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Anonymous says
My daughter recently had a birthday and I’m pondering if I should say or do anything– I think the answer is no, but it’s just niggling at me.
She turned 10. My parents are divorced. My mom, dad, and in-laws all asked me for b’day ideas for kiddo and I gave them a bunch, as well as some general suggestions. I was careful to keep all my suggestions separate so there aren’t duplicates or issues with so-and-so getting the “favorite” gift. My mom asked several times and I gave her ideas in all price ranges and level of complexity (eg. order from amazon to actually have to put some thought in). So birthday time comes- my MIL tells us in advance which suggestion she is going to take, then gets the gift and adds a few things of her own. My dad never told me what he was going to do, but ended up getting a gift card to her fave place + two great gifts (one I suggested and one he came up with on his own that my kiddo loved).
My mom makes this big deal out of being with Daughter on her birthday, which is fine, but a little stressful because DH and I took her to a sports event on her b’day, but we made it work. So Grandma comes over and my kid opens…a (clearly to me used) black long sleeve cat t-shirt in an adult size M.
Readers, my kid does not like cats, does not have an interest in vintage ts (this isn’t even “vintage”- it’s like, from the walmart weird shirt discount rack several years ago and since worn, and isn’t anywhere near an adult size M.
My daughter smiled and said thank-you and we moved onto cake. But like…this gift? It basically said “I don’t know anything about you, I have no interest in getting you something you like, and I found it at the bottom of my closet on my way over.” If it were just a bad gift, then whatever. But it’s a bad gift that is *clearly used* and of no relevant interest or connection to my kid to whom she is fairly close. AND she spent like 3 straight weeks asking about birthday ideas. I really do think my daughter was confused, or had some hurt feelings– in the moment I think I was like ha, you know that Grandma, she can be such a weirdo. One time she gave me music box clown when I didn’t like clowns OR music boxes. Gotta love her!
The weird thing is, my mom spends a decent amount of time with my daughter. My daughter has a lot of obvious interests. My mom is also a teacher at an elementary school so like, even absent any ideas of her own, she’s around same-age kids all the time and can figure out like hey, a pop it or squishmellow is an easy hit if you literally have no other ideas because all the kids have them.
What, if anything, should I have said anything to my daughter, or to my mom? I was so shocked by the pure weirdness of it all, I think I may have said something like…”so…is there anything particular you think she’ll do what that shirt?” and she said something like “well it will be great pajamas.”
To be clear, it has nothing to do with not getting a nice gift. It was more…the presence of a gift that was so clearly NOT purchased with her in mind that bothers me after my mom was so insistent on all these gift ideas being sent to her. A homemade card and a balloon would have meant a lot more than this. My cash strapped sister sent her a $10 starbucks gift card via email and she was overjoyed. Not to mention, it sort of makes my mom look bad since the other grandparents got gifts that aligned with her interests–I guess that’s all up to the adult to decide but I feel a little guilty since I gave them all equally good ideas?
Anonymous says
I think the only thing to keep an eye on here is your mom. Is this odd and she’s always been odd? Is this odd, and a one off thing? Is this odd, and part of a pattern of her getting more odd? I wouldn’t say or do anything just keep an eye on your mom.
Anonymous says
That’s what DH and I said right after, actually. She’s 66, and she’s always been odd (see: actually gave me a clown music box!) but it’s gotten worse with age and also I can see it really coloring how my kids see her as time goes on. My best guess is she never actually got around to getting anything after all that drama and grabbed something out of her closet.
Cb says
Yeah, my in-laws will ask for very detailed lists (for adults too, we opted out a few years ago to much drama) and then buy random things.
My mom is the queen of the used books as gifts, but those are fine.
anon says
+1. Also, sometimes undiagnosed/untreated/off medication for things like ADHD, depression, anxiety etc can lead to some odd behaviors/procrastination. She might very well be very embarrassed over this.
It’s also good for kids to learn that people show affection in different ways. Some spend time on your birthday, some remember to send a card, some get gifts. All ok.
Spirograph says
+1
And kudos to your daughter for responding politely, in any case! I wouldn’t say anything to anyone (other than your husband, obviously) beyond a light “oh, grandma picks such interesting gifts sometimes!” because it’s hard to do that without sounding gift-grabby. But definitely compliment your daughter on her good gift-receiving manners, and keep an eye out for other “off” behavior from your mom.
Anonymous says
It’s hard for me to separate my own issues with my mom and kid from this so take it all with a grain of salt. My oldest is growing up, and it’s clear my mom has no interest in getting to know him as a person. So she does stuff like this: gets him “educational” gifts when he’d rather have a squishmallow, or she’ll get him something super babyish or that he hasn’t had an interest in for years. My mom is very insecure so I usually chalk it up to that. I think she’s really struggling with aging and trying to keep my kids little. I would just keep an eye on your mom: is she losing it? Or did she have a weird day where she couldn’t get her stuff together to get her granddaughter a real gift? Both are a bit sad, but also not a lot you can do. I think it’s sort of good for kids to get gifts they don’t like: they can practice being polite and experiencing disappointment with a safe place to land. Sorry: it sucks for your kid.
Cb says
Oof, that’s such a weird gift and interaction. I think “grandma is so zany…” is a good line to take.
GCA says
+1 I could have written this: it is clear my mom has no interest in getting to know my kids *as people*, just as a cute and entertaining collection of achievements, which was easier when they were tiny babies and toddlers. So, with some sadness, I’m trying to learn to accept that. (Luckily, all other grandparents mostly do well with understanding who the kids are and putting in the effort to interact with them as people.)
Separately, for OP, it sounds like your mom’s love language is…not gifts. Maybe it’s quality time. Either way I agree with checking on your mom to see if this is ‘regular odd’ or behaviorally very out of the ordinary for her – it may be an early warning sign, especially after all the wishlist kerfuffle.
Emma says
My grandmother has a history of terrible gift giving. My parents took me aside and explained that this was a funny quirk of grandmas. They also had a closet of awful things she had given us that we would only take out when she was coming over. I’m not sure if this was a good idea, but they frequently would take me to the store and let me get a substitute gift “from grandma” that I picked out. I love my grandmother, we spent a lot of quality time together, and she is still alive and still mails me terrible gifts and I’m used to it and just kind of smile and say oh that’s grandma. If you think your daughter is upset I would lightly bring it up with her.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree with this. Maybe gifts aren’t her thing, or at least aren’t the thing your daughter should be close with her on. You say they spend a lot of time together – great! This is how they can bond, not over weird gifts. Her saying thank you and moving on is great.
Anonymous says
This. I would take this scenario any day over my mom who is always trying to outdo Santa and is so over the top with gifts. Gifts are clearly not your mom’s love language. Maybe she’s asking because her finances are tighter than she was willing to let on, didn’t plan well and panicked at the last minute. I would just move on from this. When your daughter has been showered by gifts, I would not waste time telling
I have no idea what my grandparents got me for the vast majority of my birthdays. I do remember baking cookies with my paternal grandmother, reading voraciously with my maternal grandfather and swapping vacation stories with my maternal grandmother.
Anonymous says
I’m the OP. My grandma (my dad’s mom, NOT my mom’s mom) LOVED giving gifts but never really had the money or time to shop for them. She just…embraced it. One year she was in her early 80s and we had the full family together for Christmas at her house. Probably 30 people ages 5-75. She pulls out two black garbage bags, so heavy she can’t lift them, and instructs one of the older cousins to walk around and let everyone chose a mystery gift then we did a yankee swap.
“It’s a secret sack of stuff I don’t want anymore. Maybe you’ll find something you love!”
It was amazing and was one of my favorite memories. My cousin got two tins of gourmet olives from her pantry, and was THRILLED. Some people got ornaments that grandma no longer wanted/ had room for on her trees but were treasured memories for her kids. I ended up with some of her art supplies that she no longer wanted and had a BLAST using fancy grown up art materials. My sister got an old afghan from grandma’s towering collection of blankets and she still has it–grandma died over a decade ago.
I guess all this is that it’s one thing to be weird about gifts, but just be cool. I didn’t give one hoot that my grandma didn’t personally choose a gift for me. Honestly if she had it would have been some $10 junk from walmart or socks or whatever. I loved this memory so much more!
Anonymous says
This is in the same vein thought as gift giving being a way of showing love. For some people it is, for some people it isn’t at all.
My mom went overboard with the gifting to the point that lots of gifts and big hoopla around gifting is actually really stressful for me. I actually ask DH for a spa gift certificate for my birthday and Christmas each year, every year. I hate getting stuff.
Anonymous says
This is why I think we should get rid of gift-giving outside of the nuclear family. So many people are terrible at it. So many others are overly hung up on it. It never makes the giver or the recipient happy. What a waste of time, money, and mental energy.
Anon says
Some people’s love language is certainly gifts, but I agree that the *expectation* of all sorts of gifts is a lot! And giving $25+ gifts at friend birthday parties (when you get invited to a million)?!?
For Christmas on my side we just give to my parents and I am so thankful for that load off my mind (as are my sisters). On my husband’s side, we have 20 nieces and nephews (plus aunts, uncles, parents, siblings) and it’s really insane that we’re all just exchanging gift cards around. I wish we could stop this madness, but it’s important to them and it’s not my hill to die on (yet)…
Anonymous says
I think there’s nothing wrong with gift giving, if its thoughtful and actually considers the recipient’s desires, including desire not to get gifts. There’s also nothing wrong with not giving gifts if its too much. But I think saying no one is ever happy about gifts is a stretch. My most treasured gifts are from outside my nuclear family.
Anon says
Sucks for people who don’t get married and get totally left out.
Anon says
My MIL is completely awful at gift giving. We’re talking, she gave my husband a pair of socks and his brother a set of golf clubs. She gave my 3 month old son an extremely tiny plastic tea set (like for a polly pocket or something – super tiny and definitely chokeable until like age 12). She once gave me, age 25 and pierced ears, a gift card to Claire’s in the amount of $10 and a set of sticker earrings for a toddler. Unfortunately this hasn’t gotten any better for the grandkids. One will get a new lifesize dollhouse and the other will get a dirty used book from 1980. She recently got both of my kids a foam photo frame with leaves from the yard glued on it for their birthday. Like, one to share. It sucks and we’d rather just not get a gift at all than get something so lopsided or just plain thoughtless.
We’ve done a lot of coaching with the kids to say Grandma tries really hard but isn’t so great at gifts. So we say thank you, act kind, and then Mom and Dad will help you either even out the gifts or get you something you really wanted to make up for it. And I’ve stopped giving Grandma any idea lists either since she never uses them. No need for me to do all this thoughtful work if she’s just going to ignore it.
Anonymous says
You have no reason to feel guilty. Some people are terrible at gifts, and some just don’t care that much about them. I would only worry if you think it could be a sign that something is physically wrong with your mother – like cognitive issues related to aging or depression or something.
My husband’s great aunt once gave his 6-year old niece a “fry baby” for Christmas, fresh from QVC. Yes, an electric cauldron of boiling oil, perfect for any young child!
Mary Moo Cow says
I’m laughing so hard at the Fry Baby. It’s like an SNL skit! “Bag of glass!”
Anonymous says
“Baby” means it’s for kids, right? Like an easy-bake oven?
anon says
lmao! That is hilarious. My aunt got us nieces the following in various years – a Go Girl, a Diva Cup, a glass straw filter for tea (looked like…something else lol). It’s so funny now to look back on. (Btw, not against the diva cup, actually like the option, but mortifying at 13 and shy to open in front of your whole family).
Anonymous says
OMG! She wins!
Anonymous says
PS – what does she give male relatives???
Emma says
Halloween question – do you give out peanut candy? I usually get all nut-free, but my husband was doing candy this year and he got Reese peanut butter cups (among other things). I usually do it all nut-free, so I’m wondering if we should pick out the Reeses (and eat them all ourselves, lol) or if it’s fine to hand out and the parents of kids too young to manage their own allergies will be there to oversee. And on a related note, how many pieces of candy do you give out, give or take? I feel like we always give too much at first and then get stingy towards the end because we’re running out. And now I’m wondering if I should run to the store and get extra because our street is a popular Halloween destination.
Cb says
We sadly don’t get any trick-or-treaters. I’d pick them out if we did, but mostly because I’d want it for myself. 2-3 pieces sounds sensible.
Anon says
I do give out nut candy. I try to have a non-nut option, like skittles or fruit snacks, but *most* people can eat peanuts and probably even prefer that type of candy. It’s not rude to have a mix. I usually give out two pieces per kid (or leave out a bowl with a written invitation to please take two).
anon says
I always get one bag of the fruit candy (skittles, starburst, etc) and one bag of the mixed chocolate which always has nuts in it and mention it to parents when they come by.
School has a no peanut rule and the only small bag I could find at the last minute had reese’s so I picked them out and we happily ate them all :)
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes. We all love Reese’s and I respect allergies of course, but I think this is on the parents or the kids to manage. They are all individually wrapped, so hopefully no contaminants. 2-3 would be what we’d give, but we both go with the kids, so we leave bowls out.
Anonymous says
It’s fine. Definitely do NOT go out and buy more candy! Kids that don’t like or don’t want or can’t have nuts won’t take Reeses, and if they do, their parents will deal with it.
We live on a road that doesn’t get many trick or treaters so we just leave a bucket out. Even if kids grab a handful, it is never empty when we get back. This year our bucket has skittles, M&Ms, lollipops, pencils, light up rings, stickers, and my garden leftovers (15+ jalepenos, six peppers, about a dozen cukes). Hilariously, most years the produce is always taken– the parents always nab it!
Anonymous says
Nut candy is fine. When my youngest was allergic to all nuts, we picked out ALL chocolate from her bag—she didn’t care. We replaced with something else—some years candy, some years a non candy treat.
Now we give out chocolate things and non chocolate things. Some kids ask for nut free, if they don’t talk I figure the parents will cover it at home.
We will get over 150 kids, so do 1 piece per kid until I’m sick of handing out candy.
Anon says
Yes, snickers and Reeses are some of the most highly coveted treats on Halloween. It’s nice to have an allergy-free option as well but I don’t see a need to go completely nut- free.
Anonymous says
Yes, we give out nut candy. I usually have one bowl with the contents of one mixed bag of candy that has chocolate and nuts (whether it’s the bag with Reese’s or Snickers depends on who buys the candy) and another bowl with Skittles or Sourpatch Kids for anyone who needs vegan or nut- or dairy-free candy.
We usually get 10-15 kids tops since we’re not on a busy street and a lot of older kids go over to the neighborhoods with bigger houses, so we’ll definitely have leftovers.
Anne-on says
We typically don’t get many trick or treaters, so I usually hand out 2 pieces per kid and the last kids to come up to our house at 8:30/9 get whats left in the bowl (we turn the lights off at 9pm or our elderly dog won’t calm down and go to sleep). We do keep non peanut candy on hand because there are 3 kids with peanut allergies on our block but they/their parents have said that they do a swap at home if necessary (adults take the peanut candy and the kid gets to pick their fave subsitute candy – I think the rule is 3 small pieces= 1 full sized pack which is a hit).
anon says
We often include Reeses (becaus they’re basically the best candy) but also have a separate bowl of non-candy treats. All the kids I know with allergies have either been taught which safe candies to look for or will have their parents sort through their candy before they eat any.
Anonymous says
Reese’s peanut butter cups are the best candy. It’s likely that parents of kids with severe allergies will confiscate all the candy anyway, even the “safe” varieties, because they can’t be sure a peanut wasn’t in the same room with the skittles, so it doesn’t even make sense not to hand out candy with peanuts.
Anonymous says
Is this really necessary? Not hard you’ve never had to stab your kid with an epipen and call an ambulance.
To everyone giving out skittles and starbursts etc – it’s really appreciated. It’s so exhausting for kids with multiple allergies to think about every bite they put in their mouths. Getting to be excited about the candy they get at the door is a true joy for them.
Anonymous says
My child has been bullied by the parent of a kid with allergies.
Anonymous says
So you’re just going to be judgy about all parents? If the parent of a child with autism is mean to your kid, are you going to write off all parents of children with autism?
Unfortunately, about 1/3 of kids with allergies are bullied about their allergies. Like getting made fun of at aftercare when they watch the Peter Rabbit movie. Or fun things like peanut butter smeared on a bench at daycamp and kids laughing about it. Or the child who died in the UK after having a cheese slice shoved down the back of his shirt as a ‘joke’ because he didn’t get an epipen quickly enough and he didn’t get brought to hospital.
Anonymous says
To be clear, I’m not saying not to hand out skittles. I’m saying that there is no reason to get rid of the peanut butter cups because if having the skittles mingle with the peanut butter cups is a hazard to a particular child, that child’s parents won’t trust that there weren’t peanut butter cups in the bowl no matter what you say or do. I am giving out both peanut butter cups and skittles. But I also have some lingering resentment against the room mother who made my child cry when she ostentatiously threw out the snacks my child had carefully selected for the class party in full compliance with all the exacting allergen-free specifications the room mother had sent out. My kid was trying so hard to do the right thing and be inclusive and was accused of trying to poison her kid. And this was just one example of the aggressive shaming of innocent kids that went on in this classroom for years. So yeah, I don’t trust allergy parents not to be a-holes.
Cerulean says
I think that mom was just an a-hole and that has nothing to do with other parents of children with allergies.
Anonymous says
Thanks Cerulean
Anon says
Agree with Cerulean. Just an a-hole mom, not fair to hold it against all allergy moms. My kids don’t have allergies, fwiw, but the allergy moms I know are really lovely and kind.
Anonymous says
2/3 of my kids have peanut allergies. I’ve taught them to deal with it by selecting non-peanut items if given the option to chose, and if they are given something that has peanut to just say thank you and I swap it out at home. They are elementary age. This likely wouldn’t work as well with littler kids as they can be less reliable about not eating stuff so not all parents may do this.
Some kids will get anxious around the packaging as I find parents with kids with only peanut allergies are used to be able to completely exclude exposure more easily. My kid who is also dairy allergic is more chill about packaged items containing her allergens.
We actually give out peanut stuff later at night once I’ve swapped out my kids stuff. We do 1-3 pieces of candy per kid depending on how busy it is. My ‘go to’ halloween candies are sour patch kids/swedish berries as they are gluten/peanut/dairy free and super yummy to eat or great for cupcake decoration if I have leftovers.
TLDR: give it out without worry but if you also have non-peanut stuff, maybe leave that in separate bowl/box to offer separately.
Anonymous says
Yes I buy candy with nuts. I have also been known to hold back some Reese’s for myself because I love them. When we go to the door, I instruct kids to take one piece of candy; if the host prompts them they may have more then that’s fine. I would not bat an eyelash at one of the busier streets’ hosts saying please take one piece. I think of 1 piece as being standard, 2-3 being generous.
Anon says
We do two bowls – a bowl of all kinds of candy and then a bowl of non-food allergy-friendly toys like plastic spiders and squishy balls and stuff. We let kids pick one bowl or the other, and they can pick two items in that bowl. Both tend to be about equally popular and more than one family has thanked us for having a non-food option.
anon says
We get the massive costco bags and do one bowl with the chocolate mix and the other with the sugary candy mix (sweet tarts, gummies, swedish fish, sour patch kids, etc). I figure the sugary mix is allergy friendly.
I leave them out b/c we both trick or treat with the kids and then when we come back it is dinner time and bedtime (and we have a dog who is not a barker generally, but barks at the doorbell/knock, so no thanks). When it’s gone, it’s gone.
Spirograph says
I make sure to have a good mix. I love reeses and snickers, but I also have Welch’s fruit gummies, starbursts, and tootsie rolls in the bowl to be allergen-friendly. Sometimes I have stickers and glow-sticks too
GCA says
We usually leave the Reese’s in but have a decent (larger) selection of nut-free candy, stickers, temp tattoos, pencils etc. When he was younger, kid 1 had a peanut allergy that he later outgrew, but for those early years we were keeping an eye on his haul anyway. But if you want to get more of the nut-free stuff, there is no downside to having extra candy on hand :)
Anon says
Grew up with a sister who had a severe peanut allergy in the 80s – there was zero awareness about the allergy. She used to have to eat lunch in the nurse’s office! How far we’ve come…. To this day I don’t like peanuts / nuts at all because I was programmed to not go near them. Today, though, we give out nut candy but I also make sure to have plenty of starbursts, etc so kids can choose.
FWIW, my dad used to buy her nut candy off of her at the end of the night so she made out well even if she couldn’t eat all of it.
I live in a big Halloween neighborhood. One piece per kid (we’re a full-sized house) and then the last 30 mins or so kids are typically getting 2 or even 3 full-sized somethings. I’d rather have too much at the end than too little.
Anonie says
Yes. We give out Reese’s. Typically one per kid.
Mary Moo Cow says
Some years I do; some years I don’t. This year I’m not (full size Harry Potter Hershey bars to compliment our theme) and wrapped Oreos. The longer we’re in the neighborhood, and I get to know the kids, I’ve learned that few have allergies and chocolate and fruity candies are equally enjoyed. Also, as I get to know the kids, I’m more generous, so 2-3 pieces of treat size or one full size bar. I also pile on the candy by the end of the night just to get rid of it. I actually have come to really enjoy it; looking back, pre-kids and even into babies era, I dreaded Halloween, resenting spending money on candy, stressed about having all the colored pumpkins out, hated being interrupted all night, but now, I’m looking forward to tonight and passing out a bunch of candy!
Anon says
I don’t typically buy candy with nuts or peanut butter, mainly because I don’t like it. But my understanding is that options are pretty limited for kids with peanut allergies, and I don’t seek out specific candies that are allergy-friendly. It’s on the parents to monitor what their kid eats.
Anonymous says
Hair style/texture advice: my 5 year old has hair that I don’t know how to style. Where do I look for advice?
I think what’s going on is that it’s got a wave/curl to it but since it’s long (mid-shoulder) the weight of the hair masks the waves. It’s not curly hair, and it’s not straight hair. When I blow dry it straight it stays straight for the day, but if I blow dry it at night it’s all wild in the morning. If she goes to bed with wet hair she wakes up with a lion’s mane that we can smooth out and throw a headband in to contain it but it’s still pretty wild. I’ve tried braiding it (wet and dry) at night and it isn’t quite long enough to hold a braid unless it’s tight…in which case she wakes up with poufy hair from the braid.
Neither of my other daughters have hair like this. We suspect she has DH’s hair texture- his is short but when it grows out it gets wavy.
Waffles says
This sounds exactly like my hair.
Following because I have not found a solution.
Anne-on says
Have you tried a kids bonnet or hair wrap? They’re good for everyone’s hair but especially helpful if you have wavy/curly hair. Instead of braids would low pigtails secured behind her ears work, or the pigtails where you put a rubber band every few inches (I think these are called bubble braids?).
NLD in NYC says
+1 hair bonet. Are you doing one big braid? Maybe it’s better to section the hair into quadrants and do four braids, secured with a hair rubber band, to reduce the pouf. Would a light mousse help?
Anonymous says
her hair isn’t long enough yet for low pigtails- the front bits fall out and go wild. I’ll give 4 loose braids a shot and see. I am hoping time will help too. my oldest’s hair has always been very very thick. My middle had that wispy kid hair until recently and it’s thickened and straightened.
Anonymous says
two french braids starting over the ears is pretty comfortable to sleep in
Anonymous says
Sounds like a leave in conditioner might help
Anon says
Both of my daughters and I have this hair. I never blow dry their hair, as to your point, it doesn’t do much. At younger ages (6 and lower), I wash their hair every few nights, and always use a lot of leave in conditioner. Aussie Kids Curly is a family favorite. I do not brush it at night. The kids sleep on it damp, and wake up with curls. In the morning, if I’m going to pull it up, I spray on a ton of detangler, and then do either a single braid for school. I never brush it without detangler or curly spray. If she wants to wear it down, I don’t brush it, and just pull up the hair around her forehead into a half-up/half-down style. The long part in the back stays pretty ringlet curly and yes, definitely can get wild. It fits her personality :)
As my older daughter turned about 9/10, her wild mane has settled down a lot and got thicker, which was also my experience. At 11, she still has curls, but they are settling from the ringlets she had as a baby/preschooler to waves. She wears it to just below her shoulders, which keeps it from being totally out of control, but long enough so that it weighs it down a bit. Same general routine – lots of conditioner, but she does brush at night and in the morning with a wet brush. It straightens then turns to waves. Still don’t brush without spraying it first with curly or detangler spray.
For me, as an adult with just wavy hair, I blow dry straight, then dry shampoo + flat iron for a few days, then lean into the waves by day 3 or 4. It looks best on days 2-3. I still wear it long, as my waves make shorter hair cuts require a ton of maintenance to make it look styled.
Anonymous says
Thanks- we do a lot of this. My headband is the equivalent of the half-up hair which she doens’t care for. I think brushing in the AM with a detangler makes sense. It’s never tangled, but I think could use that weight when styling.
Anonymous says
This is my hair. You have to do something with it every day if you don’t want it to be crazy. Straighten it, curl it, put it up, whatever. There’s no wake up and go. It is what it is.
Anonymous says
This is similar to my hair as a child which it turns out is in fact curly (though on the looser side). You might try a curly hair cut coupled with some product and no brushing. I wash at night, add leave in conditioner, and damp style with mousse in the morning but even just the leave in conditioner is often plenty (curls blueberry bliss). I had 18 years of hair like your daughter’s or that would just get wilder the more I brushed before figuring the out. A very layered haircut / shag type cut makes a huuuuuge difference.
Anonymous says
Any tips on helping a sensitive preschooler adjust to a classroom full of kids who definitely aren’t?
3-year-old is suddenly struggling in the preschool classroom at daycare (moved up about 2 months ago, and this has all come up in the last week). Kiddo is definitely on the shy and sensitive side – likes being active but has never been into very physical play (play wrestling, tackling large stuffed animals or pillows, etc.). Most of the other kids in the class were in a toddler room together last year and play pretty aggressively together.
The teachers are suddenly saying that my kid isn’t following directions, last to put shoes on, etc. We’re not really seeing this at home, where she’s pretty independent unless there’s an obvious reason (tired, sick, etc.). The past few videos they’ve sent home show the other kids screaming happily at the table while eating snack while my kid is cowering and covering her ears or playing aggressively together while my kid is off to the side coloring or doing some other quiet activity. Seems pretty clear that she’s overwhelmed, and as a former sensitive kid myself, my guess is that she’s so overstimulated that she’s just shutting down. I pointed this out, and it seemed like the teachers were surprised that this could be the explanation. I’m really frustrated that the teachers missed this completely and just assumed we weren’t working with her on following directions and being independent. I’m also frustrated that the expectation seems to be that my kid has to change to fit in.
Anon says
Are there any other classes for her to try? That would be my first and best option. My now 9 year old son really struggled in very busy and loud classroom at 3. We did end up seeking out an OT, who helped him a ton. Our teachers were really willing to work with us, and we ended up sending him with noise cancelling headphones and a notebook (drawing really helped him when he was overwhelmed). He had a special place in the classroom that he could go to when he felt overwhelmed, regardless of whatever the rest of the class was doing (unless it was like, going to another classroom). Pulling in our school’s intervention specialist helped facilitate the conversations with the teachers, as did having specific recommendations from the OT. Both helped keep the conversations away from the “How could you have missed this about my kid?” and the tone was more “Let’s all work together to help this kid in an environment that isn’t ideal for him.”
At 9, my son really only has awesome memories of preschool, despite my memories of it being a really tough few years from 3 to 4.
Anonymous says
It’s not a huge center, so no, she’d either have to move up to be with older kids or move down to a younger classroom. She has some friends in the younger classroom, but I think she’d be bored when they’re not doing activities outside. She also has some friends in the older classroom, but they don’t have any open spots. Definitely something to think about for later in the school year, as she’s the oldest in her current classroom and her birthday is right around the school cutoff anyway.
We’ve been suggesting noise canceling headphones based on what we’ve seen of classroom dynamics, and she finally agreed to take them with her and, and more importantly, tell the teachers about it today. I was kind of thinking about giving it a week or two to see how the teachers adjust before reaching out to her ped for an OT referral, so thanks for sharing your experience on that!
Anon says
I’m reading in between the lines that this is either a Montessori center or just a very independence focused school? At 3, my son knew when he got overwhelmed, but no way did he have the ability to explain to the teachers in advance or advocate for himself for this particular issue. This is definitely a case where I’d intervene with the teachers on her behalf. It’s great that she is going to mention it to the teachers, but I’d go ahead and tell them preemptively what things will help her and give them cues to watch for to help guide her to options that will help her. My kids are extremely independent at elementary school stuff, but at 3, they really weren’t ready for this type of self-advocacy. It also means more coming from the parent. I would stick with it, and escalate if necessary. My daughter was at a Montessori program, and I could go on forever, but – despite what the program may teach – a lot of children at 3 still need support for non-traditional requests, such as this one.
Anonymous says
Not Montessori. The teacher philosophy has really depended on the individual teacher. I do think that these particular teachers’ expectations for self-advocacy are unreasonably high for new 3-year-olds, even ones with strong verbal skills, and that’s why we have been pushing for more help with advocacy in the classroom when other kids are hitting/pushing/otherwise being unnecessarily up in kiddo’s business.
Re: headphones. We definitely told the teacher today that we brought them, and actually asked about it when we first heard that she was struggling. The teacher’s response was that we could bring them if we thought it would be helpful . We haven’t sent them in the past because even though the classroom seems overstimulating to me, we’d been told that kiddo was doing great and she was insisting she didn’t want them (and had a complete meltdown when we put them in her bag). We’ve been offering them regularly for the past month and a half.
Anonymous says
I’m sad/stressed out on your kiddo’s behalf! My house is LOUD and sometimes I have to retreat to my bedroom. Is there another classroom she could switch to? Or at the very least a safe spot for her to go when she’s feeling overwhelmed? Have you shared with the teachers that you think she’s experiencing some sensory overload and it’s causing anxiety? They may have some ideas on how to help.
Anonymous says
They’re going to set up a safe spot for her. We’ll have to see whether the teachers can get the other kids to respect the fact that she needs space sometimes. She’s been doing a pretty good job of sticking up for herself, but there are two kids in there who, as my kid puts it “always lose their listening ears.” We’d already been pushing for a little more support for her on that.
Anonymous says
I would look around at other day care centers. My daughter attended two different centers and there was a huge difference in how loud and chaotic the rooms were. At the university day care it could certainly get busy and joyful, but the classes were small, there were windows in every room, the kids spent 2+ hours outdoors every day getting their energy out, and it was never overwhelming. At the chain center the classes were bigger, the classrooms were hot and dark, the playground was crowded when they got to use it, and there was a lot of screaming and pushing all day long. The atmosphere can vary so much depending on the physical environment, the daily schedule, and the philosophy of the center and the teachers.
Anon says
University daycares are wonderful, but are often basically impossible to get into if you’re not affiliated with the university (just FYI to OP and anyone else who might be tempted by this comment).
Anonymous says
Yeah, our university daycare had a 3-year wait list when I was 20 weeks pregnant. All of the small daycares in our area have pretty long wait lists – the only places we’d be sure to get into before kindergarten are the huge chains.
Hostess Gift says
Neighbor with similarly aged kid is having a little cookout tonight for a few people in the neighborhood before trick or treating. I asked her if we needed to bring any food and she said no but I feel weird showing up empty handed, eating her food, and leaving.
Any last minute host gift ideas? I’m not sure if they drink. Her daughter and my son are friendly but not bffs
Anonymous says
Flowers or non-alcoholic beverages
Cb says
I think it’s fine, maybe suss out things tonight, and drop by with a thank you card at the weekend?
Anon says
I’d bring cookies or cupcakes – even if they’re serving dessert they can have them around in the coming days. i too am old fashioned and never show up to someone’s home empty handed so I’d have to come up with something!
Anonymous says
Flowers, small potted plant, or fancy sodas. Probably not ideal for an evening that involves lots of candy, but I’ve also brought things like fancy ice cream toppings as host gifts.
Anonymous says
I should clarify that stuff like fancy chocolate or caramel sauce or jams usually has a long enough shelf life to be regifted pretty easily (especially with the holidays coming up). I definitely wouldn’t do anything sweet that would need to be consumed in the next couple days.
Anon says
This is in response to other responders and not OP who I think gets this: As a frequent pre-trick or treat host, if they are saying no food please listen to them, and definitely do not bring dessert. Time is usually of the essence since it’s a week day and we all want to get out trick or treating, so I’d really rather not run around figuring out how to serve a surprise dish. And for dessert even if you intend for it to be served another day, the kids know it’s there and that’s hard and awkward for the host to then not serve (and it’s hard for me to tell if you really truly mean that about another day thing). I and I think most parents really just want the mounds of candy the kids are about to get and inevitably consume be the dessert, especially given the crunched time factor.
I think a fancyish non alcoholic drink is great. In my circles, even if the host doesn’t drink they would not have an expectation that the other guests also don’t drink at a pre Halloween party, so a bottle of wine or beers would still be welcome, but I guess know your audience.
Anon says
+1 And no flowers! It’s annoying to find a vase and feel like you have to take time to put the flowers somewhere. You asked a question, now respect the answer.
Anonymous says
I commented earlier, and one of my suggestions was flowers. Didn’t occur to me that others wouldn’t do this, but between my more social neighbors, we basically have a communal supply of cheap vases left over from flower deliveries, so no one shows up with flowers to a gathering that aren’t already in one of the vases. These vases have been passed around for years and there are probably 1-2 of them at any given house.
Anon says
In my experience it is more common for people to show up without vases. Sweet, but…
Mary Moo Cow says
+1. How about a jug of cider, sparking grape juice, or sparking hard cider (and cups!) if you feel you must.
DLC says
I get the “feels weird” thing too. Growing up, we frequently brought a box of pineapple cakes or a box of tea whenever we were invited somewhere, so it’s kind of ingrained in me, though I am sure this is a cultural thing on my end. What if you show up with some kind of pre-trick or treating treat for the kids— kind of to pre-game their bags?
Anon says
They’ll want to eat it immediately and you just created a battle with the parents. Please don’t do this. The kids are getting so much candy there are literally programs to trade it in – they don’t need more! And I’m not a pearl clutcher about sweets usually, but it is just SO much we really do not need to be adding to it night of.
AwayEmily says
An eight-pack of Spindrift and a six-pack of beer.
Bases. Covered.
anon says
My 9year-old daughter is lying about brushing her teeth in the morning. How do you handle this?
Background: she wakes up to her own alarm, gets dressed, brushes her hair, then makes herself breakfast. She claims that she brushes her teeth after she gets dressed, but I can clearly see that her sink and toothbrush are dry, not to mention the morning breath. I don’t point these things out to her because it seems like that will just turn her into a better liar.
She’s a very bright, very strong-willed kid with a solid sense of self. She’s doing great in school, has healthy friendships, is self-reliant. I know this is a normal developmental stage, but I’m unsure how to respond. We try to let the kids feel the natural consequences of their mistakes (if they lose a library book, they pay for it out of their allowance; no play dates until their chores are done, etc.), but here the natural consequences are so far downstream that it has no effect. It’s the dishonesty that bothers us the most. Increased surveillance (forcing her to brush her teeth in front of us) backfires. What would you do?
Anonymous says
Have her brush her teeth after breakfast to get any food out of her teeth. We brush teeth in the main floor bathroom right before putting on coats/shoes. In your situation, that would increase visibility and avoid her faking it.
Spirograph says
My kids do this too. I ask them “did you brush your teeth?” and they say yes. then I immediately follow up with “did you really? let me smell,” and they suddenly remember they didn’t brush their teeth after all and scurry off to the bathroom. We all share the main bathroom, so I also sometimes brush my teeth *with* the kids and we set a timer and see who can look the most rabid by the end.
Kids had dentist appts a few weeks ago and my youngest has a few cavities (luckily in baby teeth). That’s also helping scare them straight a bit.
Anonymous says
When my kids lie, we don’t call them on it because we don’t want to start a fight or put them on the defense. In your case, I would say “X, your toothbrush is still dry. Go upstairs and brush your teeth for real this time” or “If you already brushed your teeth you didn’t do a very good job–your breath is still stinky. Please brush them again then some see me for a double check on your way out the door.”
Anonymous says
This, except I try not to signal how I found them out so they can’t get crafty and run the toothbrush under water.
anon says
We attempt to not ask our kids questions that they’re inspired to lie to, because they will. So rather than asking “did you brush your teeth” we’ll say “Remember part of the morning routine is brushing teeth! Do you want to go double-check that you did that this morning?” It’s not foolproof, but for my kids it sets them up for more success, since it’s not the adult demanding they do something.
Anon says
+1. And then you supervise her brushing her teeth. Some kids need parental support in the getting ready dept, and that’s okay. Rather than make it a battle, just keep her company for the 30 seconds it takes (I don’t make a big deal over the “2 min”…anything in the morning counts). Make teeth brushing a neutral event instead of something she’ll remember through a negative lens
anon says
OP here. Appreciate the input. Our daughter doubles-down if we tell her that her breath smells, insisting that she did brush her teeth and that she doesn’t care if her breath smells. She flatly refuses to brush her teeth if we tell her to do it after breakfast. It immediately turns into a power struggle, and she fights like h*ell not to give in and lose face, especially in front of her younger brother.
I’ve tried the Scared Straight tactic. I actually showed her some scary photos of meth mouth, and that worked for a few months, but the effect seems to have worn off.
Anonymous says
The point of brushing teeth is to remove food particles after eating so you don’t get cavities. Have it as the new house rule to brush after eating breakfast.
I’ve never heard of brushing teeth before breakfast unless going out for brunch or something.
anon says
OP here. Unfortunately, it’s not that straightforward:
https://www.healthline.com/health/should-you-brush-your-teeth-before-or-after-breakfast#before-breakfast
Anonymous says
My kid lies when she doesn’t want to admit she’s messed up. I have been trying to teach her to say “I will do that now” instead of lying.
DLC says
This is a such good point about giving kids the language and methods to fix stupid situations.
When my kids lie about teeth brushing or handwashing, I usually ignore the lie and tell my kids to go brush/wash again.
Anonymous says
“No, you did not. Go back upstairs and j will watch you. Since you aren’t doing this on your own we will do it together.”
Anonymous says
I have a kid who is in 2nd grade. She is signed up to play soccer and is hot or cold. She will often participate and play during practices, and play until she’s tired in the weekend games and then shut down. Like, is DONE. Will stand on the field and do nothing until she is subbed out. Sometimes she’ll wander the field making patterns with her cleats or something.
This happened in K soccer so we didn’t register her for 1st grade. She begged to return in for 2nd grade and asked me to coach, so I’m one of 4 coaches. She acts the same whether it’s me or another adult; she’s probably better with me because I’m pretty used to managing her behavior and can sometimes get her to “kick the ball 5 more times then we’ll sub you out.”
This last weekend we didn’t have any subs and she just shut down and stopped playing (she was cold, didn’t want to be there, etc). Her teammates for the first time were REALLY annoyed with her– and the coaches were, too. We’d normally just pull her for the game but there was nobody else.
So, two questions as a parent:
1) Is this something we can help with as parents? How? OR do we just say this is the end of team sports for you, kid, you aren’t able to be a team player? I can’t bring myself to sign her up for a sport where she will take a spot on a team and then just not play for half the season.
2) she wants to play other team sports– and very VERY quickly it’s going to become frustrating for everyone because it’ll be expensive, she’ll be put on a team where people expect her to actually want to play. We have her signed up for basketball which in 2nd grade is still a clinic with no teams/games but that changes next year.
She has ADHD, and I think part of it is she gets “stuck” fixating on what’s bothering her (too hot, too cold, too tired, etc). I should add that she wants to sign up for these things.
Anon says
Oof this is hard, and is going to be a know your kid/your own limits situation. You don’t want your response to be punitive, but you do want it to be realistic. What other sports is she wanting to do? And are they casual rec or more intense?
If there’s a winter sport, I’d be inclined to opt out. Let her know the truth – that it didn’t seem like she tried her best or honored her commitment to the team, and it costs a lot of money, so you’re going to take a break from team sports and can try again in the spring. Perhaps sub out with a different activity if she benefits from the extracurricular aspect, like karate, skating lessons or a club at the library? Or totally take the time off to reset and enjoy some extra cozy time at home.
Anon says
Oh I just saw you said basketball clinic. I’d give that a try, but have an honest conversation about her effort in soccer. Be clear you don’t expect perfection, but she does need to try her best. And depending on how basketball goes, maybe sit out the spring.
And take each season as it comes – don’t worry about next basketball season yet. Maybe she just doesn’t like soccer and will find something that clicks.
Anonie says
I think if she’s getting some positive from it, you can keep her in if she wants to stay in. But I’d say as soon as she shuts down, sub her out. What’s the reason for forcing her to kick the ball 5 more times? If she’s standing on the field not playing, get her off the field ASAP. If there are no subs, your team might be better off playing one down (or you can ask the ref to borrow a player from the other team, or ask them to also play one down).
Anonymous says
Because other kids want to be subbed out and it’s not fair to make everyone else play the whole game bc one kid refuses to participate.
We usually try to stick to subbing every 2 minutes and rotating lines. Since they play 4v4 that means play for 4 minutes, break for 2. There is some flexibility bc some kids don’t want or need to be subbed. But the point is, if she sits out the whole time someone else can’t.
Anon says
+1 The other kids getting annoyed at her seems like an appropriate natural consequence here. Either sub her and let the team play one down (in which the teammates will get annoyed) or leave her in doing nothing (during which they probably also will be annoyed).
Then discuss afterwards how her effort affected the team, and brainstorm ways to make it up to them/avoid this situation at the next game.
Anon says
My also occasionally shut down kid would honestly not on their own view the annoyance of their teammates as a reason to impact their behavior, without us really honing in on them why that was a big deal. I think they would just feel so firmly in their reasoning for the shut down that they would focus more on that as justifying it.
Anon says
Anecdotally, but I’ve coached the same girls’ lacrosse rec team starting from when the kids were in K and are now in 6th. I’ve noticed a lot of my kids who fall in this category seem to be better able to “hang” in there by around 3 or 4th grade. I know all the kids pretty well by now, and most of my kids who needed to come out more in games when they were younger did have ADHD. Many of those kids are now some of my best players, and their stamina definitely increased as they got older. Candidly, I did get frustrated with some of the kids during games when they wouldn’t go back in — but only if five minutes later, they were doing cartwheels on the sidelines, and on the whole, I’m SO glad they all stuck with it. If anything, as you mention, it was a momentary subbing issue, then I never thought about it as soon as we walked off the field. Rec sports, in particular, are about all kids trying things and getting better or having a great time and learning too.
If it were me, honestly, I’d let her keep going because she WANTS to do it. I’d be afraid that stopping now if she’s excited to play will have her talking herself out of any group sports over the next few years. I’d also probably stop coaching, and the “natural consequence” would be a non-parent and her peers getting frustrated with her. I would tell the coach going in that this is habitual behavior, and give some suggestions for how to manage it, then opt-out. My husband also is a youth coach, and we’ve always appreciated when a parent privately disclosed some behavioral issue and any tips they have to manage it. Or, just letting us know, and we understand it isn’t some willful behavior.
ANon says
i agree with this approach, particularly if this is a rec league. presumably she isnt taking a spot away from someone else.
Anon says
This might be a fine short term solution absent anything else, but the last part is really not fair to the team over time. Being one down and not the other team means they are at a disadvantage (which kids in second grade definitely care about), but making the other team also be one down to accommodate your kid means someone on that team who wants to be playing and in theory should be able to, can’t. Borrowing from another team works in a pinch when too many have conflicts and physically aren’t there, but no kids really want to play for the other team so again, not fair to that kid. Maybe second grade all this is okay, but too much older and I’d be wary about how my kid would start to be viewed by the teams they are on, which it sounds like is already happening.
I say all this as someone who also has the kid that occasionally shuts down so I’m empathetic, but we recognize the impact it has on the team and treat it as such, which means not lightly (like it effects screen time privileges etc) and effects what types of sports we sign up for. I know this might go against some parenting advice, but I’m also just being honest.
Anon says
Does she have issues with exercise intolerance? It sounds like she’s good until she’s not, and that is sometimes I had as a kid with ADHD and some of its medical comorbidities. I remember getting chilled or overheated as I just ran out of steam.
Anonymous says
I would try signing her up for a clinic or low-key league where you do not coach, then drop her off and don’t watch. Let the coaches deal with it and see what happens. If you’re there, she knows you will eventually cave and send in a sub.
Anonymous says
I’m the OP and in our experience it’s just as bad without a parent. I volunteered because the coaches are all parent volunteers and she’s a pain to coach and it’s really not fair.
With my non ADHD kids my approach is totally different.
Anon says
I think you should examine your “why” for her doing sports. Is it because every one else is? Is it because she wants a social activity and sports is a default for your family? Or is it because she truly enjoys playing these things (practices in your yard, etc)? Maybe sports are not a good fit for her right now. I don’t think taking a few seasons off now will preclude her from ever doing a sport…she’s clearly not on the “travel track” at the moment and the amount young kids are learning in rec leagues is debatable (I am a rec league parent, no shade!)
If she truly wants to keep playing sports and you think it’s in her best interest, you could sit together and come up with some measurable goals and expectations for future seasons, and use that as your benchmarks on if she should continue. Kids with ADHD definitely benefit from clear expectations, and scaffolding in supports to help them get there.
Anonymous says
I would strongly consider having her try other sports. Martial arts and dance are great for some ADHD kids because the amount of focus required keeps them engaged. Not for all ADHD kids, of course. Other fast-paced sports to try would be tennis, basketball, and volleyball. Something where she has to focus on the ball at all times instead of something where she is wandering around on a big field.
Anon says
Yeah, I don’t think my kid has ADHD (although she does have some behaviors that are common with ADHD kids) but soccer has more standing around and waiting than other sports and my kid really hated it when she did it (albeit at a much younger age). I agree with the suggestions for martial arts and dance. Other suggestions would be rock climbing, ninja warrior, gymnastics, ice skating. For ball sports, one-on-one tennis or golf lessons might be more engaging. 7-8 is still young enough that you can put her in most sports as a newbie and she won’t be drastically behind. Many kids start younger but the amount of progress between 3 and 7 is typically quit limited for all but the most gifted athletes.
Anon says
I don’t know about the end of team sports, but it would be the end of soccer for me, at least for a long while. In our family, activities are a privilege and you have to have a good attitude and participate to continue. Of course every kid can’t be the star, and that’s fine, but you have to consistently try and I wouldn’t consider this trying.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I don’t see the point of spending money and time on an activity the kid doesn’t actually want to participate in.
Vent in to the Void says
In need of a vent in to the void. I have some really good girl friends but I’m just not ready to talk about it yet.
I’m 36.5 weeks pregnant. My dad, who I am very close with, is in the process of being diagnosed with lymphoma. Don’t know what type yet. But, I’m just gutted. My family has been hit my cancer more times that I care to count so I’m unfairly aware of the realities of treatments, prognosis, etc etc., though it would be our first dance with lymphoma. Still waiting for the grading and course of treatment, but my NP-sister who read all of his reports herself suspects it warrants going immediately to chemo after the next round of tests later this week.
This is the fourth cancer diagnosis between my parents in about 20 years but the first when I have a family of my own (5 year old daughter and almost-born child). I don’t know how to be upset/process all of this for myself, but supportive of him, support my mom, but also not scare my daughter who dearly loves her Papi… all while trying to birth a child and get through all of that. DH is supportive but he’s sort of in the same boat as me. We’re just tapped.
Also, my FIL dropped dead when I was 35 weeks with my first ~5 years ago. While we have so many more answers about my own dad to get, I’m suffering from intense de ja vu? PTSD? I don’t even know what to call it. I think DH is too but hasn’t said as much.
Life is unfair. Really, intensely unfair.
Anonymous says
So sorry to hear this. My dad just had a lung cancer recurrence so this really hits home. I strongly suggest getting a post-partum doula in place to support you. They support new moms with baby care, maternal care and household help vs baby nurses who are baby focused. Mine was a part time social worker who also worked as a doula so she had the background for physical and mental health support. She was amazing when I was newly postpartum and my sister had a late term still birth.
Anon says
I don’t have any answers for you, but I’ve been feeling this really hard lately. A big hug from this internet stranger. All I can tell you is that you are not alone. I don’t get why it has to be so, so dark sometimes. I know to be human is to suffer, and we need to find joy where we can but dang it, sometimes it is just TOO MUCH at the personal and global level. I often feel like there’s not even time to process, it’s just “Oh here’s this next really hard thing”.
– My MIL has had a series of cancers – skin, breast, and lymphoma. (FWIW, the lymphoma is managed by medication). We found out this summer she has early stage Parkinson’s.
– My SIL’s teenage child committed suicide earlier this year. Now that we’re approaching the holidays the hole feels even more dire than it already has.
– DH’s childhood BFF who has been a brother to him (and one of the few stable people for DH growing up) had to go to rehab this year, is a shell of himself, and likely has liver failure and will need a transplant soon. DH is legit worried that his friend may not make it.
One of my parents died in 2020, 1 month before my second kid was born. Not only was there a global pandemic raging, but my marriage at the time was about to break, and I will always feel guilty about my pregnancy + kid’s first year(+) of life. I got on a SSRI, I was in therapy, AND I wasn’t my best for baby because of all the grief. But you know what? Kid is awesome. I hate all the “kids are resilient” talk, but my kid is truly walking sunshine (most of the time), and it reminds me of even the darkest times having a bright spot.
anonM says
Vent away. My family has a bleak history with early death, cancer, etc. It’s hard to explain the cumulative wear of the grief and anxiety that results. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this all.
Anon says
I’m so sorry OP. I hope he will be fine, but that’s a lot to deal with even in the best case scenario. Big hugs. It sounds like you have a good local support network but do let us know if there’s any way us internet friends can help your family.
Anon says
I am very sorry for your situation. I would recommend reaching out to LLS (Leukemia and Lymphoma Society) for your dad. They have some great resources for those going through (and supporting others with) lymphoma.
Anon says
I’m sympathetic but I think you are overly focused on yourself. I had to explain death earlier than 5 to my kid who really struggled with a close loss. I don’t know who you think are the lucky ones that avoid sickness and death in life. Life is just mean to everyone even if we manage to anesthetize ourselves for periods of time.
Anonymous says
This seems harsh and unhelpful. It’s not overly focused on herself to post here that she’s struggling. Life might be mean, but that doesn’t mean you have to act like it doesn’t affect you. What exactly do you want her to do? Just ignore it? Never tell anyone?
OP, of course this is hard. It’s allowed to be hard and you’re allowed to tell people you’re finding it hard. Do what you can and try to make sure you find time to process and get your own support and not just support others. I think a doula is a good idea if it would work for you.
Anon says
This is mean!! Fwiw, I’m 38 and have not had any immediate loss beyond losing my grandparents as an adult. I think that’s pretty normal, I have many friends in the same boat. A child younger than 5 losing a classmate or friend (if I’m understanding you correctly) is truly awful beyond comprehension, but that doesn’t mean people aren’t allowed to be sad about their child potentially losing a grandparent young.
Anon says
A man with a family, wife, children and grandchildren, developing a cancer with something like a 93% 5 year survival rate is not a massive tragedy. Having a family history of cancers (survived) is not a massive tragedy. Having 2 kids is a choice and blessing. None of this strikes me as “intensely unfair” and calling it intensely unfair seems to suggest to me that OP has no clue how much other go through on a regular basis.
Anon says
Wow.
Anon says
You’re the only one who used the word tragedy. She said life feels massively unfair right now, and I get it. Even if it were guaranteed he’d survive (which it’s not) helping a parent through chemo while you have a newborn and another young child at home is a LOT. She also said it was bringing up PTSD from her FIL’s sudden death, which I also understand.
Also a 93% survival rate doesn’t mean anything if you’re in the 7%. I had to have a thyroid biopsy and was freaked the F out at the mere possibility of thyroid cancer, and that has a much higher survival rate. I have a friend whose kid died from a very treatable childhood cancer with a survival rate above 95%. It happens. Some people have to be the exceptions to the survival statistics. It’s scary and sad when you’re in it and you don’t know what bucket you will fall in.
You sound very bitter. I’m sorry bad things happened to you, but that’s your stuff to deal with, in therapy if need be. You shouldn’t go around making other people feel bad for being sad about their own problems.
GCA says
This is an unbelievably cruel comment for someone who is worried about her father.
Spirograph says
I mean, I think I see your point: It’s the whole, “grandfather dies, father dies, son dies” blessing story. But it’s also incredibly tone-deaf and cruel to tell someone that their fear for their beloved father’s health, or their sadness and overwhelm at what’s to come is nbd. Tragedy is in the eye of the beholder, and suffering is not a contest. There are horrible things happening in the world all the time, but it still hurts when a loss or crisis hits home.
My kids’ school teaches them that they should evaluate something they want to say on the following criteria before blurting it out:
1. Is it true?
2. Is it kind?
3. Is it necessary?
Worth thinking about.
OP, and others who’ve shared sad events in their families, I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you are able to support your loved ones and be supported by them. Virtual hugs from me, it’s getting to be an especially tough time of year to have a hole in your heart.
Vent in to the Void says
I had a much longer response to this thread’s OP drafted, detailing all of the non-mentioned and un-survived cancers and multiple years of fertility treatments to have my children, as if that’s might earn me enough pity points in the eye of the thread’s OP to be granted sufficient space to post a vent on an anonymous board, but it’s not worth it.
I hope this person can find some happiness in their day and come out from behind their equally anonymous computer screen to develop empathy for others. And if not, maybe just learn when to simply just shut up.
To the rest of you – thank you. The doula suggestion is one I’d never considered but may be just what we need to help navigate the coming number of weeks.
Anon says
this is cruel. this is a board where people can vent. if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.
anonM says
Um, you’re not sympathetic at all anon. Calling someone self-focused for being upset their father is sick…is not at all sympathetic.
Anon says
She literally said she’s worried about how to best support her mom, dad and child. Who else is she supposed to be focused on? What a bizarro comment.
Boston Legal Eagle says
It’s not the suffering olympics. Sure, there are terrible things happening in the world, but downplaying your own pain because “it could be worse” is not a healthy way to live. You need to be able to express pain, and having your father diagnosed with cancer is painful.
anonamama says
MIL Rant. At this morning’s Halloween parade, which due to covid, we haven’t had in years – the strollers of babies came first. In the midst of the awwww’s, my MIL frowned and said “Wow, how sad. So young and they have to be at daycare.” I turned on my heel and walked away. !!!!!!!!!!! Our child is her first grandkid to have been in a full time daycare program so this isn’t the first time I’ve heard a remark like that, but UGHHHHHH so frustrating. End rant.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I have your back on how annoying this is.
Also if it wasn’t for my kid’s preschool/daycare, they wouldn’t have near the amount of festive fun. DS #2 has had 3 Halloween-related events thanks to those amazing teachers and staff – all before trick-or-treating tonight.
Spirograph says
Good for you for walking away. This mis-perception that daycares are like 80s orphanages behind the iron curtain is such a generational thing. I remember even my mom made a comment to this effect years ago shortly after my oldest was born. After she’d actually visited the daycare and saw how bright and cheerful the rooms were, and how loving the teachers are (and the 3:1 infant room ratio), and she apologized for expressing any hesitation about it.
Anonymous says
My 99 year old grandma felt this way about daycare when I was little 40 years ago and it caused a huge rift with my mom. Now we have digital photos and when she saw tons of amazing pics of daycare /preschool that my kids were in, her tune changed really fast. I think she really just thought it was a room with a babysitter for 10 hours a day.She’s been really supportive now. I wish my mom could’ve had that.
Cb says
My in-laws do this “I’m sorry little Cb has to go to aftercare, it’s a shame you have to work. it must be so hard for him, such a long day…” and it makes me ragey. The particularly infuriating thing is that my husband had some really tough childhood moments and there were instances in which he’d have been better off with some other warm, loving adult figures at aftercare than at home with the dysfunctional adults (his mum, dad, dad’s ex wife, dad’s ex’s new husband all lived togther in a dysfunctional family unit before all splitting, then his new stepmum moved in with 5 dogs, 3 wild teenage children).
Anon says
Ugh I hate the “such a long day” comment. My kid ends up spending another hour post aftercare playing with friends on the playground. Vs swooning onto a fainting couch due to the “long day”.
Anon says
To be fair, some kids do struggle with having such a long time. It would have really had for me as a child. Just the school day was hard enough. But it’s a silly thing to say if the kid isn’t struggling with it.
busybee says
“I know, shame their dads won’t stay home with them.”
Anon says
hahaha
anon says
“I know, shame I didn’t marry into generational wealth”
Anon says
My mom and I are really close, but she’s frustratingly negative about daycare, despite visiting our former daycare multiple times and hearing lots of positive things from us (and despite the fact that my child is now 6 and can actually tell her how much fun she had). I consider it a price of admission for my mom’s love, support and childcare help (which are abundant) and do my best to ignore her comments, but I’m sure it would be harder with an in-law.
Fwiw, I was always very shy as a kid and struggled to make new friends. My kid is so outgoing and friendly and has a ton of friends through school and activities and makes new friends everywhere she goes. I’m sure some of it is innate personality differences, but I also give daycare a lot of credit. Being around other kids from a very young age is really good for kids, and they were directly taught social skills and friend-making strategies in a way you aren’t in elementary school.
Boston Legal Eagle says
“Cool, MIL, so what are you doing to lobby for longer parental leave in this country? Nothing? Thanks.”
Anon says
“No, how sad for the kids who have to stay at home with a parent! These kids have childcare experts in their lives so early!”
I’m pretty sure my husband staying at home watching soaps with his mom was a sadder situation than our daughter getting age-appropriate fine motor work in the baby room at daycare.
Therapist? says
Any recommendations for an online couples or solo therapist? Dealing with lack of intimacy that’s gone on too long and need some new strategies. Talk space is useless. My EAP has a billion options and I don’t have the energy to sift through them. Thank you!
Anon says
Any recommendations for supplemental math for a 6 year old? My kindergartner has been asking for extra math. We’ve been making her worksheets at home, which she’s loved, and she seems to be learning a lot even only spending ~10 minutes per day on the worksheets, but I feel like we should maybe be doing this in a more organized way? A friend recommended Beast Academy workbooks – thoughts on those, or other suggestions? I’d prefer a screen-free option. Since she has some TV at home on weekday mornings and they use computers at school I don’t really want to add to her screentime.
Anon says
our public school actually gives the kids extra math workbooks to bring home. not to create work for her teacher, but you could ask the teacher in the context of another conversation if she has a suggestion
Spirograph says
I like Beast Academy, but if your 6 year old is not a strong reader, you’ll need to help out.
Anon says
Yep, I assumed we would need to read it to her. She’s not reading yet.
anonamommy says
We love Beast Academy! Both the books and online (you can add screens as you see fit, but you don’t need them). The books have fun worksheets and games. My kid absolutely loves them and I’ve been very happy with the way BA approaches math. They have sample sheets you can view online to see what you think.
Momofthree says
You can also try to give them complicated math problems you create or try to incorporate math into every day life. We often do math problems like- hm… 1 pokemon deck costs $10, how much would 2 cost? Doesn’t necessarily need to be super structured since in elementary, they’re mostly working up to division & multiplication.
anonM says
Parents with ADHD kiddos, please give me some encouragement. My DS is really struggling in K, so formally requested a 504 plan and am going for an ADHD eval next week with the pediatrician. But man, for a type-A perfectionist who never went against rules I’m so overwhelmed at the constant barrage of emails of all the behavior problems. I know logically I am doing the right things and doing some thing like grounding him at 5 for something clearly stemming from some underlying issues is not ok. But ugh it is challenging to deal with the reality that your kid is having real and significant problems that you can’t just fix overnight.
Anon says
I’m sorry, it sounds hard. <3
IIRC your teacher seems a bit overreactive and sends notes home about everything? It's unfortunate, but sometimes kids and teachers are just oil and water and the situation is far worse than it would be with a different teacher. I hope he has a better experience next year. And I'd probably talk to the principal to see if there's any possibility of moving him (it's very difficult, but not impossible, in our school).
anonM says
Well, that’s what I thought (she did send home notes about using a colored pencil instead of lead pencil…sigh) but now the notes are coming from the music and art teachers, substitutes, other fill-in teachers too. She may not be a perfect fit, but she was positive in our recent meeting and is on board with us trying to get him some 504 accommodations that she just can’t provide herself, like quiet breaks during the day outside the classroom. I really think that will help him, but in the mean time I have to admit he is being really disruptive. Think yelling to interrupt the teacher, laughing at other kids, standing on tables, spitting, dumping the rinse water in art class, swearing, on and on. I’d love to say its a just a bad teacher fit, but it’s beyond that unfortunately. And I’m asking her to keep me posted, but it is becoming more and more frequent now and so demoralizing. I’m sure he feels even more beat down….
Anon says
Oh yeah with those additional details it doesn’t sound like teacher fit is the core issue. This is tough. You’re doing the right things and I hope the 504 plan helps. Hugs to both you and your kiddo.
anon says
Sending good vibes your way, this is a long road, but your son is lucky you’re able to enlist help for him. I’m starting on round 2 vs ADHD: We have an intro appt for my daughter later this week with a specialist — it’s Mental Health Week at school, and she’s very excited that she gets to tell her teacher she’s going to a mental health doctor — after getting numerous messages about her behavior over the last couple weeks. FWIW, my older son outgrew a lot of the worst of the classroom behavior challenges with minimal intervention. My daughter’s (probable) ADHD is manifesting much more in peer interactions and taking a toll on her self esteem, which is just sad to watch as a parent.
If you haven’t yet had an actual conversation, either on the phone or in person, with the teacher, I’ve found that a helpful step. More or less helpful depending on the teacher, but always better than trading emails. Good luck!
Minivan says
I know it’s late in the day, but can someone please talk me into or out of a minivan? Feel free to share your favorite minivan. I never thought we’d be a minivan family but now in addition to my husband and I, we have 2 school aged kids and a soon-to-be extra large dog. The van seems to be the logical option if we want to travel together regularly and pack our suitcases in said vehicle.
Anon says
Most families we know have made the minivan switch with the third child. Unless you’ll be carpooling a lot with kids outside your family, a sedan seems fine. We travel by car frequently and have never had any issues fitting four suitcases in the trunk of our sedan.
Anonymous says
Yes, I don’t know many with 2 with a minivan. Most have large and/or small SUVs.
OP says
We have a small SVU already that was maxed out on space before we added a dog to the mix. The push isn’t the kid count, it’s the large dog.
Anonymous says
A big dog takes up more room in the car than a kid and the kid’s stuff. I would get a minivan if you will be traveling with kids + dog + luggage. And I am generally anti-minivan.
Spirograph says
I have a Honda Odyssey and love it. Bought it a couple weeks before baby #3 was born, and it is much, much better in terms of ease of getting and out, trunk space, and general comfort on longer trips than my husband’s SUV. Plus, you can make so many carpool friends, or bring a friend for each kid along on family outings, when you have minivan space. Is it sexy? no, but it’s incredibly functional at this stage.
Anon says
i have two kids and a honda odessy and am very happy with it. growing up in a two kid family we also had a mini van. when grandparents visit we can all fit in one car, kids can bring friends home, i dont really care about the mom car stereotypes or whatever because i am not at all a car person. if it gets me from point a to point b i’m happy