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Updated: May 29, 2018 140 Comments · by

Washable Workwear Wednesday: Frisco Belted Poncho

Machine-Washable Work Clothes· Recent Recs

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A woman wearing a Frisco Belted PonchoI love this poncho for a business casual environment, a casual Friday at work, or even for work travel. It can be dressed up or down — as you can see from the way they styled the white one, I can picture wearing it to keep warm on a cool beach day, and for the way they styled the red one, paired with statement earrings and a more tailored pant. I love the details such as the belt and the more open weave on the shoulders and sleeves. I think having it belted makes the poncho cross over into workwear with the right accessories. It’s $128 at Anthropologie (online only) in sizes XS–XL. Frisco Belted Poncho Amazon has a plus-size option in orange and white. Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Kid/Family Sales

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  • Old Navy – 40% off everything
  • Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs

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About April

April is a working mom, a longtime reader of CorporetteMoms, and wrote our morning fashion advice for working moms from April 2018 to October 2020. She has one child (born 2/17!) and she’s a public interest lawyer in NYC.

Comments

  1. Patty Mayonnaise says

    Is it a bad idea to fly at night while my one year old would usually be asleep? We’re trying to set up summer trips and this would be a one hour flight. He’s usually a champion sleeper so I’m worried this will totally mess him up, but the tickets are cheap!

    • Anonymous says

      I think if it’s a one hour flight it’ll be fine, even if he doesn’t sleep. I’ve heard that toddlers surprisingly do not sleep on red-eyes, even if it’s when they’d normally be asleep. And then that’s super stressful because everyone else on the plane is trying to sleep.

      • Pigpen's Mama says

        +1 My then almost 2-year old did not sleep more than 20 minutes on a red eye we took to Europe. So awful. But for 1 hour, you should be fine.

        • Anonymous says

          +1. Flying all night on the premise that they’ll sleep on the plane is a fool’s errand. Getting them off schedule one night isn’t necessarily a big deal. And they definitely may sleep on the plane (my LOs have been hit or miss with that though).

    • Pogo says

      You can do anything for an hour. Mine hasn’t slept on a plane since 6mos EXCEPT when I nursed to sleep and held my arm and entire torso in the same rigid position, barely breathing.

    • Anon says

      For a one hour flight I think it’s fine. Is your kid used to sleeping in a carrier? The more difficult part eilll be the to and from airports getting into car seats – that’s what’s likely to wake LO up.

  2. Anonymous says

    Father’s Day gift ideas? What’s everyone doing? I feel like all gift ideas I see are grilling, golfing and alcohol related and I’d like to branch out. Thanks!

    • Anonymous says

      What does your husband and/or father like to do? Personal gifts based on the receiver’s interests are usually best IMO.

    • anon says

      This sounds cheesy but I get my husband a large tervis tumbler with kid photos on it. And he just loves it. He uses them for coffee every day and if he misplaces one then he gets panicked about it. It’s been a surprise hit.

    • rosie says

      I encouraged my husband to get a massage he had been wanting to do (and made an appt online for him & stayed with our baby while he went) as an early gift. Trying to figure out what to do for my dad. Trying to transition to very small gifts and/or charity gifts. I did a donation to the IRC for my mom for Mother’s Day that came with a card–not sure if I will do similar for my dad.

    • Mrs. Jones says

      Getting DH a board game and possibly one of those outlet covers with USB ports attached. Not sure what to get my father.

    • Anon in NYC says

      I think I’m going to take my kid to a paint-your-own pottery store and have her paint something for his desk at work.

    • CBG says

      I ordered DH a cold brew pitcher from Pampered Chef… but he beat me to it and bought one for himself last week! Backup plan is Cole Haan Leather sneakers that were posted on here a while back. I figure Dad-shoes were the perfect first-fathers’ day gift. I might do the tumbler idea too, I think he’d love it!

    • Anon says

      My husband bought himself a fancy new TV remote last week that we are now calling his Father’s Day present when I called him out on the fact that he bought it after I asked what he wanted for Father’s Day and he said nothing. Then we’re also going out to dinner at some fancy seafood place he’s excited about. No idea what we’re doing for his or my dad.

  3. ANon says

    Reading all the comments yesterday about the moms who were so helpful when your babies were born really made me sad. My mother is so lacking as a mom. When I brought my baby home from the hospital, she couldn’t have cared less. I had to ask her to come meet the baby. She came over, looked at the baby for about an hour then went back home. I didn’t see her again during my entire 6 month maternity leave. Whenever I asked her to visit to help with the loneliness, she would respond by telling me how busy she was and that she would get back to me about when she had some time. She lives 30 minutes away.

    • Mama Llama says

      I’m so sorry. I hope you have been able to internalize that this is 100% about her and 0% about you and your worthiness of love and care.

    • Anon in NYC says

      I’m really sorry. I feel you. My mom is not at all like those helpful moms people were posting about yesterday. She has become increasingly self-absorbed over the years. Not in a cruel way, but like, she was surprised that I might want her to do something like bring me a meal after I had just had a baby. She never once offered to clean my house. And there are loads of other examples too that have nothing to do with me having a kid where she’s not being malicious but is almost actively unhelpful. Sometimes I really really want her to be my mom and to take care of me, and she just doesn’t seem to have the emotional intelligence or reserves any more. It has definitely affected our relationship.

      • Anonymous says

        Man, I hear you but this is so unfair to moms.

        My dad has never offered to clean my house. Or his own house, for that matter (he picks up after himself, so he is of the “I left it as I found it” school of maintenance).

        Why, why do we raise the bar so high for moms?

        • Anon in NYC says

          I 100% agree that it is unfair to moms versus dads, and that society in general places undue pressure on women. In my particular situation, I would never expect my dad to do any of those things – not because he’s a man, but more because he was never the type of dad to be able to take care of us kids when we were growing up. He was the dad who didn’t know where the food was in our house and now, as a single man in his 60’s, he eats the vast majority of his meals from restaurants because he can barely cook.

          My mom, though, was a good mom when we were kids. She took care of us, fed us, loved us, etc. However, as she has gotten older she either is no longer capable of doing those things or no longer wants to do them. And that’s sad for me.

        • Anon says

          +1. Why do we expect so much from moms? You are an adult. If you need someone to clean your house, use your words and ask for it or pay for it externally. Why do you expect your mom to continue to provide you with free labor, and even to anticipate your needs and proactively offer her free labor?

          It’s being self-absorbed to be surprised by a request to bring a grown adult a meal, when things like pizza delivery and UberEats exist. We need to stop expecting moms to be handmaids to their teenagers, let alone to their grown and no-longer-living-at-home adult children.

          • Mama Llama says

            It’s not self-absorbed to hope that your parent will provide some type of tangible care for you during a physically, mentally, and emotionally tough time. No one is saying any parent is obligated to do anything, but this disappointment is real, and your response to the OP is cruel.

          • Anon in NYC says

            I mean, sure. I don’t *need* my mom to clean my house or cook me a meal. I get along just fine in my every day life without my mom doing those things for me. My mother is certainly not a handmaid to her adult children. But also, I really don’t think it’s that unusual to be disappointed that my mom was not even thinking of ways in which she could help me or take care of me immediately after I had just given birth. In contrast to how I thought of ways to help her after medical events by making her meals, driving her to appointments, etc.

            You can disagree, but I don’t think it’s really self-absorbed to hope that my mom might offer to help her adult child who just went through a major medical event. I know that I would do that for my adult child.

          • Anon says

            I agree that the disappointment is real, but you can handle that without heaping loads of unfair expectations on someone who already spent 18+ years of her life raising you.

            They’re disappointed that their moms didn’t take care of them after childbirth, but they presumably have husbands and dads who are just as close (or closer) to the medical event in question and yet they’re not saying how sad they are that Dad isn’t a “good dad” like he was 30 years ago. Calling someone “actively unhelpful” and “lacking as a mom” because they aren’t coddling you the way you prefer is pretty cruel, imho, and just reinforces that unpaid caregiving is a solely female expectation.

          • Anon in NYC says

            I don’t know. I can simultaneously expect my husband to take care of me (and he did), while also hoping that my mom offers some kind of care for me and being disappointed that she did not. I don’t think it’s an either/or situation. And as I explained above, my dad wasn’t an option to take care of me. He’s a great grandfather though, and he babysits all the time – more than my mom.

            You can think that I’m cruel for saying that my mom is “actively unhelpful,” but she is not helpful when she insists on being involved, asks what I want her to do, then spends 20 minutes criticizing what I want, and then doesn’t follow through. I would label anyone who does something like that as “actively unhelpful,” regardless of gender or role.

            I hear your issues with unfair expectations on women and moms in general, and I agree with them, but this s i t e is an incomplete snapshot of someone’s life. We have no idea of the dynamic between the OP and her mom, nor did I give a complete recounting of my relationship with my mother.

            To the OP, it’s okay to be disappointed and hurt that your mom has basically been indifferent to you and your little one.

          • Anonymous says

            In my culture you would bring anyone you know who had a baby a meal, even if you’re barely more than acquaintances, so it would be shocking for your own mother not to do so. The way I see it, caring for each other is part of being a community– how horrible it would be for everyone to just have to totally rely on themselves. Yes, Uber eats exists, but that doesn’t just magically remove all communal bonds and obligations.

          • Anonymous says

            Exactly, Anon at 2:07. It’s about community and building/nurturing relationships. My mother and I have a very close relationship and I am there for her during times that are hard for her, like I spent the night at the hospital with her when she had her gall bladder out and my step father had to work. I anticipate that she will be helpful to me once I have my baby this November because she cares deeply about me and will want to be there. I can’t really speak to the differing expectations on fathers because I did not grow up with one and don’t have much of a relationship with my step father. My husband’s father will probably not be very helpful in the bringing-food and cleaning-house sense after baby is born, but his mother wouldn’t have been either if she were still alive. They have different ways of showing that they care. I anticipate my FIL will spend lots of time with us and buy gifts for the baby because that’s how he expresses that he cares. What’s so sad for the OP is that her mother isn’t taking any actions to show she cares following the birth of her daughter’s child. I understand how much that would hurt, so my heart goes out to her. She didn’t mention her father, so I wouldn’t presume to know what the relationship is like with him, if any.

          • Anonymous says

            Oof, Anon at 12:35, one of the ministries at my church is that people volunteer to drop off meals for new parents. It’s a big congregation, so I seriously doubt that everyone who participates is close with the new parents they’re helping out. I try to bring a meal to any friend with a new baby, let alone a family member within a 30 minute drive. All that to say, it’s really sad that your vision of community is, “who needs it when there’s UberEats?”

            I know WASPy American culture doesn’t normalize heavy grandparent involvement with a new baby the way many others do, but I bet most people hope/expect their parents to visit and help out a bit during this time, and to at least give the appearance of being interested in their new grandchild.

            Hugs to the OP, this is a completely rational thing to be disappointed about, and I’m sorry your mom hasn’t been there for you like you wish she was.

    • Frozen Peach says

      You are definitely not alone. There are so many different flavors of this pain. My mom wanted badly to help but wasn’t really capable of being ACTUALLY helpful because she needed so much instruction/guidance/reassurance/praise/me listening to her criticize the way I do things. That sounds cold and crass, but trust me, it’s painful too. Can recommend some excellent books/resources about this pain. I had to grieve the mother I wanted when I became a mother.

    • ANon says

      OP here. Thank you for all the kind comments. They really meant a lot to me. I often wonder whether I have unrealistic expectations of my mother, and I thought long and hard about some of the comments from the responders, above, who say I am being unfair to moms in general because I was disappointed with my own mom.
      I expected more from my mother because, being a mother herself who gave birth to her children, I thought she would be more sympathetic to the loneliness and frustration of being alone with a newborn those first days, weeks, and months after you bring the baby home. Before I had children, I just didn’t know what it was like being a parent to a newborn. Now that I know, I make a very strong effort to try to be supportive of my friends who have had babies since mine was born. My mom just didn’t see me having a baby as any kind of significant event, and hasn’t made an effort to accommodate us in her life. This has always been my dynamic with her.
      Yes, I can pay for help, and I did pay for help, but there are some things that money just can’t buy.

      • NewMomAnon says

        Hugs. Is this your first? I found that my mom really struggled when I had kiddo, and is just now (4 years later!) starting to put that aside and empathize with me as a mother. She said some super cruel things to me while I was pregnant and postpartum, and had bizarre expectations of the time I could devote to taking care of her while also raising a young child. I purposefully kept her at arms length for several years because she became super toxic around anything that involved me as a mother.

        It’s OK to draw those boundaries. It’s also OK to revisit that relationship over time; it may evolve as your kiddo gets older, you become more certain in your role as mom, she becomes more comfortable in her role as grandma, or who knows.

        • ANon says

          Yes, it was my first. I’m hopeful that as time goes on, she will come around, but I am also cautious since our history together tell me that she probably won’t.

      • ANon says

        And to clarify my statement about my mom being a mother herself “who gave birth to her children,” I forgot to add that I expected her to be more sympathetic about the physical recovery from childbirth and the emotional struggle about dealing with my post-partum body.

        • Anonymous says

          I’m sorry. It sucks and there’s not really a way to spin it. But that said, everyone recovers and experiences this stuff differently. I had a fairly easy time of it with birth, my leave, recovery, etc. and found all the “help” fine but unnecessary. Don’t get me wrong – I am happy to have had it offered! But I would have been content to be mostly left alone. I want and wanted help much more later when people didn’t offer it as much because they assumed you were past that initial adjustment period and in some ways that colors my approach to other new parents. I don’t think I would be like that with my own kids – I’d rather they tell me they don’t want my help than think they do and I didn’t offer – but maybe your mom just had a different experience than you and is finding it harder to be empathic in this situation. Just sharing in case it helps you view this in a less hurtful light because while I’d be hurt too I don’t think you benefit from assuming the worst.

    • anonforthis says

      Do we have the same mom? My mom doesn’t live close, but is retired and has seen my kids ONE time and they are 6 years old now. She also sniped at me while I was pregnant with twins, unexpectedly, in my mid-40s. Mostly she expressed disdain that I would even consider having them since I need to take care of her when she ages. As if having an unplanned pregnancy when you are pretty darn old is not hard enough.

      The ONE visit went so badly, in combination with everything else, that I have basically just cut her out of our lives.

      It is sad, but it is way less sad than dealing with her mean comments on a regular basis.

  4. JTM says

    Yesterday when I picked up my 17mo from daycare, her teacher informed me that my daughter spent the day pushing all the other kids. For context, it was her first day back after a 4-day weekend; most of these kids were her friends in the infant room; my daughter moved up to the toddler room 1 month ago. How do I work on correcting her behavior? Granted she’s not even 2 yet, but I don’t want to raise a bully. Her teacher did have her sit down for a few mins after every pushing incident, but I’m wondering if there’s something else we and the school should be doing to nip this in the bud.

    • Anonymous says

      Unless you have other small kids at home, a lot of this is going to be on the teachers. At 17 months, you can talk to your daughter about “playing nice” and that “hands aren’t for hitting”. And correct her when she does anything to you. But really the teachers are going to have to be the bigger policer here in my opinion.

      • Anon in NYC says

        +1. Also, my kid is always a little worse behaviorally the day after a long weekend or a vacation.

      • Mama Llama says

        I agree. A 17 mo is not going to retain much from home. The teachers need to watch her closely and redirect as needed. It was probably around this time that we instituted time outs for hitting at home, but I don’t know that it made much difference at school.

    • lala says

      1) You are not raising a bully. This is a developmentally appropriate behavior that the teachers can deal with (said by the person who thought she was raising a bully for 3 years. it turns out 1-3 yos are just crazy. Now I am on my second and it is so much easier to recognize most things as a phase).

      2) We’re big Janet Lansbury fans, and if you haven’t read any of her stuff, I highly recommend it. Per her, we use “I can’t let you push people” and physically stop the kid from pushing as the redirection. It has worked really well for biting/pushing/hitting at home.

      • Anon2 says

        Yes yes yes to all of this. Janet Lansbury’s podscast has been so helpful in reframing my interpretation of my child’s behavior, as well as given me strategies to help prevent it. At this age and stage, it’s the job of the surrounding adults to anticipate and prevent rough behavior. You can try to reinforce at home, but talking about behavior hours removed from actual incidents is not going to do it. Your child is not a bully; she is having moments of stress/frustration/curiosity and adults need to calmly guide her through it.

  5. Betty says

    How do you all handle bad dreams for preschool-aged/elementary-aged kids? In the past, if one of our kids has shown up at our bed at 3am saying that they have had a bad dream, they crawled into our bed. (I remember liking the feeling of security of being with my mom after a bad dream as a kid.) In the past, it has been a rare occurrence. However, our four year old has had “bad dreams” most nights out of the past week. When she crawled into our bed early this morning and fell back asleep, she was whimpering and crying in her sleep a bit. I do not want to be dismissive of her concerns, but I fear that it is creating a habit. Thoughts or tricks that can help?

    • Anon in NYC says

      My parents used to make us sleep on the floor next to their bed. They had a small rug, so it was cushioned but not super comfortable.

    • AIMS says

      This was me as a kid and my mom made up a magic word for me to ward off bad dreams at bedtime. It was a whole little ritual we had where I’d say what I wanted to dream about and then my magic phrase and all this silliness. It was very comforting! We also talked a lot about the bad dreams I could remember.

      • mascot says

        This sounds like a good plan. Also, maybe review her sleep routine/life events and see if anything has changed that is causing her some increased stress. I have always been a vivid dreamer and stress manifests itself in my dreams. At 4, it could also be something that she saw/read that is scaring her
        I understand not wanting to start a habit that you don’t want to continue and I struggle with it. For us, bad habits come on a much slower pace. A week or two of changing up a sleep routine to accommodate some developmental or environmental change hasn’t messed up my kid’s otherwise awesome sleeper tendencies. They are still little- it’s okay that they need extra comfort sometimes.

      • Anonymous says

        We did “bad dream spray” with my oldest starting when she was around 4. I’d spray a little tap water around the room while chanting: “no bad dreams.” It totally worked, and – to my chagrin- she still asks for it from time to time five years later.

    • Knope says

      Caveat that my LO is only 14 months, so I have no idea if this will work for a 4-year-old, but we have this dinosaur light (link to follow) that we turn on if he wakes up crying in the middle of the night. It is a pretty soft glow and seems to calm him down. It’s on a 15-minute timer; maybe you could teach your daughter to turn it on (there is a button on the bottom) and say that by the time the dinosaur turns off again, he will have scared all of the bad dreams away?

    • Anonymous says

      My son–now almost 6–had reported “bad dreams” nightly for awhile last year, and our solution has always been just to walk him back to his bed, tuck him in again, and he would go back to sleep right away. He hasn’t done it in a while, but we didn’t really do anything to try to change the behavior. I’m not sure if he was actually having dreams or just wanted to visit us when he woke up briefly in the middle of the night; he would never talk about them or mention it the next day, and sometimes the purported problem was a lost blanket. For various reasons and luck he has never actually slept in our bed – we just never went there, and he was a relatively easy sleeper – so YMMV.

    • Lana Del Raygun says

      When I was a kiddo my parents encouraged me to make up a happy ending to the dream. Even if it was totally implausible (“and then it turned out that a mermaid had rescued her and she was still alive!”) it made me feel a lot better.

    • NewMomAnon says

      My parents got my brother a stuffed animal when he was little and having lots of nightmares – he would set it up at the end of the bed, and it would scare away the bad dreams. I think some of this might depend on how willing your kiddo is to self-soothe, though.

  6. CLMom says

    Any last-minute, sage advice for handling a 6.5 hour drive with a 2.5 year old? Hubby insists on driving during the day.

    • Anon in NYC says

      Expect that it will actually take more like 8 or so hours. Schedule frequent breaks. Maybe see if you can find a playground near one of your stops and have kiddo run around.

      • octagon says

        +1

        Get some fun surprise toys and bestow them at intervals (as long as you can push the intervals). We just did a 4-hour trip this weekend and some of the hits included a new magnadoodle, a new lift-the-flap book, and a water wow book. We also took crayons.

        We also promised a Daniel Tiger episode at the destination if he took a nap. (It worked, only for 40 minutes, but that was enough.)

        • Anonymous says

          Honestly for our 3 year old (and also when he was 3) any toy– new or novel or not– ultimately becomes a projectile to be thrown — if he’s irritated or tired/mad he won’t play with anything, just throw it. Since that’s not safe we just don’t do toys/drawing/books in the car (with verrrrry occasional exceptions). He does better with singing, music, talking, and frankly just having us ignore him and letting him sing to himself. Yes, we get a 5-30 min episode of blood curdling screaming before he falls asleep (if we’re driving in the afternoon), but otherwise… Just letting him be works better than most distractions.

    • Anonymous says

      We’ve done this a bunch (with our now-24 month old — so not sure how much it translates to 2.5 year olds), but if s/he is still taking afternoon naps, we’ve found it works best to leave around 9:30am, stop for lunch around 11:30 to let him stretch his legs, have a leisurely lunch, etc, and then plop everyone back in the car by 12:30 or so so that he can settle down long enough to actually take his nap. We usually don’t get a great nap in, but sometimes we’ll get 1-1.5 hours of sleep time. Then, we stop again when he wakes up to change his diaper, let him run around a bit, and then put the pedal to the metal to get to our destination as soon as we can. He doesn’t have much tolerance for the car trip once he’s post-nap. In terms of how we fill his/our time while he’s awake, we still generally have one of us sit in the back with him for the pre-lunch and post-nap chunks of time (but not during his nap since we think we make it too entertaining for him to want to sleep) and provide him with an endless stream of snacks, small board books, small toys, and whatever games we can think of (i.e. drive your toy train over mommy’s face for 10 min). We also have an excruciatingly terrible kids CD that we will play on repeat if things get real desperate. Still, all in all, I prefer long drives to airport/flight experiences since we have more control over stopping, etc. Good luck!

    • anon says

      We have done a lot of long drives (4-5 hours) with my kids to see family. We have no video screen in the car and don’t do iPads/ phones in the car for various reasons. At 2.5, they would usually take a big nap during the drive. We sing along with the music, play a very elementary version of “I Spy” (I spy. . . a truck! I spy . . . a cloud!) I also give non-melting junk food snacks in the car that I won’t give the kids except when we’re driving, in addition to having tons of other food (bagels, apples). The biggest hits have been Cocoa Puffs and Corn Pops.
      On our best trips, I packed lunch and we stopped at a playground for 30 minutes to eat sandwiches and get some energy out.

    • Anonymous says

      Movies. Our daughter doesn’t watch a lot of tv during normal days, so we have no problem with movies and screen time in the car. I used to care, but honestly like the peace and getting to zone out (while hubby drives) more than I care about too much screen time on a special occasion.

    • Spirograph says

      Just for a dash of hope: you may be pleasantly surprised at how well this goes. We’ve done similar length drives several times, and my kids handle it WAY better than I expected. Things that work well for us:

      – Books. My daughter especially can entertain herself for hours as long as I keep handing her a different book every 15 minutes or so
      – Snacks in snack trap cups. Forces kids to eat slower, and you get fewer cheerios/goldfish all over the car.
      – Magna doodle pads
      – Kid-friendly music (for us, Raffi, We Sing Silly Songs, and cheesy pop music a la Shake it Off)
      – iPad with Paw Patrol / Daniel Tiger as a last resort. + HEADPHONES. These are key. Kids cannot figure out earbuts (at least mine can’t), so little kid over-the-head style were a good $8 investment.

      Scout your route for playgrounds (I love you, PA turnpike) or at least open space to run around – elementary schools are a sure bet, as long as school’s out! – and/or Chick fil a and McDonalds playplaces. We usually go to a ‘real” restaurant if we’re driving during dinnertime. Nothing fancy, just a diner or family restaurant in a small town. The atmosphere is a lot more calming than fast food with bright lights and colors, and it makes for an easier transition back to the car.

    • Meg Murry says

      Consider whether the sun will be in her eyes and if you need to get additional sun shields for this drive. Also consider whether there is any air circulation in your back seat, especially if she is rear facing. I felt terrible when we did a long drive and I was annoyed at my kid’s fussing and whimpering, only to realize that the poor guy was super hot and sweaty because the A/C ducts didn’t blow on him when rear facing.

      Take care when packing the car to leave the other back seat empty so an adult could sit in the back with her if absolutely necessary – I wouldn’t recommend starting out that way, but it might be worth it for the last leg of the trip.

      Make a worst case traffic scenario plan – if you get a later start than you anticipated and/or hit traffic early on or stops last longer than you expected, will you wind up in a major city during their rush hour? Can you plan a detour or a long stop before you hit that traffic snarl to let it alleviate?

      Maybe this is only my husband, but he insists he’s fine, he doesn’t need me to pull up Google Maps or Waze on my phone because he’s got it on his or because he already knows the route or whatever. Until we hit traffic or construction and he wants me to find a way around it NOW! and he gets super annoyed when it takes my phone a while to open Maps, figure out where we are and where we are going, etc, before I can even look at the map. So now I always fire up Maps or Waze on my phone when we set off on any drive beyond 30-45 minutes and just put it on silent, so that when I need to find out the detour or the nearest gas station or whatever I can do so very quickly.

      Pack one bag like you would a carry-on on a plane so that if you have to run in to a rest room for an emergency clothing change, or if you are too exhausted to unload the car once you get where you are going you can just take the one bag and worry about the rest later.

      Pack wet bags and/or ziplocks to put soiled clothes in so you don’t have to either smell the mess for the whole trip or wind up just throwing away an outfit.

      • Pogo says

        “maybe this is only my husband”

        No, unless we are married to the same man. lol’d at your description! In the city he will also start driving before I’ve got Waze all set and then it will tell him to turn around or something and he gets all annoyed. Well, if you had WAITED four seconds we wouldn’t have to drive around this block!

    • CPA Lady says

      If your child is potty trained or potty training, keep a small potty in the trunk. Just in case your child freaks out and starts screaming that she needs to go poo in the mountains of North Carolina in bad traffic miles away from the nearest exit with a bathroom. Hypothetically speaking.

  7. NYCer says

    AIMS – Thanks for the recommendation for Uniqlo cardigans! I had been on the hunt for versatile summer cardigans for work and these are exactly what I was looking for. I bought three colors!

    • AIMS says

      That’s great! I order some more, too, and am eagerly awaiting their delivery.

  8. Anon says

    I loaaaathe my in-laws. However, my husband and I have been good about letting them come over every other week or so to see my 8 month old. My MIL has been insistent that she and my FIL babysit my baby and my husband and I go out to dinner. Our xmas gift was even a babysitting coupon (a gift for you or us?). Since our baby goes to bed at 7, I mentioned that maybe they could babysit after she goes to bed and then we go out, but she didn’t like that idea.

    My thing is…
    – I don’t really want to go out dinner
    – I enjoy taking a break from pumping on the weekend
    – Why is coming over and seeing her with us there not sufficient?
    – Why do you so desperately want to be alone with her?
    – My husband and I are such introverts and would much rather just hang out on the couch after bedtime.

    Are other MILs like this?

    • octagon says

      Go have a date with your husband! As someone without family nearby, I would love love love to have this. Nurse before you go (if possible). Go have a dinner where you’re not watching the clock for a babysitter. Go to a movie. Just go for a walk or go to the mall.

      It’s good for your relationship to spend time together out of the house. And it’s good for your baby to get used to other people putting her to bed.

    • Anonymous says

      My MIL has always been dying to babysit our toddler, and I completely get it. I think kids are very different with grandparents (and others) when the parents aren’t there and the grandparent gets more quality time with the child. I trust my MIL to babysit and it’s mutually beneficial so I happily let her (though I put some limits on how long we leave them together, etc, since I think it’s more of an undertaking than she seems to realize).

    • Anon in NYC says

      Is this the first grandchild? My MIL was so damn pushy with her first grandchild that it was really overwhelming to my BIL and his wife.

      I know that for our sets of grandparents, they like to have activities with kiddo, and then go through the bedtime routine, etc. It’s fun to have special outings just the two (or three) of them. If you and DH are there, it takes away from some of the magic because kiddo will prefer you two to them.

    • rosie says

      Do you not trust them to take care of your child (or otherwise not want them to)? Are you and your husband on the same page? If not, there you go. This is where we are with my ILs for very legit reasons, so all the time we spend with our baby is supervised closely by us right now.

      If you are ok with it, then that may be better for everyone. You don’t like them, why do you want to spend more time with them? And unless you and your husband have decided that they will not have a relationship with your child, why not? I think it’s very reasonable for the suggestion that they babysit only after your baby is asleep not to be well-received. It is ok if they don’t do bedtime exactly as you do one night.

      My parents spend a lot of solo time with my baby. I think it allows them to develop their own relationship with her as her grandparents. Plus my baby can be perfectly happy with them (or her nanny, etc.), but if I or my husband are around, she just wants us.

      • Anonymous says

        If you don’t trust her/them, that is one thing. Otherwise, this is perfect. You have involvement without actually having to spend much time with them.

        • Anonymous says

          +1. If you really want to do bedtime/ and/or be at home, suggest they take the baby out alone during the day, like for a long walk in the park or something. Being alone at home is introvert paradise in my experience. They will probably assume you want to make sweet love to their son.

          • Anonymous says

            Ick. But I have really pondered how to get people out of the house while I still have the energy to do . . . things

    • lawsuited says

      Yes, other MILs are like this. My MIL REALLY wanted to babysit to prove that she could be helpful to us and to have one-on-one time with LO. I’m not a grandmother, so I don’t know what emotions or motivations are wrapped up in that experience, but she was very insistent and it was much easier for us to ask her to babysit once in a while than keep trying to put her off.

      The first time I made it very clear that this was a trial so she needed to respect our routine and not wing it. I wrote down a detailed schedule, checked in with her twice while we were out, and asked for a full report when we got home, to reinforce that I was serious. To her credit, she totally got that that was the price of admission and went along with it.

      It also ended up being really nice for DH and I to get out of the house. We are homebodies too, but putting on lipstick and sitting across from each other eating a meal we didn’t prepare without worrying about the baby monitor in the background was a good thing for us.

      MIL has babysat LO a few more times (usually when we are going to a wedding, which is very helpful to us because taking a baby to a wedding is the worst) and I can tell it makes her incredibly happy, so that’s something.

    • Anonymous says

      Just say no. You do bedtime with kid on weekends. If you’re working all week I wouldn’t give up that time either. I’ve often had my parents come over to babysit from 9-11pm. They generally watch a movie and we go out for dessert/drinks. If you’re introverted, maybe try finding a favorite quiet local coffee shop where you can hang out for a couple hours on a comfy sofa?

    • Pogo says

      I totally get wanting to take a break from pumping on the weekend.

      What we do when we go out is this: parents come over around 5:30, play with LO for half hour. DH and I take this opportunity to do chores or whatever. Maybe shower or start to get ready for going out. Then I have them give LO dinner at his normal time(6) and I’ll usually pop in and out to help or answer questions (usually just reassuring my parents that yes, I know he is making a mess and throwing his sippy cup, he is a baby, that is what he does).

      Then I will nurse him right before we leave at like 6:30 or 6:45 and let them read him bedtime stories and put him to sleep. That way I don’t have to pump, and they get plenty of time with baby, while the majority of the “babysitting” time is while he’s asleep.

    • Anonymous says

      What is it with “I’m introverted, so X”? I have never once read here “I’m extroverted, so Y.”

      • Anonymous says

        Introversion simply has nothing to do with not wanting to leave the house without your baby at all.

        • Anonymous says

          I would tend to agree. I get overwhelmed with being out at times, but cannot imagine passing up sitters (esp. if they are watching when the baby is asleep — that that point, it is basically “call the fire department if there is a fire and evacuate with said baby,” no?).

    • Anonymous says

      They think they are being nice. You never leave your baby on weekends for a date? Give it a try. Introversion has nothing to do with becoming hermits.

      • Anon says

        Perhaps I am both introverted and a hermit, but for me, the thought of going out to dinner and having to interact with people (hostess, servers, busboys, etc.) is a lot after a busy week of interacting with people all week at work. I’d rather cook at home and just interact with my husband and kiddo. Your response would likely be that we could do something without interaction – hang out at a quiet coffee shop, library, etc., to not be hermits, but I like being at home and being a hermit! It is an ideal weekend when I didn’t have to leave my house at all!

        • Anonymous says

          Ok have fun with that! But you’re the strange one not MIL who is trying to do something nice and that would result in her spending time with baby, which you want, and less time with you, which you want. You do your children no long term favors by becoming weekend hermits.

          • Anon says

            This is unnecessarily dismissive and rude. That poster is not strange. Lots of other people have posted echoing the same thoughts.

        • EB0220 says

          I understand, OP. Our absolute favorite date night is when grandma and grandpa watch the kids at THEIR house so we can chill at home. I was also pretty resistant to being away from my kids when they were bfing because I hated pumping so much.

    • Anonymous says

      I felt the same way after my son was born, except I mostly like my in-laws. I gradually came around to it, although it is still evolving and my son is now 2. As my son got older, I became more tolerant about letting them watch him for longer periods, take him places in their car, etc. It helped that my MIL is very respectful of our routines and any request we make about food/discipline/safety, more so than my own mother. I see value in my son having a strong relationship with his grandparents, so I try to go along with it and enjoy the freedom it gives us.

    • JTX says

      I have a similar MIL and felt the same as you when she kept offering to babysit (always at times that were convenient for her, not us). The thought of leaving my fussy, nursing baby with my MIL (and having to do all the work to prepare for her coming to our house) just absolutely filled me with dread. I don’t know if this is the case for you, but I was having some issues with postpartum anxiety. Is it possible that you might also be having some issues with PPD or PPA? I’m not saying there is necessarily something wrong if you don’t want your MIL to babysit, but this just sounded REALLY familiar to me.

      • NewMomAnon says

        I had the same thought – my PPA manifested (partly) in a need for control over all things child-related, including wanting to exclude any family members who offered help (in my defense, the help was often not on my terms BUT it was still help). In retrospect, I probably wanted to exclude them because they irritated me so much, but they probably would have irritated me less if I had accepted the help and gotten some sleep?

        So…to the OP – just one time, accept the help, and notice that nothing disastrous happens. It will be fine. You will still be an awesome, loved mama, and your in-laws will not displace you or change your relationship with your kiddo or otherwise make your life worse. Hugs.

    • Anon says

      I too share your introversion (or hermit-ness homebodiness as others have mentioned). I too get pushed about how we need to make time for each other and leave the baby with my MIL. My husband and I have had honest conversations about this, but we like to take her out with us. It is way more stressful and disruptive to have my MIL babysit than to just take the baby out to dinner with us. We don’t feel like it hurts our relationship. Particularly for me, when I work 60 hour weeks on a good week, I really value the non-pumping spending time together as a family that the weekends offer. So, solidarity. We just keep putting MIL off, and after she and DH had a huge fight two months ago, she hasn’t been around our house at all (we bring the baby to her for visits so that we can leave when we want). Major events where bringing the baby would be inappropriate (weddings (IMO), meetings with the CPA, etc.) we definitely ask her to babysit, but other than that we try to limit it to reasons we actually need.

      • Anon says

        +1. I bluntly (with DH) told my MIL/FIL what I was feeling and she dropped it. “Because DH and I both work full time, and Kiddo is a baby who goes to bed so early, we have very limited time together. We want to soak up as much of that time with Kiddo when she’s awake as possible, so we’re not interested in plans that take us away from her for the time being. We fully anticipate that as she goes to bed later and takes fewer naps during the day, we’ll be more willing to entertain babysitters while she’s awake. But we’ll let you know when that happens, and until then our option will be later dinners after she’s asleep. Thanks.”

        Now that Kiddo is older, we’re more willing to leave, but ironically they’re less excited to babysit because she is actual work now. I’m sad about it, but it’s their loss because in between the 2-year-old tantrums are really funny moments and a really cool personality. *shrug*

        • Anonymous says

          I mean, okay, but these are your kids’ grandparents we’re talking about. Assuming you trust them and they treat you respectfully, why not allow them to have a night once in a blue moon with the baby?

          Everyone on this thread sounds like a real joy to be around. When did our culture become so individualistic?

          • NewMomAnon says

            Your last paragraph doesn’t fit with the supportive, respectful tone of this community. Strong recommendation to find a different platform in which to share those type thoughts.

          • AIMS says

            I tend to agree. I think of this as doing something for my kid, much like I go to a Gymboree class or whatever for them. Spending time with different caregivers – assuming you trust them, of course – is good for children! Grandparents are also going to be better caregivers long term if they bond with the kids early. I mean to each their own, but I sort of see this as a self fulfilling cycle (probably a better word for it) where kid is always with you so even as kid gets older, it becomes harder to switch gears and then grandparents don’t have the base of experience/bonding to draw on which makes it harder for them to get through the “tougher” spots.

            OP doesn’t say why she doesn’t like her MIL or want to leave her to babysit but if it’s not actually a reason not to trust her with the kid, I’d say think about reconsidering. It doesn’t have to be at night. Maybe she can come by on a weekend and you can run an errand or go to the gym or go on a lunch date. I didn’t necessarily have the energy for dates right after my second was born and I didn’t want to pump but we had the grandparents over a few times and would leave them to baby sit while we went to get lunch or took a walk and it was shockingly restorative to be away for an hour. Much more than I ever thought it would be. And just think about the other poster here whose mom had to be invited to see her grandkid. Be happy you have an involved grandparent who cares in your child’s life!

          • ER says

            I disagree with the tone of the “Anonymous” comment, but I actually think she’s onto something. Allowing your MIL time alone with your baby is a kindness to your MIL….and your baby. One of your responsibilities as a parent is to help your child build good, meaningful relationships with your child’s extended family. I think it’s a tad bit selfish to tell your MIL she can’t have time alone with her grandchild because you don’t feel like it. If your MIL is untrustworthy with kids, that’s an entirely different issue, but I didn’t get that sense from your post.

    • Anonymous says

      I am surprised by the harsh comments you’re getting, OP! Volunteering to babysit is a nice thing to do. Insisting on babysitting, especially when your child is awake, is weird and would be very off-putting to me too. Our daughter is 3 and DH and I have had only a handful of official date nights since she was born, despite having willing babysitters nearby that we trust (my parents). We spend a fair amount of time together without her but it’s in the evenings after she has gone to bed or on weekday lunch dates. Watching Netflix and having a snack together is a great date night for us (and I do think it’s related to introversion). We were never into getting dressed up and going somewhere fancy before kids and even less so now. And I’d be a million times less inclined to leave her with my in-laws who I don’t like than with my own parents.

    • Anonymous says

      Hmmm I’m with you OP. I work and highly value time with DD and DH at the end of the week. I don’t want to give it up. But 2 questions. First, did you date before kids? Because maybe you actually like the activity somewhat? Second, can you find another way for LO and in laws to spend time together? Because I do think you child’s relationship with grandparents is valuable unless they are really bad. Can grandparents pick up early from daycare every Wednesday, for example and spend the afternoon with LO? That way they get time but aren’t forcing you to go on a date night you don’t want.

  9. Cb says

    We survived our UK to US west coast flight. Baby (10 most) fussed for 10 minutes. Things that helped – bulkhead seat so he could sit on the floor and play, an assortment of toys, ages of nursing, and plenty of snacks. He totally adapted well although somehow managed to get out of his pop up tent and onto the floor last night (sleep crawling?). He’s enjoying the new environment and being able to hang out in rompers and no socks. The AC was broken yesterday and I was worried how my little Scottish boy would handle 95 but he didn’t seem to mind.

  10. Lana Del Raygun says

    Maternity clothes question — when they tell you to order your pre-pregnancy size, are they taking bre@st growth into account, or just belly?

    • J says

      I was able to use my regular size until a little bit into the third trimester. At that point, I bought some bigger tanks/tees and a new pair of jeans that fit around my giant thighs. All of my dresses and leggings were fine the whole time. And the tees/tanks I was replacing were actually Merona non-maternity ones. I switched to maternity but needed a size bigger than normal.

    • GCA says

      Congratulations! Um, it might be a bit brand-specific, and depend on where your pregnancy pounds are distributed. Old Navy has been fine in my regular size, both tops and bottoms. I went up a size in Gap and Loft maternity bottoms (the Loft band notoriously runs small, plus my hips and thighs have been storing fat for future nursing), but not in tops (I don’t seem to expand that much up top). Right now in third trimester I’m wearing a mix of regular size and regular size+1.

      • Lana Del Raygun says

        Ha, I’m actually asking because I’m about to order tops from Gap AND Old Navy, but I used to be able to slide between sizes with them ON so I’ll just pick the bigger one.

    • lawsuited says

      Congratulations! They take everything into account. So a maternity size 14 is a little more generous in the hips and bust as well as being a LOT more generous in the belly :P

    • lsw says

      I virtually always used my prepregnancy size and never had a problem! But also, my bre@sts did not change at all during pregnancy. (Then they changed three cup sizes in the space of HOURS when my milk came in, which was one of the most biologically insane things I have ever witnessed, and also, was very itchy.)

      Congratulations! I hope you are feeling good!

    • Lana Del Raygun says

      Thank you everyone! For the advice and the congratulations :)

    • Anonymous says

      Congrats! PS, I think it’s like all women’s sizing – it’s so dependent on brand and even brands aren’t consistent. Buy with free shipping and return!! And also, FWIW, what fits/is comfortable in month 2 isn’t necessarily the same for month 8! (at least for me!)

      • Lana Del Raygun says

        Yeah, that’s why I’m trying not to spend too much. But I also live in a swamp and can’t stand rayon, so it’s a real struggle. :-/

  11. In laws says

    It’s really hard to be working full time and then have to share your weekends and limited time with your kid with people you don’t like. I had this situation with my daughter when she was little and it was tough. I really just wanted to say no you can’t see her at all but I knew that was not best for her. Now that she is a bit older I find it much easier to just let them have her and go do an activity I enjoy rather than sit with them while they have their time with her. It’s less aggravating for me because I don’t have to spend time with them and they are happy with the one on one time.

  12. Anon says

    Apologies in advance for the long post. I recently (less than a month ago) gave birth to twins. To provide some context – DH is the primary breadwinner in our household by far. DH was not looking for a new job, but was approached by a company back in Feb about an opportunity and he just got the offer last week. It’s at a good company, seems like a good career move, and it would be fewer hours (he currently works 14-16 hour days on average). He has done a ton of due diligence, talking to people about the company, the opportunity, whether it makes sense for his career, etc. and it is a resounding yes that he should take the offer.

    In my postpartum emotional state, it just feels like so many changes at once and I am having trouble getting on board. We do make joint decisions in our household and he has kept me in the loop and we’ve spent hours discussing this. If I really wanted him to walk away, he would. He will be giving up a decent amount of cash (that we could use, but can live without) and will make things a bit tighter financially in the short term, for more long term gain. This is more of a long term career move. The logical part of me knows I am being short-sighted and am not really in a state to be making rational decisions and need to just trust him. I just wish it was a year from now when this was happening instead of so soon after having kids. (our plan when he accepted his current job after grad school was for him to stay for 3ish years, and he has been there for about 2 years, so I am also having trouble with the fact that this is different than what we planned, and with my type A/planner personality this is challenging, though I do realize plans sometimes need to change).

    In his field, opportunities like this don’t come up all the time. I would like to get on board with him accepting, but my anti-change personality combined with my sleep-deprived, emotional state is instead making me anxious about the change even though his status quo job is not so easy either…last night or maybe I should say this morning, he got home from work at 12:30am.

    • anon says

      You sound a lot like me, who would also balk at so many changes at once. That said, I think you know the answer already. This is a better move for your family, you trust your DH, and it seems like the risks are relatively low. There is never going to be a perfect time for change, trust me. A year from now, there would be something else. I may be wrong, but it sounds like anxiety is getting the best of you, and it may not hurt to talk through it with someone. Your life has changed a lot lately, and it’s completely understandable that you’re nervous about one more big change.

      Think of it this way: What could your life look like a year from now if your DH makes a change now? How much better could it be? Working 14-16 hour days with a baby at home sounds no fun at all.

    • Anonymous says

      I have twins that are 2 now. He should take the job. You want him working fewer hours. ESPECIALLY during the toddler years. If you would legitimately be doing okay on less pay, you want want WANT more time for him to be free to help you. I know it seems like a ton of change, but after one spurt of 401K rollovers/health insurance changes or something? it will settle. And soon they will be mobile and you will need all four hands.

      • Anonymous says

        This. I have twins too. Take the job for sure. Twins requires all hands on deck whenever possible. If he’s working 14-16 hours and you have two toddlers you will lose your mind.

    • Cate says

      I think it sounds like this is a good move, and you will be so happy when DH gets to spend more time with your babies – that time is really irreplaceable!

      Hugs though, because a lot of change is scary.

    • Anonymous says

      Honestly, I don’t think you get much of a say in this. He’s going to be home more often and will presumably be more available for childcare. As long as the family finances will be okay, I think this is his decision to make. It sounds miserable working 14-16 hour days- I’m sure he misses sleep and getting to actually see his kids! To me it sounds like you are using being hormonal as an excuse for being controlling.

      • Anon says

        OP here. Thanks everyone. New job is not 9-5, more like 10-12 hour days and no weekends, so still won’t be home for bedtime, but will be around on Sundays. Though especially in terms of time for us to spend with each other- it’s a huge difference if he gets home at 9pm vs 11pm or 1am. New job will involve some more travel, maybe like 9 times a year. DH travels some at current job, though it’s all very last minute (like 24 hour notice), while travel at new job is planned far in advance. For the first year our finances will be tight bc he is taking a bit of a pay cut, but our expenses are going up (childcare, moving to a 2 bedroom apartment- currently in a 1). It’s just so much new stuff at once!

    • NewMomAnon says

      That sounds like a great move for your family, but obviously it needs to be a joint decision. Could he soften it by negotiating for a signing bonus and delay his start by a couple months, so he could be at home with you and the new babies? I could see where having two month old twins and a spouse starting a brand new job would be overwhelming, especially if you plan to go back to work at 12 or 14 weeks. It would be easier if the kiddos were 4-6 months old when he started, especially if he can be home with them during your transition back to work (if that’s your plan).

    • Anonymous says

      You need to get over it. I know I know everyone is going to yell at me for being harsh but it’s the truth. This is what’s best for him and your family. Just repeat that to yourself again and again.

      • Anonymous says

        it seems to me all these nasty comments are coming from one nasty “Anonymous” today. Why don’t you come up with a real name so we can totally dismiss whatever you say?

        OP- Fewer hours sounds like a home run! Even if it’s still a lot of hours, fewer is wayyyyy better. My husband started a new job when my son was born and it was tough…. we are 6 months in now and sometimes I yearn for the old setup, but I remind myself that life is all about change and all this is for best.

        • Anon says

          NP: In all seriousness, is this that nasty? Because I think there’s something to getting people’s unfiltered thoughts. I don’t expect the same level of editorialization as in person. Not the PP and not trying to defend, esp if this is a repeat offender I don’t recognize, but this comment doesn’t strike me as over the top.

    • BC says

      I have twins, who I love more than life itself. And I was a complete mess during the first few months, so I understand how completely overwhelming your situation is. But having twins when you likely expected to have “a baby” is a huge wake-up call that we make plans and God laughs. God is still laughing at you, but it seems he is also sending big blessings your way and put you in the express lane for life plans. (Apologies for the mixed metaphors!) So take the blessing and try to get over the fact that it happened a year earlier than you expected! Plus, it would probably be that much harder for your husband to navigate a job search in a year or two while doing his crazy hours and spending any time at all on family.

  13. lsw says

    Not technically Cmoms related, but we got annoying news from the leader of our organization today (some major changes coming, including a few really stupid promotions) which had me kind of down, and THEN my boss – who is tough, but fair, and the greatest mentor I’ve ever had – announced she is resigning at the end of January 2019. She is AWESOME about hours and flexibility, and the most working-mom friendly person I have ever worked for. Ugh.

    • Anon says

      i’m sorry. this is the sort of thing that would crush me. And it’s totally cmoms related!

      who knows maybe you will be in a new position then! it’s so far away! or could she take you with her…?

      but i totally hear you. my job is in the process of getting demonstrably worse. it stinks when it’s out of your control – and it wasn’t that great in the first place!

  14. ElisaR says

    it seems to me all these nasty comments are coming from one nasty “Anonymous” today. Why don’t you come up with a real name so we can totally dismiss whatever you say?

    OP- Fewer hours sounds like a home run! Even if it’s still a lot of hours, fewer is wayyyyy better. My husband started a new job when my son was born and it was tough…. we are 6 months in now and sometimes I yearn for the old setup, but I remind myself that life is all about change and all this is for best.

    • ElisaR says

      having to retype my name with each response is frustrating – that was my “Anonymous” comment at 3:54.

      • AIMS says

        I think the default blank is leading to a less civil atmosphere here and on the main s&te. I noticed it with myself – I’ll often read my comments for tone before posting and when my name doesn’t automatically get attached, it’s tempting to just hit post and not correct anything that could be said in a gentler/nicer way.

        • AIMS says

          Just to clarify – I think this is apart from the random just plain rude/provacative posts that show up from time to time.

        • Anonymous says

          Agree that anon comments lead to less civility. I wouldn’t comment if I couldn’t be anon because reasons. But, I do think the answer is more active moderation. Kat should be able to block that mean anon IP from commenting.

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