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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
My husband and I did a weekend getaway and my daughter stayed with my in town in laws. They’re generally wonderful and very giving of their time, not remotely overbearing, and do fun And creative activities with our kids. However, my father in law has had off and on DUIs and is a recovering alcoholic and my MIL takes medication for depression and is severely overweight with a lot of difficulty around food I.e she completely gave up cooking or eating “healthy” with my FILs last DUI 18onths ago. Question is, of the meals my daughter had with them, she ate McDonald’s for 3 of them and donuts for 2 and a bagel for the last. No fruits or veggies and this is the worst it’s ever been. They’re not normally this bad, I’m wondering if I should say something or know that she had a great time and just let it go.
Anon says
I would let it go. That diet sounds terrible but it was only a weekend and I am assuming she does not go over every weekend. But everything you said in the second sentence makes it sound like she probably had a great fun time!
Separately, it sounds like you have more of an issue with the DUI and other issues moreso than the unhealthy eating. If you are worried that your daughter will ever be at risk because of your in laws’ prior alcoholism or current struggle with depression (I.e., will he drink and drive her around?), that’s a completely different issue and should not be conflated with the unhealthy eating.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t worry about the food, but I would never allow my child to stay with someone who’d had a DUI, regardless of “recovery” status.
Anon says
This.
My parents are great with my daughter but feed her garbage. We don’t care about it because it’s a short term situation. But the DUI would be a dealbreaker for me.
anon says
This. My parents aren’t great with healthy food (lots of processed stuff, much to my son’s delight) but the real reason they will not have my kid overnight any longer is their alcohol consumption. I have no idea how my dad doesn’t have a DUI as he did and does drive drunk frequently, and my mom is only slightly better. She doesn’t drive drunk, but she nearly dropped my infant son handing him back to me while watching him while we went out to dinner. In looking at the bottle we realized she’d had at least 3 stiff vodka drinks while we were gone for 90 minutes. That and their alcohol induced tempers = no overnights, period, end of story. They whine/guilt trip/beg but my kid’s safety comes before their desire to pretend they are perfect grandparents.
Anonymous says
Wow what? You got free child care for a weekend but wanna go ahead and make sure to tell us you hate your in laws and have issues with fat people?
No. Don’t say anything. Don’t have them do it again. Not hard. A weekend of junk food isn’t going to ruin your precious thin child.
Op says
Wow. Lol not in any my intent. Thank you for the other helpful responses.
Anonymous says
Well it felt really jarring and hurtful to read he has DUIs AND she is FAT omg panic when the question is actually “is it a big deal grandparents fed my kid McDonald’s and donut holes all weekend?”
anon says
Ya’ll, so much judgment here. I really wonder sometimes about some folks on here and how they have anyone who ever meets their standards! I know many people with DUIs. Let’s have a reality check on our own judgments around others’ lives. Dealing with alcoholics is really challenging. And many people have DUIs — you all probably just don’t know who around you has them. (I’ll note that there are many parents with DUIs, so this pearl-clutching “I WOULD NEVERRRRR” is so privileged and judgmental.) And, DUIs are not synonymous with alcoholism and vice versa. Really, check yourselves.
Spirograph says
I read that as context for why grandparents would feed the child that way, not as fat shaming… because it’s just not a diet that anyone *who had the means to provide healthier food* would usually choose for a child.
Agree with others that I’d let it go, but I might not leave my kid in their care for a weekend again for a while, at least until the child is old enough to recognize when she might need to call another adult for help. How old is your daughter? (Also, give her all the raisins and prunes today… McDonalds all weekend is not good for digestion!)
Anonymous says
Seriously? I know zero people who are obese or have DUIs. I wonder sometimes if these posts are made up. Who knows to s of people with DUIs? Maybe hang out with fewer criminals.
OP says
I can see why you read it that way and I’m sorry. However, I needed to mention the part about her depression, coping mechanisms with food (which she’s admitted and has been in therapy for before) and I’ve seen over the last 15 years how when she’s in a good place, she’s able to try to eat normally vs. struggling and eating like this and is always in-line when my FIL is struggling. So yes, my question is does the junk food matter but it’s also, am I missing something here that they aren’t in a good place even though they say they are? I think that context is important, because if a set of grandparents didn’t have the other challenges and it was just excessive junk food, it’s a bit simpler to just let it go. I should have clarified all this better in my original post.
Also, I don’t know why I feel the need to say this to a stranger on the internet, but I love my in-laws and think the world of them and know that addiction and mental illness are not as simple as people who haven’t been around it think it to be.
OP says
Thank you Spirograph. Lots of good stuff for me to discuss with my husband in your response. I agree with everything you said and she’s 4.5. They (and she) would likely be devastated if we said no overnights and I know she had a great time and she showed me all the fun and creative projects they said, places they went etc., but it might be the right call if we have doubt about if theyre in a good place. I do have a gut level anxiety when she’s with them that I don’t have with my own parents, but I don’t know if thats my mom craziness or something I should trust.
Anon4This says
Ummm…my husband got a DUI when he was in HS, and my brother also got one when he was underage. They weren’t drunk, but got pulled over for different reasons, and when the breathalyzer found booze in their system, they got the DUI because they were underage and had drank.
So I agree, let’s hold judgement and pearl clutching. Sometimes it feels like everyone on this board has “perfect” families, marriages, etc.
Anon says
She said he has DUIs and is a recovering alcoholic so no one was jumping to conclusions about him being an alcoholic.
I think a lot of the “pearl clutching” as you put it actually comes from people who have intimate experience with alcoholism. I have an alcoholic grandfather. He died before my daughter was born but if he hadn’t he would have known her but would never have had her overnight. A parent’s number one job is to protect their child, even if it comes at a cost to them. If that makes me “privileged” (whaaa?!? It’s privileged to leave your kid with grandparents for a vacation, the majority of people don’t get to do that) and judgmental then so be it. I’d rather have a safe kid than a weekend in Napa.
And no I don’t know the DUI status of every person I meet but I don’t leave my kid alone overnight with strangers. I’m 100% sure the people she stays with (my parents and best friend) have never had a DUI and are not alcoholics. This argument is such a weird red herring.
Anon says
Anon4This, he had a DUI 18 months ago (!!) and is presumably at least 50 if he has grandkids. This was not a teenage mistake. And he’s had multiple DUIs so not a case where he just got unlucky once.
My god. It does not make you a judgmental b!tech to not want to leave your child with someone who has ongoing alcohol problems and was arrested for DUI many times, most recently within the last two years.
Anonymous says
10:07, there is a difference between having compassion for people who are alcoholics or drive drunk and putting one’s children at risk. No one is saying not to visit the grandparents, just that it’s not an acceptable risk to leave the children alone with them. The fact that there are parents in the world who have DUIs and still have custody of their children does not make it acceptable for me to expose my own children to the risk of being a passenger with someone who has been drinking. It’s not privileged and judgmental to insist upon basic standards of safety. You admit yourself that dealing with alcoholics is challenging–why on earth would you add your children’s safety into that already fraught situation?
Anon says
You can have compassion and empathy for alcoholics without putting your child in danger. This is not a binary choice.
Anonymous says
@Anonymous at 10:12, the only people I know who have had DUI arrests are lawyers. I think this community is extremely touchy about DUIs because alcohol abuse and driving under the influence sadly become very normalized in their profession. I remember a main page discussion once where a lot of people were saying the same things about DUIs not being a big deal, everyone has had one or two blah blah blah. It was and is horrifying to me. It’s one of the worst crimes you can commit in my opinion, because it endangers the lives of others.
Anonymous says
+1. OP, you could have shared the DUI concern without the severe judgment and fat-shaming. This was really ugly to read.
Anonymous says
OP, I think you’re missing the big issues here. A weekend of McDonald’s is not going to hurt your kid. You know that the food indicates she’s in a bad spot, so no don’t say something that’s going to make her feel worse. If you think she’s not capable of ensuring your kid’s basic safety needs are met, that’s an issue (and again, eating McDonald’s is not a safety issue). Being in the care of an alcoholic? That’s risky.
Anon Lawyer says
What, nobody is addressing the anon at 10:12 who said they know ZERO obese people? Honey, 30% of the population is obese. You know obese people. You may be assuming people you like and view as good people aren’t obese even though they’re fat because you think of it as a character deficiency, but that’s something for YOU to work on.
Anonymous says
@Anon Lawyer oh yeah I guess I just assumed that was a troll but for sure ridiculous.
Anonymous says
Anon4This, the legal standards for a DUI are totally different if you’re under 21. It’s basically a zero tolerance standard (because people under 21 can’t legally consume alcohol) so if there is any alcohol in your blood you can get arrested for DUI. So a DUI under the age of 21 can essentially just be underage possession/consumption, which I think most people reasonably view as no big deal. A DUI past the age of 21 means you’re actually impaired and could hurt someone. COMPLETELY different things.
Anon says
@Anon Lawyer. That’s a national average and it varies a lot by state. Honestly when I lived in California, I didn’t really know anyone who was obese (if you exclude my Midwest family members) and I was in northern California – I imagine it’s an even easier statement if you lived in LA. Obesity is also much less prevalent in certain ethnic groups. I interpreted it as them saying no one in their family or close social circle was obese, and not a statement that they’ve never interacted with an obese person. The latter statement obviously cannot be true, regardless of where they live.
Anon Lawyer says
No, it’s still dumb. I lived in California for quite a while too. You don’t go through life there without ever meeting a woman who’s a size 16 or a guy who has a potbelly, come on. And certain ethnic groups? If you’re living someplace in California and only interacting with people belonging to a small subset of ethnic groups, that’s REALLY something you shou.d examine.
If you mean none of your close friends or family are obese, say that, but that’s a pretty silly rubric. Who cares? Like even you are like “except for my family in the Midwest” who are . . . still your family.
And obviously lumping in fat people with drunk drivers is offensive; I hope I don’t have to explain why.
Anonymous says
I read the concern over MIL’s cooking/eating habits as a red flag that she and FIL are not coping with his alcoholism and most recent DUI.
Anon says
Right, I never said I don’t know anyone obese because as you noted I have obese family members. I said that if she lives in a place like California with low rates of obesity and her family lives in the same place, it’s entirely possible that none of her family members or friends she sees regularly are obese. Re: race, if you’re Chinese American, it doesn’t mean you only know Chinese Americans but it means that all your family members and likely many of your friends are Chinese American, and since that ethnicity has lower rates of obesity than white people, it reduces the odds that you know obese people (this board defaults to assuming everyone is white, so I was just pointing out that not everyone is white and some ethnic groups have significantly lower obesity rates than whites). I also never said her comments weren’t offensive. You said it wasn’t true, and I was explaining how it could be true, at least by some definition of “know.”
Anon Lawyer says
Ok, a definition of “know” that doesn’t comport with any normal definition of the word “know.”
Anon says
Everything you said has no bearing to me except FIL’s DUI and MIL having trouble coping with that. I would not leave my kids with them for the DUI(s?!) alone, but MIL sounds like she has her own coping struggles with that.
Anonymous says
That is an excessive level of junk food even for grandparents but since it is one weekend I would let it go. The only time I think it makes sense to make food an issue with grandparents is if they are daily or regular caregivers or there are safety issues (allergy/diabetes).
OP says
Thank you, that makes sense and is what I needed to hear and is in line with the other responses.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 – make sure you’re loading up on the green smoothies and healthy eating. If there’s a next time, maybe pack a few things for her to have for meals.
I had a beloved uncle (who has since passed) who had a gnarly struggle with alcoholism, including some DUIs. Does this mean my niece should have never been in the care of him and my Aunt? C’mon, y’all. My cousin, now a father, also did some stupid stuff (luckily no one was ever injured) when younger and got DUIs. I get the concerns if they were driving the child somewhere, but the responses are highly judgmental and sheltered.
Anonymous says
No, actually at least some of these responses are coming from people who are not sheltered and have seen the risks firsthand. You don’t automatically take someone’s children away for a DUI because there are enormous consequences to separating a child from its own parents that may outweigh the risks of allowing the person to continue to parent. That doesn’t mean that other people should allow the drunk driver to care for their children.
Anon says
Right. I think a lot of the people saying DUIs are a dealbreaker have parents or siblings who are alcoholics. It’s the more sheltered people who are saying “pfft DUIs are no big deal, I know someone who got one as a teen.” DUI does not equate with alcoholism, and if you don’t know any alcoholics (lucky you!) I can see thinking it is another common youthful mistake like shoplifting. But OP described her FIL as an alcoholic who had a DUI a year and a half ago, and an alcoholic with multiple recent DUIs is totally different than someone who had too many beers in college and got pulled over once.
Anon says
Not alone, no. I don’t have a perfect family by any stretch of the imagination but not leaving a child alone overnight with an alcoholic who has had multiple DUIs most recently in the part couple of years is a pretty freaking low bar. This was not a youthful mistake like several people are suggesting.
I am not sheltered. I have initiate personal experience with alcoholism and it is for that reason I would never subject my child to this. You find a different caregiver or you don’t take the trip. It’s not that hard.
Anon says
*intimate. Autocorrect
NYCer says
I agree with this.
That being said, depending on your husband’s relationship with his parents, I don’t think it would be out of line to “remind” them to add a fruit or veggie at two out of three meals next time they babysit for a weekend (or every meal – whatever you prefer). I have a great relationship with my parents and would have zero issue making that request. Nor would they be offended. YMMV depending on family dynamics.
Anon says
Agreed. Another option would be to send a few freezer or pre-made meals to take the burden off them for planning and cooking.
Anon says
I don’t know that I’d say something but I might send food next time – like a prepared lasagna they can stick in the oven, dr praeger’s veggie littles, sandwich stuff, etc. General crowd pleasers that are nutritionally fine and easy to make but not health food. Like a thank you, let me make it easy to feed my kid type of thing. My mom’s idea of feeding my kid is a microwaveable plastic cup of mac and cheese, cookies, and other junk food. But, you know, it’s not a regular occurrence.
OP says
I’ve done this in the past, but didnt want to make it seem like I was micromanaging them. I’m glad that others are suggesting this though, so it doesnt seem too egregious now if I did this going forward.
Anonymous says
I’ll be a person who says I think it’s offensive to send food along with your kids. But honestly the food thing is neither here nor there. If I’m hearing you correctly, you say your actual concern is that your MIL uses food for a coping mechanism and eats badly when your FIL is drinking. She is currently eating badly and you wonder if that means your FIL is drinking again in ways you and your husband don’t recognize. Pull this question you’re asking out of the background and look at it really hard. Given what you know, is there a predictable pattern that comes into play when he starts drinking — something your MIL does, he does, your husband does, and you do? Are you seeing all four of you fall into that pattern again? If so, what do you and your husband need to do?
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t send food in your situation. It’s extremely passive aggressive. If you knew they were feeding your kid McDs because they can’t afford better food or they want to eat healthy but don’t have time to cook healthy meals, then maybe. But not because you don’t like the food choices they make. I say this as someone who recently went away for a week and left my parents several prepared meals. But we have a very different dynamic than what you described, and they know it’s not a judgment on their food choices, just a way to make life easier for them.
Anon says
I honestly don’t think that sending food is passive aggressive – it’s handling a chore that becomes boring for a lot of older people and kids are picky. It sounded like they don’t like to cook to begin with. Maybe my family dynamic is different. I usually cook dinner when we visit so that my parents aren’t waiting on me and they can enjoy the kids instead.
Anon says
Yes, as I said, in my case it’s not a loaded action and is really just taking a chore off their plate and it sounds like that is the situation in your family as well. But in this situation with them “giving up on eating healthy” (not just cooking) and OP understandably not liking their food choices (even if you don’t want to cook or eat super healthy, there are lots of options that are healthier than McDonalds and donuts), it reads very passive aggressive to me. It certainly depends on the family dynamics.
Anon says
If they’re getting that much takeout they surely don’t like cooking, right? I think it would be different if grandma was lovingly making them homemade food.
Anon says
You are micro managing them but that’s not necessarily wrong. I wouldn’t do it passive aggressively, I would be direct – we so appreciate you watching kid, we’d prefer she eats less fast food, can we send two meals to make thing easier on you? If they say no or are offended, then you deal with that as adults
Anon says
+1 I would also be direct about it, but I hate passive aggressiveness in general. With my parents, we are pretty clear that we would like them to offer at least one fruit and vegetable at dinner every day (she eats breakfast and lunch at daycare on weekdays, and we don’t worry about weekends) and then we give them ideas of things they can serve and make sure we have those things on hand before we leave.
No Face says
I am not concerned about too much junk food for a weekend. If you were concerned, you could bring some of your daughter’s favorite fruits and veggies next time you drop her off. (“These have been her favorite snacks lately!”) It sounds like a planning/energy issue for them.
I am much more concerned about whether they are doing okay generally. Pandemic + depression + alcoholism in one household is hard. Can you start seeing them more regularly to help with their general wellbeing?
Anonymous says
I don’t think you need to say anything to them about the junk food and honestly, this wouldn’t prevent me from letting them care for your daughter in the future. I’m sorry you’re getting flamed about the DUIs.
Anonymous says
She’s not getting flamed. She says herself that she has some misgivings about leaving her kid with the in-laws. We are validating those concerns.
anon says
I don’t think OP is getting flamed. Honestly, it’s usually the other commenters that bring in the extreme judgments. (IE claiming they don’t know anyone who is obese or has DUIs? What?! Where do you live?). OP should be concerned about in-laws drinking while caring for kids, totally reasonable. But some commenters make it sound like they’re claiming they’d never leave kids for any period of time with any couple where one of them has ever had a DUI. Maybe my view is warped because most of the men I know have/have had a drinking problem at some point, and lots of men with DUIs in the family. I still let their wives babysit. I’ll also note that in my experience, the people with $ for expensive lawyers have gotten off on “reckless driving” rather than getting DUIs, so yes, privilege does come in to play here. (I don’t do overnights with anyone for lots of reasons.) I’m sure I’ll get roasted for this comment.
Anonymous says
The issue isn’t what offense someone was convicted, or not convicted, of. It’s whether they get behind the wheel of a car after drinking. Which the FIL in this case has done, recently.
Anon says
I see your point about privilege being a factor in who gets convicted, but it’s the facts of the crime that matter to me, not whether or not there was a conviction. A person who got pulled over once in high school or college is completely different than a grandfather-age person with multiple recent incidents and ongoing addiction issues.
I will say I do know a couple people who got arrested for DUI (all affluent, educated white men, fwiw) and it was a life-changing event for all of them, and they either got sober or took steps to ensure they would never need to drive after drinking (which is honestly not hard in this era of Uber/Lyft available on your phone). Even if you have an addiction to alcohol, you can take steps to make sure you never get behind the wheel impaired. There are breathalyzer locks you can purchase for your steering wheel while sober, so you literally won’t able to make that bad choice when you’re drunk.
The fact that there are multiple recent DUIs is so concerning to me mostly because it’s indicative of a lack of judgment, especially when you’re in your 50s or 60s. Teens and early 20-somethings have the excuse that their brains aren’t fully developed but that doesn’t apply here, and I find it impossible to believe that this kind of lack of judgment wouldn’t spill over into other aspects of life.
Anon says
Literally no one said they wouldn’t leave their child with anyone who has ever had a DUI. They said they wouldn’t leave their child overnight with this man, who was described as an alcoholic who had multiple DUIs, the most recent of which was just a year and a half ago. You genuinely do not see the difference between this FIL and someone who got one DUI as a teen?
One thing I hate about this s1te is that an OP presents a fact pattern X, a bunch of people react to it and then other people jump on those people and say “you wouldn’t do Y!?!?! OMG YOU ARE SO MEAN AND JUDGMENTAL. MY BROTHER DID Y AND IS A GREAT PERSON” when Y is a totally different thing than X.
OP says
This ia ctually really helpful to consider because he has struggled with alcoholism his whole life in the affluent, overly successful way. These are repeated DUI’s spread many years apart when he goes through periods of recovery and relapse. We don’t ever leave the children with him alone, but my MIL is always there. He also doesn’t have a license so he cannot drive them. We probably need to reiterate to my MIL that we don’t want him taking the kids even walking distance alone without her present. She does not drink when the kids are there so there’s not that issue. I just don’t know if her depression along with his alcoholism impairs their collective decision making enough to where I need to keep my child away from overnights with them even though they are loving and she always seems to have a great time.
Anonymous says
I would definitely never leave my child with someone who has a relatively current – as in last 5 years DUI history. I can’t believe other people would.
Anon says
Right? Don’t we all screen for this in nanny hiring? No one is suggesting cutting off the grandparents and telling them they can never see their grandchild again. But unsupervised overnights requires a pretty enormous amount of trust in the caregivers, and I think wanting those people to not have recent DUIs is really a pretty low bar.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I am pretty shocked at the accusation that it’s judgmental not to let an alcoholic FIL who drives drunk and his apparently enabling wife watch a child. You can’t even pass a background check to chaperone a kids’ activity in a non-driving role with other adults present if you have a DUI. Why are the standards so much lower for family members?
Anonymous says
I’m absolutely horrified by all the comments casually defending people who drive drunk. Drunk driving kills 10,000 people every year in the US alone. Hundreds of them are kids who can’t possibly be culpable. It is not even close to a victimless crime.
We all do dumb, illegal stuff in our teens and 20s. Most people drink underage. Many smoke p0t or try other dr*gs. Some people steal stuff or deface property or cheat. None of those things are remotely equivalent to choosing to drive while impaired, which knowingly puts other people’s lives at risk.
I’m not a perfectly moral person by any means but if a family member or friend drove drunk, it would be hard for me to maintain a relationship with them knowing they were so cavalier about potentially killing people. There aren’t many crimes that are worse, in my mind, except murder and rape. And that’s not even factoring in how my kid might potentially be endangered.
Anonymous says
+ a million to this. I have a family member who was permanently disabled by a crash with a drunk driver, and she was lucky compared to the thousands who are killed every year.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
No one is casually defending drunk drivers. I agree with you that it is NOT okay. I think people are saying – let’s not flame someone who has a DUI in their past. Someone literally wrote “stop hanging out with criminals” which is reasonably triggering as most people know and/or are related to a loved one with addiction issues somewhere on the spectrum.
I agree there are nuances when it comes to childcare (e.g. trusting someone who got it in their more youthful days vs. someone who is regularly driving drunk as a pattern).
I do agree (and I think myself and others have said as much, perhaps it wasn’t clear?) that at the very least, OP should not allow FIL to drive with the child or care for the child with no one else present.
Anon says
No one was “flaming” drunk drivers. It was the people saying they wouldn’t entrust their child to an alcoholic with multiple arrests for driving drunk who were getting flamed! No one here said someone with a DUI is an evil, irredeemable person. I and a few others said the DUIs would be a dealbreaker for us (fwiw, I meant this fact pattern, with an ongoing addiction and recent, recurring DUIs, not an isolated DUI as a teen, but I can’t speak for others) and people (including you) called us judgmental, privileged, sheltered and told “many people have DUIs” and that everyone does stupid stuff in their youth. How is that not defending drunk driving???
Anon says
There was one “maybe hang out with fewer criminals” comment, which came after several people who said the DUI was a dealbreaker for them were called judgmental and privileged. And as the immediately family member of an alcoholic it didn’t bother me. Addiction and crime aren’t synonymous, which is a major part of this whole discussion that a lot of people seem to be missing. My addict family member never drove under the influence and I actually find it far more offensive to equate addiction (a disease) with crime (a choice) than to suggest that people who have DUIs are criminals (they are). I also felt being called sheltered and unempathetic to alcoholics by you and others when I said I had first hand knowledge of alcoholism was pretty triggering.
anon says
Anon at 1:26pm, I’m sorry if, as one of the commenters above, I was contributing to the triggering. Without going back through this all, I found the comments along the lines of “I would never let my kid stay with someone with a DUI” frustrating because — based on my read of it — it seemed like they were saying regardless of whether a responsible spouse/other grandparent was present, if there was a continuing alcohol problem, etc etc. I’ll admit I may have read that wrong. Even later someone said they’d have problems staying friends or seeing family members if they had a DUI. Often here it seems like people are ready to jump at relatives/husbands/etc and encourage others to have these like zero tolerance policies. I was trying to point out some nuance here. I know people who got a DUI and changed their lives around, and others who somehow never got a DUI but have made far more reckless decisions (and yeah, wouldn’t be allowed to babysit). You are right– you can be empathetic and have boundaries for you and your kids, hands down. I’m sorry if you felt personally judged by this or if I accidentally contributed to “flaming” here.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Yikes. Not what I meant all. I am sorry if anyone was triggered.
I was probably unclear. My perception is people here, while largely positive, are so quick to tell others their husbands are terrible, to stop talking to XYZ family member, etc. which quite frankly is very different from how I was raised and who I am, which likely contributed to my response. Again, apologies to anyone who was offended.
That being said, in my experience, there IS a lot of privilege on this board, myself included, and a lot of people who are well-meaning but ultimately sheltered/unaware of other situations, cultures, backgrounds, identities, etc. These last two lines aren’t germane to the discussion, but is part of MY perception and I’ll stick to those.
anon says
More Sleep, ditto. I agree with a lot of what you said, and also feel like there’s a trend on this board of jumping to “that person is BAD” mentality and that’s why I commented, too. I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels this way. Lessons learned that we all need to not jump either direction when someone is writing here for advice/help. Thanks.
Anon says
I hear you that people can be quick to jump to “divorce him” here at times, but no one said the FIL was a terrible person or that they should take the grandkids away from him. I really don’t think that “I wouldn’t want my kid spending overnights with an alcoholic with multiple recent DUIs” is that extreme of a reaction. There was really very little criticism of the FIL as a person or even of alcoholics or people with DUI arrests in general. The only real comment along those lines was the one about hanging out with too many criminals, which was a direct response to someone saying very dismissively that “many people have DUIs” which I think is both untrue and way too blase about the serious impacts of drunk driving. I don’t know anyone well who has had a DUI and the people I know OF who’ve had a DUI only had one. I think having more than one is both objectively rare and also indicative of extremely poor judgment, and wanting your kid’s overnight caregivers to share your values that a DUI is a big freaking deal does not make you judgmental or sheltered.
Anonymous says
“wanting your kid’s overnight caregivers to share your values that a DUI is a big freaking deal does not make you judgmental or sheltered”
It’s about not wanting to let them put your child’s LIFE at risk. That goes beyond abstract “values.”
SC says
My mother always ate, cooked, and served healthy meals and snacks at home. Once a year, I’d spend a week with her parents. Grandma smoked 4 packs of cigarettes a day (she’d say she put them down and didn’t smoke all of any of them). As a result of the smoking, perhaps, Grandma had no appetite and no taste for real food. On a normal day, she ate half a candy bar for breakfast, half a candy bar for lunch, and a peanut butter sandwich for dinner. She’d cook when I was there, but the meals were never very healthy, and she was a notoriously terrible cook. Grandpa was a quiet man. He showed love and excitement about my visit by buying every treat available at the grocery store, practically. The result was, I’d spend the week eating processed snacks–Little Debbie pecan spinwheels for breakfast, peanut butter sandwiches for lunch, cookies and candy throughout the day, dinner without vegetables, and fudge swirl ice cream for dessert. I also watched too much TV and stayed up too late. In some ways, I feel like occasional experiences like that helped me self-regulate.
Oh, and we wouldn’t want to let my dad’s mom off the hook. One Christmas, at her house, I kept eating candy from the M&M jar she kept out during the holidays. I ate so much that I threw up. My grandmother laid me out on the couch, and my (slightly) older cousins pretended to be doctors. I’ve never lived that down with my cousins :-) But since then, I’ve always been able to eat exactly how much I want to when candy is left sitting out. And I had the privilege of watching my younger cousin repeat my mistakes several years later. (We all warned him.)
I’d be more worried about the alcoholism and depression. Food is not the only manifestation of these issues when your daughter visits.
Anonymous says
I think the food is fine. If it becomes a concern over time and/or your kiddo will be there for a long time, pack her with some veggies- like drop her off with a couple of her “go to snacks” to have on hand in case they need to quickly feed her and don’t want to prep. I do the same with my kids because my dad will try to cook for them and what they need is to EAT NOW. We roll in with stuff like apple sauce and yogurt pouches, bars, sliced cucumbers and blue cheese.
Separately…I would think very long and hard about allowing a young child to stay with an adult with an ongoing (and recent!) DUI issue. A DUI means you got caught–not that you did it once. Are you absolutely positively certain MIL is in a position to be a safe guarding for your kid if FIL is actively drinking while she is there?
It’s so, so hard, and I understand how devastating it may be, but we do not allow our kids to spend time unsupervised with a close family member that is a recovering alcoholic who is also bipolar. The relative is stable and has been for a while. When relative is NOT stable, it gets bad in a way that none of our kids can handle (yet). Once they are perhaps 12 or so and able to recognize a problem and call for help we would consider it. in your case, MIL may or may not count as a supervising adult. In our case, the spouse of the relative with issues is unable to manage both relative and children at the same time, so we do not allow them to be the responsible party.
Anon says
I agree with all this. Keep in mind you can do harm to kids even if their physical safety isn’t an issue. I also had an alcoholic, bipolar relative and I still have traumatic memories from a couple of incidents (one in public with other adults present; one just me and him, but he was restrained in a hospital bed so not a threat to my physical safety). In hindsight, I probably should have been removed from those situations, but the responsible adults were understandably more focused on the alcoholic family member than on me.
Anonymous says
I would let the food go as long as it doesn’t present health issues. For example, a weekend with no fruits or veggies for my kid would mean pooping problems, so in the future I would send some snacks and sides for meals (but not expect them not to give McDonald’s).
As for the alcoholism, I think only you and your husband can decide what the right approach is. For us, drinking + lying about drinking meant the alcoholic grandparent in my life is never alone with our kids. We don’t trust her husband to exercise good judgment (take her keys, etc.), so having him around doesn’t change things.
Anon says
+1 I hesitated to say this because I don’t want to sound like I’m blaming MIL because it’s obviously not her fault her husband is an addict. But if he’s getting DUIs on the regular, it sounds like there’s a level of enablement or at least lack of supervision going on here that’s concerning, and I wouldn’t be comfortable with designating her the responsible adult either.
Anonymous says
100% you can have sympathy for the spouse of an alcoholic but you need to protect your child.
Anonymous says
Personally, I wouldn’t feel comfortable having my kids in the care of someone with past (and possibly recurring) alcoholism. The best way to think about it non-judgmentally is that alcoholism is a disease. My mother-in-law is going blind, so I don’t feel comfortable having her watch my kids. It’s the same thing. When someone has a disease that impairs their ability to be a loving and reliable caregiver, you have to do the hard thing and potentially aggravate family dynamics in order to keep your kid safe.
I dated an alcoholic before I met my husband, and in retrospect the relationship was emotionally abusive and damaging in ways that I couldn’t see at the time because of my feelings for the person. Please, please show caution here.
anon says
So on your specific question, I know that when I have to take care of the kids all weekend, any rationale thoughts of food might go out the window (especially if I’m also busy at work), so this might be a “I can’t rationally think about food” while babysitting issue. And, you know, McD serves apple slices, so maybe it’s not all bad?
Kids' winter sneakers? says
Does anyone have a recommendation for some all-weather/waterproof sneakers for a size 11, 6 year old girl? We used to get Keens a lot when she was really little, but I’m not thrilled with their options. It actually looks like OshKosh might have some cute ones. Other thoughts?
Anonymous says
Merrell, Jambu, North Face
Spirograph says
I’m not familiar with Jambu, but we’ve also had good luck with Merrell and North Face.
Anonymous says
Agree
Anonymous says
OP – found a nice-looking Merrell, thanks! Do they run true to size? Thanks!
Anonymous says
I have had terrible luck with the quality of Carters (Oshkosh) shoes; I would not trust them to be waterproof or durable.
+1 says
Agree – they always seem like a good deal and then either fall apart or my children refuse to wear them because they are so uncomfortable.
Anon says
If she’s okay with Velcro, Plae’s Charlie and Kaiden Waterproof models are awesome.
Anonymous says
See Kai Run atlas boot if you’re somewhere with seasonable chilly/cold weather. I need to get these for my 2yo as he’s constantly in wet Dewey grass in the morning.
Cb says
Talk to me about celebrating Christmas elsewhere. This is the first year it has mattered and kiddo has lots of questions about how it will work. We will be gone the 15th through the 30th, at my parents in Portugal. Fingers and toes crossed. Travelling light on Ryanair and present this year is too big to take along so does Santa come beforehand? On the 31st?
Anonymous says
For our family, Santa fills the stocking at the destination and drops off the bulky presents at home on Christmas Eve so they are there when we arrive home.
Anonymous says
This is genius, thank you! Probably not relevant for us this year but definitely remembering it for next!
TheElms says
This is what my folks did as we frequently were out of the country for Christmas when I was little. Santa also usually brought a smaller present or two to our destination (we are a too many gifts family).
Cb says
Oh that’s a really good idea! We could bring a lego set with us, but I’m not carting the scooter.
anon says
We’d give the big present for another occasion and do portable presents from Santa.
Anon says
+1 we celebrate Hanukkah so not quite the same thing but we’ve taken the presents (and menorah) with us.
Anonymous says
Pick a different present! Santa finds kids on Christmas wherever they are. It is his entire deal.
NYCer says
+1. This would be my recommendation too.
Anonymous says
The issue is when the kid’s Santa wish is something huge.
Cb says
Yeah, it’s a new scooter. We could bring a Lego set with us, but there will be plenty of toys at grandma and papa’s so didn’t want to cart loads with us.
NYCer says
That is fair! But in that case, I recommend at least bringing a few smaller gifts to the vacation destination and leaving the huge item at home. My kids (and their friends) definitely are under the impression that Santa can find you wherever you are.
Anonymous says
Then bring the lego set. Or don’t! But if celebrating Christmas in your family includes Santa, Santa needs to pay to check a bag and figure out how to have gifts on hand on Christmas
Walnut says
Obviously your scooter/baggage situation may vary, but I happen to know that I can fit two of them in checked baggage. Might be worth checking your situation as well.
PistachioLemon says
I have checked a folded up scooter (well worth it at the time!)
Anonanonanon says
But Santa knows that little kid can’t get scooter home because it’s big, so he thought ahead. Maybe Santa needs to leave a note explaining that there are more presents at home
Curious says
I like your Santa.
anon says
“Santa” always came to our house early/late because both sets of grandparents were out of town. I thought it was completely normal and reasonable as a kid.
Anonymous says
So, can you bring a picture of the big gift from Santa on your trip (in like a card or small box or something) so your child has something to open on Christmas? And then spin a tale that Santa is also subject to customs and thus Santa left the gift at the house?
Even better would be if a neighbor could get this gift to be in the house so you see it when you get back.
Anonymous says
Sometimes a parent has to run back into the house at the last minute before we leave for the airport to check on something.
SC says
I did this for the Easter Bunny last year. Honestly, it would be weird for me NOT to forget something in the house though.
Spirograph says
We’re planning to be away for Christmas this year, and my plan is to have our petsitter put the “Santa” gifts under the tree so they’ll be there when we get home. Santa knows we don’t have a bunch of luggage space to bring gifts back, so he only does stockings at vacation houses and leaves the bigger stuff back at home.
Pogo says
We’ve always had Santa find us where we are, but kiddo also didn’t super care. Now that he’s into peak Santa belief, idk how it would go with something large. We also drive so large stuff has not been an issue (grandparents can get a sled or bike and magically it shows up under tree). I would maybe say that Santa knew you couldn’t bring bike (or whatever) on the plane so left it at your house?
The topic of stockings reminds me of one time we were staying at friends/neighbors of my SIL for the holidays – they left their pets and SIL’s kids were petsitting, and we stayed at the house for a part of the time. Nephew was worried about the friends getting their presents, so we explained Santa would find them at grandparents house in Texas. However. The pets (the cat, dog, rabbit and ferret I believe) all had stockings still at the house and nephew was devastated when on Christmas they were not filled. Quickly had to ad lib about how the pets presents were also in Texas somehow??? I don’t even remember what I said. Kids are very committed to the Santa story and also to finding loopholes at the same time, lol.
Bean74 says
Santa drops off a few gifts at whichever grandparents’ home we’ll be waking up in on Christmas Day, with a note that says he’ll be making a special trip to Virginia on the first night we’re back home.
I love the idea of having gifts ready when we walk back into our home after extended family Christmas, but after a minimum ten-hour drive home I want to unload the car, eat dinner, and have everyone get to bed. With Christmas on two sides, and a kid’s birthday that falls between Christmas and New Year’s, we honestly don’t have room to bring anything else back.
anon says
We’re always with family for winter holidays, and in non-Covid times always traveling by plane, with limited luggage space. If grandparent gifts are small, they’re given to the kids while we travel. If they’re big, the kids get them when we come home. Thus far grandparents have always choose to also give a second smaller gift (a book, a set of stamps, etc) so the kids have something to open even when their “main” present is at home.
Anon says
Help! Toddler (2.5) started climbing out of his crib. So with little warning, we moved his crib rail in favor of the toddler bed rail. And last night ended with me sleeping on the floor next to him just so we’d get any sleep at all. My options I see are: lower mattress to floor and put crib rail back up, or leave toddler bed as is, purchase door locks so he’s “trapped” in his room (dressers and such are secure and room is baby proofed). Thoughts?
Anonymous says
I’d put the mattress on the floor, remove all bed frame parts, remove most toys, and let kid sleep wherever in his room. It will take a few days and then he’ll get it.
Anonymous says
We did mattress to floor. DH added plywood from bottom of crib to floor to ensure no gaps, and we put the crib spring on the door under the mattress to allow for more airflow. Worked until they were 4 and ready to earn big kid beds.
Anon says
If you can, I would do either mattress on floor or lock the door. We had to lock the door (crib mattress couldn’t be lowered the entire way to the floor). I also didn’t like the idea of putting the mattress directly on the floor outside of the bed frame because I did want her to actually sleep on the mattress on the bed frame eventually. The toddler bed rail didn’t go the entire length of the bed, so she could get in and out herself. We had two nights where she cried for a bit and slept on the floor. Since then, she hasn’t even crawled out of the bed when she is ready to get up.
anon says
babygate at door is another option if you don’t want to lock them in the room. Older sibling can take it down if he wants to so it feels safer to me.
Pogo says
This is what our sleep consultant recommended – we got an “extra tall” one so they can’t just climb over it. and you basically have to sleep train.
Initially, I did a modified fading/chair method (I read a book sitting outside his room, walking him back to toddler bed very emotion-lessly for about a week). Later when he regressed in big boy room and arrival of baby bro, we called in the big guns and with the baby gate per sleep consultant we did toddler Ferber. (let him yell/cry at the gate for 5min, then go to gate and say “I love you, see you in the morning, time for night night”). Repeat at the same intervals as for baby Ferber and be super boring, calm.
If I had to do it again I’d do gate + toddler Ferber from the start – it’s easier and more effective. Also invest in an ok to wake, you can reference that as well for any night waking (is your light green? no? time for night night!)
Anonymous says
We just did this. My toddler really wanted to be on the floor (that was the motivation for climbing out) so we got rid of the crib and put the mattress on the floor while we shop for a twin bed (older child went directly from crib to twin bed because we had one lying around). Even with mattress in the floor, child sleeps… on the floor (not on mattress). We started out about 3 weeks ago just sitting with him 5-20 min till he fell asleep, and by now he keys is leave after 5-10 min even if not asleep. I really wasn’t comfortable locking him in the room. We definitely have more wake ups than before. But have also had two illnesses in that 3 weeks, so who knows what the root cause is.
dresser says
DD is moving to a very small bedroom this week, and I’m looking to minimize the floor print of furniture. Her crib is going to take up a lot of room, and I have hanging bookshelves to be mounted on the wall. The plan was to skip the dresser and just use the closet for storage, but that leaves us without a great place to put the Hatch and the humidifier. I would do a standalone high-up shelf on the wall, but the cord situation is less than ideal in that case. Any suggestions for very shallow dressers that might work? Or am I better off just having multiple wire covers running up the wall? Or is there another solution here?
Anonymous says
How about a night table?
Anonymous says
+1 do a night stand but anchor it to the wall since they’re so lightweight.
anon says
You could get one of the in-the-wall-wire-hiding-systems meant for flat screen TVs to get the plugs up to the shelf.
Anon says
so i think you could get away with a standalone high-up shelf and wrap the cords/fix them to the wall. i also got a corner bookshelf for my twins’ room that has a pretty small footprint and the cords kind of go up the side of the bookshelf. i think i got it at target
Cb says
We had to run the cording from our solar panels down to the fuse box and the people used a plastic tube thing (about an inch across, .75 inch deep) to encase the cords (runs from the attic, down the stairwell, into the hall), something like that might work. And then you could just put things on a floating shelf.
TheElms says
What about a very small bookcase. This one at Ikea is less than 10 inches deep. https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/smagoera-shelf-unit-white-60465529/
anon says
A corner bookshelf is a good idea. Depending on how tiny a footprint you need, maybe think about one of the 2×2 (or taller) IKEA Kallax. That would give you the bonus of both a surface to put the Hatch on, but also the ability to put in bins for either her clothes or toys you want her to eventually be able to access herself (stuffed animals, blocks, etc). I find there’s merit in thinking about what will work in the kids’ rooms in the long-run , not just for the next few months.
Anon says
parenting while sick is the worst. fortunately it is just a really bad cold, but i do not have time for this!
Anonymous says
It truly is. I hope you feel better soon!
ANON says
Took two pregnancy tests this weekend and both were (very faintly) positive. Not officially late until tomorrow so could turn out to be a chemical pregnancy but its SO HARD to concentrate on work. I’m a textbook overshar-er and want to tell everyone, so this anonymous board will have to do!
Anon says
That’s great! Crossing fingers for you!
Tea/Coffee says
Yay! Congratulations :-)
Anonymous says
Congrats! My sons tests were super faint in the beginning (a positive is a positive!) so my DH didn’t believe me at first haha. He’s now 27 months. FWIW boys have lower HCG than girls at first. My daughter was a bright positive at 6 days before my missed period!
Anon says
I remember there was a suggestion for kids’ boots that would work for both rain and snow but I can’t find it – can someone remind me? Thanks!
Anon says
I didn’t see that comment, but I bet Bogs would work, as would the D icks Sporting Goods equivalent. My kids basically wear those for all “weather” from November-April
GCA says
Bogs? Usually good for both.
AnonATL says
We got the lands end insulated rain boots that fit this bill.
AwayEmily says
We’ve gotten both Bogs and the Lands End ones before. The Bogs are warmer, the Lands End ones are lighter (and cheaper), so I’d choose based on how cold/snowy it gets where you are.
Anon says
We have bogs and they’re fine but not the best for summer. I couldn’t come up with a better solution, though.
Anonymous says
Kamik Snobuster has a removable lining. My kids have stayed fairly warm in snow, and can take out the lining for warmer weather.
Cb says
Audible has a Thomas and Friends podcast and my kid has been obsessed with it. He’s having his afternoon quiet time, and he’s been lying on his bed for an hour, just listening.
EDAnon says
Aww
Pogo says
Thanks to everyone who responded about my second office! Yes, I got a promotion back in May. Great point made about not wanting to put anything too special in there in case I never get back to clean it out; I think I’m going to go w/ generic prints on the walls and some photos of kids – good idea to just ship stuff there! I also found a HomeGoods close to my office so I can maybe just grab some stuff there.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Hooray! This week is DH’s last week of work – he will take the rest of his family leave starting 11/1 through year-end!
We’re thinking that he and DS #1 (will be 4) may fly to go see DH’s grandparents for a long weekend as we are not going to see them over the holidays. Recommendations for KN-95s for toddlers/pre-schoolers?
Anon says
I bought my 3.5 year old daughter a Vida KN95 before a plane trip this summer and it worked well. We had to tie the ear straps to make them short enough, but once we tied it it was fine. Happy Masks are also supposed to be KN95-level filtration but they didn’t work for my daughter (she has weirdly bendy ears so she can’t wear anything with ear adjusters since the little bead pushes her ear forward and the strap falls off). I find the Vida KN95s more comfortable than the Happy Masks also.
anon says
Bluna FaceFit are our favorites for 3/4yos, since the ear loops adjust.
Anon says
our family wore matching Happy Masks for a plane trip this summerl
AnonIVF says
TW – miscarriage.
Me, again, from about two weeks ago. This pregnancy is failing but not failed yet. It was IVF and we’re tracking my abysmal HCG, and my first ultrasound is Thursday. The results are all but inevitable. Question: did you tell your employer – either immediate boss or someone else – when you miscarried because you needed space/time away? I’m in a very fast paced job, transactional finance. Lots of men, relatively few boundaries. This particular cycle has been brutal – I’ve known our outcome now for almost three weeks despite my still being technically pregnant (the meds I’m on are delaying the inevitable but doc won’t pull me off of them until the ultrasound confirms there’s nothing there). It’s hard to truly get time off/away and get people to cover for you without really good reason (honeymoon, birth, death, basically). Don’t get me wrong — love this work, I get paid a lot and this is a trade off — but under these circumstances, I’m flailing. I’m not an over-sharer at the office but I waiver on what to do here once we do get the final-final results. Any wisdom on how to handle the next week or two in light of expected outcomes? Thanks, all.
Anonymous says
I had the same, also transactional finance. I think I took 1.5 days off, and 10 years later still regret not taking more (and also should have made myself completely unavailable those couple days). I told my boss it was a health emergency and I had to leave. I’m not sure I have a solution for you—I might have told my boss if I did things differently, but still not my coworkers. But, I’m sorry for your loss and with you the best during this difficult time.
Anon says
I’m so sorry.
I have not been in your shoes, so this is speculation. I would absolutely share the news with a select few (understanding that you can’t control who else they tell). When we did our embryo transfers for our daughter (first transfer didn’t take, second one was successful), I told my manager prior to the transfers and also told her when I was ~ 8 weeks pregnant. I knew I’d need her support and cover if I miscarried, so I was fine sharing the pregnancy news early, and it was nice having her support when the first transfer didn’t take.
I also err on the side of “make family obligations normal”. I will tell people “I can’t do a call in 5 minutes because I’m nursing my daughter, but I’m free in 20 minutes”. To me, “I’m feeding the baby” sounds interruptible in a way that “I’m nursing” doesn’t (which is NOT meant to throw any shade on people who bottle feed, AT ALL – it’s meant to throw shade on the fact that people seem to think feeding your child isn’t something that requires full attention unless you have a b**b out, which is f’ing ridiculous). But, at 41 and fairly senior (attorney, 2 steps down from GC of a F500), I feel like I need to do my part to normalize being a bad*ss employee and a bad*ss mama at the same time.
In your shoes, I would say something. And I’m sending you all of my healing energy for these next few weeks and wherever your next steps take you.
name says
Hi, first off, I am so sorry you’re going through a miscarriage/failed pregnancy. Secondly, when I had my MC, I didn’t tell my manager why I was taking time off, I just said I had a medical issue and my doctor wrote me a note for X days off (in my case, Tues – Fri). I had a small office, so when I came back I felt I had to mention that I was out on medical leave, and that it was urgent, but no one had to be concerned.
Have you talked to your doctor about a note so you don’t have to mention it to your manager? In my case, I had some sick leave, but not enough, so it pushed to FMLA for one day unpaid (eye roll); short term disability didn’t kick in until after 7 days, so it wasn’t applicable to me.
Anonymous says
First of all, I’m very sorry.
I haven’t gone through this personally, but speaking from the standpoint of a colleague: one of my direct reports is there right now. My company actually has a policy guaranteeing a minimum of 2 weeks of leave for pregnancy loss. Her situation is similar in that it was clear the pregnancy was in trouble several weeks before the actual miscarriage, so she went on medical leave sooner. She didn’t need to tell me the reason, but I’m glad she did. It helps me as a supervisor to understand what is going on so I can manage compassionately and constructively. Few people in my dept know the exact reason my employee is out beyond “medical leave” and you can absolutely ask your supervisor, or HR, or whoever really needs to know, to be discreet. If you’re comfortable sharing, I think you’ll find everyone is supportive. You’d have to be heartless to hold a miscarriage against someone.
Anon says
your company is awesome for having a policy for that. all companies should have a pregnancy loss policy for at least a week.
my sister had a pregnancy loss this summer where she also had to keep carrying what was 99.9999% known to be an unviable pregnancy. it sounds like torture. in her case, they heard a heartbeat, but the doctor knew it would not be viable.
Anonymous says
This is exactly the situation my employee was in at 20 weeks. My heart breaks for her, and I am glad the company policy made it easy for her to take time away. Employees are humans, and sometimes processing human emotions is incompatible with grinding through office work, to say nothing of the physical toll.
Anonymous says
I’m so sorry. It’s so rough.
I would tell the one person you need to tell. It brings them onto your team, so to speak, and they’ll help you get the cover you need to take a few days.
On the male-dominated environment–DH works in finance, and he took our second miscarriage really hard. I know he’d be supportive of anyone coming to him in a similar situation. In any case, I hope the response you get is a compassionate one.
Anon says
I am so sorry, all the hugs. BigLaw M&A here, then a senior associate, also no boundaries. And yes, I told three of the key partners I was working with (2 women and 1 man), because (I was 9w, it was completely unexpected, not that expecting it makes it any easier I imagine) in addition to needing the mental space I needed the physical time for recovery too. I took 3 full days off work and two more half-days. I’m not sure who else they told, and I suspect they told some folks I was just out for a medical issue. Take the time you need. At the end of the day, your health comes first.
anon says
+1. I had a friend who didn’t feel like she could tell someone she was working with, and she ended up quitting over it – find someone that you trust to share with, and they’ll take care of it. (And anecdotally, if they don’t, that’s not a good place to work…)
Anonymous says
+1. It is your manager’s job to have your back, in a discreet and appropriate manner.
TheElms says
Low stakes question. Are folks with unvaccinated children going to movie theaters? There are starting to be some movies that aren’t available streaming that I would like to see. I’m in an area with a mask mandate and good mask compliance and community transmission is trending down. Obviously people take their masks off to eat and drink in a movie theater, but I’m happy to go and leave mine on the whole time. While I’m generally pretty Covid cautious I’m realizing that with a baby on the way I’m likely to have an unvaxed child in the house until fall 2022 (assuming a vaccine is approved for babies 6 months plus sometime between now and fall 2022). I’m wondering how long I should continue my life in this state of “partly suspended life” but also I feel like after so long of doing this I’m really terrible at evaluating risk and just default to not doing things because its mentally so much easier.
Anon Lawyer says
I would without the kid. The vaccines still protect against transmission even if they don’t eliminate the risk. I’d probably try to choose less busy times/locations. That said, I have zero chances to see a movie so it hasn’t come up, sigh, so I will be watching Dune on my stupid TV at home.
Anon says
This is not really true. A vaccinated person is less likely to get infected, but an infected vaccinated person has the same viral load as an unvaccinated infected person and appears to spread it just as easily.
Anon Lawyer says
I was talking about the first part of it – if you’re in a movie theater where masks are required and are not jam packed with other people, I’m not sure transmission is super likely if you’re vaccinated. Especially in a highly vaxxed area. Obviously it’s everyone’s individual choice though. But I am still comfortable doing more indoor activities without my kid than with her.
Anonymous says
I don’t think this is totally correct. Aren’t there studies showing smaller viral load that clears faster? Transmission is reduced for vaccinated folks, esp moderna.
LittleMeg says
Nope. But I also don’t really care about seeing movies early or in theaters. So this equals a risk I don’t need to take. I think that’s what it comes down to for you…do you get enough reward from the activity for it to be worth the risk?
Anon says
+1 we weigh risk versus reward as well. We did some plane travel this summer and fall because the memories with grandparents were worth it to us, but we avoid a lot of routine things like movie theaters because we just don’t care about them that much.
Mathy says
I’m vaccinated and just got a booster shot last week. I’d go during a slow-ish time and enjoy it, including the huge bucket of popcorn and big cup of Diet Coke because I am really freaking missing that right now.
Anon says
Are you boosted? We were super cautious before we got our boosters, but they reduce the risk of infection by something like a factor of 10-20 according to Israeli data, so we’re comfortable doing a bit more now and a movie theater is less risky than indoor dining because you don’t have to take off your own mask. Movies aren’t my personal priority, but I have tickets to several Broadway shows (with mask and possibly vaccine requirements) before my 4 year old will be vaccine eligible.
Anonymous says
I am vaccinated and won’t even go to a movie theater myself, much less take an unvaccinated kid. Several members of my extended family have had breakthrough infections, despite masking in public. A movie just isn’t worth it to me. Especially since even pre-pandemic, the moviegoing experience had really deteriorated. All of our local theaters had really gotten lax on cleaning and maintenance and were always filthy and smelly, and so many movies these days are just boring, exhausting special effects bonanzas.
Anonymous says
I have zero desire to go to the movie theater ever again. COVID or no COVID.
Anon says
Really? Streaming is good for some things, but I would have loved to have seen the new James Bond on the big screen. We have a theater near us that has the seats that fully recline and lay flat and the movie-going experience is really nice. And I like movie theater popcorn :)
Spirograph says
DH and I went to a movie theater a couple weeks ago. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m less risk averse than many here. I live in an area with very high vax rates, an indoor mask mandate with pretty good compliance, and lower community spread than most of the country and trending down. I wasn’t paying super close attention, but it seemed like most people (including us) had masks on except when they were putting a handful of popcorn in their mouth or taking a sip of their drink.
In your situation, I miiiiight be more cautious just because pregnancy is correlated with worse cases of covid, but especially post-booster, I’d probably just buy myself an N-95 and go for it.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1. DH and I went in the pre-Delta glory period. I also have different risk calibrations than most on this board.
anon says
I’m in an area with really good compliance, and I’ve been letting my nanny take the kids to the theater – so few people are going that I’m not so worried about transmission. She’s been able to reserve seats ahead of them and check capacity that way.
Anon says
We are not. We have one unvaccinated child (12 months) and we aren’t doing anything indoors that isn’t “necessary” (my husband going to work, flying for required work travel, doctor’s appointments, etc). No indoor dining except on work travel and masked unless actively eating or drinking. No unnecessary shopping. No kids activities (indoor or outdoor). Our pediatrician was in favor of this level of caution.
Anonymous says
We aren’t doing anything indoors unless masks are required for all, which they’re not for movie theaters here, so no. I think I’m in the minority here, but we try to minimize our own activities more than our child’s. I can deal with being very locked down for another year or more; I’m far more worried about how this pandemic is impacting our preschooler socially and emotionally, so we use all our risk capital on taking our kid to more crowded outdoor events or indoor events where masks are theoretically required (compliance is iffy in our area) to give her some semblance of normalcy. Later this week I’m taking the day off work and taking her to an art museum w/ masks required in a nearby city, and to her favorite restaurant on the patio. She (and I) can’t wait, and to me that has a thousand times more return on investment than going to a movie with just my DH, but my kid is quite a bit older than yours.
Anon says
Yes, but I wouldn’t go opening weekend or at a time when I’d expect it to be packed. I took my two young kids to the Paw Patrol movie, after it had been out a month, for my younger one’s birthday. It was the first time either of them had been to a theater, and I doubt we’ll make a habit of it but I had zero health concerns (and we are fairly cautious, in NY). There was barely anyone else in the theater (way more than 6 feet apart)
Anon says
thank you for including the information that you are “in an area with a mask mandate and good mask compliance and community transmission is trending down”. i find it frustrating when people post Covid questions with no context about geography. Doing an activity in New York is completely different than doing that same activity in Tennessee. that being said, i dont like the movies that much, so that thought hasn’t crossed my mind. i also do not live in an area with a mask mandate or an area that requires showing proof of vaccination to do anything and i might feel differently if i did
Anonymous says
County/city matters more than state. There are counties in TN with a higher vaccination rate than some counties in NY.
Anonymous says
We went to the movies last weekend (without our kid – got a babysitter) and there were only about 8 people in the whole theater. We wore our masks the whole time. It was fun, but I’ll definitely be going much less frequently than we used to. We watched Dune on the couch at home last night, and that’s one that I’d probably like to see in a theater instead since so much of it was sweeping vistas and space battles.
SC says
We are in an area with low community transmission (we had a huge delta spike but are down to summer levels), a mask mandate, and pretty good mask compliance. The city we’re near requires proof of vaccination for anyone 12 or older to enter public businesses, including movie theaters. DH and I have been gradually loosening the restrictions for ourselves. I’d probably go to a movie theater in the city, but not our suburb. I’d be more comfortable at a slow time and in a movie that doesn’t cater to children. We haven’t been to a movie yet, but DH and I dined indoors and then went to a rooftop bar a couple of weeks ago–both required proof of vaccination. We’re wavering on DH attending a private dinner hosted in someone’s home.
Anonymous says
TMI potty training question.
I know withholding is a thing for poop, but did anyone experience it for pee? My 3.75 year old daughter is not potty trained but we’re working on it and it feels like we’re making progress, but she’s started going the whole school day (~9 hours) without peeing (she’s in underwear, except she wears a pull up at nap – she used to use her pull-up at nap but has stopped that recently). She must have a big bladder because she doesn’t seem especially uncomfortable at the end of the day, but I know this can’t be healthy. She’s well-hydrated – her pee is pale yellow. We’ve tried talking to her about how important it is to pee frequently and how it can make her sick to hold it for this long and she says she understands but then holds it all day again. She does not pee super frequently at home, but will normally pee at least once in the middle of the day, so she’s holding it for more like 4-5 hours, not 9, which seems far more reasonable. I asked our pediatrician who freaked out and said we have to go back to diapers and not try potty training again for a while (our ped’s attitude about potty training is…blase, to be mildly), but I feel like we’re making progress and she’s so old that I hate to go back to square zero. If she were 2, we’d obviously just forget about potty training for a few months, but then seems crazy with a kid who is so close to 4.
SC says
My son did this, and he was not fully potty trained until he was close to 4. The only thing that helped was to require potty breaks at certain intervals. It worked at school when everyone did it together but was really hard at home, where he threw a tantrum every time until he learned it was non-negotiable.
In general, we have struggled getting my son to stop activities and take care of his body. At different times and in various manifestations, we’ve had issues with peeing, pooping, eating, and sleeping. We have to stick to a strict routine that includes time for each thing, and we have significant regressions if we vary from routine.
Anonymous says
They sit her on the potty every hour at school. I think it’s a fear/anxiety thing, not an unwillingness to stop what she’s doing.