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Is it back-to-school shopping season already? I feel like summer camp just started!
One of my favorite rituals as a kid was picking out my backpack for the year. My taste evolved from a pink crayon one (kindergarten) to a dark green canvas, leather-bottomed one (college). Lands’ End has a great selection of backpacks in a range of colors, patterns, and sizes to fit your kid. For instance, their ClassMate Small Backpack is perfect for my soon-to-be first grader — it features exterior and interior pockets, an adjustable chest strap, water bottle pocket, reflective strip … the list goes on.
My daughter is going through a unicorn phase so she would definitely choose the “Glitter Ombre Unicorns” design. You can even personalize the bag with your child’s initials or an icon.
This backpack is on sale for $31.95 (down from $34.95) with code FIREFLY. It comes in 10 other patterns aside from the unicorn design in case that’s not what your kid is into.
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Pogo says
I’m feeling really bummed about my workload lately. For the most part I have no problem outsourcing, but I would love to take advantage of the summer weather to do either dropoff or pickup in the stroller. However the time difference is like 60min vs 10min, and I am just feeling I can’t spare the extra time. I guess the answer is you have to MAKE time, but particularly working across time zones it feels impossible to wrap up at 4pm.
This was triggered this morning by seemingly half the class showing up with mom and dad and the dog, strolling up with a coffee in hand all smiling and relaxed and me super frazzled basically throwing the kid out the door and dashing off to my day o’ meetings.
GCA says
I have no good answers, but I feel you. I used to live in an apartment block overlooking a playground. In the summer I would see all these parents and kids from the neighborhood out there playing and socializing. I *know* my kid was having a blast with his friends and toys and water play at daycare (which was…three blocks down the street), and that I’d make a lousy SAHP, but it really bummed me out not to be able to do that even one or two days a week.
I am never relaxed at drop-off – I work across time zones and basically wake up feeling already behind. On the other hand, 4.30pm is more relaxed because my colleagues farther east have signed off for the night. Are there pockets of time where no one is looking for you at work? Or ways to make space for mini adventures? (The other night I was solo with kids and gave them a choice of park picnic or after-dinner walk to the ice cream shop.)
Anonymous says
Yup. If it’s what you want to do, you just have to make time- or make peace.
I used to block 2:30-3:30 on my calendar every day to meet my kids at the bus, ask them about their day, and grab a cup of coffee, and do an activity dropoff if the timing worked (eg. Ballet started at 3:15). Some days it got scheduled over, but most days it didn’t. I had a sitter at home as backup / for the rest of the evening.
For dropoffs, can you work it out with kiddo’s dad so you can do 1-2 dropoffs a week? Maybe that means he gets kiddos ready and loaded up in the car so you can just walk drop and go.
I got laid off from a high stress job about 8 years ago and it fundamentally changed my view on how important it is to be all consumed by work. I’ve worked high level/better paying jobs since then and I have never worked anywhere near as hard as I did in that job. Mentors over the years have been great at leading by example in making time for what you find important (be it kids, hobbies, or book club!).
Anon says
i know it is so hard not to, but as they say, comparison is the thief of joy. that being said, is there a way for you to make time for this even once a week? it might give you something to look forward to and seems a lot less daunting to ‘make’ 50 minutes vs trying to do this every day, 2x per day.
Anonymous says
Can you tell this to my kids? They are old enough to know that some moms don’t work, so their kids get to sleep in and go to the pool and park all day. It is all unicorns and rainbows at their houses. Why am I the buzz kill keeping the unicorns and rainbows away from our house?
[They will get it, maybe in a decade or two. But I don’t think they will get it any time soon.]
anne-on says
I say this kindly, but start shutting that noise down early. We started talking with my son VERY early (like 2? 3?) about why mommy works (I like it, It gives us more $$ as a family to save/spend on things he enjoys, it gives our family a cushion in case things we weren’t expecting to happen happen, etc.), why it is important for society that mommy’s work, what a privilege it is that some parents (not just moms!) can stay home and how rare that is in general, and what my work does for our family (we can afford private school, more savings for college for him, etc.).
I’ll leave aside my primal scream of why nobody ever asks why DADDY doesn’t stay home for another day…
Anonymous says
Man, that is not how it is in my area of my city. Mommy stays home b/c Daddy is successful. It’s not said that way, but it’s something put into the water. Like you are a loser if your mom works and probably poor. Your dad is definitely a loser. It is so warped. I almost hate living in my very close-in suburb, which I picked b/c it made MY work commute easier. It’s very much guys in private equity and law firm partners and bankers, so guys in jobs where they can’t do that job w/ a working spouse unless they have a very expensive FT nanny and then a PT nanny on top of that. Oy.
avocado says
IME explaining doesn’t change kids’ feelings. My teenager is well aware of all the reasons mommy works, which are roughly the same as yours. She will state explicitly that I would have been a terrible, unhappy SAHM. She expresses appreciation for all of the nice experiences she’s had thanks to the fact that both of her parents work. But she still wishes she could have had a childhood of rainbows and unicorns and no after-school and no day camp and no mom away on a business trip. Her plan to avoid inflicting this suffering on her own children is not to have any.
Aunt Jamesina says
I think it is also necessary to frame it in a way that BOTH PARENTS need to work and not just focus on mom as though mom’s work is somehow optional in a way dad’s isn’t. Dad is always off the hook in this stay at home hypothetical. No need to justify why mom (and only mom) needs to work.
But maybe I’m just bitter about people asking if I’m planning on staying at home or reducing my work hours once baby is here, despite the fact that 1. I outearn my husband, 2. my benefits are way better, and 3. I really, really like the work I do and I talk about it all the time. When people ask me, I turn it back and say that we BOTH are continuing to work. This sh!t needs to get shut down.
Anon says
@avocado I don’t understand why this is all on you though. Why don’t you ask her where is the frustration at her dad for working and traveling?
Anonymous says
No kidding! I would be an awesome SAHM, but of a very certain sort, like when Martha Stewart stopped being a bond trader, she became yet another sort of force of nature. Not my kids’ version of rainbows and uniforms and CottageCore dresses. [And my people are farmers, so even if women didn’t work outside the home, those vegetables aren’t going to can themselves; there is no rest on a farm.]
Aunt Jamesina says
@avocado something my mom said to me when I was a teenager that really stuck with me after I was kept whining about something she did/didn’t do (I don’t even remember what it was!) was basically, “you can feel whatever way you do about this issue, but I am not the person you can discuss it with”. And she stuck to it. That sort of reaction is really unfair to you (and I agree, what about her other parent that presumably didn’t do any of those things either?).
Anon Lawyer says
FWIW, my mom stayed home and when I was a young teenager, I was a HUGE brat about the fact that we couldn’t afford things like the ski trips that some of my friends took. So I would chalk a lot of this up to “the grass is always greener” to some extent rather than any long-term trauma. (I am pretty sure when I was 12 or 13 I also said I wouldn’t have any kids to avoid inflicting whatever trauma I thought my parents inflicted on me on them and here I am. It’s fine.)
I do think there’s something to be said for living somewhere where a reasonable number of people share your values though.
Anon says
Here’s the thing, kids and especially teenagers are going to find things to complain about regardless.
We all are adults here and understand that there are trade offs to everything and the grass isn’t always greener but even we still have moments of jealousy when we see what people who chose a different path are doing, even though we know if we chose that path our life may still not look like that and we’d lose a lot of good stuff we had.
Avocado for what it’s worth my mom stayed at home when I was young and while it was great in many ways, as a teenager I complained about not having the things my richer friends with two working parents had. I too decided I didn’t want to have kids but that was because I wanted to work and have nice things. I now have kids and work and still have nice things but that’s what I thought as a teenager.
There is no winning with teenagers. I think being upset at your parents is a rite of passage.
avocado says
Anon Lawyer, exactly. Kids are going to want whatever it is they don’t have, and you can’t get them to stop complaining just by explaining the choices you’ve made. I do like Aunt Jamesina’s mom’s method of shutting down the complaints without invalidating the feelings.
Anon says
My mom worked but full-time but was home with me in the summers (professor) so I had the unicorn childhood your kid claims to want and I literally once yelled at her “why don’t you go to an office like a normal adult and leave me alone!?!” Teenagers just complain about everything. It’s not a working mom thing, it’s a parent-of-teenagers thing.
Anonymous says
Can you separate out “mommy works” from “you can’t do what your friends do”? I’m not sure how old they are, but in my area there is a big mix of SAHMs [and a few Ds], part time working parents [most common], and 2-parent working families. Plus a few single-parent setups.
Are your kids approaching an age where you can look at different summer arrangements for them? One of my kids really needs a “rest and relax” summer; two weeks of full day summer camp is all she can handle. We do a mix of half day camps, a 2-week family vacation to the beach, a couple long weekend trips, 2 weeks of full day summer camp, and a neighborhood babysitter. Now that DH and I are WFH, I even let them sit home sleeping in late and watching TV until 11am some days, then take them to the pool over lunch (or to a friend’s house with a pool for a playdate). We also have a swim and tennis club in town where kids 10+ can stay alone. It’s super popular for working parents to hire an “in club” sitter and drop the kids from 8-4 all summer long.
Yesterday, my 8 y/o woke up at 8:30, lounged until 10, did a lego set, had lunch, then I drover her over to her friend’s house. They were on pool floats from 1pm-4pm. My 3 and 5 y/os were at camp from 8-1, got picked up and brought home and played with our neighborhood sitter until 5pm.
Some of what helps is that over the years I’ve formed loose friendships with other working moms, as well as SAH moms who are sick of their kids whining that they are bored. Sometimes the kid of a SAH family will come over and play with one of my kids all morning. Either DH or I will be home to loosely supervise, or we get a college sitter.
Cb says
Yes, definitely! We’ve got a weird set up at the moment where it is all on my husband but I try to help with nursery pick up 1x a week because it makes kiddo so happy and I get to see what they are up to at nursery.
anne-on says
This – you need to block your calendar. My team is global, but I try to do drop off at least 3-4 mornings a week. My husband handles the other days OR we call in a babysitter. Drop off is easier for me because pick up means waiting in the car line, the school is in a dead zone for reception, so it’s 30 minutes round trip AM vs. 45-60 minutes PM. I also try to block off 30 minutes at 4 so I can come downstairs, say hi, talk about school, let kiddo know what’s for dinner, triage any ‘hard’ homework that we need to review vs. what the sitter can do. I’ll then clean up and take final calls from 4:30-5:30. Dinner is 5:30-6:30, and I’ll do more email on the couch with kiddo as we all do screen time from 7 onward. I don’t LOVE working on the couch at night but if it lets me do family dinner more nights I’ll deal.
We also all have kids, so saying ‘I’m offline to do pick up/drop off but can catch up at time X instead’ is totally fine. The more senior I get the less I hide family obligations – I tell myself that I’m modeling work/life balance for the younger folks when in reality it feels like a total mess of juggling ;)
Boston Legal Eagle says
“The more senior I get the less I hide family obligations – I tell myself that I’m modeling work/life balance for the younger folks when in reality it feels like a total mess of juggling ;)” – yes, this. Especially with Covid, I have no problem saying I’m doing daycare drop off and pick up and am unavailable at certain times. We need to normalize because the old men with SAHWs certainly won’t.
And Pogo, I hear you, we’ve had very nice weather this summer – not oppressively hot and humid most days (beyond the random thunderstorms) – it’s nice to take advantage of a couple of afternoons if you can. Agree with the suggestion to block your calendar for certain times so at least you won’t have meetings scheduled over.
Pogo says
I definitely don’t hide the obligations, and for the most part people are great. Which is making me realize again it’s on ME. Instead of trying to take the call at the playground, just don’t join the call. Delegate. easier said than done haha.
Pogo says
Thank you guys for the quick responses and great suggestions! DH and I trade pick up and drop offs, but I usually use my ‘extra’ time to do more work ?
Committing the time once a week is a great idea. I think I’ll be way more motivated to stick to it and carve out the time. It’s on me to keep my boundaries – instead of taking calls in the car and on the playground during my “blocked family time”.
anne-on says
This was the biggest mind shift I had to make post-kids. Nobody else would defend my family/personal time so it was on me to set boundaries and limits. It took some time to figure out what was ‘really’ nonnegotiable vs. what I treated as nonnegotiable (and yes, I totally still take calls in the car at times) but I feel better about the balance when I am intentional about my schedule and choices.
Anonymous says
The nice thing about committing once a week is that it doesn’t have to be the same day. You can look at your calendar Sunday night and decide which day works best. On the other hand it could be easier to just know that Fridays are your walk days or whatever.
Anon says
there is a school district near me that just announced that they will not be requiring kids who test positive for Covid to stay home (it will just be encouraged), nor do they have a mask requirement in place. fortunately my kids are too young for regular school and we are in a different district, but this sounds bananas.
Anonymous says
Wow. I am up in MA and that just blows my mind. Our kids will be pool tested 2x/week and masks required.
So Anon says
Wow. I can’t even fathom. Our district just sent out an email that they will make the masking decision closer to the start of the school year based on caseloads in the area. I am expecting that they will require masks for unvaccinated people, including kids, and that they will require those who test positive and close contacts to remain at home.
Anon says
A lot of red states have banned mask mandates in schools. My school district currently has one for unvaccinated students and staff in elementary schools (masks are optional for everyone in 7-12 because those kids can get vaccinated) but I’m just waiting for the legislature or governor to block it. ?
On the other hand, we had school in person all year last year which I know a lot of the blue states didn’t. I don’t think many districts handled this right, i.e., open with sensible precautions.
Pogo says
sorry what? that is against CDC guidelines, isn’t it?!
We had a second degree contact situation – a vaxxed healthcare worker tested positive at a family gathering a daycare classmate was at – and that daycare classmate had to stay home for 2 weeks or until PCR negative. I felt for the family (they had to keep both kids home for a week) but it seemed like the right call. It was the first vaxxed positive I’ve personally heard of, but it really heartened me that she did not transmit it, and that healthcare workers are still being tested frequently to catch these situations and prevent spread.
Cb says
We had a double vaxxed nursery teacher test positive and her bubble had to self-isolate for 10 days. It’s rough but understandable, and we’re all waiting for our turn.
Anonymous says
This is why I wish OSHA would step in and make some regulations. CDC guidelines don’t mandate any action. On the other hand, if there were an OSHA regulation that employees could not be exposed to unmasked unvaccinated people, then schools would have to require unvaccinated kids to be masked in order to protect their employees. Stores would have to require masks or proof of vaccination on the part of all customers. Etc.
Anon says
I’m really worried the forthcoming CDC guidelines are going to cause my red state to ban mask mandates in schools. They want to do the opposite of whatever the federal government says now that it’s controlled by a democrat.
Pogo says
Good point. Definitely seems like an OSHA regulation would make the most sense.
No Face says
This is the dumbest possible policy.
Fallen says
For august my older daughters (8) camp ends an hour before my toddler sons childcare arrangement. On most days I will likely pick up my son earlier, but I would love some ideas of fun one-on-one activities I could do with my daughter that last about an hour or maybe two (I can pick her up an hour early if I can manage to finish my work)?
I was thinking so far ice cream, an early dinner put together, maybe a walk if I can convince her, sitting at a coffee shop or park reading together , walking around town/shopping, getting out nails done. Any others?
Boston Legal Eagle says
If she likes books and you’re comfortable with it, how about browsing a book store or library and picking out some new books, and maybe even sitting and reading inside for a bit.
Mary Moo Cow says
Building toys or board games al fresco while you wait? My daughter likes to do LEGO with me, or play Sorry! with DH. Doing it outside would probably be a novelty.
Anonymous says
Pedicure!
AwayEmily says
My daughter is a bit younger but we set aside an afternoon for “just us” once a week and her favorites are going to the library to pick out books, doing a new craft (something she picks out from one of our craft books — ideally ahead of time so I can make sure we have supplies), going on a scooter or bike adventure somewhere new, cooking something, going to a lake or pool, or doing a quick trip to the zoo (we’re members so we can just pop in and out). She prefers that any of these activities be paired with ice cream.
Anonymous says
Talk to me about “craft books”? My daughter loves crafts, and I don’t have a crafty bone in my body. Are you saying there are books with ideas that I can use? Specific recommendations?
Anonymous says
IIRC, Melissa and Doug has some things like this. And American Girl Doll sells craft kits (like for pencil-toppers, etc.).
anne-on says
Oh yes – Klutz has an entire line of books like this – we had almost every one as a kid. You can also buy craft kits online once you know your kid is into a certain type of craft.
Anonymous says
There is a section of kids’ craft books in Barnes & Noble. There are a whole bunch of books that just have instructions for crafts (as opposed to the Klutz kits and their ilk) and they are super fun to browse. Some are themed (we have a Harry Potter one) and some are topical (paper crafts, knitting, forest fairy dolls, etc.).
AwayEmily says
The only one we own is called The Artful Parent, which is much more about “process” art (e.g. cool techniques for painting, etc). Otherwise we go to the library for our craft books…they usually have a bunch along various themes (nature, space, unicorns, etc). A lot of them, especially the older ones, tend to assume that you have kind of obscure supplies that many people do not any more (who has a giant package of brads??) but they’re all pretty easily procured given some notice.
Anonymous says
My favorite kids’ craft book is Just Us Girls by Cindy Ann Ganaden. My daughter and I did several of the projects in the book and they are really fun and adorable. They all have sort of a magical earth fairy bougie hippie aesthetic.
Anonymous says
I have an 8 y/o girl. Here’s what we like to do when we get rare 1:1 time:
– let her play “hair salon” on my head
– go to Starbucks or Dunkin and let her get a Fancy Drink
– bike ride somewhere (our fave is to the library then Dunkin, which is a 1 hour adventure all in, or we also can go to a little boutique food ‘shoppe’ and grab a snack. There is a rail trail near us which is a slightly bigger adventure but can be done in <2 hours).
– mani/pedis at a salon, or DIY at home
– popcorn and a Big Kid movie (musicals are big hits).
– go to Michaels and pick a small craft.
– schedule a play date with one of her friends
– tie dye (this is <2 hours assuming you have all the stuff)
– online or physical shopping for back to school stuff
– cook a meal / dinner prep
DLC says
+1 to the library. When I asked my 8 year old what she wanted to do when we had an afternoon off for a mommy daughter date, she asked to go to the library. I guess she really missed it.
Another idea is you can be home- the other day we had an hour between camp and swim practice, so we made muffin batter and put it in the fridge and made muffins after dinner for dessert. I feel like most doughs and batters are quick to throw together (just need to remember to soften the butter beforehand!) so doable in an hour or so.
Geocaching. But no one is ever as excited about that as I am…
Anon says
How soon after your children were born did you take your first adults-only vacation and how did it go? My husband and I are going to a wedding in Europe next summer when our baby will be 1.5 (staying with grandparents), and I’m trying to decide if we should make it a super quick trip or stay for a week.
Anon says
It still hasn’t happened yet but it was supposed to be March 2020 (ha ha) when our daughter had just turned 2. We were only going for a long weekend but that was more because 2 year olds are a handful and we wanted to make sure it wasn’t too hard on my parents. We weren’t really worried about our kid missing us. We’re hopefully going to Europe for our 10 year anniversary in 2022 and will stay for at least a week but our kid will be 4.5 by then. I would be inclined to stay for at least 5-6 days if you’re going all the way to Europe.
No Face says
My husband and I went away for 10 days when our first child was about a year old. She spent the week with grandparents and had a great time. She became even more close to them, which is great for overnight visits. We were able to throw ourselves into our incredibly busy, jam packed, napless trip.
If the grandparents are game, I would stay for the week.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We took a couples trip for about a week when our oldest was 11 months (almost 1 year). I was done nursing by then and overall it was a great trip. My parents watched him, but he was in daycare for most of the week, so it wasn’t hands on every day. He seemed ok with it, I don’t know that he would known the difference between a few days and a week, so I think you should take advantage and do the full week.
Leatty says
We’ve done several kid-free trips, the first one was a week long when she was 11 months. It was a lot easier then because my daughter didn’t miss me. Now, my 4 year old gets very upset if she so much as spends the weekend with grandparents. Highly recommend going for a full week.
Spriograph says
I don’t remember whether we did anything shorter before, but we left the baby with my mom and went on a 5 night cruise alone when he was a little over a year old. It was glorious! If flying all the way to Europe, and the grandparents are happy to watch the baby longer, I’d definitely stay for a week! Make it worth the flight time.
Now that I’m thinking about it, that’s the last adults-only vacation we went on together, too. We’ve done solo vacations and weekends away together, but not a real couple trip. It’s a very different ask to foist 3 kids on my mom than just one… So yeah, take your chance when you have it.
AwayEmily says
+1 to taking as much advantage as you can, especially if you’re considering more kids. I really regret not taking a vacation before my second was born. It’s a tough ask to leave an older grandparent with two young kids.
Spirograph says
exactly. My mom said a few years ago that she’d watch more than one kid as long as they were potty trained. Once she retires next summer, she may be willing to do a week during the school year. My oldest will be 9, so it’s been a long stretch where it just wasn’t really a fair thing for me to suggest.
TheElms says
Kid is 2 and it still hasn’t happened. We don’t have any family that are physically capable or health wise capable of watching our kiddo now that she is an active toddler so I’m assuming unless we leave her with our nanny (I’m fine with this, DH is still on the fence) it will be whenever she goes to sleepaway camp! We have both traveled for work and left her with the other parent.
Anonymous says
We have grandparents willing to watch our kid but DH won’t do it because he thinks she’d be sad to miss the trip. Which is probably true, but I think minor disappointment like that is part of life, and it’s not like we don’t also travel with her a ton. So I’m counting on sleepaway camp too. Although even then who knows, maybe he’ll think she’ll have FOMO when she hears about our trip. But I think it will be easier to convince him to go somewhere when she’s off having her own adventures.
Anonymous says
With hubby, never and kiddo is almost 6. For a girls trip, just short of 2.
Anon says
+1. Oldest is turning six, youngest is 3 months, and between nursing, pregnancy x3, kids that still don’t sleep through the night, and my anxiety we’ve never been away for more than a night, and that’s been for a wedding. If your baby is a good sleeper, though, I’d stay away for the week; if she’s not, sleep deprivation for the grandparents might be too much
AnotherAnon says
When my oldest was 18 months I went to Alaska with my SIL for a week. I don’t think DH and I have been away together for more than a weekend: we have 5 month old twins now so we need to figure this out. Anyway, my vote would be to stay for a week if you can swing it.
Anon. says
We did several long weekends before this, but just after my oldest turned 2 we spent 10 days in France and it was absolutely glorious. He had the best time with grandparents and we were able to truly decompress. And bonus, the flight home wasn’t the depressing, vacation is over downer that it usually is because I was looking forward to seeing him again by then.
Pogo says
I think that’s a great age to do adults-only trip – my kiddo was pretty easy at that age. We only did a few overnights when kiddo was young, our longest trip away was when he was 2.5 and we both had separate work trips. During the week, LO is in daycare so the grandparents are just doing morning/evening routine. My mom let him watch more TV than I would have at the time, but it worked fine. He didn’t miss us lol.
Anon says
We do a lot of adults only trips. First one was when our youngest was like 8 months, just 2 days and she stayed with my in laws.
I don’t want to fear monger but I would be nervous to travel internationally without my kids right now. Not because I’m worried about getting covid (we are fully vaccinated) but I would be super nervous about testing positive and not being able to come back or boarders getting shut down due to covid.
Anon says
Eh, US citizens will always be able to get home even if borders shut. We’re probably canceling a planned adults only trip to a Caribbean resort this winter but it’s because I don’t want to get mild illness and spread it to my unvaxxed kids, not because I’m worried about the borders getting shut down.
Anonymous says
I just returned from an international trip and this was my main concern as well. We had our kids with us, and the idea of being turned back at the airport because of a positive test, and then having to quarantine with my in-laws for 10 days, was definitely on my mind.
I will say, if you’re traveling in warmer weather, as we were, it’s pretty easy to keep your risk profile low. We were either at our Airbnb or doing an outdoor activity for our entire trip, with grocery shopping being the one exception.
CCLA says
Another vote to do the week while you can! I don’t recall if we did shorter trips earlier, but around a year with our first we left for Hawaii for a week. We had a trusted sitter who had been her nanny before daycare stay in our home. She was still in daycare during the day which made it easier I think for her and nanny. We did kid-free trips way earlier with second kiddo, and were lucky that by then grandparents were game to watch infant plus toddler. Like another poster noted, as the kids get older they’re more aware, which can make it more complex in its own way. My 4.5yo didn’t love the idea of us leaving for a weekend recently, but once the time came she had a great easy time with grandparents.
Doodles says
We went to a wedding for 4 days when first kid was 5 months. This was about a 3hr flight. Had a great time but pumping everywhere really sucked. Then went for a week in the Caribbean when baby was 11 month. Pumping while looking at the ocean was slightly better. Did our first weekend away from both kids (youngest is now 13 month; oldest is 3) last month. That was a short drive away. The lack of travel after the second kid is more covid-related than anything else. In your situation, I would definitely go for a week or longer in Europe. You’re flying all that way!
Anon says
So I saw the discussion the other day about someone going PT for transactional work. I’m just wondering if anyone has completely gone into a different field or leaned out completely while on maternity leave or shortly after? Any pros and cons? I’m a FTM currently on maternity leave and am an income partner in a transactional group at biglaw. While I liked the intellectual stimulation of working on complex deals and the money,I also really dreaded going into work each day. I don’t like the constant pressure “to be on” and available 24-7, the anxiety of making sure every aspect of the deal worked, the emptiness of just helping financial institutions, and the guilt in making associates work late nights and ruining their weekends. And most of all, I hate business development. Given all that, I don’t really think this is the right job for me and now that I have a child I don’t know how I can continue to do it (and I don’t really think it’s realistic in my group to go part time in any meaningful way). I also don’t want my child to see how miserable I am working (and if I’m going to be away so many hours from my kid I want to at least be doing something I love) but I also want them to see a badass mom who has a successful career (and I want to provide financial security to my family and be able to help extended family—I grew up poor so I’ve had to make my own safety net for myself and my family) so I’m torn as to what I should do and just looking for advice or anecdotes or just commiseration. I thought I’d have time during maternity leave to figure out what to do next but I really don’t have time at all to anything at all.
No Face says
Lol to your last sentence! I thought I would have so much time to read on maternity leave and it was an incredibly busy time. It sounds like you dislike pretty much every aspect of your job, so you should definitely make a switch. Your job is now a source of high income while you job hunt. Reach out to colleagues who have switched from your practice area to another job/field and ask what they like, how it is the same or different, etc.
I would also say that instead of going formally PT, pull way back on any nonbillable obligations and accept that you might not hit your hours.
Anon says
Op here. Lol. Yes I was hoping to read a lot more too! I knew maternity leave was going to be hard/busy but didn’t realize even when I have some time down, I’m just too mentally and physically exhausted to do anything else. I like the idea of finding a job and pulling back on my hours while I look for another job but I’m worried that realistically my billable work will just be all consuming (my practice group is super busy like everyone is billing 150% and even if I took it easier I’d probably still be billing 100%) and I won’t have time to do anything and will just be stuck (and why I was hoping to do this on leave but given my leave is ending, I think I’ll need to go back for at least a few months). But maybe I’ll just need to just suck it up and do it during working hours somehow.
Anon says
I switched from law (litigation) to a different career shortly before getting pregnant. Wanting a family definitely wasn’t the only consideration (the biggest one was that I was stuck in a small town for my husband’s job, couldn’t practice the kind of law I wanted to, and hated the old boys network bar in that area) but I would be lying if I said plans for kids didn’t factor into my decision. I just didn’t see how being a lawyer, especially at a firm, was compatible with the kind of parent I wanted to be (this is not meant as a judgment on anyone who makes different choices, just a statement about what I wanted for myself/my family). Even if you’re not working Big Law hours, law is still a demanding career that normally involves 50+ hour workweeks and I didn’t want to be doing that when I had kids. That said, in your case I would explore moving in house before giving up on law completely – it sounds like being in house would remove a lot of the things you hate about your job (business development, ruining associates’ weekends).
Anon says
Op here. Thank you. Same. Not trying to judge anyone who stays in law and has a family but I don’t see how it’ll be compatible with the type of family-life I want. I don’t think I’ll mind working late nights but I just don’t think I can sacrifice almost every weekend for a job.
Same says
Just offering some sympathy/empathy, no real advice. I am a senior associate in a similar practice area and don’t want to make partner for many of the reasons you said you don’t like your job. My plan is to go in-house in a few years, or maybe try an Of Counsel role.
Anon says
Op here. Thank you for the sympathy/empathy. Good to know I’m not alone in feeling this way. Hope you can figure out what to do next.
So Anon says
When I had my first, I was a mid/senior level litigation associate in a biglaw firm. I went back to work “PT” after maternity leave ended, and I left biglaw when he was about a year and a half. There was no way I had time on my first maternity leave to do anything but make sure my son and I survived.
I clerked for a few years, which was a huge pay cut, but it gave me the chance to catch my breath. That was my version of leaning out for a while. I also had my second child while clerking. Even with 0 paid maternity leave, the pregnancy and returning to work were so much easier because I didn’t dread going into work everyday. Towards the end of my clerkship, I found an in-house position with a small company and legal team. It was a pay increase from clerking but not what I had made in biglaw. While my background was in litigation, in-house, I took on (and continue to do so) whatever the company needs, and I love it. I have found that a willingness to learn new things means that I am not stuck on a prescribed path of what I can do. My salary with bonus and incentives is still a bit less than what I made in biglaw, but I work about 40-50 hours per week and love my job. I make a very comfortable living and my kids know that I enjoy my job.
I think one of the hardest things about working in biglaw is the trope that you will never find anything as good as “here,” wherever “here” is — whether that is in terms of salary, or just general employment. I have not found that to be true. I suspect that for many on this board, we followed the path laid out in front of us, and it is so scary to step off of the path and try and find your own way. While things worked out and look great in hindsight for me, it was anything but sure footed while I was doing it.
Anon says
Op here. Thank you for sharing your story. And ha, yes, I feel like all I have time for is making sure I and my baby survive during my leave (and I’m trying to respond as quickly as I can before my baby wakes up from his morning nap). It is scary to make that leap and go off on a different path but I love hearing about people who just did it, accepted the pay cut and things just work out in the end. I feel like it shouldn’t be normal to dread going into work each day so it’s nice to hear people finding jobs they ultimately love. I’m debating whether to just take an “easier” job once maternity leave ends or if this is really the time to take a huge leap and do something entirely different since I think the maternity leave provides a good reason as a turning point in one’s career path. But I’m also scared to just do something so different and work long hours again to prove myself.
anon says
I left biglaw litigation to go in house shortly after I married (I was 39, and starting fertility treatments). I was also an income partner. I had gotten increasingly unhappy with my compensation and general treatment at the firm. There was a significant management shift with a new group taking over and I for better or worse has allies in the old guard, to whom the new guard was actively hostile. While my personal family situation was not the front burner reason I left, it was a factor. I would have been pushed out shortly and saw the writing on the wall (saw it happen to another woman the year before).
I am so much happier in house. I hated business development too. It didn’t take long to establish myself as a trusted advisor, someone who was respected and not looked down on. Plus, the hours are great, and vacations and time off are respected. I now have a child and am not sure I would have made it work in big law litigation.
Anon says
Op here. Thank you for sharing your story. I think that’s another reason for considering leaving. I think I’m also unhappy with overall comp and treatment despite feeling like I work all the time or give a lot of my time to the firm doing business development, recruiting, dealing with associate retention, etc. I don’t think I’ll make equity partner any time soon and I feel like comp will just stay the same (which would be fine if I didn’t have to work crazy hours or do any of the nonbillable stuff) and I don’t have any opportunities for growth since the only way to do that is to do all the things I don’t enjoy about the job so I just feel like I’m stuck in mud. And I would love a job where vacations and time off are respected.
anne-on says
I would think you’d be a pretty great candidate if you wanted to go into M&A consulting (Big 4/any of the mgmt consultants). I’m sure you’d still have some late nights/difficult hours, but you’d also have bigger teams, backup, less 1:1 business development expectations, etc.
Anon says
Op here. Thank you for suggesting this. It sounds intriguing and something I may look into since I do actually like to do deal work. By Big 4, do you mean the accounting firms? And by management consultants, do you mean like a Bain or McKinsey? Do you know what’s the best way to go about finding more about what this entails and how you apply? Do you use a recruiter or can one just go through their websites?
Anon says
network. reach out to people and talk to them about what they do, etc. frame it as information gathering.
Anon says
Op here. Good idea–thank you!
anne-on says
Yes, the Big4 are Deloitte/EY/KPMG/PwC, and the mgmt. consultancies are the “McB’s” – Bain, BCG, McKinsey. I guarantee that you know someone in your LinkedIn contacts who works at one of them – reach out, ask if you can have an informational interviews. Internal people are compensated for recommending candidates who get hired in (with higher amounts for more senior people) and EVERYONE is hiring now so do not feel guilty about working your network.
Recruiters can help here too, as can applying directly on the websites but direct referrals tend to have the best success rates. IF you do interview at one of the mgmt. consultancies make sure to spend time reviewing their process, all of them have crazy ‘games’ ‘tests’ etc. that they ask which are well documented on their own sites and on other blogs/websites.
Anon says
Op here. Thank you! Good ideas and helpful info.
KH says
I’m a B4 mgmt consultant also on maternity leave. My firm is hiring like crazy. Let me know if you want to chat!
Anon says
First of all, congrats on your baby! Hope it’s going well. And yes would love to chat and find out more about what you do and how you think it would work with a family if you have some time. What’s the best way to do this? Should I set up a burner account and email you?
KH says
Congrats to you as well! Remind me on Monday and I’ll set up a burner account and we can go from there!
Anon says
Thank you and will do!
Anonymous says
I left Biglaw M&A practice as a senior associate when my oldest was 1.5. I have become a serial entrepreneur of sorts – buying and then selling a company; later buying a couple more companies. These are very small companies, but with good cash flow. It is a way different path than I ever imagined and certainly way less prestigious than my former law career. However, I have a lot of flexibility and can basically function like a SAHM. I work maybe an hour or two a day.
It’s not without its stresses. I don’t make what I would be making as a biglaw partner. But many years I make more than I did as a senior associate. I’m okay with not growing my companies as quickly as I could if I put more time into it. But I’ve accepted that trade off for time with my family.
I’ve been doing this for 8 years now – the same number of years I was in biglaw.
There are ways “out” – it just may look really different than how you expect it to. FWIW I tried to make transactional biglaw work after my first with reduced hours etc but it never did. I do miss spending time with smart colleagues, though!
Anonymous says
What are these magical businesses that bring in the salary of a biglaw associate with only an hour or two of work a day?
Anon says
Lol. Op here. I read this too and thought wow this sounds pretty bada$$ to me–working one to two hours a day by buying and selling companies and making a biglaw associate money. Please tell us more about how you did this. :) Like where did you get the money to buy a company and how much money are we talking in order to buy a business? I’m sure your M&A background helped with evaluating businesses but any other skills you had or acquired in order to do this?
Anonymous says
Real estate related. It’s not magical or glamorous – and there are no days off – even weekends – but it works for me!
Anonymous says
…I hit a unicorn company the first time. I bought it for 5 figures (so, minimal investment right out of the gate) and sold it 3 years later for several times what I paid for it and dumped that into my next companies. I have found that a general M&A practice lends itself well to running small businesses – it’s a lot of issue spotting and risk mitigation.
Mary Moo Cow says
This is DH’s dream. It sounds like he would be making about what he does now for a lot less work. I’m here for it, if he can really have the flexibility and SAHD-like lifestyle it sounds like you have.
anon says
I was an income partner in a transactional practice in biglaw, and went in-house while pregnant. My in-house job was a step up (it’s a direct report to GC of a F100 company role), so it was, frankly, an incredibly easy decision both professionally and personally. My job is interesting and comes with a lot of responsibility (and respect) but the hours are way more normal (although during the time that I am working, it is high intensity and high stress).
Anon says
Op here. Thank you for sharing. I’m also thinking in-house somewhere with deal work could be a good fit. I’m so impressed you did it while pregnant! I should have spent more time figuring this out while pregnant vs. on my leave.
fallen says
I felt very similarly working in finance (ibanking) – it felt so pointless and just dreading to go into work and everyone was stressed and full of themselves , and the only reason it made sense was the money and “success” (whatever that means), and I just didn’t see how I could have that kind of life/career with kids. SO after getting pregnant with my daughter I did a complete 180 and got a PhD in Clinical Psychology, spent 5 years in graduate school, and now work as faculty/have a lab/and I am about to start seeing a few patients part-time. I did a lot of soul-searching about what I truly wanted to do with my life to end up here (some books that I recommend are “Way Worse Than Being a Dentist” and “Designing Your Life” – they were helpful to me at the time). To be fair I was in my mid-20s at the time so had nothing to lose, I know it’s harder walking away when you have made it further up in the career ladder.
Why did you go into law in the first place? Is there something that you felt like you always wanted to and that you would find meaningful and enjoyable (if possible within law – but even outside of it?) I feel like it is way easier to leave your kids at home when you are doing something meaningful and you are passionate about than just to have a job/for money/other external reason. It was a long-road but a decade later I can 100% say it is the best decision I made in my life. I think the toughest part is giving up the salary (but I guess doesn’t always have to happen depending on what you find), but I would take doing something I am super passionate about any day over a “big” salary, and if you are good at what you do you can eventually get compensated well in almost any professions (probably not big law money, but very well).
I hope this is not too long/helpful.. it is something I am so passionate about. At the end of the day I told myself at the time I have one life to live and I spend a good chunk of my day at work, so I refused to do something that (as I wrote in my diary at the time) “I didn’t love more than watching Gilmore Girls (my favorite show at the time)” I don’t think I would find staying home enjoyable at all and would stress about being financially dependent on someone, but I know several who were much happier after quitting – I would just warn that being home with a newborn is much different/harder than with a toddler or multiple kids.
Loud potty help says
New school has those auto flush toilets. After a week of no issues my 3.5 year old girl has decided they are “too loud” and is wetting her pants. I have spoken with the teachers who will try the post it on the sensor trick (it didn’t work yesterday but that was the first try, she sat there and didn’t pee). This is a child who potty trained at 2.75 in 3 days and never has accidents. She wears pull up at night but it’s always dry.
We talked about how it is loud and she “doesn’t like” it. I told her it was ok to be scared (biglittlefeelings style). She hasn’t been able to tell me why she doesn’t like it other than the noise. She’s not particularly sensitive to other noises and doesn’t have any known sensory issues.
The school which is brand new said other kids were talking about the loud toilets. It seems a stupid choice for preschool but here we are. Internet says it’s a thing. Any tips for talking thru it or other ideas? Teacher is trying post it trick and stickers as inducement today.
Cont loud potty says
Forgot to mention daughter is classic “strong willed” and stubborn.
Anon says
I’m probably projecting, but for my strong willed daughter, this would not actually be about the toilets. It would totally be a grab for control after her school changed. It’s hard to always get this right, but can you find something else to give her control over, and see if that helps? Maybe she picks out her outfit to wear to school, maybe she has a special item that waits for her to return from the potty, maybe she gets to “pick” dinner 1-2 nights a week. For a extra rough period once, we even let my daughter “pick” when we left for school – we left between 7:30 and 7:40, and she got to pick the number 1-9 that the clock would end with.
loud potty says
Thanks, this is something I didn’t really think of. She says she LOVES the new school and we did a lot of prep to get her there with leaving her old school (moved because she was with a bunch of 2 year olds at daycare and needed more structure/learning and to be with peers). She already picks out clothes and shoes, and we are pretty liberal about letting her choose breakfast and lunch already so long is it is relatively balanced. I will try the time thing, that is clever and I can see her being into that. .
Anon says
Sound dampening earmuffs as part of her ‘going to the bathroom’ kit?
Anonymous says
What kind of idiot puts auto-flush toilets in a preschool?!?
loud potty says
I know right??!!?? This morning I learned it was not just my kid that is talking about loud toilets, although I will be secretly pleased if she is the leader of the loud potty mutiny. That said I do need to make this work out, the school is otherwise great so far.
govtattymom says
My daughter went through this stage. She was terrified of the autoflush toilets! I actually kept post it notes in my purse/diaper bag to put over the sensor and that worked for her. It was as much about the unexpected timing of the flush as it was the loud noise. I remember spending a ton of time during our trip to Disney World looking for regular flush toilets, lol.
So Anon says
This was exactly the issue for both of my kids. It was loud, but the issue was more not knowing if or when it was going to flush – with the possibility of a bit of cold water hitting sensitive skin mid-stream.
OP- Can you go with her into the bathroom and do a bit of investigation about what the issue could be? I also found practicing and normalizing it helped both of my kiddos. If you are out and about with your kiddo (and you feel comfortable doing so), use any opportunity you can to practice using these type of toilets.
Anonymous says
We sent noise-muffling headphones to school for this phase, which only lasted a couple of weeks for my girl with a similar temperament.
Furniture scratches says
Best remedy for scratches on the top of the dining table (from moving the high chair over the top of it a few times – oops)?
Anonymous says
If this is your everyday table, don’t bother fixing the scratches. Your children will destroy the tabletop anyway and it’s useless to resist. Fun fact: did you know that maple syrup will remove the finish from your furniture?
Anonymous says
Agree with this. My kiddo constantly wants to be at the kitchen table. We’ll probably either refinish or get a new one when she stops playing at it all the time. She’s a rising kindergartner, so it’ll be a while. It’s already 15.5 years old, so I suppose 20ish years will be a good run.
Anonymous says
One of those wood markers, which frankly don’t really work. Best advice is a strategically placed decorative bowl/placemat/table runner.
anon says
for a quick fix on certain types of wood try rubbing a walnut half or piece on the scratch. it worked for floor scratches caused by kids. have to keep doing it periodically.
Anon says
Brown crayon to match the finish, cover with a paper towel and iron on low just enough to melt the wax into the scratch
Aunt Jamesina says
I would probably let it go for now and have the table refinished a few years later if I really liked it.
Anonymous says
Howard brand products have worked miracles for us on scratches on our MCM dining room table and water rings and marks on an antique dresser. I would first try their Feed N Wax product (only need a soft cloth to buff) and then level up to their Restore a Finish product (rub with fine steel wool). I swear I’m not affiliated—just a huge fan!
Mommasgottasleep says
TJ of couples travel above: how do you get away if your parents/in-laws are too old to care for your kids? My mom is the only local family and she still works. She will likely be 68 before my twins are potty trained. My MIL is of similar age and the primary caregiver for my four year old niece so she’s got her hands full. She also lives 250 miles away. Maybe I just need to get creative about splitting our three among aunts and uncles and offer to reciprocate?
TheElms says
I have fantasies of perhaps trading with a friend. I would watch their kid for up to a week so they could take a kid-free vacation and then they would reciprocate for me. I have a couple friends that might be a good fit for this but I haven’t gotten the courage up to ask, largely because of COVID and none of us are travelling for fun with unvaccinated kids at home at the moment (our choice, others make different choices and that’s fine).
Anon says
You pay a nanny or a babysitter if you have someone willing, or you wait until your children go off to summer camp. If the issue is the family caregiver lives far away, you could potentially bring your kids to them and then fly on your trip from there.
Fwiw, my mom is turning 70 in six months, still works full-time and cared for my daughter overnight as an infant, toddler and now preschooler. She’s the only person other than my husband I fully trust with my kid in higher risk situations (pools, etc.) so I resent the implication that a person that age is “too old” to care for kids. If they don’t want to, of course that’s their choice, but your comment is pretty ageist. Many 68 year olds are healthy and active.
Spirograph says
As the daughter of a very active 68 year old, I get what you’re saying here, but OP has THREE young kids, not one. Asking a 68 year old to care for one infant, toddler, or preschooler overnight is apples and oranges to asking one to care for three kids including not-yet-potty-trained twins for several days and nights in a row. Also, since her mom still works (mine does too), she’d likely need to use her own vacation time to do this, which is an even bigger imposition. I didn’t do it not because I my mom wasn’t capable, but because it’s not *nice,* and I got the same impression from OP.
My mom takes each of my kids for a week of one-on-one time in the summer and she and they love it. One kid is easy! You don’t have to mediate fights, you only have one tiny tyrant worth of preferences to account for, and kids with siblings are often thrilled to play only-child and get tons of attention, so they’re on their best behavior. When we all showed up at her house for a long weekend/kid swap-out a few weeks ago, my kids reverted to their normal squabbling selves within an hour and my mom just laughed and said, “wow, they are different kids when you keep them separate! I’m glad I have the easy version!”
Anon says
I don’t disagree at all that three is harder than two is harder than one, but I still maintain that the “too old to watch my kids” phrasing was ageist. I just don’t think age is the biggest factor here. Honestly I don’t know many 55 year old grandparents that would sign up to watch three little kids for a week. It’s not about being “old” it’s about the fact that having that many little kids in your house is exhausting and overwhelming and few grandparents are eager to sign up for that, they’d rather have the one-on-one experiences that are more fun, as you note.
Spirograph says
Eh, DH and I say that we’re “too old” to deal with 3 under 5 anymore, and we’re only 38. My mom says it and I know she could do it if she wanted to. To me, it’s shorthand for — as you said — “I find that exhausting and unrewarding, and since I’m past the season of my life where it was required of me, I’m not going to do it anymore” not a literal commentary on physical, cognitive, or emotional capability. Similar to “I’m too old to stay out drinking til 2am.” Which I also am, even though I’m sure I could physically do it.
So that’s the lens through which I interpreted OP’s comment. But are you saying that using “too old” when you don’t mean literally incapable due to age (I’m not sure how age alone would make you literally incapable of anything other than participating in stuff according to age-based rules) is just offensive, full stop, the way most people now recognize it’s wrong to use “gay” “lame” or “r—” to describe things they don’t like?
Anon says
OP mentioned her mom’s age and said she was “too old” to watch the kids. It was unclear to me if the mom had actually declined to watch them or if OP was just saying she couldn’t trust her mom with them because the mom is too old. If it’s the latter, that’s pretty offensive to me and was mostly what I was reacting to. There are plenty of 68 year olds who are perfectly capable of taking care of several little kids for a week. If the mom doesn’t want to, I totally understand that, but I’m not sure age is really the driving factor in that decision – lots of grandparents of any age might balk at watching three little kids at once. And why not just say “my mom is unable/unwilling to watch the kids”? You don’t have to make it about age.
I think it’s disingenuous to pretend that a self-deprecating remark about feeling old at 38 is the same as labeling an older person as “too old” to handle a task. Nobody assumes you’re frail or losing your mental faculties, but 60- and 70-somethings have to deal with those stereotypes all the time.
Spirograph says
That was just the background to an honest question, not trying to be disingenuous. In any case, it sounds like your answer is yes, it’s offensive to describe someone as “too old;” it’s only OK to say it about yourself, or if it’s obvious that you’re being facetious. It’s necessary to be specific about physical, cognitive, or (possibly in this case) willingness limitations so you don’t contribute to a cultural narrative that a chronological age equates to a particular level of incapability.
Makes a lot of sense, and thanks for helping me understand how others might view similar phrasing. I think we agree on all of this. Most of the 60-and 70-somethings I know are capable of but unwilling to take on 3 young kids for a week and like to claim being “too old,” tongue-in-cheek, so I just framed the OP’s description of her mother completely differently and glossed over “too old” being potentially offensive.
Anon says
you hire someone. or combo, so like your mom stays overnight, but you have a nanny come from 7-7 or two nannies or something like that, so your mom is not alone much with the kids. have multiple aunts/uncles come stay over
Anonymous says
You could split them up among grandparents and aunts and uncles. The other option is a babysitter you really trust, or waiting until they’re old enough for sleep-away camp.
anne-on says
You can definitely ask aunts/uncles, but we also don’t have local family and we simply didn’t take solo trips as a couple. It stinks having to pay for all of our care but it is what it is. We had an au pair when our son was younger who would work late nights (weddings, work events) and most of them were open to an under the table agreement of extra cash for extra hours of work at night when they weren’t planning to go anywhere anyway – we did this at most once or twice a year.
AwayEmily says
We once had to find coverage for 48 hours because we were both traveling for work. The kids were 9 months and 2.5, so not exactly easy ages. We flew my MIL in from across the country, and she tag-teamed with my mom who lives nearby (they both stayed at our house with the kids since my mom’s house is nowhere near childproofed). They actually had a great time together and bonded a bit. I think it would have been too much for one of them, but together they managed (though were exhausted).
CCLA says
I posted above, we took our first long kid-free trip leaving kiddo with trusted sitter/former nanny. We were very lucky to have someone like that whom we trusted, and it was not cheap, but it was worth it. Now we prefer to use grandparents but I forgot to mention above that they live a 3-hour flight away so we just pay to fly them in (I think they would probably come even if we weren’t paying for the trip but I think it’s the right thing to do and it’s not a burden to us). I’ve never flown the kids up to them, seems easier to bring them to our house.
Anon says
I would worry more about the physical and mental capability than the age, TBH. My parents (2-3 hour drive away) are 64 and 66 and just kept my super rambunctious constantly in motion tornado of a 4 year old for a week and are taking her for a week again next month. We did sign her up for a half-day camp when she is there with them this summer to give them a little break but we haven’t always. DH’s parents (71 and 84) were here yesterday (while DH was home recovering from a dental procedure) for all of three hours until I got home from work and managed to lose DD for an hour between the two of them (fortunately DH saw her go over to the neighbor kid’s house, but GM and GD each thought she was with the other).
We have also given thought of flying in one of my sisters for a long weekend (childless) if we wanted to get away or, if they one day they do have children, we would likely drop them off for a week with auntie and cousins and we would of course do the same. If your mom is still working, you would keep your full-time child care and grandma could just stay at your house while working or could take some vacation and keep them home (or pick them up early) a few days. We also have a local family we could probably swap with for a long weekend, but with Covid it hasn’t really come up since our kids are all now potty trained.
Anonymous says
Growing up we several times had a babysitter stay with us for a week at a time. Helpfully for my parents, they were college professors and had a long list of very trustworthy college seniors or recent grads.
anon says
Just need to rant for a minute about houses and renovations! I hilariously followed along with the discussion about resale value and bathtubs because we just overpaid for a house with 4 bathrooms and zero bathtubs with the thought that we could easily put one in. Our realtor recommended a contractor who said it would be about 12k – great. Now after talking to an architect and interior designer, it sounds like putting in a “nice” bathroom with high-end finishes is going to be like 50-80k. So, my question is, how much should a total bathroom renovation plus stacked washer/dryer addition run? I mean, the house is 1.5 mil so we want to make sure we are investing in it appropriately but we probably would have bought a different house if we knew how much everything was going to cost us and I feel pissed at this low-ball contractor.
TheElms says
For a master bathroom I could definitely see it being 50K in a HCOL area. I assume 80K involves moving a lot of plumbing? You could probably do “nice enough” finishes and not move plumbing for around 30K with the right contractor. For a secondary bathroom I don’t see why you would need to spend more than 20-30K unless it was really large or you’re planning to move a lot of plumbing. Secondary bathrooms in $1.5 million houses don’t need marble tile, nice porcelain or ceramic is fine. Don’t do marble countertops, pick another less expensive but still nice material. Get nicer light fixtures from Lowe’s rather than a lighting designer.
OP says
We might move plumbing and they would add plumbing lines for the washer/dryer I assume. I honestly just feel really stupid for not knowing how much this was going to be, and for trusting this low-end contractor. Like, we should would bought a different house if we knew if was going to be this much!
Telco Lady JD says
Looking for solidarity… I’m just tired, guys. First time mom of an awesome almost-nine month old baby after fertility treatments. Found out that IVF worked basically the day that Covid was declared a global pandemic. Had a boring pregnancy, despite being old and fat and my husband not being able to come to a single appointment. My girl was born in early November – and winter postpartum accompanied by a Covid and an armed insurrection was rough. She started daycare in June and has adjusted great – but now, as Delta variant cases are going up… we’re contemplating what our risk tolerance is and whether or not we can keep her in daycare (which, annoyingly, has thus far not released staff vaccine stats).
We have basically zero family help…or even, like….companionship? My parents are half a continent away and not in good enough health to take care of a baby even when they visit. My MIL is nearby, but healthwise is in the same situation as my parents. My SIL has her own two small children to take care of and has her hands full…and my friends are the same.
My girl is the best. But the isolation and the worry are tough. I know that having a kid means signing yourself up for a lifetime of worry….but it would be nice to just be concerned about the normal kid things.
Anyway…not really sure what the point of this is. But…I welcome messages of solidarity or similar tales of woe.
Anon says
I’m sorry that sounds tough. I can offer some solidarity. My 3.5 year old daughter is in daycare and we’re not contemplating pulling her out of it because we need childcare and she needs socialization (it’s obviously a different story for an infant) but we have basically no social contact with any kids her age outside of school – no parties or playdates or anything like that. We have a few friends locally that we see post-vax but they don’t have same age kids. She had just turned 2 when lockdown hit and we had thought we’d finally start meeting other parents on the birthday party circuit. Now she’ll probably be almost 5 before she attends or has a birthday party. Rationally, I know she’s not going to be scarred for life because she doesn’t do activities or go to parties in preschool or because she never got to travel or visit a children’s museum as a young kid. She has a loving family and plenty of contact with other kids at daycare. But it’s hard not to grieve the loss of the “normal” young childhood we thought she’d have.
TheElms says
You are doing great! This has been an incredibly hard year. Being a new parent is incredibly hard too! No one signed up for the worry that comes with a pandemic or to raise kids basically alone! Don’t judge yourself on that scale.
My circumstances are a little different but I hope they’ll give you comfort about staying in daycare if that’s what you want to do. I had a 9 month old when the pandemic started and now have a 2 year old. Our daycare closed and after two weeks we hired a nanny because watching our kiddo and working was impossible. We also have no family help. Daycare eventually reopened but its by our offices and DH and I are still WFH and we were settled with the nanny so we stayed with the nanny.
That said, even with delta and the numbers now ticking up our kiddo is starting a preschool program in the fall. The preschool was open last year through Covid other than an initial shutdown at the start of Covid with no cases transmitted in the school and only a couple of exposures. That information makes me comfortable sending our kiddo in the fall. If they managed to avoid cases when there were no vaccines I think they can probably do it when most people (even if not all and no little kids) are vaccinated. If I were in your shoes I’d push for the vaccine information about the staff, and if they can’t supply that, I’d ask for information about all the exposures over the past year and whether any cases were transmitted within the daycare.
Preschool will be use up our “risk budget” and we won’t do much (anything?) outside preschool. If I have to go back to the office I’ll be masking there even though its not required and DH will do the same.
AnonFTM says
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t really have advice but Just want you to know I feel the same way and am going through something similar. I’ll write more later but have to go feed my baby now.
EDAnon says
We also have no local family and it is tough. We have a deep enough friend network to cover emergencies (and fun tip: almost anyone will help you in a true emergency. It’s amazing!), but not like week long vacations without the kids. I am so tired right now after a week that went too fast.
My advice is to find people you feel safe seeing and hang with them even when you’re tired. It gives you some adult contact and connection. COVID has been crappy but even chatting with people about how crappy it is can be nice!
AnonFTM says
So just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. After a couple miscarriages and chemical pregnancies and two failed FETs, our third and last IVF worked in July. Because it took us to long to have a successful pregnancy, we were super cautious with covid and really isolated ourselves as we didn’t know what could happen if I got covid while pregnant. We’re on the east coast and both my parents and my inlaws live in the midwest and the west coast so they couldn’t visit until they and we were fully vaccinated, which was almost 6 weeks after my baby was born so we were on our own during that time. My husband also had the shortest paternity leave and so I was on my own 2 weeks after birth (though he tries to help as much as he can while working). We also thought we would send our baby to daycare but once covid happened we were unsure about what to do and it took us forever to get on waiting lists and check out daycares near us. And now with Delta surging, we are rethinking daycare and wondering if we just do a nanny in case daycares close down in the fall or something but that takes so much work to find a nanny. Although I love my baby so much and am so grateful he is finally here, I do think covid made things a lot tougher to have a baby. We have met up with fully vaccinated friends outside or in our home, which has made me feel somewhat normal post-pregnancy/post-height of the pandemic. So like the other poster suggested, I would also recommend try meeting up with fully vaccinated friends. I think also trying to change perspective on things was also helpful. Yes covid sucked and being isolated was not fun but at the same time, it probably helped to not be as social since I didn’t get sick at all and I think wearing a mask helped with not breathing in pollutants and stuff that could affect the baby in utero. But I hear you, it would be just nice to only have to worry about normal kid stuff and not have this extra worry because of the pandemic.
No desire for kid-free vacations says
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who has zero interest in taking a kid-free vacation! Zero shade to those who take them or are craving them – I just feel like I spent my 20s and 30s traveling solo or with my husband and I’ve waited my whole life to travel with kids! Even though it’s a different kind of vacation :) maybe it’s partly b/c my parents never took a solo trip without us so I didn’t grow up that way?
Anonymous says
I like both. I also traveled a lot in my 20s (I was 28 when my first was born), and I enjoy family trips a lot, but it scratches a different itch. It fun to see kids get excited about new things, and to have an excuse to do kid stuff that people would side eye if you were just frolicking as an adult. But I also enjoy just… being free to do what I want for a few days without worrying about what my kids are doing, whether they’re having fun, or about to do something wildly inappropriate/dangerous, or need to sleep or eat or whatever.
To each her own!
SC says
I want to take a kid-free vacation, but when it comes down to how to use our limited time and money, I want to have certain experiences with my kid more. When choosing between a kid-free trip to Hawaii or a trip to Disney World in 2022, we chose Disney World. Yeah, part of me would rather be in Hawaii, but Kiddo’s only going to be 7 once, you know? I’ve had similar feelings about going camping (in a deciduous forest!), taking him to see his first mountain, seeing him build sand castles at the beach with his dad, etc. DH and I never really got to spend a lot of time traveling just the two of us because we were working so much, and we were broke a lot of the time. We haven’t been on a trip just the 2 of us since our honeymoon 11 years ago. But I guess it’s not something we prioritize? It does help that we visit or travel with my parents once a year or so, and they always let us have some time away.
Anonymous says
Same here. Maybe I’d be interested in taking a vacation without our kid if we were rich and had tons of vacation time, but for us an adults-only trip would be instead of travel without kiddo, not in addition to it. If we are lucky we take one vacation a year. There are so many places I want to go and things I want to do with kiddo, and as it is I’m never going to get to do most of them. I don’t want to waste a vacation leaving her at home.
We never traveled at all when I was growing up, except for camping trips and road trips to visit my grandparents. I have literally never been on a plane with my own parents. So perhaps I am trying to make up for that by spoiling my own kid with travel experiences.
GCA says
You’re not alone! I haven’t taken a kid-free vacation with my husband either and my kids are 6 and 3. Pre-kids, we really enjoyed adventures of all sorts, from backpacking through China to hiking in New Zealand. (Those trips were not relaxing per se…but great fun.) I would love to travel a similar way (albeit at kid speed and appropriateness – we’re not going to try and do an Italian city a day or take a 14-hour bus ride across China!) as my kids get older and we are more able to afford it.
Anon says
How old are your kid(s)? I felt this way until my daughter was 2 and now I want one desperately, lol. The global pandemic is definitely also a factor in my feelings changing. That said, we have a nearly unlimited travel budget in terms of both money and time and in normal, non-Covid times we take 3-4 real vacations a year so having one of those be kid free feels like a decent balance. I 1000% agree that I want the majority of my travel to be with my kid and I really enjoy traveling with her even in the harder baby and toddler stages. It brings me so much joy to see her discovering the world and we have made so many great memories on family trips. I’m an only child and my parents never traveled without me, although that was solely my mom’s choice and my dad loudly complained about it especially as I got to be a br*tty teen.I had been to I think about 15 countries by the time I graduated high school and am very grateful for the travel experiences they gave me.
SC says
If I had 3-4 vacations a year, I’d definitely be taking one without my kid. I might even take another one without my kid or my husband. I dream of solo trips and girls’ weekends as much as trips with just my husband.
Anon says
Yeah, I enjoy traveling more than my husband does anyway and my kid is getting more fun to travel with so I think post-Covid we’ll strive for 1-2 family vacations (one winter, one summer if we do two), 1 kid free trip whether that’s me + husband or me solo or me + mom (I’m hoping to go sailing in the Caribbean with my mom in 2022) and 1 trip just me and kiddo or me and mom and kiddo. I think a balance of all different kinds of travel would be perfect, but if I had to choose only one it would definitely be nuclear family vacations.
So Anon says
I love traveling with my kids, but until very very recently, traveling with my kids was not a “vacation.” It was fun! A trip! A change of scenery and adventure! But not relaxing in the way of adult-only travel can be. For me, when I travel without my kids, the plane ride is time to read, sleep is restful, swimming is optional and relaxing and I eat when and where the mood strikes. With my kids, the mode of transport is all about keeping them entertained, sleep can be fraught, and swimming is about keeping kids alive and having food mapped out takes strategic, advance planning. (My oldest has Celiac’s so, we can’t just pop in to most places.) Also, after 16 months of always being together, I totally understand the need for space from kids. (Mine are at sleep away summer camp, and it is the BEST THING.)
Anon says
I’ve had trips with a kid that felt like real vacations but it definitely takes good planning and the stars aligning. We’ve had the best luck with beach vacations because it’s easy for adults to read or drink beverages while watching kids play on sand. City trips are fun but nowhere near as relaxing to me (although that is true w/o kids too).
I have high hopes for “big kid” travel. I traveled solo with my 3.5 year old last month and managed to sleep for most of the redeye flight home even though my kid was awake! I’m not sure what she was doing but she wasn’t making noise and I slept and it was pretty amazing. It was the first trip where she really felt more like a little buddy and less like a person I had to manage, and hopefully it will only get better.
Anonymous says
I am 98% with you. DH and I celebrated our 15th anniversary last fall and pre-Covid had planned that we’d go on a trip. We totally cancelled. We’ll likely do something this fall but for less time. We love traveling with kiddo, but it does feel like it would be nice to celebrate us and our marriage for more than an evening. I’m the poster above whose kiddo is nearly 6 and we haven’t gone away together, kid-free yet. I do suddenly find myself craving spending some time with DH exploring a new place on our own and having a few days with a fully grown up schedule.
Anonymous says
My husband is with you. He thinks everything, including travel, is more fun with our kid along and has vetoed taking any kind of trip without her. I love traveling with our kid but would like the occasional kid-free vacation too. I think it would be good for our marriage and it makes me sad that he won’t even consider it for a milestone anniversary or something like that.
Depends says
Sort of like the discussion above about childcare for overnight trips, I think this depends how many kids you have. We have four six and under and, um, grandparents are too old to watch them! I’m playing the age card!
For travel, yeah, I’d travel with just my six year old all day long. Maybe just my four year old. All four of them? Versus adult only? Id say a nice mix works well for us (we do sometimes travel with just the older ones, but it’s a balance and honestly takes more vacation time to make sure all getting time with us!)
Boston Legal Eagle says
For me, our couples’ trips are a nice way to get away from all of our routines, including childcare. It’s less about seeing new places and we’ve gone several times to places we’ve already been before. It’s a great way for us to reconnect without worrying about tending to our kids for a week. Our kids are still little too (5 and 2.5) so I imagine this need will lessen over time and we will travel to more places with them. But it’s also a nice bonding time for my parents and their only grandchildren. My parents didn’t travel without me when I was growing up but we lived about half a world away from other extended family for most of my childhood, so I think we all value that time with grandparents a little more now that it’s an option for them and my kids.
Anon says
I was in college then law school then big law then had my first at 28 and second at 30. Have been with my husband since I was 19. I took a few “big” vacations during the big-law pre-baby years but really couldn’t take more than a few weeks off a year. Now I’m more settled (mid-law job, more vacation time and more $$), I love taking girls’ or couples trips. I’m 32. My kids are under 4 and I don’t find traveling with them to be a “vacation.” It’s a “trip.” Maybe I would feel different if I had traveled extensively in my 20s. But for me right now is the best traveling decade. So I’m taking advantage of the still-capable grandparents. And my kids are too young to care if we’re gone for a day or a week. When they start caring, I’ll still make sure that we prioritize kid-free trips once or twice a year. Even if just for long weekends. The same way we prioritize regular date-nights. It’s important for our relationship and our mental-health. When my kids go off to college, I’ll still have to like and love my husband. It’s the way my husband and I were raised too. I don’t judge people who make different choices though.
anon says
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I had a winter baby and PPD/PPA with my first and it was super tough. Are you trying to decide between daycare and a nanny for your daughter? Or just pulling her out of daycare and then working and taking care of her? Under no circumstances would I recommend the latter! PPD plus no childcare is not a good recipe. I have done it and it was so horrible for my daughter and for me.
Based on my PPD experience, I would ask your partner for help getting you help! I would take a day off work but keep childcare and then work to get the below in place:
-prioritize sleep above all else. Are you breastfeeding? If so, I would add in a formula feeding for your partner to do and get some sleep. You can do that tonight! think how great that will be! If anxiety is keeping you up, you can get a rx for klonopin which is breastfeeding friendly.
-get a therapist trained in treating PPD/PPA (ask your OB or look for motherhood center-type places for recs)
-explore medication! (I was very anti-meds at one point but have come to view it as something that I would do as needed so my kids can have the mother they need as fast as possible. framing it this way was helpful for me, i.e. I am taking this pill for them and not for me was the push that I needed. sometimes talk therapy is enough but medication can help speed things along.)
-join a moms group (either online or offline)
-if you have the mental bandwidth, plan something fun for yourself. If that’s more work than you can handle right now, thats ok too.
Trust that there will be better days ahead and just hold onto that little ember of hope. Sending you all the hugs!
Anon says
Ugh I hate my job so much. I never loved it, but things have gotten soooo much worse during the pandemic. I’m now being micro-managed to a ridiculous degree and I have to work with a lot of really demanding, unreasonable people who don’t understand why I can’t just drop everything and immediately do something they irrationally decided was super urgent. Finding a new job would take years if I could do it at all and quitting is not an option for my family, but I’m out for two weeks of vacation starting in a little over an hour and, man, I really really really do not want to come back.
EDAnon says
Take the vacation! Maybe you will feel a bit better. And I actually have job alerts sent all the time. It helps me see what’s up and plan my next move. And sometimes, it helps me feel happy where I am because everything else sounds worse.