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Fallen says
We are going to Disney with an almost 6 and 11 year old and debating whether to stay at Disney or outside of it and if at Disney what resort. We don’t really care about deluxe (we usually are out 8 am – 10 pm on vacations and kids are good sleepers so will pass out the moment we come home) other than decent accommodations and good food but care about maximizing time/activities at park/minimizing lines. Looking for recommendation from those who have been!
Anon says
we loved the cabins at fort wilderness. They were less expensive than any of the luxury lodging options, had direct access to all the resorts via bus or boat, and adults could sit on the porch and drink wine after bedtime. The rooms also had little kitchens that we could use in a pinch (and we packed sandwiches — still ate all our meals at restaurants but had backpacks of snacks for long waits, etc.), and little living rooms – kids slept in a bunk bed in the bedroom next to our bed.
Mary Moo Cow says
We stayed at Pop Century last January with a 5 and 7 year old and it was meh. The only food option was the food court in the lobby or the food court at the nearby Art of Animation and the food was standard buffet fare (waffles, eggs, oatmeal, etc. in the morning) and pizza, fried chicken, etc. for dinner. They did have fresh fruit and some packaged snacks you could buy a la carte, so we bought some fruit to take with us into the park. The room was small but well designed with a pulldown full size bed that converted to a table when not in use and an in-room fridge. The kids loved the arcade and the playground on site. The convenience of not having to drive or Uber was a plus, but you still had to wait for a bus and ride a crowded bus for 15 minutes into the park. We didn’t take advantage of early entry or staying late (we were there by 8:30/9 am and with the exception of fireworks one night, left at 8) but that would a plus to staying on site. I had planned to be at the park all day, but DH and the kids got more tired/overstimulated than I expected and needed an afternoon hotel break or nap, so staying onsite worked well for that. I would also consider how long you are going to be there and what parks you are going to do. We went for 4 days (flight was delayed so badly that we didn’t make the 1st day at all) and planned on doing only 2 parks. I think going for a shorter time would push me towards staying on site whereas staying for a week would push me toward staying offsite and building in some Disney Springs or pool downtime.
Anonymous says
I’m a Disney hotel person. I think it extends the magic. Carribean Beach is a great moderate option for a family.
govtattymom says
Nice! You will have such a good time! If you care strongly about convenience, I would recommend one of the hotels close to Magic Kingdom (Grand Floridian, Polynesian, or the Contemporary). These hotels are all deluxe and expensive though. Another option for convenience is to select a resort on the Skyliner such as Caribbean Beach or Art of Animation. I personally don’t mind the buses; my favorite resorts are Coronado Springs, Port Orleans, and Animal Kingdom Lodge. Animal Kingdom Lodge is nice if you want to have quality restaurants at your resort. Enjoy your trip!
Anon says
If budget isn’t a concern/you can swing it, + 1 million. Stay on monorail / near MK.
We stayed at Animal Kingdom Lodge with our one 4 then-four year old a year ago February and I deeply regretted not being on the monorail. I know there are plenty of people who prioritize different things / this is not a big deal for, but it was absolutely something I deeply wished we had done. A full day in any park and then waiting for busses back with the rest of the free world at Disney after fireworks/late night or whatever was a LOT, for the grown ups too. Uber/Lyft was no simple solution because they were in such high demand. The extra pain was that our hotel was apparently the furthest from the other parks so that made it extra annoying, but it was really the extensive bus lines that killed us when leaving at peak times.
Anonymous says
I would be hesitant to rely on the monorail or the Skyliner because they can break down or have delays, and the monorail is gross nowadays. I have always been happiest just driving to the parks. You can probably stay at a non-Disney hotel, rent a car, and park for the same price as a Disney hotel.
JTM says
We took our 6 & 3 year olds last April & stayed at Coronado Springs – we really liked it and highly recommend! We drove down, and once we arrived, we didn’t touch our car again until it was time to leave. The Disney shuttles were so convenient & made it really easy to get around once we were on property. If you go the Coronado Springs route I’d opt to stay in the Tower – we were in the Casitas which had decent rooms but the exterior was a bit dated.
Anonymous says
This will really depend on your vacation style, how often you will or plan to go to Disney, how much your kids care about Disney, etc.
My family stays outside Disney. We stay in the Bonnet Creek resort which is really pretty inside the Disney space but not officially on site (eg. no transportation). We go to Orlando for a week, stay at Bonnet Creek, spend ~3 days in the parks but also enjoy downtime playing in all the waterslides etc on the hotel property. We hit legoland last time too which was fun- lots of rides and no lines.
We value space, so choose to stay off property in a 3 bedroom vs on property in one hotel room and the cost is the same. You can also see the Epcot fireworks from many of the rooms there. That said, we spend more time in our room. My kids aren’t big restaurant eaters. We also aren’t a “get up at 6am and get to the park at 7am, wait in line til 8am to rope drop and run to the top rides” family.
If I were going with only my 10 year old and wanted to do ALL THE RIDES I’d stay on site, on the monorail in a small hotel room. We’d be out dawn til dusk. But with my other kids and husband along that’s just not how our family rolls.
Anonymous says
Some considerations – if you are go go go people, staying onsite gives you 30 minutes early access to parks every day. Deluxe resorts then have specific days in which only those guests get extra hours, it depends on the day but for example Magic Kingdom 9-11pm on Wednesdays for Deluxe guests only. I don’t think this exactly covers the extra costs of deluxe resorts though for my family but could be worth it to you. With the current genie+ system, those onsite get to book their first genie+ at 7am while those offsite can’t book until later (I think until park opens?). Those who book onsite can make dining reservations at 60 days from day one of their trip for their entire trip, offsite can only book 60 days out for every specific day of their trip. That said, I’d consider staying offsite next time with my family and just driving, I preferred that with my husband but we have tiny kids right now.
FVNC says
On theme for travel…we are considering a trip to London for spring break (end of March; we know weather will not be ideal). In terms of where to stay, any neighborhoods or particular hotels we should focus on? Kids will be 10 and 7. Thank you!
anon says
Not London related, but my kids’ spring break is also the week before Easter so we travel to Europe a lot in late March/early April and as long as you’re prepared for it to be rainy or overcast sometime, it’s still lots of fun!
Anon says
Our spring break is even earlier (second week of March), and we also enjoy going to Europe at that time, although we focus on places where it’s likely to be reasonably sunny and warmer than home (Chicago area, so this is not hard).
Anon says
We stayed at the Athenaeum off Piccadilly last year; you can get a suite that’s like it’s own little apartment (with it’s own exit to the street, etc.), great for families and super central location. Great concierge that can help wiht bookings etc. Not the cheapest but not the priciest in that neighborhood either, I’d recommend highly.
Anon says
Please help me finesse inlaw relations, because my usual blunt honesty won’t work here. My SIL wants to visit for a weekend or a week, with her family of 3, but she can’t drive, so either FIL or BIL will also need to come along. We have one guest room and a lot of other rooms.
My mom lives with us part-time to help out with childcare and house renovations. Her current visit may or may not overlap with SIL, but she would prefer they not be in her room either way. I am sympathetic to her because frankly, they leave an absolutely disgusting level of mess. She also often has DIY in progress, like wet paint or expensive saws out in her room.
So a couple of questions: how uncommon is it to tell a guest they can’t come or need to kip on the couch when there is a vacant bed? What is the most effective/social what to explain it to the guests? I will be straightforward with DH but his family does not like straightforward.
Anonymous says
“You’re welcome to visit! The guest room is occupied by my mom and her projects but you can stay in [describe spaces here].”
“Oh my mom may not be here then, but she’s fully moved in at the moment to help us with childcare and house stuff so her room is hers, not a guest room.”
Anonymous says
This. You don’t have a guest room. That’s your mom’s room.
Op says
We actually have a full guest room as well, which is why I think we are offering plenty of hospitality.
anon says
Yea, you offer the guest room and overflow needs to stay at a hotel or an AirBnB, and do not make your mom’s room available. Start calling it your mom’s room and not a “guest room” to avoid confusion w/ IL’s too.
Anonymous says
So the issue is your mom may not physically be there? Does her door lock? Can you just lock it and make it a non-issue? “You guys are welcome to visit but our guest room isn’t available. We have X, Y and Z spaces available, will that work for you?”
Another idea- can some of your family move into your moms room? Eg. you and DH or a kid. Then the guests can have your space(s). That is…if you are looking for ways to be extra hospitable.
Op says
Thanks guys. Sorry for the threading fail.
NYCer says
The Apartments by the Sloane Club are a good option if you prefer more space than a hotel room. They are serviced apartments (i.e., some hotel services) located in Chelsea.
Anonymous says
As long as you’re relatively central and near a tube stop you should be good in terms of location. It’s basically never worth it to take a cab in London, so plan accordingly. The traffic is just too terrible. We stay with family when we go, but I think there are a lot of hotels and Airbnbs catering to Americans in South Kensington these days.
Will you be there on a Sunday? Make sure you book at Sunday Roast at a good pub!
Random additional note: There are a lot of adventure playgrounds in London designed as almost ropes courses for older kids. Some of them require a reservation, because they’re staffed. The one I’d recommend is the Battersea Park Playground, because there are parts you can do without a reservation and there’s good pizza onsite (assuming everything in March is like when we were there in July).
FVNC says
Thanks for these good ideas!
Embarrassed says
Favorite word to substitute for the f-word? DH and I need to clean up language in front of the kids. My 3year old overheard one of us use the f-word and has starting using it when he is frustrated. It is…not good.
Anon says
Maybe these are too tame for you (I have a lower baseline for cursing, lol) but I use “darn” or “dang it” or “shoot.”
If you’re feeling like you really need to break the habit in a jarring way, you could come up with something ridiculous like “oh turkey feathers” or “bananphone.” (I know, those sound so lame typing out, but “they say” it helps some people!)
test run says
“shoot” is one of my favorite non-curse words to use in tense moments because it just sounds really wholesome/silly and always makes me laugh.
Anon says
Fudge is a classic for a reason because it’s easy to switch words in the middle.
Mary Moo Cow says
I like “great coogly moogly” like the guy from the Snickers commercial.
Side note, my 9 year old nephew said the f word to my 6 year old recently and she immediately came and whispered it to me. She didn’t know what the word was, but she knew it was bad. :)
Anonymous says
Our entire family has switched to “oh biscuits.” Including my husbands, who used it on a work call. Also including my 10 year old who used it when she missed a basket at basketball last week.
Thanks, Bluey!
Anonymous says
+1 !
anonM says
We have this issue too. No great suggestion, but “What the???” is NOT a good substitute. LO’s teacher doesn’t like that at all, even if there is no word at the end. So do as I say not as I did.
Anonymous says
My 5yo says “What the heck?!?!” all the time and I have no idea where he picked it up! School I guess? My language is by no means perfect but that phrase in particular is not one I really use, and now I can’t dislodge it from his brain!
Clementine says
Fluff, fluffernutter, flippin’floppin’fleepers. Other favorite curses include shenanniagans, pain in the patootie, and if I’m really feeling harsh – butt cheek.
Anonymous says
Fizzlewizzle, biscuits, son of a bees nest. Have fun with it! My DH works in construction and is in the military reserves so we’re always working on this haha.
OP says
Definitely need to adopt something funny! I’ve been trying to not make a big deal when he says it, but I need to reprogram him before other people understand what he’s saying.
Anonymous says
Oh crumbs
Anonymous says
I use “arrrgh” a lot.
I actually have a good answer to this question says
Shiitake mushrooms!!
Anonymous says
Puzzle recommendation! We got a Cobble Hill Family Puzzle for Christmas and it is really neat- one puzzle with three different sizes of pieces so adults and kids could work on it together. Nice way to spend a rainy Saturday, and my kids said a couple times how much they liked it.
Anon says
We were given one of these a few months ago and while I loved the concept, the quality was so bad all of us (kids and adults) got frustrated trying to put it together. For family puzzling, we prefer to go for 500-piece high-quality puzzles (Ravensburger is the gold standard, but Bgraamiens and Buffalo aren’t bad) that have distinctly colored sections so the kids can work on some of the easier parts.
Anonymous says
Has anyone potty trained twins? I need some help. They will be 3 in a month. Both boys. They’re mostly pee trained but will NOT poop in anything but a diaper. So they poop before they go to day care and when they get home. I’ve tried putting them on the potty after breakfast and after day care. Usually one poops in his diaper while I’ve got the other on the potty. Then I put a diaper on potty boy and he poops in it while I’m cleaning his brother. It’s kind of a circus.
Anonymous says
Two potties. No diapers.
Anon says
i have twins. we got lucky and didn’t have this problem. we had a little potty next to the big potty so if they had to go at the same time they could. we intended to have two little potties but they didnt seem to care so much about the little vs. big potty so we got away with one. i’ve also seen the method where they poop sitting on the potty wearing a diaper, and then you cut holes in it or something like that?
Anon says
No help, only commiseration. I also have twins, including a very reluctant potty trained boy. He is 4.5, and still regularly goes in his overnight pullup. He was petrified to sit on the potty, so we just wait until he was ready.
Anon says
Not twin related, but my kid refused to poop in the potty for at least 3-6 months after she was fully pee trained (including at night). She would would ask for a pull up to poop in when she got home from daycare. She was wearing underwear to during the day and at night with no accidents. Would not poop without the pull up, which she would request at home. Because it was clear that she could control it, I didn’t immediately stop it. I’ve heard too many horror stories of withholding and constipation to refuse the pull up (holding poop for days until they get so constipated that they need enemas, daily miralax, suppositories, etc.). We would talk about using the toilet multiple times a day, every day. Eventually, we said that we were down to the last pack of pull ups, and there weren’t any more to buy. Every time she used on we would remind her of this and count down until the last pull up. I think we told her that we couldn’t buy more because the little babies/toddlers needed them. We used the last pull up, and that was it. She was ready by that point. She got a very large, much requested toy for the first successful toilet poop. All that to say, this won’t last forever, they obviously have enough control of their bodies to hold it (which is great because you know that they can control it!), and the consequences of refusing to allow them to use the diaper/pull up can be significant.
NYCer says
Same experience with my younger daughter, and we handled it the same way.
Anon says
My 2-year old starts her twos program tomorrow! She’ll go three days a week, for 2.5 hours. I’ve been a SAHM with her for about 1.5 years and now I’ll have this extra time…and I don’t know what to do with myself. Background is that there is some underlying tension with my husband around this because he’s pretty jealous I’ll have this time. I get it – his job enables us to live very comfortably on his income but the job is of course pretty stressful. So I have this time coming up, but it feels….complicated. I’m thinking I’ll use the time to work out, handle the bathroom remodel we desparetly need, and spend some time extra time cleaning but that all sounds…boring lol. What would you do?
Mary Moo Cow says
With the caveat that I am not a SAHM but have had maternity leaves and get lots of PTO that DH doesn’t get, I would aim for balance. Some days that 2.5 hours is going to fly by and nothing is going to get done, some days you deserve to take yourself guilt free shopping or savoring a cafe trip, and some days you need to handle the bathroom remodel. Would it smooth feathers if you could convince your husband to join you for a coffee run sometimes or garden when your daughter is at school? My own husband can be jealous that I get the time, but what that really means is he is jealous I am not using this free time and headspace to pay attention to him because I usually put the kids first. When I give him a half hour a few times a week, we’re both happier and there’s less friction.
Anon says
this is not really that much time, unless you live literally two seconds from the school. i also encourage you and your husband to figure out this underlying tension because this doesn’t sound like a good dynamic going forward as her time in school increases.
HSAL says
Yeah, this is my concern. I worked full-time until my twins were one, part-time from 1-3 (still with full-time daycare), and I quit entirely when they turned 3. They were in part-time preschool 3-5 and went to K this fall and he was never anything but supportive about the time I had to myself.
Anonymous says
Congratulations on making it to this point! I was a sahm of twins for their first two years and your routine is basically what I did when they started preschool but before I secured another job. I dropped them off then would tidy the kitchen, work out, do laundry, maybe watch a murder mystery at lunch. Could you listen to a podcast while you work out? Or try to incorporate something that’s just for you into your daily routine: reading a good book, bake, paint, take up knitting, go for a run. Whatever recharges you. You might remind your husband you’re doing all the work of a household manager AND you’re caring for his children. We had a lot of jealousy when the other had free time and what helped was each of us getting a weekend away. I don’t know if that’s possible for you but just wanted to suggest it.
Anonymous says
Omg he’s being salty about you not being constantly providing childcare all day every day?! What’s complicated is your relationship with him not the free time.
Anon says
My suggestions are probably going to be boring, too, but I’m also a SAHM with a 2yo and I’m picturing what I’d love to do without him! One day a week I’d probably do errands…since I’m in the car driving anyway, it’d be great to go to Costco, or to stack all the small errands that are annoying with in/out of car seat (dropping a return, popping to post office, grabbing one thing I need at Target, etc). Build in a stop for nice coffee somewhere to make it feel less dull.
I’d also schedule all my medical appts that I’ve been neglecting for lack of childcare.
And one day I’d probably split half cleaning/chores, and half relaxing with something hot and a book. Or I might go really wild and spend it all having “fun”, taking a walk with an podcast and chilling.
I’ve been a SAHM for 8.5 years, and I hope you can brush off any guilt from
your husband because this job is HARD and there is little downtime. I understand the optics, and I do have empathy for your husband because I wouldn’t go back to 50 hour weeks in the office for anything, but you are doing nothing wrong. And chances are your husband wouldn’t want to trade places and be a full time caregiver! Perhaps you can be more intentional about him having a couple hour block of time alone to recharge on the weekends?
(I’m pregnant with #4 now with no plans for full time work anytime time…when all these kids are in school I’m going to spend some time enjoying it! And then all the rest of the time doing a million home and family tasks because as you know, it never ends.)
Anon says
I’d work out, run errands, read, watch TV, spend time on my freelance side gig, and hang out with other SAHMs
Spirograph says
This. If I had a couple hours in the middle of the day, I’d do the stuff that I try to squeeze into evenings and weekends. Grocery shopping, meal prep, errands, exercise, play the piano, misc things around the house, social breaks, read.
Two hours, three days per week is probably less downtime than your husband has in a full work week (if he commutes, that counts as me-time as far as I’m concerned. It’s certainly more relaxing than taking care of a toddler!)… I’m frustrated on your behalf that your husband is begrudging you this time!
anon says
I would use it to do a quick workout and then spend the time doing housework. I understand your husband’s frustration and I too would be a bit resentful. You’re getting 2.5 hours in the middle of your workday to do nothing. I’d definitely use it to make sure everything is totally good on the home front. I have always wondered what SAHMs do when their kids are at school or daycare, to be perfectly honest.
Anonymous says
Tell me you hate women without telling me
Anon says
Seriously.
Anon says
They clean (many of us don’t have cleaning services, for money reasons).
They volunteer at the schools (without lots of hours from parents many school programs would never happen – book fairs, teacher appreciation, class parties, assemblies, etc)
They are available for the myriad school days off, sick days, and calls from the nurse to pick up their kids early. As well as the entire summer with kids home! (And many of us can’t afford lots of camps either, so those kids are HOME.)
They shop and handle virtually all household management tasks (paying bills, coordinating appts and services, errands to stock up on things the family needs, etc.)
They meal plan and cook a lot because — do you sense a theme? — there’s not much money for restaurants and take out! (Yes, I know this board skews wealthy but most American families aren’t. And my family gets take out literally four times a year because of finances.)
Then they are with their kids from 3pm to bedtime, doing childcare.
I know working mothers do a lot of these same things, and have a heck of a hard job juggling everything, but not all. (There’s been lots of posts about hiring household assistants, plus cleaning services, Nannies who do kids’ laundry and toy tidying, etc.)
anon says
She said her husband’s salary allows them to live very comfortably so pretty sure finances aren’t an issue. What if the script was flipped here? And her husband was taking off 2.5 hours in the middle of his workday? Would all your responses still be the same? OP’s job is to be a stay at home mom, and she’s getting hours off 3 times a week from that job. I have 3 under 3 so I totally know that childcare is difficult. But that’s her day job!
Anon says
But her work day isn’t a traditional 9-5 office job. SAHMs typically shoulder a much greater load of the household cleaning, cooking and management, which often spills into evenings and weekends, so no I don’t think it’s a big deal for her to have a couple hours “off” mid-day if she’s going to be working until kids go to bed in the late evening. I would similarly have no problem with a SAHD dad having time off while a kid was in preschool. And even if they’re super rich and have lots of household help, I don’t think it’s terrible for her to have a bit of time for herself. Plenty of office workers aren’t working hard every minute of the day. And preschool has value for kids, they’re not paying for it just so she can get a break.
Anonymous says
Girl are you ok? You seem really bitter. She’s not getting 2.5 hours off from a job three times a week. She’s managing her family. Do you think she gets sick time? Gets to clock out at 5?
Her husband should be thrilled she’s getting more support.
Anon says
I’m 10:39, and true maybe they have all those things. (I myself would say we are comfortable – we have everything we need, many things we want, but in order to meet our savings goals we have to forgo extras like cleaning services and eating out, so I wouldn’t say that’s mutually exclusive… but also if she’s paying for a 2s program, maybe they do have more. I keep all my kids home until public preK at age 4 because I’m not spending $8K a year for toddler “school”).
But I also don’t think having 2 hours “off” three times a week, factoring in driving time, is “not doing her job”. People in offices have commutes without their kids, and can take lunches, and I’m sure have some downtime built into the day. And as I suggested upthread, I make sure my husband has some time “off” on the weekends because it’s important.
Life and marriage aren’t tit for tat. It’s better to figure out how to meet everyone’s need for rest than to bean count how busy each person is during an individual day.
anon says
Anon at 10:59 makes a similar point to what I was contemplating – I’m not necessarily speaking directly to OP, just thinking about SAH parents in general, but I think there’s a difference depending on whether and/or how they share the load in the evenings and on weekends. If the breadwinner spouse comes home and jumps in doing a fair share of childcare, chores, etc. on his/her “off” hours, then it’s a different story than a SAH parent who’s doing 100% of child and house maintenance type tasks. Does that make sense?
Anon says
Jobs are rarely perfectly equal though. Teachers get summers off. Some nurses and doctors do shiftwork and work longer days but then have more than two days off in a row. Presumably they made the decision for her to stay home jointly (if they didn’t, that’s a separate issue!) and he needs to get past the fact that she has a different schedule than him.
Anon says
2.5 hours a day 3 days a week really isn’t that much time – barely enough time to get grocery shopping and routine household management stuff done, in my experience.
Once kids are in K-12 school, it’s a much more substantial block of time “off” from childcare, and many SAHMs do substantial volunteering or get a part-time job at that point, if they don’t have younger kids at home.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
YAY! What a fun shift for your family with your daughter starting her program.
Caveat that I don’t have experience with this schedule, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Your daughter will be gone ~7.5 hours a week, and you’re presumably doing all the drop-off/pick-up, and any coordination for the program (bringing diapers/pull-ups, packing any lunch/snacks, etc.) – that doesn’t sound to me like you now have loads of free-time, so – kindly – I hope your DH realizes that you will still be pretty occupied.
In terms of something “fun” – Maybe use one of those days for “you” time – like the gym + coffee at a nice place, or whatever recharges you.
anonM says
One thing I am envious of with the very part-time or SAHMs I know is that you do have this little cushion. Are your parents or your in-laws dealing with medical concerns? You can help. Family member have a newborn? You can offer some actual assistance. Your kiddo sick? You can just rearrange that short window and stay home with them. School need help at the school party? You’re there. Maybe some weeks that means you have actual downtime, but it is also giving not just your family but others in your life this little backup window for those crunch times. There will be a day he’ll be very relieved to have this. Also, for what I would do (and I realize this is very location/yard dependent) – in warmer months I would garden/preserve food! (I enjoy it and it helps the family, but it can be hard on a FT work schedule). YMMV widely of course, but since you asked :)
DLC says
I have seasonal work so I alternate weeks/months of 60 hour work weeks and weeks of 10 hrs. Things I do when I’m in a lighter work period:
-exercise more regularly so I don’t have to fit it in at night.
-take classes at the local community college
– volunteer at the local diaper bank.
– bigger cooking projects to stock freezer and make future me thankful.
– ask Husband if he has house projects he wants me to take on? (I don’t tend to prioritize house projects as much as he does, so they are never on my radar, but he always has a list. It’s stuff as little as “hang this picture” to “get new window treatments.”) I do also mow the lawn when I’m on a lighter schedule.
My Husband also has said that he is jealous of my free time when work is light so I make sure to take the kids more on weekends and weeknights to make sure that he gets free time/kid free time too. I also schedule lunch dates with him during the week. Just things to help him feel like he’s not just working the daily grind while I take time to exercise and read. It might be worth talking to your Husband about what h*he* would want to do with an extra 8 hours a week and help him achieve that.
But as people above say, 2.5 hours is not a lot of time. I find that by the time I get the kids to school, come home, have a cup of tea, pick up from breakfast, check my email, it’s already noon. So honestly I have to be super intentional with my time or I end up feeling kind of unsettled.
Anonymous says
If your husband is envious of your free time during light seasons, does he also step up to take on extra parenting and housekeeping duties during your busy seasons?
DLC says
Oh yes, definitely. When I’m in a busy season, he does evenings and weekends pretty much all on his own.
Anonymous says
This summer my husband and I decided that I would step back to a part-time contract position that turned out to be very part-time, so I am a part-time SAHM to a kid in full-day school. We both WFH so he knows what I’m doing at all times. I do a LOT of very hands-on parenting during evening and weekend hours; some days I am actively engaged with the kid and unable to do anything else from school pickup until midnight. What seems equitable is for both of us to spend about the same amount of time on paid work + household work + child care, regardless of when it happens. This means that I might spend an hour sitting on the deck with my coffee after school drop-off while husband is working, and that he might watch the news while I’m helping the kid with homework. If your husband spends his evening working out while you’re handling dinner and kid bedtime, then it seems equitable for you to work out while your daughter is at school. But if he’s not getting any personal time ever, it doesn’t seem fair for you to spend those two hours on non-household pursuits.
Anon says
i slightly disagree with this, though it sounds like you have only one kid? we have twins and I work part-time, and we have school + nanny, which i realize is a HUGE privilege and something I am immensely grateful for, often feel guilty for (though those of you on this board have helped me feel less guilty), so I do have more time to myself, but DH often works late/travels so I do a lot of solo parenting and our kids really need some one-on-one time. fortunately, DH doesn’t seem to resent that I get more “me” time because I think he realizes that me getting that time benefits all of us, and sometimes that “me” time might be meeting a friend for lunch on a Friday when I’m not working, but we our transplants in a city where we previously had no connections and it takes a lot of work to make/keep friends and have social plans for us as a family, so he realizes it benefits that. DH also grew up with a SAHM and a live-in nanny/housekeeper, so i think he comes at it from a different perspective
Anon says
yeah, I only have one kid but don’t think the “equal amounts of total work” formula would work for us either. I have a very leaned out job, and DH is passionate about his career and chooses to spend a lot of his free time on work. We try to keep things fairly equal on the total childcare/housework front (he does more day to day stuff like cooking, I do far more emotional labor), but he chooses to spend a lot of his down time working on his paid job and I would resent having to do way more childcare and household stuff because I spend less hours on paid work.
Anonymous says
Well, my “equal amounts of total work” formula assumes that one spouse isn’t choosing to work extra to get out of housework or child care. But if I had taken a biglaw job (which was in fact one of the options when I graduated from law school as a married woman with a toddler), I sure would resent it if my husband were lounging around the house or going to the gym or going out to lunch with his friends while I was working 80 hours a week to support his fancy lifestyle. But that’s part of why I chose not to pursue biglaw. YMMV.
Anon says
My husband wouldn’t be working specifically to get out of housework or childcare, but his job is a passion for him in a way mine is not and never has been for me, so I don’t think comparing the total number of hours worked is very meaningful (for us – I recognize it may be different for other couples).
Boston Legal Eagle says
I don’t know what I would with the time, but I agree that you need to have a conversation or go to counseling with your husband to sort out this resentment. It’s not good that he’s already upset about such little time. When she’s in school full time, is he going to be upset that you’re not filling every hour with productivity? And if his job is so stressful, maybe it’s not the right fit or it’s not worth the costs to have the lifestyle. I would be resentful on either side of a SAHP dynamic, honestly, but that’s one reason I know it’s not for me.
Anonymous says
I mean, she *should* be filling that time with productivity. Being a SAHM is a job! Her job is to care for the children and the home so they don’t have to pay someone else to do it. Now if she’s trading off leisure during school hours for housework in the evenings while her husband is relaxing in his recliner, fine. But if they are getting the same amount of evening and weekend leisure time, she needs to be working during work hours. My mother was a SAHM and she definitely worked harder and longer than my father. She wasn’t napping or lunching with the ladies; she was sewing our clothes, cooking our food, buying groceries, balancing the budget, paying the bills, volunteering at the school, mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, running kids here and there … She did go to one workout class every day while we were at school, but my dad just sat around all weekend reading the newspaper while she was bustling around cooking and cleaning.
Anon says
Hard disagree. The value of a person does not lie in how productive they are. He chose his job and all it entails, and she chose to be a SAHM, and I assume they together agreed to put their daughter in this program. Being with little kids is physically and mentally draining in a unique way (see: all the parents who say weekends are tough and are glad to go back to work Monday).
You don’t need to cram every inch of your life with “productivity” in the name of being equal. Sometimes resting and recharging is the best thing (and it gives you energy to be an even better SAHM/partner afterwards)
Anon says
Agree with 1:47 poster.
I would also point out that her staying home and managing all the kid sick days and snow days and teacher work days and (in the days to come) homework, activities and play dates, has a HUGE benefit to her husband’s career, so even if she has a “cushy” SAH life with a lot of household help and gets to spend time during the day when the child is at school resting or socializing, it’s not something her husband should hold against her. They have sacrificed her income and future earning power to help his career and he should recognize how this arrangement is benefiting him. Because it does benefit him. Tremendously.
Spirograph says
Amen
Anon says
That’s very exciting – agree you won’t have much free time and it’s fine if you use it to nap! Being a full time parent is hard!
If you’re husband is tired of working so much that’s something for him to be realistic about and figure out together, as a family, what shifts need to be made – but you don’t need to be constantly busy because he’s being burnout and if that’s what he’s expecting, it’s not cool
anon says
Agree with others that you won’t actually have THAT much time given the length of the program and pickup/dropoff. That said, as she moves into school this year and next, if you are planning on returning to part-time or full-time work in the next few years, you can start using some of that time for career planning and then for networking/educational activities (CLEs, getting back up to speed in your field, volunteer work/pro bono work if that’s relevant to your industry, etc.). One of my friends started picking up pro bono work doing editing on briefs for the local ACLU when her daughter started school – it was something where she could contribute a lot and make good contacts with just a couple of hours a week.
All that being said – you don’t need to fill up this time just to justify yourself to your husband. Frankly, it will likely fill itself up with stuff to do. I do agree with others that resentment from the working spouse toward the SAHM spouse is not a good thing, and you guys need to have some conversations (with a counselor if necessary) to make sure you’re still on the same page about your plans for your family life.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I posted a bit about this last week, and need some (more?) reassurance that it will be OK. I also welcome any tips. I’m working on choosing my battles to avoid power struggles – like you want to play your toy while I put on your shoes to go to school, fine. You want to spin your empty steel plate around while I get breakfast ready? Fine. You want the fruit out of the container vs. the one on your plate? Fine, as long as it gets eaten.
My DS #2, 3, is driving me bonkers and I feel so guilty for feeling this way. He’s just being…3, and is also SUPER clingy right now. Bed time he literally screams/cries for me once I leave the room. (Per the advice here, I’ve let him be, and he has more or less wound up in his bed the last few nights). Nap time this weekend he did the same except didn’t nap and just ended up playing (the playing is fine, but the seperation anxiety). I was literally in tears yesterday, and I felt so guilty about getting so frustrated at a kid who I love dearly and is just acting their age.
They started potty training him in school last week which is likely part of it (and plus, being 3), and since I plan to focus on potty training during MLK weekend I let it be at school – I’ll take the help for now. Meanwhile, I’m already dreading it and I don’t want to be in this headspace for it! That isn’t good for anyone.
DS #1 was no picnic at 3, either, but I think I just blacked it out because I also had a newborn, it was COVID days, and I had a lot of other very heavy life stuff going on.
Anon says
I was in the same boat! They will grow out of a lot of this, and it is completely normal for them to act this way/you to feel this way. I think picking your battles like you have described is good for both of you. It gives your son some feeling of control over things (they have so little control over things that it can be helpful to let them pick/do certain things that you can live with) and it minimizes your stress from the meltdowns. If you aren’t in the headspace to focus on potty training next weekend, I hereby give you permission to put it off! He’s only 3. My daughter was 4 before she was completely trained, we did a much more hands off approach, and she had 2 pee accidents and no poop accidents before I declared her fully potty trained.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Thank you for this. I really, really needed to hear it. I literally got him dressed while he was wiggling and trying to be cute this morning and it was so much better than unsuccessfully yelling STAND STILL RIGHT NOW!
I’d hold off on potty training, but during naptime on Saturday he took off the diaper and pants after he did #2 in them, and has been telling me when he’s gone #2/when he thinks it’s coming, so I feel like we should give it a whirl. I don’t expect him to be “fully” done until 4, though – accidents etc.
Clementine says
So much solidarity… I literally had to translate the word ‘barnacle’ for the au pair this morning so I could communicate what 3 year old’s mood was right now…
But with regards to the little weird power struggles, Here are a few things that we do that really work for stuff like getting dressed/getting out:
– I ask if they’re a tiny baby and then dress them fully talking about their ‘teeny tiny baby toes’
– I give two options, to be a butterfly or a mermaid was today’s choice. So everything was ‘Butterfly Kiddo’. Butterfly kiddo didn’t want to walk to the car but was happy to be carried and fly. Kiddo wouldn’t get dressed, but Butterfly Kiddo was able to spread her wings.
– When they’re driving me crazy, I go silly (so I don’t scream). When they demand irrational things – I demand my irrational things back. ‘I want a lollipop!!’ at 9PM? ‘I WANT TO BE ON THE BEACH WITH A PINEAPPLE JUICE! I want it NOW! Kiddo, can you get me a pineapple juice on the beach?’ Kiddo always stares at me and then giggles and reminds me, ‘Mommy. It’s bedtime.’ It helps us reset.
None of these actually have helped me fix the fact that 3 year old is a Stage 5 Clinger right now, but they are helping me not be driven insane by her, so wanted to share!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
These are such sweet examples, and this just makes it more FUN for everyone (even though as a parent, the FUN takes a lot more energy sometimes than being grumpy – the payoff for everyone involved is better).
Anonymous says
It will pass! And just majorly lower expectations. Like as low as possible then lower.
Anon says
i am the ski school OP from last week. thank you all for your thoughtful comments. fortunately day 2 was much better than day 1. it sounds like the instructor they got on day 1 was just not a good fit. i was also annoyed getting called to pick them up because the group only had 4 kids, and my kids made up half the group. if half the kids in the group go home, something must be off! my twins (age 5.5) had barely ever seen snow before, let alone a mountain and the instructor took them on the chairlift first thing (yes I realize that back in the day there was no magic carpet, but when i learned to ski 33+ years ago we had a T-bar or something for lower hills), and they were petrified and felt unsafe. the second day we split them up, which worked better for their learning, and their instructors started the groups on the magic carpet followed by the chairlift. it turns out they were like the only group of first timers who went straight to the chairlift. i also enjoyed skiing. in the past i’ve done it but haven’t really enjoyed it, but it was so peaceful not having to listen to anyone complain…lol. also as a kid in ski school I was always being pushed to go faster, get to the next level, etc., but i am a more cautious person who never liked speeding down the mountain and on this trip i realized who cares if i only ski greens as long as i’m enjoying myself. i hope to instill this attitude in my kids as one in particular is a more cautious kid who doesn’t like to go super fast. in the end we left on a positive note, because after that first day I was thinking we’d never go on a ski trip again.
Anon says
I *love* this update, and actually thought about you last week. I’m a veteran ski mom, but new to twins. We put our 4 year old twins in ski school, and one took to it like a fish in water. Unfortunately, it just didn’t click for Twin B. By the end of day 1, they were strongly advising me to split them up. Twin A was ready and excited to tackle much more advanced hills (greens on the mountain, rather than just staying on the learner hill), and Twin B still needed to hold an instructor’s hand. Twin B was also pretty teary at drop off, but instructors said she was fine after they settled in (which is common for her). How did splitting them up go? I kept mine together at Twin B’s level, but I’m not sure it was the right call. We are going again in two weeks, and I’m already ruminating on what to do.
OP says
splitting them worked much better for both! Twin B often has more trouble with things requiring coordination and doesn’t like to go fast and i think she enjoyed it more not comparing herself to her sister. and Twin A apparently cried at the beginning but loved it by the end. Twin A cares more about being together than Twin B. we have to fly to ski so we won’t be going again until next year, but an instructor told me that siblings/cousins/ good friends are often tricky in ski school, especially at the younger ages
Anon says
Ack – this is great feedback, thank you! My twins sound exactly the same. Twin A cares more about being together, but is vastly more coordinated and usually is able to master skills far before her sister (twins are fascinating to me – nothing proves that “it’s not your parenting” more than twins, up to this point, Twin A has hit every milestone 6 to 9 months ahead of Twin B). Twin B happily goes at her own pace, and doesn’t really seem to mind if she’s doing things on her own :)
Interestingly, they are not yet competitive with each other – curious at what age you started to see that happen with your twins? So I was keeping them together more for company than anything else. Twin B just wanted to ride the chairlift and hold the instructor’s hand, and Twin A wanted to zoom — but (at least from the instructor’s perspective) spent a lot of time waiting for Twin B. Happily waiting — again, there’s no rivalry yet? but I do wonder if she’d have more fun if she got to ski more.
Anon says
mine are fraternal twin girls and were not quite so differentiated in terms of when they hit milestones. Twin B crawled first actually, but Twin A walked 3-4 months prior. So a tiny bit around age 3, Twin B started to notice that there were things Twin A could do that she couldn’t do yet, but she didn’t really care. At around 4.5 Twin B started to notice more/get upset about it and now at age 5.5 she does get upset about this on a semi regular basis. My Twin B seems to notice more what other people have, etc. and is more prone to all sorts of comparisons than Twin A. For example, Twin B lost two teeth before Twin A lost any. Twin A was very excited for Twin B, and the tooth fairy brought a note for Twin A the first time. When Twin B lost tooth #2, Twin A was still super excited for Twin B even though she hadn’t lost one yet (and this time the tooth fairy brought her nothing – in her first note, the tooth fairy explained the note was only a one time thing). Yesterday Twin A lost her second tooth and Twin B got very jealous and wanted me to give her money too. I think my Twin A likes being a twin more than Twin B does. In terms of skiing, I think my Twin A would’ve also happily waited for Twin B, but on the first day they said part of the reason it seemed like Twin A wanted to go home was because Twin B wanted to go home.
Clementine says
OOOO. Okay, remember how I was kinda like, ‘IDK if your kids aren’t activities kids, make other plans.’ I rescind that.
That seems like a terrifying way to start the kiddos on skis. Like, getting off the chairlift alone is A LOT. Glad it improved! And – with regards to your comments on skiing greens… I skied as a tween/teen but then basically gave it up for 15 years. 2 years ago I picked it back up and my goal was just to be able to be a capable intermediate skier. Yesterday I went skiing with my bestie (who was on skis at 18 months…) and we were cruising down blues in difficult conditions having a blast. I’m not going to the Olympics, I’m just enjoying a great Sunday outside.
Anonymous says
I was also in the “just don’t go if they don’t like it” camp, but yeah if the instructor put them on the chairlift first thing no wonder they hated it! When my daughter did her first day of ski school at that age they used the magic carpet and tried the chairlift once at the end of the full day. When I learned to ski there were no magic carpets so on day 1 we just climbed back up the tiny hill in the ski school area over and over.
Anonymous says
Agree. I have a 5.5 year old who is a good skier and she still likes to warm up on the carpet. She can ski east coast big mountain greens and blues if they are well groomed until her legs tire out. She had a big bad fall off a chairlift last year and I wasn’t expecting it to impact her as much as it did. We had to go really slow this season but she’s back in business!
Anonymous says
I have been skiing for 25 years and had a humiliating fall off the chairlift on a green hill last week!
OP says
thank you for these comments. i was feeling like there was something wrong with my kids last week when i posted. next year i will be specifying that they should both start on the magic carpet
Anon says
Mea culpa on my end too! I was a poster who was a firm “if I’m paying for ski school, they should stay outside and ski all day, no matter what!” — and then my kids skied over the weekend on a very rainy day (oh, Northeast skiing, I have such a love/hate relationship with you), and I’m pretty sure their instructors took them inside a LOT. As in, they were almost dry when I picked them up, and it was pouring – so they were definitely taking a REALLY long hot chocolate break if they were that dry at pick up. I thought of you, and felt badly I was so firm in my “all day, no matter what” attitude. I am so glad that your kids had a better day on day 2, and apologize that I was unwavering last week!
No Chair Lifts Please says
They put the ski school kiddos on the chair lift?? Right away!?!
As someone whose enjoyment of skiing is severely impacted by my fear of chair lifts, this is wild.
Anonymous says
Yes, it’s wild to me that they started out on the chair lift for beginners! I learned as an adult on a mountain with no magic carpet, and was not coordinated enough to use the T bar on a snowboard, so I spent my first couple days walking up and down the learner hill. I am a proficient snowboarder and an adequate skier and I still have a little twinge of panic approaching the end of the chairlift every single time.
Anon says
I am never afraid of chairlifts — until I started riding with my children. WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY MOST PRECIOUS PEOPLE ARE RIDING ON A FLOATING PARK BENCH WITH ONLY A TINY BAR TO KEEP THEM SAFE AND THAT STUPID BAR GETS RAISED UP WHEN THE PARK BENCH IS STILL 1 MILLION MILES UP IN THE AIR?????? Ugh. Now I hate them.
Spirograph says
hahaha exactly that. My 7 year old, who is definitely small enough to slip under the bar, insists on twisting this way and that to look at stuff while on the floating park bench in the sky. “I’m FINE, mommy.” “OK, can you please be fine facing forward with your back against the back rest? Or actually, I’m just going to put my arm here like a second seatbelt. kthx” Even worse if I’m in the chair behind him and I can see him wiggling all over, but can’t do anything about it.
(OP, I’m glad things got better!)
Anonymous says
Same!
Anon says
I am having a hard time disciplining my 3-year old. He will deliberately not follow directions, will scream at us, hit us, etc. I have trouble raising my voice with him because it brings back traumatic memories of yelling in my house growing up. I would get yelled at even if I did nothing wrong, and I lived in fear of my parents, esp my dad. This means that DH does most of the disciplining and imposing consequences (time outs, taking toys or tablet away temporarily, etc). This does seem to be effective in getting DS to understand consequences, but only after 20 mins of screaming from DS, which I can’t take. I usually give in to DS as much as I can to avoid getting him upset. Therefore DS walks all over me and doesn’t respect me, and that we are inconsistent when it comes to consequences. How can I get past my own childhood trauma to address DS’s negative behavior effectively?
Anonymous says
I think something like a parenting course would be great. How to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk also a good foundation.
You’re focused a lot on discipline and yelling. You don’t have to yell at your kid ever if you don’t want to! And not yelling doesn’t mean no consequences. And discipline isn’t actually a great way to accomplish your goals with a three year old.
Anon says
yes, i loved that book!
anonM says
+1 for How to Talk. It gives you ideas instead of just what NOT to do, which you sound clear on. You need a clear new model and to feel confident in it. GL, it sounds like you’re on the right path by even posting about it and wanting to change generational parenting habits.
Anon says
Hitting was automatic timeout for us at that age. Screaming we mostly ignored, although we didn’t give in to whatever it was they were screaming about. It sounds like you know this, but you need to get on the same page with your spouse about consequences and discipline. There’s a lot of room between screaming at a young child and giving into their demands.
Anon says
therapy. or i find listening to parenting podcasts helpful in helping me reframe that it is ok for DS to scream for 20 minutes. that is normal and expected. your job is to hold the boundary. i just have to be in the mindset to handle the screaming from the kids. i am generally not a yeller/voice raiser (though most certainly do from time to time as i’m human!) and you dont have to be in order to parent effectively. while i take take some of the advice with a grain of salt, i do like listening to janet lansbury, dr. becky and big little feelings. i have also found that logical consequences work better for my kids.
Anonymous says
I think you might just need better tools! I also don’t think raising your voice needs to be part of setting boundaries with little kids – we never raise our voices unless its a safety issue and we’re not close enough to physically prevent it. It sounds like you aren’t comfortable using your husband’s tactics for setting boundaries, and it also sounds like you think they may not be super effective if your son is screaming for 20 minutes every time (I may be reading into that).
You could read some books about different philosophies for setting boundaries with kids, take a class, meet with a child psychologist to discuss tactics, and then meet with a couples therapist to align on an approach. Ideally you and your husband would align and respond the same way. There are lots of different approaches out there – Janet Lansbury, How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen, Dr. Becky, etc.
Good luck.
Snow White says
So this may be a bit dated, but have you considered 1,2,3 magic? I know time outs are out of vogue, but I really like the consistency. No yelling (just, that’s 1, etc) and the timeout is honestly a chance to reset. I find it helps me keep from losing my temper. But it will also
Keep you from being walked all over. Plus you and your husband can do the same thing for the kid, which is helpful
Anonymous says
I loved 1,2,3 magic for many of the same reasons as Snow White. There were clear steps which led to clear consequences fairly soon, which meant we didn’t get frustrated enough to start yelling. The first week was ROUGH. Multiple timeouts per day until she realized we meant business. When our daughter was in a timeout we had some time to recover from the conflict. It also helped my husband and me get on the same page about discipline, which was helpful both to our relationship and to our daughter. I think we started doing it about age 3, and now, at 5.5, I sometimes count but its been months before we made it to a timeout.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Solidarity. I posted upthread.
My 3 year old yells A LOT. They yell when they are frustrated – e.g. they drop something accidentally, or they don’t get what they want, and it is REALLY hard for me not to yell at my kid angrily. In fact, I have, and so the cycle continues.
One thing DH and I have done is tell kid firmly (maybe TOO firmly?) to STOP, USE THEIR WORDS, and then tell us what they want help with, what happened, etc. and then give a hug/comfort, even if they don’t get what they want. I also frequently tell DS “Hey, it just fell – its ok, we can clean it up” when I see he’s just getting frustrated.
Part of my own annoyance is because my kid is a bit behind in speech milestones and they can’t communicate like their hyper-verbal older sibling could at that age. I’m working on my own crap about it.
And yes, I need to read How to Talk so Kids will Listen (beyond chapter 1), because I need more tools.
Anon says
if your kid is behind in speech, telling them to STOP, USE THEIR WORDS, seems hard? i mean i think at times that is even hard for a kid developing regularly with speech
Anonymous says
Yeah I don’t get it. They can’t? That’s the issue.
The kid yelling is normal. The parents yelling is a choice.
Anonymous says
+1….
Anonymous says
But. What’s the point of yelling at a kid who struggles with language to use their words.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Yeah, again, I’m really struggling on this one. Maybe I needed to hear that from you all.
When I do the firm STOP – in the best cases, I typically just try to make eye contact and say “Hey did you want X or Y” or “Did X or Y happen?” to get him to calm down and share with the choices. The USE YOUR WORDS is often said in moments of frustration, and clearly isn’t OK.
Anonymous says
To answer your specific question. – therapy. The phase I see a lot is “breaking the cycle”. I can’t imagine how hard it is to go through what you are going through, and kudos to you for recognizing it and desiring to change it.
On the discipline aspect, my child goes to a Montessori preschool. The curriculum director at the school teaches a class to the parents called “Positive Discipline”. In it, we read the book “Positive Disciple” by Jane Nelsen. We took the class when our son turned 3 and It has been remarkably helpful for my husband and I to have taken this class and have a set of “tools” for when situations come up with our now 4.5 year old. I have not read the book recommend in this thread, how to talk so kids will listen, so cannot speak to that. But I have found the positive discipline book to be incredibly helpful.
Two things that I continue to go back to from the class are implementing the “kind but firm” approach in speaking and natural vs. logical consequences. The “kind but firm” manifests itself mostly in that we replace the “but” in a sentence with “and”. The idea is that you are validating the child’s feelings while explaining the limits. For example – they don’t want to stop playing and come eat dinner – “I understand you want to keep playing, AND it’s time for dinner.” It sounds odd, it’s difficult at first to remember, and who knows if it works or my kid just became more complaint? However, it was easy to implement, so it’s one thing you could start today if you wanted.
Anon says
I listened to the Best of Both Worlds Ep on “Organize Your Life 2024”. I don’t LOVE this pod, and stay away from any of the big GOAL SETTING episodes, but here and there are are a few good kernels to glean.
This one just…really annoyed me with smugness. One of them was like “I workout everyday between 5-6:30 because it’s just THAT important to me” and I visibly recoiled. I’d love to be able to prioritize exercise daily, but my energy flow and the rhythms of this season of life don’t allow me to do so. Sometimes I just want to LAY DOWN.
Maybe it’s just me, but I just feel like the hosts (and a lot of time-management/productivity people, not just this pod) just treat planning and every week/day like there are no curveballs – e.g. no kids have to be ran to the doctor, no appliances break, no work fire drills, etc.
I know not everything has to be for everyone, but just putting this here as a vent. Thankful for this community which skews more realistic for me.
Anon says
Yeah, I have a much less intense job than many here (and the BOBW ladies) but I don’t understand how a parent of young kids could be so rigid about something like that because kid stuff comes up.
Anne-on says
I’m right there with you on being annoyed by the ‘it’s so easy, why doesn’t everyone do this?!?’ attitude. I also think both the hosts/their kids are pretty low needs in terms of health issues. I’ve got one kid with minor/managed health conditions that require 2-3 specialists – we have 4 doctor’s visits this week between us! The ‘workouts’ I’m fitting in this are walking during my AM all hands calls and 10 minutes of stretching before bed. That on top of laundry, cooking meals and working will be all I can handle and that’s ok some weeks!
Anon says
Even without major health conditions, I feel like sick days still pop up so frequently – especially in the daycare years.
Anne-on says
Yes, the daycare years are hard! But I think they have major help (live in nanny? au pair?) so the sick days may be less frequent (no daycare germs!) and less disruptive (live in help!). That and I can’t imagine they offload the doctor visits to a paid sitter.
Anon says
I haven’t listened, so I may be way off base with this train of thought…and I also don’t subscribe to the notion that we can do anything! and everything! if we try hard enough… but I think there’s something to the idea that if it’s something we truly value we will make time for it.
Now, as busy women I mean *ONE* thing aside from our families and work, not slotting in 10 things to “prioritize.” For me it’s reading; I have three kids but I read about 60 books a year. I get lots of incredulous comments, but I truly love it, it makes me feel like myself, and I am intentional about using time throughout the day to read.
Do I exercise? Never, beyond taking walks with my kids and going up 50 flights of stairs a day doing life in my house. Maybe exercise is *that* thing for some people. Or getting together with friends (another thing that is bottom of my list right now.)
But I agree the idea of getting myself up at 5am to do ANYTHING feels sanctimonious, lol.
anon says
The smugness turned me away from BOBW. They both strike me as very rigid people. And they have the means to pull that off. I also strive to workout before work, but guess what? Sometimes life happens and I’m too freaking tired and need the sleep more.
Anon says
This has been discussed here before, but even as someone who may have similar means to them, I just don’t want to outsource as much as they do.
Knowing there are no “wrong” decisions about these things – for me it’s simpler and more streamlined for my older kid to go to the aftercare program at his elementary than hiring a nanny to take him to activities, I’d rather keep my youngest at a preschool that has hours that mirror a FT workday (even though I know any “curriculum” ends by 3) vs. have a nanny pick-up earlier, etc.
Last week one of my (local) BFFs had a health emergency, and I had to run one of my kids last min to the ped to get antibiotics – obviously some things had to be dropped to make sure I could go see my friend and take my kid to the doc. I just feel like they NEVER address these life curveballs – the logistics and the emotional toll – on their pod, which this season of life is full of for everyone I know.
anon says
Agree completely! There is at least one big curveball every week, and I’m not even in the little kid stage anymore.
Anon says
agreed, no judgment to others, but I feel like the older my kids get the less I want to outsource and the more I want to be present when they want me to be.
Anne-on says
This. I don’t love the ‘small kids small problems, big kids big problems’ phrase because it feels very dismissive of how hard parenting littles is. BUT a teenager really needs a parent to be there for a big health issue/school situation/bullying/etc. in a way that a 2yr old doesn’t for teething/fever. I had a parent working from home full time from 7th grade onwards and it was hugely helpful, and one of the main reasons I intend to only take WFH jobs (if possible, knock wood) until my own kid is in college.
FVNC says
I’m a BOBW listener because I think the hosts give a perspective not otherwise found on parenting podcasts (although I also skip any goal-setting episodes). My life looks nothing like either of theirs, but I find their discussions generally interesting – particularly when they have guests. What does annoy me is Laura’s lack of candor about household help (I think Sara is better about acknowledging how much their nanny does for them). I’m a weekly listener that never had heard Laura mentioning a house manager before. That would be such a helpful topic to discuss! Or how much her nanny does (and whether they only have one or two). I understand not wanting to give too many personal details, but when, for example, you’re advocating travel with “just the big kids” you need to say what the littles are doing and who they’re with!
Anan says
I don’t listen to their podcast anymore because I find their ultra productivity kind of toxic for me, but I will read their blogs occasionally.
Here’s the thing – their podcast is marketed/sold as a way to help working women navigate work and life so it is in the interest of the show to to have that “Yes! You can do it all! Everything! You just haven’t figured out the right system” tone so they can tell you how it’s done. It is their business to sell their lifestyle/hacks/methods to other people. This is how they make money and grow their following. It’s like any other person who makes money by telling people how to optimize their lives. I think that’s why there is a lack of vulnerability or struggle on their podcast. Laura has written in the past that she realizes many of her solutions and books are for people with higher incomes. Which isn’t to say what she preaches is not worth listening to if you are in that income – the discussion has to start somewhere. But it’s a very trickle down philosophy. And as a business model that makes sense – struggling parents who make minimum wage are probably not going to have the money to buy her books or subscribe to her substack or Patreon or attend SHU’s planning seminars. I don’t see them offering discounts for their services (like I see with other newsletters). I don’t see them offering to lead planning session to people with financial challenges. They did an episode on budget hacks once and it was kind of a joke.
The blogs, I think, give a better picture of the stresses they face every day. You’ll see there that things do come up and they do have to pivot and things fall off their plate periodically. But even then – it’s like if someone gets sick or a nanny can’t make it, they have the time (flexible work schedules) and money (high income jobs and spouses) to solve these problems. (Someone once said, if you can fix a problem with money, it isn’t a problem.) But the tone of their blogs is definitely less smug, and they are a little more transparent there.
For parenting/working mom podcasts, I really like This Glorious Mess.
Anon says
Vent away, but for me personally, I like seeing examples of women prioritizing things *just for them,* whether it’s exercise or something else. I like hearing the techniques they use to get it done and I’ve learned a lot about being intentional with my schedule and life from those kinds of examples. I’ve had the world’s worst f*cking year and I still got outside (even if just for a few minutes) every single day in 2023. That consistency and placing importance on time for me saved me on some of the worst days I’ve ever had.
OP says
This is why I continue to listen – I do get something from their techniques and structures even though I can’t be as rigid in my own life. I just sometimes get annoyed by the “it’s not that hard, you have X amount of time” attitude towards everything.
Also I hope your 2024 is better and that you have some space to start healing. 2020 was one of the hardest/worst years in my life and I’m still recovering.
NLD in NYC says
Same here. Definitely in a lower income bracket than Laura and Sarah. (And most likely many on this platform. #civilservant). Buuuuut, I also find some of their techniques and structures helpful. Did I also bristle at the 90 min run? Yep. Then I remembered Sarah’s kids are older, has a nanny who cooks and does meal prep, probably has a shorter commute than my 1 hr+, etc, etc. I do appreciate they are unapologetically pro-working mom in a world which wants to make you feel that you’re selfish for having any time away from your kids. And I am a planner so I also listen to Sarah’s BLP podcast.
Anon says
It’s off to a REALLY bad start, but thank you for your kind words anyway. Maybe 2025…
OP says
I’m sorry. I really hope it gets better.
Redux says
I’m taking my 9 year old to see Annie (broadway touring) on Saturday. She is not familiar with the story. Should I have her watch the movie first? I feel like Annie was so much part of the culture when I was a kid that seeing it on stage was definitely not my first encounter. I want to her enjoy it and not be confused (but also don’t want to “spoil” the experience). How should I prep her (if at all)?
Anon says
I think 9 is old enough that it’s ok to go into it cold. If it were something super fast-paced or historical like Hamilton, I’d recommend some prep, but Annie is much more accessible. We took my 6 year old to Aladdin on Broadway cold (she never saw the movie) and she understood it and loved it.
Anonymous says
Nope. You do not need to prep your kid to see a show! Beyond explaining sitting quietly and listening. Pls chill
Spirograph says
Definitely do not prep her. Shows are supposed to be stand-alone! As my actor friend says, the production is doing it wrong if the audience can’t follow the plot. I avoid even listening to soundtracks before I see a musical for the first time. Sometimes that’s not possible (I’m a child of the 90s, so obviously I saw Disney movies before they were stage shows), but to the extent I can control it, I want to be surprised and delighted.
Anonymous says
My six year old enjoyed the Nutcracker significantly more when I showed it to him on YouTube before we went to the live show. He had a million questions including can boys be ballerinas :) But he’s six, and I think the Nutcracker is harder to follow than the plot of Annie. Tl;dr – not necessary but if you WANT to watch it with her before I say go for it!
Anon says
Yeah, I said above that my 6 year old did great at Aladdin with no prep, but we prepped her for the Nutcracker (with the book The Story Orchestra – highly recommend if anyone else is in the same boat!). Since there’s no dialogue it can be quite hard to follow the story if you don’t know what’s going on. Broadway musicals, especially ones aimed at a younger audience, are normally much easier to follow.
Anonymous says
Agreed, there’s a big difference between a ballet and a musical. Ballet programs include the plot synopsis! I always read it aloud to my kids before the show starts… but (to me, at least) the plot of a ballet is beside the point. You don’t have to have any clue what’s going on to enjoy the dancing, music, costumes, scenery etc.
DLC says
Instead of watching the movie, I would listen to the Broadway cast recording. I feel if my kids have heard the music before, they go in with a different sense of anticipation. Also sometimes it’s hard to understand sung lyrics on the fly so hearing them beforehand is nice.
Also, the movie is pretty different than the musical.
anonamommy says
I’d recommend making sure that she knows the basic plot and the main character names enough so she can follow along. Does she understand the concept of an orphanage? Some of the overall context might help get her ready, but I don’t think you need to watch the movie. Can you listen to the music beforehand? I think that hearing something familiar helps with the overall enjoyment of the show.
Anonymous says
Nah. If she were younger I’d say yes.
Anon. says
We took my then-5 year old last year to the local community theater production. He had maybe heard one or two of the songs before but otherwise no prep and he had a good time/followed the plot reasonably well. Our neighbor played Molly so that also kept the 3-yr old entertained. I don’t think you need to worry about it.
Cb says
Thanks for the MP3 recommendation ahead of Christmas. I bought it for my son and it’s gotten hours and hours of use every since. I find the sound a bit tinny, so we hooked it up to a mini speaker for bedtime, so it doesn’t annoy me, but he’s really enjoyed having his own control of his device, without it being a tablet with other temptations.
Anon says
which one did you get/what does it do? i was thinking of mini yotos for my twins’ birthday (we have Tonie boxes we got when they were younger, which htey still listen to nightly, but they are starting to discover music, other stories, etc.)
Cb says
I got the cheap amazon one. My son has my binge reading / listening tendencies so could easily finish an audiobook in a day so a yoto would bankrupt us in books. Audible plus keeps us going.
It’s amazing for the bus. The other day, he happily listened to his audiobook and I finished my actual book. Although he then ignored me on the walk home because “my story is at a very exciting moment…”
Anonymous says
Another parent of a 3 year old wanting some commiseration or tips. Now that it’s Monday and I can breathe again I am feeling less bad but honestly during weekends and daycare breaks I just feel like I have an incredibly hard time enjoying any time with my 3 year old. It’s like he turned 3 and overnight he just plain does not listen. Maybe after telling him 3-4 times does he somewhat comply with 25% of things. I feel like I used to have really effective strategies – I give warnings (counting to 3 used to be super effective), I tell what needs to happen directly and calmly, and then I implement a boundary – remove the toy, get him dressed or into his seat myself, send to calm down in his room alone. But his behavior lately is so out of control and nothing works. I don’t know how many times I can do escalating punishment for hurting people without improvement! We’ve been leaning in to giving one on one time, we even took him out for his own special activity this weekend to try to address attention issues if that’s what’s driving this. We do play with him and bake treats and do so many things he likes. But the moment we are back home or the treat is over he’s shoving his sister on the floor, hitting, kicking us if we’re all on the couch, head butting us, throwing toys at the tv or other people, screaming for candy. If we say he needs to play on his own he just wrecks the house, dumps every toy on the floor and empties drawers etc. we’re trying a sticker chart and I don’t think that’s working. I’m at my wits end, I just plain don’t like him lately. He’s really smart, and we have high expectations for behavior so maybe this has become the issue I just don’t know anymore. Please tell me this is a phase.
Anon says
It’s just being 3 (for some kids, anyway – I recently learned there are 3 year olds who are sweet and pleasant and it blew my mind). I really disliked that age and just had to grit my teeth and get through. It was crazy how quickly things changed right around the 4th birthday.
Anonymous says
Yeh that’s 3. Winter doesn’t help. Is it possible he’s overstimulated with fun activities on the weekends? Like if he’s used to a daycare routine and then weekends is ALL THE FUN THINGS then that can be hard.
Anon says
my MIL must have had the easiest 3 year olds ever because she tells me she always used to tell her kids to stay 3….whereas I always ask my kids if they can be 2 again. i recall the exact weekend my twins switched from being sweet toddlers to total threenagers (and now they are 5 and while certain things have gotten easier, i honestly still miss age 2). 3 for us is when the tantrums really started, lots and lots of screaming by the kids. it is because they stopped being little people pleasers (which is developmentally a good thing, but makes parenting hard). also is your 3 year old your oldest? you said you have high behavior expectations, might they be too high? also i know it is soooooooo much easier said than done, but the key is trying to stay calm and just keep implementing the boundary, even if it is the same boundary over and over again.
Anonymous says
Why do you have high expectations of behavior for a three year old? They are feral demons. They require constant activity lest the wreck your house. If he has the energy to rage in the house let him loose in the fields/park/yard. This too shall pass.
Anon says
+1 to getting the excess energy out. During the winter, we go to indoor playgrounds, jump parks, etc. Get a membership. Go at least once a weekend. During nice weather, we rotate playgrounds. I would be more concerned with the physical contact. That’s a hard line for us and will immediately result in a timeout. I’ve posted on here before that our time outs are in the boring and safe bedroom, and we stay in the room with our kid.
Anon says
As a baseline, assume a 3yo can do nothing on their own and you are going to have to physically help them — then sometimes you’ll be pleasantly surprised! Age 3 is still such a baby, really. You can lay scaffolding of expectations and independence, but you are not there yet, and it’s a big burden for all of you to expect him to have impulse control or to follow directions. He’s showing he can’t be with his sister alone; you will need to keep them separated or with supervision while this passes.
Also, the holidays are A LOT of change and stimulus. Maybe he needs a few weeks to decompress.
Anonymous says
I actually don’t think this is normal 3-year-old behavior. The 3-year-olds I have known like this were all boys who were later found to have ADHD and/or other issues that couldn’t really be diagnosed at age 3. So I’d cut yourself some slack and not assume that your expectations are out of whack or that your parenting is subpar. Maybe look at some parenting strategies for ADHD and see whether those help? They are usually good strategies for all kids whether or not they have ADHD.
Also try limiting the potential damage–for example, take all the toys with tiny pieces out of the playroom so he can’t dump them out. Don’t attempt family movie night. Etc.
Anonymous says
I don’t know, my DS (2nd child) was straight up hard from 18 months to 4. Like I nonstop got the “you have your hands full” or “he’s really hyper” comments in public all the time. People just have really unrealistic expectations for kids under age 7, especially boys or any girl with lots of physical energy.
At 4 he requires a good amount of physical activity every day but he functions very well in a group environment, can maintain attention/do activities (in an age appropriate manner), and makes friends easily. There’s no suspicion of ADHD.
What helped me was just saying to DH “He’s just so HARD sometimes!” But also focusing on my sons best qualities (extremely affectionate, funny, life of the party personality)
Anon says
My kid didn’t do much dumping of toys and was decently good at independent play, but otherwise sounds pretty similar to OP’s kid, and is now an apparently neurotypical, if somewhat emotionally intense, 6 year old. I think this is just age 3 for some kids.
OP says
OP here. He actually has no problems at preschool. He gets dressed there. He uses the bathroom independently. He never gets physical with anyone there. I think he’s bored at home. The issue is he’s bored unless a parent is interacting with him to play a game of his choosing at all times and even then he might still throw a toy at my husbands face. And if sister is trying to engage that’s when she may get a shove. The expectations are there because this is new behavior. And sometimes it’s not possible for one parent to give dedicated 1:1 supervision, like one of us is cooking dinner etc. then we just have to pick up and hold sister and then 3 year old is even more jealous I assume and behavior gets even worse. It’s just really frustrating.