This was my oldest’s favorite teether and I’m happy to see it’s still available!
These teether keys have a varied, textured surface for soothing sore gums. Pop them into the fridge and the non-toxic gel will stay cool for more relief. They’re easy to hold and easy to clean — just some detergent and warm water.
Once teething is over, these will fulfill their fascination with keys.
Nuby’s Ice Gel Teether Keys start at $4.99 on Amazon.
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Anonymous says
I have had it with my family. They are all clingy, whiny, and obnoxious. I am in deep hot water at work because they won’t let me do my job. I can’t quit because my husband doesn’t want a SAH wife, even though he wants the lifestyle of a man with a SAH wife. The kids are weak, whiny brats who require way too much coddling. I am so done with the lot of them.
Cb says
Oh no, that sounds really hard!
Anonymous says
Wow I hope you can get some professional help.
Anonymous says
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you need to have a serious talk with your husband, and explain that something has to change here. Hopefully he can find a way to work with you to change things for the better! He may just need a wake up call to realize you’re actually really unhappy with how things are.
Jolene says
Do you have full time childcare? How is their behavior affecting your work this much? Can you get more paid help?
Anonanonanon says
This. Are you working full-time from home with multiple children in your home without childcare?
Anon says
+1 I’m confused about how your kids’ neediness is affecting your job unless you don’t have enough childcare.
Anonymous says
We are dealing with school issues + health issues that should be relatively minor. Husband is completely useless on both fronts and is also a hypochondriac who wants to take them to the ER for every little thing when the ped says it is not necessary and I am certain it would be counterproductive. He barges into the room where I am working 700 times a day to ask whether I’ve done various household tasks or whether the sick kid has eaten. When I order takeout because I’m exhausted and it’s the only thing the sick kid wants to eat he makes cracks about how I never cook anymore, then he obsessively monitors every bite the sick kid eats. I could go on.
Anonymous says
Can you work from somewhere outside your home?
Mary Moo Cow says
How can you get out of the house sometimes? Rent a remote work desk, go to a cafe, invent some meetings and turn your phone off just for 30 minutes? I recognize that DH could still and probably would call you 700 times, but maybe out of sight out of mind…
Is it possible his behavior is DH acting out his worry/stress/anxiety? Does he listen to other people? I have no experience here, but I would consider getting a meeting with your sick child’s care team just for you and DH so they can explain to him why ER visits are not necessary and what nutrition kiddo needs.
Anon says
That sounds like a husband problem, not a kid problem. I’m not saying the kid situation isn’t stressful but it doesn’t sound like it would be affecting your job this much except for your husband’s interruptions and nitpicking.
Anonanonanon says
If you have FMLA, take FMLA. They’ll be much more hesitant to put you on a PIP or fire you.
GCA says
Is he not a grown adult? Can he not cook? (I get that this is symptomatic of a larger husband pattern, and agree with 10:53 this is a husband problem & I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.) If possible I would try to get out of the house as much as possible, even if only one day a week, and specifically ask (not ‘let’ – if you leave it to him it will not get done, sadly) him to deal with household tasks and feeding for that day.
anon says
I can be a complete jerk about these things. How this usually goes down: I explain to whomever that I need to work. This is work time, not vacuum-the-carpet time or listen-to-you time. Interruptions keep happening. I repeat ad nauseum that this is work time and not interruption time. At the end of the day, I keep working because the work needs to get done. But what about dinner? Presumably, the person who spent their time asking me 700 questions is just as capable as I am of ordering takeout or cooking, and if it was so damn important to them that I get my work interrupted 700 times, they are presumably 100% okay with cooking dinner. Don’t want to be stuck cooking dinner? Let me get my s-t done during the day.
Anonymous says
+ a million to 11:10. This is what happens in my house too. My kids get home at 4:30 and I have at least an hour of work left, which stretches to 2 hours because it takes 2x as long to get things done with constant interruptions. If my office door is closed, I am not home. grrrr
Anon says
To the Anon at 11:18, the key is to let the consequences land on the person behaving badly. Men also have a really awful habit of not realising that things are a problem until they are explosively bad, because they think if your actions haven’t changed, it’s not a problem. (They often do not see words, no matter how many times told to them and how much frustration involved, as “action.”)
If DH wants to interrupt me thirty times during the day, the reality is that I still have work to get done. That means I work late, full stop. Let the chips fall where they may. Something in his world needs to change before he understands that it’s not okay. It’s not punitive; I’m not going to saddle him with extra chores for weeks; it’s just “interruptions -> work late -> screws up our family schedule in the evening.”
anon says
Just a guess here, but if they’re having difficulties at school, I can almost guarantee that Mom is fielding those calls, which are very, very disruptive. Speaking from painful experience here.
Anonymous says
Bingo. School + health problems.
anon says
I’m sorry. It’s a tough road, and other people really don’t get it unless they’re in it, too. This is why I get irrationally annoyed when people act like more childcare and outsourcing are the answers for everything. You can’t outsource this sh!t.
Anon says
Can you go on FMLA leave at work, at least part time? It’s applicable to childrens’ health issues (including mental health). If nothing else, it’s a good way to protect your job because most employers are very hesitant to fire someone on FMLA because of the possibility of a lawsuit.
anonamommy says
We dealt with something similar for nearly a year before I hit my limit. Now we have a system and have communicated it to the school: Call mom on even days and dad on odd days. The first time it happened to DH, he was upset because he had to shuffle things around at work. Dude…. I’ve been doing that for months. Welcome to the 21st century, if you want to say you are a modern man you need to act like it. (Our system works much better now.)
anon says
This is a really good idea. My roadblock isn’t my DH, who actually gets pretty irritated that they always call me first, but getting the school to consider calling DH when I’m unable to pick up right away.
Mary Moo Cow says
I am the one who fills out all the child-related forms, so guess whose phone number is given as the “call this person first?” Not mine!
Anonymous says
We don’t have “call this person first.” Just “mom cell” and “dad cell.” I write “CALL DAD FIRST” and they still call me.
Anonymous says
And when they have difficulty with homework they scream for mom, not dad.
anon says
I relate to this a little bit too much. Start first with the husband, and call him out on his BS. As far as the kids go, work on solving one problem at a time.
But mostly, all the empathy. This is a hard spot to be in.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Definitely talk to your husband. The kids are gonna kid and be whiny, obnoxious brats (developmentally appropriate) and work may or may not get it, but your husband needs to be your teammate in this. If he doesn’t, then couples counseling.
Mary Moo Cow says
If it helps, when I got home from school drop off this morning, I cried to DH because I’ve had it with my kids, too.
How can you give yourself some space this week? Hire a babysitter so you and DH can have dinner out? Hire a babysitter so you can stay late at work one night or get out of the house to do some catch-up this weekend? Have DH do drop off or pick up so you can get to work earlier or stay later? Then start thinking about what you can do next week and in the longer-term.
For the long term, my mom suggested setting a timer and having my needy older kid stay in her room or play in the backyard or her playroom for that time: start with 10 minutes, then 15, etc. until she learns she can do it. Be firm and keep in mind that you are helping them to develop the life skill of entertaining themselves. And while you are doing that, if you need to put a movie on and rage clean with headphones on and totally ignore them for 1.5 hours, that’s fine, too.
Anon says
I was put on Lexapro for PPD. My child is now about a year and a half and I would like to stay on the medication. Maybe I would like to eventually wean, but not interested in changing things up now. At what point do I change my prescriber from my ob/gyn to PCP, if at all?
Anonymous says
Your next annual physical
Anonymous says
I don’t think you need to unless you find it difficult to get the refills from your OB/GYN. But at your next PCP visit, you could ask for them to take over the prescription, and I’m sure it wouldn’t be a big deal. I’ve done it in the past. And good for you for identifying that it’s a good fit for you!
Boston Legal Eagle says
+1 My OB and PCP were in the same larger system, so each had all of my records. My PCP saw my prescription there and can now fill it herself.
Anonymous says
I’d just talk to your PCP about it at your next regularly scheduled appointment or when you need more refills, whichever comes first.
Help says
Okay this will out me if you know me in real life. Hiring a nanny. We have four kids ages 7, 5, 3, and 7 months. Most time will be with littles, some will be with all, I try to be around in evenings to help. Kids are well-behaved for the most part and if they like you, will be good for you. We interviewed a bunch and genuinely loved two candidates. Had both come in this weekend to trial sit the kids for a couple hours and both went well. I think one is clearly the candidate we should hire on paper and the other is the one our guts are all pushing us towards.
Nanny A: 28, has been working for a family for 4 years with five kids. Unhappy with that role (they didn’t pay vacations or time off? asked her to stay late a lot and she just got back from maternity leave and just realized she deserves better). She has a two month old but not worried about that – her mom watches the baby. Really nice. Maybe a bit more strict. Kids liked her. References all solid. Couldn’t really do overnights or travel with us (sometimes we take nanny with us on vacation for 1-2 weeks in summer – more of a covid thing but could see happening again)
Nanny B: 23, watched kids for a little over a year each for a couple years then moved to our city for the weather. Has a job right now but not enough hours. Does evening classes at a local community college, but feels up for longer days because honestly she needs the income. Very warm and calm demeanor. Everyone just really took to her. References all said they loved her but she wasn’t able to give me a reference she’d worked for for more than a year (and we didn’t go super far back). Could do overnights and travel with us. Really good with babies.
We should clearly hire A right? But kids preferred B, though said they’d be happy with either. I’d be happy having either in my house all day. We also feel guilty about even thinking of hiring B over A since there is genuinely nothing wrong with A – we thought she was definitely it until we met B. Both enthusiastic about the job.
Anonymous says
I think I’d take a chance on B, provided that she was giving up the part-time job. I don’t think the reference history is concerning; the only thing that would give me pause is that she’s the kind of person who would move without a job lined up “for the weather.”
Anonymous says
I have usually done best by trusting my gut.
Spirograph says
Agreed, go with your gut. I hired a nanny that was amazing on paper, came recommended by a friend, but that I didn’t *like* when I actually interviewed her. It did not work out well.
Anonymous says
This.
Cb says
Massive grain of salt that I haven’t hired a nanny before, but I think you like B and A shouldn’t have any trouble getting hired by another family? Like she might be less seasoned but could learn and grow with your family?
Anne-on says
Go with your gut. This person is essentially going to become part of your family ‘team’ and you want someone you click with. That being said – lay out your expectations on the non-child care stuff NOW – picking up around the house, laundry schedule, food prep, grocery runs, errands in general, any pet care, how much notice do you require for time off, how will you handle sick days, etc. The more you lay all of this out now, the less stress later on. Will you feel like you’re going overboard? Maybe a bit, but I’ve always framed it to our nanny (and au pairs prior) that this is for BOTH of us to be comfortable – you aren’t a mind reader and neither am I, so I want to be clear and upfront with our expectations so that I’m setting you up for success and ask them to do the same – are the kids melting down eating at one and you think they’d do better having lunch at 11:30 but you’re afraid to change the schedule? Speak up! Etc. etc.
Good luck!
Anonymous says
I’d hire B. Guts are typically right. Also, at 23, can you really expect longterm references?
anon says
I’d give the 23-year-old a chance.
Anon says
Yep trust your gut.
OP says
I love you all. That’s all. Thanks board!
Mary Moo Cow says
I laughed when I got to the end because I expected, “we should hire B, right?” I would go with Nanny B.
SC says
I would hire B. She sounds like a better fit for your family. It sounds like some of the reasons Nanny A is unhappy in her current job wouldn’t change with your family.
Anon says
Go with B. If A just had a baby, she may need time off for when her own kid gets too sick for grandma to handle. Plus B has the flexibility for overnights and travel.
I’m a super responsible adult with an excellent work history dating back to when I was 14, but at 23 I wouldn’t have been able to identify a job I’d done for more than a year – don’t count it against her if all other signs are otherwise positive.
Anon Lawyer says
I’d go with B too, because LW’s family clicked with her, but please do not suggest LW not hire a candidate because she is a mother. B
Anon says
+1000 “she just had a baby and may need time off” is hella discriminatory.
EB says
Just to tack on here with something not mentioned yet – we like hiring college students for after school work because they are SUPER flexible and willing to stay late, run a random errand, etc. I have found that the more experienced nannies guard their time more and aren’t as willing to stay late or do random things, which matters a lot to me (and may or may not be important to you).
Ann says
Ugh my long comment disappeared I think. It sent me to a captcha browser? Testing now.
anon says
Please tell me I’m not the only person struggling to get her family life back on track after the pandemic? We slid into some really bad habits, like too much screen time, that are proving difficult to break. I honestly don’t know what we would’ve done differently, though; we were in survival mode and screens were the only way to get a dang break. Also, there are only so many times you can play board games and puzzles before everyone starts going nutty. The kids are fighting us every step of the way on reducing screen time. Even fun things, like going out to eat, aren’t exactly fun yet because their skills have regressed and they have zero patience for waiting for food, after 2+ years of home cooking and takeout. We’re going on a short vacation this weekend, and I’m feeling more dread than excitement. Will we even have fun?
I’m not even touching the mental health aspects of all of this. Suffice to say, I am still not back to 100% and one of my kids developed a serious anxiety disorder during the pandemic. So there’s a lot of layers to this.
Cb says
Sarah from The Shubox did a screenfree month as a radical reset. It feels a bit extreme but might be worth some grumbles if things have gotten out of hand.
anon says
I took a tiny dip into this by declaring a screen Sabath on Sundays, and OMG the whining and moaning. It sort of made me want to double down and take it away like Shubox did, lol.
Anonymous says
That seems really excessive. Kids have been through a lot I don’t think a dramatic punishment is it.
Anon says
It probably depends on the ages of kid and what they use the screens for (keeping in touch with friends or mindlessly binging?) but as long as it’s replaced with other things I wouldn’t consider it a punishment; think of it like people who feel physically bad, aren’t sleeping well, etc after daily drinking through the holidays doing dry January. The difference might be that the parents are imposing the screen abstinence on their kids…but I do think there’s a way to involve kids at appropriate levels in making the rules and having it be a whole-family commitment
EDAnon says
We reduced TV to just Friday nights. It’s worked really well. We already had a rule limiting video game time so this made sense to the kids. We break the rule for road trips and school closures due to Covid/illness. They have no problem snapping back to routine when the time comes. It has worked amazingly well.
Mary Moo Cow says
You definitely are not alone. I think, unfortunately, the only way out is through. Just take baby steps and try to remember that baby steps are still steps towards your goal.
I hope everyone pleasantly surprises you this weekend with cooperation and enthusiasm: maybe the novelty of being out of the house will cheer everyone up? Unsolicited advice: try to say yes and surprise and delight when you can. For me, that means saying yes to another serving of ice cream, yes to that toy even though they have too many at home, etc. I don’t know how old your kids are, but if you’re driving, maybe try audiobooks for half the trip before screens. My kids are almost 5 and almost 7 and we all enjoyed the Ivy & Bean books on our road trip this month.
Spirograph says
You’re definitely not alone. We fight all the screen time battles in my house, too. My husband is as bad an offender as my kids, and makes it even harder. Don’t bring portable screens on your vacation; everyone finds other ways to have fun if they don’t have screens as an option, but if the screens are there, we have to fight about it.
Anyway, I’m not sure how old your kids are, but what’s working-ish for us:
– Strict windows when screen time is allowed. Don’t bother asking outside of those windows. (eg, NEVER before school, between 10am and 5pm on weekends, or after 7pm unless it’s a family movie night)
– Strict requirements to earn screen time. No screens if you haven’t practiced your piano lesson and finished your homework, if your bed is unmade, family room is messy, or backpack/lunchbox/coat are not put away.
– Never without asking, in general. We have passwords on each of the kids’ computers. Sometimes they know the password, but if we see them on the computer without permission (or if they don’t log off the first time we tell them to when it’s dinnertime or whatever), it gets changed and they have to earn that back. I wish I could do this with my husband’s computer, but alas, I’m not the boss of him.
Anon says
+1 on the clear limits for screen time. My kids will occasionally half-heartedly ask at other times, but they easily accept my no and move on. My kids are still young, but we do no screens on M-Th during the school year, and on weekends they are allowed to watch for most of the morning and then again after 6pm. We also limit tablet/video games to 1, maybe 2, weekend evenings. Honestly, even this is feeling like too much sometimes (I can see a huge improvement in attitudes when we cut back further!) but this is where we are. We do no screens in the car, in public, etc, but I did get my boys MP3 players and loaded them with music which they love. If your kids are older, maybe bring them into the discussion of limits and allow them to have some say (even if it ends up being a little more than “ideal”)?
I know screen time is just one part of a bigger situation, and sometimes it feels like the hardest/last thing I want to tackle, but I’ve found getting that in order helps behavior improve in all areas – plus it gives me a kick in the pants to connect more with my kids, which is hard but we all really need it
Cb says
Yeah, we occasionally do 30 minutes of TV on a weeknight, but that’s pretty rare after we found my son got really grouchy about turning it off. Same with tablet time, there is something about it that really makes him grumpy. On the weekends, we do screentime after quiet time, so typically from 3:30/4:00 to dinner, and it gives us a solid break and he doesn’t ask outwith those times.
SC says
We’re also fighting screen time battles.
– We allow screens in the car on any road trip over 1 hour. But once we get to our destination, screens go away. Kiddo knows that ahead of time.
– At home, predictability is key for our Kiddo. We do best when he knows what he has to do before screen time, when he will get it, and what the limit is. We actually get more meltdowns when we try to be nice and give him extra time.
– Have alternative, relaxing, quiet activities available that your kids can use to regulate. Mine does well with puzzles and long baths, but other kids may prefer coloring or reading or something else. You may need to direct them to these activities instead of screen time and talk about downtime.
Anon says
Vacation will be fun, I promise! Just don’t bring (or keep tucked away) the screens and no one will even notice because there is a new place and fun things to do and new scenery, particularly if you are able to be out and about doing activities. I recently did a solo trip with DD and she only asked for her screens at night. For eating out, my tip is to go when they are not yet hungry and if they are hungry, get bread or another appetizer or the kids meal out ASAP even if adult meals aren’t ready in order to avoid the meltdown. I also meltdown when I am starving (and go from not at all hungry to raging HANGRY in the blink of an eye) so I am sympathetic!
Permission from this internet stranger to either not fight the screen time battle or pick other battles first. You are (we all are) still recovering. I will tell you that if your kids are otherwise developing normally and it is not causing issues, I personally wouldn’t fight the screen time. Call me a rebel (or a terrible parent) but we have no screen time limits in our house (DD is 4.5). It is not affecting her behavior or development as far as I can tell and so I have no wish to fight that battle (and in fact I am impressed by all of the things she has learned). I care much more about content than quantity, so those are the battles I do fight.
Anon says
+1 to all this. We traveled a bit last year, but did our first “real” post-pandemic vacation (flying, a full week, not for the purpose of visiting family) last month and it went surprisingly well. My DD is also 4 and we allowed her to have screens in the evenings at the hotel when she asked, but we were screen free at restaurants and while out doing stuff. Ice cream helped when she got bored or tired of walking. We always get bread ASAP in restaurants so she has something to eat while waiting for the entree.
PS. Where did you go on your solo trip? I want to take my daughter on a solo trip this fall and am looking for inspiration.
Anon says
We took a drive (4ish hours) and went to Virginia Beach for 4 days. I had not been in 20+ years. Weather was not optimal, but we had fun breaking up the days between all the restaurant patios, the hotel pool, science museum, boat ride, walks on the beach for shells and actual me sitting on the beach relaxing while she played.
If I were doing a solo trip with her in the fall, I would do something like Charlottesville (or a small new england town) where there is apple picking, lots of pretty leaves, wineries or breweries for her to run around in, lots of outdoor dining and pick a hotel with a pool, since that seems to be one of the highlights.
Anon says
Sounds fun!
So Anon says
You are most definitely not alone. My house has slid into some difficult behaviors, myself included. I have a different stance on screen time, which would shock most (no limits for my autistic kid), so I’ll skip that part. I feel like the last two years, I kept turning more and more inward, to the point that I felt almost like a turtle and was scared to stick my head out of my shell even a little bit. Looking back, there is nothing that I would do differently, but I can see that it is time to start living a bit more. I just took my kids on a trip out west to visit the national parks. It was a TON of work between planning, packing and cooking due to Celiac’s, but it was the change in scenery and perspective that I desperately needed. It felt like a mark in the sand and a change of course. I read something recently on working parent . com about marking endings and beginnings, and I decided that this trip was a marker for us. I know that Covid is not over, but it helped me to take stock and look back and be proud that we made it through the last two years (three with the divorce). The article also talked about being proud of your accomplishments and realizing what you do and do not have control over. For me, there is nothing like a mountain hike to feel both of those things.
I know that not everyone can get away for a week, but it really helped me to put down my day-to-day grind (except for cooking) and focus on enjoying my time with my kids and the scenery. I also built into the trip things that I enjoyed and am passionate about, even though my kids groaned. It helped rekindle some of the things I love and I feel so much lighter, even though I am staring at an burgeoning inbox.
Anon says
yes, and the evening classes at the college – does she plan on keeping them in the evening? i have a friend with a nanny who she loves, but ended up having a daytime class, which they were able to make work with their schedule, but just some food for thought.
anon says
What are your favorite swimsuits for going to a waterpark or Great Wolf Lodge-type place? The last time I wore a one-piece, I regretted it. Such a hassle for going to the bathroom and there were um, slide wedgies. I like to be an active participant in the waterpark experience, lol. It seems like this would be a good time for boyshort bottoms but I’ve yet to find a pair that’s comfortable on my pear shape/doesn’t ride up on the legs.
Scilady says
So regarding the bathroom breaks, remember you don’t have to take the suit completely off. If you just pull the cr*ch to the side, you can pee without problems.
Anonymous says
+1 it sounds weird, but it was amazing when I figured this out!
Anon says
Outdoors – athletic shorts and a long sleeved rash guard for sun protection.
Indoors – sporty bikini with a top that stays in place well.
Cheers to being active water park participants! I think I like waterpark more than my kids do.
Spirograph says
Not necessarily for Great Wolf Lodge, since I’m pretty sure that’s indoors, but my favorite outdoor swimsuits are the “sunsuits” from Waterlust. They have sleeves and a high neck and zip up the back, the prints are interesting & flattering, and I like the company’s mission.
I’ve accepted that boy shorts don’t work on my body (also pear shape). They ride up in weird places and are less flattering and less comfortable than regular bikini bottoms. I have lap swimming 2-pieces that are fine at indoor water parks… but like someone else said, just pull the cr*tch aside for bathroom breaks! I never take off a wet one-piece unless I’m done swimming and about to get in the shower.
anon says
Athleta! I have swim shorts and a tankini top from them that I really like.
Anonymous says
I typically do a one piece (slide to the side for bathroom breaks) with a long sleeved rash guard. I get SO COLD in indoor water parks. Even though they’re warm, there is always air blowing on me and no sun. The long sleeved rash guard helps keep me warmer.
Anonymous says
I find the opposite–rashguards make me cold indoors because they are another layer of cold wet fabric for the breeze to blow on. Skin dries faster than fabric.
Anon says
Same.
Anonymous says
I’ve heard that and expected it. But the material on mine (a very old Old Navy one) seems to hold in heat. It would probably be awful in the sun, lol.
Anon says
Lands End Tankini top, high waist bottoms and some quick dry board shorts I found there (I can vouch for both the 5″ just shorts or the 4″ with the attached bike shorts). If in the sun I add a long sleeve rashguard, but I find the wet long-sleeve fabric too chilly indoors.
Anonanonanon says
Swimsuit bottom, long sleeved rashguard on top.
Anon says
Can we talk about chores/household responsibilities for preschool age kids? We were at an OT appointment the other day and the OT asked my 4 year old to carry her plate to the sink after eating and said something like “Just like you do at home” and my daughter cheerfully responded “I don’t have to do that at home!” which is….accurate. So that was kind of embarrassing. 3 was such a tough age that we sort of gave up on everything that wasn’t essential, but so far 4 has been a lot better (knock on wood) and we’re probably overdue for expecting more in terms of chores.
SC says
When my son was in preschool, we asked him to unload the flatware from the dishwasher and feed the cat. We also tried to involve him in various household activities–cooking, sweeping or mopping the floor, wiping baseboards, loading laundry–but only with us, not as independent responsibilities. Preschool is a great time to get them involved in those activities because the enthusiasm really wears off around age 6.
We still don’t ask my son to clear his plate after dinner. It seems like a good idea, but often I need to unload the dishwasher or clear space so there’s a place to put that plate. I do that and then load the dishwasher while DH helps get Kiddo with his absurdly long evening routine.
Cb says
We need to work on this as well. My son (4) is super helpful when asked to do something but doesn’t have a ton of formal responsibilities and generally cooperative about getting out the door. But there isn’t a ton of time between getting home, dinner, and bed to work on stuff. He did help my husband wash the car this weekend. And I asked him to clean up this weekend with the threat that anything left out after he went to bed was going in a timeout box.
Honestly, the biggest game changer would be consistently getting himself dressed and undressed. He told me when he was 4.75 he would (so next week).
Anonymous says
We’re not as consistent about chores as we should be, but generally have the expectation that you help when you’re asked. Plate-clearing is not a routine part of being excused from dinner, because our dining room kitchen set-up is hard to maneuver when people are still at the table, and there’s not a lot of counter space by the sink/dishwasher. Anyway, recently, my 5 year old was trying to be helpful and clearing his plate when he accidentally dropped it on the tile floor in the kitchen and it broke into many pieces. It was so not a big deal, the spaghetti sauce didn’t even get on the rug! DH and I kind of paused and said “oops, be careful, we’ll clean that up in a minute” and continued our conversation. 5 year old took one look at the mess, burst into tears and said “NOW EVERYONE HATES ME!!!!” and ran up to his room. It took a long time to calm him down, poor kid. So yeah, chores have their downsides. :)
Anon says
Aww poor kiddo!
Jolene says
That was pretty presumptuous of the OT honestly. My kids definitely didn’t clear their own plates when they were 4 years old. Heck, we rarely managed to eat dinner as a family at the table. Don’t let that make you feel bad.
Anonymous says
This. I have a 5 year old and two 14 month olds. Look, teaching the oldest how to do chores properly creates a h3ll of a lot more work for me rn. I am working on it, but it’s pretty slow going and I don’t always enforce because I am TIRED. We recently started making him take his plate from table to sink, he has to put his dirty laundry in the hamper, and TBH that’s about it. He must clean up toys once a week. Sometimes I have him put away clean laundry. He occasionally helps load the dishwasher and he helps put soap in the washer but only because he thinks that’s fun. I just don’t have the bandwidth to care about chores rn. We will work on them eventually.
NYCer says
+1. Was going to say definitely do not be embarrassed! I would wager a bet that most 4 year olds don’t clear their plates after dinner.
Anonymous says
I think they key is making her responsible for *something.* Figure out what is most realistic given your child’s capabilities, your schedule, and the setup of your home. For us taking dishes to the sink was not realistic at that age because kiddo was too short. We had her wipe baseboards and put away her (already folded) clothes.
AwayEmily says
Yes, agree. I think of chores as being in three categories (our kids are four and six)
1) Everyday required — for us these are clearing their plates and hanging up their coat when they come inside. We just reminded them constantly/enforced if necessary and now it is a habit and they do it without thinking. I should probably add more to this list now that they’re older.
2) Sporadic requested but not required — I’ll often ASK the kids to help with specific chores (mopping, putting away dishes, folding laundry) but don’t require it. I’d say they say yes about 75% of the time.
3) Sporadic required — Non-every-day tasks the kids HAVE to help with/do or there will be consequences (usually less time to do whatever fun thing comes next). For example: cleaning up their room, cleaning a mess they made (eg spilled food).
CCLA says
I’d say ours fall into roughly the same breakdown, and kids are similar age (3.5/5.5). Everyday required is: bussing dishes to the counter/sink, putting away socks/shoes/masks/lunchboxes/other crap from school when home from preschool. I’m sure there’s other stuff I’m forgetting but mostly it’s basic cleaning up after themselves as individuals, not like chores for the benefit of the whole house, though I think the older one would be ready for some more responsibility. We require they tidy up if they’ve built a fort in the living room or the like, but don’t make them clean the playroom 100% every day. The older one sorts and folds and puts away her laundry, younger one we are working on that but she does OK.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Same same, at least on 1. My older one is so used to clearing his plate now, because we’ve asked him to do it repeatedly for the last year or (note, we didn’t start this until he was a little over 5). Younger one (3.5) will probably get there closer to 4. Putting coats away is still a work in progress, but I’m sure once it becomes routine, they’ll do it. We sometimes ask them to put toys away, especially if they’ve abandoned one thing in favor of something else, but it’s not mandatory. I’m very particular about folding their clothes and putting them away, so I don’t ask them to do it, but that’s on me. I’m not sure how they would help with unloading the dishwasher as all of our cabinets are too high up.
AwayEmily says
Me too about folding — I do Kondo style and their well-organized drawers give me so much joy that I’d rather not have them do it. I do have them SORT the laundry sometimes, and they are allowed to put away pajamas since those aren’t folded.
GCA says
6yo sweeps the dining room after dinner, particularly under the table. Has this deterred him from creating a hideous mess during dinner?…no!
3.5yo is more of a neat freak about her stuff. We ask her to carry her own plate and utensils to the counter after dinner. She often helps load/unload dishwasher and puts clothes in laundry basket/ into washer.
We do expect them to tidy up (heavily supervised) all toys before bed; toys and books that are not put back on their shelves get a vacation from kids for a few days.
Mary Moo Cow says
We only started when my younger kid was 4 and older kid was 6. They have 4 chores per day: clear plates after every meal (and that includes scraping the food into the trash can, unless it’s going to make a big mess), hang up backpacks and coats, put shoes away on the rack, and put clothes in the hamper. I even paid an absurd amount for cute chore charts to hang on the fridge and created a sticker reward chart. Compliance has gone from about 10% to 80% over 6 months. It is a slog. (Doesn’t help that once, in a rage clean, DH scooped up the charts with all the other child detritus and almost threw them away. Not helpful.)
Anon says
I am a major chore slacker, but I recently gave my 4-year-old the task of cleaning up all the errant socks and shoes scattered about the main floor. I usually remind him to do it before dinner, and he lines up the shoes in the entryway and brings the socks to the laundry. It’s like 5 minutes of work, he feels accomplished, and I like not seeing inside out socks everywhere
Anon says
my twins are almost 4 and i probably should have them do this, but don’t because one of them who is in OT would probably spill everything (and yes i realize this would help her, but i dont always have time to clean up plates of food on the floor) and then she would get upset because her sister can do it and she can’t. they put away their shoes/socks when they get home, clean up their toys (some of the time), and put their clothes in the hamper. i consider it a work in progress.
Anon says
My 4.5YO doesn’t have formal assigned chores, but we do talk about being helpful and she is required to help when I ask her to (which often depends on how quickly I need something done), and there are certain things she knows she has to do:
Must do and is a habit:
– Plates (plastic) go in the sink when she is done (after scraping into the trash first); any “real” dishes are left by sink for me to handle.
– Throws away her own trash and recycles if appropriate.
– Dirty clothes and dirty towels go in the respective hamper.
Often required and always complained about:
-Picking up her toys. This usually happens every few days depending on parental energy levels for the battle and how terrible the disaster zone is (SAHD has much higher tolerance than me for kid mess everywhere). Always happens on Monday night before the housekeepers come Tuesdays, but I often try to do a big pickup on Friday and again on Sunday. We are trying a “must put thing 1 away before taking out thing 2” with some success but remains a work in progress. Full day K starts in the fall and my house will be so much cleaner when she isn’t home most of the time!
– Putting her already folded clothes away (into a dresser she can reach).
Sometimes requested and loves to do:
-Unloading the dishwasher (handing me things), except she can independently sort the silverware
– Sorting laundry (whites, pinks and darks) and putting things in the washer and taking them out of the dryer and cleaning the lint trap.
– Unpacking groceries
– helping prep dinner
– swiffer dusting back when we had our year without housekeepers during peak covid
Anon says
Mine only started clearing their plates when we realized they were doing it at daycare so could obviously do it at home. It totally hadn’t occurred to us as an option before then!
At 4, my twins were responsible for clearing their own dishes after meals, putting things away when they come home from school (shoes in their box, coat on the hook, backpack on the shelf, lunchbox and water bottle in the kitchen), setting the table for dinner, and putting away their books and toys every night. We’re working on getting them to put away their own laundry, but that still requires a parent to sit with them and coach them through the steps.
Anonymous says
Preschool the daily expectations are pretty minimal – clear plate after meals (with my second child this requires reminding still at every meal at 3.5) and put shoes in cubby. And help clean up spills they make. Otherwise we involve them as much as possible in family work (laundry, dishes, yard work, gardening , cleaning). We don’t do required chores until a little older. We do start teaching them to do a lot of cooking but don’t have them use the stove independently until more like 6-7.
Anom says
I’ve been so burnt out… so I took a weekend and did something for myself with a group of moms I know. Mostly outside but in the car a good bit together. Everybody vax’d and boosted.
We’ve also got a family trip coming up next week… a big one. Pre-planned ages ago.
Last night (22 hours after I saw her), one of the women tested positive for Covid on a rapid. I am so mad at myself… now I will likely be the one to ruin our trip. I feel so guilty… like I’m being punished for being selfish.
Cb says
You aren’t selfish – it’s normal and necessary to have social connections, and you were as safe as possible, followed all guidelines.
Would you find some anecdata reassuring? We spent Thursday – Monday AM in a house with my dad, who tested positive for Covid on Monday morning. We’re in the UK so assume it was the most contagious new variant. We rapid tested and abandoned poor dad in a hotel for a week, jumped a train home, and tested every day. And 8 days later, none of us have tested positive! Not even my mom or my unvaccinated son.
So you’re not necessarily doomed.
Anom says
Thank you. I need to keep hearing these.
Cb says
Honestly, we’re still a bit shocked. My dad started feeling rubbish whilst he was putting my son to bed (which requires lots of face to face, close proximity chats… happy thoughts, a song, a cuddle). We tested every day before nursery and kept expecting to see the double lines.
Spirograph says
More reassuring anecdata: We spent a week with my dad over spring break. He went home on Sunday night, called on Tuesday afternoon to say that he had tested positive on a rapid test. No one else got it. Granted, my husband and I had covid, ourselves, back in December, but none of the kids caught it then or from my dad.
+1 that getting covid is a not a moral failing, and you were not selfish. If you are vax’d and boosted, I wouldn’t worry too much. Fingers crossed for you that it doesn’t impact your trip!
Anon says
That’s kind of amazing. You’re the only people I know who had such a close contact and didn’t get it — maybe you have superimmunity!
Anonymous says
Omg stop it. Getting Covid is not a moral failing. You did not do something selfish. Fingers crossed you don’t get Covid and also it’s only Tuesday! I would start wearing a mask at home now though to hopefully avoid any spread.
Anonymous says
My daughter was literally rolling around with her friend and friend tested positive the next day. Daughter never got it.
anon says
More anecdotes …my husband and I both got Covid at 2 different times and my unvaccinated 3 year never got it either time despite obviously constant exposure
Iris says
Any recs for a balancing type of shampoo for a tween? My 10 year old’s hair (glossy, very straight, darker brown, lots of it) is somehow different enough from mine (sort of fluffy, blonde), that I am officially stumped. She’s shampooing about 2-3x a week, and contrary to all of my instincts, I am wondering if more shampooing would actually be better? I think it gets greasier faster than mine, yet also seems confounding harder to brush, given the much smoother texture. Anyone with her hair that has recommendations? Seems to be a stage where kid shampoos don’t quite cut it, but the adult shampoos I would use also aren’t ideal.
Anonymous says
For fine, greasy hair, we have had the best luck shampooing daily with cheapo Suave.
Spirograph says
My hair is similar to how you’ve described your daughter’s, and I’ve used all the mainstream brands at various points and don’t see much difference among them… but I need to shampoo 3-4 times a week and use conditioner. It might also be a technique thing? For shampoo, I focus on my scalp and just let it rinse down to the ends rather than lathering everything together. Conditioner’s the opposite, I kinda start by my ears and apply it the rest of the way down, leaving the top of my head alone.
Anon says
Yep, my hair dresser told me to rub shampoo into the scalp and not worry about the rest of the hair, and to put conditioner in the hair at the ends and work up to about the ears leaving the scalp area alone.
Anonymous says
I’d try shampooing twice – lather, rinse, repeat as they say for a few weeks to see if that helps. I have very similar hair and wash it twice per week week this way.
Anon says
My super fine but lots of it hair requires daily shampooing to not be a grease-bomb, and I sit at a desk all day. I can maybe go 36 hours if I had to but it’s not pretty. I use good conditioner (but fully rinsed out) so as to not dry it out, which also helps with the tangling and brushing.
Anonymous says
Thanks for the responses. I do repeat the “shampoo the scalp, conditioner only on the lower half” thing ad naseam. I didn’t really used to believe people that insisted that they needed to shampoo more frequently — like an a**hole, I always assumed that the more shampooing was a positive feedback cycle they were perpetuating. My other daughter’s hair is much more like mine, so experiencing the difference now is rather humbling.
GCA says
I have hair like your daughter’s, and I think it’s not necessarily a question of more shampooing but of what shampoo she uses. Look for one designed to give volume to straight hair, or a clarifying shampoo. I like Pantene’s volumizing shampoo and conditioner.
Anonymous says
For this hair type, I have had bad experiences with sulfate-free shampoos. The sulfates seem to break down the oil so much better.
anon says
Yes, agree. I accidentally used some sulfate-free stuff the other day, and it left my hair feeling very unclean and gross. Some of us need SLS, and we need it pretty frequently. FWIW, I have hair like the OP’s daughter. Fine, but lots of it.