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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 85 Comments · by

Washable Wednesday: Exact Stretch Classic Flare Pants

Machine-Washable Work Clothes· Recent Recs

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Work Flared Pants: The Limited Exact Stretch Classic Flare PantsThese classic flare pants are machine washable and look like a great way to get in on the burgeoning flare trend. They’re available in black, navy, khaki, and gray — in regular, petite, and tall — over at Limited (online only). Ladies, what are your favorite machine washable pants? Did you need to find a new pair of “favorite pants” after your baby, either for lifestyle, laundering, or body shape reasons? Limited Exact Stretch Classic Flare Pants (L-2)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)

Kid/Family Sales

  • Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
  • Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
  • J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
  • Old Navy – 40% off everything
  • Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs

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Comments

  1. Jmds says

    Two questions. Has anyone done nap training with an 8 week old? I’m seeing the pediatrician tomorrow, but it feels to me like I will need to do some modified version of nap training to get my daughter to sleep during the day. She hates swings, and will only sleep in the car seat for more than 30 minutes during the day.

    Also, has anyone used the new contented little baby book? I’ve been relying on it since last week to get my daughter on a schedule, out of our bed, and to stop feeding every hour and a half at night. Some of her techniques are harsh though, and while I am not following them all, I wondered if anyone has any good or bad thoughts on the book. So far, it has really really helped with nighttime sleep.

    • Anonymous says

      I have not, but if you google TriBeCa Pediatrics, you will find the NYC pediatrics practice that advocates sleep training at that age. What you describe is normal but incredibly frustrating.

    • Anon says

      Have you tried babywearing? Many babies love to nap in a carrier (ergo/tula/lenny lamb/baby bjorn etc). That way you get lovely baby snuggles and can still get stuff done. I was often able to transfer baby to crib after they fell asleep in the baby carrier.

      • This. says

        Baby wearing really helped my guys. It’s hard that they don’t sleep much longer at this age, but the information I’ve seen says that 8 weeks is too early for them to self-soothe.

        • Anonymous says

          Thanks. This was really my question, can she self-soothe. Unfortunately she hates the carrier. Have tried the ergo and the baby bjorn.

          • anon says

            It takes many babies a while to learn to sleep through the transition between sleep cycles at about 45 minutes. 8 weeks is pretttttty young. What ultimately worked for us — although it took more than a month, starting at 2 months — was to put the baby in the crib for the first part of every nap. When he awoke, give him a short time to try to self-settle, then put him in the stroller or carrier for the rest of the nap (he needed 2 hour naps at that time). We gradually increased the time we let him attempt to self settle when he stirred at 40ish minutes, and, eventually, he figured it out. But not until nearly 4 months, and I think that’s very, very common. Naps are harder than nighttime sleep, for sure.

        • Anonymous says

          Mine has been self soothing (without training) since way earlier than 8 weeks. Doesn’t mean anyone else’s will or won’t, but it’s not impossible.

    • Anon says

      Eating every 1.5 hours is normal and developmentally appropriate at that age, as is napping for only 30 min at a time and only when being held/worn. Putting a newborn on a “schedule” is torturing both you and them for no reason. You have a NEWBORN. Adjust.

      • Maddie Ross says

        A bit harsh, but also a bit true. The newborn stage doesn’t last forever and they will sleep – I promise. By letting them sleep on you, in a swing, in a car seat at 8 weeks, you are not setting them up for a lifetime of it. It’s hard to spoil an 8 week old. I agree with trying babywearing, or see if someone you know has a different type of swing you can test drive (perhaps a mamaroo, which didn’t exist when I had a newborn, but looks a lot more like a car seat than our swing did).

        • Meg Murry says

          Yes, that’s true. It sucks, but it’s reality for a few more weeks. In 2-3 weeks, those times will start to space out, but right now if she’s hungry every 1.5 hours, she needs to eat every 1.5 hours – with maybe 1-2 longer gaps, especially if you are nursing.

        • mascot says

          Until he was 13 weeks old, my child would only nap in a swing. I just let him do and had daycare work on naps in the crib (new environment, new nap rules). He adjusted and soon napped great in his crib. Just do what you can to survive those early months. We did do some version of EASY and started a bedtime routine from almost the beginning-those seemed to help his sleep habits.

        • LC says

          Yup. I’m also in the thick of it (with a 9 week old). His sleep is all over the place, and he eats constantly. You just have to ride it out — it will be over soon.

      • Jmds says

        It’s so easy to be harsh to strangers on the internet right? Would you say that to a friend who was in the midst of this? Your words are incredibly hurtful. This is my second child and I am trying to do my best by her. I have been trying to follow her cues, like I did with my first, but it isn’t working for her.

        She will not sleep in the swing, in a carrier, or take a pacifier. Only nursing to sleep and laying with her works. Unfortunately I also have a 20 month old to care for. But thanks a lot for your judgment and lack of advice.

        Following the schedule has really helped her at night. I am trying to figure out hot to make her happy during the day.

          • Anonymous says

            While I realize I didn’t give the full picture in my opening post, in no way am I being abusive. If my daughter wakes at night, I feed her. However, using some of the strategies in the book I mentioned allowed me to make sure that she was getting more full and enough milk at each feeding so that she she could go longer in between. I am not withholding any milk from her. I still feed her at 7pm, 10:30, around 3, and around 5 or 6, depending on her needs (my doctor told me I no longer needed to wake her up for feedings at night).

            During the day, I believe the schedule in the book is too harsh (which is why I was questioning if anyone had used it to see what adaptions they had made). And again, if my daughter is hungry I feed her. However, she sleeps for exactly 27 minutes at a time, and wakes distraught because neither she nor I can get her back to sleep. I’m sorry I’m such a monster for wanting my child to learn how to get to sleep so that she will be happier.

        • Anon in NYC says

          Have you tried loud white noise and swaddling? My daughter didn’t love swaddling in the beginning, but we re-tried it a few weeks later and it worked wonders. Also, we have a dohm white noise machine and it is great.

        • Meg Murry says

          I wouldn’t say it as harshly as she did – but I would say it to a friend, more like this:

          “Eating every 1.5 hours, while annoying, is within the realm of normal. In a few weeks, it will get better. In the meantime, take a deep breath, just keep going through survival mode, and you can get through this.”

          As far as having a 20 month old – all babies are different, and those of us with 2nd kids that thought we knew what we were doing often find out that we got lucky to figure out what worked with our oldest the first time around.

          Can you get someone to help out with the 20 month old so you can just plant yourself in a chair and nurse the day away?

        • Anonymous says

          Hey OP – you are not borderline abusive. At all. You are a great parent. Just wanted to tell you that. Ignore the haters.

    • Anon in NYC says

      I have not. I sleep trained (for the night) at about 14.5 weeks. My daughter has always taken shorter naps (30-45 minutes on average, over 1 hour is a good nap). I found these two links helpful in figuring out what was “normal,” how many naps she should be getting in a day, and how long she should be going between naps.

      https://www.preciouslittlesleep.com/are-you-keeping-baby-awake-too-long/

      https://childsleepscience.wordpress.com/2014/02/12/common-age-by-stage-sleep-schedules/

      What helped a lot was 1) paying attention to her cues, if she gave any. Like eye rubbing or yawns. If I saw those, I put her down. and 2) if she wasn’t giving any cues, just putting her down towards the end of the window those websites indicated and leaving her alone for a little while. Say 10-20 minutes. I also sing the same song every time I put her to sleep (at night or for naps).

      I know some people who have hired sleep consultants, and they say that it really helped, if that’s a route you want to go.

    • Anon in NYC says

      I tried to respond but my answer is in moderation because of the links I included. Here it is without the links.

      I have not. I sleep trained (for the night) at about 14.5 weeks. My daughter has always taken shorter naps (30-45 minutes on average, over 1 hour is a good nap). I found these two links helpful in figuring out what was “normal,” how many naps she should be getting in a day, and how long she should be going between naps.

      [Google: “Precious little sleep” and “are you keeping baby awake too long”]

      [Google: “child sleep science” and “common age by stage sleep schedules”]

      What helped a lot was 1) paying attention to her cues, if she gave any. Like eye rubbing or yawns. If I saw those, I put her down. and 2) if she wasn’t giving any cues, just putting her down towards the end of the window those websites indicated and leaving her alone for a little while. Say 10-20 minutes. I also sing the same song every time I put her to sleep (at night or for naps).

      I know some people who have hired sleep consultants, and they say that it really helped, if that’s a route you want to go.

    • CPA Lady says

      I was about to go insane with an 8 week old having read things on the internet about how you can get them on a schedule and all that. I couldn’t, and trying made me crazy. It just didn’t work at that age.

      However, we really turned a corner around 11-12 weeks. At that point she started sleeping about 8 hours a night most nights, all of a sudden (up from 4-5 hours). I did that le pause thing in bringing up bebe. She’s never been a good napper, but having her sleep like that at night helped SO MUCH. So, I’d maybe focus on night sleep rather than naps. And realize that at this point even a few weeks can make a big difference.

    • TK says

      Weeks 3 through 11 or 12 are the worst, then they turn a corner. Try if you like, but it would be a rare baby that could be nap trained at that age … give baby a couple more weeks, it’ll get better. Sorry that “wait it out” is the consensus answer here, but its unfortunately true.

      • Anon in NYC says

        Yep. I remember asking my pediatrician at our 2 month appointment if we should try to get my daughter on a schedule and her response was along the lines of, “I’m not going to say you can’t try, but I don’t think it will work.”

    • POSITA says

      If she’ll sleep in a car seat, try a rock-n-play with swaddling and white noise. It’s magic.

      I wouldn’t deduce that she doesn’t like being worn from trying an ergo and a bjorn. You need to try something really cozy for a really little one, such as a moby wrap or k’tan. You want something where she’ll be curled up in a fetal position. Given that you have a toddler, it would be worth finding a good carrier. I got my moby second hand for $10. Maybe one of your friends has one you can borrow? The ergo will be good when she’s bigger.

      Personally, I would not use any sleep training techniques with a newborn. They’re little for such a short time. We didn’t worry about a schedule until around 5 months.

    • meme says

      OP, I don’t think wanting to sleep train a newborn is crazy or “abusive” (what????) at all. I sleep trained my 2 oldest beginning at 6 weeks (gasp!!), and they were both sleeping through the night by 8 weeks. That said, my next one was less amenable and it took longer. I used the book “Sleeping Through the Night,” by some female PhD whose name I can’t remember at the moment. I thought a few of her techniques were a bit harsh (and she frankly seemed kind of like a weirdo), but the book came highly recommended for effectiveness, I tried it, and it worked for me. The book includes suggestions for “softening” her approach if you prefer.

      • Anon says

        this makes me so sad….. Babies at that age do not have object permanence. They don’t know that you’re there unless they can see you….

        • OK says

          Anon, it’s not about you. Your sadness is really not the point. You’ve made your objections known; you’ve thrown around some terrible accusations, and you’re not advancing the conversation. Are you the same b!tchy “Anon” from downthread accusing another mom of lying about being criticized for combo-feeding? Maybe go home.

          • Anon at 4:26 says

            This is the only comment I made today. I was being honest, it makes me really sad to think about a six or eight week old baby crying themselves to sleep. I don’t think that’s good parenting and I shouldn’t hold my opinion back because you would prefer to think that most people think CIO is okay for any babies let alone newborns.

          • Anonx says

            I know that we should not judge new moms. That is the reason I didn’t comment.But it is really sad that a new born has to be on schedule and what is worse is framing it as the best thing for the baby. Also I am appalled by the hurry to get the baby out of OP’s bed. The baby is freaking eight weeks old and to leave it all by itself when she clearly needs more comforting is just painful to imagine. Also letting the baby to cry to sleep is not self soothing. Baby is just helpless to do anything else other than falling asleep.

        • meme says

          It’s not like I let my 6 week old baby scream for an hour. At that age, they fussed for a few minutes then fell asleep most of the time if they were fed, burped, diapered, and tired. The book suggests starting some techniques around 6 weeks to encourage self soothing (always put them down sleepy but awake, etc.), starting slowly (not just cold turkey CIO), and comforting them at intervals if they’re not self soothing well. This worked like a charm with my 2 oldest, who have been great sleepers since. My third wasn’t catching on, so we tried later. I reject out of hand the idea that I’m a bad parent for teaching my babies how to self soothe. It’s a skill that makes both mamas and babies happy.

    • Anonymous says

      At the hospital they brought my daughter every time she needed to eat and let me sleep at night. Even at a day old (and two!) she was sleeping 4 hours at a stretch. The first day we brought her home though she did the whole eat every two hours, sleep thirty minutes, etc. It was hellish.

      But I knew she had gone four hours at the hospital. So I started MAKING her eat — tickling her toes and ears, skin to skin contact, not bundling her up, changing her diaper in the middle of a feeding and then trying on the other side. If she ate enough she’d sleep a few hours and then wake up hungrier — it was a positive cycle that naturally built on itself.

      Now she is a month old and sleeps sometimes five hours at a stretch (at night — I wake her during the day after a couple hours). Some nights she’s up every two hours cluster feeding, but if one out of three nights is bad I can handle it.

      Sometimes I do have to put her down and let her fuss herself to sleep — often in the morning she will get THIS CLOSE to sleep but not quite be able to get there. If she can’t fall asleep in her k’tan or almost falls asleep three or four times without quite getting there, I will attempt to feed her, make sure she’s burped, change her diaper and set her in her bassinet in the other room. If she actually cries (or fusses for more than a minute or two) I go get her and run through the “comfort checklist” again. But most times she fusses for about 30 seconds (admittedly those are looooong seconds) and then falls asleep.

      I’m working on getting her to take a proper afternoon nap so she’s up in the evening and will sleep better at night right now. (She’d prefer NOT to sleep in the morning (even when she’s a crying miserable mess), sleep in the early afternoon, sleep in the evening and be up at night).

      So I think you have to positively encourage sleep (via feeding!) and be prepared to babywear/swaddle/ bounce/ whatever to get them to sleep. But don’t be scared to (take a conservative, gentle approach to) try a bit of fussing it out.

  2. JJ says

    I actually joked with my sister about this earlier today but…my new favorite non-work pants are the Lands End starfish skinny pants. I guess I just bypassed mom jeans entirely.

    • Meg Murry says

      Yup. I got a pair of Starfish (not skinny) that were accidentally tagged as being on clearance when they weren’t supposed to be – so they were something like $12, marked down from full price of something like $54. They are my go to for pants to put on when I get home from work, or to wear around the house on a Saturday morning. I try not to let myself wear them out of the house too much, but I will wear them to take my son to or from the gym.

      They are sooooo comfy, and have held up really well for the amount of times I’ve washed them. If only the tiny key pocket was big enough for my smartphone, they would be my perfect “round the house but at least I’m wearing actual pants if someone stops by” pants.

      Although mine are probably 2 years old now, maybe 3 – so I don’t know if Lands End has cut the quality on them (without cutting the price).

      • Meg Murry says

        Oh, and I highly recommend if you can get a pair on sale, Starfish pants are a great choice for “real pants if people actually see me, but comfortable enough to sleep in” for situations like spending the entire night in the hospital waiting room, or for maternity leave once your waistline stops decreasing quickly.

  3. AEK says

    Why am I pumping so little recently? I do 2 pumping sessions at work and another overnight so I have enough for day care. My output has really tanked in the past couple weeks. Down to basically one ounce per side per session—not nearly enough for the daily bottles. Have had to deplete the freezer stash.
    FWIW, my son is 11+ months and is eating solids well but still takes 12-15 oz breastmilk at daycare (if I have it!). Do I scale that back? Also I don’t think it’s a pump problem…I have different pumps at home & work.

    I was planning to cut out pumping entirely in a couple weeks after he turns 1 and we get the green light from the pediatrician to do cow’s milk. But it seems like my milk is just shutting off on me; it’s really stressful, and none of my usual resources seem to have an explanation that makes sense.

    • Babyweight says

      Sorry to hear this. No solutions to offer, but it is incredibly frustrating. My output decreased around then, too. I just pumped what I could and then made up the difference with formula for the last month.

    • Anon says

      has your period returned or could you be ovulating? My supply always tanks when I’m ovulating and rebounds a few days after.

      • AEK says

        Interesting. Period has not returned yet & I suspected I was ovulating almost 2 weeks ago…spent that Sunday feeling really nauseous and crampy. I guess I will know in a few days! I would just be relieved to have an explanation since it seemed like such a sudden drop.

        Clearly baby needs to eat & it’s NBD to send some formula, other than I hoped to be able to just skip over selecting & buying any since this other transition is happening so soon anyway.

        • Anon says

          Since it’s only going to be a small amount and baby is less than a month away from 1, can you try just introducing some cow milk now?

          • Anon too says

            +1 to this – I don’t think it’s worth introducing formula and then switching to cow’s milk in a month. I would go straight to cow’s milk now.

          • Meg Murry says

            Normally I would agree with this, but daycare might not be willing to do cow’s milk before 12 months without a doctors note. YMMV

      • Meg Murry says

        +1 to period returning, being stressed out and low on sleep or about to get a cold – my supply would take a nosedive and I would say “what is going on?” and 2 days later the flu would hit me like a ton of bricks or my period would start back up.

        You can check your membranes to see if they need replaced, make sure you are drinking enough water, etc?

        How does he nurse on the weekends? Is he barely nursing then?

        And it’s not the end of the world if you give him one bottle a day of breastmilk from what you can pump/pull out of the freezer plus the rest formula. No one gives merit badges for bf exclusively through 1 year. It’s a nice goal to have, but not worth your sanity. Once I started combo feeding, I kicked myself that I hadn’t done it sooner – it was sooooo relieving not to be the only food source.

        Have you asked daycare if he is finishing his bottles or if they are getting pitched or if he has to be encouraged to finish them? Around this time my supply starting slipping, and when I finally asked at daycare they said “oh yeah, he’s really into food and doesn’t really drink much more than an ounce or two unless we encourage him to finish the bottle”. So I cut the bottles back to 2-2.5 oz, and that was enough.

        • AEK says

          He’s nursing a lot on the weekends…that’s one reason the supply-tanking has been so confusing.

          I’ll try the smaller bottles & add formula if he still wants more. I think I have this mental block about sending bottles with less than 4/5 oz.; that has always seemed like a minimum. But of course it doesn’t account for all the calories he gets with solids. Sometimes he will take only 2 of the 3 daily bottles at day care, but once he starts one, he rarely leaves any.

    • Anonymous says

      IDK but I found that even with aggressive pumping and taking supplements / eating oatmeal it just wasn’t happening.

      I felt like I got the side eye for putting bottles in the daycare cooler that where half redbands and half not (for formula), but it just wasn’t happening (somewhere b/w 6 and 9 months). I hung in there to get what I could (8 oz/ day), but every bit is good. Not feeding formula / milk would have been worse.

      • AEK says

        What is the matter with people that they would side-eye this?! Babies need to eat, I’m told.

        • Anon says

          She probably didn’t actually get the side-eye. 90% of “mom judgment” is people perceiving it when it’s not there.

    • NewMomAnon says

      Yes, could be period. Could also be that you aren’t drinking enough water; have you tried drinking a boatload more water?

      Also, unless your kiddo has had feeding or growth issues, you don’t need a pediatrician sign-off to give cow’s milk and a couple weeks before age 1 isn’t going to make a big difference. Their gut doesn’t magically transform at their first birthday : ) I know it’s easier to say than do, but try not to worry about it.

    • EB0220 says

      YMMV, but at 11+ months I was comfortable supplementing with a little cow’s milk.

    • Wow says

      I’m in a similar boat — supply has tanked and son is 11.5 months. He also just decided a few days ago that he was done nursing and nothing I do will bring him back. In my case, I also recently started my period up again and I’m getting over an infection, so that’s perhaps why supply has gone down.

      Honestly, just pump what you can and give formula or cow’s milk to make up the difference. You can also try Go Lacta pills if you really want to boost supply.

      I really enjoyed nursing and was hoping to keep up with it longer, but baby had other plans!

      • Edna Mazur says

        No joke- that is what caused my milk to tank with kiddo number one.

  4. layered bob says

    Does formula really go bad after one month?

    I had a hard time with BF’ing at first and bought a canister of organic formula as “insurance.” We opened it and made two bottles when my baby was 2 weeks old. The canister has sat (in a cool dry place) unopened since then. Now the baby is 15 weeks old and I am going back to work soon. I’d like to continue to have formula on hand just in case. Do I have to throw out the formula we have and buy a sealed container? It just feels so wasteful if it’s not actually going to spoil so quickly.

    • Famouscait says

      I think not. We went through formula so quickly I’m not sure we had any that sat for that long, but if you’ve stored it as described I’d at least try it. If it looks and smells normal, its worth a shot.

    • Meg Murry says

      I wouldn’t keep it too much longer past the one month just in case, especially with a baby so young. Personally, I’d give it to a friend who would use it quickly and buy some of the formula sticks or premade individual bottles if you want to have something on hand for just in case use.

      I suspect the 1 month thing is just the formula companies being super over cautious, but I personally wouldn’t chance it at 3 months+ now if you don’t have to.

      We kept a box of these on hand, because you only have to open one stick at a time, so you have until the expiration date on the box. Also good for keeping in the diaper bag or at grandma’s house.
      http://www.amazon.com/Similac-Advance-Baby-Formula-Powder/dp/B00YPW7XAY

      • layered bob says

        didn’t know these sticks existed. That sounds like a good idea for what I’m looking for.

    • mascot says

      They are expensive, but those single serve powder sticks may be a good backup.

    • Anonymous says

      We keep the premixed on hand (sold in 6-pack of 8-oz servings) for emergencies.

      I’d guess that it lasts longer so long as it looks fine (some of the compounds might degrade and be less nutritious, but I’m guessing that it’s not dangerous), but I would pass to a friend who can use it before it expires rather than use it.

      FYI, if you don’t have a friend using formula, backyard chickens love it! We collect leftover formula from friends and mix it in with their feed. Gives the eggs a really nice shell, so I’m guessing it keeps the chickens nice and healthy, too.

  5. Aunt Flo? says

    I’m 14 months pp, LO self-weaned at 13 months. I stopped pumping about 3 weeks ago, and simultaneously went back on the pill (had been on the mini-pill). I have not had a pp period, and was expecting AF this week. Still no sign of her. Have been taking pregnancy tests, and they’re negative so far – so my question for the hive is whether anyone else experienced this. Planning to call my OB/GYN if I don’t see her by tomorrow to see what I should do about starting the next pack of BC (if I am pregnant, which is not outside the realm, I’d imagine it would not be good to be taking the pill…). Thanks in advance everyone!

    • EB0220 says

      Yep, I asked this on Monday, I believe. Very similar situation, except it’s been 6 weeks for me. I did not have a period when I reached the placebo week on my first pack of regular BCP, although I did feel a little crampy. Very curious to see what happens next placebo week. All pregnancy tests have been negative for me, too, but I’m still paranoid. I think it took a month and a half for me to get my period after weaning my first, but I was not on BCP that time.

    • Anonymous says

      Call your doc re: taking the pill while pregnant, but I’m told that it’s fine to take the pill before you know you’re pregnant.

    • Anon says

      When I went on the pill the first time (in my twenties) it took about a year, but I quit having regular periods. I guess every four or five months I’d have a day of spotting (that was unrelated to the where I was in the pill’s cycle). I didn’t get my period for almost a decade, until I started TTC. Your body could have just adjusted?

  6. No gifts, please? says

    My 2 year old got invited to her first birthday party. Invite says no gifts and if compelled, donate to [X] charity.

    I really feel odd about showing up empty handed, especially since this is hosted at a fancy kid party place. Do you think it’s OK to at least get the kid a fun card (like the kind that are animated/play music)? My kid loves those and it’s not a “thing.” But it is something to give/open.

    • Anon too says

      love the idea of the fun card – I don’t think this breaches the no gift request. I would have the 2 year old doodle on the inside or the envelope for extra cuteness factor.

    • TK says

      Stickers? Not big enough to be considered a “gift,” but exciting enough to be a big hit with any 2 year old.

      • Anonymous says

        done! musical card + stickers would be the best gift my 2 year old could get.

        • Anonymous says

          I agree that a card is not a gift, and would probably be ok. However, don’t feel guilty about showing up giftless when the hosts specifically ask for no gifts. That’s why they said “no gifts!”

          Since you are somewhat flaunting the request, I’d give the card directly to the parent during a down moment (perhaps at the end of the party) so the birthday kid doesn’t open it in front of everyone else and make the other parents feel bad that they also didn’t get something.

          For “no gift” parties, now that my kids are older I try to encourage them to make a homemade card, to show that often it really is the thought/effort that counts more than the physical “thing”

  7. EB0220 says

    I feel like I ask this constantly but have yet to find a good resource. Anyone have a gentle parenting book that’s worked well for three to four year olds? I’m not a fan of time outs or counting but find myself flailing and using those things (and more) with little effectiveness. My almost-four-year-old will not listen! Help!

    • Anonymous says

      1. With my four-year-old nephew, asking if he has his ears on helps him listen. (shockingly)
      2. Currently reading: How to Get Your Kids to Eat. Up next on my reading list: How to Listen so Kids Will Talk, Parenting with Love and Logic, and Elevating Child Care: a guide to respectful parenting.
      3. LOTS OF PATIENCE
      4. Suggesting we “take a break” instead of “time out” because “we are both acting angry and that’s not nice”.

      Good luck!

      • NewMomAnon says

        Filing these recs away for later….

        My kiddo is much younger, but I’ve found that when I really need her to do as I ask, it’s easiest to frame it in terms of a challenge or game. So instead of “No, you need to walk to the car,” I say, “Can you walk to the car like a monkey?” or I ask her to show her doll how to get to the car, or I ask if she can beat me to the car by skipping faster than me. The more impatient/frustrated I am, the more she tunes out because (I think) it’s just overwhelming for her.

        I’ve found that it is oddly helpful to explain to my kiddo how I am feeling, especially if my stress is coming from some other source and I’m struggling to keep my cool with her. I don’t know that it changes her behavior so much; it’s just calming for me to recognize my feelings and say them out loud. She will also sometimes give me a big hug, which makes everything better.

      • Anon in NYC says

        I’ve heard from friends that they ask their 3 year old kid if they have their “listening ears” on, and give them little stickers when they listen and do what they’re supposed to. Apparently it works.

    • Anon says

      No specific book recommendations. With our 4 year old we find the following works;

      1. telling her to take a deep breath and ‘use her words’ – we find often when she’s frustrated she can forgot to communicate verbally; we also say ‘shake out the grumpies” and demonstrate by shaking our arms and legs in a silly way – she loves getting out the grumpies that way.

      2. lots of redirection – even at this age – they need to be told not just what not to do but often need redirection to an activity that is okay to do.

      3. prevention by providing lots of positive attention so she doesn’t act out to get attention

      4. second the advice above about talking about ‘taking a break’ for both people vs time out. we also use reading books in her bedroom instead of time out – sometimes kids just need a break as well

    • Meg Murry says

      We’ve used “1-2-3 Magic” off and on with moderate success with both our kids (now ages 4 and 8). When we are consistent about it, it works.

      The thing I haven’t quite figured out is how to deal with times like bedtime and getting ready for school, where timeouts are ineffective (because they just need to go, now! not sit in time out and extend bedtime) and taking away privileges for tomorrow (like TV time) just doesn’t mean anything to a 4 year old, because tomorrow is too far away.

      When we’re consistent about it, lots of praise for doing the right thing, or phrasing like “show me how you brush your teeth like a big boy!” works. On a bad day, nothing works, and I’m just holding on for dear life until they fall asleep.

      • mascot says

        I feel like we got told that a 4 year old couldn’t understand “tomorrow” but when we tried it anyways, it worked. If he can remember some incident from 6 months ago or try to negotiate that dessert I promised 3 days ago, he can figure out that stalling at bedtime means nothing good happens the next day.
        But, we still do immediate consequences too- stalling at bedtime means you lose the story/ bath toys/ one of your 1000 stuffed animals on the bed, etc. We also try to adjust where we can and start the routine earlier if he needs more time to wind-down.
        We just recently had success with the morning routine that he can’t come downstairs until he’s dressed, teeth brushed and bed made (he’s 5 1/2). We added one thing at a time for him to handle and praised the heck out of him for doing it. It’s not perfect, but he’s slowly taking responsibility.
        One habit we are trying to break is our habit of saying “we are going to get in the car now, okay?” because it isn’t up for debate. We give polite directives instead “please get in the car” It’s a little tweak, but I think it helps.

    • CapHillAnon says

      Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen. It’s brilliant. It’s also the only parenting book that really changed things for the better in our house. We tried 1-2-3 Magic, Living with the Active Alert Child, and an endless stream of parenting books before we found it. Good luck!

    • kes says

      I’m definitely filing some of these away! We do use time-outs with our 2 y.o. for safety/aggression issues (climbing/jumping on furniture, hitting) but where she just doesn’t want to move on to the next task or is otherwise just being argumentative/obstinate, I’ve found that it really helps to tell her she can keep doing whatever she’s doing while I count to 10, then we’ll move on to the next thing. So far, so good, and not enough of a time-suck that it sabotages bedtime/morning dropoff/whatever.

      And for general grumpies, agree with the poster above- we remind her that she has words to tell us what she wants/needs, and then effusive praise when she does tell us instead of continuing to whine or cry or whatever. Her capacity to really hear us and communicate through the bad mood only came along in the last couple of months, though- but man, what a great day when it did!

      FWIW I have “how to talk so kids will listen” sitting on my dining room table and have been meaning to read it for weeks… woopsie.

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