muddy so quickly under the swings that we decided to). You can also often find great used sets on FBK marketplace for much less, but you usually have to disassemble, move it, re-set it up, and stain/repair it. You can always offer this option to DH and see if he reallyyyy wants to save some money that way or not. If your kid is at the neighbor’s that much, this will be a solid purchase that you know kiddo will use, so I’d prioritize *IF you can get this oon/before summer. If it won’t come until the fall anyways, not sure it’s worth putting so high on the list.
-bikes – I’d get a good bike for the 4.5 yo asap. Since you still have a baby, you can get away with waiting on full-family bikes for a bit. I can still keep up with 4.5yo on his bike for the most part walking, but am guessing by next year we will have to have at least one parent on a bike with him. But, this way you can gift each other bikes (and baby the bike pull-behind cart thing) for birthdays/holidays!
-home elliptical – plan for the fall. Summer will be here before you know it. This is another thing I’d see if I can get used. Have a feeling many people got one during COVID but are now back to a gym, etc.
-patio furniture can be SO expensive. Do you have some things you can use now and stretch a little longer? We did camping/folding chairs and a picnic table for a long time, and are slowly adding to it (a small set from FBK marketplace, two wooden chairs that we got unfinished and painted ourselves as my birthday gift, etc.) It’s a lot to buy a huge set all at once.
Anonymous says
I am a strong proponent of good quality but used bikes if you can find the right size, especially because kids outgrow them and need new ones every 2 years or so. My bike and my husband’s bike were also bought used, and all of my 9 year old’s bikes have been (1 was free actually). My bike lock actually cost more than my bike (I’m in NYC and used to leave it on the street all day when bike commuting, so it was a worthwhile investment). For kids bikes, I would look at reviews from sites like Two Wheeling Tots to get a sense of what was worthwhile, and then see what I could find used.
In general I think that the second cheapest (or mid-range) option in any category is often the best value, or the top-end one if bought used.
Cb says
I’m not sure if a similar thing exists in the US, but we have a bike rental service, so you just send it back when your kid needs the next size and they send you the new one. They are Frog and Isla bikes, so nice ones.
Anonymous says
That’s such a great idea and seems financially feasible in a densely populated area!
Anon says
I would prioritize patio furniture now so we could enjoy the outdoors. I enjoy summer dinners on the patio, then lounging with a drink talking to my DH while the kids run around the yard.
Given that your kids are too small for long family bike rides, I would hold on the bikes for a year or two – I found 4-6 to be tough ages for bike rides since they’re too heavy for the bike trailer but not big/ sturdy enough to ride more than a mile or two.
Swing set – we got a mid-priced Gorilla one from Home Depot or Lowes or something and it was great. The kids were 3 and 1 when we got it, really started using it a year or two later, and they played on it until about 8 and 6. The “tower” part was key so you want something with a higher level that will hold a decent amount of weight. But honestly if the neighbors are okay with you using theirs, you could also just buy a deck box and fill it with various sports toys for your yard. Tee ball, hula hoops, bocce ball, golf, little tikes basketball, soccer cones, etc. Our neighbors had a beautiful garden but set up a corner as a “mud garden” with dump trucks and river rocks and plastic flower pots, and I think our kids spent more time there than on the swing set.
I abhor home workouts so don’t take my opinion on the elliptical, but I would probably push that to the winter when you can’t really get outside. I’d prioritize a bike or walks to the park over an elliptical.
Anon says
+1 I never heard of a mud garden. I might steal this idea. Sounds perfect for toddlers!
Spirograph says
hahahaha the back of our yard has a slope and is too shaded for grass. My kids use it exactly the same way (and sometimes a mudslide in the summer, if I don’t stop them), and now I have a name for it! I specifically do NOT mulch that area, because otherwise the mulch just gets dumped in the grass to get to the mud. The mud has gotten way more use than any of our other outdoor toys.
Anon says
I think your older kid may age out of a Little Tikes swing set much sooner than a fancier one, if that’s a factor.
Anon says
We just bought a 5 year old Creative Playthibgs swing set from a family across town for $500 and paid a local guy to move it for us on a Saturday, got the whole thing for under $1,000. I tend to pay for quality as you do, and had a new swing set priced out a month ago and a relatively basic model was $6k. My eyes bugged out of my head. We can indisputably afford it but it was just a Big Number. Right now my local FB group lists like a dozen swing sets of varying age/quality from anywhere from free to $1,500. Recommend looking there.
AIMS says
This. A friend of mine just got the most amazing wood set for next to nothing from a family that outgrew it. I often see really nice patio furniture sold used too. I would look for good quality higher end stuff used for the items like that where it doesn’t matter (and upgrade the cushions, say, to new ones) & let your husband feel good about getting a ‘deal’. For stuff that’s better new (like bikes or elliptical), you just get what you want and consider that part of the deal with H for saving on the other stuff.
Anonymous says
I don’t necessarily agree that bikes or an elliptical are better new. Kids’ bikes are often barely used before they are outgrown, and a lot of people buy exercise equipment that they never use.
Anon says
I would get a climbing dome for this summer and maybe budget the full set for next year…tbh I hate the intense supervision one-year-olds need on playgrounds. I’m with you that it’s worth it to pay for quality…but I’m thinking you can get a great one for $2K.
Patio furniture – maybe start with a table and chairs, and then expand out from there when you find pieces you really love, rather than getting things just to make the space “complete” asap.
Bikes – do you and your husband like to ride? If so bikes makes sense. If you just like the idea of becoming a bike family, maybe get one adult bike to start. I agree a bike would be good for the older kid, but it really doesn’t have to be expensive until he gets to be a proficient rider and you can get a bigger bike he’ll fit for years.
anon says
I’d prioritize the patio furniture and bikes for adults as the higher end purchases. the tempory stuff like swing set and kids bikes won’t be used for more than 5 years.
Anonymous says
I think this is so dependent on your area and kids. My kids like to ride bikes – but it only happens when we can all go to a bike path. We live in a downtown neighborhood, so it’s not exactly bike friendly for kids.
For us, a play set with swings have been the best item we have bought. I know the park is nice. But being able to tell the kids to go run in the back yard for a random 30 minute period – and having a playset that they want to play on has been very helpful for us! The kids have also spent entire days just playing in our back yard, mostly on the play set. They are 5 and 7, and we have had the set since the youngest was 4. Your 1 year old could handle a little tikes set, but the 4 year old will quickly out grow it! I would see this a long term investment.
We went to a local playset company and were happy with the price. It was on par with the costco sets we were looking at – and we could customize it to fit our odd yard. They also installed it (including putting it together) – which is actually a lot of work! Also, this isn’t a one year item – the play set should last years.
Mary Moo Cow says
I would prioritize playset and patio furniture. I would go ahead and buy the playset now, and the patio furniture in the fall when things go on major sale. In my mind, you can make do with lawn chairs and a cheap table for the summer. (I have a teak bistro table and chair set from Amazon that was about $150 that we’ve used for two years while we figure out what kind of deck furniture we want.) Also think hard about what you want with backyard furniture: couches to lounge, a table to eat at, etc. For the playset, we bought a Gorilla playset 3 years ago and moved it once because it’s so, so useful. Swapped out the baby bucket swing for a big kid swing, might add in a glider swing, and it extends its usefulness. I wouldn’t want to be dependent on the neighbors and I like being able to send the kids outside for half an hour and keep an eye on them. For DH’s sake, you can comparison shop and show him that you can buy plans and supplies and build it yourself, but we found that adding up plans, lumbar, hardware, and time value of money, it was cheaper and quicker to buy a set. You can also break it down by value over time: yes, $2500 up front, but you’ll use it for at least 5 years, which breaks down to $500 a year.
Anonymous says
I agree that a climbing dome (we have a 6 foot one that has served ages 3-8 well so far) could be a good compromise for your yard vs a full on swing set. Do you have any playgrounds in walking distance? Any trees you could hang a swing from? There are better ways to save on a swingset than getting a Little Tikes one! The kids will outgrow that quickly, whereas my dad built a traditional 3-level fort + swings, climbing rope, sandbox etc swingset in my yard when I was about 6 or 7 years old, and my siblings and I used it constantly until I moved out of that house after sixth grade.
*I* would prioritize bikes (including a trailer for the 1 year old), then swingset, then “nice” patio furniture. Home elliptical would be last on my list, especially now when the weather is getting nice enough that I’d rather exercise outside.
Bikes – $300-600 for adult should get you a decent hybrid that will be fine for family bike rides. Up to $200 for the 4 year old’s, but I’d look for used ones. Kids that age outgrow them when they’re still in great shape. Trailers can run from $100 to $500+ for nice double-seaters like Burley, but same… you can probably find good-condition used for cheaper. (if you’re in the DC area, I have a tiny bike and a trailer for you!)
Rather than patio furniture, which we don’t have a good space for, we just have a few Adirondack-style chairs and a side table for them, plus a picnic table (which we bought unfinished and treated, ourselves). I think it was all <$700 all-in, but you can easily go up or down in price from there depending on materials. It depends on your use case, though. We just wanted somewhere to chill in the yard while watching the kids / relaxing and for outdoor snacks/dinner occasionally. If you have space for a dining table or couches and plan to do a lot of entertaining outdoors, maybe move that above bikes. We have a bunch of folding camp chairs we pull out to use with neighbors in the front yard with the portable firepit ($100).
Anonymous says
I would get a good swingset now, with mulch underneath. If your kids are playing in the neighbors’ yard for 2 hours a day you know they will use it. Your kids are just the right ages to really enjoy it, and you’ll lose out on prime usage if you wait. Little Tikes is penny-wise, pound-foolish.
For the 4.5-year-old, I’d buy a used Trek bike. They are lighter and easier to handle than cheaper bikes, even the REI store brand. I’d hold off on family bikes until the 1-year-old is old enough for a trail-along bike, which will probably be about 3 more years. At that point the older one will be on a large enough bike to keep up with the adults.
Patio furniture is so expensive and gets nasty quickly. I like to buy cheaper patio furniture that’s easy to maintain and replace it relatively often. We’ve had good luck with acacia wood furniture from Plow and Hearth that we clean and oil about once a year. Plastic adirondack chairs are great for large gatherings because they are cheap and stack for storage, plus they’re easy to hose down. I never buy metal anymore because it rusts. Another strategy is to buy folding furniture that you can store indoors during the off season so it lasts longer.
I’d look for a used elliptical.
Katrinka says
I think your kids are pretty young for you to be spending a ton of money on a backyard swing set. At that age, they’re not really capable of playing outside independently, so at that point you might as well take them to a local playground, since you have to be involved. Once they’re both 5+ and can play outside by themselves, the swing set might be a worthwhile investment. Especially since your neighbors are fine with having your kids come over – just make sure to let them know they can speak up any time it’s getting to be too much, but really, why would they care if they offered?
The best compromise between quality and price = buy used. Things like home ellipticals get purchased brand new, people use them 8 times, then sell them for pennies on the dollar. People move or upgrade patio furniture and just want to get the old stuff out of the way = pennies on the dollar if you can find something in good condition. Your 4 YO can have a used bike at this point until he’s actually learned to ride. At this point, you’re moving so slow and it’s going to be such a hassle to “go biking” my guess is you won’t do it that often. If you find that you do, that’s the time to consider investing more.
Anonymous says
Hello! I’m as cheap as your husband but not of an immigrant background. We can afford to buy stuff (HHI ~$3590), I just never want to. My priorities:
1) Family bikes (buy used, especially the kids ones! If you lived in my neighborhood I’d give you one of the NINE bikes we have in our garage right now, most of which are hand-me-downs. Perhaps buy the adult bikes new if you can’t find what you want, or you do races or something, but really look! they are out there!)
2) Patio set- buy new and buy exactly what you want
3) Elliptical- buy new
4) Swing set- this depends on your set up. My kids are 3,6,8 and do still play on the swingset but not as much as other fun yard toys we’ve amassed over the years. Yes, they really are nearly $5k. In my community people are *always* selling these secondhand or giving them away for free (you pay someone to disassemble/reassemble). We got ours from the people we bought the house from otherwise we’d never have bought it new. However, you could get a swing to hang from a tree and build a tree fort and I guarantee you your kids will still use it at age 8. We have a climbing dome and a rope swing and a tree swing and all of those things get used more than the swingset itself.
Anon says
I would prioritize the swingset, followed by patio furniture, followed by bikes followed by elliptical. But that’s because we’re not huge exercisers (and are frankly homebodies) and any and all exercise equipment in my family just turns into a very expensive clothes hanging rack within a year of purchase.
We bought a swingset last year and I think it was around $5K including takedown of the old rotting set and installation. We went for an “upper-middle tier” one that is solid wood (it is a Rainbow play set). I expect it to last 20+ years like the prior set did (a cedar Creative Playthings model we inherited with the house last manufactured in 1988, with new models similarly priced but no local retailers and we like being able to walk into a store and get new things as she gets older (e.g., ninja training course for the monkey bars)). You run the risk with some of the cheaper sets of them not lasting as long, the vinyl or plastic yellowing or cracking, and them not being very sturdy (for example, I at well over 200 pounds have climbed on my child’s set and used the swing and there isn’t even a wobble). Despite that DD is at 4 an only child, we have lots of neighborhood friends and are TTC for a second. We wanted to make sure it was something she could grow into and play with friends on, so it has a 9 foot swing beam, 4 swing positions, monkey bars (too young for those right now), a tented “castle” platform that I am sure will be the site of many clubhouse meetings as she gets older, slide, rope ladder and rock wall. We already had a mulch bed from the old set that we just extended a bit since the new set is bigger. She loves it; I love it! She just this month figured out how to swing on her own and now I can just toss her in the backyard with minimal supervision and no effort and she is happy as a clam. She plays on it every day that it is not pouring buckets.
I think my parents spent around $50 on a bike for DD for their house; we spent $100 on a bike for her here. The build quality seems indistinguishable and she is happy to ride both. Neither DH nor I have bikes, although I have toyed with a cruiser for me as DD gets faster and more confident. Once she leaves off the training wheels (probably another year or two) I might take the plunge. At her age, I typically walk while she bikes and it works fine.
Patio furniture to me is the one can run from very cheap to very very expensive very quickly. My personal preference is for things that are heavy enough to not blow away on our windy days and rust proof. I love my Leisure Line all weather adirondack chairs from Costco (about $170 each) that we have around a fire pit ($100). We have a (theoretically) enclosed sunroom (not the best seals and no HVAC), so my wooden grad school dining room table lives in there and is slowly warping from the temperature swings and humidity. If and when we replace it (or redo the patio and sunroom, TBD which happens first), I will go for chairs that do not swivel and dry quickly (sling chairs are what I usually search for). No glass on the patio table and it needs to be aluminum to avoid rust, but large enough to be heavy (or with a weighted umbrella base to help hold it down); I prefer a solid top for cleaning purposes but it is not a deal breaker. I expect that I will probably need to spend $1-2K on the set that I want.
Anon says
I think it’s really nice of you to consider not over extending your neighbors ofter! I see a lot of suggestions to buy used swing sets. Is it possible your husband is suggesting a Little Tikes playground because he’s not really wanting to help build a playground? If that’s the case, some of the other creative suggestions the hive is offering might be a better fit. Playgrounds to require some maintenance and if you’ve read reviews, usually take several dedicated hours and more than one person to build. As you know, that kind of time is hard to find with small kids.
If cost is a concern on these. On the exercise front. If you are planning on buying a bike anyway this year, maybe a bike trainer could be a good option to start out with? Before we purchased an elliptical, my husband and I used a $50 bike trainer on a bike we already owned for some time. Just to learn if I actually liked working out in the space we had dedicated for it. I learned we did actually use it quite a bit and it helped us justify investing into more workout equipment. Currently we have a wahoo smart bike trainer and a Proform elliptical off of FBM for $300. But it was nice to ease into those purchases before loading up our house with large equipment. If you have access to a trailer, FB has so many unused ellipticals in need of new homes :)
OP says
We are 100% going to pay someone else to build whatever swingset we purchase! Once we found a good handyman, I completely stopped asking him to handle stuff around the house like that because he is crazy busy at work, and, um, not super handy lol. My husband knows his limitations on building this type of thing so that’s not really top of mind for him/me. For maintenance, we’d honestly probably have my dad handle when he visits. :-)
Anonymous says
We just dropped 5K on a playset because the Amish will build/deliver/assemble it for us. And it’s wood covered with vinyl. Kings Swings if you’re on the east coast. But my kids are in the yard 2-3hrs a day and active and climbers. I framed it as “having a great play set makes our lives easier as parents”. I’d also get patio furniture since DH and I sit outside often and I host moms nights because….COVID.
OP says
Thank you everyone for your opinions on this! It is very helpful! Right now I’m leaning toward prioritizing getting bikes because, well, we love to bike! I think a friend may have a used kid bike and trailer so could save there. Love the idea of getting some yard toys and a mud patch – I know my older kiddo would love that. Will continue to research different swing sets and the used market to see what kind of value we can get. We’ll probably make do with our camp chairs for the time being and wait for fall/winter for the elliptical, which I hope I can get used!
Patzy says
We are starting to go out into the world again – yay! Since the pandemic, kiddo has been diagnosed with ASD-1 (formerly Asperger’s, a place on the autism spectrum where kids are often in typical schools but socially behind their peers even if they are advanced, academically). We lost all of our friends when our schools didn’t reopen after we moved to our current ‘hood (kiddo was just fine with zoom school actually). We’ve told the school and have some minimal supports in place there. Do I do anything with peers / parents? Kiddo is old enough to know, but not really aware that she presents differently than her peers and I suspect that a lot of parents / kids who might be compassionate to a person with a disability aren’t to her because she is “weird.” Then again, it’s not my news to share. They are working on a unit in school about disabilities and maybe that is the right bridge? But again, it’s really her discussion (and while she is the sweetest child ever, she does not understand her self as having a disability and really does not sense that there is anything different about her, although she has an annual meltdown when she is very stressed (school lockdowns, understandable)). I don’t know what to do — there is no manual. If she were more severely affected, I suspect that we would have crossed this bridge already b/c there was no hiding of a disability. Here, there is more of a “different-ability” so IDK where to go; I just don’t want her excluded b/c she is different.
Anonymous says
How old is she?
Anonymous says
OP here — 5th grade, so the oldest grade in her school. Next year the kids continue to 1 of 3 middle schools, if that matters. Some kids are practically teens, on insta and TikTok, and some are still little kids; 5th grade contains multitudes!
anon says
This might be an unpopular opinion but isn’t it a good thing she doesn’t know she’s “disabled?” Why give her a label when she can just happily be weird and quirky? She will learn to adjust when necessary, no? And you can help her understand that some kids might be mean when she’s a little different. This might be an instance where focusing on her “disability” does more harm than good.
Realist says
I’m still learning on this topic, but there is definitely a thought among the disabled that they want to be called disabled and not things like differently-abled. They want acknowledgement and accommodation that certain things are much more difficult for them because of their disability. Also that it can be harmful for adults to try to avoid the label and go for “weird” and “quirky.” That can be internalized by the child in a toxic way as something being wrong with them when they don’t understand why something is so difficult for them compared to peers. I think OP should ask this question of adults with autism, such as on Twitter or a subreddit. I don’t mean to make disabled people a monolith on their views and I believe that there are probably times that a label can be bad, but there is definitely a conversation happening right now about this and the general abode-perspective that the label is always bad is not the way.
anon says
Not just an unpopular opinion but an abhorrent one. As an adult disabled person with many disabled friends, there is huge and understandable trauma and resentment over the parents who took this “oh we just won’t ‘label’ you attitude.” And in fact my BFF no longer speaks to her parents as a result of their views on this. This comment, and the attitudes of these parents, are entirely about abled people’s views of how awful it must be to be disabled and gasp, to have people truthfully think of you as such, and not at all about a child’s welfare. The harm they do is real and lasting and teaches a child that parts of themselves are unloved and unlovable and not ever to be spoken of.
Op, my answer depends on how old your kid is (I’m guessing early elem?) and just how her disability presents in social situations. It may not work well now, but I would start priming her to develop scripts as she ages to explain when specific recurrent social problems come up. MY ASD friends tend to be very matter-of-fact and untroubled about this — “I’m sorry I misunderstood, I have a hard time telling when other people are truly upset. Next time can you [insert helpful thing here]” Kids respond pretty well to that sort of direct nondrama, and the one’s who don’t, eh, better to know now. And I would make sure teachers are not only aware of the dx but have specific examples of how it may present and how to intervene to smoothe your kiddo’s way a bit without doing anything obnoxious like trying to force other kids to play with her.
Anonymous says
This is all very vague. You tell people who need to know what they need to know. If a parent taking care of her needs to know a specific thing, you just tell them that.
Anon says
I agree with this. If my kiddo has a playdate, I let the parent know that she can’t handle loud noises like a vacuum because she’s autistic. While her autism is a “disability” in a legal sense for IEP purposes, she is not disabled such that everyone needs to know about her autism diagnosis all the time.
Anon says
Honestly you could probably even leave off the autism part and just say she can’t handle loud noises.
anon says
Yeah coming at this from the other side, we’re in a carpool right now with a kid who I think must be neurodivergent And it is hard and I am fully willing to try to manage it as best I can, but his parents never mentioned it and have never brought it up. I’d love tips or tricks or warnings as to how to help him instead of pretending that there aren’t some underlying things going on that I don’t know about.
Anon says
Maybe focus on self-advocacy skills? Empower her to explain what she needs in situations.
FWIW I think kids are pretty aware of ASD. My 3 year old has an ASD-2 classmate and watched a Daniel tiger and we were able to put it together and talk about it. Another one of my kids has a more visible disability so we talk about everyone being different and needing different things.
Anon says
Are there any extracurricular options? My nephew really thrived in an after school kids’ club for neurodivergent kids. He actually made friends there.
Anonymous says
Tell her she’s autistic and let her go from there. You might want to do a 1-page “resume” for a new teacher telling her strengths/weaknesses/particularities. I’ve heard good things about these 2 books.
https://www.amazon.com/Asperkids-Secret-Book-Social-Rules/dp/1849059152/ref=sr_1_8?crid=11WIEZ4Q1WN9S&keywords=the+survival+guide+for+kids+with+autism+spectrum+disorders&qid=1649350394&sprefix=kids+guide+to+autism%2Caps%2C61&sr=8-8
https://www.amazon.com/Survival-Autism-Spectrum-Disorders-Parents/dp/1575423855/ref=sr_1_4?crid=11WIEZ4Q1WN9S&keywords=the+survival+guide+for+kids+with+autism+spectrum+disorders&qid=1649350394&sprefix=kids+guide+to+autism%2Caps%2C61&sr=8-4
She might be a bit old for it but the book Slug Days is also very good.
https://www.amazon.com/Slug-Days-Sara-Leach/dp/1772780324/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3TZ55HCQZ0YKJ&keywords=slug+days&qid=1649350519&sprefix=slug+days%2Caps%2C67&sr=8-1
EDAnon says
My kids were exposed to COVID so they are home until next week. We are supposed to travel for Easter (by car) to see elderly in-laws so that’s on hold for now. My grandfather is ill and was given his last rites, so I am hoping he hangs on long enough for us to get through this, so I can be there to support my mom. I have a huge project due for work that I was planning to finish before our trip, so I have to find time to do that with the kids home.
All of that is irrelevant to my question. My 5yo is in this cycle of refuse/demand, which is driving me nuts. For example, we will ask him to get dressed for school. He refuses. Minutes later, he demands that one of us dress him for school. It drives me nuts in part because it is just so rude. My family growing up was big on politeness (to a fault) so I struggle with that.
Any advice? Do I just wait it out? He is my strong personality. So far, waiting it out has served us best.
Lily says
Lately, when my 3.5 year old has issued “rude” demands (meaning in a loud or whining voice with no “please”), we say that she can try to ask again, politely, in a couple minutes. We don’t make her wait more than 1-2 minutes, but it seems to be getting good results.
Anon says
That sounds hard, and it seems like your son may be picking up on the stress and looking to assert some control. Can you cut out the first part of the cycle? Instead of asking him to get dressed, say “ok, it’s time to get dressed” and then take him to his room and dress him. He may try to resist that at first, but you could sit a moment while he collects himself and I bet he’d let you continue.
I would not worry much about the “rudeness” yet. You can try to gently correct (“Hmm, that wasn’t a very nice way to ask. Do you want to try again?”), but this all sounds developmentally appropriate, and you digging in will make him dig in more. Basically: figure out the best way to get the task done and do that, without worrying too much about future bad habits. This is a difficult time.
EDAnon says
Thanks. I definitely need to set my concern about rudeness aside. He’s just a kid but my parents were so intense about it. It’s one of those moments where I hear them in my head.
Mary Moo Cow says
My 4.5 year is also in that cycle and it can be exhausting. I also come from a polite family and was raised in the lower South, so politeness is in my DNA. I’m raising kids in the upper South, where politeness is still present but much less expected than where I grew up, and so I struggle with my kids not using the same manners that were expected when I grew up. I don’t have real advice on that front.
On the demand and refuse cycle, it’s a coin toss for us whether just walking away is successful. Sometimes that will prompt DD to get dressed herself and sometimes she will follow me out of the room still demanding that I dress her. I’ve tried “You want to try that again?” and “I won’t answer to that demand,” to mixed results, too. So no real advice on that, either, just commiseration.
Anonymous says
The whole sir and ma’am and excessively polite thing is super authoritarian and controlling.
EDAnon says
It is! But I also grew up down south and it was expected. I live in the upper Midwest now and when I lapse i to it, folks are totally weirded out.
Anonymous says
He’s not being rude. He’s being 5. This is developmentally normal. Of course you say things like “please be nice to mommy” but I view a focus on politeness with young children to often be controlling. Yes they can do please and thank you but kids being kids is not rudeness.
AIMS says
Im in this stage too and it’s the worst. Yesterday at dinner, my 4 year old said he didn’t want more food and then yelled at me in near tears that he was still hungry and why am I not giving him more food.
What does seem to help is presenting him with options. So instead of ‘let’s get dressed’ or ‘would you like to get dressed,’ we’ll say, ‘would you like to pick out your clothes or want me to do it?’ Or, instead of ‘do you want ketchup?’ we’ll say, “would you like to squeeze your own ketchup or do you not want any ketchup” … it’s exhausting but seems to help. Otherwise we’ll be half way down the street and he’s screaming about how he wanted to go another way.
Anonymous says
I’m pregnant and have a major work event scheduled for when I will be 16.5 weeks. There will be about 100 coworkers there and it’s a key development opportunity so I plan to attend. There are a number of COVID precautions in place so I’m comfortable attending. Everyone will be PCR tested 24 hours before and antigen tested at the door, and it’s being held outdoors.
I was hoping to hold off on telling work until after my anatomy scan at around 22 weeks. I was pregnant once before and had to terminate at 8 weeks when I was was diagnosed with a serious illness. Odds are basically zero that it would happen again but I understandably have some anxiety.
Anyway, I’m fairly short and it’s likely I will have crossed into “is she pregnant territory” at that point. Would you tell work? And if not, suggestions on what to wear to try to obscure pregnancy at that stage?
Anon says
Maybe ask yourself, Why would you want to disclose?
I have always told work fairly late in the game (6 months-ish), because I also had a little anxiety after having three miscarriages (I’m so sorry about your previous pregnancy!) . The thing I’ve found through all three of my pregnancies is, even if I feel like I am showing, no one at my work is going to ask me or make a big deal until I finally tell them. There was definitely speculation behind my back – my work bestie told me about it after I told her and swore her to secrecy- but hopefully most workplaces are savvy and respectful enough to know there is no pregnancy until a disclosed pregnancy. And even then it’s not a big deal. I feel like I was always very self-conscious about being pregnant, but it’s not even a blip for other people.
I wore a lot of cardigans, jackets, scarves and untucked shirts. Some swing type dresses and unbelted shirtdresses too.
Anonymous says
I’m a proponent of telling people when you’re ready, even if everyone could already guess (within reason — give work a couple of months’ advance notice at least!). I told my office around 18 weeks, when I thought I was definitely showing but people still seemed somewhat surprised.
Anon says
Ditto this. I think it’s up to you. With my second, I told a few of my close partners around 16 weeks (who did not share) because I had HG and just didn’t tell other people. YMMV but I felt like for those not on my team it wasn’t something I felt like discussing because I endured a lot of sexist bs with my first. Obviously toward the end people figured it out but for those it didn’t affect I just didn’t share.
Anon says
Belted shirt dresses would be good. Basically anything that goes in at the waist. Early showing tends to be pretty low, so something with a waist and then a flowier bottom would work.
Anon says
I understand the anxiety and I’m sorry for your earlier loss.
I wouldn’t tell at that stage, and honestly – very few us of are as slim and trim as we were when Covid started, so it’s likely many of your 100 coworkers are going to be so concerned about concealing their own bodies they may not paying close attention to your specific body changes.
At that stage, to hide a pregnancy, I leaned on loose dark, modest v neck patterned shirts and a blazer, skinny pants, and flats. At 16 weeks my b**bs and stomach would have been competing for which grew more and the vneck was helpful to draw eyes a bit up from the tummy.
Anonymous says
Personally, I tell on the earlier end because I get severe pregnancy sickness (HG) and need them to be aware. I also have had 2 miscarriages but (fortunately?) they occurred before my super bad vomiting set in. I think I told key people around the 10 week mark.
That being said, if this is your first pregnancy other than your loss, I think the chances of other people really knowing that you’re pregnant without you telling them at 16.5 weeks is slim to none. Just wear clothes that aren’t super tight. If you don’t want/need to, wait as long as you want to disclose!
Anon says
I wouldn’t tell work, unless I was visibly pregnant. People may very well gossip, but that’s their business. I’d do a drapey cardigan (conferences are always cold anyhow) and looser tops and just flounce through it.
Anon says
I would tell, just because I looked quite pregnant by that point with both of my kids. However if you want to hide it, wear a looser top with something structured over top, like an open casual blazer. Having the visual length and structure works the best to disguise IMO. Jewelry also helps to draw focus away.
Anon says
I would tell work when you’re ready to tell work. I told around 14 weeks (once I had the NIPT and NT results – but I also had appointments every 2 weeks because I was “high risk” due to being older/doing IVF, so I felt comfortable that things were going as well as they could go). I did tell my manager at 7 weeks because she is a close friend, too.
I’ve had colleagues announce earlier and later. I’ve absolutely had colleagues announce several weeks after they were showing. No one cares. My personal view is that waiting until after whenever you get your anatomy scan is perfectly acceptable. If you waited until, say, 35 weeks, then that’s a bit late in the game for your manager to plan coverage for your leave, but giving them 18-20 weeks to plan is totally fine.
Anon says
Paging lawyer moms who work in academia. I am looking into applying for a part-time faculty position. This is something that I would like to explore given the fact that I enjoyed law school more than I enjoy the law practice. Should I be looking into writing a law article to show interest in academia? If so, where do I start? Do any of you practice law and also teach part-time? What are the pros and cons? Thanks!
Anonymous says
What type of law do you practice? Did you go to HYS? Have you clerked at or argued before the Supreme Court? Are you okay with an adjunct legal writing position?
Anonymous says
I did not go to HYS or clerked/argued before the Supreme Court. Yes I am okay with an adjunct writing position.
Anon says
Is your long-term goal getting out of law practice? Being an adjunct is not the way to do that IMO. The pay per adjunct class is abysmal – so it’s either going to be something you basically do part-time for fun money but is nowhere near a full-time salary, or you’re going to have an incredibly heavy course load and work very long hours for a lot less money than a lawyer makes.
Allie says
Adjunct writing really just involves calling the school and inquiring even at the absolute top law schools. No HYS needed . . .
Anon says
These jobs are really obtained by networking, not by writing a law review article. I agree that unless you have impeccable credentials, you’re looking at adjunct/part time jobs, not tenure track jobs. Sometimes an adjunct job can get you on the tenure track (it happened to my dad, albeit his TT job was not in a law school) but it’s pretty rare.
Anon says
I work in a law school and am an adjunct at our education school (trained as an education administrator, not as a lawyer). I would start by asking student groups in your field if they would like you to sit on a panel or give a career talk. This will likely put you in touch with the student affairs office or career services office. I’d try to get involved this way and once you know the CSO or SA leadership, inquire about co-teaching a short course. These are usually done with practitioners and are a great way to get started. Once you do that then semester-long teaching opportunities may arise. The pay will likely not be worth your effort but that’s up to you to decide. I teach at a top tier education school and am paid an adjunct rate of around $10k per class and I think that is on the very high end of adjunct pay. The law school adjuncts at my law school are typically found in short courses and industry focused electives, not doctrinal courses – so if you have your heart set on Con Law, I’d let that dream go right now.
Anon says
That is definitely on the high end of adjunct pay. I know people who’ve been paid as little as $2k per class.
Anon says
Yes. It is not uncommon for adjuncts to earn $10k or less per semester, even with a heavy workload.
Allie says
Do you just want to adjunct or do you want an actual position? If you just want to adjunct honestly just call up a local law school, mention what you could teach and see if they’re looking. It’s often done like that. It’s fun but pays terribly. Actual position is a different story . . . .
anon for this says
Seeking some perspective on an issue with my 7 yo daughter. Her teacher has started sending home notes that she’s not finishing some assignments and is distracted in class. This has always been a challenge but seems to be moreso recently, though she is academically advanced. At what age is executive function a real concern? FWIW DH is militantly opposed to ADHD screening (long story, trust me on this) so unless the teacher forces the issue we won’t be doing that independently. Do kids go through phases where their attention lags but recovers, like growth spurts for the brain?
Anon says
I’m militantly opposed to not exploring options that could help my kid, so I’d overrule your husband here.
(To your question, though – I mean, I go through that as an adult and I don’t have ADHD, so probably yes)
Anonymous says
Yup. Not acceptable to refuse to treat your kids health.
Anonymous says
It’s pretty much impossible to get a kid evaluated for ADHD without both parents’ consent and participation.
Anonymous says
I mean what is the point? The answer is screen her for ADHD if you’re not willing to do that, then this will either just continue, become a bigger problem, or go away.
Anonymous says
I don’t have suggestions, other than we are considering having our kindergartener screened. She’s young for her age which complicates things. Every time we are darn near sure she’s never going to grow out of a concerning behavior, she does. We are hesitating on the screening because we don’t want to dx her too early. Her teacher also reports it is not an issue at school, but in the same breath shares that “[kiddo] often appears distracted or like she is not paying attention, but when I call on her she immediately answers or otherwise indicates that she’s paying close attention.”
FWIW we find her ability to function at school is directly correlated to her sleep quality. She’s had sleep issues on and off for years.
Anonymous says
I’m not sure if this is helpful…but I don’t have ADHD and I was constantly that kid who got called on purposefully (because it looked like I wasn’t paying attention) and I always was. I was just bored AF in school. I have a masters degree and usually had a 3.9+ GPA in college.
Anonymous says
A few notes that kid isn’t paying attention would not ever occur to me as a reason to test for ADHD. We had issues with one of our twins acting up in the fall. Literally all it took was explaining that the teacher talks to mom and dad so if you misbehave at school. We will know about it and there will be consequences at home.
We expect our kids to be respectful and well behaved in class. If they are bored because the work is too easy, they can tell us that and we will address it but it is not a reason to misbehave.
Anon says
+1 to all of this.
AD says
+1 the responses here seem a bit nuts. A few notes that she seems distracted… maybe she’s tired, maybe she’s bored, maybe she’s fighting with her friends, maybe there is bullying, maybe she has a crush, maybe etc etc etc.
If there are other reasons to be concerned about ADHD, sure, but getting a note from a teacher and not testing for ADHD is just plainly not “refusing to treat [her] health”.
Anne-on says
Omg I would fight my husband to the mat on this one. I have ADHD, as does my son (both ‘girl type’ – innatentive type) and let me tell you right now that ignoring it and hoping she gets better as she gets older is a perfect way to set your kid up for anxiety, depression, and a deep resentment of you when she finds out that yup, she does have ADHD and you didn’t diagnose or treat her. That was my life as a child in the 80’s and it was awful, 100% do not recommend.
If you still won’t get her tested/treated, start reading up on executive functioning coaching skills NOW and see how you can apply them. Frame them to your husband as ‘organizational’ skills – ADDItude magazine is a great resource. But seriously – test her.
anon says
Your husband is being actively unhelpful. Let me guess, he thinks he was misdiagnosed or something? ADHD does run in families, so … please test her if there is even a slightest bit of doubt. A diagnosis is not a bad thing; it is the pathway to getting real help. And often, schools won’t help until/unless there’s some medical documentation.
Signed,
Mom of an ADHD kid
LittleBigLaw says
Reposting from yesterday since initial post was late in the day (thank you to the commenter who responded!). I’m wondering if any of you have successfully used a virtual PA and what tips/recommendations you have for leveraging that type of help. Context: I have a lot of non-billable commitments outside of work through civic groups, church, pta, professional organizations, etc. that require a significant amount of planning, budgeting, delegating, emailing, following up, etc. These are tasks I would give to an AA if they were work-related, so I’m wondering if a virtual PA could help me in a similar way. Would also be great if I could offload some home management and/or personal tasks like placing the weekly online grocery order, managing the family calendar, etc. Is there a way to make this work or is this a pipe dream?
Anonymous says
I have a former colleague that is a VA and also operates her own business where she farms out work to other VAs in her network. She’s a rockstar and not cheap and worth every penny. She has been an exec admin to several senior executives and CEOs.
If you’ve ever had a good exec assistant you know they are worth their weight in gold (and charge accordingly). So, yes, it totally works but you have to know how to use them.
Anon123 says
We are having someone come over to spread mulch this weekend. This is one of those things we used to do ourselves and I am so happy to not spend my entire Saturday morning shoveling mulch.
What are some things you finally threw money at and never looked back?
Anonymous says
Cleaners (not yet figured out a schedule; it’s usually just before we host a party or overnight guests, so roughly once a month). Every once in a while I think about it and catch my breath, because I never thought in a million years I would own a home large enough that I cannot clean it myself. Used to give me so much joy in my little apartments!
Anon says
We tried to throw money at landscaping last summer but it was a disaster. We paid $3k, they messed up our gutters, and now we have a bunch of mulch with no plants in it (there are all allegedly plants but none of them have shown signs of life, even though all our neighbors have things blooming). I have a black thumb but I love flowers and I really thought this was something that could be outsourced, but alas it did not happen the way I was hoping.
Biweekly cleaners are where I see the best return on investment, personally. Paying $200 every two weeks to never clean my house is very, very worth it to me.
Anonymous says
Do you have irrigation?
Anonymous says
We did this because DH is going overseas for an extended period of time…but we got biweekly cleaners and yard crew. Same on the mulch – DH always did it but it took near all weekend! Last bit is we’ll be hiring a babysitter for 4hrs:week
Spirograph says
Biweekly cleaners and landscaping/lawnmowing. I enjoy yardwork, so if I ever find spare hours in my week again I might take that back over, but there are a lot of things I’d cut from my budget before housecleaners…