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AnonMom says
Morning ladies,
I know a lot of you juggle successful well paying careers and family. I have been practicing as an attorney for almost 2 years and have an infant. I work at a small firm with a laid-back work environment. No billable hours, some flexibility but cannot work from home yet. I find myself bored sometimes and crave for intellectual adrenaline. My pay is on the low end. I have never received a review or raise (lack of management input). I also do a lot of assignments that are not attorney work per se. Part of me wants a more challenging job but I also want to get home relaxed and be able to spend quality time with my baby. I think I have two options:
1. Try to take more responsibilities at work and hope to get a raise. I like the firm and the people I work with. The only downside is the fact I cannot work from home and low pay.
2. Look for another job-I am hesitant because my baby is my priority now. I know it is hard to find a good paying job with flexibility.
What would you do?
CLMom says
Option 3: ask for a raise. You are more valuable to the firm now than you were upon hire.
Pogo says
+1
Artemis says
Look for another job. Use the time you would be putting into taking on more at your current job to look. You don’t know what’s out there until you do. I won’t bore anyone with my career saga right now but in retrospect, I was in a similar position to you and should have looked for a new job long before I did. Everything is turning out fine, but it could have been better. Remember when you get a job offer, you have the power to say yes or stay. You can compare factors when you actually have the opportunity. A better job is probably out there for you, even if it takes awhile to find. Don’t waste your talents in a place that won’t give you raises or reviews. It’s not fair, it’s not good employer behavior, and it may very well hurt you in the long run. Good luck!
GCA says
I totally get prioritizing family. At the same time, a decent job with coworkers you like is a rare unicorn! In your shoes, I’d ask myself:
– Where do I want to be five years from now? Ten? Still here? Partner? In-house? Would you like to stay with the firm in the long term?
– What kind of work would challenge me more? In the current firm, where are my best opportunities to pick up that sort of work?
– In what ways could I help the firm develop its business?
2 years is a long time to go without a review or a raise. Can you go to your boss with a pitch? Make it easy for them. Say, I’d like a review. Here are the things I think I’m doing right and the things where I’m not totally there yet. Does this gel with your assessment of my performance and what steps can I take to improve? Here is where I’d like to be next year or in the long term. How can we do this in a way that benefits the firm?
GCA says
PS – if you are already aware that your pay is on the low end of the pay scale for your particular role at this company, ask for a raise!
Anonymous says
Stick with your job but ask for a raise. If you don’t get one, ask for another review and reconsideration in 6 months. For intellectual stimulation – try authoring a few articles or giving CLE presentations with your local bar association/legal community. Good for building your profile in the legal community in case you want to jump ship later on.
EB0220 says
Is salary or intellectual stimulation your main concern? Your current firms sounds pretty nice overall. It might be worth trying to shape your current job into something that works for you. Ask to take on more or different work. Request periodic performance checkpoints (quarterly is completely reasonable). Ask for a raise based on market rate/your performance/etc. If the firm is laid-back, they might take cues from you. Try to establish a solid track-record of occasional WFH when you have a delivery/appt/etc. I would try all that before trying to find a new job.
anon says
Make a case for a raise, and in the meantime look for another job – you don’t even have to apply if you don’t want to, but look. Looking is very low risk, and it will give you a better idea of what your options are. This job may be your best bet right now for work life balance, but that is hard to know if you have nothing concrete to compare it to.
I am now 2 years into a new job and not bored for the first time in way too long, and in hindsight I placed way too high a premium on my job not being too demanding. My current job is not boring but generally 9-5. That may be harder to achieve as a lawyer – I really have no idea – but I cannot tell you how much happier I am not being bored.
Maddie Ross says
Signing on to add that making a case for a raise at a small firm usually needs to be more than “I’ve been here two years, pay me more.” If I were you, I’d look the hard numbers. Your collections. What you add to the bottom line. Most small firms are going to care less about what “market rate” actually is.
Anonymous says
I have a job like yours except I can work from home. I have two kids, both preschool age. My spouse has an inflexible job. Every time I am frustrated in my current job I think about how I could improve the situation while remaining in my current job and if I can’t think of a way to do so, I remind myself of how much worse it could be. That keeps me happy enough. I also recognize things will never be perfect.
What we have is rare. In your shoes I’d think long and hard about why you want more from your job and what a new job would change for you and your life (both good and bad). I would ask for a raise based on what you bring to the table, not market rates, and/or look into ways to allow attorneys at your firm to work remotely.
Hawaii says
Wise ladies, I would love your thoughts. If you were traveling to Hawaii with small children, ages two and four, would you stay in a rental that is oceanfront with no pool, or a rental that has a pool but a bit farther from the ocean? That is currently our decision and it is proving a hard one to make. In the past my kids have really loved the pool because they can’t swim in the ocean necessarily but it also seems to be a bit of a shame to travel all the way to Hawaii from the East Coast and not take it advantage of the beautiful ocean view. What would you do and why?
mascot says
So we had this option at the beach and went with the house with the pool (which was still walkable to the beach). The kids we were with were a similar age so swimming in non-calm water was tricky plus someone always grumped about the sand. The kids really didn’t care about the beach view. I also liked that adults could go for a swim after the kids were in bed.
SC says
I’d probably choose the place with a pool. You can pack up and go to the ocean from any hotel, but you won’t have access to any pool if you choose the oceanfront place. In my recent experience with a 2 year old, the ocean can be a bit overwhelming for everyone, and the pool option is a nice one to have if everyone’s a little burned out.
Are there any other factors that could help you decide, such as proximity to other activities or a grocery store or to restaurants and shops, or square footage, layout, and number of bedrooms?
H says
Do your kids swim in a pool a lot at home? If so, I’d definitely go with the ocean view. You don’t indicate which island you’re going to, but there are tons of things to do in Hawaii besides swim in a pool. If you can do that at home, take advantage of the view.
mascot says
“but there are tons of things to do in Hawaii besides swim in a pool” See also, there are tons of things to do in Disney World besides swim in a pool, yet my 6 year begged for pool time every day while we were there. Gah, kids.
Lurker says
I went to Disney at 7. My only flight before age 18. It was December. My parents determined it was too cold and would not let me swim in the outdoor pool. The little girl in the room next to me was allowed to swim. I cried every day over it. My dad was furious. They saved so much to take me to Disney and all I cared about was the stupid hotel pool. In my head though, being a New England kid in a school where not a ton of kids got to travel, I was going to be the absolute coolest if I could come home bragging about swimming outside in December. I can still remember to this day how heartbroken I was to not be allowed to swim. Kids are funny.
And in the event my parents are reading – it wouldn’t have killed me! I would have been cold and got out satisfied!
OP says
Thanks for the comments so far! I posted this message on the main page as well and people seem evenly split between pool and ocean. :)
My kids have swim class once a week (for 30 minutes) but otherwise don’t get any pool time. They would love the pool I know. But of course it would be amazing to have that ocean view…… both homes are in good proximity to grocery store, restaurants, and have the same number of bedrooms. Ugh, first world problems here. :)
Keep the advice coming!
anon says
If they are old enough to like playing in the sand, which at 2 and 4 I think they would be, i vote for ocean front. My son could play in the sand and entertain himself for hours, even if he never set foot in the water, whereas pool time would involve more work for me. Also consider what kind of beach it is – is it a surfing beach with consistent big waves or a relatively calm area? (Not sure how much variety there is in Hawaii).
October says
+1 to this and to CPA Lady below. Definitely the ocean! It is Hawaii! If you want a pool, just check in to the Marriott in your town at home ;) It will be fun for them to play in the sand, watch the other people at the beach and walk along the water as the waves nip at your ankles. It’s your vacation, too — and you sound like you want the view. The kids will be fine either way.
SoCalAtty says
Agree with the beach! It depends on which beach, but if it is relatively calm with nice sand, I think that’s the way to go. If you are on Oahu and really want a “pool day,” they have a small water park.
CPA Lady says
Full disclosure: I totally want to move to the beach. Preferably in Hawaii. Dream the impossible dream, right?
But I would go with the beach view! You can go to a pool anytime no matter where you live. You only get to see the ocean when you go on vacation! My family went to the beach for Christmas (10/10, would recommend) and we stayed on the second row of houses from the beach. It was perfect for my kid’s limited attention span. We could easily go back and forth from the house to the beach, without having to make it a big trip.
I love Hawaii. So beautiful.
M says
This is more work/planning, but if you live anywhere near a beach now, could you do a day trip to a beach and see how much they like playing there or if they’re bothered by sand/etc? We were just in Maine and I was surprised by how much my 2.5 yo liked playing at the beach despite it being cold and windy outside. Based on that, I’d say beach, but I’m sure so much of it is kid-dependent. He’d have at a blast at the pool too, for that matter, so maybe adult preferences should decide this one??
Lurker says
Could you buy a small kiddie pool after you get to Hawaii and fill it with ocean water for them to splash in on the beach? Or maybe the house will have a hose.
Pogo says
When are you going to Hawaii? I went in late May and the ocean was very calm by Hawaii standards. Winter is where they get the big waves/it’s unswimmable. I would be too nervous to be on the beach in the winter probably.
My niece and nephew love the beach despite not actually doing much swimming. Filling buckets with water, digging, picking up shells… They were 2 and 5 last summer and could not get enough of the beach.
That said, they’re equally happy at a pool. So if you really want the ocean view, I’d go with the adults as the deciding vote.
Anonymama says
Completely beach. Swimming is the smallest part of it, mostly playing in sand + water can keeep kids occupied for hours, way more than a pool where you have to be involved every minute. And the water is so so nice in Hawaii. I don’t know why kids would be able to swim in a pool but not the ocean. If you or your kids are he type to be bothered by sand then maybe pool, but also why are you going to Hawaii?
Sensitive child says
I have a 4-year old daughter who seems very sensitive – she avoids any movies / stories that have anything sad in it – most fairy tales are out given that they are usually about orphaned children as are Disney films which usually start with the main character facing some kind of adversity (the first 15 minutes of Finding Nemo had her in tears!) Does anyone have advice on how to handle this? I’m worried that this could be a sign that she’s not emotionally resilient. What can I do to help her?
Anonymous says
Totally fine and normal. My 5 year old found Finding Dory way too scary and doesn’t like Frozen after she saw it in her Kindergarten class without the scary parts being skipped like we do at home. We don’t do a lot of screen time so I think for her, what she sees on the screen is super real. So I actually think it’s a sign of strong emotional skills because she is very empathetic. In my friend group, kids that seem to be least bothered by sad/scary parts in kids movies tend to be the ones that get the most screen time so I think they are a bit desensitized to it. Not sure that’s a good thing.
And because we are a low not a ‘no’ screen time family – when I need to put something on I use Dora, Daniel Tiger, Sesame Street, Doc McStuffins and Curious George. 4 year old appropriate and no scary parts.
avocado says
If her sensitivity is not interfering with her real life, I wouldn’t worry about it. I am a fully functional adult who can face down a room full of 500 hostile judges, and I won’t watch movies about the Holocaust, kids in danger, or dogs.
mascot says
+1. I also have a low tolerance for movies with ghosts. Slasher films don’t bother me at all, but unless it’s Casper or Scooby Doo, I will nope my way right out of a ghost based horror movie.
AwayEmily says
actual lol at this.
Pigpen's Mama says
Hah, I can deal with zombies and vampires, but demonic possession or ghosts and I’m cowering in the corner and sleeping with the lights on for a week.
Momata says
My 3.5yo is the same way. She cannot handle any fight scene (Mulan) and finds the Beast absolutely terrifying (Beauty and the Beast). Also a low screen time family. We stick to “buddy movies” – she loves The Good Dinosaur, Pete’s Dragon, and Happy Feet. For TV shows she likes Little Einsteins (god it’s awful), Daniel Tiger, and Thomas the Train.
EB0220 says
I think this is normal. I still hate fairy tales and Bambi.
CHJ says
I agree, totally normal and age-appropriate. My son and many of his friends are like this. He refuses to watch most movies because they are all “too scary.” In addition to PP’s recommendations, he also likes Octonauts and Clifford. The only movie he has ever managed to watch is Cars.
Also, one of my friends has a son with sensory issues and he really doesn’t like movies, and they check out the books of the stories from the library instead. So he knows the whole story of Frozen or Three Little Pigs, for example, but it’s a lot less scary without the music and dramatic sound effects.
Anon says
I have a super, super sensitive son, and all he could watch at that age was Octonauts. He’s now 5, and has been able to handle SO MUCH more. Somewhat ironically, I found that giving him a lot of empathy made him better not worse. He was never the kid for whom a “You’ll be fine!” would work. Acknowledging the sad or the suck always helped him get through things much quicker. He’s also super stubborn, so I guess it’s partly that he doesn’t like being talked out of feeling/thinking something? Anyway, we did better with “wow! are you okay?!” if he fell or hurt himself. He pops right back up and is like, yep! got this. Tell him he’s fine, and he will go out of his way to convince you the world is ending.
Also, forcing him to watch stuff he didn’t like would not have helped, and Halloween was pretty tricky at that age. Again, lots of empathy, and just sort of rolled with it. What has become helpful as he gets older is to pre-screen stuff, and then talk it through with him before and during. Example – we watched Moana, which has (spoiler alert!) a fire monster at the end. Before watching it, I explained what happened, then talked him through it the first time we saw it together. Now he’s all about it, and helped talk it through with his younger sister.
anon says
My 4 year old son found certain episodes of Dora the Explorer too scary. Unless her teachers are concerned, it’s fine.
anon says
PS – he did eventually make it through Finding Nemo but needed a lot of grown up coaching and breaks.
RR says
Totally normal. Both of my twins were the same way at that age. Every Disney movie left them in tears. Even at 9, my daughter still hated Moana on the big screen. But, she is otherwise very emotionally resilient. She’s amazing actually. She has this great attitude of thinking she’s awesome and who cares if someone else doesn’t agree. Those movies are kind of designed to elicit emotion.
RR says
One thing that I’ve found that helps is telling them how it is going to end. “I know it’s scary right now because Nemo lost his daddy, but Nemo is going to have an adventure and then he and his daddy are going to find each other again.”
Blueberry says
Agree this is normal. We had to turn off Finding Dory after the first few minutes with my 4-year-old too. I think he’s also on the sensitive side, but I don’t think it’s a problem. If you think about it, especially if the kid doesn’t get a lot of screen time and that screen time doesn’t involve scary stuff, this makes perfect sense. I’d probably be scared out of my mind if I empathized with a fish that was in danger of being eaten by a shark and I’d never seen such a thing before! We don’t watch many movies, but during flights we are always shushing my son because his reactions are so… vocal. He got scared during an episode of Bob the Builder for crying out loud, and he still wants to watch Star Wars!
AIMS says
I remember finding an episode of Saved by the Bell too scary when I was 10 (the haunted house …). I think I turned out okay, emotionally and otherwise ;) (and yes I also hated a lot of the “scarier” stories and still won’t watch Bambi).
SC says
My husband is a mostly well-functioning adult who does not like movies or most tv shows because he is very sensitive and empathetic toward the main characters. At his age, it doesn’t extend all the way to Disney movies, but he hates horror movies, situational comedy, dark themes, realistic violence, and anything remotely sad. Basically, he watches “light” action movies like Marvel Universe movies, stand-up comedy, and YouTube videos of people playing video games. He is a mature, empathetic, kind person. He has plenty of emotional resilience in real life–he just doesn’t enjoy entertainment that relies on his empathy. Your daughter will likely grow up and be less extreme than this, but even if she doesn’t, I wouldn’t worry.
HSAL says
I’m 36 and the first 5 minutes of Up (refused and still refuse to watch the rest) and the Disney Tarzan made me sob uncontrollably. Granted, I was pregnant for the Tarzan thing but I think it’s totally normal.
Pogo says
My mom took me to see Little Mermaid when I was probably 5 (my first movie in the theater! like a big girl!) and I started crying hysterically when Ursula came on the screen. We had to leave.
That said, I am pretty emotionally sensitive, but still. Disney movies are scary!!
E says
I had no screen time growing up, and have hardly watched any tv or movies since. I still find children’s cartoons scary. Wallace and Gromit, on a laptop screen in our living room, had me clawing into my husband’s arm and asking for a bathroom break so that I could relax a little. I am otherwise well adjusted, confident and assertive; I think my empathy reflex is just extremely sensitive.
Anonymama says
I wouldn’t worry, my 6 year old son still gets freaked out by movies, but deals with actual real life adversity remarkably well. And is mostly fine with fairly brutal nature videos, but can’t handle fictional tension. I try to remind him that it’s not real and the main character is always fine in the end. And I don’t push it too much, and try to be reassuring. Usually he runs out of the room during scary parts and then runs back in when it’s not so scary.
ADE says
Any recommendations for a toddler gummy vitamin?
anon says
Olly Kids Multi-Vit and Probiotic. My kid loves these. I’ve found them at Target/CVS/Amazon- they are a bit expensive so watch sales.
Anonymous says
+1. My kids love these. Sales (coupons for $3 off) are fairly regular, so I buy 2-3 at a time when they’re on sale.
CHL says
Should I care that all these gummies have sugar in them?
Anon says
We get give ours after dinner, shortly before bed ushing teeth, so I didn’t not have to worry about cavities. Otherwise, it’s a pretty small amount of sugar so I don’t worry about it.
Anon says
*brushing teeth*
anon says
I don’t but I do care that they don’t have iron generally – our pediatrician is big on iron supplements, partially because iron helps the body process lead. My son also prefers the regular chewables. So we’re all in with Flintstones.
Anonymous says
I give my kids gummies as incentive to get out the door in the morning (once you’re ready to go, you get your gummy then we get in the car). It helps them move quickly in the morning, it’s a shot of sugar to help them be happy at drop-off, and it’s supposed to be good for them.
18 month old sandal recs? says
Any recommendations for a durable sandal/shoe for an 18 month old with pretty chubby feet?
We live in an area with HOT summers so I’d like something breathable that she can wear to daycare, get wet, etc.
Currently she has some Pediped sandals but I don’t think they are the best brand for her shape of foot. Stride Rite? Is she too young for Crocs, Saltwater Sandals, or Natives?
Bonus points if she can’t remove them herself (i.e., please no Velcro!).
Momata says
Keens! Velcro but kids can’t get them off. They get stinky after a while (use lysol or a vinegar dunk followed by airing out in the sun) but they are very supportive and don’t chafe when wet. Also work great for fat feet.
M says
See Kai Run sandals were great for our chubby footed toddler last summer – similar to Keens, they stink after a while but you can also throw them in the washer
AwayEmily says
See Kai Run are definitely on the wide side — we have a couple of pairs (just got the Camila in yellow — adorable!) and they’re actually a little *too* wide for my 14-month-old’s normal-ish feet. If I were a slightly better parent I would return them and get a better-fitting pair but (1) I am lazy and (2) they are so, so cute.
msj says
I actually find pediped best for my son’s chubby feet (wide and high), but they are velcro
POSITA says
We had issues with Saltwater sandals rubbing my daughter’s cubby baby feet when she was about 2 yo. I would pass until he/she is older. She now loves her Saltwater sandals at 3.5 yo, now that she’s lost her pudge.
18 month old sandal recs? says
Thanks so far, keep it coming!
She may just have grown out of the Pedipeds (so soon?!?!), I’ll have to investigate further…
I think a large Zappos order is in my future.
msj says
I know. I just had to buy sandals and sneakers x 2. And then realized that I need to replace my own heels. So giant zappos/amazon order hitting the house tomorrow.
You can download the pediped or a more general zappos sizing chart online and measure your kids’ feet. Not as great as going to a store, but better than flying blind.
18 month old sandal recs? says
Thanks, I think I’ll do that!
Rainbow Hair says
My kid hates sandals (???) but she loves crocs. She gets her fashion sense from her dad :-P
Anonymous says
While crocs probably aren’t the “best” from a foot health standpoint, my kiddo lived in them last summer at 13-15 months and I expect will be doing the same this summer. We also got a lot of wear out of stride rite sandals last summer but they aren’t as easy to get on and off. At this age I definitely think closed toe sandals are best to avoid stubbed toes.
EB0220 says
My chubby-footed 2 year old loves her Go Plae sandals. Actually bought them for my oldest, but oldest has narrow feet and never wore them. Younger child LOVES LOVES them.
rakma says
Teva Tidepool! DD1 loved hers last year, we got the covered toe version this year (because they HAD to be purple, 3 year olds have opinions) and they’re just as great.
CHJ says
Do you guys have any recommendations for a simple backyard birthday party? My son is turning 4 next month and we’ll probably have 10 of his friends over, along with their parents. I was thinking something easy like a BBQ plus cake and ice cream and letting the kids run around outside. Any ideas for activities or outdoor toys that would go over well? I was thinking about a pinata or setting up a soccer net, or maybe setting up sprinklers or an inflatable pool. Any other ideas? I’m feeling pretty lazy and uninspired!
mascot says
Ice cream social with toppings bar is low key and kids love it. Do any of the local firestations do neighborhood visits with the trucks? Those water ballons where you can inflate a whole bunch at once are fun and then you can make a game of picking up all the pieces.
POSITA says
Amazon sells reasonably inexpensive bounce houses ($200-400). If you can find one used, can get an even better deal. We have one and now we pull it out for many occasions. The cost per use ends up a lot lower than renting a bounce house.
anon says
My neighbors bought a bounce house and that thing has practically paid for itself. They’re also generous enough to let others use it for their parties.
Anonymous says
Was just having a conversation with a friend this weekend about the fact that we should go in on a bounce house. As noted above, not super expensive and ENDLESS FUN. Plus you can lend it out to friends/family. And your kids will be the COOLEST KIDS ON THE BLOCK
Pogo says
Pinata and sprinkler are always crowd pleasers. Also just putting out every single outdoor toy you own and letting the kids do their thing.
Face painting – can buy kits online and have an older kid relative in charge of this (if they’re forced to be at the party anyway they might appreciate a “job” and making $10).
Bubble machine or giant bubble maker (can google online how to make, I think with a clothes hanger?) – even older kids seem to love this.
Pogo says
OK, apparently you can just buy a giant bubble wand! Probably easier than trying to Pinterest it.
http://www.hearthsong.com/bubble-thing-and-big-bubble-mix.htm?aff=10051&gclid=CISy1c-NndQCFYa4wAodYDQJqg
Anonymous says
“OK, apparently you can just buy a giant bubble wand! Probably easier than trying to Pinterest it.”
This is why I love, love, love this s1te in the broad spectrum of Moms’ s1tes.
Anonymous says
I would go with a few different activity centers – bubbles, soccer net and balls, water table, pinata, ride on toys on the deck. Have a ‘play time’ at the beginning. Then eat, then they can make their own ice cream sundays. I would be disinclined to do water activities beyond a water table because then that gets into swimsuits/changing areas/towels etc.
Anonymous says
This is what I am doing for my kiddo’s backyard birthday party in a couple weeks (age 2 but attendees will range from 2-4): purchased a used bouncy house off of a neighbourhood Facebook group for $100 (cheaper than renting.) It is the Little Tykes brand available at Walmart etc). Purchased a bubble machine off of amazon ($25 in Canada, probably cheaper in the states). We have already got use out of both of these purchases. I’m sure I could sell them for basically the same price after the party.
For food we are doing pulled pork in the slow cooker as the main food option, with small buns. We have a BBQ but with ~8 toddlers running around I worry that we will be panicked about someone touching the BBQ. I am also going to do some salads, fruit and veggie trays, cheese tray – likely all from Costco. Plus cupcakes.
H says
Get beach balls for the kiddos to play with and they can take them home as party favors. Pretty cheap on oriental trading.
mss says
Sidewalk chalk or set out paint supplies with paper and/or fun things to paint. (we hot glued popsicle sticks into snowflakes for a frozen-themed party one year)
Anonymous says
I’ve seen those giant bubble wands taped around a tree, so the kids just dip their bubble wands instead of dumping out all the bubble juice.
Anon Mom says
Anyone struggling with finding mom friends?
I had my child pretty early (26). Now, obviously, most of the people i went to school with are single, or just married.
While it is fun for my kid to be the one small person in a group interacting and getting pampered by a whole bunch of adults, i sometimes feel pretty isolated. The struggles of combining 2 full-time jobs and a baby are not something single or even married young people relate to.
The parents i know are all between 5 and 10 years older and do not relate to the struggles of being relatively junior (more deliverables/ less flexibility in coverage, more tech intensive role/ less work done via phones)
anon says
That’s hard. Knowing that you feel out of sync with your peers, I would recommend focusing less on finding “mom friends” in your exact situation and figure out which relationships make you feel whole. Which friends enjoy being around you and your kid? When you get moments alone, without your kid in tow, which friends do you gravitate toward? As you head into your late twenties and early thirties, it honestly becomes much harder to be at the same stage as your friends in every single way. For example, I have mom-friends who also work full-time, but their jobs are not the same as mine, their spouses’ situations aren’t necessarily like mine, and the list goes on and on. It’s a big adjustment from being in college or your early twenties, where everyone is basically on the same track.
The other thing I’d recommend is trying to befriend parents at your kid’s daycare, which is easier said than done, I realize. Even if your situation isn’t exactly like the other parents’, having that day-to-day connection in common can be really nice. They likely won’t become your closest friends, but there is solidarity in knowing your daily lives overlap and so do your kids’.
I think it’s just really hard, in general, to make new, close friends as an adult.
anon says
I guess my advice is to a) expect less and b) spend time with the people you and your kid enjoy. The stage in life is less important than the connection.
mascot says
This is all really good advice. Find the common ground in where you are with your kids and let that be the introduction into other things you have in common. Past age 30, those 5-10 year gaps in age between adults become a lot less noticeable, especially if the kids are all around the same age.
And, give it some time. Those early years can be pretty lonely even for the most outgoing, involved folks. Once we got closer to kindergarten, we made a lot more friends (thanks to talking to tons of parents at all-class birthday parties and organized sports).
Anonymous says
Compared to my teens/twenties, I find that now I don’t have one BFF because our lives have all taken such different directions. For example, one friend works very part-time – she’s great to relate to about mom issues but I don’t chat much career stuff. Another has a lean in law job and I chat with her about my work stuff in my lean out (ish) type job. I have yet another friend who relates to the challenges of an intercultural marriage. In high school/college we had a lot in common, and I find now friendships are more diverse and each focuses on different things.
Blueberry says
I feel you. I also had kids relatively young for my social cohort, but more than anything, I think it’s the 2 full time jobs thing rather than the age thing that makes it hard. I’m also just not that outgoing. I’ve resolved to try to set goals (which sounds kind of silly to say), like invite one potential new friend for a playdate or similar every quarter. We’ll see.
Anon Mom says
Love love love this idea. Thank you!!
Blueberry says
I have yet to do it, so thanks, that’s encouraging :)
Rainbow Hair says
Blueberry! I am doing something similar, in that I’ve challenged myself to go to a particular event ever week, and another one monthly.
It’s actually working out great, surprisingly! Like the women there are starting to say, “oh hi Rainbow Hair!” and maybe some will be my friends outside of that group? Maybe some day?
(The groups are: (1) a sort of Society of Beer Drinking Ladies, so we have something to talk about, and (2) a political-ish women’s group where we *do* things, so we generally have similar values and outlooks, and there’s an activity going on every time we interact.)
Blueberry says
Awesome! Regular meetings that don’t involve family are prob out for me for the time being given biglaw hours, but man, Society of Beer Drinking Ladies sounds like a society I would like to be a part of. I will try to keep repeating to myself, “1 – You always like to be invited to things. 2- You never think it is weird. 3 – Others feel the same.”
Frozen Peach says
I am in exactly this situation and I feel you too!!
The loneliness is actually painful sometimes. I’ve joined the Peanut app but haven’t had much luck yet.
I like the idea of goals to make plans once quarterly, or once a month. I’m an introvert and I try not to overschedule myself, but I also spent last weekend feeling blue that we had no friends to invite over to grill a hot dog. Lots of casual friends but nobody who’s really going deeper, at least not in town…
Rainbow Hair says
Do give your friends who don’t have the same things going on a chance to support you, too. Like my BFFs don’t have kids, but they listen to me when I talk about what is hard, why I am elated today, etc. They can’t provide advice about nitty gritty, but they are still my friends and support me through stuff… sort of the same way I do with their dating or whatever. I’ve never been on Tinder, but that doesn’t mean I won’t gush over a great Tinder date with my pals!
Anon Mom says
Thank you all for advice and suggestions. I’ll try to get over the age thing, and also just hang out with friends (if they don’t flake, i can assume they don’t mind doing stuff that allows kids)
shortperson says
any dollhouse recs for a three year old? looking for something wood, pretty big (a permanent fixture in a room, not one that folds up), not ugly, and requiring minimal or no assembly. my own dollhouse as a kid required shingling, we are not doing that.
the pottery barn kids dollhouses look decent but i’m not sure what else is out there. willing to spend a few hundred for something worthwhile.
thanks!
avocado says
If you are willing to spend $$$, Once Upon a Treehouse has the most gorgeous Waldorf-style dollhouses, furniture, and dolls. Plan Toys used to make a neat eco-dollhouse.
shortperson says
ooh you had me at waldorf. i will have to see when they get things back in stock. thanks everyone.
msj says
Nice roundup here if you’re trying to avoid the all pink: http://themomedit.com/2016/12/gender-neutral-dollhouses/
My kids have a hand-me down pink one they like so while I love many of these options, I don’t have experience with them
Sabba says
My kiddo really likes this kidcraft 4-sided one (link to follow). The shape is basic and open, so it allows her to get creative with the rooms. She can also play with 1 or 2 other girls around the house as she gets older. Having all the furniture is nice, and we have stretched that out by giving her 1 room at a time. I’m not sure it is the prettiest, but assembly wasn’t too bad. I’ve been very happy with the purchase, and my daughter loves it. At age 2, on the first day she got it, she played with it by herself for 3 hours straight. Before that, usually 5 to 10 minutes of independent play were her max.
Sabba says
Link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B001KF1M38/ref=mp_s_a_1_12?ie=UTF8&qid=1496342595&sr=8-12&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=kidkraft+dollhouse
AIMS says
Land of Nod has some pretty nice ones I think. I’ve been pretty happy with their stuff.
Frozen Peach says
Lundby dollhouses are gorgeous. Might be too nice for a three-year old, but I treasured mine as a kid.
shortperson says
never heard of these, thanks! i agree these look a little advanced for a three-year old, i’ll keep in mind for when she gets older. the lights look so fun. but those lundy people are super creepy.
AIMS says
What is one supposed to do when your 1.5 yr old starts saying no to everything? I understand reasoning with a slightly older kid but talking rationally to her only gets you so far. It’s like overnight everything is just no. No to pajamas, no to changing out of pajamas, no to holding my hand outside, no to the stroller, no, no, no, no….
Anonymous says
It helps to acknowledge that they are saying no and explain that we have to do it anyway. “Mommy understands you don’t want pyjamas on but you can’t wear your clothes to bed.” – while putting on her pyjamas.
E says
Don’t ask a question with a yes or no answer….ask a question with a choice in which either choice is acceptable. We are going to put on pajamas. Which pajamas do you want to wear? Also distractions, also accommmodating no when it’s possible, also lots of silly games in which we say “yes yes” (nodding our heads) and my daughter got to respond “no no” (shaking her head) — she loved the feeling of saying no and could do it for hours even when there was literally nothing that we were disagreeing about. I think it helped her get it out of her system a little. :)
AIMS says
Ha, I think this is part of it – she literally just walks around saying no, no, no to nothing in particular. I think I am struggling with how to deal because she will say no to choices, too. For example, yesterday’s “do you want to get in the stroller or hold my hand?” just resulted in, “no, no, no!” I guess I just have to try to stick with it.
Anon says
We once heard our then 1.5 year old saying “no no no” in the crib. Went in and he said proudly, “I’m saying no!” — to him, saying “no” was an activity all in itself.
E says
Yeah, we tried to avoid the power struggle as much as possible, but there were times when it just wasn’t possible…thankfully my daughter was still easily distracted at that age!
RR says
My daughter went through a phase where she would have what my 9 year old son dubbed “no fits.” She would just literally say no to everything for 10-15 minutes until she calmed down. I could have offered her a baby unicorn in a sea of ice cream, and she would have screamed no. My only advice is that they grow out of it. :)
Jeffiner says
Give her some time to process the request? It takes a toddler brain a while to process a question, and “no” is their knee-jerk response. I tell my 2 year old its time to go, and she of course says no. I then ignore her for ~30 seconds and do whatever I need to, and she will change her mind and walk to the front door to go out. She won’t say yes, but she’ll do it.
If I can’t ignore her, like holding hands in a parking lot, I tell her she can hold hands or be carried, and I immediately pick her up (sometimes kicking and screaming) if she won’t hold hands.
Anon in NYC says
For the most part I try to take a laissez-faire attitude towards these things – I want her to develop autonomy and agency, and part of that is her expressing her preferences and me respecting them. But sometimes you just gotta do what you need to do. If my daughter didn’t want to hold my hand and it was necessary, I carried her or put her in the stroller. If she didn’t want to go in the stroller, but it made my life infinitely easier if she was in there, I put her in there. For pajamas, I sing songs/distract her, but also if she was really not having it, she could sleep in her clothes. Of course, I try to do this all gently, but there have definitely been tears. Like this morning when I put her in a lighter jacket instead of her heavier fleece (she went limp and sobbed).
Happy anon says
My husband and I are planning to TTC next month, and my employer just sent out an email revising their maternity leave from 6 weeks to 14 weeks paid time off! You also are allowed an additional 10 weeks unpaid leave taken at your discretion within the first year. I am so thrilled as this will allow us to send a 6 month old to daycare rather than a 3 month old. The coolest thing is that this applies to fathers and adoptive parents as well.
Just wanted to share my joy (and total surprise) over our new policy!
Anon in NYC says
That’s awesome! Yay!
quail says
This is great news! Yay!!!
Pogo says
Just seeing this but my company did something similar recently! It makes me so so happy to see this happening more and more in bigger companies, and in male-dominated industries (which mine is). I agree that making it totally gender neutral is such a huge step, not just for dads but also for LGBT couples.
Anonymous says
yay! My company has recently instituted a similar policy. I’m pretty sure I am done done done, but man I wish I’d gotten to take advantage of it. I’m glad the new moms and dads have the option though!
Ugh says
I pay our nanny on the books, reasoning that even though she gets less cash in hand, she will get social security benefits when she is older. She asked me for some additional benefits today, in part because her post-tax wages feel low to her (I totally get this). I looked into social security benefits today and discovered that you need to have made a certain amount in “covered income” each year for 10 years to get the minimum number of credits required to even be eligible for social security. I think that means income that she’s declared and paid taxes on (so even if she were paid off the books, in cash, as long as she declared it on her tax return, it’s considered “covered income”). Can anyone confirm? Or is “covered income” only income that employers have also paid taxes on?
I ask because if her employers also had to pay on the books for her income to be “covered,” then she would have to have at least 10 years of on-the-books employment in order to have a chance at social security benefits. And if she hasn’t had employers who were willing to so that, that would make my argument of delayed benefits for her pretty empty.
ElisaR says
i’ll preface this with: I am not an expert or lawyer or anything of the sort. My understanding is that you have to pay in to Social Security for at least 10 years to receive SS benefits in the future. Not sure if that addresses your “covered income” question or not….. Also, you might want to repost your question in today’s comments because people may not see it here ….
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