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Sales of note for 8.30.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 20% off
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lands’ End – 40% off sitewide; 50% off backpacks, 40% off kids’ apparel
- Loft – Summer sale, 30% off new arrivals; up to 50% off much more
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- Zappos – 28,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – 50% off everything
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 40% off everything
- J.Crew Crewcuts – 40% off sitewide; extra 50% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 50-60% off; 50% off pants for the family
- Target – 20% off select clothing for all; up to 50% off home; up to 30% off select nursery furniture; up to 30% off kitchen & dining
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
chem now miscarriage says
Reposting since it was kind of late yesterday-
It’s me, the poster who had a chemical pregnancy at the end of May, immediately got pregnant again – then at my 8 week appointment today, the embryo measured 6 weeks. I know my dates are spot on and my doctor told me to come back in 10 days, but I’m mentally preparing for a miscarriage. I’m just devastated. I’m turning 36, this baby would have been exactly 3 years younger than my first kid and I was so excited. My doctor made some noises about having two miscarriages in a row is troubling and took some blood. I thought I didn’t need to worry about that until it was 3. I just feel lost and never expected any of this after having an issue-free first pregnancy and getting pregnant so easily this time around.
Any advice on getting through the next 10 days in this Schrodinger’s pregnancy sort of situation? I’m also terrified that the miscarriage will happen in between now and my appointment and that it will hurt a lot (kind of a babyish notion, I know).
Anonymous says
I don’t have advice but I am sending lots of positive vibes and hope your direction.
anon. says
Oh, honey. Internet strangers are sending you love. I’ve been there. I fed my family take out, cereal, and ice cream for a few weeks and it was the best choice. That’s my only advice.
Realist says
Also sending positive vibes and hope in your direction. Is there a crunchy new moms support organization in your area? I know a person that works in one in our area, and it is not exactly a service they offer, but I know she spends a lot of time on the phone talking through miscarriages with women. If it would help to talk to someone that doesn’t know you, but knows exactly what you are going through right now, maybe that would help? I could see certain doulas potentially being able to support and listen as well. Breath exercises are always good to reduce stress, although I know that probably sounds like a band-aid suggestion for a problem that is so much bigger than that. Sending all the good vibes to you. 2020 can suck it.
Anokha says
I’m so sorry. I had an ectopic pregnancy followed by a chemical pregnancy (after having an easy time getting pregnant with my first), and it was the hardest year of my life. It helped me to read online message boards with other women who had been through it. I’m sending lots of internet hugs.
Anon says
The best advice I have is that you need to take it one day at a time and repeat “today, I am pregnant”. If the miscarriage happens naturally, you can still call your OB for pain meds. My miscarriage in the fall was “missed” although I started spotting the day I picked up the pills for the medical management (and for pain). I had an ultrasound at 7 weeks that showed a good heartbeat but measuring small and bleeding around the yolk sac. Came back in 2 weeks and they confirmed no heartbeat. I tried to keep my hope up in between because heartbeats are good signs, and but also tried to manage my expectations because the data around that was not great – I will probably be in a medical journal some day because the complication is so rare. But all the managing in the world did not help when I found out I had lost my baby. We got pregnant super easy the first time and had (other than HG and some clotting issues) a fairly normal pregnancy, so it was shock to me as well. Give yourself lots of grace, and I am hoping and praying for the best.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Hoping, praying, and sending good vibes for the best result. Also, worrying about this kind of pain (emotional and physical) isn’t “babyish” at all. <3
KW says
I’m so sorry. I don’t have any helpful advice for you, but as someone who had an easy conception and pregnancy the first time around and then needed IVF for the second, I empathize with your situation. Your feelings are valid and not babyish at all. Best wishes for the future.
anonn says
hugs mama. so sorry you’re going through this. Mama Dr. Jones on Youtube is an OB in Texas and recently did a MC video, she said that they don’t worry until 3 MC, but her patient’s are understandably worried after 2, so why make them go through it 3 times before you start looking into reasons? She said they often get pregnant once that process starts anyway, but there’s no reason to need 3 MC before you start looking for reasons.
I had a MC at 10 weeks and it was very painful, I had never heard a heartbeat though, so not saying that’s where you’re headed. I didn’t take anything for it at the time bc I didn’t want to harm the baby in case it was just spotting, in hindsight it was so obvious, but my horrible OBs office just didn’t call me back with my US or blood test results for 2 days while I just lay at home bleeding, crying and in pain. I didn’t want to spend the money on an er visit.
Anonymous says
Hugs. Been there. I had both an uncomplicated MC at 4/5 weeks and a situation very much like yours that dragged on from 8-12ish weeks. (I went in for my appt, measured small, waited an agonizing week or 10 days for the follow up to confirm, then doc wasn’t sure so had ANOTHER ultrasound—bless the tech who gave me the unofficial news on a Friday afternoon instead of making me wait all weekend. After waiting a whole extra week for my body to get the memo, I finally had a D&C.) None of this is easy, physically or psychologically, and the hardest part is the uncertainty. You’re not being a baby at all.
My natural MC was early, so it might be different for others, but I didn’t find it to be debilitating pain. It was just like a intense period. Certainly much less than recovering from the birth of my first child. (My memory is a little fuzzy, but I want to say I didn’t even take time off of work? The mental distraction was helpful for me.)
If the D&C becomes an option for you, I would do it. Waiting to miscarry was horrific, so having the surgery after almost 3 weeks was a huge relief. Do be prepared that you still bleed for a while after—I want to say like 2 weeks for me? I didn’t expect that.
Dark chocolate PB cups and mindless TV also helped. I’m so sorry.
Anon for this says
Here’s something I… I can’t tell people IRL. I generally avoid talking about how people look and focus very much on feeling ‘strong’ and healthy.
People keep telling me how ‘great’ I look. I have lost weight and (more significantly) lost body fat to the point where my face has changed. (People notice on Zoom meetings…)
Downside: I have only lost weight because the combo that I am so busy with kids and work and life that I have been struggling to make myself eat. After feeding the kids, it’s just… it’s so much work to think about even pulling a salad together for myself. Added to that – when I put effort into making myself a meal, the kids eat it off my plate. Except salads… Also, the only thing that is even putting a dent in my anxiety is very intense exercise.
Spouse is an essential worker whose job has called him out of town so it’s extra hard. I’m working on getting what other help I can but… pandemic. It’s so funny – I’ve been trying to lose ‘those last 7 pounds’ for years but never expected I would feel so shitty and yet be told over and over how ‘great’ I look.
Anonymous says
Oh man I’m sorry! I know exactly how that feels- I was just a tiny bit overweight in college, came down with an auto-immune disease, and the weight came off. Got lots of compliments about how I looked while struggling to get the disease under control. I would generally just say “thanks” without going into it- I know I did look better, so I understand why people were trying to compliment me (and probably trying to compliment you, as a nice thing in this terrible time), but yea it’s very conflicting.
Don’t you wish we could all just be weight-blind? Unrelated, but even now, after two kids, I am SO conscious of my parents eyeing me to evaluate weight gain or loss (like they never do to my brother!) and am very on guard to make sure they don’t do it to my daughters.
OP says
Ugh, that sucks and I’m sorry.
Yeah, my mother keeps telling me how great I look… I know she’s trying to be supportive and I’ve actually been honest that it’s because I’m not doing that great…
Anon says
Same, I developed thyroid autoimmune disease after giving birth, lost way too much weight (I got below my high school graduation weight) and got SO many comments about how wonderful I looked. Some women even called me a lucky b!tch. I had a serious illness! (Overactive active thyroid can be fatal if left untreated.) There was nothing lucky about it. Gah.
rosie says
I’m sorry for what’s going on and that people cannot keep their mouths shut from commenting on a woman’s appearance.
OP says
<3
Anonymous says
Can you make yourself kids food? Nothing wrong will all of you eating oven fries and chicken fingers in a crisis which is what you are in. No stress about making a salad fix the whole family Mac and cheese.
OP says
It’s not only the food, it’s also the ‘sitting down to eat the food’. By the time I am sitting down to cold chicken nuggets it’s just… it’s hard to eat? And I’ve never had that happen before?
I know it’s stress related, but just… I did get Panera takeout and the kids ate it and I actually got to eat a salad because there was no plating to do or dishes to do. It’s the pouring of milk and feeding the dog and making sure everyone has something RESEMBLING appropriate behavior at the table and then cleaning up the spills and… Yeah. Gonna rely more on takeout.
Anonymous says
Hugs. Yes, takeout has gotten us through many weeks (including this one…). You could also (shh) make kid food for the kids and then have tasty food for you delivered after bedime. I sometimes order multiple meals for one delivery, and eat the other ones later.
Also, and you didn’t ask this, but lack of appetite plus anxiety plus unexplained weight loss are signs of thyroid issues; have you ever had thyroid issues? (It could also be just…awful pandemic anxiety, but thyroid is easier to manage)
Anonymommy says
Ya’ll, it’s so messed up! When I’m anxious I lose my appetite. Plus, breastfeeding. And, I have pelvic floor problems making exercise hard. So, like the last time, I lost a lot of weight post-partum but also feel weak. Compliments on losing weight just feel shitty, like congrats on strictly conforming to gender norms, at any cost! No worries about the fact that I can no longer run, play soccer, etc.
Also, people routinely complimented my grandmother before she passed. She had lost weight because of health issues. It was so gross to hear that complimented. So, it never ends.
anne-on says
I 100% know how this feels, and lost weight at the start of the pandemic too. What helped was stocking up on some healthy snacks I could eat one-handed (almost like when I was nursing) and telling myself that if I wasn’t taking care of me, nobody would be there to take care of the family.
Best suggestions – babybel cheeses/cheese sticks, pre-packaged salami/cheese/cracker things (like fancy lunchables, even whole foods has these now), bananas, packets of nuts (or just shoving peanuts into your mouth straight), fruit leather, dried fruit, single serve packets of peanut butter. Give yourself permission to buy the pre-chopped fruit and veggies if you eat them. Or, chop up a bunch of things like peppers and cucumbers at once on Sunday and put them in Tupperware. I do this a lot – if veggies are already prepped I am WAY more likely to eat them than if I have to chop them up.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
First of all, this sounds stressful and I’m sorry. <3
Okay, so this is a wildly unpopular opinion on this board, and it may or may not apply to you, but – we don't really eat every meal as a family, especially right now with a new home missing key furniture, working from home with DS underfoot, etc. Lowering expectations of this may help you carve out a time to eat that's just for "you" and lower stress.
Breakfast – I give DS his and prep something for DH and I to take into our workspaces (simple stuff – toast, oatmeal, smoothies). Same with lunch (also simple – salads, leftovers, etc). Dinner, DS eats and then after he's down, DH and I eat, ideally together, but sometimes we're still working, or one person's working and the other is relaxing. We all eat generally the same thing. Whatever. On Saturdays, we get takeout and a fun dessert after DS is down and eat together. I should note I love to cook, but right now my local parents are prepping a few things for us and dropping it off, which I am grateful for. (It's not the same thing as being able to see them or send DS there, but it helps a ton), I make a lot of quick things/repurposed leftovers, and we get takeout about 2x/week.
I hope to get to 1 family meal a day at one point, especially on weekends, but right now it's about survival.
Anonymous says
If you are interested in some ideas, how about stocking up on things like crackers, shelf stable cheese, granola bars and protein shakes. Keep them in wherever it is that you are working from home. Don’t worry so much about “dinner” or “lunch,” but rather “eating enough calories.”
Anonymous says
I’m so sorry. I dealt with this a few years back. I was so incredibly stressed at work and with life stuff that I similarly had a hard time eating and lost a fair amount of weight. It was really awful hearing people comment on how fantastic I looked knowing that the reason for it was because I felt like my life was falling apart. Eventually the stressful period passed and my appetite came back. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s a good reminder to readers to not comment on women’s appearances and weight ever. I think people often assume that if a comment is about weight loss and weight gain that it’s a “compliment” and therefore not awful, but it is
Anonymous says
First, I am sorry this is happening to you. Second, I’d probably say something like “yeah, who knew pandemic stress was the magic pill everyone’s been looking for all these years” with an eye roll. It hopefully will shut people up and make them think twice about commenting on someone’s weight in the future.
lsw says
This happened to me, too. I had a pretty major depressive episode in graduate school where I stopped eating almost completely and was sleeping only 2-3 hours a night. (I also lost my voice for nine months, turned out I had vocal nodes from stress.) I had no idea at the time what was going on and thought I had a terrible disease. It was the worst period of my life and everyone I knew was complimenting my appearance because I lost about 25 pounds. It was awful.
Cb says
I suspect I’m the one late to the party on this but in case there is anyone else out there, a tip for easing the mental load. Most of our communications with cleaner, childminder, friends, in-laws are via WhatsApp and last weekend, after my husband repeatedly asked me questions about something, I spent 10 minutes setting up WhatsApp groups with myself, my husband, and the various third parties. Now, if the childminder needs more clothes or my husband wants to remind the cleaner of something, he can do it! It’s so nice, it’s actually reduced the nitty gritty conversations taking place in my house which left me resentful.
Also, I realized my husband doesn’t have my millennial fear of telephone calls, so he has happily taken on all instances of calling people. It’s incredible, I’d stall for ages, but he doesn’t mind it, so now he books appointments for me and calls people and asks questions.
anon says
On this note, I have friends who have a lot of success using a joint email address (e.g. Cbfamily [at] whatever) for all accounts and then forward it to their personal accounts so that updates from daycare, school, the vet, utilities etc go to both parents.
Realist says
This is genius and I can’t believe I haven’t thought of this after forwarding hundreds of emails that are, of course, sent to only me.
Anonymous says
IDK — I think of it as “family” e-mail masquerading as mom; I would likely need to read, digest, fwd. Ugh.
Anonymous says
Or do what she suggested and have it set to automatically forward to you and your spouse.
Anon says
Yeah, this only solves the problem of just one parent getting all the email, so if the other parent isn’t willing to read/digest/respond then it doesn’t do any good. But if one of the problems is just that emails aren’t reaching both parents equally so parent 2 has no way to access things, it fixes that.
We don’t have a family email address, but do have forwarding filters set up so even though my wife is the primary contact for our school-aged kids, all emails sent from the ourpublicschool[dot]com domain get auto-forwarded to me so we have equal responsibility for dealing with them.
Anon says
Not too late! Just set up a rule to auto-forward. In gmail it’s really easy – just click on “filter messages like these” and then you can set it up to forward to whatever address you choose.
anon says
This is a smart idea. Might need to talk to DH about this. Luckily, our daycare and elementary school are very good about sending to both parents. Occasionally we’ll get a teacher email to only one of us (usually me), but after we let him/her know that we prefer both parents to receive communications, it hasn’t been a problem.
anon says
this is a huge game-changer! I lamented over how lame this was, and how to create something that would work if we add any additional children (and wasn’t embarrassed to give out), but went with last name + city abbrev. ie “SmithCHS”, “GeyerWDC”, “JenkinsSTL”.
Anonymous says
There is a good article that ran in The Atlantic last month called “The Dudes Who Won’t Wear Masks.” I wanted to share it here because there have been some folks who think that shaming people is a good way to get them to “behave” during the pandemic. This article lays out why shame isn’t the best strategy for making progress on public health. I hope we can approach each other with empathy as we work through what might be a very long reality for us all.
Realist says
I read that article and appreciated the perspective. Of course, shaming won’t work. On the other hand, my goodness, these dudes just need to man up. Why do they need to be coddled? Why do we, as a society, yet again, need to specifically design everything around supporting white men to take even a tiny step to protect the rest of us? Most people seem to understand the science and we put on our d*** mask. Women, who are judged and treated so much differently on our appearance, probably suffer more negative impacts from having to put on a mask. Heck, some women are probably covering up thousands of dollars of nicely done plastic surgery in putting on their mask. And yet we manage to do it without society needing to pause and coddle us and cater to our every need. Good grief. /End rant.
anon says
Yep, I agree. At this point, I have no idea HOW to get through to the anti-maskers. Shame doesn’t work, and neither does asking nicely. If there isn’t something in it for them, they do not care. Thoroughly over it.
Spirograph says
There literally IS something in it for them! I mean, assuming that they want normal life back sooner rather than later, that should be a pretty big carrot. But they refuse to think past instant discomfort of their face being a smidge uncomfortable. I’m also over it.
The only way to get them to do it is pressure from someone they actually care about. If it’s not a norm in the entire region/peer group, unfortunately, the chances of there being that person is low.
Anon says
“Heck, some women are probably covering up thousands of dollars of nicely done plastic surgery in putting on their mask.“
Wow.
AnotherAnon says
Just cuz it’s song lyrics don’t make it not true.
anon says
This train of thought is just bizarre.
anon says
You should really read the book White Working Class: Overcoming Class Cluelessness in America if you want to understand why these dudes need to be “coddled.” If we want our society to move forward in a positive way, we all need to try to understand other people’s perspectives, what their lives are like, and why they think the way they do, before casting them aside with derision.
Realist says
I get why things are the way they are, and I am fed up with it. I am over coddling a certain class of people for tiny, incremental steps towards forward movement. Nope. Not any more. Not the world I want for my child. I am definitely not alone in this in 2020. If you want to stand in the way of progress, get ready for consequences instead of articles in The Atlantic about your man plight.
Anon says
Pretty sure you don’t get it. Your comments usually come across like a long self-centered wail.
Realist says
So helpful, Anon. Glad I could help you fill your troll quota for the day. 2020 has been a long primal scream for me. I’m not alone in that, and I vent about it on the internet. Die mad about it.
anon says
But what is the other perspective on mask wearing? I don’t think anyone really likes it, we just accept that it’s something we need to do right now to keep ourselves and others safe. It’s not like everyone except entitled white dudes loves wearing masks and we’re telling the EWD their comfort doesn’t matter.
Anon4This says
Yeah, a lot of our problems in this country right now are because of White people being misunderstood and not catered to. Again, the Karen undertones are strong here.
– One of the few WOC who read/post here.
Anon says
I’ll read the book but can you tell us the bottom line of why they need to be coddled? Is it about toxic masculinity and having to appear tough?
Anon says
My coworker sent me a photo from this weekend of the bars near her apartment in the DC suburbs. Hundreds of people standing in line outside to get in, no distancing at all, and not a mask in sight. She was horrified. I was horrified. She said the whole street was like that. I haven’t really seen the outside world other than to take the cars for a ride every week to lubricate things (with an occasional stop at gas station), so it was just mindboggling to me. Most of my media feed has been people maskless and out at restaurants and wineries, and while I judge the fact that different people are close together without masks every few days (i.e., far beyond a limited bubble, vs. we only see us and our parents), at least the tables are spread out and there is distancing between parties. None of that in the bar photos….This is why we can’t have nice things, like basic public school.
Anon says
I honestly think if we closed all bars in the country we could manage this virus, and it seems like such a small price to pay for school and other sectors of our economy to reopen and stay open. Social distancing is impossible in a bar to begin with; and then you add alcohol which just makes it even harder There’s no way they should be open.
rosie says
Yes, we’re going about reopening in the wrong way. Bars, indoor gyms…why are they open? And people should still be allowed/encouraged to work remote once schools open. Schools need to be prioritized. Keeping workers at home to the extent possible will help contain outbreaks if they happen when schools are open for in-person learning.
Anne says
So agreed. Let’s spend our risk budget on schools not bars, gyms, or cosmetic surgery.
Anon says
I’m not an epidemiologist but I almost think just bars would be enough (though I definitely agree with the premise that – among the indoor, higher risk activities – schools should be first to open and last to close due to their necessity). At least in my area, the gyms are doing great with spacing people out and requiring masks. You can’t wear a mask when you’re drinking, and drunk people just can’t respect distancing the way sober people can. Plus, I think having bars opens just sends a message that things are back to normal, at least as far as socializing goes. At least in my area, there was a pretty dramatic uptick in cases tied to the bars reopening. I’m sure there were some actual outbreaks in bars, but I think a huge part of it is that people thought “woo, bars are open, it’s ok to have parties!” Closing bars reduces transmission in bars, but also sends a message that people shouldn’t be going out and socializing just for fun.
anon says
Good pick, April! These seem to be popular at my kiddo’s daycare. I, too, have no problem paying a little more for a quality pair of shoes that gets worn daily. The cost per wear ends up being pretty low.
ElisaR says
i will add that my first son had these shoes and my second son is wearing that pair now – they hold up pretty well! and that really lowers the cost per wear!
anon says
This article in Politico makes the case well:
“I’ve been really struck by how much the federal government scrambled to save the airlines — “Oh, wouldn’t it be terrible for our economy if we lost all our airlines?” I guess it wouldn’t be great. But how terrible would it be for our economy if we lost all our child care and our schools? That would be way worse than losing our airlines! That would leave not only the current working generation unable to go back to work in the same way, it would mean that we are not preparing the next generation so that they have skills. I mean, it is so substantially worse than losing your airlines. And yet we gave less money to the entire child care sector than we gave to one single airline, Delta. I don’t mean to pick on Delta, but it seems crazy that we care more about saving Delta Airlines than we do about the entire child care industry.
Child care is one of those issues where we still really think it’s a personal problem: ‘You made the choice to have those little rugrats. You deal with them.’ Compare that with elder care. We recognized it was a social issue. We built a series of nursing homes and institutional care, and we have societal grants to cover some of that through Medicaid. But with child care, we’ve said this isn’t a social issue. And I think the pandemic has revealed that it is a social issue.
Child care is not a personal issue, it’s not a women’s issue; it’s actually an economic issue. It’s an economic issue because we need to invest in children. We know early childhood education is one of the most effective investments a taxpayer could ever make. Every dollar we put into it comes back to us many, many times over in terms of higher earnings — which means that they pay for higher future taxes — and fewer negative social effects. They’re less likely to engage in crime, less likely to have learning disability issues that then taxpayers are on the hook to cover. Investing in children, making sure they get that right start, is worth it. No question.
What I find particularly worrisome is we’re sort of leaving parents on their own to figure it out. You see highly educated households with a lot of income saying, ‘OK, well, I’ve got to hire somebody. I’m going to spend money.’ And then you have people very upset about the inequality that comes from high-income people spending a lot on the problem. But leaving an entire generation of children behind is not a great solution either. We really need to say this is our first priority. And I hope everybody blows up the phones of their members of Congress and says, ‘If this is not the most important issue in your next stimulus bill, then your priorities are out of whack.”
https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2020/07/23/child-care-crisis-pandemic-economy-impact-women-380412
Cb says
I swear, if parents had the high priced lobbyists of the airline industry, the hospitality industry, etc, we’d have much better outcomes.
Realist says
I’m in on the lobbyist. My weekly calls to my reps do not appear to be making a dent. One rep is amazing and doing all they can, but Washington is so messed up. The other one just feels like a lost cause. I’m going to add state legislators to my list as I haven’t been as active there.
GCA says
I have $35 in my wallet. Is there a GoFundMe to pay parent lobbyists? Where do I sign up?
Realist says
I know this is a joke but I’ve got my mind going on this right now . . .
Anonymous says
The problem is that this isn’t really affecting “parents.” It’s affecting moms (not saying dads are enjoying this, but statistically it’s moms having to quit jobs or go part-time). And this is just more proof that our society doesn’t care about women.
Anonanonanon says
Wait but seriously. We have AARP for seniors…. we need something with a voice for parents.
Anon says
Have you sent an email or called your local and state politicians to advocate for schools and childcare? Posting on this board wont make a difference. Please do reach out.
Blueberries says
Thank you for sharing this, OP!
Learning Pod says
Apologies if this has been discussed a million times, I haven’t been able to keep up here over the past few weeks.
I’m putting together a learning pod of 5 families and a teacher – my daughter can’t do another school year on zoom and it seems like that’s the direction our pre-K is heading in. One of the families who wants to join has a number of questions about who is going into an office and how they’re commuting. Right now, most are wfh or driving to a very limited office (think: traders on a trading floor at 5% capacity). Things might develop for better or worse between now and the end of the session in November.
How would you handle the parameters for something like this? Do you think it’s ok to say no public transportation or something like that?
Spirograph says
I don’t think you can set parameters around people’s lives like that. Are you babysitting each other constantly? You’d be setting up an environment that encourages people to lie. I would approach it more as,
We’re doing xyz, what are you doing? OK, I’m cool with that. Can we all agree that we’ll tell each other if we need to go to the office, if our office capacity policies change dramatically, if we need to use public transit, etc? That way everyone can make informed risk decisions.
Anonymous says
I think it depends on what the people in the group want.
Anonymous says
Public transport only if wearing a mask seems reasonable.
anonanon says
We’re not doing a learning pod but have started talking with a group of 4 families about regular playdates so our 3.5yos can interact with their peers. All the families have a sah parent (for this year, at least) so only one parent has any potential workplace exposure. Our parameters are that driving to a limited office is fine, as long as there is mandatory (actually followed) mask use in public areas of the building. Public transit to work is not okay, and neither is going to a more crowded building. One parent is a school administrator and we’re letting that family stay in as long as the schools are remote, so it’s just teachers/admin in the building. If that school system switches to having kids, even at 50% capacity, the risk increases enough that they’ll withdraw from the playdate pod.
anonanon says
Re-reading this it sounds kind of harsh, but this was what we all agreed on during a Zoom call, so it’s not that one family is dictating what everyone else can do. We did have an additional family that wanted less risk (they have a newborn) so backed out.
OP says
Some of what’s tricky here is that there’s tuition involved – it’s $2k for the fall session so I feel like parameters to be clearly outlined in advance. If 4 families are paying partly to reduce their exposure/risk, it’s not fair for the fifth to decide in October that they’re fine taking the subway.
anon says
True, but I think you get into issues of policing people’s behavior. One family might decide it’s fine to take the subway–or that they’re not comfortable with it, but don’t have a good option. Another might decide it’s fine to drive to Florida to visit grandma and 10 other relatives for Thanksgiving, or for a funeral, etc. Another might decide that weekly restaurant meals are OK, even when they’re inside once the weather gets cold.
Anonymous says
I think that has to be up to the families involved – it doesn’t really matter what we think; you all need your own consensus if this is going to work.
AnotherAnon says
This is exactly why we’re not doing a learning pod. It’s all verbal contracts, which is fine, but that’s too risky for my taste. My day care can at least mandate some hard lines and if people don’t like it/agree, they will be asked not to come back to day care.
AnotherAnon says
These are the things my day care has mandated upon reopening (there have been zero transmissions so far, but we’re very small): masks for adults (parents and teachers). Contactless kid drop off: one adult exits the car to get his kid out, other families must wait in their cars until the parent has re-entered their car. Adults are not allowed inside the building. Kids must wash hands upon entering the building, and at intervals throughout the day. Kids are assigned the same work space for the full day (but kids may choose their space each day, since it’s Montessori). Social distancing among kiddos is highly encouraged (not fully enforceable with 18 months to 10 year olds but they’re trying) – Xs mark 6 foot distanced seating areas. No shared food, no shared work spaces. Everything is fully sanitized each day. If families travel intra-state or via air, they are asked to keep their kids home for 14 days upon return. I think these are things you can ask, but since a learning pod is voluntary, you cannot mandate these things. My day care is having enough trouble getting families to quarantine for 14 days after AIR TRAVEL (come ON people!), so a learning pod seems higher risk to me but I understand you gotta do what you gotta do.
Realist says
I saw this yesterday. I think everyone in the pod absolutely has to be comfortable with and agree on parameters, with trusted lines of communication so people can let others in the pod know about relevant information if they stray outside the agreed risk parameters:
https://families.getselected.com/blog/establishing-a-health-and-safety-protocol-in-your-learning-pod
fallen says
I am an introvert and this pandemic is wearing me out bc of .. too many people, at all times. I spend a couple hours a day on zoom meetings. Anytime I come out to get coffee/water/food kids and nanny want to chat. As soon as work is done I am hanging out with my kids, and then with my husband until bedtime. I truly enjoy all this time and these people, but I also would like to have quiet time to myself and it’s impossible to find. I guess when I am working and not on Zoom but even then I share my office with my husband. I do go workout by myself (out of the house) every day which is nice, but doesn’t feel sufficient. I also realize this is a tiny problem in the grand-scheme of things, but i wonder if there’s anything I can do to make it better.
Anon says
I banish my husband and children for a car ride about once a week. Buys me an hour of peace and quiet and alone time. Sometimes they get gas, sometimes they go to the drive through car wash, sometimes they just go for a joy ride.
AnotherAnon says
I like the joyride idea. I sent DH and kiddo to MIL’s for a week (we all quarantined before and after). I still worked, but it was blissfully quiet and I had the evenings to myself. I only need about a week of alone time every 3 months though so YMMV.
Anonymous says
I set up my office space in our bedroom so I can be alone. It’s not super professional – my bed is featured prominently in the background of all my zoom calls – but it is better for me. (Also I always make the bed now). Husband has the actual office/project space/storage area, which is in closer proximity to our child downstairs. I also go running alone in the morning several days a week. But I hear you – I never thought I would miss my commute!
anon says
I don’t have many great suggestions, but I feel this down in my soul!
Cb says
I go for long walks with a podcast and banish my husband and son outside at some point during the weekend, and make sure to do the same for my husband, although he has less need of alone time than I do.
Anon says
I’m in the same boat. Hoping it gets better when daycare reopens. For now, DH and I alternate who does a long walk and playground trip with our toddler each morning (thank g-d for playgrounds – if we go back into full lockdown and the playgrounds close I will be absolutely bereft). We also do a fair amount of curbside pickup (him groceries, me library books) and whoever is doing that takes the kiddo along in the car.
EB says
I started going into my (otherwise deserted) office once a week for this reason.
Anonymous says
Putting together a list of book ideas for my two years old birthday. My husband put it together first and I asked him if any of the books featured girls. He was like, oh they’re about animals, it’s fine. I’ve started checking, and even though the books are about animals, literally every one is a “he.” AAAAAAAH. Any suggestions for cute books your two year old likes about either girls, or female animals? I often change the pronouns when I’m reading but would love not to do that for EVERY SINGLE book on the shelf.
Anon says
I mean this kindly, but I think this is a perfect example of why so many women here have such a problem with emotional labor. Your husband put together a list of books on his own. By all accounts, it’s a fine list and as you noted you can change pronouns when reading to a 2 year old. You don’t need to re-do the list and doing so 1) creates unnecessary work for you and 2) discourages your husband from doing things like this in the future, because he feels like all the work he put in was wasted. I’m not trying to pick on you, but it’s just a little ironic when there are posts nearly daily about how husbands won’t do tasks like this. This is why!
Anonymous says
Lot of assumptions here. I am not one of those posters who complains about her husband- the point of this was to complain about how the large majority of children’s books still default to male protagonists unless you are actively paying attention. My husband was not at all offended when I pointed this out. I think it’s a weird/sad comment that I should be so happy he did something for our kids that I shouldn’t criticize it in case he won’t do anything in the future.
Anon says
This is Sadie; Ten, Nine, Eight (by Molly Bang); Madeline, and the series including Ada Twist, Scientist books feature little girls
I Love All of Me and the Clive books have children of different genders
Lily says
Ask your husband to go back and pick two more books that feature a girl (human, not animal) and bonus points for a girl of color. Yes, you’re nit picking what your husband did, but you’re also teaching him that you both need to be active participants in raising your son to be a feminist and an anti-racist.
Realist says
I think this is the answer. Dads don’t get to shirk in this area and this stuff IS important. OP doesn’t need to be grateful that dad did the bare minimum and ignored the family’s values in choosing books. Based on a follow up comment by OP, it looks like dad is taking this as the learning opportunity it should be. I’m so glad to hear that.
Anon says
“Ignored the family’s values” is a super melodramatic way of describing making a list of books that are primarily about animals. I don’t think dads should get permission to do the bare minimum, but I don’t think that’s what the dad did here. Maybe he just… likes kids books about animals? Every person parents differently and the more latitude you give your partner to do things the way they want (within reason), the more involved they will be. At least that’s the conclusion I’ve drawn based on the families I know.
Anonymous says
“Ignored the family’s values in choosing books?”… “dad is taking this as the learning opportunity it should be”???
Wow, how is the view up there on your high horse? I think it’s fine for OP to ask her husband to add some books about girls to the list, and he should be happy to do it if she asks. But I cannot imagine speaking to or about another adult, let alone my partner, this way. The condescension in your comment is staggering.
Anonymous says
Yeah, this is over the top. He made a list of books with cute animal protagonists, and now he’s going to add some books about girl animals.
Realist says
I feel sorry for you if your family doesn’t have values that are worth getting your partner involved in.
Anonymous says
No need to feel sorry for me! My husband is the biggest feminist I know and puts his money where his mouth his by mentoring and promoting women at work and demonstrating feminism and anti-racism to our daughter every day through his words and actions. Forgive me for not wanting to divorce him because he likes reading her books about polar bears and sloths.
Anonymous says
This might be almost too simple bc it’s a board book but we still occasionally read it at age 4 – “I Know a Lot” by Stephen Krensky. The protagonist is a (nonwhite) girl. “The Snowy Day” remains a hit (nonwhite boy).
One of our favorite books ever since about 18 months features girls and boys with animals and it’s called our Animal Friends at Maple Hill Farm. It’s not a story so much as a pastiche of different animals, but that’s part of what we love about it. We can just reread the CATS section over and over, skip over GEESE (“they are too mean”), etc.
Anonymous says
I regret engaging in the discussion on the main page about the upstairs neighbor–single mother–whose 4 year old is running around all day and driving OP mad. She can’t understand why her neighbor won’t control her child.
Anon says
I don’t even read the main page anymore. Early in the pandemic there were quite a few people saying moms didn’t have any right to complain about working full time with no childcare because “you shouldn’t have had children if you didn’t want to take care of them.” As if we all signed up to be full time nannies or teachers in addition to our full time paying jobs. It wasn’t just one tr0ll, it was clearly a bunch of people including some named commenters. I haven’t read the main page since.
Anon Lawyer says
I quit when someone was arguing that we could stop the Pandemic if fat people just suddenly lost a bunch of weight and the rest of us shouldn’t have to social distance because it was their fault. I went back the other day just to check and someone was basically saying that same thing, so yeah. Back to not reading the main site.
Anonanonanon says
Yep I avoid it. Imagine having the time and energy to get as worked up as they do over there.
Anon says
They do get worked up about things in general, but there are also a lot of people there with a deep disdain for children. It comes up in other contexts, like kids on airplanes. I’m not a “kid person” and I don’t really enjoy spending time with kids that don’t belong to me or my best friends, but I know that kids have a right to exist in society and aren’t doing anything wrong by eating in a restaurant or having a conversation at normal volume on a plane. There are people on the main page who seem to genuinely want a world where kids aren’t allowed anywhere except schools and playgrounds, and/or believe that parents have a responsibility to use screens to keep kids completely silent (not even talking!) when they enter “adult” spaces like airplanes.
Realist says
I am sending good thoughts into the universe for that upstairs neighbor. Holding good thoughts for all single parents in the pandemic right now.
anon says
I regret engaging, too. I never want to pit parents vs. nonparents, but I am so sick of the jerky attitudes on the main board. There is some truth that if you’re not in the trenches, you just really don’t get it.
Anon Lawyer says
I also think the pandemic is bringing out everyone’s most extreme traits and a lot of people are falling into a trap of trying to blame someone. Which I kind of get – I personally am blaming the federal government for literally everything right now.
Realist says
Blame on. That is squarely where the blame belongs. I’m trying to be conscious to not let it sneak into conversations about teachers and others who are also in impossible situations because the federal government just completely f**ked up the pandemic response.
Anonymous says
Nearly everyone in the main page thought that poster was crazy. Even the non parents.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I also see a lot of comments like having kids is a “lifestyle choice” that only we parents need to recon with. Well, yes, I chose to have kids but who do you think is going to grow up to be your future doctor, home health caretaker, grocery store clerk, just general tax payer? Yes, little kids are tough and loud and have tantrums but these are human beings and regardless of whether you choose to have your own, we all are dependent on other human beings so the well being of kids is in everyone’s interest. We should all be demanding better childcare access and protections, but in individualistic America, it’s turned yet again into our choice, our problem.
Anonymous says
I totally agree. You know what though, it’s not a choice for everyone anyways. Not all women have access to comprehensive sex Ed. Or birth control. Or their contraception fails. And then they don’t have access to abortion. 50% of pregnancies in the US are unplanned. Kids are happening, and will always happen, we need to support parents/kids
ElisaR says
well articulated!
Regular poster, but anon for this says
Paging Anooooooon from yesterday:
I have been thinking about your post and some of the comments you received all evening. I just wanted to come back this morning to tell you that I believe you when you say that (a) you are struggling to bill what you need to bill to make counsel, (b) hiring outside help poses a risk that you are not comfortable with, and (c) that you feel like something has to give. You are right that something has to — and will eventually — give, but right now you are in control over what that something is. In another few hours, or days, or weeks, or months, the thing(s) that give on their own may end up being the thing(s) you need the most.
Reading through the information you shared with us yesterday, it sounds like your current wants versus your needs may breakdown something like this:
-needs: your job since you are currently the sole breadwinner; your health; your sanity.
-wants: to continue nursing; to have a cleaner house; some more quality time with your family where you are not doing chores (e.g., putting them to bed) or feeling resentful.
I am sure there is more you would add to the lists.
I don’t have a suggestion on what exactly you should do to get your wants and your needs met. You received plenty of suggestions yesterday, and I agree with the idea that to get all of your wants and your needs met you will need to bring someone else into the picture. But I didn’t come here to tell you that.
I came here to tell you that I was in your position and I saw that the thing that was breaking for me was my sanity. One evening a couple of weeks ago, I was lying in bed and I suddenly became aware that my mind was mulling over the idea of what would happen if I hung myself on my balcony. It’s hard to describe but I didn’t actively think about the idea, like I didn’t think “I should go out there and hang myself.” It was like the thought was already there in my brain and then my brain was churning the idea. It was like someone else had planted the idea in my brain. When I snapped out of this state it was 1 a.m., I realize that I had fallen into a kind of a mental trance that lasted 3 hours. It was one of the scariest nights of my life because I’ve never had these kinds of thoughts and my son was sleeping next to me as I became aware that my mind was churning this idea. I cried and held my son as he slept. The next day, I brought back my nanny.
Anonymous says
This is really really scary. I’m glad you brought back your nanny but I STRONGLY encourage you to seek out professional mental health assistance and/or call a suicide hotline right now. What you are talking about is suicide ideation. I’m not going to mince words. You matter. People care about and love you and want/need you here and alive. Please get some help.
Regular poster, but anon says
Thank you so much for your kind words! Bringing the nanny back has spun me back by a complete 180 and I really do believe that it was the pressure of working full time while being a full time carer for my family that was pushing me to the edge. But like I said, the episode was so scary that I started video sessions with a therapist later that week. I just cold called folks and found someone that took me in.
Anonymous says
I’m so glad!
Anonymous says
I’m glad you got some help and I hope it has made a difference. Take care!
lsw says
Hugs to you both. Regular Poster, sounds like you handled this just right.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I missed the last few days of discussion until late at night because we’ve now had to deal with one of the drawbacks of daycare – kids being sent home for illness and staying home until they’re fever-free for 72 hours. While I appreciate the extra precautions they’re taking in theory, it just means that we’re the ones having to again watch the kids (both kids were sent home even though the older one didn’t have a fever) for days and getting stressed out by trying to fit work in between the day. I know we’ve talked about back-up care, or the lack thereof, but for those who’ve sent their kids back to daycare – what have you done for these days? Just suck it up and have the parents switch off? Bring in local highschoolers for a couple of hours? Grandparents?
Anon says
I would s*ck it up, but if your jobs or family situation make that impossible I would look for a high schooler. Grandparents would be a total non-starter for me because what if it’s Covid?
Anonymous says
What on earth? No high school kid’s parents would ever let them sit for sick kids in the age of Covid. And if you try to get around that by failing to disclose that the reason you need a sitter is that your kids have been excluded from day care for illness, you are a terrible human being.
Anon says
I was thinking that this could be after they’re fever free for 24 hours, so they can’t go back to daycare but are not sick under the normal definition. A teenager could also just supervise them on a playground for a few hours, no need to get close or be indoors. If I had a teen I would let them babysit in that situation.
Absolutely you have to disclose the situation, I was not suggesting lying at all.
Over Covid says
I think for the same reason the high schooler would be out. With COVID in the mix, I think you really have to suck it up as much as it really really sucks. But bringing in another caregiver would undermine the point of quarantine
Anonymous says
This is why paying for day care is not worth it. I’d just throw in the towel with day care and look for a nanny or flex schedules.
Anon says
How often do your kids get sick at daycare? Except for a few months in the winter, illnesses are less frequent than once a month for us and I imagine all the Covid precautions would reduce that even further? Also for me, the social benefits of daycare are with it even if I only had care 75% of the time. YMMV.
Anon says
Worth it*
Anonymous says
2x/month.
Anonymous says
I’m not trying to be snarky, but I would mention this to your pediatrician. 24 illnesses per year is really a lot even in a daycare kid. I have a family member that’s an immunologist and that would trip the trigger for follow up testing, even if the illnesses are minor. The rule of thumb my ped gave us was one illness per month the first year in daycare (average, concentrated in the winter) and about half that thereafter. That was pretty spot on for us, although there are always some winters that seem to hit a little harder than others, I guess just because the viruses in circulation in our area are new-to-us.
Anonymous says
Our ped said this was normal.
Anon says
Many pediatricians aren’t knowledgeable about primary immune deficiencies; I would not just take their word for it. I think doctors often downplay issues on the assumption that we’ll just keep complaining if there’s anything really wrong.
Anonymous says
We just decided to go with a nanny because 2 year old was sick 2/3 of the year last year. Mostly minor colds but stuff that would now keep him home for 72 hours weekly.
Anon says
Oh wow, excluding for colds seems really extreme. Our daycare only excludes kids who are running a fever, and we only get fevers for ear infections or the rarer viruses like roseola or RSV.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Our older one didn’t really get fevers with colds, just the usual runny noses and coughs. Our younger one seems to be more prone to getting fevers with illnesses. Before, we’d just keep the one home (our older one hadn’t been sent home for over a year before this), but now both kids are sent home as it’s in the household. I’m not sure if that rule will change.
In any case, I know you’re all right that we need to just suck it up and watch the kids, and accept this as one of the risks of daycare. I think if it keeps happening at least once a month, then we may need to look for alternate arrangements for just the toddler as we really want the older one in school/pre-K (at the daycare).
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
We are in the middle (maybe peak is over? Hopefully? I don’t know…) of a surge, so different than where the Boston-area is at, but FWIW…we pulled DS out of daycare once there were confirmed cases in his class (2 blissful weeks after sending him back, sigh) we’re just sucking it up until things look better. My parents are local but Dad is in the highest risk category so I still don’t feel great about seeing them sans mask/distancing, given current status of things here. Right now, for us personally, the risk/anxiety of bringing in a new nanny/sitter we don’t know and vetting them on social distancing/masking outside of their work seems more stressful than having a loud toddler crash blocks while I work.
Again, no judgement on whatever folks decide, but this is where we’re at. Hope this gives some clarity to your risk tolerance/level given the general situation in your area.
Anon says
Even if you do a nanny there are still issues. We picked a nanny who could get to us via car, didn’t have her own kids, had a spouse who was at the time work from home and when he did go back to the office would be in a reasonably low risk setting. Nanny’s husband works in an open plan office but with only one other person in a large open indoor space. They maintain 6 feet of distance at all times and wear masks since returning to work. They also try to stagger their schedules so they aren’t in the office at the same time all the time. Despite all of this I have just spent last week waiting to find out if my nanny was positive for Covid (thankfully she wasn’t – Nanny’s husband was exposed at work by his sole co-worker.) Then this week my husband came down with a an unexplained high fever so we had to send the Nanny home and my husband had to isolate from kiddo and me while awaiting his results. So its been 2 weeks with partial or no child care for me – with my young toddler. This is for sure going to result in me not being promoted and now possibly I will be fired for poor performance. Part of me just wants to give up and quit now. At least then I wouldn’t have to deal with work stress while also being a terrible parent and paying for a nanny. But no part of me wants to be a stay at home parent. I am just so done and that’s not an option.
Walnut says
We hope and pray for Thursday fevers.
Anonymous says
Lol!! So true.
Anonymous says
I agree you can’t really bring in a babysitter when they’re home sick from daycare. In your shoes, I would try to line up some regular weekend help. On weeks that the kids go to school full-time, you can cancel it or use it as time to yourselves. On weeks that the kids are home sick, you spend quality time with them during the week and use the weekends to catch up on work. Basically, get backup childcare but not for the sick days. Get it for the weekends so you can regularly reverse your weekdays and weekends as needed.
anne-on says
Paging KW (and others who need uniform-y clothes) – Jcrew is running 60% off their sale styles and there are lots of chinos and polos in there for boys.
KW says
Thank you!!
SF says
not sure if I’m posting too late but any recommendations for baby scales? due in three weeks and the pediatrician recommended it to limit in person appointments (thanks covid).
CCLA says
We used the taylor salter one and it worked well. Available from the usual places.
Realist says
Check for a toddler mom’s group in your area, someone might have one that they want to pass on or let you borrow.
Anonymous says
You can also sometimes rent them from breastfeeding support centers. In DC this is the Breastfeeding Group of DC. But I find the pediatricians office to be extremely cautious about exposure so if you do have to take baby I wouldn’t stress too much
Anon Lawyer says
Whatever you do, don’t buy a low bidder from Amazon. That’s what I did and it turned out to be completely useless if the baby didn’t stay 100% still. Definitely worth splurging on a name brand (Hatch maybe? I like their noise machine/nightlight).
Anonymous says
I had this combo scale & tub and really liked it. Scale seemed pretty accurate, it always matched the readings we got at doctor’s appointments. https://www.amazon.com/Aquascale-3-1-Baby-Bath/dp/B00WGSZ8L0