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Updated: Jul 29, 2021 225 Comments · by

Family Friday: Kids’ Days Of The Week Ankle Socks

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kids\' day of the week ankle socks

I usually love picking out (or helping to pick out, in the case of my 6-year-old) clothes for my kids. But some days, it just feels like more decision fatigue.

This set of days-of-the-week ankle socks from The Children’s Place is one fewer thing you have to think about. As the name suggests, there are seven different colored pairs, one for each day of the week. My toddler son has similar socks, and each morning, I just grab the day’s pair and stick them on his wiggly little feet. No need to decide what color, style, or cut.

A 7-pack of these socks is on sale for $10.47 (down from $14.95) with free shipping. They come in sizes S (11–13) to XL (7–8).

Sales of note for 11.28.23…

(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)

Kid/Family Sales

  • BabyJogger – 25% off 3 items
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  • Graco – Up to 30% off car seats
  • Nordstrom – Big deals on CRANE BABY, Petunia Pickle Bottom, TWELVElittle and Posh Peanut
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About Ann

Ann is a working mom, a longtime reader of Corporette and CorporetteMoms, and has been writing our morning fashion advice for working moms since November 2020! She has a daughter (born winter 2014) and a son (born fall 2019) and is a public interest lawyer in Washington, D.C.

Comments

  1. Anon says

    Jumping off yesterday’s thread a bit, we’re looking at spending 4 weeks elsewhere in the US next summer working remotely and vacationing. Does anyone have ideas? Requirements are a variety of kid activities for 5 and 3 year old (ie berry picking, farms, museums, zoo, beaches, playgrounds etc.) all fairly close together and half day summer camp options for both of them that I can sign up by the week for. The more affordable parts of the Hamptons seem to fit the bill here but I’m not sure if the Hamptons are special if you’re not coming from NYC and have the whole country open to you. Tia!

    • Anon says

      Maine coast! Although it’s more nature stuff than museums and zoos. I don’t think the Hamptons are special. We used to visit my cousins who had a house there and I thought it was super boring.

      • Op says

        Thank you!! I’m not sure if the 5 and 3 year old crowd can do much in the way of hikes or real nature stuff? Are day camps available?

        • Anon says

          I’m most familiar with the Bar Harbor/Acadia area. College of the Atlantic has awesome day camps and there’s also a Y but I’m not sure either takes 3 year olds. There are probably more camp options in the Portland area.

          • Anon says

            And my 3 year old loves Maine despite not doing any serious hiking. There are beaches, tide pools with wildlife, swimming, boating, blueberry picking, mini golf, oceanarium with touch tanks, preschooler friendly hikes/walks, and popovers and blueberry pancakes, just to name a few of the things we regularly do with kids 3 and under.

          • Pogo says

            We love mid-coast – Popham Beach and Reed. We stayed in Brunswick one year, which is a college town so there was a bit more going on.

          • Anonymous says

            I would pick Bar Harbor for a setup like this in a heartbeat. Love, love, loved our trip there with preschoolers (2 and 4 at the time).

      • So Anon says

        100% Agree. But book early. The Maine coast has been absolutely crazy this year. I love the Portland area and would look for an AirBnB anywhere from Cape Elizabeth to Brunswick for three weeks and then take a true vacation week up in Acadia. There is a ton in the Portland area for the 3-5 crowd and parents too. I am personally a fan of the breweries with outdoor seating and playgrounds. There are gorgeous parks (Portland Head Light and Fort Williams), beaches (Willard Beach and Popham), lots of hiking of all skill levels, the restaurants are great (Old Port), and there are many many day camps available. Check out Wolfe’s Neck Farm Camp and NYA for the 3-5 age. Note that the popular summer camps open registration in December/January and often are booked by February.

    • NYCer says

      The Hamptons are definitely nice (though tbh, I am less familiar with the “affordable” parts of the Hamptons – where are you looking?). Lots of NYC families spend the summer there, so there are tons of kids activities. The beaches are beautiful. Sag Harbor, Southampton and East Hampton all have very cute downtowns. You can find all the activities you described other than a zoo.

      Have you considered Nantucket? I also think somewhere near Portland, Maine would be nice (Kennebunkport or Ogunquit areas?). Or somewhere in Rhode Island (Little Compton, Narragansett, Watch Hill).

      • NYCer says

        One more random suggestion is Balboa Island (Newport Beach), California. I love it there.

        I also agree with the poster below re CO if you’re open to non-beach locations.

    • Anon says

      I’d go to Colorado! No zoos, but somewhere I’d be really happy to spend four weeks. Lots of kids camps. I’m partial to Aspen/Snowmass but any of the resort areas would work!

      • OP says

        I love the idea of CO but again is there a variety of things to do other than hiking? I’m just not sure how much my 3 and 5 year Olds can do.

    • Anon says

      II have done exactly what you are describing for the past month in Southampton! The Hamptons have tons of kids camps of all varieties, plus tennis, mini golf, great farms, a great children’s museum and art museum with kids programming, great playgrounds and beaches (but admittedly, no zoo haha). You have to have tolerance of VERY conspicuous displays of obscene wealth though – living in NYC I’m used to just ignoring that kind of thing but I know it really gets on some people’s nerves. Otherwise it’s pretty great! Albeit $$$. I do love maine though that’s where I spent summers as a kid so hard to beat it.

      • Op says

        Can you tell me more about this obscene wealth display ha? We’re well off but it is insane with all the stereotypes around the Hamptons that I don’t know of my kids would feel out of place at summer camp etc. They might be too young to care.

        • buffybot says

          Parts of the Hamptons are much more Conspicuous Wealth than others. I think South, Bridge and East are the worst offenders — like does your house have its own croquet court, putting green, tennis facilities? Does your kid only dress in Ralph Lauren and have her own golden goose sneakers? Polo matches, private jets zooming overhead, etc.

          I spend a fair deal of time out there because we’re lucky to have inlaws with a house. It’s beautiful for a break from NY but I don’t know that I would pick it if you weren’t local. Traffic is TERRIBLE and makes things like grocery shopping a drag. Restaurants are expensive and Not That Great. People are ridiculous. But, the beaches are lovely, the farmstands are great and parts of it are much more normal.

          • OP says

            Perfect this answers my question that the Hamptons aren’t for us, particularly because we aren’t in NYC! Thank you.

          • Anon says

            +1 this is my experience from visiting family in Southampton. The main things I remember are the traffic, the “fancy” restaurants (that I hated as a kid) and being very confused about our family members’ bragging about their beachfront property because it wasn’t any nicer than a random lake beach in my very boring Midwest home state. I don’t remember visiting before age 8 though. A 3 and 5 year old will probably be in seventh heaven as long as they can go to any kind of beach.

    • shortperson says

      socal. kids may be able to do san diego zoo summer camp, not sure of the minimum ages. but there are lots of other day camps around.

      • Anon says

        I wish I could go to San Diego Zoo summer camp. That sounds so fun. Could also do the Chicago area – the Museum of Science and Industry, Field Museum and Adler Planetarium all have camps, and you could visit Lake Michigan beaches on the weekends.

  2. Anonanonanon says

    One of the best decisions I made to streamline mornings was pick one kind of sock for each kid and buy it in bulk. It cut out my son trying to wear long black socks with shorts, mismatched socks that are visible, etc.

    • Ifiknew says

      Can you share what and where you buy? I have a 4 year old girl and 2 year old boy.

    • GCA says

      Yep! I’m team ‘bulk crew/ ankle socks’ for everyone (Old Navy, usually), and it works fantastically well until they become different degrees of dingy.

    • AwayEmily says

      I buy Old Navy socks and I have to admit I sort of love matching my kids’ socks to their outfits. I know someday they will insist on picking out their own (actually, my 3yo already sometimes does) but in the meantime Give Me All The Sock Varieties!

    • Spirograph says

      I’ve tried this, but my kids do not like “boring socks.” Two of them don’t even like their sock to match each other. Even if I put them in the drawer in pairs, they take them apart. It’s not a battle I pick, except on school picture day. They all enjoy wearing over-the-knee soccer and baseball socks when not playing those sports, too. I don’t understand the appeal because it’s hot enough without tall socks, but kids are weird.

    • Anon. says

      Absolutely agree. I’m pretty certain Day of the Week socks would result in meltdown when I had not done laundry appropriately and the correct day was not available.

    • Anon says

      This. My child gets white ankle socks and the beauty of it is they all match. I just buy them in bulk. Tucker and Tate ones from Nordstrom are the favorite for thinness and elasticity (apparently I am picky about socks, which is something I didn’t know because I almost never wear them).

    • Jeffiner says

      My kid has lots of colorful, fun socks, and I see no reason why they should match at all. I certainly don’t match them up from the laundry. Sometimes she picks matching ones from her drawer, sometimes she doesn’t. Meh. My MIL also enjoys wearing mismatched fun socks, and purposefully buys the sets that don’t come in pairs.

      For her school uniform, my daughter has to wear socks that are all white, and visible. Usually she wears white knee socks, but some days she’ll choose one knee sock and one crew length sock. Or some days she’ll roll one or both knee socks into donuts around her ankles.

  3. Anon says

    I’m currently on sabbatical and deciding whether to come back to work in the fall. Was very lucky to be able to take time off to manage the family (3 young kids) during the pandemic and this past summer, with the expectation that I’d rejoin my office once they’re all back in school full time. I’ve discovered (maybe it’s obvious?) that life runs SO much smoother when I’m not working and I’ve even found myself enjoying this SAHM period of time. My hitch is that I’d be giving up (at least temporarily) a position that would basically be the pinnacle of my career, a set of coworkers that I really love, and that intellectual stimulation that comes from the workplace. My husband out-earns me by a significant amount so our finances aren’t a factor. He’s been supportive of whichever decision I make but acknowledges that life is easier when I’m home. This is over simplifying it to a large degree but I’m having a tough time making a decision. Have any of you ladies decided to take a temporary break from work to stay at home? Would love some insight from fellow professionals!

    • Anonanonanon says

      I did not enjoy my time as a SAHM so my response will be biased, just to put that out there.
      However, even when I made much less than I do now, the factors I considered were:
      -My child’s (now children’s) benefits from attending preschool/daycare
      -Contribution to a retirement system
      -Maintaining a current resume should something (god forbid) ever happen to my husband
      -The benefit to my future earning power
      -The things we use the “fun money” I made for (while it didn’t seem a lot each month, if I looked at my total take-home it was clearly a nice vacation and a few date nights throughout the year without worrying about the sitter/dinner bill!)
      -My feeling of being a more well-rounded and satisfied individual when working
      -The (self-imposed!) feeling that I needed to “ask permission” or discuss purchases more with my husband if I wasn’t earning income

      • Anon says

        Anonanonanon- When we lived on my income and my spouse wasn’t working, he absolutely never felt the need to “ask permission” with regard to finances. He repeatedly told me to say “our money” whenever I said “my money.” Women don’t have to default to a position of powerlessness even if they aren’t earning income. Men certainly don’t.

        • Anon says

          Yeah, but it’s a rare man that doesn’t derive power from being the sole earner, and the power can be toxic even if the woman isn’t guilt tripping herself. My mom leaned out in various ways (2 years unpaid leave when I was born, then part-time until I was in elementary school) and she always says she and my dad would be divorced if she’d quit completely. And I promise my dad isn’t some kind of power-tripping a-hole. It just changes the dynamic, especially if the person who quits has any interest (a hobby, travel, etc) that they want to spend money on that the other person doesn’t share. The only situations in which I’ve seen it work well are when the spouse who quit is naturally the saver who wants to pinch pennies and the spouse who is still working is naturally the spender who wants to outsource things and splurge on travel and stuff like that.

          • Anon says

            It sounds like you internalized your mom’s story, which is perfectly natural, but her experience doesn’t apply to everyone.

          • Anon says

            It may not be everyone, but from what I’ve seen with friends and other people I know, it’s very common and I think it’s naive to assume it won’t happen to you just because your husband is a good guy.

    • Anon says

      I wouldn’t give up a job with great coworkers and intellectual stimulation lightly. I also don’t like the idea of just relying on one persons income because even a great marriage can end unexpectedly. The latter is the primary reason I’m still working my boring unfun job. It sounds like you’re very affluent so I would outsource everything you can. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with throwing essentially all your salary at household help if you can afford it, because you can cut back on those things quickly if your financial situation changes.

      • anne-on says

        We switched from having an au pair to having a part time nanny and it is SO amazing. The au pair could only do stuff for kiddo, the nanny will do our laundry, run errands, walk our dog, etc. I feel like I have so much more time back in my day! Not sure of your kids ages but this is a really common thing around here where people look more to find ‘household managers with light child care’ once their kids are in late elementary/middle/high school. You don’t really need someone to bathe your kid/put them to bed (typical babysitter stuff) as much as you need someone to supervise homework/do the driving/take care of household errands.

      • anon says

        +2 agree with all of this. Also, my DH (unlike yours) is not comfortable with me staying at home full time (in part because although he is a high earner, he worries that something could happen with his job someday and then we’d be SOL).

    • Anon says

      If you’re confident you can get back in down the road (try and keep your skills fresh) and your family doesn’t need the financial support, I’d 100% stay home. Life is short to be hurrying and frantic as it can feel with young kids and two full time parents.

      • Anon says

        I agree. This is a choice many families embrace. Sure, there are pros and cons, but that doesn’t mean it may not be the right choice for any one person.

    • Boston Legal Eagle says

      I personally would not be comfortable with the idea of relying entirely financially on my spouse. It’s true that you will be doing a lot for your family, but the reality is that money and financial sufficiency is power and if something happened to your marriage/husband, then what would you do? Of course everyone is happily married until they’re not. I think I would also drift apart from my husband if I didn’t have work battle stories to share and just the sense of us being in the same place in terms of both working and managing a house/kids. Other people may disagree but that’s not the kind of marriage I want.

      Plus, as a coworker to people like your husband who has a SAHW to make everything happen…I don’t really want it to be easy! How can I succeed when I can’t (and don’t want to) give everything to work? Not your problem of course, but still thought I would throw that out there.

      • Pogo says

        A woman in my local mom’s group lost her husband unexpectedly and she is lost. It’s very sad and makes me even more frustrated about our lack of social safety net in the US, but think about everything you rely on your spouse for when you don’t work. I would not want to risk that personally.

    • GCA says

      The longest parenting break in my working life was about six months with a baby, so that colors my answers a bit, but here are things I would think about:

      Temporary break from work: How long of a break do you anticipate? What field are you in? How will you keep your skills up to date while parenting full-time? Can you speak to other women in your field – mentors, advisors – about their experiences with this and how easy it might be to return to your field later on?

      Identity and satisfaction: How much do the paid work and the intellectual stimulation of the workplace matter to your identity? On the flip side, what gives you most satisfaction from being home with kids? How might you anticipate the balance of these factors to shift in future?

      Relationship with spouse/ family: How has your relationship with your spouse and family changed now that you are not in paid work? How much do the paid work and the intellectual stimulation matter to your relationship with your spouse?

    • Anonymous says

      I think this is a bad idea for all the reasons my mom did. You won’t find it easy to go back. You’ll not have an identity outside of wife and mother. You’ll be giving away your best earning years. You’ll lose power in your relationship.

      Frankly. I find it disturbing your husband is encouraging you to not work because it makes his life easier instead of figuring out how to even the load and get more support.

      I know people hate to hear it but this is just the patriarchy. Don’t pretend you are somehow unique and special.

    • Anonymous says

      During the post-Lehman crash I had a newborn and worked 2 weeks / month, but was on for 18 hour days those weeks; the other two weeks work was dead in the water and I was basically a SAHM those weeks. It was the best time I’ve ever had as a parent. Kid went to bed for the night by 6:30, so my work weeks I barely saw her other than asleep. I’d trade anything for that now.

      Question: can you be a “consultant” for maybe 10-20 hours a week? I think that would keep your options open if you wanted to dial it back.

    • Anonymous says

      Is there a compromise? I also left my job near the top of my career. I work about 10-15 hours/week in a consulting capacity in my former industry. I generally charge about $250/hr, which ends up being a nice balance of interesting work, earning enough to be “worth it” for our family, but also leaving me substantial family time.

      If / when / as the kids get older, I will have some good re entry options for a full time role, though probably not at the C-suite where I would be if I stayed full time. I’m fine with that.

    • Mary Moo Cow says

      What if you went back to work for an imaginary trial period and then made your decision? The heart wants what the heart wants, and the practical concerns others have raised are valid, but still…if you’re enjoying it and it’s working for your family, I would say don’t sacrifice your happiness and family’s happiness for “what if” future financial scenarios. None of us have a crystal ball to say that future you will have no identity outside mom.

      • Anonymous says

        We don’t need a crystal ball. We have the experiences of real life women over generations.

        • Anonymous says

          Y’all gonna @ me but my mom quit the work force in 1985 and went back in 2000. Taught herself excel. Now she’s the sole breadwinner for herself and my disabled dad. She has a high school diploma. Not every woman who leaves the work force is a helpless little bunny.

          • Anonymous says

            I’m the former 50%er above and co-sign. A lot of men restarted from scratch after Lehman (and women, too). I’ve had to do it after the law changed and new fields have come and gone. If you are sharp and have to do it, you can do it. I’d try to dial back where you can — if you “consult”, no one knows if it is for 10 hours just with them or 80+ with many clients.

            My sibling had to restart from scratch post-divorce and what truly made it hard for her was: only 1 year of work history, not being licensed in her field in her location, and being the person who gets into workplace feuds and brings the drama. Which is why she is struggling. You don’t sound like that.

          • Anonymous says

            That’s so great! Idk why you’d rely on being an impressive exception.

          • Anonymous says

            I know three really successful women attorneys who went to law school when their kids were in middle school. You can do a lot of things later on if you need to and/or want to. And I know three guys who went to med school much later in life after doing other things.

          • Spirograph says

            Right, I don’t know if anyone would argue that leaving the workforce now means leaving the workforce forever. My mom quit working when I was born and 13 years later my parents divorced and she got a 2nd masters degree and started over as a teacher, because it was impossible to go back to her original field. She would have needed to completely retrain for that, too, because it had changed so much. I think what people are saying (or at least what *I’m* saying) is you can’t pop in and out. If you leave for more than a year or two, all bets are off. You’ll need to work hard to reskill or update your skills. OP said she was happy with her current position. That position, or one like it, probably won’t be available to her when she’s ready to come back.

    • anonymous says

      I’m much too risk averse to ever stop working permanently. For all of the reasons people listed – intellectual stimulation, contributions to my 401k, financial freedom, family changes, etc. My dad’s business crashed and burned after 9/11 and after many many years of out earning my mom her stable union job with a pension and good benefits kept them afloat until they could retire.
      To the point below – ‘every marriage is good until it isn’t’ – at one point I threatened to leave my husband over his drinking. I had called lawyers, called realtors, and got my financials in order. I was dead serious, told him the steps I had taken, and said he could quit or I would kick him out, and even if he went to therapy I reserved the right to leave if I felt he wasn’t fully on board. He quit, went to counseling, we did couples and individual therapy. No way would I have felt empowered to give him that sort of ultimatum if I knew I couldn’t support myself and our kids on my own.

    • Mommasgottasleep says

      I got laid off in March (not unexpectedly). For the first six weeks, I really really enjoyed not working. I’m on month four now and honestly I’m bored and lonely. I have no local friends, and I’m struggling to meet new people. I’m thinking of this as temporary.
      Things I love about not working: I can do a lot of spur of the moment things. My house is clean. I don’t spend weekends doing chores. I can plan what I’m going to make for dinner that morning instead of days before. My mornings aren’t bananas: I can drink coffee in my pjs. I never have to crack open my laptop after I put the kids to bed. I don’t use online shopping as a distraction anymore. I literally have 50% of my brain back since I’m never thinking about or worrying about work.
      Things I miss about working: dressing like a grownup, eating lunch with adults, hearing the scuttlebutt, sharpening my skills, contributing significantly to our household income, showing my kids that moms working is normal.
      I think it’s totally fine if you stop working for a while or forever, as long as you and your partner are on the same page and have a plan. Make sure your partner has life insurance and you may want to look into STD. I’m covered if DH dies (god forbid) but if he’s disabled I’ll have to go back to work. And that’s fine: I’m planning to go back anyway just a few thoughts for discussion with your partner if you’re thinking of making this permanent.

    • So Anon says

      To add to the chorus: I advise against becoming entirely financially dependent on your spouse. It seems like a great idea unless the bottom falls out, and that can happen so fast and unexpectedly. Sorry to be a downer, but I speak from experience. When I needed to leave my marriage, I was so grateful that I could entirely support myself and my children with my career. I see so many women who want to leave their marriages, and the financial aspect keeps them tied to an unhealthy relationship. If you have the financial means, then outsource all the things you can and keep a foot in the workforce.

      • Anonymous says

        To piggy back on this, keep in mind that alimony and child support take some time to get. It’s not instant. It could be 4 months until you get your first hearing. You need to have savings to bridge that gap. If I was ever going to be a SAHM I’d want money in an account in my name only that could sustain a second household for 6 months. My spouse could know about the money but I’d want to be the only one that could access it.

    • Spirograph says

      How old are your kids? Bottom line: You need to be realistic about your re-entry possibilities. If/when I decide to leave the workforce, it will be with full expectation of never returning to my field. I don’t think it’s possible to truly step out and subsequently get back in at a level that would satisfy me, and I’ve seen this play out with my mom, friends and neighbors, leaving aside all the actual research and data. If you are OK giving up your career, go for it. But if you can’t make peace with the idea that you *will not* get back to where you are now, maybe it’s worth hanging onto for a while longer.

      As my youngest is starting K this year, it’s really driving home that daycare/preschool years are in many ways the easiest to work full-time through. I’m feeling a stronger pull to lean out now than I did when they were younger. First, because sub-preschoolers are exhausting and I *most* needed the break to be an adult and use my brain when my kids were really little. It is also much easier to find and use full-day childcare (of course there’s the cost, but there was no shortage of good options) for preschool and below. And you usually still have plenty of time to spend with your kids in the evening, because they’re not running off to hang out with their friends or play video games or go to sports practice. Now that there are school and activity logistics, it feels more complicated, and like there would be greater ROI to simplifying by stepping out. Financially, though, we’d have less money for activities if I had more time to facilitate them. :) Catch 22.

      I’ve also come to realize that my identity as an employee is important to me. Not so much that I love my job or am passionate about my career (I’m not), but I love that I have a role outside my family, I like having coworkers, the structure that comes with a work day, and being respected for my knowledge and skills. I could probably still get a lot of that from volunteering, but I also like having my own money. We 100% pool finances, but with my own income I can enjoy spending money in a way I know I wouldn’t if I didn’t get a paycheck.

      • Boston Legal Eagle says

        Yes, agree that it seems like early elementary years are when I would most want to be home with my kids more. I also think that preteens/teens will need ME or their dad more than any other caregiver, even if in fewer quantities and not in ways they can articulate, in a way that the little ones don’t. I’m hoping that the WFH flexibility among many employers now will help with this as my kids get older.

    • Aunt Jamesina says

      I would return to work to at least try it out, and see if you can outsource more of the tasks that get in the way of enjoying your time at home with your family.

      • AwayEmily says

        This is an excellent, succinct answer. The option to leave will always be there. The option to go back will not. Go back and see if you can make it work in other ways (outsourcing, cutting hours, etc) before making a final decision.

    • IHeartBacon says

      One thing to consider is that one of the reasons you have been able to enjoy this period of being at home is because you know there is currently an end date to it and it has allowed you to really savor the time as the clock counts down. This is much like when women are on maternity leave and are coming to the end of their leave and wondering whether they really want to return to work. My recommendation to you is the same I would give to them: return to work and then if you feel your world upend and you can’t right it over the next 3-6 months, then come back to the issue.

    • Anon says

      I outearned DH by about 3x. When we had our first child, he decided to stay home with her when I left maternity leave. She is now 4. I’m in biglaw. Life is easier with him home. We have talked a few times about him maybe going back to work once our kiddo is in elementary school (also related to whether we have a second kid) but honestly he seems happier not working. He doesn’t get the fulfillment from work that I do. However, I insist that he keep up with his CLEs and keep his law license active. He occasionally still does some small projects (a will here, a contract review there) on the side. He had his own practice, so he could start doing that up again tomorrow, or apply for a job in a local prosecutor’s office, if I get hit by a bus. Between my life insurance, our savings, and the money he anticipates inheriting as an only child (with parents that truthfully I would not expect to still be here in 5 years), I think it would be a long time before he would *have* to work. He has a sizeable nest egg as well from the decade he worked that is his money to play with (invest, use investment proceeds to buy expensive fun things). I put a set amount in the joint account every month for his regular bills and household bills, and the rest I keep for my bills, savings, joint investment accounts and large expenses (I’m more conservative from a financial perspective, so he’s fine with that). I generally don’t pay any attention to his spending unless it’s unusually high and then we go through to figure out what was so high – if a particular expense will be over $500 we usually talk about it and jointly decide.

    • HSAL says

      I’m leaving my job (lawyer) this month to stay home with my kids. For various reasons, finances are not a concern. Oldest is going to K and twins are 3 and will be going to a part-time preschool. I left a regulatory job I loved to try out part-time private practice, and the job changed on me and I don’t like it. I’d feel differently if it was a job I loved though, so I agree with prior posters to at least try to go back and just outsource the eff out of everything.

      I’ll revisit my decision if needed, but the current thinking is to get something part-time once the twins go to K in two years. But I also don’t know if I want to go back to law, so I’m considering a second degree or certification of some sort.

    • Anonymous says

      I left my job 3 years ago to SAHM but still read this Board. I had a good job and liked my team. We’re fine on one income. DH has a Big Job and is also in the Reserves, so we needed a primary parent at home. I love it and yes we find our lives less stressful than when I was working. I have a strong network of friends and other SAHMs. DD (4) is in preschool for mornings. DS (2) is with me all the time. I’m an expert in how to keep kids entertained in my area haha. I do think I’ll be able to go back PT in my industry if I want, but obviously haven’t tried this yet.

      I mean I guess yeh the worst could happen and DH could randomly leave me?? But I don’t think that’s going to happen haha. We’ve been together 12 years and married for 7. I mean yeh people surprise you with getting divorced…but frankly everyone I’ve known to divorce is not surprising to me. And if it does we’ll deal with it then. I have my education and experience and still maintain contacts in the field.

      • Anon says

        Yeah I think this board is very risk averse (hello lawyers, accountants and other type A ladies) and pro women working, which is great, but that model isn’t necessarily the right answer for everyone. Life can be very hard for two working parents, and I don’t think all women should miss out on the opportunity to stay home with their kids if that is truly what they want, what works for their family, and what brings them joy.

        • Anonymous says

          Yeh I mean with my DHs job/earning potential this just makes sense for us. Plus I missed my kid terribly every day at work. You know how pre-Covid a lot of women would say Monday morning at work felt like a “break” because all weekend with kids was intense? Yeh, that wasn’t me.

          • Anon says

            I have never felt that Monday morning was a break and absolutely live for the weekends with my kid, but I work for many of the reasons articulated on this thread.

      • Anon says

        For me the concern is less that my husband suddenly demands a divorce (because I agree that is relatively rare) but more that I would have to stay in a marriage that has become unhappy because I don’t have any way of supporting myself. Although to be fair that can be a concern for anyone who earns significantly less than their spouse and doesn’t want to give up their lifestyle, not just SAHMs.

      • Anonymous says

        My friends husband told her this summer he’s gay and walked out after 20 happy years.

    • anon says

      I am contemplating this a lot lately. I worked brutally hard to climb to the top of my profession (law). I have a very high-level job in the legal department of a public company (basically, the only step up would be to become GC of a public company), that includes a lot of visibility in my field. I’m at, or close, my professional peak and getting here was rough, rough, rough. My job is interesting, well-compensated, and I know that seeing a woman in this role is important for a lot of people.

      I also put off motherhood until very late, and have a one-year-old, and I am really struggling with whether to stay home with him. I am not someone for whom my career is my primary identity (this was the major knock on me at my biglaw firm, in fact – that I had too many interests outside of work), but this is a dream job and stepping away from it is very hard. At the same time, I waited ages to have this child. I want to be with him. And especially once we return to office, not seeing him except for an hour before I leave and an hour after I get home is going to feel awful. I’m already sad that the nanny, not me, is the first person to take him to story time at the library or outdoor music class in a park.

      So I don’t know what to do. My husband is an equity partner in a biglaw firm, and literally makes 10x my salary, so there is no financial need for me to work. We also have a prenup that protects me and our kiddo really well if we divorce, and a whole lot of savings if he were to die. Which means that in the end it’s really about my personal fulfillment, and it’s just…a really hard call to make.

      • Anon says

        Age 1 is pretty much peak “can’t leave my baby” or at least it was for me. They are so sweet and cute and happy all the time, but they also can’t really communicate at all. By age 2-3, they’re more frustrating and exhausting so a break is a little bit more welcome, and they’re also much more verbal so you can discuss all the fun plans you have for the weekends or evenings and share in the anticipation of future times together and the memories of past times together. Also, I don’t know if you plan to stick with nanny forever but I feel like by the time kids are 1.5 or 2 they get SO much out of going to school and being with peers. I literally have to drag my kid away from her school every evening. I honestly don’t even like my job at all and am underpaid, but I feel zero guilt about working and zero desire to stay home because I know I wouldn’t be a great SAHM to a preschooler (I would be an awesome one to a baby/1 year old though) and my kid has so much more fun going to school while I work and doing fun stuff with me on weekends.
        Tl;dr: at this age I REALLY wanted to stay home and am now so glad I didn’t. I would definitely try to stick it out for another year or two to see if your feelings change at all.

        • Anonymous says

          I’m the SAHM above and all I have to say is…you don’t get this time back. In 20 years would I remember that amazing contract? Or that time I took my kids to the playground on an October afternoon and the light was perfect and the baby doe was nursing from its mama deer? So clearly I’m on team stay at home. Yes toddlers can be sooo frustrating and I do want a break sometimes, but I don’t wish they were in FT care. I actually find enjoyment in going to petting zoos and farms and hiking and summer days at the splash park.

          • Anon says

            This is a little condescending. I take my kid to petting zoos and farms and hiking and to the splash park too, and I feel like a better mom because we’re not together all the time and I’m more focused and savor those moments. I’m the type of person that if I were home all the time it would just be more total hours together but less quality hours (that’s a comment on me, not anyone else). I don’t judge anyone who chooses to stay home and if you are happier at home then that’s great for you, sincerely. But implying all working moms are missing out on important moments with their kids feels really judgy to me.

            And with respect to “in 20 years I won’t remember that amazing contract,” I don’t think anyone is claiming you will? Even people who are super passionate about their jobs aren’t going to remember the minutiae. But they will remember their career success and big accomplishments they took pride in, the people they met through work and the experiences their earnings allowed their family to have. Those things may not be important for everyone, but to say no one looks back on their careers with pride and gratitude is just not true.

          • Anon says

            Settle down. Let her share why she likes being a SAHM without interpreting it as a personal attack.

          • Boston Legal Eagle says

            You’re writing to a bunch of working moms here – I personally feel like I have a LOT of time with my kids, more so during Covid because we’re just together all the time on the weekends. I’m not really sure what I’m missing during the week except maybe having to do all the laundry and cooking and cleaning too.

          • Anon says

            You’re probably right that I’m being oversensitive but society is set up for families with SAHMs and this is the one corner of the internet where being a working mom and putting your kids in daycare is not only tolerated, it’s celebrated. I think a lot of us are more sensitive to judgment here because this is the ONE place we have where we’re not constantly judged, you know? The comment “In 20 years would I remember that amazing contract? Or that time I took my kids to the playground on an October afternoon and the light was perfect and the baby doe was nursing from its mama deer?” felt judgy (and melodramatic) to me. Certainly she can talk about why she likes staying home, but that sentence really seems to imply working moms are missing out on magical moments experiences with our kids in favor of work that doesn’t have any significance to us in the big scheme of things, and I think that’s wrong on both counts.

          • Anonymous says

            So, I didn’t mean to judgy! I’m sorry! My own mom stayed at home and it was NOT a good choice. Like clearly I used to be a working mom and send my kid to daycare. I in no way think having a SAHM is “better” for kids than going to daycare or having a nanny or being cared for by another family member. I’m saying for me, a huge part of the decision was “I don’t get this time back”. Being a SAHM is definitely not for everyone and I meet a LOT of SAHMs who aren’t doing it by choice (can’t afford 2 kids in daycare). My family did have a huge reconsideration of our values and how we spend our time before I left my job. I do think that I get to take my kids to a lot of cool stuff every day rather than fitting it in on the weekends, but I don’t know how to explain that without sounding judgy.

          • Anon Lawyer says

            I feel like in 30 years I’ll be glad to have been able to feed my child as a single mom but I’m sure I’ll still feel guilty about not getting to see the perfect light at the playground on a random Wednesday in October, so it’s nice to be reminded I can never win, basically.

  4. Anon says

    We attended a family gathering last weekend and got tested out of an abundance of caution before having some friends over for a bbq this weekend. My husband tested positive. I’m negative. We are both vaccinated. No one has any symptoms. Of course we knew this was a very small possibility, but I am frustrated and kicking myself for making it this far, being vaccinated and still ending up with it in our household.
    My husband is going in for a rapid test today to confirm if it was a false positive (I know extremely unlikely). We have to keep the 1yo home from daycare and probably get him tested. Not the news I wanted to wake up with on a Friday morning.

    • Anon says

      Stories like yours are becoming more and more common. You didn’t do anything wrong and getting tested was very responsible and will mean you don’t spread it. Fingers crossed you both stay asymptomatic.

      • AwayEmily says

        +1, this sucks but you were really responsible and it’s a good reminder for being proactive about testing even when you’re vaccinated — I will take that to heart, especially once I go back to the office next month.

    • EDAnon says

      I am so sorry! That sucks. I hope everyone stays asymptomatic.it’s great that you all thought to get tested though. And the risk of a false negative rapid test is relatively high so your husband should be cautious.

      • OP says

        thank you for your responses. I didn’t realize how inaccurate the rapid tests are for the asymptomatic. We will definitely be getting pcr tests in a couple of days before venturing out into the world again.

      • Anonymous says

        +1. My boss got Covid after trusting a friend’s negative rapid test and she spread it to her young daughter (luckily they recovered). Definitely get a PCR test instead if you can!

    • OP says

      Serious follow-up question, I am not allowed to go into the grocery store despite the fact that I’m negative and vaccinated? Curbside pickup is the answer here right? We are running low on some staples so I do need to grocery shop at some point over the course of our quarantine.
      The guidance on how to handle breakthrough infections is murky.

  5. anon says

    Advice on how to help my 5 yo be more assertive? She’s a sweet and caring kid, who seems to lack the confidence to stand up for herself. Typically in interactions with other kids. She’s been like this since she was a toddler, we’d go to the playground and she’d stand to the side, waiting for her turn but when she wasn’t given an opening, we’d have to prompt her (it’s ok, you can take a turn at the slide, too!). And if anyone pushed ahead, she’d just let them. Even with her toddler brother, she seems to not understand that she can defend herself–he’s a hair puller, hitter and biter (we’re working on it) and rather than move away from him or tell him no or defend herself, she’ll just sit there, let him do it, and then scream and cry about it. Everything we’ve tried doesn’t seem to work (encouraging her, praising her, making sure she knows it’s ok to assert herself). What are we doing wrong and how can we help?

    • Anon says

      I’ve just accepted that my eldest is not assertive. We keep reminding him that it is okay to defend himself against his little brothers (also hitters and biters), take his turn, etc. and at 7, he has gotten better at it. But with new people he is still not always willing to do this and I’ve just accepted it as a part of his personality. We do keep talking about standing up for yourself, etc.

      I can imagine this acceptance would be harder for a daughter, because you don’t want the patriarchy stepping all over her. However, I was a painfully shy child who didn’t advocate for myself at all. As I became a teenager and went to college I found my voice in a way that works for me.

      • anon says

        +1 for the second paragraph and honestly for the first. Not sure this is something you can change – it will hopefully be something he learns on his own.

      • Boston Legal Eagle says

        Yes, this. Some kids are just shy and will not be out there hitting or yelling back. I was one. I try my best now to not let the patriarchy step all over me, but in my own quiet way :) I’d encourage you to find her some outlets that she’s interested in and can shine in, like a sport or theatre or something.

      • anon says

        Thank you. This is such a helpful comment and perspective, and I really appreciate it. (OP here)

  6. Mommasgottasleep says

    Hopefully a fun question. I’m in the market for some white sneakers to wear with dresses. My only stipulation is not Keds. Right now I wear Allbirds all day, so I’d like something with adequate support but kind of cute and around that price point. What are your recs?

  7. So Anon says

    Outsourcing – Can we talk about any and all of the ways to outsource things related to activities of daily living, home maintenance, childcare, etc.? What do you hire out? What are the creative ways that you have to have someone else help with all of the things?

    For me:
    – Meal delivery kits: I have smoothies delivered that I have every morning for breakfast and a few lunches. I also have three vegan and gluten free meal kits delivered per week.
    – Cleaning: I am on every wait list for a cleaning service in my area and have been since January. No one has availability.
    – College-age babysitter: My babysitter has been with me for nearly three years, and I have full trust in her with my kids. She does pick-up from camps or school 2-3 days per week.
    – My Roomba: We named him Roger and he is amazing.

    What else is out there?

    • Cb says

      We have a cleaner every week, just 2 cleaners for an hour, and honestly, it’s lifechanging. Nothing ever gets properly dirty.

    • anon says

      – Laundry. Drop off laundry for wash-and-fold. Some may even pick up and deliver.
      – Landscaping/yard work (if you have a lawn).
      – Good professionals for projects you don’t have to do as often but who help a lot when you need their services–an accountant, a financial planner, an insurance broker, a mechanic, plus a list of contractors, electricians, plumbers, roofers, handymen, HVAC repair services, etc.

    • Leatty says

      Here’s what we do: (1) weekly laundry service for our clothes (I wash sheets and towels); (2) meal delivery from Catered Fit for DH and me; (3) biweekly cleaning; (4) lawn and pest service; (5) weekend babysitter for a few hours one afternoon so we can relax or tackle chores without the kids afoot.

      We’ve done the last 3 for a couple of years, but the laundry service and meal delivery are relatively recent. We bag up our dirty laundry and it comes back clean and folded. Our meals are healthy and delicious, and we don’t have to do anything other than heat them up in the microwave. Right now we do meal delivery for lunch and dinner during the week, but we will probably limit it to lunch once our kids are older.

    • anonnn says

      Lawn care (mowing and edging, mulch, raking etc), Christmas lights (company puts up, takes down and stores), HVAC maintenance twice a year (includes filter changes). lifestyle creep is real around here

    • Anon says

      -Meal kit delivery every other week. Lots of delivery and take-out and freezer food.
      -Grocery delivery every weekend (formerly peapod now giant), managed from an app where DH and I can both add and subtract things
      -Weekly housekeepers who also fold all of the clothes I wash over the weekend, and also wash sheets while they are there. So really I’m usually just folding towels and maybe one set of sheets that isn’t all the way dry by the time they leave.
      -Lawn care (mowing, mulching, I usually add in weeding a few times, fertilizer, weed control, aerating, fall tree and shrub trimming, etc.)
      -Pest control (including exclusion) where I no longer have to worry about bugs or mice, they handle it all
      – Gutter cleaning and power washing annually
      – Mobile car detailing once or twice a year, we usually do all three vehicles at once
      – Plumber and electrician on call, sole proprietors, trustworthy and reasonably priced
      – Mail order prescription delivery
      – All online shopping for clothes and just return what doesn’t fit and I’m just fine paying the prepaid shipping label (although of course prefer free returns) – benefit to being back in the office part of the time is that I can ship it off right from our mail room

    • IHeartBacon says

      I am currently in the hunt for a “house manager” who can come to our house once a week for 1-2 hours and assess what needs to be done within the week and then makes calls, etc., to handle it. For example, go through the kitchen to create a grocery list and then goes grocery shopping and/ orders the groceries for delivery when she is at the house, puts the groceries away after clearing out the refrigerator of old food; call repair workers when something is broken or needs maintenance around the house and schedules them to come when she returns the following week; go through our pantry and medicine cabinets to purge expired products; drop off stuff at Goodwill; drop off and pick up dry cleaning; keep track of kids’ birthdays and order gifts, wrap them, etc; etc. We will be paying $45-$50 per hour, which is a lot for an hourly rate, but not a lot for us given how few hours she will be working. Obviously there will be a steep learning curve for both of us as my husband and I figure out what we need and she figures out what we like/want, but I’m convinced it can work.

      • Anonymous says

        Lol you’re dreaming if you think what you just described is a 1-2 hour a week job

        • IHeartBacon says

          Ha! Obviously she wouldn’t do all these things every week! I mean, every week she comes and does a 1-2 hour task. She would select what to do each week. Some of the tasks could even be done from her own home (e.g., calling to schedule appointments to meet her at our house the following week; calling around for repair estimates; etc). I’m sure some tasks will certainly take longer than 2 hours, but we are not looking for someone who needs to commit to 10+ hours a week to us.

          We also have a nanny (who does minor daily housekeeping), 2 house cleaners (who come every week to do deeper cleaning), a weekly gardener, and a pool guy. Maybe “house manager” is not quite the right term, but I chose the word “manager” to convey that the person will be responsible for and have discretion to make decisions on their own (rather than me needing to come up with something for her to do every week).

          • IHeartBacon says

            Yes, I earn a lot of money and spend all my free time really enjoying my family and friends. Life is good.

          • Anon says

            I commented below, but I am also team Outsource Everything and I have zero guilt.

      • SC says

        I estimate that DH and I spend 5-10 hours per week on this type of stuff. It takes 3 hours to make a meal plan, create a grocery list, go grocery shopping or order groceries, clear out the refrigerator, and put away groceries.

      • anon says

        Yeah, I have friends who have a person like this and it is far more than 1-2 hours/week – much closer to 10 hours or so.

        • Anon says

          Adding that I have experience because I actually used to do this for someone and I worked about 10-12 hours a week.

      • Pogo says

        Late to the game, but my PT nanny does some of this for us. I was similarly shot down on this board that I’d never find a unicorn person to do this stuff for us, but she does. She works 8-3 at a children’s camp and then comes over at 4:30 to tackle the kitchen situation and prep the kid’s dinners, picks them up, feeds them, gets the kitchen back in order, and we come home (or out of our offices) to her calmly playing with them at 5:30 or 6. It is a dream.

        Just not having to think about what is for dinner freed up a ridiculous amount of space in my brain (for adults we do a prepared meal service). Or like, to make sure we use the avocado before it gets overripe. Or to remember to run the dishes so we have the lunchboxes clean for tomorrow. Life changing.

    • Anonymous says

      If you’re still feeling overwhelmed, may I suggest swapping meal kit delivery for meal delivery? It is a LOT easier. We use Territory, which is very healthy. Stick them in the microwave and done. When we’re feeling really fancy (very rarely), we move the food onto a plate. Only dishes that come out of the meal are forks.

      We also do:
      –Cleaning service, every two weeks
      –Laundry service, pickup and dropoff from our door every week
      –Automating the couple times a week we do cook with themes. Meatless Monday, Taco Tuesday, (takeout) pizza Friday. Less thinking required = time saved.
      –Grocery delivery, we never go into a grocery store. Keeping meals consistent (see above) means I can often just hit “add all last order to cart.”
      –Consider “uniforms” for kids’ (and adults’!) clothes, e.g., all solid bottoms, patterned tops, everything coordinates.
      –Mowing: We hired a neighborhood high schooler to mow our small yard every week.

    • Anonanonanon says

      -When I go back to law school this semester in addition to full-time job, we’re hiring someone every evening who will help. We’re going to have her start late afternoon so she can run to the store for us, pick up drycleaning, and other small things if we need her to. She’ll do some very light housework (kids’ laundry once in a while, change their sheets, etc.) as well.
      -Meal delivery for my husband and me
      -Roomba!
      -Almost all home maintenance is outsourced

      I realized in addition to outsourcing, I had to do some streamlining and dump some money into having multiples of certain things. I spent too much time every morning finding a hairbrush for my daughter’s hair. So I bought 4 more and put them all over the house. Bought my kids a bunch of extra undergarments and socks. Kept extra school supplies and school project supplies around to avoid last-minute errands. Bought extra winter items for the kids so we weren’t wasting time finding hats/mittens before school. They’re small things but I had to make the conscious decision to divert my money that way, and they save a lot of time and frustration.

    • anon says

      We literally outsource everything except cooking/meal planning, because I like cooking.
      -Full-time nanny
      -Housekeeper 2x/week who also does the adult laundry (nanny does the baby laundry), plus we have a roomba on each floor of the house
      -Grocery delivery
      -Yard service
      -Pool service
      -Shipt for Target delivery and other errands
      -Big maintenance jobs (like cleaning the gutters) are hired out, plus we use a handyman for small stuff unless my husband wants to do it

      It’s as expensive as heck, but it means that we spend our time either doing our jobs (we both have “big” jobs), or doing things that are important to us (being with our kids, volunteering, going to church, exercising).

      • anon says

        I do get the baby up and feed him/put him to bed, and we don’t have a weekend nanny, so that aspect of childcare isn’t outsourced, but I also don’t experience that as work bc I enjoy it.

    • Anon says

      We have a biweekly cleaning service and we pay a handyman or other professional to do any maintenance on our home. We get groceries curbside pickup and we eat quite a bit of takeout food. We don’t own clothes that require dry cleaning but we do regular laundry ourselves. Husband mows the lawn, although I have to nag him about it and I would much rather just pay a high schooler to do it. I am trying desperately to get someone to re-do the landscaping at our house (we moved in 6 years ago and haven’t maintained it well, plus I would like to put in more flowers) but everyone is fully booked.

    • CHL says

      I found a caterer/personal chef in my area who drops off prepped food / meals. I have her bring usually 3 – 4 roasted veggies or salads and proteins for 2 dinners and all my lunches during the week. She also caters my family parties (like taco night or mothers day brunch.) I love her with all my heart.

      • IHeartBacon says

        Wow, I love this idea. I didn’t even think of this. I might see if I can try this too.

        We do a meal kit delivery service, which sends us 3 dinners (for 2 adults) for the week. We love cooking them together and catching up on our days with a glass of wine after kiddo goes to bed. It’s like a stay-in date-in-a-box for us. Sometimes we make them 3 days in a row; other times we spread them out over the week. Neither of us really loves cooking, but we both love making the kits together and the intimate time we get to spend together after dark making them. We also like the taste-testing part of it (seeing whether the recipe is good). So I definitely wouldn’t give up making the meal kits because it’s currently a big part of our happiness, but it would be nice to have someone prepare a couple of other homemade dinners the other weeknights with enough leftovers for lunches for my husband and me for the week.

    • Anon says

      I don’t know your living situation, but might be worth mentioning – don’t get more house and yard than you truly need! Sometimes I wish we had a bigger yard and kitchen, but less house means less cleaning and maintenance and thus less need to outsource.

    • anon says

      This thread is blowing my mind. You all have SO much money. I alway knew law wasn’t for me, but this confirms it. If you can’t do these basic things due to your jobs . . . wow. I can understand outsourcing one or two things, but this is like 1% levels. Congrats, I guess?

      • IHeartBacon says

        I hear you, I really do, but for me and my husband, it’s not a matter of not being able to do basic chores “due to” our jobs; instead, we entered careers that pay well and we have the extra income to “not have to” do basic chores.

        Here is some real talk. I posted above that I wanted to find someone who can just do about 2 hours of projects for our house every week. I am willing to pay $45 per hour. This will cost my family $4,680 for the year. I am a lawyer and my average hourly rate is about $425. If I took those 2 hours a week that I now have free and did legal work, I would bill an extra $44,200. This means that by hiring someone at $45 per hour to pick up 2 hours of household tasks, I can make an extra $40,000. Being a lawyer that bills by the hour literally makes your time more valuable than doing household tasks. Why would I give up $40,000 a year just to say that I bought eggs myself at the grocery store? That’s just a bad business decision.

        Alternatively (and how it will work for me), I don’t plan to bill those 2 extra hours that I will be acquiring. Instead, I will use those 2 extra hours to spend more quality time with my family. Here are some options of things that we can do with an EXTRA 2 hour block of time every week that don’t really require anything but time: go on a family bike ride; have a picnic at the park; visit with other family members; play a board game; go see a movie; go swimming. Why would I give that family time up just to say that I bought eggs myself at the grocery store? That’s just a bad life decision.

        Anyway, yes, we have a high household income (and we save a lot for retirement), but instead of saving it just so we can say “we’re rich,” we use our expendable income wisely to help us live a life as full of joy as possible. For us, that means no scrubbing toilets.

      • Anon says

        Eh I’m affluent but definitely not 1% (HHI $150k) and I feel like I could afford a lot of this stuff if I wanted it. I might have to cut back on some luxuries like travel but honestly I think I spend more on travel than the average 1%er simply because people in jobs that intense don’t usually have much time for travel. Different people have different priorities. A nanny is a huge expense but a lot of the things listed only cost a couple hundred a month, if that. Some of them (eg mail order prescription delivery) are literally free and just a matter of setting up.
        Even if they are 1%ers isn’t it better for society than they’re putting their money back into the economy rather than accumulating wealth that will go into a beach house or a huge inheritance for kids? I don’t see why it’s that surprising to you that rich people spend money to make their lives easier.

        • Anonymous says

          Literally there is research that using your money to “buy time” is the way to get the most happiness from it. We’re cut back some on outsourcing because private school tuition (covid change) for multiple kids is expensive, but housecleaners and lawn care are still in place and honestly it would take financial calamity for me to cut them.

      • Anonymous says

        Because cleaning the house and doing the laundry are tasks that I am supposed to get joy from?

        Not a lawyer, don’t have the money to outsource like this, but I don’t need to pretend that my life wouldn’t be better if I didn’t have to scrub the grout in the bathroom.

      • Anon says

        I agree!! I cannot imagine the amount of money people are spending on all this. I mean, I guess you are optimizing every second of your life, but…

        Reading these responses one after another seems like a joke to me, it’s so extreme, not like real life for anyone I know.

        • Anon says

          Interesting. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a cleaning service, yard service and meal kits or meal delivery. And I’m in a Midwest college town and most of the people I know are professors who earn high five or low six figures but definitely not Big Law $$$$.I feel like outsourcing cleaning and lawn care at a minimum is completely normal for any white collar professional.

    • IHeartBacon says

      So Anon, I know this thread took a little bit of a turn, but I just wanted to say that I’ve followed your story for a long time so I know how your life got to the point where it is right now, which includes killing it at work right now. The secret to more success is delegating work to others. In your case, that means outsourcing where you can. If your goal is to continue climbing up at work, for purposes of continuing t build a healthy and safe life/home for you and your girls, my hope for you is that one day someone will make snarky comments to you like, “wow, do you actually do anything yourself?” Because when they do, that’s how you’ll know you made it. ;)

  8. Cb says

    Job update – I interviewed on Monday, and then at 3:30 on Wednesday, got an email from the head of school asking for a call. They made me an offer. They want me to start for the start of term, but I suspect my current manager won’t let me cut my notice period (3 months) down to 4 weeks, so we’ll have to negotiate a bit.
    The job is a 30 minute flight away, the plan for the next year or two is to be there 3 days a week during term time, and maybe 1 week a month May, June, July, and August, but will have to navigate this as teaching responsibilities etc become clearer. I’ll rent a furnished room in the city, it’s quite inexpensive. My son goes to preschool in our town Monday, Tuesday (and husband WFH those days) and in the city Wednesday, Thursday, Friday so hoping to be away Sunday PM to Wednesday PM and WFH Thursday, Friday. Not ideal lifewise, but honestly, if I had a job outside of my current institution, I’d have a really long commute anyways. This way I at least get some chill time during the time I am away.

    • Anonymous says

      Can you swing flying out Monday morning? Missing out on Sunday night every week is a lot.

      • Cb says

        It would be tricky public transit-wise, my husband would be able to zip me to the airport for a Sunday departure (30 minutes in the car, 90+ minutes on public transport). Our Sunday evenings are pretty chill though, just one kid, basically bath, dinner, and facetime with one set of grandparents.

        • Anonymous says

          But you like your family! Can you take a car service Monday morning? Drive yourself? This is so much time to be away from home I honestly think you will hate it.

          • Anon says

            Or hiring a neighbor to drive you after kid bedtime on Sunday night or on Monday morning could be a good option. Another idea is if your family could come on the trip a few times a year (of your husband can work remotely or use vacation) so your kid can understand more about your life at university and see your office and whatnot. Good luck!

      • Anonanonanon says

        Sunday night is the time of week I’d MOST like to miss out on! LOL. Congrats, Cb. This is amazing!!

        • Cb says

          Ideally I’d miss Friday PM, where my kid is an overtired gremlin. But hoping to spring him from nursery at 2:30 or so on Fridays once I start versus his current 5:30, so maybe a playpark, cafe date, bathtime etc might help ease us into the weekends.

    • Curious says

      Congratulations! It sounds like you have a solid plan to make it work. You must be so excited.

      • Cb says

        It’s an amazing job, after I had kind of given up hope in being able to stay in academia. Job description basically written for the quite unique niche I am in.

    • Anon says

      Wow. I think “not ideal lifewise” is putting it lightly. Geez this sounds exhausting for both you and your husband. And confusing/sad for your child. I hope this is a dream job and it’s worth this sacrifice. I would at least try to fly out Monday morning.

      • Cb says

        I don’t think it’ll be sustainable for more than a couple of years (at which point, I might be able to get a job back here or he’ll move there), but we wouldn’t bat an idea at a man working as a consultant, gone Monday-Thursday, would we? Or a lawyer working 70 hour weeks with two nannies? I at least will have 4 months largely at home. Schools here finish at lunchtime on Friday, so I’ll be able to have most of the day Friday, Saturday, and 80% of his waking hours on Sunday.
        We’ll see, husband is totally on board, and we’ve agreed to fully honest check-ins every 6 months to make sure it is working for us. If it doesn’t, we’ll make a change.

        • Anonymous says

          Yes I would. And also you love your cozy home life! You love cuddling in the living room and biking to cafes. You’ve been posting here for years and not even once have you given the impression of someone who wants this lifestyle.

        • More Sleep Would Be Nice says

          +1 to this – there is a lot less questioning when men are the ones with the jobs that take up more “away” time.

          DH is a Counsel on partner track in Big Law and regularly is unavailable on weekdays and is often “on-call” on weekends. It’s just part of what is done in that line of work. No one thinks twice about it, yet a few of his partners were surprised that I was going back to work after DS #2.

        • anon says

          I’m not judging Cb here, but I would absolutely have the same reaction for a father as a mother here. This lifestyle isn’t for our family at all and it wouldn’t matter if it were my husband or me. So while I think it’s unnecessary to poo-poo someone’s life plans, I think it’s kind of ridiculous to suggest people would only criticize this for the mom (though I admit it’s probably harsher criticism).

          • Anon says

            Yeah I’m an academic spouse and I would not have agreed to my husband doing this. To me it’s not about male or female I just didn’t sign up to parent in a family with one parent gone half the time, and I do feel like it would be hard on preschool age kids (“confusing” is probably not the right word but we’ve definitely noticed negatively behavioral impacts on our kid when she doesn’t get quality time with both of us on a regular basis, which for a kid that little is basically every day). Of course, I relocated for my husband which is also a big sacrifice and something that some people might not be willing to do. If it works for you, you do you, but I don’t agree that any negative reaction to this plan is sexist.

        • EB0220 says

          I think everyone makes their own choices here. My husband did this schedule for 2 years when our daughter was tiny and we decided it was a no-go once our 2nd child arrived. Neither of us would go back to that schedule. However, we have a friend who had that schedule for 18+ years and only stopped due to COVID so I guess everyone is different. For our family though, that schedule was extremely tough on everyone.

        • Anonymous says

          I think your plan sounds well thought out and I also think you are being judged more harshly as a woman. You can Facetime. You can make appointments from afar. We’ve talked a lot here about the things traveling dads can do to still help the family. There’s no reason traveling moms can’t. Congratulations on the job!

      • Anonanonanon says

        It’s a schedule. Kids can understand a color-coded calendar. Like Cb said, she’ll see her kid more overall than a lot of people who work in town do!

      • AwayEmily says

        I have a 3yo and a 5yo and my husband is out of town for work 3-4 days a week during the academic year. It’s marginally annoying at times but certainly not a huge sacrifice and it is absolutely not confusing or sad for my kids. They know that Dada goes to “faraway work,” they know when he’s coming back, and it’s just a regular part of their lives. And when he’s home he takes on the substantial majority of the parenting, so I get a nice break.

        • Cb says

          Oh that’s fab to hear! I think the academic market is so so hard, there were literally 6 jobs in all of the Uk posted over the last year, 2 in the nation I am in.

        • Anonymous says

          Yeah academic jobs are like unicorns and as much as Cb likes biking to cafes and snuggling on the couch, I get the sense that she likes her academic career too. This is totally doable Cb, and congrats on the job!

          I’m a divorced parent of a very well adjusted happy kid with 50/50 custody and 2 homes. If she doesn’t have a hard time with that, Cb’s kid can manage this. On and I’ve been solo parenting 50% of the time since kid was 2, and so has kid’s dad, and it’s really not that hard. I don’t understand the insane stress about solo parenting one child that some people on this board have… if it was like 2 year old triplets that would be different.

          • Anon says

            But a divorced parent who is solo parenting 50% of the time is also child free 50% of the time. In this situation, the spouse who doesn’t travel is solo parenting 50% of the time and then still shared parenting (though maybe less than 50%) the remaining time. It’s more like a divorced parent who has the kids close to 100% of the time. Divorce also isn’t something most people consider optimal – you do it because it’s better than the alternative, and just because people make solo parenting for long periods of time work doesn’t mean it’s something everyone would want to do voluntarily.

            I agree that this is between Cb and her husband and if it works for both of them, it’s not our place to be outraged on his behalf. But I think it’s really unfair to act like anyone that would balk at this arrangement even for “only” one child is some kind of incompetent parent. I’m an academic spouse and if my husband had gotten this kind of job offer he wouldn’t have taken it or we’d be divorced. I adore my kid and am perfectly capable of taking care of her by myself and we have traveled together without my husabnd, stayed home together while he went out of town, etc. But I didn’t sign up to parent in a family with only one parent home half the time and if that had been the scenario he insisted on I would have rather divorced and officially shared custody so I had a real break during my non-solo parenting time. You don’t have to have toddler triplets to know this is not the life you want.

          • Anonymous says

            I’m not outraged on his behalf at all! I think he’ll be fine. I worry Cb, who ive internet known and liked for the better part of a decade, will hate this lifestyle

    • Anon says

      Congrats! Hopefully your husband can wfh full time and you guys can move to this new city .

    • Anonanonanon says

      Congratulations! So happy you got an awesome position and are able to make it work.

    • GCA says

      Congratulations! I get the unicorn nature of academic jobs. (It’s part of why DH decided to leave academia; the other part was having a wide range of industry options in his STEM field.) Hopefully the long-distance commuting will be only temporary!

    • So Anon says

      Congratulations!! That’s so exciting! The schedule may be tough, but it sounds like you will make it work for you and your family. Honestly, it sounds like a fun adventure!

    • Boston Legal Eagle says

      Congrats again! While I agree that I wouldn’t like this schedule for either mom or dad in my family, this depends so much on the ages and number of kids. Having one almost 5 year old, who seems like a pretty chill, mature, independent kid (I say that with love! I was a similar only child) is very different than having 3 kids under 5 and trying to do this. I think you and husband will both enjoy getting some extra one on one time with him on the various days. Plus you can bring him back some novelty souvenirs!

      • Cb says

        Thanks! We both get 6 weeks of vacation a year which helps as well, gives some space for family time and solo time for my husband.

        Thanks everyone for the congrats. I know It’s not a decision everyone would make, but we are both game to try it and see how it works. If it was a place we knew we’d love, we would make the leap but schools and job for my husband may be a concern in new city.

        And one super chill kiddo makes it feasible in a way a bigger family would not be.

    • Anon says

      Congratulations Cb!!

      Any change your husband can find a job in your new location?

    • Anon says

      Congrats! My husband is a commercial pilot gone 3-5 days each week (and not the same days each week) and it works really well for our family. Of course there are hard days but that would be true regardless. You got this!

      One tip I got from other pilot families: Order a small pillow with a picture of the family on it. The leaving parent “charges it up” with a big hug before he leaves each week, and then if kid gets sad or misses dad, there’s a hug waiting on the bed. We’ve used it when I travel for work too, hence the photo of all of us together.

    • Pogo says

      Congrats! I also took a job recently within my company where, if the pandemic ever ends, I’ll be out of town sun night – thurs most likely for one week a month. To me it’s better than packing up my entire family and moving!

  9. Formula newbie says

    We’re taking a trip in September and plan to leave the 9 month old with grandma for 4 days. There’s no way I’ll have enough BM stored up by then. So, I’ve resigned that formula is they way to go, rather than bringing the baby along. How would you do it? I’m worried if we just tell her give him formula once the freezer stash runs out he might not take it and it’d be a disaster.
    Can you mix formula and BM in the same bottle? Is it 1:1? He takes 4-5oz bottles of BM at daycare currently. Maybe just have them do formula at daycare for a few days and save up the milk I pump for the freezer?
    What do I buy? no allergies so far.
    I plan to just go back to 100% BM after the trip, will that be a problem?

    • Anon says

      I would try giving him a formula bottle at home first and see how he likes it. Then just give it to him regularly so he expects it and isn’t surprised. I read a lot of information online about formula/bm when we introduced it around 10m but my son frankly did not care at all which one he got. Formula also tasted pretty similar to BM to me. We used the Similac Pro-Advance that was sold at Costco, but formula is pretty highly regulated and any type is fine.

      • OP says

        Thank you! I tend to obsess over these transitions and then my kids are totally fine and don’t even care.

    • More Sleep Would Be Nice says

      Hey! I went away about 5 days when DS #1 was 10 months.

      I pumped and dumped (was travelling internationally) while abroad. In hindsight, I should have used this opportunity to wean but whatever.

      DS #1 happily took a mix of formula and BM (I had a freezer stash but didn’t want to rely on that). I introduced formula a few weeks beforehand (just bought Plum Organics, buy whichever one you want/can get easily, most peds are agnostic if there are no allergies), so I could drop my pre-bed pump session.

      You can def mix the two, but a lot of experts say not to because if the bottle isn’t finished it’ll “waste” breastmilk. If you’re okay with that, there’s no adverse health issue.

      And I had no issue resuming the breastfeeding relationship once I returned, likely because of the age and how well-established BF was. Wishing you the same. Enjoy your trip!

      • GCA says

        This was my experience too. I had a weeklong international work trip to a remote area when DD was 8 months, and I pumped and dumped. She happily took the formula we tested beforehand. Breastfeeding resumed when I got back, though it took a couple of days to get supply back up to its usual levels. (Which was fine – because I already knew she would happily take the formula!)

        • More Sleep Would Be Nice says

          Pretty sure I posted here for advice before my trip, and that you replied with this info! Was very helpful :)

    • shortperson says

      give him a little formula in advance for him to try but otherwise dont worry about it. we started having daycare supplement with formula at 9 months whenever i didnt bring enough milk to daycare and my baby did not notice or care. have a fun trip!

    • Anon. says

      You should probably try it a couple times first to make sure he’ll drink it. If he’s picky about it, yes you can mix formula and BM in the same bottle to find a blend that he’ll drink. Mix formula first, add milk to top up the bottle. One of my kids hated formula and needed a blend, my other kid didn’t care at all.

      That said, even if you don’t, both kid and grandparents will get through it. My mom left me with my grandparents at around that age for a full week because my dad had to be in the hospital on the other side of the state – I’d never had even a bottle before.

      Just a small can from the grocery store should be enough. Agreed that it’s all very regulated which means it’s all pretty much the same, we used store brands.

    • Anonanonanon says

      Look, this is 100% a me problem, but I read “BM” as the other type of BM at first when I was scanning through this and it gave me a good chuckle “no way I’ll have enough BM stored up” “go back to 100% BM after the trip” etc. Anyway, thank you for the unintentional and immature laugh, I needed it today :-D

    • Pogo says

      I just went through this, I don’t pump enough so I started adding 4-6oz of formula to top baby off. First I was mixing it (water + formula) and adding to the BM, but then as this board recommended, just handed the tub of formula to my caregiver and said, go for it. So I think he may even be getting a full formula bottle at the end of the day now, and he’s cool with it

      I also did not know which one to buy. I stood in Target and picked the house brand “Sensitive”. No idea what the differences are but I figured sensitive would be good for his little tummy??

      • Anonymous says

        Sensitive means the amino acids are slightly more broken down than “regular” formula, but not as much as alimentum. I think sensitive formula does not contain cow’s milk derivatives but I could be wrong. I’ve been through every kind of formula with current foster baby and I know more than I care to about this stuff.

  10. EDAnon says

    Our son’s birthday is right at the cutoff for K in fall. We have always planned that he would go to K next year, given his social-emotional development and the fact that his brother is right after the cutoff (two years later). We have talked to his teachers about it. We enrolled him in pre-K this fall. We told the director months ago about the plan. He did not attend the preschool graduation.
    This week, as they plan classroom transitions, we are getting pushback from the director saying he’s ready for K and should go now. It isn’t too late to change our plan but it’s PRETTY LATE. I feel like the pressure is because they don’t have room in the preschool room for everyone.
    We don’t want to change plans, but are we being unfair to our son?

    • Spirograph says

      Just like the person who posted about her child abruptly being “expelled” from preschool (any update on that, btw?), I strongly suspect this is a space issue. My son will turn 5 next month and he’s going to K in the fall, but you should do you, and neither option is “unfair” to your son. Don’t second-guess your parenting because your daycare wants to repurpose your son’s spot in the preschool room.

      • Anon says

        She updated the next day and said they found a different daycare to put him in.

    • Anonymous says

      Trust your judgment. If you are not sure, consider contacting the school for advice. You may receive some helpful information.

    • Anon says

      If you’re in the US, I say send him to K. My son is just 10 days from our cutoff. We sent him to K and were honest with the teacher that we weren’t sure if he was ready, so we were totally fine if he needed to repeat K the following year. And if she thought it was risky, we would rather hold him back in K than get to 2nd or 3rd and try to hold him back then.

      K teachers are very very used to this. She kept us appraised on his progress all year and we made the decision together that he was ready for first. He’s still slightly behind on the maturity aspect a few years later, but the gap is closing each year. Socially and academically, he’s ahead of his classmates. He has lots of friends and seems to get along well with everyone at the school, so I think it was the right decision. Turns out he’s the youngest in his grade by three months, and even with that stat he’s still doing great.

      Probably also helps that we throw a giant “End of Summer” party for his birthday every year since it’s the first weekend of classes, so he gets to start each year off as the talk of the class, even though he’s a year younger than some of them.

  11. Anon4This says

    Do you feel like you have an emotional connection with all your children? I have a very hard time with having an emotional connection with one of my kids, and I am at a loss on how to fix it. It breaks my heart that I have a harder time connection with this kid than my others.

    • EDAnon says

      I feel like I do but I am a big “feel your feelings” person so my kids have seen every emotional side of me. I think it might be harder for people that don’t express themselves in the same way.
      That being said, what has really driven it has been bedtime snuggles. It’s not the best for them falling asleep, but I snuggle one of them every night and talk to them about how much I love them, memories of them, and I answer their questions (which range from mundane things to death). It’s a quiet time/space and i try to be quiet a lot to give them time to speak. But it really helps our connection. I love that time.

    • Hmm says

      I find they ebb and flow. How many kids do you have? We have three and one kid is verrrry attached to DH and thus harder for me to connect with. But we still have awesome moments.

      It could also be an age thing. I find some ages harder than others. It’s pretty easy to connect with my 6 year old. I don’t connect much with babies!

      Definitely don’t beat yourself up!

      • Pogo says

        So funny, sometimes I feel more connected with the baby because he physically needs me to live and he’s so snuggly and happy and cute. The 4yo is dramatic and high energy, so sometimes I love few minutes of cooing and giggling with my chubby babe.

    • Anonanonanon says

      Is it an age thing? I feel like I don’t even know who my 11 yo is as a person anymore sometimes. Not in a bad way, just for the first time I have no idea what’s going on in his head. It’s so different than with a smaller kid where you can guess what they’re thinking and feeling almost all of the time.

      • So Anon says

        I was going to comment the same. There seems to be a sweet spot of 3-7 where both of my kids were open books and their worlds revolved around home. Now that my son is older, has his own friends and interests, it takes more to get into his world. I have found that the best cure for this is 1×1 time where I enter his world, we go for a walk/run, or do an activity together that he is interested in. I feel like when I join him, I get to really see him and be with the person he is and is becoming.

  12. Kids bank accounts says

    My six year old would like to set up a bank account – she probably has $35 in her piggy bank for reference. I love that she wants to do it though. Is there anywhere you all would recommend?

    • Anonymous says

      I’ve been meaning to do this for months, and am planning to just got to a convenient local bank branch. I remember opening my own first bank account with my mom when I was in early elementary, and being just so proud and thrilled.

    • EDAnon says

      We hold savings with Alliant Credit Union and use their kids accounts. It used to be more convenient, but it’s higher yield which is why we use it. It’s just savings though. They don’t spent any money from it (and actually don’t know it’s there!).

    • Anon says

      My daughter (4) has had an account at our local bank where we also have accounts since she was born (I literally opened it once I got her SS card). It was super easy, I’m the custodian on the account, etc. Because of Covid, I have not taken her into the bank, but I have fond memories of going to the bank with my parents (back when there were actually stage coaches in the lobbies of wells fargos, I remember it being the coolest thing and would imagine wild west rides, bank robberies, etc. while we waited in line).

  13. COVID and delta says

    For those of us scratching our heads about the new masking guidance and CDC, wanted to flag this Washington Post article “CDC reversal on indoor masking prompts experts to ask, ‘Where’s the data?’” Some helpful context. (No, I’m not an anti-vaxxer, COVID conpiracy theorist, etc.) There is no data that shows that a higher viral load in vaxxed people leads to higher infection. Wish they would provide this info. They say it’s coming, allegedly. How will this incentivize people to get vaccinated.

    • Anonymous says

      CDC released the report today. There was an outbreak in Massachusetts. 3/4 of the people were vaccinated. Of the 5 people hospitalized, 4 were fully vaccinated.

      • Anon says

        But almost all adults in MA are vaccinated and most of the unvaccinated are young kids who are unlikely to get severely ill, so that statistic isn’t in and of itself concerning. It’s also an incredibly small sample size re: hospitalizations, so not necessarily good data. I think what’s more concerning would be vaccinated people spreading it, and I believe they also have evidence of that.

    • Anon says

      I’m not really worried about incentivizing people to get vaccinated. They’ve had plenty of time. The majority of people who still aren’t vaccinated are not going to be incentivized by carrots like money or removing masks. The CDC tried that when they announced in mid-May that vaccinated people didn’t mask and it didn’t work at all – vaccination rates continued falling. It’s time for the stick (mandates), and it appears the fear of Delta is also incentivizing people, which is good. And I want the CDC to follow the science and make recommendations based on that. If they have studies that suggest vaccinated people spread the virus, I want vaccinated people masking up indoors to protect my kid.

  14. Covid Test Timing says

    For work, I have to attend a large conference/ trade show in a few weeks. It is in my home state, which has horrible vaccination rates and I am going to assume the crowd (based on the industry) may not have high rights either. This is the biggest (~5k) event I’ve attended since December 2019. I am vaccinated and plan on taking all the precautions – mask, sanitize, distance as much as possible.

    I have an unvaxxed toddler at home. I would like to get tested when I get home – how long should I wait to go? The conference ends on a Thursday – do I get test immediately on Friday, wait until the weekend? 16 months into this, you’d think I would know but this by now…

    • Anon says

      I would honestly test every day so I could isolate immediately after getting a positive test, but I have free, painless tests easily available to me. The incubation period is 4-5 days on average but it can be more or less and you can be infected at any point in the conference or during travel there and back so there isn’t really one “right” time to test.

      • anon says

        This. In all honesty, I probably wouldn’t go to a big conference right now, even vaccinated.

        • Anon says

          I also would not want to go, especially with an unvaccinated kid at home, but if I had to go I would want to test daily to reduce the odds of spreading it.

    • shortperson says

      i would wear a mask at home for 5-6 days until you have multiple negative tests. i went to a wedding last weekend, right before all the delta –> vaccinated people news, and i have been masking around my kids since returning.

  15. Anon4This says

    Hi y’all. I posted yesterday about the work issue/manager/professional development plan. Thank you all for the support and perspectives.

    I had a great chat with my boss today and it was very well received. I also have a therapy appointment next week where I plan to discuss my burnout and what to do. DS partner track at Big Law, and I have a senior-leadership level job, and I like the work and the direction of things, so I want to make things work.

    I’m also going to do some time-tracking to figure out what I can outsource.

    We have a local grandparent that is basically at our house FT (since my other parent passed away last year) to help with things, and it’s a HUGE help and moral support, but I still think we can outsource maybe 1-2 more things to make life easier. (We do grocery delivery, template meals – I like to cook/takeout, a lot of online shopping, etc. already…I’m thinking a housekeeper to do laundry and tidy up in between when the cleaners come or something could be nice…)

    • Curious says

      I’m so glad to hear this. You’re handling a hard year with all you can give it. It sounds like your boss has high standards and her own flaws but is on your team. Best of luck and keep us posted!

  16. Anon says

    Hey CPA lady, hope you and your kiddo are doing ok. I’ve been thinking of your family!

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