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Anonymous says
My five year old is getting tonsils and adenoids removed tomorrow. Recovery tips and anecdotes? I am stocked up on popsicles, going to make some homemade ice cream and chicken noodle soup, and we have a schedule to keep her home for the next week (hoping she can return to school after one week).
HSAL says
Both of my five year old twins got theirs done last year (different times). Biggest advice is staying on the pain meds schedule – it’s like feeding babies, so switch off doing overnight doses. Lean in to the screens. In the week my son was home he watched Sonic 2 eleven times. My daughter got new apps for her tablet. Know that no matter how good they seem the first couple days, they’ll have a dip somewhere in the 3-6 day range where they have more pain. They warn you about bad breath but I never noticed with either of mine. No lemonade or pineapple juice. With the exception of chips and crunchy things, I basically let them eat what they wanted. Oh, and if you normally do leakproof cups, get a straw cup that’s easier to drink out of to encourage hydration, especially if it’s a fun new character cup.
OP says
Thank you! This is very helpful. RE: pain meds, I assume you alternated ibuprofen and acetaminophen?
HSAL says
Yep, and our docs also gave us a small amount of oxy for each of them. I’d say maybe 12-15 doses, we used probably 1/3 to 1/2 of them.
Anon says
We only had adenoids and ear tubes, but the bad breath was real for us. Her breath smelled like death for 2 to 3 weeks. It was right when the bad breath resolved that we really noticed the overall return to normal behavior as well. So, it was much longer than we were expecting. We also had a dip around day 2 to day 4 where she seemed to be very out of sorts and in pain. We kept up with the alternating pain meds for as long as they recommended and would sporadically give one or the other if she seemed to be in pain.
Anon says
Not to scare you but for my four year old, who is pretty tough and not whiny, she needed around the clock pain meds and felt pretty crappy for a full 12-13 days….I was not prepared for the recovery to take that long.
Anonymous says
Good luck. I’m in the same boat with my 4 year old in 2 weeks. Please come back and share how it went!
Jeans says
Hi from the middle of a snowstorm. Where are people buying jeans these days? I’d like some wide legs or flares that are office appropriate (my office doesn’t allow any distressing whatsoever), reasonably high quality, and comfortable. I keep ordering, striking out, and returning. Why is this so hard?
Anne-on says
I did this search two years ago and had the best luck at Anthropologie (I bought and returned literally $1200 worth of denim from Bloomingdales and Nordstroms). I didn’t realize it but Anthro has a huge denim selection. I wound up buying some from Pilcro but Rag and Bone was my runner up though their sizing is crazy weird.
plus one says
I have some pilcro jeans from anthro that I purchased recently (previously a diehard madewell person) and I love them!
anonn says
came here to say Pilcro too
AwayEmily says
I had surprising luck with J. Crew Factory.
Anon says
+1 to JCF. Also Talbots.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I bought a pair of Mother jeans off of Tuckernuck and they FINALLY hit the mark. I also realized I just needed a dark wash – anything with fading around the midsection does NOT flatter me.
They are slightly cropped kick flares, with some distressing on the bottom, but there are plenty of jeans by Mother that don’t have any distressing.
NYCer says
I have had good luck with Mother as well.
anon says
Ugh, I think I’m finally accepting that fading and whiskering do me zero favors. I see pictures of myself and am horrified.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I promise it’s not you – who had the idea of highlighting/differentiating THAT area of one’s body?
Mary Moo Cow says
Same! I liked one wash from J.Crew (the vintage 90’s straight leg) but not another wash in the same cut. I’ve got some Mango straight leg jeans from Nordstrom and some trouser flares from J.Crew factory on order. My sister likes her Mother jeans. My friend who’s wide leg jeans I admired said she had to go to a store and try on a bunch and that’s probably the right answer but the thought of making the time and effort to go to a store in the gloom of winter is exhausting.
Anonymous says
I’ve been buying them from Abercrombie. I’m an old who was too poor to afford A&F jeans in HS, so I find this deeply ironic.
oil in houston says
I never used to wear jeans to the office, but I’m actually rocking one today as it felt very office-appropriate, Old navy of all places…
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I’m a big fan of ON – I think they punch above their weight in quality and price, AND have a lot of trendy options. My ON stuff lasts FOREVER – I can’t remember when I’ve last purged/donated any of it – and I’m not overly precious with it.
anon says
ON jeans are legitimately good!
NLD in NYC says
Literally just bought ON High-Waisted Wow Wide-Leg Jeans. ON is my usual go to since they can fit my hips and booty. They’re a nice wide trouser cut that could work in the office.
Anon says
I love my old navy jeans!
So many ppl raves about AGOLDE that I bit the bullet and bought a pair but they look so terrible on me. I much prefer my $30 ON jeans.
OP says
Thanks! I’ve worn a lot of Old Navy ones throughout the years and agree they’re pretty reliable. I get frustrated at how thin they are, though.
anon says
Gap usually has slightly thicker ones for a slightly higher price point and they fit about the same to me. I’m a 10/12 and curvy
Spirograph says
I tried on about 20 pairs of jeans at the mall a couple weeks ago and ended up with some Wit and Wisdom wide legs from Nordstrom that I wore to the office yesterday (my office is pretty casual, though).
Anonymous says
Madewell! Big fan of the 90s straight and vintage styles there right now.
I’ve also been eyeing Khaite for a classic trouser shape.
S says
Spanx jeans ftw for work. Trust!
AwayEmily says
Has anyone done the Mom & me camping weekends through Girl Scouts? There are a couple in our local area and I was thinking of trying it out this summer with my 8yo.
Anon says
No, but I’m curious! I’m a Girl Scout leader and have not heard of this. Is it something organized by your local council or service unit?
AwayEmily says
I think through our council? We are in NYPENN Pathways council and just got a mailed catalog of all the camp options, and those weekends were in the catalog.
Mary Moo Cow says
Not with GS, but with Cub Scouts with my daughters and it was fun! I’m not a camping person, so one night in a tent was enough for me. Caveat also that we had access to a lodge with bathrooms, so I didn’t use the glorified outhouse bathrooms. The Scouts had plenty of activities scheduled for the day and offered a meal plan so we didn’t have to cook. Our pack also provided dinner (graciously cooked by parents) and we contributed some desserts and fruit for breakfast. It was my kids’ first time camping and it was a much better experience than if DH or I just had taken them to a state park.
Anonymous says
I have done troop camp a couple of times with our local Girl Scout council and it was miserable–much worse than just going car camping on your own.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Thanks all for the posts + commiseration about 3-year-olds yesterday. I implemented some of the advice and empathy just last night/this AM and it helped immensely. Now just to keep it up…
Now, another potty training question. I’m going to work with kid on this over the long weekend (fun!). On the good advice of someone here, I bought the Big Little Feelings course just to give me some structure/help me with my own anxiety. They say do day 1 naked, day 2 in pants only (no undies), and then day 3 short outings in clothes (no undies). Granted, I haven’t finished the course yet (but I will) and I know they have a section on going back to work/school after day 3. I’m also not doing a small potty they recommend – he’s sat on the toilets at home and school without issue, he just needs a bit of help until he gets used to it (similar to my older kid).
Currently, kid is in underwear at school and the teachers are working with him on getting to the potty in time (so far: 0 success at home and school, but he is showing signs of understanding the feeling). Advice – should I just do undies on day 3 (or 2…?) or follow the proposed method and just let daycare help with the underwear? Or just switch him to underwear on day 3 and make sure we go to the potty every 30 minutes and forget “outings”, since that will happen naturally?
You would think I would know better since I’ve done this before, but, nope…
Anon says
I think it’s great to have a framework to start with, but every kid is different so follow your gut as you go. I’ve trained two boys and never done naked time like “everyone” suggests; we were in underwear from the beginning, and if we went outside even on day 1 they wore pants. I waited a few days for outings but I actually put *thicker* training pant underwear on them for those because I have no interest in huge messy accidents in public, and it was also no issue. I wouldn’t force a stressful outing; daycare will be like an outing on day 4. I will say it did take us closer to a week to be solid, but my kids never confused underwear with a diaper.
(I’m about to train son #3, I hope he doesn’t make me eat my words!)
Anon says
we did pantless and undieless and i think it worked really well. we did it over thanksgiving weekend during covid. we did pantless either for 1-2 days, and then just pants no undies for like a week and then added undies. i realize you probably have to wear undies to daycare, but i’d probably just put the undies on when he goes back to school.
Anon says
We are currently potty training our almost 3 year-old boy and seem to be having success–
— We did the naked thing for one day. By the end of the first day, we started having some success, but DS also started getting really upset any time he saw an accident on the floor. We were going to do the naked thing a second day, but the morning of the second day, we had no accidents, it was cold, and DS started begging for pants.
— We started doing the commando thing, and it was the worst. Any time DS had an accident, it just dripped down his leg, so it was still all over the floor, and it didn’t seem to really phase him since it wasn’t wet/uncomfortable on his private parts.
— Moved training pants after a few hours of going commando. Started having an increase in accidents, but at least DS was telling us and was upset he was wet. We generally would prompt him to try to go and were getting maybe 2/3 in the potty. We introduced rewards/treats, but at this point DS wasn’t peeing consistently enough that he got the concept of rewards/treats. We did this over the week between Christmas and New Year’s and were seeing 1/2 to 2/3 pees in the potty for the last 3-4 days of training. (If we have another kid, I would just do this over a weekend instead of the week at home.)
— Went back to daycare in training pants– had entirely accidents the first day, similar the second day. Daycare thought this was fine and said they thought it was most important that he was communicating/upset when he had an accident. At some point this week, I had an existential crisis and wondered if we’d wasted a week of potty training with such limited success but… by Friday that week, he only had one accident at school.
— We are currently on Week 3 of potty training, Week 2 of potty training at school. Yesterday, he had no accidents at school. A small accident at home. And actually removed his diaper before bed so that he could pee in the potty (and get a treat).
So… something is working. But we definitely had very limited success with the 3-day naked thing and have had the most luck with powering through, doing lots of laundry, having fun training pants, and giving tiny cupcakes as treats.
Anon says
YMMV but I never did the naked thing. What I did do is ahead of bathtime every night, I let my boys stand up naked in the tub with the water running but the drain open, and let them pee into the drain. We did that for several weeks and it helped them identify needing to go, going, stopping, etc. Once they could reliably start/stop in the bath then we moved to the toilet and I did big incentives and put them on the potty every 45 minutes for the first day at home. M&Ms for every pee, an Oreo for a poop. Daycare was on board and with both sons, we had fewer than 5 pee accidents and 0 poop accidents once they trained. Good luck! FWIW I think BLF is kind of a scam with these courses. I don’t think they have the magical answers. We used a potty “chair” that went on top of our tall home toilets so they could sit comfortably.
Anon says
Come hang out with us on r/parentsnark! Lots of people there with no use for the BLF scamminess. They have no credentials!! And they have super shady business practices. They say they offer full money back guarantees if you aren’t satisfied with the course, but tons of people have said they’ve tried to get refunds without success.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I’m so not surprised BLF is scamm-y. I feel like most of these IG “experts” are SUS as the kids say. I just needed a dang framework and it was easier for me to listen to something – I did NOT want to read a book on potty training. Now I’ll have to read this reddit forum…
And yes to the potty insert/chair, especially when you’re training an older/bigger toddler/preschool kid.
Anonymous says
We did undies and sweatpants from the start. Buy lots extra at a second hand shop and toss what is too gross to wash. Being able to feel accidents and having to wait around to get cleaned up afterwards was huge.
First day, have them sit on the toilet every 15 mins. Second day every 20 minutes. Third day every 30 minutes. Have them sit for at least 3 minutes each time. We had 4 potty books that stayed in the bathroom and we read two at each potty break.
If you are using the big toilet, make sure there’s a good step stool to rest feet on. I also sang the Daniel Tiger potty song through 2-3 times each time. This inadvertently trained my kids to associate this song with peeing so they used to actually ask me to sing it in situations where we had limited opportunities to pee and they really wanted to go but were nervous about going (ski hill bathroom, airport bathroom, airplane bathroom etc) My oldest was 9 before she stopped asking me to sing it from the next stall.
Snow days says
Reporting from the second of two badly-timed daycare snow days. Trying to remember how lucky we are and that these are not serious problems, but ughhhh it’s been 6 weeks now of illness and assorted child care disruptions and with three little kids and a job, I am spent.
Anon says
6 weeks of illness and childcare disruptions is not a small thing! You’re entitled to be grumpy about it.
Anonymous says
Paging the mom whose 3 year old was a lot this weekend (maybe there are several of us). I didn’t get a chance to respond yesterday but I have twins who will be three in a month and this weekend was h3ll. Potty training woes, meltdowns (probably related), clingy, crying, stubborn you name it. It’s exhausting. I was happy to sit down at my laptop and get a break from them yesterday. Then I picked them up from day care they were in a great mood. We had a decent afternoon/evening together. Anyway, no advice but I hope your week goes smoothly. I’m sort of dreading the long MLK weekend, but maybe we can spend it outside.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
That was me (at least in part)! And fortunately, we live somewhere that we can be outside most of the year (except July-September unless in a pool – when most of this board CAN enjoy the outdoors) and it helps SO MUCH.
Although, this weekend I’ll be in throes of potty training…
Anon says
If you nursed, when did your milk supply completely dry up? I weaned well over a year ago and it’s still seemingly there if I check, which I don’t do often. Shouldn’t it be gone by now?
Anon says
How much are you able to express? I think it’s normal to be able to squeeze out droplets even years after breastfeeding, but if it’s a large volume you should probably see a doctor.
Anonymous says
Like if it’s a few drops I wouldn’t worry. One of my friends would have a tiny bit of letdown during exercise even 2yrs later. My MIL, who was a big caregiver for my nephew, would even have some tingling when she would cuddle him as a baby.
Anon says
I’m laying here with double pink eye and a bad cold, while still caring for my toddler, and realizing the thing I miss most about childhood is getting to be sick and rest with no responsibilities. (Tied, perhaps, with the knowledge that you can go to bed at night and just sleeeep, with no worry about someone waking you.)
That’s my woe-is-me complaint for the day.
Anon says
Yeah, having to take care of little kids while sick is one of the hardest things about parenting. You have this stranger’s permission to use unlimited screen time, although I know it isn’t a silver bullet for 1-2 year olds.
Cb says
Ugh, the worst. We had Covid last week and I felt better than my husband, and stupidly didn’t really slow down b/c I wasn’t properly sick. And I’m paying for it this week. Cancelled my in-office day and am going to properly rest tomorrow.
Anon says
i agree. i miss just dealing with myself when sick and also miss my mom taking care of me
Anon says
I’m getting a wisdom tooth out in August and my mom is coming to take care of me. #noshame
Anonymous says
School is ending two hours early because it’s raining. It’s like the SEUS has never seen weather before. That is all.
Anonymous says
Ours in the DC area is ending early too, and furthermore, aftercare wants everyone out of the school buildings by 2 (normally goes til 6:30) so the counselors can get home safely before the forecasted flooding and 50mph wind gusts. I can appreciate that but uggggggh.
Anon says
Interesting, our DC-area schools also have a 2-hour early dismissal (so my kids get out at 1:45 instead of 3:45), but aftercare is just also adjusting their schedule to be 2-hours early, so pickup is at 4 instead of 6.
Mary Moo Cow says
Hi from Central VA where schools are closing early! LOL
OP says
I am in central VA too! (Hanover County of book ban and appointed school board infamy)
Mary Moo Cow says
Hi, neighbor! I live within spitting distance of Hanover!
NYC says
I’m in North East and school/daycare is also letting out early. But, my city is very prone to flooding. Still seems a bit over precautionary.
becomingaSAHM says
Interesting thread yesterday on the SAHM with 2.5 hours free from her 2 year old yesterday. Similar idea.. i’ve always had “big jobs” since graduating college that I’ve been lucky enough to make $$$. When our older daughter was 1, I took a great part-time job working 25 hours a week at a super family friendly small firm. I WFH 3x a week and it’s the dream with intellectually stimulating work and pays really really well. However, my husband works in biglaw (on reduced hours), will be partner next year and we’ve saved and invested well to where we’re in the top 2%+ for net worth and live so within our means. I feel like I’m burning the candle on both ends in that I pick my kids up from school every day and am done with work, attend all their events, volunteer at the school, supervise field trips, make dinner every night etc like maybe 85% of what a SAHM does and also 85% of what professional full-time work entails. I have zero time to myself in that i’m working all but 1 hour that they are at school and I need to be very efficient to get everything done. Not all days are equally busy, but there is just no time to rest and it sounds glorious to be a SAHM to school age kids. It also feels incredibly selfish to quit a great gig, but I remind myself that i’ve worked my butt off since I was 11 years old to achieve everything I have (with a lot of luck as well) and if we’re financially in a position to “retire”, is it appropriate to do so in your 30’s? I feel like I will stay more than occupied with my school age kids for now, but I am worried about not having another dimension outside of being a mom. I love the SAHM things and am not willing to outsource or do less of that, so I feel like working less professionally is the only option? There’s also the added thought that work lets me be independent of my husband etc, but it’s a lot of “what ifs” that I’m continuing to stay in the work force for. I’m just not sure if I would regret it in a year having so much more time and not knowing how to fill it. Having a slower pace of life sounds so nice though.. thoughts?
Cb says
I mean,Could you take a sabbatical and try it out? If I had the financial means, I’d outsource all the boring stuff and keep the job. I’d rather work than do all the cooking/cleaning?
Anon says
this does sound exhausting! is there any way to cut back to 20 hours a week at your job? how old are your kids? what do you do on the 2 days you don’t work? i know you say you love all the volunteer stuff, but is there any way to cut back a little to give yourself some breathing room. i am probably the worst person to give advice as i am very risk averse.
OP says
I actually work every day 5 hours a day which I like for the nature of my job and always being done to get the kids from school etc. they’re 4 and 6. public school is a 7.5 hour day here so I should have an extra 2.5 hours next fall once he goes to kinder that I’m not working so maybe that will help?
Anonymous says
With this additional information I would try to stick it out until your little one starts K. I know it’s not your first choice, but consider outsourcing some things for the next 8 months until the start of the school year. 2.5 hours a day is huge! You may feel very differently when you get some of your own time back. BUT… you shouldn’t feel bad about becoming a SAHM if you want to. Your family can afford it and our purpose on this earth is not to stay busy.
Anon says
do you currently have two drop offs/pick ups? as that will also save you time. i say you wait until you have both in elementary school for a year before you make any big changes. and/or see if there is any way to switch to 4 hours a day. I also love my kids and always wanted to be a mom, but it turns out i enjoy solo parenting my twins less than i thought i would. i am sort of in your situation in that DH has a high paying job, i work part time (but in a lower paying job), but we have a nanny so i have a bit of time each day to exercise, run errands, organize things around the house, make phone calls, etc.
Anon says
I have a similar set up to you but work 3 days a week (MWF) rather than 5 hours a day. Would definitely recommend trying it that way for a little bit and seeing if that helps. I totally hear you on the perks of your way, but I really like how I feel like I’m a full time worker on work days and a full time SAHM on the other days rather than trying to be both every day.
My personal biggest concern with full time SAHM is what I’d do when the kids are older/graduated. My Mom/aunts/their friends all SAH and then either didn’t return to the workforce or did so in a very decreased capacity (such as retail work). I frankly worry about their mental health and sense of identity.
Anon says
Re: your second paragraph, can’t volunteer work fill that void? Maybe I’m being naive, but I don’t feel like having paid work is that important to mental health or identity, even if you don’t have young kids. Also a lot of people eventually get grandkids and end up very involved with them, which can be a huge help to their adult children (although it’s definitely not guaranteed).
Anon says
To me, it feels like they all intended volunteer work to do that and it didn’t pan out that way. I think they and their husbands kind of built their lives around them managing the home and they just slowly kinda dropped the commitments that conflicted with that. Now they all have dogs that get walked regularly and beautiful gardens and travel when their husbands take vacation time and see their grandkids once or twice a week.
I truly don’t mean this in a judgey way at all! I’ve thought/think a lot about becoming a SAHM and the pros and cons. And I think for me, personally, I’d have to essentially have to have a part time job level of volunteer work to find the sense of purpose and challenge I want to maintain. And therefore I should just keep my job that I like and find meaningful and challenging, even though these years are a little rough and we could afford another option.
Anonymous says
I would have no problem filling my time as a SAHM, but I would be very hesitant to give up a unicorn situation like yours that allows you to maintain your professional skills and connections while working part time and getting paid $$$. Relying on your husband’s income is risky, especially once he gets past 50. I have an older BIL who was laid off from two big legal jobs and never found another job the second time, possibly because of age discrimination and possibly because of reputational damage from being associated with the last employer even though what happened to it wasn’t his fault. He ended up starting a business that is a passion project and will likely never be profitable. His wife has a teaching job that provides them with health insurance and they’ve got plenty of investments to get by on, but their super fancy plans for late middle age and retirement have taken a big hit.
OP says
Agreed, but based on how we save and invest, im not sure my husband will be working biglaw beyond the next 5-10 years. He plans to do whatever he wants after that, but it is a good point and something to consider. It’s all the “what ifs’ that ive always worked for, but im also like what if none of those bad things happened and i just worked my butt off and was super tired for the two decades that are likely the most meaningful when im raising my kids.. maybe thats not the right way to think about it
Anon says
I’m in a similar position to you – BigLaw spouse who will likely be partner, and I work FT. I recently switched teams so my FT is like 40-50 hours max, a leadership role, but intensity is usually during business hours and I can have flexibility for any child-related appointments, etc. – I just sometimes have to logon after kid bedtime, which is fine.
Similarly we’ll be more than fine from a net worth/savings perspective if I were to not work. I also…don’t want not to work, so that’s a big thing. Also, if/when DH becomes partner, the earnings change (decrease) initially, there are tax implications, and his benefits are impacted because he’s no longer a W2 employee — he no longer would get health insurance from his firm, but fortunately we’re all on mine. Typically, this is about ~$40K a year that new partners have to just cough up to make sure they get coverage for themselves and their families, which at that income level is manageable, but is still something to think about.
I’m surprised you don’t have more help around the margins to get your more down time/relaxed pace? I know you say you like doing those things, but maybe with an extra pair of hands it’ll just lighten the load and give you more time around the margins.
For me, my desire to stay in the workforce and the “what ifs” (e.g. What if DH wakes up tomorrow and does not want to be in BigLaw?, What if DH gets sick with a long term illness [like my Dad who still worked until his mid-60s]?) are enough but that’s me – I fully believe everyone is on their journey and there’s no wrong door on the question/scenarios you posed.
TheElms says
I’m so interested in what help you have. DH is a BigLaw partner, I’m 80% in BigLaw in an unusual niche role that works out to about 35-40 hours a week when its not busy but could be 50+ hours when it is busy and we are pretty much just drowning all the time. I’ve stuck it out because I like what I do, and truly think I have close to a unicorn role in BigLaw, but its really really hard at times. Always interested to hear how others make it work …
I think if I could design my ideal life I’d keep my current job but dial back to 60% and eliminate some of the stress somehow and get a couple weeks of protected vacation where I couldn’t look at email/ work at all.
CCLA says
Not the above poster, but we are a biglaw partner/physician household that previously felt like we were drowning all the time. I’ve written about it here before but getting a combo nanny/fam assistant was life changing. We have two kids in early elementary now and our nanny is with us 8 hours a day, doing stuff around the house (dishes, laundry, light tidying, grocery shopping and meal prep, other errands) for the first few hours and then picking up the kids and shuttling them around or taking to park. She also covers sick days and school holidays and comes early when I travel. Cost is $$$ and it’s absolutely our biggest luxury but is sanity saving. Honestly some days there isn’t a full suite of needs but she finds things to do, and because DH cannot easily tap out if the kids get sick, having someone full time is worth it because of the full coverage that allows me to travel, agree to speaking engagements and things like that.
I realize we are fortunate to be able to afford this and that it’s not in the budget for everyone, but sharing in case it’s helpful for anyone else who, like me, just didn’t realize until a few years into parenting that this was a role that people hired for. We could take more fancy vacations if we didn’t have this person, or retire earlier, but I’d be more depressed and anxious every other day of the year in that case and I was tired of grinding myself to the bone. We also have a housekeeper every other week but I think that’s more typical on this board.
Anon says
I’m a SAHM, and I’m not going to unequivocally tell you to do it, because there are days when I think about what my “second act” could be and if/how I could get a good part time job down the line. But, I will affirm that the margin it gives our family is crucial, and I don’t ever regret my choice. My husband also gives me no grief about how I spend my time, the state of the house, etc…he knows that my being home and always available for the kids is what allows him to focus on his career and do an unpredictable job that he loves. (And when he’s home, everything is split 50-50.) I am also much more organized and detail-oriented than he is, so it plays to our strength to have me “managing” the kids and house and finances.
I also get what you’re saying about being “just a mom”, and that has crossed my mind, too. But I think people can be interesting and well rounded apart from professional work! I read a ton, stay up on current events, and am branching into volunteer opportunities as my schedule allows.
anon as well says
+1
Anon says
I would be a SAHM in your situation although I’d make sure you have a lot of insurance and would consider a post nup to protect yourself in the event of divorce.
My husband earns a lot less than yours, so even though we’re in a very LCOL area and my salary is only about 25% of our total income, my modest income makes a difference and pushes us into a higher lifestyle bracket where we can afford almost everything we want while still saving well. If he got a big raise (not happening) I’d definitely think seriously about quitting to stay home. I do a lot of volunteering in our schools and with kid activities, and helping other moms in the neighborhood out with childcare and I know I would enjoy doing more of this if I didn’t work.
anonamommy says
This year I shifted my schedule to a flex schedule so I have every other Friday off, and it’s given me juuuuust enough leisure time that I don’t feel like I’m drowning under the mental load. Those are the days that I can meet a SAHM mom friend for coffee, or go to a midday exercise class, or run the errands that are a pain to cram in on the weekends. On my last flex day I got a haircut and went clothes shopping at my own pace! It’s been wonderful, without a major disruption to our day-to-day life (I work an hour extra on the other days, but I was already working long hours.)
OP says
This is a great thought. Maybe ill see if i can dial back to 4 days a week only and see if that helps with the burnout. Fridays are always light anyway, should I ask for wednesday off or ask for Monday off? I wouldn’t have less work though but would take more time to get what i need to done, but i’m sure the firm would like a 20% paycut and I would like having a day to do all the life things. Not sure if this is a worthwhile trade though financially..
Anon says
given the financial position you are in and i’m not suggesting that you be under compensated for your work time, but maybe in this particular case your extra time is worth more than the money?
Anonymous says
I would take Fridays off, especially if they tend to be light. People will notice your being out on Monday much more than they will on Friday. It’s also really nice to have Friday to do all the normal weekend chores so you can enjoy the weekend with a clean house, fresh laundry, and a fully stocked fridge. I think taking Fridays off plus the extra 2.5 hours a day will make an enormous difference for you.
Anonymous says
I went to 3 days a week when my youngest was in second grade. I regret not doing it earlier. I recently when back up to 3.5 days a week because I found being off both Monday and Friday was too much. I work Monday mornings (9-1 roughly), T/W/TH and off on Fridays. My job does require some flex if I have a deal closing so I ended up working a full day this past Friday and I’ll ‘WFH’ and just keep an eye on email the next 2 Mondays.
I also don’t volunteer a ton at school or anything. You still have to draw your own boundaries. I don’t advertise that I work part time so that I don’t get tagged with volunteer obligations I don’t want.
anon says
I had the every other Friday off schedule for a year, and it was amazing. Sadly covid happened and the option went away.
More generally on the SAHM discussion – I’m not discounting or doubting that being a SAHM is difficult, adds value, etc., but I think the mental load aspect of being a working mom is just crushing in a way that exceeds that as a SAHM. Reading one of the posts yesterday listing various things SAHMs do all day, I do 90% of that? We’ve had kids in daycare since 4 months, and the 2 things we outsource are yard work and cleaning (every 3 weeks “full” cleaning; we obviously still do daily/weekly maintenance type cleaning). But managing those adds to the mental load, and we still manage the tidying part of cleaning, especially before the cleaners come. And sure I have the occasional “down time” during my work day, but I spend that time making appointments, researching specialists, chasing down medication refills, registering for activities, reading the 18million email blasts and various other forms of communication from schools and activities, carting myself and/or one or both kids around the city to various appointments (we have a lot of health issues that are not life threatening, but life-affecting and require a lot of managing), etc. I also do sporadic school volunteering and try to be there for the “big” things like field trips, field days, career day, etc. We also have no local family (all multiple states away). Not sure where I’m going with this, but it’s a lot.
Anonymous says
How old are your kids? I would say if they are all solidly in elementary school, just either cut back or shut down entirely the working part of your life. Make sure you have a prenup and a solid life insurance policy on your husband.
My husband and I are in a similar situation where we are both heavily, heavily leaning out. One of us could have a Big Job and the other could be fully retired; instead, he works a very cushy W2 job that earns 70% of our HII and I work 1-15 hours/week earning about 30%. We could live on about 85% total with no lifestyle changes at all and either one of us could work a Big Job and earn 90-120% of our current HHI. Instead, we both WFH, he does a lot of crossfit, i volunteer a lot, we have lunch out together, I ski midweek, etc. I say we are semi-retired in our 40s.
Anon says
out of curiosity, what fields are you in and where do you live?
Anonymous says
Boston suburbs.
Anon says
Good for you both – seriously. Sounds like an amazing, unicorn situation that benefits your entire household.
I also think this is not OP’s situation – sounds like her DH works BigLaw hours with partner responsibilities soon – not a scenario where they both can lean out at the moment.
Anonymous says
Scale back your job further. Look for a consulting gig, or maybe drop to 10 hours/week. That will keep your toe in and give you easily 10 hours/week of your life back.
Anonymous says
My good friend is the wife of a big law partner. She had a work-career, then it became too much. I forget exactly what she did before but now that her kids are older (7-13) she runs two nonprofits, is very involved in the elem and middle school in town, and is running for a spot on a major town committee. And has a great social life and time to exercise.
She’s one of the busiest people I know and I sort of laugh at the idea that she’s a SAHM; she’s never home! They hire out the cleaning and a lot of the cooking and her youngest still goes to aftercare some days.
Anon says
it drives me crazy how people think all SAHMs are ladies who lunch who get manicures all day. unfortunately, our society is set up to require a lot of unpaid labor, which often does fall on women, but since i don’t see that changing anytime soon, I am grateful for people like her
Boston Legal Eagle says
Stick it out until they’re in elementary school. I think you’ll find more time then. In the meantime, I’d suggest outsourcing dinner, laundry and anything else that doesn’t relate to actually being with the kids. This doesn’t have to be forever, but it can be of course. You should get a few hours back for yourself.
I really value the SAHMs who have all the time to be presidents of our PTO and do all the things for our school. So I appreciate people who choose to do that. I just get really really nervous about relying on one person for all of the income (and, often, decisionmaking power). What if something happens to your spouse? Or they decide to leave? (It’ll never happen to you, until it does)
Anon says
OP, I’m reading a book now called “Die with Zero” and your comment about exchanging the best years with your kids for more money made me think of it. It’s a bit provocative, but if you sit with the ideas they make a lot of sense.
The basic premise is that we have a finite amount of time in our life, and we have certain periods in our life that are best suited for spending money/not saving as much. (Eg, better to travel young while you have your health and mobility; better to be with your kids while they are kids, because the years for making relationships run out fast.) We are conditioned to think we need to skimp while we are younger and build that pot, but then we end up with more money than we could spend in our old age, too sick or frail to make memories we should’ve earlier in life.
He makes the point that if we are saving the money as an insurance policy, there are better ways! Buy an annuity so you never run out of money, buy long term care insurance if you’re worried about end of life needs. And if you’re saving in case of a catastrophic illness, well, your money won’t cover that either way. Better to buy appropriate insurance.
To quote him, it sounds like you and your husband may be running yourselves ragged, spending your “life energy” on making money, when you are wealthy enough that it isn’t worth the trade off.
Spirograph says
The author of that book was a guest on a podcast I listened to a while back. His premise was interesting food for thought (that I subsequently forgot about until just now)… is the book worth a read?
Anon says
I’m about halfway through now. It definitely makes interesting points, but I wouldn’t say it’s super well written or a fount of wisdom. I heard him on a podcast, too, and there isn’t a ton of extra info in the book (so far, maybe it’s coming).
That said, the written word does give me time to stop and think about the ideas, and it’s a short, quick read so I think it’s worth it. Mostly because this is a view of money that isn’t super mainstream, and I can tell that it will be valuable in reframing my thinking about saving and wealth, even if I don’t totally follow every rule.
Anonymous says
What stuck out to me is that you volunteer at the school and supervise all the field trips, etc. Can you just cut down on that for now? Your kids are very close to the age when they will be coming home from school and just hanging out and playing without needing much hands on attention from you most of the time. My friend is sort of in your boat — she left a job that wasn’t working out, and found freelance work that she’s interested in and pays well. She stops working when her kids are done with school for the day, but says that she has plenty of time in the afternoons to just hang out, make dinner at a leisurely pace, walk the dog, etc. Her kids are K and 3rd, but the K is very introverted (will lego for hours alone). I only have one (in 3rd), but she really needs about a half hour of attention from me after I pick her up, and then will go off to do her own thing until it’s time for dinner.
I’m coming at this as a divorced woman, but I would never quit and rely on my partner’s income unless I had enough of my own, protected, savings to retire. You just never know what crazy unexpected thing could happen.
Anon says
I recently became a SAHM to a 1 and 3 year old. I was in a similar situation as you: worked PT in an intellectually stimulating job, and DH has a big job. The only difference is that I made very little money as a public interest lawyer—DH outearned me more than 10x.
Before I took a pause from working I did two months of unpaid leave to make sure this was what made sense for me and our family (and this was after returning from mat leave). I never thought I would be a SAHM but I am happy with my decision for this stage in my life. I was very tired at the time from trying to do everything and my physical health suffered.
It allows me to be the mom I want to be to my kids, gives me more margin, and takes off one stressor out of my life. I do not regret it. I am still busy and do not have time for hobbies, but this is working for me.
Reasons why I think this set up works:
1) DH does not resent me staying at home and him having a crazy job. He does not think of it as “his” money I’m spending.
2) maybe I’m naive or just very optimistic, but I have no concerns about returning to the workforce. I doubt it’ll be the same high powered glamorous public interest career but *I am fine with that.* I think with your resume, you’d probably be able to find work in your field if you take a break.
3) we outsource when we need. Even though I’m SAHM I still need help. My 3 year old still goes to preschool for most of the day, I have a weekly sitter who allows me to go to doctors appts and sit in the coffee shop for an hr each week so I can write these lengthy replies ;) and sometimes we have free babysitting from my in laws.
4) I’m of the mindset that if my husband dies or divorces me, that I’ll just get a higher paying job. Again, naivety, arrogance, ignorance, optimism, and of course, privilege (I can move back with my parents in the worst case scenario). Whatever. My kids are only young once, I can only plan for so many catastrophes.
Anon at 3:44 says
My last point did not mean to come off as smug as it sounds. But basically I just didn’t think much about worst case scenarios and I was for whatever reason OK with that.
Anonymous says
I have a 6 year old daughter in kinder. It has been an eye opening transition from daycare. It feels very much like she’s almost a tween now which I was not expecting. She is embarrassed by things like a dinosaur umbrella, compares what she has to her friends, and some of her friends have school yard crushes. It all seems very innocent but also just a leap forward from daycare. Was this anyone’s experience with their kids in kinder?
Also any tips on how to stop the comparisons or at least explain differences in families. For example, she is still in a forward facing car seat because she fits in it. I told her she could get a booster when she starts first grade (assuming she outgrows the car seat about that age). She then talked to her friends about it and realized they all already have boosters and she doesn’t. She asked why she has the baby car seat. I just said all families have different rules but I’m wondering if there’s a better approach? This pop up often (sleepovers, toys they bring to school, etc).
Anon says
I think the “all families have different rules and ways of doing things” line is the best, and you will be using it for another 15 years. I also add “my job as your parent is to keep you safe, and make choices that are best for you.” Especially on the car seat point, there are so many variables that could make a booster unsafe for some kids and not others – size of kid, maturity to sit still, etc. My kids didn’t switch to boosters until first grade, either.
As a parent you have to have thick skin, but boundaries are a comfort to kids, no matter how much they push. It does make them feel safe and cared for.
Anon says
i have twins currently in kinder in two different classes and while they definitely seem older/more independent than they did before, we are fortunately not quite there yet. though one of my twins LOVES to compare with her sister, other people, etc. we often talk about how different families do different things, how when we spend money on one thing it means we have less for another thing. mine are still 5 but both still in forward facing car seats and that will not change anytime soon. we tried a booster on a trip and they were not ready. maybe my twins just aren’t as popular as your daughter, but we haven’t had many playdates so they don’t seem to know that much about what other kids have.
Anonymous says
This is a point I forgot to mention, she is in aftercare for the majority of the day. Kinder is only 3.5 hours so 5+ hours are aftercare. So it’s almost a full day play date! It honestly seems like a blast but it means she spends a ton of time with her various friends. So it seems I am navigating
a little more complexity in friendship dynamics and independence as a result.
Anon says
Mine is not embarrassed by “baby” stuff yet, but the boy drama is starting.It’s all very innocent but she has a “future husband” and there was another boy she used to betrothed to who got ditched, lol.
Anonymous says
I think you just keep saying that all families have different rules and then let her be disappointed. Learning to cope with not getting everything you want or everything other people have is an important part of growing up.
Anon says
Yup.
avocado says
If it makes you feel any better, my teenager complained bitterly throughout elementary school that we wouldn’t take her to Great Wolf Lodge for the weekend like everyone else’s parents supposedly did. Recently we drove past an indoor water park and she said “Ew, gross, I’m so glad we never went to one of those.” There’s a reason parents get to make all the decisions when they’re 6.
Anonymous says
Yes, but also no. I have 3 girls. When my oldest went to K, she’d been friends with a girl who had a much bigger sister for several years, so she had absorbed that “big kid” attitude before kindergarten.
My other two girls were (are) younger siblings, so they absorbed behavior from their big sister and her friends.
Different families have different rules works well. We’ve had that convo many times (no, 10 year old, you are not getting floor seats to Olivia Rodrigo. I don’t care that your friend got them because her big sister got to go to taylor swift and she didn’t). It happens re: tooth fairy (ours gives $1, not $5 or $20. Must be a different district), elf on the shelf (we don’t have one, guess that’s because santa doesn’t need to keep an eye on you!), involvement in club sports (if you really want to get up at 5:30am to drive 3 hours to play a sport you are not very good at, you just let me know.)
FWIW my kids all transitioned to a booster by K but they are on the taller side and it made my life much easier. You do you.
Anonymous says
Also, on “crushes” that’s just a silly thing kids say without knowing what it means. My oldest made some comment when she was in 3rd grade like “well, some of my friends have crushes but I’m pretty sure they don’t mean it; we are way to young to care about boys. Third grade boys are gross.” Truth, girl, truth.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My 2nd grader has two friends who are competing over a girl and one of these boys has been in an “on again off again” relationship with this girl. I’m like…. what?! This young? My kid is not there yet, at all.
Anon says
My third grader is getting called “gay” by girls in his class because he always wants to partner up with his best, guy friend in class. Oy. (I was expecting the boys to be tough, but the girls in my sons’ grade are something else…)
Anonymous says
There’s basically no difference between a car seat and a highback booster that’s a harnessed booster. My kids liked the Graco Tranzitions because it looks like a booster but I liked it because they could still be harnessed through end of grade 1 (fall babies so 6.5 at end of grade 1). They could click themselves in and out.
Different families are different is something that you will say a lot over the elementary years. Like explaining why our elf doesn’t bring new apps for their ipads when the one next door does.
Anonymous says
I agree with the “different families are different” but I also talk a lot with my kid about how we don’t really know WHY people make the decisions they do — they may have perfectly good reasons that make sense for their situation and don’t make sense in ours. We shouldn’t assume that they are dealing with the same set of variables as we are and coming to a different conclusion. This comes in handy a lot now that we are in later elementary school and some kids are getting phones (!!!).
Anonymous says
This is a wonderful explanation I’m going to keep this in my back pocket for sure. Thank you!
Mrs. Rose Nash says
I read (listened to) How to Keep House While Drowning and am convinced I need to stop with the cleaning service and get a housekeeper/house manager combo who will clean, do laundry (kids, sheets, towels), and run errands if needed. (Two big jobs, kids 1 & 3.) I think we can swing 6 hrs a week at $25/hour. For those of you have found someone like this, how did you find your person? I can ask one of our babysitters if this is something she’d be interested in, but am looking for other ideas.
Anonymous says
I don’t see how 6 hours a week would be anywhere near enough to clean the entire house and wash/fold all the laundry. Where we live $150/week would just cover a weekly cleaning from a cleaning service that would be done with mediocre quality by several people working together for an hour or so.
Anon says
Yeah our cleaning service spends ~3 hours and there are two of them, so it would be a 6 hour job for one person. And we pay $250.
Anonymous says
Agreed. I’m in a MCOL area, and we pay $170 every 2 weeks for our cleaning people, and it’s about 4–5 hours total. No way you’re getting cleaning, laundry, and errands done in 6 hours or for $150.
Anon says
Our house cleaners also do sheets. They change the beds as soon as they arrive and then throw sheets in the wash. They swap them to the dryer before they leave. I fold and put away the next time I do laundry. This might be a quick improvement if your cleaners will agree.
We swapped to an au pair plus part time preschool just before our youngest turned two. On addition to child care, the au pair is in charge of kid laundry and helping pick up kid detritus. It helps a ton.
Anonymous says
Depends on how big your house is I think. My cleaning lady is a unicorn treasure – DC metro area, we pay $140/cleaning and there’s 3 of them and they move my furniture and clean pretty deeply every time. I love her. It takes them about 2hrs but my house is not big! I think maybe you need a house manager for laundry/errands/meal prep plus cleaning service.
Anon says
It depends on how big your house is and how much laundry you generate. I would not assume that at 6 hours a week, someone would have time to do all that and run errands too. We have a 12 hour/week housekeeper who also does laundry; she would not have time to do errands for us. She doesn’t even clean the entire house every week (but our house is 11,000 square feet, including a currently unused garage apartment that only needs cleaning about once a month).
I’m not sure where you live, but we are in an MCOL city and we pay $27/hour, so $25/hour may also be low depending on location.
Anonymous says
You need this and this is how all the parents with two big jobs do it in my area. Keep the biweekly cleaning service for the heavy lifting cleaning like scrubbing toilets. Have someone come 4-7 or 3-6 or whatever on 3-4 days each week. Like MWF or whatever works best. They do a couple loads of laundry, start supper, maybe entertain the kids when they get home from daycare while you change out of your work clothes and breathe for 2 mins.
Mostly commonly found via job postings at colleges incl. community colleges with programs like childcare worker or psychology etc. College students like these hours because it doesn’t interfere with daytime classes or evening classes mostly.
Anonymous says
That’s not a 6 hour a week $25 an hour role! I mean, for a house that’s $125?! Barely enough to pay to have it cleaned weekly.
Anon says
Agreed 6 hours is not enough time. I tried housekeeper and it was just too expensive. She charged $35-40 per hour. You’d need them to come multiple days to do all your laundry, unless you have multiple washer/dryers or only 2 loads per week. I went back to weekly cleaning ($150/week for 2 BR apt) and just suck it up and do the laundry myself.
Anon says
My Big Boss always shares his kid’s Girl Scout cookie link to the whole department listserve and it annoys me. I don’t love adults selling at work in general, but when it’s some random individual contributor no one feels any pressure to buy anything. But everyone he’s emailing ultimately reports to this guy and it seems like it’s not fair to ask your subordinates to buy things from you!
Anyway this year I finally have a kid in Girl Scouts myself and am debating whether or not it’s too petty to share my kid’s link after he drops his. I know it’s hypocritical because like I said I’m not a fan of adults doing the selling, especially at work, but I know there are several people in the department with kids in Girl Scouts and I’m so tired of the big boss hogging all the cookie money. He already really dislikes me for unrelated reasons, so I’m not worried about p!ssing him off.
Anonymous says
Drop it first! It looks a little pettier if you get there second.
Anon says
If you send out your daughter’s cookie link then not only will you p!ss off Big Boss but also your coworkers who have kids in Girl Scouts.
Anonymous says
I would not do it and I would not buy his cookies.
Anonymous says
Do you have a physical office? Stick the order form in there. Before I had kids and worked in an office I bought like 10 boxes that way :).