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Clementine says
Talk to me about schools.
My kid is 3 and we’re looking at schools for next year. The pickle is that he is a late fall birthday and in our area he could either go as the youngest or the oldest in his class. Academically, he is well suited to being the youngest. Socially, he may benefit from being the oldest.
Also, while most districts near us gave Pre-K programs, our district does not.
So here are our choices:
#1: fabulous Montessori school. Amazing teachers, he would be in a combined age classroom where he could be challenged while still having the benefit of being not the youngest. Cons- adds a 10 minute commute, expensive (but doable).
#2: Catholic school close to the house. Has a good reputation and is very close to our house. Con is that he would have to repeat the 3-k year he’s doing this year or jump into a class of 4 year olds. We are also not Catholic and I remember feeling very awkward in my Catholic elementary school. Similar price to what we pay at daycare now.
#3: PreK run through our current daycare and attempt to get a slot- preference goes to kids in the adjacent district (not ours) so it’s 50/50. Super convenient, he knows kids, but I have been a little frustrated with the program doing things like not taking the kids outside and shuffling them around excessively for ratio stuff. Same price as Catholic school and same problem with forcing him into a class where he is the youngest.
Anonymous says
1. And keep him there until he’s starting kindergarten at 5 (so, one of the older not the younger).
Anonymous says
I would go Montessori. That would allow you to postpone the “oldest in the class or youngest in the class?” decision for another year.
Anonymous says
I would definitely go for oldest in the class. My daughter is the youngest (mid Oct birthday), and many friends have winter birthdays. She finds it hard being 6 months + younger than many friends. It won’t matter much when she’s older but she finds it hard now. She’s top of class academically but sad that she’s the youngest.
DH and I were middle of the pack for birthdays in our schools and didn’t even notice this issue.
avocado says
As the mom of the youngest kid in the seventh grade, I will offer a different perspective. My daughter is exactly one year younger than her BFF, and as much as eighteen months younger than some of the kids who were redshirted. Last year, the majority of the kids in one of her classes were two grades ahead and three years older. Being the youngest has worked out well for her, both academically and socially. The only time she ever had difficulty with the age difference was in private kindergarten, when some of the kids figured out that she was only four and a half and teased her. That was just an awful class full of mean kids, though, and they would have figured out some other reason to pick on her anyway (nearly every kid in that class got teased for some reason or another). Once she hit public school, it was a non-issue. She prefers the company of kids who are her academic and social peers but just happen to be a year older, and gets along with them perfectly. She has also made friends with much older kids in some of her classes.
Holding her back just for the sake of not being the youngest would have been a disaster. She would have been even more bored in school, which would likely have led to the development of poor work habits, a negative attitude towards school, and possibly behavioral problems. Every kid is different, and some kids just need to start kindergarten a little earlier than others.
I was also one of the youngest in my class (birthday two weeks before the cutoff) and started college at 17.5, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I was so ready to leave the house by then, and can’t imagine how awfully stifling it would have been to have to live at home and attend high school until age 18 or 19.
Betty says
Unfortunately, with a birthday near or at the cut-off, a child is going to be either “young” or “old” for their class. And both scenarios come with their own challenges. Being young can be tough, but being the oldest also means that your child may be the first of his/her peers to get their licenses, turn 18 (with all privileges and obligations), may or may not hit puberty sooner than the rest. There is no way to have a crystal ball and see into the future. I would make the best decision for the child you have in front of you now, and trust that you will work out the challenges that come down the line, in whatever form they take.
Like Avocado, I was also one of the youngest in my class. I started college before turning 18, started law school before 24, and have done well. I would have been incredibly bored and beyond ready to leave home if I had been held back. Our daughter is also one of the youngest in her class, and we are fine with it.
NYCer says
Just another anecdote… I skipped a grade and have a late spring birthday (as in, I turned 17 a couple weeks after high school graduation), so I was by far the youngest in my class. I thrived academically and socially.
As for the original question, I would go with the Montessori school.
Anon says
I know the holding back thing is widely recommended, but I had a negative personal experience with it. I was on the bubble and my parents delayed starting me in kindergarten on the recommendation of preschool teachers – same thing, advanced academically, behind socially (shy mostly). I was bored out of my mind and ended up having behavioral issues in school due to how bored I was. I skipped second grade and everything was a lot better from then on. My oldest is a bubble birthday and will go early unless she’s academically unready.
avocado says
Another consideration–it is a lot easier to have a kid repeat kindergarten because starting early turned out to be a mistake than it is to get a kid skipped a grade if redshirting ended up being a mistake.
anon says
Starting a late fall birthday at 5 instead of 4 isn’t redshirting in most areas.
avocado says
It is redshirting if the cutoff is late fall and the kid’s birthday falls before the cutoff, which is the case for OP’s child.
Clementine says
It technically is redshirting. My area has really late cutoffs- like in December. My kid is a November baby and in most other states would be after the cutoff.
I’m not worried about the academic expectations… it’s more wishing I had a crystal ball.
Anon for this says
I’m a November baby. I started K at 4 in one district where I made the cutoff, then in 1st moved to another with an earlier cutoff. I placed out of K easily as was put into 1st despite being technically ahead. Academically, it was more than fine. I was bored all through elementary and middle even with that. It was also relatively fine socially (I just wasn’t the most socially graceful person but who is in middle school?). But. My parents decided to hold me back at 9th grade and have me repeat 9th for reasons (complicated and very unique to that situation) with social-emotional development being part of the reasoning and it was brutal. I wish they hadn’t done it even though there were some benefits and I ultimately loved my high school experience. But if they were going to hold me back, they should’ve done it in the beginning. Whatever you do, make the decision now. Don’t do what my parents did and delay. It was really awful and contributed to a pretty miserable year at an already really tough age. In retrospect, I think my parents could have proactively done a lot more to work on my social-emotional development outside of school during my middle school years through extracurriculars, etc. Leaving it til the last minute and then springing that decision on me was scarring. Clearly, as I’m unburdening myself on an anonymous internet site!
anon says
i wish there was a way to make this decision with a glimpse into the future. both my sister and DH’s sister were on the younger side in their classes and both my parents and my in-laws wish they had held them back. They seemed ready at age 4 to go to kindergarten, but by later elementary school/middle school it caught up with them. i also think it is hard to be the last one to drive, and then later on the last one to drink
Anonymous says
I too wish there was a crystal ball! My BIL was on the bubble, but his parents put him in K because they didn’t even think to red shirt him (not sure that was even a thing at that time). I think he feels pretty strongly that it was the wrong move for him – so much so that he red shirted his younger son who was also on the bubble.
anon says
I was one of the youngest in my class, and that was my experience. It wasn’t a big deal in the lower grades. But in upper elementary, when my peers were starting puberty and I was … not, it caused some issues socially. From probably fifth grade on, I felt out of step with my classmates even though I was fine academically. Given my experience, my September-born daughter will be doing an extra year of preschool and starting kindergarten a few weeks before her 6th birthday.
Anon says
Puberty is such a big range though?I was average age for my class year, but most girls got their periods between 11-13, I got mine at 15. Even comparing kids who were born the same month, there’s going to be so much variation in this stuff, it’s not like everyone does X at age 11 and Y at age 12. So I’m not sure that redshirting really has much impact.
New Here says
Agreed. And early bloomers can have just as awkward an experience as late bloomers. Getting your period or needing a bra (or the male equivalents?) way before everyone else – which might be more likely to happen if you’re the oldest in your class – can also cause social issues.
AnotherAnon says
#1. I’ve just been so pleased with our Montessori experience. It’s worth the extra $ and commute IMO. I would also go for oldest in the class. My mom “held back” my brother from first grade and it really gave her some time to evaluate/cater to his needs (she thought maybe he was dyslexic but he’s not) and he was much better socially for it. Good luck! These are hard decisions.
anon says
With a late fall birthday, I would strongly lean towards making him the oldest in our class. In our area, with lots of Sept 1st cutoffs, he wouldn’t even be eligible to start K until he was 5 going on 6. Given that people are holding back mid summer birthdays in many areas, he would easily be 18 months younger than some of his college classmates if he starts K at 4.
anon says
If it makes a difference, I would note that my DD started public K this year and I’ve been shocked at the expectations. Most of the kids are starting the year reading. The first week of school she was asked to write a story (“stretch out her words”), spending an hour or more at her desk working quietly. They also have quiet reading time where they are expected to sit and read silently to themselves for 30+ minute at a time, starting as soon as the first week of school. When I was in K we did a letter a week–her K is nothing like that. They have a list of sight words every week, starting on week 1. This week included “little” “should” and “through.” There is a lot of desk time and very high behavior expectations.
My DD started K as a very young 5 yo and the transition to K has caused her a significant amount of anxiety. Meltdowns. Sleepwalking. Rashes. Compulsive routines. It’s been rough. She is meeting and exceeding academic expectations, but being in K is taking a big toll on her. I think being a year older would really have helped.
AnotherAnon says
Yuck this sounds awful. Just curious where you live? I was a bit precocious but I think this would have given me anxiety too. I cannot imagine my son thriving in this environment, even though I think he is fairly intelligent – he’s just not on track to sit quietly for 30 minutes or understand “ough” phonetics at age 5.
Spirograph says
I’ve been shocked at K academic expectations too. The teachers do their best to keep the kids changing activities and moving around the classroom rather than sitting still for an extended period, but the learning objectives have just changed so much since I was in K. IMHO, 5 year olds need to play together to practice social skills way more than they need to learn sight words and math, but the curriculum designers didn’t ask me.
I would go with the Montessori program, if the cost and added commute time are truly not a burden. It seems to give you the most flexibility to observe and adapt before you make the Kindergarten decision.
Anonymous says
+1. My kindergartner is legit writing sentences. Which on the one hand seems awesome, but on the other, yikes – I know I wasn’t doing that in K. It’s a long full day for her and even though she is not a young 5 (April birthday), there have been moments where I wish I had red-shirted her. It’s a lot. Even for a smart, seemingly mature kid.
The other thing to consider is what is common in your area specifically, not just on this board. In my kid’s class, I figured she’d be a mid-packer, but she’s actually on the young side. When I went through school (35 years ago, in a different part of the country) that would have been unheard of. I was a fall birthday, started K at 4, and was far from the youngest. You definitely cannot compare the situations of current adults to kids these days.
Anon says
We were in the same situation to you (so much so that I wonder if you’re in my neighborhood!) and chose to do the Catholic preschool jump into 4yo preschool. It worked really well – there were some social challenges but nothing beyond typical preschooler behavior. This year in public K is also going really well although the public school is slightly behind the Catholic school, so the beginning of the school year was a little repeat/ boring for my kid, but it gave her time to catch up socially and she’s thriving now.
We’ll do the same for my current 3yo with an August birthday – go into the 4yo Catholic preschool and then send to public K after that. FWIW, mine have always played with the older kids at daycare and even in the 2s room, we could see they got bored/ restless when all the older kids moved to the next class.
Anonymous says
Please note my little is only one, so I might be WAY off base… however, what about when they want to play sports etc. later? In my experience (growing up / my sisters older children) there is less flexibility in terms of birthdates when I comes to signing the kids up for soccer, hockey etc. In general, kids have positive experience with sports when they are fun and having fun can largely be dictated by being able to play with his or her friends. I would imagine that it would be hard to be thrust onto a team with “older” kids who were more sophisticated socially than what the child iss used to / not his normal friends etc. which will make it hard to succeed and stick with it.
I know that obviously success in the classroom is much more important than the soccer field, but I personally had the experience that I learned A LOT more life skills from athletics than I did in high school which have allowed me success in later years [and I certainly don’t use the organic chemistry that I learned in high school!]. At a minimum I hope that a positive experience in sports will lead my child to a lifetime of physical activity.
I am definitely in the camp of start on time – and try to give your child the support he or she needs to keep up. (though husband and our siblings all have birthdays in July or earlier in the year so our experience with being the youngest is limited.)
avocado says
At least in our area, all non-school sports teams are based on age and/or skill level, not grade level. The kids on my daughter’s sports team range in age from 10 to 12, are in grades four through seven, go to several different schools, and compete in different age groups. They have a ton of fun together and are all good friends, even though none of them knew each other before joining the team. My daughter’s best sports friend has been on the team with her since they were both 7 years old and has been home-schooled that entire time. So it’s definitely possible to enjoy sports and have friends in sports even for a child who is younger than her grade-level peers.
Anonymous says
The sports that we’ve been involved with are done by age- soccer (birth year) and summer swim league (age as of June 1).
Anonymous says
If you delay, you’ll get to have your child at home with you longer. (Most days) that seems like a positive to me.
Butter says
There was recently a study out of Harvard that showed that students starting school younger are more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD. As with everything, take it with a grain of salt and do additional research, but personally I found it really interesting.
https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2018/11/when-starting-school-younger-children-are-more-likely-to-be-diagnosed-with-adhd-study-says/
Elle says
I say Montessori for the reasons everyone else has said (you can delay the decision regarding kindergarten, multi-age classroom, etc).
Legally Brunette says
I don’t have an opinion on oldest or youngest in class, but will add my vote for Montessori. My kids have been in one for the last 3 years (older child is doing his kindergarten year there). It’s amazing. My older son is very self-driven and is reading and doing math well ahead of his age. I’m amazed by what he does in that class. My younger is not as academically inclined but loves the art and music program, so there’s something for everyone.
anon says
I don know how to articulate everything that I am feeling, so I am going to put it all out here and hopefully get some clarity. Thank you for reading and indulging me.
MIL comes to visit from out of state every month for about a week and stays with us. We have no other family nearby, so this is a huge help with our two kids. However, it comes at a huge cost. Kid #1 is 4 years old and has MIL wrapped around her finger. Kid #1 becomes a different kid. She yells at me, does not listen to anything me or DH ask her to do. I think this is mostly bc MIL does not have consequences in the same way that DH and I do. MIL will redirect kid #1 when we are asking her to do something. Example, we ask kid #1 to use the potty before bed, she says no, we ask her again or she will lose one of her bedtime books, she throws a fit and starts screaming, MIL will bring her a super fun toy to play with. WTF!?
DH and I have worked out a pretty great system of good cop and bad cop and we always have a unified front and back each other up. MIL being there throws off our dynamic and I do not know how to reconfigure. We have talked to MIL about joining the unified front, but she does not seem to get it. I sincerely appreciate all that she does for us, but her visits have become such an emotional drain on all of us. DH has been great about talking to her about this stuff. I have had talks with her also. They are usually met with a lot of hurt and loving defensiveness, like – “I would never do anything to undermine you, I always want to do what you want..” It still isn’t working. I also tell kid that the rules are the same even when MIL is visiting and that her (kid’s) behavior is not acceptable. Even after MIL leaves, we usually have to have a big talk to get things back to normal. It is just too much!
Anon in NYC says
Do you or DH correct MIL in the moment? Like when she tries to bring Kid 1 a toy in the middle of a meltdown, do you/DH stop her and tell her that Kid 1 doesn’t get that toy right now? That might be more effective than talking to her after the fact.
In my experience with my in laws and parents, they just want their grandkids to always be happy. That’s obviously not realistic, but for them it’s mostly consequence free. They don’t have to deal with discipline or maintaining some semblance of routine because their lives are otherwise unaffected by an overtired, tantrum-y kid.
Anonymous says
She needs to not come so much then. You tried talking to her and it didn’t work.
Or have her not be around. “Bedtime is ours. Please stay downstairs and relax.”
anon says
One week a month of having your parenting undermined? That is really not OK, and it doesn’t sound like she gets it at all. Would it be possible to keep her occupied doing stuff around the house during the busiest/most stressful times of day? Let Grandma have her playtime at other times, but maybe she just needs to not be as present during the bedtime routine.
anne-on says
Wow, I’m amazed you’re dealing with this as kindly as you’ve been up until now. I would have LOST.IT by about the 3rd time this happened. Our general rules are your family, your talk, so I’d task your husband with talking to his mom as soon as it happens. Ie – she tries to undermine or ignore your rule, you deal with kiddo and any consequences, and he deals with his mom. If she can’t or won’t change I think you need to decide whether it is worth having the help. Free family help isn’t really free, and one of the prices you pay may be having to deal with her undermining you (or if it was my MIL her passive agressive snits/silent treatment after we won’t let her indulge our child against our stated rules).
AnotherAnon says
Yeah, gently, I think MIL needs to not visit as often or not stay with you when she does visit. There is this dynamic with foster kids when they have visitation with their birth parents. Kids get disregulated because they normally have their foster parents rules but then their birth parents are there and it causes a lot of emotions and takes a long time for them to get back to functioning in a safe, steady environment in their little brains. It seems like something similar is happening when your MIL visits. Sorry, this is hard. When my son was little I would pine for family to be closer. Now my parents live nearby and it’s wonderful but he also knows he can get away with pretty much anything when my mom is around so it’s a bit of a Catch-22.
anon OP says
Thank you all for your insight and feedback.
We have tried to give her feedback in the moment, but sometimes our hands are tied. For example, if she is about to get a new toy out for kid and I say no new toy, that will set kid off into an immediate tantrum, bc she knows MIL will give in. Whereas, DH and I know not to reach for a new toy or one quick look and we’ll know to covertly put it away. It’s a delicate dance in our house, I guess. Limiting visits has been really, really hard also. I don’t want to deny a doting grandparent or a grandkid together time. MIL also gets really hurt when we cut back visits and the emotional fallout is the same or worse, so I’ve just been letting her come. I think is she lived nearby, it would be different. Kid would go to grandma’s house and operate by grandma’s rules and then come back to our house and operate by our rules. It’s having different rules in one house that contributes to the discord.
Also, MIL doesn’t think of it as undermining, so she is not being malicious. She just cannot handle kid being unhappy and will give her anything to make the crying/screaming stop. We asked her to take more authority and be a disciplinarian, she says that she cannot and would like to step out of the room when that happens. So, she drama happens because of her presence but she does not want to do anything to resolve it. argh!
rosie says
I think she needs to step out of the room, then. Or when there are times when you know there will be this issue (like bedtime routine), preemptively send her to another room or out of the house.
Anonymous says
Tell her- you are not involved in bed time stay down stairs. Like the adult you are.
Anon says
My inlaws are local but always come to our house because their house is not toddler-proofed (e.g., my MIL has white furniture, sharp corners and lots and lots of glass shelves). I assure you it’s not any easier when they’re local.
Spirograph says
This.
The fun of being a grandparent (from what I understand) is that you don’t have to do the parenting anymore. Some grandparents are better than others at remembering that someone else still has to parent. If she can’t sit quietly and not interact when you’re parenting through preschool defiance, she needs to leave the room. If that’s her suggestion, it’s a great one and you should take her up on it.
My mom is very good at taking cues from me and my husband and will quietly remove herself when she sees a meltdown coming. My dad and in-laws need to be told, “please go downstairs for a few minutes and let me handle this, we have a system and it works better if it stays consistent.”
Sarabeth says
I can’t tell what the balance is between MIL visiting because y’all genuinely need/want the help, and MIL visiting because she wants to visit. In the former situation, I think you can work on getting her out of the way during particularly fraught moments of the day, and just powering through the tantrum when MIL is offering a toy that you don’t want the kid to have, but you also just have to let a certain amount of it go. In the second situation, you should probably cut the visits back significantly. 1 week/month is a VERY VERY large amount of time for someone to be visiting, even someone you love and care about. Maybe she’ll throw her own tantrum, but that’s not actually a compelling reason to let her keep spending this much time at her house.
lawsuited says
I have these same issues with my MIL but she lives very close to us and cares for our LO fairly often so we’ve had to work through the growing pains.
1. I accept that things will not run as smoothly when MIL is caring for LO. I accept it as the price I pay for the free help. I have repeated this over and over to myself enough that I have mostly internalized it and it really does help ease my Type A frustration.
2. You need to correct your MIL in the moment in front of your kid. (Preparing a unified front ahead of time is obviously the better option but it never happened for me so I moved on to this which worked.) I warned my MIL ahead of time that if, for example, she offered a toy to LO when my husband and I had said no toys, we would correct her and take away the toy. It goes something like this:
Me: Mummy told you that if you threw your yoghurt on the floor you wouldn’t be allowed to play with your toys before bath. You threw your yoghurt, so no toys.
LO: *Cries and cries*
MIL: (To LO, offering toy) Come here and sit with me. How about we play with this toy?
Me: (To LO, taking away toy from either MIL or LO) No, Mummy said no toys. You threw your yoghurt, so no toys.
Aly says
This is a pretty big disruption on 25% of your life. I’d need to deal with it before I completely snapped on my MIL. So maybe you and your husband need to figure out what you are willing to do. Are you willing to say, “MIL, if you won’t do x, y and z while visiting, you will not be welcome back?” I’d sit down with her and go over bedtime routine and expectations for that. Like, written down as a list. While I’d try to do this lovingly, I can imagine your MIL may not be pleased with this. However, if you get her to agree to something (never undermining you), then in the moment when she does that, you can say, “Oh, MIL, this isn’t what we agreed to.” Also, if she does something good – supports you, follows routine, etc – I’d be lavish in my praise.
I’d also consider a family meeting, once MIL is on board, with the kids. Kid 1 should know that there are consequences to her behavior – if she doesn’t listen to mum and dad, MIL can’t come visit as much.
I’m sorry you are going through this – help is awesome, but sometimes it comes at a cost. My husband lost it at my mother, who was trying to be helpful but was not, when our kid was quite young. Since then, I’ve laid out expectations crystal clear with in laws and my parents (e.g. if you do x with kid, we will not be visiting for 2 months).
HSAL says
Nursing 6 month old twins – they’re both sleeping decent stretches, but not the same stretches. Tthey’ll go down between 6:30 and 7:00, Twin A is up around midnight to eat, and Twin B is up around 3. And some nights they swap and B will be up before A. I’ve tried waking the second twin up after I finish the first, but that hasn’t worked so far – the second isn’t interested in eating yet and will still wake up later. They’ve also both slept 6:30 to 6:30 so I know they CAN do it, so I want to encourage them to stay asleep. I don’t mind one wake-up a night, but I’d really rather not wake up for two separate feeds. Any tips besides time?
Annie says
Are you open to doing full ferber and just stopping night feedings? We sleep trained with no more night feeds at 4 1/2 months. The process was brutal but we’ve all (mostly) been getting such good sleep for years after that it was well worth it for us.
AwayEmily says
+1
lawsuited says
+1 Talk to your paed about whether you can nightwean yet. If your paed won’t give you the green light for nightweaning, breastfeed Twin A on even nights and Twin B on odd nights and have your partner give the alternate twin a bottle. I’m a twin and that’s how my parents handled night feedings from the get-go.
anon says
As a twin mom, I stopped feeding them when they woke during the night once they each proved that they could sleep through the night. I would snuggle, but not feed them. I think it was around 4 months. I exclusively pumped, so they didn’t look to me as a milk source, but for other nursing moms, I’ve heard it helps to have the non-nursing parent wake with the baby until the baby understands it isn’t snack time.
Anonymous says
Yep, this is what we did. We kept an 8pm dream feed in until about 6 months (babies went to bed at 5:30, at 8 we each picked up one and offered her a bottle of pumped milk), but other than that any nighttime soothing was just snuggles, not food.
KW says
I don’t have twins, but when the first twin wakes up to eat, could you also feed the other one at the same time? Sort of a dream feed for the second twin. Then hopefully they will both go back to sleep for a longer stretch.
anon says
fellow twin mom here. also 6 months. agreed re the comment to have the middle of the nights be with a bottle in lieu of bf. or you can feed for one wake up and have DH feed for the second. or if you prefer to do both feeds one night and have DH do both feeds the other night. if i recall correctly, you have an older one + twins, in which case you are my hero as i’m barely keeping it together just with twins and mine have fortunately been sleeping through the night for the past month. have you tried a dream feed with a bottle? either of pumped milk or formula? how long do you let them cry before you go feed them? our twins share a room and so i know it is a delicate balance of not wanting to rush right in, but also not wanting them to wake up their sleeping sibling if they cry for too long. we use a sound machine and put it between their cribs to help muffle the cries a bit between the two. how many times have they totally slept through? one of mine started sleeping through well before the other. the dream feed worked for one, but not the other – she still woke up in the middle of the night with the dream feed, so we stopped the dream feed.
HSAL says
Thanks all – trading off feeds with my husband is an interesting idea, but practically speaking I would be awake for “his” feed anyway unless I’m sleeping at the opposite end of the house. He brings me the babies and takes them back to their room, so maybe we’ll try seeing if he can soothe them before he brings them in for a feed. Unless I fall asleep, they’re generally less than 10 minute feeds – I was up more than that when I was pregnant. We always let them fuss for a couple minutes but yeah, it’s not worth waking up the other baby in the same room. They’ve only slept through a couple times each and I’m not quite ready to close the cafeteria yet, but I’ll talk to the doctor about it at their checkup this week and see what she thinks. One wake-up is totally doable, I just need to get them on the same schedule.
Anon says
wait so you are both getting up twice a night! that sounds horrible. i can’t believe you are both still standing. i’d be dying. if you can’t switch of feeds, could you switch off nights, so one night you sleep with earplugs and the other night he does. that is what we do. even though i sometimes still hear it and wake up, i am able to fall back to sleep much more quickly knowing that i’m not on duty
Anonymous says
One wake up per baby in a 12 hour stretch is pretty good. I’d be reluctant to mess with that. STTN per AAP is techincally one 6 hour stretch so you’re getting that from both. You can try nursing the first waker and have DH bottle feed the 2nd waker and swap off the next night, he doe sthe first waker and you do the 2nd waker because a 12am feed is less annoying than a 3am feed.
HSAL says
Ha, I actually prefer the 3am. If I go to bed around 9:30 or 10:00 anything around midnight is SO disorienting.
Anonymous says
I was that way, too!
Anon says
How much holiday gift do you leave your housekeeper? We pay ours 75 and she is so wonderful, I was thinking 150 but wonder if I should leave more.
rosie says
We are leaving 2x the weekly cost & a bag of treats to share (like ghiardelli squares). We don’t tip during the year.
Anon says
We do a month and a half of services. (Eventually I’d like to do two months, but it’s not in the budget.) Ours comes every two weeks at $75 each time, so the equivalent of 3 services is $225. There are two cleaners who come, so we round up to $240 to make it easy to split.
anon says
Wow, these answers surprise me. I thought the bonus standard was the cost of one service, e.g., $75 if you pay $75 for a cleaning session.
Anonymous says
This is what we do. Ours is a single individual (not a service)
ElisaR says
I agree, I was surprised to see this…. I do the cost of the service plus a little bit because there’s 2 cleaners
Anon says
I am surprised too. We have a self employed person come to our every two weeks. We pay $80 per session. I give her $80 plus a chocolate gift box. This year I bought a $100 gift card for Target (when it was on sale for $90) and a small bag of chocolate . So, I spent $100 total.
farrleybear says
We do cost of one service, which is $120
Anonymous says
The cost of a cleaning. So, for me, an extra $100.
Wow says
We pay $120 every two weeks for a cleaning and I give $150 for each woman (there are two). So $300 total. But this year we are moving out of the area and I will probably give them $200 or even $250 each. We don’t tip during the year.
Phone calls while pumping says
This feels like a weird question but I have no idea how to handle it. For those of you who pump in your offices, do you answer your (work) phone? I feel weird ignoring it but I worry they may be able to hear the pump, which is so awkward.
Redux says
I used to answer internal calls from my colleagues, but not generally outside calls. I would routinely take conference calls (on and off mute). If the sound bothers you, toss a blanket or towel over the pump– it really does tamp the sound.
lawsuited says
I don’t, but I also screen calls a fair bit so not answering doesn’t make me feel awkward.
Anon says
I do, and I’ll even participate in conference calls. I just try to move the pump away from the phone so it’s not as loud.
Anon says
I used to, but I had a Spectra and had a trusted colleague confirm it is not audible on the phone.
AK says
I do, but my pump (Spectra) is not as loud as the Medela PIS. I wouldn’t have answered with the Medela, but I don’t mind with this one.
Elle says
I do. I’ll skip if I don’t know who it is calling, but generally, yes I answer and participate in conference calls. I mute when I can but I’m not worried about it.
Redux says
What would you plan for a 5-year old’s at-home birthday party in the winter?
I’m thinking there will be about 10 kids in our house and too cold to go outside. We’ve never had a birthday party at home before and most of the ones we’ve been to have been either outside in the warmer months or inside at play gyms or the like. I totally get the appeal of having it out at a center, but I want to do this one at home.
Is it enough to do one activity (e.g., make a picture frame), serve snack and cake, and call it a day? Or do I need to have more planned?
Jeffiner says
I went to an indoor 3yo party, and there were different “play areas” set up, like a matchbox car tower in the living room, a toy racetrack in the dining room, make your own car craft supplies on the kitchen table, and then access to the birthday boy’s bedroom and all his toys.
octagon says
I’d think about two activities – one small and one big. The small one can be something that kids can do before or after the main activity if they don’t want to run around (like drawing or blocks). Optional, and not high-effort.
Redux says
and the big one?
octagon says
Oh, that would be something like make a picture frame, paint on T-shirts, etc.
AwayEmily says
Can you ask the 5-year-old for ideas?
Redux says
Well she wants to go back to the Little Gym where we had it last year. It made sense for us then because we lived in a tiny apartment and had a little baby at home, but it was really expensive and pretty chaotic considering how much we paid for it, so I’m vetoing that idea. We moved this year and have the space to host, so I’m bringing it home. I may well regret it!
Emma says
I have a 5 y/o. The at home parties we’ve been to have been so!much!work! Big activities: tye dye (garage), diy fairy gardens, make robots, magician or other entertainment (not budget friendly), you could do a treasure hunt (hide stuff around room, give clues or just free for all), games (races, block building etc), make a spider web maze, etc.
Anonymous says
If you are open to a not-at-home party, try a real independent gymnastics gym. Their parties tend to be much cheaper than The Little Gym, and run better as well. Another good, inexpensive option is swimming at the Y.
I have hosted several in-home and several out-of-home parties, and by the time I pay for elaborate craft supplies, decorations, food, and activities needed to keep the kids occupied, out-of-home has come in cheaper every single time.
DLC says
We have always had at home birthday parties in the winter. I think they can be as busy or low key as you want to plan- for our kid, most of the fun was getting to see their friends. Things that we have done and which have been popular were:
– spa day where we did foot soaks and scrubs and painted our toenails
-dance party- we pushed back the furniture in the Basement and played music really loud.
-And a piñata always goes over well and is a good third activity because it can be short.
But really, do whatever will keep you sane.
anon says
my best friend threw a pajama party for her 5 year old daugther’s bday. i think the party was in the later afternoon/evening and the kids came over in their PJs, ate pizza, watched a movie with some popcorn (there were some coloring supplies out for kids who couldn’t sit still), paused the movie in the middle to do cake, which was then eaten while watching the movie and then all the kids went home. They called it a “sleep-under” party
anon. says
This is super adorable – filing the idea away.
Two Cents says
I went to a 5-year old party last year at a friend’s house. They had a puppet show and that was a hit. I think it ran about 30 minutes or so. The rest of the time the kids were just running around and playing with toys. It was great. I agree with others that by the time you spend money on food and decorations it won’t necessarily be cheaper than doing one at the gym. Many of these in-home entertainers in my area charge about $500.
Thumb sucking says
My 2.5 year old sucks her thumb. A lot. We will ask the pediatrician about it at her year appointment, but I’d be interested in hearing your takes. Is this a problem? If not, when does it become one? Anything we can/should do? So far we have done absolutely nothing — we never comment on it or tell her not to do it. It’s definitely a huge source of comfort for her (she can get pretty overwhelmed/anxious, especially in loud or new situations) so I’m reluctant to take that away from her without helping her figure out some other coping mechanisms.
Anon in NYC says
My 3.5 year old sucks her thumb. We can see the effect on her teeth. Our dentist told us the “deadline” to stop is around 3 to avoid dental problems, but, like yours, it’s a huge source of comfort for her and something she does when anxious or falling asleep. And, my husband and I both had braces, so we figured that we’re just going to have to pay for that when the time comes.
Anonymous says
I have a 20 year old sister that still sucks her thumb, so I do think thumb-sucking is to be nipped in the bud as early as possible. I’d consider giving a soother for comfort that you can eliminate later rather than allowing the thumb-sucking to continue.
Anonymous says
Wow. I have never heard of adults doing this. Is this a thing?
Anonymous says
She doesn’t do it frequently, but she was still sucking her thumb pretty frequently at age 6…age 10, and there’s no way to eliminate the thumb.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Same! Our 2.5 year sucks his thumb a lot. It was great when he was a baby because he was able to self soothe and fall/stay asleep early on, but now we’re slowly trying to get him to move away from it, at least outside of falling asleep times. His dentist has also told us to end this because of the effects on his teeth – braces are most likely in our future so I’m not too concerned about this, but would still like to ease him away from it.
So far, we’ve just been telling him to take his thumb out when he’s doing it mindlessly, like when watching TV. It’s much harder to take it away when he uses it to self soothe, like when he’s falling asleep or after a tantrum. We’re planning to revisit when he’s closer to 3 as he’s had a lot of transitions lately with a new baby and starting a new preschool program in a month.
I’ve read that most kids just naturally stop between ages 2-4, and a lot of it can come from peer pressure.
OP says
Maybe when she turns three in March we will have a chat with her about minimizing it in the way you suggest — like, not doing it while watching TV or reading books, but only when she’s feeling sad or tired. I kind of like that halfway idea…and that might give us a better sense of just how deeply ingrained it is.
Anon in NYC says
I will also say, my 3.5 year old has naturally stopped sucking her thumb as frequently. It used to be a constant, and now it’s just less.
H13 says
My son stopped sucking his thumb right around the time he turned five. I hated the thumb sucking. Hated it. But nothing I did or said seemed to help and I could feel it becoming a power struggle. Honestly, I don’t know what I could have done differently. When he was ready, we talked about it and we put bandaids on his thumb as a deterrent and reminder. It seemed to work. He’s had a few rare instances where he has confessed to sucking his thumb but I think we are pretty much past it.
One thing I did notice but never implemented was that he usually sucked his thumb when he had his lovey. We talked about restricting his access to his lovey just to his bed but never did. If your daughter does the same, maybe it is something you could try?
Legally Brunette says
My son stopped when he turned 3. We used that horrible tasting polish around his finger and he stopped within 2 days. We only had to use it for 2 days, he never sucked his thumb again.
Book Lady says
My 2.5 year old is also a huge thumb sucker. We went to the dentist for the first time a few weeks ago and he told her she should stop. He told us deadline for teeth issues was 3-3.5. For a few days we would remind her that Dentist said not to suck her thumb and she has since completely stopped. I actually can’t believe it. But unfortunately she has been having major major tantrums and trouble sleeping, whichbI’m sure is because she hasn’t figured out a way to calm herself.
CHL says
What would you pay for a holiday bonus for an afterschool nanny who watches your kids 6 hours a week (started in September?) TIA
lawsuited says
Probably 1 week’s pay as a bonus? I don’t think the fact that she started in September should make a difference as part of the reason you’re giving the gift is for future goodwill.
CHL says
Thanks!
Jeffiner says
How do you handle a 3 year old’s delay tactics? My daughter wanted to wear her rainbow pony coat to daycare this morning, and I told her multiple times this morning that we need to hang coats on the hook. (Last week a notice was sent home asking coats to be hung to avoid losing them.) First she wanted to show her teacher the coat. Then she wanted to go to the water fountain. Then after she showed her teacher the coat, she had a fit when I tried to take it to the hook. She wanted to put it in a different location. The teacher said she’d take care of the coat and I walked out. My husband said I should just let DD do what she wants, it will be a lot faster than arguing with her. Similar scenarios play out at bedtime or when its time to leave the house. I don’t want to be too authoritarian, but I want her to follow directions.
AwayEmily says
Blech this is a tough one. We call our 3yo a Stall Monster when she gets like that. I wish I could say there was one magic answer but I see it as more of a toolbox, with the tools being, in order deployed:
1) Offer a choice where both options get you the desired behavior (“do you want to hang the coat with the ponies facing in or the ponies facing out so everyone can see them?”)
2) Offer to help (this works well on my very independent daughter — if she is stalling around getting her stepstool for the toilet, I’ll say “oh, it looks like you aren’t able to do this on your own. I can help you.” 90% of the time she says NO I DO IT MYSELF and picks up the pace.)
3) Offer consequences that are related to the behavior (example: she loves climbing into the car on her baby brother’s side while I am buckling him, but she sometimes stalls in actually getting into her seat. So I say “If you don’t get into your seat, you’re telling me that you’re not able to handle climbing in through your brother’s side, and I won’t let you do that any more.”)
Good luck.
Anonymous says
We have really good luck with timers. In this case, I would probably set the timer for X minutes when we are leaving the car. Allow for a couple minutes of her extra activities, and then when it goes off, hang the coat and leave. In addition, I’d have teacher reinforce the coat hanging rule with kiddo. My kiddo listens to her teachers way better than me. The kids in the class should be aware of the rules coming from the teachers, not just from Mom and Dad acting as a messenger from the notice.
GCA says
I’ve had good luck with tactics from How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen – usually of the absurdist humor variety, like the coat neighing and saying ‘hang me up on my hook so I don’t get lost!’ while trying to trot away. Depending on my son’s mood I can also get him to put on his own clothes for daycare by doing it so badly that he cracks up and does it himself (where do the socks go? on my head! how does your sweatshirt get put on? backwards? no? I’m doing it wrong? can you show me how YOU do it?) Also, she may listen to teachers/ peers better – if other kids are around and hanging up their coats, she might follow suit.
EB0220 says
People may disagree with me but I pretty much go with this stuff. Usually I get antsy about stuff like this when I’m short on time, so I just budget a bit more time. 9 times out of 10 it’s faster to just immediately acquiesce to the stall tactics without fussing. For example, at bedtime my 4 year old always wants *something*. Water, back pat, to read a book with the light on. I finally decided I would just give her what she wants (for the most part) without reaction/talking/eye contact and then leave to reinforce my own boundaries (“Mommy is doing grown-up stuff now”). Otherwise I only dictate broad guidelines to her (when your clock is asleep, you stay in your room). That seems to work much better than making rules and dictating things. I just think of her as a rebel (from The Four Tendencies) and life goes much smoother.
SC says
I think it’s a balance. Transitions are really hard for my kid, so often he stalls to exert control over the transition and make it smoother for him. I try to be patient with that and build in time to transition and allow what I can.
That doesn’t mean having no boundaries and letting Kiddo do whatever he wants. We do a combination of pretty much everything suggested above–we tell Kiddo what’s going to happen and use timers. We provide choices where the outcome is that he does what we need him to do (with frequent use of the line “If you don’t choose, I’ll choose for you” because Kiddo’s favorite responses to a choice between A and B are “C” and “no”). We use humor. We use activity and fun–jumping or walking backwards or skipping from one place to another. We use consequences and rewards that are related. We try to anticipate needs and requests and make them part of the routine (so, in your example, if the water fountain is outside the classroom, then I’d start offering a drink at the water fountain before entering the classroom, and if it’s inside the classroom, then I’d say, before entering, “Today, you’re going to say good morning to your teacher, then hang up your coat, then get a drink of water”).
Sometimes, we stop to talk about why Kiddo is stalling, then we try to give him the words to ask for what he needs. It’s really a judgment call, and I won’t pretend we get it right all the time, but sometimes it helps to kneel down and say, “Are you thirsty, or are you asking to go to the water fountain because you don’t want Mommy to leave?”
Anonywhine says
I have grown to hate this time of year. I’ve minimized Christmas stuff, to the point that the tree isn’t up yet and holiday cards aren’t even ordered, and we aren’t traveling anywhere. My husband is commenting about the lack of tree and holiday cards, but doesn’t take those tasks over himself, and I know I could just not do the cards, but that’s a fight I’m too tired to have.
But I’m still so sluggish and overwhelmed. For work it’s the end of the billable period, and as I’ve gotten more and more senior, it’s harder and harder to make my hours. So I feel like I can’t even take a mental health day. And even though I’m on a reduced schedule, it feels like I’m working constantly and as a result ignoring my preschooler when I’m supposed to be “making memories” for her. All she wants is me to pick her up early from daycare so we can do something fun like we did a few months ago…
Basically, not so sure how I feel so overwhelmed despite having a flexible work schedule and only one child, so I’m just feeling like a failure.
lawsuited says
Consider option 2, don’t order the holiday cards and don’t have a fight about it. When your husband makes a comment about holiday cards, you can either stay silent or ask him matter-of-factly whether he ordered any. No fight required. I’d say the same thing about the Christmas tree, but that might actually be just the sort of fun activity your daughter would love to do with you. I’d ask your husband to buy and set up the tree, and then you can pick up your daughter early one day and decorate it together.
Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. It would be ideal for your daughter if you could pick her up early every day and “make memories”. It would be ideal for work if you could bill late into the evening every night as if Christmas weren’t happening. Somewhere in the middle is where you need to be, and that’s just fine.
Delta Dawn says
+1 on the holiday cards. Why can’t husband order them? I’m trying to give him credit here– maybe he thinks you want to be in charge of them. Can you let him know you’d like for him to do them? (I’m trying not to assume that he wants them done but doesn’t want to do them himself.) Maybe if you let him know you’d like him to do them, he will. And if he doesn’t, no cards this year. Not your problem!
This is the first year I have really been sour about all the Christmas-ing. It’s too much and I’m already tired. And I’m the only one doing any of it. So, I decided today that I’m done. No more parties, the gifts I’ve bought already will have to be enough, etc. If husband wants to fill in the gaps, great. If not, not my problem.
OP says
Unfortunately, Husband wants them done, but doesn’t want to do them himself. He claims its because he does other stuff that I’m not involved in — frankly, it’s BS, because there is SO.MUCH of the mental load that he just never sees, much less never does. I’ve actually had a few recent freak-outs about having to fix his oversights (e.g., losing critical work things and having the whole household shut down looking for things). He’s never been the best at logistics, but the last 6 months things have gotten so.much.worse. To the point that I’m actually concerned there is something wrong — he’s older, not near an age that things like this would be a concern, but old enough that it’s not unheard of for age related issues to start occurring.
And I have broached this a little with him, but he gets VERY defensive. He knows I feel like I’m drowning, he’s out of town now, only for two nights, but I mentioned it to him a few days ago, and then last night when we were on the phone. I think it is time for a serious discussion, because now that I’ve had my vent and took a little break, I’m realizing the holidays are just amplifying this issue.
Anonymous says
Say no.
lawsuited says
+ 1 “No” is a complete sentence, including with your husband.
Husband: I want you to order the holiday cards because I like sending out holiday cards but I think that you should be the one to order them.
You: No.
Anonymous says
“I’m overwhelmed at the holidays and scaling back on things that are not a priority for me. I’m not doing holiday cards this year. If you’d like to order them and send them out, my address book is on the bookshelf.”
Repeat ad nauseum.
FTMinFL says
You are not a failure. Full stop. You are dealing with hard things and you are exhausted. Your preschooler won’t have explicit memories from this time in her life, so I give you permission (not that you needed it) to take the pressure off to “make memories”. I also give you permission to not have a tree or send holiday cards this year. Ideally this holiday is about peace, love, and the promise that all things wrong can be made right. Do what you can to (1) love yourself and (2) foster peace in your home and you will be a smashing Christmas success. You’ve got this, mama. Be gentle with yourself.
Anonymous says
Tell your husband how you feel. Not in response to a comment of his so that it starts a fight. Just tell him you feel like you’re failing and are exhausted. It’ll help to talk and for him to understand how you’re feeling. He might even work on some of these tasks unprompted if he knows you’re drowning. Or other household stuff. Or give you the opportunity to go into work super early one day so you can pick kiddo up early to put up the tree or put address stickers on cards together that he ordered.
Blueberries says
I get the whole reduced schedule = still a ton of work by normal standards. It’s exhausting, especially with a young kid.
Can you tell your husband to handle the tree and cards if they’re important to him? And not comment about it to you?
12:39 Anon says
“Husband, I know I’ve often taken care of cards and the tree in the past and that has been fine. However, I’m really drowning right now. I’m exhausted. And I feel like a failure because I think I should be able to handle everything and I just can’t right now. I’m on the ledge and feeling so badly. Would it work for you to take over cards and the tree this year?”
OP says
I was going to respond to everyone’s comments individually, but…
Anyway, thank you all so much. The cards are ordered, once they get here Husband is in charge of getting stamps and mailing. He will also be in charge of figuring out when we’re going to put up the tree. I know I should have just made my husband order the cards, but that frankly would have actually been more work OR (and, likely) a fight-even if I didn’t want it to be.
As I mentioned above, the mental load at home has become almost completely my responsibility, and based on some of the things my husband is doing, I don’t think it’s just laziness or obliviousness, his general ability to keep on top of things has just gotten so much worse for EVERYTHING. I don’t know if it’s ADHD that has gotten worse, depression, aging, or what…it could be sheer selfishness too, I guess. Not sure how to have this conversation without him getting completely defensive and shutting down, and frankly, I’m not going to even try to have it until after the holidays.
Thanks again for the words of encouragement.
Anonymous says
My attitude towards to emotional labour of running the household is that if I’m going to do it I’m also going to be the one that decides what the priorities are. When my husband tells me he thinks the towels should be washed more often, I say, “okay, you’re welcome to wash them as often as you like, but I’m not going to do that.”
KateMiddletown says
Guys, my husband is in 2nd round interviews for a job in Hawaii, where his salary would be 75% of our combined salaries now (so appx $120K) and we’d get free tuition for our older daughter. We live in the Midwest now. I could find a job in my field pretty easily, but we would have a 10 month old and a 9 year old and I’d rather plan to not work at least to start. I’ve never been to HI, and all I know about the cost of living is that a gallon of milk is $9. This is a crazy, silly idea, right?
Aly says
This is secretly my dream, so I’m completely biased. I’d be so, so excited. I’ve heard Costco is the grocery savior in Hawaii.
Govtattymom says
Congratulations! From talking to friends who live in Hawaii, my understanding is that Hawaii COL is very similar to DC COL (I live in DC). Therefore, I’m guessing that you could make it work, but only if you were willing to live in a small, modest house and be very careful with finances. But you’d be in Hawaii!!!!!!!
Say Yes says
OH MY GOD IF YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO LIVE IN HAWAII YOU SAY YES!
(So sayeth sad Minnesotan whose lawn has been covered by snow for a month already)
H13 says
Exciting! I had a friend explore this option a few years ago. She went with the kids and husband for two weeks to see how they liked it and talk to people who actually live there. Somethings that stopped them from making the move: distance from aging grandparents, lack of job opportunities in her field, and very little representation of their faith in the community.
I am cold so Hawaii sounds amazing right now. If you can, go explore and see if you can get a sense of what real life is like there. Other questions: Would this be permanent? If you are on the fence, could you put a timeframe around it (maybe three years)?
FVNC says
Wow, congrats on your husband’s opportunity! I have been to a few islands in HI and it’s just amazing. My husband is in the military, so living in HI could be an option for us…and he’d love to go. The two things that have held me back are: (1) potential to feel isolated, given distance from our east coast family and friends, and (2) incompatibility with my east coast colleagues and clients (my job is portable but the time zone difference would just be too much)…plus, if I were living in paradise, I wouldn’t want to work! It sounds like #2 isn’t an issue for you, and if #1 won’t bother you either….go for it! Especially if you have the option to return if it doesn’t work out in a couple years. What a great experience it could be. Good luck!
anon says
My sister lived in Hawaii for several years. There was some culture shock. The hardest thing is being so far from the mainland in terms of time zones and travel time. On the other hand, people want to come visit you! It’s gorgeous and my sister loved it, but one big huge thing is the difference between a rigid, protestant, type A work ethic and the traditional Hawaiian culture on the islands. My sister worked in the public schools and actually got along really well with the Hawaiians (because if you love their kids, they love you), but the culture there is very family, play, go to the beach oriented vs. work and achievement oriented. Some of her non-hawaiian peers struggled with this culture and thought Hawaiians were lazy and unmotivated. Because of this cultural clash there can be problems between Hawaiians and non-Hawaiians.
Anonymous says
This. I’ve only visited HI a few times, but I know a ton of people who lived there for a couple years + (military) and one relative was been there for about 15 years. The temporary transplants were split 50/50 on whether they liked it. Island fever is a thing, plus everything is expensive, and the local culture (generally) is extremely laid back compared to the professional rat race in a major US city. If you can slow down and adapt, it’s great. If not, it can be very frustrating.
I would make it work for at least a few years. It will be a radical lifestyle change, but you can always move back to the mainland if you hate it!
Anonymous says
Assuming the oldest child is not the 9-year-old, does she actually want to go to college in Hawaii?
octagon says
What a great opportunity! It’s definitely worth it, at least for a few years. The cost of living is no joke. Make sure you are very realistic about what housing prices are where you are looking — there’s been a lot of foreign investment there lately buying up houses, diminishing supply and prices are going up. A family member recently left after several years because a mortgage in a major midwestern city was cheaper than a studio apartment in Hawaii. Will vary by neighborhood and island, though.
ifiknew says
I’ve never been anywhere like Hawaii and it would be an unbelievable dream to live there. I say you go for it. Worst that happens is that you move back..
H13 says
Would anyone be up for sharing their holiday menus with me? I will be hosting seven in-laws for three days, all meals at my house and I am struggling with what to serve for a more formal dinner on 12/25.
My really husband does not want to cater the Christmas meal and the holiday isn’t part of my faith tradition so I am a little clueless. What are you serving (or eating)?
Anonymous says
I always love a Christmas ham. I like to do a spiral cut for simplicity, and then the leftovers make great sandwiches. For sides, I’d probably do garlic mashed potatoes, roasted asparagus, fancier green salad (maybe spinach strawberry for the red and green aspect), and dinner rolls. Maybe cranberries (cranberries, oranges (with the peel), and sugar in a food processor is all you need). Bubbly.
H13 says
Do you cook the cranberries?
Anonymous says
Nope! From a Google search, it looks like what I grew up with and am used to is “cranberry relish” versus “cranberry sauce”. Here is an example:
https://www.oceanspray.com/en/Recipes/By-Course/Sauces-Sides-and-Salads/Fresh-Cranberry-Orange-Relish
You’ll want to make it at least half a day in advance, preferably a day. The sugar needs time to dissolve.
Anonymous says
PS – I was today years old when I learned that what I had always thought of as a unique family cranberry recipe (my Grandma was making them in the 1940s or earlier with a meat grinder) is so well known that it is on the Ocean Spray website. *eye roll*
HSAL says
I’m usually not one to say “make the husband do it,” but given the factors you provided, he should totally be taking this one, or at minimum putting the menu together. But that’s not what you asked, so I’m all about the classics. When I made Thanksgiving dinner for the first time on my own, I did a turkey from Trader Joe’s, made my own garlic mashed potatoes (made with a ricer and Yukons, they’ll change your world), green beans sauteed with bacon, and stuffing (from a box). I’m not a casserole person but other people in my family love sweet potato or green bean casserole. And some fancy rolls with really good butter.
H13 says
It is actually less stressful for me to do it. I get really overwhelmed by his family and being in charge of the meals gives me a purpose and structure (and some quiet). He would totally do it but the lack of planning, cleaning, etc. would be harder for me than taking it on myself.
Anon in NYC says
Definitely be guided by your husband, in some respects. Ask him about family favorites that “need” to be on the table (i.e., some side dish, etc.). But also use this as an opportunity to strike out on your own and do your own thing (i.e., don’t make pork just because your inlaws always do it). Some of the more traditional, formal meals that I’ve had for Christmas have centered around beef (like a roast) or a spiral cut ham. If you want an elaborate option, beef wellington is a great choice (it also gives you a great excuse to disappear into the kitchen for a while). Sides should be different enough from Thanksgiving that it doesn’t feel like a repeat, but it also doesn’t need to be elaborate. Veg, starch, greens.
I am a traditionalist about Thanksgiving, but not at all about Christmas, so I love to experiment with the menu. I made cassoulet one year, and it was so good that I’m thinking about making it again for our Christmas lunch.
Anonymous says
You do not have to serve turkey or ham on Christmas–it’s not a cultural expectation the same way a Thanksgiving turkey is. I usually serve a more sophisticated pasta dish, a fancy salad, and garlic bread.
FVNC says
My parents always have the same menu: honey baked ham, sauteed green beans and cherry tomatoes (basically equal parts butter and veggies, so good), some form of potato, rolls and green salad. My husband and I are hosting some combination of relatives this year, and I’m going to make Ina Garten’s lasagna since I’m not super into ham. A friend made it for me when I was on my last maternity leave and it was seriously amazing (of course, she’s a much better cook than me, so…). I’ll serve it with some kind of vegetable and bread.
Anonymous says
Christmas Eve at our house is a large salad (as fancy as you want) and a Stouffer’s lasagna. Maybe once I get all my kids out of diapers I will attempt a homemade lasagna, but for now, frozen it is.
DLC says
I typically do grilled or roasted salmon, a baked risotto (the kitchn’s baked mushroom risotto is pretty easy), a green salad and a veggie (either green beans or brussel sprouts.) I buy or make bread. I will sometimes add one more side because we have vegetarians in the family and this way there is plenty for them to eat.
Anonymous says
Then your husband can figure out what to cook, shop for it, and cook it
Anon says
Ham is traditional among our family and friends. I do not like ham, so I serve turkey. My mother serves both given the larger numbers she hosts, but we’re just 5 here. For Easter (another traditionally ham holiday) I usually do a ham and a turkey (or at least a turkey breast). While I am still puzzling out the menu for this Christmas, I will likely do a small turkey (I picked up a 12 pounder at Thanksgiving and tucked him in the freezer), dressing, gravy, cranberry sauce, Martha’s scallopped potatoes (assuming I can talk my husband out of mashed, which I hate, but always serve for him at Thanksgiving), a salad, rolls (MIL demand), broccoli cheese casserole and one other side. Basically thanksgiving light. I might do a cake for dessert, but my husband loves pie, so he might win out. I need to figure out which piece of that to carve off for my MIL to do that I will happy with it coming not the way I do it. For Christmas Eve with my family, we used to go to our italian neighbors’ house for lasagna and beef brajiole (I probably butchered the spelling there). So, if it were me, I would do something like an indulgent pasta dish on Christmas Eve.
ER says
This is super late but I am pushing for a beef tenderloin in the oven this Christmas! I would have it with mashed potatoes and a big salad, maybe Brussels sprouts too. Then use any leftovers for steak sandwiches.
My whole family likes to cook, though, so I might get overruled.
Anonymous says
What are your husband’s family’s traditions?
We typically do roast beef with yorkshire puddings (Jamie Oliver has good recipes, as does Saveur), gravy, and roasted potatoes. Steamed green beans and a salad (typically winter greens plus pear and blue cheese of some sort).
Dessert ranges all over the map, but my personal favorite is homemade eggnog, spiked. I’ve also done Smitten Kitchen’s gingerbread. This year I’m pregnant and lazy so I’ve bought gelato in seasonally appropriate flavors….
Christmas says
At the risk of getting virtually punched in the face, am I the only reader who actually likes Christmas?!?!
FVNC says
You’re not alone, I love it! I wish I could look forward to an actual break, without having to worry about quarter end work stuff. But, I love the music, traditions, baking, etc…and daydream about one day working for a company that closes the week between Christmas and New Years!
Betty says
I love Christmas, and it is a huge amount of work to coordinate and do all the things for my family. I’m sure that it is always a large amount of work, but it feels even bigger now that my kids are on the cusp of ceasing to believe in Santa/the magic of it all. They are old enough to “get” Santa but also start to question the packages. I want to make it magical and help them have wonderful memories, and also have the work be quite literally invisible. Its a lot to take on.
Anonymous says
I do like Christmas, but I want to do it on my own terms so I can relax and enjoy the magic too instead of making myself miserable creating magic for everyone else.
anon says
+1
Seafinch says
Precisely!
lawsuited says
I also love Christmas, which is why I put a lot of effort into it. I spread the tasks over 3 or 4 months which helps. But I’m very sympathetic to the fact that moms have to put the same effort into it to meet the expectations of their families whether the mom enjoys it or not.
SC says
I love the Christmas season! I feel like we’ve struck a nice balance of family outings and peaceful at-home cuddle time this year. I’ve minimized a lot of the work and embraced imperfection so I can relax and enjoy the magic.
Most of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are spent with DH’s family, who I love, but the schedule is more hectic than I would prefer. We have 3 family gatherings in 24 hours–Christmas Eve dinner and gifts at MIL’s, Christmas Day breakfast at FIL’s, followed immediately by Christmas Day lunch (to which we will have to bring a specific dish, still TBD) with MIL’s extended family. I enjoy each gathering individually, but it’s an exhausting 24 hours. I wish we could spread things out more, but it’s not possible with everyone’s schedules.
Anon says
I love Christmas and all the food and lights and hustle and bustle and cold and snow.
oil in houston says
I love Xmas and suffer that my husband doesn’t …. so I put as many decorations up but no tree as we won’t be home for Xmas, which makes me a little sad, but also makes sense. I insist on the seasonal songs though :)
Seafinch says
I love Christmas but I love “our” xmas. We have hit the perfect notes of doing VERY little. We do lots of skating outdoors, sledding, and puttering around the house. We might invite a few people over for a few brunches etc but we don’t “make memories” and don’t do much by way of excursions. We cook lots of delicious favourites, put lots of food in the freezer, light the candles on the German Pyramid, light the German Smoking Man, my husband and I stay up late having drinks and watching movies. Just really good quality time. We don’t have local immediate family (grandparents are snowbirds in Florida and all the cousins stay at home). it is supremely cosy and we love it. I do Xmas cards and will do one cookie exchange and one Xmas party with the kids. But both of us have a full three weeks off so we have lots of down time to prepare.
AnotherAnon says
I feel like my wardrobe is pretty cheap/frumpy these days. I used to thrift/consignment shop but I haven’t since moving to a new town and having a kid. I guess ideally I’d start thrifting again, but aside from that, what are your tips for revamping a wardrobe? Lower my standards?
oil in houston says
nice jackets really helped me, I got a few collarless ones after recs from this site, and it really changes my outfits. Shoes really helped too