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Houndstooth is one of my favorite fall prints and I’m always on the hunt for new pieces each season.
This midi-flowy dress from Ann Taylor might be what I’m looking for. I love how the fluid drape softens this traditional print. The “plum-rose” color is also a fun, distinctive twist. This dress features a mock neck, cap sleeves, and shoulder pleats. And unlike most machine-washable dresses, it’s lined!
I’d pair it with a pair of tall boots as pictured and a boucle jacket for some contrasting texture.
Ann Taylor’s Houndstooth Blouson Flare Dress is $149 (but be on the lookout for sales) and available in regular sizes 00–8 (with larger sizes sold out) and petite sizes 00–12.
This Calvin Klein dress (2–16; $89.98) and this Jessica London dress (12–28; $38.70–$51.33) are two lower-priced options in houndstooth.
Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear.
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
anon4this says
Question of the day – are you/your spouse getting life insurance, and how much?
Leatty says
Yes. DH and I each have $750k for 25 year terms that we bought when our youngest was born. We opted for a longer term so that both of our kids would be covered if we passed before they graduated from college. Our income has since gone up quite a bit, so we should increase it, but DH has developed some health issues that would make this prohibitively expensive.
Anonymous says
This is what we have. Enough to pay off the remainder of the mortgage, pay for college, and provide a small cushion for the survivor.
Anonymous says
Not just to pay off the house, but for a significant nanny expense since we are both working parents and solo parenting when we have no local family and at least used to travel / work evenings is pretty impossible for decades.
Anonymous says
This is a very good point. We both have very little overnight work travel, and we do have local family, so this wasn’t as much of a budgeting consideration for us as it would be for others (for us, it’s easily included in the “small cushion for the survivor”).
anne-on says
Yes, this. We each have roughly $1MM that are longer term (I’d have to check but I think 25 years?). It was means to be able to pay off our house, replace the lost spouses income for some time, and ensure continuity of private school through college/college itself. At the time I didn’t have ADD or life insurance through work, I do now, so our overall coverage is slightly higher.
We both signed up before 40 and got good rates, though FYI that my anxiety meds spiked my rates which I’m still annoyed about.
Anon says
Yes. We both have it in differing amounts. We both have term policies.
Anonymous says
Yes. We both have policies around $500k. We worked with both our insurance rep and financial planner to land on the amount.
anon says
Yes. I don’t remember exact amounts, but you definitely should both have it. I did mine through Ladder and it was easy as advertised.
Anonymous says
DH makes~$250k/year and I make $100k working part time. I could make $250k-$300k in a full time role.
DH has 3x salary through work and $2M
in life insurance. I have $1.5M.
It would take $550k to pay off our mortgage on a house worth $900-1.2M and we have 3 kids to put through college (in some part) who are 3/5/7 now. We have $300k saved for college and about $1M in retirement and are just under 40.
It feels like I should have more but I got it when already pregnant and didn’t want to have to do a medical exam.
We wanted to be able to cover the mortgage + 1 year of not working at all for the surviving spouse + 10 years of working at a reduced rate/easier job (~150-200k/year).
Anon says
a part time gig at 100k – wow
Anonymous says
Yeah, but it’s contract work. So more taxes, no benefits, etc. but it works well with our lifestyle as long as DH gets the benefits ;)
Anony says
Yes, my husband has $1 million and I have $600k in term life insurance. I didn’t get as much insurance because I have more savings and would also generate a higher social security payout, since I’ve been working longer.
Anon says
I have $500K coverage through my work, which that plus cash on hand would be enough to payoff the mortgage with a decent cushion to spare. DH is by trade a lawyer, currently a SAHD. He has a similar amount in investment accounts (separate from our retirement) which is essentially his self-insured policy.
Anon says
We both have them and got the max available to us, a few million each. We used the guidance of our fee based financial planner. We can always dial back later but we’re mid 30s and in the middle of our most expensive period of life. Income replacement + more for comfort for the benefit of the surviving spouse was important to us, and we can afford the premium, so we went for it.
Spirograph says
Absolutely. Each of us has a multiple of salary through work, and we independently purchased $1 million coverage each for a 20 year term when I was pregnant with #1. We now have 3 kids ages 5-9, and this is on the list to revisit with our financial planner. The general idea was that we don’t want money to be a thing anyone worries about in the event of a death. While we have other investments, we didn’t want to be forced to liquidate those on an arbitrary time horizon.
Quick note on the medical exam — for me, this was a very quick, easy thing where a nurse came to our house one morning, checked weight and drew blood. I did it when I was 6 or 7 months pregnant so my weight was… not representative of my actual health, but it didn’t impact coverage or pricing.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We each have term life policies of 20 years for $1 million each. We make similar amounts, live in a HCOL area and have two small kids. Premiums are about $800-900/yr each, although we’ve been told we could get lower amounts, just haven’t changed yet (I got mine when pregnant).
Boston Legal Eagle says
Oh and we have some from work too, 2 or 3x salary or similar.
Anonforthis says
We don’t. We’ve paid off our mortgage and have a nice nest egg that easily could cover our expenses for several years. I understand why insurance is important for many but don’t see the point when you get to a certain amount of savings.
Anonymous says
Unless your savings are in cash, the point is that you could be forced to sell in a market dip.
Anon says
+1
anon says
Also, not to be too morbid here, but catastrophic or long-term injuries/illness (like cancer) can deplete saving fast. And once you’re sick, you likely can’t get insurance. And, if one spouse is injured/ill/dead, the other’s expenses will likely increase (more childcare costs, etc.). Just a thought.
Anonymous says
This is a really great point. I remember my OB telling me that if he hadn’t fully recovered from his brain aneurysm, it would have been better for his family financially if he’d just died because he was not adequately insured for being unable to work, let alone for the long-term care he might have needed.
Anon4this says
Yes, both DH and I have life insurance. 2 very young kids and household income that ranges from about $1- $2 million depending on bonuses / partnership allocation. We both work full time. We each have approximately $5 million in total coverage and its a mix of coverage through work and additional policies that step down over time to about $2.5 million in coverage as we head towards 50. We are in late 30s /early 40s now. It is definitely a lot of coverage, but we wanted to be able to pay off our mortgage (about $1 million now in our VHCOL area), finish fully funding college accounts for both kids, and allow the surviving spouse to step back very significantly at work. Because of significant education debt (all paid off now) we are a bit behind on college savings and retirement savings.
Anonymous says
How can you be behind on college and retirement savings if you make $1M – $2M/year?!? That’s enough to catch up for a decade of not saving at all in one year.
Anon4this says
We graduated with more than $500k in educational debt. We only started making our current household income in the last year. In the past our household income had been in the $500-$800k range (which is still a lot), but not that much when you have as much educational debt as we did and live in a VHCOL area where rent on a 1 bedroom apartment is easily $3k a month. And overall we are conservative so what doesn’t feel like enough to us, might feel like enough to others.
Anon says
My spouse can’t qualify for further insurance due to health issues, but I have $6mm in coverage. Premiums of $200/month. We have an 18 month old and HHI of $3-3.5mm depending on partnership distributions.
Anonymous says
This is why everyone should buy term life insurance as early as possible. If you wait, you might get diagnosed with something that makes purchasing your own insurance prohibitively expensive or downright impossible. That then ties you to a job for the (often inadequate) life insurance coverage it provides.
Anon says
+ 1. We weren’t that old (late 30s) but my husband was diagnosed with OCD about 6 months before we took out our policies. His premium is more than double mine, and we are the same age and otherwise very similar health profiles.
Anonymous says
That’s interesting – I would have thought OCD doesn’t affect your risk of dying at all, or maybe even reduces it slightly.
Anon says
+1, happened to my sister. Freak cardiac event at 36 years old and ended up with a pacemaker for life. She can’t get insured.
Anon says
We each have a $2M policy, 30 year term. We took them out when we were 38 and anticipated having 2-3 children (so wanted the term to run through the youngest’s college graduation timeframe). Editorial comment – I know 38 is older mama territory but 2-3 children is realistic because we needed to do IVF and, as a result, have enough embryos banked to make a family of this size a realistic goal. We now have one child and hope to have our second in 2022.
Cb says
We have it, but not huge sums, enough to pay off the mortgage and provide income replacement (on not massive incomes). But we have 6 months full sick pay, 6 months half pay in the event of illness and 3x salary death in service benefits and live in a country with a (fraying but existing) social safety net. University fees are also much lower in the UK.
Mary Moo Cow says
I do, through work (employer paid benefit) but I’m ashamed to say I don’t know how much it is. DH has life insurance that would cover living expenses long term or pay off the mortgage and a few years of living expenses. I’m pestering him to get disability insurance, because his income is 2x mine and he is self-employed. We would seriously have to change our lifestyle or raid our savings if he couldn’t work for an extended period of time. (I also have employer-funded disability coverage.)
Curious says
I am now ashamed to say the same! I guess I need to start paying attention, because it was also on the questionnaire we are filling out to make our wills.
Anon says
We have $1M on DH and I think $200k on me. DH earns more, obviously. We also have about $500k in retirement funds that our kid would inherit if we both died, and a paid off house worth about $400k. We’re in a LCOL area and our guardians (my parents) are very affluent and have said they wouldn’t want any money for raising our kid so the life insurance is mainly to ensure I’d be ok financially if DH died.
Pogo says
Yes, we get supplemental through husband’s benefits. I forget how much, but it’s a lot – maybe close to $1M? To cover lost income and for the surviving spouse to pay off the house and any other outstanding debts.
Pogo says
oh and we both have automatic 2x salary through work.
Anon says
We both have term policies. Mine is $500k for 20 years through ladder for something like $25/month. I purchased it young and have no conditions or lifestyle choices that make me higher risk.
Husband is National Guard and has $400k through the military and there is an extra $100k if he is killed while on duty. He looked at ladder and with his age and conditions, it is cheaper through the military. We both also have a small amount through our civilian jobs as part of the benefits.
HHI is about $150k/year currently. No debt other than a mortgage. 1 child. Decent amount of cash savings.
EDAnon says
We both have life insurance through work and we have pensions with death benefits that are both decent sized (his is more than mine). We don’t owe a ton on our house and have no expectation that we are fully funding college.
My parents would be guardians of our kids and they are not wealthy, but comfortable. We calculated the trust for our kids and it is an amount we are comfortable with. I grew up with parents making very little so I know you can not have a ton and turn out just fine.
We make just over $300k combined which doesn’t sound like much compared to some of you but is more than adequate for our needs in our Midwest city.
EDAnon says
We both have life insurance through work and we have pensions with death benefits that are both decent sized (his is more than mine). We don’t owe a ton on our house and have no expectation that we are fully funding college. We make about the same so we’ve built our lives around the idea that we only have one income, which makes the untimely death of one is easier from the perspective.
My parents would be guardians of our kids and they are not wealthy, but comfortable. We calculated the trust for our kids and it is an amount we are comfortable with. I grew up with parents making very little so I know you can not have a ton and turn out just fine.
We make just over $300k combined which doesn’t sound like much compared to some of you but is more than adequate for our needs in our Midwest city.
Anon says
We each took out 25 year term policies for $2M when our second was born. Thinking was that it would cover the mortgage + covering college gap + extra money to help supplement income. I also have an additional policy through work for $2M, but we opted not to get my spouse extra coverage because I am the higher earner by far and the loss of income will be harder on him. 25 years runs until my youngest is 23.
Momofthree says
Yes we both got term life insurance after our first was born. Honestly it probably would have been better if I’d gotten it before I’d gotten pregnant bc of the health exam and weight loss/gain question. My husband got 1.5m and I got 1m policies. We pay about 50-70 per month per policy and it was a bit of paperwork, but relatively easy. I also get some through work and I believe he does as well.
For either of us it was meant to cover the years of lost wages until the kids went to college.
We also fully fund our retirement each year with substantial amounts in there already and have no non-mortgage debt.
So Anon says
Yes. I have a $750K individual 30 year term policy. I am 8 years into that term, so it will end when my kids are 30 and 33. I also have 3.5x my salary (that does not include bonus) through work, so another $525K. I also have enough savings to pay off my mortgage. I am a single parent and the beneficiary of my life insurance is a trust that is established for the benefit of my children. The trustee is a family member who is not in line to take care of the kids. I am also the child of a single parent, and my dad died when I was very young. He had life insurance, which I know provided huge peace of mind for my mom.
For those who have had health issues that make obtaining individual coverage prohibitive, check with your employer. First, make sure that you are signed up for the max guaranteed issue through your employer, if it is available. That means that you can sign up for a certain amount without need to go through underwriting, where your health concerns will come into play. Then, if possible, apply for a higher amount through your employer. The rates will likely be lower than what you can obtain for individual coverage.
Also, I cannot stress enough the importance of disability insurance, specifically long-term disability insurance. Ask your employer if it is available. Life insurance will not be helpful if you become disabled to the point that you are unable to work. Social security disability will covers a portion of income, after a year of disability. For the high earners on this page, however, it will not be enough.
Butter says
Yes, just went through the process of getting a $2M policy for 30 years, and also have a separate $500k policy through work. I’m in my late 30s, two kids, one more on the way. I wanted to be able to pay off the house, replace my income for a set number of years, fund college educations should they decide to go, and allow for my spouse to take a year or two off from work and/or hire the best care he can find if the worst were to happen. Having seen a friend go through losing a spouse unexpectedly in their early 40s, I think it’s hard to predict what all one would need in that scenario, but I’d rather there be more options than less, and for me the peace of mind makes it worth it. Spouse has a similar amount.
Anonymous says
Yes, we both got term life for 10x our salary for a 20 year term when my first child was born. This is intended to be income replacement, so the financial lifestyle of the surviving spouse and children would not be affected. It is not very expensive. I am actually planning to increase what I have through work, because my salary has gone up.
Alanna of Trebond says
I get it as a requirement for my work for $5M. I don’t think that my husband has any.
Another disclosing pregnancy question says
My company is returning to in-person starting in early November. Our required first week back I will be 18 weeks pregnant. I have not yet told my company that I am pregnant, and ideally if we were still WFH I would wait until 20 weeks (after the anatomy scan). I do not think that I can hide it for that extra two weeks, judging from the “congrats! it’s so obvious!” reactions we’ve been getting from friends. Is it unprofessional to tell right before returning in person? Do I need to give some sort of buffer in advance of returning in person, and if so, how far in advance? (I am not asking for any special accommodations).
Anonymous says
I think right before going back to the office is a good time to tell, since you can say “since it may be obvious next week when you see me in person, I wanted to share that I’m pregnant!” or something along those lines. But also, if you really want to wait to 20 weeks, you can. Either people won’t notice as much as you think, or they will but they won’t say anything until you bring it up. Neither choice is unprofessional.
Anonymous says
No. Tell whenever you want
Anon says
Is anyone willing to share some anecdotes about how your gardening life has changed over various periods of your life? Over the past 5 years, I’ve done 3 rounds of ivf, had two miscarriages, delivered two babies, and done a year of breastfeeding each of them. My husband pushed hard for a third baby, I would have stopped at 2. I’m now 20 weeks, and am well out of what was a rough first trimester, but I still have very little interest and am still so tired.
Before this pregnancy we were probably averaging about once a week, which I thought was pretty good! Now it’s probably once a month. Is that so wildly out of line with what’s normal? He’s pretty clearly not happy about it, and I’m a little resentful that I’m dealing with the brunt of the physical changes of a third baby that he really pushed for and this pressure on top.
Anonymous says
Tell him to use his hand and that when he grows the baby he can decide. There’s nothing wrong at all here except a rude selfish husband.
Anon says
Definitely six years of minimal at best. Once a month to once a quarter? Maaaaaybe? Things were better after each baby around the nine month mark. Sex during pregnancy didn’t check any of my boxes and my husband was respectful of that.
EDAnon says
Same with me during pregnancy both in how I felt and how my husband handled it.
Anon says
We are once or twice a month people with a 4YO that still doesn’t sleep through the night. We’re both tired. I’d rather more, but he’s tired too. Once we start sleeping again I hope that it will get better. We did not at all when I was pregnant because I was throwing up until the very end and had no interest in anything other than keeping a settled stomach.
Ann Anon says
We haven’t gardened since our youngest was conceived almost two years ago. I had no desire during pregnancy, and DH has had some ongoing medical issues have completely killed his desire. I’ve been ready to start again for a while, but until his medical issues resolve (which could take another 6+ months), that probably won’t happen. It sucks, but c’est la vie.
Anon says
yea we are about once a week people. honestly, i’d be fine with less probably. while i was pregnant (with twins) we maybe did it twice the whole pregnancy. emphasis on ‘maybe.’ i was so nauseous/vomiting at first and then got so so big so so fast. then it took quite a while post partum to start up again since twins + ppa/ppd and i ended up needing some pelvic floor therapy. i think your DH is being ridiculous
Anonanonanon says
We’re probably once every 3-5 weeks? It varies. We’re both fine with it. We’ve had an incredibly busy 2 years personally and professionally and we are very tired. I think it bothers me more than him, but I’m not bothered enough to feel like doing anything about it by the end of the day!
All that to say, I really don’t think it’s abnormal to go through a period where once a month is the frequency.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We were probably 1x/wk pre kids, now post 2 kids, around 1x/month, sometimes 2x. I’m generally “good” for about 2 months in between, but we compromise to slightly more frequently. I’m sorry that your husband is pressuring you here and also pressured this 3rd baby? 1x/month is very normal for a couple with small kids, IMO, and you’re pregnant too! I’d encourage some couples counseling for you both.
Anonymous says
He needs to take care of himself.
Spirograph says
First, I’m really sorry to hear about this dynamic between you and your husband. Even without IVF and miscarriages, I was physically tapped out in the 6+ years I was pregnant and nursing. Once a month sounds very normal. My husband wasn’t happy about it either, but he mostly understood. There were some upsetting conversations along the way, open relationship was proposed (and decided against) and I had to continually reiterate that I was just tired and not feeling it for reasons that had nothing to do with him as a person. And that a mountainous to-do list affects me in ways that it doesn’t affect him, which spurred a much better division of household labor, so win-win!
Your DH needs to respect that you’ve been through the wringer physically, mentally, emotionally, and back way off contributing to your stress by making frequency a point of contention. This is temporary. It gets better again (esp after about two years postpartum) but he needs to respect the phase you’re in and adjust.
Anon. says
Our oldest is 4, I’m guessing we’ve gardened maybe 10 times since he was conceived. Youngest is not quite 2. I had basically zero interest while pregnant and very little while nursing.
Anon says
I have three (youngest is 6 months) and I’m probably actually in the mood twice a year…but we aim for at least once every two weeks. My drive disappeared with the birth of my first baby. It does return around ovulation (yay, instinct!) but because of our family planning method we don’t take advantage of that time (and were I on artificial birth control to prevent ovulation, that bump wouldn’t happen anyway).
My husband is a generally excellent partner so I do try to push past my apathy for his sake (and he is much more chipper and pleasant in the days following). It’s not okay for yours to guilt you – especially in pregnancy, when you get to make things about you – but I think it’s good that he expresses his wants and needs. In reality it can take as little as five minutes and at least half the time I end up enjoying it. If you are both still home (and kids are gone or napping) then lunchtime is a good alternative to bedtime.
Anon says
Your experience seems completely typical and your husband needs to stop with the pressure. It is disrespectful and I would tell him. We’ve been together for almost 15 years (dating, then married) and over that time we’ve ranged from twice a week to once a quarter or on occasion less often. With our first kid we probably had sex 6 times during my pregnancy and then not at all until 6 months postpartum. I was nursing had had zero interest. And then it was probably once a quarter to twice a month (getting more frequent towards the end) until we started trying to get pregnant with number 2. That took a while so it ranged from every other day to once a week and in truth that was too much for me. Now I’m around 20 weeks and we have probably only had sex a couple times since getting pregnant (and that was before I knew I was pregnant / had any symptoms). I just haven’t wanted to at all. I’m starting to feel interested now but our toddler is in a challenging phase, work is busy for both of us, and we are a bit snippy with each other so it hasn’t happened.
I’m sorry you’re getting pressure. I would be resentful too.
Mary Moo Cow says
I was really into gardening when I was pregnant but not at all post-partum. We have 2 kids, and there have been hills and valleys. About a year ago I decided to listen to DH’s complaints about lack of gardening and understood it was a love language and an emotional need he has, and committed to 3 times a week (he doesn’t know this. This was an internal conversation I had with myself. I wasn’t worried he was going to cheat but I knew the lack of gardening would eventually do lasting damage to our relationship. So I suck it up.) It isn’t my favorite thing, but practice makes better. I understand being resentful; I was, too. He’s not communicating with sensitivity. But he’s also your partner and he’s telling you what he needs.
Pogo says
I think it’s worse with second kid… probably 1x/month, though I think we both would rather more, but just. so. tired.
Anonymous says
We’ve only attempted P in V probably a dozen times since our only child was born almost 4 years ago, and have only been successful a few times. We engage in other forms of intimacy 1-2 times per month.
NLD in NYC says
Could you have secondary vaginismus? I have primary, but pelvic floor therapy and dilators greatly improved it. Find a GYN who specializes in pelvic pain.
Anonymous says
Very TMI response… I don’t think so. I have zero issues with pain when I’m turned on, but a) I have a much harder time getting to that point than I did pre-kid, which I think is a psychological issue not a physical one and b) the problem is at least partly with DH who has a hard time keeping it up if he can’t ram it in immediately. Which worked, for the most part, pre-kid (and I would usually enjoy it once it got going) but doesn’t work so much now.
NLD in NYC says
Just trying of offer support if that was an issue for you, but glad pain is not an issue for you.
Anonymous says
Only child is 6. I’d say we average around once per week, but it is not consistent. For example, I have heavy periods that last 6ish days, and I don’t do it during that time. But after, I’m up for more than typical. It is also just so dependent on how busy we are at work, etc. Sometimes we’ll go two weeks without, but then the next week, it’ll be 2 or 3 times. We didn’t at all while I was pregnant and not much after pregnancy for the first year. I breastfed for over two years and covered my breasts until at least 6 months after I stopped, because it was just too weird for me to have them sexualized again. I think we’re in a good place now? DH doesn’t complain. He only complained one time – when I was 4 months PP and we hadn’t done it in like a year. We’d both love to live in a world where we have endless time and energy and do it more. But that’s just not our stage in life right now.
Anon4This says
This is timely as it’s been on my mind! I really like reading what others are saying, it makes me feel better.
Honestly, we were once-a-week(ish) until 2020, when we moved/pandemic/went through a VERY rough patch in our marriage/I got pregnant with #2/a beloved parent of mine passed away. Then it dropped down to every few months. Now we’re at about every 1 month-6 weeks. I’d like it more, but more for reassurance than anything else…so it may be good that it’s not frequent as we are both processing all that happened last year (thank you, couples and individual therapy) and working on ourselves, big jobs, and our family (2 kids <4). We've still had date nights and are going on our second weekend away soon, which always helps.
I hope to get to the 1x/week in the next year, or at least increase the frequency in general.
Anon says
I am about a year PP and my size has changed a decent amount. I can still fit into some looser tops and wide leg pants but would like to buy some new clothes. Problem is that as a mom to a little kid, I am ALWAYS getting dirty so I don’t want to buy *nice* clothes that are a pain to take care of but also don’t want to buy cheap things that have a lifespan of 10 washes. I have always preferred buying fewer items of higher quality that I can keep for a longer time, but is this impractical with small kids? What is the answer here?
For instance, I’d prefer to buy one or two nice wool and cashmere sweaters for the winter, but this seems laughable because my child’s snot will end up on my shirt in less than 1 min.
I don’t have time to go thrifting or consignment store shopping like I did pre kid, and poshmark is kind of difficult for me since I am short with weird proportions. Surely someone here has an answer!
Anonymous says
I wear Target t-shirts around the house and nicer clothes outside the house (or for certain video conferences in my home office). If I were you, I’d get some nicer pieces for when you’re out and about but also some inexpensive items that you can wear when in the thick of it with kiddo. Most of my pants are more expensive. They don’t seem to get hurt by kiddo.
Anonymous says
Just buy clothes. You need to filter for machine washable, which is why button down flannels exist, and fleece pullovers, and cotton sweaters. Lands End exists for a reason.
Anon says
The answer is to buy nice things that are machine washable. Even Ann Taylor is making machine washable suiting. Most of my clothes are Land’s End, Ann Taylor, Boden and Gap and I refuse to buy anything that is not machine washable. I also find natural fibers are easier to get stains out of (washable wool, cotton) and tend to filter accordingly. And then spend some time figuring out what works best for stains for you (for me, it is a triage approach of dawn dish soap, fels naptha and oxiclean, depending on the stain).
Anon says
I still wear wool and cashmere and just wash stuff off if needed. My merino wool isn’t very delicate. You can go the outdoorsy brand route instead of the fancy fashion route for the sake of practicality.
Anon says
I get dressed immediately before leaving the house (DH does daycare drop-off) and change into lounge clothes immediately upon returning home. Daycare is good about giving us our toddler in clean condition.
Anonymous says
This. I stay in my bathrobe until it’s time to leave; others here have suggested wearing a bathrobe over work clothes in the morning. I change into PJs immediately upon arriving home. If the kids don’t mess up my clothes, cooking dinner surely will.
anne-on says
This. If I *have* to wear dry clean only work clothes they go on very last right before I leave the house as our dog will inevitably try to get nose/paws all over me.
Talbots, Jcrew, Ann Taylor, Boden, etc. all make washable slacks that I paired with a variety of washable blouses (quality of washable fabric blouses vary widely, I have better luck shopping in person for these as I want to feel them, see how sheer they are).
Hobbs/LK Bennet also make a good amount of washable work dresses in higher quality rayon/synthetic and I try to stalk their sales and snap them up that way as they are $$$.
Anonymous says
After I get dressed in the morning, I wear an apron over my work clothes until I walk out the door. I also wear an apron if I am wearing work clothes at dinner time and whenever I am cooking or doing dishes, even if I am just in casual clothes. I got my favorite apron for $2 at a thrift store and I love it!
Anonymous says
An apron isn’t enough for me–I will spill or splash oil on my sleeves!
Anonanonanon says
While a capsule wardrobe doesn’t work for me for work, I am so much happier now that I have one for weekends/after work. My capsule wardrobe is:
-White button-downs are a go-to for me. Untucked with skinny jeans or black ankle pants and flats, or french/half-tucked with looser jeans and my white superga sneakers, etc. I’m a pear so I like that they cover my bum. I like to wear some layered gold necklaces with them. They also accommodate weight fluctuations.
-I also have a black and white breton striped shirt in the rotation that gets a decent amount of wear; I think it looks somewhat pulled together with black ankle pants and flats or jeans and sneakers (see a pattern?)
-I have a camel-colored cashmere sweater in the rotation I got on sale and have had for a couple of years now, and a wine-colored merino wool sweater (see below for how I handle that laundry-wise)
-I have a black t-shirt dress (actually was hard to find one that worked for my pear shape!) that I wear a lot on weekends; usually with superga sneakers and a denim jacket
-For weekend/after-work bottoms, I have a pair of black ankle pants, a pair of skinny jeans, and a pair of looser jeans. I also have a pull-on black skirt but it doesn’t get as much use as I thought it would.
-For toppers I have a trench, leather jacket, denim jacket, a black blazer I bought specifically for weekends, a slightly oversized black and gray wool blazer I got from everlane like 3 years ago (I actually just looked and they still have it: the oversized blazer in glen plaid), and a cashmere open front cardigan. In addition to actual winter coats.
-For shoes I have superga white sneakers, black pointed toe rothys, and black Blondo waterproof suede ankle booties with a mostly pointed toe (I think it’s the Elvina bootie? They’ve lasted for several winters). I know ankle boots are mostly “out” but black and pointed toe is still somewhat acceptable I think, and really if you live somewhere that gets some snow you have limited options!
Laundry: I keep a stain stick on each floor anyway so that I can quickly treat stains on my kids’ clothes when I find them, and oxiclean for whites does wonders. I’ve always washed the majority of my clothing on delicate and air dried just to increase the lifespan, and my wool and cashmere sweaters have done just fine with this treatment.
Anonymous says
Oh we are style twins! Where do you get your white button downs?
Anonanonanon says
Oh yay! Hi, twin! Usually Banana Republic when there is a sale. I have one old Everlane one but it was way too see-through for my taste, but I still have it for days I know I’ll wear a jacket over it. I got the BR Oversized tech stretch shirt (I think that’s the one) for summer vacation and like it!
Mary Moo Cow says
I’ve been there, and I used Nordstrom’s Trunk Club. Stich Fix and Thred Up goody boxes were huge misses for me, but Nordstrom got what I described as my style and needs. Like others, I look for higher quality natural fabrics that I can take care of at home (hand wash and air dry cashmere sweaters instead of the dry cleaner, Dryel for suits, etc.) and I look for quality pieces on sale so I don’t feel so badly about getting snot on it. I find that quality clothes hold up better and don’t hold on to stains like the cheaper ones. I am in the process of switching my closet from a bunch of trendy or cheaper stuff to quality, timeless clothes. It’s a long process, especially when it seems like every retailer has pivoted to athleisure exclusively.
Anonanonanon says
I LOVED trunk club but I heard they got rid of the personal stylists? I haven’t used it in a long time but, if that’s true, I’d be so disappointed. It was truly a personal shopper experience, I loved it.
Anon says
Same situation, but I actually started this transition pre-baby when I got a dog. For casual wear– I have a few washable sweaters for nice occasions. Generally, I wear flannel shirts or nice sweatshirts or athleisure. Try Marine Layer and Outerknown. For work– I really only buy dry clean only if I can help it. Pants are all black and washable. Anything that might snag I take off before I get into the house. Try Brass Clothing for nice, washable work clothes.
Anon says
A couple years ago, I went from the high stress job that had no work life balance (but which I loved the work and was good at it) to a similar job in a lower key setting. The big appeal is that I could still move forward (slower, but forward) while being more present for my kids.
Fast forward and a lot of promised prior motions haven’t worked out. Not only that, the promotion I was working for I ended up not being ‘eligible’ to be interviewed for and it went to somebody who I helped train in my old job. He’s a good dude and a friend… but I don’t want to work for him.
Not only that, but because of weak staff, I’m working my butt off doing other people’s jobs. Most days, I accept that everything has trade offs, but today I’m frustrated that I am feeling so ‘stuck’. Realistically, I think I need to wait a year leave, but that’s mostly to keep my reputation as an amazing ‘fixer’ who rebuilds departments and makes sense of chaos.
Anon says
Ugh, phone. Should say ‘promised promotions’
Anonymous says
This is nonsense! You do not need to wait for a year to leave! Get a grip!!! You are being passed over for promotions. Job search and get out. You aren’t being realistic you are being silly and self-sabotaging.
Anonymous says
You took this job a couple years ago? Why do you feel obligated to stay for another year? If you’ve already been there a couple of years, you’re not going to look like a job hopper. It’s ok to say that you left because you wanted to work somewhere with more opportunities to advance/grow/etc. You’ve given them more than enough time to make good on their promises of promotions.
CHL says
Adding on – don’t wait! Now is an amazing time to look for jobs, people are moving around, everyone needs more good people and I think no one will bat an eye at a job change now.
EDAnon says
+1
No Face says
You definitely don’t need to wait a year. Start looking and applying.
Mary Moo Cow says
They won’t wait a year to replace you when you leave. Don’t give them a year of your life that you’re not going to get back. Start looking now and be diplomatic but honest when asked why you are looking. Good luck!
Anonymous says
Why are you doing other people’s jobs? And if your reputation is being an amazing ‘fixer’, what is the feedback you are getting as to why you are not getting the promised promotions? Why were you deemed ‘ineligible’? Something seems very wrong, and that you are possibly contributing to your own problems here.
OP says
I needed this kick in the rear today, thanks.
I got told again today they were talking about a ‘path forward’ for me… but I also reached out to some contacts and am sending my resume to some.
A. says
I posted this on the main s!te too:
Family-friendly places to stay in Puerto Rico for five nights? There’s five of us (me, spouse, kids ages 6, 9, and 12) and I’d prefer a hotel over an AirBNB. Kids’ club is not important to us — we want a pool, beach access, and good food nearby. Anywhere you recommend in PR is great — we’ve never been. Thanks!
Anonymous says
Hilton Ponce. Not the most expensive, beach is kid friendly, pool is amazing. Good kinda sucked but honestly I always think Resort food is bad. Not the worlds best resort but if you have a budget worth looking into. Just get a van service from the San Juan airport
anon says
We went pre-kids so I don’t have advice on accommodations. But if you go to Vieques and it’s at all possible with the kids (they sound old enough but idk b/c mine are toddlers lol), you should do the nighttime kayak at Bioluminescent Bay. A highlight for me of not just that trip, but a favorite moment ever.
Anon says
We haven’t been in years, but we loved the Caribe Hilton. We’ve been talking about bringing our kids there….great pool, nice beach, delicious breakfast buffet, decent poolside food (we ate out at night so no comment on the dinner options).
Pogo says
Same! It wasn’t anything super special but I thoroughly enjoyed and it seemed very family friendly. I liked the spa.
RR says
It’s actually a pretty easy find–a nanny who works summers–because of school age kids. Our nanny is summer and after school during the school year. Her “day job” is as an intervention specialist for a school. It works perfectly. We also did summer camps a few years, but that’s more an older kid option.
Anon says
Piggy-backing, does anyone know anything about Hyatt Place San Juan? Dh has a conference there in May and I’m thinking of going with my 4 year old if she’s vaxxed by then. I didn’t actually love San Juan when I went a decade ago, but it’s hard to turn down an almost-free trip to Puerto Rico.
Toddling says
Against objective logistical judgment but for Reasons, we are enrolling our 2 year old in a daycare with a nine-month school schedule. They do not have a summer care option. Has anyone done anything similar, and if so, what have you done for the summer? I don’t know if there are summer camps for toddlers, so maybe we just find a student babysitter?
Anon says
The daycares here have school years and summer camp, though in reality it’s consistent all year enrollment so I’m not sure why they make the distinction. At bigger places like the Y small kids definitely can enroll for just the summer.
Anon says
so where we live there are a bunch of programs like this and until age 3 there are basically no summer camp options. once kiddo turns 3 the local JCC has a full time summer camp program.
Anon says
Check with local daycares by you to see if they have any summer-only spots. Near me, lots of teachers are able to pull their kids for the summer and can take them back in the fall. Summer nannies are always an option but start looking well in advance of when you’ll need one.
Anon says
Yes, we did this arrangement and had a high school neighbor nanny during the summer (she had a driver’s license). Worked out just fine, although obviously not as easy as regular full-time daycare.
AwayEmily says
Our JCC has a “summer program” option where toddlers can enroll just for the summer. I’d just start googling/asking around. and keep in mind you’ll probably need a babysitter anyway because the chances that the end of daycare lines up exactly with the start of the summer program are minimal.
Anon says
No summer camp options in our area for kids that little. I think student babysitter will be your best bet. For my then 3YO I was able to find a few weeks of vacation bible school (9-12 coverage), but that was it. We also ship (drive, 2 hours) DD off to my parents for one week each month during the summer to get some additional breaks for us and good bonding for them.
anon says
This might depend on your state. In Maryland, summer camps can’t take kids before 3.5, so the options for before that would be find a year-round daycare with a summer session that has open space or hire a summer babysitter/nanny.
Anon says
Summer camp in my area starts at 3 so if he’ll be 3 by the start of next summer you might be able to find something.
anon says
Lots of college kids would work as a nanny for the summer.
Realist says
I have done this and there were summer camp options for toddlers in our area. The daycare also eventually opened up a summer program since so many parents were interested in it. You could also look into hiring one of the daycare teachers as your summer nanny because they are probably looking forward work those 3 months, if someone else hasn’t already snapped them up.
anon says
Daycare question – at the 2yo phase, how long on average do you keep your LO home for a mild/normal cold (no fever)? Trying to assess my daycare’s policies/estimate how many days I’m going to have to expect to be off at this rate. (Side rant: for the past two months, my kids have gone to an average of 3 days of daycare before getting sick again, despite our daycare’s extremely strict policies on sick time. Very frustrating.)
Ann Anon says
I don’t. Earlier in COVID, we kept our kids home when sick until we got a negative test, but now that we’ve had it, we send them in as long as they aren’t running a fever. My youngest has been sick almost non-stop for the last few months, so if we kept him home for the sniffles, he’d never be there.
Anonymous says
Your school’s policy allows you to do this?????
Anon says
Not the person you’re replying to, but we can send kids to school as long as they aren’t running a fever or coughing. Runny nose isn’t a symptom that requires staying home. Even with fever, there’s no requirement to test for Covid, you can send them back once they’ve been fever free without medication for 48 hours.
Honestly, most people spread Covid before they have symptoms and the vast majority of runny noses in 2 year olds are not Covid, so I think making kids stay home every time they have the sniffles is hygiene theater and I’m glad our school doesn’t require a Covid test or staying home in that situation. Vaccines for eligible adults and masks for everyone are FAR more important than making 2 year olds with the sniffles stay home. There have been no Covid cases in our classrooms so far and only a handful in the school, with no in-school transmission. Knock on wood.
Anonymous says
We’ll keep LO home if she is too sick to be able to handle the regular daily activities without an extra nap (or if she’ll be the one keeping the others from napping due to her unhappiness) or major meltdown. If it’s just snot, but she has plenty of energy, she goes in. Most kids are contagious before they show symptoms, so I try not to fault the other parents too much for sending their kids in when they’re contagious – otherwise, I’d lose my mind. Under our center’s policies, she has to have proof of a negative covid test (or a doctor’s note that provides another dx) before she can go back if she misses a day due to illness.
Anon. says
Same
Pogo says
Same. Now, I often get a COVID test to be sure, but no fever and no clear lack of energy/sick vibe – kiddo goes.
anon says
OP here. How many days does that mean LO is out then? Just ballpark, average cold.
Anon at 9:48 says
Maybe a day or two, depending on severity? If a kid is sent home, they automatically have to stay home the next day, too. We just got through RSV, and if it hadn’t happened over a long weekend when daycare was closed for a day, we would’ve missed 3 days, maybe 4 (honestly, kiddo would’ve probably been sent home halfway through what ended up being day 1, because she woke up from her nap with a fever). The timing definitely worked out well on that one, since it was only one unplanned day off. Non-RSV croup was 2 days.
Anon says
My kid never has decreased energy from a cold so if we used that standard she would never stay home. If she were lethargic I’d be very worried and would want a Covid test. We usually keep her home for 2 days (one day of sneezing and snotty and one day of coughing) for each cold. Colds have been super mild in the Covid era, I’m guessing because of universal masking.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We send our 3 year old (officially 3 today!) to daycare with a runny nose and congestion and no fever. If he has a sporadic cough, that’s more questionable, although we try to base it on how he’s acting otherwise – if still lots of energy and eating normally, he goes in. This kid picks up every single thing out there and we don’t want to keep him home for just usual daycare germs (that’s just the price of daycare). We did keep him home when he had RSV (but he had a very bad croup from it). No Covid positives so far.
EDAnon says
Happy birthday to your kiddo!
Our daycare policy is one symptom is fine (except for fever, cough, and a few others) so we send in for runny noses unless he’s really run down. The only really applies to my little one because my older one appears to be immune to everything at this point.
We have covid tested the kids twice PCR and twice rapid at home. No positives yet but they’re home for covid quarantine now…
Anon says
A lot of this depends on your daycare. Officially, our current policy at daycare is that if they have two or more listed symptoms, they can’t go in until they have a doctor’s note allowing them back in. Not specifically a negative Covid test, but a doctor’s okay. I usually keep my 2.5 year old home for congestion/runny nose/post-nasal drip cough for the first day or two just because she tends to be miserable those days and I hate to send her when she is clearly miserable. Now, all of those symptoms are listed, so we may be required to keep her home more frequently. But she’s also had a runny nose and a post-nasal drip cough since the middle of September and has gone the entire time without daycare ever complaining to us or making us bring her in. The rules are more strict for staying home with RSV, fever, croup, etc.
Anon says
My daughter is 3, fwiw. In normal times we sent her unless feverish or vomiting. With Covid we try to keep her home for a day or two until the worst of her symptoms has passed (but I don’t know how much good that actually does because we never test for Covid). I’m not sure if it’s a maturing immune system or masks or both but colds are infrequent for us. She’s had 3 total since March 2020. So keeping her home a couple days each time isn’t a burden. (She was sick every other week from Sept 2019-Feb 2020 but she was much younger then and it was her first winter in daycare.)
Anonymous says
We test and send back after getting negative once the snot and coughing are such that the teacher can manage it without getting out her kids sick. A barely three year old with a snot faucet nose in a mask is not something they currently have the staffing to handle.
CCLA says
Our youngest just turned 3, but behavior is the same as before. We don’t keep home for runny nose – half the class would be out every day in winter for that, and daycare is so far OK if just sniffles. But persistent coughing or other symptoms require 48 hours, which means if they get sent home lunchtime Monday they don’t go back until Thursday at earliest (and while not always required, most parents are testing often). This 48-he rule was true even pre-Covid, which I think put us in an outlier position where most other schools seemed to be 24 hrs.
anon says
OP here. This is helpful. We had both siblings home for younger one’s cold, per their policies. She was home a total of 4 days, and when we went back today I got questioned about it. She might have some lingering congestion but no fever, no consistent cough, normal energy levels, sleeping great. I’m still worried they’ll have me pick her up early. If 2-4 days out for a cold is normal, that’s helpful for me to know, as the cold we kept her out for 9 days and then she got sick again after being back for 3 dys. I’m trying to get ahold of the director to be like I can’t miss 9 days of work and go to the pediatrician every three weeks and this is not normal ugh. (no exaggeration she was out 9 days of the past 19 days she was supposed to be in daycare; almost 50/50 seems insane and I don’t know how any other families are doing this. We just happen to have a family member out of work right now who is fine babysitting kids with a mild cold. She got hand foot mouth recently, and that stinks and I didn’t mess around; we got a doctors note and only sent her when everything was resolved. I’m not trying to send a sick and miserable kid to school, just trying to keep my job!) To me, it seems like their overly stringent policy is causing some families to bend the rules/send medicated kids to minimize how long they’re keeping kids home.
Anonymous says
It sounds like you’re paying for day care for two kids and not really getting to use it. I love day care, but in your shoes I’d be seriously considering hiring a nanny.
CCLA says
9 days out for a cold sounds highly unusual. Maybe worth a chat with the director (not to change their policy b/c I don’t imagine most places would be open to that, but to understand interpretation). Maybe they would have been fine had you sent kiddo back 3 days after cold onset if only sniffles remained?
Estelle says
My husband and I are adopting a baby in a few weeks and it’s obviously an exciting time for us. We feel as prepared as we can be (whatever that means). However, the one nagging fear that won’t go away is about our relationship. I somehow lucked out with a great husband and we are still happily married after a decade. We’ve been through illnesses, job changes, family deaths, etc. I know a baby is a different story and I’m terrified our relationship will suffer despite our best efforts. My family is distant and not super supportive so my relationship with my husband is a bright spot in my life. Did anyone make the transition to kids and keep a good relationship with your spouse?
Anon says
Yes, I would say my relationship is stronger than ever. I love seeing my husband as a dad.
Congrats!
Anon says
Ditto. We had a strong relationship before but now with our kids as our shared project, it’s even better. Alos, we’re committed to modelling a good marriage as an example for our kids, so we are really intentional about using respectful language, fighting fair, and an equitable distribution of household / kid duties because kids learn so much from what they observe.
Congrats, what an exciting time!
Anonymous says
It’s better but harder if that makes sense. Like more decisions, more things to discuss, decide on and possibly argue over. More responsibility. But my heart explodes when I see him with them and that makes it all worthwhile.
Spirograph says
Yes. IME, it’s more work to maintain a good relationship with your spouse when a baby is in the mix. No one is their best self when sleep deprived, and while babies are wonderful, they come with some stress and logistical considerations that are a big pivot from DINK life. But when you tackle all of that together and have each other’s backs the whole way, it only makes your relationship stronger.
Congratulations!
Anonymous says
Yes! Having a child is adding stress, but if you’ve been together 10 years you have probably weathered other stressful times before. You can do this. If you start struggling get help. Nothing is certain in life, but worrying about this now is not going to prevent problems or help you at all.
Anon. says
Yep. He’s an amazing parent and an equal partner.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, I would say our relationship has gotten stronger with kids. I really feel like we are a team in this – in a lot of ways, you can continue the mindset of the two of you against the world, which includes the kids (although of course you love them).
Some tips: Communicate communicate communicate your needs! This is not my strong suit, but it’s so important to prevent resentment, as there’s a lot of work involved with babies. You don’t want to fall into a pattern of you doing all of the baby work and house work because you’re a woman. If your husband can take paternity leave after you go back to work so that he’s alone with the baby, I think that helps so much to equalize you.
No Face says
It sounds like you and your husband are already a team, which is all that is required. My husband and I agree that our relationship is stronger and deeper now than when we first got married.
Cb says
The first year to 18 months were ROUGH but I think that was undiagnosed PPA issues. And now I feel like we’re a really amazing team. Covid has prevented dates and trips away but every quarter or so we take a day or half day when kiddo is at nursery and have lunch, hang out, work on a project together.
Anon says
Yes! It’s just different – just like life will be – great but different!
I love seeing him parent and it’s fun to have a partner to laugh with when kids do funny things or gush with when they’re cute or whatever. Or vent with when they’re bad! Parenting makes you a team.
AIMS says
I think having kids amplifies your relationship and any issues you have. The people I know that had their relationship “ruined” were mostly in bad relationships anyway or one spouse wanted kids and the other didn’t. The people who were good and on the same page generally adjusted well. It sounds like you’re in good shape and prepared to weather any natural adjustments you have to make as they come up. Congrats on your expanding family!
Anon4This says
+1 to this. I’m in an in between situation, and kids 100% shined a light on our challenges as a couple.
When we met one of us wanted 0 kids, the other 2-3. Over time, we settled on 1 and let’s see. 1 went well, we were on the fence for 2. I got pregnant with 2, and one person was not happy. Turns out we had both been carrying some resentment for a while and weren’t communicating well. Through therapy, time, a lot of pain/tears, and willingness to work on ourselves things are getting better and sweeter…and we’re more of a team than ever, and I’m optimistic other things will fall into place.
Anon says
I don’t know if this will be your experience, but after having a kid, I felt like the first few months were almost easier as a couple (extreme exhaustion notwithstanding) because we both gave everything we had, basically baby, sleep, repeat. Now that we have more breathing room, it’s harder to feel like we’re at an equitable division of labor, especially if one of us is caring for the kid and the other is on their “free time”. So that’s something that can foster resentment, and I would be on the watch for it.
Anon says
Agreed. I also think when the kid gets older the emotional labor becomes a bigger deal. My husband has always done over 50% of the visible labor and with a newborn he was all in on feeding, diapering, etc. But as kids get older the work gets more invisible, and I feel like I do an unfair amount of that.
anonymous says
I admit I’m a little surprised by the responses here because I see so many posts about women handling all the emotional labor and how they have a tough time getting their husbands to be equal partners. No advice, but this is something I’m nervous about too.
Anon says
My husband isn’t an equal partner and it can be frustrating, but it hasn’t ruined our relationship. Our relationship is not solely based on division of labor and there are plenty of other reasons we love each other. I think there is a wide gulf between wishing the division is more equal and having a kid ruin your relationship. I think Pogo said it well below – we have more day to day tuffs but definitely feel more connected overall.
Spirograph says
I see the work of getting husband to be an equal partner as an investment in the relationship. The fact that people are focused on it, thinking about, and talking about it here it is not an indication that their marriage is failing, just that a strong, healthy marriage and a division of labor that is acceptable to both parents is not something that happens accidentally.
Walnut says
You can start working on the invisible labor pieces from the very start. My husband’s scope of work has always included managing daycare (tours, waitlists, deposits, forms, primary contact) and scheduling all appointments (doctor, dentist, etc.). He also manages the house cleaners (finding them, scheduling, paying, holiday bonus). For my side, I handle finances, taxes, birthday planning and season clothing rotations.
The most significant thing I can emphasize is divvy up scopes of work and don’t micromanage each other. I trust his standard of daycare and will review the extensive spreadsheets he prepares during his investigation period when he asks. I keep him in the loop on our finances, so he knows how the cost of the daycare he selects fits into our overall spending.
Pogo says
I think it really depends on the couple, but I think we’re more of a team because we have such an obvious common goal (keep small humans alive). Time together is more precious, too, so we appreciate each other more.
We get in more day to day tuffs (“I told you it was pajama day! Why did you dress him?? I have an 8am, I don’t have time for this!”) but on big things we feel more aligned than ever.
EDAnon says
I agree that there are more small disagreements. Our marriage is very strong and we are the kids as the manifestation of our love for each other. We are very on the same page about big things so it makes getting through the little stuff easier. I have an easy time forgetting small disagreements which is an asset. We try to express gratitude for each other a lot which also helps – even for small things like doing the dishes or making dinner.
Anonanonanon says
So many congratulations to you!! I hope you’ll stick around. I bop in and out of this board and have for years, but it is truly one of VERY few no-to-low drama places on the internet.
I think it really depends on if you both have realistic expectations of what life is like with a baby. I know the adoption process is usually not a short one, so I’m sure you’ve had plenty of conversations and time to think about it!
Find a good babysitter and use them. Especially if you don’t have local family. I don’t mean immediately, but by the time they’re a toddler. The marriages I know that suffer are the ones where one parent refuses to use babysitters and the other resents that they can never go anywhere as a couple without a kid. We took the route of having someone come first as a “parents’ helper” while we were in the house so we could assess, then using them only after we put our kid to bed and knew they’d probably stay asleep, then transitioned to using them while the kid was awake and we weren’t home.
Probably the best thing for our relationship was avoiding the urge to buy a bigger house immediately. We stayed in a small house for a few years and having the extra money to throw at sitters, nice dinners out, ordering pre-prepared meals, etc. really helped us weather a lot.
Anonymous says
I think kids’ specific personalities and needs are a big factor in how having kids impacts a marriage. I have seen a lot of people brought closer by the ordinary challenges of the infant and toddler years, and some of those same people driven apart by the stress of parenting older kids with higher-than-average needs. When your child’s issues make your home a 24/7 hell instead of a safe haven, and you desperately crave quiet time alone, you just don’t have anything left for your spouse.
Anonymous says
This is us. Also difficult when you don’t see eye to eye on how to manage the issues. It’s a nice platitude that kids only exacerbate underlying issues, but I really don’t think that is true.
Anon says
I know this sounds cheesy: watching my husband be a father turns my heart to mush. Perhaps this is especially endearing to me because my parents divorced when I was in diapers; there’s something about seeing a loving man care for our kid that is special.
Anon says
I don’t.
anoniemouse says
I feel like I’m just looking for encouragement here, but do you EVER sleep again when you have small kids? I feel the only thing keeping me going with my 4.5 month old (who slept through the night for a week but fell apart after one weekend with the in laws feeding her every 2 hours overnight) is the hope that one day she will sleep consistently, but I keep seeing messages on this board from people whose 1, 2, 3 and even 4 year olds won’t let them get a full night’s sleep. I’m a lawyer up for partner next year and I just can’t imagine this being the new normal. Genuinely asking, how did those of you with more than one ever decide that you could handle another? Does it just get that much better/easier? Again, I feel like I constantly see comments here saying that the toddler years are even worse… which makes me feel like there’s just no hope and the motto that “it’s all so worth it in the end” is just a huge conspiracy.
I did struggle with PPD earlier in postpartum, but sought help and don’t feel I’m in the throes of that anymore. I love my daughter, but I feel like I still struggle daily with the fear that I ruined a life that I really enjoyed before. Relationship with DH is great and he gets up to do night wakings, comes home for bathtime/bedtime, etc., even though he has a longer commute than me and I can work remotely so that’s not part of the problem here.
No Face says
I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. Both go to bed by 7:30am, both wake up between 6:30am and 7:30am. Sleep is not a problem for me anymore! I am aggressive about sleep training when they are young though, and when they were babies I do not go in the room except for serious crying.
For me, the infant stage is really difficult. I loved my babies, but the first year is definitely nothing but endurance for me. Now that I no longer have an infant, I am loving it! For me, kid >> toddler >>>>>>> infant.
Anonymous says
Now those are some good sleepers–23-24 hours! Best typo ever.
No Face says
LOL!
CCLA says
Amen, this is exactly us. Get through the infancy stage, focus on sleep training and routine early. Loved my babies fiercely but strongly prefer the 3 and 5 yo ages we have now. Other than illness, sleep has not been an issue on their account for years…I certainly could do better at getting to bed but it’s not their fault! 4.5 months is early, it will get better.
AwayEmily says
Have you considered sleep training? I have recommended this book before but I really like “The Good Sleeper” by Janet Kennedy. It goes into the science of baby sleep, and rather than proposing a one-size-fits-all solution, gives you a bunch of options depending on your kid and your comfort level with CIO.
But to answer your question — yes, it does get better. Some kids are naturally better sleepers and some aren’t, but you will figure out strategies that work to maximize your and their sleep. I had a first kid kid who is an AMAZING sleeper and a second kid who is a mediocre-at-best sleeper. With both, we sleep-trained early (~3 months) and I think that established good baselines. My older almost never wakes up at night and hasn’t since sleep training. My younger just has more trouble sleeping — he takes longer to fall asleep, he has night terrors, he is a light sleeper, etc. But we find ways to deal with it (aided by lots of smart people on this board!) and the upshot is that a couple of times a week we go into his room briefly when he has a bad dream or something, but in general I get a solid 7.5 hours a night and feel pretty great, sleep-wise.
OP says
Thanks for this :) Yes, we sleep trained at 4 months (sort of a modified Ferberizing where we’d go in briefly and soothe her without getting her out of the crib or feeding her) and she was going from 6:30pm to 6:30 am for a good few days, but we had a poorly timed wedding we were in the bridal party for… my inlaws extremely kindly agreed to take her for that period of time, but she woke up 4-5 times a night with them (got fed each time) and it just hasn’t settled back down. She’s also still sleeping in the Snoo (so when I say sleep training, I really mean not going back in at the beginning of the night and letting her fall asleep on her own… still aided by the Snoo, and then night weaning so she doesn’t expect to eat in the middle of the night. I expect we’ll have to do some additional training when we transition her to the crib which we’re going to do soon, starting with daytime naps in the regular crib).
Anonymous says
Did your Ped okay not feeding overnight for 12 hours? I thought that wasn’t recommended until at least 6 months of age? That’s a really long time for a 4 month old to go without anything to eat or drink. Adults don’t even go that long.
OP says
She actually did say it was okay – my daughter is bottle fed and drinks a ton during the day, more frequently than most bottle fed babies (e.g. 6 ounces every 2-3 hours as opposed to 4 every 3-4 hours). That said I probably wouldn’t have tried to make the 12 hours thing work if she hadn’t slept without making a sound for 12 hours on her own for a couple of days, so I knew she could do it in theory…
AwayEmily says
I think it varies a lot by kid. My pediatrician enthusiastically okayed 10-12 hours without eating when my babies were 3 months old. They were both healthy babies who ate a ton during the day and sometimes went for that long on their own even prior to sleep training (and indeed, both took to it no problem).
Mary Moo Cow says
Not OP, but mine did. With both my kids, with two different doctors, at the 8 week check up, when doctors heard about her feeding schedule and saw she was gaining weight appropriately, doctors said we didn’t have to wake her up to feed, and she could go 8 hours, increasing an hour with every week. So by 12 weeks, one was sleeping 12 hours, the other was sleeping about 8 (she was a hungry baby.) Peds advice can vary.
Anon says
My kids gain weight easily and my pediatricians have always been fine with letting them sleep overnight starting at three months too. I’ve never heard the six months thing but it seems kind of crazy to me. Granted I have large babies who eat well (which I think is why they’d sleep through the night).
Note I do not think sleeping through the night as an infant or sleep training has much to do with what kind of sleepers they end up. Sleep is different for older kids.
NYCer says
It varies by baby. Both of my daughters stopped eating overnight by 10 weeks.
Anon says
I think it’s kid dependent. My daughter was big and an amazing eater and sleeper, so we never formally sleep-trained, but she never went more than 9-10 hours straight until she was about 7 months old. From the ages of 2-7 months she would sleep 9-10 hours, wake up, nurse like a maniac, and immediately fall back asleep for 2-3 more hours. It was pretty clear to me that her natural “night” was 12 hours (daytime naps were totally separate, and much shorter), but she just couldn’t get through the night without a feed. But I know many kids who could do 12+ hours straight at a younger age.
Anon says
i would suggest ripping off the bandaid and switching to crib all at once.
Boston Legal Eagle says
4-5 months is peak sleep regression. In some ways it’s worse than the newborn days because you get used to them sleeping longer and then bam, back to 2-3 hours stretches. You WILL sleep again. I’ve been getting a mostly full night’s sleep for the past 2.5 years and I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old. My older kid does wake up in the middle of the night occasionally, usually when he has major transitions (i.e. now, with kindergarten…) but we can usually get him back to his bed by talking to him, or have him come to our bed. It’s nothing like a baby who just cries and cries, and you don’t when you will be able to get back to sleep.
I do find the toddler years more challenging, but it’s also kid dependent (younger one’s tantrums didn’t seem quite as bad, maybe I’m just used to it more now). Toddlers are so very very cute and once they start talking, it’s pretty incredible to be able to have a conversation with them. Two kids is harder for sure, but you don’t need to have two, and you can also wait longer in between. You don’t have to decide now when you have a basically brand new baby.
Anon says
It’s cliche, but it’s true that the days (and nights) are long but the years are short. I have three and it’s gotten easier to deal with each successive child; I have the perspective/lived experience that every stage passes. Some are wonderful and some are survival mode.
My kids are all bad sleepers and even the oldest (6) wakes us at least once a week but I feel much less stressed about it than I did when I had one infant. One baby was truly the hardest phase for me.
For some encouragement: my sister has two, they both basically slept through the night by 9/10 months and only ever wake if they are sick now. She was very big on schedules and wake windows.
Anonymous says
Three kids in I would say a lot of it is nature not nurture. At 6 and 9 yrs they are generally solid sleepers now but a lot of it is nature that you can’t control. Like one twin consistently sleeps through the night, except of the occasion bad night when he wakes multiple times. He regularly slept a 5-6 hour stretch as a baby. Other twin wakes up at least twice a night to pee. He rarely slept more than 3 hours as a baby. But unlike his older sister who woke us every time she went to the bathroom, he mercifully puts himself back to bed. But that’s only happened in the last six months and he’s 6. In the early years, DH and I took turns being ‘on’ or ‘off’. Lots of times on ‘off’ nights I slept in the guest bedroom with ear plugs and an eye mask.
Anon says
+1 and it’s probably too soon to tell what you have. I have three kids – one good sleeper and two okay sleepers. Now two okay sleepers basically equates to one bad sleeper in terms of how much we get woken up. I haven’t slept particularly well in a long time but it’s certainly better than the infant years!
You can sleep train your infant! You may even find you get more sleep at this age than with a three year old who is in a bed and can come find you!
Anon says
ok at 4.5 months you are still VERY MUCH in the thick of it. i’ve been a recent poster of sleep challenges with one my 3.5 year olds. generally for the past 3.5 years, since about 4/5 months old my twins have slept through the night, but there are blips that feel like they will last forever when you are exhausted (but fortunately don’t). Since we have twins and never wanted more than 2, we are very much done and I also used to say at the beginning that i did not understand how people ever decided to have another one. when they were around age 2, i started to miss having a baby and said to DH that I now understand how people go back for another and even said if i was younger maybe i would have a 3rd. granted, i do not have a big job at all. DH does. we have a wonderful nanny but no local family. despite me not having a big job, i still very stretched thin, but i think that is more of a ‘me’ issue than a generalization about parenthood. mostly i just HATE solo parenting and do a lot of it.
Anon says
My non-sleeping 4YO has never slept through the night, but that is not normal based on my friends and acquaintances, just our particular cross to bear with her (and believe me, we tried every sleep training method known to mankind). And by that I mean at this point she gets up and crawls in our bed most nights, but since I am not getting out of bed to deal with it, I quickly fall asleep (and sometimes don’t even wake up). It’s not at all like the infant days where you have to get out of bed, are fully awake, etc.; just more like a spouse rolling over on a bumpy mattress (one of the many reasons I love our tempurpedic since I don’t feel that anymore). I am currently counsel, purportedly up for partner next year. The disrupted sleep though is a large reason why we waited a good two years to try for a second and why we have not yet pursued IVF since we are experiencing secondary infertility. I will say the last month has gotten better. For us, while the sleep is still wretched, everything else has gotten so much easier. Among my friends and colleagues, most of their kids are reliably sleeping at least 9 hours without waking by 1YO.
Anonymous says
4 months was the absolute worst period for us – there is a huge sleep regression then. It definitely gets better, but the change can be incremental and progress is not linear. I think people complain more about some of the toddler/preschool sleep disruptions because they come just when you think you have it figured out! For us, things got a lot better after the 4 month regression, then a little worse again, then better. Memories are foggy but sleep felt more reliable starting around age 2, although we had some disruptions until he was, I don’t know, 5 or so? But it was nothing like when he was an infant. And we only had 1 child for many reasons, but partly because by the time I was ready to even consider it he was 2 or 3 and I could not imagine going back.
Anonymous says
PS – OP, having read your responses, it sounds like you are dealing with a sleep regression just now. Your baby will go back to sleeping longer stretches soon. My son went from waking up 1x a night before 4 months to suddenly 3x a night – and he was genuinely hungry; he was that magical baby that was content to be put down awake a lot of the time — right when I went back to work and it nearly broke me. Then overnight it stopped. He slept from 7pm – 7 am for 3 glorious nights, then reverted to one night feeding (generally) until around 9 months.
Anon says
This is so not helpful but my baby slept 5-6 hours chunks, hit the 4-month regression, and has been waking up every 1-2 hours all night long for the last 2.5 months since. I’ve got to figure something out…in my experience with 3 kids, none have gone back to sleeping well after the regression without serious effort on my part. My kids have many wonderful qualities but sleeping is not one!
Anonymous says
Yeah, they vary so much. I’m the one who said my son went back to 1 wake up a night above, and while’s generally a decent sleeper, he is a ridiculously picky eater, took FOREVER to potty train (with ongoing # 2 accidents for years) … they all have their strengths and weaknesses. It’s really frustrating because you have to figure out what works for your kid and your family, and often you can only do that through painful trial and error.
Anonymous says
You’re in the thick of it and it does get better! Sleep training (Ferber). I wouldn’t sleep train until 6 month My first one we did at 17 months (should’ve done it sooner), my second at 10 months after teething screwed up his sleep. My 4.5yo and 2yo sleep 7pm-7am every night. 2yo naps 2hrs every day. Sleep training isn’t for everyone but…anyone I know who doesn’t sleep train has sleep issues long term with their kids.
RR says
Yes. It’s so hard early on!
Mine are 13, 13, and 8 now. We all sleep great. Everything is a stage. You are so in the thick of it. It will get somewhat better even in a few months.
Anon. says
You will sleep again. Seconding everyone who has said that 4.5 months is a really rough age for sleep. Both of my kids had sleep regressions around 4 months and 6 months. Now at 2 and 4.5 they both go to bed at 7-7:30 and wake up at 7. Something weird is happening if I see them in the middle of the night (most likely they are sick).
Spirograph says
From farther ahead… My youngest is 5 and I don’t remember much of my sleepless years. They absolutely happened, and they were terrible at the time, but I promise this will pass. It mostly gets better from here on out, and significantly better after about 10 months. There are bedtime battles with toddlers, but mine stayed asleep once they finally fell asleep. Now, sometimes my snuggly kids will come invade my bed at some point between 3 and 6 am in a way that’s adorable rather than disruptive, and I definitely should go to bed earlier than I do, but I’ve been getting full nights of sleep for at least 2-3 years now and it’s glorious.
Pogo says
Sleep is kid dependent like everything else. Some kids might be great sleepers but struggle with speech, or feeding, or gross motor or toileting or socialization… I could go on. You RARELY get a kid who hits all the milestones perfectly and never struggles. For example, my older kiddo had a tough sleep regression at 2.5 but then toilet trained SUPER easy; one of his classmates is older, sleeps well… but holds his poop for 6 days straight. Pick your poison.
On whether to have more than 1…. I think it’s like having one kid – it’s not for everyone. If you don’t feel 100%, you don’t have to want more than 1.
Anon says
I whined about my 3.5 year old’s sleep on yesterday’s thread, but the truth is it’s a rare night she doesn’t get at least 10 straight hours of sleep. The inconsistency of the wake up time is what’s hard, and that’s kind of on us. We should go to bed every day at 10 pm to be prepared for 6 am wake-ups, but we don’t have the discipline to do that when she regularly sleeps past 8.
Also she was an amazing 12-13 hour uninterrupted sleeper (except when sick or teething) from the ages of 6 months to almost 3, so part of why I’m so grumpy now is that I was very spoiled in the past.
Anon says
Adding that there’s nothing wrong with being one and done if you don’t want a second child. I was pretty sure I was one and done before we had kids for a long list of reasons including finances, career stuff, and the fact that I thought I would be a better mom to one than two. Health issues arising after delivery were another factor added to that, although I questioned it a little bit in the 6-24 month period, which was really blissful and easy for us. But having a preschooler (who appears to be rather spirited and intense) has really cemented the decision. 2.5-3.5 was awful in terms of meltdowns and fights, and we seem to have really rounded a corner at 3.5 (although we had an epic tantrum this morning) and I don’t want to go back to that terrible time when all my kid did was scream and cry and yell at us. We’ve also been potty-training unsuccessful for almost a year which is h3ll (totally agree with Pogo that every kid has ‘something’ and my child is apparently impossible to potty train).
I’m an only child myself and had the best childhood and think I turned out relatively normal, if somewhat introverted. My parents and husband are civil at best and estranged at worse from their own siblings, so I’ve never really seen a sibling as a huge gift to an older child. And unless you’re extremely wealthy, having fewer kids will enable you to give more opportunities to your existing child. My parents paid for my private college in full and saved millions for their own retirement, both of which are huge gifts to me and would have been much harder for them to do if they’d had two kids. There’s a good sub-r*ddit for parents of onlies, r/oneanddone, if you want to lurk or ask questions there.
Anonanonanon says
Not going to offer advice, but oh my goodness YOU ARE SO IN THE THICK OF IT RIGHT NOW and it does get better! And good for you for seeking help for your PPD. I didn’t for way too long with my first and I really regret it.
Anonymous says
Yes. You will sleep again. A lot is kid specific and there are definitely phases (ie my previously sleeping 3 year old just started waking up – but I know it’ll settle in time) but you will sleep. And you can choose whether to sleep train or no. Even without sleep training my worse sleeper was sleeping through the night before 1.5 (which I thought was literally forever since my older one slept through on his own at 4 mo).
Anonymous says
It gets better. Do consider if additional PPD help could be useful. Also- if you have the space in your home, consider alternating nights sleeping where the baby won’t wake you. We did this for a long time with our second (worse sleeper than our first, although not terrible) and it is the only thing that allowed me to (a) not be a depressed anxious mess as I am when sleep deprived, (b) not lose things all the time as I do when sleep deprived. We alternated nights in the basement. I learned with our first that sleep deprivation leads to huge fights and depress so we really had to prioritize finding ways to sleep until kid’s sleep matured.
anon says
I think you need a night off of kid duty to sleep soundly. Sound machine, ear plugs, sleep in the basement or at a friend’s house or whatever you and DH can manage. You’ll be able to think more clearly and it will help you kind of reset. Also, I found with both kids there’s a big change at 6 months where it feels a lot easier, I think because of feeding solids.
OP says
I really appreciate all the responses here. I think the struggle right now is compounded by a largely unsupportive family (they’re extremely local, but they won’t/don’t help with childcare despite claiming they want to, and then get offended when we have the in laws or a babysitter do it) and the fact I’ve literally just returned to work. This is probably clouding my judgment on what is/should be reasonable for a 4.5 month old’s sleep! We had a night nurse very early on (sort of out of necessity – had to have an unexpected surgery at 4 weeks postpartum) and my husband had to talk me out of having her back “just for a week or two…” – not my finest decision making self right now!
Bette says
If you can have the night nurse back for a week and can afford it, I absolutely would!
I found the 4 month sleep regression plus coming back to work fulltime to be challenging. A week of solid sleep would have made all the difference.
Anonymous says
Oh my goodness, this context is so helpful. For me, the return to work was absolutely brutal. I remember feeling like I couldn’t do anything right. Give yourself AT LEAST until your baby is a year old before you make any decisions about kids, work, ANYTHING. Just be gentle to yourself as you discover who you are as a working mom.
And get ALL the help. My family never helped either, and that was a sorrow for me that I had to work through. Find a nanny you love; get a night nurse to help with this period; bring in your housekeeper once a week instead of twice a month. NOW is the time to throw money at this.
Curious says
Why wouldn’t you have the night nurse back?! I am now thinking this should be our plan when I go back to work, also at 4 months.
OP says
Ah, it’s just an expense thing. We just took the plunge on a full time nanny, so even a week of $200-300 a night add’l help feels like a big expense right now. We are outsourcing housecleaning and just generally outsourcing where we can though.
Anonymous says
It definitely gets easier but it takes TIME. You are in the thick of it right now.
Having excellent childcare and help made it easier, but the reality is that having young children is physically demanding. You have to just hang in there. Believe me, it is so worth it. My kids are 11 and 8 now, I made partner when the youngest was 2, and looking back, I have no idea how I did it – but they are the great joy in my life and I wish I’d had a third.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Thank you for saying this. I often feel like I’m trying to find a “hack” for this time period of little kids and even with a great co-parent, grandparent support and great daycares, it’s still so physically exhausting. I think the answer for now is just time and “the only way out is through,” and to appreciate the cute moments when they pop up (even if it’s like 90-10 hard-cute).
Anonymous says
All three of my kids slept through the night pretty consistently after about 7 months or so. They have gone through some phases of waking up early, but rarely in the middle of the night. The parents with bad sleepers are much more likely to comment about it. This is true of pretty much everything people post about on the internet; the people with problems are much more likely to post about it.
Anonymous says
Have you had braces as an adult? About six years ago I did Invisalign: long story short my teeth kept moving around. Last year I started Smile Direct but hated it (the liners chipped one of my teeth). A new dentist mentioned Invisalign but one of my teeth is rotating so I’m not sure how much it will help. I’m hesitant to visit an orthodontist because I feel like he will say “yes of course you need braces.” I never had orthodontitia as a kid. Help me navigate this?
Anonymous says
I had braces in middle school, but my mom had them as an adult. The main thing I remember about that is that my little brother accidentally bashed her in the mouth with his head and it was the only time I ever saw her cry in pain.
Just go to an orthodontist for a consult. It doesn’t commit you to anything!
Anonymous says
If you want your teeth to be straight and steady your only option is an orthodontist
Boston Legal Eagle says
I had metal braces for years as a teen and am now finishing up a round of Invisalign for crowding issues that came back. This second process has been much faster, less painful and less noticeable, I think (helps that we’re all still in masks in public!) Invisalign can do a lot so I’d definitely go for a consult if you’d like to work on your teeth. I intend to wear my night retainers every night after I’m done with this as I don’t want a 3rd round of braces!
Anony says
I was considering braces for a long time before the pandemic, and then decided to take advantage of staying home and masks to finally do it. I’m really happy with the decision! I also never had braces as a kid, but I had issues that were minor in childhood but really got worse in adulthood. My specific problem could not be fixed with Invisalign and required traditional braces. I started with clear brackets on top (very unobtrusive) and then, about 10 months into treatment, metal ones on bottom (more annoying for me personally, but they will be on for much less time. Even with the braces still on, my teeth look and feel so much better, and I can tell I’ll be thrilled with the result. I went to an orthodontist who has a lot of adult patients and is conscious of accommodating work schedules, etc.
Pogo says
I’ve had several friends and coworkers who had them as adults. Yes, they’re obvious. But you have them for what – a year or so? It is a small blip in a lifetime. I can recall it, now that I’m being asked a question specifically but I would never think of it when I think about these individuals.
Spirograph says
One of my coworkers ~10 years ago electively wore her headgear into the office, frequently. Even though I was sympathetic, having had headgear, myself (which I wore only at night or at home, never to school. Never), it was so distracting. Braces alone are nothing!
OP, it sounds like this is more of a cosmetic issue for you than a functional one (otherwise you would have already been referred), but I strongly encourage you to meet with an orthodontist (or two) and learn what your treatment options might be. I hated braces at the time, and wearing retainers for another few years wasn’t my favorite either, but it’s such a gift not to be self-conscious about my smile. I thanked my parents profusely once I got out of the bratty teen phase. :)
Anon. says
To follow up on the – it’s a blip in your lifetime sentiment: I had full on metal braces as an adult for about six months, maybe a year. It was 10 years ago and I needed more done than Invisalign could handle because even after braces in middle/high school I have terrible genetics for teeth. I don’t even really remember that I had them except that I occasionally see a random picture from that time. I got exactly one snarky comment to my face about them and I’m pretty sure that guy was the target of several sexual harassment complaints (and thankfully I don’t work with him any longer).
Anon says
I had metal braces as a freshman and sophomore in college (pseudo adult?) and recently asked my dentist if I should do Invisalign since my teeth are shifting after I broke my retainer during pregnancy. Are you planning on being pregnant any time soon? My dentist said to hold off until you’re done with being pregnant because your teeth will shift again.