This post may contain affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
The first thing I bought for our new home was a new shower caddy to replace our old, rusted one.
So far, it still looks great! It holds Costco-sized shampoo bottles with ease and includes a soap dish, razor holder, and loofah/washcloth hook. It’s made from anodized aluminum so it won’t rust, and the non-slip hooks won’t scratch your shower door.
If you don’t have a shower door, there’s also a version that goes over your showerhead.
This shower caddy from OXO is $51.95 at Amazon. The showerhead version is $49.99 for the three-tier model and $36.99 for the two-tier.
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
Click here to see our top posts!
And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Pogo says
Reporting to you live from my personal hell that is quarantine with an angry toddler. I told my husband I’m just going to leave my mic on all day and let him scream on all my calls because they denied my FMLA request.
Why is the toddler angry? I wouldn’t let him eat a battery. Among a long list of injustices he’s suffered today, others include being forced to wear a diaper and not allowed to slide headfirst down the stairs.
how is the rest of the hive?
AnonATL says
Mine also had a “scream all morning” start to his day. We luckily have daycare this week, unlike last. We leaned hard on Peppa and now have to break his habit (hence the screaming).
EDAnon says
Breaking the TV habit it hard. It is easiest to totally upend stuff if you can (like be out of the house all the time!).
AnonATL says
oh yeah. It’s been a lot of playground time to detox recently :)
So Anon says
I’m feeling rage-y lately. Maybe it was the local radio station proclaiming that this will be the first St. Patrick’s day “back to normal” in two years. Meanwhile, Covid is now raging through the lower grades at our elementary school, so it feels like the walls are closing in and it is just a matter of time until one of my kids gets sick. This includes a neighbor sending her older kid (maybe 7?) on the bus when her younger child (5) is home with Covid, and this is a family that elected not to vax. Maybe it is the Janu-Feb gloom of perpetual 30-40 degrees and gray skies. Maybe it is my older kid being overwhelmed by the sensory experience of wet snowpants and yelling at me. Blech.
REAtty says
30-40 degrees sounds absolutely balmy. It never gets above -10 degrees anymore where I am (the frozen tundra of MN). But, it doesn’t matter. My toddler still doesn’t want to wear a hat, coat, or sometimes even a shirt most days.
So Anon says
30-40 is warm for here too! It’s making the snow this gross sludgey mess. We will have days where it gets above freezing and the next day it is -2 at the bus stop. Super fun. Earlier this week, I was yelled at by my 10yo because I didn’t tell him it was cold outside. We live in northern New England. It’s February. I don’t feel like I need to make that an explicit statement every.single.morning.
Anon says
can companies deny FMLA requests on whatever grounds they want? my 3.5 year old twins are driving me insane. and we have childcare! there is just so.much.whining. and complaining. and every mealtime they seem to have trouble keeping the food on their plates and it often ends up on the table, next to their placemats.
Pogo says
I don’t know, because I’m still annoyed about the whole thing and refuse to engage with HR on it, but I suspect it was because my pediatrician did not explicitly state “child will be disabled for 10 days due to COVID and requires full time care” and just wrote “child has COVID and requires 10 days quarantine”.
Anonymous says
Ummm….if you’d like to patch me in, I’m happy to scream on your work calls along with your toddler, because that is not ok.
Realist says
Not that this helps now, but I’m not sure most doctors are aware of how this language can matter in the HR/Legal world, so I think you have to advocate for yourself and be like “Look, I know this is silly, but my HR department is only going to approve time off for me to care for toddler if you phrase the doctor’s note like this. Do you think you could do this? I write the key phrases down to make it easy for me to remember.” and then hand the doctor a note with the phrasing you want them to use. Depending on the doctor you might need to assure them you aren’t trying to override their medical judgment and just point out that you are leaving the medical stuff up to them, but that there are key phrases that HR is looking for that will help you get leave so it would really help you if they could use those phrases if they agree that they reflect the medical conclusion.
Anon says
Yep. If they denied my FMLA leave I would have asked HR exactly what they needed and gone back to the doctor to get that note.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agreed – I think a lot of this is bureaucracy in the insurance world, not necessarily that they meant to deny your claim. It’s annoying but if your ped is like mine, they know they have to check certain (arbitrary) boxes to get insurance to cooperate.
Walnut says
My doctor once wrote a standing note for daycare stating: “This child experiences frequent colds that manifest in goopy eyes. If the eye is not red, the child does not have pinkeye” after we showed up three times in two weeks after being sent home for pink eye.
The third time the doctor met us in the lobby and waved us home with the note.
Anon says
My toddler was sick yesterday – threw up everything he ate for six hours straight. He woke up this morning, snuggled with us in bed, ate his breakfast, and built a fort out of couch cushions.
GCA says
Ughh, I’m sorry. Why on earth are they denying you your FMLA request at this point? (That just seems like more evidence that parents of small children/ workers who interact with small children have to live in a completely different reality from most people right now, no one is coming to save us, etc.)
We are on Day 0 post-quarantine, kid is back in daycare, and I have one day of leave left today so am attempting to get all the things done before my childcare infrastructure falls apart again.
Pogo says
Like I said – I suspect it has to do with the exact wording the ped used. I hoped that because I explained I needed this for my leave, he would take that into consideration in how he phrased it.
To be honest, I don’t *need* it, I could just do what someone mentioned the other week and put myself on an unofficial leave of absence – aka respond to emails and listen on calls, but mostly take care of myself and my kids. Instead, I was trying to follow our protocols to prove that parents need to use this leave (we have an additional paid lead on top of FMLA if you qualify). This just proves to me that managements claims they care about parents are hollow and total lip service.
Anonymous says
Go back and get the note with the right wording! If you want to prove that parents need this leave, then see it through! Besides, an actual leave will be much less stressful than the unofficial kind.
anonM says
So, we needed a return to daycare note. I went to Mr. Newbie Doctor who was so excruciatingly thorough on the well visit exam (kid has no issues and the visit took foreverrrrrrrr) and his “note” that it was useless for daycare (“could be allegeries, could be teething. send home if febrile” — not helpful for return to daycare with literally just a runny nose! I had to google “febrile”. I can lol at this now.). Went back to see our fav ped and she was like “oh sheeshhh just call/see me next time, your daycare policy is insane. Here’s a note!” You might just need to see a ped who is a little more relaxed/has been-there-seen it. I will schedule visits during the middle of nap time just to be able to see her and no other ped in the practice.
TLDR – a new pediatrician might be better for you overall!
Boston Legal Eagle says
We are on day 2 of our test and stay protocol after our 3 year old had an exposure earlier this week. So far he’s been negative and 0 symptoms (this is a kid who gets a runny nose constantly). Fingers crossed it stays this way! I really hope your and GCA’s daycares (and everyone else’s) adopt this asap.
Otherwise the usual chaos here that is having a 5 and 3 year old. One broke the other’s playdoh earth ball and it was a declaration of war.
Pogo says
We just started test and stay at preschool for the older kiddo. My younger one goes to a different daycare with their own made-up protocols (lol). I guess with private daycares they can technically implement whatever they want? In this case requiring a negative PCR at day 5 post-exposure AND day 10. They said it was because he can’t mask, otherwise after day 5 would be fine, but, whatever. From talking to friends there have been a wide array of protocols, not always in line w/ board of health or CDC.
Anonymous says
Our private daycare has to follow the local health department protocols or risk their license. The local health dept is much more cautious than the CDC.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, MA just allowed the test and stay for daycares, so the daycare would be following health protocols. I don’t think there’s a mask/no mask distinction, at least not according to our daycare. But that doesn’t help you Pogo, and I hope your little one gets a negative test result soon!
Anonymous says
Test to stay would be amazing. I’m not in MA, alas. We also still have a mask/no mask distinction, so my 16-mo-old gets the full 10 days.
Anon. says
Same. Our county health department is still mandating a 14 day quarantine and closing the classroom for a single case.
Anon says
I’ve been waiting for a turn of a document that the other side has sat on for 10 days, and apparently they are going to send it today, the day I leave to take my daughter and spend the weekend with my mom for a girls’ weekend. So much rage about their incompetence (this is not the first episode like that). And DD had multiple meltdowns this morning because I picked out two pairs of leggings (after she asked me to) to match her dress so she could choose and then sobbed hysterically that she only wants one. I packed the other pair of pants she apparently wanted to wear today. And because I made her wear a coat (in the 40 degree rain) which is a problem because apparently the coat restricts her ability to “twirl in the rain”. That reminds me, I need to pack the headphones for this drive so I don’t lose my mind with 2+ hours of Ryans world, Blippi and Barbie Dreamhouse.
Anonymous says
I just unfriended my oldest mom friend on social media after she posted that lockdown had taken away so much from her family that she will never get back. What lockdown? Her kids have been at in-person school continuously for more than a year. She and her family have been out there living their best life visiting family, attending weddings, and taking vacations the entire time. (She did complain bitterly when they all caught COVID at a pre-vaccine gathering and had to isolate at home.) The only things I can see that that she’s lost were her older daughter’s school dance and a few months of SAHM alone time while her husband worked from home in 2020.
Meanwhile, we’ve been struggling with a 2e kid whose issues were greatly exacerbated by 15 months of on-line learning at a different school than the one Ms. Perfect Instamom’s kids attend. My husband and I are both now permanently remote, not by choice, in a house with no home office. I have been trapped in my bedroom for 18 hours a day with my husband yelling on Zoom in the next room for nearly two years, and this will continue until retirement. Ms. Perfect Instamom kicked our kid out of the book club last year because we wanted it to meet outside until the kids were vaccinated, and we had to pull our kid from choir because Ms. Perfect Instamom refuses to send her kid in a mask. I don’t even know what I will do when I next run into her in person. If this goes on much longer I will have no friends left.
Anonymous says
“ I have been trapped in my bedroom for 18 hours a day with my husband yelling on Zoom in the next room for nearly two years, and this will continue until retirement”
I hope the fog of war lifts soon and you are able to see that this is not a lifetime sentence until retirement
Pogo says
ugh. I am sorry.
anon says
I’m sorry. Instamom sounds like a royal PITA.
Anonanonanon says
Usolicited rec: search Cooper Mega Table XXL Folding Bed Desk on you know where. Saved me when I was trapped in my bedroom on telework days in 2020.
Anonymous says
Ha, thanks. I did manage to squeeze a little wooden desk into the bedroom so I don’t actually have to sit on the bed, thank goodness. I would really, really like a home office, though, so I could have some sort of boundaries.
Anonanonanon says
Yea being trapped all day in the same room you sleep in is ROUGH on mental health. I’m so sorry, I hope you’re able to find some kind of solution eventually.
SC says
My husband wants to knock out a wall, eliminate our home office, and make the living room larger. I keep telling him it’s a terrible idea.
Anonymous says
That is the worst idea ever.
Anon says
She’s definitely not a perfect mom if she’s rushing to infect her kids with covid and actively trying to spread it to others. She sounds awful and you really shouldn’t grieve her absence from your life.
Anonymous says
Mine screamed because she couldn’t put on her hat, shoes, and coat to go to daycare as soon as she got out of her crib. I’m glad she likes it there, but I was not awake enough for that this morning. We’ve been lucky enough to have daycare all week, but 2 of her “friends” are out sick, so I’m expecting her to get sent home and/or have to stay home tomorrow.
Anonymous says
So the question is did she still want to put them on when it was time to leave?
Anonymous says
Yes. She screamed and yelled ZHUUUUUS (shoes) for about 45 min. I gave her her shoes, but she was angry that they didn’t fit well over her pajama feet. She didn’t want her diaper changed. She didn’t want to get out of her pajamas. She was all smiles once she had her coat, hat, and shoes on.
Curious says
This is at once horrifying and a little funny. Thank you for bringing some light into my day. Hang in there.
Anonymous says
You too, Curious! 45 min of screaming about shoes is nothing compared to what you’re going through! I was definitely laughing as soon as she was out the door.
Curious says
I am stuck in the hospital for chemo until Saturday while my four month old screams bloody murder, refuses naps, and refuses to eat because she is teething. This is day 4 of watching helplessly and I am at my wit’s end. I know she has four adults caring for her between nanny, dad, and grandparents, and she could not be more loved but I just want to hold her.
Anonymous says
Sending all the hugs to you, Curious!
EDAnon says
That must be so hard. I am so sorry.
Anon says
I’m so so sorry. That makes all our pandemic stress look trivial in comparison.
ElisaR says
so very true.
Curious says
Honestly at least this is only a week and not a 2 year marathon with no clear end in sight. I think we will all be glad of an under-5s vaccine…
Pogo says
oh big hugs. Feel free to not check in at home if it is stressing you out!
Curious says
Thank you. And good luck with your own little screaming one. We love them so much but this pandemic childcare situation is nigh impossible.
Anon says
I know there have been several threads lately about early-waking toddlers, but I’m too sleepy to find them. DD wakes up around 5/5:30 lately, ready to pop up. What’s the common wisdom here — move bedtime earlier or later? She has a fully belly before bed, so I don’t think it’s a hunger issue. Help!
Anonymous says
One of mine was like this, and I’m sorry. I think she eventually grew out of it. I’m not sure, I feel like I blocked that entire time of my life out. One thing that did work to some extent was waking her up to pee before I went to bed. Then she didn’t wake herself up at 5:30am.
Another idea- how old is she and how much does she nap? We stopped naps at 2.5 for all my kids so they would sleep a full 12-13 hours at night.
GCA says
If you had told me when DS was 2 or 3, that I would be prodding him awake for first grade in the morning, I would probably have laughed in your face. At that age he was indeed a 5.30am riser. And yet I’ve had to nudge him awake at 6.30 a few times this year, though most of the time he is up at 6. Sometimes that really is just their circadian rhythm.
OP – my suggestion would depend on her age, whether she naps, what time bedtime is, and how worn out she is at bedtime.
Realist says
Mine just had to outgrow it. None of the tricks ever worked. It took years. But I’m sure you still want to try things. Trying the dream pee is a good idea, around 10pm just lift them on the potty and make a “pssss” sound and they should go without really waking up. Make sure they are getting enough magnesium. Try both early and later bedtimes for 2 weeks each (set a schedule, keep for 2 weeks) to see if the wake up helps. Outside time in late afternoon might help. If nothing works, you just have to find a way to accept it. Trade off with DH. Make the really hard adjustments to your schedule so 5:30 is not so difficult for you, etc.
OP says
Thanks for these suggestions. I should’ve noted in the original post: she’s just turned two and still in diapers, so no potty issue. And she’s napping for about ninety minutes, sometimes two hours, at daycare, so I’m not able to adjust the timing there, unfortunately.
AIMS says
YMMV, but whenever my kids woke up too early I pushed their bedtime earlier and they slept later. I don’t know how that makes sense, but nothing about toddlers makes sense so this is par for the course.
Also, at this age, I highly recommend one of those OK to Wake clocks. We joke that ours is the single best $50 we ever spent.
Anon says
+1 Sleep begets sleep. Moving bedtime earlier often leads to a kid sleeping later.
Anon says
2 of my 4 kids are early wakers. At 2, I found that going in to give a bottle in the crib at the first 5:30 cry can buy me time. With my younger, I can get a full hour out of a bottle of milk, and with my older, I usually got like 45 minutes at this age. The HATCH clock helps. At 2.5, my child “understands” that I won’t get her out of her crib until the light turns green, but I will give a bottle before that time. I always, always turn the light green before getting her out of her crib, even if the actual time shifts. It helps to keep the crying down because she doesn’t expect me to get her if I go in earlier with a bottle.
My older is 7, and still uses his old school “okay to wake” clock to signal when he can get out of bed.
GCA says
+1 on both of these. I don’t know how it works, but sometimes a too-late bedtime causes the early wakeup. Aaaand sometimes it doesn’t and that really is your kid’s circadian rhythm. However, maybe the waking up isn’t the problem, the real problem is that it’s waking you. And that’s where the Hatch comes in handy.
On the other hand, if you are me (a chronic and lifelong early riser) and the early waking is preventing you from getting time to yourself, i am very very sorry and hope your kid outgrows it!
EP-er says
I have no advice, only commiseration. I can only tell you that my son has always been a 5:30/6 AM riser and he is 14 now. At a certain point, you can let them get up alone while you doze longer!
Hang in there! I hope this is a short season for you.
FVNC says
And this is how my oldest got herself a tablet.
We assumed she’d grow out of her early rising, but never did. At around age 4, we got her a Fire that we could lock down, both content-wise and with specific start and end times. At age 8, she still wakes up early (usually between 5-5:30) but reads until her tablet starts working at 5:45 then watches 45 min of shows. She still has her okay to wake clock that turns green at 6:30, but she usually is content to read for a bit after her tablet time. After all this time, we’ve come to accept it’s just how her body is wired (for now). All the solidarity, and I hope you find a solution that gets you some sleep!
Anon says
I think a large degree is the natural rhythm of the child/family…that said, I am not a morning person and have done late bedtimes for all my babies and toddlers during their napping years and they tend to have late(r) mornings. I’m talking like bedtime at 9-10pm, wake-up at 7-8am. That may not work with your schedule, but it has been good for us. Early bedtimes leading to better or longer sleep has not been true for any of my three kids.
NLD in NYC says
I had success with the Hatch light. Took ~2 weeks to gradually shift from 5/5:30am wakings to 6:30am, but it is so worth it. Set the light to come on 10 minutes later every few days until he started consistently waking around 6:30.
Follow-up? says
Mom who’s employee went over her head about “workload”because she talked about her parenting duties- did you talk to your employee? How did it go?
anon says
Thanks everyone who shared experiences and tips for my upcoming IUI! I will probably be solo for it due to my husband’s schedule, but I feel okay about that given what all of you have described.
Also, thanks to everyone who encouraged me to see an RE – I was the poster who asked if it was worth it if I wasn’t going to do IVF, and it has been a really good decision.
Pogo says
aww good luck!! I skipped straight to IVF because of my diagnosis but while it was tough at the time, I’m so glad we did it.
Anon says
i went solo. it wasn’t a big deal at all. pretty quick and not super painful. i got lucky and it worked on the first try and we have twins
Aunt Jamesina says
Yup, same. I had to because of Covid anyway (the only time my husband could come in to my RE’s office was to be waiting for me in the recovery room after egg retrievals. He even had to take care of his… deposits outside the office and leave them in a dropbox outside the main door!) and it’s really okay. I was frustrated he couldn’t be there for the IUI, but once it was over in under ten minutes, I was glad he hadn’t used his leave time to come. It’s nice to have support, but I just FaceTimed him after the fact.
Aunt Jamesina says
Good luck! <3
anon says
Good luck! We’re also in the midst of fertility things (have an upcoming FET) and our clinic covid restrictions still don’t allow anyone in besides patients, so everyone is doing appointments solo.
Aunt Jamesina says
Best of luck to you!
Anon says
Tips on parenting with a partner struggling with mental health issues?
DH is 3-years sober (yay!) and takes a boatload of depression and anxiety meds. He loves us and is as supportive as he can be, but it’s limited. His meds knock him out and he has a nap or two most days (only possible since he has his own law practice and control over this own schedule). He’s very sensitive to anything that could be construed as criticism – an offhand comment from the 7yo can send him spiraling for hours.
I know, in my head, that getting through a day is just always going to be harder for him than it is for me – I’m proud of the steps he has taken in recovery, and in treating his long-neglected mental health issues with meds and therapy.
But on a practical, day to day level – I am exhausted. I don’t feel like I can ever be off my game, because the family only functions because I contribute 110%. I do cooking, laundry, most daycare and school drop-offs and pickups, grocery shopping, trip planning, medical appointments, bill paying – it’s a constant struggle to keep my head above water. I work fulltime + in a Big Job (though not big pay – director level government job) and there’s not much flexibility to cut back there at all – though I do try to ‘call in sick’ every month or two just to give myself a break.
DH would be mortified to know that I see him in some ways like a third kid – but the walking on eggshells that I do to protect his pride, and to let him feel like an ‘equal’ contributor (when in fact I do 90% of the work) is exhausting. I think this is a just a ‘suck it up’ type situation, but does anyone have tips to make it easier?
Anon says
i actually think this is kind of a lets go to couples therapy and figure this out kind of situation. and i don’t mean because this is a problem in your marriage, but because sometimes a 3rd party can help with these kinds of discussions. this is not sustainable for you. it is one thing for an acute crisis situation or something, but if this is what things will be like long term, you need to figure out a long term strategy. whether it is changing your budget to allow for some more outsourcing if DH can’t handle more. Figuring out what DH can handle, etc.
Shiny says
Following with interest, and to say you’re not alone on this situation. I actually feel a lot of shame about the circumstances and am just starting to work through that. I am also thinking couples counseling would help.
Anonymous says
Get a divorce
Anonymous says
Not helpful. There is a lot of nuance in these cases.
Anonymous says
And sometimes you need to hear that it’s ok not to sacrifice your life to parenting an adult.
Anon says
But that’s not what was said. At all.
Any 3 word reply to OP’s heartfelt request for advice is going to come across as dismissive and is unnecessary to this discussion.
OP says
Yeah, not helpful. Would you encourage a husband to leave a wife struggling with PPD?
Anonymous says
PPD ends
Anon says
I’m not the Anon who made this comment but I don’t think PPD is a great analogy because it’s inherently a time-limited thing and there is the expectation of full recovery once you get out of the postpartum period. I do think feeling like you’re parenting your spouse with no end in sight is a situation in which many people, male or female, would consider divorce if the situation couldn’t be improved with therapy and meds.
Anon says
This strikes me as an odd view on marriage and family.
But it honestly sounds to me like the situation is partly being created by meds at this point; I would want a medication regimen that didn’t knock me out if at all possible! This also seems unusual for a depression/anxiety diagnosis and medication regimen. (Is he on anti-psychotics? Did they have him trade alcohol for heavily dosed benzos?) I have had some bad experiences with psychiatry that may make me biased, but I wonder if his psychiatrist even knows how much he needs to nap and how he’s feeling on this treatment plan.
Anon Lawyer says
I would not say “just get a divorce” ever and I’m pro therapy. But I do think it has to be on the table for you. It’s not just that you have a partner that can’t contribute
as much due to a chronic illness. You’re saying you’re walking on eggshells and that a comment from your 7-year-old can have him spiraling for hours. Is this totally hidden from your kids? I’m guessing not meaning they’re probably walking on eggshells to some extent too which isn’t fair to them as a way to grow up. And it’s not fair to you either. There’s a lot of issues here but at the end of the day it’s not just work for the household – you all need and deserve to feel comfortable in your home.
Anon says
There’s no way this is hidden from the kids. I had some mild anxiety issues that resulted in me spending more daytime hours asleep/resting than normal last year, and my then 3 year old noticed and commented on it. These kids are older and his issues are way more serious, there’s no way they don’t know.
Anonymous says
Oh, man. I have been there and it is so rough. I hear you on having to parent him and on having to walk on eggshells. The situation is probably even harder on you now than it would have been in the past because you are all stuck at home and there is no way for you to get a break. Some things that have helped me immensely are sleeping in separate rooms (his snoring is the excuse), running errands alone without the kids, and organized activities outside the house that the rest of the family is not involved in. If you need to hire extra child care or a cleaning service to make space for this, do it.
Has this situation been going on for the entire three years he’s been sober, or is it a more recent development? Has he recently had a medication change? Is he on the correct meds? Some medications can have side effects that just aren’t worth it, and the same meds will not be effective for everyone. You really have to push the doctors to adjust meds and dosages to get the desired therapeutic effect with minimal side effects. The doctors are usually satisfied if the patient stays out of the hospital, and they don’t care much about daily functioning or quality of life for the patient, much less the impact on the family. It can take a lot of trial and error to get the meds right. Therapy can also be an issue. Does he have a good therapist who is using CBT or another modality designed to reframe his thinking and get him moving forward? A bad therapist can make things worse by giving him space to ruminate, encouraging him to assign blame, or even feeding obsessions. Will he let you speak with his psychiatrist and therapist to get a sense of the long-term plan and goals?
I am sure many people here will tell you just to leave. When a spouse is mentally ill, it’s not that simple. You have to weigh the harm to yourself and the kids from staying against the risks of sharing custody and parenting time. Do you have your own therapist to help you process the weight of this burden?
Anon says
You are doing a lot, and dealing with a lot, and you matter too. You need a break and you need more help.
1) Schedule a total break for yourself. Over Spring break, find a grandparent or a babysitter or someone who can take full responsibility for the kids, and leave the house for a solo vacation. Go to a city you want to visit and stroll around, thinking only of yourself. You need this mental break, and it’s non-negotiable for your kids to see you take care of your own needs.
2) If your husband isn’t seeing a therapist, he needs to go back asap. If he is, they need to adjust his plan. His meds aren’t working for his situation. Frequent mid-day naps and multi-hour spirals from a single comment from a child are not final state. You twisting yourself into knots to protect his pride and ego is not final state. You deserve to hear him say this isn’t final state, and to hear his plan to work to an acceptable final state.
3) I’m probably projecting, but consider getting your kids in therapy. If you’re walking on eggshells for him, and he’s spiraling at simple comments, they’re likely developing some unhealthy habits as well. They may be internalizing their own feelings to spare him and to not pile more on you. Help them learn to support and empathize while also advocating for their own needs. Give them an outlet to work through their complicated feelings and needs.
I am very sympathetic to mental health issues (they exist in my family as well), but not supporting someone else’s at the total expense of your own well-being. It’s okay to say that this arrangement isn’t working for you, and ask him to partner with you (and his therapist) to make it more sustainable. If that makes him spiral, he needs to schedule a meeting with his therapist to work through it and get to a place where he can handle a conversation with you, his equal partner, that isn’t all rainbows.
Anonymous says
I agree with #2 except that it’s important to understand that therapists don’t prescribe meds. There will be an MD or an NP doing that separately, and that person likely doesn’t communicate with the therapist. He probably sees the prescriber for 5 minutes every few months, is asked a series of cursory questions, and lies about or minimizes side effects.
Anon says
Thanks for that clarification. I should have said therapist/doctor team. He should be working with all of his medical and mental support team to work to an acceptable final state.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I just want to add to the chorus about counseling. There were times I felt like you regarding walking on eggshells, sucking it up, etc. (and my DH didn’t have the challenge of diagnosed MH/SUD that your partner has…) and it ended up building a lot of resentment that manifested in ways I did not realize. I think counseling, with someone who specializes in recovery, could help maybe figure out where there is some room to re-balance. Sending lots of love.
Realist says
Meds are great and all but sounds like he is just barely coping. I agree with couples counseling but I think he needs more help and he should start exploring where that should come from and what it looks like. New doctors? Therapy? Possibly ADD/ADHD coaching or meds since you seem to describe rejection sensitive dysphoria for him? Yoga or a running group? Some sort of total reset on sleep or diet or exercise or whatever lifestyle thing needs the most work (like Whole 30 or couch to 5k or whatever)? Even acupuncture or woo woo stuff if that is what he thinks will help. You both deserve better here, and what you describe is much better than addiction but is very far from what a healthy person would be doing and of course that is going to affect your marriage and parenting and everything. And if he is just sick and isn’t going to get better than you need help and will need to try to figure out the best way outsource or whatever is going to work with your situation/resources.
So Anon says
I’m so sorry that your family is going through this. It really is a family issue. My first advice is to make sure that you are taking care of yourself, in whatever ways you can. Do what you can to get the sleep that you need. Move your body in a way that feels good to you. Eat foods that nourish you (whether that is a salad or a cookie). If you don’t already, find a therapist that will support you.
I want to validate that of course you are exhausted! You are pretty much taking care of your family on your own while trying to make sure that you don’t inadvertently make things harder for your spouse. The physical care and the mental work is exhausting. You are doing amazing. Next, please consider couple’s therapy. A neutral third party may be able to help you navigate what your partner can do and handle versus being overwhelmed. Does your partner have a therapist? If not, I would heavily push for a therapist for him.
Finally, I wish that I could give you a giant hug. Parenting while your partner has a pretty debilitating mental illness is so incredibly tough. I went through it for about 7 years. My now ex husband struggles/d with major depressive disorder and was eventually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It was so so hard for all of us. I would never say “just leave!” but I will say that your partner should be doing all that he can to get better and contribute to the family to the max of his capacity (as it is right now). If he is not doing everything he can, if he is not willing to try couple’s therapy, if he blames you for his situation, then I would gently say that your life can be better on the other side.
Boston Legal Eagle says
“I will say that your partner should be doing all that he can to get better and contribute to the family to the max of his capacity (as it is right now).” – yes, this. Mental illness is not something to leave a partner over in and of itself, but the person suffering should be seeking some sort of treatment to be able to function in life. Spiraling after a kid’s comment is going to be really hard as the kids grow up, and may damage the kids’ own wellbeing. We could all use therapy to help with parenting challenges, and especially those with mental illness.
Anonymous says
Can you afford to outsource more? You need help. If you can carve out some time, i would also recommend looking into NAMI support groups (or maybe Al Anon) so you can vent and maybe get some practical tips in a safe environment. And you might see if he is open to you joining him at his next session with his psychiatrist or whomever is prescribing his meds to talk about the impact of the side effects (and lingering symptoms perhaps) and see in any tweaks can be made.
R says
Are you in Al Anon? I’d recommend it. It sounds like this isn’t sustainable for you and you need support to figure out how to make it sustainable for you.
Anonanonanon says
100%. I went as a teen because my father is an alcoholic (currently sober, but some of the behavior lingers). For me, the most helpful thing was hearing how normal my feelings/anger were. Helped me let go of the guilt I had for those feelings. Understanding they were normal made it easier to live with them or let go of them and move forward.
Anon says
Have you told him that you need a break? Maybe you could, say, take Tuesday nights off and take your own nap while he manages everything. Hiding it may not be doing anyone any favors.
Anonymous says
I am going to push back a little on the suggestion for couples counseling. In situations where the partners are not coming in on equal footing with a shared, good-faith goal, there is a real danger of the therapist’s taking sides or being used by one spouse against the other. In OP’s shoes, I would be worried that my own exhaustion would make me less able to detect and push back against any BS, blaming, or suggestions that I just continue to suck it up and sacrifice. I would strongly encourage OP to establish her own, separate relationship with a good therapist who has no involvement with her husband before embarking on couples therapy.
Anon says
Also right here with you. I have no great solutions and I think it’s so dependent on every person/couple.
Overall, what works best long term in our relationship is that I (try not to) parent my husband. I’m responsible for myself and will take over 100% responsibility for the kids when needed, but I’m not responsible for him. This is so much easier said than done but it’s the only we know how to live life with each other.
Glennon Doyle’s sister has a quote that’s been meaningful to me: “No one has ever loved, prayed, suffered, or strategized anyone into recovery. What I did was I loved her and I lived my life with some healthy boundaries so that when she was ready for recovery, our relationship was not irretrievably scarred from the pain of the drinking days.”
Anonymous says
From an outsider’s perspective, this sounds like he is not actually managing. Yes, he’s sober, and obviously that’s critical. But a boatload of meds that knock him out for hours each day and render him not only unable to co-parent but also unable to live with a 7 year old’s offhanded comments without spiraling sound like issues that still need to be addressed. Is that happening in parallel? I think of situations like this like a major physical accident. If he were hit by a car 3 years ago and is continuing to recover physically, for example. It’s a long road, but as long as there is progress i think you can consider staying on it.
Not my spouse, but I have a sibling with Very Significant Mental Health Issues. She’s ~5 years sober now, on a similar boatload of meds, and can function in her job and can care for herself and her dog, but we do not allow our (school age) children with her unsupervised. She takes midday naps and sleeps from 2am-10am.
I’m putting this out there because I think at some point you need to understand what you need from a partner and make some hard decisions. Al Anon is a good suggestion if you aren’t already doing that. If you think about the next 5 years and they look like the past 3- how does that feel? Are you seeing continued improvement (slow is fine!) with DH? Do you have your own therapist?
Tactically, are there any parental duties he can own that work within his capabilities? Can he do online shopping, food/meal planning (and online ordering?), that sort of thing? It’s not much, but it’s helpful.
Huge hugs and support. Having gone through all kinds of stuff with my sibling, I’m not sure I would stay if I had your DH. And frankly, I’m not sure he would stay for me (or that I would want him to). But it all depends on how he’s progressing over time.
Anonymous says
Agree–it sounds like his treatment plan is not working for him. Does he want to improve his quality of life? If so, would he be willing to let you accompany him to visit his doctor and therapist? Very often, the goals for treatment will be set far too low. The default assumption with addiction and serious mental illness is often that keeping someone out of jail and out of the hospital is enough or even the best that can be done. A spouse can have more power than the patient himself to advocate for much more appropriate goals for daily functioning and medication adjustments to support those goals.
anon for this says
I can relate. My husband has 3 fairly serious autoimmune disorders, with the most recent diagnosis just this last week. Right now while he’s getting them under control I am doing 99% of the parenting because he’s too ill to really contribute. He’s also extremely cranky and rude, which is understandable, but I have that eggshells situation you mention.
If you can, I would engage paid help or family help to take some of the burden off drop off/pickup/mealtime/etc. Have a therapist for yourself. Vent to close friends. It’s not fair, and sometimes your spouse can’t put into words how grateful they are for what you do, and it leaves you feeling drained and undervalued.
I try to think about all the new medications and therapies being constantly developed. It may not always be this way. Chronic illness, particularly any illness with a stigma, is psychologically damaging in a way an acute illness like cancer is not – because you don’t get people rallying around you, bringing a hot meal, covering for you at work. It’s very lonely. Hugs to you.
Anonanonanon says
I’m sorry, I don’t have great advice because this was a huge part of the end of my first marriage (though he refused to seek help or get medication, so a different fact pattern for sure). I did just want to share that I understand what it feels like to feel that you have the energy to pull yourself and kids out of the dark hole of a partner’s depression, but not pull them out as well.
Will he let you all get out of the house without him? I found it easier when I could take our son out and do something or go somewhere. Something about only being responsible for the two of us without the emotional or mental burden of worrying about him being in the immediate vicinity was helpful. However, he got offended if we did that, so yours might do the same.
What can you outsource? Can you afford a sitter to pick up your kids from daycare a couple of times a week? Can you cut yourself some slack on meals for the kids (organic chicken nuggets and mac and cheese exist if you’re worried about that!)?
Mentally, would it help to think of it the same way you would if he had Lupus or some other chronic illness that he can’t help?
Al-anon in the family says
Going anonymous for this for privacy reasons.
My daughter struggled with depression in HS and college, became an alcoholic in college, went to nursing school and became a nurse at a prestigious hospital. She crashed and burned and went to rehab after a doctor switch took her off her medications. Eight years sober now, thankfully, age 34. She works as a nurse manager in a demanding hospital 36-48 hours a week, works out daily, takes care of her dogs and volunteers weekly at homeless shelter. She sometimes sleeps for 12-14 hours after a few 12-hour shifts in a row, so yes she does hit the wall occasionally. She’s on a boat-load of meds – Wellbutrin plus Celera, trazadone plus something else for sleep like Ambien (she drank to overcome insomnia).
My point on all of this is that if he is that non-functional on his meds, something is wrong. Not that he needs to pull himself up by his bootstraps, but my daughter has said she tells her psychiatrist that the meds are only sufficient enough to keep her from being suicidal and he’s always said that that is a success. I agree that couples counseling may be needed because he is not helping his family, he’s a burden. Does he want to continue to be a burden? He needs sympathy but he also needs a structural change.
It’s not easy to get meds right and he may need constant interaction with his psychiatrist, PMHNP, psychologist, GP and/or therapist to get things right. If you go to a counselor, I’d make it a goal of the sessions to get him the medical help that he needs and get him to understand that things could be better.
Al-anon teaches that those in recovery should be supported but not enabled. You may be enabling him, allowing him to not do much. Al-anon support for family meetings might help you.
As far as day-to-day tips, throwing money at anything you can is good. Meal prep, grocery delivery, pickup dry-cleaning services, housekeeper, afternoon nanny/college kid (to pick up kids from school, start homework, unload dishwasher), automate bill paying, hire yard service. If you can’t afford those, then maybe downsizing your lifestyle would be a good tradeoff: I don’t see this as a sustainable life for you and you’re modeling bad behaviors (maid/cleaning lady/servant) to your children – bad for both girls and boys. Teaching kids to walk on eggshells around their dad impedes development of a healthy parent-child relationship.
Use your FMLA and take more time off.
Good luck!
Anonymous says
Outsource, outsource, outsource. Your husband has his own law practice? Guess what, he needs to hire a PERSONAL assistant who will manage the home. Shopping, day-to-day meal planning, hiring/waiting for outside help (like cleaning person and laundry service), bill paying, subscriptions, impersonal gifts, husband’s therapy appointments all are now the purview and bailiwick of your newest paid family member.
I worked as an assistant at a law office and we were utterly abused by our boss who had us do everything from make the kids pediatric appointments, wait to move the car so she could keep a good parking spot on street cleaning days, write checks to the housekeeper (from personal account), read and summarize books recommended by clients, pick up her lunch/dry cleaning, take kids to gymnastics, take pictures to framing place, etc. (This would have been fine if she had hired a single personal assistant and two legal assistants, instead she had three of us doing all kinds of things, but I did learn double entry bookkeeping.)
OUTSOURCE
BeenThatGuy says
Recovering addicts need to be held accountable. As do those who suffer from mental health issues. Your husband doesn’t get a free pass from the daily life things that are required from him while being part of a family unit. Your 7 year old should not have to sensor what they are saying because it might set their father off. That’s a horrible way to grow up. This is why you need Al-Anon! You need a support system. You need to be around people who can help you understand.
I say this all my love in my heart for your situation. My father was an alcoholic and my partner is 6 years sober so I am all top familiar with this life. You’ve gotten a lot of other great advice (minus the divorce comments). Good luck!
AIMS says
Travel question. We are finally ready to travel again (fingers crossed) with our 4 and just turned 6 year olds. I can bring our “spare” (i.e., live in my mom’s car) car seats which are about 12 lbs. apiece (we got the ones everyone recommends here for travel) or I can rent car seats from our car rental. Is renting the car seats a bad idea? The car seats we have are still huge and bulky and I really would love NOT to have to bring them. Would love to know your experiences.
Anon says
You can check them if you don’t need them on the plane, which you don’t at those ages. Some risk of damage but the seats are like $50 so it’s a risk I’m willing to accept. It makes life a lot easier not having to haul car seats through the airport.
TheElms says
There is no way to guarantee that the rental place will have appropriate car seats for your kids and that’s before you get to the issue of whether they have been handled in a manner that makes them safe. I would not rent car seats. The 6 year old could potentially safely use a bottom only booster (so that’s not too bulky). The 4 year old should still be harnessed, so if you really don’t want to bring a car seat, what about a Ride Safer Travel Vest? (They are pretty expensive though).
NYCer says
We have rented car seats occasionally in the past, and it has been fine. Yes, there are risks associated with it as I am sure others will point out, but we were okay with it.
anon says
I wouldn’t plan to rent a carseat for your 4yo unless you’re okay with them only being in a booster. If that’s not a concern, then it’s probably fine.
Anon says
My kids run on the smaller end of the chart, but by around age 5 even they were able to use the MiFold when we travel. It starts at 40 pounds and is essentially a bottom booster with a seatbelt positioner. I wouldn’t use it as their every day seat, but for cabs and non-road trip vacations, it works just fine. The benefit is how small they fold up, and how lightweight they are. I can fit two in an adult backpack with my change of clothes, and they carry their own backpacks with toys and clothes, and we are just about set for a weekend getaway.
Anonymous says
You can’t have had kids on the smaller end of the charts then… My 25%ile kid won’t hit 40 lbs until 6.
Anonymous says
Yup. Mine started K at 32 lbs.
Anon says
OMG my kid was 40 pounds before her 3rd birthday. But I never would have dreamed of putting her in a booster seat then. She was still rear-facing.
Anon says
Are you talking CDC? I just looked up her chart. At 5 years, she was 36 pounds and 18% percentile for weight. At just past 6 years she was 40 pounds and 21%. She’s always been in the 15-20 percentile which is the smaller end of the chart. But regardless, I considered 38 pounds close enough to use a 40-lb car seat for a cab ride from hotels to airport and back. Ymmv.
Anon says
I don’t rent from the car rental company because we tried it once and had a terrible experience. They gave us an infant bucket seat for our tall 3 year old and when we said hey, this isn’t going to work, they shrugged and told us we were on our own. We ended up having to send DH out to Walmart to buy a car seat, while kiddo and I sat at the airport for an extra hour. Not a fun way to start a vacation. I also don’t really trust them that they always replace seats that are in accidents, etc. like you’re supposed to.
We have the Cosco seats which I don’t think are 12 pounds – they feel more like 5 lbs to me? We usually gate check just to minimize the risk of the seats getting lost or damaged in transit, but when I’ve flown alone with my kid I’ve checked the carseat curbside or at the check-in counter because it’s hard for me to carry it through the airport when I’m traveling solo. It’s been fine. The risk of luggage getting totally lost is pretty small, especially on a non-stop flight.
Anon says
My 6 yo no longer fits in the Cosco Scenera carseat that we bought for travel, so we now travel with a backless booster. It’s much more portable than a carseat. On trips where we won’t be driving much at all, we’ll even just bring a BubbleBum for her.
I’d gatecheck the 4 yo’s carseat.
Anon says
I’m the twin mom below with all the logistic questions, and if you would prefer to rent a car seat with more certainty than a car rental place can offer, check if baby quip rents at your destination. I found someone who is going to meet us at our destination with pack and plays and a specific make/model of car seat. The cost is a little higher than the car rental fee, but it’s worth it for peace of mind.
NYCer says
We have done this too (also worked out fine).
AIMS says
Thanks all! Very helpful to know (and i will look into the baby quip). My 6 year old is small and weighs less than 4 year old so I think she’s too young for a booster. The rental car place has $1/day rental option so I was tempted but probably too good to be true. Appreciate all the perspectives.
REAtty says
I have this caddy and I like it! It’s “chic” in a way I never thought a shower caddy could be in my shower (and I’m already embarrassed that I called my caddy chic, but I feel this strongly about the caddy that I’m going to post this anyway).
AIMS says
I actually need a caddy so appreciate the pick and the second endoresment!
Anonymous says
I have a different aluminum caddy and heartily endorse aluminum. I’ve had it for two years and it still looks like new once I scrub off the soap scum.
anon says
Might I suggest that perhaps you should loosen your protocols? It sounds like her family made it through unscathed despite their socializing. You gave up book club and choir for…what, exactly?
There is so much hand wringing on this board about people who skirted Covid restrictions while everyone here did them perfectly. Yes, many of the skirters got covid but so did many of the uber-restricted. I would rather live a normal life and get Covid than live a miserable life and get Covid anyway
anon says
Because a lot of us aren’t worried about what happens when WE get sick, but how it’s going to affect others in our lives. That’s why we’re locked down and not living our best lives.
Anon says
I thought that the most recent studies showed that locking down doesn’t do much to prevent transmission/death?
Anonymous says
Oh yes. economists are who I turn to when I want to understand an epidemic. And I read the latest economic news written by epidemiologists too!
Grow up.
anon says
Ah nesting fail- meant this in response to the Instamom poster
Anon says
it sounds like this bookclub was last year before vaccines were available. also, no one is saying not to ever do a book club, but why can’t people be respectful of different people’s comfort levels and do things in a way to include the largest number of people? maybe OP has a particular health reason (or not) for not wanting to do indoor activities pre-vaccine. people shouldn’t have to disclose their particular circumstances every single time. there is no such thing as doing covid perfectly, but respecting people’s differences and trying to find a way to include them when possible, especially when kids are involved. it’s like if the book club was going to be on Wednesdays, and 5/6 kids are available then, but 6/6 are available on Thursday – why not do it on Thursday?
Anon says
+1 a lot of us successfully avoided catching Covid pre-vaccine and feel like it was worth it.
Anonymous says
+2. You don’t even need “a particular health reason” for not wanting unvaccinated kids to gather indoors. They weren’t vaccinated!
Anon says
i’m the Anon at 11:28 and at least to me, in some degree this has almost nothing to do with covid, but just to do with how i like to treat others/want to be treated. why not be as inclusive as possible?
Anonymous says
This is what kills me about the mask wars. Instead of agreeing as a society that we will love our neighbor by wearing masks, we’ve decided that people’s desire not to wear masks is more important that keeping others safe and comfortable. Even our church refuses to mandate masks under the guise of being “inclusive” and “welcoming.” WTF? The inclusive and welcoming thing to do is to put on your darn mask.
Back before COVID, one of my colleagues had a bone marrow transplant and was seriously immunocompromised. He very much wanted to work in the office, so the rest of us stopped shaking hands, gave him extra physical distance, washed and sanitized our hands frequently, and made an extra effort to stay home when we were sick. Inclusion.
Spirograph says
Very well said, 11:28 and 12:28. After a booster and a breakthrough case, I feel OK being indoors without a mask, even among strangers. But I’m also happy to wear a mask and/or stay outdoors if that’s the price of admission to be around people. I don’t have to like or even understand their reasons, it’s just (to me) good manners to put forth the tiny bit of effort & deal with negligible discomfort to put others at ease so they can be included.
Anon says
People who refuse to wear masks are the reason we got this far into a pandemic. We can actually live normal lives with masks. People who refuse masks WANT the virus to spread and that is NOT normal. It is psychotic.
AIMS says
Eh. I wear a mask with no issues and certainly don’t mind putting one on to make someone comfortable but this is kind of hysterical. We can’t live normal lives with masks all the time. Sorry, it isn’t normal. I wore a mask nonstop the last few weeks in NYC since the surge started but I have no intention of continuing this way indefinitely as the numbers drop down. There is a legitimate debate to have about masks and about kids and masks generally. Lots of countries in Europe had very different mask rules, including for little kids who weren’t required to wear masks at all, and their numbers are not statistically worse (and often better) than ours. This is a nuanced conversation and I have to say that some of the staunch pro mask position is no more scientific than the anti mask position.
Anonymous says
But you are wearing a mask now during the surge. Of course we can’t demand that everyone wear masks forever, but now is not the time to quit masking. The instamom post was about excluding a child from a group because the parents weren’t comfortable with indoor gatherings before vaccines were available, and about sending a child to choir practice without a mask under current conditions.
The extreme polarization on masks is partly the CDC’s fault. There should have been clear guidelines issued in January of 2021 for when masks were and weren’t necessary and in what situations based on clear metrics. In the absence of logical rules that adapt to the circumstances, people who might otherwise be willing to mask when necessary and be around unmasked people when spread is low are going to feel driven into one extreme camp or the other.
sad parent says
My kindergartner got a negative mark on her report card for cooperates and collaborates well with others. I followed up with the teacher about it and she said that my daughter has a tendency to be bossy with other students. Sometimes her words are okay but her tone is mean or bossy and sometimes her words are bossy. There have been a few times when other kids’ feelings have been hurt when my daughter tried to play or help them. I’m feel pretty upset about this. My daughter is very strong willed, opinionated, and relentlessly persistent when she doesn’t get what she wants. Sometimes those qualities are great but other times they can be overwhelming. She’s also very sweet and smart and social.
Any tips for working on this at home? I feel like its really my fault. I definitely can yell or use a harsh tone when I’m frustrated or upset so I know that’s not modeling good behavior. I grew up in a family of yellers and I know how awful it is. I’m really trying to work on it but it definitely still happens sometimes.
Also can I vent for a second that I thought we weren’t using bossy to describe little girls anymore? And this teacher has never said one nice thing about my daughter. I’m feeling like my daughter must be some monster at school that no one likes. I know this is not a big deal in the long run of parenting and I’m sure I will face much worse as my daughter gets older but it still hurts now.
Anonymous says
playdates are the answer. Is she your oldest or only? If so, cut her (and you) some slack. She’s basically lived in a pandemic where she has had limited normal interaction with other kids.
I have a young kindergartener this year, but I also have an older one. I’ve spoken with the K teacher and she said the entire class is essentially “remedial” on social skills and has doubled down on focusing there for the year. In my kid’s case, she’s stand-off-ish and doesn’t really know how to properly interact with kids her own age. She has an older and younger sibling and she’s used to playing with them on their terms. We’ve done a bunch of playdates as covid restrictions ease and it’s helped a LOT.
Anon says
+1. My 1st and 3rd graders are struggling with this too. Many of their friends at school only interacted with parents or siblings or cousins for an entire year, sometimes stress/jobs/life meaning adults couldn’t be home at all to supervise, so they’re all learning how to behave with each other again. Playdates are slowly helping, but even then it is tough. No advice, but know your kid is far from the only one struggling, and her teacher is not the only one burnt out by a class full of kids who have more needs than ever.
On yelling. I come from a family of yellers as well, and I’ve regressed quite a bit over the last two years. I’m trying to use it as a model for my kids. I apologize after, I explain what I’m doing to get better, I state out loud that I’m getting frustrated and will go take deep breaths so I don’t yell, etc. And in calm times I talk about how I’m practicing even though I’m not good at it, so that eventually I can be the kind of person I want to be. Hopefully one day they’ll look back and see a template for dealing with whatever they struggle with in parenting or life.
Anonymous says
Yes. My spouse is a teacher and definitely the K and 1 classes are operating at a different social emotional level AS A CLASS than the teachers would normally expect.
Anonymous says
Even my friends who teach middle and high school say the same thing.
Anonymous says
Spouse is actually a middle school teacher at a k-12 and yes, the groups that were wrote during important transition periods are doing the worst (K, 1, 6th, 7th)
Anon says
Current K-ers weren’t remote during the transition period, right? I would think that applies more to first graders who might have started K remotely last year.
Anonymous says
Many current K-ers were not in preschool or outside of a home setting over the last two years.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t worry too much. If it were a real problem in the classroom, you’d have been called in for a parent-teacher conference. Not every teacher is going to click with every kid.
I don’t think “bossy” is gendered. I don’t like pushy, bossy behavior from little boys either.
Anon says
I feel like there are male equivalents of “bossy,” like “domineering.”
Aunt Jamesina says
…or “exhibits good leadership skills” :-/
Anon says
Yeah. This.
Anonymous says
+1 – I also feel that young elementary teachers tend to try to create room for growth in report cards, so you’ll get more lower scores at the beginning of the year and then higher at the end of the year no matter what.
Anonymous says
I have observed this too.
Anonymous says
My daughter’s second-grade teacher made some very individual-sounding comments about goals for growth on her first report card of the year. By the last report card she had achieved those goals. I thought the teacher was doing a great job of recognizing individual strengths and untapped potential. Then I started talking to other parents and learned that this teacher tended to set the same goals for lots and lots of girls.
AwayEmily says
Our kindergarten teacher explicitly told us this at our first parent-teacher meeting.
Anon says
I’ve observed this in daycare too. They always write down some “weakness” even if it’s something that’s totally normal and developmentally appropriate (and they always change from conference to conference). At my 3.5 year old’s most recent parent teacher conference they said she needs to work on correct capitalization when writing her name. I know plenty of 3 year olds can’t write their name at all, and this is the first we’ve heard about any problems with letters or fine motor skills. Last time it was gross motor stuff and the conference before that it was emotional regulation stuff. I’d be more concerned if there was a consistent “weakness” year after year.
Anonymous says
Aaaaaaaahahahaha my 3.5 year old cannot write any letters and my generally advanced 6 year old’s entire class is working on capitalization rules. I would have burst out laughing in front of the teacher.
Anonymous says
I thought it was hilarious when the preschool teachers would tell us all about the expectations for skills they were not even working on in class.
Anonanonanon says
I was going to say almost the exact same thing you said in the first paragraph.
This will continue throughout elementary school. Sometimes, the teacher and kid just aren’t a fit for each other. My son is chatty. Some teachers love him and gush over him, but 2 in elementary school reeeaaally didn’t like him and it was a tough year. He got his card changed almost every day. When I asked her if he was one of the worst kids in her class, she said absolutely not, but I pointed out that he obviously receives a different message if his card is changed almost every day.
Not everything can be addressed at home. My son isn’t allowed to interrupt adults at home, but classrooms are different. Not all “home training” translates to classroom dynamics.
I’m not one to go to the school, but I finally met with the counselor to discuss my concerns and he got better teacher matches the rest of elementary school, so keep that in mind for elementary!
Anon says
I don’t like pushy, bossy behaviors from boys either, but I feel like many teachers are more tolerant of bossy little boys than bossy little girls. There can be sexism at play here without the term being inherently sexist.
Anonymous says
I’ve never actually heard a boy being called bossy IRL.
NYCer says
I have definitely heard little boys referred to as bossy.
Anonymous says
Hmm. I definitely use the word “bossy” to describe boys’ behavior. Bossy is bossy, regardless of gender. I don’t think refusing to acknowledge bossy behavior in girls is the answer. The answer is calling out the same behavior in boys.
SC says
I’ve called my son “bossy,” though not in front of him. He is bossy!
Anon says
1. I don’t think bossy is that gendered anymore. Other children are often put-off by bossy little boys as well.
2. If you use that toon at home she will mimic. There’s no getting around it. Kids have different personalities and traits and that’s OK. Maybe chat with her about how it makes the other kids feel and work to role-play “non bossy” scripts at home. There are Daniel Tiger shorts about speaking nicely to friends while playing and how to handle things when you don’t get your way. Check them out.
Anonymous says
I whole heartedly agree that we shouldn’t use the term bossy to describe our daughters. We are fortunate that our
daughter’s teacher mentioned similar concerns about my kindergartner, but presented it in a better light. The teacher mentioned things she does do well (like include excluded kids, probably because she can boss them around!), as well as thing she does not do well (let others go first). She then presented us with concrete things they are working on in school for us to work on at home. Mostly – letting others go first, asking how others want to do something, and letting her know when her tone is inappropriate and giving her a “do over” to restate something using her nice words. I think we lucked out with our teacher, and your teacher sounds like she could use some communications skills.
Our kids’ teacher also said something similar to your point – the same things that can make her considered “bossy” can be channeled into a good traits. So she was very clear in emphasizing that her comments were not meant to be “this kid is bad” but rather “this kid can learn to work on these skills.”
I would have been very frustrated our teacher communicated to us in the way your teacher communicated to you. In fact, unless there is an actual safety concern I would hope most teachers would think of communicating our kids’ challenges in a way that doesn’t make it sound like our kids are a monster.
Anon says
I cosign all this. I think it’s normal as a parent to react badly to feedback presented this way. It could have been presented in a much better, more empathetic way with the recognition that certain behaviors need work, rather than that her personality needs to change. I’d be pretty upset about the bossy label too. I think it sounds pretty sexist the way your teacher used it. The framing Anon at 1:17 described is much more gender neutral with the recognition that this personality trait has good aspects, but may need some practice at behaving differently in certain situations.
Anonymous says
Cosign all of this. I thought I’d commented earlier, but it may have gotten eaten? My daughter is the same, but her teacher described it more along the lines of “friendly and helpful” “enthusiastic” “leader” while also noting that she needs to work on being sensitive to others feelings and work on communicating in a positive way.
I was a “bossy” little girl, and now I’m a boss. But it’s still not a nice thing to say, especially because how it’s historically been applied very unevenly to girls and boys exhibiting the same traits.
Anonymous says
In the kindest way, I would also suggest not directing feelings about your child’s report card on your parenting or personal failures in your part. I struggle a bit with this. Kids this age are learning how to be students, learning how to interact with others, etc. and lots of it is your own child’s development and not dependent in anything but their own trajectory. Teacher’s goal is to meet them
Where they are and help them grow. I am married to a teacher and received my child’s report card by email between reading your comment and writing this – notes some of those feelings in myself, just as I have felt like a personal failure when my kid has had behavior issues at school. My husband is really good about suggesting I take a step back from those feelings.
ElisaR says
this is a good comment!
Anon says
Anther travel question. We are flying this summer with twin 2.5 year olds. I’m trying to figure out the best option for car seats. The twins have their own seats on the plane, so I’d like to have car seats with us to confine them. Has anyone hauled the Cosco Sceneras on one of those car seat wheelers you can buy on Amazon, and actually had success? We had tried something similar when our older kids were little, and it really didn’t work as a “stroller” in the airport. I can’t imagine having to navigate two carseat rollers, based on what we tried like 10 years ago (my twins are runners but will sit well in a stroller or car seat, so we need a stroller option in the airport and car seat on the plane). Given “circumstances,” we have to fly with a bunch of other stuff, so I’m trying to minimize what we actually have to haul with us on the plane.
Is there another option I’m not thinking of? We could rent carseats with our rental car and use an umbrella stroller in the airport, but I don’t think the twins will stay in an airplane seat without a car seat. We borrowed Doonas when we had to fly to my grandmother’s funeral, and those were the perfect solution, but they are now too tall by like an inch to use the Doonas.
Anon says
Cosco sceneras apparently attach very well to just about any stroller. I’m not sure how you would do this with a double stroller or if you’d want to take a double stroller with you but if you google “Cosco scenera stroller hack” you will get some results (in particular, I found the page from taxibaby useful).
Pogo says
Yes, the Scenera is so lightweight, I think we just rested it on the handlebar of the stroller, or even strapped it to DH’s backpack.
Anon says
i also have twins and here is how we travel. we do not put them in car seats on the plane, but do gate check our car seats and DH wheels them through the airport in bags with wheels attached while carrying a backpack. we stuff extra stuff in the car seat bags if needed. I push twins in our Zoe stroller with a backpack on my back and a very very very large tote on my shoulder. idk what the “circumstances” are, but can other kids help carry stuff?
Anon says
Ha – that is the “circumstances,” big kids and my spouse and I will all have our hands full with items we cannot check. Typically, there would be lots of extra hands to help the twins and to manage the car seat/stroller/car seat bag dance, but not this particular trip. I might see if I can borrow the Doonas again for this trip, and just rent car seats at the rental place. The twins can ride the Doonas in the airport and plane, and then get in larger rear facing seats at the rental car. If the rental seats are totally un-safe, I can always buy Coscos at our destination (which I will eventually would get for the twins anyway).
Need a gut check too – a friend has also generously offered us use of two foldable Way-B car seats – but it would require the twins to sit face forward. The twins are small – I just need to hear that it’s not safe to let them face forward yet.
Anon says
Forget my gut check above. Definitely not letting them forward face at this age. Feeling old, but so much changes over time. When my oldest was a baby, one was the magic age to flip your child around. I rear faced until he was 2, and that was considered wildly conservative at the time. Grateful for all the improvements in safety over the years.
NYCer says
I feel like I am the resident “free wheeler” on this board (though, definitely not in real life), but I would let my 2.5yo sit forward facing on this trip and just use the Way-B car seats offered by your friend.
If you decide you don’t want to do that… I definitely would not add two car seats to the carry-on mix if you have lots of other things to carry on. At least check them at the check-in desk (before security) as another poster suggested.
Either way, I would bring a stroller for this kids at the airport.
NYCer says
One more thing to add… You mentioned Doonas. I would really question whether your 2.5 year olds are going to be comfortable in an infant bucket seat type car seat on the airplane. Mine would HATE that. YMMV.
Anon says
good call on all of the above. I will double check they are still able to handle the doonas without going crazy.
All of the carry on stuff is ski stuff…we are taking a shoulder season ski trip with another family (not technically this summer, but early spring, I guess), and I’ve never in my life flown to go skiing. We are trying to minimize what we check, but I guess I didn’t realize how much stuff that meant we’d be hauling.
Anon says
I would also be fine letting 2.5 year olds forward face while traveling and I think I’m cautious about carseat safety, at least compared to the people I know IRL (we flipped my DD shortly after her 3rd birthday and she was the last kid in her daycare class to switch to forward facing).
Anon says
Skis and poles aren’t allowed as carry on items – you have to check them. I would also check all your winter clothing. I think trying to take all this stuff carry on is making it way harder than necessary.
Anonymous says
We don’t like to check bags, but during the car seat/stroller years we gave in and checked a big bag so we’d have more free hands. It’s worth it. I’m assuming you’re trying to carry on stuff like helmet/boot backpacks, not actual skis, but that’s still a lot to juggle with two toddlers and two other kids.
Anon says
+1 My only child is 4, and we have just gotten to the point where we can do plane trips without checked luggage – and that’s for normal vacations, not with lots of ski gear. We did frequently get away with one large checked suitcase for all of us, but we’re a small family. I can’t imagine traveling with twin 2 year olds plus older kids and not putting everything you can in checked suitcases.
Anon says
Definitely not carrying on ski gear, but each big person will carry on a backpack that holds their helmet + ski boots + personal items (wallet, book).
Then we are checking 2 suitcases for everyone’s clothing, and everyone’s skis + poles go in one borrowed air travel bag (huge thumbs up to “buy nothing” on FB where we borrowed one for no dollars).
Twins in doonas for the trip, which double as a stroller, and rented cosco scentaras and pack and plays would be waiting at our destination.
Or I may try to navigate the double umbrella stroller with a cosco hooked on the back. But I’d have to buy another cosco if we do this option, and it’s still cheaper to rent two at the destination.
Anonymous says
No way would I want to rely on the Doona as a stroller + plane seat for a 2.5-year-old. It’s an infant bucket seat! I’d do umbrella stroller(s) + Sceneras. I would take the seats on the plane because I have had better luck getting kids that age to stay still on the plane with car seats than without. If you don’t want to use the seats on the plane, the rental service you found sounds great. I would also put all the boots and helmets in one big suitcase and check it. I would not want to be helping the older kids with their giant backpacks, juggling my own backpack, and wrangling two toddlers while boarding and disembarking the plane. The amount of hassle you are proposing to incur for the sake of avoiding one checked bag fee is disproportionate.
anon says
We’re another family that never checked bags before kids and always checked everything we didn’t need to have on the plane once we were traveling with twin infants and babies.
Also agree that FF the kids would be fine (I didn’t FF mine at home until 3 but we did it on planes starting at 2) and that they may hate the Doonas.
Anon says
I hear you on the ski backpacks, which I may reconsider, and I may need to revisit the coscos + umbrella stroller. I know I’m scarred from terrible memories from lots of solo travel with my big kids where I had to haul only one cosco and a single umbrella, and found it unwieldy and a huge PITA. I am clearly twisting myself in knots to avoid hauling two coscos + umbrella stroller. I get anxious having a bunch of random gear that isn’t easily managed when I travel. The seamlessness of the doonas strongly appeals to me because it’s fewer pieces of gear to manage. My twins are pretty small, and do really well for extended periods of time in car seats, so the structure of the doona doesn’t make me as uncomfortable.
Clearly the answer though is that I need to get out there and practice both options! Thanks for the reality check and giving me lots to think about.
Anon says
Another twin mom here who traveled a lot with 2 Scenera Nexts and twin toddlers (but no older kids). Depending on the trip, we did one of the following:
-Both carseats in a cheap gate-check bag worn on the back of one adult.
-Both carseats stacked on the Britax carseat cart. This isn’t stable enough to put a kid in, but you can toss other carry-ons in the top carseat.. We just secured them with the LATCH straps, but you could also use a bungi cord. This was what we did most of the time, with older toddlers walking and younger babies in front-carriers so we could also wear backpacks.
-Both carseats hanging from the handle of our double Zoe stroller using their top tether straps. Advantage to this is that you can put the twins in the stroller seat and have everything nicely contained; disadvantage is that is slightly more annoying to set up and if the kids get out the stroller will tip.
-Both carseats stacked on one seat of the Zoe stroller ( kind of balanced on the belly bar). The other seat is free for a kid to sit in or pile luggage.
The TLDR version of this is that I suggest having something with wheels for the carseats, but because the Sceneras nest so nicely, you can get away with one device and just stack them both in it.
Anon says
All of these are super, super helpful, and I really appreciate the tips.
Take aways for me —
— Sounds like there is not a great way to hack the Coscos with either a cart or a double umbrella stroller in a way that lets the twins both ride the stroller or in the car seats strapped to the carts, unless we carry the car seats in a bag or latch to the stroller (not a great option for us on this trip bc of other carry ons my husband and I and big kids will have). But we could hack Coscos on future trips when we won’t have to carry on other items.
— On this trip only, I could have the twins use d**nas (car seat that folds into a stroller, but that they are too tall to use as an actual car seat) for the airport and plane, and rent convertible car seats at the destination. Thankfully, trunk space won’t be an issue bc we have to rent two cars (I will think of this trip whenever people ask about big families – so many logistics, so expensive…) Leaning this way.
Anon says
i must admit i am now very curious as to what all of these additional things that cannot be checked are
Anon says
I don’t have twins but I have traveled solo a fair amount with my one kid and find it pretty doable to carry a Cosco over the shoulder while pushing the stroller – could you and DH each do that?
Anon says
wait, i saw you are trying to carry on some ski gear? put the car seats in wheely car seat bags and fill the empty space in the bags with the ski gear and put the twins in stroller. also, why can’t a big person pull these bags while carrying a backpack while twins are in stroller?
Anon says
It starts to feel like a math problem, right?!! My wily twins need to be in car seats while flying in the plane, which is the fly in the ointment here. So I’m envisioning total mayhem if we have to fold an umbrella stroller; get car seats out of bags or disconnected from a wheeled cart to install in plane; then wrestle two toddlers from an umbrella stroller into the seats. My guess is that one of them would make it to the cockpit by the time we had the stroller folded. If I could just check the coscos and trust that the twins would remain in their plane seats without needing to be restrained by a 5 pt harness, I think this would be the best option.
To the point above about minimizing “stuff” while managing kids, I’m trying to maximize our carry ons without hauling a lot of extra things. I guess on reflection, it’s also about making sure both parents can help the kids. Right now, I think it’s best managed by making every big person responsible for one backpack, and minimizing kid gear so both parents have more hands to help with whatever any of the kids need.
Anonymous says
One solution is to have one parent board early during preboarding and install both car seats. The other parent stays with the kids in the double umbrella stroller. Gate-check the umbrella stroller and have the older kids help get the toddlers down the aisle. Each parent then wrestles a toddler into a seat. When disembarking, one parent gets the kids off ASAP and puts them in the gate-checked stroller while the other parent uninstalls the car seats.
Anonymous says
Also, you know that when you gate-check a stroller you don’t have to give it up until you get to the very end of the jetway, right at the door to the plane, right?
Anon says
Pulling the twins out of the stroller at the end of the jetway and folding it up takes a couple minutes, but it’s totally do able. I’ve done this solo with two 2-year-olds. Keep everyone contained until you get down to the plane door. Unbuckle twins and tell them to wait (and assume the flight attendant at the door will snag one if she bolts). Unhook carseats from back of stroller and set on floor. Fold up stroller and put it aside to be gate-checked. Wearing backpack, pick up nested carseats, and tell toddlers to walk onto plane. Follow behind them and ask them to stop and turn in when they get to your row (there will be another flight attendant at the end of the plane to snag them if they run that way). Have them sit in 2 of the seats while you install one carseat. Buckle twin 1 in that seat. Install carseat #2 and buckle in twin #2. Sit down yourself. If there’s a spare adult or big sibling to keep a hand on each twin while you do all this it’s super easy!
When we bring a wheeled cart we usually have a second adult, so that’s all taken apart before we board and one adult carries the stack of carseat + carseat + cart while the other adult shepherds the twins down the jetway.
Anon says
Also, my source for all this is that we did 40-odd trips with my twins between the ages of 3 months and almost 3 (before the pandemic shut down all our travel) and brought on carseats every single time. You have to make some sacrifices about what else you can bring as carry-ons, but there’s no reason you can’t get 2 seats through the airport and onto the plane if that’s a priority.
Anon says
Travelling Twin Anon above – did you just hook the carseats to back of the stroller? The way you’ve laid it out seems do-able. We extensively traveled in the before times with my big kids, so they know how to conduct themselves well in airplanes and can either get themselves settled or are eminently capable of sheparding twins as well.
Anon says
Yep! Unhook the top tether from the car seat, loop it over the handle bar, and rehook it. It’s probably not great for the integrity of the tether but I didn’t stress about that. If you get both seats arranged correctly they can dangle off one side of the back of the stroller and you have room to push on the other. (Our double had a single handlebar that went all the way across, but I bet you could still do it with 2 handles.)
My strategy was the try this several times at home to figure out what worked best, so I wasn’t scrambling at the airport.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I have no advice (we’ve only traveled with one then 2 year old and that was enough of a pain) but whatever you do, I want a picture! I’m exhausted just thinking about going through an airport with twin toddlers and older kids and ski gear! You guys are superstars.
Anon says
Ha! I will send it – our attitude has always been to just take the trip, no matter how ugly/uncomfortable the travel is, but this thread helped me realize I have anxiety about having too much stuff to manage, so definitely need to spend some time thinking about how best to accomplish our trip without my anxiety making decisions for me!
So Anon says
My sweet and sensitive boy turns 11 next week. For those who haven’t followed my story – his father and I are divorced for a multitude of reasons (he was unwilling to do what he could to address his mental illnesses, blaming me for his mental illnesses, an affair, covert abuse, etc.), and they see their Dad every other weekend. I also have a very tense relationship with my own mother. The recent tension is because my grandmother (my deceased father’s mother) is being interred at Arlington National Cemetery in early April. Without checking with me, my mom booked flights for herself, me and my children and a single hotel room. The flights did not work with my work schedule, so after trying to explain this to my mother and getting a hefty dose of guilt/no body loves me/I need my family, last week, I changed the flights and booked a separate hotel room. My mom generally picks my kids up from school on Fridays, but I long ago learned not to rely on that. Last week, my mom went silent and decided to take a day trip on Friday. My mom has not spoken to me in 10 days.
Now to my dilemma/rant, my sweet boy turns 11 next week. I am throwing my son a small family party this year on his actual birthday during the week. I do this for each of my kids on their actual birthdays every single year. My ex is somehow surprised by our son’s birthday and what we have done for him every single year. My mother is not speaking to me. I have reached out to both. I am sincerely hoping that these two other people in my son’s life will get it together and show up for him. I think that my mom will show up but just not acknowledge me. My ex will be there for a few minutes. I am just so tired of being the adult and watching my kids try and understand the adults who are inconsistent in their lives.
Anon says
Hugs, So Anon. As someone who grew up in a super dysfunctional family, all I can say is that your son will appreciate you when he’s older, and he will learn from you far more than he will learn from the other so-called adults around him.
My only suggestion is to have a lot of other stable adult influences in his life. I don’t interact with most of my family, so we try to give our son a lot of time with our long-term friends, his godparents, and other people in the family who do right by him. When I was younger, I really appreciated the time I had with my grandparents, who are pretty much the only reason I am a semi-functional adult.
Anon says
This sounds really hard.
For your mother, I would consider giving your 11 yo a heads up. “Your grandmother and I had a fight last week about the trip to DC. She wanted a schedule that didn’t work with my work schedule so she’s pretty grumpy with me right now. She may choose not to come to your party because she’s mad–I’m sure you know how it feels to be that mad at someone. But you should know that her anger doesn’t have anything to do with you. It’s an adult thing. If you want to send her a note, you can ask her about making special plans for just the two of you for your birthday. I’m sure she’d like that.”
Aunt Jamesina says
I’m so sorry your mom put you through all of that, but was glad to see you held your ground about the flights and hotel. As someone with an unreliable and combative family member (my brother and only sibling) whose presence or absence at family events has caused a huge number of issues, I’ve learned to expect absolutely nothing from him. I offer an invite to select events, and let it go. I don’t anticipate him having any sort of meaningful relationship with our baby which saddens me, having grown up with so many aunts, uncles, and cousins– but I have to accept that this really is who he is, even if I have lovely memories of growing up with him. It helps for me to reframe it from “my brother’s drama is a huge loss” to “putting some distance between us is healthier for me and my family”. It’s not easy, but it’s true.
It sucks that these people aren’t there for your kid, but I promise he will soon see how much YOU were always there for him. Kids know the score. I agree with Anon at 12:19 that having other reliable adults in his life will be so good for him
Aunt Jamesina says
* my brother’s ABSENCE is a huge loss*. His drama isn’t, hah
anon says
This is really hard. You’re doing a great job. I think 11 is old enough to hear a kid-friendly version of the truth about the fight with your mom. That way, if she chooses to sit out, it’s clear that he’s not the problem. Agree with the above posters that it may be helpful to identify the consistent adults in your kids’ lives since the ex sucks and your mom is not particularly helpful. Friends, neighbors, etc.
anon says
That stinks, hang in there.
If it helps, I had one stable, reliable parent who loved me so very much and was always, always there for me. Much of the rest of my family was inconsistent/absent. I had a village that did their best (teachers that really cared, neighbors who would always chat). That was enough and I count myself lucky.
Anon says
I think the key here is to find a balance where you (1) don’t enable mother / ex-spouse by making excuses for them, but also (2) aren’t badmouthing the mother / ex-spouse in front of the kids (even though they clearly deserve it). Share factual information. “I invited them, I hope they are able to come. I know they both love you very much.” “I don’t know why Dad could only stay for 10 minutes. I can that you’re disappointed. I’m disappointed too but we’re still going to have a fun party together.”
Ugh. Being the grown-up is hard. It may not be today or next week, but your kids will eventually know how much work you put into providing a safe and stable home for them. You’re doing great.
Ifiknew says
Any tips to not sit in my 2.5year Olds room while he falls asleep at night? Both my 4.5 and 2.5 year old only want me to put then to bed or they scream bloody murder. My 4.5 year old had a shirt routine and is asleep quickly but my 2.5 year old takes from 7:15-8. Should I just auck it up or let him CIO? I’m worried him crying at bedtime (which my daughter did for years) will wake her and not let my daughter go to bed when she needs to. They don’t a share room but right next to.
Anon says
if you figure it out please share :)
So Anon says
I think this is a great time for the sleep lady shuffle. The very condensed version (I’m sure I’m missing a nuance or 5) is that you very slowly move your self out of the room over a period of time. For example, the first three nights you are where you have been (e.g. sitting right next to his pillow). The next three nights you are midway down the bed, then three nights at the foot of the bed, three nights on the floor, etc. until you gradually move out of the room. I used this for my now 8 year old when she was three and do a condensed version when we need to reset after she is sick/major thunderstorm. Now that she is older, it is one night at the foot of her bed, one night on the floor, one night in the hallway folding laundry, and then freedom.
AIMS says
We did a version of this where we explained that we would no longer be doing it and talked and talked about how we would check on them. First you check every 1 min, then go every 2, and so on till you can basically stop or check every 20 min or whatever. At this point we just go and for the most part it’s fine. The only hitch we haven’t mastered is having their door closed but if this is what it takes, I’m okay with it.
And don’t worry about the wake ups. My kids share a room and at this point nothing wakes them up once they’re asleep. My oldest had an epic meltdown the other night and I ended up raising my voice (not proud) but my little one slept thru all of it. And he used to be the kind of baby that would wake up if a bird chirped outside his window.
Anon says
Lol I am still figuring that out. My method is to discuss it with my husband who is very anti-cry it out, so he sits in the room instead of me. So Anon’s strategy seems great, though. Definitely adding that to the list.
Anonanonanon says
Daycare just sent an email re: valentine’s day that included “Homemade is better than store bought.” There are 28 kids in her class.
BRB WHILE I SCREAM
And no, obviously I’m not making 28 homemade valentines with a 3-year-old.
Cb says
No, that’s ridiculous!
Anonymous says
omfg, why not just make handmade valentines as a class activity, then? That’s actually what my K kid’s class is doing. Each child is making 6 non-specific valentines, the teachers will divvy them up among the students so all the kids get the same number.
Anonanonanon says
This was my knee-jerk reaction! My kid is with y’all all day, if you want handmade valentines, get started!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Haha what. Do they mean no store bought cards, or just that they want the kids to write their names? I guarantee you the kids do not care one way or the other (they probably mostly look for the candy, if that’s allowed).
Anonanonanon says
In a bulleted list of guidelines, they stated homemade was better than store-bought in the context of cards. Of course no candy either. Siiiiigh
Anon says
Daycare asked us to pick up something from the store for the party – store-bought treats have the ingredients all listed out. I suppose we could send handmade cards, too? They really aren’t strict.
Anon says
I don’t think it’s that hard. You can cut out 28 paper hearts in 2 minutes. Have the kid put on stickers while you write their name on each one. Done. They don’t need to be fancy homemade. If some don’t get stickers, nbd.
Anonanonanon says
You clearly have more dexterity than me hahahahaha
Aunt Jamesina says
But why do daycares expect valentines coming from home at all? I feel like if you aren’t old enough to wield blunt scissors and cut out wonky construction paper hearts on your own, you aren’t ready for this activity. If the daycare wants to exchange them, then they can do it.
Anon says
I’d be game for that. They can do a project in class.
But if you do bring in valentines, I’m not convinced homemade is harder than store bought. With the ones you buy you have to tear them apart without ripping them and stuff them in those stupid little envelopes. And you still have to write names. It’s easier to make them myself from construction paper I have on hand IMO.
avocado says
If I had been leaning towards handmade, that e-mail would have made me pivot to store-bought.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
100% This. Grateful our daycare/pre-school literally puts “store bought required” on the sign-up list.
Anon says
Same. I actually like doing (simple) arts and crafts with my kid, but being told I have to would make not want to.
Aunt Jamesina says
Am I just a humongous Grinch, or are all of these request from daycares (which exist to serve working parents!) absolutely ridiculous? I feel like all the special activities they do should be in-house using their materials and snacks. Hell, charge an extra $100 per year for it. My cousin was just saying she had to run out on a weekday and get an orange shirt for her two year old’s daycare since they were supposed to wear a special class color. What even is this nonsense?
It’s not that I’m not sympathetic to any limitations they have on budget or materials; I used to teach high school, and I made sure to never request anything be brought in from home aside from bare bones school supplies (basically, a paper and pen/pencil. I even sourced cheap binders and folders for students that wanted them to organize course materials). I had to get creative for some activities, but it worked out just fine. None of this “class party, everybody sign up to bring in something!” or special projects that required trifold posters or whatever. Because you know who ends up having to buy all that crap on a Tuesday night 90% of the time? Mom. And you know the disadvantaged kids and those with parents who aren’t tuned in get disappointed and feel left out the most.