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Hair accessories are having a moment (again). Fun headbands, bejeweled clips, and even scrunchies are back. When I first moved into the city, season 1 of Gossip Girl was airing and I was so envious of the Blair Waldorf headbands. The aforementioned may be work-appropriate depending on how ostentatious they are. However, this hair pin is modern, restrained, and work-friendly. I like that it is functional and also minimalist. This Etsy seller also makes other fun shapes, but I like the classic round. The hair clip is $10 on Etsy from DeeAccessoriesShop. Hammered Circle Hair Clip This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
Anyone else fighting constant colds? We have a 3 and 6 yo and have been sick for a solid month, with the 3 yo coming down with something new last night. Can it be spring yet? It’s only December and I’m already so tired of being sick.
Anon says
That was us in September/October. We’ve been healthy for six whole weeks now (knock on wood!!) but I feel you.
Anon says
Yes, toddler started preschool this fall. Someone in our house (usually DH) has been sick since October. Currently toddler has croup, DH and I both picked up the adult equivalent, and I slipped and fell going down the driveway this morning, so definitely winning…. In other news, a small ice baggie makes a decent wrist rest for typing. So ready for this week to be over and it’s only Tuesday.
Anon says
Yesterday at daycare pickup my toddler’s teachers mentioned that while she was eating her forehead briefly broke out in red bumps that went away shortly thereafter. I assume this is some kind of allergic reaction, because an infectious rash wouldn’t just disappear immediately, right? But the weird thing is she’s been at this daycare for over 6 months and has had all the meals many times, and according to the daily report all she ate for a lunch was a hamburger bun (I know…) which seems incredibly unlikely to cause any kind of reaction. She’s had bread/wheat daily for almost a year now (she’s almost two). She’s pale and shows redness super easily (if she cries even briefly she looks like a tomato) and she seems to have inherited my skin, which regularly breaks out in minor rashes that quickly disappear. Do I have to call the ped? I know I probably should, but they’ll just tell us to come in and since it’s flu season I’m a little hesitant to take her in for this and expose her to all the bugs in the waiting room.
Anonymous says
Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about it. My son used to randomly get hives occasionally. Our ped wasn’t concerned.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t worry about it. And I say that as a mom of kids with multiple food allergies. The bun might have had sesame seeds on it and maybe it was the first time she was exposed to it? Usually with little kids, mild facial reactions are because they rubbed food onto their face and irritated the skin.
I have allergies as well and I tend to be more reactive when I have a cold, it’s like my immune system is on high alert and I’ll get a random hive or two sometimes.
NYCer says
I admit that I am not the most cautious parent, but I definitely wouldn’t go to the ped about this (or even call). If it happens again, then I would call, but it kind of just seems like a fluke redness/rash. YMMV!
Pogo says
I’d wait and see. Maybe it was something real, but you won’t know until it happens again.
Hamburger bun is totally a meal my child would eat, solidarity.
rosie says
If she breaks out easily, seems like this could be chalked up to a change in temperature or other minor thing (coming inside, taking off a hat, going from playing to sitting still, touching face with hand sanitizer on hands, etc.). So I would not worry about it once. And hamburger bun is basically what my kid ate for Thanksgiving dinner, so…
Salmon mom says
So I need to buy in-laws a gift as well as some other extended family. My thoughts are to pick up a decent bottle of wine, a locally made pasta sauce a friend sells from her independent grocery store and some locally roasted coffee beans for each household and call it a day. I realize there’s not much thought going into this but I don’t really know these people (and definitely don’t like them). Everything is useful, supports local and can be easily regifted if useless to recipient. Thoughts?
And don’t ask why husband isn’t doing this… if left to his own devices husband will shop on December 10 at a 24 hour pharmacy … he does many things well (he’ll purchase everything for Christmas dinner including accommodating for kids and diets and do 90% of the cooking and baking) but can’t put any effort into presents. I’ve just gotten used to terrible gifts from him.
Anon says
I’d maybe add some fresh/fancy pasta and a holiday or winter-themed kitchen towel. That would round it out to make an intentional-seeming gift basket.
EB says
THANK YOU to the kind soul who shared their trick of pretending there are zoo animals inside your kids mouth to get them to brush their teeth.
When I read that post, I thought there was no way it would work on my kid, but he RUNS into the bathroom at night now and sometimes asks me to go longer and find additional animals. Brush your teeth a little longer? Sure, bud.
Ashley says
Yesss we started this after that tip too, and it’s working so well!
Pogo says
We do it too! I don’t know why it works so well. Kids are funny.
potato says
! Could someone either describe the technique again or post a link? THANK YOU
Ashley says
Pretty much exactly what you think. “Ok, it’s time to brush your teeth! What animals do you think we’ll find tonight? *start brushing* Oh, there’s an elephant! I need to brush it out, wait we lost it, there it is! Oh now I see a panda, better brush it out too!” etc. It’s just silly enough that it distracts my 2yo from the actual brushing. And now when I say, let’s go brush teeth! He responds with “find a-mi-nals?”
Anon says
The version I saw shared was “hunting for bunnies,” in which you search for bunnies hiding in your kid’s teeth. Miraculously works for us, too!
ElisaR says
YES! it was such a good tip and i still use it every night for over a year now.
Anon says
We look for dinosaurs (and practice roaring like one – wide open mouth)
IHeartBacon says
Our bunnies are different colored bunnies. The longer I brush, the more crazy the bunnies (e.g., “I found a pink bunny with yellow spots and green eyes…oh and he’s wearing a hat…and gloves!”
CCLA says
We used this too, thanks to this board! We modified to “sugar monsters” since it was what I could think of in the moment, and the extra clutch part has been counting them. DD is 3 and is super into counting these days, so we count them (1-2-3-4, there are 4 in the back corner having a party!…6-7….etc. I have started letting her brush some with her electric toothbrush and she tells me how many she finds, or sometimes she’ll say there are 37, or 58, so I count slowly or quickly as needed until we find them all (ie until 2 minutes is up!).
Coach Laura says
When we took our daughter to the zoo, they were actually brushing the elephants’ teeth with big toothbrushes. Since then, we always pretended she was the baby elephant. It worked, though it was serendipity that we were there for the tooth-brushing.
Irish Midori says
Ugh. My mom is flying in tomorrow to help with the older kids in preparation for me having a baby, and I just found out she hasn’t had a flu shot. Further, she has NEVER had a flu shot, and doesn’t want to get one because she’s “afraid it would trigger an illness.” I knew my mom was a little bit “crunchy,” but did not realize she was this way about vaccines. She definitely wasn’t when I was growing up–we had all our shots on time and flu shots every season. I don’t want to fight her about it, but I also know she is highly susceptible to illnesses, and kinda don’t want her around my newborn.
LittleBigLaw says
This would make me very concerned that she hasn’t gotten her TDAP shot, either. I think it’s completely reasonable to insist that she get both before being around a newborn. My parents were very resistant to this but because it was a deal breaker for me, they eventually got on board.
octagon says
Everyone has a different tolerance, but I would play the doctor card: Mom, you are going to be in an airplane full of people with different germs, I can’t risk you getting sick. Get your shot now. (At the same time, even if she got it today she wouldn’t be fully protected, so you have to weigh that.)
I would definitely ask her about other vaccinations though.
RR says
Your delivery hospital may help you with this too. When I had my twins in the winter, people weren’t allowed to visit without a flu shot (or maybe kids weren’t allowed to visit without a flu shot and I extrapolated). It could impact her (or your kids if they got sick) being able to visit the baby. Not to mention the potential to make the baby sick.
Irish Midori says
Ooh, I didn’t think about that. That’s a good point.
NYCer says
Just an FYI that my baby was born in February and this definitely wasn’t the rule at my hospital in NYC. (i.e., they didn’t ask about vaccines of any visitors)
Anon says
My sister is a nurse and I’ve never heard of a hospital demanding a visitor’s vaccine records. Are you sure you’re not thinking of them banning visitors who actually have the flu and/or RSV? That’s a much more common restriction. Fwiw, I delivered in February and I don’t believe visitors had to go through any kind of official check, but there were signs that people who were sneezing or coughing should not visit the mother-baby ward (I assume because RSV can present in adults as basically a common cold).
Anon says
Having a policy requiring visitors to have a flu shot doesn’t mean they actually demand to see the records.
RR says
So as I think about it, I think it was limited to kids under 12. But, there were definitely signs, and my understanding is that they would have required proof of vaccination for older siblings to visit. We didn’t have older kids at the time, but it came up on our hospital tour. I told all of our adult visitors that they had to get flu shots if they wanted to come to the hospital and see the twins. This was also 12 years ago, so I’m not arguing whether it’s still the case or was the case everywhere. I’m just saying that the OP could use it to her benefit.
Anonymous says
For my January baby, they just banned (not just-born) kids in the maternity ward. Children under 12 iirc weren’t allowed past the waiting area. But yes, never heard of asking for vaccine records, or even an honor system about vaccines. For the staff, yes, but not visitors.
Irish Midori says
I asked her to ask her doctor about it (who will almost certainly say get it). She said she will ask, but even if he says it’s fine she doesn’t want to take it, but will ask just for me. *sigh* She lost her faith in doctors some years ago, I guess. I get it, to some extent, but I’m kinda big on vaccines. I think I’d be willing to let the DTAP go if she’ll get the flu. We’ll just wash hands a lot.
And I guess I do have to admit the possibility that there’s a medical reason she shouldn’t vaccinate, in which case, I don’t want her to risk her health. But in that case, I’m not sure it’s a good idea for her to be around a newborn if she’s that immunocompromised either, eh? Anyway, she’s agreed to ask her doctor, so I’ll see.
Anonymous says
I would not let the TDAP go at all. That would be a deal breaker, especially if she’s getting on a plane!
I would tell her that I need flu shot and TDAP, and if she’s not willing to do that let me know ASAP because I will need other childcare during delivery and she won’t be able to meet new baby until baby has had more vaccines. That should do it.
2 Cents says
Not to be alarmist, but The whooping cough virus lives in nasal passages and older folks are at higher risk for carrying it. I’d back down on flu before dtap, personally.
BeenThatGuy says
+1 both my nieces got whooping cough at the ages of 4 and 7. They are now 10 and 15 and anytime they get sick, it’s an AWFUL upper respiratory infection or once pneumonia. This will effect them for life. Don’t back down!
Anon says
Agree that TDaP (well the P, whooping cough) is a bigger deal than flu, especially this early in the flu season. I insisted on both for any visitors who were going to be sleeping in our home or holding the baby, but I’d back down on flu before TDaP.
Anonymous says
TDAP is more important than flu shot. There is a reason why your OB bugs you about getting a tdap during your third trimester- so your baby can have some of your immunity for two months before they get their vaccine. Whooping cough can and does kill babies.
anon says
Totally your call, but pertussis is a big deal for newborns.
MamaLlama says
My OB insisted that anyone holding the baby should get TDAP so that’s what we told our families. We’re very pro-vax, so there was only a little grumbling. I would tell your mom either your OB or the kids’ ped insists on these shots for anyone spending much time with the baby. (sorry if this posts twice)
Anon says
I’d back down on flu before TDAP, but our entire family had to get vaccinated because of my mom’s chemo, so I didn’t have to fight this battle on the baby visits.
RR says
I think the TDAP is more important than the flu shot. Both are pretty bad for newborns, obviously, but pertussis is especially scary for newborns.
Anonymous says
Well you can either fight her about it or have someone you know isn’t vaccinated around your newborn. Sorry, them’s the breaks.
SC says
+1. I’m late to this post, but your first job as a parent is to do everything you can to keep your kid safe. This is likely not the first instance where kid-related safety measures cause tension with family members. We’ve navigated car seat installations, an aggressive dog, an unsecured pool, and firearms. That’s not to say I’ve gotten 100% of what I want out of these conversations, but we’ve found solutions that may be inconvenient but keep our kid safe.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t allow her around the baby or your kids. Even if an adult is not sick from the flu , they can still transmit it to others.
I’m pretty crunchy about most things (non-CIO, pro-doula, babywearing, extended nursing, yoga, organic, yada, yada) but I have zero time for people that put kids at risk- like babies who are too young to get vaccinated. Anti-vaxxers give us crunchy types a bad name.
Pogo says
It baffles me that there are so many seemingly normal, well-educated adults who don’t get vaccines. I recently found out a coworker is anti-vax (not because of autism but because he thinks the flu vaccine makes you sick, and the others “aren’t needed”). Otherwise he is a very intelligent person. So bizarre (and also, I feel bad for his poor kids!).
Anon says
I feel like this community would appreciate this:
I volunteer with first graders (it’s super fun, but that’s not the point). We read stories from a generic “See Spot Run” reader. This week’s story was about a little girl who is sad she has to go to aftercare (to be fair, she’s only sad in the beginning, then she grows to like it). The story specifically says she has to go to aftercare “because her mommy works and can’t pick her up from school.” No mention of her dad, of course. So annoying that we’re still giving kids messages like this!
Anon says
Oops totally in the wrong place. Meant to start a new thread, sorry Pogo!
Anon says
Honestly, drag your mom to the Minute Clinic when she gets into town tomorrow. This stuff isn’t optional.
rosie says
Even if it could “trigger an illness,” if her doctor says it’s medically ok, she needs to get it. If your newborn spikes a fever, it will trigger an LP and sepsis workup (it’s not fun to watch your baby get a cath and blooddraw in the ER either, but I guess the LP is probably the most terrifying). Totally agree she needs tdap as well. A friend in college got whopping cough (pertussis) and it was terrible, broke ribs coughing.
Anon says
I had whooping cough when I was a teenager – a very, very healthy and strong teenager, and it was still brutal. It’s frightening because you literally choke on phlegm until you cough up these massive wads of it. At least healthy adults can cough the stuff up; I would be terrified of a newborn having that stuck in their airways.
Annie says
So my mom was like this and I asked my OB-GYN, who said it was necessary. I told my mom that she could not hold the baby unless she got a flu shot and then she did it. I’d draw a hard line here personally.
Annie says
Adding – I also insisted on TDAP. I’d hold firm on both.
Anonymous says
Most of the people in my family don’t bother getting the flu shot, but when I knew they’d all be around my newborn around the holidays, I insisted that nobody who didn’t get a flu shot could be in the same room as the baby. Everyone got the flu shot.
ALC says
Any tips for soothing a congested baby? My 5-month old has his first cold and was up all night. I think he hates the sensation of having his nose full but doesn’t know how to blow his nose yet.
AwayEmily says
Saline, saline, saline. Comes in a can in the baby aisle. Put some in about an hour before bed and a lot of the snot will run out. It’s hugely helpful (and pro tip: works for congested adults, too!).
EB says
And put in more at one time that you think you should. Like several drops in each nostril. And then do the nose frida afterwards.
Anon says
NoseFrida. Yes, it’s gross, yes it’s worth it. Use with saline.
Anonymous says
Doesn’t that get the parent sick?
Anon says
You get sick because you’re in a house with a sick kid, and your body’s immune system is shot because you just had a baby and it’s tired.
Signed, I got sick last winter but my husband did almost all of the NoseFrida-ing
Anon says
I never used the Nose Frida, but you’re going to be exposed to the germs no matter what. Babies and toddlers have no hygiene skills, they will sneeze on you, stick their hands in their mouth and then in your mouth etc. No real way to avoid it.
If you went to daycare as a child, you may fair somewhat better as far as actually getting sick. My husband (daycare kid) catches about 1/3 of the colds my kid brings home but I (had a SAHM) get all of them.
ALC says
Truth. Baby sneezed on his hand, then put it in my mouth last night. Not great!
Anonanonanon says
If you don’t want to use the nose frida, I find the old school bulb syringe works just fine (I throw it away after the cold, though. I don’t believe they can truly be cleaned)
Anonymous says
I’m team bulb syringe since I can never use the nose frida properlu
Anon says
I’m team bulb syringe too – I wash with hot soapy water and let drip dry, and it’s fine.
Pogo says
All of the above, plus humidifier.
Anonymous says
All of the above, and run the shower at its hottest with the door closed so the bathroom so it fills with steam. Then sit there a breathe for 10+ minutes.
Anon says
Yes. And if you don’t have one downstairs you can put a pot of water on the stove to simmer lightly (just don’t let it go dry).
Honeycrisp says
+1 to the saline and NoseFrida recommendations. A cool mist humidifier also helps, and just a little bit of Vick’s BabyRub on baby’s feet or chest (NOT VapoRub; BabyRub).
Ms B says
Cosign on the BabyRub, we liked to do chest, back and feet, then cover feet with cotton socks. My MIL swears by this method and it seemed to ease The Kid’s breathing (and still does, plus the lavender BabyRub smells great)!
ElisaR says
we also put a rolled up towel under the crib mattress to elevate baby’s head a little bit. not sure if it helps or not!
Annie says
The thing that works the best is to hold the baby in a steamy bathroom for five minutes.
Clementine says
Guys, I’m having one of those weeks where one side of my brain is thinking how blessed I am with such an abundent life full of friends and joy and activities…
The other side of my brain is just screaming because I don’t know if I’ll ever sleep again. Also, pretty sure when my MIL (who is honestly just a totally lovely human) comes over tonight I’m going to ask her to help me with housework.
SC says
My MIL helps us with housework pretty frequently (maybe once a month?). I used to be embarrassed by it, but I accepted that sometimes we need help, or at least that help makes things much easier.
FVNC says
Late to the conversation, but my MIL would be happy to help with housework — she hates not having a task! Hope you get some rest soon…
Anonymous says
Guys, help me party plan. I went crazy and invited a bunch of ladies in my town over for a cookie swap/ party. Families welcome. It’s 3:30-6. Most of the people invited have kids ages 2-4 (my own kids are almost 2, 3.5, and 6). I’m expecting 5-6 families, some adults-only and some with kids.
I am planning on having kid food/snacks as it’ll be early kid dinnertime: hot dogs or pigs in a blanket, mac and cheese, chicken nuggets. Water (though at this age kids tend to BYO water bottles).
For adults, I said I’d do adult drinks and heavy hors d’ourves–maybe something that could count as dinner, but I don’t want people expecting a full meal and leaving hungry. What are some good options? Something like mini sliders (make your own?)? Chili is easy but sort of un-Christmas-y (more tailgate-y).
The main event is the bringing of cookies, standing around and sipping cocktails in the snowy weather. For those that bring kids, I have a playroom full of toys and i’ll put Frozen on. If it ends up being more older preschoolers, I have cookies to decorate, or some snowman stickers to throw on a table covered in paper to color on.
Anon says
I would go to Trader Joe’s and buy anything that looks good in their frozen appetizer section. They have lots, it’s all good and very easy
Anonymous says
Already part of my plan. I was thinking of something as more of a “light main” in addition to passed hot apps. Is that just too much food?
Clementine says
What about adding something like a spiral ham with rolls and mustard?
ElisaR says
ham was going to be my suggestion! so easy and always a hit.
Anonanonanon says
Trader Joe’s frozen appetizers as suggested above. In addition, frozen sister schubert’s parker house rolls. Do them as little sandwichsed; half ham and swiss, half roast beef with provolone and horseradish mayo.
Anonymous says
https://damndelicious.net/2019/11/30/leftover-thanksgiving-sliders/
Works with lunchmeat or shredded chicken, not just leftover turkey.
anon8 says
I like ham and cheese sliders using those mini Kings Hawaiian rolls. I use the recipe from Annie’s Eats (now Everyday Annie) as an inspiration, but I omit the poppy seeds. They are easy to grab and eat one handed and don’t require a place. There is also a pizza version on Mel’s Kitchen Cafe.
The sweet and spicy pecan recipe from Once Upon a Chef is really good too.
For Trader Joe’s, I love the mini beef tacos.
AwayEmily says
First, I definitely don’t think anyone would expect a full meal with that time slot. I would be pleasantly surprised to find anything more substantial than a bowl of pretzels.
Second, I would avoid having a hot oven on if there are going to be lots of kids running around (and also it makes less work for you to have to keep checking on things).
So I would do:
– little rolls with ham/turkey/cheese, as suggested earlier
– mini carrots and hummus
– already-peeled clementines
– cracker assortment and a “heavy” dip
– a few cheeses
– a few little bowls of kid-friendly snacks (goldfish, pretzels, babybels)
Put everything out and then enjoy your friends for the whole time without worrying about what’s coming out of the oven next.
The other option, which I have FULLY embraced since having small kids, is to order a ready-made platter. We live near Wegmans, which has tons of options ranging from more appetizer-y to more full meal-y.
Anonymous says
Wegmans for the win!! I drive 35 mins one way to pick up Wegmans platters, cakes, etc..,for my daughters birthday and it was so easy and also delicious.
Divest from in-laws says
Hey all,
I am especially cranky this morning and have a scenario to run by you all — I need some calming advice:
(1) we make the most money out of my husband’s sibling group by a decent amount (we are at 150K ,down from 250K because we moved for my job and husband is managing the move-in and all of that before job hunting. Not sure but I don’t think the others at at six figures)
(2) when we announced our move there were lots of hurt feelings from my husband’s family, especially his mom and dad. MIL had been providing childcare for a our twins one day a week, although it really had been more like 4-5 hours per day, with H coming home early or using his flexibility. It hadn’t been great childcare imo but free is free and I like that she saw them so often.
(3) About a month after we moved, MIL flies out to visit and help us unpack etc. She tells us that before she knew we were moving, she was going to “buy out her contract” with us by giving us money for the rest of the year to cover more nanny hours. Since “if we give money to one child we always give to the others,” they had also decided to give husband’s brother and husband’s sister money. They told the siblings about this and then we announced we were moving (I think the next day or something).
(4) All during the prep for our move we didn’t know about this. MIL tells us this now and offers us $1500 for something we can use around the house. What we’d really like to do is use it to travel (5 year wedding anniversary in March) but she says we can’t, it has to be a capital good. Which is fine. I think they’d be okay with us putting it in the kids college fund, which has been neglected, and so we are thinking about doing that.
I am wondering if they didn’t tell us because they weren’t sure they wanted to “buy us out” given that we were moving. I am a bit hurt that during the “why are you leaving here why” and “MIL basically raised these kids and you are taking them away from her” no mention was made that she had decided to not provide childcare (totally in her rights, but not mentioned while we were the bad ones for moving).
These events plus the weird dynamic of “buying us out” but then giving money to BIL and SIL has made me wonder if we shouldn’t just say no to the money and tell them that we won’t be counting on financial assistance from them in the future.
There is this money we could say no to, and then also a further 10K for a down payment that is on the table for when we buy a house.
I am getting a bit sick of the financial intimacy of husband’s family. MIL has made some comments in the past about how much money I make that make it seem like she thinks its unfair compared to how much money SIL (her daughter) makes (which is weird because I think if my husband were making it it would thought of as a good thing). My salary is public information because its government, but whatever husband makes will most likely not be. We could start making a repeated point to not talk about money with them, could avoid joint Christmas gifts, and respectfully refuse gifts. It just feels like with this financial assistance comes a (few) strings, and I am sort of done with any strings at all? Plus I am grumpy.
I’d love to hear from folks on this thread about this. We don’t have any money for a down payment saved up but I do think if we just decided to do things by ourselves it might be better in the long run.
Anonymous says
When someone offers you $1500, you say thank you and spend in what they have said it is for (unless it’s something unreasonable like a puppy). If they don’t want to fund your vacation, that’s their perogative. Buy drapes, put it in the kids college fund, whatever passes muster with them.
Don’t talk about money with them. Ignore the various comments around careers and salaries. Lots of ‘pink collar’ jobs like social workers, nurses and teachers are not paid as much as they should be.
100% don’t count on financial assistance in the future. If they offer, say thank you. If there’s some string attached that you can’t live with (like here’s $1500 to buy the kids a puppy), then you note your gratitude and graciously decline. You do not get snippy that they won’t fund your vacay.
You’re complaining about your in-laws, who you just moved away from, giving you money with very few restrictions. I know this is a stressful time for you but you’re being pretty unreasonable.
anon says
Agreed. Honestly, they used to provide you childcare- sounds pretty great! I want these in-laws!
But finances between family members is always stressful. We make significantly more than my siblings, and so we don’t protest and it doesn’t bother us when they tend to help them out a bit more financially than we do. But I do think it’s nice that they try to keep it somewhat even (like your inlaws, it sounds like).
Anon says
All of this.
Anonymous says
I agree with the comments above. Take the money and put it in a college fund if that’s cool with them. If not, find something it IS cool to use it for and buy that. Kids room furniture for the new house? A nice wine fridge?
Or don’t accept it.
Re: hurt feelings on childcare, I’d think of it this way: she probably really liked being around the kids, but not HAVING to be around the kids (ie as an Official Childcare Provider). My mom has been hinting that she could replace my nanny and I will hear none of it. I’d rather just give her cash if she needs money than employ her. Then I have to do things like be annoyed when she randomly goes on vacation, or isn’t available to stay an extra hour to cover meetings even though we talked about it. Instead, we use grandma visits as “bonus” time- she gets to be fun grandma and we get a surprise child free (or fewer children–we have 3 and she doesn’t usually take all 3) day.
Anon says
what…exactly is the complaint?
SC says
I would accept the money with the strings attached, as long as I felt they were happily giving the money. They want to be generous but want to feel that they’re helping/making a difference, not funding a vacation. There’s always something in a house to spend money on! Plus, something in my house breaks at least once a month, so $1500 in a “rainy day”/repair fund would probably get used up quickly. (I moved into my house a year ago, and we’ve spent thousands on repairs and small upgrades. Today, my house needs about $500 for important repairs, and we could spend another $1000 on lower priority repairs without even trying.) You can use their money for the house and then use surplus from your budget to go on vacation.
Accepting a gift does not mean you have to discuss your financial situation with them, except to say thank you and how you used it. You also shouldn’t count on financial assistance in the future–it’s a welcome blessing when you receive it.
I understand it’s frustrating that they were treating you like the bad guys for moving away. I think it’s likely that their feelings were hurt and they were deciding about whether to give you $1500, and if so, how they wanted to frame it. But your MIL also flew out to help you unpack, and offered the money, so they seem to be trying to get over their hurt feelings and do their best for you.
rosie says
I agree. It sounds like they are generally well-intentioned and trying to help. I wouldn’t count on getting any money from them, but if they are offering the $1500, I’d accept and use it as detailed here. If you’re getting to a point where gifts are accompanied by an expectation that you will discuss your financial situation with them, then it might be time to politely decline. I will say that I do think it’s a little weird that they looked up your salary info and discuss it, apparently.
Anon says
I understand not wanting to get money with stings attached, but I don’t really see what the strings are here. Giving you money and asking you to put it towards X is fairly common with large gifts, and is not what I would call a string, especially since X is pretty broad here.
Full disclosure, our house loan is from my parents and I never would have agreed to do it through my in-laws because they’re a) litigious, b) not nearly as financially secure as my parents and c) overbearing busybodies who would probably be criticizing us regardless of how fast we repaid,and wanting to know way too much information about our finances and our other expenses. However, your in-laws sound much less obnoxious than mine, and even in my situation I’d happily accept a gift from my in-laws if they wanted to give us a gift.
Anon says
Agreed. Sounds like there have been some awkward times but your in-laws have gone out of their way to help you. Don’t make it into an issue. Rejecting the money would be offensive. Just journal about it, or vent to a friend, but don’t draw any lines.
Anon says
I disagree with everyone else. Sounds like you’ll benefit from moving away and getting a few more boundaries in place between you and the ILs. Comments like “MIL practically raised the baby” are wildly inappropriate even if she provided free five day a week care, let alone in your situation. Moving for a job is not a betrayal and it concerns me that you’re being treated as a bad guy for prioritizing your career.
I’d accept the money graciously. If they ask how you spent it or what your plans are, I’d say it’s in a “rainy day fund” to help cover unexpected expenses with the move, since you know things always pop up in a new place. Then a year from now, you say it was used on unexpected expenses with the move. Never elaborate, as I’m not sure why they need details on your spending habits. Don’t count on any future financial gifts but be pleasantly surprised if they occur.
Count your blessings that you already had plans to move before she dropped the “buy out” scenario on you. I’m not sure what your care situation is for the other 4 days but either you can easily change from 4 days to 5 (in which case was she really helping you out or were you helping her have extra time with grandkids), or you would be in a tough spot trying to find immediate part time care for only one day a week.
Anonymous says
It’s rude AF to take money and not say what you spent it on. If you don’t want it, don’t take it but don’t expect ppl to think you are anything other than rude if you just say ‘unexpected expenses’.
Anon says
No it’s definitely NOT rude to take money and not say what you spent it on. When you give cash or a gift card for a wedding gift, do you attach conditions on what they can spend it on? No, and you definitely don’t then follow up to make sure that’s how they spent it. The entire point of a gift is that you give it and then it’s not yours to control anymore.
Anonymous says
Nope. But it’s not their wedding. And when you write your wedding thank you notes you state what you used the money for. At least people with manners do….
Anon says
Clearly we have different views on this. Saying “Thank you for the money. We are saving it for expenses as we move to our new home.” is perfectly acceptable from a manners standpoint.
RR says
I just don’t accept money from family. We make more than my parents or my husband’s parents have ever made in a year in their lives. It always feels awkward to me to take money from them. So, that’s the direction I would go. But, if your husband’s parents have plenty of money and want to share it and you want to take it, just say thank you and move on.
LHW says
I will be resigning from my job tomorrow to stay at home with my baby who will be arriving in mid-February.
I have always envisioned being SAHM and am excited to be in the position to do so. I have my resignation letter, I’m giving 5 weeks notice and I think I will be leaving on good terms.
I am trying to figure out how to phrase to coworkers and friends that I’ve decided to quit to stay home. I don’t want to say “I’ve decided to put my family first” because that means working family members don’t. I don’t want to say “I want to focus on my family” because it has the same connotation. “I’ve decided I want my primary focus to be my family” this seems weird too.
Any thoughts?
AwayEmily says
Congrats!!! I would say “I’m going to to take some time to be home with my baby” or something along those lines. In other words, just describe what you are doing! The nice thing is that this also leaves the door open in case you do decide to rejoin the workforce down the road…”some time” could be a year or it could be ten.
Anon says
+1 love this phrasing. Congrats!!
Anon says
Agree with this.
Also, if people ask for how long, you can vaguely say that it’s the right decision *for your family,* for now; you’ll be home “for a while;” and you’ll “see how things play out.” If you’re pressed, just tell people that life happens, things change, and you aren’t going to make definitive statements about what your circumstances will be years down the road.
Batgirl says
I think you’re right that the phrases you’re thinking about above aren’t great — as a working mom, they’d make me ragey and I don’t think I’m super sensitive! :) . I would simply say “I’ve always dreamed of being a stay at home parent (better than “mom” if you ask me) and have decided to pursue that.”
Anonymous says
“I’ve decided to stay home with my baby.” or “I’ve decided to leave my job to stay home with the baby.”
Anything that about ‘putting family first or focusing on family first’ will not be well received and is frankly not accurate. What it means to focus on one’s family or put the kids first is different for every family. Sometimes putting your family first means you work outside the home. As one example, we could not afford to visit DH’s family with three kids on another continent once or twice a year if I didn’t work. It is very important for their language, family connections and cultural intergration that they visit regularly. In our family, my working is 100% putting them first. If I stayed home, in my situation, I would be putting myself first. Each family and situation is personal, so just reference your decision to stay home.
Anon says
“What it means to focus on one’s family or put the kids first is different for every family.”
We could afford to live, but not to retire or put our child through college, on my husband’s salary. Last I checked, it’s good for our child in the long run if we are able to support ourselves in retirement and start him off with a college degree and minimal debt.
LHW says
100% Completely agree with you!
Anonymous says
I would go with “taking some time to be with family” or “taking some time to be home with the new baby.” That’s just factual.
I would not even get into “being a SAHM” since for all you know you’ll decide it isn’t for you after a few years and be circling back to reconnect and get plugged back into work. or not! either is fine, but no need to make blanket statements when something more neutral will serve the same purpose.
Anonymous says
And you didn’t ask this, but have a phrase like “it feels right for me, for now” in your back pocket. It’s a polite response to “ARE YOU SUREEEE?” and other well meaning (or not) reactions to the news.
AwayEmily says
+1, this is a great phrase because it is about YOU and your feelings and so well-meaning people (I am embarrassed to say I have been this well-meaning person before) cannot try to logic you out of it.
Nan says
Yes, this! Congrats
Anonymous says
So I’ve been on this board since I used to be a working mommy but now am a SAHM. My manager arranged for a breakfast meeting the morning after I told her to announce my departure and I said “I don’t have another position I’m leaving to be a stay at home mom”. Any other discussion was phrased as “this is the right decision for our family”. Sometimes I mentioned that my husband worked a lot (which truly was a huge part of our decision) but I was also honest about the fact that I had wanted to stay at home with my child and some other pieces fell into place to make it possible. I did receive questions about whether I’d return to work and I gave an honest answer – hopefully eventually on a part time basis, but not in the near future. Everyone was extremely supportive. I only got one “won’t you be bored??” From a 20 something male to which I described “I have a toddler. No, I won’t be bored”. Congratulations!! I love staying at home but it’s not for everyone. My unsolicited advice is to join a moms group ASAP (look through your delivering hospital, Facebook, google). I have an awesome group and it makes life 10x easier.
Anon says
Congrats! I would simply say “I’ve decided to leave and stay home with my baby.” Personally, I would probably add “for a while” at the end of that sentence since it leaves open a door to return, which can’t hurt, since odds are good that at some point – even if it’s 20+ years from now – you will be interested in returning to the workforce.
I agree that it is not the nicest phrasing to say anything about putting your family first and wouldn’t be received well by working moms and many working dads I know, including my husband.
Anonymous says
“I’m quitting to be a stay at home mom.”
Don’t try and dress it up with weirdly judgmental defensiveness and it won’t sound judgy.
Anon says
(Re-posting because I messed up and posted it in a thread above..)
I feel like this community would appreciate this:
I volunteer with first graders (it’s super fun, but that’s not the point). We read stories from a generic “See Spot Run” reader. This week’s story was about a little girl who is sad she has to go to aftercare (to be fair, she’s only sad in the beginning, then she grows to like it). The story specifically says she has to go to aftercare “because her mommy works and can’t pick her up from school.” No mention of her dad, of course. So annoying that we’re still giving kids messages like this!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Ugh. Any chance you could raise it with the teachers as an issue? Surely they can find books that don’t promote this (unless I am totally off on my elementary school kid book knowledge).
Anon says
I thought about it, but I’m not sure the teacher chose the book – it may be used school-wide for all the first grade classes. Plus, to be blunt, while she’s a lovely person, she’s (like many teachers in our district) a former SAHM who seems fairly traditional about gender roles, and I don’t know that my complaint would be well-received.
Anon says
AYFKM?
Last I checked, in some 30% or so of two-parent families, the mother outearns the father. In those cases, would we say that the child has to go to aftercare because her father insists on working instead of caring for her?
LadyNFS says
So frustrating! Can you change the words when you read it? Might not work if the 1st graders can read, but I have a 2 year old and am constantly changing the words or messaging in books that I read to her (many of which were either gifted or from the library so I have not vetted first).
Anon says
They’re reading to me and the point is to help them learn to recognize and say new words, so no, I can’t change the words :) But I have a 2 year old myself and do change pronouns when I read to her.
Anonymous says
Ha, at dinner last night my first grader commented out of nowhere, “daddy earns more money than mommy,” My husband and I both corrected that I make almost 2x as much, with sidebars about private sector vs government salaries and that daddy gets better benefits and more time off. We were baffled where he even got that idea to begin with, but maybe his class is reading books like this too!
Buble says
UGHHHH no!! That’s seriously so awful/annoying. To me after care is just a part of school — more socializing, more play time, etc. After all, there are plenty of kids whose “mommies” don’t pick them up who also don’t go to aftercare — who either go home with dad, a nanny, an older sibling, or to grandma’s or a neighbor’s house, or go to a different extracurricular. Alternatively, I know there are some kids who go to aftercare whose “mommies” could pick them up but they go for the activities/enrichment.