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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Second child woes? says
So, I’m ready to be pregnant again. Kid 1 is nearly 2. My cycle seems regular (tracking temps). But my husband travels so much for work that he has been gone for the past 5 months of ovulation. I’ve mapped it out for the next three months and he’ll be gone in my fertile windows for those months as well.
I’m wondering how other people have handled this situation of getting pregnant when your spouse is always away. Is it fair that I ask him to tell work that he needs to be home to impregnate me? Should I be looking into IVF? I’m getting so frustrated. I’m hesitant to get him to take time off and then we don’t conceive and that time off feels like a waste. FWIW, we have discussed this and at first, he didn’t seem to understand why I can’t move ovulation (facepalm). Advice very much appreciated.
TTC 2 says
So, I’m ready to be pregnant again. Kid 1 is nearly 2. My cycle seems regular (tracking temps). But my husband travels so much for work that he has been gone for the past 5 months of ovulation. I’ve mapped it out for the next three months and he’ll be gone in my fertile windows for those months as well.
I’m wondering how other people have handled this situation of getting pregnant when your spouse is always away. Is it fair that I ask him to tell work that he needs to be home to impregnate me? Should I be looking into IVF? I’m getting so frustrated. I’m hesitant to get him to take time off and then we don’t conceive and that time off feels like a waste. FWIW, we have discussed this and at first, he didn’t seem to understand why I can’t move ovulation (facepalm). Advice very much appreciated.
anon says
I don’t think you need to jump to IVF just yet – if there’s no way he can rearrange travel, have you thought about going to a fertility clinic, freezing a few vials of sperm, and then having IUIs during the right time of the month? That would be much less expensive/invasive than IVF and depending on your age, gives you about a 20% chance of conception (assuming you are early 30s or younger).
anon says
If you’re going to go to all that trouble, then maybe it’s easier for you to fly out to spend the night? It could be fun.
Anon says
I have a demanding job and spouse who travels a lot for work, and IUI was something we considered to help us get pregnant because our schedules were so wacky. We also discussed me accompanying him on one of his trips, which would have been less expensive and more fun. Turns out we were able to conceive (after a few months) on one of our rare weekends together, even though it totally didn’t line up with when I thought my ovulation window was. It does happen!
anon says
Someone posted recently about an app they use to communicate chores or lists with their spouse but I can’t find the comment. Can anyone remind of that app or one you use for this? I know some people use a joint evernote but I’d rather not because I keep lists for gifts and all sorts of plans in my evernote account that I’d rather keep private.
Anonymous says
My husband and I have a shared grocery list from the notes app in ios. You just make a note and then select the option to add a person to it. Perhaps this is a lower tech option than what you’re looking for, though.
Anonymous says
If you have an iPhone, you can share Reminders with other people with iPhones. My husband and I have a family shopping list through it. Not exactly what you’re looking for, but it works.
Anon in NYC says
My husband and I use Google Keep. You can share lists or keep them private.
rosie says
We also use google keep (android family). You can have some lists that are shared, others that are private. Can have checkboxes in your lists or have them in a note format (I have different notes with different formats).
ANon says
Try Wunderlist. You can create lists that you share with someone, and others that you keep private.
Anon says
Love Wunderlist! It’s made our lives so much better
Green Hat says
+1 on Wunderlist! I love that you can both share lists and keep ones private – we have shared to-do lists and I have one just for tasks for me.
Anonymous says
+3 to Wunderlist! I use it for lots of different lists, most of which are private for me, but it has been helpful to have DH on the grocery list so he can add as needed or do the shopping sometimes. It’s super simple and intuitive to use – that is why we have kept it rather than going with other fancier options. It’s basically a to do list on a phone.
Also note that we are a mixed OS household – DH is iPhone, I am Android, and we’ve had zero issues, unlike with other apps (I’m looking at you, CALENDARING SYSTEMS!)
lala says
We use the “AnyList” app and really like it.
EB0220 says
My husband and I use Trello! I wrote about it, click on my name to see the writeup + tutorial….
EB0220 says
OK, just to add more color because I am really obsessed with Trello….
We have a shared “Home” board where we keep household chores and grocery items to buy. We can assign each task to someone and set a due date. We also have shared boards for gift ideas for the family and packing lists. I use Trello for work to-dos and personal projects as well and those boards are private. I’ve tried so many other apps (Wunderlist, ToDoist, Google Keep, Evernote, etc etc) and this one is my favorite BY FAR.
Anonymous says
This looks really cool and I may need to spend some of my pre-baby mat leave time setting this up for our family!
Anonymous says
How often do your babies eat? I have a breastfed 4 month old who is home with my MIL during the week. She feeds her every 3 hrs like clockwork and lately this seems to have translated to her waking up 2-3 times a night to nurse. When I was home on ML she typically woke up once a night from 2 months on, and woke up twice rarely. Our pediatrician says we should be stretching out feedings during the day and this will result in longer sleep at night. But when I tried leaving bigger bottles, MIL said baby still needed to eat every 3 hrs, so that’s not sustainable for me to pump that much.
Thoughts? I’m desperate to wake up less at night!
Everlong says
Oh goodness. I know it’s rough to deal with your MIL, but she needs to listen to you, not the other way around.
“MIL, our pediatrician insisted that baby needs to try to eat X ounces and eat on demand rather than every 3 hours. Please wait until baby is hungry. Pediatrician is concerned that baby isn’t sleeping through the night so we have to try this. Thank you!”
That places the responsibility on the pediatrician instead of you.
Also, it’s really tricky when family watches baby. Make sure you’re setting the precedent that MIL listens to you and not the other way around because this only gets harder.
J says
I’ve never really heard advice to feed less during the day to sleep more at night. This seems really sketchy to me, TBH. Especially since BM is very individual to each woman and baby. You’re supposed to trust baby’s cues. If baby is hungry, I don’t think you can expect MIL to ignore that, nor should she.
Anonymous says
I read this as advice to feed less frequently, but in bigger amounts at each feeding so that baby isn’t snacking. Sounds like MIL is feeding every 3 hours whether baby is hungry or not. OP, I feel like there is some advice out there on how to coach caregivers on feeding BF babies and how it differs from exclusively formula fed- this seems to come up in daycare transitions . Maybe review that with your MIL.
J says
That could be. I read MIL saying that baby needs to eat every three hours as baby was asking to eat every three hours. I might have misunderstood.
lawsuited says
It sounds like baby is hungry every 3 hours because MIL says baby is eating the bigger bottles of milk but still wanting to eat again in 3 hours so stretching the feedings isn’t possible.
Anonymous says
G oogle “paced bottle feeding” and have MIL watch the videos. But I would +1 that every 3hrs is normal for a 4mo in terms of frequency.
OP says
Yes, this was the doc’s point: feed more less frequently because we have a big baby; baby should be able to go longer stretches. MIL isn’t feeding on a schedule so much as says that baby is hungry every 3 hrs. I’m not home so can’t really argue and I’m certainly not going to tell her to keep my child hungry just to make do with a schedule.
Anonymous says
+1. I’d be surprised to see a 4 month old go much longer than 3 hours between feedings, unless there was the occasional monster nap. At 4 months I would still be feeding on demand. But I was home then and able to nurse, so it wasn’t about a schedule for bottles.
J says
Four month sleep regression? This might have to do less with nursing/eating and more with a sleep phase. Can you send in a partner sometimes to see if she is really waking up to nurse or if she just needs some cuddles? When it felt like our daughter was regressing, if she woke up early to eat, my husband would go in. If she settled back down, we knew she wasn’t hungry and was just having trouble putting herself back to sleep. If she wouldn’t calm down after a few minutes, we knew she was hungry.
Anon in NYC says
Yes, this could very well be the 4 month sleep regression.
But, I feel your frustration. My husband took paternity leave when I returned to work and insisted that our 4 month old needed a bottle every 2 hours (she did not). I think you need to insist that your MIL stretch out the feedings until when your baby actually needs/wants them instead of just automatically giving her a bottle every 3 hours. What I would do is track the frequency of your nursing/bottles over the weekend. Especially if you give her a bottle and know exactly how many oz she drank, and when she next became hungry, and see if there is any consistency – maybe she can handling feedings every 3.5 hours – and then you/DH need to insist that MIL follow that schedule.
Anon in NYC says
Also, another thought – if your LO is going through a growth spurt, she could very well just be cluster feeding right now and actually want the frequency! In which case, for your own sanity, I’d make the bottles smaller and have your MIL feed her as needed.
At the end of the day, all of this is really trial and error and seeing what works for you/your kid. But, your MIL should be flexible and adapt to changes that you and your spouse are making.
rosie says
I don’t understand your pediatrician’s advice. From what I’ve read and was told by my peds, you want your baby to eat more during the day. Basically, they need to eat a certain amount each day (I think it’s like 28-35 oz usually, depending on mom/baby/growth spurt/etc.?)–you want them to eat that amount during the day, not over a 24-hr span where they are getting much of it at night.
My baby is 1, and she was bottlefed breastmilk–we have always given as much as she wants, whenever she wants, and encouraged her to eat during the day (as in, kept her a in quiet room when we thought she might be hungry to encourage her to eat w/out getting distracted). Realizing that doesn’t work for every baby, but that worked for us.
Anonymous says
I think it was probably not that the baby should eat less, but that stretching out the time between feedings would enable the baby to go longer at night without needing to eat. i.e., if you “train” a baby to expect a bottle every 3 hours, they will wake up every 3 hours to eat.
OP says
This.
lawsuited says
I had the exact same experience at 4 months. We tried feeding bigger bottles less often but LO just wanted the bigger bottles more often and I was struggling to pump frequently enough to produce that much extra milk. We tried a bunch of stuff – adding formula in the evening/overnight feedings, introducing solids. None of that helped with sleep (although introducing solids did reduce the demand on my pumped milk). It turned out we were dealing with the 4 month sleep regression and it straight-up sucked until we sleep-trained at 5.5 months.
Anonymous says
+1, cosign all of this. Same exact thing happened and same resolution, though not sure how much was sleep training and how much was LO just growing out of it. Milk intake at daycare has stayed constant since 4mos on – even after sleeping through the nigiht, adding solids, etc.
Anonymous says
I’m not sure your ped’s advice makes sense. My EBF 4 month old eats every 2-2.5 hours during the day and sleeps 10-11 hours at night. I think frequent feedings let her fuel up and get all her calories in during the day. We tried to stretch her feedings to 3 hours for convenience and she started waking up more at night. But I guess breasts have a max storage capacity in a way a bottle doesn’t, so maybe she was getting less milk total when we stretched the feedings.
Anonymous says
Some babies just don’t eat a lot at a time. One of my twins could glup 6-8 oz in minutes and sleep 6-8 hours overnight, and the other twin would take like a half hour to drink 4-5 oz and had to be fed every 3-4 hours until like 6 months of age. As 4 year olds they still eat at those differentiated paces.
Can you try a dream feed before you go to bed? If you put baby down at 7pm, dream feed at 10pm, then you should be able to just nurse at 1am and 4am and then 7am and up for the day. If you nurse sidelying and take turns with DH bringing you the baby and resettling the baby then you don’t have to get out of bed every night.
Anon says
I also don’t quite understand your ped’s advice. We had twins so were strict to keep to a schedule, but at 4 months we fed them 4 oz of breastmilk every 3 hours at 6am, 9am, noon, 3pm, and 5:30pm (bedtime), then gave them a dream feed at 8pm, and they slept through until 6am. We kept up a 3-hour daytime feeding schedule until they dropped an afternoon bottle around 10 months, and it never seem to interfere with nighttime sleep.
anon says
How big are the bottles? My babies never had more than a 4-4.5 ounce bottle and never went longer than about 3 hours unless they were asleep. Usually they went more like 2.5 hours between feeds during the day.
We also did lots of cluster feeding before bed to fill them up for the night. Often in the evening, I’d nurse at 5:30 when I got home, again at 6:30 PM for dinner, and then again at 7:30 PM for the last before bed nurse. I actually moved my last pump of the day a little earlier to make sure that there was plenty for when I got home from work.
OP says
Bottles are around 5 oz. Ped said that baby should be eating 4-5ti es per 24 hr period now, and I feed her before I go to work, leave 3 bottles, then feed when I come home/bedtime and then however many times she wakes up, so usually a grand total of 7! I noticed the increase in night wakings correlates with MIL days because baby sleeps better on weekends but maybe that also has to do with missing some direct nursing time during the week? MIL is very receptive to what we ask but she is also very concerned baby will be hungry and upset so I think she may rush to feed when it could be that baby would be fine an extra half hour.
I appreciate all the responses. I think I’ll leave this alone for now because it sounds like we’re within range of normal here! Thanks!!
Anon says
FWIW, I think 4-5 feeds per day for a breastfed baby sounds low. At that time, we had at least 6 feeds per 24 hours – wakeup, 3 daytime bottles (or feeds on W/Es), bedtime, around once overnight (or twice, never zero until at least 7-8 months, maybe longer). It wasn’t unheard of to have an extra for whatever reason now and again. So we were at 6-7 and our pediatrician often would have preferred I tried to get another feeding in for the first 4-5 months of our daughter’s life. But she simply didn’t want it and didn’t take kindly to me trying to get her to eat when she wasn’t hungry. Every situation is different, but my experience would indicate this is either a temporary growth spurt or sleep regression. Everything is a phase. You’ll get past it and it’ll be a distant memory until you’re giving someone else advice in a few years ;) You’re doing an awesome job!
consultant's wife says
I’m not saying not to follow your ped’s advice, but I’ve found that our pediatrician is less educated than I would like about EBF scheduling. She hasn’t come out and said it, but I think her standards re what’s normal/expected are linked to formula babies.
My EBF son didn’t sleep through the night for the first time until last night! (YAY!) (He’s 6 months and I’ve recently upped daycare bottles to 5.5 oz in an attempt to get more calories in during the day.) Your situation sounds like ours around the 4 month mark. I assumed it was a sleep regression. FWIW at 4 months my son was getting 3 bottles at daycare, nursing first thing in the morning and at bedtime, and waking up at least once during the night. So he was getting at least 6 “meals” per day, often 7 during the sleep regression phase.
JTX says
I’d be more prone to blame the four-month sleep regression than the baby’s feeding schedule. I agree with the other posters that frequency of feeding during the day shouldn’t affect your child’s sleeping (except that if she eats more frequently and therefore a larger amount during the day, she may be more satiated and sleep better at night).
I couldn’t pump enough to provide 100% BM during the day. After torturing myself for months, I ended up supplementing with formula. I would encourage you to give that a try and give yourself and your MIL a break. I understand the complicated emotions associated with not being able to pump enough to keep up with demand — it’s super stressful and guilt-inducing (for me, at least) — but I also sympathize with your MIL, who is dealing with a fussy, possibly hungry baby during the day.
Anon says
Reposting, because my comment didn’t seem to get through.
I’m ready for kid 2. Kid 1 is nearly 2. But my husband travels a ton for work. For the past 5 months, he’s been away during my fertile window. I’ve mapped out the next three and he seems to be gone for those too. I’m so frustrated. What do I do? Do I go for IVF? I don’t want to have him take a vacation and then not conceive (for whatever reason). Do I get him to explain to work that he needs to stay around home? Has anyone else dealt with this?
Anonymous says
No don’t jump to IVF. Have him block the days if he can, or take vacation as needed. If he really can’t manage that for a couple days a month talk to your doctor about IUI.
anon says
I would definitely try IUI before jumping to IVF.
anne-on says
Can you get a sitter or have family watch your child and you travel to him? I’d assume a plane ticket and a day or two of vacation would be much cheaper than IUI or IVF, right?
Anon says
He’s in an industry where you go to work on site – think mining. I probably wouldn’t have clearance to be there. But this is a good point about the cost.
Anonymous says
Does he have to stay onsite or can he say ‘my wife is coming to visit neighboring town so I’ll stay at hotel in town and drive to site every morning”? Treat yourself to a spa day while he’s at work.
rosie says
IVF is incredibly expensive and invasive (for the woman). It is unlikely that you would have insurance coverage for it (relatively few plans cover any fertility treatments, and the ones that do so may require demonstrated trying w/out success for a certain amount of time). I would guess it is cheaper for your husband to take unpaid leave if necessary to be in town for the right timing. Even if you have to do it multiple months. Talk to your dr to see if it would be worthwhile to try unmedicated IUI w/a frozen contribution from him (I would not do medicated w/an OB vs an RE, and once you’re monitoring, etc., that’s going to get expensive).
Anonymous says
How long is he gone during your fertile window? If it’s only like a 3-5 day trip, just DTD on the morning he leaves and as soon as he gets home on the last day. I got pregnant on my first way later in my cycle than I expected just the morning before DH left for a week.
Anon says
+1. Sperm can survive for 5+ days after DTD. IVF is such a physically taxing and expensive endeavor, and I can’t imagine any reputable doctor agreeing to put you through that when not medically indicated.
Anonymous says
Yes, I dealt with this. Do note that even if you got IUI covered by insurance, you would still need to pay extra for freezing the sperm, and for storing it, etc. I’m sorry, it’s so so frustrating. We ended up just waiting until a time DH could be around (needed IUI anyway) but those months of waiting really sucked. I also travelled so it was really tough to schedule everything.
S says
+1. My husband put our baby on a schedule during his paternity leave (but at 6 months). It’s not what I was doing when I was home, but worked better for him and she was well-fed and happy. I would ask if every three hours is okay for the baby and just go with it if it is.
S says
This was in response to J above.
Anonymous says
If you and your husband each have Evernote, you can choose to share individual notes (or notebooks), which would let you keep other things provate. Might be easier than a separate app.
Anonymous says
How odd is it to give two siblings the same middle name? We gave our first son his middle name in honor of my husband’s father and my grandfather (both of whom had passed away and were very important in our lives). My husband is suddenly very keen on giving our second son the same middle name as a way of honoring those family members, having a tie to both sides of our families, and having this be something that they share. I’m not totally opposed, but I’m wondering how weird this would seem to outsiders. Honestly, the only people who would really know/care are the brothers themselves and anyone who gets a birth announcement and paying attention.
Anon in NYC says
I think it’s a little unusual, but, really, how often do you know somebody’s middle name and/or know that their sibling has the same middle name? I think you’d probably get comments up front from family/friends, but eventually most people would forget.
Edna Mazur says
I know someone who gave all five of his sons his first name as their middle name. The dad got the side eye in that case.
If it is to honor someone else I don’t see it being viewed as negatively. If I noticed I might think, “oh that is a little different [shrug]” and then continue admiring the beautiful baby.
Tfor22 says
I have the same middle name as my sister and don’t like it, sorry. I’ve always thought it was a middle child thing (I am the third of four) and that my parents ran out of creativity. It sounds like you could explain it to your boys.
lawsuited says
It’s not that odd. Even assuming they both have the same last name now, it’s nice that they’ll still have a name in common if one of them changes their name after marriage.
Anonymous says
Every male on my husband’s side has the same middle name. It’s actually a matralineal last name which my feminist self adores but they just see it as grandmother X’s maiden name.
So my FIL and his brother(s), my husband and his brother(s), my son and all my nephews (including 3 boys in one family) have the same last name. I think it’s cool and funnily enough, it’s actually become a very popular name (slightly altered spelling) these days.
I’ll add that my nephews all think it’s really cool and one of my nephews likes to tell people all the time that he’s the 6th and inform the little boys which order in line they fall in.
Anonymous says
gah – same last name as a middle name.
Anon in NYC says
aw, that’s cute.
anne-on says
+1 – My son and I have the same middle name – my maiden last name. He actually asks when daddy will change his middle name so that we can all match.
Anon says
My sibs and I all have our Mom’s maiden name as a middle name and over the years I’ve met lots of other families with the same tradition, so I say go for it if its important to you! Growing up it occasionally bothered me that I didn’t have a “real” middle name, but that was due to it being obviously a last name, not that I shared it with my siblings. I do think the key is that all 3 of us had it, though, if it was split 2 and 1 it would have seemed more like our parents ran out of ideas.
FVNC says
Thanks for sharing your perspective! My kids both have my last name as their middle name. Good to know they might have Thoughts and Feelings about this in the future :-)
Anonymous says
I don’t think it’s weird, mostly because no one really cares about middle names except immediate family.
Anonymous says
I don’t think its odd. My two girls have the same middle name – which was their grandmother’s middle name (who has passed away) and a very common middle name in their culture. I don’t know yet if they care — my older daughter thought it was cute and was excited when we decided to give them the same middle name and the little one is still too young to care. We really rarely use the middle name, so it is really just to honor their grandmother and heritage.
Anonymous says
I think it would be a bit odd if it were like a random middle name, but not if it’s a family name or names. My kids all have my last name as their middle name. I say go for it.
JTM says
We’re planning to get our children the same middle name, which is my maiden name. It’s important to me to give my children my name as well.
OP says
Yeah, but I guess I think of that as different since it’s your maiden name. If we’d chosen to do that, I wouldn’t feel like that was odd at all. My last name (which I kept) is a common noun and an odd one at that so it’d be a strange middle name for our sons, otherwise, I’d probably have done that, too.
anon says
Personally, I do think it is a little odd, but it’s totally your decision. I also felt no obligation to honor anyone in my family (or DH’s family). And is there really a point to middle names anyways? But names are so personal so if that’s your thing, I say go for it.
Now, if you were going to name your child Broccoli or something, I’d probably try to talk to you out of it.
Anon says
I am surprised by how often I use my kids’ middle names (I love them and how they sound with their first names) so it would be a little odd to have the same one, but if it is super meaningful to you I don’t think it’s *that* crazy. There’s a very popular mommy blogger who gave both her sons the same middle name (and then didn’t give her daughters any middle name…so to each her own).
Anonymous says
I don’t think this is weird at all. I know families who do this with first names, actually, like they have a Maria Teresa and a Maria Luisa and a Maria Sarah. There’s a similar “generational name” tradition in Chinese, like I’m Shi-Ming and my sister is Shi-En, etc.
Amelia Bedelia says
My children both have the exact same middle name. This is because it is part of my husband’s culture. I love it.
Spirograph says
This is very common in some cultures. I have female friends who have the same middle names as their brothers (father’s & grnadfather’s names)
We opted not to, but my husband was keen on giving both our sons the same middle name.
BPS says
Hey ladies. My 6 month old is sleeping through the night (aka if he wakes himself up, he can go back to sleep himself). The issue we have is early waking, often around 5:30-6 AM. We usually let him CIO until 6:30 AM. When we let him wake up early, on weekdays this means he is wiped out/super fussy by daycare dropoff time around 8-8:45 AM. He also seems still tired/sleepy when he does this early wakeup. Any suggestions on getting him to 6:30 AM without CIO? FWIW, Right now, he’s napping about 2-3 times at daycare with at least one nap being 1 hour plus, and by the time we get back home around 5:30-6 PM, I give him solids and then start bedtime routine (massage/bath/nurse/book/put in pack n play drowsy but asleep), and he’s asleep no later than 8 PM. TIA!
Kelly says
If you want him awake at 630 you should have him asleep by 630 at this age, he’s probably waking early because he’s overtired.
rosie says
You could try ok to wake clock. He might be a little young, but we started it with my baby when she was less than a year old. There was a discussion about this in comments sometime last week if you search for it–I & some others posted about our methods for trying it.
Anonymous says
You could first try an earlier bedtime. My DD went to bed around 6:30 at that age, but I’m a firm believer in early bedtime and different kids need different amounts of sleep. She only started going to bed at 7pm at 12 months old, and sleeps about 7pm-6:30 a.m.
Whenever we had early wakeups (which suck – I know) I would go in and nurse and cuddle and sometimes she would fall back asleep on me. Or other times if she was awake she might fall asleep for 10 minutes in a baby carrier while I was running around the house getting ready.
lawsuited says
Try an earlier bedtime, and make sure the room is still very dark at 5:30am. But also, we don’t have as much control over what time exactly our baby wakes up and 6am is a normal wakeup time for a lot of children.
Anonymous says
Surprised by all the advice to put him to bed earlier. My six month olds regulary went to bed at around 8pm, fed once over night and woke at 6:30-7am. Can you try nursing baby or giving him a bottle when he wakes and he may snooze again for another hour. The times my kids woke early, I could often just nurse and they’d sleep another hour but I was okay with co-sleeping and I know that doesn’t work for all families.
Another option is to try increasing his solids. He may be hungry. And it may also get better on it’s own. We’re almost at the brightest part of the year so once the sun it’s up so early it may get better.
BPS says
Thanks all! 6:30 bedtime on weekdays is out of the question – by the time I do pick up, get sorted at home, and have him on highchair for dinner it’s 6-6:15 PM at the earliest. Will also look into okay to wake clock.
Can definitely try more solids (he LOVES solids; has never been a super effective nurser but wow can put away solids), and keeping the room darker. So follow up questions: What solids to give “more” of? I’m guessing veggies probably over rice cereal? Also, we get a TON of natural light in our apartment, which is lovely, but not for this. Does anyone have any suggestions apart from blackout curtains to keep the light out? :)
Thank y’all so much!
Anonymous says
We get home from work at 6pm and bedtime is 7pm – that extra hour earlier may make a big difference, so try it for a week and see how you do! For reference our weekday evening routine is dinner at 6pm, bathtime or playing with toys at 6:30pm, getting ready for bed at 6:45pm, in bed at 7pm. Our paed told us to feed LO dinner within an hour of bedtime so he didn’t get hungry overnight, and we’ve kept that habit. I always feed LO grains at dinner (at 4 months it was baby cereal) to keep him full, so mix some cereal in with the veggie puree and let him eat as much as he wants.
Obviously you need to cover the windows to keep light from coming through them. We use a combination of vinyl blackout blinds and blackout curtains in LO’s room. Not the prettiest but nicer than taping aluminium foil or cardboard or black garbage bags to the windows which are your other options. If LO doesn’t have a room, consider putting his crib in a closet.
BPS says
Baby was sooo overtired yesterday – terrible daycare nap day (probably from the early waking). So he was IN crib at 7 PM, we even skipped bedtime book. He did wake/stir around 6 AM, but then went back to sleep and I had to wake him up at 6:45 AM! Most importantly, he seemed more rested. Will keep trying to put down by 7 PM at the latest this week and see how it goes! :)
Anon says
Breast milk is more calorically dense than most (all?) solids, so don’t increase solids at the expense of breast milk. If you want to add solids, I’d lean towards fats and proteins – avocado, egg, peanut butter, etc. But I agree with the advice to try nursing him when he wakes up in the morning and he may at least cat nap on you for a little while.
Anonymous says
We have pull down shades from Se ars that pretty much black out the room. Get the custom fit ones so you get the tightest fit possible It’s a balance though because you don’t want it so dark that baby can’t find a lost pacifier on their own. We use a red night light because red light wakes less.
For foods – try things with protein and healthy fats to help with feeling full overnight – avocado mashed with a bit of ground beef mixed in or scrambled eggs or high protein barilla noodles with olive oil or greek yoghurt.
Anonymous says
+1 to try nursing him back to sleep first thing in the morning.
Anonymous says
Also surprised at the earlier bedtime advice for that age. I feel like you’re lucky to get as long of a stretch as you’re getting. We thought our first was a great sleeper and he was probably doing 9-5:30/6 at that age. No real advice except to maybe try putting him down a little later at night or adjusting your expectations for the morning. I think he’s way too young for an okay-to-wake clock.
AIMS says
It may seem counterintuitive but it really does work with most kids. Sleep begets sleep and all that. My daughter went to bed at 630 at that age an slept till 7/730. Any later and she would wake up at 5. A few nights my mom would babysit and put her to bed late thinking she’s letting us sleep in the next day and it was wake up with the sun, every time. My new baby is the same way. On days he sleeps all day, he sleeps all night. On days he naps like crap, he doesn’t sleep well at night either.
It’s very tough to put them to bed early when you work and don’t see them all day/get home after 6 but for us it was absolutely worth it to have a good night’s sleep and generally happy kid. There were many nights in the first year where I walked thru the door to nurse and immediately put baby to bed, which sucked, but I’m happy I did it.
Anonymous says
I totally agree w the “sleep begets sleep” principle…but for us, that didn’t mean earlier bedtimes so much as it meant solid naps all day long.
S says
Black out shades
Pogo says
Not what you want to hear, but that might be his schedule? My 10mo sleeps 7-6, 6:30 on a good day. He is also ready for nap by 8:30. That is just what he does, and earlier bedtime doesn’t translate into any later waking, though we usually try to be upstairs starting bedtime by 6:30 so he’s actually asleep by 7. I could not put him down any later because he’d be a hot mess.
At 6mos I would do a nursing session early morning to get more sleep out of him, but once he started truly sleeping 11 hours a night, I figured that was his full night’s sleep. So we’re up for the day at 6 often.
That said he often wakes before 6 and happily babbles to himself and rolls around in his crib not bothering anyone, so I never go in before 6. If your little is truly CRYING at 5:30, he might actually be hungry?
Meg Murry says
+1 to “unfortunately, this might be his schedule”. That said, if he’s still acting sleepy, he might be waking up because he’s actually hungry, or because his diaper is uncomfortably wet. It’s also possible that he’s shifting to a lighter sleep at that time but then an external noise is waking him – for us we found that my kids would wake up to 1) garbage trucks banging dumpsters at 4:30 am 2) a neighbor revving his loooud motorcyle at 6 am 3) the “woosh” the HVAC system made when it fired up every morning to switch from nightime mode to morning mode.
Can you go in and do the bare minimum of feed/diaper change/comfort in semi-darkness and then put him back down to see if he’ll sleep for another hour?
Anonymous says
Actually, it IS helpful! He is crying/fussing, not babbling. I agree, he’s probably hungry after going so long without food. Maybe we just need to haul butt to daycare and get there at 8 vs. 8:30 or later. Will play around with that this week and see how it works.
BPS says
That was from OP – forgot to add Name! Good suggestions, will try these.
ifiknew says
Pogo – on a seperate note, has your baby been sleeping well? I know you had posted about struggles with night waking. We were doing great then hit 12 months and shes waking up a bunch again, argh.
Anon in NYC says
There is a sleep regression around that age. Plus also 1 year molars. Between a sleep regression, a cold, molars, a vacation w/a time change, developmental changes, and a second sleep regression, we had a really bad stretch of sleep from about 13-15/16 months. Hang in there!
Pogo says
Knocking on wood, he is sleeping like a champ now. I do think we’re heading for that 12mo regression when naps start decreasing (from my reading that sounds like part of what causes it, along with everything else they are going through at that age). A couple weekends ago he napped his normal 2.5 hours in the morning, but then only did an hour in the afternoon (he usually naps >2h both times). He had a night waking or two as well (tho he put himself back down after about 2min of crying, we didn’t go in). I mentioned this to daycare, and she says she only lets them nap 1 hour in the morning (8:30-9:30). But I’m always loathe to wake a sleeping baby!
Bottom line, such a cr@pshoot, I have no idea what I’m doing.
Anonymous says
That feeling when you have been solo parenting all day with a preschooler and a toddler and your husband finally comes home . . . and then takes a shower for half an hour because “he got caught in the rain”. Raaaage.
Anon for This says
My husband, without fail, will take a shower almost as a transition thing. Came home from visiting family and now is going to mow the lawn, showers first. We just got home from the grocery store with a car full of groceries and kids, he heads straight to the shower (that got him a come to Jesus, he now helps get everyone/thing unloaded but will shower before doing anything else). Completely non-negotiable, and he won’t be rushed even if we are late.
He takes a loooong shower when coming home from work (like uses all the hot water in the house long), so I totally feel you on that.
lawsuited says
I have been known to hand my husband the baby (in need of a bath) to shower with him so that he is not tempted to dawdle and a childcare task (bathing baby) is checked off my list at the same time.
Lana Del Raygun says
Men have no right to take half-hour showers. They can pee in the woods conveniently, so they have to give up something else.
ANon says
I don’t think it’s weird. Reading why you want to do it sounds very sweet; a beautiful reason is motivating the decision. That being said, I have to defer to Tfor22, above, since she has first-hand experience of what it’s like being the sibling with the same middle name.
Anonymous says
Today is my first day back at work. My mom’s home with the baby and keeps emailing and texting me that he won’t take a bottle at all. He had some formula when he was very young but hasn’t a bottle in over a month and has apparently forgotten how to suck from it. Please reassure me this will get better and he’ll figure it out. I mean, I know he won’t starve, but I’m worried he’s going to start waking up all the time at night to feed if he doesn’t get enough during the day. Ugh. Not the best start to my return :(
Anonymous says
God, I remember those days of worrying about anything that impact night sleep – I felt my sanity was hanging by a thread, and that thread could be broken by 1 more night wakeup. It will definitely get better. Good luck!
Anonymous says
PS – I didn’t end up going crazy either, despite the 4 month sleep regression. You can do this!
OP says
He’s sleeping well now, but I have heard so many horror stories about reverse cycling and babies who refuse bottles all day and then wake up to nurse every 3 hours at night – I don’t think I can go back to those crazy sleep deprived days!
Anonymous says
All the internet hugs. He’ll be fine but she can try spoonfeeding him the milk if that makes you feel better and makes it easier to get through the day.
Anonymous says
There are tons of variations you can try – different bottles, different mix of b-milk / formula, warmer vs. colder temp, etc. When I went back to work with an 8 mo old who was EBF he unfortunately never took a bottle though. If your baby is more like 3 mo I think the chance is greater that the baby will adapt. We resorted to mixing scoops of formula into pureed baby food (and it worked fine for us but talk to your pedi on anything like this). Fwiw he always slept great though.
Pogo says
Hugs. It will get better. It took some time – weeks if I recall – before LO was consistently drinking what I felt he should (6oz per feeding). Note that he also bottle strikes with a big change of any kind – when I go away, he will barely eat the first day or so. But he catches up eventually.
Will he be with your mom always, or will he be in daycare? I credit daycare with saving my sanity during this time, because they’ve dealt with SO many babies, they know all the tricks and don’t rattle easily. My mom was as nervous as I was when I back, so that first week or so while she was watching him was actually more stressful than once he started daycare!
Moms Solo says
Mine wouldn’t take a bottle for the first week and a half I wasn’t back at work and it was SOO STRESSFUL. One day he just started taking them (we did switch to fast flow though). He was with a nanny but he was scheduled to start daycare a few months later, and I called the infant teachers there in desperation to see if they had advice. They said eventually all babies just start taking bottles eventually. It’ll get better.
CPA Lady says
This is a weird question and I don’t know quite how to frame it. But I feel like growing up it was drilled into my head that I had to achieve, achieve, achieve. I had to do my best. I had to go to the best school and get the best grades, anything less than an A was unacceptable, etc.
Has anyone thought about raising their kid without that kind of pressure? Sort of a “you can overachieve if you want to, but it’s also okay to be a normal person with a normal job and just enjoy your life”?
My husband and I are both anxious perfectionists, FWIW. I’ve been working hard at not being one, but I haven’t gotten it quite perfect yet. ;)
Marilla says
I hope to raise my kids without that kind of pressure! My greatest dream for them is to be normal, happy, well-adjusted people with normal jobs, who strive to be good people (as opposed to striving to be the top or the best, or striving to “be happy” which I don’t think works as an end goal). I think that’s what my mom wanted for us, and I think most of the Type A perfectionist pressure I put on myself as a teen was self-imposed.
Pogo says
+1 to self-imposed. I don’t recall my parents ever directly telling me I needed to have straight As, make varsity, lead a community service project, etc. I decided I wanted to do all those things. In fact, I remember my mom aiding and abetting light truancy to get me to chill out sometimes!
I absolutely don’t want my kids to have that pressure, but not sure what more you can do than be supportive, if they’re truly a type A perfectionist.
Anonymous says
Exactly this. My mom said/says all the time “it’s important for kids to be kids and have time to play and relax.” My parents expected a baseline level of effort (and given ability, this also correlated to a baseline level of achievement) for anything I chose to participate in, but gave decent latitude for me to decide how much to take on. Essentially, you don’t have to sign up for AP calculus, but you have to do your math homework.
I put way too much pressure on myself as a teenager, mostly because of the constant messaging to “reach my potential.” Not so much from my parents, but from the rest of the world. I’m very smart, according to IQ and standardized tests, and I have a lot of natural aptitude and ability in music. I really, really struggled with making choices that made me happier, but meant I was choosing not to “reach my potential” in those areas. I completely burnt out and dropped out of college my freshman year for a lot of reasons that stemmed from that. I hope to make it clear to my kids that they shouldn’t feel the need to achieve just because they CAN, but if they WANT to achieve, I will support them however they want me to.
anon says
I definitely don’t want to raise my child with that kind of pressure. Teenagers have so much anxiety these days, it’s insane! But even if I don’t put that kind of pressure on my child, outside forces will. You have to have x GPA to get into Y school. Your SATs must be Z. You must do service work, extracurricular activities, music lessons, etc. Unfortunately, I just don’t think there’s a way around it these days.
Anon says
I think my parents did it right – there was definitely always pressure to do my best, and anything less was unacceptable, but if my best wouldn’t get the A (rarely), make varsity sports (often), etc., then my best was good enough. We saw this most often with my sisters who were A-B-C+ students, and much better at sports than me, versus my straight A’s at top 10 programs. I have a lot of intellectual gifts, and I’m thankful my parents taught my to be diligent and put them to good use. That is the approach we intend to take with our kids. I don’t know how well you can judge intelligence in a baby, but my 10 month old seems unusually smart to me (and others have remarked on it – not just mom bias), so I suspect she got my brains and I would hate for that gift to be a waste. The discipline and drive that my parents instilled in me allowed me to work hard and open a lot of doors even if as I got older I chose not to go through all of them for personal reasons. I contrast this with my husband who as far as I can tell grew up with little to no supervision or pressure, and the concept that working hard is valuable is not something he grew up with and it was an adjustment for him when he became and adult and actually had to work at things.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, this is how I felt growing up and still felt until a little after my son was born. Now I’m realizing that I don’t really like what’s at the end of all of this “achieving” and wish I had been a little more laid back. My husband is not an anxious perfectionist and has a “normal” (though in high demand) job, which I think helps level me out and will help with our kids.
I’d like for our kids to be self-driven academically and not completely slack off, but also not feel so pressured to be the best. I think a lot of this comes down to personality, but I can see how living in a pressure cooker-type neighborhood where every other parent wants their kid to be the best could increase the anxiety of someone who is already predisposed to be anxious. So maybe live in a more average neighborhood?
It’s tough in the U.S. as we don’t really have a government-provided safety net for those who are average so everyone feels they will be left behind if they don’t become the best, but if you can find a way for family or your community to step in and be that safety net, that would help I think.
J says
I really hear you on feeling the need to achieve less after my child was born. I’ve reduced my hours to give more time to the “life” balance. My husband who definitely has a great job doesn’t aspire to be CEO (although he does aspire to be a technical expert in his engineering field). We feel very grateful and blessed for our status quo and don’t feel the need to be pouring a ton of effort into achieving for the sake of achieving anymore. Very different from our school (for both of us) and athletics (just him) lives.
GCA says
+1 to that last point. From observing middle-class family pressure re: education in both the US and my home country*, I’ve realized what’s driving all this pressure, fundamentally, is inequality. If the payoff from getting a top-flight college education is so large, and the opportunities for decent, livable work without college or appropriate training are so few, of course families are going to put a lot of pressure on their kids to excel.
Like many parents, I also want my kids to grow up without undue pressure – I want them to be happy, kind, normal human beings who contribute to the world – but I think outside forces and perhaps personality (kiddo is already starting to look like a bit of a perfectionist) might interfere with that.
*Home country is also grappling with questions of inequality – for instance, even though it’s famous for a high-performing national public educational system, there is an enormous shadow education system (tutoring, intensive prep classes) that’s much more accessible to the wealthy.
Anonymous says
Daniel Tiger – “everyone’s job is important, everyone helps in different ways”. Middle kid’s current ambition is to be a house cleaner. He loves it when our cleaners come over. I’m fine with that. DH and I have three degrees each and both earn over six figures. I was the perfectionist overachiever until I ended up hospitalized with major depression 6 months into university because I couldn’t deal with the pressure. Another lawyer here lost their kid to suicide at 19. So, I truly and deeply DGAF what kind of jobs or education our kids have as long as they are happy in their lives. I want them to have interests and hobbies outside of work that they are passionate about so they are not defined by their jobs.
Meg Murry says
I was that kind of high achieving perfectionist growing up. Part of it is just who I am/was, and looking back, part of it was that my mother never seemed to give a straightforward “good job” or “you obviously worked hard on that” or “we’re proud of you” (or if she did, pre-teen/teenage me always seemed to hear criticism in it) – it was always couched with a “good job on getting an A BUT we know that subject is easy for you so we would expect nothing less” or “you did pretty good BUT next time I know you can do better”.
A few things have helped me snap out of that mindset:
1) I went to a top ranked school for undergrad from a very small high school, and for the first time in my life things didn’t come easily to me and I was regularly only average or in the bottom 25% – even when I pushed myself, I was always behind and always struggling. After a lot of work, I finally was able to shift my mindset to “just getting a degree from this place is an achievement in an of itself and I worked my a$$ off for it, so I’m going to focus on being proud of what I did accomplish instead of beating myself up over not doing even better”.
1a) Even though I went to a top ranked school, that didn’t actually make it the “best” school for me. Looking back, with what I finally majored in and where I wanted to live (eventually back in the Midwest near my family or in a small city, not in a major East or West Coast city), I probably would have had an education and job prospects that would have been a better “fit” for me if I’d gone to one of the pretty well regarded state or regional schools – and some of them probably would have given me a lot more financial/merit aid as well. I can’t say for certain, but I probably would have been better off being one of the top level students at a mid-to-high level school instead of one of the students struggling to break above the lower 25th percentile at a top level school.
2) My husband is super laid back and always did well because of natural factors like genuine curiosity in what he was learning about – not just trying to be the best at a subject because he wanted to be the best. He went the “one of the best students at a mid level state school” route, and came away happier and with much less debt than I did. Sometimes his laid back attitude drives me a bit crazy, but it’s overall helped me to mellow out at lot and to learn to be happy with what I have instead of frustrated with myself that I’m not “better” in some way (job title/status, income level, etc).
My kids are pretty bright and each of them have a few things that they have an aptitude for. I’m doing my best to balance out praising them for working hard and encouraging them to keep doing so while not pushing them to “be the best” just for the sake of achievement.
Pogo says
I feel your #1 and 2 so hard. Especially since not too long ago an exec at my company said to me: “You went to [big name, top ranked school]? Why aren’t you a VP yet?”
I think he was trying to be funny? But, ouch.
Anonymous says
I’m the anon above who dropped out (I later completed an online degree), and your 1a really speaks to my experience too. I went looking for the perfect, high-ranked university, and in retrospect I realize I probably would have been so much happier at my state school. But of course, State U was beneath me and my “potential.” I’m totally happy with how my life turned out, but man, I needed real talk so much when I was 17.
Anonymous says
This is how I plan to raise my children. My parents wanted me to do MY best but didn’t send me mixed messages that my best was somehow an objective standard (like getting straight As, getting the lead part, winning first place in track, graduating from an Ivey, etc.). For example, when I got my report card, I sat with them and we looked it over and they asked if I thought I had done as well as I could and asked where I thought I could improve and shared their own observations, but they didn’t tell me that because I didn’t have straight As I had fallen short. My mother was especially good at focusing on achievements outside of school, like friendships, taking on responsibility at home, becoming less self-conscious about my body, etc. Neither parent told me what activities to do, what to study, where to attend university. I want my children to be truly well-rounded, and not just in the way that looks good on college applications, because I think it leads to self-acceptance and true happiness.
FWIW, I graduated top of my class in high school, have 2 university degrees, a successful career and a very happy home life, so I don’t think there’s always a correlation between parents focusing on achievement and children actually achieving.
Anonymous says
I really like this approach.
Anonymous says
My parents never said “you have to get such and such grade or such and such SAT score” but I definitely had to work really hard and live up to my potential and my potential resulted in high grades and test scores and admission to a top college etc. I think if I hadn’t had the intellectual ability they would have understood and not been a-holes about the fact that I couldn’t get As in AP classes or whatever. But honestly, compared to most white people they were a bit “tiger parent-ish.” They were very loving, but school came first. I was discouraged from seeing friends or doing sports and was instead encouraged to focus on schoolwork. I think that most white American parents want their kids to be “happy” and as long as they are doing satisfactorily in school, then they want to see their kids out having (safe, parent-approved) fun. My parents were definitely not like that. I was allowed to see do non-school stuff but it was the very bottom of the priority list and I had to convince them that I had given school the time and attention it deserved before I could do anything else. DH was raised similarly and I think we’ll raise our kids the same – emphasizing that they have to work really hard at school and live up to their own potential, but if their best is a B in an average kid class we love them just as much as if their best is an A in an honors class.
Anonymous says
I was raised to do my best and apply myself, but was never pressured to go after achievements for achievement’s sake, if that makes sense. I plan to raise my kids the same way.
avocado says
This is what we are trying to do with our daughter. In practical terms, right now this translates to an expectation of all As in school because so far, careless errors are the only way she gets less than an A. In her sport, it means that we expect her to be the hardest worker in practice, to act as a leader on her team, to be a good sport and a supportive teammate, to set specific personal goals for competitions that are unrelated to actual results, and to show resilience by recovering from setbacks in practice and in competition.
We are also trying to teach her to apply the appropriate amount of effort. This means not staying up late trying to get a silly busywork assignment perfect when 15 minutes of work would achieve the learning objective and it’s being graded on a pass-fail basis. I know a couple of teens who seem incapable of prioritizing and claim to be getting by on 3-5 hours of sleep a night during the school week. That’s just not sustainable and we do not want our kid to end up in that situation.
Anonymous says
Thank you for articulating this so well, this is exactly how I feel, but I couldn’t find the words! My son is a natural athlete and a fierce competitor, he gets horribly frustrated when he “fails” to achieve a result. What I want him to understand is that sportsmanship and diligent practice are the only things you can control in sports, and he needs to cultivate the mental/emotional strength to let the rest roll off.
avocado says
It really helps when the coach is on the same page. My daughter’s current coach is amazing. The kids are not allowed to set “goals with numbers.” The coach rewards effort and improvement and sets individual expectations for each kid based on their talents and needs. When my daughter had a big disappointment at one competition, she came running over to hug her and remind her of all the wonderful things she had achieved that day. She sees building character as her primary job. She is what educators call a “warm demander”–she has high expectations for each kid but is warm and encouraging and makes the kids believe that they really can do what she asks of them. This coaching style is unfortunately less common than it ought to be in the sport, and my daughter is so incredibly lucky.
Anon says
Highly recommend reading The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed by Jessica Lahey. An interesting perspective and good read!
lala says
Just adding to the pile of people who are striving to raise our kids to do their best, but not some objective standard of best. I saw a well regarded speaker recently who spoke a lot about how his parents required that he do his best, but never placed an object standard on “best”. He thought it was ideal because if you are always competing against someone or an objective standard, you will either fail to meet it, or meet it and think you can stop trying, even if it isn’t your best. This really resonated with me.
I hope my kids grow up to be nice people with self supporting normal jobs, and health relationships. That’s a lot to ask for, I know, but it feels attainable to me.
SC says
My parents had a “do your best” approach. I was pretty self-motivated academically, but my parents focused on me doing my best. They didn’t dictate what activities I did, but they were supportive (as in they paid, and drove me places) when I found things I liked or wanted to try…many times through childhood. They also focused on things like being a good, kind person–they didn’t accept attitude toward them, they asked what was going on when they heard about a friend being bullied in middle school, etc. They focused on multiple areas of success, including friendships.
One thing that stands out is that I lived in a middle-class suburb and had good friends in the neighborhood, but went went to a private, high-achieving high school. I had school friends and neighborhood friends, but looking back, the neighborhood friends were much less focused on academics and achievement in general and had much more balanced and normal lives–family obligations, part-time jobs, church, some extracurricular involvement but not as intense. Whenever school started to feel like a pressure cooker, I’d spend more time with the kids in the neighborhood, which allowed me to relax and think about what I really wanted to do.
I don’t think it has to be a particular type of neighborhood, but exposure to any more diverse environment is probably a healthy thing. Other friends I know had the same experience through church or temple, part-time or summer jobs, volunteer work, camp, sports, etc–although, obviously, any of these can be enclaves of wealth and privilege too.
IO says
I would highly recommend Shimi Kang’s The Dolphin Parent How to Raise Happy, Healthy and Self-Motivated Kids.
I work with kids in NYC and I see so many of them just crushed by the time they get to high school. They are going through the motions and doing lots of really unhealthy things. (Risky behaviors, drug use, medication abuse, etc.) It’s like elite cycling: no human could actually do this, but since someone is cheating everyone else has to cheat too.
I don’t actually think it’s a well-written book, but it’s a very important book.
BigLaw Sr Assoc says
I completely understand what you mean, and that is how we are raising our kids. A caveat though is that we are providing a lot of guidance to our older kids on what they need to achieve their goals. My oldest is 16, so we have been teaching him practical things about impact of student loan debt down the line, different paths with different majors, why SATs matter, why going to a reputable school matters (read-good quality like a good state school, not necessarily Standford), etc.
Mrs. Jones says
Yes, I’m trying to raise our son without that kind of pressure. I’m not sure how well it’s working, but I do think about it.
Mrs. Jones says
meant for CPA Lady above…
Anonymous says
I was raised that way, and most of the time, I really appreciate it. My parents expected me to do my best, but also emphasized that it was more important to be kind and well-rounded. Sometimes, I wonder if I’d have set higher goals if that had been drilled into me more, but frankly, I think I’m happier not feeling so wed to that sort of set of expectations.
Anonymous says
I wish I’d had the perspective to emphasize building relationships in addition to (maybe even a little in place of) getting good grades. Once you’re in your career, that makes a huge difference. And it definitely doesn’t come natural to me.
Infertility and Insurance says
After 6 unsuccessful months, i called and made our first appointment at a fertility specialist for later this week. I felt sad but hopeful. Now, i feel angry because i just learned that my insurance (through my multinational, s&p 500 employer) does not cover iui or ivf. Lovely.
Anonymous says
Ugh, I am sorry. Hugs.
octagon says
Hugs. Anecdata from my friend group, but coverage for IUI/IVF seems very spartan unless you are in a state that requires it. I’m sorry.
Ask the specialist how they deal with this — many have payment plans or cash discounts, or will code things as diagnostic (up to but not including the actual procedure) to make the most of insurance benefits.
Jeffiner says
Hugs. I’m doing my first round of IUI this month, and each appointment makes me feel sad.
My insurance doesn’t cover IUI either, but it did cover the blood tests and the contrast-dye uterus exam before we got to IUI. I was able to use my HSA for the copays for that part.
anon says
I had a rough night with my 2nd grader last night. He was so argumentative over the dumbest stuff. He had been doing it all day, and finally I snapped and completely lost my patience. Lots of yelling. We both apologized before bed, but I honestly cried myself to sleep because it got so ugly and that’s not the kind of parent I want to be. He’s an extremely hard-headed kid who also happens to have ADHD and he.just.doesn’t.quit sometimes, which is something we’ve been working on in therapy. Today I feel like I have an emotional hangover and just want to curl up and go to bed. DH wasn’t home during any of this and was completely useless when he got home and saw me crying. (Kid was asleep by this point.) His only response was, why didn’t you call me to come home? No hug, no comfort whatsoever, no reassurance that I didn’t completely suck.
I hate* everyone today.
*I hope this goes without saying, but of course I don’t actually hate my family. I would like to feel more loved and appreciated, though.
Anonymous says
I am so so sorry. I hope you can feel your feelings today and use that to get past them. And then, when you have more space, definitely talk to your husband about what you would have really needed/appreciated in that moment! You need to have each other’s backs; this sh!t is hard.
mascot says
I’ve got a rising second grader and man was he having a hard time this weekend. Lots of attitude and tears and frustration going on. So I get it.
And yeah, tell your husband what you need in these moments. It’s not that you need him to fix it or even stand with you when your kid is having a moment. You need him to give you a hug and remind you that you aren’t screwing this up and your kid is and will be fine.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry, that sounds rough. In case it is helpful, it sounds like your son is tremendously persistent, which will also serve him well as an adult. (If he doesn’t drive you to murder him first of course). I also find myself muttering to myself sometimes, I HATE EVERYONE.
Edna Mazur says
The fact that you feel this way means you are probably doing things pretty well. No one is the perfect parent 100% of the time and the fact that this is out of the ordinary enough to upset you, rather than the status quo, means you are probably rocking it the vast majority of the time. Feel all the things, treat yourself today, and keep doing your thing mama.
Anonymous says
+1 We all lose our patience and then regret it. Parenting is hard, and you sound like you are amazing. When I lose my patience and regret it, I ask myself what I could do better and come up with a plan for next time. it has really helped a lot.
NewMomAnon says
Hugs.
When I have a tough time like that with kiddo (who is, admittedly, much younger than your kiddo), I ask for a reset the next day. I’ll explain what I did wrong, how I was feeling when it happened, and how I’d like to behave and feel going forward. Sometimes it helps clear the air beyond an apology.
does this exist? says
Looking for an affordable bathing suit top (prefer not a tankini), that is not va-va-voom, would work for a DD/DDD, and has some support (soft cup or underwire). Under or around $40ish?? Looked at Lands End but wasn’t feeling any of their options.
Anonymous says
Athleta? You might be looking at over $40 unless you see something in your size on sale.
Anon in NYC says
+1. I just bought a few Athleta bathing suits, and really liked them. I have sometimes found that they have better sales in-store, so you might want to check out options online but physically go into a store because you may find the item you want on sale.
Anonymous says
Thanks! We have an Athleta store close so I will check that out.
CPA Lady says
Surprisingly, Target. A lot of their bikini tops have underwires and tie backs, so they are a lot more customizeable than the traditional small band small cup/big band big cup model with the snap clasp. I’m a 32DD and cried with joy when I realized they were tie backs (literally– I’m so used to paying $80 for bras and swim tops). They’re about $25 each too.
Anonymous says
Amazing! Thank you!! I am a 34DDD currently (I stopped nursing 8 months ago and somehow they are still changing) and I just don’t want to break the bank but I need something reasonable.
Cb says
Where do I get baby’s feet measured? Kiddo is starting to toddle and nursery requests shoes (can be soft soled). The shoes we got as gifts are way too small for my big foot and looking at target, I couldn’t tell
what might fit. I am in the US (SF bay – East bay) this week and thought I’d buy shoes in current size and a few sizes up whilst here and grandma is paying.
Anon in NYC says
Just go to a kids shoe store! Or a department store (my friend takes her kid to Nordstroms). You can find things to print out and DIY at home too.
K. says
Stride Rite in USA is good too–they should measure and size. Make sure the foot/shoe is measured/sized standing up b/c feet expand under the weight of standing. Give about a thumb’s width of growing room.
ElisaR says
we have a local kids shoe store in town. I would recommend a speciality shoe store because they seem to know what exact shoe is good for each type of foot (ie wide foot, high arch). I think Nordstrom probably does fittings too, but I found our locally owned kids shoe store very helpful. My son takes a different size in different brands (kind of like me!)
Blueberries says
In Palo Alto, Howard’s children’s shoe store. I imagine there are probably closer children’s shoe stores, though.
Marilla says
I think I printed out a little “shoe size” template for my kid and then ordered some Robeez to try. Much cheaper in the US, so smart to buy them while you’re there! You might want to scoop up some Stride Rites too for when he starts walking if they’re a good price there.
Anonymous says
I bought my LO’s first shoes at Converse and they have a shoe guide printed right on the box so I could just hold LO’s foot up to that.
Anonymous says
Go to Goldenbug in Rockridge. They’re awesome.
Anonymous says
Ladies – happy Monday. Taking a work trip to Portland, OR. May have some down time. Any food/drink recommendations? Best brunch spot? Already have voodoo, stumptown and Powell’s on my list. Will be there without kids. Thanks so much!
LHW says
I’m {very} newly pregnant and I’m curious at what point you have travel restrictions? Does it vary? The trip I am in question about would require two 2.5 hour flights there and back.
Anonymous says
Congrats! I’ve always heard the third trimester, as a general rule. But the start of the third trimester is 28 weeks, and I know plenty of people who fly after that point. Once you get into the late-30s week-wise, some airlines might start requiring doctors notes.
ElisaR says
It varies for each person, but I think the general rule of thumb is no flights after 32 weeks? Each doctor will be different and you have may have circumstances that could affect your decision.
Anonymous says
If you’re low-risk, the restriction varies by airline. Most do not allow you to fly after 35ish weeks, and so if you look huge, you have to have a note from your doc that says “LHW is my patient and she is 28 weeks gestation with a healthy, low-risk pregnancy blah blah”. But if you don’t have any specific health risks to you or the baby, there’s no real restriction. The airlines just don’t want you going into labor on the flight!
On the other hand, the restrictions do vary by the health risk you’re facing. I had placenta previa, which could have caused excessive bleeding that would be dangerous to me & baby if I were not near a hospital (like… over the atlantic). This resolved by some point in my pregnancy and I was allowed to travel after that. It was also a really low risk, but I didn’t want to chance it.
Anonymous says
Congrats! I don’t think you really have official restrictions in a low-risk singleton pregnancy. Maybe after 36 weeks or something like that. I wasn’t comfortable traveling after the point of viability (approx 25 weeks) except to cities where I had family or friends so I would have a support network and somewhere to stay if the baby was born and I had to live there for 3 months. I’ve posted this before but some friends of friends had a baby on a vacation to Hawaii around 28 weeks and ended up having to live there for months on end. It was insanely expensive and one of them ended up losing her job because she missed more than 12 weeks of work. So after seeing that, I’m probably more paranoid than most. In my third trimester I flew home to see my parents, but I didn’t take business trips to cities where I knew no one.
avocado says
Related to today’s pick, I tried out the Supergoop Defense Refresh SPF spray that goes on over makeup for mid-day SPF refreshes. I like the idea, but the product contains avobenzone and I have had bad luck with both oxybenzone and avobenzone staining my clothes yellow. Does anyone know of a similar product with no “benzones”?
avocado says
Sorry, that was supposed to be a separate thread.
lawsuited says
It varies by airline, but I think the MOST stringent airlines require a note after 28 weeks and no travel after 36 weeks.
Anonymous says
To echo others– it really shouldn’t be an issue until very late in your pregnancy unless you have some specific risk factor. That being said, do talk to your doctor because there are some precautions that you should take when flying while pregnant because you have a higher risk of blood clot than you do when you are not pregnant. Get up once an hour to walk around, drink plenty of water, and consider wearing compression socks.
TK says
I flew 3 times a week until 34 weeks. I had a super easy pregnancy, though, and flew often enough that I could always get a prime seat near a bathroom. It did get uncomfortable, and I couldn’t do any work on the plane because my belly went where the tray would go, but my doctor had no concerns health-wise.
LHW says
One more question…
Did you all drink caffeine your first trimester? Some places say 200mg a day is ok. Other say avoid caffeine your first trimester entirely.
EB0220 says
I drank one cup of coffee a day. Emily Oster reviews the data in Expecting Better (aka the best pregnancy book ever)!
Lana Del Raygun says
I drank a cup a day, which my nurse-midwives said was fine. And I drank way more than that on a road trip because I figured it was better than falling asleep and crashing!
Marilla says
Yes, although I may have skipped my daily coffee more days than usual due to nausea. By second trimester I was so tired I was probably drinking 2 cups a day 2x a week. Back to 1 per day now.
lsw says
I was/am a 1-2 cup a drinker only, but definitely did not drink it at all for large swaths of my pregnancy due to nausea. Green tea worked for me.
Anonymous says
My doctor said it was fine but I gave up regular coffee (while TTC so I wasn’t dealing with caffeine withdrawal while pregnant). I didn’t worry about caffeine in tea, decaf coffee and chocolate since it’s generally a much smaller amount.
Boston Legal Eagle says
+1 to Expecting Better. My doc said 1 cup of coffee is fine. Prior to pregnancy, I had 1 cup of coffee and 1-2 cups of tea per day, and since being pregnant, I’ve had about 2 cups of tea per day. First trimester nausea put me off of coffee, but I still need my caffeine!
Anon says
I kept it under 200 mg a day to start, and my regular OB and high-risk OB were OK with it. Sometime during my second trimester – I was getting monthly ultrasounds at that point for my high-risk factors, the ultrasound showed an irregular heartbeat, so they took me off all caffeine (including chocolate) and we didn’t see the irregularity again. Could have been normal 2nd trimester development or it could have been the caffeine – my high risk OB just said stop all of it to be safe given the ultrasound and that some babies are more sensitive to it than others. A lot of moms I know didn’t care for the taste of coffee, etc. while pregnant. I haven’t noticed a sensitivity to it while BFing (although I try to keep under 300 mg a day), so at least there’s that, because I haven’t slept through the night in 10 months. My next pregnancy I plan to take the same approach unless we see something similar on the ultrasound (and my doctors are OK with it).
Anonymous says
I love coffee and didn’t intend to stop drinking it during my pregnancy (per Expecting Better), but found that the caffeine made my heart race and I became very light headed. So I had to stop, and switched to 1 cup of decaf.
AwayEmily says
Whatever you decide (I was pretty lenient with caffeine, especially with baby #2), make sure to check the caffeine content of coffee when you order it out — some places really jack it up. I remember being annoyed that Dunkin Donuts switched to a much more caffeinated version halfway through my pregnancy.
+1 to the Oster book, for this and all “can I eat/drink/do this” questions.
GCA says
First pregnancy – I drank a small cup (8oz, home-brewed) each day, or a cup of tea, in first trimester. Second pregnancy…I couldn’t tolerate it at all for the whole first trimester. So. Much. Throwing up. Both pregnancies were/ are very boring otherwise (‘textbook’ is a word I keep hearing from midwife, ultrasound doctor, etc. Fingers crossed for the remaining 10ish weeks + labor and delivery this round).
Mrs. Jones says
Yes, but not as much as before PG.
Anonymous says
i drank a cup of tea each day. My doc said one serving of caffeine a day was fine (be it coffee, tea or soda).
Anonymous says
This doesn’t really make sense. The ‘serving’ of caffeine in each of these can be very different. Coffee is usually more than soda and both are usually way more than tea. A cup of coffee, especially cold brew, can be well over 200 mg. Tea is usually around 50 mg. So you could have two or three cups of tea and probably still be having less than someone who’s having one cup of coffee per day.
Anonymous says
This is very, very conservative and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. One can of soda only has about 30 mg of caffeine, which is far less than one serving of coffee.
Anonymous says
I am early in my 2nd trimester now. I abstained from coffee until about 8 weeks just because that is the period with the highest risk of miscarrying and I knew I wouldn’t want to option to blame caffeine if I did happen to have a miscarriage. I started periodically drinking some caffeine after 8 weeks and now at 15 weeks I drink about 150-200 mg per day. This happens to be more than a small cup of coffee– I usually get a medium iced soy latte as a pick me up for my pregnancy-fatigue in the afternoon, which has 150 mg of caffeine.
Anonymous says
I am apparently way less conservative than almost everyone else here. My large medical provider (Kaiser) ok’d 200 mg. I kept it to about that amount (large ish cup of coffee) into the second trimester, except for those weeks early on where it was too nauseating. I have kept it to two cups of coffee since then, probably more than 200 mg since they aren’t tiny cups. Doing my own research, there is some indication that a lot of coffee later on is correlated with lower birth weight. My older child was 8.5 lb so I am not particularly concerned about that. I do worry a little about unknown metabolic effects later in life, so I’m trying not to have more than 2 cups. That said, we are exposed to SO MANY chemicals all the time and so many different risk factors that I am choosing not to worry about it too much.
AwayEmily says
Posting late-ish to say thank you for whoever recommended airport pumping at an empty gate. I just did that before getting on my long flight — found a plug near a window, draped my scarf over the whole contraption, and settled in. It was SO much more civilized than being in a disgusting family bathroom while people pounded on the door to get in.
avocado says
Related to today’s pick, I tried out the Supergoop Defense Refresh SPF spray that goes on over makeup for mid-day SPF refreshes. I like the idea, but the product contains avobenzone and I have had bad luck with both oxybenzone and avobenzone staining my clothes yellow. Does anyone know of a similar product with no “benzones”?
lsw says
I’ve been curious about trying that product but I don’t like Supergoop. Following for any other recs!
Maternity SOS says
I know it’s late so I am cross-posting to the main site. I need a business professional maternity dress that I can wear to an event Wednesday. I just found out about this meeting and am unprepared, as my usual dress code is business casual and my maternity-wear is definitely on the more casual end. I am second trimester, but can no longer pull off the my-size-plus-one in regular clothes for the most part. I usually get my clothes online but since this is so late notice I think I need to go in person. Do you think Nordstrom will be my best bet?
J says
Can you dress up any of the dresses you might already have with a non-maternity blazer? That really helped me make some of my maternity stuff more formal. I had really good luck with Motherhood Maternity and Target dresses. I’d probably try to find something with the thought that I’d wear a non-maternity blazer over it for the big meeting and then go without for more casual days down the line. And remember, most people will give you a bit of a pass while you’re pregnant to be a little less formal. You’ll be awesome!
Infertility and Insurance says
Octagon – Thank You for mentioning states! Had not thought of that, but we live in MA. I am remote and my employer is in another state so not sure what governs – time to talk to insurance co and benefits group.
ER says
I drank 4-5 cups of coffee / day while pregnant. Babies are healthy. Biglaw deals don’t sign themselves.
ER says
For maternity SOS (replies don’t thread on phone)—-my local Nordstrom doesn’t carry maternity in store. Maybe you could order one day shipping? In my area (Silicon Valley) you would be hard pressed to get anything in store except at moms the word and maybe pea in a pod in the east bay.
Anonymous says
So I am autism spectrum and it seems as though the kidlet is also autism spectrum. Still a ways to go with diagnosis and he’s not a particularly severe or obvious case but obviously it’s a worry. TBH he’s actually doing better in terms of socialization, milestones and sensory issues than I did at his age so that is some comfort.
I’m wondering basically at what point people share this sort of thig with others. Personally I am in the closet as autism spectrum- no official diagnosis until after I finished law school and it’s not something I’m open about. In terms of benefiting from experience of other parents, support groups, other kids with autism as playmates etc- is there a point that I can share and not feel like I’m violating my kids privacy? And also should I come clean about myself?
Anonymous says
Just came across this post. I have no idea about your questions (I was diagnosed as on the spectrum in grad school; I don’t have kids). I am not at all open about it (in my experience, most people don’t “believe” in “labels” anyway, or assume they are self-fulfilling, and I don’t want to hear any of that). OTTH, people who know me well have noticed and commented on “the way I am,” so I assume I’m not 100% passing. Whether he has playdates with autism or not, he won’t be the only one he knows who is significantly “neuro-atypical,” and he’s diagnosed, so he has a lot going for him. Best wishes!