I’ve ditched my wallet in favor of a card case, and here’s one in a fresh color for spring.
Although the color is a bit unexpected for Burberry, this lambskin leather card case still nods to tradition — the brand’s signature check pattern is quilted into the leather and the gold TB logo is front and center.
Use this for IRL networking events or (like me) as a minimalist wallet.
Burberry’s Lola Quilted Leather Card Case is $290 at Nordstrom.
Two more affordable card cases in a similar color (“blue celadon,” to be exact) are available at Saks Fifth Avenue ($128) and Nordstrom ($128).
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Sales of Note…
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has started! See our thoughts here.
- Ann Taylor – $50 off $150; $100 off $250+; extra 30% off all sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off purchase
- Eloquii – 60% off all tops
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off “dressed up” styles (lots of cute dresses!); extra 50% off select sale
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything; 60% off 100s of summer faves; extra 60% off clearance
- Loft – 40% off tops; 30% off full-price styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Talbots – 25-40% off select styles
- Zappos – 28,000+ sale items (for women)! Check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kid shoe brands on sale.
Kid/Family Sales
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off kids’ camp styles; extra 50% off select sale
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off summer pajamas; up to 50% off all baby styles (semi-annual baby event!)
- Carter’s – Summer deals from $5; up to 60% off swim
- Old Navy – 30% off your order; kid/toddler/baby tees $4
- Target – Kids’ swim from $8; summer accessories from $10
Cb says
I use a phone case with slots on it. I am a chronic wallet/key/phone misplacer so it’s good to have one less thing to keep track of. Just stick it in my pocket and go.
AIMS says
I recently downsized my wallet to a smaller one but it’s slightly too small? I’ve been looking for something that is kind of in between – like a large “small wallet” and can’t find anything I like (criteria are a zip change pocket and a bright easy to spot color). Weirdly, all the wallets are either too cheap & low quality (i don’t even mean price; they just don’t feel good to hold, if that makes sense) or so absurdly expensive that I am not interested ($500+ for something I’m meh about isn’t going to happen). Plus I’m not a huge logo person and a lot of the “nicer wallets” seem to have a giant logo tacked on. All to say that it feels very Goldilocks and maybe I need to just stick to my old big wallet and get a phone with slots for just being out and about.
Cb says
Yeah, maybe a separate pouch for change? I haven’t carried cash in so long though.
AwayEmily says
I don’t know how big you are looking for but Hobo makes a great selection of simple wallets and their leather has a lovely touch/feel. Mine has held up for years and years. They’re pretty reasonably priced, but I’ve found them at Nordstrom Rack for cheaper, too.
Anon says
+1 I’ve had a Hobo wallet for several years and love it.
HSAL says
+2 I adore Hobo bags and wallets. I’ve got at least four wallets of various sizes and I’ve kept all of them just in case I want to go back to that style someday.
Mrs. Jones says
+1 just got a Hobo slim wallet/card case and it’s really nice.
Anon says
It’s not small but I have a Cuyana wallet I love. It’s high quality leather with no logos and not insanely expensive.
Anon says
I have the small zip wallet from New Day at Target and I love it for a small wallet. It has a zip pouch for change. When I need something nicer than my ugly Vera Bradley (see below), it is my go to wallet.
I also have a tiny mini hipster from Vera Bradley that I basically use as my casual wallet and phone case. 90% of the time that is the only thing I take on errands, but when I need a purse, I just slip the hipster inside the purse.
Cornellian says
https://www.mywalit.com/small-leather-double-zip-purse-puglia.html ? 70 bucks.
CCLA says
you may want to check out kate spade small bifolds, i have one and it has a change zip pocket
Anonymous says
I recently got an “Envelope Convertible Crossbody” bag from Portland Leather company and kind of love it. It fits both of my phones (I have a separate one for work) and has wallet-like card slots. It’s not really a wallet, but it’s small enough I can throw it in my bigger laptop tote, or it works as a stand-alone
anon says
+1 I have a large leather bag that came with this type of crossbody as well as a beautiful midsize crossbody/satchel. The three of them together are all the bags I need. I definitely get the most mileage from the small envelope crossbody.
Anonymous says
I may be a dinosaur, but I just can’t do the phone card case thing. I’ve witnessed too many incidents of cards’ falling out of the slots. Also, I don’t feel comfortable going anywhere without cash, driver’s license, health insurance cards, two credit cards in case there’s an issue with one, and AAA card. I am an extremely unlucky person, so I always like to be prepared for emergencies. I suppose I will be the last dinosaur hanging on to my full-sized wallet.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Not the only one – I still bring my full size wallet everywhere – it fits into my Kate Spade cross body bag! I like the look of that Envelope Crossbody Convertible, but I also like that my wallet has a zipper all the way across so I know that nothing will fall out.
AIMS says
This is my issue too – I can do the phone case/card for lunch or a run to the drugstore but I like having more stuff with me. Plus if I lose my phone I’d rather not lose all my cards too.
Thanks all for the wallet brand suggestions. I haven’t looked at Hobo. I love the look of Cayuga & the colors, but wish there was an in between size. Maybe the small one would work though!
NLD in NYC says
Maybe not “dinosaur” – perhaps a fellow Elder Millennial (lol)? I also don’t feel comfortable leaving the house without cash in my full size wallet. I’ve one too many young’un get stuck because they didn’t have cash to pay for a cab or food when the credit card machine is down. Cash will always be king.
Anon says
Any audiobook or podcast recommendations for young kids (3.5 and 1.5)? We have a looong car trip coming up. We like Circle Round, but need some other ideas!
Fallen says
My almost 4 year old loves lingokids on spotify
DLC says
If you have Audible, Laurie Berkner’s Song and Story Kitchen is a huge hit with my 2.5 and 4 year olds. Sparkle stories also has some nice gentle stories.
Anon says
Seconding Laurie Berliner’s song and story kitchen. My almost 4 year olds love it.
Redux says
If you have a favorite storybook author, I would get the audio versions of the books you already know and love and others by the same author. For example, Julia Donaldson or Mo Willems. I find on the younger end of the spectrum it’s easier for the little ones to follow audio stories of books they already know. Would also work for any movies or tv programs that they already know. At least for my kiddo who gets carsick if he looks down at a book, the ability to pay full attention to the audio (while looking out the window) was critical.
Anon318 says
Cross-posting from the main s i t e with some Moms flavor thrown in:
I’m hosting an afternoon end-of-year party for my daughter’s elementary school classmates, siblings and parents this weekend. We have not hosted a large non-family gathering since 2019 and my host skills feel really rusty! A co-host is managing kid- and adult-friendly snacks (mostly single-serve packaged snacks and drinks) and I’m providing the space, kid activities, and adult beverages. I’m planning a cooler of b e e r and probably a batch of sangria and a batch of Lynchburg lemonade. Am I missing anything? Is there anything that would make this type of gathering more fun for you? Any other/better easy-to-make-in-batches drinks or serving tips?
I’ve planned outdoor water activities for the kids, so hopefully they will run around and wear themselves out for a few hours. However, there is a chance of a thunder storm. Any ideas for backup activities? I will probably be ok just letting the kids loose on the playroom/kids rooms, but if you have any brilliant ideas, I am all ears!
Anon says
This sounds so fun! What age elementary? That makes a big difference in terms of activities.
A couple things – you said “a few hours” – I’d make sure this party lasts two hours, max. For your sake and the guests.
I try to avoid serving boozy lemonade because too easy to get it confused with kids drinks. This may be too 2019 of me, but how about some white claw or similar? I’m also not sure I’d go for a sangria mid-day, but depends on the sangria maybe. But I’d do more things in cans or bottles and less batch drinks for ease of serving. You didn’t say who’s doing kid drinks but a big cooler full of juice would work for us.
Definitely get those water balloons that basically fill themselves up. Maybe bubbles and chalk for younger siblings.
You are very nice to say you’d let them loose in your house! Will think more on indoor ideas for you!
Anon318 says
My daughter is finishing pre-k so about half the kids will be ~5 and ages will range 4-8 with sibling attendees. Good point about the lemonade. Maybe I’ll do some weak white and red sangria along with the canned drinks and call it a day.
Cornellian says
A friend had adult and kid lemonade, and made the kid one sparkly pink which made them way less interested in the yellow one.
Anonymous says
A LOT of water. Either water bottles or a giant dispenser of water + cups. Shade (pop tents etc). An available bathroom. Sunscreen spray for anyone who forgets.
AIMS says
Water and sparkling water. As much as I appreciate adult beverages being available at kid events I really want to keep my buzz to a minimum and that’s sometimes hard when you’re around lots of People you don’t know too well and end up nervously sipping on whatever is offered.
AwayEmily says
Yes! I love when there is fancy sparkling water at parties (by “fancy” I pretty much just mean “a different store brand than the store brand we get,” tho I’ll never turn down a spindrift).
Anonymous says
I get super excited by any new to me flavors of Le Croix, or even just “pamplemousse.”
Boston Legal Eagle says
+1000! Have all the water. I typically don’t drink at kids’ parties because it makes me tired and I’m usually chasing a kid or two, and especially outside in the heat. I like the suggestion of shade too – would that maybe help if it starts raining too? As for inside – you are braver than me in letting the kids loose there, but my older one likes legos, coloring, throwing balls around. Level of activity planning probably depends on number of kids + ages.
Anon says
what age in elementary? i actually think it is easier to do all single serve drinks that don’t need to be put in cups and to leave out a sharpie so people can write their names on their drinks. we just hosted a backyard bday party for my kids who are younger and had our swing set, sidewalk chalk, bubble machine, these HUGE inflatable beach balls, and a craft. it was a success.
Anon318 says
My daughter is finishing pre-k, so half the kids will be 5 with siblings ranging 4-8. If no storms, we have a water slide, water balloons, foam water blasters, bubbles and chalk! So my fingers are all crossed that the weather will be ok.
An.On. says
I’m in a similar boat! Not as many kids, probably, but I was planning on just sending everyone outside, and now I’m bummed it’s looking like cold and stormy.
Anonymous says
How about a movie and popcorn as a backup plan if it storms? Do you have cool treats, like Flavor Ice, ice cream sandwiches, etc? Can you call an ice cream truck to stop by during the party? You could grill some hot dogs for lunch. The water balloons that fill themselves are called Buncho Ballon’s. Get a big pack at Costco because you will run out! Tell parents to bring a swimsuit/towel/change of clothes for their kids.
Anonymous says
I have not had success getting kids to watch movies at parties. They inevitably lose interest within ten minutes and run off to ransack the playroom.
anon says
Boy, isn’t that the truth.
H13 says
I prefer single serve beverages but if you do have cups for water, sangria, etc. put a sharpie out so people can write their names on the cups.
Anonymous says
Music! A Spotify playlist and speaker
anonM says
extra toilet paper and hand towels for the bathroom, and probably some clorox wipes and baby wipes handy for mess/spills/kids peeing all over the seat. If you think this sounds crazy, then you have not had my 4yo at your house lol
anonchicago says
11 weeks pregnant and just tested positive for COVID. I am fully vaccinated and so far it’s like a bad cold, but I’m freaking out about risks to the baby from reading about the risk of stillbirth and blood clots early in the pandemic. Also, I’m pretty sure I got it from my mom who isn’t vaccinated – I haven’t really been near anyone else and she was coughing on me all weekend. That’s a whole other ball of wax that makes me scream right now.
Any moms here deal with COVID in pregnancy and have positive stories to share?
Anon says
So sorry, I know it must be scary. But I’m pretty sure all the stillbirth research was pre-vaccine. I’m sure you and baby will be fine.
Anon says
My BFF is a Type 1 diabetic and got it at 33 weeks (triple vaxxed). She said it was really just a cold for her, little extra tired, despite the fact that she’s extremely high risk. Presumably she got it at the wedding we were all at the weekend prior and she said basically “it’s mild enough I would have gone to the [very fun, first in-person event since March 2020] wedding again even knowing this was the outcome.” (though no one else we know got it at said wedding – you really can’t be sure these days). I hope you have a similar experience and you are able to just get through it. Good luck!
Anon says
your friend is lucky she is the only one who got it at the wedding. My in-laws went to a wedding and 75% of the guests got it.
Anon says
I had Covid in pregnancy despite being vaccinated and boosted and it was mild at first, but I coughed for months and developed a small pelvic organ prolapse. I’d maybe ask for antibodies just in case though at 11 weeks you should still be in pretty good shape and I doubt it would be an issue. Would also suggest pelvic floor PT but make sure they will do an internal that early on – many won’t. Otherwise it’s generally not a problem if you’re vaccinated. The OB will likely have you take a baby aspirin every day as a precautionary measure.
Anonymous says
Walk around as much as you can. the one issue (though rare) to worry about is clots.
Uncle says
I’m not sure why I’m posting because this is definitely for my pediatrician and I’m typically team Internet Is Not For Medical Advice, but I’m at a loss. My 4 year old has been doing two things recently that are really out of character for her. One, she’s scratching all over her body really, really intensely. Like leaving marks. She does have mild seasonal eczema, which we’ve talked to the pediatrician about. We use Aquaphor, cerave lotion and kids Claritin religiously. She’s getting zero relief.
Second, maybe related maybe not, she has been complaining at bedtime and overnight about a generalized pain in one of her legs. No trauma to speak of. I thought it was a bedtime delaying tactic for a while, but I’m increasingly convinced the pain is real. She’s also been waking up pretty much every night for over two weeks and the pain is one of the things she’s consistently raising. Is this potentially just growing pains?
We’re kind of at a loss. She’s entirely not herself. It’s been a but of a crescendo over the last 2-3weeks, and this morning was the tipping point. She loves school usually and would not get out of the car this morning. Threw a fit about as bad as we’ve ever seen. The teacher had to coerce her out about 20 minutes after the normal start time.
So, all of this is for my pediatrician when they call me back in a little while, but I sort of don’t even know what to ask. She’s not injured. Seems ok during the day, according to my very attentive, experienced nanny. She’s my one and only, and I just an overly anxious parent? Is this just 4? What do I ask? I usually have a high bar for calling the pedi, so the fact that I even went there indicates how concerned I am.
Nanny usually picks up DD from preschool at noon but I’m leaving work to do it myself and see how she’s doing, and talk to the teacher directly about how the morning went. Le sigh. It’s not easy, no matter what the age, huh?
Anon says
Call the pediatrician.
AIMS says
It’s not easy and yes this is for pediatrician. But if it’s any comfort now my daughter has the same complaints about her legs from time to time and our doctor said it’s common and even though there is no medical evidence of actual growing pains she sees it a lot in her patients. My mom had the same thing as a kid, although I don’t think I did.
EDanon says
My 5yo complains about pain in his legs. It’s usually of short duration, though, like a couple of days. And it doesn’t impact his mobility or sleeping. I do think his legs ache at the end of the day sometimes (and I do call it growing pains, but also, I run a lot and sometimes my legs ache at the end of the day, so it could be that). I definitely had what my mom called “growing pains” but my mom and other family members have restless legs, so I also wondered if it was related to that.
I also recommend calling you ped.
NYCer says
No idea about the itching, but leg pain definitely could be growing pains. My older daughter experienced something similar in the past.
I also think it is fairly normal for a preschool aged kid to throw a fit about going to school from time to time, even if the kid generally loves school. I wouldn’t worry too much about that one, especially since it just sounds like it was one instance.
AwayEmily says
My 6yo’s need for connection/anxiety definitely manifests as physical pain. Almost every night before bed her eye hurts, her leg hurts, a bug bite starts bothering her, etc. I believe her pain is “real,” if that makes sense — those things REALLY DO HURT — but also that the physical feeling is very much tied her to what’s happening to her emotionally. This happens at other times, too. So, when she says something hurts I try to treat both the physical pain and (potential) emotional pain. I get her an ice pack/massage her leg/put on cream, but also take it as a sign to up my one-on-one time with her and try to ask some leading questions about things that might be bothering her, to the extent she’s able to articulate it (sibling stuff, friend stuff, etc).
OP says
This is helpful. We are seeing the pedi tomorrow but I’ll make sure to focus on increasing mom and dad time. Admittedly work has been nutty, particularly for me lately.
Anonymous says
Talk to your ped. My guess is you have a need for Rx steroids for the eczema and you also have growing pains. The behavior could be from disrupted sleep due to the above. Hopefully that’s it! Def talk to your doc.
Anon says
Try hydrocortisone cream for the eczema
Anon says
+1 eczema generally requires a steroid cream
Anon says
You can also ask if Eucrisa is an option. We used it for our kiddo when he was an infant because we didn’t want to use too many steroids. It’s expensive if your insurance doesn’t cover it—$400 a tube but it worked better.
growing pains says
Leg thing sounds like classic growing pains. Especially if she’s waking up with it. And it being in one of her legs. Wouldn’t worry about that at all. My three year old has had them for months and we’ve taken her to the pediatrician twice about it, FWIW because they’ve lasted so long. And they checked her iron just to make me feel better but really just said it’s growing pains.
Growing pains are an only evening/night thing usually, so that’s why it’s easy to identify them. If she’s having leg pain during the day, that could be something different. My second had them too, but not as bad as my third.
HSAL says
My oldest had leg pain we attributed to growing pains. One of my twins (nearly 4) has also mentioned her legs hurting at various times lately, which were also assuming growing pains.
The itchiness is interesting though – the twin has also complained of itchiness on occasion lately, though she’s not very scratchy and it seems mild. I wonder if it’s a growth spurt? That could explain both if her skin is being stretched a bit.
Anonymous says
Could her leg be sore? My kid definitely sometimes gets sore if he has a day with extra running or something and – like it does for me- muscle soreness does keep him up at night. It took us a long time – years- to put 2 and 2 together on this.
Anonymous says
Yup. Remember sometimes to think horses not zebras. My girls complained of horrendous stomach pain. Call into pedi, day off from school, the works.
Turns out that around 3pm I realized it was from all the ab stuff they’d done at gymnastics the day prior. They had sore muscles not interior stomach pain. Kids don’t know the difference!
So Anon says
I can chime in on the eczema front: I have eczema that is somewhat seasonal and also responds to my stress level. Here is how this plays out for me: Stress leads to increase in eczema, which makes me itchy. I am able to control the itch while awake, but it makes me cranky while awake and I will wake up while I am scratching the eczema, which makes the eczema worse. Then I’m not sleeping great, which increases stress. Thus begins a super fun cycle. I take claritin and aquafor, but when I get into one of these cycles, OTC does not cut it. The other thing is that the appearance of my eczema is not necessarily related to the level of itch or that it is making me super cranky. Definitely talk to your ped, but I wouldn’t underestimate that constant itch from eczema can make an adult, let alone a child, itch like crazy, sleep poorly and have a negative mood overall.
Anonymous says
As others have said, talk to the doctor. On the scratching, is she complaining that she is itchy? I sometimes get itchy basically all over my body. For many years I assumed it couldn’t be an allergy because I had no rash. I’ve ultimately figured out it is a reaction to certain detergents/soaps/shampoos. I don’t know if it dries out my skin or what, but something is happening. It’s most often a laundry detergent, but I’ve also had it from switching shampoos and trying new deodorants. I try to use fragrance free detergent and bath and body products which has helped a lot.
Confused Associate says
Daycare planning question. My husband and I both commute 40 mins (in-office full time) in opposite directions to work. I am an attorney and regularly work 7:30-5:30/6 so I am out of the house from 6:45-6:15/7. My husband works as an engineer on a 9/80 schedule so he works similar hours.
My struggle is the daycare location question. It doesn’t really make sense for our schedules to have daycare near our home since we work long hours but if we do daycare near my work or his, it makes things very lopsided as far as one parent doing all of the dropoffs and pickups. My parents are close to our house so they could help with pickups but I feel bad relying on them every single day. I wish my work was flexible but it really isn’t. Sometimes I feel like one of us getting a new hybrid job is the only option. Also writing my schedule out makes me realize that I will have hardly any time with my baby during the week which is making me sad to think about. Any advice?
Anonymous says
I would choose a day care near home and shift your schedules so one person picks up and the other drops off. Our day care was near my office, an hour from home and from my husband’s office, which prevented us from using day care when I was WFH, home sick, or traveling. It was especially stressful to deal with backup care while I traveled.
Spirograph says
+1. We always did daycare near home and split drop off and pickup. One parent is drop off by default, the other is pick up, but we shift if needed when things come up.
I feel you, though. Long commute was the reason that I dropped to 4 days a week and then ultimately changed jobs to one with a 10 min commute after I had my second baby. I know that’s not something to take lightly, but the short commute was quite literally life-changing for the better.
Anonanonanon says
+2. This is what we did, daycare near home and shift schedules so one parent does drop off and one does pickup. Also had a hard rule that you couldn’t accept a meeting/commitment that would interfere with your duty without checking with the other person first.
NYCer says
I would consider a nanny if that is possible.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I do think hybrid jobs will be helpful for you both, and they should be more plentiful now, especially in your fields (I’m also an attorney, husband is an engineer who mostly works from home fulltime now). I am always in favor of daycare near home so that one person is not stuck with all of the daycares/pickups. If you have willing and able parents nearby, I think that is a great option too. As for seeing the baby, yes it’s true that in the early months, you may not get much time with them during the day. Their sleep needs change though, and there are always weekends.
NLD in NYC says
+1 Daycare near home, staggered schedules so that you can alternate pick up and drop off.
anon says
Are you sure daycare is going to work for the hours you’re both keeping? I’m in favor of keeping daycare close to home for lots of reasons (and I have done it both ways), but I don’t know of ANY daycare that’s going to provide coverage for that long. If you want to keep both jobs, consider a nanny. But I’d also be seriously looking into other work opportunities.
Anon says
Yeah, in my state a child can’t be in daycare for over 10 hours a day. May be worth looking into a nanny.
Anonanonanon says
Really? Daycares here are open for 11 hours with no restrictions for how long you can use them, but an hour commute is not unusual here
Anon says
I live in the middle of nowhere Midwest where most people have a 15 min commute, if that, and daycares are open 11 hours. I’ve never heard of a daycare (vs “school”) being limited to 10 hours of care. That’s wackadoo.
Anon says
Yes, in PA. Or at least that is what every daycare told us. I attempted to look it up but couldn’t find it. Maybe they were lying and it was just their own policies.
FVNC says
Washington state (or at least, our county?) has the 10 hour limit as well.
Anon says
Wisconsin also has a 10 hour limit.
Pogo says
I would still do daycare near home, since if one parent is travelling that would really screw things up for the other parent. We have similar-ish schedules, though my commute is shorter. We ended up getting a PT nanny to do pickup and supplement evening care.
Mornings are just tough and we have to trade off and sometimes truly we can’t do it all – yesterday we both had a 7am and I just had to bow out of mine because I wasn’t leading it and he was. Very few daycares start before 7am, so if that is a consistent need it might make the most sense to go FT nanny.
Yes, sometimes you see very little of the kiddos during the week. It is definitely a season – as they get older they stay up a bit later – but also part of being a working parent. I remember one of the early “day in the life” posts on here where the poster (a physician) talked about “no kid sighting” days where she left before they woke up and got home after bedtime. No one loves it, but I think it’s important to normalize in a way that has been normalized for truly ever when it comes to men. I love my job, and it allows us to take time to do things as a family we wouldn’t have the budget for if I scaled back or stayed home. just my perspective!
Anonymous says
Really unpopular opinion: consider making a 3 year plan for someone to change jobs or for you to move. What you have is do-able, but do you really want to do it forever? And will you have other kids?
I know it’s a ways away but even dealing with before/aftercare for elem in this scenario sounds miserable.
Don’t do anything now, just start talking to each other and thinking long term.
– Mom of 3 who would have laughed in your face if you suggested this to me when I was pregnant to my first, who is now happily eating humble pie.
Anonymous says
I don’t mean to scare you AT ALL but just give you more time to prep for this sort of thing. I’m not sure how old your child will be when s/he starts daycare, but COVID aside, expect for him/her to be home for at least a full week a month for the first winter of daycare. If not more. Young kids are sick ALL.THE.TIME. Add the fun of COVID classroom closures and you are looking at 50% of your (parental) time needing to WFH.
If you and your husband have such inflexible schedules, I would highly advise non daycare childcare. A nanny would keep the sickness at bay until they start preschool (when you’ll have the same scenario) and also be available to watch a sick child.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, I agree with both of these. I don’t think it’s an unpopular opinion as long as BOTH parents have to make the decision for shorter hours/WFH job/more flexibility, etc. It shouldn’t just be mom as this kind of inflexible schedule should cause both parents to push back on their employers, especially given the line of work doesn’t mean that you actually have to be in the office to get the work done. The best way to avoid employers “mommy-tracking” is to lose more dads to these kinds of rigid policies.
Anonymous says
I posted the suggestion and I agree 100%. I spun out my own consulting practice and DH turned down two promotions. He works loosely 9:30-4:30ish from our home. I work about 20 hours a week. It’s glorious.
Cornellian says
100% agree.
And would add that you and your husband will also be constantly sick. I truly would estimate 90% of my lifetime time spent sick was within my son’s first 18 months. And this was when people went to work sick, which I think is less accepted now, so you’re going to have some serious issues.
Anon says
This. I am a lawyer and naively did not think my daycare child would get sick. Well. He gets sick every three weeks. Some daycares close TEN days for a positive covid case.
Anon says
Definitely the daycare near home.
anon says
Daycare near home, but I don’t know if daycare alone will be enough.
If your husband can work 10 days in two weeks and shorter hours, that could help.
Otherwise, nanny instead of daycare? Help with pickups or dropoffs + some morning or afternoon care? (though if grandparents can’t do it, it can be hard to find this kind of help).
Anonymous says
Sigh, every daycare I know has shortened its hours due to staffing issues. Half my team at work is struggling with this. Ours is now 8-5 and it’s one of the best options in our major city – the couple that have longer also have a ton of staff turnover and just generally not good quality. You might consider a daycare near your home plus a sitter/nanny for after.
Cornellian says
yeah, this is a good point, too. Even if the daycare has those hours now, they may not in a few months depending on labor market/covid/etc.
Mrs. Jones says
Day care near home for sure. Good luck!
Anonymous says
I don’t really get what you’re saying about daycare near your home. The thing is, with daycare transitions, home is the constant, not the work location. This is true for pick-up, drop-off, and picking up when sick. So I agree with others that daycare near home is the way to go. In terms of the hours: our daycare has full-time plus (6am-6pm) and regular full time, which is 8:30-3:30, I think. Regular full-time seems insanely unhelpful to me BUT we are now considering that option + a nanny. Our thought is that this would ease the pick-up burden where we would add a part-time nanny (3-6 or 7) to daycare pickup, dinner, and maybe bedtime depending on our schedule. I was worried that it would be hard to find, but a friend encouraged me to look because they are a lot of people looking for non-traditional, part-time gigs, like a college-age student. Also, in my ideal scenario, nanny could also have expanded hours to also serve as a household manager who runs errands, does light cleaning and laundry. This is my summer project :)
Anonymous says
Wow. I don’t think any daycares in our major city start at 6 am. I struggled to find one for my oldest that started before 7:30.
Anonymous says
A bunch of daycares in my neighborhood start at 6 or 6:30 for teachers — a lot of teachers are required to be at their schools by 7:30 or earlier.
Anonymous says
I’m the above poster and my husband is a teacher so it’s been really tough!
Anon says
The ones associated with hospitals here tend to have earlier hours.
Cornellian says
I think you probably need a nanny or at least someone who can do some drop offs/pick ups (and maybe you can have them prep some baby food or dinner or do laundry to fill out hours). I think there is more demand for afternoon PT nannies than morning, so perhaps you could find someone to come in the mornings.
But yeah, your plan sounds very unsustainable, frankly. It doesn’t allow for any flex if you or baby is sick, or quarantined, or for evening work events. maybe you can both get your bosses agree to stagger your hours a bit, but I think one (or, frankly, both) of you needs a new job.
Anonymous says
Sadly, I think it will be easier to find a new job than it will be to find enough child care to cover your current schedule.
Hmmm says
+1. These schedules would not have worked for us, and definitely not with reduced covid hours at many daycares. Even before covid, I would have needed to either cut my commute or cut my hours at the office (or both.)
If you want to keep your current hours and commute, you will likely need two nannies. If you can stagger your schedule with your husband, you might be able to get by with one nanny.
FVNC says
Another vote for daycare near home.
We had a similar situation when my older kid was a baby; I worked 45 min in one direction, husband worked an hr in the other direction (in a job with very inflexible hours/commitments). We generally tried to have me handle drop off and husband pick up, but it didn’t always work. It was a big stressor and I wound up working from home almost every day before it was covid cool. We didn’t look into nannies because we were able to modify our schedules, but that would have been a better option if we’d both had to work in the office with long commutes.
LD says
Your current schedule is going to be really tough with a kid, especially with that commute. Are there other parents in your office? What do they do? Personally this schedule wouldn’t be sustainable for me if there really is no flexibility on when and where you work.
As far as daycare location, I prefer daycare near home. It means you need longer daycare hours, but for me, commuting 40 minutes with a screaming baby/toddler or whiny kid in there back is much more painful than 40 minutes with a podcast.
Anonymous says
Yep. In a similar situation location wise (shorter hours) We did daycare near my husband’s work and I felt so bad my toddler was spending over an hour in the car every day, both because kids need to move around and because higher accident risk. Obviously there are situations where that amount of driving is the best choice – not digging anyone here, we made that choice too- but it turned out that near home would’ve been better. There will be times for whatever reason that you won’t want one parent to have to do 100 percent of drop off and pick ups (let’s say you are sick or something) and you don’t want the other parent to have to drive 40 minutes the wrong direction to do it. Both parents should be able to handle the inevitable midday kid pick
Ups for illness too – in our situation we only had one vehicle so my spouse had to do 100 percent and it was NOT ideal.
Anonymous says
Yeah get new jobs. Your hours are ridiculous and not compatible with a child.
Anon says
I would do daycare near home so you can share pickups and drop offs and use grandparents. Choosing your office or your husband really puts the burden on that person and will be complicated when they get sick, travel etc as others noted.
Anon says
We have a similar situation (with 20-30 min commutes). We do daycare close to home and shifted our schedules so I always to drop off and he always does pick up. Pre-kid our jobs didn’t really offset that kind of flexibility but we just told them it has to be this way and it’s worked out fine.
Daycare is open 7-5:30. Husband wakes up at 5:30, leaves for work at 6:30, is there by 7:00. I wake up at 6:00 and am ready by 6:30. Baby wakes up sometime between 6:00 and 6:30 (I wake her up at 6:30 if needed). I get baby ready from 6:30 – 6:50 and we leave for daycare. Daycare drop off from 7:00 – 7:15ish and I’m at work by 7:40. Husband leaves work at 4:45 to pick up baby around 5:15. I’m usually at work until 5:40ish and home around 6:00. Baby doesn’t like to nap at daycare (she has too much FOMO with the other kids) so she usually goes to sleep around 5:30. If he needs to work more he gets to the office earlier. If I need to work more, I stay later. It’s not unusual for me to not see the baby in the evenings and him in the mornings. Whenever I’m able to I leave as soon as I can, even if that means logging back in at home later or doing work on the weekends, so I can see her before bedtime.
synchronia says
Specifically about the 9/80 – I had that schedule until I had a baby, then I switched to a regular 5/40. Having more time with the baby each day became a lot more valuable than a day off. Your husband might want to consider it.
Anonymous says
A 9/80 would be a no-go for me. It makes that parent pretty much unavailable for day care pickup and drop-off. That parent will also end up using the day off for recreation or rest that the other parent doesn’t get.
Anon says
+1 9/80 with a baby means you won’t see the baby most weekdays. It would be a non starter for me.
Anon says
Yeah I would love a day off each week but 9/80 would be impossible for me with kids.
Anon says
this summer we will be visiting my parents who live in Montgomery County, MD with our 4 year old twins. they live near Cabin John Park. Last summer we went there, went blueberry picking at Butlers Orchard and to the Zoo. Any suggestions for activities in the burbs or in DC? I was hoping to take them to the air and space, but looks like it wont be reopening until fall. trying to stick to mostly outside bc we will then be visiting my sister’s newborn, but also always good to have an indoor activity or two in case of bad weather. (but not any of those play places with lots of germs)
Anon says
Air and Space Museum at Dulles. Indoors and very spacious.
Anonymous says
It looks like Cabin John Park has a train! We haven’t been there but our 3 year old loves the train at the Wheaton park, and I assume it’s similar.
OP says
yes we did that last year and will probably do it again. we also have a train at the park where we live in another state
Anon says
My parents lived in Montgomery county, MD too! We visited them in December last year and did the zoo and the Smithsonian museums (though check the hours, the museums are all closed on different days of the week, which we didn’t realize and missed natural history museum). We also did some small hikes nearby, though summer would be really hot and muggy. Have fun!
Anon says
Clemyjontri is a large park that is a bunch of fun (go early because parking fills up quickly) just across the river in Virginia. My 4YO can run around for well over 2 hours. Lots of benches and some tables if you want to make it into a picnic.
Anonanonanon says
Seconding the advice to go early because it fills up FAST
Anon says
Friends of ours (far west VA burbs) have gone to South Mountain Creamery in MD and enjoyed it with similar aged kids. You can get a tour of the farm, see the cows getting milked (only certain times of day), see the baby cows, eat amazing ice cream (I have some pints from them in my freezer since our grocery store just started carrying them), etc.
MoCo mom says
Check out Green Meadows farm, Clarks Elioak farm, Glen Echo (playground, carousel, and a small aquarium there), the pond with the turtles at Brookside Gardens, South Mountain Creamery, the Wizard of Oz playground at Watkins Regional Park, or Croyden Creek Nature Center.
Spirograph says
I went to the Wizard of Oz playground for the first time a few weeks ago and it is great, but be warned the playground itself has *no* shade. It was toasty on a sunny spring day, so I wouldn’t want to go there midday in the summer!
MoCo mom says
Good point! I find this to be true of a lot of playgrounds unfortunately. The ones along Sligo creek tend to be shady but more lackluster in terms of equipment.
MoCo Mom says
Another suggestion is to search the County parks website. They are doing a series of outdoor concerts and puppet shows for kids this summer. (Look for “Playhouse Jr” program) Some libraries are doing outdoor events and activities. And there are always things going on at the various nature centers.
Also look for the splash pads if it’s super hot. Takoma playground has one as does the downtown Silver Spring area. The Germantown Splash Park is also great and has mini golf too.
Anonymous says
I lived in Silver Spring when I was little. I am now 45 and moved across country when I was 9, so take this with a grain of salt, but I remember spending a lot of time at Wheaton Regional Park and Brookside Gardens, which is apparently part of it. We also went to see performances at Glen Echo some, and there is a carousel there. And I am thrilled to hear that Butlers Orchard is still going strong! The Udvar Hazy pavilion (VA Air and Space Museum) is cool but huge and probably more attraction than you need for 4 year olds. I guess from a COVID perspective that probably makes it safer – lots of vertical air space to dilute droplets. We also used to go to the inner harbor in Baltimore on the weekend for a more major day trip. We liked the aquarium (truly huge – they kept adding on after we moved), renting paddle boats, visiting MD science center, and visiting the USS Constellation. Oh and visiting Fort McHenry. My dad is into the civil war though; I found the fort pretty boring.
Anonymous says
The Baltimore aquarium is awesome, but all indoors and masks are currently optional (we went a few weeks ago and it was about 50/50 on masking). The harbor itself is a nice place to go for lunch and walking around; there are some historic boats you can tour, you can rent paddleboats, and there’s a little playground.
Spirograph says
+1 to South Mountain Creamery and to Udvar Hazy Air & Space, as well. My kids are hit or miss with how “into” Udvar Hazy they are on any given day, but the SR-71 and Space Shuttle are usually wins. Brookside Gardens is indeed next to Wheaton Park — you can walk from one to the other (it’s only a mile or so and there’s a playground or a butterfly garden to motivate little ones to get to the end, depending on which direction you go).
Also, Great Falls. I wouldn’t do the Billy Goat trail with 4 year old twins, but we spent tons of time there during summer 2020 when my kids were 3.5 and 5 and they loved clambering on all the rocks and trees along the flat trail that runs parallel to the river, and they’re always impressed by the Falls overlook. If you like hiking, Sugarloaf is also nice and has really pretty views from the summit.
Anonymous says
Hi you’re looking for me! I’m an expert in this. I’m just going to throw stuff out there and you can check it out:
-Nature Centers: Locust Grove (in cabin John) is small but great kid friendly hikes and clean creek to play in. We’re here all the time in the summer. Nature playground but they like to call it an “exhibit” and keep specific hours. Croyden Creek in Rockville also has a small nature center and good kid friendly trails. Robinson Nature center in Columbia MD (35 mins) has the best nature center/natural playground and hikes.
-Playgrounds: Dewey Local Park, Greenbrier Local Park in North Potomac (but it’s FULL SUN). Clemyjontry is good which someone else mentioned.
-Glen Echo, nearby, has professional puppet shows, a carousel, and this little rinky dink aquarium that is very Chesapeake bay specific and cute. Also an outside area to play. Everything keeps weird hours so plan ahead but this is always on our summer bucket list.
-Breweries for lunch. Lone Oak in Olney has a playground! They have food trucks or pack your own food. Brookeville Beer Farm in Brookeville MD is very kid friendly and serves pizza.
-Germantown Splash Park is great if you have kids under 8.
-Clark’s Elioak Farm, but this is full Sun so we do not go on super hot days.
Anonymous says
+2 to South Mountain Creamery – you can schedule a time to feed and pet the calves! And ice cream is always a win in the summer.
Also Clark’s Elioak Farm in Ellicott City for petting zoo and train rides. There are also some more pick your own orchards for summer berries and stone fruit in the area but can’t remember them off the top of my head.
If you head into DC, Yards Park is always a hit with kids for the dancing water fountains, which is a great way to cool off in the summer. Or perhaps a picnic at the National Arboretum?
Anonymous says
MoCo has a bunch of nice pools that have slides and splash areas. I haven’t been to all of them, but Wheaton-Glenmont, Germantown, and MLK all have plenty of fun for kids who aren’t strong swimmers yet. You’d have to pay non-resident admission for adults, but sometimes a pool is the only place I want to be in the hot, muggy, summer!
Anonymous says
If you want a more covid-conscious (or just less crowded) water activity, 2 suggestions:
1. River tubing at Harper’s Ferry. It’s an hour or so drive, fun for kids and relaxing for grown-ups. Everyone gets a life jacket, and unless it’s been really rainy, the river is pretty slow and flat
2. There’s probably somewhere closer to Cabin John that is similar, but Burnt Mills Park (West) in Silver Spring has great spots for wading / splashing. There’s a little rock scramble (lots of good bouldering, if you’re into that) to get down for the first quarter mile or so, but then it flattens out into a nice shady trail next to the creek. Avoid for a day or two after torrential downpours, but that was our version of a pool for pandemic summer.
Anon Moco says
Silver Spring resident here, and I love summer here- there is so much to do! I mean none of it is particularly” touristy”, and I’m sure it’s the same stuff you see in other places, but I never wonder what to do with my kids to get them out of the house. My favorite thing with my toddler/pre-schooler are all the nature centers- Croydon, Meadowside, Locust Grove, Brookside, and Black Hills. Black Hills has kid friendly hikes led by a naturalist that are super fun- you have to register for them ahead of time, though. I find the nature centers tend to be less crowded because people don’t know about them.
There are lots of county outdoor pools, though those can get crowded when summer camp is in session. Wheaton-Glenmont pool is probably the most fun for kids.
Sandy Spring Adventure Park is a lot of fun, though 4 might be a little young for it.
Brookside Gardens has a kids play area and a pavilion to watch turtles.
Favorite Mo Co playgrounds: Wheaton Regional, Germantown Adventure Playground, and the recycled tire playground at Seneca Creek State Park. Greenbriar is shaped like a boat and amazing too (though not mid day because there is no shade) Wheaton Claridge is another smaller park I like because there is lots of shade and some short hiking trails.
Germantown splash-park and mini golf.
If you look on the Montgomery County Parks website, the County is also doing some free kids’ shows in the parks this summer that look super fun- music, puppets, that kind of thing.
I really think that the County Parks does an amazing job at providing engaging outdoor activities for kids, but they aren’t really great at publicizing them.
Most of the libraries have outdoor storytimes these days. Noyse Library is a library just for kids that’s a good rainy day place, but honestly all libraries are great here if you’re looking for a convenient indoor activity.
The Trolley Museum is another place my kids love.
And we do lots of hiking- Great Falls, C&O Canal, Catoctin…
The website kidfriendlydc is an awesome resource for places to go with kids. It’s my go to for finding out what fun festivals and activities are going on.
Anonymous says
One of our most-beloved former daycare teachers is a librarian at Noyes. It’s a lovely little spot!
OP says
thank you all SO much.
Anon says
Can anyone recommend a toddler sun hat? We have one from the brand Sunday Afternoon and my kid refuses to wear it. We had success with Target last year but they’re all sold out except for one with dinosaurs on it and my kid is weirdly afraid of them.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My kids liked (or at least tolerated) these from Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07VM3ZF8H/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&th=1&psc=1
Anon says
We go with baseball hats. Because half a brim is better than no brim.
Anonymous says
Mine loves her iPlay sun hat – I got a two-pack of this version so one can stay at daycare: https://www.amazon.com/play-Baby-Protection-White-months/dp/B003A6Y3HC/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=iplay%2Bhat&qid=1652973764&sr=8-2&th=1&psc=1
Anon says
My toddlers have hated anything with a chin strap, so the Gap and Old Navy toddler bucket hats are my go-to’s. I do have keep putting the hats back on or they will take them off, but some sun protection is better than nothing and it avoids the inevitable chin strap tantrum.
Anonymous says
Hanna Andersson is our go-to. They run huge.
AIMS says
We have done a lot of hats. I’ve had good luck with carters and Hanna Anderson. Carters has a bunch of choices now, including good swim hats that are always bit more hard to find.
Anonymous says
If baseball hats and bucket hats and iplay hats are all no-gos, try a backwards baseball hat. My middle girl refused EVERYTHING until age, well, she’s still refusing and she’s 7, but anyway, at age 15 months she kept a baby baseball hat on backward!
Anonymous says
my husband just found out he has 4 days weekends for all 4 summer holidays: memorial day, Juneteenth, 4th of July and Labor day. We’re in the Boston area. Daytrip/ overnight trip ideas? Kids are 4-9. Could we do Montreal and back or is that too tight? Hershey park is on our kids’ list (we did it last year). They’d like DC but, well, DC in summer over a 4 day weekend seems icky. We have a 2 week beach vacation planned for august.
Spirograph says
DC on a 4 day weekend in the summer would indeed be icky. No direct experience on the rest of them, but I’d definitely skip that!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Acadia or Portland, ME. Providence or Newport, RI – there is a nice zoo in Providence if your kids are still into that. Martha’s Vineyard. Montreal will probably be a 5-6 hour drive, so might be a bit much for just 2 or so days there. I also wouldn’t want to drive to DC over a holiday weekend in the summer…
NYCer says
I definitely think you can do Montreal in 4 days if you fly.
Probably obvious other options: Nantucket, Martha’s Vineyard, and Maine (Portland or Acadia). Hotels and houses might be hard to come by in Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard this late in the game though (June might be easiest, though weather could be iffy). We also really like the Ocean House in Rhode Island. NYC if you’re interested in a city destination.
Anon says
DC isn’t so bad as long as you do something inside or wet from 1-4 PM. Pick a museum. Kayak on the river in Georgetown. Nap at the hotel. Just be sure to do the outdoor monuments in the morning or evening before it gets too toasty.
Anon says
Acadia/Bar Harbor! But avoid leaving Friday afternoon or coming back Monday if you can, traffic is crazy.
Anon says
yea I’d save DC for another time. Upstate new york? VT area and go to Ben & Jerry’s if your kids like ice cream?
AIMS says
Mystic, CT
Martha’sVineyard/Cape Cod/Rhode Island
Lake Winnipesaukee, NH
Portland, Maine
Woodstock, NY (or anywhere in that area)
Anonymous says
WWYD: mother daughter time.
I have 3 girls: 4,6,almost 9. We live in Boston. My oldest LOVES live theatre. My middle is on the path to loving it but due to COVID has not seen much. Middle also needs to be asleep by 8 and has a fairly short attention span. Youngest is, well, 4, and while she has a long attention span, I’m not sure it is 2.45 hours.
Wicked is coming to Boston this summer. Aladdin is in NYC. Do I:
1) Take Oldest and Middle to NYC to see Aladdin this summer and leave Youngest home with Dad, do Wicked when everyone is a bit older
2) make this a family trip and all 5 of us go to NYC and see Aladdin (or maybe peel the older 2 off to see it and leave Youngest with dad?), deal with Wicked when they are a bit older
3) Take Oldest to Wicked in Boston and Middle to NYC to see Aladdin
I have not seen either but friends tell me my oldest is old enough for Wicked but my 6 year old is too young. We have friends that just took their kids (5,7) to Aladdin and they loved it.
NYCer says
I would do option 2.
Anon says
I would do #3.
Anon says
And I agree with your friends that 6 is too young for Wicked. I think it’s borderline too young for Aladdin honestly, but if your kid is good at sitting still it should be ok. I’m planning to take my 5 year old with the expectation that we’ll leave at intermission if she’s getting restless.
Anonymous says
Oh, interesting. My 6 y/o can sit still if she’s interested but can also be squirmy. She did the nutcracker this winter at 5 but just barely.
Anon says
I think my almost 9 yo would enjoy Aladdin more than Wicked. I’d hold that for the middle school years when you all can go.
I’d also look at a matinee in NYC for the 4 yo so you could all go to Aladdin together. The theater will be full of kids so you wouldn’t have to worry about a slight squirmy 4 yo.
Anon says
I took my seven year old to Frozen on Broadway a few years ago and there was a young kid, maybe five years old, next to us who slept the whole time. And I thought… “Well, maybe the seat was cheaper than a sitter?”
I think some of it depends on your children and their relationship. My oldest is such a theatre lover that I would hesitate before taking her sibling to a show without her. My middle is five, loves Hamilton, and I have no reservations about taking both kids to see it later this summer. But I would more likely leave him at home and do a completely separate type of Mother/Son date with him.
Listening to the soundtrack of each show with the kids would be a good way to gauge their interest/ appropriateness- that might help inform your decision.
But also- if you just want to expose youngest to theatre/ live performance, there are likely other options that aren’t Broadway Musicals. Like High School theatre productions, Children’s Theatre, Symphony Pops Concerts, for example.
And… does your husband have a preference whether to be with the 4 year old at home or in NYC?
Anonymous says
If you aren’t sure about the younger kids’ attention spans, I’d take the oldest to Wicked in Boston and leave the family NYC theater trip until all three are older.
All of the theatre kids I know adore Wicked.
Anon says
Hi there – I’ve posted before that my DS #2, now 17 months, is still not walking. He’s cruising and crawling (fast), crawling up stairs, etc. We have a very trusted pediatric practice who asked us to bring him in if he wasn’t walking by May. I took him in today, and the ped recommended a neurology consult to see if PT was needed. I burst into tears (and was comforted by the lovely ped). She said “Look, if we didn’t live next to a massive children’s hospital, I’d just say wait, but since the resource is here, I’d rather him get seen.”
For additional context, he has about 4 words, can point to body parts, is getting better at pointing to pictures in books, claps, etc.
This isn’t about me but I’m really down about it. Has anyone had similar experiences?
Anonymous says
We have friends whose child was like this. He’s 9 now and you’d never know. Get early intervention while it’s an option!
Anon says
Hi– DS is 14 months (13 months adjusted). He is not walking. We are in PT for some gross motor delays– likely due to his prematurity and reflux when he was younger. We referred ourselves to our state’s Early Intervention program for physical therapy. Neurology was not involved and had no reason to be involved– we knew our son needed PT. I find the neurology suggestion a little odd and unnecessary based on what you are saying actually. If you are concerned about him not walking, I would try to just talk to a therapist through EI– these referrals take a really long time though. DS qualified therapy in February, and we are still waiting to start. That being said, I’m not sure I would assume your kid needs PT since he is crawling, etc. DH walked at 18 months and never crawled. He butt scooted instead.
And yes, the entire process (to me) has been very stressful. I have a lot of mom guilt about it, even though I know I did nothing wrong.
Anon says
If he’s cruising, then he’s probably fine. Is he really tippy or is his balance pretty good? Is he standing on his feet normally or up on his toes?
For some kids it can also be motivation. My kids walked or crawled the first time to get cell phones or TV remotes.
OP says
He’s standing fine – in fact he’s pretty fast when he moves around.
Anon says
my best friend is a pediatrician whose son walked at 18.5 months. i have twins – one walked at 14.5 months and one at 17.75 months. your pediatrician sounds wonderful! no harm in an evaluation and it sounds like your kid is doing great with lots of other gross motor stuff. hugs to you
Anon says
No advice about the walking part, but I found out my kid needed glasses around that same age. Our similarly lovely pediatrician wanted him to be checked out “just in case” and turns out he needed a fairly strong prescription and daily patching. I held it together at the doctor’s office but got home and ugly cried so hard I almost threw up. A little bit of sadness that my beautiful boy wasn’t 100% perfect, a little bit crushed that he needed special intervention at such a young age, a little bit I don’t even know what.
I was sad for a few weeks, and then sad all over again when the glasses came in and he had to start wearing them, and sad again when he cried about the patching. I was super sad and had to ask for my partner’s intervention when family made comments about the glasses, positive or negative. It got to be a little less sad each time, and now a few years later I don’t even think about it as a sad thing – I’m just grateful that we caught it early and were able to get him the support he needed.
All this to say, your emotions are valid, whatever they are. Do your best to stay upbeat in front of your kid and family. ask your spouse/partner to run interference on any “well meaning” friends or family who think they need to point it out, and take all the time you need to cry and rage and work through your feelings. Parenting isn’t easy, motherhood even more so, and all you can do is give your kid all the love and support you can. Keep repeating that to yourself, and be kind to yourself.
Anon says
I know a few people with kids that didn’t walk until 18 months (or more). One of my friends did therapy with their daughter and she started walking soon after – coincidence or not, who knows. It’s not that unusual.
Anon says
My daughter was more verbal but didn’t walk until 18 months. It was just a motivation thing for her. When she finally walked, she walked like kids who’d been walking for months.
Anon says
My second kid wasn’t crawling or holding to stand up when he was 10 months old. Took him to Pt, and after much crying and many sessions, he started to stand at 11ish months. He hardly ever crawled. Now, he’s a a super fast runner at age 3! You’d never know he had to go to PT to learn how to stand or crawl.
Anon says
And as kind of a counterpoint my kid wasn’t standing or crawling at 10 months and figured it out eventually with no PT (although def on the later side – she crawled at 12 months and never stood unassisted until she walked at 18 months). People say PT can’t hurt and I agree in a sense, but it’s a big parental investment of time (and possibly money, depending on insurance) and most kids will get their on their own eventually. I think we’re too quick to jump too it when kids do things later than average. When a kid is really out of the normal range, like 18 months and not walking, it makes sense to me. But standing and crawling are not expected by 10 months. Crawling isn’t a milestone at all and some healthy children never crawl.
Anonymous says
For those of you with a kid that is high needs, has a chronic illness, special needs, or just a needy personality, how do you balance attention with multiple children?
I have 4 and one of my kids is going to need more of our parental attention for the rest of their lives. It’s not obvious– it’s more socio-emotional- but it is rough going sometimes and the other kids feel….well, brushed off? We’ve had deal with physical acting out where we had to put the other kids in a different area of the house while we manage the physical tantrum of the 4th. We often have to put one parent on 3 kids and one parent 1:1 with our other child in order to make things work. Do we say anything to the other kids? Sometimes we’ll take my oldest aside and ask them to be in charge of the rest while we “help [sibling].” It seems like a raw deal.
Anon says
this is hard. so first of all hugs. where in the age order does the high needs kid fall? and is the high needs kid aware of his/her challenges? i do think at some point sharing with the other siblings would make sense in an age appropriate way. i had a sister with sever debilitating panic attacks/anxiety and i feel like my parents were so hush hush, i didn’t always understand what was going on versus if she had had cancer or something like that they would’ve told me. as a parent now, i also get that it is hard to balance, and while i never felt ignored per se, my sister’s needs almost always came first which bred a lot of resentment from me towards my sister, which has impacted our relationship into adulthood. i don’t think asking your oldest to be in charge is necessarily fair. i also think a very hard concept for kids to learn is that equity and equality. like you are obviously trying to give each kid what they need, but what they need is different. i would try to make time for one-on-one outings with each of the other kids as much as possible.
Anon says
My kids actually learned about equal vs equitable in school and shared the idea with me, and I’ve thought about it myself often.
Let’s say there’s a bowl of candy on a high shelf, and three kids want to reach it. Julie is really short, Jose is middle height, and Manny is really tall and can reach it with no help. Equal would mean we gave each kid a small step. But that would mean Manny got help he didn’t need, Jose would be fine, and Julie still wouldn’t be able to reach it. However, equity would mean Manny didn’t get anything, Jose got the small step, and Julie got a chair to stand on. All three kids got different things, but they all ended up reaching the candy. This applies to a ton of scenarios kids can grasp. Washing hands in a sink, getting the same size shoes, etc.
For OP, a story like this may help explain some of what’s happening to your kids. But then I think you transition it to talk about getting each kid the LOVE and parental involvement they need, and what you are doing to ensure they each get special time with a parent. Can you, say, dedicate one night a week to each kid so dad puts just one kid to bed on Sun, another to bed on Mon, etc, spending extra time to chat and cuddle? And then mom does it the next week?
Anon for this says
I like this. None of my three kids is objectively high needs, but they each need some… customization, shall we say? At least one (and I suspect two) has ADHD, and that means we need to do things a little differently to make it equitable. We try really hard to set some time aside for each, individually, to counterbalance when we need to switch to zone defense so that one (usually the same one) of them can get one-on-one attention.
My 8th grade teacher gave a presentation to the entire 8th grade at one point about her special needs sister. The point of the talk was supposed to be acknowledging and celebrating differences and that people with disabilities are humans worthy of love just like everyone else, but I distinctly remember my friend summarizing it as “my r*** sister ruined my life.” It’s a tough line to walk to convey to siblings that you have to equitably address each child’s needs while also making sure they don’t internalize some kind of slight.
Anonymous says
I don’t like the “equitable versus equal” distinction in this particular case. All children have needs that are important, and it’s not at all equitable to dedicate all the attention to the one with a behavioral problem or to curtail the others’ lives.
Anon says
Yeah, I think you need to be worried about parentification with your oldest who is also a small child.
Anonymous says
The kids are 8, almost 6, 4, and 15 months. The high needs kid is my almost 6 y/o. Panic attacks are a good example, but can be more violent. Kid almost blacks out so remembers next to nothing despite acting “super crazy” (my other kids’ words).
This means my 8 year old is often handed a toddler and a 4 year old and told to go downstairs and watch TV. Or dad puts toddler to bed while 8 reads to 4 and I do 1:1 with the 5 y/o. It’s that sort of thing that is wearing us all down.
We knew 4 was hard but the issues we have were not present when we made the choice to have 4 kids. And now we feel like had we known, we wouldn’t have (but also- we love the youngest two to bits!!!).
Anonymous says
This sounds like too much on your 8 year old. One parent should handle the 8, 4 and 15 mth kids while the other handles the 6 year old. It’s reasonable to ask the 8 year old to read their sibling a story or put on a show but watching a 15 month old is too much responsibility. I’m concerned that you say the 8 year old is often handed a toddler and a preschool and expected to provide care on another level of the house.
Can you arrange for an evening nanny to watch the three kids? Or additional training so that one of you can handle the 6 year old on their own?
It’s fine for one parent to be responsible for 3 kids, it is not fine for an 8 year old to be responsible for 2 kids in anything more than a rare and brief occasion.
I totally understand the challenge of having multiple kids and finding out medical information that would have changed that decision. We have 3 – our oldest has serious medical issues (not behavioral but requires intensive attention), I’ve often thought that if I knew this in advance, I would not have had additional kids – but we are in that situation now so we need to step up and figure out how to parent and what outside supports to bring in. It’s hard.
Anon says
If your budget allows you should hire more help. I can only imagine how hard this is, but it shouldn’t be the 8 year old’s job to supervise on a regular basis. I’d also watch your other kids and see about getting them some therapy or family therapy so they can manage their feelings on this.
Anon says
Agreed that you’re putting too much on your 8 year old who is still a young child herself.
AwayEmily says
My oldest is a super chill, responsible, empathetic kid and my middle is much more high-spirited in ways that frequently require parental intervention and taking him to his room to calm down (meltdowns, etc). We had a baby three months ago and I worry about my oldest in this same way — both her brother and sister just take a lot more out of us right now. I try to acknowledge it directly by talking about how it’s tough to be a big sister, how her siblings are not her responsibility, etc — and also by giving her weekly one-on-one time that’s “special,” even if it’s just going to a park together and working on a new coloring book together.
Anonymous says
If there is no diagnosable issue, I’d consult a therapist. Not to work directly with the needy child, but to give you and your husband parenting strategies to avoid shortchanging the others.
Anon says
+1. I also think the framing of this is problematic. From the post you have a six-year-old who started having issues in the last couple of years and doesn’t have a diagnosis but you are already thinking of them as needing more support than your other kids for your entire lives. That’s pigeonholing everyone involved in a way I find concerning and which probably you should disclose with a professional.
Anonymous says
Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply the child doesn’t have a diagnosis. We have one. Which is why we know we have a tough road ahead.
And in theory, more care is the answer but the problem is that these are “flare ups” not predictable difficult behavior. It goes from 0-60 at the drop of a hat.
In an active tantrum, no, generally it cannot be one adult. In an emergency it can be but it makes the whole thing take 3-4x as long. Same with keeping the kids all on one level. Having siblings around stokes the tantrum and while unfair, I think it’s better for the 8 and 15 month old to be on another level in a childproofed room vs underfoot during a very volatile situation.
Anonymous says
You need additional options. Volatile situation or 8 year old on another level with the 15 month are not the only two options. You are relying on the 8 year old as a third caregiver. That is not an option. You need to hire a third caregiver if it takes both parents to subdue the child. Someone who is not themselves a young child needs to take care of the other kidsZ If the incidents are happening 3/7 days a week then maybe you end up paying for care 7/7 days but you cannot rely on an 8 year old for childcare. The professionals you are working with should be providing strategies and resources to manage these issues.
Anon says
This is harshly worded but I agree. You’re treating your 8 year old like a third adult and while I understand why, it’s really not a good situation for anyone, especially the 8 year old.
So Anon says
It can be really tough when it feels like one kiddo is requiring a disproportionate amount of energy and time. I second what the others have said about seeking out a therapist for yourself and your partner. The therapist can help you navigate strategies to work will all of your children, and also help so that you don’t get burned out on trying to manage this situation. It sounds difficult for everyone. I am a big believer in talking about all things in an age-appropriate way. Kids fill in silence with their own interpretation and often make it about themselves. If you are not filling in the gap and providing context for what is happening, then your kids will come up with an explanation for it in their own heads.
Anonymous says
This is a good way to frame it, I think. I’m a parent of kids with…challenges we’ll say. I’m also the oldest of four, so I parented my siblings a lot, starting at the age of 7. Was it great? Not always. But I learned how to be a good manager honestly and that has served me well. In your case I think talking about it will help: maybe just even acknowledging immediately after an episode how much your 8 year old is helping you out would build some good will. I honestly think asking an 8 year old to sittervise while watching tv is 100% fine. I also think ppl suggesting you “hire help” probably don’t understand your challenge at all. Like you can call someone to come over the moment a meltdown starts. Unless you have access to someone who could live with you (and want to do that), this isn’t practical advice. Is there some sort of support group for parents of other challenging kiddos? That and reading books has given me a lot of insight. But it’s lonely and hard. You’re a good mom. Hang in there.
Anonymous says
I posted above that they need to hire help. Of course they can’t just call someone during a meltdown. They need a sitter from 5pm-8pm or whenever every evening or whatever other time the issues are happening because right now they are relying on an 8 year old to be the third adult that they need. The parents need training to handle the high needs child 1:1 so that one of them is free to parent the other kids or they need to hire a sitter.
An 8 year old can watch tv alone with a 4 year old on a semi frequent basis but an 8 year old being responsible for a 15 month old on a regular basis on another level of the house is not appropriate.
Anonymous says
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Anon says
Links?
Anonymous says
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Anon says
J Crew Factory has been my go to for clothes lately. They’re hitting it out of the park.