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- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase; extra 50% off sale
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- Zappos – 37,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – 50% off entire site
- Hanna Andersson – 30% off all swim; up to 30% off HannaJams
- J.Crew Crewcuts – 40% off sitewide; 50% off select swim; 50% off kids’ styles
- Old Navy – 50% off Easter deals
- Target – 20% off Easter styles for all; up to 30% off kitchen & dining; BOGO 50% off shoes & slippers for the family;
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
longtime reader says
…first time mom! Just found out I am pregnant with a much wanted baby!! I’d love to know what you all recommend for outsourcing during and after birth. Our HHI is $300k, so we are more than comfortable, but we are also trying to save up for the expensive daycares in our HCOL area. I was thinking of having our cleaners come every week after birth, instead of the sporadic/maybe monthly schedule we now follow. What else did you do or wish you had done? (We do have local family, but I don’t want to tax them – just have them enjoy the baby when they are free!) Also, is it appropriate to just ask for gift cards for things like Amazon and Doordash on our registry, since we can stock up on the items easily ourselves? (I know, we don’t need a registry at all! This is just for if people ask!) Sorry for many questions – I am so excited, when I’m not falling asleep!
Cb says
Congratulations! I’d up your cleaner to 1x a week, it makes our lives so much better. You basically only wipe down counters and clean up any messages.
Anon says
We switched our cleaners to every other week from monthly when kiddo was born until my kid was old enough to become a crumb machine and not eat where we put her (so around 1.5). Up until then, every other week was enough, so you might try every other week to cut down on costs. I will say though now that we are at once a week, I will hate it if we ever go back to less frequently.
EDAnon says
We also did every other week and it was great! We dropped to monthly, then stopped during the pandemic and resumed at 2x per month. Kids are 3 and 5 and I appreciate every other week. Every week would be too much for me (both cost and logistics-wise).
Anonymous says
Congrats! Definitely good to be thinking about this. I was under the “I’ll be on maternity leave, so I’ll have time” impression before my 1st was born and then the reality of a fussy newborn with feeding issues took over and chaos ensued.
The cleaner is a great idea, I would also spend some time looking into/thinking about how you want to make your meals easier once baby arrives. For some, that looks like preparing a bunch of freezer meals in advance. For me with a ridiculously tiny freezer, I am thinking about signing up for something like Hello Fresh. For others who enjoy delivered restaurant food more than I do, it may just be putting DoorDash gift cards on the registry (definitely think that is smart and fine to do!) I am 29 weeks now and just now starting to research what would be best/easiest for us, so you have plenty of time :)
anon says
Consider when you want the cleaners to come. There is nothing worse than them showing up right after the baby falls asleep or when you are trying to sleep after a rough night. Also, where will you go while they clean? Will you have them skip cleaning a room? It’s cold out (at least here) right now so options are limited. It might almost be easier to have them come every other week while you are home on leave.
Lise says
Seconding this. We actually cancelled our biweekly cleaners entirely for the first few months because scheduling them was impossible with a newborn’s unpredictable day. (We live in a small condo so we can’t just hide out in a skipped room.) We increased the frequency once he had a consistent nap schedule.
Anonymous says
I don’t think you can know until you actually have the baby whether the cleaners will be an enormous help or a hassle. I was in law school when we had our baby so we couldn’t afford any type of outside help, but having a clean house would have been such a sanity booster that I would not have minded the interruption one bit. I also had a baby who didn’t nap, and I cannot nap during the day no matter how little sleep I got the night before, so it wouldn’t have been an inconvenience to take the baby out or retreat to a different room while they cleaned. I’d plan to have the cleaners weekly and then cancel or reduce the frequency if it doesn’t work out for you.
anon says
If I had lots of money I would hire a night nurse
Anonanonanon says
I don’t have this kind of money so it didn’t occur to me but you are 100% right! I’ve seen a similar concept in a “post partum doula” who will come at night and help mom.
Anon says
I would wait and see what kind of baby you get first. Ours was a great sleeper and not fussy – she would wake up at night and want a clean diaper and milk and then fall right back asleep. I was breastfeeding and had zero interest in waking up to pump while my husband gave her a bottle, so I did 100% of the overnight wakeups, and it was totally fine. I literally never had to soothe a crying baby in the middle of the night or fight to try and get her to sleep, and she started sleeping through the night very early on.
Not saying this to be an a**hole, but just to say – wait to throw big dollar money on problems you actually have, not problems you think you’ll have. A night nurse would have been wasted on us.
anon says
That’s super for you but also not the case at all for the vast majority of parents.
Anon @ 9:50am says
Yes, I understand that everyone has a different experience. This is mine. I’m allowed to share it. I totally get that my baby is not all babies (and also, that my baby was a good sleeper because she came that way – not because I have some magical baby sleeping powers).
Honestly, sometimes it can be very frustrating to have been fortunate enough to have a good experience with [insert pregnancy/delivery/baby related thing], because someone immediately rushes in to invalidate your experience if you dare to share it.
Anon says
Right, which she acknowledged more than once. No need to jump on her like this, that’s super rude and unhelpful.
Anon says
+1 to 9:50. this was my experience as well and I think it’s actually pretty common. Wait to throw money at a night nurse until you know you’re actually sleep-deprived. Lest you think I’m a smug poopcup, our 4 year old sleeps worse now than she did as a newborn! We could really use a night nurse now. But back then it would have been a waste. The newborn period was actually less challenging for me than a lot of other kid ages – the problems are so simple and easy to solve – just feed them, change them, hold them. Toddler and preschoolers have much more complicated needs.
Spirograph says
+2 I wouldn’t say I was well-rested when I had a newborn, but I wasn’t painfully sleep deprived until I went back to work and couldn’t nap during the day/had to tax my brain to handle both work and parenting.
My first was a good sleeper and a pretty easy baby in general. Second, not so much. Third, easy again (or I just didn’t care by that point). Even my less-easy baby was nothing compared to experiences I’ve heard from friends who had babies with colic, feeding or other health issues. It’s all luck. Don’t borrow trouble, but it wouldn’t hurt to give a couple seconds of thought to contingency plans. Like maybe have a list of night nurses/agencies researched, so it’s one less step if you need it. Because if you need it, you will really need it.
anon says
I wish I’d booked a night nanny. By the time I knew I needed one, I was too exhausted to figure out how to get one (plus, the good ones get booked up early in my area).
Anon says
This. With my first two, by the time I needed a night nurse, I was a spiraling, emotional, ball of fatigue who was fueled by anxiety and hormones. I don’t even know if I could have handed off a baby to a night nurse at that point because my PPA/PPD was raging at that point.
With our third, I pro-actively lined up a night nurse, and had some doubts handing off a strong sleeper to a third party that first night, then slept soundly through the night. I never looked back. I avoided PPD with my third almost completely, in what I know was not a coincidence.
I never woke up to pump – after a few nights, my supply adjusted. Based on the experience with my first two, I knew I needed sleep more than I needed to keep my supply up.
In my area, there are usually several very highly regarded night nurses who do not work with services, and will make you sign a contract guaranteeing your slot several months in advance. If you’d prefer to wait, you can probably contact a service, who may not have the same advance notice requirements. I would at least do the research so you have it handy, and give the information to a trusted friend or spouse, if needed.
Anon says
Just to clarify (I’m the Anon above), if you have the means but aren’t sure if you want to use a night nurse or post partum doula per the easy/not easy baby discussion below, I would at least interview a post-partum doula service or night nurse service, and keep the information handy (or give to your spouse or a trusted friend who can kindly nudge you to get help if you need it but can’t do it yourself – no judgment, I did). You can wait to see if you need one, but do the leg work to find a service you like before you are exhausted and emotional.
And just to throw my own perspective in the easy/not easy baby comments below, my first baby was objectively easy, and I still struggled horrifically to adjust to parenthood. I wouldn’t have predicted having such a hard time either based on my history (athlete, intense job, etc.). I wish I had more support, as I think I would have enjoyed my objectively easy baby more.
Anon says
+ 1 to 1:39 and 2:09 Anon. Objectively I had an “easy” baby but the adjustment was crushing. As a lifelong overachiever and athlete, it was the first time I found myself completely unable to cope and by the time I realized I needed serious ongoing help I was in shambles emotionally and could not get the help I needed. My partner, who is generally able to pull solutions out of thin air at the last minute with fanfare, could not help appropriately because he was also so completely unprepared for what apparently is on the easy end of normal experience. My PPD lasted two years. I can trace the spiral to the sequence of events a few days after delivery that started with objectively minor feeding issues but combined with utter lack of support (enabled by the “baby-friendly” system) and my complete inexperience, it broke me. It’s taken me 7 years to think about having another. If I had just two days of some wise person’s time in that first week my first years of parenthood would have been a parallel universe experience.
Anonanonanon says
Congratulations!
Having a meal service helped us a lot. Not one that sent ingredients we had to cook, but one that dropped off cooked meals. Also, people sent us edible arrangements which at first I thought was corny but having already cut fresh fruit around was amazing.
I know this is the worst thing to hear when you’re nesting, but it’s just really difficult to know what you’ll need until you’re in it. So much depends on the baby’s temperament and health.
Things that made my life easier usually involved doubling up on things to make sure I was fully stocked on each floor of the house. (changing supplies, pumping supplies. snacks, etc.). Can the housekeepers do laundry? Even if it’s just sheets and towels, that would make a huge difference because you’ll have soooo much other laundry to do.
jz says
I 10000% second meals. Especially for mom who needs to be eating well for recovery and for BF (if you’re doing that).
Anonymous says
Totally agree. We actually found getting takeout/delivery to be too much effort (baby with feeding issues who vomited everything up if she did manage to take anything in and screamed when not eating or vomiting). I didn’t know that I would have 5 min to eat until those 5 min started. Much much easier for me to have already made meals on hand. I could throw something in the fridge to defrost the day before, and it was ready to be microwaved when I needed it.
Anon says
+1 Someone recommended Territory meals to us, which feels like a balance between the nutrition of meal kits like HelloFresh and the convenience of GrubHub and without the flatness of freezer meals. We get six meals a week, and it’s perfect for lunches!
Anon says
If you work a busy job already, you may find you have lots of time on your hands during maternity leave. I didn’t feel pressed at all.
One thing that is really helpful to prioritize during leave is meeting other moms and dads with kids the same age. Find some parents groups and make new friends. It’s really nice to be able to know people with a kid the same age so you can compare notes about daycares or sleep schedules or just meet up at the playground and let the toddlers run around. Many of the moms I met during maternity leave became good friends. It’s harder to find time for this once you’re all back to work so it’s good to make those contacts while you’re on leave.
Anonymous says
Counter point- I was a busy biglaw associate when I had my first and I felt completely overwhelmed with new motherhood. As someone mentioned above, definitely depends on the baby/recovery, etc. My baby didn’t sleep and we had to do triple feeding (breastfeeding plus pumping and supplementing with formula) every 2 hours both day and night because of supply issues I was having. Between feeding, cleaning feeding/pumping supplies, and a baby with reflux spitting up on everything I felt like I didn’t have a moment to sleep, much less make meals. Having a busy job was an entirely different kind of busy and did not prepare me whatsoever for my new motherhood experience.
I am definitely jealous of those with “easy” babies, no feeding issues, and relatively easy recoveries though! I know it does exist. Personally, I would suggest planning on being overwhelmed and hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised. I was expecting to be able to handle maternity leave with no problem and reality was so far from my expectations that I definitely think it contributed to my eventual PPD diagnosis.
Anonymous says
+1. My clients might need something every 2 hours around the clock, but they have never spit up on me or had a blowout on me.
Anon says
I do think part of it is how you feel about being pooped or spit up on. No judgment. People feel how they feel. Some would prefer a critical email from a partner to a blow out. I’d take the blowout any day, but I know others who disagree.
Spit up and poop didn’t impact my leave at all. No more than running the dishwasher.
Anonymous says
When you have a baby who needs triple feeding every two hours, the last thing you need is to have to take a shower and find clean clothes because you’re covered in poop. It’s not at all like choosing between a blowout and a critical email from a partner. You’re getting both. At once.
Anon says
I’m really not judging your experience. It sounds like you had a tough time.
At the same time, a blowout on me required that I change the impacted clothes and wash my hands. Maybe wipe with a baby wipe. No need to shower. It would take 2 minutes. I’m not eeked out by baby poop.
Anonymous says
I’m glad you had an easy baby! Trust me when I say that if a wipe could’ve handled it, I would’ve used a wipe. You must not have ever had the experience of realizing that there was baby poop soaking into your mesh undies.
Honestly, it’s comments like “It really wasn’t that bad!” that give new moms unreasonable expectations of what their leave will be like.
Anon says
Mesh undies are for what, 2 or 3 days? My DH was around for those few days. My advice wasn’t for the first week or even the first month. Whenever you start to feel physically okay, then it’s time to consider daily outings and making new friends. Fresh air and socialization are helpful. If you’re struggling with feeding issues then feel free to take a pass.
Anon says
Mesh undies are for two weeks if you have a C-section. You’re not supposed to drive for two weeks if you have a C-section. Many women are still on painkillers and are so sleep deprived that going out is a bad idea.
Anonymous says
“If you’re struggling with feeding issues then feel free to take a pass.”
Feeding issues aren’t 2-3 days or even the first few weeks. Feeding issues are extra ped appts (sometimes daily). It’s round the clock triple feeding (and then washing pump parts, bottles, etc.) until your baby is back up at birth weight, which can take over a month in some cases. It’s peds and nurses belittling you because they assume that it’s your fault for not being able to feed your baby, and not anything wrong on the baby’s end. It’s OT visits and then home exercises before each feeding once you finally convince someone that they need to examine the baby and not simply tell you that you’re not feeding the baby correctly and that you have unreasonable expectations for thinking you should be able to eat when you have a newborn. It sounds like you haven’t gone through this, and you’re truly lucky. Please don’t be so dismissive of others’ experiences.
Anon says
Yeah, I think it’s very personality dependent. I find work problems far more stressful than being spat up on or pooped on or rocking a crying baby. I also find older kid behavioral challenges (especially meltdowns) far more stressful than listening to a newborn scream for hours. With an infant, there’s nothing you can to do to fix their problems beyond making sure their basic needs are met, and the knowledge that you are doing everything right just by holding them and letting them cry was somehow very reassuring to me. With older kids, it’s much harder to figure out what’s “right” and that causes a lot of stress for me.
Lise says
Yeah, hard same. My busy litigation job is hard mental work, but maternity leave was hard physical work, and I found it overwhelming and exhausting in a much deeper way.
I will say that I had my baby during the pre-vaccine stage of the pandemic, in shitty weather, so socializing (or really most support) was not an option, and I think that if I had had the opportunity to make friends with other parents, it would have been easier, so I think that’s really good advice. (Well, I think. I obviously can’t speak from experience.) I find crunch time at work when I’m on a good team to be easier than on a solo project, so I’m sure that loneliness and a lack of camaraderie also made new motherhood harder.
Anonymous says
+1, extremely difficult fall 2020 baby over here. No one who had a pre-covid or even a post-vax baby has ever believed me when I say just how horrible my experience was.
Anon says
Late January 2020 baby. Just as I was getting ready to really enjoy my maternity leave – outings, parks, friends, coffee – the entire world completely shut down. It wrecked havoc on my mental health and I don’t wish it on anyone.
Telco Lady JD says
+1 November 2020 baby here. Cold weather, early darkness, and no help. It was…not fun.
Anon says
I was at very high risk for PPD but came through reasonably well (some rough PMS-related mood swings, which I had never had before, but that evened out). Some of the reason that I had horrific prenatal depression is because I also had prenatal insomnia.
The most important thing is SLEEP. If your partner can feed during the night, let him. If your choices are EFB or sleep, choose sleep.
Anon says
I think there is no wrong way to feed a baby, but I also think that if the choices are exclusively breastfeeding or sleep, choose the one that matters more to you. For me, that was EBF. That was the right choice for me. If every other woman on the planet chooses sleep – great, happy for them!
Anon says
You’re making it sound like a choice between carrot soup and tomato soup. For many women, it’s the choice between PPD and not having PPD, and, sorry, I think that I matter, too.
Anonymous says
+1. You can really tell who had babies that slept even halfway decent by how people talk about their postpartum challenges (or lack thereof). I put in 12 hour days, 6 days a week before birth at my firm and new motherhood left me a shell of myself and overwhelmed. Soothing and feeding my baby was a 20 hour a day job (not exaggerating), with only one 90 minute stretch of uninterrupted sleep per 24 hour period for weeks. I caught up on house stuff and things after the 4th trimester ended and I had childcare (was lucky enough to be able to go back part time and take time off to deal with house stuff while baby was in care). DH also took a short leave and did a lot during his leave to just keep the house running because the baby was so high needs.
Anonymous says
THIS. It’s all about how well the baby sleeps and eats, and to a lesser degree whether the baby is a screamer (although the babies who scream are often the ones who have issues with sleeping and eating). People who say “Oh, maternity leave was a breeze!” always have easy babies who sleep, nap, and don’t require triple feeding. They usually also have a house cleaner.
Anonymous says
Babies don’t require triple feeding! You can choose to skip the nursing and pumping part and just do formula.
Anon says
What is your obsession with “easy” babies? Equally important are “adaptable” parents. You chose to triple feed. Many others would have switched to exclusively pumping or formula. You made that part hard on yourself. That’s your choice
Own it and stop martyring yourself like you lost the baby lotto. My baby ended up readmitted to the ICU twice in the first week, which absolutely sucked. Yet you keep telling me I had an easy baby because I didn’t *have* to triple feed.
You might consider therapy to make peace with your experience.
Anonymous says
It’s not that easy to switch to formula, especially if your husband is dead set against it and your pediatrician is referring you to lactation consultants and telling you that you’ll damage your baby if you give it formula.
Anonymous says
11:16, congratulations on being so much better than the rest of us.
Anonymous says
I didn’t know that birth and postpartum experiences are an Olympic sport! Can we maybe think about accepting the fact that different people have different experiences, and that what’s hard for one person might not have been the hard part for someone else?
And honestly, when you’re sleep deprived, recovering from a difficult birth, and have zero outside help, it doesn’t seem like a “choice.” Not when you’re surrounded by medical professionals who are telling you that you don’t have one.
Anon says
Instead of making a competition out of it, can we talk about how there are vicious cycles? If you’re sleep deprived and stressed to hell because your baby isn’t gaining weight, you’re probably not in a great position to fight back on whatever the Baby Industrial Complex and your husband are trying to force on you. My experience was the reverse of many women’s – I slept maybe four hours a night during pregnancy and slept much better after birth – and I was a total machine at shutting it down after birth. During pregnancy? Everyone’s punching bag.
Anonymous says
Wow I’m sorry your husband sucks
Another anon says
Yeah you have a husband problem, not a baby problem.
Anon says
Yeah this is a husband problem. Anyone who’s not lactating does not get a say in whether a birth mom uses formula or not.
I found nursing really hard initially and the tiny amount I was producing didn’t satisfy my kid, so I supplemented with formula, didn’t pump and slept whenever my baby slept. It eventually clicked (with the help of a nipple shield) and breastmilk was my kid’s main food source for most of her first six months, but even if we’d used 100% formula my kid would have been fine and my husband would have been supportive because he knew he didn’t get to dictate what I did with my breasts.
Anon says
I just wanted to validate your experience with reflux. Reflux is not just spitting up. It’s exhausting, and if you haven’t had a baby with it, it is really difficult to understand. It limits where you can take baby, affects weight gain and development, and makes you have to change your clothes every feeding. I revisited my clothes from maternity leave recently, and they still smell like vomit six months later.
Anonymous says
+1, 18 mos later, I am STILL finding small spots of infant vomit on the floor, behind furniture, etc.
Anon says
All baby advice is take it or leave it depending on what works for you. It’s like you think I shouldn’t make suggestions because I didn’t have exactly the same challenges as you??? If my advice doesn’t work for you, then disregard AS I SAID ALREADY. Why is this so hard to understand?
Anonymous says
Are you the person who keeps telling everyone who’s giving advice based on their own experience is wrong? There’s a difference between making suggestions and gaslighting.
Anonymous says
Anon at 1:36, exactly. There is a big difference between saying “You might get an easy baby” and “If you think your baby is difficult then you’re just inflexible.”
Anon says
I don’t think anyone is saying that all parents of difficult babies are inflexible. But there’s at least one person talking about how their maternity leave was horrible because they had to do things like triple feeding because they couldn’t use formula and like…that’s a choice. You may not be able to control whether or not your baby has colic or reflux, but there is still quite a bit that’s in your power, and I think it’s fair to point out that your experience as a new mom can be highly correlated to how tightly you cling to your or others’ ideas of what you “should” do, instead of figuring out what will work for your family and make your life easier and more manageable.
Anon says
What is with the easy baby obsession?
Some people find organic chemistry to be easy. Some think it’s it’s hardest course in the history of the world. Neither are wrong. The course is the same.
It’s the same with babies. Yes, some babies have extra challenges. We had lots of supply issues including hospital readmission and lactation consultants. That all sucked. But I also loved my maternity leave. I loved cuddling for cluster feeding with Dawson’s Creek. I loved morning walks with the baby. I loved cleaning out closets with the baby in the bouncer next to me. I also had more time on my hands than I have ever had again, as after that point I have been working BigLaw *with* a baby or baby + a toddler.
I’m not devaluing anyone’s experience. Some babies are harder than others. Some husbands and MIL are harder than others. Some mothers find it easier than others. Where I take issue is when you tell me that my experience or advice is wrong because you had a different experience. I’m sorry you had a tough go of it and you should feel free to share your experience. But chiding others for having “easy” babies on a message board isn’t going to make you feel better in the long run. Please do consider talking to a therapist about your experience–it’s clearly bothering you.
Anon says
I think how you feel on maternity leave has a lot more to do with the baby and your partner than your job. I have a very easy 9-5 job but I found maternity leave incredibly relaxing because my baby slept through the night at 5 weeks and my husband was contributing a lot to the household even when he was working and I was on leave. I have friends with far “bigger” jobs who found leave stressful because they had babies with higher needs and partners who did less.
In my area, moms groups are all SAHMs. So while it might be nice to connect with some people on leave, it’s going to be very difficult to maintain those friendships once you’re back to working and no longer able to meet at a park at 11 am on a Tuesday.
Anonymous says
It is not appropriate to register for gift cards! You are rich! A registry is how you let people who want to buy you a gift know what you would like and a way to avoid duplicates. It is not a cash through financing system.
Anonymous says
+1 – register for physical items you want, even though you could easily buy them yourself. You can easily buy doordash yourself too!
Anonymous says
A $300K HHI in a HCOL area isn’t really rich, is it? My HHI is $260k and we can barely afford a modest middle class house in our area.
Anyway, I just saw a good friend’s babylist registry and she included a couple ideas for giftcards on there- Target and Doordash- along with plenty of physical gift ideas. I actually appreciated it because now I know what she would like if I decide I want to get her a giftcard. But I am not from a social world that would really worry about what is “tacky” or “gauche” (or honestly even have the word gauche in our vocabulary) so YMMV.
Anonymous says
By definition, if you can afford to live in a HCOL area you are rich. You’ve just chosen to spend your riches on the HCOL lifestyle instead of more, bigger stuff in a LCOL area.
Anon says
+1 living in a HCOL city is inherently a luxury. If you weren’t wealthy you would have to live in the outer burbs, and deal with a terrible commute, which many people do. When I was an associate in Big Law in the Bay Area my assistant had to commute two hours each way because that was where she could afford a horse on her salary. The simple fact that you can rent or buy in the city or the close-in burns makes you rich.
Anon says
A house not a horse lol! Although actually she did leave near a horse farm.
Anon says
+2. Living in a city like Boston or San Fran is a luxury.
Anon says
Yes it is rich. It is like top 2-3% of incomes in the US. Just because you can’t afford to buy every single thing you want doesn’t mean you aren’t objectively wealthy. If you earn more than 97% of people in this country, you are rich.
Anon says
OMG please do not try to say somebody with a hh income of $300k isn’t rich. You people are so wildly out of touch with the majority of the population.
Anon says
The fact that people earning $300k+ regularly insist they aren’t rich is the single craziest thing about this s1te to me. My household income is less than half that and I know I’m much better off than so many other people and absolutely consider myself rich (and it’s not like I grew up poor). I can’t believe there are people who earn this kind of income and get offended at being called rich.
Anonymous says
Not any of the previous anons, but I think the kindof…. dysmorphia? I and others have about the word is that to me the word “rich” is more about observable trappings of wealth than how much money you have. I don’t have the same reaction to “wealthy.” I am wealthy; we have a high HHI and more money sitting in savings and investment accounts than many people will earn in their lifetime… but can’t/won’t spend much of it on stuff that’s strictly for our enjoyment. Living in a smaller, older house in a HCOL area and paying for childcare for multiple children doesn’t feel extravagant or “rich,” even if it objectively takes a lot of money.
Anonymous says
Yeah, that’s rich. If you have money in investment accounts and can *choose* whether to spend money on stuff you want, you are rich. If you can afford a home and child care in a HCOL area you are rich. If you can absorb an unexpected expense like a medical bill or a new dishwasher without racking up debt you are rich. If you can even think about eating takeout every day when you have a new baby you are rich. OP is rich.
Anon says
You can be rich and not be flashy with your money at all. Rich is about net worth and buying power, not about whether you drive fancy cars or take fancy vacations. In fact I would argue there’s almost an inverse correlation and many of the people with the flashiest stuff have debt and are not actually as rich as they seem, while many people who live modest lives with most of their income being directed to a mortgage, retirement accounts and 529s have built significant wealth and are actually rich.
Anon says
In America, “rich” conjures up visions of yachts, vacations in Europe, boarding school for the kids, and second homes. There are a lot of people who earn seven or eight figures a year, and some who are literal billionaires. I get people with a HHI of $300k saying they aren’t “rich” like that, but they should at least acknowledge that they are wealthy and high-earning.
I grew up with parents who earned $300k to $700k a year and who were very determined to say they weren’t “rich.” It was actively harmful. I wish they just said they were upper-middle class savers, not that they were middle class and most decidedly not rich.
Anon says
Amen.
EDAnon says
My friend bought my a gift certificate for housecleaning and it was one of my most treasured gifts. I had never hired a cleaner. I was uncomfortable with it. Using her gift got my house cleaned and got me over the hump with hiring cleaners on a regular basis. I didn’t register exclusively for gift cards, but did for cleaning and loved it (unlike the best #1 baby bottles ever that my son hated).
Boston Legal Eagle says
Congratulations! You’ve gotten some great suggestions already so I’ll just echo some: yes to consistent cleaners, meal service of some sort and a night nurse would be a nice (but $$$) plus!
Anonymous says
Get a doula for birth, especially if covid is still here. At most hospitals, a doula is considered part of your care team and doesn’t count as your one support person for covid precaution purposes.
Bette says
Check with the hospital before committing to this. In my area they are still allowing only one support person into the delivery room – doula or family member.
Anonymous says
I would have chosen my doula over my husband. Doulas know things husbands don’t and can be better patient advocates.
Anonymous says
Would you though? I hate comments like this. Just be grateful you didn’t have to make this choice. Husbands are parents too
Anonymous says
Actually, I would have. I didn’t want him there in the first place, but I felt that I had to let him attend. Husbands are parents, but they aren’t the ones giving birth. They don’t have any right to be in the birthing room if the mom doesn’t want them there.
Aunt Jamesina says
Yeah, I think this is something that’s easy to say when it’s a hypothetical. At the hospital I just delivered at, that would have meant your husband wouldn’t have been allowed to be admitted for the entire duration of your stay. You couldn’t trade out the doula for your husband after labor.
Aunt Jamesina says
In mine (I delivered this December in the Chicago area), you were allowed one support person plus a doula who could come for four hours. You had to decide when to admit the doula and then the clock started. Made ZERO sense to me, since it’s not like you can predict how your labor will progress. I didn’t want a doula, but I definitely wouldn’t have wanted one if this were the setup.
Anon says
Congrats! I remember you posting about your pregnancy but I missed that you had delivered.
Aunt Jamesina says
Thank you!
Anon says
I would have the cleaners come every week during the last month or two of your pregnancy, then have them start coming again a month after you give birth. Even with a very easy baby, those first couple of weeks are savage. You’ll want to start off with a very clean house. However, after your baby is born, even an easy baby doesn’t have anything resembling a schedule for several weeks. Use those weeks to bond, sleep, and recover – do not worry about what your house looks like. Once the fog lifts, you can figure out when to have the cleaners back.
I wouldn’t “outsource” for the sake of spending money. You can, however, get a lot of bang for your buck by getting fresh fruit trays from Costco, premade meals, bagged salads, stuff that just pops in the oven.
Do not ask for gift cards. You will need plenty of baby items; people prefer to give you those and you’ll think of the people who gave them to you when you use them. Let people buy you “stuff” and use the money that you’ll save not buying baby stuff on your DoorDash.
Anonymous says
+1. If you ask for gift cards and buy all the onesies you need, you’re going to end up with more than twice as many onesies as you need and maybe like 1 or 2 gift cards. People like buying stuff for babies.
Anon says
We were very frugal in terms of what we got for our kid: we live in a small place and I’m of the belief that we are in charge of how much we spend on the baby. (This is not a comment towards people who are poor and really struggle to provide the basics.) We bought, or were gifted:
Crib, dresser
Keekaroo dupe changing pad
Onesies, socks, coat, hat, mittens, pants, footies
Bottles, bottle brush, dishwasher bottle thingie
Diapers, diaper rash cream, baby lotion, bath wash
Infant bather, towels, wash cloths
Books, toys, blankets, stuffies, baby play mat, teethers
Sheets, decorative comforter
Bouncy chair and swing
Jogging stroller
Car seats
Your big-ticket items are the crib, dresser, car seats, and maybe stroller. Newborns and infants grow so fast that it’s really helpful to register for things in newborn, 0-3 months, and 3-6 month sizes. You’ll go through an inordinate amount of diapers.
What I’m saying is, there’s a LOT of stuff that you need for a baby even if you’re going the more minimalist route, so just register for all the things.
Anonymous says
And don’t be afraid to register for the big stuff like a car seat. My husband’s co-workers went in together on two big-ticket items and it was so nice.
Anonymous says
Yes, a very generous friend gifted us a $$$$ stroller. I’d put *everything* you want/need on your registry. You never know what people will be happy to get for you!
AnonATL says
Agreed. People love buying physical stuff for babies. If you register only for gift cards, you will get a million onesies and toys that may not be to your taste.
TheElms says
Yay! Congratulations!! If this is your first pregnancy, being pregnant can be anxiety producing and fun and exciting and everything in between! It is ok to have all of these emotions, they are all valid. Also, don’t worry if you at some point feel like you’re having second thoughts. I remember with my first I did starting around 12 weeks and I felt really guilty about it. I definitely wanted my baby and the reality is having a baby is a life change and as that sinks in there are lots of feelings!
In terms of what made my life easiest during the first few months — I liked having cleaners every other week (they can be disruptive and with Covid you need a plan for where to go potentially while they are in the house). If you are the one who typically makes sure there is food in the house and cooks, I would try to delegate grocery shopping/ordering to your partner sometime in the third trimester so they get used to it. I’d also either do freezer meals, or pre-prepared meals that just need to be heated (Territory, Freshly, Cook Unity are some in my area). I struggled to do the make from a box meals until closer to 2 months since feeding an infant is pretty much a full time job. If there is something else you typically do on a recurring basis (laundry, yard work, walk the dog, etc) I’d think of a way to either re-allocate that chore to your partner or outsource it. We found a pick up / drop off laundry service that also took dry cleaning. I could send out the sheets and towels and my husband’s dry cleaning once he went back to work and it was a big time saver.
Set up the house in advance for baby. I thought I had but I really hadn’t. A changing station / place on each floor is really helpful as well as a safe space to set baby down in each place you spend a lot of time. So for us that meant a crib in the nursery, a bassinet in our bedroom, and a pack n play in the living room. I also put a bouncer in the bathroom eventually so I could shower/get dressed more easily. Get the diapers out of the package, get the diaper cream out, set up the pack n play in the living room, set up the swing if you plan to use one. We figured there would be time to do all this stuff once we were home from the hospital and while there was, we were completely exhausted, and ended up wishing we didn’t have to do even some little things in that first week or two. Make a list of shows to binge watch or audio books to listen to to keep yourself sane during feeding. ( I also had a csection and had trouble nursing so every extra thing that first week felt somewhat insurmountable).
If you can afford it a postpartum doula / night nurse for the first month or two can be really wonderful. Both from the perspective of letting you get some rest and from teaching you how to look after your tiny baby (if you don’t have much tiny baby experience). I had a fair number of helpful family visitors in the first 4 months who genuinely wanted to help but didn’t know what to do. I should have written out instructions for our washer/dryer so they could do a load of laundry. Maybe gathered some recipes for meals they could buy ingredients for, make, and freeze.
I’m a significant introvert and I still recommend joining a new mom’s group if your area has them. If they are in person by the time you deliver its great practice to learn how to get out of the house with a baby. If they are still virtual its still very helpful to hear other people are having the exact same struggle you are.
You can definitely ask for gift cards, but also put some physical things on a registry because chances are people will want to give you physical things. Baby clothes are really adorable.
Walnut says
This is really good advice. I particularly cosign having diaper changing stuff everywhere and a safe place to set down the baby.
If there are things you’re not sure you need, at least do the research and have it all ‘Saved for Later’ so you can easily procure without expending much mental energy.
Anonymous says
Since several people have mentioned naps and schedules, I’ll just throw this out there. Don’t count on getting on any sort of schedule before the baby goes to day care or is at least six months old. Some babies simply refuse to establish a schedule. Some also refuse to nap for more than 15 minutes at a time and/or unless they are being held or are in motion. If you go into this thinking “Oh, once the baby is a few weeks old, I can schedule the cleaners around naps!” you may be sorely disappointed. If your baby turns out to be schedule-able, great! Go with it. If your baby is a free spirit, fighting this will only make you and the baby miserable. If you can temper your expectations until you figure out what kind of baby you have, then do what works for your particular baby, you will be a whole lot less stressed out.
Lise says
Yes, absolutely! I posted about cancelling my cleaners entirely for the first two months because I couldn’t count on being able to get out so they could clean. I was able to bring them back because the timing of his first nap of the day became reliable, so I could schedule them to come early in the morning and take him outside for a stroller nap (the kind he did best). But that was the only consistently timed nap of the day for a few more months, and I would not have been able to schedule anything during the rest of the day for the rest of my leave without it being more a hassle than a help. (And then at 6 months he became super schedule-oriented, which was magic.)
longtimereader says
Thank you all so much for the well wishes and thoughtful replies! Cleaners every other week might be the sweet spot, and I like the idea of asking them if they’d be willing to take on tasks like laundry for an extra fee.
I especially appreciate the feedback on registry. I feel totally gauche about having one (did not have one for our wedding) but will take the advice to resist cute baby thing purchases and just add a few of those to registry and handle the rest on our own!
Anonymous says
It’s okay to register for some practical stuff. If there are diapers on the registry I always buy a case. Registering for gift cards is more likely to annoy people than registering for practical things.
Walnut says
Heck yes add diapers to your registry! Add the nipple cream, pacifiers, baby snot sucker, thermometer, and all the other unglamorous things too. My default gift is a pack of diapers and a multi-pack of six month onesies.
Clementine says
Halo swaddle, infant Tylenol, snot sucker, oven lock, nipple cream, thermometer… all excellent gift options that you don’t realize are crucial with your first kid. I will often throw a couple of those items in a container (I like a diaper caddy or wet bag) and add some one handed snacks for mom.
Also – I never buy baby onesies. Pants or one piece zip up (from the BOTTOM zip) sleepers only. Preferably in 3-6 month or larger sizes.
Anon says
A lot of hospitals give some practical infant care things. I got a snot sucker, infant thermometer and nipple cream (which didn’t do anything for me) from the hospital, so I avoid giving practical items except consumables like diapers and wipes (and clothes/books if those count as practical).
Anonymous says
People are going to buy you stuff. You don’t have to send a link to your registry to everyone you’ve ever met, but if someone asks, it’s helpful to be able to pass along the link. They’re not obligated to buy anything on it, but it’ll help prevent you from getting 4 boppies and 7 sheets for a bassinet you don’t actually own.
Alanna of Trebond says
You can encourage people to get you secondhand things (except for the ones that are unsafe secondhand) – it made me feel much better!
Anon says
Add all the things to your registry. I listed our items above, and trust me, it’s a LOT. Even if many of them are $10 each, it adds up so, so fast. You’re also underestimating how many outfits babies need; they can get dirty really easily. You’ll probably need 10-15 onesies in each size (newborn, 0-3 months, 3-6 months) and 5-10 footie pjs in each size. Unless you’re planning on buying 50-75 “cute baby” outfits, please stop being precious and register for those 5-packs of Carter’s onesies in three different sizes.
AIMS says
I agree that a lot of this is impossible to know both because you don’t know what your baby will be like and because we don’t know what your preferences are/will be (and this varies so much with where you live – house/apartment, city/suburb, etc.). The one thing I do recommend for anyone and everyone is having your cleaners come while you’re in the hospital so you can come home to a spotless house – that was something I did and really enjoyed with baby 2.
My other suggestion is give yourself a standing weekly break while you’re on leave. You say you have family near by but don’t want to tax them – whether it’s family or a babysitter, I would get someone to come 1-2 times a week for 1-3 hours during the day just to give you a little break. Go for a walk, take a nap, do yoga, have lunch with a friend, whatever – but if you want to spend money or resources on something, that would be what I do because being home with a newborn is exhausting even if you have the easiest baby and just being able to “not think about the baby” is necessary sometimes.
And no, you can’t register for just gift cards. Register for what you want or don’t have a registry (which is a good way to get gift cards!) but just asking for cards, esp. when you’re financially comfortable is not a good move. Congratulations!!!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Good call on being able to get out for a few hours a few times a week. I’m guilty of this myself but try not to think of this as “taxing” your local family – throughout most of history (and still true in many cultures), mothers were not alone with their newborns 24/7. Family was around to help out and watch the baby so mom could rest and do something else. I don’t think you’ll expect them to come for 10+ hours per day or every night, so a few hours here and there is not taxing to them. If you need to pump beforehand and leave a bottle with them so that you’re not thinking about feeding for those few hours, do it.
NYCer says
Honestly, the best thing we did was have a night nurse (yes, I realize they are not actually nurses, but that is the term that is commonly used around here). It is expensive, but if you can afford it, it is worth every penny IMO.
Alanna of Trebond says
Get a nanny for when you go back to work after leave.
Anon says
I’ll dissent and say changing a cleaner to once a week from biweekly would not have saved us any time. We don’t do any real cleaning between their biweekly visits. So increasing the frequency from biweekly would result in a cleaner house but not in any less labor for us, and it’s a pretty significant cost (we pay $250/cleaning so upping it to weekly would cost >$500/month) so the value doesn’t seem there to me, even on a high income.
With your money, I’d probably look at a night nurse, but it really depends on your particular baby and your comfort with managing household employees. I had a kid who slept through the night early (just luck, not anything we did) so I didn’t see the need, and I learned later when we had a nanny that I *hated* having employees in my home and having to be a supervisor of household staff. YMMV.
Anonymous says
+ a million to this: “I learned later when we had a nanny that I *hated* having employees in my home and having to be a supervisor of household staff.” I like my house being a family-and-friends-only place. And specifically an immediate family only place, most of the time.
Anon says
Especially in the postpartum state when you’re bleeding and frequently topless. I don’t think of myself as a terribly modest person but I really hated having house guests other than my parents/BFF during that time. I know an employee isn’t the same as a guest, but I think I would have been really uncomfortable having a night nurse in the first month after recovery.
Spirograph says
Congratulations! Have fun thinking about this, but know that your experience depends on your baby. Best-laid plans and all that… you’re going to be making constant adjustments as you figure out what works for you, and that’s just how it goes.
– I did not have a night nurse, but if you want to get on the outsourcing bandwagon early, that’s where I’d start. Anything for more sleep.
– 2 adults and a baby don’t make enough mess *that a houscleaner would be useful at helping with* to warrant weekly cleanings. I would not have wanted the cleaners in my house that frequently on first -baby maternity leave. Once your kid is old enough to make clutter and crumbs, that’s another story.
– No, you cannot register for gift cards. Put practical things on your registry. Child-free people gravitate to buying cute stuff, parents buy useful stuff. Unless you live in a tiny apartment, there is value to having those things already in your home, even if you have the financial means to buy them yourself at will.
– Cultivate your “village.” I hope pre/post-natal support groups are making a comeback. For my first baby, I joined the new moms group through the hospital, which had bi-weekly nurse-moderated meet-ups (we got together on our own for walks, picnics, etc, too). It was so helpful to have a place and people with whom to process all the changes, worries, questions, etc. I did prenatal yoga classes – taught by a birth doula -and really liked those as well.
Anon says
My favorite thing is our personal chef (I promise we are not fancy fancy people, just prioritizing using our money to buy time and health). Similar to a meal service but she does both full meals and tubs of roasted veggies, grilled chicken, etc. that can be assembled into healthy meals. We found a local woman who both does catering and personal chef stuff and worked with her on a weekly schedule that works for us. I love it. It is not that much money in the scheme of things and SO worth the not having to think about, plan or execute on cooking every day.
longtimereader says
Whoa boy. This was definitely an insight into the many competing thoughts on motherhood from a first timer’s perspective… and have not openly been called “precious” before (and I think you might laugh if you knew me in real life)! Genuinely, thanks, because I don’t have a thick skin, and it looks like I need to grow one over the next few months!
As always, I appreciate reading all of the feedback. And I want to send some love out to all of you who have been parenting through the pandemic. It’s been tough, I know, and thank you for taking the time to weigh in here for a newbie.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Don’t let this thread scare you away, longtimereader! I’ve found this group to be so helpful in the parenting journey and is the only place I come back to consistently. The early days, especially as a first time mom, are really really hard because you just can’t predict what your baby will be like, and especially if you are isolated due to Covid or otherwise. It’s true that some people find mat leave more or less relaxing and have babies who eat and sleep on a schedule. It’s also true that others have babies who don’t latch, don’t nap or scream constantly. Neither scenario says anything about you as a mom or your baby. And I think it’s easy to think in hindsight, of course you don’t have to triple feed or whatever, but when you’re in it for the first time, and you get messages about b-feeding and you feel like you have to do this one thing to feed the baby, that’s when it’s a lot harder. I could tell my new mom self so many things to do differently based on where I am now and having had two kids, but I had to go through it to get here.
All to say, best advice is just to go in with an open mind and expect things to change. And I agree on new moms’ groups – it doesn’t matter if they become your besties, just having that support from others in the exact situation is so helpful. Oh and please do come back here if you’re struggling!
TheElms says
Yes, please don’t be scared away. And do come back if you are struggling. People here will try to help and even if all the suggestions don’t work for you, something might. Or at the very least you might come away with the sense that there is definitely no one right way to parent and you are 100% ok to do what you need to do to get through the difficult parts. Thick skin is probably good. I tried to go into being a FTM with very few expectations about what it would be like and I think that helped me immensely. I did have a really, really hard time in the beginning (I was advised to triple feed (it felt like that was the only way at the time — clearly in hindsight it was not), it took a long time for baby to regain her birth weight and that was stressful, and I had a csection), but it still worked out ok and I enjoyed my maternity leave (especially towards the end) and I LOVE my kid – not every second of every day, but I really cannot imagine life without her.
anonM says
Yeah, the past few days threads are why I periodically take breaks from this site. I’m not sure what happens but sometimes it randomly gets super rude. Hope you’ll come back anyways. We all aren’t like that.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 to BLE’s words. I think people are just especially near the ledge these days given everything that’s going on in the world. I find this place to be usually very compassionate.
Caveat that there is the occasional dose of “your husband/partner/marriage sucks” from a vocal few, as their partnership is clearly perfect and what a stressed out womxn really needs is more blame ;)
Patricia Gardiner says
Not sure if I’ll make it out of mod but: for our second baby we had the Snoo, and it was so. great. She slept so well, and it shortened the times I was up at night since it could put her back to sleep.
And I resisted getting a swing because they have such a huge footprint, but it’s only for a few months and it was really helpful.
Anonymous says
And OP, if you didn’t know already, you can rent a Snoo!
Telco Lady JD says
Congratulations!
This is a list of things to think about and make a plan for – not necessarily outsource (though that could be part of the plan).
– Do you have pets? Where will they stay in the last week(s) of your pregnancy/while you are in the hospital/immediately after you get home? Who is going to walk them? (Do not count on your physical ability – or availability) to do so.) We kept ours at a trusted kennel for two weeks before my due date and two weeks after. And then we had daily dog walker for another month.
-How will you feed yourselves? Freezer meals? Meal train? Takeout?
-How will you divide overnight duties? Does a night nurse or postpartum doula make sense for you? Can you and your partner divide up the nights? (We kept the bassinet in the living room and split up nights from 9:00-2:00 and 2:00-7:00 so that each partner could get a solid chunk of sleep.)
-How do you feel about house guests/your parents/siblings staying with you to help? Is this going to actually be helpful or cause more stress?
Birthday help please! says
For my daughter’s 4th birthday party we’re having two little friends from her school come over and I don’t know what to do!! We have cupcakes covered…and that’s about it. I’ve literally never had an indoor playdate for her before that wasn’t just the kids of our friends. Do I plan an activity?? Do the other parents stay? Do I have to make chit chat with them for two hours? Ahhhh! Why am I so nervous about this?
Anonymous says
It will be fine! The parents will likely stay and chit chat. I set up one activity and otherwise they just play!
Anonymous says
With 4-year-olds, the parents will likely assume they are expected or at least welcome to stay. At this age, structured party activities are likely to be a bust, and just playing with someone else’s toys is super exciting. You could have some coloring pages or a simple craft kit on hand and get a bunch of helium balloons.
Anon says
so, you indicate whether the other parents should stay. i would think that at age 4 if they have never been to your house before, they will probably stay. kids love playing with other kids’ toys, but since it is such a small group, if you want to have an activity planned you could just buy 3 of those craft kits from Michaels that come with all of the supplies. depending on time, you might also have some snacks for the kids and adults.
Spirograph says
I’d bet on the other parents staying at that age. Have some grown up snacks and drinks and expect to chit chat for a couple hours. Pick ONE activity to direct the kids to (balloons, tunnel/tent, quick painting/craft project — let the other parents know if you’re painting, though!) unless you like herding cats and being a cruise director. Otherwise, make the places with toys in your house available for play and let the girls do what they want until you call them for cupcakes.
Clementine says
I usually have an ‘optional’ craft or something, but honestly they’ll spend 90% of their time playing with your kid’s toys. That’s the best part of going over to somebody’s house. With a 4 year old – unless you know the parents well – I would assume the parents would hang out. Make a pot of coffee, maybe have some wine in the fridge if that’s the vibe, but just chat with the parents about school and where to sign your kid up for swim lessons. It’s nothing big – it’ll be great.
ElisaR says
this….. exactly this. pick a little art project up at Michael’s so you have something if the playdate lends itself to that….. but it probably won’t. Don’t put too much time or worry into it because it might not even come into play. also, SNACKS.
Anonymous says
Since it is only two other kids, I’d just ask the other parents what their preference is. Do they wish to stay or do they wish to drop their kiddo off for a few hours? I’d tell them that you’re happy with either – that you’d enjoy getting to know them but that you’re also happy to give them a few hours to focus on something else.
Anon says
At 4 yo, it can be fun to have the kids come in their favorite costume if they’d like. My 4 yo would have been all over dressing up.
Good crafts are things like sticking jewel stickers on a ribbon wand or crown or stringing a necklace. Kids also like adding sprinkles and candy to the top of cupcakes.
For a game, you can also hang a hoola hoop from a door casing and the kids can make a game of scoring goals by getting balloons through the hoop.
Anon says
Echo that the parents would probably expect to stay. We did this recently but with just one friend, and it was the first time we’d met them — it turned out being great. Parents drank wine and got to know each other while kids played. I’d plan one or two very low key activities for the kids. I checked with the other parents first, but we did “princess makeover” — I got some spray on hair sparkles, did their hair in buns, and the girls got dressed up like princesses. We also had a pull-string pinata. Otherwise they just had a blast playing with each other.
Anonymous says
I am HERE for this. Mom of 3 girls, youngest is turning 4. In our crowd, I would say “feel free to drop off, but you are welcome to stay if you like.” At this age kids (and parents) are a real mixed bag. My kid would be dropped off. It would not be weird to have a parent stay, but they will likely be happy to help out with party stuff. If it’s afternoon, have adult drinks (seltzer is fine, beer if you like) on hand.
You should plan an activity like a craft project (don’t over think this. Pony beads + pipe cleaners, decorate a wooden $1 picture frame with foam stickers, color/paint wooden fairy wants [$1 at craft store] etc). If you do anything with paint, have smocks/ratty clothes on hand. If you want to go crazy, you could do manicures and hair extensions and have a dance party since it’s just the 3 of them. Another idea would be to buy or make sugar cookies in advance then let them go nuts with store bought cookie frosting and sprinkles. Get take home containers so they can take that cr@p home. We’ve also been to parties where they have geode smashing, making slime, find-the-alien type stuff. That’s next level for me.
Have a play area designated for when the kids are done with the craft. Music, dress-up, play kitchen/blocks, that sort of thing. When they get to this stage, if you have any adults around, this is when you can have coffee/seltzer and chat while the kids destroy your playroom/playing area. Do not leave them unattended with play doh or crafts, but leaving them to their own devices with dress up is fine.
About 25 minutes before pickup, do cupcakes. When they inevitably don’t wan to leave, use goody bags as a bribe to get them out the door. Can be a bag o’junk or you can do something like a little beanie boo or squishmellow. Don’t let them choose and ideally, make them all the same.
Anonymous says
This is the way.
DLC says
+1 to the costumes if your kid is into it. I think for my kid’s 4th birthday we did princess costumes and had a foot soak and painted our toenails as the activity and then blasted music and had a dance party. It was a drop off party. But this was pre COVID so even though we didn’t really know the parents we would see them and chat at drop off every day. That slight familiarity might make a difference.
Anon says
We just threw my daughter a small outdoor 4th birthday party. I’d buy some balloons for the kids to play with (I planned some activities but mostly, the girls just wanted to run around and chase each other with helium balloons). All of the parents stayed, which was fine with me. Since it was around lunch time, I also ordered pizzas and made it clear the adults were welcome to food, too. The Mondo Llama brand at Target has some cute, easy craft kits if you want to have something else on hand for them to do, just in case.
Anon says
I am hoping for a reality check. I am not sure if this should bother me or not. I work for a company where our group reports to a group lead and everyone else is ranked the same. We are bringing in someone new and my leader said my review next year will include how well I help the new person transition. We will be doing the same work but the new guy will be a co-worker not a direct report. While it was always my intention to help out, I was not expecting that this might affect my review. I am not a supervisor. What do y’all think? I have 3 kids and honestly have just enough bandwidth to do my job. Part of me wants to push back but that is very much against my nature. I will probably just go along with it and hope for the best but I keep thinking about it as the new guy’s start date nears.
Anon says
at least where i work, it is not unheard of to have to help someone at my level adjust, but i’m not usually told something like “this will be part of your review”
Anonymous says
I tell my staff to document things like this in their reviews (the way our system works, they write the first draft of their own reviews) so I can use it as evidence to support a raise or promotion.
Anonymous says
If you’re being formally assigned to support the new employee’s onboarding, I would take this as a development opportunity and use it when it comes time to advocate for a raise or a promotion to group lead.
Bette says
This. In my org this is seen as a potential for demonstrating leadership and is a step towards getting promoted. I’d ask more about it (is this just something they are asking of you or of everyone at your level, what are the rubric they are using to evaluate you on this?)
Anonymous says
I’d ask something along the lines of whether success in this task would lead to consideration for a supervisory position, or if that’s something you’re being groomed for.
Is everyone on your team being rated on their help with the new coworker’s transition, or is it just you? If it’s not everyone, and you’re NOT interested in a supervisory position, I’d consider suggesting the task should be given to someone who is gunning for a promotion.
Anon says
OP here – thank you for all of the replies! Because of how our group is structured, there is no opportunity for promotion and it is just me that has this task (because we will be doing about the same work). But I think that it is a good point that this should improve my compensation assuming all goes well!
Anonymous says
My husband had one year where he had in his performance goals “ensure Joe remains with the company.” Joe was the guy he beat out for his promotion. It was weird to have it written like that, but it was apparently a directive that came from the CEO. They chose my husband for the big leadership role but Joe was highly valued.
Clementine says
So I am going through this right now. I have a staffer who wants a promotion, but what is holding this person back are concerns that they are not going to be able to transition from technical expert to manager. We specifically need them to demonstrate that they can train and supervise. I also was expecting that her personal work productivity might dip slightly because she’s teaching/assisting versus doing ‘her’ work. She has been told all this clearly, as well as been told by my supervisor that we know she wants to be promoted, what we want to see is X,Y, and Z.
I think it would be very reasonable to have a chat with your supervisor about time expectations. Are they expecting you to full on onboard the staffer (and thus reduce your base work production), or just be available for occasional help? What does ‘success’ at this task look like?
Anon says
Was coming to say the same thing. I’d have an enthusiastic but very clear conversation am with your boss to say I want to make sure we are on the same page about supporting new guy in his transition, since that could mean a lot of different thing, can you tell me what you have in mind? You definitely need to know if you’re supposed to be reviewing his work or having monthly meetings or helping introduce him to people he should know or something else entirely.
anon says
Can you all share what you do for backup sick care? So far I have lucked out with my toddler not being sick when I need to be in court but I think my luck will run out eventually. My employer does not provide backup care options (nor do I think they would take a sick kid? I don’t know), we do not have family close by, and DH’s job has negative flexibility. Toddler is in full-time daycare and we have not hired a sitter before.
Do nannies/sitters exist who will come when kids are sick? How do you all handle situations when kiddo is sick and you have to be somewhere for work?
TheElms says
Some nannies will come for mildly sick kids, especially if they have been on antibiotics for a day already (but not in the Covid era). But for somethings you or your husband will just have to take a sick day. I had to reschedule a client presentation because my husband was travelling for work pre-Covid and baby had HFM (no one will come for HFM because its so contagious). Its not great, but it happens. It is just life with kids.
AIMS says
We are lucky to have a willing grandparent not too far away. But there are nannies for this. In our case, there is a former day care teacher who has told parents she is available for this sort of thing. I would ask around, particularly your daycare/other parents.
CCLA says
We used a nanny agency and we’re always up front about the kids being sick (not the one time the oldest had noro, but pretty much anything else, even when baby had hfm they were fine with coming). Covid changed all that but I hope to get back to it one day soon. Sigh.
Anonymous says
There is a drop-in day care center especially for sick kids associated with one of our local hospital systems. They group the kids by type of illness. I don’t know what they are doing in Covid times, though.
Anonymous says
We take turns taking sick days.
Anonymous says
I usually catch what the baby has.
anon says
I’ve had expensive agencies on call for backup care, but I’ve never heard of them providing sick care. I don’t think there’s a good option here, unless you have a full-time nanny who doesn’t mind continuing to care for sick children.
Maybe a college student/person with a low wage flexible job you’re willing to pay an obscene premium to for sick care? If a person’s job is caring for sick children from many households, then they’re more likely to bring another bug to your house.
Anon says
We have an au pair. She lives in the house so is already exposed. She’ll cover mildly sick days, but we’ll have a parent WFH to cover if a kid is very sick. For instance my 5 yo is home today with a runny nose. Per covid protocol she can’t go back until we get a negative PCR test. They’re doing a craft together right now.
Anonymous says
In Before Times, we would do one of the following:
– Both work from home, split the day so we don’t actually have to take PTO
– One of us takes the day off
– See if a local sitter or grandparent could help out (rare)
It sort of depends why the kid is sick. When my kids were young and had chest/breathing stuff, I had them in my lap all day long. We often had to go to the doctor/ER for breathing treatment. If it was a fussy baby with a possible ear infection, someone had to take baby to the doctor, get penicillin, etc. If it was an older kid with a head cold and a fever, then it was much easier.
Now that we both WFH basically always, and our kids are older (4, 6, 9), we just let the kids stay home. We are there with TV, soup, and tylenol, but they are pretty self sufficient and good at giving us time to work. If there is aggressive vomiting or anything requiring a doctor visit, we see who can cover and we flex.
OP says
Thanks everyone for the responses! Seems like for our particular situation (I cannot call out sick for court and DH does non-elective surgeries—aka no sick days unless covid) we need an au pair. Well, first I guess a bigger house to fit the au pair. *pulls out hair*
Anonymous says
“I cannot call out sick for court.” Annnnnd this is why we are still in a pandemic. I get that you can’t take off when your kid is sick, but if I were a client I would be pi$$ed as he11 if my lawyer showed up to court sick. One, because I don’t want to catch what you have. Two, because I want my lawyer to bring her A game on my court date.
Anon says
There’s a big difference between being sick yourself and calling out of court because your kid is sick. Timing often affects client money, so attorneys are expected to have backup childcare. Many firms offer this. Others use family, baby sitters, au pairs or nannies.
If you are sick yourself, there may be other options. No court wants someone to appear with covid symptoms.
Anon says
+1
anon says
“attorneys are expected to have backup childcare. Many firms offer this.”
My experience has been that firms offer theoretical backup childcare through a prominent national company that promises such things. However, when in need, even if I knew a few days in advance, I was never able to actually secure backup childcare through my firm’s service, because they were always booked up. Colleagues who did get service sometimes got a competent caregiver, and sometimes got someone who would let children go out unsupervised. This was all for healthy children. There was no option for ill children.
A blanket expectation of childcare never falling through is the kind of thing that makes parents, particularly mothers, leave the practice of law. Because, when you have children, even if you’re doing your best to secure backups, sometimes you run out of options other than not being at work so you can care for your child yourself.
Anonymous says
Yeah, backup childcare is largely a fiction invented to make firms look family-friendly. What you are really expected to have is a SAH spouse.
MD says
This might be waaaay over stepping but if your husband has any female partners with kids and you get a chance to chat with them you may want to ask what they do when their kids are sick. Medicine is yet another field where men “can’t” do emergency child care while the women just do it anyway and suffer the professional consequences. It sucks so, so badly to cancel a day of procedures and we do absolutely everything we can to avoid it, but every doctor Mom I know has done it at some point in life.
Slightly more helpful information: if my husband is traveling for work and I have enough notice I schedule clinic or academic time and not OR in case of kid emergencies. Or we’ll fly family in for those weeks. An au pair sounds great for you guys but for us those days are rare enough we can make it work.
TLDR- if you have “absolutely cannot miss” court dates it’s fair to have your husband help protect that time.
TheElms says
You do in fact call out sick for court. It happens.
Anonymous says
Yup. If you’re a lawyer and he’s a doctor and you have children and no ability to take sick days for child care, you need a solid backup care plan: nanny, vetted stable of sitters, relatives, or au pair.
Anon for this says
FWIW, I have a husband with a similar ‘you can’t just call out’ job. I actually had to find a new job because the whole ‘I can’t not be available’ thing was literally impossible. Anon here because people literally crucified my husband and told me to divorce him if he couldn’t support me, but… it was the right call for us.
Also, when you have a crazy intense job, it’s easy to forget that there are lots of interesting jobs that don’t require you to sacrifice your whole life… I had forgotten that for a long time but am genuinely happier now that I know the world won’t come crashing down if I call out because my kid has an ear infection.
Bette says
You don’t need an au pair, a nanny will serve the same function here.
Our nanny was willing to work through anything except possible covid.
NYCer says
+1. Nanny seems like the easiest solution here.
Anonymous says
OP, since you said your employer doesn’t offer backup care, are you a public defender or prosecutor by any chance? It might help to clarify that, as I think a lot of other commenters’ suggestions assume you’re at a big firm and have a different level of resources. (Not in criminal law, but still in public interest/dealing with people in crisis, and there is no way I could afford a lot of these suggestions.)
You and your spouse might need to think about a nanny or a smaller in-home daycare. DH has a job that he often absolutely can’t call in sick for (thankfully not every day), and while I love our center, but if I didn’t have coworkers who could cover for me, we’d need to find a different care arrangement or have one of us think about switching job (which DH is already thinking about as it is).
anon says
One option would be to develop a network of sitters/friends/coworkers who might be able to help in a pinch. There is an agency near me that will send a sitter to your house for a sick kid, so I think it exists, but I’m not sure how practical it is. Ideally, you’d have a list of people you can call to step in.
Also, have your husband ask both male and female colleagues what they do. Why is that your job?
JoJo says
Traveling for the first time in early March with DH and DD who is 18 months. 2.5/3-hr plane ride during nap time one way and bed time the other way. I’ve seen lots of advice here over the years, but not all in one place. We booked her a seat on the plane because she is squirrely and I will be 27 weeks pregnant when we go. We are staying at my MIL’s house, and will ship a pack-and-play to her. Do we bring a carseat on the plane with one of those carts? Specific recs welcome. Our regular ones are Britax convertibles and are heavy. I’m thinking we check or ship a cheap stroller. Extra outfits for everyone and all the snacks in carry-ons….what I am I missing?
Anon says
The classic travel carseat is the Cosco Scenera. It will fit on an airplane seat, but note that it will need to be in a window seat. You can also gate check it.
Boston Legal Eagle says
+1. Putting in the Scenera was 1000 times easier than our Britax. Yes, we had a cart thing that we strapped the car seat onto (search on amazon). We also had a cheap umbrella stroller for the airport. 18 months may be a bit young, but you can bring an iPad and see if she’ll watch it for a bit. Our then 2 year old (last time we’ve flown as a family – almost 4 years ago!) watched it for a bit but still had to be entertained for a lot of the flight.
anon says
+1 for the Cosco Scenera Next. $50 on Walmart. I got it for our upcoming flight (previously, we used the infant carseat). We also have a folding samsonite luggage cart to carry the carseat. Amazon also sells straps where you can hook it onto your luggage, or even a backpack strap.
If you’re looking to buy a travel stroller and have some spare cash, I recommend the Joolz Aer. It’s a one handed fold and fits into the overhead compartment. I also use it for everyday use like going grocery shopping. The storage basket is a bit small though.
Realist says
+1. And just get a strap or bungee cord to strap it onto a rolling suitcase, you don’t need to mess with one of those special carts.
anon says
If your toddler is good in carseats, then definitely get a Scenera Next and bring it on the plane. So much easier to have your toddler contained, at that point (and at 18 months mine would still nap/sleep in their carseat on the plane!). An easily-folded umbrella stroller is great. You can put the carseat in the stroller seat while the toddler walks or is carrier to hang it from the handle using the tether strap. The carseat will fit through the xray machine; the stroller might depending on how it folds, but if not just plan an extra few minutes for someone to hand-search it.
For the plane: snacks, tablet and headphones, stickers (we love the Melissa & Doug puffy reusable ones), some small novel toy to pull out when you need a distraction, a favorite stuffy.
Anonymous says
It’s free to check a stroller. Shipping it will be $$$.
Anon says
We use the Cosco seats for air travel as well. They only weigh a few pounds. Our first time traveling with it we bought a giant backpack to carry it, but that ended up being way more trouble than it was worth. After that, I just threw it over my shoulder using the built-in carrying strap, which was much easier (and I am not a strong person).
With an 18 month old, you’re almost certainly going to want a stroller in the airport. You can gatecheck it. We have the Summer Infant 3D Lite stroller for traveling and it’s held up pretty well.
AIMS says
Get a bag for the car seat on amazon – they are like a giant laundry bag and cost $12 but you don’t want to check a car seat and have it come out filthy/wet/filthy & wet.
+1 to the summer infant 3d lite stroller recommendation. It’s light, has a shoulder strap and reclines for naps. We used it for travel at 18 months-3 years and it was perfect. I assume that when you say you are shipping stuff you are just buying them to ship to your MIL’s house but if not, yes, shipping the actual item is going to be expensive!
Oh and just a random tip — my kids would not really do TV at 18 months for more than a few minutes but they would watch unlimited videos of themselves for hours on end (if permitted). I would compile a bunch for easy access in your phone to distract/entertain (the iphone generated photo videos are great for this). We got thru a whole flight that way once.
Also, not all planes have changing tables and even if they do it’s a horrible experience. Try to change baby immediately before take off and then hope they don’t no. 2 during the flight. If you still do a bottle/pacifier, get that ready for takeoff/landing because it helps with the ears.
TheElms says
Has anyone bought this brand? How is the quality/sizing? I’ve never heard of it before, but they have some cute things on final sale that are tempting.
H13 says
I’m wondering this too. I really like this sweater but know nothing about the brand.
Anonymous says
Me! I have this exact sweater in a deep maroon color and their ribbed pullover in a turquoise color. Their ads were following me on IG and I finally gave in during their post-Christmas sale. This sweater is great–looks very pulled together but the bracelet length is a bit chilly. TBH, I’ve been eyeing the version with full length sleeves. Sizing wise, I sized down on this sweater based on the reviews and it works for my A/B cupped self. Normal size on the ribbed pullover.
ElisaR says
I have another sweater of theirs and I really like it. It’s slightly itchy but I am super sensitive to fabrics.
A says
I’m scheduled for a colonoscopy and endoscopy next week and am feeling anxious about the days leading up to it. I have to do the two day prep and know it’s going to be rough to not be able to eat solid food for over 48 hours. Any suggestions? Truly hoping I get uneventful results and don’t have to do this again for a long time.
Walnut says
I’m here to cheer you on! The prep isn’t super fun, so prepare yourself to spend plenty of quality time in dashing distance of your toilet. Don’t hesitate to ask specific questions about what you can eat – hopefully there is something on the list that is a bit satiating for you. The pill plus water prep is my favorite and GoLytely is not my friend. You do have some choice contrary to what the procedure scheduler may tell you.
Sending good vibes that all goes well!
OP says
Thank you! I’ve thought of you as I’ve been dealing with this, and I really appreciate you sharing your experience.
Anon says
Buy some good tasting chicken broth….it will hopefully take the edge off. And eating bland food in the couple days leading up to your fast can make the expelling process easier (avoid heavy greasy things). Also, ask your doctor if there are alternate methods to using Suprep and have one on hand; it tasted so bad I could not drink more than 2/3 of the first bottle, so I called the office and she allowed me to switch to Miralax + Gatorade and it worked just fine.
I’m sorry, it really isn’t easy but it’s such a great feeling (and an excellent nap) to have it behind you.
Anon says
YMMV but I find it easier to fast completely than to eat chicken broth and things like that that are close to real food but not actual food.
Anonymous says
Apparently this varies a lot, but I preferred drinking approved liquids with enough calories in them that I wasn’t hungry all the time during the prep, especially before I started the heavy laxatives – approved juices, gatorade, even soda. There’s really no reason to fast if you don’t want to.
OP says
So good to know, thanks! I’m going to buy a bunch of bland stuff to have on hand and see how it goes.
IUI? says
I am having an IUI soon (probably next week although will depend on how Monday’s mid-cycle scan looks). Anybody have experience to share or tips? I am currently taking clomid, which has been fine (no real side-effects that I can identify other than fatigue, which might be due to other causes).
anon says
Of the handful of IUI’s I did, the best one was the (pre-covid) one where we treated it like a date, had coffee together beforehand and did something together afterwards. Can you take your partner in with you or not? There’s a little down time after procedure, so face time with partner or listen to music you enjoy. Good luck to you – and be kind to yourself!
Anon says
In case you’re still reading-my experience was that from the physical side, it’s not too bad. If you’ve had other procedures like a HSG it feels similarly.
The harder part for me was emotionally-at least at my clinic, I went in by myself (in 2015, so very pre-Covid) and it felt like a very cold and impersonal experience. In contrast to embryo transfers where the partner comes and I was more coddled, for lack of a better word. Not sure why my clinic didn’t automatically have partners come in-if I’d known in advance, I would have asked! Mine was also done by nursing staff, not my doctor. These could all be clinic-specific, though.
Aunt Jamesina says
IUI was nothing like an HSG for me! The HSG was super painful for me… IUIs were no more than what I’d experienced at a regular gyn appointment (maybe a bit of discomfort, but so unremarkable I don’t remember a year+ later).
Aunt Jamesina says
My IUIs were very straightforward and quick appointments. It’s more of the mental game after that’s the hard part. I always waited for the blood test rather than trying to test on my own so I would have a definitive answer, but I know everyone feels differently. Best of luck to you!
So Anon says
Good luck! I went through several IUIs and none were as painful as an HSG. The first IUI was on a weekday, so it felt very clinical and short blip in the day. The IUI that stuck was on a weekend, so my partner was with me, which was much better. My IUI baby turns 11 next week!
Anon says
Anyone feel like your daycare closes more frequently for non-Covid reasons now than they did before? Our daycare is affiliated w/a university and used to only close for weather if the university closed. Now it closes pretty much whenever the public schools close, which is a lot more frequent (especially in the Covid era when the public schools can do a virtual learning day instead of a full snow day they have to make up). I’m going to have at most two days of childcare this week and Covid isn’t even the cause!
anon says
Mine isn’t closing extra for non-Covid reasons, but it might be a retention strategy. Managing Covid precautions in a kind and developmentally appropriate way for young children on top of the usual parts of the job is extra exhausting for educators. If an educator leaves, it’s going to be really hard to replace them, especially with someone highly qualified.
Might be easier to close when public schools close and give their educators a break (or, let them care for their own children) than deal with the fallout if a few educators decide the stress of the job just isn’t worth it.
Anonymous says
+1. Mine is closing more often to prevent staff burnout. There are more holidays on the calendar this year, and it was completely closed for the week between Christmas and New Year’s for the first time ever. For snow days, the policy has always been to close when the public schools close.
SC says
My son is in 1st grade at a private school. It seems like they’ve closed a lot for non-Covid reasons lately. They closed for cold weather recently. The school is in a suburb of New Orleans, and the temperature on the day school closed did not drop below 35. Apparently, though, some teachers and students live further away, and there was a risk of ice on the bridges from those locations. No thought to just opening at 9 once the ice had a chance to melt.
The next week, the school closed due to a power outage. I get that they can’t be in school with no power, but it was frustrating.
That same week, my son had to miss school for a medical test. Not the school’s issue, but the upshot was that he went to school 3 out of 5 school days. He hasn’t attended a full week of school this calendar year.
Anon says
Maybe because they’re realizing risking their safety to get to work isn’t worth it?
Anonymous says
All of a sudden I am getting tons of personalized ads for horse equipment and horseback riding vacations. I hope this doesn’t mean my kid has been searching for horse-related things. We do not need a pony. That is all.
EDAnon says
It’s probably because someone said “buy a horse” earlier in the comments. :)