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Anon318 says
Shout out to everyone making it happen through the last week(s) of school – you are heroes! This week is kicking my behind, but there are only a few more days until the long weekend…
TL;DR the below: do you have a great process or system for reviewing the upcoming week’s schedule with your kid(s)? Please share!
As life gets busier with sports and extra-curriculars, I need to teach my oldest in particular to plan ahead to make sure he gets homework done and has enough down time during the week. I currently manage this for him, but I want to set him up for success as he approaches late elementary/middle school and responsibilities increase. He wants to play his sport all day every day and we have discussed how that can leave him too tired to perform well, too busy for friends, and crying before bed when he realizes he hasn’t finished homework. I think a visual schedule/planner would help him determine whether he is happy with the week’s balance. Does anyone have a calendar or planner they use that, ideally, he could take ownership of (instead of me) for this purpose? Thanks!
Anon2 says
I have an 8×11 (or so) weekly calendar pad from Amazon. Each Sunday I fill it out with the main activities we have each day, tear off the sheet and hang on the Fridge. (I include relevant school specials, like library and cello, for which we have to remember to bring things). Perhaps you could highlight your oldest son’s in a certain color, and on Sunday nights during dinner you could briefly review the week.
How old is son? My oldest is 8yo, and I do still have to give some general reminders like “you have baseball the next two nights, this might be a good day to finish your homework” but then I leave it to him to take the suggestion or not. I hope I’m planting seeds of thinking through his schedule.
Anon318 says
A weekly calendar pad sounds exactly like what I’m looking for – thanks for the suggestion! My son is 9 and I have been taking the same approach as you. It has worked well for the most part and I definitely don’t have a problem with those times he has had to learn the hard way that doing homework in the car on the way to school in the morning is not the most pleasant way to start the day! He is already talking about everything he wants to do in the fall and my OMG-is-it-summer-yet brain is thinking… that’s fine, but he’s going to have to start managing this calendar himself! :D
anon says
We have a magnetic dry erase one that hangs on the fridge. Got it on Amazon a while ago. I update it on Sunday night for the week. Everyone gets a dry erase marker color so kids know what to look for (i have 2 under 10). I include it all in mostly shorthand (it’s not that large, maybe 11×18?) but it keeps us sane. There’s a little section in the bottom where I add notes for things that are one-off and a few weeks out we don’t want to forget about (bday parties, tournaments, my work travel, etc). I’m all for tech to fix the world’s problems, but in this case simple was best.
Anonymous says
I think he’s too young for this and it’s your job to plan that balance for him and enforce it.
Anonymous says
In elementary school it is often best to require that homework be finished as soon as they get home, before they go outside to play.
Bean74 says
Time management was a hard thing for me to learn so I started teaching my son how to do this fairly early.
I got a calendar from Essential Calendar that has an entire season on it – our current one shows March 17 – the end of June. It took a little bit of upfront work on it from me – putting down the specials, which uniform to wear, early releases, days off, etc. It also has birthday parties, other special events, and swim practices on it.
The calendar itself is pretty big, and paper, so it’s easy to add things to it. It hangs in near our kitchen, so I can see it when making breakfast and use that time to talk about it with my son. I used this school year to train him to look at the calendar to find the information he needed for each day. He can also see what’s coming up so there aren’t too many surprises. He’ll comment, “Wow, Mom, we have A LOT going on this week!” which sets up discussions about how to make homework happen, energy levels, etc.
My paper planner is also always out and I’m constantly referring to it, so when the time comes for him to get his own planner I’ll include him when I sit down to do my weekly planning. (Usually Sunday afternoon.)
AwayEmily says
We have the Essential Calendar hanging near our kitchen as well! It’s been super helpful — I mark events, when one of us is out of town, etc. I love how huge it is and that it covers so much time.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We have the essential calendar too. I love seeing what’s coming up weeks and even months in advance. Older kid can read it now too – I’m going to try to get him more involved in making it in the fall.
Anonymous says
My oldest is 7, and the only thing that works atm is visual charts. So I have a piece of paper with a picture of: uniform, shoes, water bottle, snack on the door to the garage. 10 minutes before we need to leave, I get kiddo to the door and say “do you have all of these things?” He never does, but at least he has a visual cue of what to go look for. No advice re homework: our district “doesn’t do” homework, but if he has papers to correct or make up, we do it together after dinner.
Spirograph says
You have a couple different questions here.
Re: homework completion: I think the most important thing here is a routine. For example, my oldest (5th grade) bikes/walks home from school, and is expected to do his homework and a couple other chores first-thing. He hasn’t had much homework, and often finishes it in school, but the rule is that homework needs to be done before he goes back outside to play with the neighbors or starts playing video games or whatever. I check when I get home from work or whenever he announces he’s done, if I’m wfh. On the days that he has sports practice, departure time is later than the typical time it takes him to finish his homework, so no adjustment needed. If right after school doesn’t work for your family’s schedule, try to make it right after dinner or some other consistent time. Habits are powerful things.
Re: reviewing the schedule, I put it up on our magnetic weekly fridge calendar every week. We talk through it at dinner over the weekend, and mention any one-offs the night before at dinner, too. But it’s always right there for everyone to see. So like last week, my daughter had a chorus concert + dress rehearsal, which changed the logistics for some other activities, and we just all level-set on the revised plan. Her optional homework is due on Friday, and since she had dress rehearsal + regularly-scheduled activity immediately afterward on Thursday, we just talked earlier in the week about how she’d need to make sure it was all finished by Wednesday night.
anon says
We have a magnetic calendar for the front of our fridge. It’s a giant dry-erase magnetic sheet. Google holds our family’s master calendar, and on Sundays, I write all the week’s activities and times on the fridge calendar. My kids (9 and 14) look at it allll the time to see what’s going on. It is super simple, but the fact that it’s in their faces and not easy to ignore is what makes it work well. They now know what a busy week looks like. I have tried individual planners, but they tend to be out of sight/out of mind.
Cb says
The lazy genius has an episode on this and some sort of magnetic white board planner that seems useful.
Mary Moo Cow says
Good questions! And timely for me: I have a rising 4th grader, and I’ve heard from parents of 5th graders that 4th grade is the perfect year to start them thinking of time management because the work gets real, the extra curriculars intensify, and the stakes are still low enough that if they fail, they can bounce back.
We have a paper calendar (I create it on Shutterfly every December) hanging on the fridge. I write down birthday parties, early dismissal days, etc. — basically, family “need to know dates” and I talk about it over breakfast (better attention at this time of day.) During Sunday lunch or dinner I give an overview of the week; DH and the kids chime in with questions or comments. I give a reminder every morning, like “Good luck on your math test today!” or “Dentist today.” DD also has an academic planner that she is supposed to bring home every day, but teacher thinks its up to the kids to write down assignments and tests, and doesn’t remind the kids, so DD’s compliance is mixed. (FWIW, I think this is an unreasonable expectation in 3rd grade, and parents still get a newsletter with important dates, so I’ve put off really working on it until 4th grade.)
As for when to do homework and make sure it is done, ugh. I haven’t figured it out yet. We’ve had two kids and homework of varying degrees of difficulty since Kindergarten and I still haven’t figured it out. Ideally, daily homework is done pretty quickly when they get home from school, before TV time or playtime (they don’t go to aftercare.) More time consuming projects are done in small chunks over the week. Sometimes, though, we double up weekly homework on one night so we’re doing it the night after Scouts or gymnastics, or it just didn’t get done the night before.
Anonymous says
We have a three month calendar, which I love because you move each month up the sheet as you go and don’t have to constantly be re-writing things. It isn’t specifically for the kids since I do write in most things, but my oldest is welcome and encouraged to write things in too.
We’ve found it helpful with our family to sit down on Sunday to look at the week ahead, especially since I often work evenings and weekends. This is mostly for the adults and the 12 year old to actively plan, our younger kids mostly are there for informational purposes. So we look at when activities are, when I’m going to be home (so if they need help with something that they want me specifically to do, they know which nights it cam be done.), if there is a lot of evening activities on one day, we remind the oldest that they have have to unload the dishwasher before school. We don’t do a lot of homework reminding, because my middle schooler very rarely gets homework so I put it on her to track it.
Anon says
WWYD, youth travel sports edition – so feel free to scroll on by if not interested.
My son, age 9, tried out for our town’s very competitive travel soccer team in May 2023. Many of his good buddies made it, but he did not. The coach, who has coached my son in his rec league, suggested he work on a few specific skills, and also go to some neighboring town’s try outs, since he felt like my son got nervous and didn’t represent his skills accurately at the May 23 try out, to get ready for the May 24 try out. My son took the advice to heart, and spent all of last summer working on those skills. He then asked to go to a bunch of other try outs (we are in the burbs of Boston, so the next town is like a mile away), and to everyone’s shock, made a neighboring town’s team in Nov. 23. We had asked for some schedule details when he got the invite, but got nothing substantive in response — just that they would play some tournaments in the spring, and the majority of the season plays in the fall. We only had 24 hours to accept the invite, so we accepted, and my son has been faithfully attending winter clinics and spring practices with this team. However, despite hearing that there would be spring tournaments when we accepted the invite, his team hasn’t and won’t play any spring tournaments.
The try-outs for our town’s travel team are now coming up, and my son wants to try out again. Based on his improvement in performance that has been noticed in his rec league, there is a lot of chatter that he will make it if he tries out.
My husband is against him trying out at all. He thinks the other town’s team took a chance on him, and their very well-established coaching system and clinics are why he has improved so much. He thinks it’s poor form to be trained for a full year by a team, and never play a game with that team. He also thinks our town’s team plays way too many tournaments throughout the year.
I think he should try out and see what happens (but knowing that if he makes it, he’ll want to play for our town). The primary reason he’s on this other team was bc he wanted to get ready for this spring’s try out for our town’s team. He has spent a whole year working to try to make the town team, and all of his buddies are on this team. I don’t think he should be limited bc the team he is on now didn’t play tournaments in the spring (I also kind of think it’s crazy bc it will be full year between when he made the team and when he will play a game). He loves to play games, and the full year of extra practices have been good for him — but he wants to actually play games. Our town’s team has played like 6 tournaments this Spring, so it’s not like travel teams aren’t playing right now.
Additional information/biases — The bias I will admit is that I also know all the parents on our town’s team, and they are my good, close friends. My husband’s bias is that he’s a little bitter that my son didn’t make it last year, and thinks it’s a good thing for him to have a little separation from the rec team/school kids. My son’s bias is that the town’s team is a Big Deal in his school, and his current team is considered a competitor, so he gets razzed when he wears their gear to school (for instance). It will get harder and harder to make this team every year. Assume the travel/cost is not a factor for purposes of what we do next.
Anon2 says
At age 9, I would go with wherever he wants to play. A team “training” an 8/9 yo for a year means nothing, IMO. A kid that age wants to play games, not just practice, and it sounds like the other team was a disappointment in that way.
I’d let him try out for the town team without a second thought. No reason to be bitter he didn’t make it last year, he just wasn’t good enough yet. That happens in sports, and life.
NYCer says
Agreed. I would definitely let him try out for your town team.
Anon318 says
Ditto. Let him lead, find the fun, and remember that this is not a lifetime commitment. Good luck!
Anonymous says
That other team likely has tons of other similar kids who would want to sign up. I think it’s crazy they routinely operate a full year at a time at this age. Kids can change so much and may want to swap in other sports. Also, your kid is the one (at little 9 years old) who has to navigate all the friendships at school. Why make it hard if it doesn’t have to be?
Anonymous says
I am confused—if one team doesn’t play, why wouldn’t he switch to a team that does play?
Loyalty to a youth sports team is always misplaced. The adults and club owners are in it for themselves and will absolutely cut a kid who doesn’t help them achieve their goals. If a team doesn’t fit your child’s goals, you owe it to him to move him.
Anon says
At this point, regardless of whether he stays with current team or moves to the town team, the next season either team will play is the fall. Both teams will play tournaments in the fall. His current team just didn’t play in the spring, and he joined too late to play last fall’s season.
Anon says
+1 to this and much better said than I would have. Your son “owes” his current team a good attitude and attendance while he’s on the team. He doesn’t owe them any future time and they sure as heck aren’t guaranteeing him any future play time.
Colorado says
Try out for the town team, no question.
Spirograph says
+1 to the misplaced Loyalty point above.
I don’t understand how the seasons work with these two teams. Aren’t they on the same calendar?
Assuming both teams have a spring tryouts, your son should try out where he wants to play (both teams, if he’s cool with that), and he should play where he makes the team. If he makes both teams, he gets to pick which he prefers.
GCA says
There is probably some American Sports Culture element I’m missing by dint of not having grown up here, but here are all the factors I’m hearing:
1. Actual practice and playing time. Town team gets your kid playing sooner, in spring. And games is what he wants to do, not drills. Winner: town team.
2. Social – On your town team, you’d get to spend more time with both your friends (fellow team parents) and kid’s friends. Clear plus.
3. Prestige – Town’s team is prestigious. Is this subconsciously factoring into how you feel about it?
4. Husband’s feelings about rejection are possibly also coloring his loyalty towards other town’s team and his arguments about too many tournaments.
But… it’s youth sports. This isn’t the Mighty Ducks, it’s a reasonably low-stakes, real-world practical question. Your kid has worked hard to achieve a goal, it looks within reach, and he should go for it. I don’t think there’s anything to be lost by trying out for the town soccer team. If he makes it, he may be delighted and fulfilled by his time on the town soccer team. He may discover their style of coaching and team organization is not right for him. He may after a few years decide he loves theater, or crew, or some totally different time-consuming activity and just stick with rec. That is ok! For some kids, this particular travel team will be a major part of their lives for the next 9 years, and for many others, it won’t.
Anonymous says
He’s 9 and yet your husband is the bigger child. You and your kid are obviously right and he is wrong.
Anon says
Thanks all – helpful to hear the feedback. He did say he was “afraid to let down his team” if he left (but genuinely would vastly prefer to play with his buddies), and my husband feels weird that the team he’s on is presumably counting on him to play in the fall, so I guess I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to move if those factors should be weighed more heavily.
Anonymous says
He’s 9? They will just play someone else. Even Liverpool would cope if Saleh got traded.
GCA says
Teams are in flux all the time! Families move, kids change their minds about priorities (especially at that age), etc. so I think the organizers are totally used to players falling off the roster and other players coming on.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Curious where you are. If you’re in metro west, we might be in the same town as my town also has a huge soccer culture. But I agree that he should go for the town – he will make friends there that will carry into middle school. If you don’t let the competitiveness get to you, town sports are a great way to build community and it’s so nice to see everyone cheer everyone on both teams (intramural that is).
Anonymous says
I’m in the Boston suburbs. Are we talking BAYS or a different town travel program?
Fwiw I’d let him try out for the town travel orgoram. See if he makes it. Then discuss. I’d lean toward sticking with the town team if you are talking Town A Travel vs Town B travel.
In my town, all teams starting in 3rd play travel BAYS; it’s just a matter of which team. The kerfuffle here is who does BAYS vs club (eg, FC stars or whatever)
Anon says
I enjoyed yesterday‘s discussion about social media and how it makes millennial parenting harder. One other thing that I noticed is that so many parenting influencers seem to be really intent on making you worry about stuff that you didn’t know you were supposed to be worried about. I’ve literally seen posts on Instagram asking “is it safe to give little kids oranges??” and then after you click through three slides of fluff, the answer is yes. I honestly think this is contributing to parental anxiety for those who do use social media. Other things are presented as safety musts when really they might just be things that are recommended depending on your circumstances.
Anon says
Agreed. I followed a lot of parenting influencers when my baby was small and it really fed into my PPA. I understand that there are some good things to share – safe sleep, the basics of car seat placement, some general rules about food. But a lot of it turns into intense fearmongering because it sells – “Are you scared of XYZ? Bad things will happen to your children unless you buy my expensive online “course””. I muted a lot of it and it really helped me be a more chilled out parent and trust my instinct.
anon says
100 percent agree. I had my first kid in 2009, the second in 2014. The amount of social media hysteria has multiplied SIGNIFICANTLY from 2009 until now. I consider myself a fairly skeptical person, pretty good at sorting the wheat from the chaff, and even I have fallen prey to some of this content. I guarantee it would’ve been even worse if I’d had this content during the infant years. I am now very, very selective of which parenting accounts I follow. Most of this stuff is not science- or fact-based in the least.
anon says
Should say “infant and toddler years.”
Cb says
So true! And it’s not systemic things that we should all be worrying about and rallying for change, like road safety, pollution, gun violence, etc. Instead, it just says wrap your child in cotton wool, retreat to your home, and cut grapes into quarters.
GCA says
Can’t make a profit from systemic change.. :-/
Anon says
Haha totally agree. But also, you really should cut grapes into quarters for little kids. That one isn’t nonsense.
Anonymous says
I am the one who posted yesterday that the challenges of modern parenting are caused by the breakdown of the social contract and a retreat to extreme individualism. Cb’s comment illustrates exactly what I meant.
Anon says
Feeling this acutely lately
Anon says
I had to get off IG for this very reason. It really fed into my anxiety and made me worry about things that should NOT be such a big deal.
Anon says
I quit all social media in summer 2020, when my first child was a newborn. I no longer have IG parenting influencers in my life, or clickbait/ragebait tweets, or old-man-shouting-at-clouds FB posts, and I believe this has directly and substantially improved my mental health and resulted in a much less stressful parenting experience.
Anon says
I have IG and FB but have never followed any parenting influencers or “experts.” I don’t think it’s that hard to avoid if you make an intentional decision not to consume this content, even if you use social media.
Anon says
Do we have any medical professionals on here who know anything about Miralax for kids? My 9 year old was really backed up and the gastroenterologist prescribed a 2 day clean out 2 weeks ago, and then a capful of Miralax a day for a month, with a reduced dose afterwards. I just read a bunch of info about the risks of Miralax though – I left a message to discuss with the nurse but in the meantime, curious if anyone knows about this.
Anonymous says
For two of my kids (the third hasn’t needed it so far) the benefits of Miralax outweighed the risk. Keep in mind that your child may end up needing to use Miralax for even longer if you don’t follow the gastro’s instructions.
Anon says
Not a medical professional, but in the US at least Miralax is still very widely prescribed and considered safe. I don’t believe any studies have ever found a link with neurological problems. There are alternatives though. We used Lactulose because Miralax wasn’t effective for my kid. So maybe you could get that instead if it makes you more comfortable.
Anonymous says
I am not a medical professional but talked about this extensively with my dr friend (and my own ped). One of my daughters used Miralax for literally years and both my ped and friend were very comfortable with it, as they said some kids just developmentally need it to help their GI tract move things along. Sure enough right around when my kid turned 4 we didn’t really need it anymore. Hopefully your 9 year old can taper off eventually soon too.
anon says
what are the risks? My son has been on miralax for a year but we’re weaning him off now.
Anonymous says
Listen to your doctor and not the internet. You don’t want a kid to be dependent on Miralax but if they are having major constipation issues, and you just do the clear out and not the follow through, you won’t fix the issue. Bowels can stretch and it needs time to resize. That’s actually a shorter period than we were recommended (clean up + 2 months reduced dose and then 1 month step down to nil).
FWIW I’m known amongst my IRL friends as hippie adjacent but while probiotics etc are super important, they are not a substitute for this protocol. The reduced dose and step down period are also when you build habits like drinking enough water, eating enough fibre, and sitting for 5-10 minutes about 30 mins after a meal to avoid withholding that causes issues. Miralax prevents them from holding too long.
Anon says
For what it’s worth, our ped suggested miralax for my kid but we had a hard time getting the right dose and I eventually gave up and tried using fiber gummies; 4 years later, a daily fiber gummy and we’ve had no problem. He actually has a fairly high fiber diet (for a kid) but this seems to have solved his trouble. Doctor said it was less invasive than miralax and so to keep going. Just in case you want to experiment with a different option!
Anon says
Be careful what you read online about Miralax. Some of it is coming from antivaxx circles (there was PEG in some of the COVID vaccines so things got really crazy with the conspiracy theories).
The protocols are designed to minimize the minor risks, and it’s recommended when the risks of not using it outweigh the risks of using it.
Anon says
I don’t know about kids, but I was told that it was safe for me to take daily pretty much forever. I was surprised by that but it’s apparently true a far as I could tell. Some of the concerns around using it are because sometimes needing it is a sign of a serious health problem.
sf says
we’ve battled with constipation with our kiddo for years. we’ve done miralax, ex-lax, calm gummies, GIs, pediatric pelvic floor :)
the clean out is a must if it’s severe – if you don’t start there, you’re just wasting time. But also don’t be afraid to try something new if it doesn’t seem like it’s working for your kid. it also can change over time. ex-lax used to do nothing, now it’s exactly what he needs a few times a week.
Anonymous says
Trigger Warning for miscarriage.
3 weeks ago I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks, it happened naturally and bleeding stopped after 10 days, it was confirmed by a scan at hospital. I’m still getting some pelvic pain which is general aches and twinges below the knicker line. I presume this is ‘normal’? I had a lot of similar pains when first pregnant and I know the internet says it’s your uterus changing so this is it going back I guess? Not in the US so options are either emergency appointment with GP or wait 3 weeks for a standard appointment and I guess I’m just looking for reassurance it’s normal to still feel aches after a few weeks. Not told any friends in real life so I feel I’m relying on Dr Google. I’ve no other ongoing symptoms or problems.
Anon says
I sadly have a lot of experience with this topic. I’ve had 3 MCs and every time it takes a while (one or two months in my case) to get back to “normal”. I wouldn’t worry too much about twinges. My doctor’s instructions were to come back if I had substantial bleeding, dizziness, sudden headaches, swelling, or anything else unusual, but that some general discomfort is to be expected.
Hugs, OP. It’s really tough and the mental effects came in waves for months after the physical stuff was resolved. I saw a therapist who specialized in perinatal loss and it helped. I have a healthy baby girl now. Take good care of yourself.
Anon says
I definitely did feel some twinges and aches too. It took a while for things to settle. I’m sorry for your loss.
Anon says
Today (second to last day of school) was a free dress day for my kids and I forgot. I don’t think all kids did it but pretty sure my first grader is going to be mad at me. May is tough on parents! That is all.
Anon says
After preschool, I let my kids know that it’s their job to remember these days if they want to participate (and there’s a million of them at our school — bring a stuffie or pillow for read in day, school spirit week, etc.). My older daughter didn’t bring in a stuffie for a special event once in Kindergarten, and was really, really sad about it — so she commits these days to memory, and makes sure she is on top of bringing whatever or dressing like whatever. My son doesn’t care as much, so either ignores the day, or if it matters to him (wear your favorite sports jersey, for instance), he’ll write himself a note to remember. I regret nothing. I really try to be pretty hands off in elementary school, as failure is low or no risk mostly!
anon says
+1 remembering this kind of thing is an excellent chore for an elementary-age child.
Anon says
Yep, your first grader can be mad at himself! A natural consequence with big benefits for parents
Anon says
+1 we happily handed off responsibility for this to our kid at the start of K.
But I’m sorry OP. In pre-K they didn’t tell the kids directly; only the parents. We forgot once and our kid was sad and I felt very guilty.
Also totally feel you on the month of May being overloaded.
Mary Moo Cow says
Thank goodness, we don’t have any spirit days for the last two weeks of school. But a friend at a different school mentioned they have a spirit day every day for the last MONTH of school. That’s triple b bananas to me.
Anon says
Our school does an ABC countdown the last 26 days of school (and I’ve heard of many others doing it, too). About half are just stuff they do at school, like Dance party day and Ice pop day. The other days my kids gather their own stuff. I do not buy extra stuff or bother myself beyond reading them the day off the calendar. I’d say about half the kids participate so it’s not a big deal to opt out.
Per yesterday’s “huge pressure that will mess up your life” thread, this is not one of those things. Choose to hand off to the kids and make as low stress as possible
anon says
SAME! Reading, MA, per chance? Today is ice pop day.
Anon says
Ha we are in CT but today is also ice pop day for us!
Anon says
Why do kids act out in class? My nephew is 13 and is a sweet kid, smart, athletic, and an avid reader. His parents are teachers and are involved and supportive parents. But he has been in detention and suspended multiple times over the past two years. He has ADHD and depression, is gay in a red county, lives in a community that had a school shooting recently, and has an older sister who gets a lot of attention. I suppose any one of those things would be difficult for a person. But given how his parents do not tolerate their own students who act out, he is the last person I would expect to get in trouble at school.
Anonymous says
Really? With those descriptors I’d be shocked if he wasn’t getting detentions. He’s probably getting teased and the ADHD causes him to react impulsively. And in middle school you don’t want to be the kid who rats out the cool kids so you don’t complain that they called you names and just shrug and say ‘you don’t know’ when you’re asked why you hit this kid or that kid, and then you land detention.
Punishment isn’t the answer, they (as in his parents) need to look at what specifically he is getting detentions for and then problem solve ways to deal better in those situations. This kid’s coping tool box is clearly empty and he needs the adults in his life to help him fill it.
Spirograph says
Um. Your question contained all the answers. He’s hurting, he’s not making rational decisions about his behavior in class. I hope the adults in his life help him get the support and love he needs so he has the energy to focus on learning.
Anonymous says
+1. The original post is bizarre
anon says
+2
I’m not sure where we got the idea that being “good parents” means a kid is never going to get in trouble.
Anon says
To be fair, getting regularly detentions and suspensions is a lot more extreme than “never getting in trouble.”
I don’t think the parents are to blame, but this is much deeper than normal teenage boundary-testing.
GCA says
+1 million. The question that should really be asked is not ‘why do kids act out’ but ‘how can I as an aunt best support him’.
OP says
Sorry I wrote my initial post in a rush and didn’t clarify or add more context. My nephew is clearly struggling, as any person would in his situation – I didn’t even add Covid lockdown to the list above. He is going to therapy and receiving treatment for depression. I care about him and want to show up for him as a supportive aunt. I was wondering if his acting out in class is to get attention, a cry for help, to upset his parents, to defy authority figures who have not protected him from these things, all or none of the above. I suppose we would not know without asking him, and he may not even know why he does it. And it doesn’t matter because the focus should be that he is struggling, not that he is getting in trouble at school. Apologies for the clumsy post, you can ignore it.
Anonymous says
Kids in these situations are very rarely trying to upset their parents. They don’t engage in manipulative behavior like that. He’s not punching little Johnny or swearing at his teacher to make his dad upset.
Middle school is rough. It’s rougher again if you have ADHD. It’s rougher beyond that if you have depression. It’s rougher beyond that if you are gay. It’s rougher beyond that if you are gay in a red state vs a blue city where there are more supports.
GCA says
We figured it was something like that. You’re obviously coming from a place of love. Are you near enough to spend quality time with him? As a tween/ teen I loved when I got to hang out with my aunt, who is 7y younger than my mom and was definitely the cool aunt I could confide in.
And, it’s a little extreme, but is moving an option? We’ve been getting a lot of families moving here to MN from neighboring states or other red states for a more structurally supportive environment for their LGBTQ+ children.
Anonymous says
Hi op, thanks for clarifying; your question makes a lot more sense now! Agree with others that showing up as a supportive aunt that he can confide in might be all you can do. Or if you’re comfortable/close enough with your sibling, talk to him/her and ask if there’s anything you can do.
anon says
“He has ADHD and depression, is gay in a red county, lives in a community that had a school shooting recently, and has an older sister who gets a lot of attention.”
……………..that’s why. Add parents that “do not tolerate” children who act out, i mean… how are they responding to his individualized needs and clear cries for help/attention/belonging?
Anon says
A lot of sweet, smart, avid readers with ADHD really have a hard time with school, even aside from the additional safety factors you mentioned. I wonder if suspension is really a disincentive.
Jonathan Mooney may be someone to look up about school and ADHD. He has some books and some talks on YouTube.
Anon says
Just found out I’ll be sandwiched in between my kids (6.5, 3.5) on a ~3 hour road trip. Survival tips? Ways to find joy? I feel like it’s going to be endless switching of books/sticker books and picking stuff off the floor for 3.5 year old.
Saving the tablets for the destination (relatives’ house that has a soon-to-be-college-aged kid).
Anonymous says
Audio books, new books to read, I spy, snacks, tic tac toe
anon says
I assume you’re bringing an extra adult who has to have the front seat? Can you shuffle carseats/boosters so you’re not in the middle?
Anonymous says
This is a gross one but… how did you teach your kids to wipe themselves well after the bathroom? Are they using wet wipes? We were trying to stick with toilet paper so we can dispose in the toilet but it’s not working so far.
Anon says
I repeat over and over. My 6.5-year-old still hasn’t “mastered” this. My SIL said she’d have to remind my nephew through middle school…
Anon says
How old? Kids normally potty train well before they can reliably wipe. I think we did about a year of just doing the wiping ourselves, followed by a year of spot checks where kiddo wiped and we double checked. It got progressively better and then we stopped checking.
Anon says
There is a really good video of a teacher doing a lesson on this, the students had balloons taped to their butts. We watched that a lot as a family when our kid was learning.
Anonymous says
Keep reminding the kid to wipe until they can’t see anything on the toilet paper. Do spot checks, pay attention to their underwear too. I have a baby too so it doesn’t seem as gross anymore at the end of the day. I mean at school they’re wiping themselves for TK on, so you don’t have full control.