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Oooh: I’m excited to see that Nordstrom has these Lollicups — while on the hunt to see what else I like better than our old standard the Zoli, I had read good reviews of this one, but at the time it looked to be in such dwindling stock in Amazon that I wasn’t sure it was still being sold. So I’m psyched to see that Nordstrom has it in red, blue, green and pink! Another bonus: it’s Triple Points Day if you’re a Nordstrom cardholder (actually, you get Triple Points through 3/26) — great time to stock up on basics like this affordable blazer, these comfortable pumps, and (my favorite) all the kids’ shoes on sale. Pictured: lollaland ‘Lollacup’ Sippy Cup (L-all)Sales of note for 3.28.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything plus extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off 2+ items; 40% off 1
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- Lands’ End – 10% off your order
- Loft – 50% off everything
- Nordstrom: Give $150 in gift cards, earn a $25 promo card (ends 3/31)
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item; 25% off everything else
- Zappos – 37,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – 50% off entire site
- Hanna Andersson – 30% off all swim; up to 30% off HannaJams
- J.Crew Crewcuts – 40% off sitewide; 50% off select swim; 50% off kids’ styles
- Old Navy – 50% off Easter deals
- Target – 20% off Easter styles for all; up to 30% off kitchen & dining; BOGO 50% off shoes & slippers for the family;
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Cdn anon says
Need some reassurance from the hive even though I know logically everything will be fine. I am in Canada where we get a 12 month mat leave. My LO is 9 months and I am just done being home. I am thinking of going back to work earlier than the 12 month mark although I am feeling guilty just thinking about it. I know I have been so fortunate to get to take this amount of time off but I still feel guilty if I don’t use 100 percent of it. Most moms here do use the full 12 months. If I do go back early my husband will take a bit of pat leave so childcare isn’t an issue. I know I am being crazy but…. Help reassure me!!
CHJ says
I read a great article recently saying that we often feel mom guilt when we’re thinking of doing something we need/want to do for ourselves. That sounds like what you’re feeling. It’s pretty clear from your post that you want to go back to work, and your husband taking some paternity leave would be nice for him and the baby. Is there anything holding you back other than guilt?
Cdn anon says
Definitely guilt. And I know I will miss her once I am back at work but that will be the case whether I go back now or after a year. I know there will also be some judgment from family/friends… Especially my mom who has made it pretty clear what her opinion is. I can’t even believe this is causing me so much grief when really the difference is negligible.
Spirograph says
Parents’ opinions can weigh on you so, so much, but you have to do what is best for you. A year is a long time to hit pause on your career and your personal identity, and if going back to work will make you happy, you’ll be a better mother for it and there’s nothing to feel guilty about. You’ve had a wonderful 9 months with your baby, it will be great for your husband to spend some time alone with her, and it will be great for you to ease back into work without having to worry about outside childcare yet. Ignore the naysayers and the nagging guilt, this sounds like a great move.
smack says
For what it’s worth, my mom has second-guessed every major child-care related move I’ve made. There was one she so vehemently disagreed with, she’d cry every time we discussed it (which I stopped then stopped discussing with her). After I’d make the move, and things calmed down, she’d eventually relent and tell me what a good choice it was and that the old choice was the WORST.
Four years into the parenting thing, and I was asking her opinion on yet another childcare move, and she said to go with my gut b/c the last moves were the right call. It was validating, but even without the validation from her, you know you and your family best. Make the right call, and don’t let them sway you.
FWIW says
It’ll be fine.
I live in the US and have the option to take a long (unpaid) maternity leave. I had originally made arrangements for a 6 month leave which I just cut short by a month. My husband will be taking an additional 2 months when I go back to work… I feel so guilty for doing this but I know it will ultimately make me a better mother, a better partner, and a happier human.
Anonymous says
My feeling is that the very best you can do for your child is to be happy and fulfilled and whole. If that means going back to work earlier than you had planned, then do that! It’s a decision you’re making FOR your child, not in spite of her.
mascot says
This is a pretty good mantra for a lot of parenting.
OP, I’m sorry about the pressure from your mom. Moms can be the harshest critics sometimes. Talk up how excited your husband is to get some paternity leave and then agree to disagree.
EP-er says
I had the option for a 12 month (mostly unpaid leave) with both of my children. I took 9 months off the first time & was planning on 9 months the second…but an awesome part-time option came up and I decided to head back after 6 months. For me it was absolutely the right thing. I needed to be back around adults to be a better mother for my children. And if I had waited the extra three months, this opportunity would have been gone. I really don’t regret it at all. And it is wonderful that your husband can take parental leave — having him in charge of the baby all day while you are at work will help in so many ways when you are both back to working full time.
If your mother gets to be too much, just tell her this is what is best for your family & change the subject. Don’t justify, don’t engage. It really will be okay!
CPA Lady says
If it makes you feel better, I was pretty much over maternity leave by the end of my 12 *weeks*. I am just not cut out to be a stay at home parent. I think its wonderful that you have the option to take a full year, but the thought of me taking a full year fills me with dread. So good job making it to nine months!
Another Cdn Anon says
I loved being off for the 6-12 month ages but I also had to get out of the house everyday – swimming/baby music class etc/playground etc. and I needed a weekly mommy group.
But I totally get that you want to go back to work and you shouldn’t feel guilty at all about that. I would 150% encourage your husband to take as much time as he can. I found that the single greatest factor in bringing balance to our childcare duties was to have my husband be fully responsible for the baby for a month when I went back to work.
Spirograph says
+1 to husband taking a substantial leave for solo baby care. It was great for his confidence and our marriage.
Sarabeth says
Yes to this! If you going back earlier means your husband gets more paternity leave, I think that’s a great tradeoff. Carving out time for the non-chidbearing spouse to be the primary parent for awhile will set you up to coparent equally in the future.
Anonymama says
Also, it might be better for baby to go back at 9 months, before separation anxiety starts to kick in right around 12 months. And, it will be really great for baby and dad because it will help develop their relationship. You will be fine, baby will be fine, you just have to make peace with your decision and try not to keep revisiting it once you go back, even if it is sometimes hard (which it will be).
Cdn anon says
Thanks for the kind comments everyone. Much appreciated.
Westraye says
To add on to this (also in Canada) – my husband took 3 months pat leave, I went back after 9 months. It allowed him to bond with baby and be 100% able to deal with all the tiny little things I was mainly responsible for during mat leave (what goes into diaper bag? what is nap routine etc) One of the best early decisions we made imo both for our marriage and for the kid! It also made going back to work easier as I knew he was with daddy and not having to adjust to being away from me AND a new daycare environment.
Anonymous says
Thanks for all the great advice yesterday about toddler separation anxiety!
DC Mom Anon says
My 18 month old went from sweet, chill baby to a tantrum monster overnight! Tell me it wont last. Just lie to me. I think her canines are coming in and she has been sick, so I am really hoping this wont last. If it does, any advice on how to cope? Which books on toddler communication have been helpful? I have been trying to communicate with empathy and compassion, which has been working.
smack says
Ugh – my sweet jolly 18 month guy has started hitting when he gets frustrated. He seems like he needs to emphasize his “NO” and does it with a smack. My older went through the frustrated dying to communicate phase at 18 months but never incorporated hitting.
Sign language seems to help diffuse in the moment – “More, please” “all done” “Help Please” and “no thank you” are all we taught, and if I substitute a sign, I can usually stop the tantrum mid-stream. We don’t use sanctioned signs – we just did what works and made sure we are consistent (nanny, husband, older child).
But, the hitting. Man. It’s no good. I will say we turned a huge corner at 2 with the older one, so there’s always that!
Philanthropy Girl says
I haven’t read it yes, but when I shared a similar thought on my 18 month old it was suggested to read The Happiest Toddler on the Block.
Our tantrums come and go, and my memory is when he was cutting his canines he was a monster. Once those are through you’ll probably see some improvement – although it seems that tantrums at this age are pretty developmentally normal. We use a bit of sign language, although it has been not such a great thing for us – please turns into begging, all done is wild throwing and flailing – and he’s just not getting help or no thank you. And he melts down when he says please and then doesn’t immediately get his own way. (Please may I run in the road? No you may not. Cue melt down).
I have found that when we are in melt down mode, removing from the situation and tight hugs seem to help. Many of our tantrums are over clothing changes or dinner time – so when they come up, I pick him up in a tight hug, and head to a different room for a rocking chair. While holding him as tightly as I can, I’ll sing a gentle song, or talk soothingly and when he calms down I’ll give lots of eye contact and talk calmly about what happened.
Every kid is different. When my nephew started the hitting/kicking/screaming routine, my sister found the only thing that worked was to leave him alone and pretty much ignore. Make sure he’s in a safe spot and let him scream and kick. She was pregnant at the time, so tight hugs weren’t an option.
Meg Murry says
I’ve read Happiest Toddler, and I think this summarizes the main point:
Validate you kids feelings and relay them back to the toddler in short sentences. For instance, if your child is mad about something, don’t say “oh, it’s ok, it’s ok, Mommy will fix it” or get mad at them for yelling. Say “Toddler is MAD. Toddler is MAD” or “Toddler is crying. Toddler is sad. Toddler is sad because her sandwich fell on the floor. That’s sad, that’s sad.” Then when you get their attention and give words to their feelings you can work on fixing it “It’s ok to be sad, but no yelling.” then either: “Let’s get you a new sandwich” if you can or “Let’s go hug [lovie]. Hugs help when you feel sad.”
Then when they’ve calmed down a little you can talk more about feelings. “It’s ok to feel sad, but it’s not ok to hit and scream. If you tell Mommy you are sad, Mommy can help fix it”.
They may not be able to talk back to you, but they can understand at least some of this.
Although, and PhilGirl mentions, sometimes the only thing you can do is make sure they are in a place where they can’t hurt themselves and ignore. I often try to deposit a kicking, screaming tiger into another room, give them a lovie and say “you can come out when you are done screaming. No screaming in the living room.”
NewMomAnon says
To piggyback on the “every kid is different” sentiment (which is totally true) – my daughter has awful, awful tantrums when she is tired (like, 45 minutes of screaming and breathless crying). She doesn’t want to be touched, doesn’t want me to talk to her, and it’s so painful. Daycare set up a “push wall” (it’s a sign on a wall that says “push” with a picture of a mad face) and I copied it for home. It’s been really helpful. Also, a drum that she can pound on when she is mad, and some blank paper and crayons out on the table so she can make big angry pictures.
One warning about “Happiest Toddler” – it recommends an aggressive time-out campaign starting at one year old. My pediatrician said that was not supported by any child development research, and a one year old can’t really understand time-outs yet. She gave the green light for time-outs to start at 2 (or maybe 18 months?). The communication recommendations have been very helpful with my toddler, but be a bit critical of some of the other methods they suggest.
RR says
Great advice from everyone, but my favorite mantra to get through these times is that “everything is a stage.” So, yes, it will pass, and then you will have a sweetheart again. Then grumpy again, then sweet, then grumpy, then sweet. Whether it makes me feel better or worse depends on which stage we are in!
anon says
I’m curious if anyone uses or likes these cups? We use straw sippy cups both because it is better for oral development (so I hear) but mostly because little one couldn’t get the hang of tipping traditional sippy cups initially.
But I have yet to find a straw cup – zoli, lollacup, munchkin, thinkbaby, etc that will not inexplicably shoot milk or water out of the straw at random times. Doesn’t seem to matter how tight or loose the cap is on or what we do with the cup, sometimes liquid will just come out of the straw. Does this happen to others? If not, what am I doing wrong? Are there brands where this doesn’t happen?
AEK says
We have this problem with straw cups too and I think it is just a side effect of the “leak-proofing” of the straw— even on the ones without a true “valve,” the straw is built so that once liquid is sucked up to the tip, it can’t flow back down. So anything that baby doesn’t swallow is stuck at the top of the straw and can shoot out or be flung out.
That said— there are a few cups that have absolutely no leak-proofing in the straw (playtex, born free, take-n-toss) and don’t have the “shooting” problem. But these let the liquid come flowing right out if the cup is tipped or flipped… so not much of a net gain there!
On balance we’ve have the best luck with the born free. A lot of Amazon reviewers don’t like them, but we really do. Minimal leaking / mess. But not perfect.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00NBICJQ6/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_3?pf_rd_p=1944687682&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=B00NAXHQ4W&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=09G0D49QZNKPCGW3M0GK
http://www.amazon.com/BPA-Free-Grow-oz-Straw-Count/dp/B00NAXHQ4W
Carrie M says
We couldn’t get the Zoli to work well for us, and I gave up on the Munchkin because it was too hard to get the straws in and out for cleaning. We’ve settled on the Playtex straw cups that I find in 2-packs at Target for about $8. They’re easy to wash. They do sometimes spill out milk from the top, but opening it up and clearing the straw of milk seems to help a lot. For us, they’ve been the least messy straw option.
Eileen says
Playtex straw cups have worked best for us too.
AEK says
I wrote a long reply about our cup experiences that seems to be in moderation. Will see if it pops up eventually!
Meg Murry says
Liquid will expand as it warms, so if you are putting cold liquid into the cups, they may eventually shoot that liquid up the straw if there is nowhere else for it to go. Same if your kid blows into the straw – when they take their mouth away, it will shoot up.
Some of the straw cups also have a “teach your kid to use a straw” feature that pushed liquid up the straw if you squeeze in just the right spot.
We always just used the take and toss straw cups, but they aren’t all that spill-proof. It’s more of a “only allow a small amount of liquid to spill instead of the whole darn cup” preventative.
Brussels says
For those living in a city, does the current state of the world make you re-consider where you live? Hearing about Paris, Brussels, and all the other world-wide attacks make me sick, but also make me worry that it’s only a matter of time before it comes stateside (again). Before children, I never would have considered leaving my major East coast city (I lived in DC during 9/11), but now I think about the possibilty of an attack and being separated from my family. My husband takes public transportation, and we (two kids and husband and I) are all spread out over our current city. Sometimes I wonder about moving back to the small Midwest city where my parents are just for some distance from a target geographic location. There’s not much back there for us, and leaving for fear seems ridiculous. But, I don’t know. Our city shuts down when it snows. I can’t imagine what would happen if people panicked and needed to get out for terror-related reasons.
NYCpg says
I definitely had the same thought today, and I’ve had it in connection with other recent attacks too. I definitely know people who left the city permanently after 9/11.
That said, realistically I know I’m not going anywhere and hopefully in a week, the thought won’t even occur to me.
Anon in NYC says
Yes and no. There are fears that I have specific to where I live, but I rationalize to myself that they would be replaced by others if I were to move elsewhere. It is fear of the unknown and things that are outside of my control. I am choosing to stuff down my anxiety. Where I live is the best choice for me and my family at this time, and that’s not going to change in the immediate future.
Anonymous says
Yes. Bad things happen everywhere, but living in the DC area does feel like a giant target sometimes. Realistically, I’m not going to leave because of it (although I have other reasons I’d like to leave and hopefully will pull the trigger some day), but it does make me a little extra vigilant.
Beyond that, my husband is traveling in Europe for work this week, and now I am *so* on edge about his trip home.
Blueberries says
It’s definitely scary, but would it help to look at risk of being harmed in a terrorist attack versus risk of being harmed in a car accident? Risks in a big city (assuming more driving in small town) may be lower.
MominDC says
Yes, I seriously thought about this on my morning commute. My husband and I both metro every day, and I take my daughter to day care at my office (about a block from the White House) via metro every day…. I doubt we’ll leave because of this, but I am actively trying to tamp down and ignore my anxiety.
Anonymous says
But in the burbs you have other fears. I grew up in boring Newtown, CT. My biggest fear as a kid was dying of boredom or possibly falling off my horse at camp. Twenty five years later my elementary school was on national TV and the town will never be the same.
There’s also the random old factory buildings that have been sitting for years and OH GUESS WHAT they are now a Starmet site and your kids may or may not have a predisposition to cancer.
Clementine says
Bad things happen everywhere. That’s what I tell myself.
At the same time, I keep a pair of walking/running shoes in my desk and find comfort in the fact that in an emergency, I could get baby from daycare and walk us home in under an hour.
layered bob says
I want a new dress to wear to an outdoor graduation in late May. I want to be able to nurse in it. I do not want a maternity/nursing dress because nursing has been the miracle diet for me so maternity dresses look strange. Is this a thing that exists or do I need to resign myself to skirt + blouse rather than a dress? (I already have the one nursing dress from Isabella Oliver, which was my go-to for maternity clothes.)
Clementine says
I nurse in my wrap dresses and also in my BR knockoff of the Kate Middleton Issa dress.
Sleeveless wrap dress would be my vote.
RDC says
I found nice nursing dresses at figure8maternity (dot) com. They have free returns, IIRC.
Tigermom says
Boden has a few wrap dresses that would be perfect for this. I just ordered one and will report back!
TBK says
Have you considered LE’s fit and flare dress?
sfg says
Although it didn’t look good on me when I tried it on, this would be a great option for nursing AND an outdoor graduation. In fact, I think I am going to try it again now that my body is in a different place.
Meg Murry says
You can probably nurse in just about any dress with a deep v – and if you feel too exposed in the v-neck, you can pair it with a demi-camisole/half tee like the ones at secondbase dot com or half tees dot com . It’s pretty easy to pull open the v neck and slide the demi-cami up – that is basically what most nursing dresses are, except the demi-cami part in built in.
sleepy twin mom says
My 3.5 month old twins are doing pretty well with sleep. They go to bed easily and tend to sleep from 7:30ish to 3am. I know this isn’t bad in the scheme of things, but I’m still exhausted. They’ve made it to 5/5:30 a handful of times. I’d of course like this to be the norm. Any ideas of how to help them regularly sleep to this more reasonable hour, which I know they are capable of?
They seem to wake up when they Houdini an arm out of a sleep sack or when clearly very hungry. I’m thinking of getting them used to sleeping without arms swaddled, and we are working on increasing food intake.
Please help – I will be forever grateful if you can help me get an extra couple hours of sleep!
Maddie Ross says
Try the Magic Merlin Sleepsuit! It was a god-send in this age range.
POSITA says
It’s very likely that they’re about to hit the four month sleep regression and things will get worse, not better. I think you just need to hold on tight until 6 months or so since you have reasonably good sleepers. Can your husband take a night shift? Can you go to bed with them earlier?
OP says
Checking out the Merlin -thanks!
And thanks for your thoughts, Posita! I’m not sure exactly when they are supposed to hit the sleep regression because they were over a month early. I wonder if that affects timing?
My husband and I take turns but I also can’t make it through the night without pumping (though I’m trying to eliminate the middle of night or very early morning pump), so it’s a lot of moving pieces. I already try to go to sleep as early as I possibly can.
Would welcome any other ideas!
Meg Murry says
Can you do a dreamfeed before you go to bed (either by you nursing or by your or H feeding them bottles when they are sleepy)? Or basically instead of putting them to bed at 7:30 treat that as more of a nap and put them to “bed” at 10? You are getting a straight 7.5 hours out of them now, which is actually already really long for babies that age – not to scare you, but my kids never went more than 4 hours in a stretch until they were almost 6 months old, so 7:30-5 seems optimistic (but maybe not impossible, all kids are different)
Otherwise, my suggestions are:
-Do what you can to get to bed early yourself, as you mentioned. Streamline as much as possible so you can spend a little time with your husband/for yourself and then sleep.
-Do as much as possible to make that middle of the night waking quiet and dull. Keep the lights dim, be quiet and just do the bare minimum
-Minimize how long you have to be awake. Assemble the pump parts in advance, do it in a place close to your bed, have a cooler to shove everything in so you don’t have to take it to the fridge. I’d also consider keeping the lights low and doing things like reading a book or e-ink Kindle instead of watching tv or playing on your phone/tablet while pumping so keep you from getting too fully awake to go back to sleep. Heck, I learned to use a hands-free bra, set a timer on my phone and basically doze and pump – or at least shut my eyes and relax.
When my babies were little, I would basically wind up “taking to my bed” at least one weekend day a month, where basically all I would do was have my husband bring me the baby to nurse, then either he would take the baby away or he would sleep in the PnP in my room, and I would nap the day away. It felt indulgent, but it was the only way I could avoid make it through cold and flu season without taking a ton of sick days at work (that I didn’t actually have since I’d used them all for the baby’s birth).
But major props to you for twins – I had plenty of trouble figuring out one baby, 2 would be difficult.
OP says
All good ideas. Thank you! I love the idea of ‘taking to my bed’!
anon says
More time? Ours went from waking around 3:30 at 3 months to waking at 6:30 at 4 months — just gradually.
OP says
Bless you! Fingers crossed…
TBK says
Do they go back down? I think by that age mine were doing two nighttime feeds — 11:000ish and 4:00ish — then sleeping until 7:00ish. Shortly after they dropped to one early morning feeding — around 4:00 or 5:00 — then went back down until 7:00 or 8:00. I”m trying to remember but I don’t think they fully slept through the night until after 9 months, and then they got up at 5:45 or 6:00 every morning. (I’m assuming you’re feeding them both if you’re feeding one, right? I think we ONCE tried to just feed the one who woke up and let the other one sleep. That wound up being very not fun.)
It really gets better! And soon! I felt like 3-4 months was a major turning point and I started to feel normal again. By 6 months, I don’t know if it was really that much harder than having just one baby. And then time starts to speed up, too. I remember those first 3 months felt like 20 years. My guys just turned two and I can’t believe my babies are gone already and I have these little boys in my house!
OP says
You just made me cry. They need to produce an ‘it get’s better’ video series for twin moms.
Mine go back down. Maybe I’m just being greedy in my exhaustion. It just takes so long to pump and feed two babies that it’s then hard for me to get back to sleep, so if they wake up at 3, they are fed, burped, changed and back in cribs by 4ish. If I pump before or after, that’s another 45 minutes. At that point, I don’t have that much time left to sleep before they wake up again and/or I have to get in the shower. It doesn’t seem like it should be this tough or take this long to do everything, but it does!
Another Twin Mom says
If you’re EPing then I would have partner feed/burp babies while you pump so you are both up 3-4 but both back asleep 4-7/whenever.
And it does get better – my boys are 16 months and I have baby fever for the tiny baby stage – even though DH is 100% done. Seeing them play together makes my heart burst everyday.
TBK says
Wait, why is pumping taking you 45 min? When mine were tiny, we bottle fed then I pumped (I was just pumping at that point, really) but the lactation consultant told me not to bother pumping for more than 20-30 min so assuming you’re doing both at once, why is it taking 45 min? Are you washing pump parts? Don’t! Put them in the fridge and wash them in the morning. Also, yes, if partner can feed while you pump, do that. We did two rock n plays with adult on a stool in front of them, holding a bottle for each for most feedings, so one adult can definitely do both. (If you can manage to feed and pump, great. I could never figure out how to hold a baby around the pump.)
Also I’m going to come out and say it — are you sure you want to keep pumping? I stopped at about 14 weeks and it was AMAZING. I was only getting about 4 oz each time, so maybe one whole bottle per baby per day and it just wasn’t worth it to me. Everyone was happier when I gave up pumping.
Finally, do they *need* to be changed during that feeding? If they have dirty diapers, then yes, but if they’re just wet you might want to consider leaving them until morning. You can get diaper booster pads to put in the diapers to absorb more liquid overnight. I mean, by the time they’re sleeping long stretches, they’ll be wearing wet diapers anyway. So if you can feed and get them back to bed in 20-30 min, that would add a lot of time to your sleep.
OP says
Oversupply issues…. I’m working on it…
I don’t clean anything at night. It just takes that long for me to empty enough to be able to sleep another couple/few hours. I have been making progress in stretching out the time between pumps and pumping less (so I’m not empty), with the goal of dropping the night pump. If that means my kids get some formula, I’m fine with that at this point.
We do feed both babies at once, so what we have been doing recently is that I will wake up and pump and my husband will bottle feed the babies. Maybe I am just being silly to think he shouldn’t have to do the night time feed every night?
And lastly, diaper change is a must. My kids are poop machines.
Meg Murry says
If you have to pump every night, I don’t see why he doesn’t have to do the night time feed every night. Unless you want to alternate so one night you get more sleep and the other night he does – but it might be better for both of you if you get a consistant amount of sleep per night.
What time is your last pumping or nursing before bed? Would using a hand pump just to take the edge off (but NOT to pump until empty) just before you fall asleep?
kc esq says
To echo re: the sleep regression, it might get worse before it gets better. I pumped for my twins and I think I cut the nighttime pump around this time. One of my guys had shown that he could sleep for 9-10 hours at a stretch multiple times, so we stopped feeding him overnight when he woke up. For a few nights, if he woke, we would put his pacifier in and cuddle him, but no bottle until around 5 am. He got the picture. If you really think your babies are hungry at 3, I wouldn’t want to deprive them of food, but maybe only give a little bit to reduce their reliance on a middle of the night feeding? Also, my boys got pumped breast milk for most of their food, but we supplemented with formula for the last good night feeding. Some say that break milk is more filling, but it worked for us.
RR says
It’s definitely not going to win me best parenting awards, but it’s true and it worked for us. When my twins were this age, we started to wonder if that wake up was hunger or not. So, we, sleepy parents that we were, thought, let’s put them in the swing when they wake up. If they are really hungry, they won’t settle and we will know and feed them. If they aren’t, they will sleep in the swing and we get a couple more hours of sleep. And this is how we went to basically sleeping through the night, except for a quick move of baby(ies) to swing(s). My daughter pretty quickly started sleeping through the night in her crib (she was close anyway). My son had nights he was in the swing at least sometimes until he was around 7 months.
Reading it, it sounds like we were sleep deprived and crazy, but it worked, and everyone got more sleep. Sleep is good for everyone.
OP says
No, it sounds like you were smart! Hats off to a solution safe for babies and sane for parents.
Help with food for Toddler says
What do you all feed your toddlers? My 15 month old son will eat yogurt, fruit (raspberries, blueberries, banana, clementine, melon and apples) and tomatoes, but not really anything else. He eats yogurt and fruit every morning for breakfast, but I am really struggling with meal ideas for lunch and dinner. He shakes his head no or just doesn’t eat anything else that I put in front of him. What’s worked with your kids? Please help me brainstorm!
Anonymous says
Division of labor: Your job is to provide good food in appropriate portions at appropriate times. His job is to eat.
Anonymous says
We did a lot of veggie-packed muffins at that age. My kiddo loved mini muffins with carrots, zucchini, etc. and minimal sugar (cut sugar by half, replaced oil with applesauce). She also really liked meatballs, which I would also make with minced vegetables. Another inexplicable hit were beans (any kind, in the slow cooker)– to this day she will take a serving of beans over almost anything else we serve. Try carrot sticks steamed until soft. In the warmer months we do a lot of popsicles made with yogurt and pureed spinach. All these things she could feed herself, but were soft enough on a novice palate (and often sore gums).
Anonymous says
And frozen peas! She loved to wrk that pincer grasp on peas.
NewMomAnon says
+1 to Anonymous. My kiddo gets a plate of whatever I’m eating. She can choose to eat it or not. I’m experimenting with a policy of “you have to taste everything to get seconds of the thing you like.” It seems to be working. I don’t ask her whether she wants a food or not; half the time her answer is inaccurate.
Also – my child eats peanut butter by the bowlful. It’s a good source of protein. Her diet of peanut butter, yogurt, chicken (on the bone, legs preferred), milk, fruit, green beans, and whole grain crackers, with tastes of other foods, seems like a decent amount of variety by toddler standards.
Carrie M says
We also offer whatever we’re eating or leftovers from the night before. It seems to help her if we eat with her, or at least sit down with her. If I’m eating with her, she will often eat off of my plate, even if what’s on her plate is the exact same thing. It also really seems to work if we eat it, and talk about how good it is (not in a fake way — she can sense any insincerity!). Sometimes she eats a ton, other nights not. Just keep offering a variety.
We’ve found winners with: salmon, haddock, lobster rolls, chicken sausage, hot dogs, roast chicken, ground beef tacos, meatballs, cauliflower, peas, avocados, guacamole, broccoli, carrots in a honey/soy/ginger glaze, pasta with lots of sauce, quesadillas, homemade pizza, collard greens, cucumbers. So a totally random assortment – all discovered by trial and error / offering, refusing, accepting, and sometimes refusing again! For fruit, she loves it all. She also loves peanuts (we watch her closely, and she’s older than your child) and peanut butter, and cheese and yogurt.
I used to worry if she didn’t eat a lot, and I’d offer her alternatives if she refused the dinner we made. But now what we make is it. If I have options, I let her choose, but once she’s made the choice and the food is in front of her, that’s it. No substitutions. For a while, we tried doing a somewhat-routine: meatless mondays, taco tuesdays, pizza fridays, etc. — and talking about it a lot, so she knew what to expect, what to look forward to, etc. We’ve fallen off that wagon, but we may pick it back up again.
Good luck!
Anonymous says
like sauteed collards? my kid will eat greens if blended in a smoothie, but won’t touch ’em if they’re on her plate. She”ll even refuse something if it has visible parsley on it. How do you prepare the greens?
Carrie M says
Sauteed with liquid, brown sugar, bacon, and a little minced garlic. We add heat to ours (red pepper flakes usually), but skip that for hers. Sometimes we’ll add an onion. It seems to take a lot more liquid than I thought it would to get them really tender. Usually we use water, sometimes my husband will use chicken stock if we’re using it for something else or vinegar plus water. It’s not the healthiest thing, but we probably only have them once every other month, or on a holiday when my MIL makes them and they’re out of this world. I think she does it in a more traditional way, with ham and a longer cooking process. We’ve adapted it to make it work on a weeknight.
I’ve tried to give toddler sauteed spinach and kale, but she hasn’t been interested at all in them. Not sure why collards are different, since the textures are similar.
Anon in NYC says
We’ve made a few slow cooker meals that the entire family can eat. My daughter (almost 10 months) loves black beans (google Smitten Kitchen black bean ragout), beef (google Ree Drummond drip beef sandwiches), and we just tried chicken tikka masala. We’ve also tried meatballs in tomato sauce (she liked them).
She likes peas and carrots, and we’ve tried a few different types of cheese that she generally seems to enjoy. She also seemed to like this zucchini salad with sauteed shallots, mint, and a bit of oil & vinegar. She likes grits, so perhaps polenta with tomato sauce would be a hit.
RDC says
In addition to what others suggested, my 15-month old loves baked oatmeal (recipes from budget bytes dot com), hummus (straight up with a spoon), steamed frozen edamame, and a one-egg cheese omelette.
Lkl says
YMMV because our 12 month old loves all food (I know, he’s going to get picky any day now), but we have great success with all kinds of beans (plain or in a stew, curry, etc.), pieces of tofu, ALL THE MEAT, fish, extra soft broccoli, cauliflower, and brussels sprouts (chopped). Grated carrots with dressing are also a big hit. I didn’t think he could eat them, but he does! Will your toddler eat cheese? Maybe try different kinds with different flavors? Toast pieces with hummus are another huge hit.
Meg Murry says
My kids loved self feeding, so we would puree our dinner or leftovers (use rice or baby cereal to thicken the puree) and smear it on toast, pita or crackers.
Has he learned that if he shakes his head “no” enough you’ll eventually cave and give him yogurt and fruit? Don’t do that – put food in front of him, make sure there is at least one thing he’s eaten before that he doesn’t hate and then when you are done eating, take him out of his seat and clean him up. If he acts hungry again in an hour, offer him the same foods. Kids aren’t dumb – they learn quickly that if they wait long enough they can get what they want.
Also, a big +1 to feeding him whatever you are eating so he sees you eating it, and don’t worry about separating “breakfast food” from “lunch and dinner food”. If he winds up eating scrambled eggs for dinner or meatballs for breakfast, what does it matter? Don’t stress about him having a balance meal every meal – just try to shoot for an overall balanced day. My kids generally only ever ate one big meal a day and just grazed the rest of the time.
AEK says
Scrambled eggs / omelets! Probably at least two dinners per week for my 15 MO.
For everyone who is suggesting meat, how does this work? Are they chewing it? My son has low iron, so incorporating more meat would be great, but no matter how much I mash / chop it, he has trouble getting it down.
Anonymous says
Mine is only 9 months with 2 teeth, but loves meat. Slow cooked meat (chicken, beef, pork) work great. Biggest meat favourite right now is probably meatloaf. I make it with chicken or turkey and she will eat almost an entire piece herself. The recipe is “unbelievably moist turkey meatloaf”
She also loves fish- I bake salmon or white fish and she can pick it up herself. She is also a fan of tuna straight from the can.
Anon in NYC says
Agreed on the slow cooked meat until it essentially falls apart or chopped really small (for my still-toothless baby).
Oh! And we also tried scallops with her the other day. She loved them.
Anonymous says
Yeah, braised or slow-cooked and shredded, or something like meatloaf.
SC says
My 11-month-old loves hummus and will eat pretty much any vegetable if it’s cut up and smeared with hummus. He also seems to like cucumbers and tomatoes by themselves. A few weeks ago, I made him a mix of black beans and chickpeas, seasoned up with some stuff we had around the house (garlic powder, lemon juice, and sumac maybe), which went over well. We also feed him eggs scrambled with veggies and sometimes cheese, ground beef mixed with veggies and carbs (mushrooms and pasta, broccoli and brown rice, etc.). We’ve been talking about trying some lentils soon, if we ever get the time and energy to make some.
His favorite food is whatever we’re eating. On Sunday he loved our omelettes with mushrooms, goat cheese, and herbs. Last night he loved my husband’s leftover oyster po’boy when I shared the last few bites.
Anonymous says
Lentils are a big hit at our house. I use the smitten kitchen lentil curry recipes and just don’t make it spicy. Delicious and healthy for the whole fam!
NewMomAnon says
I think I know the answer to this, but I’m stuck in the what-ifs and could use some wise advice: my landlord asked me if I could terminate my lease at the end of May. At first, I thought that would be OK because I could move in with my parents for a few months, and maybe buy my own house. But then she shifted the deadline to end of April, and the process of getting loan approval got harder, so I’d end up living with my parents for 3-4 months at least.
On the one hand, they have a big house with a nice yard, and I wouldn’t have to maintain any of it; my kiddo would get some time with her grandparents; I would potentially get some help with kiddo. On the other hand, my commute would go from 5 minutes to 45 minutes (with kiddo in the car), her dad has indicated that he would want to dramatically shift the parenting time schedule because we would be so much farther away, and I would have to do two moves (including moving all my furniture into storage for 3-4 months).
The biggest issue – I don’t know if I can handle living with my parents for more than a few weeks. My mom tends toward “toxic” when she is tired, stressed, inconvenienced, scared, annoyed, etc. – which is guaranteed to happen with another adult and toddler moving into her home. My dad is a perpetual motion machine who doesn’t understand why anyone would want to be alone, and I’m now used to being alone a lot and kind of enjoy it.
The easiest answer would be to ask my landlord for a one or two year extension on the lease, and possibly offer to pay her a little more in rent to make up the difference between my rent and market rent. There are some downsides to my current situation (cost, trek to my car, distance to green space), but it would be so nice to just stay in place for a while longer. I’m feeling guilty because she already has another tenant lined up, though.
Alternatively, I could try to rent a house somewhere – that would mean a move, but I could do it by end of April and it would resolve several of the concerns I have with my current place. I have no idea whether the cost is comparable, and whether the commute would be comparable.
Between living with my folks, staying in place, and looking for a house rental – which would you do? I think I’m leaning toward staying in place, but part of me feels like that is the “easy way out” and I’m just too scared to move forward.
St Louis says
Only make the move to living with family if it’s a positive change and would help you, and the situation sounds stressful at best. Parallel track the other two options – do a preliminary search to see if the house you hope to rent is out there – get an idea of the market, cost, etc. to find out if you can really do the move. At the same time, at least inquire whether staying is an option. Go with your gut! It sounds like you’ve already had a lot of upheaval; this is not the time to be forcing yourself to do something wrong for you or your child.
CHJ says
I’d certainly ask your landlord about renewing, just to see if that’s an option or not. Barring that, personally I would either try to buy a house right now, as in putting in offers this week, or move to a new rental and delay buying for 1-2 years. Can you make appointments to see both houses to buy and houses to rent this week?
I wouldn’t move in with your parents because it sounds like it wouldn’t be a good solution for you or for them. Fighting with your mom, 45-minute commute, custody issues, having to move again anyway… I don’t see what you’re gaining for all that hassle.
TK says
Particularly since all three of your options are temporary, I think “easiest for you” should be the primary deciding factor. I can’t tell which of the above would actually be easiest, but moving in with the folks sounds like the hardest, for lots of reasons – longer commute, challenging relationship with parents, disruption of parenting time schedule, etc. The other two options likely don’t have those complications.
Your kiddo will be fine and adapt to whatever you choose.
Anonymous says
I live with my parents and have a 2-year-old and am going through a divorce.
It sucks. But it saves a ton of money and it’s going to set me up for the future I want. I have begun meditating daily, I have begun getting IN the bath with my toddler so that we can both have bath time to relax at the end of the day, I have been paying my parents to cover food and utilities (and therefore I don’t feel guilty asking them to pick up milk or whatever, because that’s what I’m paying for), and I try to stay elsewhere every time my kiddo has an overnight with her dad. It’s a lot. Feel free to post an email address if you want more details or commiseration!
SC says
Also, check your lease. Do you have a term lease with your landlord? Are there fees associated with either of you breaking the lease? If so, make your landlord pay to buy you out of your lease if she wants you to move before it’s up. Use that money for a deposit or rent on another place. I’m a landlord, so I tend to be pretty biased toward landlords, but I would never ask a tenant to move out before their lease was up just to rent it for more to someone else. We’ve actually turned down family members who asked to rent from us because we had current tenants who we weren’t going to ask to leave. FWIW, I usually ask for a one-year lease that then rolls to a month-to-month, with 60-days-notice for any changes to or termination of the lease. We haven’t enforced the 60-days thing so far because we’re always able to find another tenant within a couple of days.
Meg Murry says
Yes – this. It’s the end of March now. Read your lease – unless it has a clause saying the landlord can ask you to leave with 30 days notice (many places it’s 60 or more), you don’t HAVE to vacate at the end of April.
But if you are month-to-month now and don’t want to bother moving, there is nothing wrong with pursuing another 1 year lease to avoid moving right now if you are content there. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying “This apartment is good enough and I don’t feel like moving with a 2 year old right now” and staying put, even if it isn’t a perfect apartment. That seems like one of those “put on your own oxygen mask” situations – do what you need to do in order to continue being a decent parent and sane human being.
Anonymous says
The longer commute would deter me as well as not having the alone time. I tend to need alone time as well, especially when going through a tough time. I love my parents dearly and talk to them daily but I would not be able to live with them, especially when going through a tough time.
I would be inclined to stay where you are if possible. With so much change, a stable living situation would be good for you and kiddo. We moved when my daughter was 2.5 and I’m often surprised 2 years later how much she still talks about our old house.
MomAnon4This says
I have lived with my parents and my kid (and my husband).
It was for a.long.time. — 8 months. I did not want to, my parents did not want to, it was for (our) financial reasons.
It was helpful. It was do-able, in the sense that we existed and came out the other side okay, and our relationship is certainly — close, now. My line at the time was, “They’re great parents, just not great roommates.” And we had the entire upstairs to ourselves!
But if there was a way to go back and do anything else but that, I would. I’m sorry, I don’t know if this is what you wanted to hear. It was really hard on me, my husband, both my parents in their own way.
At least ask the landlord about staying. Then consider your next options. Good luck. Feel free to post if you have any questions.
NewMomAnon says
This is actually exactly what I fear happening, and I’m not sure if it’s irrational – my parents and I had a strange and difficult relationship when I was a kid, and I’m working through it, but it sounds exhausting to have to work through all those emotions and dysfunctions on a minute-to-minute basis with no possibility of retreat.
I am going to ask my landlord; I like her and she has been a good landlord, and I’d like to part on amicable terms if at all.
Clementine says
It’s not irrational. Irrational is worrying that your parents are secretly aliens and dressing your child in a tin foil hat.
Rational is recognizing that patterns may continue and/or escalate.
MomAnon4This says
It’s not irrational.
If you have a good/decent relationship now, and feel like you can move in with an end date – find a place by X date, a move-out date of X, 2 weeks, 30 days, what-have-you, it will probably be more successful/less stressful than my experience. In retrospect, that would have been better for us all.
pockets says
I also didn’t have the greatest relationship with my parents while I lived with them (and also for periods while I didn’t live with them), but we (husband, kid, me) had to move in with them for 6 weeks while renovating. My parents also don’t get along great with each other all the time so I was worried about the constant bickering. I was apprehensive but it was fine! Better than I thought it would be. Everyone behaved and it was actually relaxing to have my parents there to help care for my kid. These are the things that I think affected my experience:
1. My mom (and to a smaller degree, my dad) were SUPER EXCITED AND THRILLED to have all that time with their (only) grandchild. This helped smooth over A LOT of rough points. My mom also gets super cranky and difficult if she’s tired/hungry/sick/panicked/overwhelmed, but she held it together because she was so happy to be with her granddaughter.
2. I didn’t work at the time, so commute was not an issue for me. My husband’s commute probably increased by about 20 minutes each way. I think it was OK for him.
3. My mom doesn’t work most days either, so she was around to watch baby while she napped and I could go out and run my errands, eat lunch by myself, etc. This was so much nicer than my normal routine of constantly being with my child and being trapped in my apt for 3-4 hrs every day while she lunched and napped.
4. My husband and I went out to dinner ALL THE TIME! Like, on Wednesday nights, we would go to dinner while my parents put our child to sleep. It was amazing! Free built-in babysitting is nothing to sneeze at.
NewMomAnon says
Update: Talked to my landlord, lease renewed for another year!!!
Now to break the news to my parents. I know they will be disappointed. Maybe I can send kiddo to stay with them for some overnights as a consolation.
Need some household management advice! says
I thought I’d ask the hive-mom mind for advice on this situation — my cleaning lady is pregnant and due in June — we’ve chatted about her pregnancy briefly, she’s says she’s feeling great, etc. etc. We haven’t talked about what happens when she gets closer to her due date/has the baby.
She’s not through a service, and while she has an assistant, all my contacts are through her. I’ve been happy with the work, on the plus side, she’s very flexible with her schedule and hasn’t had a problem if I’ve had to reschedule due to a sick kid or travel. It’s probably a little more expensive than it would be with a service, and I debated shopping around for something cheaper, but that was right before she told me she was expecting and I realized the (possible) extra expense is worth the flexibility and that the money was going directly to her.
Anyway — advice for what to do/say about her pregnancy?
I don’t want to assume she’s not going to keep on, but I also don’t want to sound heartless like I expect her to continue on, esp as her pregnancy progresses. I was going to give her a bonus closer to the date regardless of what she does.
Samantha says
My cleaning lady (similar to yours, not a service) was having her third kid (the first two are older) and she was very comfortable with pregnancy and what it entails. She worked (with an assistant where needed) until the last days of pregnancy. I asked her to come back when she could and she came back within three months. I didn’t hire anyone for the interim. I’d say maybe just ask her what she intends. If it’s her first pregnancy though, she may not know.
Need some household management advice! says
Thanks! My instinct was to just ask, but I was worried I’d somehow step on some sort of landmine. I also feel more than a little guilty, since I really do think paid maternity leave is a really important thing to have, but I all we can swing is a bonus equivalent to two cleanings.
It’s not her first pregnancy, but it’s been several years since she had her first child, so this may go differently.
WorkingMom says
I am now in the new-to-me position of managing an employee who is a new mom and who is taking a.Lot. of time off! Her baby is in a daycare and gets sick a ton of the time. She gets sick a lot also. I know! I’ve been there! And my kid is home with a nanny for precisely that reason – daycare germfest. I’m in the same position (sick me, sick kids, two working parents) but I have backup options lined up (nanny, backup nanny, grandma, husband shares the care load) and it may not be her fault that she doesn’t.
I know I should try and be understanding. And I am. (I saw another email this morning and only replied “hope you feel better.” I restrain my impulse to give advice.). But whenever she takes a sick day (for her or her child), someone else on my team has to fill in – it’s either me or one other person. Her job has a daily component, and a medium-term projects component, the daily component doesn’t take a lot of time but needs to be done. I feel that she should at the very least ask nicely (“I’m out today, can you take over x for me?”) as opposed to just stating it. I think she manages to catch up with the medium-term projects part, but I’m not monitoring closely enough to detect slippage. A coworker made a comment to me recently (“she is out sick for a day every week!”). My direct reports may think the same or say something to me. I don’t want to be perceived as partial to her. FWIW, she is very similar to me (ethnicity, woman, mom) and we are both dissimilar from the rest of the team so I was conscious of perceived bias while hiring her. But I told myself that white guys don’t think that way when they hire other white guys!
I don’t know what my question is. I guess I’m just waiting for this terrible flu season to blow over. Feel free to give me the smackdown and say that I need to be supportive and understanding as a working mom myself.
rakma says
So a piece of advice I was given early in my career, and which I’ve followed since, is to not ask nicely to take time that’s non-negotiable–“I’m sick I can’t come in”, not “I’m not feeling well do you need me to come in” or something else wishy washy. She may just be trying to be to the point, assuming that you will know to delegate her responsibilities
Could the daily thing be taken care of remotely? So she’s still responsible for that part, since it doesn’t take a lot of time? Or can you shift responsibilities around?
I think if your other direct reports have something to say, you shut it down, but I don’t think that means you can’t have a conversation with her about how these frequent sick days are affecting the whole team, and maybe offer advice as part of that conversation. This may also be related to how long she’s been back and how young her child is–this may get better as the child gets older.
I think you can be supportive and understanding while still being annoyed.
CHL says
agree with advice above and might also counsel you to check in with HR (if you have it) in case it turns out that there’s some underlying illness or other issue that might pop up as a problem if addressed in the wrong way. Does she have enough PTO to cover all this and therefore might think of it as an entitlement? It needs to be a discussion focused on performance and the impact to others.
NewMomAnon says
I’m not sure how long this person has been with you, but consider whether you want to throw away that investment you’ve made in an otherwise good employee, because of a year or two difficulty transitioning to being a working mom. What are you losing by her being absent? If it’s just some vague discomfort and annoyance, but the work is getting done, it’s probably more expensive to replace her (or discipline her during a difficult time and raise the chance that she will leave). If there is a hit to your bottom line, you need to manage that.
Empathy goes a long way toward building employee morale. Compounding personal problems of an employee can destroy morale in a heartbeat. Tread carefully.
TBK says
Does she have the sick leave to use? Because if she does, then that’s what it’s there for. If it’s her baby’s first year in daycare, that seems like a self-limiting problem — once the kid has some immunity built up, s/he will get sick a lot less. And while having back-up is great, it can be incredibly hard to line up. I’m lucky that we have live-in childcare, plus my husband has a flexible job, plus my MIL is retired and nearby, but most people don’t have even half of that.
WorkingMom says
Thanks all. To answer questions above –
– This is a key position and I absolutely don’t want to throw away my training/investment in her.
– She has only been on board a few months, I didnt know it when she interviewed but she must have just been back from maternity leave then to her old company.
– I am quite sure there isn’t an underlying illness issue. Just cough/cold/flu/strep throat/pinkeye and all that usual stuff that daycare brings (been through it with my older kid). Just too many things in too short a time. Hopefully a transient problem but in my experience the entire first year of daycare is like that and you need to be prepared for it or in a role where you’ve earned your keep before then.
– Yes, she has PTO to cover it. She says she is working from home some of these days but not a lot of work gets done with a sick kid and I’m not enforcing that 2 hours of work means enter 6 hours of PTO into your HR site. That seems petty and I don’t think I should be managing by hours of input anyway.
I need more advice on this part: “have a conversation with her about how these frequent sick days are affecting the whole team”. What is my objective for this conversation? To get her to take sick leave less? How do I do that without sounding unsympathetic? And would it work, anyway?
Maybe I’ll follow NewMomAnon’s advice and just live with it.
TBK says
I wouldn’t have that conversation. She has the leave. She’s using it for legitimate purposes. She’s trying to work from home. When someone is sick everyone has to take up the slack. I wouldn’t put it on her when it seems like she’s doing everything she can and isn’t taking more leave than she’s got.
Anonymous says
“Hey, Employee, you’ve been out a lot for your child. Is Child okay? Your frequent absences are a strain on the team — how can we handle it better?” Maybe she wants to be at 80% time, and only work 4 days/week. Maybe she is also dealing with other stuff. Regardless, hopefully others can help me suggest ways to frame the conversation as “WE need to fix the workload so that the rest of the team isn’t over burdened when you’re out.”
MomAnon4This says
I would focus on the work.
“When you’re out, how do you make sure X tasks get done? Those are priority.”
Listen.
Come up with a plan together to make sure X tasks get done. That’s what you want, right? Focus on what you want.
pockets says
you mentioned there are daily tasks that aren’t getting done by her when she’s out. Focus on those – “X, when you’re out, A, B, and C, which need to get done, fall to other people. Is there a way you can get A, B, and C done even if you’re out?”
If there is no way, maybe consider taking these assignments away from her until the problem resolves itself?
anon says
If we couldn’t afford a nanny, I’d probably be in the same place as your employee. We don’t have nearby family to help, reliable backup care is even more expensive than my nanny, and if my spouse is traveling and can’t help cover, I’m up a creek. And I actually did find myself in that situation, and I was just as frustrated as my boss. It took me a few months of being back at work to figure out how to find that reliable backup care and even then I still worked from home because this was a brand new person spending time with my non-verbal baby.
So. You should have a conversation with your employee (with all the caveats from above), but please be mindful of the fact that not everyone has the same resources.
Anonymous says
Is she out of sick time? Assuming not, is her performance being affected? If no, it’s your job to talk to the team. She’s got the time, she’s doing her job.
If her performance is suffering (i.e. Not “was a rockstar is now meeting expectations” but actually *not* meeting expectations), you need to let her know. Schedule some time either when both she and baby are well to talk about it, and approach gently but clearly.
Is there anything you can do (remote work? Flexible hours? Swapping tasks around that are easier for her to do while under the weather?). Then lay out some things you’ll (and/or the team) need from her, if you have them. If she’s still got FMLA time she’s using, this may be a good convo to prep with HR first.
Do you know if she is the “default parent” or if the kid is actually sick 2x what she takes off and other parent is dealing with it?
Fwiw I had a direct that was on a slow slide into a performance plan, but I didn’t put her on one because she was pretty pregnant. She took her leave, is back, and just as bad if not worse. I’ve had a lot of tough convos and now I’m the boss that put the new mom on a PIP. To be fair, she’s been back almost 3 months and she should have been on a PIP in the fall.
Anonymous says
No advice on your actual question but MAD PROPS to you for pointing out that white guys aren’t asked to defend their decisions to hire other white guys. PREACH, girl.
pockets says
+ a bazillion
AEK says
I *am* this woman, so I appreciate that you asked this in a sensitive way. I have been out sick so, so much since coming back from maternity leave last May. And I am plagued with guilt over it. I have no family option for back-up care and have not found a reliable backup care provider for days when my kiddo is sick and can’t go to daycare. I’ve also had to stay home for a week with adenovirus I got from him, after being home with him for most of the previous week. That was a real low point.
I don’t “ask” my boss because I truly have no other options and I have to stay home (sometimes my husband does). I always apologize for the inconvenience, but I know that’s no consolation. I feel terrible; I feel like a failure; but I also have no choice. Unless you have performance-focused feedback, please do not talk to this employee about her absences. Legitimate use of sick time is not absenteeism and is not cause for intervention, even though I understand your annoyance.
MomAnon4This says
For real. It sucks.
No expectation of parental leave, so you use up all your sick time & vacation to take care of a newborn, then you put your kid in daycare so you can go back to work… and then you can’t even work because daycare makes the kid sick, so you use your (barely accrued) sick days to take care of the kid, then you work sick and hope it doesn’t go around the office or you don’t bring home someone else’s cough… ugh.
Meg Murry says
The only reason I would say to still talk to her even if she is using her allowed sick leave but is burning through it at a pace where she will be out within one or two more illnesses (if you are given a block of leave to use within the calendar year instead of accruing each pay period). In that case, you may want to sit down with her and say “I know it is hard to juggle a sick kid plus getting sick yourself, I’ve been there. However, I am concerned that you are down to X days of PTO remaining, and at that point if you call in, I have to apply [company consequence ABC such as a PIP]” Of course, that is assuming your company has a policy that says “after X call-offs, these are the steps managers must take”.
If your company doesn’t have a specific policy, and it’s your discretion, never mind, please just be kind to her, and focus on how you (as a group) can make sure everything gets covered.
NewMomAnon says
I like this approach a lot; I’m sure she is worried about all of this too. I would be sick to my stomach if I had started a new high level job and had to be absent that much, and would be very worried if I was burning PTO.
One possible option: I’ve had supervisors allow me to “make up” time so I don’t have to use PTO. As in, if I worked all weekend, I could earn two additional days off on top of my PTO (an employer allowed me to do this when I had started the job right before the holidays and couldn’t earn enough PTO to go home). Or, if the employee has a spouse or could find weekend/evening/morning care, maybe offer some flexibility. For instance, if she works from 6 am to noon in the office, she doesn’t have to take a day of PTO.
Another option: my employer is apparently offering “new parent coaching.” So far, the returns are not good (several coaching clients have quit the firm, oops) but you could offer something similar to help her learn to manage working from home better.
Betty says
Is there anything that you can do to help her on the work-front? Is there a loaner laptop that she can have for this flu/germ fest season so she can get some work done from home? Do you know of a back-up care service? Can you offer any type of flexibility to help her make up hours? Have you sat down with her and talked about how hard this is (sick season with a new baby), that it will get better and how can you two be a team on taking care of her short and long term projects?
Not everyone can afford a nanny. Not everyone has family nearby, and some jobs (her spouse’s) may not allow for paid sick-time.
mascot says
+1 to seeing if there are any available back-up care services in your town that employers can access. It would be a benefit to the whole company.
Federal employee advanced sick leave says
I am a fed and starting to plan for my maternity leave over the next few months. Has anyone received Advanced Sick Leave? I can cover a few weeks with my sick and annual leave, but hope to utilize this option too (it seems like President Obama supported this option last year in a Presidential Memo). My boss says that she has never signed-off on this and of course HR won’t get back to me. Just wondering if anyone has successfully secured this and what “strategy” you used.
Another Fed says
I haven’t used it personally, but know some coworkers who have. Feds get sick leave for the physical recovery from birth, not for bonding time. So typically 6 weeks. Some of this may have change with Obama’s memo, but I think it’s still limited to 6 weeks. I’m in a big agency, so it is all covered in our personnel manual. Try looking there or asking a union rep if you are in a union.
And then ask you boss’s boss or go knock on the door at HR. They shouldn’t make it this hard.