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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Anon says
Last night DH and I were discussing our lack of gardening. I asked him if he just didn’t want to in general or didn’t want to with me, and he essentially said he didn’t find me attractive. Of course I’m incredibly hurt by that. I slept in a different room last night and told him this morning that he needs to decide if this is a temporary thing or a dealbreaker for our relationship. We’ve never had an especially intense gardening relationship from the start, but it has become practically non-existent since the baby was born.
I’m not sure how I come back from this with my self esteem. We’ve been together 7 years and have a 12mo. I haven’t dramatically changed my hair or weight since we’ve been together. I feel like the answer is counseling, but I’m just hurt and blindsided this morning. I really don’t want to separate
Anon says
I’m sorry. That’s so hard.
If it helps, my DH and I had a lot of tension about lack of gardening when we had a 10-12 mo. He was fatalistic that things would always be that way post kids. Instead, things slowly improved as I healed physically, stopped bf, and the baby got bigger and slept more. It just took us a while to adapt to being parents. By the time the baby was 2, we were back where we were pre-kids and both good.
The second time around it was less of a shock to our relationship, but still took longer than those you hear about who are back to normal at 6 weeks.
Looking back, I think he feels silly for being so upset at 10-12 months. It felt to him like by a year everything should be normal, but for us it was still early days and we certainly hadn’t hit a new normal yet.
Anonymous says
We had a similar experience. It got a lot better around 12 months when our kid was sleeping better, and I stopped BFing.
Spirograph says
Same.
OP, I’m sorry, that’s a really upsetting thing to hear from your partner. I do think it probably has more to do with both of your adjustment to being parents than it has to do with any attributes of you as a person, and that adjustment takes more time than you might think. A year seems like a long time, but there are just so many changes in the first year, so little sleep and so many hormones, and BFing is such a huge factor (or at least it was for me)… We had to actually schedule for a while, around a year after baby #1. but we got back to a good place, and I hope you do too.
Anon says
we are kind of in the reverse situation where i have ZERO interest and just feel so touched out and would rather spend my limited free time doing other things. i am not that attracted to DH at the moment, though in part bc he just doesn’t do the little things like he used to, like give me a kiss good bye or hello etc. i do take Zoloft and i have heard that can have a big impact so when my life settles down a bit i hope to try to switch to a different medication.
anon for this too says
same here, minus the Zoloft.. I feel like I finally started enjoying it again after pandemic burnout, youngest getting a little easier – and then I got pregnant and I just have zero interest now.
Anon for this says
Not to suggest that this is a minor problem that can be fixed w/ an Instagr*m influencer, but I started following a s*x therapist (Vanessa Marin) and for me (I’m the one who’s low drive, mostly hormonal/exhaustion not attraction due to a 10mo old) it has been super helpful – cognitive reframing of scenarios, ideas of things to try, etc.
Hugs. This would be incredibly hard for me to hear and I don’t know you of course but I promise you are attractive and beautiful.
Anonymous says
Ok ladies let’s all agree to nip this in the bud. When your husband straight up tells you that he doesn’t find you attractive, the answer is never “omg I promise I’m not fat” it is always that he is trash.
Nyc says
…It can be neither option? Is dishonesty preferred?
Anon4This says
*He is behaving like trash…let’s not partner bash when folks are at their worst.
Anonymous says
Oh sorry I wasn’t sympathetic enough to the jerk husband
Anonymous says
ugh. I’m very, very sympathetic to the OP, and she’s right to be upset, but I think we can safely assume that one paragraph on an internet forum does not reflect the sum total of the person the comment is about. Especially when we know this is a really emotionally-charged situation likely precipitated by a season of life that is known to be very hard. Her husband said something that hurt her. Let’s not paint it with a broader brush than that.
AnotherAnon says
Three years ago I was in this situation, but I was the husband. Trust me, the last thing I needed was to be called trash for how I felt about gardening. Try a little empathy.
Anonymous says
Three years ago you told your husband you found him unattractive?
AnotherAnotherAnon says
Yeah, this was me at one point too. It was a really upsetting conversation for both of us. DH asked if I still found him attractive, if we should consider an open relationship. I don’t think I said I found him unattractive, but he might have taken it that way. what was actually happening is that I was overwhelmed, exhausted, felt like I’d lost my sense of self, needed more help than I was asking for, etc etc. I think it’s a not-uncommon phase that parents of young kids go through.
anon says
yeah this is a completely unhelpful response to the problem posed here. she just said she doesn’t want to separate so how does referring to her husband as a person as “trash” assist her with finding a solution?
anonymommy says
Yes – there’s been a trend in “anonymous” posts with knee-jerk reactions that are basically urging asap divorce. I’ve wondered before where this person/people found their perfect spouses and friends. Let’s have some nuance, folks, before calling the husband/father of poster’s child “trash.”
EDAnon says
I would be crushed by a comment from my husband saying he didn’t find me attractive. This is the person I plan to be married to at 90, so I won’t look the best and I expect him to be nice about it! Even when I don’t find him attractive, I keep it to myself. I try to never intentionally make him feel bad. I do that accidentally often enough.
I would reflect on the conversation – how you took it, what he may have meant. And if you don’t get to “well, it was a misunderstanding” pretty quickly, I would start therapy together to figure out a way forward. You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you.
I do agree with others that the first year is hard on parents. And I probably said some stuff I didn’t mean. It’s a tough stage.
Anon4This says
Hi there. Just sending you a lot of love and light.
FWIW – DH and I almost lost our way last year, in part due to a surprise second pregnancy (he was leaning towards not expanding our family, while I still wanted a second child). Thanks to therapy and some big, challenging life events (including a parent of mine passing suddenly), we’re doing better. DH is continuing therapy on his own right now. We were not gardening as we usually would through my pregnancy. It took us 5 months after baby arrived to garden again, and we are still trying to find time, emotional space, etc. to do so. I agree with other posters generally – dropping BF, having a baby that sleeps through, all helps immensely with gardening. Right now, baby goes down around 7:30-8 PM. By the time I’ve put him down, wrapped up work/prep for the next day, maybe watched some TV or read, it’s time to dream feed and then pass out (which I often do while feeding)…which doesn’t allow much time for intimacy.
TLDR – His reaction isn’t acceptable, but there are likely other deeper things going on there, which the birth of a child and the first year will absolutely trigger. Therapy will absolutely help. It’s NOT you.
Anonymous says
Question: did he say you are unattractive, or did he say things like “it’s hard to find you attractive right now” with some follow up explanation? Because DH and I have been in the latter and it really didn’t have to do with physical appearance. I was exhausted and strung out on no sleep; I was crabby and he wasn’t pulling his weight around the house. I didn’t want to get into bed with him after 4 hours of sleep and cleaning up after him and the kids all day. On top of that, my s*x drive was super low. I was also touched-out by all the kids.
That’s just one example. That was a couple years ago and we’ve made great progress. For us, it was just a season. Also, DH does so much more around the house and we are a team again. That’s very attractive.
anon says
I think many of us have been in the latter scenario. This is really good advice.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, hopefully it’s the latter because calling your partner unattractive is a very mean thing to say. And is not what marriage is about. We are not going to look like we did when we first met (in our early 20s!) for the rest of our lives, and that’s just part of growing old together. To me, a partner is attractive when he respects me and respects the family life that he’s created, regardless of his physical appearance.
OP says
Thank you for all the feedback and support. I don’t remember the words exactly, but I was prompting him about is it just your drive is down or is it something else? As in are you self gardening or wanting to but not feeling it with me. It’s not like he said you aren’t attractive straight out, but he isn’t feeling as s*xually attracted to me as he used to.
I know deep deep down this is probably a result of a crazy year and all the identity shift of becoming parents, but it still hurt.
I feel fine about our relationship. I’m not jumping for joy happy, but I’m not worried about our intimacy as more than just a phase. I haven’t really been excited lately either. fwiw, we are both on ssri’s which I know doesn’t help the drive situation.
Anon says
Just remember that biology doesn’t want you be to gardening right now. Biology wants a gap between babies and hormones help make this happen. Give yourself some grace and know that a lot may fix itself in the next 12 months.
(And if your DH is still off, he should talk to his Dr about his SSRI and options)
Anon says
What? This is untrue. Plenty of couples resume a relatively normal sex life starting 6-8 weeks postpartum. Not like every day, but once a week is pretty common. At least, I did.
Anonymous says
Anon @12:06, I think you might be in the minority.
Anon says
There are lots of studies on birth spacing and negative outcomes for more closely spaced pregnancies. BF play a key biological role in preventing back to back pregnancies, but there are other hormonal changes over the first year too, including v dryness, feeling touched out, and the effects of sleep deprivation.
Setting norms here says
Um, I never started a regular gardening life until around a year. And honestly once a week would take two years. And we have a very healthy gardening relationship now.
6-8 weeks was torture. Once I weaned around 10 months it got gradually better. I think that poster is in the minority in a big way.
Anon says
As a counterpoint, we resumed at just under 6 months. And it was great before and it’s been great since, and my husband had zero issues with the timing. Everyone is different.
Anon says
Yeah I don’t know anyone who was happy to get back to it at 6 weeks especially after a first baby. I was still bleeding then.
Anon Lawyer says
I’m reading an interesting book right now by an anthropologist about a village in Papua New Guinea that he has worked in for decades. One of the interesting things he said is that children tend to not be less than 3 years apart because there’s a taboo against sex between married couples for two years post-partum. My understanding is that type of taboo combined with extended breast feeding that limits fertility has not been historically uncommon in societies without access to birth control, and changes to women’s bodies while breastfeeding and post-partum reinforce it/were part of why that developed.
anon says
Oh man, the SSRI thing is REAL. That’s probably a solid 90% of the problem. I went from a happy and enthusiastic gardener to having zero interest in it and was basically numb below the waist once I went on an SSRI. Things much improved when I got off it. He definitely needs to talk to his doctor about getting his medication changed.
Anon says
Just a few random thoughts. First, I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Two, Wellbutrin works well for me without that sex drive problem. Three, my husband and I are brutally honest people. We try not to hurt the other but we aren’t going to lie to the other either. When I was dealing with some medical issues we had discussed our sex life and we both agreed that we will always love each other but there are times that we are not going to be as attracted to the other.
There was a time in our life when he was the focus of all of my attention and I made a conscious effort to look attractive physically and emotionally to him. Then there was a time in my life where I was very ill and took on more of the role of a patient. I didn’t expect him to find me as attractive as a patient than previously. We’d still fool around at times because we loved each other but it wasn’t like OMG that @$$ get over here LOL.
You are going through major identity changes after becoming a parent. You are now a mom and society has a lot of baggage about what it means to be a mom. That’s where the whole MILF trope came from because it was so “rare” in our sexist culture to come across a MILF. Meaning, we have been indoctrinated to believe that once you are a mom, you lose a bunch of sex appeal. I’m certain you still look damn hot but yeah, when we completely change our lives it can impact how we see ourselves and each other.
You know when work crushes come up and we say picture that person pooping or picking their nose? You are each exposed to your unattractive behaviors, exponentially so once you have kids. It takes a bit to recalibrate. None of us look radiant covered in baby puke with baby food in our hair.
Anon says
We have these. I laughed when my tech-y husband bought them, chalking it up to another weird gadget he bought for fun, but they’re actually kind of awesome when traveling.
OtterMom says
Next week, we are going on our first vacation since having our kiddo late February 2020! We are driving (approx 2 hours) to a Great Lakes town to go to the beach and generally hang around. Rented an Airbnb townhouse, my parents are coming for 2 of the days so that DH and I can get out first date nights in more than a year.
Any advice? Things we should bring? Things we should leave? For the beach we have a pop up sunshade, an inflatable pool, and a few sand toys. Planning to bring the pack and play. Will get groceries upon arrival. Anything else we should have with us so as not to turn it into a disaster? DD (15 mo) has never stayed away from home (pandemic baby, family is local). Any advice regarding activities? How to feel like we get some relaxation despite chasing a 15 month old around?
Anon says
This is wonderful. Do you have a wagon for beach? That helps with all the stuff to lug around. I usually bring a baby monitor when traveling (esp if there is a porch so you can sit outside while baby is sleeping). Wine opener is always good to have. And go in with simple expectations-family trips are really different than non-kid trips but can be so special. We would typically do activity in the morning, nap, playground or something simple in the afternoon, dinner and bedtime, and maybe order fun takeout for adult dinner after bedtime and play games, watch movies, or just be quiet and read. Also, it’s okay to split up some of the time – one parent can wrangle kid while the other gets an hour of solo beach time or goes for a walk or whatever.
Anon says
does DD usually sleep with a sound machine or certain stuffed animal? if so, bring those things and see yesterday’s discussion re bringing kids toys/books. depending on the layout of the place, your kid and how much you want to schlep, potentially a baby gate. for the beach, i highly recommend bathing suits that cover as much skin as possible so you dont need to sunscreen as much
Anon says
Baby proofing stuff can be helpful, like rubber bands to keep cabinets closed, plug covers for obvious plugs, or a babygate for stairs.
A noise machine is nice to block out voices downstairs.
My kids slept better in a PnP with a mattress to add a bit of squish. You can buy a mattress separately.
Hopefully the BnB has a highchair.
Pogo says
For high chair, we have the Fisher Price Healthy Care Booster Seat. You can strap it on any chair, or even use it on the ground. When kiddo is older it turns into a booster seat.
Pogo says
Get black trash bags & painter’s tape to use as makeshift blackout shades.
AwayEmily says
I think it is going to be amazing. I think you’re right to be concerned about the relaxation thing — having a toddler in a new place is hard. As soon as you get there I’d do as much childproofing as you can. I don’t mean installing locks or anything — just moving anything breakable off of low shelves, putting lamps she could pull down out of reach, placing pillows over brick fireplace corners, etc. The idea is mostly to give YOU some peace of mind so that you can sit and relax while she plays instead of feeling like you need to be hovering over her. Also, do plenty of trading off with your husband/parents so that some combo of you can go on long beach walks, etc, without the kid. You may also want to bring a few plastic plates/cups/spoons. Hope you guys have fun, visit lots of new playgrounds, and have a wonderful date night.
NYCer says
Lean into the relaxation on the days that your parents are there to help! You might consider alternating mornings (or afternoons) with your husband for some of the days, so that each spouse can have a few hours alone. Vacations with 15 month olds are in general not the most relaxing (but still can be loads of fun!).
Since you are driving, I would bring a few favorite toys from home. My kids always slept better when we put a mattress/pad in the pack and play, so you may want to look into that if your child isn’t a regular pack and play sleeper (I was surprised how hard the bottom was the first time I used it).
HSAL says
We’re also going to a Great Lakes town next month! It’ll be our first family vacation EVER (kids are 5, 3, and 3). I’m terrified and excited. The sun shade hadn’t occurred to me (very limited beach experience, zero with kids) but I absolutely will get one. I’m taking our wagon. Please come back and tell us what you ended up taking/what you wish you’d brought/what you didn’t need!
Anon says
get long sleeve and pants beach clothes for kids. i also have 3 year old twins and it makes dealing with sunscreen a thousand times easier
Anon says
yesterday’s discussion about fertility treatments reminded me of this cool artist my friend told me about, Glitter Enthusiast, who uses ivf needles to make art.
Anon says
I find it fascinating how people process their own infertility journeys. I, for one, never want to see my needles again, coming from someone currently taking nightly 1.5″-needle progesterone shots in the ass (and will for at least 21 days, maybe more). I understand others might feel differently and this type of art could be interesting to them. But, and I suppose like most things, to each her own.
Anon says
Agree. No shade to how anyone processes their own journey. But it never even occured to me to save mine for any reason (and we did 5 retrievals, so lots of needles!) – it’s just…medical waste? Disposal box, hospital drop-off, done. I may have felt differently about the needles if my experience with them had been difficult, but I was suprised by how easy it was to give myself the shots.
Anonymous says
Same. I find it weird and gross and unhealthy.
Anon says
Same. I had two IVF babies, plus insulin dependent GD with both, so I went through hindrances if not thousands of needles – did not even think of saving a single one.
Pogo says
Yesterday was hard and I just need to vent. We are STILL dealing with reduced daycare hours, they’re moving to 5pm next week at least (how generous) but that still leaves us in a major crunch. Now we’re required to get clearance from a doctor + 24h symptom free for the tiniest thing (god bless the ped for doing a 6:30pm telehealth and then fitting my oldest in with the baby’s well visit the next day). The exhaustion of this daily juggling of every minute between myself, the kids, DH, work calls, pumping… it is slowly sucking the life out of me.
I am going to taper pumping, I bought formula last night. I am going to hire a sitter to help in the evenings. I know this is the right choice for our family and my career but man, this season is TOUGH.
anonymommy says
The daycare no-sniffles rules is driving me insane too. Solidarity!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Hugs. This really is a tough season, with a baby, toddler, limited daycare and new job (for you, right?). I’m glad you’re getting some help at night, I think that will help with avoiding the hard stops at work.
Also, I hope your daycare starts to adjust their policies more, especially in light of how well MA is doing. Ours is going back to the regular 7-6 in the fall, is allowing no masks for vaccinated teachers and parents next week and no longer requires the daily health checks.
Pogo says
We have the no masks for vaxxed teachers and parents and no daily health attestation, but still on the reduced hours. I could see them going back in the fall, but for now they’re sticking to 5pm. This is actually pretty good, many of the places around here are still at 4, 4:30. The public preschool is at 3:30, with no wraparound care!
Ostensibly it is because of the increased time required for cleaning and lack of floaters, but idk. It’s just exhausting.
Anonymous says
What is wrong with daycare?? Are you looking for a different one
anonymommy says
Many daycares are being overly cautious, and I’m not sure what the situation is for Pogo, but for me I’m tolerating their over-the-top but temporary COVID rules because they are a GREAT daycare and because switching has its own burdens. Maybe if you have very go-with-the-flow kids you can switch daycares when they implement a policy you don’t love, but I have to weigh any change with how upsetting and difficult another daycare change would be for my kids, especially my older child.
AwayEmily says
+1….our daycare is also still 8-4, which is hard but they’ve also been amazing throughout this entire process, they had zero cases (whereas the nearby daycare we used to go to had a ton), and the kids are just really happy and content there. It’s worth it to us to figure out the extra coverage, and I’m optimistic that by the fall they’ll go back to normal hours.
Pogo says
Yes, this is my situation. They have been a lifesaver during this time, and truly a lovely place. I am trying to be empathetic to their struggles too (ie they still have to pay someone a full shift even if that person is cleaning for 2/8 hours and not watching the children). I want them to stay in business!
Anon says
This. We switched daycares due covid policies and reduced hours and the transition was such a nightmare. If I had it to do over again, I would 100% stay where we were and just deal.
Anon says
I don’t know about OP but there is simply no availability where I live, so switching isn’t really an option. There weren’t enough daycare spots before COVID and now with class-size limits plus a number of daycares having closed and others significantly increasing prices (because of class size limits forcing hiring of more teachers), it’s a major crunch.
anon says
In most cases, this is not a solution. Around here, at least, most daycares are following the same procedures, per our county’s health department. Not to mention the disruption of switching, assuming you can even find a spot at another one.
anon says
Curious how you’re considering a 3rd kid with how difficult this season seems. Not at all asking in a snarky way. It’s SUCH a tough season and my kids are a tiny bit older, but right there with you. Hope things get easier in the fall.
Anon says
Not the OP, but I try to make decisions about number of kids based on a few years from now (or 10 or 20!) not how things are with toddlers. This phase is rough! If I let parenting young kids guide all my life choices, I’d be acting out of fear or certainly being too conservative and really boxing myself in. With my oldest going into first, I can already see how things will evolve and I’m excited. But I had the hardest time putting my two year old to bed last night. There is a light at the end of the tunnel! (And to quote Gretchen Rubin the days are long but the years are short!)
AwayEmily says
Yes, EXACTLY. The baby phase is not my favorite, to put it mildly, nor is it my husband’s. So we made the third-kid decision with our eyes wide open that the first year or two with three kids is likely going to be really rough for us. We have plans in place (family help, mostly) to make it easier on us, but ultimately decided that a couple of challenging years would be worth it for the decades of joy a third kid would bring to our family.
Pogo says
We actually both love the baby phase and have had two easy babies, so maybe that’s why we want another one! But once we have a toddler and a pre-K perhaps we’ll lose that urge, lol. They’re just so cute together for now, the other day in the bath the older one was helping to wash his little brother. He asks to read him books. He reminds me not to give him certain foods “so he doesn’t get choked on it mommy!”. I love seeing the sibling relationship grow, but like I said, maybe once they’re smacking each other over the head that will change.
AwayEmily says
It might stay good for awhile! My kids are 3.5 and 5 now and still get along really well. They get mad at each other, of course, but the ratio of positive to negative interactions is about 90:10.
Pogo says
Because I love these chubby little nuggets so much! We’re not decided either way, but we’re both open to it.
Unrelated says
DD’s little summer daycare teachers sent home a note describing her as “such a nugget” earlier this week and it made me so happy because her nickname at home is Nugget. Love all those nuggets so much!
GCA says
Hugs. I find the baby year physically and mentally exhausting enough in normal times, let alone with reduced childcare hours and all the juggling in a pandemic. This is a short season, so if you can hire the help you need and pump less to make it through, do what you have to do. I promise promise promise it will feel like a distant memory in even a year or two – at least the baby-year part, perhaps not the collective scarring of the pandemic.
Cb says
We haven’t booked any travel this summer, everything is expensive and mediocre but they had a cancellation at the local country park for a pre-pitched tent with air mattresses on their “campground” (a big field) and I snagged it. Kiddo has been desperate to go camping and this seems like a super easy way to do it (outdoor yoga, adventure playground, and an amazing cafe on site). Not the rustic Donner Lake camping of my youth, but I’ll take it.
It’s a few weeks after my son’s 4th birthday, I bought him a sleeping bag already (Aldi middle aisle for the win) and think maybe I’ll get him a lantern or something else to go along with it? Any suggestions?
avocado says
Oh, what fun! Kids love headlamps. And if campfires are permitted, get the toasting forks for s’mores.
Pogo says
That is SO CUTE. Yes to headlamp. Smores kit?
Cb says
Headlamp is a great idea. And kiddo has been obsessed with the idea of smores. Need to figure out what British cookie would be a worthy substitute.
Anonymous says
Omg 100% digestives. The ones with chocolate would be even more lux.
anon says
Chocolate digestive s’mores sound AMAZING!
DLC says
Yes! Then you don’t have to figure out how to smush it together without the chocolate sliding out. I might have to try this next time.
Cb says
Ooh that is a good shout. I was thinking rich tea but dark chocolate digestives would be better.
GCA says
Chocolate digestive s’mores!!! This needs to be in an international cookie hall of fame somewhere along with the Tim Tam Slam.
katy says
YES to headlamp. It is my 3 year olds favourite thing about camping.
Pro tip on smores…..caramilk bars melt amazing (yes it is a sugar bomb). Because the thinner layer of chocolate the melting seems to adhere the whole thing together.
Also – last summer out then not quite 3 YO weirdly couldn’t stay in his sleeping bag? Like somehow he was slithering out. Pack a fleece blanket or something else for extra coverage and warm PJs.
If you have to deal with outhouses…. bring a small plastic potty instead (if you still have it).
Have fun.
Cb says
All good tips. Kiddo still prefers to use the small potty, so we’ll bring that along.
CCLA says
+ a million to headlamp. I would also bring a kid sized camp chair and a sleeping pad – directly on the ground is rough (unless the place you’re going has beds or cots in the tent). We took our kids somewhere similar and they adored the long walks to the cafe (which were trails through the woods), and spent most of the time riding scooters, jumping around on the big rocks on site, drawing with chalk or looking at bugs. So I guess I vote scooter or bike and chalk, then let nature do the rest!
Anon says
I’ve had a professional disappointment this week (got passed over for a promotion), and am finding it much harder to get over than I would have before having kids because I feel like I sacrifice so much for this job and if it’s not even going to be rewarded what’s the point? Thinking I should just off ramp and go part time. Any advice for processing these types of decisions without making them out of spite?
Anonymous says
I’m so sorry about the promotion. I agree that it’s more difficult to deal with professional disappointments when you have kids and are sacrificing so much more for your job. It also feels like you have fewer options when you have kids–you have to keep that salary coming in and can’t just up and quit as easily, some potential jobs might not be feasible, etc.
I find it helpful to allow myself some wallowing time when something like this happens. It s*cks and that’s okay. Feel your feelings. You can figure out a plan of action next week.
rakma says
Was in the same position about 2 years ago–passed over for a promotion after busting my a**, ready to quit or take a less demanding job–or actually, any other job because I wanted them to realize the knowledge hole they’d be in without me. DH talked me into taking a few months before I made any huge decisions. It’s not all great now, but my role has switched to a more project-based role, which is better for me, and the upsides, including schedule flexibility, are still there. (It helped that the person who was promoted over me has a vested interest in keeping me in this role)
I don’t plan on staying as long as I would have with the promotion, but I was able to renegotiate some boundaries and I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing as much as I was before all this. Viewing this as job as a stepping stone, not my full career goal, has helped me prioritize the things I’m willing to give up time with my kids for (training, some national leadership opportunities) and things I’m not willing to (answer faux-panicked emails during bedtime)
Also, this didn’t happen right away–it took me about a year, a few interviews at what would have been terrible jobs for me, and a giant pros and cons list to get to that point.
avocado says
My daughter just took her last on-line final of the world’s craziest school year. She is registered for in-person school in the fall, and the school claims all courses will be taught live and in person (this year they were putting kids in classrooms to do asynchronous remote classes, which mostly defeats the purpose of in-person school). She is fully vaccinated as of tomorrow. I think this means we have survived?
Anonymous says
I think so, too! *pop champagne*
Anon says
Yay! I find myself getting teary over so much these days – the bittersweet milestones, the glimpses of “normalcy”, excitement for things coming up. And also, the waves of sadness and regret that are finally washing over me after 15 months of wearing blinders and powering through. (I also have a newborn so the hormones are exacerbating things, lol).
My oldest finishes Kindergarten next week and I’m a bit of a wreck…sad over the normal passage of time, really sad over what this K year was “supposed to” be, and excited for a summer home with him and a hopefully great next school year.
I know this year was tough for you, avocado – so glad your daughter is getting her shot and next year looks promising
avocado says
Thanks, and congratulations on your new arrival!
govtattymom says
Hi all! Is anyone in the DC area looking for a nanny? My daughter’s former teacher (in a twos room) is looking for a nanny position. She is absolutely fantastic, and I would jump at the chance to hire her (we unfortunately relocated so not an option). I created a burner email so you can email me if you are interested ([email protected]).
Anon says
This is so nice of you – I wish you were in Houston!
SC says
I need help for Father’s Day! I need to cook a tasty, healthy Father’s Day dinner for 3 that does not involve a grill. DH is typically the cook in our family. I can cook but haven’t had to in a while, and I’m feeling a little intimidated by the kitchen. (We have a tropical depression incoming, and I’m worried that if I just plan takeout, the roads will be too flooded.)
AwayEmily says
Doesn’t really fit the “healthy” criteria but for Mothers Day I asked for and received a giant plate of delicious nachos for dinner.
What about roasting a chicken and having a nice salad with it?
SC says
I’m all about nachos for dinner. For Mother’s Day, we did a virtual cheese and dessert tasting! Now DH is making an effort to lose weight, and he received news from the doctor yesterday that his lab results (taken at the very beginning of his efforts) actually do reflect his previously unhealthy lifestyle. So, I’m trying to be supportive and not sabotage him with charcuterie or ribeye or nachos for dinner.
I can roast a chicken though!
Anonymous says
To play devil’s advocate, here is my nachos recipe. I add guacamole because healthy fats. https://www.cookinglight.com/recipes/sheet-pan-beefy-nachos
GCA says
This may solve two of your problems at once: when it’s rainy, even if it’s a tropical thunderstorm, I find myself wanting soup or stew. Something like chili in the slow cooker or pressure cooker is hard to mess up, and you could enlist kid help to make a pan of cornbread (eyeing that recent Smitten Kitchen recipe)…
Anon Lawyer says
I’m not sure what constitutes healthy in this context, but what about something super simple and classic like spaghetti and meatballs? I won’t post a link because it goes into mod, but the Kitchn has a recipe where you bake the meatballs on top of the sauce in the oven and it comes together incredibly simply.
Tacos might be another idea – everyone’s favorite fixings to make as they want can feel a little festive.
AnotherAnon says
Y’all too huh? I think our storm will land well east of us but it’ll be interesting. I vote tacos (kind of healthy?) or lettuce wraps. I accidentally made lettuce wraps the other day trying to use up some stir fry chicken and butter lettuce. They’re both very easy. If you have an air fryer, you could make bbq chicken drumsticks and sweet potato fries.
NYCer says
Taco bar? Ground beef with taco seasoning (or other meat of choice), tomatoes, avocado, shredded cheese, salsa, sour cream, shredded lettuce, and either tortilla chips (if you want to go the taco salad route), tortillas or taco shells.
Anonymous says
https://www.familyfreshmeals.com/2014/06/best-crockpot-bbq-chicken.html
It lives up to its name. It is crazy easy and delicious. I’ve served it to many guests and shared the recipe with others, and I’m yet to find someone who doesn’t like it. I’d serve it with a salad, cut up fruit, buns, and maybe some store bought cole slaw. Ice cream sandwiches or drumsticks for dessert (or not, I guess you did request healthy!). And you’ll have leftovers that reheat nicely.
Anonymous says
For a portion-controlled dessert, the little tiny ice cream cones from Trader Joe’s are so good.
SC says
I love those! Our Trader Joe’s has insufficient parking and long lines to get in, but maybe I’ll brave a trip.