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Page Swim Class Dilemma says
I just saw the post on the weekend thread about swim lessons. I agree with the posters about most kids not actually learning to swim until they are 5-6-7 years old. However, I think there is benefit to a child having basic skills to get themselves out of a pool if they were to jump/fall in. We’ve been doing swim lessons at our YMCA for 2 years now (kid is 5.5 now). Can she swim independently? No. Could she get herself out if she were to jump or fall in? Maybe, but I like her chances better with having done it hundreds of times in swim class. Our kid has never hesitated to go in the water without a parent for lessons, but I’ve seen a lot that do have issues. Does the YMCA have open swim? Ours has open swim multiple times a week. Take him to open swim where you can be in the water with him just to expose him to it with you holding him. The folks at the YMCA always recommend this to anyone that is having issues with the kids not wanting to go without their parents.
Anonymous says
The difference here is that your child is willing to get in the water. OP’s kid is not going to learn how to get himself out of a pool if he won’t get into it. Taking him to open swim is a good idea if he is willing to get in with a parent, but there is zero value in enrolling him in swim lessons until he’ll get in the water and put his face in without a parent OR in forcing him to get in with a parent if he’s screaming.
Anonymous says
When I was a kid I was terrified of pools until I was tall enough to stand up. My mom tried putting me in swim lessons when I was maybe 5 but gave up because I refused to do anything but hang on to the side for dear life. Once I was tall enough to stand on the bottom, I was no longer afraid and actually taught myself to swim.
anon says
I’ll just comment that the age kids learn to swim is regional and largely based on access to pools. There are lots of 3 yos who are part fish who can swim fabulously, but those are kids who have had lots and lots of pool time. We have a heavy swim culture in this area and most 6/7 yos are on a summer swim team, with an expectation that they’re legal in at least 3 strokes (with a developing fly).
Cb says
Yeah, I live in Scotland, where no one has private pools, so very few kids are swimming confidently. Lots of people do swim lessons, but they are only 1x a week for half an hour. And post-Covid, the waitlists were incredible. We got on a waitlist in December 2020 after we moved, and didn’t get a spot until August 2023. I’d like some adult lessons, but the waitlist is years long.
Anon says
+1 I live in Northern CA in an area with a heavy swim culture with lots of pools and most can swim independently by age 6 in our community, if not earlier.
That being said if your kid won’t get in the pool they won’t get in the pool. That happened with my (young at the time) son and it was miserable so we quit. It took a minor amount of maturing (6 mos to a year?) and finding a better fit of a swim school (in our case an outdoor one seemed to help) to get him going again, and I’m so glad we didn’t white knuckle it through forcing it for that short in between period.
Anon says
Yup. In our area summer swim team is very popular starting around age 6 so kids learn how to swim well enough before that. We are in the north east, so not a massive pool culture, but still a pretty decent one (we’re not Florida, but most neighborhoods and towns have public pools) plus most people spend time either at the beach or at the lake in the summer and boats are also pretty common.
Anon says
Yeah, I live in Georgia, my kid is 4, and he can swim independently. I would never have him in the water without an adult, but if you throw him off the diving board, he can swim to the side and get out. We have a pool so we prioritized swim lessons (he started at 6 months and has gone twice-weekly ever since). He is slightly ahead of his peers, but most of them are very close to swimming independently.
Anon says
I don’t view it as a problem to start swim lessons early and get kids used to the water, even if the overall process takes longer. It’s more time not in front of screens and having fun!
Anon says
The issue with OP is her son wouldn’t get in the water without her, and had aged out of most of the parent-and-me lessons. So the general advice over the weekend was to wait until he’ll get in the water instead of making every lesson a struggle. I agree with finding a way to increase pool access and just going in with him casually until he’s ready to do it on his own.
Anon says
This.
Anon says
Yeah, I agree with your general sentiment but in this case for the weekend OP, it sounded like no one was having any fun….
Swim Class Dilemma says
OP here who posted the question over the weekend. I’m blown away by the support from this board, you all are amazing! I found out that our community center has swim classes on weeknights which works a little better for us, and I can be with him in the pool. He may be the oldest in the class but we will try it out and see how he does. Good to know that private lessons are an option down the line, I hadn’t thought of that, but we will try the classes first. Now the question is whether to enroll him in the 5:15 pm class or the 6 pm class. The community center is near his preschool but would require me to duck out of work early, which I can probably do most days, but we will be rushed. The 6 pm class would give us enough time for at least a snack before class, but then he doesn’t get as much play time at home. In writing this out it seems like 6 pm would be better.
Anon says
He may not need as much playtime at home after the 6pm class. We go with the later time since it gives us enough time to have a snack and use the bathroom. Bedtime is usually much less of a fight because she’s extra tired from swim (we do sometimes have an earlier bedtime too).
Anon for this says
Anyone else reading the stuff out there criticizing millennial parenting and feeling like they just can’t win?
8 Year old (who does have an ADHD diagnosis) struggles with emotional regulation, particularly in the case when they feel they are being ‘wronged’. So like, coach is doing drills in a round robin and skips kiddo or another kiddo? Kid gets really upset. It’s an outsized sense of justice, if that makes sense.
We’re working on all the things, putting all the tools in the toolbox. Well, after reading about how it’s because parents of young kids are simultaneously disconnected and hovering, and that apparently high schoolers can’t read… I feel like it’s impossible to do it ‘right’. I mean, the handout I have from the behavioral therapist kiddo started working with says that parents of young kids should avoid putting them in distressing situations and also that kids often struggle with emotional regulation if their parents have helped them to externally regulate and they haven’t had to self regulate enough.
Like… then what is the answer? I know it’s ‘know your kid’ because what works for Kid #2 doesn’t work for Kid #1. I feel just utterly defeated by trying to help my kid.
Anon says
The handout says not to put kids into distressing situations? I thought that went against the concept of teaching distress tolerance. I will say though that there is so much conflicting advice out there so everyone can make money selling their approaches. My friend and I were just commenting on some Instagram influencer who is trying to sell some kind of 20 hour course on how to do daycare drop off…maybe it’s that millennials are extra susceptible to that marketing.
Anonymous says
I blame all of this on the total breakdown of American society. Every little misstep has such serious consequences that one ill-advised social media posting or one missed assignment can cost a high school kid a place in college. And everyone is entirely on their own for everything. Our child care system is broken, consumer protections are evaporating, and our economy is designed to favor the rich at the expense of ordinary working people. Mothers are assigned 100% responsibility for every aspect of their child’s development. If there’s a problem it’s the mom’s fault for not doing everything exactly right, and it’s entirely up to the mom to fix it.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yeah, this too. It’ll be interesting to see if suddenly caregiving has more value when all of the boomers need more people to help take care of them (money itself can’t change your diaper…)
Anon says
I highly recommend Jennifer Wallace’s Never Enough – she talks about the forces that create the impression that everything is so high stakes, and how to respond.
Anon says
This is an extreme take. There’s definitely a lot of pressure, but it’s because we’ve all signed up to join this crazy rat race, and if we make some hard choices most of us CAN opt out. I’ll have to read the book referenced above. And it’s usually not “one little misstep” that derails a life (and let’s be honest, if you’re a white male basically nothing will derail your life!). Maybe you miss out on the totally 1% option, but there are lots of paths out there.
I mean this in a not-creepy conservative way, but a lot of things that have historically been the domain of the family are now being pushed out to public services, and it’s not working (see: schools and the myriad of services and discipline they are expected to provide on top of teaching. Even as basic as managing smartphone use because parents are noping out of setting boundaries there.) I don’t know the answer, but I don’t think all is lost.
Anon says
I’ve read a few articles where teachers are complaining of significant burnout and frustration with how few boundaries kids seem to have. There was one article describing kids doing some rude hand gesture or sound they learned on TikTok at their teachers and how they would just feel empowered to do it ALL day, hang the disruption to everyone or the rudeness to the teacher. That simply wouldn’t have been done in the 90s and I don’t think the 90s were too authoritarian by any means.
Anon says
I agree.
I feel bad for people living in California where I know the state schools are very competitive, but in most states kids have great in-state college options that aren’t that to hard to get into, and are affordable to boot. College admissions doesn’t have to be this crazy rat race, and it isn’t where I live. If you go to a state school, study something practical and get decent grades your life will turn out fine.
Anonymous says
Eh, you can opt out of elite college admissions and travel sports, but you can’t exactly opt out of the “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps” and “let’s make it even easier for the rich to get richer at the expense of everyone else” economy that makes child care and elder care unavailable at any price, creates shortages of ADHD medication and baby formula, etc.
Anon says
I 100% agree there are serious problems with the availability and affordability of childcare, but you said “one missed assignment can cost a high school kid a place in college” and that’s just crazy hyperbole. And parents having that mindset and overreacting about things like this fuels kids’ anxiety.
Anonymous says
With respect to classroom discipline, according to my teacher friends the problem is that administration won’t back them up. They can’t impose any consequences, send kids to the office, or even have students who are violent or carrying weapons removed from the classroom.
Anonymous says
I don’t think the classroom issues are about parenting. I attended T1 schools where we had legit gang issues and there were all sorts of things going on in kids’ homes, but classrooms were a thousand times more orderly than they are at my kid’s bougie school. At my junior high when there was a fight the dean of students would grab both kids by the collars and haul them off to his office, and then they’d get sent to the alternative school for the rest of the year. At my daughter’s school the teachers and administrators just stand there and watch.
Anon says
Totally agree that teachers not being empowered to impose consequences is a big issue, but there are myriad testimonies from burnt out, seasoned teachers along the lines of “kids these days are 100 times harder to handle” than any time before in their careers.
I know everyone loves to blame Covid, or the rise in neurodivergent diagnoses, but on a base level there’s a lot of parents not parenting. I think a lot of it is an extreme reaction to the authoritarian previous generation (and I say this as a “gentle parent” myself), but there’s also a breakdown in personal/familial responsibility happening, and a tendency to blame “the system” for everything
Anon says
FWIW, the 6-12 yr developmental plane is very interested in justice and fairness, so it’s many kids, not just yours!
I also have an ADHD kiddo and I find the ADHD Dude on Instagram very refreshing. I think the pendulum has swung a bit far towards coddling/not allowing children to experience negative emotions, and he has a different approach (basically, how to hold high standards and allow your kids to grow so they can exist in the world and be pleasant, functioning people).
anon says
2nd the recommendation for ADHD Dude. OP, there is a lot of bad information about ADHD parenting out there, and a lot of it comes from … other parents. Like seriously stay away from message boards unless you want an echo chamber where people let their kids get away with literally everything because hashtag neurodivergent.
Anonymous says
I’m a millennial and I’m just over everyone criticizing us over everything and nothing and don’t read those kinds of articles. You do your best with the kid and the tools you have, and don’t worry about anyone else.
Anonymous says
My ADHD kid also has an outsized sense of justice, as did I as a kid. My kid gets upset even if the injustice does not directly affect them. I find that naming and acknowledging the feeling helps some.
Anonymous says
Same here (8 y/o with adhd). As much as I struggle with this, it’s awesome to see her put her sense of justice to use. She is currently obsessed with making sure there are options for students that identify as genderless. It’s actually fun to watch her raise her hand when there is a boys option and a girls option and she wants to know about option C.
She does not identify as genderless but she learned about it as a concept at school (and there are several LGBTQ+ kids in her grade) and is pretty obsessed with ensuring there is always an option.
I’m thinking perhaps she could have a career in social justice. :)
Anon for this says
OP here – yeah, we need to deal with the frustration in a more positive way, but kiddo is also definitely more social justice-centric than most kids.
Case in point: we visited Monticello. Kid learned about all the parts, but really got hung up on the fact that TJ kept his (biracial) children enslaved until they were 21. We have many people in our lives who are Black or Multiracial and kid was like, ‘these were TJ’s OWN CHILDREN?? And he thought it was okay for them to be slaves until they were 21??’ Love this, right? Well… several months later, I did get a note home that Kid basically tried threw the entire lesson on the founding fathers off by bringing up the details of what kiddo felt were TJ’s flaws. This in and of itself? Fine. Kid telling teacher they were wrong? Ehhh… got to work on the respect part kiddo.
Yeah, kid will very likely end up being an excellent litigator if they choose to go that way… They informed me that ‘my teacher said I’ll make a great lawyer some day’ and well… now we just need to emphasize the great parts and curb the anger.
Anonymous says
Our kids should hang out ;).
ThirdJen says
As a person with a raging hate crush for TJ, thanks to your kid for bringing it up, even if they didn’t go about it the most optimal way. :)
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think as a generalization, millennial parents are more into reading about parenting and learning about parenting techniques and trying to do it “right” or at least better. Not all, but a lot of boomer parents didn’t read many books on how to parent and just used an authoritarian or “do as I say” type technique. At the end of the day, I think being there for your kid, listening to them and not trying to downplay their emotions is what’s most important. Some kids will melt down more often than others. You can’t parent your way out of neurodiversity or even different personalities. And yes, kids are gonna kid and be loud, self-centered and annoying. It’s not because of us millennials.
AwayEmily says
Yeah, agreed. And the “parenting industry” is incentivized to make everything seem like a huge issue that can only be resolved by purchasing this online course/book/etc, when in reality, many problematic behaviors will resolve on their own with love and time (and I will note here I’m of course not talking about medical issues/diagnoses that do need professional help).
Thinking about my own kids’ weirdnesses over the past five years that resolved with time…they include: paralyzing anxiety about dogs, refusal to poop on the potty, refusal to eat any fruits, screaming tantrums that required physical restraint, and aggression towards baby sibling.
Anonymous says
totally off topic, but as a mom of a child who refuses to eat any fruit in any form it’s really helpful to see that a child somewhere out in the world grew out of this.
AwayEmily says
With mine it started when he was almost 4…just started refusing fruits one by one until finally there was no fruit he would eat (except, on very rare occasions, a pomegranate seed). My husband and I decided to just mostly ignore it, keep offering from time to time, and hope that it would go away. A few months after he turned six, I was at the library with the kids and had brought a clementine. I offered it to them and was absolutely bowled over when my son was like “sure.” A week later he accepted an apple slice from a neighbor. A week after that, he casually said to me in the car “remember when I used to not like fruit?”
I played it cool but inside was like “DO I REMEMBER?!?! yes I remember the TWO FULL YEARS of you refusing the one food that every child is supposed to love.”
He is still terrified of bananas, though. To be fair, I’m also weirded out by them.
Anon says
Hahaha oh man kids are wild.
Anon says
+1. I’ve been thinking about this a lot as someone who is an overthinker (hahaha). My younger kid (3.5) loves letters and numbers, throws big tantrums, won’t use the bathroom when we’re out-and-about (is fine at home, at school, at my parents’ house, etc. – my older one was similar, too!), and keeps talking about how he’s scared of bouncy houses. It’s crazy to me that my FIRST inclination is to pathologize his behavior vs. being like…ok more love is needed here, this will pass eventually, let’s see how he is in another year, etc. I’m constantly worried I’m “missing” something vs. just focusing on the good.
GCA says
Yes, all of this. It’s part of what makes us particularly susceptible to the parenting-industrial complex.
Anon says
Maybe an unpopular opinion, but I’m not sure how much the new vocabulary of parenting is helping us. Words and phrases like “dysregulated” and “emotional regulation” and “sensory seeking” and more sometimes seem to pathologize normal child behavior in a way that I don’t think is very helpful for the parents.
Anon says
+1
Anonymous says
+2. Supposedly 1/3 of the kids in our school system have IEPs or 504s. What this means is that kids with genuine learning issues don’t get taken seriously.
Anon says
Fwiw IEPs are pretty broad and include a lot of things that don’t really affect learning or life. My kid has an IEP, because in our district (maybe state law?) it’s mandatory for any kid who qualifies for speech therapy. Other than receiving pull-out speech at school twice a month, she’s like any other kid and we don’t get any special accommodations beyond the therapy. I think kids who qualify for ESL and other standard services also automatically have IEPs. I get why the stat is disarming but I wouldn’t assume 30% of parents are trying to get their kids to be seen as special snowflakes.
Anonymous says
In our state you don’t get an IEP or a 504 without proof that the disability affects learning.
Anon says
According to the school system, any child that qualifies for speech therapy has a disability that potentially affects learning but in practice my child is easily understandable and her speech issues have had no impact on her learning. My point is that I know a lot of kids who have IEPs because they go to speech therapy or take ESL classes or have a physical disability, and the vast majority of these kids are doing fine in school, and don’t have IEPs because their parents are pushy and trying to game the system and get the kids extra time on tests. It’s because the school classifies pretty much any non-standard service as an IEP. 1/3rd of kids having IEPs doesn’t mean people are pathologizing normal kid behaviors, it means lots and lots of common things fall under the IEP umbrella.
anon says
+ 3…. million.
Momofthree says
I can understand why people might think that. As someone who’s got a kid that has ADHD & mild autism, I find the language incredibly valuable. It helps give me a way for understanding why my kid is doing the things he’s doing, otherwise he looks like a horrible person. He says very mean things repetitively or screams/ yells in a disproportionately extreme manner. It’s also important because then I have things I can tell him to do rather than just being upset that he isn’t following the rules and continually punishing him because that’s not going to get him to stop. The IEP means that the school is also able to give him support that he needs.
That doesn’t mean that we don’t have consequences or set boundaries, but it makes us more understanding instead of assuming he’s a bad kid.
SC says
My son just turned 9. He has ADHD and struggles with emotional regulation and impulsivity. His therapists have called what you describe “a heightened sense of justice.” “Outsized” works too.
There have definitely been times when I’ve felt that it’s impossible to do things the “right” way. It helps me to tell myself that my parenting is not the reason that my son struggles with this, but I can support him in learning how to regulate his emotions. We rely on the advice of his professionals and the books or articles they recommend, and I try to tune out random sources of parenting advice.
As far as advice not to put them in distressing situations and also, as parents, not externally regulating them… it’s a balance, and it probably is “know your kid.” There’s no real point in putting a child in a situation that you and they know is going to be distressing. For example, my son loves board games, but if we’re playing with a young child who’s just learning about taking turns and following rules, I play too and control/ monitor that game. I know that, without my coaching, my son is not going to understand that the 4-year-old is still learning, and the 5-year-old is going to have their feelings hurt and be really confused and maybe scared if my son gets frustrated, especially if he yells or stomps. I can facilitate a positive experience for both kids by picking the right game, being cheery and silly, and running the show. I can also see early warning signs of my son’s frustration and intervene or take a break or end the game.
On the other hand, I can’t control every time he plays a game. His class had a “fun day” last Friday, where they all took turns playing board or card games they brought in. I wasn’t going to stop him from going to school or pick him up early. (It crossed my mind, and I quickly decided that was too far into “external regulation”.) DH and I reminded our son that it was board game day, went over his emotional regulation tools and what to do if he got frustrated, and sent his teacher a note that this is an area where he struggles and asked her to keep an eye out. (It’s a private school with only 14 kids in the class, and she replied that the note was helpful). It sounds like board game time went well and was a positive experience.
Whatever that balance is, it is very much “know your kid.” What works for one kid doesn’t work for another. What works for your kid changes based on time, sensory inputs, amount of sleep, and a host of other factors. DH and I disagree sometimes. Sometimes we get the balance wrong and don’t provide enough support, and I’m sure sometimes we hover too much or don’t push enough.
Anon for this says
This is helpful. Kid’s class has one teacher and 27 students. Teacher is lovely but also a bad fit for our kid. She is really good at bringing kids who have fallen behind up to the level of the class, but… if your kid already gets it, it is very boring.
Right now, sports practices are the best place to learn to deal with disappointment. I know kiddo is SO CLOSE to being able to handle it productively and also – I don’t want him pathologized or labeled as a ‘bad kid’ because he’s truly a great kiddo who feels unfairness (for everyone, not just himself) really deeply.
Anonymous says
Similar justice oriented 8 year old and… sports refs are currently providing some of our best learning opportunities on this topic. I can’t say it’s fun but it’s definitely exposure therapy for managing feelings of unfairness!
Anon says
27 kids is a lot for early elementary! That may be part of the problem.
Anon says
I’ve stopped reading this stuff and it’s been so freeing!
I’ve also recently realized that much of the influencer parenting just isn’t really working with my kids. I was deep into BLF et al, and much of it is good—not yelling, etc. But the constant giving choices (my kid will never choose one of the choices!) and many of the scripts just don’t seem to work for my kiddos. So I’ve stepped away and unfollowed a whole bunch of parenting influencers, and honestly it’s been very freeing. I feel silly that I got so caught up in the online parenting world.
Cb says
I left instagram in 2020, and I feel so much better about my parenting. I listen to a few parenting podcasts, but largely those which have a pretty low-key approach, and just kind of do my thing. I think being a bit outside the mainstream in my community helps as well, the mums at pick-up are never going to rate my parenting and I don’t particularly rate theirs? So the comparison isn’t there in the same way.
My mum can be trusted to tell me if I’m doing anything egregious, ie. we had gotten in a bad habit of not feeding our son what we ate, and she said “you have to stop just feeding your kid carrot sticks and lunch meat, give him a hot meal!” And my feelings were a bit hurt (harsh feedback from the woman who served sloppy joe meat that you heated up in the plastic tub), but I did, and life is so much better.
Anon says
I stopped reading parenting books for the most part and following influencers. Some of it is helpful but a lot of it is a load of garbage. The idea that discipline is bad and time outs are wrong. All feelings must be endlessly validated. Please. Books filled with common sense won’t sell because they are too simple and not revolutionary enough. I will look up and research ideas occasionally but I’m pretty skeptical.
Spirograph says
This is a big reason why I don’t do social media or consume parenting books/articles in general. Obvs I read this s1te, but if I have concerns about my specific kids, I talk about it with the doctors who have actually met them. I trust that they’re reading all the research and can filter out what’s useful for me.
I feel like “the paradox of choice” is a big problem for me and for many people in general these days. When all the options and all the information are (in theory) at your fingertips on the internet, it’s easy to consume all of that rather than going with your gut and moving forward with a “good enough” solution to a practical problem. Like, reading about the ADHD brain is interesting to me, and it’s probably helpful on some level for me to understand *why* my kid may be behaving a certain way… but knowing all the right terms for it is less useful than knowing a consistent dinner & bedtime routine will make my life a lot easier.
Anon for this says
OP here. I generally was doing what made sense – lots of firm boundaries and good scaffolding combined with age appropriate expectations and firm and clear consequences. lots of logical consequences and ‘if/then’ type stuff. However, some things that I thought were good (teaching my kid to be curious! encouraging him to read! Allowing for lots of questions!) are problematic in ways I hadn’t expected. Like, my kid actively corrects teacher in front of the class. And… it doesn’t come from a place of disrespect! It comes from a place of wanting to be helpful.
I started seeking out resources from professionals and now… I’m going bananas that I feel like even their handouts contradict themselves! Thanks for letting me vent… I’m also just sad that I’m spending so much time working on these ‘shortfalls’ of my kid that I feel like we’re missing some of his best parts.
SC says
I’m all over this thread, sorry. It sounds like you’re doing great! Keep encouraging your child to be curious, read, and ask questions. And it’s OK for the teacher to tell him, and for you to reinforce, that there’s a time and place to correct the teacher, and it’s not in the middle of a lesson. Since you mentioned an ADHD diagnosis in your original post, the corrections are probably related to impulsivity, so I’d just encourage him to try the same strategies as with other impulsive behaviors (a “pause” button, taking a breath, etc.).
It is a real thing that working on “shortfalls” or challenges can feel like you’re missing the best parts, and sometimes trying to change the best parts. I try to be intentional about praising specific things. And we really praise and reward our son when he does well on some of the behaviors we’re working on.
Spirograph says
Vent away! I hear you on this — I have had so, so many conversations at school & aftercare over the last few years about my kids. And *I* want to be helpful, I try really hard to train my kids to be good, polite, respectful people, and take the feedback from other adults in their lives seriously…I literally teared up while some 22 year old aftercare counselors insisted on recapping to me what sounded like typical playground nonsense, because it was the nth time in a couple weeks I’d heard negative stuff about my child, after I’d already told them we were actively working with doctors on a treatment plan. At some point (for me, at least), more information is not more. It’s overwhelming, and you’re right, focusing on addressing “shortfalls” distracts you from the best parts about your kid.
I respect the heck out of teachers and other caregivers, but part of me wonders if this isn’t more of the information overload that has become part of normal life. Like, when we were kids, teachers only talked to your parents outside of regular conferences if there was something really egregious (because it required an actual phone call). Now, it’s relatively easy for a teacher to dash off an email about XYZ mildly disruptive or one-time thing in class. On one hand, it’s great to have more communication. On the other hand, now you feel like you need to do something about your child correcting the teacher in class, when… you’re not there. It’s especially tough with an ADHD kid for whom in-the-moment feedback is by far the most effective tool.
All that to say, hugs. There will always be something. Kids learn social and self-regulation skills at different speeds, but if you’re being consistent with expectations and loving, they’ll get there. Similar to what others have said above, my kids have outgrown so many incredibly frustrating behaviors already that it gives me hope they’ll outgrow more of them in the future.
Anonymous says
I definitely think teachers are too quick to involve parents in classroom management issues. Sorry, but managing the classroom is the teacher’s job, not the parent’s. As you say, I am not there!
Anonymous says
I was the one who posted the other day about an ADHD older sibling and part of my question (though I didn’t phrase it well) was, how do I not pathologize a younger kid who is just… being a kid.. when I’m used to looking at things through the lens of “emotional dysregulation’ and “sensory seeking” etc.
I don’t know the answers, but I feel that much of this thread verbalized what I was trying to get at. It’s hard. But I also know that had I been given support for my anxiety as a kid… my teenage and young adult years might have been happier. So there’s that too.
SC says
I do think there’s a tendency to pathologize perfectly normal behavior. But thinking about emotional regulation, sensory sensitivity, etc. has been very helpful for me and my child, whose behavior was far outside the range of normal.
Also, my husband has ADHD, and he will say that getting medication for it in 6th grade was life changing. I had several teachers flag anxiety and possible ADHD, and my parents felt like I was normal, I’d grow out of it, etc. I also might have been happier in high school and college if I’d actually had some therapy, and while I don’t need ADHD medication, learning some coping/ behavioral techniques earlier in life would have been helpful.
Anon says
The answer? Stop reading that stuff.
Flying with toddlers says
How do I fly with a newly 4 year old and an 18-month old? We’re flying 3 hours direct to Vermont, where my parents could pick us up from the airport with car seats for a week long stay. I’m pretty safety conservative. Do the kids near car seats for the plane? 18 month old will have her own seat, and she is very wiggly. Do we bring strollers to the airport or plan for my parents to bring? 4 year old is an average walker, so I’m thinking we could just do an umbrella stroller in the airport for 18 month old?
Anon says
Bring your umbrella stroller for 18 month old and check it at the gate. You are going to want it in the airport
Anon says
+1 for us the stroller wasn’t so much about helping with the distance walking, but more to have them locked down in the long line situations where they absolutely cannot be running around (waiting in line to check bags, waiting in security, waiting to board, etc). No judgement from me if you even think a double stroller is necessary for that for the 4 year old! I never felt like it was a huge advantage to bring a small/lightweight stroller, either way you are just leaving it at the plane door for them to bring down and getting right back at the same spot.
Anon says
Yes I’d bring an umbrella stroller (gate checked) for the younger one and have the older one walk.
I don’t think you need car seats for the plane. The risks are much lower than in cars. If you want to have the 18 month old secured in a car seat, the Cosco seats are cheap and lightweight.
Anon says
+1 to no car seat for the plane.
Anon says
I prefer to have a car seat on the plane. It’s much safer in the case of turbulence and will secure the wiggly 18 month old. 4yo is fine with plane seat belt. Second Cosco car seat.
Clementine says
I have basically done this exact trip but in reverse. I would put 18 month old on my back in a carrier (I would use a Tula) and have the 4 year old walk. If it’s you solo, consider checking a single larger bag and just bringing a diaper bag + 4 year old’s backpack on the plane.
I would personally bring a cheap, light plastic carseat for the little one (Evenflo Tribute is the one we have) and gate checking the stroller. Bring a bungee cord to attach the carseat to the stroller when you’re going through the airport. YOu’ll need to install the carseat for the 18 month old in the window seat, but it’ll be worth it because of the ‘I wanna be freeeee’ factor. If you’re flying into Albany or Burlington, I believe you can have parents meet you right at baggage claim so they can help you with your (single) checked bag.
When I have flown solo with kids, people have been so SO kind. Also, remember – it won’t last forever. Even if it’s a hellscape, it’ll be done in a few hours.
Anon says
You definitely want a stroller for an 18 month old in the airport. We used a yoyo that we always brought on the plane, but you can gate check whatever you have. We never used car seats on the plane at any age – my kids hated car seats, so it was never worth the hassle of lugging the seats through the airport. I am also looser about safety than many on this board (but totally normal compared to my friends in real life). Regardless, I can’t imagine using a car seat for a 4 year old in a plane.
Anon says
You can also see if one of the grandparents can get a gate pass to go thru security and meet you at the gate, if they have a stroller to bring in or you just really can’t manage getting them thru the airport walking alone!
And if the 18m has a seat, I am a big proponent of bringing the cosco car seat on board, so much nicer to strap them in versus all the wiggling, mess/crumb containment, and they may even take a nap.
anon says
Another vote for carseat for the 18-month-old so that she has a comfortable place to sit and is strapped in so can’t wiggle all over. Stroller will be helpful for getting through the airport, but have a plan for security where you’ll need to have the toddler out of the stroller and get it and the carseat (if you bring one) through the xray machine or checked by hand (this can take a while depending on how busy TSA is at the time). If you can put the toddler in a back carrier, the advantage there is that you can just wear her through security and she can’t flee while your back is turned.
Anonymous says
So, I am firmly team carseat on the plane (for both containment and “I know I will have it at my destination” purposes). Like, I did bring the carseat on the plane for my 5-year-old on a trip two weeks ago. She felt safe and comfortable and the flight went great.
In your shoes, I would 100% bring the carseat for the 18m old. You will need your hands (to get snacks, toys, set up big one’s tablet, etc)., so the kid needs to be contained. That carseat has to go in the window to not block egress in an emergency. You’ll probably want to be in the middle, then, to easily access both kids. You cannot put a carseat in the aisle for the 4-year-old, so I would skip that one (though maybe look into a CARES harness if that kid is particularly wiggly).
Someone suggested upthread bringing the stroller and bungee-cording the carseat to it, which is also my recommendation. Play around with the setup until you find something secure. My kiddo could sit strapped into a Chicco NextFit on top of an Uppababy G-luxe and that thing wasn’t going anywhere. (2 bungees, one on each side, running from the LATCH hooks in the rear-facing position to the opposite back stroller “post.” Bungees cross in an X.)
Boston Legal Eagle says
We did it, y’all! We hosted a 3.5 hour bday party for my 8 year old and 7 of his loud and active friends at a trampoline/bowling/arcades/ropes course place. No one was injured or upset and I am so proud of my kid for holding it together despite all the activity and stimulation. And the best part for the other parents was that it was a drop off (and a bar for those who stayed) ;)
Lots of praise for his second grade teacher. Wrangling 20 7-8 year olds all day is a skill I definitely don’t have.
Anon says
Yeah I love kids and am good at interacting with small groups but chaperoning field trips has convinced me k I could never be an elementary school teacher.
GCA says
Well done and congratulations on surviving :) Last year we did kid 1’s bday party at our house (in our 2br, ground-floor portion of our duplex and the backyard), and one major lesson we took from that was that kid birthday parties should consider having a quiet space for kids and grownups who might need it, however temporarily.
I was also impressed by the kids who were self-aware enough to recognize their own overstimulation and voluntarily take themselves out of the action for a few minutes. These are second-grade boys we’re talking about! This wouldn’t have been the case with second-graders in 1992, so I think millennial parenting is clearly going just fine.
anon says
Happy Monday! I just ran out of gas, for the first time in my life, in front of the turnoff for work and daycare. Easily remedied, but basically everyone I know saw my very distinctive car on the shoulder. Embarrassing but fixable mistakes FTW!
Anon says
Oh no! So annoying. Our car broke down yesterday and we’re scrambling to get a rental or loaner to get us an hour away for an anatomy scan tomorrow…of all the times.
Anonymous says
I have a gala for work tonight and realized when I walked into my office that I forgot to bring my dress. I had my shoes, bag, spanx, and shrug, just not the damn dress. I had to go all the way back home and then back in to the office (approx 2 hour delay).
Anon says
Hope any other Houston area readers were ok with Thursday’s storm. We were fortunately fine, but I still have a number of colleagues without power
Anon says
Hi – still no power, but we should get it back today. We installed a whole-house generator after the 2021 winter storm, and that thing has been working hard (and DH has been doing the requisite checking/maintenance). No major damage to our home, and all family members/friends in the area have made it out mostly OK.
I do know of one person who lost their house. Terrible.
Climate change sucks. I love this city, and we are rooted here with family/community, and I am worried what the next 10-20 years are going to do to the area. I know we’re not alone and the same can be said about most of the world at this point, but just my sentiment right now.
Anon says
Small 5th grade graduation gift ideas for a boy who I don’t know much about? My kindergartner has a 5th grade buddy who has been so great to him (buddy goes out of his way to say hi and “boo’d” my kiddo for Halloween even though that wasn’t part of his buddy responsibilities). I’d like to get him a small something as a thank you, but my kid doesn’t know his buddy’s interests.
FP says
A card from your kid and a small gift card to ice cream / Crumbl / other sweet treat place.
Anon says
Aww that’s so sweet (on both sides). I’d do Target gift card so he can pick whatever he likes.
Anon says
I think a gift card to a local ice cream shop would be a perfect for this situation. That’s so nice your kiddo has such a good role model to look up to.
Anonymous says
A card from your kiddo and a gift card to target or your local ice cream shop.
OP says
Thanks, all! Great ideas! Just what I was looking for.
Anon says
My daughter turns 1 in early July, and I’ve started getting asked for birthday present suggestions. Any ideas? I need more expensive ideas for the grandparents so they don’t buy a ton of gifts and stuff more in the $20 to $30 range for friends.
Clementine says
Outdoor toys. Nutcase helmet. Water table. Tricycle with a handle. Micro Mini scooter (yes, my kids love this from about 16 months on…). Kid sized picnic table. Deck Box (because you obviously need a place to store all these kid toys). Tuffo Muddy Buddy rain suits. Sidewalk chalk. Bubbles. Bubble machine. Lawn sprinkler. A backpack (all kids are secretly little squirrels and you go through the ‘I put things in a bag and that is how I play’ phase.
You won’t be able to control some people, so just get okay with throwing stuff away/giving it away early.
GCA says
Re putting things in a bag: we called kid 2 our little raccoon for precisely this reason. She could get into any unsecured container and start fishing out all the contents, and would also stash things away in various places!
Bubble machine was a massive hit when my kids were 1+. Also, a big set of magnatiles is a good grandparent gift as they are pricey, heavy and you get many years of use out of them.
Anon says
Play kitchen for the big item
Anonymous says
For the grandparents, a play kitchen if that’s something you want. The peak age for play kitchens is much younger than I initially assumed it to be. For everyone else, food for the play kitchen.
Anon says
$20-$30 gifts: size 3 soccer ball, Stomp Rocket, wood building blocks, doctor play set, dinner play set, board books, baby doll, tempera paint, brushes, roller sponges, toddler water bottle like Camelbak, bubble machine
$$$ gifts: water play table, convertible car seat, PBK hooded towel (will come back with more suggestions)
Anon says
play kitchen, water table, nugget are all bigger gifts. For less expensive items, doll stroller (oh how my twins loved pushing these once they could walk), shopping cart for said play kitchen, play food, little tikes slide (we got a ton of use out of this indoors), Y bike, pop up tent/castle, collapsible tunnel, some kind of farm/house/bus with fisher price little people
Anonymous says
The Target shopping cart is the cutest thing I have ever seen and has been a hit with all four kids to whom I’ve given it.
TheElms says
Magnatiles also would be a good bigger gift. 1 year olds can knock down things you build and by 18 months a lot of kids are starting to get the hang of stacking on their own. We also used them for a lot of 2D shapes on the floor. They are also one of our longest lasting toys and as kiddo gets older you can buy more to build bigger things. A Lovevery subscription would also be a good 1 year old gift. They have a lot of nice toys in the 1-2 year old sets and the books are the best for young toddlers because they have real pictures. A play table (for art / sensory activities) would also be a good bigger gift with a couple kid chairs. We have the Ikea flisat one and it is a great size and should last until 4/5 years old easily.
Anon says
i agree with magnatiles, but not if you have a kiddo who likes to put a lot of things in their mouth. i think they might be a better 2 year old gift, or a holiday gift around 1.5.
Anon says
$$$: Bike trailer for her to ride in (e.g. Burley Bee)
anon says
Driving to the beach next weekend with an 18 month old. What’s the best way to keep her occupied without screens? We’ve done a few drives and she either sleeps or gets bored and starts screaming. We listen to music she likes, give her books to play with, and a stuffed animal or two, but the books and animals are thrown quickly then she’s screaming for the rest of the trip. We already stop every hour or so.
Spirograph says
Assuming there are two adults involved in this trip, if she’s awake and screaming, one of you relocates to the back seat to sit with her. Or, you open the windows and crank up the music to drown it out.
anon says
We definitely did a scream-it-out approach to road trips at that age. The trip out was horrible (multiple hours of screaming, in spite of breaks, etc), the trip back was less horrible (maybe 45 min screaming?), and almost all road trips since have been easy.
Anon says
that is way too much stopping. you time it around naps. lots of snacks, like cheerios that require time to eat. go to the dollar store and get a new little toy or something for every 30 minutes of the drive. and yes, someone sits in the back seat and reads to her, plays with her, etc.
Anon says
Yeah this may be kid dependent but that seems like way too much stopping. At that age, a stop is just giving them a little taste of freedom and they’re so confused when they have to go back in the car. Minimize stops and only stop when adults need food or the bathroom or if you have to change a poop diaper.
Anon says
Plus 1. Granted, we are a road trip kind of family, but at that age, I would absolutely only stop to change a very gross diaper. We regularly drove 6 hours to my parents house without stopping, if there was no poop. When we did stop, I didn’t let the 18 month old out of the car — I would unbuckle, quick change in their carseat, buckle right back in. Getting them out to move around was a recipe for disaster. We also didn’t really try to entertain them all that much? Which I guess may have helped — maybe a podcast or two, but not really gearing music or conversation towards them. Perhaps a bit of benign neglect, but it seemed to work.
We have twins, and by the time they were 4, they had done two 15+ hour trips in one day with minimal stoppings, plus two 12 hour trips, and a ton of 6 hour trips. I don’t think we gave them a screen until 3, and they were fine.
anon says
We stop about everything 3 hours. Mostly because mom/dad need a break.
Kid is nearly 4 and we’ve been road tripping a few times a year since he was like 3 months.
Anon says
I had to do a 4 hour road trip solo when my daughter was 18 months. I had a huge basket of toys and books in the front passenger seat. I passed them back to her one at a time. She would play with each one for somewhere between 30 seconds and 10 minutes, drop it on the floor, start crying and then I would give her a new toy. Overall it went surprisingly well.
Pool hair says
Question for the moms who spend a lot of time in the pool, how do you keep your hair healthy and clean all summer?
My kid loves for us to get in the pool with him which I’m fine with, but my hair is going to suffer. It’s not colored or chemically treated but I generally follow cgm and try not to wash frequently. Other than a co wash, is there something out there specifically for post-pool hair.
Anonymous says
Ultra Swim
Spirograph says
+a million, signed, lifelong lap-swimmer.
Anonymous says
Get your hair wet with tap water before getting in the pool, and wash with Ultra Swim afterwards.
Anon says
I get in the pool but don’t put my head under.
Anon says
I have curly hair and try to avoid putting my head in unless it’s wash day. I’ll also push out a wash until after a pool trip.
Mary Moo Cow says
Take the time to get your hair wet at the pool shower before you get it in. I read once that hair is a sponge so if you soak it with tap water, it doesn’t have as much capacity to absorb chlorine. It seems to work for me. (Mine also isn’t colored.)
After the pool, I spray on Honest Co. Conditioning detangler. I have used So Cozy Swim Leave In spray on my kids before and after swimming, and it’s great for their hair, so I am going to try it myself this summer.
Anonymous says
We use the So Cozy spray on the kids, and it took the existing green out of their blond hair! I try to remember to spray both before and after.
Anon says
the other week someone posted something about a high back booster/seat belt positioner that folds up small that is good for travel. i recall it being about $199, but can’t remember what it was.
Anon says
Probably the hifold.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes. https://mifold.com/products/hifold
OP says
thanks!
Anon says
I guess I have $60 in rewards at PBK and affiliated brands that will expire in a couple days. What would you buy? We already have the hooded towel and duffel bag. Don’t need any more bedding stuff or room decor
Anon318 says
We have really liked the PBK bento boxes. They’ve held up for years to daily abuse and are dishwasher safe.
Anonymous says
You can use them at regular PB. I would buy extra sheets and pillowcases or the 100% cotton (not hydro cotton) towels. Otherwise the PBK luggage is cute and has laster longer than I thought it would. Or ridiculous holiday decor from PBK.