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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 177 Comments · by

Maternity Monday: Lace Maternity Dress

Maternity· Recent Recs

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A woman wearing a Lace Maternity DressIngrid & Isabel’s popular shirred maternity dress has pretty much always been available, certainly since I was pregnant, and is still available today. This is a nice holiday take on that style, and while lace can be less accessible for an office environment, this would be great if you need something for holiday parties, and in a subdued color with a cardigan over it, you could even make it work to expand your work wardrobe while you’re pregnant. It’s really affordable as well — $98 at Nordstrom — and you can wear it to baby showers, parties, and so forth. It comes in nine (!) colors and patterns and is hand washable (i.e., possibly safe for the hand-wash cycle on your machine). Ingrid & Isabel Lace Maternity Dress Psst: Amazon’s Black Friday deal of the day for toys is on games and puzzles from Ravensburger — including the game Bugs in the Kitchen, which my 6yo likes a bunch. This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines.

Sales of note for 9.10.24

(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)

Kid/Family Sales

  • Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
  • Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
  • J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
  • Old Navy – 40% off everything
  • Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs

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Comments

  1. Stroller Recommendations? says

    I’m looking for a stroller recommendation (or ones to avoid!). I need to bring it on the DC metro at rush hour, so a small footprint is the most important quality. I’d also like it to be able to hold us with daily use (1/2 mile from home to metro station, and about 1/4 mile from metro to daycare) – many of the smaller strollers are marketed for ‘traveling,’ so I don’t have faith that they can hold up to daily use. It’s fine if it can only be used for ages 6 months and up.

    • AIMS says

      I have a Summer Infant 3D light that I use on the subway and am pretty happy with, but I would say that you may want to look for something with a bigger basket if you have to schlep a lot of stuff with you.

      • CLMom says

        I have this same stroller, but added a clip on stroller organizer for additional storage, and I place the diaper bag around the handles.
        The thing I dislike the most is it is not freestanding. I do like the shoulder strap. It has survived two cross-country trips and a one mile hike (like on dirt and rocks and stuff a stroller should not do). I prefer it to our travel system stroller. I adjusted to the vertical, rather than horizontal, handle bars.

    • Cb says

      The babyzen yoyo seems pretty popular in london and Paris and is very small. I have a citymini but after all that deliberation, have only used it twice.

    • Anon in NYC says

      We have the Bugaboo Bee and it’s great for daily city life. This was the smallest “travel system” stroller available when we were looking for a stroller. It’s very lightweight – almost as light as an umbrella stroller – but it is definitely bigger/sturdier than an umbrella stroller. I have the Bee 3 version (I think they’re up to version 5 now). I There are downsides (small undercarriage, it doesn’t stand up on its own when folded), but 2.5 years later I still think it was a great purchase. The weight limit is on the low side (like, 38 lbs).

      One that I’ve see around me is the Babyzen Yoyo+ — it’s similar in that you can attach a car seat — but it also has a lower weight limit. The Yoyo folds incredibly small, which is amazing.

      For our umbrella/getting to daycare stroller we got the GB Pockit. I was tempted to get the Yoyo, but it was too similar to our Bee to really make it worth it (and it was expensive). The Pockit is completely fine — it doesn’t have a lot of shock protection in the wheels (I definitely wouldn’t walk to walk much over 1/2 mile with it), and the shade is anemic at best, but it folds really small so it is great for taking it into restaurants or tight spaces. It has a higher weight limit than the Yoyo (high 40s/low 50s) so we felt like we would be able to get more use out of it (some kids want to walk all the time, but my daughter is more than happy to have someone push her around).

    • Anonymous says

      I would do the Britax b-agile in case you have to carry it at all (while holding the baby). How young will baby be when you start commuting? A little one will need one that reclines flat (or almost flat). My coworker had good luck with a Maclaren for years of metro commuting.

      • anon says

        We live in NYC and used our B-Agile daily in all weather until my son grew out of it. Maclarens and G-Lites are also very popular in the city. Frankly I would have picked something smaller/lighter than the B-Agile (umbrella stroller) if we had to go up/down stairs more but we were primarily walking – every pound counts on stairs! I don’t know if there are any small, light strollers with large baskets – it seems like you can have one or the other. But I’ve been out of the market for 5 years.

      • Blueberry says

        Haha, to each their own! I was just going to recommend the UppaBaby G-Luxe. That was the primary stroller I used when I lived in the city, and it’s light enough to carry up stairs and has a small footprint.

        • TTC vent says

          I just find it so difficult to collapse that it has brought me near tears with frustration more than once. I do agree that it’s very light and compact, and it has a great canopy. I just can’t get past the stupid push two buttons plus pull the trigger collapse mechanism.

          • bluefield says

            It doesn’t need to be simultaneous – I think you can pull the ring up and then push the two buttons in? Or vice versa.

          • legally brunette says

            Ha, I think my husband thought that I was the biggest idiot in the world because I had SUCH A HARD TIME collapsing that stroller! One evening I did it over and over again (like literally 40 times) and I finally figured it out.

    • bluefield says

      I used the McLaren Mark 2 for a daily bus commute and it was fantastic. 7 lbs and easy to fold, and folds flat. Good balance (my main problem with the G-Luxe is that it tips if you hang like one thing off the handlebars. When I was shopping I asked the store manager about the Summer Infant and he told me that it was cheaper than the Mark 2 but not as well made, and would show its wear quickly with daily use.

  2. Anon says

    We have the Nunna Mix and absolutely love it. It is expensive but worth it. Nuna Tavo is cheaper and smaller but you can not have the baby facing you which should be fine since you want to use it for 6 months and up.

  3. Anon says

    What is the best place to sell/trade our baby’s used Nuna Pippa car seat?

    • bluefield says

      I’ve never sold a big item, but I’ve bought big items from my local parents listserve, craigslist, and facebook marketplace.

    • Momata says

      I would be surprised if any store would take a carseat. I think they are unable to certify their safety. I would CL or hop on your local mom’s group or marketplace.

      • Turtle says

        My local mom’s group bans trades/sales of car seats for that exact reason. Same is true for our local moderated yardsale site on FB.

    • Anon in NYC says

      I believe Babies R Us and Target have car seat trade-in events — they’ll take your used car seat and give you a coupon to use for a purchase towards something else.

  4. AIMS says

    I’m not wild about this dress or about lace on maternity dresses in general. I feel like even nicer brands use super cheap materials on their maternity stuff and lace and the like just rarely looks great (and lace at a baby shower??). Also, maybe I’m cheap, but I don’t think $98 is “really affordable” for a dress with minimal usage (lace) and a short shelf life (maternity). Maybe I’m just cranky today. Wishing I could just go back to bed….

    • rosie says

      Agree. I got 2 dresses, Pea in the Pod brand from Macy’s–one black, one navy/tan print–and got a lot of mileage out of them as it was easy to dress them up or down. I think I got them on sale so it cost less than $98 for the two.

  5. Cb says

    Is it worth splurging on a cot mattress or should I just get the Ikea cheapy? Baby Cb will be out of his bednest by Christmas and someone gave me an Ikea cot but I need a mattress.

    • GCA says

      If your cot will eventually be converted to a toddler bed, invest in a mattress that baby will take to! We had some trouble with the toddler bed because (well, partly because) we had a terrible mattress. Plasticky, cheap mattress = hot, sweaty toddler who hated his bed.

    • anon says

      Do IKEA cribs have weird sizes? Check the dimensions.

      As a counterpoint, I like our plastic-covered mattress because of frequent puke, pee, and other fluid issues, and my son–now 5 and still sleeping on it–doesn’t seem to care. We do have a waterproof mattress pad as well. I am also glad I got a foam mattress because it is light and easy to pick up, which makes getting the sheets on easier.

    • Marilla says

      We have an Ikea mattress in our daughter’s crib (we got one of the fluffier thicker ones, not the cheapest one) and it seems super comfy and she’s happy with it. (She’s now 2 and has been sleeping on it since about 6 months?)

    • NewMomAnon says

      I bought a nice crib mattress because I was super paranoid about “chemicals” (ahh, marketing to new moms). It was a Naturepedic with a waterproof exterior and had one hard side for infants, and one (slightly) softer side for toddlers. In retrospect, I think it was too hard; kiddo hated her crib, and I think she would have been happier with a softer mattress or with a soft mattress cover. She now has a softer big kid mattress with a soft cover and sleeps like a dream.

      Which is all to say – your kid will decide whether your mattress decision is right or wrong, and you have no control over it. If I had to do it again, I’d go cheap on crib mattress so I would be able to swap it out if kiddo didn’t like it.

    • PregLawyer says

      I got a nice mattress for the 2.5 year old when he moved to the big boy bed. Because I now lay in there with him on occasion, I’m really glad we splurged for the nicer mattress. We just put a soft washable waterproof crib pad on it (soft on top, waterproof lining underneath) and that does the trick.

  6. Anon in NYC says

    Guys, I feel like such a bad parent. I forgot to send part of my daughter’s lunch to school with her today. I think she’ll be fine (they provide an afternoon snack), but I feel terrible. Sigh.

    • Anon says

      She’ll be fine. Kids can survive without eating a meal – think of all the times she has refused to eat something at home. Teach her how to own a mistake with grace, and show her how you reacted to that. Voila, mistake=teaching moment=great parent.

    • anon says

      They probably have backup food available too – you can’t be the first person ever to forget.

    • NewMomAnon says

      I bet your daycare will find something to give your kiddo – afternoon snack foods for lunch, or something they keep in reserve.

      Another thought, if you instead want to feel like a rock star mom; can you send a lunch via food delivery service? I know if I had a hamburger and fries delivered for kiddo, she would be over the moon.

    • legally brunette says

      Definitely call the school and let them know. I did this twice and both times the director ran out and bought my son a grilled cheese sandwich. :) Also ask if they have back up food like bread and peanut butter.

    • Anon in NYC says

      Thanks, all – they have backup food, and we have an emergency stash of snacks so she’ll be fine (if a little angry) at pickup!

  7. Ashley says

    Recommendations for comfy, late-in-pregnancy clothes? Specifically roll-panel or under-belly yoga/active pants and tops that are long enough to cover the big belly. I mostly work from home, so I am not looking to impress. Just to look decent picking my kids up from school and the like. This is not my first pregnancy, but other babies were due in the summer, so I wore loose cotton dresses at this stage. Going crazy with pants with waistbands in the cooler weather, and most of my tops are now too tight/short. Also, since I have 8 more weeks, I am not looking to spend a ton. Thanks!

      • AwayEmily says

        Ditto. I’m wearing some Target maternity yoga pants right now. Their t-shirts are also pretty long — size up for extra length.

    • AIMS says

      I just got some maternity leggings from Uniqlo and they are so soft and comfy!

    • Anonymous says

      I lived in a long black maxi dress at the end of my pregnancy. Maternity tights or leggings if it was cold when I went outside and a cozy cardigan.

    • Anonanonanon says

      I got a gap maternity striped tunic top in black and white and am in love with it. Much thicker than I expected, soft, room for belly, covers my booty so I can wear with leggings, flattering, highly recommend!! I think it’ll still be flattering postpartum as well.

  8. Anon says

    Advice – I just returned to work. My daughter is one. When I was at home, I did the household work (cooking, cleaning, 95% of baby care, etc.) and I had a reasonable schedule going with time for myself. Now that I’m back at work, it’s a huge adjustment. But I am now doing the same household work as before (including all daycare drop-offs and pickups and spending all but 2 hours with baby on weekend). I’m at a loss at how to bring this up with my husband without losing it completely. I feel like every waking hour is spent doing things for others (work, baby, household) and I am very resentful of him for not stepping up now that I’m back at work. He’s also out of town 75% of the time, so there is that to contend with as well. I’ve brought it up, but I’m not sure I’m communicating in the best way. He needs to do more – that I know. But I need help with what to say. Thanks!

    • Anon in NYC says

      “Husband, I’ve realized that I can’t do all of the things that I used to do around the house, like X, and Y, and Z, now that I’ve returned to work. I need you to start handling Y and Z. If you can’t do Y or Z because of your travel schedule, we need to reallocate money in our budget so that we can pay someone to do those things for us. I’m becoming very unhappy and resentful that so much of the burden is falling on me. I realize that you’re not a mind reader, but we need to work together to come up with a solution to this problem.”

    • Marilla says

      This was me too. It’s still a struggle. I have to repeatedly remind/ask him to take on pieces of the house work. Little by little it’s becoming more natural again and he’s doing things without being asked, but it’s a process and he still gets very defensive if he thinks I’m going to criticize him for doing less housework. It also doesn’t help that I downgraded my cleaning help to save money.. if you have the spare money outsource whatever you can in terms of the cleaning. And lower your standards for cooking if it makes your life easier. Grilled cheese and frozen veggies =a totally acceptable toddler dinner.

    • TTC vent says

      For us, it helped to be really explicit about who was “on” with the baby at any given time on the weekends. I asked him to check in with me before he headed out to the gym or to do yardwork or whatever so I would have an idea of when he would be back and available. It also gave me an opportunity to say, “Can I just shower first?” or ask him to be done in an an hour. And I do the same for him. This took us a lot of practice but was key to me not stewing in rage all the time feeling abandoned with baby.

      • Marilla says

        I saw this recommendation here (be clear about who’s on duty/when we both are) and have implemented it and found it helpful.

      • anon says

        And schedule time for each of you on the weekend, with clear expectations! We each get a morning to sleep in, but I had to be very clear that it meant I could be awake and lounge in bed ALONE (he thought that sleeping in meant he could pop the baby in bed with me as long as I was awake). Two hours, when you’re doing it alone 3/4 of the time, is not a lot of time to recharge.

        • Anonymous says

          yeah, we had to switch it to basically – stay out of the master bedroom until after 11am. That was legit the only way DH understood the line I was drawing. He takes his clothes when he gets up with the kids and locks the bedroom door behind him (nosy toddlers).

    • Anonymous says

      Someone posted on the main group on Friday with a similar set up. Might be worth having a look at that post. I think her DH did all the prep cooking for the week and all the laundry for the week when he was home on weekends.

      Just say, “I’m back to work now and we need to rework the household duties balance. Let’s talk on day, time. Here’s my list of all the tasks that need to be done. Please add any I’ve missed and let’s sit down and discuss which half you will do and which half I will do. “

    • NYC Girl says

      I recently read “How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids” and it was extremely useful in learning to balance chores/responsibilities with my husband (it also has improved our relationship 100%). Highly recommend.

    • FTMinFL says

      My husband responded really well when I framed the issue this way: “DH, I am really struggling. I am overwhelmed with all that I have to juggle now that I’m back at work. Can we sit down and figure out a solution to this problem? I want us to be a healthy and happy family, and I can’t be healthy and happy in this current arrangement.” With the issue framed as “I can’t do this” instead of “you’re not doing enough”, he felt like he got to swoop in and save the day. I’m sure you’ve noticed this, but he just didn’t realize everything that I was doing or that there was an issue. Be sure to be open to his ideas for solutions – you want a sustainable arrangement for BOTH of you.

    • H says

      You really just need to talk to him. He’s not a mindreader and might not even realize you are struggling.

      Anecdata – my mom NEVER brought up anything to either my dad or my sibling or me. If she needed help, which she probably did, she never asked and thus never got it.

      • Wow says

        + 1 This is my sister’s situation. She never asks and therefore her husband never helps. I get so ragey on her behalf but she doesn’t want to fight the battle and she says that since she’s a stay at home mom it’s her job to do all the housework, cleaning, cooking.

        Definitely talk about it, I like the way others have framed the conversation.

    • rosie says

      I am in the same boat. Just returned, baby is 6 mos. In the process of talking to my spouse about it. Did you have a decent division of labor before baby? We did, to some extent, so we are going to try to work to get back to that, since I picked up a lot of his chores around the house while I was on leave. I just talked to him yesterday about needing more of a break on weekends.

    • CPA Lady says

      Ask for everything you want. EVERYTHING. The sky is the limit. Don’t just ask for him to pick up his socks. Ask for him to take ownership of xyz realm of your communal life, whether or not he’s traveling (you can order groceries from a hotel room, etc). And ask him to do all the daycare pick ups and drop offs while he’s at home. And ask for 2 nights a week where you can go out and do whatever you want to do alone. And ask for the occasional weekend day where you do the same. Ask for so many thing that you’re almost embarrassed. You don’t have to do this all in one fell swoop if it feels like too much, but do it gradually once he gets used to each new thing. When my husband is home (he also travels 75% of the time), he does more than I do. I feel weird and guilty, but I do literally everything most of the time, so I just shove the guilt down and move on to doing something fun. There is no way it’s going to be “fair”, because with that much traveling, its not possible, but it can be so much better than it is right now, I promise.

      I was a silent martyr stewing in rage for half of 2016 and the beginning of 2017. Wanna know how great that worked out for me? I was miserable and hated my husband. The minute I asked for everything I wanted, I got it all. It helps that my husband is the person who makes it happen at work while other people sit around waiting for someone else to do whatever needs to be done. It makes him so mad. Once I put it into those terms that I was that person doing everything at home while he was sitting around waiting for it to be done, a light-bulb went off. That was our first conversation– him grasping the problem.

      Our next conversation was me handing off the entire realm of food to him. All shopping, all meal planning, all cooking all meals when we’re together. When he’s out of town I cook, but he still does the planning and shopping, which is a huge load off my mind. This second conversation made me go from angry to not angry. Third conversation was asking for the things I wanted (time to myself, blah blah blah) to make my life go from not angry to actually happy. I’m happy because I get to do all the fun stuff and because I see that my happiness makes him happy. And he’s willing to do what it takes.

      • Anonymous says

        A good friend who’s DH travels a lot (like 30%) has him do 100% of pick ups and drop offs when he is in town. It’s only fair because she does 100% when he isn’t plus solo mornings and bedtime routine when he’s away.

  9. bluefield says

    Is there money to outsource? You could have someone come once a week or once every other week to clean and do laundry, which should free up some time. Have your husband handle at least one daycare handoff (either pickup or drop off, or both) when he’s home – you shouldn’t be doing that all by yourself.

  10. Cribs says

    How the heck do I pick out a crib? I don’t need a convertible, although they’re hard to avoid. I want a mattress that can be adjusted vertically. I don’t want dark brown wood – leaning toward white or gray. Ideally it’s available on Babies R Us or Target for registry purposes, but not required.

    So.Overwhelmed. by all the choices (for the crib and basically all baby gear in general). Thoughts or recommendations?

    • Marilla says

      Ikea Ikea Ikea! Cheap and totally works exactly as well as all the expensive ones.

      • NewMomAnon says

        Yes to Ikea – it has two height settings for the mattress. Also smaller end to end and side to side than most cribs, even though it has the same interior space. Ours came in white, black and gray and maybe a wood tone that I didn’t want. The side can come off to convert it to a toddler bed, but not convertible to big kid bed.

      • AwayEmily says

        Yeah, Ikea cribs are great. Good quality, a reasonable selection, and can be turned into a toddler bed.

    • Anonymous says

      I went with white (classic) and looked for rounded corners to avoid head bonks while still picking something with a modern feel.

    • FTMinFL says

      Do you know where it will go in the room? Figure out max dimensions then pick the look you like! All cribs on the market today are safe, so this particular choice comes down to personal preference.

      FWIW, we bought a crib that fit our dimensions and aesthetic through OfferUp (never used and only 10% of retail!) and it has survived two babies beautifully.

    • Anonanonanon says

      I’m not even getting a crib this time around (splurging on a very nice travel crib instead) because with my first, by the time I took him out of the pack n play and moved him into his (expensive) crib, he was in it for just a few months before he could climb all the way out. Once I converted it to a toddler bed he slept everywhere BUT the bed, adn we moved to a floor bed instead.

      IF I end up needed one this time, will definitely go Ikea. I really regret the amount of money I spent on a crib with the first.

    • AIMS says

      We went with a Babyletto. I liked the aesthetics, the fact that it was on the “green” side, felt really sturdy, and was neither crazy expensive nor so cheap that it felt flimsy/like it might not last long. Also, the fact that it came with the toddler bed conversion kit included. It’s been almost 2 years and going strong! White with pale wood legs, but lots of styles available. I fully expect to be able to use it with second baby, so very happy with the choice we made and I think it’s available at Target though we got ours on Amazon.
      Also: we had an issue putting together the first one we received – mostly our fault – and the company immediately sent us a replacement, so very happy w/their customer service, too.

      • Pogo says

        +1 love our babyletto. Kiddo was in the bassinet in your room for 8 weeks, and since then he sleeps and naps in the crib, so it will see a lot of use.

    • JP says

      We are both short and got the Kendall low profile crib in white from PB Kids. It was about $400 on sale and has been great (now the kid is climbing so the mattress is lowered all the way). I also like that it has a plastic shield on the top so that when the baby gnaws the railing like a rabid beaver, she only eats BPA and not paint chips.

      • anon says

        We have a used Kendall we got from a neighborhood email list for free. It’s fine.

    • 2 Cents says

      We registered for this one from BBRU: Sorelle Berkley Classic 4-in-1 Convertible Crib – Grey

    • October says

      We love our Delta Children nursery furniture. Our crib is white and non-convertible and was only like $150. We also have a dresser and changing table and all are holding up great, about to be passed on to our second baby.

  11. Anonanonanon says

    I am really struggling today with the fact that, despite the fact I have a partner who truly does 50% of the household/child-rearing/mental labor needed to keep our family going, having another child is never EVER going to be fair to me because biology/society.
    There’s a big work thing coming up 3 or 4 weeks after I give birth. Bless him, he said he’d take off work, come bring the baby, stay in the hotel with me so I could breastfeed (if I chose to breastfeed), arrange childcare for our older child, etc. so I could go. However, I had to point out that I will be on short-term disability and literally am not allowed to go. Also, flabby uterus, still bleeding, probably leaking everywhere, etc. It was sweet of him to offer, but I’m also irritated by how much he truly doesn’t get what I’m going to be going through (he’s not the biological father of my first).
    No matter how much they want to help, men at least have the OPTION of popping in for a few days a couple of weeks after a baby is born without leaking blood and milk everywhere. They aren’t labeled literally “disabled” by childbirth. They don’t have to breastfeed. No one assumes they’re taking 12 straight weeks off to care for a child. No one immediately goes “oh he’s not available for that project, it happens 6 weeks after his baby is due!” No one asks him “are you really going to come back after the baby is born?”
    I’ve shed a lot of “IT’S NOT FAIR” tears to myself lately. There’s no answer or solution to it, a lot of it is literally biology, but it’s frustrating to know that it can’t ever be “fair”.

    • Anon says

      there have been a bunch of posts on this topic on this site over the past few weeks, so I’d encourage you to go back and take a look. you are right – it isn’t fair! As I’m sure you will teach your children one day, sometimes life isn’t fair and it sucks and there is nothing you can do about it. Two things to think about: (1) you clearly chose a wonderful partner in life who seems to want to do what he can to make it as fair as possible and (2) you like/care about your job enough that you even wish you could go to this work event. so many people are unhappy in their professional careers, but you clearly do something that you enjoy and are excited about!

      hang in there!

    • PregLawyer says

      Yes, you’re right.

      But, counterpoint: men don’t ever get to experience being pregnant, growing a human, nursing their own child, etc. I’m not saying that any unfair perceptions about pregnant and post-partum women are neutralized by that. But even if we somehow end up being a perfect society that gets a handle on this stuff and makes life and work more manageable for mothers, women will still have this wonderful thing that men will never be able to experience.

      • anon says

        Counterpoint again, just because I think it needs to be said for those who can’t get pregnant/don’t want to be/didn’t feel that way:

        I did not enjoy being pregnant. I was nauseated and ended up with pre-eclampsia at the end. I found it creepy at best — and frequently painful — to have something moving inside of me. I did not enjoy nursing — even when it got easier I didn’t like always being in demand, always being touched, always having to get up in the middle of the night, always having to be awake for the morning feed, always having to be responsible for nearly a year for all of my baby’s food.

        I love my child dearly, I want another one, and I appreciate the parts that went smoothly (I never got uncomfortably big; no stranger ever touched me; I had a super easy recovery from an emergency c-section), but I have never felt that my experience with pregnancy, childbirth, or nursing was a wonderful thing.

        • avocado says

          Thank you for saying this. I hated being pregnant and throwing up for nine months straight. I thought it was weird to have another creature living and moving around inside of my body. Childbirth was the most tolerable part of the whole process mainly because it got the baby out of my body. I despised everything about nursing. Most of all it was the loss of not just my bodily intergrity but my very personhood for the 20 months or so between when I got pregnant and when my child weaned herself. None of it was wonderful, it was just the painful path I had to travel to have the wonderful daughter whom I love more than anyone or anything in the world.

          I also recognize that motherhood itself (not just pregnancy/childbirth/nursing) is not always all it’s cracked up to be. I often wonder what would have happened if my child hadn’t turned out to be the person she is and I hadn’t ended up loving her the way I do. In that case, I don’t think pregnancy/childbirth/nursing would have been worth it.

          • Rainbow Hair says

            Loss of my very personhood for 20 or so months… that’s why I’m not doing it again. I remember when Kiddo was a few months old I took her with me to the doctor and the front desk person was like “is the appointment for you or her?” and I was like “…is there a difference?”

        • PregLawyer says

          That’s all true. Pregnancy sucks a lot of the time, and it’s absolutely miserable for some. I’m just trying to find the silver lining.

          • Anonymous says

            You basically said what I would have. To each their own, but i loved pregnancy and nursing. I’d actually be surrogate if I could talk DH into being okay with it.

      • TTC vent says

        This is true. It sucks that we have to sacrifice SO much in pregnancy, breast-feeding and beyond*, but on the other hand I think it’s pretty cool that I built a little human with my own blood and bone and flesh and nurtured her to life and into the hilarious person she is now. Honestly, sometimes I’m like, damn this is magic and I am a sorceress.

        *I hope this doesn’t come off as discounting the suckage. I had a miserable pregnancy, horrible delivery complications, and a sleepless first year that I honestly think have me a bit of PTSD. I really, really get how much it sucks.

        • Rainbow Hair says

          I had a traumatic birth thing and really benefitted from talking about it with a therapist. I think we’re encouraged to discount trauma because it could be worse (you’re still here, so is the kid) but like… that doesn’t mean it wasn’t awful. Anyway, just in case you want some stranger on the internet to give you permission to talk about the whole thing with a therapist :)

    • Pogo says

      You’re right. Especially the part about being on STD at that point so you literally cannot work (I’ve posted about going into work a bit during my leave, but it was past the six week mark).

      I actually loved being pregnant and nursing is great now, but man. All the nasty stuff I had to google about my body in the last six months remind me that once again if men had to have babies the species would have died out long ago.

    • Blueberry says

      I continue to feel your pain. I made a comment along this vein to my husband the other day, which he sort of misinterpreted and reminded me that he’s made a lot of sacrifices for our family and for my career (which is totally true, and he’s awesome, but not the right moment, bud), which resulted in like half an hour of me sobbing later that night and him trying to tell me that wasn’t what he meant, and he understood that it’s more challenging for women for all of those reasons, and assuring me that I’m not going to lose all my momentum at work. He was right, but *sigh*.

    • Anonymous says

      It’s not fair at all. But there are so so many things in life that aren’t fair, pregnancy/childbirth is just one of them. If you’re the poster that posted a few days ago feeling down and frustrated about missing a big work event, it might be worthwhile to establish a relationship with a counsellor now. Having a lot of down feelings prior to birth can be a risk factor for PPD and having an established relationship with a counsellor might make it easier to seek help afterwards if you did develop PPD. Working with a counsellor now might also help you to do some CBT to reframe your current experiences so you can make the best of a situation that you are super frustrated with.

    • Boston Legal Eagle says

      I hear you. It really isn’t fair. My husband and I try to be equals in every way but this is one huge inequality in our parenting experience. And we can’t really change it. I do think we should start assuming that men will also take 12 weeks to care for babies, and it should be encouraged at work more. That won’t make up for the fact that men can’t ever deal with pregnancy and nursing, but it’s a start.

      I will say that for me, carrying a baby for nearly 42 weeks and giving birth has given me a self confidence that no work project ever has. Like, if I could do that, then I can do anything. And it’s made me acutely aware of how misplaced society’s values are. I don’t mean to negate anyone’s experience who wasn’t pregnant/hated pregnancy/etc., just want to share my experience of it. And I fully realize that a lot of my healthy pregnancy was just pure luck and that others aren’t so lucky.

  12. Pajama recs? says

    Favorite places to shop for warm winter pajamas for the kids? I’m trying to avoid flame retardants/synthetic fabrics but the regular cotton ones (that are about as thick as a t-shirt) are not warm enough. All I can find for flannel either is polyester or an acrylic blend. Help!

    • Frozen Peach says

      I’m not sure if these meet your fabric reqs, but I’ve been insanely happy with the cuteness/quality of Leveret pajamas on Amazon.

    • Blueberry says

      I’ve been looking at the Burt’s Bees ones — anyone have experience?

      The Hanna Andersson ones are great, but they cost an arm and a leg. Costco has good quality, organic cotton ones, if you’re a member.

      • Lilliet says

        Hanna Andersson PJs are totally worth the price. They hold up really well and are so soft–you can catch meaningful sales, buy one size too big, and then they last forever for you. And if you can’t hand them down, they have a great resell value.

      • NewMomAnon says

        I’ve gotten Hanna pj’s as low as $19 a pair on sale. One note; I would avoid the ones with darker base colors. The lighter color ones seem to be softer and don’t fade. The latest batch I ordered included one pair of dark purple with rainbows and one pair of white with hearts. The dark purple has already faded after 2 washings and hasn’t softened up the way the white pair has. But they are both great and will last kiddo at least a couple years, I think.

      • Pajama recs? says

        Do you find they are warm enough for winter in the northeast? I thought the Hanna pj’s were just the thin cotton kind.

        • NewMomAnon says

          They are a thicker knit – definitely thicker than Carter’s or Gap, but not sweatshirt material.

          But then, my house is only a few degrees cooler at night in winter than it is in summer, and I just put an extra blanket on kiddo. I guess if you’re cranking your thermostat down below 60 at night, you would need something heavier, in which case I would suggest the Lands Ends long underwear (or SmartWool long underwear, or similar).

    • anon says

      I don’t think you can find something that is not skin tight (which leaves out any fabric that is woven rather than knit, including flannel) and not flame retardant marketed as PJs for kids – I believe it’s against the law. You might have better luck looking for a thick cotton sweatsuit.

  13. IVF says

    DH and I are doing IVF and I’ve done stims for the last 10 days with the trigger shot tonight. Any tips? I got a handle on the injections, but doing this one in my b*tt is freaking me out a bit. Not to mention to progesterone shots I will need to do daily later. But we’re doing PGS testing, so we will be doing a frozen transfer in the next month or 2. Basically, advice for giving myself shots in the booty? (Or any tips for IVF in general…retrieval is on Wed. morning). Thanks!

    • rosie says

      Can your DH give you the shot? In our experience it was scary looking (the IM needle is so much longer than the sub-qs for stims) but didn’t hurt all that much. Did your clinic draw on you so you know the spot? Good luck!

    • JP says

      Let your husband do the b*tt one so you don’t have to see it. See if you have extra syringes to practice w saline so you feel more confident when you do the actual trigger. Warning: it hurts a decent amount afterwards. I had to give myself the progesterone shots in my thighs (t-rex arms made it impossible to do my b*tt and husband was traveling) and I was hobbling around for a week or two until my leg muscles got used to it.

      We did IVF w PGD. My main tip is that if you feel like you’re impatient to get to the transfer, ask if you can stay on birth control once you get your post-IVF period. This way, you can stop the BC immediately once you get the PGS results, get a period, and then start the estrogen to build up the lining as soon as possible. If you don’t, you could be stuck waiting an additional 3-4 weeks depending on where you were in your cycle when the genetic testing comes through.

    • Pogo says

      I don’t have shot tips since I used the progesterone suppositories (a different kind of fun!), and weirdly the one IM I had to do didn’t freak me out that much. I just took a deep breath and plunged it in, I think? I used a mirror so I could see what I was doing.

      I will say the 2-3 days before my retrieval I was more bloated and uncomfortable then any time during my pregnancy. I had complications (OHSS), but I would still expect to feel Not Great for a couple days. I think I took off the day of my actual retrieval but the other days that week I took it really easy.

    • PinkKeyboard says

      Have your husband do the trigger. I found that it helps to stand on the opposite leg and completely relax the side getting the shot. Literally draw a sharpie circle of the sweet spot if your clinic did not. You can google the location but it’s in the outside of your b*tt towards the top, like right where the cheek starts to curve. Tell him to go in with more force than he wants to, they tend to be pansies and not want to hurt you.. but it makes it worse. Tell him to look at this as good practice, as if it works you may end up on progesterone in oil and be getting shots every day or every other day!

    • Anon for this says

      My general advice for IMs, coming from my experience w/progesterone, is to ice the area first, have DH do the shot (for progesterone, the injection has to go pretty slowly, which kind of sucks), have him do a gentle massage over the area to disperse the oil, and then apply a heat pack. I found lying down on my side with my knees bent and as relaxed as possible helped. I had to do a few on my own due to travel and didn’t even bother trying anywhere but my outer thigh when it was just me, even though it was more sore after. Oh, and avoid looking at the needle when you’re not giving them to yourself. Too easy to psych yourself out. I also had a pact w/DH that anything I said in the moments leading up to the shot and during was not to be taken seriously-I had a tendency to refuse to be ready and then be pretty grumpy, even though my DH was surprisingly good at the injections. It was just part of my process. Weirdly, I was fine giving myself the stim shots and while I didn’t love the IMs on my own, did ok with them.

      For the actual retrieval, the procedure wasn’t that bad and I wasn’t in a lot of pain after, but I was really exhausted that day and the next. As well as really bloated and constipated-it was uncomfortable and I wish I’d asked in advance how to manage those reactions proactively.

      Good luck!

    • NewMomAnon says

      I don’t know if this is allowed with IVF shots, but try numbing the area with ice beforehand and then applying some, um, vibrations afterward…with an apparatus that vibrates…if you have one. I am a terrible chicken about shots, and my most favorite clinic did the numbing/vibrating protocol (with a special bee thing meant for kids, but same difference). It may have been a placebo, or just distracted me, but it helped.

    • S Anon says

      My advice is similar to PinkKeyboard — definitely stand on the opposite leg and keep the side getting the shot completely relaxed. I sort of leaned forward and supported myself on a counter or the bed. I iced the area for a minute or two before the injection (my dr. said that was fine). I made sure to go in quickly — just, really fast, jab it in like a dart. I found it didn’t hurt at all — I was scared because of the size of the needle, but it was not painful. I didn’t even feel it. I also thought that having a target drawn on the proper location (by a nurse or just by me) helped. I did it myself, because I have long arms and I like the idea of being in control of my shots. I would also give yourself plenty of time to prepare the syringe before the time of the trigger.

    • Twin Mom Anon says

      Seconding the advise about circling your target with a sharpie and using a mirror. I stood on one let and then leaned/half sat the other on the bathroom counter so I could see my target in the mirror and relax my leg at the same time. Also, ask your doctor about EMLA cream for your PIO shots. You put it on about an hour before your shot and it numbs the area up.

  14. Toilet paper stand says

    Does anyone have a toilet paper stand they love? I’m tired of wrangling ours. ideally this would go in the corner and be the kind that you can stack multiple rolls onto.

    • Clementine says

      Genuine question: Is it possible to love a toilet paper stand?

      I mean, I have many things in my house that are totally serviceable and fine, but I would never describe myself as loving… Like my toilet brush or the power strip I have in the office. Is this one of those things and you just order one that looks like it goes with your bathroom?

    • Toilet paper stand says

      I hope so. My beefs in the past have been– tips over easily, doesn’t actually hold that much toilet paper, pricey, collects dust or otherwise finish doesn’t hold up.

  15. Xmas gift help says

    Looking for a doll:

    1) Not Barbie or American Girl
    2) Not ridiculously expensive
    3) Has clothes that can be taken on and off– preferably with some additional clothes options.

    Buying for a kiddo who has recently become obsessed with dressing and undressing dolls and stuffed animals.

  16. Blueberry says

    Ugh, can the support staff at work please stop commenting about the fact that I’m still at work 2 weeks before my due date? I’m . . . sorry? I’m uncomfortable, but that’s my own problem. And I know how labor works: it’s very unlikely that I will give birth on the office floor. I know they mean well, but I am grumpy.

    • Frozen peach says

      They just can’t help themselves, bless their hearts. You are a rockstar. Almost there!

    • Anonanonanon says

      I think I read in “what to expect” my first pregnancy that only like 10% of women have their water break before they’re in the hospital (I could be making this up). Once I tell people that, they seem to feel a lot better about super pregnant women at work. Everyone seems horrified there’s going to just suddenly be amniotic fluid/a baby on the floor. I also remind them that it’s a news item for a reason when someone gives birth in a taxi or whatever, because IT’S RARE! people usually make it to their intended birthing destination! calm down everyone!

      Although this time around I’ve contemplated just sending instructions on how to help deliver a baby to my staff with “just in case!” in the body of the email to mess with them, but I know that’s wildly inappropriate.

      • Anony says

        My water broke while on a work errand at 40 weeks 5 days. Pack a “go” bag.

        • Anonanonanon says

          Don’t tell me this, that is my nightmare.

          Also, unrelated: the first time I gave birth I didn’t realize that it keeps coming out of you with each contraction after the initial “break”. I thought it broke then was done. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I was dumb, and they don’t show the continuous gushing in movies OK?!

          • Blueberry says

            Well, I’m on my third pregnancy, and I had to ask my OB a couple weeks ago about my irrational (?) fear that my pregnancy would break while I was in the swimming pool, and I wouldn’t realize! I guess it broke while I was very far along in labor with my other two, and I kind of did remember it as one big gush, probably because I was focused on other things.

          • Blueberry says

            Um, my water would break, not my pregnancy would break. That too though, I guess.

          • Anonanonanon says

            Oh no! Now I’ll worry about the shower! hahaha.
            I was pretty far into labour and there was definitely a big gush, but then some came out during subsequent contractions (I don’t remember if it was every contraction or just the next few?) and I was just horrified.
            I also don’t remember ever getting that “show” they always refer to.

            Also a very unofficial google source said 1 in 12 women have their water break before labor begins, so I’m sticking to my vaguely-remembered 10% number, even if it’s fake news.

          • NewMomAnon says

            For those concerned about not realizing their water has broken while in a pool: My water broke while laboring in the tub at the hospital – everyone in the room knew it. It was forceful enough to propel the water into a rather violent whirlpool (much like an aggressive fart underwater). I’m not sure if that is always the case, but let’s pretend it is.

          • biglawanon says

            My water broke as I was walking to get into a public pool. Gave birth to twins in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. My husband was out of town to boot.

        • Rainbow Hair says

          My water broke while I was on a date with my husband celebrating my last day of work. But even then, it was like “huhhhh I think my water broke?” and no child emerged for over 24 hours.

          • Anon in NYC says

            Mine broke at 41 weeks, at 4 am, the day before my scheduled induction.

    • NewMomAnon says

      I remember a guy asking me if he was going to have to deliver the baby in an elevator with me…I was 7 months pregnant…and I looked him in the eye and said, “I hope so; giving birth in the time it takes this elevator to reach the ground floor would be the best possible situation.” He stopped talking afterward.

  17. 36 Weeks says

    Is it normal to panic a little bit (or a lot) as your due date approaches? It’s like I literally just realized that within the next 4-5 weeks I have to give birth, recover, and then raise another human being forever. The other morning, while I was taking a shower, I found myself wishing that I wasn’t pregnant and DH and I could just run away to Italy and live happily ever after in the Tuscan countryside forever. I’m a very Type A, responsible, organized person, so this thinking like that isn’t like me at all. This was a very much wanted and tried-for pregnancy, so it’s surprising to me that I feel this way. Please tell me it goes away or gets better once the baby is here?

    • mascot says

      Normal. Also, there will be times as a parent that you will want to run away. That’s also normal. But, those moments are balanced out by the moments when you can’t think of any place else you’d rather be than right there with your child. Sometimes these moments can be within a span of 20 minutes from each other. Parenting is like that.

      • Anonanonanon says

        Yessss. In the early days, I remember it basically being “omg I need a break” when I was with my baby, then “omg is my baby OK I miss him” when I wasn’t. Sigh.

        • Rainbow Hair says

          Yes. I still am like, “oh my god will it EVER be bedtime?!” and then she’s in bed and I’m like “but I wish we could just hang out a little more…”

    • Anonymous says

      Yes. This is totally normal. Sometimes it will be amazing and sometimes you will want to run away to Italy with DH. Both are normal and okay.

      Also, you can still travel with baby. We went to Italy when kid was 18 months and again at 2.5 years and had a blast both times. Italy is super kid friendly. Post back if you ever want accommodate recommendations. It’s less museums and late dinners but kid learned to say ‘ciao’ to everyone which was super cute. Plus Italy still had amazing food at lunchtime. We kept kid on EST time zone so we could eat late and sleep in. Pretty common to see babies asleep in strollers at night in restaurants.

    • Boston Legal Eagle says

      Yep, totally normal. I freaked out about the actual delivery because how am I going to get a baby out of me?!? And what if he doesn’t sleep, what if he gets sick, what if, what if. I don’t think it ever really goes away, but I also don’t think there is really a way to prepare for parenting other than just doing it. It’s such a different experience from anything I’ve ever done before. You have to just trust that you and your partner will figure it out. And I wouldn’t expect you to feel like that yet!

      From personal experience, if you find your anxieties getting too overwhelming in the months after you have your baby, please get checked out for PPD/PPA. There are many treatments out there and they can make you feel so much better! And keep coming back here for support. This is a great community.

    • CPA Lady says

      Yep! Totally normal. I had a planned C, so I knew when I was going to have the baby. On my last free weekend before the day my kid was born, I went and did all the stuff I thought I wouldn’t get to do for a really long time, and then I cried a lot in sorrow and terror.

      My kid is 3 now, and I sometimes still have thoughts like “I wish I could run away to Italy [without my kid]”. It’s a never ending, sometimes crushing amount of responsibility that you can’t get out of for decades. It’s actually totally logical and responsible to be intimidated and to want to run away.

      The good news is, it’s also really really awesome too and totally worth in a way you will very soon understand. I used to think that moms who would get misty about someone about to have their fist kid were a little cray. Now I’m one of those people. I’m so excited for you! It’s going to be amazing.

    • Anon says

      i’m early in my pregnancy and feeling the same way! it took us a while to get pregnant and my heart ached every time i saw a baby or toddler or heard that someone else was pregnant. To get through that I tried to focus on all the positive things about not being pregnant or having a kid, but now i’m super nauseous and not really enjoying pregnancy and i’m petrified i’m not going to enjoy parenthood either. no more sleeping late, fewer nice vacations to europe, less spontaneity, etc. what if i break the kid or they have a lot of issues and turn into a serial killer, etc. i think i did too good a job convincing myself why it was good not to be pregnant…

    • NewMomAnon says

      Yep! I remember hitting 30 weeks and realizing that the only options for ejecting the baby were delivery or surgery and kinda freaking out. And be ready; there will likely come a point after baby is born when you find yourself grieving the life you used to have and the person you used to be. It’s OK to mourn that loss.

      And also – it gets better. Every 6 month anniversary I realize that life with kiddo is better than it was on the previous anniversary.

    • Anon says

      When I had been back at work after maternity for not very long, a well meaning co worker asked me if I could imagine life before my child. I said the right thing, oh no, of course not, he’s the best thing that’s every happened me, while simultaneously thinking, yes, I can remember when I could go home after work and take a nap. I remember doing things spontaneously. It was still too new at that point. Now, though, little one is almost 3 and i’m not as nostalgic for those times before he came along.

      It’s totally normal to feel nervous. A huge change is about to happen. But you’ll figure it out! And eventually you’ll get to your new normal.

  18. Anon says

    Going off of the post earlier: Talk to me about going back to work after having a baby. I’m a family law attorney in a very small firm in rural America. Less than 5 other attorneys in my office and none of them practice in my area. How realistic is it for me to try to go back into the office for an hour or two or do some work from home during the first 6 weeks? Basically to put out any fires and deal with emergency situations. Thoughts/experience/etc.???

    • HSAL says

      I’m in government, but the only person in my office who handles my type of cases, so a similar situation. A few hours of work from home a week will be doable. Going into the office will be so much more hassle than it’s worth for a couple hours. I kept up on emails which made me worry less about what was going on while I was out. BUT I do think it would be good to have someone get up to speed on your area. They don’t need to be perfect, but having someone deal with emergencies will make your life so much less stressful.

      • Anon in NYC says

        I agree – emails/working from home would be easier. In the first 6 weeks there’s not a lot of rhyme or reason to a newborn’s eating/sleeping schedule. I remember a growth spurt around 5 or 6 weeks that resulted in nursing every hour. But at the same time, there can be a decent amount of down time. I could have checked emails from my couch. I couldn’t have handled also having to schlep to my office.

    • mascot says

      Are you taking any sort of short term disability? Pretty sure that working during the period goes against the terms of the policy.
      Those first 6 weeks were rough. I didn’t have enough days where I was getting enough sleep or baby was being predictable enough that I would have felt comfortable doing much more than glancing at some emails. I certainly wouldn’t volunteer for “emergency duty” ahead of time because emergencies are always unpredictable and you don’t know how you will be feeling.

      • Cornellian says

        Definitely make sure you’re not messing with your insurance or FMLA requirements.

        If you have someone come over for those 3-4 hours a week (family, friend, even a mother’s helper), I think it should be doable. You will probably be getting 2 2-3 hour chunks of sleep a day, though, so I would really not do anything very demanding. Proofread everything.

        • Blueberry says

          Same re the STD or FMLA requirements — I have no idea. I wouldn’t volunteer for anything ahead of time, but most likely, if you can arrange childcare for those few hours, you’ll be physically able to do this, although it is hard to know ahead of time. I, under unusual circumstances in the professional world, went back to 9-5-ish work about 3 weeks after having a baby. Not recommended, and I wouldn’t say I was performing at the top of my game, but possible.

    • Blueberries says

      I was exhausted and wouldn’t have wanted to. Certainly, the lack of sleep isn’t good for performance. That said, if there were no other options and I had childcare, I could have worked that amount.

    • Anonanonanon says

      I had to go back to school a few hours a day to take the last class needed for my degree one week after I gave birth to my first and it was very miserable. I’d have to sneak out to the bathroom to manually express milk to keep from feeling like I was exploding, I was still bleeding everywhere, my uterus was still huge so I still had floppy slightly-pregnant-looking tummy, etc. It was doable and it was what needed to happen (he was born in the summer and that was the only time I could have family support to finish that class for my degree) but I would NOT recommend it if it can be avoided. The physical aspect more than the fatigue aspect was rough.

      Also, as someone else pointed out, in a lot of employment situations you’ll be on 6-8 weeks of short term disability after birth, and can’t return to work without a letter from your doctor and the other proper “return to work” documentation, so that’s something to look into.

    • SC says

      I think it largely depends on your individual experience, how your body bounces back, etc. I had a horrible, complicated pregnancy that included a month of bed rest. But my labor and delivery was easy, and I felt fine within a couple of days of birth. We had a tough first week because Baby was premature, and I had to nurse then pump, which took up 60% of the two-hour cycle, and we had daily weigh-ins at the doctor. Once Baby caught on to nursing, he really just ate and slept, and I felt fine. I was getting my hair cut, running out to the grocery store, etc., after about a week, and I went on an anniversary date with my husband around 4 or 5 weeks. I could have worked for a couple of hours during that time. Obviously, that’s not true for everyone.

  19. Redux says

    There is no right answer here so its unfair of me to be annoyed, but wtf with sahms “inviting” me to things during the work week? Your mom’s circle sounds lovely, like I really truly would like to be a part of it. But mid-morning on a weekday? This group is obviously not for working moms. I suppose it’s nice to be invited but it just underscores how exclusive of working moms this thing is and forces me to write you a thankful email explaining that I am at work at that time but would love to join some evening or weekend (which we both know you will never do). Arugh.

    • anon says

      Preach. Being a working mom can be really lonely and isolating, for this reason.

      • PregLawyer says

        Just counterpointing again (sorry! I do actually agree with everything said, just want to throw out a different perspective): during my brief stint as a SAHM after the birth of my first, I can say that being a SAHM is much more lonely and isolating than work. That’s why they plan all these classes and activities during the workday–there’s no other way to spend time with people, or to meet other SAHM friends. On the other hand, I have a number of working mother friends because they are just people that I work with, or know through work.

        I guess I’m just flagging that it can feel lonely and isolating on both sides.

    • Anonanonanon says

      Yesssss. On the flip side, in my experience at least, they’re always completely unwilling to do things on the weekends, because “that’s our family time”. IT IS FOR US TOO BUT THAT’S THE ONLY TIME I’M FREE CAROL SO ARE THESE KIDS PLAYING OR NOT

      You’re right though, be thankful for the invitation. I feel like once they grasp that yes, I truly do work all day Monday-Friday the invitations just completely stop. I wish it was easier to connect with the other working moms!

      • Redux says

        “that’s our family time,” really gets me. Like, not only do I feel guilty about not going on playdates/ mommy and me classes/ mom’s groups because I’m at work, but the implication that “family time” is not as sacred for me as it is for them is really hard to swallow with a straight face.

        • anon says

          +1. Which is pretty much why eight years into this working mom gig, my social life has dwindled to almost nothing. It’s gotten worse as my kids have gotten older, not better, because so many women have dropped out of the workforce or work very part time.

        • Anon SAHM says

          I’m a SAHM at the moment, and while I don’t think I’d ever say th words “that’s our family time” (and certainly wouldn’t imply anything negative about WAHM), we do typically reserve weekends for us as a family. Mostly, that’s because I’d rather hang out with my husband than anyone else, and I don’t get to see him much during the week (long hours are part of the reason I’m SAH). So hanging as a family, at home is what I truly *want* to be doing. And my husband sees people all week at work and job-related events and he also wants to just chill.

          And don’t think, either, that there are gaggles of SAHM who spend all week socializing… I feel like I’m surrounded by working moms. My neighborhood most days is empty. Any “mothers circle” I attend would be during the week, because that is when I need/want adult interaction and some way to entertain my kids that is free. I think in general motherhood can be lonely, however you spend your days.

          • Redux says

            So, I hear you, but also want to point out the very implication you are denying in your post:

            “I’d rather hang out with my husband than anyone else, and I don’t get to see him much during the week (long hours are part of the reason I’m SAH). So hanging as a family, at home is what I truly *want* to be doing.”

            The implication here is that I *don’t* prefer my husband to anyone else, or that I *don’t* want to hang with my family over other options. Do you hear it?

          • Anon says

            Yeah, I’m with Redux here – I can’t spend time with my husband mid-day on a Tuesday either because we both work outside the home. Neither SAHM or working moms get to hang out with their spouse during the week (assuming the spouse works, which would seem to follow since how could you both be at home) so we working moms *also* need weekends for Family Time. Nothing SAHM-mom specific about that.

          • Anon SAHM says

            Ok, I get it. And I appreciate you pointing that out. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m not making a value judgement on who you spend time with, or that not being with your family 24/7 means you love them less. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with spending time with friends, etc on weekends if that’s what you want to do and enjoy. I just would rather be with my husband. A different choice but not a morally “better” one.

      • GCA says

        +1000 omfg yes this. the ‘that’s our family time’ ALWAYS. GETS. ME. (Also, I work from home, so there’s a double whammy of people not entirely understanding that I do work full-time Monday to Friday.)

      • Mrs. Jones says

        LOL at the “Carol” vent, but also it’s sad because it’s true. And I can’t enroll son in karate because all the classes are at 4 pm on a weekday. Sigh.

    • Rainbow Hair says

      YUP! Also, I would love to do Parent and Me dance classes because my kiddo would die of joy, but things that take place from 10 to 11 on Tuesday mornings just aren’t in the mix.

      • Anonanonanon says

        yesss and the library does all sorts of cool stuff for preschoolers/homeschooled kids, but nothing on weekends! And I get that they probably don’t have the weekend staff, but it still stinks.

    • Cornellian says

      It is frustrating. I sort of wish there were like 7 AM weekday classes for “me and baby”, though, because lord knows he’s already up by then, and I could get some time in before work.

    • GCA says

      In this vein, has anyone tried the Peanut app? Did you actually find new working mom friends that way?

      • Redux says

        I had not heard of this until now! Sounds promising. I have also been telling myself that the easiest moms to be friends with are the moms at daycare (since presumably they work, too, and our kids know each other) but I have yet to invite any of them for coffee (though we have done park meetups).

  20. Rainbow Hair says

    Y’all, gender is so weird. My not-yet-three year old has been hassling me about piercing her ears (after her first requests I got her stick on earrings but they fall off and she says, “that’s because you won’t put a little hole in my ear, mama.”) and was begging for nail polish and like… what? Where does she get this? (I mean, the answer is daycare but she seems SO young for this stuff.)

  21. Anonymous says

    UGH A VENT.

    My husband is notoriously bad, and I mean REALLY REALLY bad at keeping up with friends and family. He doesn’t respond to texts or emails or whatever. He just doesn’t make it a priority. Usually, it doesn’t impact me b/c his issue, not mine. He is an introvert, and does a job where he is client facing all day long. He usually just seems to shut down and can’t handle more interactions outside of his job stuff. His friends give him a hard time for it, but sort of “accept” that’s how he is, it seems.

    UGH, but one of his super close friends held a Friendsgiving over the weekend — these are “his” friends, who I have become very close to over the years, and I consider my close friends as well at this point. I saw pics on FB, and was a little hurt that we hadn’t been invited. Oh, wait, turns out the friend emailed my husband to invite him, and HE NEVER RESPONDED. Ugh. Usually my husbands sends me invites like this so I can decide if I want to go, but he just forgot this time. I sent an email to the friend and his wife this morning, mostly because I was embarrassed he never even responded, and also to say how disappointed I was that we missed the fun. We didn’t have anything else going, and we even invited one of our mutual friends to do something else (the mutual friends were at the Friendsgiving, of course). Ugh, I feel ashamed and embarrassed, even though it wasn’t my fault. Again, I know it’s husband’s deal, but these people are my friends too — anything else I can do here to soothe feelings? I got a response from the husband, and it was short and curt (basically, yeah hope we see you guys sometime, we had fun). In the crush of the holidays (where clients and other obligations are overwhelming me and I don’t WANT to commit to anything else social), I can’t think of much else to do to fix this. Or do I just swallow my shame and hope the longevity of the relationship pulls it through?

    • NewMomAnon says

      Meh, probably a bigger deal to you than to them. If you really want to attend these things because you like the people, maybe you send a follow up e-mail saying something like, “As you’ve probably realized, [husband] isn’t so good at following up on e-mails; would you mind including me on future invites so I can RSVP for us? My e-mail is [ ]. I’m always worried what we’re missing….”

      • NewMomAnon says

        But then…I’m a huge introvert who goes radio silent on close friends once in a while.

    • mascot says

      Nothing’s broken here. If they are super close to your husband, they probably know that he flakes sometimes.
      Going forward, could you put the word out there that you are the social coordinator for the family unit? Yes, your husband is going to have step up sometimes, but the more charitable version of looking at this is having tasks assigned to the person that is better at performing them.

    • CPA Lady says

      Is there anything you’re already doing that you could invite them to? Even if they are unlikely to come, it could be a good olive branch.

    • Anonymous says

      Thank you to all of you for the resounding theme that this relationship isn’t broken, and I don’t need to shame spiral here. I have some other life events causing me anxiety, and I’m fixating on this. Third party feedback that neither of us are completely the worst is shockingly soothing right now.

    • Rainbow Hair says

      Oooh I know this feeling. I think everyone is right that you don’t need to do more to repair the friendship, and that you should consider inviting them to another thing down the line, but it’s not A Problem… but mostly I just wanted to say that I know the feeling, and it does suck. <3

  22. Anon4this says

    No advice but total commiseration. My husband is also an introvert and I accept that but sometimes I get so frustrated because I think he crosses the line into “rude” at times. Like, when we return to our hometown across the country twice a year, you need to call your closest friend and make an effort to go see him. I feel similar to you in that it feels like we miss out on social events sometimes because he either doesn’t prioritize them or he makes absolutely no effort to be social when we do go to an event. I get that it’s uncomfortable for him and I appreciate that he’s never going to be life of the party, but minimal effort to pretend to be interested in other human beings would be appreciated.

    • Anonymous says

      YES – agree! You don’t have to be Johnny Social Guy, but don’t be rude! I feel like he never quite gets the connection. Occasionally, he will mention he doesn’t feel as close to one guy or the other, and I don’t think he makes the connection that sometimes you have to instigate interaction. I appreciate the commiseration. I just hate that I feel like this one reflected on both of us, especially since we reached out to the mutual friends…

  23. twin mom says

    I did IVF with PGD and did progesterone shots for the frozen transfer. I didn’t do my own injections, so I can’t help with that, but I wanted to warn you about progesterone on the off chance you don’t react well to it.

    For most people it’s totally fine, but my body did not handle it well, and it was incredibly painful after injections. They offered to let me do the suppositories but I didn’t want to switch because it’s not supposed to be quite as effective (harder to get a read on the levels, I think). I was finally in so much pain from cumulative progesterone injections that I couldn’t really walk, and switched to suppositories. I wound up with a twin pregnancy that was very successful. Just something I think they should talk about more and I wish I had been more open to earlier!

    Good luck!

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